Loss of an Adult Child

[shellbellsmom]

Dee, I think this is the link for the gathering. 

http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/Gathering.html

[mysonrich]

My heart hurts. When I think about an opportunity that has been presented and the choice of a move closer to Sarah, friends, family..my heart actually,physically  aches. There will be no Rich. No Rich to meet at regional rail train for a birthday dinner. No car stereo blaring from  a mile away. No Rich just stopping in. this is a road I think Sarah, her and Rich's dad and Rich's g/f have traveled, the familiar with Rich gone. I don't know if i will survive, really.

[hotrod]

Hi Betsy  I truly understand the breaking heart about  going to a place where Rich's memory is large and it  will not be again.  I am so sorry.  Be gentle with yourself and come here often and vent  It helps. Make the best decision for you.

You are in my prayers.

Betty

Stephen'smom

 

 

[mysonrich]

Hi Betty, thanks. After I worte the last post I went outside and took this picture of my neighbor's tree. Sometimes I think it's trying to tell me something. Home with a virus, what I thought was just a cold. maybe I should take a nap. Thanks again.

[ericasmom]

thanks Sue, I will look it over. Are you planning on attending?

How many folks might attend this gathering I wonder...I have to figure out if I can go at that time as it encompasses some of my 'holy days' of Eri.

Betsy, maybe I missed a post, was there a possibility of your moving or is your most recent post about the move you made. I am so sorry that your heart is aching. My friend, I wish I could gather you up and give you some comfort.

Love to All

[hotsauce]

good after noon to EVERYONE,

BESTY, i am sorry you are down and not feeling well, i hope you get better soon.

and to ANYONE ELSE not feeling good i hope you all get better soon.

i am just depressed and missing BRIAN.

love ALL

mary ann

BRIAN'S momdukes

[briansdad]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

thanks Sue, I will look it over. Are you planning on attending?

How many folks might attend this gathering I wonder...I have to figure out if I can go at that time as it encompasses some of my 'holy days' of Eri.

 

What better way to observe those days than with your friends at BI

Greg

[ericasmom]

Hi Mary Ann, I know you are blue Kiddo, but hang on, times will soften some of the blue and add some other colors. Promise.

[andrewsmother]

Hello my Indigo friends...

Still in my training class in Tampa Florida, missing both my children, my Andrew in heaven and my Chris back in Miami.  I'm lucky to have my parents here with me...I have to hide from my classmates which are all staying in the same hotel room, I'm the only one traveling with her old folks.  Kinda funny, though its not, of course, no one knows why my parents would even accompany me on a business training, I actually did share with my neighbor in class about my son and the fact that I couldn't travel by myself right now.  Funny thing happened, as our teacher was teaching all about Chase Home Loans and my mind was drifting to Andrew and death and those kinds of thoughts that seem to be so common for me nowawadays, I had this weird premonition that the teacher might have lost a child.  I stayed a little after class yesterday and was having a conversation with the teacher who is an older lady, I mentioned to her that I was supposed to have attended this class about a month ago but my son had died in a car accident.  The lady hugged me and told me she had lost her daughter 5 years ago.  Anyway....I thought that was weird.  I do feel a little better today after reading all of your posts.  I know the horrific pain will come back again, I have felt a little better before only to crumble again the next day.  I've been doing a lot of reading about God and life after death, I think that's helping me a little as well, I was such a skeptic before, now I do believe my son's spirit is alive and that gives me some comfort.  Well, our brake from class is over, thank you all for listening and being so caring.

Love...Rosie, Andrew's mom

[ericasmom]

Rosie, I am so proud of you to follow through with your sense of your teacher, becoming a sensitive to those who are among us, those who too, travel this path. There is a reason you are in her class Dear. She is showing you that this many years later she is taking the steps she needs, that life one day will find a balance and you will feel the strength you are gaining in all of this pain. It is an oxymoron I know, that we become so strong in our weakest moments. The strength comes from the love we have for our Child, the love they have for us, and the knowledge that they are always with us..We battle each day to face life anew, a life nobody wants, but we are right smack in the midst of it. And we find our ways. blessings to you, and to your lovely parents, and to your teacher. Tell her about this place, she may want to add her thoughts adn heart here.

dee

[4everjoeysmom]

Hey Betsy,

I went through the VERY SAME feelings you are having about going back to the familiar places and panicking, being sad, realizing that no matter where you turn to look, Rich will not be there (physically).

Even though living a good distance from "back home", where everything is familiar with vivid memories of all the places Joey had been, I have also found healing in not having to be faced everyday with those familiarities. Part of me cried out for the familiar, yet the larger part was appreciative for the respite, the distance, the adjustment of a new normal in a new place. After the memorial and returning to my new home, 15 months passed before I actually returned to that old familiar scene. It was devastating--all of the firsts and looking around, grasping to catch a glimpse of Joey, but nothing, just sadness. I was a recluse more or less that first trip back. Loved some of the things I did and being with my family, but I felt SO lost. After returning back to my new home from that 7 weeks of what seemed like a slow torture more than a happy vacation with family, it was another 22 months before I went "back to old home" again.

This latest trip, (the second time going back after Joey's death) more time had passed, and I actually really did enjoy myself. I got out, I did things with friends, I went alone to some of those old familiar places I had shared with Joey. It was easier. There were still tears...many tears. But it was easier. I think time helped to heal certain places that could not bare certain realities in the beginning. However, still, I was very relieved that it was temporary. And I STILL have NOT gone to the place where Joey took his last breath. I am not ready for that, not even after 3-1/2 years. Maybe next time...

SO, as I share this, Betsy, please know that what you are feeling is OK. Don't feel guilty for having reservations about going back to familiar places. And when you do go back, allow yourself the ability and space to grieve over "the firsts" that will hit you in those familiar places. Do only what you are up to doing, and don't let anyone force you to deal with more than you are ready for. Go at your pace. Sometimes I felt thrown into places and situations for having no other choice. But for the most part I was able to steer my journey at the pace I needed to travel. That was good for me. For each it varies, as we all know. But if you feel like talking about these specific feelings, there are people out here who have adapted to new normal in new places, and do understand every wright and mixed emotion you are feeling now.

Blessings from my Heart, and Godspeed!

Love,

Claudia (4EverJoeysMom)

[bjsmom]

Lynn- We're FB Buddies! Just found your request. My FB consists of Bj's friends, my friends from my past job and my high school buds that I graduated with. They somehow found me shortly after opening my page, really nice to see them again and they are a blessing to my soul. Because none of them have ever lost a child, they see the world differently, and sometimes I need this release of life's joy's. Hope you don't get offended.

Colleen- Are you still having trouble finding the friends on FB? I also wish I were more computer literate. Don't know how I managed to open it in the first place, especially at that time.

Trudi- The "Lamingtons" sound so yummy! Is it more a butter pound cake or sponge cake? I'm not big on sweets but I could scarf down a warm piece of butter pound cake any day. Applebee's restaurant serves a scrumptious desert called a "blondie". They bring it out on a sizzling platter with a big ol' chunk of vanilla ice cream on top. Uuumm, uuumm good!

Rosie- I hope you are feeling PEACE, LOVE & EMOTIONAL SUPPORT TODAY! I am thinking of you.

Betsy- Please feel better soon! I too ache with the choices that we will have to make one day soon. I fear them so. We had planned on moving before Bj left us, I had even mentioned this to him, but now I don't know what to do. Can I take not seeing where he grew up, not seeing his old haunts, his school, his grave. Maybe we should just stay, it's a perfect little town to raise children. I'm hoping, in time, the answers will come for us both.

Claudia- You mentioned Joey's FB page was still ongoing but his privacy settings were too high for you to see it. Possibly one of his good friends would allow you their password & email so you could go into his page & print his pages(wall & info). Then they could always change their email afterwords. Just a suggestion! You also mentioned the stepmom having issues competing with Bj. Not really sure who she thinks she's competing with, me or Bj. She's done a lot of strange things, like taking Bj's diploma from him the night he graduated. I know her well now, she uses Bj's father as her excuse but he would never have the nerve to do these things without at least talking to me. He's basically her failsafe.

Kathy- Apparently "respect" is not in her nature. Yet, you let someone do this to her child & see what she thinks. Ironic is her justifications! Smack down indeed!

Lorri- How is Amanda doing?

Pam- YES, miracles do happen! The Saints have made history and Kenny is smiling.

Mary Ann- I am sorry you had to shut Brian's FB account, especially because of the crazy girlfriend. I know you miss him and hope that some sense of peace will find you soon.

Carol- For me telling my son's story & my feelings is a release, just to know that I'm not alone in all this, that there are others feeling exactly what i feel & have felt before. Some days the words pour out and others I just want to read. My emotions are so moody, from one moment to the next.

Susannah- So glad for you, that the guilty charge came about & that her face is out there. I love justice!

Sherry & Betty- Thank you both for your kindness & support in all this baby, mama drama. During times as these it's so uncalled for, so unnecessary.

Greg- I am very interested in the Bereaved Parents Of America gathering. Will this be held in Arkansas? If, so this is close enough for me to come.

Marcia- Thank you for always being there, you are more special than you realize!

Been meaning to make this post for several days now. Just takes me some time to get everyone's messages read & answered. My mind...uuhh!

Deneace (BjsMom)

[lolynbo]

Lorri- How is Amanda doing?

SHE SEEMS WELL  ..SHE THINKS SHES LOSN IT CUZ SHE SEES ANGELS..AND TRANSPARENT CHILDREN AND CAN HEAR THEM CHATTER...

LAST NIGHT SHE SAID KOURTNEY CAME TO VISIT JUST HEARD HER VOICE...KOURTNEY TOLD HER TO STAY STRONG , AND THAT AMANDA CLD HANDLE ANYTHING...AND FOR ME TO NOT TO TRY SO HARD THAT SHE IS OK AND TO HOLD ON TO THE MEMORIES (THATS ALL I HAVE /WE HAVE).

KOURTNEY TOLD HER TO TELL ME TO BE HAPPY AND TO ENJOY WATCHING KODY GROW UP AND TO SEE HER IN HIM..AND TO ENJOY THE TIME I HAVE HERE..

  WOW....

SO HOW DO I NOT TRY TO HARD???? AS CLOSE AS HER AND I ARE??????

[briansdad]

[user=26371]bjsmom[/user] wrote:

Greg- I am very interested in the Bereaved Parents Of America gathering. Will this be held in Arkansas? If, so this is close enough for me to come.

Yep,

Little Rock

[mikesmum]

[user=27668]mysonrich[/user] wrote:

My heart hurts. When I think about an opportunity that has been presented and the choice of a move closer to Sarah, friends, family..my heart actually,physically  aches. There will be no Rich. No Rich to meet at regional rail train for a birthday dinner. No car stereo blaring from  a mile away. No Rich just stopping in. this is a road I think Sarah, her and Rich's dad and Rich's g/f have traveled, the familiar with Rich gone. I don't know if i will survive, really.

Betsy - It seems crazy, like we are leaving them, yet those familiar things about them are no longer with us.  When I drive to the river I pass the house where he died.  His car is still in the driveway.  I see that car there I catch my breath and feel my heart thump in my chest.  He's not there though. 

Survive is what we do as hard and as painful as it is.  It the missing, the gone that gives us the most grief.

"No weekend call from Mike asking 'what you doing.....talking to you my son'.

Dee - The BP weekend is July 9-11, 2010.  Not sure but I hope this doesn't clash with Erifest. 

Greg - Would you be the unoffical keeper of  a 'possible' BI gathering aimed at Little Rock?  

There was so much strength and friendships forged from MN that I feel Little Rock has the same potential for many here.

Back from doggie walk, house cleaning in preparation for our intrepid trek across this land in March!

Peace Mungbeans Out - Trudi

[4everjoeysmom]

Deneace, All of Joey's close friends have pretty much deleted themselves from his friend line-up. I guess it;s just too much a painful reminder for them too that life goes on, yet their time with him is frozen back to 2006. Most are grad-school grads now and are marrying and/or with kids. I don't think there is anything there on Joey's account that I need. he was fairly new to FB and didn't use it much. I think friends posted to him, but he rarely posted anything--from what his brother said back when Joey died. My surviving son took the only photo that was on his account and sent it to me.

Yeah, I think the ole step-mom is "competing with a ghost", for lack of a better way to say the old expression. SHe's still jealous of BJ, so it seems. It must be quite sad and lonely to be THAT insecure... I'm glad you're getting over that hump, as painful as it was. xoxoxo

[summergirl]

Sue - thanks for the info on EMDR...I was excited when I read your post...I think it is something I need to look into....I have a fear of flying which I thought I had overcome when Tavian and I flew but I am anxious already just thinking of flying to Little Rock, also, I think it would help me with my "holding on to letting go" of my son and his problems...thanks again.

I have not cried one tear for Jessica or anything else in quite some time, at times it bothers me alot and other times I know the meltdown is coming...maybe holding onto some sense of stability as February draws closer.  When I read of all the tears being shed I wonder if there is something wrong with me ... there is not, I know the time will come as it has so many times in the past 3 years.     One of Jessica's dear friends called me today to ask me to forgive her...I was at first shocked to say the least as I had no idea what she was talking about...she lives in Maryland and had just had her 2nd child a month before Jessica left us and she was not able to come to the funeral....she was asking my forgiveness...I told her there was nothing to forgive her for, Jessica did not need her to be there to know that she loved her, also maybe she was not meant to be there for whatever reason, that maybe it would have been to much for her. She cried alot and thanked me for understanding, I did not cry.....

Today I am thankful for finding a picture of my beautiful Jessica that I did not know I had...it brougt back many memeories of beach days....I did not cry.

Love and peaceful dreams to all. Kathy

[mikesmum]

You maybe onto something Claudia.  Amanda had all Mikes pics.  We gave them to him months before he died.  He was going to scan them and give the originals back. After he died she decided to keep the originals.  Something about being unable to scan pics.

She did photocopy them and send them to Mike  bio dad.  It was something she knew would hurt me deeply. 

I have attached a sample of how she 'complied them'.  I guess it was gone to save paper?!

I crop them and make individual pics.  The quality isn't great but hey.

We were allocated one thing for Mikes service.  Design the bookmark.

I believe with all my heart that loves leaves the memory - no one can take that away.

[bjsmom]

Hello All, busy night & I'm exhausted. Good News, Bj's Facebook page has been memorialized. No one's a winner here though, as his page was pretty much all edited and now only the post's are visible. His favorite songs, his personal info, groups & quotes are all gone. The great news is that "she" no longer has control and cannot threaten to close his account ever again. Why does someone always have to mess up a great thing?

Well, things are about to start rolling. Depositions are set for February and I finally get the chance to sit down face to face with the police officer that hit Bj's car. I have been firm in this decision since the beginning, I want to see him. Now that the time is drawing near, I feel a slight tinge of something unrecognizable overcoming me; fear, excitement, anger, madness, I don't really know. I'm trying so hard to keep my spirit's up. All my wonderful friends here on BI & FB are truly a blessing to my soul.

Thank you again Dan!!!! :dude:

Dee- Have you seen the doctor yet about your arm? I hope it's getting better.

Deneace (BjsMom)

[briansdad]

Greg - Would you be the unoffical keeper of  a 'possible' BI gathering aimed at Little Rock?  

There was so much strength and friendships forged from MN that I feel Little Rock has the same potential for many here.

It would be my pleasure

Greg

[ericasmom]

Deneace, I am actually healing, my arm gets really pained at the day's end, so I lay off. It seems pretty strong during the better part of theday. So I am watching for a steady increase. If it does not continue to heal, I will see the doc. Thanks.

I am glad/ excited for you in the deposition process. I like the way you said you feel something unrecognizable in you. We went through the deposition process years ago, and it is something that is very different than anything I had ever done. It was difficult but it also meant that things were moving forward in between continuances adn other stall tactics. It can be very emotional too, so be prepared with extra water, and take a vitamin C or two in the days leading up as they help your body build your immune system. We all have suffered a big shock when Our Kids Die, so our immune system takes a beating. Try to treat it well.  Glad about the FB. SOmetimes those fights we take on are big steps to standing up where our Child cannot. You make your Son proud.

dee

Kathy, not crying is just a new phase for you. Your body and mind are coping at a new level, one day you will cry deeply again but this is what many of us do. We begin to have days then weeks without tears. It does not mean we aren't missing our Child like crazy, it means that we are finding ourselves living with a bit more energy adn perhaps hope.

Love you,

dee

[mikesmum]

[user=10710]briansdad[/user] wrote:

Greg - Would you be the unoffical keeper of  a 'possible' BI gathering aimed at Little Rock?  

There was so much strength and friendships forged from MN that I feel Little Rock has the same potential for many here.

It would be my pleasure

Greg

Okay Indigos there is the challenge.  Little Rock in July!  We have a date and place so how about coming together.   Let Greg know either in PM or on this board.  Thanks Greg.

We might want to start thinking more about our Video - space between our breaths.  Something we could bring to Little Rock.

I think we have much to offer as a collective of individuals (I know it's like an oxymoron).  I also know that seeing Bonnie, Carol, Dee, Marcia and Colleen  was like coming home to family - no not the dumbass kind, the kind that got it without a word spoken.

Be aware, meeting me can be quite shocking.  Colleen opened the door to me and immediately locked herself out......the accent I think?

Take Care - Trudi

 

[Guest]

Good luck, BJ's mom!  I hope the confrontation will help put some things to rest for you.  Or, at least, answer some questions.  Sending hugs and light!

Little Rock!  I cannot commit to being there.  I can say I want to be there.  But, I may not know if I can make it for a few months yet.  Do you need a definite yes or no by a certain date?

I can't cry either Kathy.  It's the weirdest thing.  Well, maybe not because I've never been a crier.  I FEEL the tears, they just don't fall.  Childhood training.  The first few months after the accident, though, I cried everyday...all day, without embarrassment.  In some ways it feels like I'm just all dried up. 

I hope your arm is better, Dee. 

Is that a fist in the air on the angel picture of Kourtney, Lorri?  Victory!!  Is that what Amanda saw?

I wrote a post and deleted it yesterday.  My son is very mad at me for expecting him to be more responsible with money he owes us.  Rent.  He threw Stephanie in my face.  I am still very angry with him for that.  And, hurt.  I just want him to grow up!  We won't evict him because of his wife and small babies.  But, right now, I'm thinking I could do it anyway.

Just venting.

Thanks,  Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[bjsmom]

Trudi- Over the months I have heard you mention this Amanda and my heart aches for what she has tried to take from you, only because she could. You are so right, love leaves a memory that no other can take away. Whether it be a petty girlfriend, an ex, a spouse or a stepmom, the pain that they inflict all feels the same. Many, many times I have thanked the heavens that Bj was not married & actually not dating anyone serious when he passed. Also, even though a child from him would have been my greatest joy, the thought of the mother of that child keeping his/her baby from me would be heartbreaking all over again. I don't understand why some people try to take away from us what they know they have no right. Possibly because they realize they will never have what we will & have always had; our sons greatest love & devotion. What an amazing knowledge! Peace to you Trudi!

Dee- Wow, you are so right about our immune systems running down. In my lifetime I have rarely been sick. Never once been in the hospital for anything other than having my children. But, in the last year I have had more colds than in my lifetime combined, or nearly. I can almost feel my body running down, just haven't cared. I have a firm dislike for medicine or taking pills. I am very much a natural healer and love natural remedies. That's not to say medicine is not right, just not right for my body. Many have suggested that I take anti-depressants, but I don't want to NOT feel what I know is only normal. I don't want my mind foggy or hazy and when I start feeling better my body will let me know. My mother raised me on vitamins and my immune system has served me well. Bj was the same and rarely got sick, only going to the hospital once with a fractured ankle (skateboard accident). I believe though I need to get on some form of daily vitamins. I am getting older & I feel the aches that come with time. Lately, my muscles have started cramping. I can sit up or move quickly and my muscles in my back & stomach involuntarily cramp up for no reason. Maybe calcium?

Deneace (BjsMom)

[briansdad]

[user=39355]msnher[/user] wrote:

Little Rock!  I cannot commit to being there.  I can say I want to be there.  But, I may not know if I can make it for a few months yet.  Do you need a definite yes or no by a certain date?

Susannah,

We don't need any kind of commitment.The Gathering will happen no matter what.

If you want to wait until the last minute and can still get a room we would love to see you.So please don't stress about an answer.

Greg

[lolynbo]

THIS IS ANOTHER ANGEL AMANDA SAW..SHE ASKED HER IF SHE COULD HELP HER BUT THE ANGEL DIDNT ANSWER SHE WAS JUST SAD:(..(THE ANGEL WAS)...HOPE IT POSTS

[ericasmom]

Deneace, I like natural as well, actually my vitamins are from the chiropractor I see who is also a homeopathic doctor. I do use meds when I need but try natural first. I take three vitamin c's a day usually, when I don't i get sick working with so many kids. I take a Bcomplex after lunch to help convert food to energy, and I take lysene to offset any cold sores. I never went on anti-depressants either, but if I needed them I would have considered them. I sometimes take a natural sleep aid called Formula 303, which basically is a larger dose of Valerian Root and Passaflora Flower. I drink Sleepytime Tea which helps as well possessing the same flora.

Take good care of you, oh the cramping, calcium and magnesum.

Lorri, Amanda is a great interpreter of Angels. Why is the angel sad?

[shorty16]

Fellow Indigos

You will never guess what I did last night.  I talked on facebook with 2 other people at the same time.  I talked to Trudi, Marcia, Lorri, Deneace (how were the fajitas?), Bonnie and asked for many more friends.

It took about an hour, but I finally figured out how to work that website.

I log in under Brian Jackson.  I had created this acct in a daze shortly after Brian was killed.  Thinking I would do great things with it - never had the strength until now.

The picture on the acct is my favorite.  All 3 kids and Jake @ a Brewers game.  I asked them all to smile, All did, but my Brian.  Gave me this straight face.  I was laughing.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Deneace,

Every time I went to court or had to deal with a court issue, I would imagine all the angel's on BI surrounding me. 

When I was speaking in the courtroom concerning the life that was taken, I imagined Brian, Bethany, Jason, BJ, Mike, Mike, Erica, Kourtney, Danielle, Nick, Brian, (and others) had their hands on my shoulders.

I know they were there (because their Mom's & Dad's told them to).

Love Colleen

 

[daveydow1]

Claudia---You are so right---employers give new mothers 6 wk. to adjust

to a new baby's birth (rightly so), but expect people who have lost a child to

just somehow "snap back" into the workplace routine as if nothing has changed

in their lives. I was pressured to come back to work 3 wk. after Davey's death---

big mistake. Couldn't hold it together, and I left the job. Oh, your dream of Joey

on the tracks, and Jesus coming to take him home was so inspiring, and I can

see how it brought you such peace & comfort.

Rosie----People in the workplace rarely understand what you are going through

after the loss of a beloved child (unless, of course, they themselves have had the

same thing happen to them). This is why this BI site is a lifeline for we who have had

 this devastation. There is no way to over-state the pain & sorrow. Glad you are

coming back to BI when you can. We are here for you.

Deneace----You mentioned going back to work 3-4 wks. after the death of your

sweet BJ.  Yep---people don't get it, and just deny, in a way, that it ever happened.

I too quit my job after awhile. It got to be too much----keeping a "happy" face,

and fighting off the tears. I liked the job, but just never looked back. I know that

this is not an option for many people, and my heart aches for those who must

"soldier on".  Good to see BJ's nice smile.  Peace, friend.

MaryAnn---Sorry to hear you are having a rough time of it.  Hope your sweet

memories of Brian will help you to feel a bit better. Take care.

Dee---Glad your arm is improving, but hope it is better soon.

             Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

   PEACE & COMFORT TO EVERYONE HERE IN THE BI FAMILY.

  

[briansdad]

You kind of wonder how much a person can take.

http://sports.yahoo.com/golf/blog/devil_ball_golf/post/Further-tragedy-strikes-the-family-of-golfer-Ken?urn=golf,215853

[hotsauce]

hi EVERYONE,

LORRI, your friend AMANDA has a great talent for drawing,  My BRIAN was just like that.  he would always draw his dogs,

 they seem to know when to sit for him just right.

hope this day was good to EVERYONE, and the night only gets better.

 

BETSY,  have you heard anything about GEGE?

 

mary ann                                                                                                                        

BRIAN's MOMDUKES

[hotsauce]

what is happening?  all our young adults dying.

[andrewsmother]

Lorri...I've been reading your posts about the angels and Amanda.  Is Amanda another one of  your children?  Does she have visions or are they dreams?  Sorry...since I'm new here I'm trying to piece together the posts to get the full story. 

I clicked the link on Ken Green...Lord...what that man must be going through right now?  How much can one person take? 

Still in training in Tampa, I miss my little guy back home andof course it goes without saying I miss my big guy in heaven.  My son Chris has changed so much since his brother's death, poor little guy...he is so worried about me...he is just another person, I love him so much!

Since Andrew's death I just feel this incredible love for my family, nothing else matters at this point.

My connection with Andrew seems to be getting stronger...I feel him sending me messages, I know he's still with me.

I would love to hear about the connections you all feel with your children? 

Gotta get back to class...my break is over.

Can't wait to go home tomorrow.  I miss my kid, my dogs my house!

 

[ericasmom]

Greg, so sad about Ken Green the golfer. I am sorry that he now is dealing with the kind of grief that will cause him so very much pain. Sadness.

Deneace, glad that you are feeling BJ more often. He is with you and finding ways to let you know. Cool. Enjoy getting back home.

Col, glad that you have made connections with so many on FB.

going to leave school and get to the gym. See ya all later.

dee

[shorty16]

Andrewsmother,

I do not hear, feel anything from Brian.  That does not mean he is not sending it and saying "Come on Mom, get it together."

Amanda is Lorri's friend.  If I remember correctly, she underwent surgery and died during it, but came back.  Since then, she is "connecting".

I would love to talk with Amanda.  Even though it will not change the fact that my 16 year old son is dead - that is the hardest.

Colleen

[lolynbo]

Lorri...I've been reading your posts about the angels and Amanda.  Is Amanda another one of  your children?  Does she have visions or are they dreams?  Sorry...since I'm new here I'm trying to piece together the posts to get the full story. 

AMANDA IS A LOCAL GIRL THAT HAS A TUMOR...BUT SEEMS TO BE DOING WELL AND THE TUMOR ISNT GROWN AND SHOULDNT GROW AGAIN....SHE SEES ANGELS HER FIRST ONE WAS KOURTNEY AND THE 2ND WAS THE SAD ONE...SHE FEELS THE SAD ONE IS REACH HER HANDSS TO HELP SOMEONE BUT THAT SOMEONE DONT OR DOSNT NO THEY NEED HELP...

HAD A MOST INTERESTN DAY TODAY AT KOURTNEYS KLOSET...AMANDA WAS THERE AND "SO WAS KOURTNEY"...I FELT HER....AND AMANDA STARTED SAYN.."I NEED PAPER AND PEN .HURRY....SHE STARTED WRITTING..LIKE A LIL KID ..IT SAID:

NEED PEACE......NO.....TRY HARD TO...(FOR ME IM TRYING TO HARD TO FIND PEACE AND SEE KOURTNEY).....REMEMBER FUN,LAUGH,AND LOOK AT KODY I AM IN HIM MAKING YOU LAUGH.....(AMANDA DIDNT NO KODY WAS SPELT WITH "K").....FUN GOING LIKE MOMMA? AND ME MOMMA? (IV ALWASY SAID WHEN KOURTNEY WOULD SAY MOMMA, SHE SAID IT AS IF I WAS IN TROUBLE OR WITH A QUESTION ON THE END) YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN.....(AT THIS TIME MY CELL RANG AND IT WAS KIMBELRY I WENT INTO THE HALL)...NO WORRIES KIMBERLY THINGS WORK OUT FOR BEST......HIT THE ROAD....KIMBELRY I LOVE YOU....(HER AND CODY ARGUEING AGAIN KOURTNEY SAID FOR KIMBERLY TO GET RID OF HIM)...LARRY SAYS RELAX (MY BROTHER THAT PASSED AMANDA DIDNT NO THIS)...LOVE ALL....LAUGH BABY (KOURTNEY SUE SHE MAKES HER LAUGH)......LIVE ON!

EVERYTHING IN RED IS WHAT AMANDA WROTE DOWN THAT KOURTNEY HAD TOLD HER..

BUT EARLIER AMANDA WAS SITTING TALKN WITH MOM AND I AND THE LIGHTS FLICKERED EVERTIME WE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT KOURTNEY...AND AMANDA HAD HER BACK TO THE DOOR AND HER HEAD JERKED BACK AND SHE HOLLARD...SOME ONE PULLED MY HAIR....THEN SHE STOOD UP AND MOVED TO THE CLOTHES RACK AND SHE SAID SHE HEARD A MANS VOICE SAY "GET OUT"...NOW WHERE WE HAVE KOURTNEYS KLOSET IS IN THE BASEMENT OF A BANK..BUT IN THE 30"S IT WAS A HOTEL AND A SPEAKEASY..IT HAS UNDERGROUND TUNNELS AND YOU CAN SEE BULLET HOLES IN THE WALLS STILL (IN THE TUNNELS)..SO I DONT THINK WE ARE ALONE IN THERE..MY DOG PRINCESS CAME ONCE AND CRIED AND CRIED SHE DIDNT LIKE IT..

KOURTNEY ALSO SAID "WEDDING , SHOPPING,,,DRESS"...I THINK SHE WANTS US TO GO TO BRENT S WEDDING...I TOLD AMANDA WE COULDNT DO IT ...SHE SAID SHE HEARD KOURTNEY SAY "STUBBORN"...

AND HOW WAS YOUR DAY....

[shorty16]

WOW Lorri, I love the story's about your Kourtney. 

Thank you for sharing with us. 

We are still trying to connect on Facebook.

Love you guys

Colleen

[nicksdad]

I remember reading about Ken Green before and thinking "geee that is alot to deal with"....and now this. Sort of makes you think how much can one person take/handle....

I see everyone is doing Facebook so i've tried to add some people problem is I think i'm just requesting the wrong people   Oh well i'll get it right....

 

 

 

[daveydow1]

Rosie--Yes, your beloved son, Andrew is with you. Remember---in heaven,

there is NO TIME, and NO DISTANCE. Our angels are not constrained by

these things, as we are here on earth. They are with us always & forever---

until we meet again. Peace to you, friend.

Lorri---Love the stories about your dear sweet Kourtney.

          Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry 

[summergirl]

Greg - how true, how much can one take???  Thanks for the info on the reunion, I am glad we do not have to "commit" right away as I know some people need more time.

Lorrie - amazaing what Amanda can draw and hear.....it is not scarey to me at all, just wonderful. Does it bother Amanda???   Your Kourtney is really talking to you, that is just way cool - maybe if I send her a pic of my Jessica she can tell me something about her ???? just a thought.  Are you a "stubborn" girl as your Kourtney says???

Dee - thank you, yes I do believe I am in a new phase/new level...however it kind of scares me and at the same time I feel peace.  The not crying is ok, this I know but when they do come I cannot seem to stop the flow.  I went to the cemetery today as I needed to talk to Jessica  (not good with my son again) and the next thing I knew I was out of the car and on my knees in front of her stone with the tears falling like a gusher, yelling out loud that "I want my baby back home"....when I was finally drained I felt so much better, knowing my Jessica hears me and the pain was once again released from my body and heart with the tears.....I am suffering once again with my son but I CANNOT AND WILLNOT let myself be drawn backwards....why can he just not find his way ????  You know what I am NOT even going to talk about it.

I am so excited about the Little Rock reunion and I am hoping that all who can come will be there....I want so much to meet you all.....need to start saving those pennies.

Trudi - I am going to love your accent, I have heard you on the phone that one time and I promise you will not scare me......

Amanda - how is that precious little one doing ? Am looking forward to more pics of him and your family soon.   Watch the mail as I sent you a box for Ashton.

I am very tired tonight, a cry-fest can do that to a body.  I have read all the posts and am sorry that I cannot answer each one but I think of each of you here and I look at each of our angels pics and bless them.

Peaceful sleep and sweet dreams. Kathy

[shorty16]

Fellow Indigos

Just wanted to let you know AJ won his wrestling match in overtime.

Score was 8-7.  It was so exciting.

After JV was finished, we left.  Got home, got a call AJ was sick and we had to come pick him up.  Scott left right away. 

Hope he is ok

Colleen

[ericasmom]

Whoooo-hoo Col, a big win, congrats and happy days to AJ, to you all.

Very sleepy tonight, so don't know if I will be back this evening. Love and hugs.

Kathy, I am so sad for you as your heart aches for your Son's fall backward. You are right though, it cannot take you backward, you have climbed and worked your way to the surface, you have your Tavian in tow, Barry too has worked hard, and it does not mean that your Son has not worked hard, it might simply and sadly mean, that the addiction is way stronger than his ability to fight it. I so wish he could, I will pray and pray that he somehow is able to do this.

Peace,

dee

[mysonrich]

MaryAnn, GeGe is home. Her dad writes " Medicine at8am, 2pm,6pm,8pm and 10pm

That's the every day meds then 3 others when needed. Plus chemo once a week."Thank you for asking

Betty, thank you.

 

Claudia. I read you post as I have for almost a year now. I understand what you went through and continue to live though my journey not as difficult insofar as creature comforts. I will remember your words. Thanks

 

 

Currently digesting a conversation I just had with my daughter. she is applying for teaching positions in Europe. She always talked about this, before Rich died. She has her dreams. She has heard back from a couple , one impractical in Latvia. I had to Google it. Well, I told her she can't go alone, I;m going too.  thinking.....she thinks I'm kidding

 

 

Thinking of you all..angels, dreams, court, son's, golf...have a goodnight

 

Betsy, myson, Rich

 

GeGe

 

 

[shellbellsmom]

Kathy stay strong with your son...and keep praying he finds his way soon and EMDR did wonders for my fear of flying...just make sure you have a good therapist who has done  it for a while and knows how to do it correctly.  Colleen, Yeah for AJ.  Dan I locate people on FB by email address- seems to find them easier.

Betsy, what type of leukemia does little Gee Gee have?  Is there a Carepage for her?  Lorrie, Amanda has a great gift....you are a good friend to support her so. 

I am hoping to make a road trip in July for the BI reunion if I can.  My mother-n-law might possibly be visiting then as she has a class reunion in MI, but that might change.  I thought I could talk my hubby into going on a little vacation with me.  I love Memphis and he has never gone..and he has always wanted to go to St. Louis to see the Busch/Budweiser headquarters so we could make a trip out of it...its 12 1/2 hours from my house.  So a few stops on the way would be great.  I can't confirm yet, but will keep it open.  He however will not want to participate in any programs though.  He doesn't like to talk about our loss as it hurts too much and deals with it by keeping himself busy with work.  I would love to meet everyone, even the lady who talks funny.  

Wishing everyone peace.  Sue (Michelle's mom)

[nicksdad]

Colleen.....Tell AJ congrats that is super and I bet a great match by the score of it.

[Guest]

So sad for Ken Green!

Lorri - Love the messages Kourtney is sending Amanda!  Wow!

Oh, little baby GeGe!!  My heart breaks!  If there is a God, I don't understand His/Her ways!!!

Kathy - Sorry about your son (again).  I SO get it! 

I had a good cry today.  It was long overdo. 

It was also a busy day, today.  I balanced my checkbook.  Or, rather, didn't balance my checkbook.    Fortunately, the bank says we have more money than we do...but, I'll find my error.  I'm pretty anal about balancing to the penney.

I also wrote everyone's birthdays on 2010's calendar.  My heart stopped when I got to Stephanie's birthday.  When I wrote the anniversary of her death, the tears came again. 

I haven't felt her in a while.  No signs.  No messages.  No manifestations.  We had so many right after she died, I hoped they would just keep coming.  I feel as if she's onto other things, now.  I hope not.  We need her.

The early one's were so strong.  I wonder why they aren't enough to keep my faith strong.  I wonder why I feel so sad, knowing she's not really gone. 

I have a bad attitude tonight.  I just hate this life.  There's too much heartache.

I wrote the dates for the get together in Little Rock.  Gary said I could go.  He told me to wait to buy the airline ticket, though.  He knows me so well, he knows I might change my mind.  It's scary to me.  I would love to just isolate.

Sorry to be such a downer.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Going to bed but must say that I will pray for the beautiful Ge-Ge. She is gorgeous.

I also must say that Sus, I don't find you a downer at all, so there. And if you feel you are, well, let's see the timeline of what you are traveling. Oh there might be astrong reason as to why you feel so.

Latvia? Heck, your Girl may travel the world as a teacher, what fun. You can be her mentor.

Love ya all,

dee

[mikesmum]

Lorri - 'a gift' perhaps that Amanda now has given her past medical problems?  Msg from Kourtney sounds on the money.  The angels the msgs - a gift.

Only had one experience that froze me to the core like that.  Walking thru a Mind Body and Spirit expo after Mike died we decided to go to the back of the hall for something to eat.  As we passed this young woman who was offering massage and tarot she said 'there is a young man that wants me to talk to you'.  I sat down and she began.  She told me the man was called Micheal. 

He wanted me to know was 'she had nothing to do with his dying' (at the time I was sure his partner had been involved in his death somehow). 

She took a chain with a crystal on the end and it began to spin.  She began to go through the day of 18th Jan.  It spun slower around 9am.  It stopped completely when she got to 10.40am.  (the time Mike was pronounced).  There was so much she knew that she couldn't have guessed.  She described Mike (not hard, we are similar in colouring) but then she spoke of Harmony.  All together we sat for over an hour.  At the end she thanked me for letting her read for me....I offered payment, she said it was her pleasure. 

Today has been shifts of grandies.  Em and Caleb today while mum finishes 'homework' for nursing exams.  Zak and Jeya tonight so mum and dad can have some 'freetime'.

I caught up with Melissa this afternoon.  She told me about one of her patients named Sandy.  A breast cancer patient she had attended the Breast Clinic around 1996.  She talked about this lady who had made going through the diagnosis & treatments easier with her humour and genuine empathy.  She said her name was "Trudi".  Melissa told her Trudi was her mum.  Tears filled my eyes.  Dont know why.  It was so long ago.

Jeya is here and for the millionth time I am watching IceAge so granmas meltdown will be held off till 2.05pm tomorrow...

For those contemplating Little Rock - It is hard to make the transition from online connection from the comfort zone we all hang onto.  All I can say is those who came last year took one heck of a leap of faith.  Some overcame the fear of flying, others the distance driving controlling 'the beast',  and the fear of the unknown.   I can honestly say, being the first one in MN any apprehension melted in the first seconds.

Colleen knew me just by knowing Mikes face.  Carol same.  Bonnie, just Jay all over.  Dee, Tinks mum, as I pictured her.  Marcia, the den mother, sorority sister who held late night vigils in her room so we could work on our collage.  We shared much and overcame many fears those nights..........

[ericasmom]

Trudi speaks the same words I would speak about the gathering we shared last summer. My worries shed away as soon as I saw Carol, Trudi, Bon, Marcia, and Colleen.

good morning all