Loss of an Adult Child

[shorty16]

WoW Indigos

I will also say their name

Micheal and Rich

I hope I spelled Micheal correct, is that the down-under spelling?  I remember you saying something about that in MN.

Rich's Mom - So sorry about the Pastor.  Such a small request would have meant so much. 

Lossing a child is a loss that extends past time, place, or thing.  It is our past, but is everday of our future. 

Colleen

[mikesmum]

[user=27668]mysonrich[/user] wrote:

Dan, thank you so much ! Rich's colors!   Funny how I never saw the similarities in the two photos before. side by side, I do now.

 

Bonnie, I do know that commercial.:-)

 

thank you all. Its raining now so a delay in my plans. ((((hugs)))))))))

Betsy - Same here.  Rained all day, heavy soaking rain with little let up.  So no balloons. 

My third angelversary - I woke up crying, just as I did those first months.  Uncontrollable sobs.  I opened BI and there was the love support and understanding I have come to know.  Then I saw the image Dan had posted.  I lost it.  The pictures he chose from all I have ever posted captured the boy perfectly.

I went back to bed and slept another 3hrs.  

As for Micheals name.  Yes it is spelt MichEAl.  When I was growing up we had neighbours  Her name was Jean. She was a nurse. Her husband suffered with extreme rheumatoid arthritis.  They couldn't have children.  They adopted a boy named Micheal.  Dark haired brown eyed., a daughter Jody with silver blonde hair and blue eyes. 

Jean was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1973 and died soon after.  My Micheal is named after her son.

Greg - I get the feeling that this new business venture brings light and love to you. The name says it all - Brian being the driving force I'm sure.

Bonnie - A girl...I hope she takes the love and nurturing you give and builds her future from it. 

Dee - You give so much.  I too love the stories of the walks, your passion for teaching and of course the connection to all things.

Carol - Two Michael, Micheals most definitely together.  Thank you my friend.

To all who thought of Micheal yesterday I thank you.... Seeing his name, knowing you all get it does make the trip to the abyss short.

Still quite fatigued today.  I am babysitting Stevens "pup" while they sort their home purchase out....will post pictures when I can.

Love peace and orbs..........Trudi

 

[mikesmum]

This was a song I think Greg posted way back.  Micheal - you are dancing with the angels and I'm sure you are probably doing some awesome musical arrangements......

Memories surround me

But sadness has found me

I'd do anything for more time

Never before has someone meant more

And I can't get you out of my mind

There is so much that I don't understand

But I know

Chorus:

You're dancing with the angels

Walking in new life

You're dancing with the angels

Heaven fills your eyes

Now that you're dancing with the angels

You had love for your family

Love for all people

Love for the Father, and Son

Your heart will be heard

In your unspoken words

Through generations to come

There is so much that I don't understand

But I know

Chorus

Bridge:

We're only here for such a short time

So I'm gonna stand up

Shout out

And sing Hallelujah

One day I'll see you again

[daveydow1]

Greg----Love the name for your new business.......ANGEL IMAGES.  I'm sure

All our BI angels are cheering from up above.

Betty----Thanks for your kind words....the things you write are always so

comforting. Peace to you.

Trudi----Such a beautiful song with such meaningful words. Thanks.

Dee--- Telling us of your walk in nature to feed the deer, and hearing the

woodpeckers is so uplifting.....almost like we were there with you too. I

think I will be seeing lots of deer whenever I get moved since it is surrounded

by woods and farm fields where deer can forage for food.

Susannah-----I agree with Dee......you do have a lovely, gentle way with words.

      Peace & Tranquility to ALL here at BI.  

[summergirl]

Hello Indigo's - ANOTHER day of doing nothing...back to work tomorrow. They say that today is the "bluest day" amongst all days...a day when people in the world feel sad and depressed...never heard that before, just something someone said.

I am not into posting tonight, just wanted to read and say hello and thinking of you all, as always.

Greg - I am so very happy for you, you sound thrilled at this new adventure and I for one am blessed to know you.

Any more thoughts on the reunion??

Peace and love, Kathy

[mikesmomrs]

Greg:  sounds like a go for you...let us know when you have a "brochure" or whatever you are planning to outline your product.  I know that Brian is right there with you on this.

Susannah:  I agree---your words are comforting, wise, and straight from the heart...thank you for your input.

Dee:  I love taking those "walks" with you.  If we do wind up with the reunion being in Chicago, you know that you will have to take us on one of those treasured walks of yours...such a wonderful memory that would be!  Thank you for sharing your Friday with your kids with us...beautiful song...beautiful project...beautiful YOU.

Trudi:  I am so glad that our words comforted you and were there for you when you needed them.  Yes, Micheal is definitely "dancing with angels" with joy...

Betsy:  I hope that this day has been kind to you...that you have felt Rich's smile surrounding you, reminding you of his love for you, comforting you. (ps:  I LOVE the male angel!)

I was looking for something on the internet today and came across a segment from a previous Oprah show...it was one of the "Live Your Best Life" segments.  A question came in from a man, Gene, who had recently lost his wife to cancer...the question was "How do I keep the memory of my wife alive."  The advice was pretty much right on with what we all have told each other at one time or another... by living, being happy in your own life, honoring them by living your best life...but one thing that was said that I don't agree completely with was they mentioned not to create a shrine to live in the past, but to carry their love and spirit into the future.  I don't know what they would call a "shrine," but the photo/memento shelf that I have for Mike is something that will always be there...it is something to remind us of his loves, his quirks, his passions...and to help his kids remember, as it is difficult sometimes for children, when they lose a parent in their younger years, to remember that parent...to remember the things about that parent that made them unique, loving, and someone to remember.  I think that we can do both...have that "memento" area--- tangible things that keep us connected, and yet still move forward with their spirit and love and their essence as part of our lives, every day.  I think that each of us does this, in one way or another.  Another thing that was mentioned was the advice to make sure that anyone he enters into a relationship with in the future needs to be someone who will understand that the spirit of his wife will always be with him, and they need to let him carry that with him...that is part of who he is.  I think that applies to our children, also.  They will forever be part of us, no matter how long our future here is.  Words of wisdom...yes, we must be with people who will "let us" bring our memories of our child with us through life, and that is what BI is all about.   One thing that was said struck me the most; it was right at the end of the segment...Oprah asks Gene "and her name is Rene, right?"  "Correct,  Rene," he answers.  Oprah then says:  "Rene."  "I just wanted to speak her name...  speak her name." 

Right on, Oprah, right on...speak their name, speak their name...Mike, Micheal, Rich, Erica, B.J, Avery, Jason, Brian, Brian, and Brian, Michelle (Shellbell), Nick, Adam, Stephanie, JaBoa, Joey, Andrew, Zachy, Kourtney, Stephen, Davey, Avery, Ethan, Nate, Tanner, Rohan, Brayden, Johnny, Bethany, Chris (Kekoa)Danielle, Jessica, Lorri, Charlie, Kayla...I hope that I didn't overlook any precious child that has been posted here...all of our children are in each of our hearts every day, moving forward with us, even if it is only a breath at a time.  

if anyone wants to listen to the segment, the web address is:  (the very first seconds are an annoying ad that has crummy sound, but then the segment plays)

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Keeping-the-Memory-of-a-Lost-Loved-One-Alive-Video/topic/spirit

love and peace,  carol  Mikesmomrs

MIKE  MIKE  MIKE  MIKE  MIKE   MIKE............forever! 

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, I started off early today. The balloons I chose with thoughts of Rich and Mike. They didn't have environmentally friendly balloons so I stayed to a minimum. I drove south- east hoping to find the windmills. It was a nice ride considering my anxiety levels at times. I went to Bear Creek. The Bear Creek dam is shown in one photo. I made a left at the Wyoming Mountain sign. Yes, I am still in Pa. From there the ice started to show on the tree branches, the roads being treated. I took another road through some state game lands and saw a really big dam, "road closed ahead:. Turned around and decided to check out a park I heard about. Closed but I did go for a walk. A little slick and slippery so I turned back.

When I got home I felt sick . This is not Rich's home and I couldn't find a spot I liked for the release. After napping I went outside and decided that since I have spent the last year on the deck and feel close to Rich there, why not just stay here. SO, I let two float away on a prayer. One said "I love you", the other a heart.

Mike's balloon is gold because Dan has a gold cross in Mikes artwork.

Later I will go out and release the rest,one at a time and think of our angels.

The male angel...most are female and though I know he goes by another title, he is an angel to me.

 

Dee, it may have been a Downy Woodpecker but the one I saw had more of an orange patch on the back of his head and he was not all that small.

 

Feeling better now. Think I'll try some food.

 

 

 

[mpsmom]

Betsy, the pictures are absolutley beautiful, I think your idea of releasing the balloons from the deck is a great one.....where ever you are today your son Rich will be right there with you.  Hugs my friend,   Marcia   Bethanys Mom Forever

[mpsmom]

Hi Indigo's ,

I just got off the phone with Bonnie, and wanted to post for her....she is rather busy today... as you know she has a new foster daughter...what a blessing this is for her and Rich.   This morning Rich went in the hospital for a scheduled heart procedure, as a result of tests that were done for the foster parent licensing.

The doctors put in 4 heart stents.  Rich is resting in his own hosptial room now and is doing well.  He is supposed to come home tommorrow.  Bonnie is also doing well and was on her way home to check on her foster daughter. 

Please keep them all in your prayers tonight .....

Love you all, Marcia    Bethanys Mom Forever

[lolynbo]

PRAYING FOR RICH,,,,FOR GREAT RECOVERY..AND SPEEDY RECOVERY.....

KODY BEING SILLY "ELVIS IS IN THE HOUSE"...BROOKE LOOKING CUTE..

NOTICE THE ORB BY BROOKES FOOT

[ericasmom]

I see the orb Lorri, and your Son looks like he is a funny man. They are so cute together.

Betsy, I love the idea of being on the deck, a perfect spot that brings you to nature and close to Rich. I will look in my bird books, many woodpeckers are larger than one might think. I love your photos, the dam and surrounding area is very pretty. I know you searched for the right place, all roads leading home, which says a lot doesn't it?

Kath, I hope that you are cozy and warm and that tomorrow is a sunny day in which you feel the love all around you.

Carol, I agree, having things and or photos of our Children is not a harmful essence I don't think. I think that for those who can only sit and look at the monument to the Child it becomes a detriment. Living ones best life is the goal, it is what gives our Angels great joy.Thanks for sharing.

Thanks Marcia, you are such a fine earth angel, it is said that those who deliver messages are angels. So you are an angel to us once again. Thanks for letting us know of Rich's procedure.

Rich, get better fast and completely, you are needed and loved.

[hotrod]

Dear Bonnie,  you and your precious husband  Rich are in my prayers.  I will light a candle tonight

 Marcia  Thank you so much for updating us on Bonnie and Rich.  I do hope you are recovering ,  It is great to see Bethany's beautiful face when I sign on  

Betsy Loved the pictures.  I am glad you decided to release the Balloons off the deck of your home .  It is what felt right for you.  We were all there with you saying," Hey  Rich we know all about you and how much your mom loved you and how much you liked Metallica and she liked The Boss.  Smile on her today and every day"

Trudi  I do believe I have spelled Mike's name incorrectly on my posts  so please forgive me.  I do hope today was gentle on your heart and that MUtley and the Grandies were there with hugs. 

Greg  You will have to tell us all about the new project  The name is great!!

Dee love the walk and feeding the deer and Sherry I do hope you will tell us about your experiences witht he wildlife when you move to the "country"

Lorrie  Cute picture and yes the Orb  is right there

Sonya I hope you are still not smoking I just passed my 8 month mark and it has gotten easier.

Good Night Indigos

Betty

Stephen'smom 

[summergirl]

Thank you Marcia for the update on Bonnie and Rich, as Dee said you are the earth Angel that keeps us posted on our beloved freinds.    Please give Bonnie my love and prayers for Rich...

Recieved a call tonight that my uncle Marvin, my father-in-laws brother has but a few days left. I am very close with him and he has had cancer and went through the kemo and all was looking very good so he got the ok to go to Florida where he and his wife spend the winter. Since getting there it has been one problem after another and now there is nothing left to do but wait. I talked to Beth tonight, his wife, and she said he is ready to go, tired of the fight. Please say a prayer for him and family.

Thank you for saying our Angels names...it is so beautiful to see them written and to know that their names are said by one of us every day....am missing my Jessica so much as all of you are missing your angel.....just when I think I am getting stronger I fall down and it takes a long time to get back up.

Love to all, peaceful dreams and sleep.  Kathy

[lostwoher]

 Micheal Mike Micheal

Rich RICH Rich

 

thinking of you and your families. PEACE

Lynn & Angel Kayla

[lostwoher]

 Bonnie, hopefully by the time you get this Rich is back to himself and feeling 100% better. Good luck and many happy memories to be made with your foster girl.

Lorri, looks like Cody and his gf are a perfect match. Such cute pictures of them.

Betsy,I too am dumbfounded by what was said to you during the church service. I hope he came to his sences and realized how wrong that was of him to say.

Perfect name for a great business. Any idea when the opening will be? Im sure you will be receiving requests soon.

My memory just went blank and cant remember what else I wanted to post so forgive me for not responding to you. I just finished my 750 piece puzzle then a co-worker and I went for dinner and margaritas so Im worn out.

Thinking of you all.

Cyber hugs all around

Lynn aka really really really missing my Kayla

[ericasmom]

Lynn, I used to ask the 3 year-olds that I worked with many years ago to fix up the puzzle area...that is because even an 8  piece Fisher Price dumbfounds me. Spatial stuff you know. So cheers to you on the big one you did.

Thanks for saying our Kids names, I love seeing Erica in print, my little pink girl, my little sprite. I love you Daughter adn would not trade you for a million others.

Going to bed grateful for this quiet unplanned day, a meandering day, one to heal some and just let thoughts come as they may.

Sleep like a child who walked up hills all day in order to sled down, that deep sleep that takes you down slowly letting you feel the deep sinking of warmth and the promise of good dreams.

[ericasmom]

http://creagrus.home.montereybay.com/woodpeckers.html

Betsy, do you see any familiar beaks here?

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - as they say OMG!!  Hopefully the love of your life is heading home to be totally spoilt by you.   Good luck with Emily Ann starting school...I love the name, if you didn't already know.  Thinking of you lady, now and always.

Betty - No need to apologise Micheal Michael sounds the same.  It's funny, at primary school in Grade 5 one of his teachers corrected the spelling on his homework with the comment, 'he can't even spell is name right'.  She lives only just.

Betsy - Thank you for Mikes balloon.  Stars...just what I see when I look for him in the nights skys.  I'm glad you are feeling a little better...

Dee - Love the clip.  She has a hauntingly beautiful voice that is enhanced by the lyrics...

Carol - I watched the clip.  It was something I needed to hear.  To remember him I shall take those things that defined Mike, the made him who he was, anchor them in my life and live them to honour his life.  His compassion, his empathy and his willingness to help those in need.  Thank you my friend.

This was a poem I found when looking for the lyrics to the clip Dee posted....In my heart this is how I think of Mike, of angels everywhere.

Perhaps if death is kind, and there can be returning,

We will come back to earth some fragrant night,

And take these lanes to find the sea, and bending

Breathe the same honeysuckle, low and white.

We will come down at night to these resounding beaches

And the long gentle thunder of the sea,

Here for a single hour in the wide starlight

We shall be happy, for the dead are free.

~Sara Teasdale ~

Am babysitting Steve's pup Charley.  She is a Staffy cross.  Looks daunting but really is a Princess!! 

Peace to all here.

[Guest]

"The way may seem long, but it is not one inch too long. Not only am I with you on the journey. I planned the journey."

 

Those were the words waiting for me on my desktop this morning.  

 

I seem to have taken a step backwards.  I'm reading all the posts, but not able to retain the information.  My brain feels like mush.  I haven't been crying for days, but it feels like it.

 

I want to be able to write all our angels names, too, but, I can't seem to remember them all and I don't want to leave anyone out.  It means so much to me when I see my Stephanie's name said along with your angels.

 

The enormity of task of raising our grandchildren is beginning to sink in.  This is the desired outcome we hoped for.  Well.  No.  That's not true.  We had hoped to be able to retire and travel at this stage of our lives.  We had hoped that their parents would become drug free and take responsibility and raise them.  We had hoped Stephanie wouldn't die in the process.

 

I don't mean to sound negative.  That last paragraphs reads as if it was sarcastic and full of bitterness. 

 

The emotion behind the typing of it is tired, sad, inadequate..........scared.

 

Fear never accomplished anything.

 

My thoughts and sleep cycle seems to have become erratic again.  I am having a hard time focusing. 

 

I have responsibilities.  Laundry.  Dishes.  Groceries.  Bills.  children.....and, all I want to do is sleep or sit in the grieving chair, in my blanket typing on my laptop.

 

I may be able to produce a book with all the typing I'm doing.  Only, there is no order to it.  Emotions, experiences, memories resembling Niagara Falls.....flowing, falling, crashing.

 

So much for my 3am rambling.

 

I do think of each of you and your children often through out the day. 

 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Trudi, Chryssy Hynde has the most beautiful and unusual voice patterns in her songs that I have ever heard, just lovely. So glad you liked it and love the poem you found along the way. Gorgeous. The thunder of the sea...that is just for you my ocean loving friend.

Susannah, in the words of my favorite author from my favorite book; Bird by Bird, by Anne Lamott;

When she was growing up adn her big brother put off doing his report on Birds of NOrth America, he was overwhelmed and upset and said in exasperation; How will I ever get it done?" His Dad replied, " bird by bird."

When I feel overwhelmed, I say bird by bird. NO rules saying everything we want or have to do has to get done fast, take it one thing at a time. Including writing the names of our Loves, name by name.

The tears will roll Sweetie, salt and sadness mixed, and then a bit of relief and discovery.

love,

dee

[mysonrich]

Dee, closer to this:

http://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/Northern_Flicker/id

 

Bonnie, thinking of you, Rich and your "daughter" today.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[mikesmomrs]

snowing again, and need to drive to the doctor's for an appt...I like driving in the snow, unless it is slippery.  We'll see.

Bonnie, Rich, holding you both close, with prayers and thoughts for both of you.  Please God, speed Rich's recovery, so that he may be at home, being cared for by his loving wife, and help Emily Ann as she starts down an unknown road, but helped by two wonderful, caring and loving people. 

Dee:  The only "unusual" woodpecker I've ever seen was a huge, huge one that we saw on a tree near our old house.  I found out later it was a Canadian woodpecker....only saw one one time since then, but they are beautiful.  We had one near our house, that we could hear very often, but never caught a glimpse of him.  

Betsy:  Yes, I agree with Dee, "all roads lead to home" and the fact that you let the balloons go from your porch...it sounds as though perhaps that was meant to be, so that you would feel a kinship with Rich in that house...Rich, letting you know that he is with you always, even in this new place. 

Trudi:  I love the poem, the words are just beautiful. 

Susannah:  Sitting there with you, in your grieving chair, holding you close...praying for peace to settle in your mind and your heart...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[Guest]

Good morning - again.

Thank you for the comforting words, Carol and Dee.  Bird by bird.

Keeping Rich in my thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery, Bonnie.  Hoping the transition is going smoothly with Emily Ann. 

I was a mess by the time I was 14.  I had very few functional social skills and a whole lot of dysfunctional ones.  My body was changing, but I lacked the knowledge on how to take care of myself.  I didn't ask, because I didn't know there was anything to ask.  Information wasn't offered because it was assumed a 14 yr old knew the basics.  I learned about deoderant by watching the girls in gymn. 

I hope that is not where your Emily Ann is.....but, just in case.....I thought I'd put it out there.

MICHAEL, MICHEAL, RICH, JASON, ERI, ANDREW, JOBOA, MICHELLE, KOURTNEY, JESSICA, NICK, BRIAN, ZACHY, BETHANY, STEPHEN, AND ALL OUR ANGELS.....

STEPHANIE - STEPHANIE - STEPHANIE

 

[shorty16]

Carol,

Scott and I were just talking about the "Shrine" we have to Brian in our home.  This is not just a shelf, but pictures, memory box, angels, and sculptures, momentos, and more pictures.  On the wall, on a shelf, on the mantle, everywhere.

I do not belive we are living in the past as much as we are trying to enjoy the memory of Brian.  The memory of Brian is huge.  He was so much more than the one day he died, but the 16 years he lived. 

I must admit, though, we do need to tone it down a bit.  Especially in our living room.

Colleen

[ericasmom]

Gotta love the flicker Betsy, so pretty, we have those here on occasion as well. So pretty.

Bon, how is Rich today, and how is Emily Ann?

[heartbeataway]

God love you guys!

Rich is home and resting. I'm on my way to pick up perscriptions.

After stints are put in, they put a "plug" in the artery where the shaft was sent to the heart.  Rich's plug popped and he had a bleed. 

So, his recovery will take a little longer and he's really sore from all the pressure applied to stop the bleeding.

I had Emily at school on time this morning only to find out that it's finals week.  So, she's going to start next Tuesday.

In our life ...... nothing goes as planned!

Yesterday, when I was waiting for Rich, the nurse came in and told me they found something and so it would be a little while. Then she came back and told me that three stints were in and they were working on another blockage.  I did not take that news well.

I suddenly felt so alone. I was sitting in the room in tears looking for kleenex feeling sorry for myself (us)

But, I was keenly aware of the prescience of an angel, our boy, letting Mom know that Dad was going to be okay. And he sent his best friend to keep me company and give me the hug that he couldn't.

Mysterious ways indeed .......

[daniellemom]

Trudi and Betsy – You were in my thoughts yesterday and everyday. I hope the boys visited you each yesterday in a very special way.

Trudi – I work with a young man named Michael I asked him several months ago what his middle name is guess what? So now each time I say good morning to Michael it’s always Michael Shane and I think of you each morning! I will say their names out loud.

Greg, I will be a customer for sure, Love the name also!

Susannah – I love what you wrote “WHAT? I find comfort in my anger. Their is strength in my own self-righteous judgment of his self-righteousness.” LOVE IT!!!

Dee – Please take care of yourself be careful on your walks.

Betty – I’m still smoke free and thanks for telling me it will get easier because I could eat a carton of Marlboro lights in about a minute! LOL. I love see you post your Stephen is such a handsome man.

Bonnie – Prayers for Rich’s speedy recovery! So glad to hear that Jason sent by his best friend. He will always take care of his mama!

Marcia - So glad to see Bethany's smiling face.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[bjsmom]

Carol (Mikesmomrs)-Thank you for saying my Bj's name. It means so much just for someone to recognize. My boys talk about Bj all the time and I find my ears pricking up when I hear his name, just the mention takes me breath away. I try my best not to act surprised or emotional, try to act normal so they won't stop talking about him. My youngest, age 7, has a wonderful imagination, unlike anything I have seen before. Seems he truly believes that everything "unusual" going on around the house is Bj's handy work. If it's explainable I tell him so, but sometimes things just happen that cannot be explained. Since Bj's passing me & the boys have begun watching a tv show called Ghost Whisperer. It's a series on the WE channel and stars Jennifer Love Hewitt as the lead character. At first I thought it was going to be just one of those "cheesy" shows but it has definitely surprised me with it's message towards the passing of loved ones. I have found that when death touches your family nothing can be the same again, you have no choice but to change as your life has. It's so difficult to explain this to a child, for how do you explain the unexpectedness of it all, when even you, as the parent, have no answers. At this point any help that I can get is welcome and the series seems to help answer some of those painful questions that I personally cannot answer. Of course, we all have our own beliefs and the beyond is unique to us all. Now, after all that's happened in our lives, I want my sons to realize that death is a part of everyone's life & sometimes the unexpected does happen, but then again I don't want to cram death in their face & have them worried & unhappy. This particular show seems to help some, but then again.... Recently my youngest son asked me, "mom, did Bj go into the light right away?" I answered, "yes, i believe so". He said, "well, when I die I'm not going into the light, I'm going to stay with you all the time". Maybe I see it as a lighthearted subject right now, for if not I would crumble, as I have no answers.

Deneace(BjsMom)

[ericasmom]

Sonya and Deneace, so good to see you both, such beautiful Children looking out at us and over us. You both have little ones with questions and I admire your looking for the best ways to answer their questions. To all of you either raising younger siblings or grandies, goodness knows finding answers for ourselves is difficult so to find them for your Kids, well, hats off to you all.

Bonnie, so glad that Rich is starting to recover, and my prayers for continued healing and good health. Wow, new Foster Daughter and surgery all at once, and no school. You do have your hands full, but because your heart is so full, I m not worried about you doing just beautifully.

Here, I hope are the lyrics to a new Pearl Jam song, so pretty. When I hear it, and I only have three times, I sit quietly hoping to hear each word.

"Just Breathe"

Yes, I understand that every life must end, uh-huh

As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, uh-huh

Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love

Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they've got none

Stay with me...

Let's just breathe...

Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me win, uh-huh

Under everything, just another human being, uh-huh

I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world to make me bleed

Stay with me

You're all I see...

Did I say that I need you?

Did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see

No one knows this more than me

As I come clean...

I wonder everyday, as I look upon your face, uh-huh

Everything you gave

And nothing you would save, oh no

Nothing you would take

Everything you gave...

Did I say that I need you?

Oh, did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see

No one knows this more than me

And I come clean, ah...

Nothing you would take

Everything you gave

Hold me til I die

Meet you on the other side...

[ericasmom]

[daveydow1]

Dee-----Thanks for the woodpecker page. They really are wonderful

birds. We used to feed them, but this winter we haven't, since we took

down the shepard hooks in preparation for the move. I miss seeing them.

Bonnie----Thoughts & prayers for Rich that he will have a speedy recovery.

Deneace-----Your answers to the boys questions are very wise. They are

naturally curious about BJ, and may ask things that will be difficult to answer,

but you are keeping the lines of communication open, so I think that they will

not be as fearful. I remember when Davey was about 5 yrs. old, his little dog,

"Spotty" was killed on the road (chased into traffic by another kid).  He was sad,

and we talked about it. I told him "everything dies"  ----meaning, at the time, that

pets die. Then he said  "will I die" ?   I took a sharp breath in, fought off a choked-up

voice, and told him "not for a long long time, Davey".  I don't know if that was the

right thing to say or not.......but it was all I could think to say at the time.  We can

only do our best when young children ask questions, and I think you are doing

a good job of dealing with the subject when the little boys ask about it. 

I wish you peace & comfort, friend.

                Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry  

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

Love the song!

Rich is doing really well. He decided to do a cardiac rehab for a while. I think it will make us both more comfortable for him to exercise in a controlled environment to start with.

He's been resting today, he's still a little weak and was told to expect that for a couple more days.

He needs to get all the dyes from the tests and give his body time to detox from the medications given during and after the procedure.

Thanks for all the well wishes!

We are so blessed!

Love!

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - Great news.  Collective sigh of relief from around the world. Cardiac rehab under supervision will also take the 'stress' out of the recovery for you both.

I have no doubt Jay was with you in that room - feeding back the strengths you raised him with.

Susannah - The emotion behind the typing of it is tired, sad, inadequate..........scared.

Fear never accomplished anything.   Sounds so familiar but you don't sound negative... Raising your grandchildren is a daunting and exhausting task.  Retirement is the carrot we all strive for.  All any of us wants for our children is for them to be happy, healthy and leading fulfulling lives - not sarcastic just real.

Dee - Pear Jam oh yeah.  Thankyou. 

Sonya - Tears fall. You caught my breath - Micheal Shane. Good looking young man I'm sure. Thankyou

Walking two pups - ttfn

[lolynbo]

WELL BRENT AND CARLEY FOUND OUT THEY ARE HAVING A GIRL....I ASKED HER WHAT NAMES SHE MAY HAVE PICKED OUT...SHE SAID "PEIGHTON"...SO PEIGHTON CARGAL SOUNDS GOOD TO ME...BUT IF I WAS THINKING LIKE KOURTNEY LYNN WOULD BE THINKING...IT WOULD BE ...BRENTS MIDDLE NAME IS KYLE

KYLIE LYNN CARGAL.....BUT ITS NOT OURS SO...I JUST KEEP IT CLOSE TO MY HEART...

KOURTNEYS KLOSET WENT AS SMOOTH AS SILK TODAY...NO HEADACHES NO TROUBLE NO CRAP....SO HAPPY...THE  BAD ONES ARE GONE..

GLAD RICH IS DOIN BETTER...SDS LIKE LONG HARD ROAD...

THINKING OF ALL OUR ANGELS TODAY...SAYING THEIR NAMES............................................................................

"

[summergirl]

Deneace -  It is a diffacult thing to try to explain to the young ones of death but from your post sounds like you are doing a great job. I watched the Ghost Whisperer and have found it to be better then most shows but do not watch it all the time.  I can so relate to your youngest saying he was NOT going into the light, he was going to stay with you all the time.....Tavian does the same thing whenever he talks about Jessica he will say "mi-mi promise me that you won't go to Heaven without me" , What do I say to that???? I tell him I will do my best to always be with him but then he interrups me and says "no, mi-mi, you have to promise" so then I do.....I feel as each day goes by and he gets a bit older the day will come when he will understand the circle of life.   Hard to explain when we ourselves sometimes need someone to explain it to us....Bless you.

Colleen - The "Shrine", I have one too and just so happens to be in the living room also, pictures, treasure box, butterflies, angels. In the dining room I have a table that Jessica bought just a couple of weeks before she left us....on that I have pictures, stones, frogs and small memento's from the cemetery.  I do not believe either that we are living in the past, our child lived and the memories sustain us so if we want every room in the house to have signs of our child then that is what we do.. 

Susannah - Wow you said it right girl...Barry and I too did not picture our lives as they are now, being 54 and 53 and raising our grandson.....we thought we would be traveling, rediscovering each other and enjoying our lives after the kids moved out. Yes, the outcome of getting your grandchildren and us Tavian is the outcome we prayed for but there are days when we are "tired, confused, scared".  We too had thought we would be "grandparents" not "grandparents/mom and dad"  You do not sound bitter or sarcastic....you sound like a mom who lost her daughter and is now raising 3 grandchildren, a lot of responsibility, draining on the emotions. I sometimes  feel as though I did not "grieve" as I needed to because I had Tavian to take care of......but for me after finding BI and reading the posts from all those who will never have grandchildren or those you lost their only child it helped me to look at things in a different way, blessed to have Tavian, don't get me wrong, I have my days when I think I am going to go crazy if I don't get some time away from him and days where I want nothing more then to sit in my chair and have no responsibilities at all. We are going to make it girlfriend.....as you said  "Fear never accomplished anything"

Trudi - what a cutie that pup is.....how do he and Muttley get along???

Dee - love that song by Pearl Jam....have only heard it a couple times, thanks for sharing it.

Lorrie - keep that name close to your heart....we are hearing you.

Betsy.....glad things are going well with hubby

Love to all....Kathy 

[ericasmom]

Lorri, don't know if I ever did tell ya, that I love the photo of Kourtney in her little years. So adorable. I think Kourt would have used the name you are thinking, the two of you very much alike. It is good that you can keep that close to your heart. I think that Kourtney is happy about the babe.

Bonnie, I am happy that Rich will be under supervision in his recovery. Good. Give him a gentle hug from us all and I will thank Jason for being present with you yesterday as you waited the news.What a Great Son you raised.

Sherri, how cool that you fed the woodpeckers. What kinds came to your feeders? I'll bet you will see even more at your new place. Do you have binoculars? My husband, John, bought me a monocular this Christmas, smaller and easier to use on walks. Lot's to see in those treetops. The woodies like to stay pretty high around here, but I hear them quite often. This morning while walking, I was watching my every step as I don't want to fall again, and suddenly, movement near me, just ahead. Three deer, I frightened them accidently and they moved across the street. I felt badly that I made them startle, though they startled me as well, it is long before sunrise when I am out walking.

Trudi, so glad that you like Pearl Jam, isn't that a great song? Oh my it makes my body float as he sings. Once at a Bulls Game, Eddie Vedder came out on the floor to sing the Star Spangled Banner. A giant voice, a beautiful deep voice from so little a man. I nearly floated out of my seat to see him.

Sue, I hope that you are fine, have not heard much from you in this new year, but figure that many have a bit of a blue period after the holidays. Are you okay?

Mary Ann, hope that you are doing well. Is there anything new going on in your neck of the woods?

Amanda, how goes life with Mr. Baby-ness? Carrie, doing okay? Cindy, how bout you? Kaye, you are in my thoughts often as is Johnny. I miss his sweet face and your sweet self. Lyn, how are you? Val, if you are ever out there, know that I think of you and Geoff. Kathy what about you today? Patty, you are being thought of as is Rosie, and Beth. Life gets really harder for a time those of you new to this place, but it will get softer than this one day. All of us here are proof of this.

Love to you all,

dee

[lolynbo]

[ericasmom]

Kathy, me too, only heard it a few times till today when I have now replayed it about 8 times, crying with this last play, weeping hard, it had to be. When a song strikes a bell in my soul as this one does, and like Spirtual High by Chrissy Hynde from the other day, I play it until i finally am unlocked and I can weep and weep. I needed that. I thought of how hard it is to realize that I am coming up on 7 years since I saw Erica Eileen Reith in person. My little Girl. Seven Years in July adn I don't really understand time any more today than I did right after Eri left. I guess that that is okay, I live in the day as best I can, and I look back when I have time to sit with my tears for a while but I don't stay there as long as I once did, now I know how to come back up for air, come back for the life I need to live, but oh, some days, apparently today, my needs were down that road from 6.5 years ago.

I love you Bing, my shiny little skater, whipping around the rink, surprising many with the agility that you were known for.

I miss you Erz, and am blessed to see you in so many forces. Hug your Daddy for me, and remember that I will always be so blessed to know you as my Daughter.

[briansdad]

Here's a fishing show I made about 25 years ago.

[lolynbo]

CLOSE TO OUR HEART ..THATLL KEEP ME FOR NOW...

SOME OF MY "SHRINES" FOR KOURTNEY AND IF PPL DONT LIKE IT THEY CAN NOT COME TO MY HOUSE....I NEED THESE THINGS TO BE NEAR ME..

THIS WAS USED FOR THE FUNERAL...ALL PICS OF KOURTNEY AND SOME OF HER FRIENDS..THE RIBBON AROUND IT SAYS "PIT STOP" WITH CHECKERD FLAGS THIS IS OFF THE ROLL WE USED FOR HER AND BRENTS WEDDING JUST MONTHS B4...

MY 1ST X HUSBANDS WIFE DID THIS FOR US...HER NAME IS TAMMY

[lolynbo]

MY FAV PICS..NOTICE THE PRAYING HANDS...

[lolynbo]

OK ONE MORE HER BED...THE LIL GREEN PRAYER PILLOW WAS UNDER HER HAND FO R7MONTHS AND 2 DAYS, THE REST OF HER "BABIES" WERE BURIED WITH HER....

I LOVE YAL AND YOUR MY FAMILY JUST WANTED U TO SEE WHERE AND WHAT I FEEL...ID LOVE TO SEE YALS...

[Guest]

BJ   BJ   BJ   BJ   BJ   BJ   BJ   BJ   BJ   BJ

 

 

 

[Guest]

I discovered how to change my font. 

[Guest]

Sweet little boys fishing with their daddy!  Wonderful memories.  I loved watching Brian net the fish. 

You're a good dad!!

Dee - I'm glad you reprint the words to the song by Pearl Jam...Beautiful.  How did your MLK banner turn out?  Did I get that right?  Your school kids were making a banner in honor of Martin Luther King jr?   I was 9 yrs old when he died.  Before foster homes.  My 13yr old sister made me stand with her with my hand on my heart through the whole televised funeral service.  Made quite an impression on me. 

A few years before he died, we were living in Long Beach California.  I made the mistake of calling a little girl the "N" word as she road her bike by me.  Needless to say she was on top of me doing battle in a flash.  She didn't get a hit in though.  My sister, the same one who made me watch MLK's funeral with her, pulled the girl off of me and sent her on her way.  She (my sister) then proceeded to beat the tar out of me.  "Never let me hear you use that word again!  Do you hear me!?"  I was about 6 then.  She was about 10 or 11.

I do share myself quite easily, don't I?  Oh well.  If you  guys don't get tired reading it.  I won't get tired typing it.

Blessed is what I am.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[bjsmom]

Kathy, Tavian's words sound so similar to my youngest's. Sometimes these tiny little words can break your heart for you hear the desperation & reassurance needed behind them. My youngest is so open with me, always by my side, always talking. We do what we can for now.

Sherry, I never truly explained death to Bj. Guess it was a subject that scared me so I didn't pass much information on. I remember when my mom passed away nearly 12 years ago. It was 9 days after Bj's 9th birthday and Bj was with her at the time. She was babysitting him while I was at work and had sent him to take a nap while she cooked their dinner. She had a massive heart attack while cooking and fell to the floor. Bj woke up because of the smoke, the pans had caught on fire, and he ran to the next door neighbors house for help. He told me later that she had told him to do this if anything ever happened; she had never mentioned this to me. My mother was everything to me, she had adopted me at birth and was, in my mind, the only true family I had other than Bj. Knowing Bj had been there with her, made it more difficult to explain. I don't know exactly what he saw that day, do not know what he felt because he was so young. I remember telling him the best way I could, but realize now I didn't do a good job. Because I am now older and have lost my mother & 19yr old son, I feel this urgency & need too better explain "the way of life" to my boys, so that somehow they might be better prepared(if there is any such thing). Just don't want to overdue it either, as children as so inquisitive.

Dee- Pearl Jam is coming to the New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival in April. Other line-ups include Simon & G., Lionel Richie, The Black Crowes and more. I sooo want to go and have mentioned this to my husband. He smiled, so I know I can talk him into this. He-He! We visited New Orleans for the first time last February, just needed to get away & it was his birthday & my middle son, Dane's b-day. I did not think I would like it at all but there's so much history & culture that I found I loved it.

Don't know what happening with me now. Have started feeling better, feeling like there's something more out there, anywhere. Started a workout routine today, only lasted for 15 minutes though; my legs were shaking and I can barely walk. I'm 40 now and amazed at how fast my body has gone. Somewhere in all this better spirits, I find myself torn between wanting to smile and crying. Seems I cannot get past this guilt of being alive or possibly being happy, living when my son is gone. People say, "you know that Bj would have wanted you to be happy". But I know in my heart what he really wanted, he wanted to be here too. I was fine all day yesterday, the day was so beautiful and I opened all the windows just to get some fresh air inside the house. I went to bed late, as soon as my head hit the pillow my thoughts were consuming, it happened in a flash. I had to bury my head in the pillow as I bawled, trying not to wake up my husband. I feel as if every moment is up in the air, yet, I am attempting to attempt. I am researching some online college courses, really interested in physical therapy yet I have no master's which means I will have to start at the beginning. Don't know what to do or where to begin. Scary thought thinking about starting over but more scared thinking that I won't do anything. Blessings to everyone this night! Thank you for listening, always being here.

Deneace(BjsMom)

[shorty16]

Deneace,

So good to see you!

Please do not feel guilty about recovering some of your mind from this terrible loss.  Your son's and husband love to see you happy.

I too felt guilty about having fun.  That passed after I realized how hard I had to work to bring happiness back into my life.

I appreciate everything so much more.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shellbellsmom]

Just checking in,been busy...and trying to get back to reading some.  Have been making some headway with therapy I think.  My days aren't so dark lately...praying they continue to lighten up some.  Went to a medium this week....will tell you about it when I have more time.  But, in short it was good and I felt it did bring me some comfort. 

Greg enjoyed your fishing show...I live in a house with two crazy fisherman myself. That's my boys idea of a vacation....mine, not so much.  My daughter did a little of it too when she was younger. 

Hope everyone is well...Bonnie so glad your husband is back home and starting to heal in rehab. 

Take Care everyone....Sue

[mikesmum]

Okay Greg, now I definitely want to met you!  I love your banter with Brian on this 'show'.  I know there is nothing like having him with you now, but such memories are priceless.  Did you ever make enough to retire?  If not hopefully the new venture will see you through.

Dee - Yes that voice with incredible lyrics - like poetry to music.  Pearl Jam, another music genre compliments of Mike.    I too have been know to listen to the lyrics of music that unchain my tears.  It does give such a release that fatigue sets in and peace strangey finds me.

Betsy - I don't look for signs, they find me.  I walked Charley today thru town.  As I waited for the lights to change to cross I looked up.  I see this shop everyday without a thought...

I think  I know where the balloon is you released for Mike...its here in the window...Hey from Mike and Rich!!!

"Delivered him wings hey, look at me now. Arms wide open with the sea as his floor, oh, power, oh he's flying whole high, wide"

[lolynbo]

HEY NOW DONT TALK CRAZY "YOU DONT READ SIGNS THEY FIND YOU"...WE DO SIGNS YOU MUST READ SIGNS ENJOY SIGNS...LOVE THE SIGNS..BE NICE TO THE SIGNS...CUZ WE DO SIGNS....AT GALAXIE SIGN COMPNAY ARDMORE OKLAHOMA