Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

The banner is great, forgot to take a photo today, but it is really sweet, love kids' art and interpretation. Yes I too love the words to the song.  Glad that so many of you guys do too.

Deneace, I think that what you are going through is the battle of the mind versus heart and spirit. It is a rivalry that really, once settled will find you feeling much more in sinc or is that sync, with the world. Your Son does want you to live your best life even if he wishes he were still here. I know that he loved his life here, so did ERi, they were the same age when they left here, Eri and BJ. Anyhow, no matter what BJ wishes or wished, you are his Number 1, and so just as it would be if it were reversed, he needs you to live a fulfilling life. He wants you to pick up and take on new things to see if they hold your interest. He laughs when you do, because he is forever connected and ever loving. He must be very proud of the ways you explain things to his little Brothers. He is with his Grandma and all of our Angels, so I know that he is fine, more than fine. Now it is time to follow some of those inner wonderings, a concert to look forward to, a class to see if it is interesting. As you said Deneace, scared to try but even more afraid to not do anything. You are alive for all sorts of reasons, some of those reasons await your discovery.

I am glad that you had such a special Mom, that she brought you into her heart the day you were born. HOw dear.

Col, I think that your words are very important here, that at first you felt guilty too by having fun or looking forward to events, but now you realize that we must bring happiness forward into our lives, it is what makes this life so special. Live it well. Not easy, but it is something to work toward.

sleep tight everyone,

dee

[namb1992]

just wanted to say hi to everyone.  Most of the time I don't know what to say but I enjoy reading everything, looking at everyone's pictures, stories, writings ect

sleep tight

 

kim

nate's mom forever

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  I am glad that you have your morning walks...I'll bet the wildlife enjoys your passing by...though I don't know if I would have the courage to walk before the sun is up...of course, I don't even have the "will" to walk AFTER the sun is up! :-)  Can't wait to see the poster.

Sue:  Glad to hear from you---and happy to hear that therapy is helping.  Keep at it. 

Greg:  the fishing film...loved it...what a wonderful treasure you have! 

Deneace:  You are welcome about my saying BJ's name...we love to see our children's names, to hear our children's names, and to hear of others loving the same. 

Sonya:  Such a nice thing to tell Trudi of your Michael Shane that you greet each morning and think of Trudi and her own Micheal Shane...

Trudi:  I love it that Micheal's balloon wound up right in front of you---all the way to Australia!  Yes, signs, they are there, and they do find us...once we open ourselves to them, they will come, eventually...our angels will see to that.

I too have a "shrine" of sorts for Mike...though will eventually have a little more there...with selling the old house and renovating this one, many pics and items have been packed away.  My springtime project is to finally get them all out, decide which ones will be left out, and try to set up some sort of order amongst the tangibles of my "remembries."  As Colleen said, her Brian lived a huge life and there is much there to hold onto...as seems to be the case with all of our angels...Mike also lived a huge life and there is much to hold onto.  We did give some things to his kids, and put some others away for his kids, but there are some items that we have out, and will be putting out.  I think it is good to have the reminders there for his kids, also, so they are reminded of what their dad was about...his passions, his music, his hobbies, his life.  So, I also didn't agree with the "no shrine" statement...I think we are all trying our best to move forward into our lives, in honor of our children, and taking some of those things that meant much to them along with us to help us along the way is as it should be. 

Bonnie:  I am so glad to hear that Rich is doing better, and happy that he is going to do cardiac rehab....I've heard from some friends who have had to do the same thing, that the cardiac rehab program is really what got them on track for good healing and recovery.  Holding you both in prayer. 

Lorri:  Yes, hold that name close to your heart, close by where Kourtney lives...she is smiling for you and for them.  I love the pics of your mementos of Kourtney...a place for your heart to rest. 

Kim:  thank you for reading about our kids...it really does help...you and us...when you are ready, you will post about Nate...when you are ready we will be here to listen. 

More snow again today!!!   Goodness...don't think it's ever going to end.  Terrible time driving today, would never have gone out had I not had a dr's appt that couldn't be changed.  Made it home safely, though...thankfully.

Have a good night, everybody.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

I have a Micheal 'shrine'.  This is mum and dad's old stero from the '60's.  Mike loved it.  Played 78's, 33's, and 45's.  If you have to ask you're too young!! 

The painting is of Marvin the Martian ~ Mikes favourite cartoon character along with Taz. 

He painted a number of Warner Bros characters for the grandies.  Tweety adorns the play room here.  When Luke died they place one of Mikes painting of Marvin with him.

The taller angel with the young boy came from Chrisse the calltaker on the day.  The day before she had been told she was pregnant with her second baby.  She lost the child weeks later. The smaller was a gift and the brain won't tell me who from.  The feather collected by one of the grandies.

Mikes ashes are in the ceramic canister.  My NY 'angel' from Kathy is on the plinth.  The pics of Mike are amongst my favourites.  Then there is the guitar......If music be the food of love...play on......

Its not a place that brings me to the darkest corners of grief.  Its a place where a life time of memories are triggered.  For a time Mike comes to life again.

Peace out..... 

 

 

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

I have been away all day today and I have just been trying to catch up on all the that is going onl  Greg I love the video  You are so fortunate to have such a treasure.

 I really enjoyed loooking at  all the pictures of the shrines to all  our angels. 

I too have a shrine of Stephen in my bedroom.   The shrine has pictures of him, his car and little chrystal gifts that he purchased for me over the years,  It warms my heart and reminds me that he lived and loved life and it makes me happy.    

Thank you everyone for being here and sharing.  Have a good evening

Betty

Stephen'smom 

[mikesmomrs]

"Its not a place that brings me to the darkest corners of grief.  Its a place where a life time of memories are triggered.  For a time Mike comes to life again."

Trudi:  An accurate description of what happens to my heart when I am looking at our Mike's shelves...  and I love that you've shared this "place of Micheal" that calms your heart...

These are our "memory shelves" where we have some of Mike's tangibles...

a couple of my favorite pics, the crucifix engraved and given to Mike when he was Confirmed...he had it on his wall til he left home.   A ceramic heart we had engraved for last Christmas...a ribbon across the top reads "In our hearts forever..." his name and dates are just below it... a heart-shaped rock we found while out one day and talking about Mike at the time...Mike's shoes he took his first steps in...bronzed, so glad I had them done when I did...a musical snow globe that Mike gave me for Christmas one year...plays "When You Wish Upon a Star"   Second shelf has Mike's ashes in a stainless steel urn, with his last Baseball cap on top of it...beside that is the baseball Mike got from his last baseball game...hit by a Red Sox player...to the left of the urn, a very tiny Red VW

and this, of course, is the metal, red VW that Mike led me to while in MN, at the mall with Trudi and Marcia...the only one in the store...and Mike knows how I love a "clearance sale," it was on clearance for 75% off!  How could I leave MN without it?! Thank you for the encouragement, guys, I am so glad I gave in to my impulses!

Betty:  Maybe you could post pics of your Stephen's "place" of things that are special to you...

This summer we will do a "memory shelf" specifically for Mike's kids, with things that they want to put on it.  They have asked about completing their scrapbooks that they started last winter...so that will be something we will work on this summer.  I am glad that they want to do it...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mysonrich]

Trudi, The balloon did take off in your direction. I watched as far as my eyes could see. At one point there was a spark of light. It was blue. I suppose that could be explained having an airport near-by, a light reflected from Rich's blue balloon at just the right moment but, that is something in its self.

 

I don't have one spot for Rich. He is around the house. Pictures of Rich, on the frig, bookshelf, coffee table. Pics of Rich with Sarah, a snow globe that Sarah gave me , Rich's last Christmas with us. Two kids, in a chair , the boy smaller,younger then the girl, Santa Claus. A 3D art project from 3 grade and a little boy skateboarding. I guess it should be painted, I saw the skating boarding boy during the beginning of spring, I tucked him under my arm and took him home. His kite. I think if a stranger were to come in they may be a bit taken aback, but that doesn't matter to me.

 

Greg, loved the video. I tried to take Rich fishing once from the banks. We caught tree branches ! Rich and his dad did have trips throughout the year  on a friends ocean going boat. It was something they kept a date for on fathers day and other days.

 

Thinking of you all.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

If our children were still physically alive, and we had pictures and trophy's set out, no one would think a thing about it, other than we were proud of them. 

I say physically alive on purpose..........because I believe their spirits, the bigger part of them, the most important part of them, are still very much alive.

Good to see Nate's face this morning!

Much love to all of you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotsauce]

good morning to EVERYONE,

DEE, thanks for asking, but it's the same old stuff in my neck of the woods. i am feeling very depressed lately, don't know why.

good seeing all the new pictures of your items to remember your angel.  my angel BRIAN is all over the house, but his urn sits on the coffee table in the living room with his picture by it.

BONNIE, good to heard that your husband is doing well.

really don't know what to type, but i am reading all the post, and i know i am not alone.

have a good day to ALL.

mary ann

BRIAN'S momdukes

[bjsmom]

[user=39355]msnher[/user] wrote:

BJ   BJ   BJ   BJ   BJ   BJ   BJ   BJ   BJ   BJ

 

Susannah(Stephanie's mom)- Thank you for this!!! It made my day.

Deneace(BjsMom)

 

 

[lolynbo]

I KNOW I HAVE POSTED THIS BEFORE..BUT SADLY WE HAVE NEW PARENTS ON HERE...AND NO ONE KNOWS BUT US HOW TRUE THIS IS....AND WHY LOSING OUR KIDS HURT SO MUCH...

[Guest]

Beautiful, Lorri!  Thanks for posting it.

Sending love and light to all!!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Thanks Lorrie  That was a  beautiful reminder. I am just sitting here thinking- as usual and Carol's suggestion that I post  a picture of Stephen's small Shrine came to mind and I discovered that I am still very much just pushing myself to show up each day.  Anything over and above whatI think I want/can handle seems to send my brain into overdrive and I just short circuit and decide I am not doing anything. 

 I have no reason for not taking the picture and posting  I have my new printer and all but I think  I believe that if I donot talk too much about it  It WILL NOT be Real!!!  I know that is crazy  but that is deep down how I feel.   If I talk about Stephen it is always about some activity he did or loved and it feels as if he is still with me.  Talking about his passing is still to painful and that is after nearly 3 years WOW!!

 

Reading how we each handled the deathof a pet brought tears to my eyes and for the thousand time the thought "if only I could do it over.  I would do it better."

I just wanted to say that Beth has posted a separate message about her journey and I want her to  know how much she is thought of and cared for.  Little Zachy's innocent face warms my soul each time I see his picture.

Saying the names of all the angels is such a great idea I will try  Brian, Mike,Micheal,Brian, BJ, Nate, Michelle, Rich, Zachy, Stephenie,Joabo,Stephen, Jason, Brian, Nick, Davey, Joey,Danielle, Eri, Bethany, Jessica, Kourtney, Kayla, Danny, Drew,  and all other Indigo Angels

   If I missed anyone I am so sorry Have a good day Indigos Thanks for keeping me connected

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[ericasmom]

Indeed Lorri, it will always hold true. Betty, I get what you are saying, I know, infact, I think that is why I needed to cry so hard last night, I needed to sit with time for a bit, sit with songs that sing about the loss of one so dear. there are times that I tell my story and it feels as though I am telling it about someone else.

I wonder how you are Leah? You carry a big load so please don't carry alone, adn I wonder too about Claudia, how are you? You either are extremely busy right now or you are needing some quiet and privacy. Either way, thinking of you and I am sending good thoughts.

Love to All,

dee

[daveydow1]

Dee----We had a nice array of birds coming to the feeders. Finches, waxwings,

jays, cardinals, and of course the woodpeckers. I really miss them. I'm sure

my husband will be feeding them whenever we get moved. There are woods

all around our country place. We took a walk back beside the cornfield, and

saw many tracks of deer, raccoons, wild turkeys. Denny has a good pair of

binoculars, so that helps to spot birds up high , as you say. The deer startle

us, and we startle them, right?   Take care on your walks.

Deneace----Yes, it is difficult to know what to say to some of the questions that

young children ask about death. That was a sad experience for your dear BJ to go

through when your beloved mom passed, and he was so young. He acted bravely

 for a child his age. Bless his dear heart.

Lorri----Thanks for the graphic and photos.

Betty----So kind of you to say all our ANGELS names. Thank you, friend.

           Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry  

[nicksdad]

If for some unknown reason I am missing a child "please" let me know. Either here or PM me so I can correct it.....

[lolynbo]

NICKS DAD...HOW AWESOME..THANK YOU

[hotrod]

WOW DAN

SUCH A TAlENT AND HOW VERY THOUGHTFUL!!!

THE PICTURE IS SO MUCH WARMER  THAN SIMPLY NAMING THE NAME

(A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS)

 I HAVE ALREADY PRINTED IT. AND INTEND TO GET A FRAME TOMORROW

Dan I printed the picture on Photo Printing  paper and it is perfect  

THANKS AGAIN

 

Betty

Stephen'smom

[Guest]

Nicksdad (Dan?)

I'm rarely speechless, but I'm speechless.  My heart is so full.  Thank you.

There are some faces I don't recognize.  Some names I haven't quite memorized, yet. 

It is for that reason I don't list them.  Not because they aren't on my mind.  Not because I don't think of them.....but, because I don't want to offend or slight anyone by leaving off your precious child's name.  I NOW realize I did leave off some names when I tried to list them.. 

They are always in my heart.  And, now they are pictured on my desktop.

Okay...so, I wasn't TOTALLY speechless

Bless you....dear dad of Nick!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Dan,

thanks so very much for the gorgeous photo that connects our kids in such a way that makes my heart glad knowing and seeing the Kids she is hanging with. I just started listening to the song I sent everyone yesterday, Just Breathe, and catching up on my mail, there it was, the photo, JUST BREATHE, and he sings, see you on the other side.

Indeed.

Dan, this is a gift and you have lightened our hearts in a collective smile.

Sus, there are Kids you don't know in part because the Parents of some of our Lovely Ones no longer post here, or their last post was before you came on to this site. Don't apologize for not knowing everyone in the photo, it simply is a matter of timing.

A good night to all, it is hailing ice right now with big winds. The ground out the window glistens in ice coating, like frosting. Won't be walking tonight that is for sure.

Sherry, the new place sounds really pretty, I will look forward to photos when you do move. Won't it be nice to have spring in a new place? How far from where you now live?

dee

[summergirl]

Hello Indigo's - a very bad day until I came here and saw the beautiful pic that you did Dan.......no words just tears and thanks.

 

"MOTHER LOVE IS THE FUEL THAT ENABLES A NORMAL HUMAN BEING TO DO THE IMPOSSIBLE"

 

Peaceful dreams my friends, catch up tomorrow....Kathy

[Guest]

Our own Beth is struggling right now....as she shared on another thread she began on Beyond Indigo.  Sending energy and light to help buoy her up.

I attended 8yr old Mariah's counseling session with her today.  We are fortunate to have one of the best child therapists in Wyoming.  The state held back no expense in aiding our grandchildren. 

It was interesting and heartbreaking as I watched my grand-daughter hang her head, so her hair hid her face as she talked.  Or rather, didn't talk, but shook her head.  As the questions started hitting their target she held a huge pillow to her face and soon was rolling on the floor trying to "hide".

Quickly she jumped up and took a piece of paper and marker and colored her feelings.  Holes in her heart.

In the end, an hour later, what was expressed was her anger towards her mother for dying.  And, towards me for allowing her to die.  "You're her mother.  You should have stopped her."

As odd as it may seem, it was all very encouraging.  It is healing for her to express her anger.....even at me.  She was afraid to be angry with me.  I assured her that she was "stuck with me" until she's 18.  "You're mine, now, and I'm going to love you and take care of you no matter what."

Very theraputic for her.

Gary and I will soon be their legal parents.  Weird.

They want to call me Mommy.  That is too weird and feels like a betrayal to Stephanie.  We settled on Mima (long e sound) and Papa.

I stared at my daughter's picture for a long time tonight.  It is hard to articulate the feeling of sadness and understanding combined.  My heart aches, but there is peace. 

I wish I could send that peace to all of you who are in the depths of despair tonight.  I wish to honor your grief.  Knowing nothing I say can make it better.  Knowing that just being here helps.  Knowing I could be in the depths tomorrow.

"Death is not an ending.  It is a continuance."

I was told that this morning by a very reliable source. 

Much love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmum]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

Dan,

thanks so very much for the gorgeous photo that connects our kids in such a way that makes my heart glad knowing and seeing the Kids she is hanging with. I just started listening to the song I sent everyone yesterday, Just Breathe, and catching up on my mail, there it was, the photo, JUST BREATHE, and he sings, see you on the other side.

Indeed.

Dan, this is a gift and you have lightened our hearts in a collective smile.

Dan - Truly beautiful - connected!

Dee - Have been fiddling with my iPod, downloads are a mystery.  I make the playlist and tunes I haven't picked are on my iPod.  Go figure.  But I digress.

I was doing the housework (yes I know sad), with the iPod on.   Eagles ended then out of no where, Faith Hill "Breathe". 

I start out okay then end on my knees crying as I hear "JUST BREATHE" echo through my earphones....I'm screaming - JUST BREATHE.

The connections, triggers that bring us undone come from nowhere without warning.

Susannah - Like you say, hard to hear the pain from this little one, but in many ways getting it out begins the healing.  Love that you have, like Kathy kept the 'granma' status.  Steph never forgotten.

Betty - I would love to see more of Stephens memories if you're up to it.

Bonnie - Hope Rich and Emily are going okay.

Carol - Ahh yes the shopping mall day trip.  Clothes, bags, shoes, cars all bought once we stepped out of our comfort zone.  My first purchases from Macy's!!

Charley is settling well.  Muttley still number one son!

Warming up here - hoping for a fine weekend.

Love to all the Indigos.

 

 

 

[mikesmum]

Okay - its offical my computer is working autonomously.  I was looking for a YouTube of Faith Hills Breath.  Clicked on what I thought was her - this is what I got...??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JF1UOFa3Fl4

 

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi:  Micheal has a connection to your iPod...the song was beautiful, and I especially like that it began with the door opening to the wide expanse of the sky, as well as ending that way.  thanks for sharing.

Susannah:  Such good work with sweet Mariah...I am glad you were there with her.  I think it gave you a deeper understanding of how she feels and she was able to communicate some of her feelings to you.  The work of healing continues.  Nothing is ever weird about what you write...your writing is so full of wisdom, and yes, we all have the up and down syndrome.  We have the saying one thing, but still meaning another, also.  We understand.  Thank you for sharing. 

Dan:  Beautiful work....thank you so very much. 

Sherry:  It does sound like a beautiful place that you are moving to...as Dee said, it will be so nice to be there in spring. 

I had a sweet happening today...hubby had posted a family picture on his facebook that was taken last Easter, so of course, it was without Mike.  I had hesitated at first even having the picture taken, because I knew we would always be "minus one."  Well, our daughter Cathi added to the pic..."Of course, Mike is hiding right there, between mom and dad, but only we can see him."  She is so in tune with our feelings as well as her own.  I thank God for her.

love and peace everyone, Carol  mikesmomrs

[lostwoher]

  Thinking of you all and your Angels.

 Make it a great day

Lynn aka Kayla's mom then, now and forever

[ericasmom]

Hi Carol you Sweetheart you. I agree with you about Susannah, what you said to Mariah and the work you are doing with she and her siblings will go a long way to recovering her heart, holes and all. I also agree Carol that Mike had taken over the ipod and the door opening was significant, but also that the waves of the ocean were predominant, as Trudi's connection with the ocean. Hey Mike, thanks for surrounding your Mom. And Carol, I love that Cathi did what she did, I think that she is very connected to her Bro and you. Sweet Child.

Hey Lynn, be careful, the roads around here look to shining in ice. I did not go out for my morning walk as I just don't want to take a big chance in falling, my arm is still healing.

A beautiful day to All here who post or read or sit quietly near us as they find their way to the table,

dee

[Guest]

Kathy - I hope you got some rest last night.

Trudi - Wow!  I agree with Dee and Carol.......Mike is making himself known to you.  I got shivers all up my spine as the song began and the waves crashed against the shore.  Too cool!

Carol - What a sweet, intuitive daughter Cathi sounds like!  You are blessed. 

Lynn- It's always nice to see Kayla's face.  You have a great day, too!

Wishing all of you a blessed day!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Indigos,

I have a story to tell you. Probably said it before, but it is ok to repeat our joys.

On Christmas day, 2009, the waves of the Pacific Ocean were lapping our ankles.  We put some of my Mothers ashes in the Pacific and the Ocean was so calm.

When the family gathered, said a pray, and placed some of Brian's ashes in the Pacific, a wave came over our waist!!! - We were soaked.  Then the Ocean returned calm.

We were taking pictures of the event.  The calm at the beginning and the huge wave hugging us afterward.  You can see the wave coming.  It looks so small, but when it hit us, WOW.

We knew that was Brian.  It was really unbeliveable.

My boy is around me.  I miss him so much.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[carriebear]

Oh Colleen I love the wave, straight from your boy Brian to hug all of you.  I'm so glad you got a picture of it too! And yes, always feel free to repeat the joys!

Trudi, wow you know Micheal sure picked a fantastic tune, thanks for sharing it with us...although I have a hard time catching all the words, it's such an uplifting & positive song I know he sent it especially for you.

Thank you Dee for asking about me...I'm OK.  It's a busy time of year at work (accounting) which is a relief in immersion because the holiday slump hit me pretty hard. 

Susannah, your words just flow straight from your heart, and soothe all of ours, thank you. And big hugs to brave Mariah.

I love you all sharing music & lyrics...so here's some from me, very close to my heart.

David & I shared a passion for Dave Matthews Band and I want to share a story with ya'll.  I'd been making the yearly trip to see Dave Matthews in concert for several years when I found out that David had never seen him live.  So I made it my mission to take him to see Dave and we had the best time, singing along & dancing, having a blast.  It wasn't until after David's leaving that I found out that we shared the same favorite DMB song, #41.  Last summer while on our trip out to Yellowstone to visit where David's ashes are scattered, me, Donna & brother Jay were driving to the airport for our return home.  We stopped to fill up the rental car, and on the satellite radio came the opening notes of #41...my eyes filled up with tears as Jay turned to me & said well there's Ted's favorite DMB song!  It had always been mine too.  It felt like he was sending us off with this amazing song.  Once we got back home, Jay's girlfriend Tasha told me she'd felt Ted so strongly the day before...she was driving down the road & thought she heard a motorcycle passing her but there wasn't one anywhere around she could see.  Then, she said #41 came on her radio, and she knew it was Ted saying HI!

It turned out, that happened to her here around 2:30, which was 12:30 our time, the very moment we were at the gas station hearing #41 all the way across the country.

Anyhow, I'm a jam band fan...so this is a long, jammy kind of song, and what always gets me about it is the instrumental part after Dave finishes the verses...it's like the music says all those things I can never put into words...

And too, the beautiful saxophone solo takes my breath away, every time I hear it.  That extraordinarily talented musician, LeRoi Moore, left this plane shortly after David did, I believe just about a month later actually...he'd suffered injuries in an ATV accident earlier that summer and had complications, leading to his death.

When I heard that he had died, I froze... then eventually thought, maybe David has a front row seat to hear LeRoi jam on & on now... I sure hope so.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEbb621s_GI

[nicksdad]

Ok....Yes I did somehow leave a few children off...how no idea...but I think it's all up to date...if not feel free to let me know.

 

[Guest]

Hi Carriebear;

I'm a little lost, you mention the names Ted and Dave.  Are they one and the same?  Have you endured two losses?

I love the story about song #41 and it playing as you were leaving.  I so appreciate those signs from our angels.

I have a question for you and anyone else....was it hard to spread their ashes?  I keep Stephanie in my curio cabinet.  At first (it's still 'at first' for me) I thought I would save them forever, but I've been having the feeling that isn't what she wants.  The problem is I have no idea where she would want her ashes spread.  And, I'm not sure I can part with them.   Yet.

I appreciate all the accolades about my writing.  Finally, I am trying to put them to good use in the form of a book.  May never be published.  May never sell.  I don't even know how to go about doing such a thing.  But, it is quite healing for me.

So cool about the hug in the wave!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Carriebear:  beautiful signs from your beautiful Dave...he knew, and he sent his love to you through the music you both shared and loved.  When my daughter Cathi, went to his birthday ball game (we go to a Red Sox game for his birthday), as she was coming down the stairs to her seat, they started playing Weezer's "Island in the Sun," which has "hip hip" as part of the song.  Whenever they would meet, they would touch each other's hands and say "hip hip" in honor of their shared love for that song.  Later, I met the music director (she plays the songs at the game), and told her about what happened, and she said "Oh, my gosh, I remember playing that song and I had no idea why I did...I've never played it here before."   Yes, there are signs everywhere.   Mike was a DMB fan, as well, and truly loved instrumentals, though I don't know what his favorite from them was.  I am sure his sister and nephew know.  One of his favorite from PHISH was "Divided Sky" which was 99% instrumental.  He just loved getting lost in them. 

Susannah:  It can be difficult to spread the ashes, but it can also be a gift.  We've spread some of Mike's in the river that he loved to visit---had taken his boys to, we've spread them, just a little, under the stone at his memorial site, and Colleen kindly spread some in the Pacific (his wishes to have some in the Pacific) for us this past Christmas.  He also asked that some be put in the ocean in Costa Rica, but understood that that would not likely happen.  However, we never know.   We each have some of his ashes...in a "Keepsake" urn, per his request, also.  These are small urns that can be purchased online (we got ours from a dealer on eBay), and they were only about 8 or 9 dollars each.  The funeral home will put them in the urns for you if you like.  Our intention for the large urn is to have it put with us when we pass.  We've discussed it with his wife, Sarah, and after much thought on her part, she wanted to not have a "plot" for "them."  She was only 25 when Mike passed, and the reality of life dictates that there is a good possibility that she will remarry at some point and spend her lifetime with another.  She was married to Mike for only 2 years, and so the decision was made to have Mike's plot with ours.  Sarah, of course, has a "keepsake" urn, also, and likely will have that placed with her on her passing---hopefully many, many years from now.  Marcia has planned to spread some of Bethany's in different places that they visit...a sweet idea that likely we will do also, when/if we take our road trip.  Mike loved seeing new places. 

It is a decision of the heart, and fortunately, we had some of the decision made by Mike by his telling us beforehand.  You know your Stephanie better than anyone. 

Colleen...thank you for sharing the story of Brian's wave...it is good to hear...never stop telling it.   

I hope everyone has a good day.  Sun here today...snow FINALLY stopped.  Going OUT!!!

love and peace, carol  mikesmomrs

[carriebear]

Susannah, yes that is quite confusing! Sorry!  David & Ted are one in the same.  David was named after his Grandfather "David", who everyone called "Ted", so "Ted" became his nickname too.  Once he went to college he wanted to honor his Grandfather's memory by being called "David".  Also, he was like a big ol Teddy Bear, so "Ted" kind of stuck anyway.

David was a paratrooper in the 82nd Airborne, and had served 2 tours in Iraq, 1 in Afghanistan, so he had discussed his wishes 'just in case'.  He'd spent 2 weeks backpacking & camping in Yellowstone for an ecology class in college in 2002, and fell in love with the place, the land, the wildlife, everything.  So he requested, should anything ever happen to him, he wanted his ashes scattered there. Momma Donna tried to talk him into somewhere closer (& not a 7-mile backcountry hike into wilderness) just in case she couldn't make it all the way out there.  So he said Buffalo mountain would do, it's in Virginia about 2 hours from here and a gorgeous 360 view from the top....but he *really* wanted to be in Yellowstone, in Slough Valley where he saw the wolves and bears!  So what has wound up happening, is David is everywhere (and I know he loves that!)  Mostly in Yellowstone, some at Buffalo mountain, some in special keepsake blown glass pendants, and a little that we took to his memorial stone at the military cemetary.  (We weren't 'supposed' to do that but we felt like he'd like it there in the historic cemetary under the huge old oaks.) We were blessed in a way to know exactly what he wanted, and I think that made it less of a decision, and more of an honoring of his wishes. I think you should do exactly what you feel like doing, if that means holding on, so be it...I think that Stephanie will let you know when/if the perfect place occurs to her.   

Hugs, Susannah, sorry for being a bit wordy...you asked about my favorite person

[ericasmom]

Col and Carrie, love both of those stories as they both sent the good kind of shivers up my back, and down my arms. There is some magic in loss, and those of us who receive these magical messages are reminded then, that our Loved Ones are right here with us. Every little thing, is going to be alright. Not easy, but alright.

Love and hugs,

dee

[Guest]

Thank you, Carol and Carriebear (ummm...what's your name?  )

I love to read the stories about your children....who they were...how they died.  I'm hesitant in asking because I don't know proper etiquette for these things.  However, I know I am honored when someone asks about Stephanie, her life and her passing.

I would love to know more about David, aka Ted.  Did he die is the service? 

I don't always recall the names and what faces goe with which names, but I do remember them.  I think about your angels.  I pray for them.  I pray for all of you.  I thank God for each of you.  You have become my lifeline to reality and grief and life. 

With you, I am myself.  My authentic self.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  I'm so grateful!  You have given me validation that I'm not crazy and I'm not alone. 

I'm beginning to know each of you as individuals with your own distinct personalities.  Your children are honored through you. 

Dee's ability to validate and articulate the journey....because of her own gift of words and unfortunately, her own experience and the length of time she's been on this journey. 

Trudi also has the gift of reaching out in compassion and articulation.  (is that a word?)

Carol - your own gift of words and love.

Lorri - Your spunk.  Your "I HATE THIS".  Your passion for your children. 

The dads - Greg and Dan (did I miss one)...who remind us not just mothers feel the loss and comfort in pictures and songs and videos.  (such a gift!)

Oh - each of you!!!  Stephen's mom (sorry, your name escapes me at the moment) just sharing love and hope.

Sue, Leah, Beth, Kim, EACH OF YOU...even the one's I failed to mention have touched me!! 

Your passions, your grief, your hopes, your strengths and your weaknesses....all powerful....Through tears, snot and spit....we mourn the loss of our children and praise the power of life left.

Thank you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

Continued........

Marcia, Mary Ann, Lynn, Betty, Betsy, Claudia, Sonya, Terrie, Amanda, Kathy, Sherry, Deneace, Colleen.

STEPHANIE, BETHANY, STEPHEN, RICH, BRIAN, KAYLA, NICK, KOURTNEY, JOEY, MICHEAL, MIKE, BRIAN, MICHELLE, BRIAN, BJ, ZACH, DANIELLE, ERICA, ADAM, JASON, CAMERON,  JESSICA, JABOA, DAVEY,  ANDREW, NATE,  DAVID (TED)

 

[katant]

Nick's Dad....beautiful job on the pictures.  It is awesome.

So the Memorial Hockey game went very well.  I was very freaked out at first but once I got into the rink, saw all the skaters on the ice, I almost felt as ease.  It was cool hearing all the sounds, the smells, the people who I have not seen in quiet a while.  In the end, it was a good night.

Other than that, I am feeling okay.  Tired but good.

kathy

[briansdad]

Kathy,

Love hockey!! I got to play a few times in pickup games with both of my boys.Brian loved to play.When they were little I would take them to the rink with me every friday.We always had late iice times and by the time the game was over and I was showered and dressed I'd go out and all three of them were sleeping. I do miss those times. It is really a shame that we never appreciate times like these until we're older.             

[hotsauce]

hello to ALL, i hope YOUR day is good.

Dan, you did a beautiful job with the pictures of OUR ANGELS.  thank you for spending the time to do it.  i made a copy of it and now it hangs right on my computer.

mary ann

BRIAN'S momdukes

[carriebear]

Oh Carol, your post so made me smile. I like that Weezer song too and I think I recall you mentioning that Mike loved it...I really love his & Cathi's 'secret Weezer handshake'!  I went out to see some friends in a cover band a couple weeks ago, and they played that very song.  It made me smile, and now whenever I hear it I'll surely smile and think of Mike and Cathi..."hip hip".  Beautiful sign for his sis at the game too, I love the signs, the more I look the more I see.

It was David who actually turned me onto Phish...I've always been more of a 'deadhead'.  I'll never forget, one evening working on lab reports for chemistry, David sang, "HEY! The tires on the things on your car that make contact with the road....bummed is what you are when you get back to your car and it's been towed!"

I thought he'd gone round the bend until he told me he was singing a Phish song.  He was so silly, and loved their silly lyrics.  Their music was what drew me in, love those jams! Divided Sky is one of my favorites too, and will forever now remind me of Mike.  Thank you!

Dee, you are so right, it gives me shivers too, and every little thing, gon' be alright ...love those 3 little birds too.

Susannah, I'm Carrie, and my nickname on here is in honor of our 'Teddy Bear'.  Thanks for asking about him, I love to talk about him.  He served our country for 4 years in the Army's 82nd Airborne, and we all basically held our breath for those years, praying & waiting for him to come home.  He made it back, and I'll forever treasure my memory of the first time I saw him when he was really, finally home for good.  I could hardly believe my eyes...

He was home just about 2 months, and was riding his motorcycle when a truck made an improper turn and hit him head on.  He did not suffer, we were told.  There is on-going legal wrangling because the truck was a commercial vehicle and the driver had no CDLs or even a regular drivers license...oh the anger...there are no words.  The missing, never ends.  Not a day goes by...not one. 

I leave ya'll for the evening with hugs, and hope to talk more soon.

Carrie

[mikesmum]

This last night I plugged in the iPod to charge.  This morning I have Arms of the Angels - artist Celtic Angels, the album Celtic Woman!  Know the song, its on Mikes memorial page.  Don't know the artist or the album - but Celtic...comeon its like being hit with a sledge hammer!!!

Carriebear - Love it!  I love the sax, flute and fiddle solos....I get taken away (not by the white coat guys, though somedays...) by music.  The haunting notes from the instrumental soothe my rattled brain.

The scattering of ashes as Carol says is a truly personal thing.  It also something that is done when it feels right.  I have been feeling that Mike wants to free.  The river is calling.   So when it feels right for all of us we will take a day and release his earthly remains to the flowing river....

Kathy - So glad you went and came away feeling positive.  Memories, happy ones with you I hope.

Susannah - Yep here is where we don't need to 'present well'.  We share, unload, re energise by being able to tell it like it is 'warts and all'. 

"I hate this" something we all have said at one time or another.  I miss Mike.  I miss the person I was before.  I miss my life, the one I once had.  Even though I continue to live there is only a small part of the one who once was visible - and she doesn't like to come out much.

Kathy - Hope you and Tavian are doing okay.

Bonnie - Thoughts with you Rich and Emily as you buffer another of lifes challenges. 

Dee - Bought a new pocket photo album for holiday pics of grandies...Tinkerbell on the cover...Jeya's favourite 'person'? next to granma of course.

Younger brother lost his boy 8yrs ago.  This week he is waiting to see if his Collie has lymphoma.  Smidge is to Bill what Muttley is to me....ESP. 

Walked Charley - needed a break.  Now off with Muttley....Latte at the Bakery you are all invited....

[hotrod]

HI Indigos 

 

You have all been very  busy typing your hearts out!!! Thanks for your warmth and love!!

 

Susannah listing all the angels names and their Moms is so very special, your warmth and honesty is so refreshing. Dan Correcting the picture to include the other Angels was very special and gracious  Thanks

Stephen loved to Race his car "Little Victories at a particular race track.  He was happiest there and at the Beach  I sprinkled his ashes at the Finish Line at the Race Track, Some in the Ocean that he loved, Some at his memorial and I still have some at his little shrine in my home.  When you are ready you will know where Stephanie would like to be. 

 

When you are ready to publish your book you can always self publish.  I have 2 friends who have done that and are very pleased  So go ahead with that book!!!

 

Kathy I am glad you were able to participate in the Hockey Memorial and Greg's memory of his times spent with his 3 boys at Hockey game was so touching and sweet.  Since I only had Stephen, I did hold each event as special treasures and held it to my heart but I did not realize they would end so quickly. If I had I would have held each moment as special

Trudi, Carol and Dee  I love  the music and the moments you have shared.  I am not good at seeing signs but I love to hear about them and since  I am a Country and Western Fan  Old Johnny Cash and Hank William - I have my own sad songs but they are not the current singers.

 

Trudi I agree I very rarely see the person I use to be and I do miss her as does everyone else in my family.  :?

 

Mary Ann so good to see you posting and letting us all see  Brian  each day

 

Colleen Loved the story about the Wave hugging you Brian really let you know he approved

 

Beth I wish you would sign in and let us know you are OK

 

Sherry, Marcia, Claudia, Terrie, Sonya, Betsy, Rosie, Leah, Lorrie and all Indigos

 Have a Blessed night

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

 

[lolynbo]

WELL MONTY AND I  ARE TAKING BRENT AND CARLEY TO DINNER TOMARROW NIGHT....TO TELL THEM WE WILL NOT ATTEND THE WEDDING..BECAUSE WE CAN NOT TRUST OUR EMOTIONS AND WE DO LOVE THEM...SO HARD...SO YAL PRAY FOR US TO NOT SOUND LIKE BLOOMING IDIOTS...

[katant]

Hi All,

Just needed to vent a bit...I am SOOOO over my legal crap.  I just want to get on with my life.  Big sigh.....ahhhhhhh  I am just needing to feel what it would be like to actually take that big step forward that I still....3 years later....have not been able to do. 

We lose our loved ones and we are supposed to grieve, go through our feelings, anger, sorrow, deseperation, depression, complete break downs, some good days, more bad.  But some point during our new lives without the one we lost, it's a complete let down when the last person in the world you thought could completely hold your life up in order to "cash in" on the blood of your child is beyond any feeling I can convey.  For a few thousand dollars.  Is money really worth doing what people think is what life is about.

I am so fortunate to know for a fact that money is just paper with numbers on it that is supposed to do something.  Get you a cup of coffee, let's you buy chinese food or a new car....but really, in the end, all you have is what you around you.  Your family, your friends.  That is what your left with.  Does money bring your loved one back? nope.  Does money bring you closure?  Hell NO...there is no such thing.  Not sure who or where that came from.  Does doing what is right worth all the fighting and torture to your emotional strain...maybe....but in the end it does not matter.

People who do what has been done to me will be alone one day.  Really alone.  Nobody to call, nobody to ask a question to.  Nobody to say I love you...that is not worth any amount of money. 

I take every as they come.  Go to sleep saying goodnight to Anthony.  Wondering what the next day will be like.  

So tonight I want to ask my BI friends...What really matters to you?

What are you thankful for today?  Today I am thankful for the hug I got from my step-father just because.  Thankful for the comforts of the home and the love I have around me.  It's irreplaceable.   And for my friends here that understand exactly what I am talking about and thank you for listening.  Love u all...kathy

[lostwoher]

 Since ya all are sharing songs i had to share this. Most of us are in need of sunshine and some of you have your dogs so- enjoy! :

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=norcsii#p/u/0/pkPNa4DBFHI

Lynn

[mikesmum]

[user=16461]katant[/user] wrote:

Hi All,

Just needed to vent a bit...I am SOOOO over my legal crap.  I just want to get on with my life.  Big sigh.....ahhhhhhh  I am just needing to feel what it would be like to actually take that big step forward that I still....3 years later....have not been able to do. 

We lose our loved ones and we are supposed to grieve, go through our feelings, anger, sorrow, deseperation, depression, complete break downs, some good days, more bad.  But some point during our new lives without the one we lost, it's a complete let down when the last person in the world you thought could completely hold your life up in order to "cash in" on the blood of your child is beyond any feeling I can convey.  For a few thousand dollars.  Is money really worth doing what people think is what life is about.

I am so fortunate to know for a fact that money is just paper with numbers on it that is supposed to do something.  Get you a cup of coffee, let's you buy chinese food or a new car....but really, in the end, all you have is what you around you.  Your family, your friends.  That is what your left with.  Does money bring your loved one back? nope.  Does money bring you closure?  Hell NO...there is no such thing.  Not sure who or where that came from.  Does doing what is right worth all the fighting and torture to your emotional strain...maybe....but in the end it does not matter.

People who do what has been done to me will be alone one day.  Really alone.  Nobody to call, nobody to ask a question to.  Nobody to say I love you...that is not worth any amount of money. 

I take every as they come.  Go to sleep saying goodnight to Anthony.  Wondering what the next day will be like.  

So tonight I want to ask my BI friends...What really matters to you?

What are you thankful for today?  Today I am thankful for the hug I got from my step-father just because.  Thankful for the comforts of the home and the love I have around me.  It's irreplaceable.   And for my friends here that understand exactly what I am talking about and thank you for listening.  Love u all...kathy

 

Oh Kathy - I so get where you are coming from.  We send Christmas, Easter and Birthday presents to Mikes baby girl.  Her mum responded this year, not to us but to his ex Lauren.  In a letter amongst other things that were just plain disgusting, she said "tell the troll we don't want anything from her.  Hope she enjoys spending all her dead sons money!"

Short update.  Mike was insured for $400,000AU in Nov 06.  She applied for a payout the week of his death, before the funeral.  I was contacted by the insurer as a curteosy (sp).  I nearly died.  Given the circ**stances surrounding his death there was no payout on the policy.   We did post Harmony an Easter card from Scotland last year...hence she thinks we got the payout and are spending it like water.

What is important to me?  True friendships like those I found here. Even after meeting me, there is a connection that transends geography, status, background and accents.  Making each relationship I have count - not wasting the opportunity to say 'I love you, I'm sorry or just plain hi'.  I keep a journal/diary for Harmony so that no matter what she will know she is always in our hearts along with her dad.

What I live for "I love you granma", a sleeping pup that knows my every mood and a husband that would have to have had the worst 1st year of marriage and stayed.

Lynn - absolutely love it........looks like a morning walk with the pups....

Trudi - Peace Out.

 

[Guest]

Lorri - What a wonderful solution to share your love and support and still protect yourselves.  I'm impressed.  "Blooming Idiots" make beautiful gardens!  Just be yourselves and you'll do fine!  Keeping you in my prayers.

Kathy - It's good to vent.  I'm glad you shared about being tired of the legal battle.  We found out about Stephanie's boyfriend when she died.  He was not supposed to be with her.  He was in transition from getting out of prison for felony stalking and hogtying his ex and leaving her in a field to die.  He had a pass to be at church that Sunday.  Instead he and Stephanie went to his mother's house.

It was his four-wheeler Stephanie was riding.  No insurance.  No registration.  Stephanie didn't know how to ride it.  He claims she was alone.  I've never met him.  he went back to jail after it was discovered he wasn't where he was supposed to be.  I asked the deputy if he was charged and the answer was, "he has enough on his plate right now."

What!?  My daughter's dead and you're concerned that he violated his parole?

At the time, however, planning Stephanie's funeral...the criminal trial for my grandkids abuser..the civil trial for the same thing....I couldn't take on another fight. 

The investigation assured us there was no foul play.  I don't know.  I just couldn't fight.  And, nothing would bring her back. 

I have often wondered if I did the right thing. 

Reading what you wrote validates, in my mind, that I did. 

Thankyou.

Lynn - I'm walking on sunshine...ooh-ooh!  I love it!  I'm going to save that video for my favorites.  Definitely the kind of video to watch when in need of a pick me up!

Trudy - I don't know what to say.  That has to break your heart!  What a bad lady. 

I agree with you on things to be grateful for.  My husband, too, has been through a couple of trying first three years....and, not only stayed but adopted three more children.

We were laughing about that.  When someone asks how many children we have...we now have nine between us.  Three are our grandchildren.  We have 13 grandchildren.  Three are our children.  LOL

One thing's for sure.  Neither of us are going anywhere.  We are committed!  Neither one of us wants to be raising these kids by ourselves.  And, I'm sure he knows if he goes, the kids go with him!  LOl

I'm also grateful for the human spirit.  I'm grateful for our survival instinct that helps us find the good.  The best.  And, sometimes the best is just that there's an extra roll of toilet paper under the sink so I can put off going to the store for another day.

Love you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[summergirl]

Hello Indigo's...

What am I thankful for today??  Today I am thankful for the words that are posted here, for still being able to breathe when Feb 18th is coming closer, for my husband and Tavian, most of all I am thankful that I can stiil hear my Jessica inside my head, feel her arms wrapped around and close my eyes and see her beautiful face.

I had a bad night last night...went to Barry's mom's for her birthday and ended up leaving in tears...no point going into all the bullshit just will never understand the mentality of people, especially family, but then again I consider myself the out-law instead of the in-law....it just never ceases to amaze me at the stupidity and depth of lack of compassion....I will get over it as I always do but will not forget.

Lorrie, I am happy that you have made a decision on the wedding and we will all be with you as you have dinner and explain...Kourtney will be right next to you giving you the strength you and Monty need.

Came home from work today early as I have a sore throat and just feeling blah.

Tavian is enjoying some time with Grandma and the girls....it really has helped since her and I talked, I feel so much more at ease. She has called me twice to let me know that he is fine and they are having fun, he is doing his homework every night and for me to relax for a bit.....talking really helps in any situation doesn't it??

I am trying to catch up with all the postings but seem to be in a place where I can read but no words come when I post.....

I love you all and peaceful dreams and sleep.  Kathy

MY SWEET JESSICA, MY DAUGHTER, MY BEST FRIEND HOW I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. I AM HOLDING ON TIGHT, HEARING YOU WHISPER "MOM, I AM HERE". I JUST WANT YOU HERE WITH US, YOUR LAUGHTER TO FILL THE ROOM, YOUR SMILE TO LIGHT UP MY WORLD. I WANT TO SEE YOU WALK THROUGH THE DOOR AND SAY "HEY MOMMA, WATCHA YA DOING????  ALWAYS IN MY HEART AND MIND, ALWAYS MISSING YOU WITH EACH BREATH I TAKE......LOVE YOU, MOM

 

[heartbeataway]

What matters to me ......

Waking up and feeling the warmth of Rich next to me. Three pups that continue to love us with amazing loyalty. Making a difference in the lives of innocent children. A good cup of tea.  The unconditional love and acceptance of amazing friends. Beyond Indigo and knowing that I'm closer to that last heartbeat and seeing our boy again .......