Loss of an Adult Child

[jobaby]

 SummerGirl.  Just in response to your question.  I am wondering if there is ever an hour that goes by that we don't thing about our children???  There are so many things that remind me of Charlie that I had no clue about.  Maybe he is trying to tell me it is all ok and to get off my butt.

[mikesmum]

Question - is there ever a morning that you open your eyes and your child is not on your mind??   when you close your eyes to find sleep is your child not on your mind?

For that first flit of light as I open my eyes I am oblivous to all.  With the next breath, the next heartbeat reality hits and the ache of my heart is with me, as it was as I drifted the night before.

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

[Guest]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for all the validation. 

Rosie - What a gift you've been given through the people who spent Andrews last minutes on this earth loving him and praying.  I'm glad they brought comfort to you.  My daughter died alone (physically).  She went riding the quad by herself.  We have no idea how long she laid there before she was missed.  I'm told it was just a matter of minutes. 

I spent the first few months obsessing over how she died.  I felt the need to put the puzzle together.  I honestly think Stephanie guided me away from that train of thought and into today.  So many times, as I was a sobbing puddle in the middle of the floor, I could feel her say, "Mom I'm okay!"  Wiping my tears. 

When I focus on that day....wondering what really happened, and her body laying on the guerney with her father sobbing over her body, I'm a wreck.  The only relief I've found has been in forcing myself out of August 9th at 10:55am and back into present time.  I literally have to remind myself what day it is.  Where I am.  What's happening NOW.  It is in the NOW that I have found Stephanie.  When I think of her as gone forever, I am inconsolable.  But, when I am HERE, I feel her.  I hear her.  I see the many signs she leaves. 

Her personality still exists.  Only, without all the drama.  I feel her joy and her strength.  I hear her wisdom and humor. 

Trudi - There isn't a minute in the day that I'm not thinking about Stephanie.  It isn't associated with the intense pain that it had in the early days.  I smile at the memories a lot more these days.

Well, that's all for now.  I have to get Mariah to school. 

Sending you all love and peace.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

The sink in the kid's bathroom was draining slow.  No problem.  Take out the P trap, below and unglog it, right?  Only problem is I don't have the right size thingy to fit around the pipe.  So, I make the treck in 13 below weather to Gary's shop - just on the other side of the yard, to get the right tool.  I find a heavy duty thingy that should work. 

All the stuff that was stored under the sink is no ON the sink.  Tools scattered all over the bathroom floor.  The pipe (P trap) is still safely in place.  The bolt or whatever it's called wouldn't budge.  There is, however, a nice size hole in the pipe where the heavy duty thingy (I think it's a wrench) did it's thing.

I decide to leave it for Gary.  Should have done that in the first place.  I decide not to tell Gary until he gets home.

************Flashback********

The last time I unglogged a P trap I was staying with Stephanie, her husband and two baby girls.  Jonathon was due any day.  I spent my days scrubbing walls, hanging curtains and doing laundry.  Two yr old Jasmine was my shadow the whole time. 

The kitchen sink was clogged.  With Jasmine by my side, I successfully losen the P trap, completely forgetting to put a bucket under it.  The water gushed out with a vengence.  Jasmine dove head first into the water with a shout of glee.  I managed to pull her back and ran to the bathroom to grab a handfull of towels.  The bathroom door had to be kept shut because Jasmine was always getting into stuff.  So, I pulled the door shut as I turned the light off, running back to the kitchen.

At about the same time I had the thought, "Where's Jasmine?"  I heard a blood curdling scream come from the bathroom.

I had locked her in the dark bathroom.

Stephanie and her husband returned from their walk to a clean house, a traumatized child and a crazed mother.  As I recounted the story, Stephanie laughed so hard she peed her pants.

Good memories!

Hopefully Gary will see this as a potential good memory! 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[briansdad]

You know it's amazes me the kindness of strangers. At Brian's funeral a woman stood in line for at least 45min to an hour to talk to us. She wanted to tell us that she had held Brian's head after the accident and said he wasn't responding and that she prayed for him. I also had a note on his cross from a man who had held Brian's hand and prayed. It's good to know Brian was not alone.

[ericasmom]

HI GANG OF INDIGOS,

I ONLY HAVE A MOMENT, KIDS ARE IN MUSIC CLASS, BUT I WANT TO RESPOND QUICKLY SO THAT I DO NOT FORGET.

ROSIE, I TOO BELIEVE THAT THE WOMAN WHO REACHED OUT TO YOU WAS A GIFT IN THIS NEW WORLD. THE NAME OF THE RELIGIONS ARE NOT IMPORTANT AS IS THE SOULFUL EXPRESSION. SHE FELT COMPELLED TO REACH YOU, SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO, SHE WAS DIRECTED BY HER HEART AND SOUL, TO LET YOU KNOW THAT ADREW WAS NOT ALONE, SHE STAYED WITH HIM. HOW WONDERFUL THAT SHE TOLD YOU THIS, THAT SHE ALSO FELT WHAT HIS SPIRIT WAS FEELING AND THAT HE WOULD NOW BE YOUR GUIDING ANGEL. I THINK THAT ANDREW MADE SURE THAT THE DEAR WOMAN ADN YOU MEET, THERE WAS SOMETHING VERY SPIRITUAL WAITING FOR YOU. I AM NOT RELIGIOUS IN A CONVENTIONAL SETTING OR SENSE EITHER, BUT I DO BELIEVE IN GOD AND IN A HEAVENLY PLACE, AND I DO BELIEVE THAT ANDREW IS HANGING OUT WITH SOME INCREDIBLE ANGELS. THEY HAVE TAKEN HIM UNDER THEIR WINGS SO TO SAY, AND THEY WILL BE TOGETHER.

MARCIA, SO GOOD TO SEE YOUR BEAUTY DAUGHTER'S FACE, I HAVE MISSED YOU DEAR.

LYNN, LOVE THE GOAT COMMENT. I KNOW TIMES ARE TOUGH, LET THE SNOW GIVE YOU SOMETHING PRETTY TODAY, MAYBE THE WAY IT MUFFLES SOUND.

WE HAVE ABOUT 6 INCHES NOW, IT IS SUPPOSED TO SNOW ALL DAY LONG. THE KIDS ARE SO VERY EXCITED, AS AM I.

DRIVE SAFELY ALL.

DEE

TRUDI, THAT POEM IS ONE OF MY MOST FAVORITES EVER, AND IT IS SO FITTING TO THIS LOVE/THIS LOSS. I AM HOLDING YOU AND ROCKING GENTLY.

LOVE YOU

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Susannah  You brought a huge smile to my face this AM.  The two stories about your "plumbing" expertise had me laughing out loud.  I am sure hubby will do likewise!!   Thank you. 

Jobaby  Good to see you too.  I agree I too think of Stephen all the time

Trudi  So wonderful to see Mike's new picture.  So precious to see him with his little girl!!!  The poem was beautiful

Greg and Rosie  Thank you for sharing on the importance of the  "Kindness of Strangers'

Dee stay warm and dry when you play in the snow with the children

I think about Stephen every second of every minute of every day. 

That is where my mind and heart and soul dwell forever.

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[carriebear]

Susannah, I love your insights, please don’t feel like you need to apologize for anything…

I think you really have a gift with your words & sharing your perspectives.

 

You’re so right, grief sucks, and it manages to permeate every layer of everything.  I do feel fortunate to have realized early on in this journey, with the help of a close friend who is 6 years ahead of me on her personal grief journey, is you must go through it.  There is no short-cut or quick fix, and I understood right away that I didn’t want to skimp or short-cut anyway, as it felt that I wouldn’t be honoring David’s life & what he means to me.  Sometimes I scream in my car, sometimes I collapse in the floor, but also sometimes I laugh out loud at his silly way…it is all necessary and sacred.

 

Your thoughts: “I had an experience a couple of years ago that let me know it is us that keep "spiritual influence" from contacting us. It's not because they aren't trying.  Our receptors are blocked by being busy, outside distractions, our own extreme emotional grief.   Actually, sometimes those moments of intense pain can be a result of the "lost" loved one being very close to us.  But, instead of recognizing that they are close, we remember they have died and feel pain instead of the comfort they are intending to send.”

 

Thank you so much for sharing this…I needed to hear that and believe it truly.  The orb in my photo I shared means so very much, it did before I read what you wrote, and even makes more sense to me now.  Earlier on the day that photo was taken, I had forgotten my cell was in my back pocket when I went to the restroom, and well, it fell into the toilet.  The water was still clean, so I grabbed it out but the damage was done.  I dissolved into helpless sobs, knowing that I had lost the last ‘received call’ from David…7/23/08…the last time I spoke with him, 2 days before he left this plane.  I always deleted my other incoming calls so that his wouldn’t be bumped off.  May sound silly to some, but I know ya’ll understand. I often would look at my phone, just to see his name under my received calls list.  Well I just was devastated, and in the photo my eyes are still a bit puffy…so to see the photo afterward, and KNOW that he was right there, well, ‘comforting’ just isn’t a strong enough word. 

 

There’s so much I want to say, but I’d have a post 2 pages long…

 

Terrie, I am so sorry for your loss of your aunt. She sounds like a wonderful soul with a quiet strength about her.  Hugs to you & prayers for you & your family. 

 

Lorri, prayers for Kim & Cody, prayers for you also as you support Kimmy.

 

Thanks Dee, for your sweet compliment.  After years of dating all the ‘wrong ones’ I finally found a real Sweetie!  He’s so kind & supportive, lets me cry & accepts me being a weirdo about stuff…just wish he could’ve met my Bro, my hero.

 

Sherry, I loved the ‘secret’ plant story…made me smile. 

 

Greg, I don’t believe in coincidences…Donna just lent me The Noticer the last time I saw her.   So I have a great read ahead of me…good…I need it!

 

Trudi & Betsy, prayers & hugs coming your way…we are here.

 

Thanks Trudi, for sharing that e.e. poem…I love it.  And I really love the photo with Mike & Harmony.

I love seeing different photos of our angels, seeing different facets to their selves. 

 

Ugh so much I feel I’m leaving out, but let me leave ya’ll with this poem, by W.S. Merwin, Separation:

 

Your absence has gone through me

Like thread through a needle.

Everything I do is stitched with its color.

[Guest]

Hi Carriebear!  Thanks for the validation.  I'm glad what I wrote helped.  I remember seeing the orb above your shoulder.   Almost like he was whispering in your ear.  I have a message on my phone that I'm saving, too.  I'm also saving Stephanie's phone so we can listen to her message whenever we want. 

Betty - I'm glad my plumbing stories made you laugh.  Laughter is so important!  I'm certainly the best source of entertainment in my life.  Never a dull moment in my brain!

I did give in and tell Gary about the pipe, knowing he's going to have to buy a new one and he might want to do that on the way home.  Well, surprise of surprises.  I am meeting him at Home Depot this afternoon and we are picking out a whole new sink and faucet set!  We've been wanting to do that for three years!  Honesty is a good thing.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shellbellsmom]

Carriebear- I too have saved a message of my daughter on my cell, even taped it so I wouldn't lose it, and made it a wave file to store on my computer- didn't want to erase it by accident.  I read your post about the orbs yesterday and knew actually how you felt as I too have had many photos that "orbs" have appeared in.  Anyways, yesterday shortly after reading everyone’s post I found myself on Facebook and clicked on my daughter’s old BF page which I haven't visited in a long while and found myself looking at his pictures. (My son would call me a fb stalker, and I think I was looking to see if any new pics of him and his new gf were posted.) I only clicked on one. (It wasn't the first one in his album either, or one with him and my daughter in it) It was of him at a baseball game where he was drinking a beer and had his arm around a empty seat.  I think I had seen this before....but this time the first thing I noticed was the orb right underneath his arm- like she was there with him and he had his arm around her.  Blew me away- saved this one to my computer.  First, what possessed me to look at his page, and then why did I click on the one picture with him and an orb in it.  Took this as a sign...I too do not believe in coincidences.  Also it was seat number 6- which is the number of her hospital room. 

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[/align]

Rosie and Greg....there truly are angels on earth. So glad you found some peace knowing your child wasn't really alone during their death. 

Kathy I agree 100% that parent’s grief is harder than spouses, parents, and siblings.  Though I know any lose is difficult for the ones losing their love ones.  Praying this move for your son is the one that is the changing point in his life. And yes, just before I go to sleep- I think/pray and talk with my daughter...then when I wake up the first thing I think about is....crap this is real and not a dream- then I ask her to help me and give me strength to get through today without her. 

Terrie so sorry to hear about Aunt Geneva.  We have had two deaths in our family in the last 2 days- one of my aunt’s husband, and the other my niece’s grandmother. 

Greg will have to check out the book.  Love the message of it.  Found the FB page talking about it too and the website for it.  Strong message- might even get around to doing this myself.  To my father would be my first.

Bonnie and Trudi love the poems/quotes you shared. 

Lorrie so sorry about your Kimmy and Cody.  Sounds like Cody needs a good relationship therapist to talk too.  He has issues. 

Susannah love your stories....glad to see a new sink and faucet is in your future. 

Everyone stay warm and safe and keep a look out for those signs.  Take Care, Sue

[mikesmomrs]

Hello Indigos:  The talk of signs and phone messages brings to mind how we have a message from Mike.  I know I’ve shared this before, but I never tire of thinking of it…please put up with my posting it again…The day after Mike passed , I was standing in the kitchen, along with Mike's dad, Mike’s wife Sarah, and his friend Denis. We were all discussing not having a voice mail msg of Mike. Sadly, those I had were accidently erased, as we didn't have on on the home phone. Just as I said this, my cell phone, in the other room, rang. (both our cell phones were plugged into chargers, on a shelf, and turned OFF.)   It only rang once, and then the other phone rang, once.. I went in to get my phone to see what had happened.  They were both now ON, and Mike’s dad’s phone showed a call made to my phone at 1:13--which was the time when we heard the phones ring.  My phone showed a call received from Mike's dad's phone at 1:14.  I checked the phones but there were no "missed calls" listed, no new messages listed, etc. In the process of checking the phones out though, I found a message on Mike's dad's phone, from way back in May, (it was now Oct) from Mike, that his dad didn't even know was there, and for some reason this message had stayed on the phone for all that time!  Mike had been to Virginia in May, visiting his sister for a week, and his friend Denis had picked him up at the airport when he came home.  The message began with a comment in Mike's usual dry humor, "Come on man, record your own voice mail message," telling his dad that he should record his own msg on his voice mail (I had recorded it for him when we first got the phones) followed by "I got back okay.  I'm going to go take a nap.  Please call me tonight, after "LOST," or right before.  Love you."  I’ve always believed that Mike or God or whomever was letting us know of this msg that we didn’t know about.  Needless to say, we truly treasure this voice mail msg, and I always get goosebumps when I listen to it....

love and peace,  Carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi:  Love the poem that you shared…holding you close.  I know that Micheal carries you in his heart, also. 

Sue:  I am glad that you saw the orb on your search…I don’t think fb stalker is the right word…just a grieving mom…searching…not even knowing for what…

Carriebear:  I am so very sorry about your losing David’s message, but I am just super happy about the orb in your picture…David is right there, on your shoulder, sharing the day with you, loving you, as always. 

Rosie:  tears and chills as you related the kindness to your son Andrew in his last moments…I am so glad that you saw this message and also followed up with a visit to this kind, loving person,  and know that there is a new comfort in your heart, though the pain right now is more of what you feel.  That sweet kindness to your precious Andrew will be with you forever.  Oh, yes, Andrew sent you there…

Marcia:  So good to see you back and once again see Bethany’s beautiful face and smile.  I hope your ankle has improved on your time away, and I hope that your time away was restful. 

Dee:  I am so thankful that the little girl in your school “happened” to come in contact with you (thank you, Eri, for that!), as she will likely long remember those moments of kindness and they may very well help her to get through a time of pain or hurt.  Dear Lord, please lead this little one to a safer place, a place where her heart can heal and her mind can grow….

Susannah:  Your story of the sink and the pipe was just hilarious…you have such a way with words and bring humor to the most mundane of problems…thank you for sharing.  Congrats on getting the new sink and faucet…  By the way, whether it looked clear in the picture or not, the “S” in the snow was surely from Steph, letting you know she is near, as always.  Your comment “I spent the first few months obsessing over how she died”  struck a cord...I think this is the path a lot of us, if not all, took…I remember asking the doctor to explain to me exactly how Mike could die from Brain cancer…after seeing that last MRI of his brain, after they told us he had a second tumor and then shortly after that they told us they were stopping treatment…it looked like the x-ray film had been shot with buckshot…I was in shock.  I had to go back later to ask what those “marks” were and I finally had to use the word “holes” to explain my question…my heart stayed on the ground for a long time after that…

Bonnie:   thank you for sharing the poem that came with the ornament.  I wish you luck and patience with your possible new venture, if the three children do come to you, you will surely have your hands full, but Jason will be there with you…  I am praying that Rich had a good report at his doctor…keep us posted, and know that we are holding you both close in thought and prayers.

Betsy:  I agree…Rich’s g/f’s remark was totally out of whack…I am glad that you are able to put it aside and not let it get you down…keep listening to that loud music if you have to.  Keeping you close in prayer and thought.

Colleen:  Done with the reno yet?  I hope so---we well know the inconveniences of trying to renovate and keep up with the daily stuff…

Claudia:  I am truly glad to hear that you are doing better…the stress that you’ve been under was just unreal, and I pray that you will continue to feel your heart lighter as the days go by, even is just little bits at a time… Joey is with you, always.

Greg:  I am happy for you also, that you were able to know of the kindness of the people who spent those last moments with Brian…it is good to know that he wasn’t alone…

Lorri:  I am also so sorry that Cody is acting up again...I pray that Kimmy will survive this heartache and find strength to perhaps make some decisions as to what she wants to do that is best for her.  Our hearts break when our children are hurt, and I know you are already in pain...

Betty, Mary ann, Beth, Greg, Jobaby, Leah, Sherry, Sonya, Dan—I hope I didn’t miss anyone…I try to think of your children’s sweet faces and that helps me remember all of your names…thinking of you all and hoping that your day today has been one of the better ones. 

Love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

The pic is in Hamony's 'shell' pool.  It was taken  after they resited his pacemaker.  (it was summer - he was so pale).

I wake to a void.  The recognition of the changes in me, in my world feels like a weight.  Some days its lighter than others. 

Terrie - I love the name Geneva, sounds like peace. Sorry for  your loss.

Sue - Love the orb - yes I believe

Rosie - There is something about knowing our child was cared for.  The ambulance officers with Mike knew us.  They made sure he was laid peacefully back in his bed.  They cared for him till I arrived.  This lady is surely special.

Carol - I remember the story and dont ever apologise - I wish we had been so lucky.  Mikes voicemail from the night before was erased by the phone company before we got to save it.

Greg - Am looking for the book, joined the site.

Betsy - know my heart is with you as we both face that crappy day - the one that we try so hard to wrap with warm, happier memories of our boys.

Bonnie - I borrowed your poem from the ornament box....hope you don't mind.

To those who know me - thank you for your love and wishes for the next days. Trying with all I am to find the positives and the energy needed.  Sometimes I need to just be.

 

[rlolheiser]

hugs to everybody here...  thanks for the kind words.

I made phone calls, and now I have towait for pieces to fall in place and wonder what kind of mess will be caused.  Iknow it is right, and had to be done.  I feel so bad for my daughter (JaBoa's mom) I know she has been in terrible shape and has never gotten any help for her loss.  I tried to get her to before she made some bad choices.  I wonder if I will ever see my grands again or if I will end up caring for them.  I don't know what God has in mind, sometimes I get to thinking he just messes up lives.  I know I shouldn't say that but I can't help how I feel.

I guess I will go...  not feeling to chipper these days

Take care and find peace.. I love all your angels... and hold them dear to my heart

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

[daniellemom]

Terrie – So sorry to hear about your Aunt Geneva. I’m sure she will be welcomed with open arms from her children and your sweet Adam and then all of our children will start calling her Aunt Geneva. I’m sorry you will not be able to attend the funeral but you will be there in spirit.

Bonnie – Prayers for a wonderful report on your hubby (Rich).

Betsy – I laughed a loud about the comment Rich’s g/f said. My thoughts are with you as the days are looming closer to the year mark.

Betty – Love the pictures of Stephen!

Susannah – One thing on BI we do not do is apologies. We do respect everyone and love them and thank them for what they bring to someone. I’m just upset because Danielle has not stopped by. LOL.

Kathy – Prayers for your son! Love the pictures thanks for sharing.

Marcia – So glad to see Bethany smiling at me today!

Rosie – You are so right Andrew is still right here with you.

Trudi – Prayers with you so much right now as the days are approaching.

Carol – Thanks for sharing your story.

Each on of you will never know how much you help me each day. Thanks for each post that you type.

I’m still not smoking!

Sonya (Danielle’s Mom)

[Guest]

Sonya - No, Danielle has not stopped by.    She sure is beautiful!  She reminds me of a girl I knew when I was a child (many, many moons ago). 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

HI GUYS AND GALS..SO FRIKIN COLD HERE...18*  ITS OKLAHOMA NOT SD...DAMN.....WISH SOMEONE WOULD SEND ME TO TROPICAL PLACES....

IM STARTING TO THINK WE WILL NOT BE INVITED TO BRENTS WEDDING...ITS 3 WEEKS AWAY AND STILL NO INVITATION.......JUST THE THOUGHT OF THEM SENDING IT TO USE IS NICE (THEY HAVENT) BUT TO DECIDE IF WE WANT TO GO OR NOT TO GO...BUT GUESSIN WE WONT GET TO MAKE THAT CHOICE...

KIMBERLY TOLD CODY TODAY THAT IF THEY ARE GOING TO MAKE IT HE HAS TO TAKE AND GET MEDS...SHE AND WE THINK HE IS BIPOLAR....SO WE SEE...

LOVE TO ALL...BE BLESSED

KIMMY HELPING HER SISTER AND HALIE TOO...

[mpsmom]

Trudi, I so wish we could all be there with you to help/see you through the next few days, not that the week after will be much easier, but the angelversary seems to just kick us in the head over and over again.....I smile as my thoughts go back to the afternoon of shopping in Minneapolis, sharing stories and doughy pretzels, and giggling about Ryan McBryan (was that really his name ???) .   Many many hugs to you, from so far away.

Love, Marcia           Bethanys Mom Forever  

[Guest]

Lorri - I love the pictures you post of Kourtney and your family.  I just want to twist Cody's ear!  It has to be hard not being invited to the wedding, yet. 

It's good to see Bethany's face again Marcia.  Hope your foot is healing!

Much love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

Yesterday 8yr old Mariah was extremely difficult to deal with, even throwing a tantrum in public.  Last night, at dinner, she announced, quite calmly, that the reason she was acting up is because she was mad at me that her mommy died.  "You're her mother.  You should have told her not to ride the four-wheeler." 

I completely understood where she was coming from and just validated.  "You're angry at me because your mommy died."  "YES!" she announced with a look that should have knocked me off my chair.  I stayed calm and it was dropped until Grandpa got home and then she told him, too. 

We really are quite open and communication is encouraged, especially at dinner.  Grandpa explained that Grandma didn't know Mommy was going riding that day.  Grandpa knew and told her to be careful.  Mariah said, "I don't care.  I'm still mad at her (me)".  I just gave her an extra gentle hug.

The kids need to be free to express their anger, pain and saddness (appropriately) with us.  I remember how proud Jonathon was the first time he told me was mad at me and knew he wasn't in trouble.  He practiced being mad at me often for the next couple of months.  Often in inappropriate places. 

I was on the phone with the police detective at least three times a week and was at his office at least once a week.  Dropping off what ever new information I had found out.  I'm sure I was a royal pain in the butt!  So, Jonathon decides to exercise his newfound independence the day we're going to see Detective McLimore.  It was warm 80 degrees out.  Jonathon insisted on wearing a coat (with his shorts).  I allowed it, so to shock me, he put on TWO coats.  I told him he would be too hot, but he insisted.  So we go to the "Cop Shop" with two coats on Jonathon.  By the time we were called to the conference room, Jonathon was carrying one of his coats.  He marched right to the far end of the table and in front of the detective stood as tall as he could, looked me straight in the eye, and with as stern a look as he could muster, her boldly announced, "I'M MAD AT YOU GRANDMA!" 

I didn't skip a beat, "That's okay if you're mad at me.  You're not in trouble."  He smiled, sat very proudly at the table and waited for the detective and I to finish talking.

So, last night Mariah was mad at me.  It really is a sign of growth that she could express it.  That she could direct it at me.  Safely at me. 

Tonight, as she sat by me in the grieving chair, she glanced over and saw her mother's picture on this site.  "I miss Mommy.  She shouldn't have drove the four-wheeler so fast.  But, she wouldn't have listened.  She was having too much fun.  So now she's dead."

The processing of a child.

Much love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Your absence has gone through me

Like thread through a needle.

Everything I do is stitched with its color.

Wow Carrie, that is a most lovely poem, thanks so much, so true and wonderfully put. I think that the toilet/phone story really puts in perspective the way our angels listen, and intuit us. There he was, knowing that it would really make you smile to know that he was with you that night, so many nights, even if the evidence of his name was washed away. HE is right there. I think too, that our Angels know that the tangible things that we hang on to or create rituals around, are not necessary, they are with us and love us unconditionally, no items kept or lost will make them love us more or less.

Sonya, great strides with your non-smoking time. HOw is Maddie doing?

Marcia, how is your foot, what is the next step?

Colleen, how much snow?

Sus, what are your temps? love the plumbing story as well, you do make me laugh.

Greg, how nice of that woman to come to you and tell you she was with Brian. What a good heart. And the note on the cross, we really do meet some wonderful folks, brought to us through our saddest times.

love to you

[Guest]

It's negative 4 right now, Dee.  It got to -27 last night.  But, it's a dry cold.  It's cold enough, but at least we don't have the moisture that you all have.  That wet cold gets in your bones and just stays! 

The wind isn't blowing so that's good.  We usually have a lot of wind and the windchill really makes it seem colder.  My daughter, in Iowa, says they have ice storms.  I would be scared to death to drive in that. 

[shorty16]

My Indigo pals

Greg - Amazing that 2 total stranger helped your Brian after the accident.  2 neighbors helped my Brian until the police came.  The police made them get away from my son.  Brian thrashed around, banging his head on the cement road, the police than allowed the 2 neighbors back to assist until parametics came.  My Brian died within minutes of hitting the ground.  I will never forget any minute of that night.

We have about 6 inches of snow from this storm.  That is not too bad, but the snow is heavy and freezing.  The roads are very dangerous.

Love you all

Colleen

[daveydow1]

Carol, Dee, Carrie, and Betty------Thanks for your kind words regarding my

stories about Davey's pup, Dash; and the "plant that grew again" after

Davey broke it. Yep,.....we all hang onto these happy, sad, funny memories,

don't we?  They are our little treasures to be brought out anytime we want

them...to be held close to our hearts.  Peace, friends.

Marcia----Good to see Bethany's sweet smiling face. I, too, missed you.

Susannah---Such a funny plumbing story (although it probably wasn't funny

at the time) .  Nobody can take these precious memories from us. They are

ours for all time.

Sonya-----Good to hear you are succeeding on your quest to quit smoking.

Peace & comfor to you, friend.

Thanks everyone for all the great pics. I'm not the most skillful at posting pics,

so therefore, I really enjoy all the photos posted.

          Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

 

[arc4ever]

Okay, I seem to have a reoccuring post with you folks, but we received more bad news today.

The wife of one of my husband's co-workers, and a friend of ours, was killed in a wreck this afternoon.  Traci Williams, 42 years old.  They have three boys and at least a couple still in school.  It was a terrible accident, a semi crossed the center lane on the highway in the snowstorm, hit a car, then proceeded to hit the 17 vehicle passenger van Traci was driving.  She was killed along with three disabled passengers. (This was just outside Springfield, Ohio)

I had a complete meltown with the news.  We were out with some friends, I ran to the ladies room, and sat on the floor sobbing.  I think I went into a bit of shock and shook uncontrollably and was back to the stuttering (which I clearly remember started at the hospital with Adam).  I couldn't stop shaking for at least an hour.  I finally had enough sense to take a Xanax to calm myself down.  We are home now safely, and I am going to bed.

I don't even know how to  process this information in my brain.  You feel so much for people now and know how deeply pain can be.

Short story, my husband and Traci's husband worked closely together.   A couple of weeks before the accident, my husband was assigned a job  position that no longer required he work overtime.  The day before Adam's accident my husband told Traci's husband that he would never have to worry about missing another one of Adam's events, that he would always be there for him, and that my husband was the happiest he had been --- the next day our world was shattered.

We do not know what life has in store for us.  Life is a precious gift that is so often taken for granted.

Love to all, goodnight Terrie (Adam's mom)

[Guest]

(((((Terri)))))  I'm so sorry, Terri!  No words.  Just love and understanding!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[rlolheiser]

Terrie, I am so sorry for your pain and all the sadness you have to experience.  I was just reading the story about the accident, stories like that make me cry, and then I came in here and saw it affected you.. there is nothing I can say..  I just pray and cry with you

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

[zachysmom]

I'm scared that when the dr does surgery he's gonna find more than just the cyst and fibroids. I haven't told anyone about my worries.

[summergirl]

Hello my Indigo's....so much being said and I could also write a couple of pages but since it is late I will keep it to a minimum.

Trudi - my dear friend, my heart is with you, my arms surround you...love the new avatar!!  The poem...printed out for my book of poem's from Indigo's.  Micheal, as your angelversary draws near hold on to your mum, surround her with your sweet love, smile upon her, give her a bit of your heavenly strength...

Dee - yes they are paperwhites...Tavian is so proud that they bloomed in the winter, he believes it's magic because flowers only bloom in the spring;) Thank you for the prayers for my son, I pray often but know in my heart that he will only change his life because he wants to but I shall never give up...sometimes hope is all we have.

Greg - there are few among us that have been given the gift of someone being with our child in those last moments...and to have them let you know they were there. I was lucky (???) that all those on the ambulance that night were my friends and with my Jessica... one of the girls I have been friends with since 7th grade, she told me she loved my Jessica for me... 

Susannah - you are a funny lady....love your thingy story...whoo hoo a new sink and faucet....it's the little things that make us smile isn't it....

Rosie - I am so glad this woman contacted you and you got to meet with her. I do believe that she was guided to you, that you and her were meant to meet and you could feel a bit of peace knowing your Andrew had his hand in it, wanting you to know he is safe in the Heaven's with all of our Angels.    I am so sorry that you had to go through so much that night...for Andrew to be just a mile away and you having to make all the calls and no one telling you anything, tears fell as I read your post.  When I read of the different things that those here had to go through when their child was lost it brings me to my knees....those that had to say good by and let their child go, those who were not able to be with their child due to a stupid act by someone, those who had to travel miles to be with their child praying all the way, those who were with their child but could do nothing to stop them from leaving, those who lay sleeping in the night having no idea a knock would soon be coming and take your life as you know it away.   I am so glad you have found us here but as always so sorry for the reason...hold tight my friend.

Thanks guys for the responses to my Question....yes, our children are always on our minds, every minute of every day.....I may not always realize it, especially on a busy day at work but Jessica is always there, just a breath away and I am happy for that, knowing she is always near, always in my heart. I miss her sooooooooo.

Lorrie - love, love the pic.

Sad, very sad.....I am falling into the dark hole and cannot let myself go there so I will not...I will be strong, I will Listen and I will hear......

To all of you getting the heavy snow...get the comfy clothes out and snuggle in and stay warm.

So very tired tonight but as usual sleep will elude me so I may as well not even try.  I am going to say good night and peace to all, prayers for all and many hugs.  Peace, Kathy

[summergirl]

Terri - I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear friend Traci....your pain so evident in your post.  My prayers are with you, hubby and the family. Please take care of yourself....we are all here for you.  Kathy

[hotrod]

Hi Beth, I understand your fear over the surgery.  I did find if I come here and type my concerns I feel better. Please remember you are not alone and you do have our thoughts and prayers.  I really love seing Zachys beautiful little face when I sign on.

Terrie I am so sorry for your loss.  Seeing Adam's smile warms my day.

Kathy,  I have been dangling over that dark place often.  Please try to rest and know you are in our thoughts.

Leah I am sorry for the real concerns with your daughter and Grand children.  It does appear that problems seem to multiply at times  I am praying for your peace.  It is all out of our control:?

Colleen and Dee and Susannah and Carol and Bonnie stay warm and dry

Trudie and Betsy thinking of you during these painful days.

Marcia  Hope your leg is healing.  Good to see you back

Sonya and Sherry I too love to see the pictures and read the posts  They brighten my day.

Good NIght Indigos 

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[lolynbo]

WHAT IM TRYIN TO SHOW YAL IS A PIC AT KIMMYS BDAY..THERE IS AN ORB BY BROOKE AND JULIA..(I LIKE TO CALL THIS ORB).KOURTNEY LYNN

CANT MAKE IT BIGGER:(

[lolynbo]

HOPE THIS PIC POSTS...US AT KIMMYS 26TH BDAY...ME, BROOKE, VALARIE, JULIE (IN THE BACK) AND KIMMY

OH AND KOURTNEY BY JULIE AND BROOKE

[lostwoher]

 Hey Lorrie, tell Kimmy I really like her Chicago Bears shirt

I see you Kourtney! )))

Lynn

[ericasmom]

Terrie, I am so very sorry for the loss of Traci for you and her family. My goodness, I heard this on the World News tonight, andjust read your post, my heart to you. NOW we know just what is involved in dealing with loss, and my heart is heavy for all you face along with her family. She was driving? Sounds as though she did the work of angels on Earth to be driving those who cannot get around on their own. Blessings Sweet TRACI.

One month after ERi died, my cousin Leala died suddenly. She was 10 years older than me and while she was closer to my sis Eileen, we lhad shared a lot. I was her main babysitter when she had kids. We all lived in a two-flat growing up in Chicago. So we were close. It was swift, a heart attack. A year after ERi died, my friend Marc died, suddenly in the night, heart. That same summer, my friend Tony died, stroke. His kids went to school with mine, knew him since Jon was 5. Then a woman whose kids also went to oschool with mine was killed by a train, which was just amazing to me...how could I know another who gets killed by a train?Trish was a teacher in my same district, we also had known each other since Jon was 5 as her girl Allegra and he went to school together. Her daughter Amelia and Eri went to school together. Since that time, I have lost 5 more friends from various illnesses. With each I mourn and offer what I can to the families, but I caution them as I do you, there is no answer to, WHY. Just as there is no answer as to why we say goodbye to good old friends. All I know now is, she is heading for our angels, and your Son has his arms wide open, like his smile.

[mikesmum]

Terrie - thoughts with the family of Traci Williams.  The news broke here as part of the overview of 'extreme weather' experienced in the US.  God only gives us what we can handle, sometimes there needs to be a recount.  Hope you and yours are able to find strength as you support this family embarking on the journey none of us wants to be on...

Marica - When I think of the time spent in MN, that shopping trip stands out.  Apart from the malls being larger than life, the chocoloate covered everything, the brilliant gifts bought, there is always our private driver Ryan McBryan.

To all buffering the winter weather, pls stay safe.  We don't have snow or ice here so I can only imagine the risks taken to just go to the store. 

 

[mikesmomrs]

Terri:  My heart goes out to you and the family of your friend Traci.  The pieces of the hearts of those who knew her and loved her are all over the place right now...as we all know.  Prayers for her family and the families of those who left this earthly plane along with her.

Dee:  How your heart has been assaulted with the loss of so many close to you...the kindnesses that you extend to so many in your life and those whose lives you touch must be what gives your heart strength to move to the next heartbeat, even when you feel as though there can't be another breath to take...

Beth:  I too have been on the path you are on...the surgery loomed like a knife hanging over my head...my thoughts that comforted me were that if anything happened, I would be with Mike sooner than I had ever hoped.  Strange, I know, but that is where this new path we are on now leads us in our thinking.  Keeping my remaining family in close thought helped to "ground" me and helped me to make it through the fear part, along with knowing that Mike was with me, also...we all hold you here, sending strength and prayers. 

Lorri:  Those orbs always seem to be in the right place, don't they...thanks for sharing the beautiful pic...

Leah:  Sometimes we have to do things that we know in our hearts are for the best, and then sit back and wonder if our hearts are going to break even more when the events start on their course...we can only know that we did at the time what we thought was the best thing to do...holding you in thoughts and prayer...

Betsy and Trudi...these days are enveloping you with memories, hopefully the sweeter ones that help you make it to the next breath, though we all know that the other ones are there, also, tormenting our hearts.  Please, Micheal and Rich, surround your sweet moms with strength and help them through these next days...

Marcia and Trudi:  I use my purse everyday... I think of you both standing there, encouraging me, waiting so patiently, while I pondered the purchase and the expense...left, went back...thanks for the encouragement...I truly love it, and the memories it brings.  Marcia, how did your dad like the case you got with Bethany's nickname for him on it...(I can't recall now what the nickname was, other than I believe it began with a B...), and the bracelet you got, Trudi, I believe it was for Emma...what was her response?

Betty:  Loving, as always, to see Stephen's bright smile. 

Kathy:  Hold on, we are keeping you from falling into the hole...as is your sweet Jessica...

Stay safe, everyone---our roads here are clear, for now...supposed to be in single digits again starting tonight.  I dread seeing our heating bill...although, with our new windows now installed, we've noticed that the heater doesn't run as long when it does come on, and we've had to turn the thermostat down a notch.  Small victories, but grateful...

love and peace, carol  mikesmomrs

[mysonrich]

hello BI, it's snowing again.

 

Sherri, i read your post that told us of Davey and Dash. It reminded me of my thoughts right after Rich died. I was sitting in his kitchen and saw Rich in my mind.When our dog Cole was alive we would take her to a field and play fetch, we would take her down to the river to swim and pay hide and go seek. when i saw Rich after his death he was in the field we use to play in, he was walking away from me, his blond hair shining in the sun. running to him was Cole. she was running across the field to greet  Rich with her dog smile. it wasn't a person that met Rich, it was his dog.  i cry as i write this . I guess i didn't want Rich to be frightened and seeing Cole would make it better for him.

 

Trudi, ((((hugs)))). words fail me right now.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[Guest]

Beth - when is your surgery scheduled?  Being afraid is normal.  Right after Steph died the doctor found a lump on my thyroid and a lump on my cyst.  I had two conflicting emotions.  Woo-hoo I get to join Steph and Oh no, who will take care of my grandkids and my husband.  Turns out they were nothing to worry about.  That had never entered my mind.    I will keep you in my prayers.

Hope you all have a decent day.  It's going to be another cold one for us. 

Stay warm, Indigo's...   (Love the pictures, Lorrie.)

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Betsy:  I love the story of your Rich being greeted by his beloved dog...I am sure that you are comforted by it...bittersweet though it may be.  Have you made any specific plans for Rich's angelversary...some of us have done different things, from setting off balloons with messages in them, to just being quiet and staying by ourselves, just, as Trudi said, "to be."  You know that our hearts will be holding you close on the 18th, right there with Trudi, as you each move through this day of your beloved men becoming angels and moving on to the other side of that veil, while we live for the day that we meet them again...for eternity.

Beth: Like Susannah, I too held that "mixed bag of emotions," when I was told (erroneously, it turned out) that I had kidney cancer.  My very first thought was as she said "Whoo hoo, I will get to see Mike sooner," and then reality hit and I knew that my family would be so hurt---same swing of thoughts, off and on again until four days later when they came to tell me they'd "made a mistake."   Our lives are so different now, aren't they...holding you close in thought as you meet this trial...prayers for you.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[hotrod]

Dear Betsy

It is snowing here in NYC as well. 

Thank you for sharing that vision of Rich with his Dog who was walking with him "smiling"What a wonderful gift you received!!!

Thinking of you and Trudi and holding you both in my thoughts.

Betty

Sytephen'smom

[daniellemom]

Betsy – Thanks for sharing the story about Rich and his dog, how very sweet to receive such a gift.

Dee – Mattie is doing so much better this year! Her teachers are challenging her in schoolwork and Mattie seems much happier and adjusted this year. The teachers are asking to put her in the advanced classes but I’ve decided to wait until next year because 3rd grade will tell the real story I think. James goes back to school on Sunday he is ready and I understand that but we have enjoyed him being at home for 3 weeks. He is so funny don’t know if you remember but last year he finished up his freshman year with a 4.0 and was the number one freshman. So this year he was upset with himself because he has a 3.9 GPA. Sad but true he was really upset with himself and disappointed. I have never gotten on to my kids for their grades as long as they tried. Danielle would come home with C’s in math and we would throw a party! School was never really her thing.

Mattie is looking more like Danielle every day and acting like her too. I will try to post a picture of her later you know I’m not very good at that.

For all the people having bad weather please be safe. Mattie is out today because of ice.

Love to all!

Sonya (Danielle’s Mom)

[shorty16]

My Indigo pals

10.5 inches of the white stuff on the ground.  Drifts and snow piles well over 7 feet here.

I am so glad it is Friday.

Colleen

[arc4ever]

Oh Colleen! That is toooooo muuuucccchhhh snnnnoooowww!

Stay home and be warm.

Terrie (Adam's mom)

[shellbellsmom]

Terri so sorry to hear you are experiencing two close deaths in such a short time....you must wonder how much more of this can you actually take.  Praying for strength for you to get through these dark days. 

Colleen be safe in all that snow...we got some and they made the roads nasty last night, with many accidents...and one involved a young 22 year old man that took his life.  More parents living our nightmares now. 

Betsy what a nice vision you had about your son Rich and his dog....I can picture it in my head like a beautiful painting on canvas.  

Sonya my Michelle was a good student (she worked hard at it) but I knew she didn't really care for school all that much....I think if socializing was a major she would have made that hers. Poor thing died just after her 4th year of college and never got the opportunity to graduate.  Stay off the icy roads....

Wishing everyone a peaceful relaxing weekend.  Sue

[mikesmum]

[user=27668]mysonrich[/user] wrote:

hello BI, it's snowing again.

 

Sherri, i read your post that told us of Davey and Dash. It reminded me of my thoughts right after Rich died. I was sitting in his kitchen and saw Rich in my mind.When our dog Cole was alive we would take her to a field and play fetch, we would take her down to the river to swim and pay hide and go seek. when i saw Rich after his death he was in the field we use to play in, he was walking away from me, his blond hair shining in the sun. running to him was Cole. she was running across the field to greet  Rich with her dog smile. it wasn't a person that met Rich, it was his dog.  i cry as i write this . I guess i didn't want Rich to be frightened and seeing Cole would make it better for him.

 

Trudi, ((((hugs)))). words fail me right now.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

Betsy - My kids had Ruff (the blunder mutt).  They found him on a farm and pleaded with me to bring him home.  He was a working dogs 'illegitimate' pup.  He got his name from the sound he made on the 2hr trip home. "ruff, ruff, ruff".

This pup was trained - three kids, three commands, three treats!  He would lead them through the paddocks on 'hunting expeditions', walk them to school come home and wait at the gate for them.  He was devestated when they went to high school and took the bus. He would howl.  Occassionally he'd be picked up by the local ranger when he went looking for them. 

My memory that evokes the most tears is of grass moving ahead of the the 'expedition' returning with the 'christmas tree'.  Ruff was lead followed by his 'kids'.

These are the memories I need right now.....to overtake those that haunt me.....

Words fail me too - I can't think of one that will ever take away the feelings of sadness we feel.  Just know you are not alone, neither is Rich or Mike....they have a strong following!

Carol - Oh yes that shopping trip.  I loved it.  So much to see, so many shops and delicacies to try!!  I love your bag and the fact that you stepped out of your comfort zone to buy it.  You too Marcia, just to be in that mall, a big step - not to mention Purple Boots!.  Remember our 'limo' driver....such a sweet young man.

Emily loves her bracelet....she is away this week with Mikes old flame Lauren. 

Colleen - I noticed you contacted Nate's family - paying it forward in honour of your beloved Brian.  Strength to you as you connect with another on the journey you found so hard..  Bless you.

Two grandies this weekend, sweet distraction.  Steven is moving into his new home this month so we get to have the Zak man and beautiful Jeya.

Timestamps - I feel most times like I am standing still in a running river.  When I look around nothing much seems changed yet there are signs that confirm the world has moved on.

Since Jan 2007 - Jeya is 3 - she was 4 weeks old back then.  Melissa commenced nursing later that year.  She graduates in March.  Steven commenced his apprenticeship, he completes this in April. 

Its the sadness of the reality that hits hardest now.   Off for coffee, even Granmas need a shot of caffiene to start the heart !

Hey Micheal Shane, a smile, a wink, a hug......'what you doing? talking to you'

[mikesmum]

You know how it goes...pouring over pics to prove your child has so many days in  his life..

Mike in the river

Overnight stays - left to right, Steven, Mike & Melissa

Taken by my Dad - he and Mike would be first up to 'do the garden watering'

My Micheal Shane

What part of 'you have a broken arm don't you get'!! (lol)

Thanks..

[daveydow1]

Betsey-----Your story of Rich and his dog 'Cole' was very beautiful. It

reminds me of that poem "Rainbow Bridge" about deceased pets meeting

their owners in heaven when they come over the rainbow bridge. Our cat,

Brownie,  would not sleep in the downstairs (main floor where Dave's room was)after

Davey passed. He worked the 3-11 shift, and would play with her when he

came home from work. After he passed, Brownie would climb the stairs to

the 2nd floor where the rest of us in the family slept, abandoning her favorite cushy

sleeping chair to sleep on the floor in the upstairs hallway.  Pets seem to have a

 unique "sense" about these things......I really believe this.

Terrie-----So sorry to hear of the accident that claimed the life of dear Traci,

and 3 of the sweet disabled children. Bless them all.

Trudi----Nice pics of Mike, Steven & Melissa.

     Peace & Tranquility to All in the INDIGO family.

                  Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

[lolynbo]

I DIDNT GOT TO THE CMETARY TO DAY I GO EVERYDAY AND I FEEL LIKE A PC OF CRAP  CUZ I DIDNT...I COULDNT GIVE HER 10 MINUTES?

[nicksdad]

Vacationing is over,,,started working out and then the flu....great deal...I think it has been the working out my body is rejecting that idea..haha

Greg...That is amazing that lady would come to you and so nice of her.

I have not read the book "Noticer" but will check it out. The site "Noticer Project" is almost like Mitch Albom's book "The Five People you meet in Heaven"...(very good book)

Mikesmum...the comment of "I wake to a void" is so true...Everyday when I wake up I think about Nick and throughout the day. I think the worst part is at night when I lay there and think about him and then all the questions come.

My wife ordered one of these Windchimes for my sister who lost her son...

http://www.personalcreations.com/whispers_from_heaven_windchime-product-3246-1-214-218.html

The day it came I said how nice it was and to order one for us with Nicks name on it so she did. The next day she was exchanging christmas gifts with her friend and out of the blue the friend got her the windchimb with Nicks name on it. She had no idea that Mary had ordered for my sister, or that she had just ordered one for Nick.

Unbelievable...So she calls the company the next day and explains it to them and ask about changing the name to a friend of hers that lost a son in Florida around the time we lost Nick and the company said "we can't do that, becuase the order was already placed"...But, what we can do is send you the other one anyway and just not charge you... How nice is that.. The picture on their site does not do it justice for how beautiful they are.