Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Kat, so good to see your Anthony's face and to hear that the hockey night went well. I think sometimes when we stay away from things that were once familiar, we become afraid of being near it for fear of what it might do to us. When the old sounds and smells return and you are not knocked off your feet but instead feel happy to be a part of it, then that is a really nice treat. As far as venting, you should vent, the life that you will lead will one day not be interfered with by dollar signs. I shall pray for that day to come soon.

What am I thankful for today? Thanks for the question, I am always thankful first of all to have this day, to be part of a walk outside, here the birds, to spend time with the students and laugh with them, to come home to my garden gnome(husband) and to share a dinner with my Son Jon and his girl Shannon. I made tofu stir fry.  All nice things. I spoke to Eri today and I am thankful that I can do that and feel good when I do. I am hugely grateful for the time I've spent with all of you, today and each day, the support and healing that goes on across the screen is amazingly wondrous. The outpouring of good and not good days, the lack of judgement, the ability to cry when it comes and to simply know that some of my dearest connections are right here in you.

Love,

dee

Trudi, love the name smidge, prayers then for smidge. Eri had a collie, love them.

Hugs

[mikesmum]

Kathy - I'm sorry about the in-laws and the insensitivity they never seem to lack.  You doing okay?  I know with everything else in your life the angelversary is always hard.  Like someone here said, it reinforces the reality we would rather not have to face.

Ironically - I was given an appointment (another) for review to assess my PTSD.  When I was told it was February 18th I said, not sure but I think I have something on that day will have to check back with you........dates in memories that are 'important'.

Susannah - Yep shes a beaut.  She found Mike 'unwell' around 8am.  By the time she'd had breakfast with her folks (she lived at the back of their house) it was 9.30am.  Mike wasn't breathing "too good" so she went back to her folks place to get them to check.  Its was after this she went back to their house to phone the ambulance - 9.38am.  Not calling an ambulance sooner isn't a crime.

Ahhh Karma I'm holding on.......

 

[ericasmom]

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/01/21/AR2010012104508.html?hpid=news-col-blog

Hi LAdies and Gents, this is an article published yesterday about foster children as they prepare to let Washington know how they think the system would better work. It is a nice slant on things/ Kid's slant.

dee

[Guest]

Dee - Very interesting article.  Thanks for posting it. 

Not much else to say this morning.  I'm going to try to stay away from the computer today and be more present with the kids.  They need more than just my physical presence.  They need me.

I hope I can pull it off.

Wishing everyone a nice day.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Oppps, on my 'what I am grateful for rant' I put the lack of judgement, meaning the lack of being judged...sounded bad, should reread before I hit the send button. It is after all what I tell my students, reread before you turn that in for a grade, otherwise, the grade is not always in line with what you hoped. Lessons.

I am going in rather leisurely today, it is Friday after all and I am ready. Pooped too. Today we will have a trading-fair. This is a party we have to celebrate earning 50 marbles over time for whole group good behavior. So we trade those things we no longer want or desire, little things that were not gifts, no electronics. Baseball/sports cards, Ugio cards, erasers are huge right now, pens and the like, little note bads, trinkets, food goes well; small bag of pretzels or snack item, I always buy things from the dollar aisle at Target, sticky notes and pencil sharpeners. So we have fun with that, first we had to learn what barter means, then we could start the trading fairs. So the end of the day holds that for us. Wish you could all come to trade things.

Love to you all,

Kathy, drink tea and honey for that throat. I wish I had a remedy for the in-law, but I do not.

[katant]

Hey BI friends, I love the answers to my question.  What are we thankful for.  I needed that.  Had in tears in my eyes reading and wow it was so nice to see the same things I am feeling.

It is a good feeling....Yes...Karma is my word for today.

I believe in karma and things will be what they will be.  ((hugs to all)). kathy

[arc4ever]

Hello everyone.  Haven't been up to posting for a while.

It's my birthday today and I have fallen apart repeatedly at my desk at work today.  I think I may have to leave, it's getting a bit inappropriate.  At least no one is near my desk.

I just wanted to check-in.

Take care, Terrie (Adam's mom) 

[katant]

Terri,

You really need to go home if you feel you should.  You need to take care of you.  One thing I have found these past 3 years is only you can take care of you.  I have called into work if I no that my day is just not going to go well for me.  I have gotten over the fact that I kinda don't care what other people think because as I said in my earlier post...nobody, nobody knows what we are going through unless they are in our shoes.

Please Terri, maybe go home.  Take a nice hot shower and cry and get it all out.  That is what I do... and then make a hot cup of coffee or tea and take a nap or watch a movie or get some take out.

Take care of you...terri...xo kathy

[hotsauce]

good afternoonto EVERYONE here at BI,

just want to wish TERRI a happy birthday, i hope your weekend will be better.

mary ann

BRIAN'S momdukes

[briansdad]

[user=16461]katant[/user] wrote:

What are you thankful for today?  Today I am thankful for the hug I got from my step-father just because.  Thankful for the comforts of the home and the love I have around me.  It's irreplaceable.   And for my friends here that understand exactly what I am talking about and thank you for listening.  Love u all...kathy

Kathy, I wrote this on the 5 year angel date for Brian.

Five years has gone by in a blink of an eye.The years have taught me a few valuable lessons. I think the most important is thankfulness. I'm thankful for God allowing me to be your Dad. You were quite a challenge for your Mom and Me but you were worth it.I'm thankful for your silly grin when you told one of your bad jokes.I can still close my eyes and see your face.I'm thankful for all the times I took you fishing and how you would smile when you caught a bigger fish than me.I'm thankful for  being able to watch you and Rob grow up together.I'm thankful for watching you doing your best to be a big brother to your sister. Trying to keep her on the right path.I'm thankful for getting to watch you learn to become a father. You were good at it.I'm thankful for her. To have a little piece of you means so much us.We miss you everyday Brian.Your never far from our thoughts.I'd love to hear your laugh again.... you know the one you'd do when we blew up a watermellon.I'd love to hear the rumble of your car when you came home at night.I know these things can't be ....so I'll have to wait for you to come and take my hand and take me to meet your Grandpa so we can all go fishing together.

Until then..... I love you Brian

[mikesmum]

Terrie  -  Happy Birthday.  It can be hard 'getting older', but before Mike died I wore my age as a badge of honour.  As a family we had come through some 'challenging' times so to survive was a plus.  Since losing Mike, my birthday is a reminder that I am here and he isn't.....

Like Kathy says, Take Care of You......Adam would be the first to hug you seeing you down.....

Small success.  Walked Muttley and Charley together today....small dog syndrome has prevented this earlier.

Picking up Em and Caleb today.  Em and I off to the shopping mecca known as Chadstone.  Its the largest shopping complex in the Southern hemisphere.  Would fit into the ground floor of the Mall of America!  Mal and Caleb bonding at the movies.  Seeing The Toothfairy.

On a sadder note - baby brother rang last night.  Smidgen has Stage III lymphoma.  The treatment is worth $10,000AU to achieve a possible 6 months.  The treatment will require the pup at the vets twice a week.  Needless to say Bill is devestated. 

It funny how we 'revert' to our roles....I'm his big sister, his protector when we were younger.....hearing his voice break last night shattered my heart. 

Its cooler here today.  Clouds cover the sky and thunder rolls. 

Trudi

[shorty16]

Indigo's

What am I thankful for.

I am thankful that I had Brian in my life for 16 years.  He was our sense of humor.

I am thankful that my husband and I have become closer since Brian's death - why, because we did not blame each other and we both understand that we grieve differently.

I am thankful for my other two children.

I am thankful for the light of God in my life.  That light did not exist before.

I am thankful for my friends who understand the loss of a child.  Who I can talk to and who can call me anytime day or night.

I am thankful for this website.  This website has given me wings to fly to different corners of the country (in 2 years to the land down-under).  Without this website, I would not be as far on this path as I am.

Thank you indigos

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

 

[ericasmom]

Prayers for your Bro Trudi, and for Smidgen, what a sad thing, to lose the pup. makes my heart hurt.

Terrie, like it or not, it is your birthday, and the world is still spinning. We here, and probably everyone you know and love, are quite happy that it is the day that brought the world, YOU. I know though the sadness of the birthdays without our Baby. That Baby/Adam, is so glad for your birthday, without it he would never have blessed the earth with his brand of wonderful, and what a loss that would have been too. There are times that make us ache the most, today being one of them, but next year on your birthday, it may not ache quite as bitterly. Know that we hold you up and are grateful for the person that is YOU>

Blessings,

dee

Greg, lovely piece, I shook my head in agreement to so many of your thoughts. Brian is smiling too, the long road has brought you to a new place, this life of finding a balance, but where all things we do are newly inspired by our love and our Loss.

[namb1992]

i would love to print this if you could please add my son nate, THANKS

[namb1992]

i posted a new picture of nate.  It is my favorite because he loved playing soccer and soccer loved him.

[Guest]

Kathy - (Jessica's mom) I hope you had a better day.  I'm glad that you and "grandma" were able to come to an understanding.  It's good that you get a break once in a while.  Tonight is our "break" except that I seem to be coming down with something, so I'm just going to bed.

Trudi and Kathy (katant) - I believe in Karma, too.  Unfortunately because in my old age I've discovered that I get back what I dish out.  I "dished" out a lot in my younger years. 

Terri - Sending you hugs.  I don't know why OUR birthdays are such a sad time after we lose a child.  It was for me and it has been for everyone I know.  Maybe because that's the day our child expressed their love for us in such sweet ways.  Good memories painful to think about.  Just from the little I've read since I've been here, about your family, I would think it's especially painful for you.  Your family is/was so much fun....and, Adam was, perhaps, the most fun.  With his wonderful smile and zest for life.....jumping in front of the camera to "steal" the picture.  I'm sure he has made my Stephanie laugh a thousand times since she joined him and the rest of our angels.  I'm sure he is with you now....I'm sure they've all shown up with him....to have a party on your behalf.  I hope they are able to make you KNOW their presence.  Some tricksters, our angels.  Quite a sense of humor.  Oh my!  All of them together must have their guardians a bit on edge....

Colleen - I echo your gratitude list.

Greg - Once again, I am touched with the love of a father for their child.  Beautiful.

namb1992 - Great picture of Nate!  Thanks for posting it.

Wishing you all love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

 

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

I am having a down  day but I   just wanted to connect for a minute.

I love the new full picture of Nate .   He looks so handsome and happy . I am glad he had soccer and really enjoyed playing.

I am grateful that I had Stephen in my life and that I can smile at his memory and appreciate his love.  I am grateful for this board and all who share their heart and soul

Praying that everyone has a blessed night

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

 

[summergirl]

Hello Indigo's - I am lying here in bed reading the posts and also watching "Hope for Haiti on Channel 4 (here in New York)...the tears slowly creep down my face as I listen the the songs being sung and the pictures they are showing...brings me to my knees to see such suffering but am so pleased at the amount of support from around the world.

What am I thankful for today???   I HUGGED MY SON FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ALMOST A YEAR.....He came to visit me for just a short time, he looked good and the tears, I just could not stop crying and holding him. He could only stay a bit and headed back up island. He is staying with a very nice girl and her boyfriend (she was good friends with Jessica)...he is staying clean (he says) and right now glad to be back in NY and looking for a job. I do not know what will happen in the future but right now I feel good just knowing he is with non-druggies and I GOT TO HUG HIM   I will keep you informed...prayers.

Trudi - no I am not ok in so many ways but I do have much to be thankful for and I am trying to keep all in perspective, not always easy as we all know. I am so very fearful of Feb coming closer..why is each year different then the one before...because it takes me further from her it seems and my heart breaks at that...I am missing her more and more even though I have come so far.  Today on facebook 3 of her friends posted pics of Jessica from many different times and it just grabbed my heart, they wrote "we put these pictures of our girl Jessica for you and her, we miss her so much and we love you"...I am so thankful that her friends remember and say her name (can't say that about the in-law family)...  Tell me someone how we keep doing this, how do we just keep doing this each day??????  For me..it is all of you.

I went to the doctor today for my physical (yuk) but needed to get it done and I have lost 8 pounds - whoo hoo...do not know how but I did and that made me feel a bit better.  Tomorrow my friend Linda and I are going shopping and I am buying the WII fit for myself and Tavian....it will be a good thing for all of us to do together and plenty of laughs I am sure.

Next week we go to get a new kitty for Tavian....he does not know yet, only keeps saying he wants one....both his fish died so now we just have a firebelly frog and a gegco (SP) and they do not last too long.  Anyway, he is going to be so happy to have a kitten...I think he really needs something living of his own to take care of, something he can play with and snuggle with.  I am hoping it will help him with going to bed at night because we are going to start next week making him go into his bed by himself, no longer going to lay with him until he falls asleep...he will be 8 and it is time....going to hard but I have to be strong....will be harder on me then him I am sure....

Well, I am going to get some rest, still not up to feeling great but better than yesterday.    Love to all my wonderful friends... Kathy

 

JESSICA, MICHEAL, MIKE, ERICA, STEPHEN, NICK, BRIAN, RICH, JASON, DAVEY, BRIAN, CAMERON, BRIAN, ZACHY, ADAM, NATE, ANTHONY, KOURTNEY, BETHANY, STEPHANIE, KAYLA, BJ, DANIELLE, JABOA, MICHELLE, DAVID........I AM SAYING YOUR NAMES...  I PRAY I DID NOT MISS ANY OF OUR ANGELS...PLEASE FORGIVE ME IF I DID...

[arc4ever]

Kim,

Nate is a very handsome young man.  I haven't been on here in a couple of weeks - busy at work, didn't feel up to it at nite. 

I scrolled thru to try to find out more about your Nate, but couldn't.  I would love to hear about him.  Share anything here as you can see.

I am Terrie, my husband and I lost our only child, Adam at 16 years old on March 25, 2008.  It will be two years, so hard to believe.  Adam was driving to school.  Don't know what happened, he crossed the center line and hit a dump truck head on.  Survived the accident but died several hours later after surgery.  He was the lite of our lives.

Take it easy on yourself.  I see you went to a support group, but it wasn't for bereaved parents.  I have found that other parents who have lost children have been the most helpful.  And let me just say, - no offense to anyone - I have met more people who have lost a child than I care to ever have imagined.  But the folks on here have been wonderful and welcoming and they really do care.

Rest as well as you can Kim, and tell us more when you are able.

Love, Terrie (Adam's mom)

[ericasmom]

Kathy, glad that your day was better. YOur Daughter's friends continually show you that Jess will never be forgotten, what goodness they share. She has good friends, and she is a good friend. Nothing can change that. Tavian will go crazy when he finds he is getting a kitty. FUn stuff. I have tears thinking of how you must have felt hugging your Boy. I am so happy that your day had BJ in it. Prayers for goodness in his life.

Betty, the moon is new and odd today, maybe making you feel down today  as our school and so many people I spoke to today were having a very off kilter day. We had a young child go off the deep end today and punch the principal, scratch her, bite her, draw blood...this is the same little one that I met a few weeks ago and we talked about how hard it is when you grow upin a home that is not safe. She was out of control because her whole life has been. Poor Baby, kids like this hate Fridays, that signifies several days with the ones who make your life a living hell. Prayers for this little fighter.

Anyhow Betty, I hope that tomorrow brings some warmth and good times to your world.

Kim, what a handsome soccer player YOUR SON is. LOoks as though he was built for the sport. Thanks for showing this photo enlarged.

goodnight all, very sleepy

PS sleep Susannah, this cold makes ya tired.

Good luck Lorri with your talk

[nicksdad]

[user=41763]namb1992[/user] wrote:

i would love to print this if you could please add my son nate, THANKS

 I am "sorry" I missed the pic of Nate... I have added him to the picture. If you go to the page with the picture on it you will see Nate on there. I've also sent you the picture as an attachment to your emal.

 

[lolynbo]

It's my birthday today and I have fallen apart repeatedly at my desk at work today.

IM SORRY TERRI TRY AND HAVE A GOOD BIRTHDAY..WE LOVE YOU

LOVE THE PIC OF THE LIL SOCCER PLAYER LOOKS VERY PROFESSIONAL

MONTY AND I SURVIVED DINNER WITH BRENT AND CARLEY WE DIDNT EVEN CRY TIL LATER WHEN WE WENT HOME....

[mikesmum]

[user=17871]summergirl[/user] wrote:

What am I thankful for today???   I HUGGED MY SON FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ALMOST A YEAR.....He came to visit me for just a short time, he looked good and the tears, I just could not stop crying and holding him. He could only stay a bit and headed back up island. He is staying with a very nice girl and her boyfriend (she was good friends with Jessica)...he is staying clean (he says) and right now glad to be back in NY and looking for a job. I do not know what will happen in the future but right now I feel good just knowing he is with non-druggies and I GOT TO HUG HIM   I will keep you informed...prayers.

 

Kathy - I so get that rush of warmth and elation that comes from hugging your son after the past yrs.    I hope for his sake that this new connection not only with non users, but friends of Jessica's keeps his focus.

February is never going to be easy - but you are not alone.   I love the way our kids friends 'find' pictures of times gone by.   So many stories yet to be told....

Trudi 

[lolynbo]

KATHY SO GLAD U GOT SOME GOOD HUGGN TODAY...LONG TME COMING..HOPEFULLY SO MANY MORE TO COME

FEBRUARY WILL BE HARD FOR ME TOO AS WELL, KOURTNEYS WOULD BE 3RD ANNIVERSARY..(17TH) HER BIRTHDAY 27TH (WOULD BE 24 YRS OLD)...AND SHE LOOKED SO FWD TO VALENTINES AND DRAIING BRENTS WALLET..WITH ALL 3 OCCASIONS IN ONE MONTH...NEVER EVEN GOT A CHANCE TO PEEK INTO THE WALLET...SHE NEVER MADE IT TO HER FIRST ANN OR FIRST MARRIED VALENTINES...

[Guest]

Good morning Indigo's,

Just sending out thoughts to all of you. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

dark and warmish here, warmish for Chicago in the winter anyhow. It is about 40 degrees. Rain and wind expected later, so going out for a walk now. Strange dreams and while I slept deeply during some parts of the night, I woke with a worried sense, hate that.

Lorri, so glad that you and Monty went to dinner with the Kids. Iknow it must have been hard, but based on love and heart. I am sure that they too appreciated the level of love and ache that went into that decision.

Dan, I added the big photo of the Kids into my desktop revolving photos, love having that to look at each day. Thanks so much again and again. A daily thank you.

Marcia, where are you? Doing okay? Bonnie, how is Rich adn how is EmAnn? Claudia, just want to see Joey's face, don't have to say anything, just want to know you are out there. To All that are newish to this place and to this journey, please know that we support you even when you feel you have nothing to say. Remember, you do not have to say anything to help anyone, that is our job, to help you by listening to your wounded hearts. That is how we have survived the incredibly shattering losses we have.

Now some of you will say, " what for, why survive?" The only answer I can give right now is Because you are still here, and therefore have work yet to be done in this place, on this Earth. Because your Child wants you to live your best life where HE or SHE cannot. To get there is a long maze of narrow passages, dark cavernous twists and turns, deep holes, but also once you begin, there are glimmers of sunlight, first faint, then brighter the next time, there are sounds of life coming from somewhere, there are memories that both make you ache but also grin, and you realize eventually, not now but later on, that you are finding your way into the light that your Child has left you, and the signs and sounds of life are coming from you. You will realize that those memories that you carry everywhere are always with you, nobody can take them away. Never the same as before, but still you, still the Mom or Dad that your Child loves beyond measure, as you do them. Never forget that and know, that those of us here for a long time before you are here to let you know that the sun will shine on you again, you will feel a sweet breeze on your face, and the night sky will let you see the magic involved in the world.

[Guest]

Enjoy your walk, Dee.

I am going to attempt my culinary (sp?) skills (or lack thereof) by making a pot of chicken corn chowder.  My sister's recipe. 

Enjoying a lazy day today.  Just kind of sad.  It's not that piercing, sharp, paralyzing painful sadness.  It's more like a blanket of sadness.  I think I'll honor it since there isn't anything pressing that needs done today.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[briansdad]

I'd give 100.00 just to see the damn sun. It's been days!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ericasmom]

I know Greg, it is hard when so many days go past without sunshine. Still, being outside offers the faint sunlight into my brain and my spirit. I may go to the little conservatory in Oak Park later to get that dose of growing green smells into my soul. It is a sweet place that I used to take my kids to all the time as it was right in our neighborhood. On cold winter days we would walk there, about 6 or so blocks, and dive into the warmth the jungle room gives, and then into the desert room with the dry warmth and clean smells, then into the flower room, sweet smells and a whole different kind of air, as though it was permanently late June. The whole place is quite small but each room offers an environment that lifts ones spirits on any given day. If I walk fast, I can get there on lunch break on particularly difficult days and be given a shot of hope and clarity when I return. I think I have a student with Seasonal Affect Disorder. She becomes quite sullen in the dark days of winter, complaining at home and school about being tired, crying more often. I wonder if I would see a change if I took her there.

I think my Son also has a level of this, so if he stays active, snowboarding, skiing, he is a much happier guy. He called a bit ago, not a good connection, and said he is in a hotel room in Devils Head Wisconsin, going snowboarding, and he wanted to let me know he is there before he goes on the hills. I love to hear from him whenever and wherever he is, but I also know that he is contacting me before he goes down a hill because we both have that sense of letting each other know often that we love each other in case...and my heart is on alert, my prayers double in number, and I am simply at times the biggest worrier I know.

Loving you all,

Dee

[Guest]

Kathy - I am so glad you got to hug your son!  I get it! 

Dee - My kids and I have an unspoken agreement to let each other know we're okay and to always say "I love you"  - just in case. 

Greg - I traveled through Missouri years ago, beautiful state! 

Everyone, please keep my daughter, Jennifer, in your prayers right now.  She just called right now to let me know she's on her way to the emergency room.  She's had a bloody nose and is now passing clots.  I'm not allowing myself to panic, it might be nothing, but your prayers will be appreciated.  She lives in Iowa.

Thanks,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Susannah, I am praying that you receive a call soon telling you she is fine. How old is your Girl? Who is with her? Let us know as you go through the day. Make your soup, breathe deeply.

Love Dee

[Guest]

Jennifer is 24, with young children.  Her husband is taking her to the hospital.  I wish we didn't live so far apart (a 13 hour drive, straight through).  

Not in a panic, yet.  Just waiting.

Thanks!

[Guest]

Jennifer just called.  The nose bleeds are a result of the new anti-depressants she's taking.

Thanks for your prayers.

[lolynbo]

 I looked out this morning and the sun was gone

Turned on some music to start my day

I lost myself in a familiar song

I closed my eyes and I slipped away

It's more than a feeling

(More than a feeling)

When I hear that old song they used to play

(More than a feeling)

I begin dreaming

(More than a feeling)

'Til I see KOURTNEY walk away

I see my KOURTNEY walkin' away

So many people have come and gone

Their faces fade as the years go by

Yet I still recall as I wander on

As clear as the sun in the summer sky

It's more than a feeling

(More than a feeling)

When I hear that old song they used to play

(More than a feeling)

I begin dreaming

(More than a feeling)

'Til I see KOURTNEY walk away

I see my KOURTNEY  walkin' away

When I'm tired and thinking cold

I hide in my music, forget the day

And dream of a girl I used to know

I closed my eyes and she slipped away

She slipped away

It's more than a feeling

(More than a feeling)

When I hear that old song they used to play

(More than a feeling)

I begin dreaming

(More than a feeling)

'Til I see KOURTNEY walk away

THIS SONG JUST GETS ME...

[ericasmom]

Sus, glad taht they could so quickly determine the cause. Good Lord, I know you must feel some relief in knowing that. Are they able to stop the bleeding? Are they removing her from the meds? Sorry to inundate you with questions.

Lorri, a great song indeed, and yes, one can very  easily get lost in the songs that sing of our losses, our lives.

Pink Satin

She had skin of pink satin

and she was born to me like a song.

Her hair was dark and her eyes a deep forest…

who knew I’d lose my girl in this way?

A train traveling from her home city,

the whistle blew

 the horn was lost in the wind,

and so was she.

[ericasmom]

They are always with us in some fashion.

Deep Beats

She is a deep beat in my heart,

a part of my everyday,

a cause for my tears -both joy and ache,

she is the breath in

                 and the long sighs.

That deep beat in my heart,

that was added when she left,

is evidence of her presence,

protected always

in my promise.

[lolynbo]

Pink Satin

She had skin of pink satin

and she was born to me like a song.

Her hair was dark and her eyes a deep forest…

who knew I’d lose my girl in this way?

A train traveling from her home city,

the whistle blew

 the horn was lost in the wind,

and so was she.

WOW....

[bjsmom]

Hello to all! This has been a mixed day, music & poems have filled my mind. I often cannot focus properly, something in my mind is off-kilter most days. I came upon a poem & wanted to share. Wishing for a dream, a sign, the slightest touch......Deneace (BjsMom)

[align=center]TIME

I thought that time was healing

All the hurt you left behind

That empty spaces could be filled

My arms, my heart, my mind

And though my body looks the same

As it did when you were here

The emptiness is growing

Even bigger with each year

I thought that time was healing

All the agonizing pain

That as the tears were fading

Soon I wouldn't feel the same

And though I can be smiling

And you think that I'll survive

The pain is in my blood now

I have nowhere else to hide

I thought that time was healing

All the loss a mother feels

That now you live within my heart

I had you near me still

But I need so much to touch you

To see you smile again

And those memories I'm told are mine

Can never feel the same

I thought that time was healing

All the while the mask was worn

That underneath a new me

Was waiting to be born

But now I find I am the mask

It helps to keep me safe

And though my heart is breaking

You won't see it in my face

I thought that time was healing

All those tears my eyes have seen

That aching arms that miss you

Could be satisfied with dreams

But here I am, in pain again

And healing stands alone

And a mother weeps, the world can see

For a son who can't come home

~S. White

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[Guest]

I echo that, Lorri.  Wow!  Deeply touching words, Dee.

My chicken corn chowder was a hit.  Which means I was a hit! 

I'm still a little (a little) worried about Jennifer.  I hate the panic or anxiety I seem to carry around with me wondering when the next bad thing will happen. 

It doesn't control me, just a constant "itch" at the back of my brain.

Maybe that is contol.

Sending you all love.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

Deneace - What a heartbreaking poem that speaks the truth so well of your walk through this horrible nightmare.  Thank you for sharing it with us! 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Deneace  What a beautiful poem .  It is exactly how I feel.  Just to hear his voice, see him smle TOUCH HIS FACE from a son who cannot come home.  I know I too have become the Mask.

Dee, Lorrie and Trudie  Thanks for your poems as well.  Brought tears to my eyes  That is a good thing   It means that the mask slipped:? 

Susannah  I am glad your daughter is in the right place getting care. I understand that feeling  of waiting for the shoe to drop.  I do believe I no longer do that because the final SHOE did drop when I lost him   

Rosie, Kim, Sue,Mary Ann, Carol, Kathy, Greg, Dan Sonya, Sherry, Terrie Leah Colleen and Betsy abd Beth  Thinking of you and all the Indigos

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[ericasmom]

Well thank you for the wow Ladies. I wrote that some years ago, many. I guess that has been the theme of today for me, the time issue. So many new to this, the pain is fresh and deep, and I walked adn walked, ended up walking for an hour and a half up the sidewalks of my very quiet day, and kept thinking of how seven years could be the next anniversary. How could that be? so the abstraction of time once again. Deneace, that poem says so much for many. I will say that the line about the mask, well I get that but I find this many years out that I do not wear one very often and it isn't who I am, glad to say. The ache to hold them, still there, to hold ERica's big hands, always! To see the way her nostrils flared when she silently laughed hard, not that she did much silently, the big cackle came after the silent build up. I feel that now I am very much the woman who raised two wonderful Kids, and who lost One dearly loved Child. I will always miss her, I speak her name in public each day because everyday, everyday, she is with me. I will not stay behind the mask, instead, if folks don't like to hear Eri's name or think of death, then they don't have to be near me. I speak about my children as others do theirs, the difference being that I have had to learn to breathe and walk in the face of losing My Daughter.

Sus, glad that the chowder was good, and I will keep a prayer running in my heart for Jennifer. love that name.

dee

[summergirl]

Trudi - thank you so much, you above all know where I am at with my son and your words bring comfort to an aching heart.   I appriciate everyone who prays for my son, it is such a blessing as I know that your prayers reach our God and our Angels and they will see us all through.

Lorrie - yes Feb will be so diffacult for the two of us....I have Tavian's birthday on Feb 11, Jessica angelersary on Feb 18 and my brother Billy angelversary on the Feb 28..I would love to go to sleep and wake up in March but since that is impossible we will both count on all of our BI friends to get us through as they always do.....

Deneace, Dee, Lorri - beautiful poems and songs....have to say I print them all out and keep them in my "poems and songs from my Indigo friends"...thank you so much.

Greg - I could send you a pic of the sunshine...and I will not even charge you..!!  It has been beautiful here the past couple of days but afraid tomorrow will change all that...back to the rain and clouds.

Spent the day shopping with my friend Linda, we had a great time, laughed and talked all day......it felt so good to be free of the pain for just a while...spent too much money but what the heck, I got great bargins.

Susannah - I am sorry to hear about Jennifer and will keep her in my prayers. I (all of us) know that worry, anxiety feeling that is so much more a part of our lives then it used to be.....never leave the house without the I love you and the other is waiting for something bad to happen - seems like if I am too happy I get scared because surely something will come along to take it away.  I worry so much more than I ever did before I lost my Jessica.

Dee - yes it brings a big smile to my heart knowing that Jessica's friends are thinking of her and keeping her memory alive....the pics are priceless so I have contacted them and told them to make me copies and send them to me....My son called me tonight and told me how good it was to see me and that he is never going to hurt me again....he went to the cemetery and spent some time with his sister. He said that everyone he has talked to has mentioned Jessica to him and he me to know that for the times when I think everyone has forgotten her, I cried but good tears.

Well my dear friends it has been a long day so I am going to relax with a new book. Love and peace to all, sweet, sweet dreams. Kathy

[shellbellsmom]

Been on here spotty lately.  So much stuff to do and so little time, at least I am keeping busy.  Love seeing all the pictures, and love hear all the songs- Boston~ that takes me way back, and the poems are beautiful. 

I am thankful for; having Michelle in my life for 22 years, 8 months, 11 days, 14 hours and 8 minutes and am so thankful she never lived a minutes without someone LOVING her.  I am thankful for my son, Matt, my husband Mike and all my friends and family that put up with me...I am thankful for my faith without it I  don't know if I could manage....and I am thankful that I too am LOVED.  My life has been blessed.....and though I have suffered a major hard-ache I wouldn't have wanted to miss a minute of it (wish not the illness or death part though)...I am so glad she did live and I was part of her life. 

Happy Be-lated Birthday Terrie. 

I hear you Greg....I will anie up some money too for some sunshine.   

Wishing everyone a peaceful journey.....Sue

[namb1992]

Terri

I don't know what you have read about nate and I apologize to everyone in advance for repeating it but I will try to be brief.  Actually brief is all I can do today but it is 8 weeks since my precious prince left this world.  Today has been very difficult.  Nate died on 11/28/09 in a car accident after dropping his friend off at 224 a.m.  From what the police have explained to me they believe that Nate fell asleep.  His car drove 171 feet along a ditch before hitting a culvert that a farmer filled with large stones.  The police have told me that a no point is there any signs that nate woke up or had any idea what happened and he died upon impact.  He was not wearing his seatbelt.  He was driving a hyundai tiburon and when the car landed on its roof Nate didn't have a chance.  I am thankful and will always believe that Nate was taken by Jesus and told not to look back and had no idea what was happening.  My daughter had a dance competition today and danced a song for  Nate and won first place.  Another thing I am thankful for today.  Nate was my prince and everything in life came easy to him.  School was little effort, he attracted all kinds of friends and was someone who was looked to play soccer in college with HIS dream to play in an amateur league in Europe or for the Milwaukee Wave.  We went to the World Cup in 2006 for 10 days Nate use to joke with me he was going to play soccer there, buy a castle and I could live there for free if I watched his kids.  Everytime he would say that it made me laugh it was OUR dream.  Nate had a easy going personality and let very few things bother him.  He loved people, soccer, racing stock cars and go karts and especially his friends and family.  I have alot of anger about his death directed at God and his father.  I could talk about Nate for hours but I don't want to bore everyone.  I am thankful that when I woke up this morning I was going thru a tape in my camcorder and much to my surprise Nate taped a speech on there that I wasn't aware of. Half way thru his speech he made a comment to his teacher that her hair looked good that day.  Just like Nate always trying to sweet talk to win brownie points any way he can.   I woke at 5 a.m and relieved that chaplain being a my door and then I saw this wonderful speech and my prince's face and voice.  What a comfort to me and a surprise I will cherish for the rest of my life.  I will sign off and read the rest of the posts to find out what is going on with everyone else. 

[mikesmum]

Kim - small mercies to know Nate didn't wake.  Congratulations to your girl for dancing in honour of her brother.  Take your time here.  We are all on this journey and truly get it.

Dee, Deneace - the poetry underscores our pain, our loss, our grief, thank you.

Lorri - There are some songs I can only hear alone - the bring me to my knees and break my heart all over again.

Greg - Sunshine from downunder to you. 

Its been a hectic weekend here.  Started with overnighter with Em and Caleb. Their mum and dad off to a wedding.   Call from Steve & Kelly wanting to visit with their pup.  Mal's youngest wanted to come over with Dion and spend some 'granpa' time.

Steve had a call from his dad (my ex with aquired brain injury, Steve's step dad of 29yrs).  The call was to confirm Steve was coming over today for his (Steve's birthday).  Explaining it wasn't till the 28th Feb, he went on to say 'oh yeah then you're coming for Australia Day'.  When Steve then explained he hadn't been asked but he would come around, his dad said, "I'm too busy today you'll have to come another day."   This is how we found his brain injury to begin with.   Steve wants so much for him to be re assessed to check out that the shunt he has is still working.  Melissa arrived and told me about the headaches he has begun to get again. 

Hardest part of this is the injury prevents him from remembering the headaches, the confused conversations.  I watched as my children workout how they will approach this with their dad.   Hits hard.  This was someone I lost to a brain injury in 1993 - the reality is that even if they have him assessed their is very little they can do for him..the damaged is quite extensive, the shunt located in the last possible site.

Dee - I now truly know how you felt with Jon and Michael..They are adults, yet they are my babies and this weighs heavy on them.

Steve got to spend time with Charley...I took some pics as they played in the yard...

Not sure if the pressure of his dad hit him, but as he says goodbye to Charley there were tears...

Two boys, two DS lites......ahh Mario

Mal, Dion and Anthony - Granpa, grandson & son

Please whoever is allocating what we can handle, ease up on Melissa and Steven.  Its enough for now okay...

 

[ericasmom]

Nate's Mom, Is it Kim? I don't think you ever need worry about repeating yourself here, we all take our time to tell and retell our stories. Many of us find that there is healing in the telling. So if ever you want to tell us a story, don't worry if we heard it before. WE get to know your Child this way as you get to know ours. You are early in this journey, and we are with you for the long haul. How old is your Girl? Was her dance a jazz or ballet or freestyle dance? I hope that she is proud of her expression to her Brother, your Prince. I know the reliving of events, it is something we all know of. Be kind to yourself as you find your way each day.

Kath, prayers will continue for BJ. May that hug from yesterday warm you today. So waht are you reading Kathy? And what did you purchase. I love to hear about a good bargain when it comes to clothing.

Sleep tight Everyone,

dee

[ericasmom]

Trudi Dear, we were posting at the same time, Jinx.

Yep, enough already, please let our Children have years and years of goodness so that they build up a happiness center inside of them. They need this. We all need this. Thank you Heavens for listening.

I am sorry that Melissa and Steven have so much to deal with, and your heart aches for them and for the man you loved. Oh so many feelings flood through.

I am happy to see Mal with his Boy adn his Grandi boy. How sweet that photo. You are a good woman My Dear, no matter what anyone else says. (kidding)

Meerkats to you Trudi.

dee

[mikesmum]

  My heart to you dear dear Dee - Meerkats Meerkats Meerkats

Sleep well, keeper of the hearts of many.

[ericasmom]

Sweet day to you in the great Down Under. Hugs and a lot of love,

dee