Loss of an Adult Child

[heartbeataway]

In honor of all the Indigo Angels (and others) who either succumbed to cancer or, are still battling cancer, I joined an organization called Spirit Jump.

spiritjump.org

I love the idea behind the organization!  Perhaps you will too.

[align=center]The Spirit Jump Mission

Spirit Jump is a grassroots non-profit organization with a mission to provide hope and comfort to the many men, women and children battling cancer. Spirit Jump accomplishes this by providing uplifting cards and inspirational gifts during this most difficult time.

[/align]

[ericasmom]

Good to see you all today, back from my group, it was very nice. I love the idea of the support for Cancer patients Bonnie, what a good use of our energy.

Thanks Carol for the heads-up for Geoff, I sure miss his handsome face, and it seems to me that Val and you Betsy, started right around the same time adn at first I got your Boys mixed up. Could this be so? Same winter angelversarry time just Geoff a bit ahead on the continuum. Betsy, it is good to see you and know that you are getting some grins where you know Rich would.

Love to all,

dee

[summergirl]

Hello all Indigo's - Damien has went home (about 3) and all is quiet in this house.. Tavian is watching Funniest Home Video's with Pop-pop and I am upstairs enjoying a bit of quiet time.  The boys were great, they played, laughed and finally fell asleep about 1:30 a.m., needless to say I was exhausted from just watching them play but they did so well together I did not mind letting them stay up....they slept until 10:30 this morning

Dee - thank you, the flag I know is traveling this world along with all of our Angels. I kind of miss it but I am glad I tool pics of it before I sent it on.  Thanks for the advice on the panic attacks.....they can really mess a person up if you do not know what is happening to you.....    As far as my new resolutions I am taking a step at a time but am determined to make a difference in my life....so much that I know Jessica wanted to do and I cannot let her dreams get lost in my pain......

Trudi  - my heart hurts as I think of you and Mike's angelversary approaching. The days leading up to seems to make the loss so much more acute, takes our breath away to think another year has gone by without our beautiful child, please know that we are all here surrounding you with love, hugs, energy and tears....may your Mike surround you with his love giving you a bit of peace. Always here for you.

Betsy - thinking of you and Rich's angelversary...again my heart hurts when one of us faces a new first and we are lost in our memories and longing.  I remember the first with Jesscia and I was a mess for weeks before the actual day....then the day arrived and it was like someone pulled a plug and all the air left me, the air I had been holding in thinking I would never make it through that first year date....but I did and I did not even have anyone to help me as I had not yet found BI.......my love and hugs to you.    Glad you did not get hurt on your fall and happy you had a great memory and a big smile.......

COLD, COLD and snow flurries all day today, not supposed to get any warmer. I still hate winter....

There are no quads around here where we live as there are no places to ride them. My son loved motorcycles and had one at 16 but there was a place to ride back then, now the young ones have no where. Taivan wants a mini-bike but I am to afraid of him getting hurt and like I said no place to ride.    When we had our first big snow fall a week or so ago I was outside shoveling the mailbox clear and I heard a car coming and alot of laughter....I looked up and here came a 4-wheel drive and on each side of the car the back doors were open and 2 young boys were hanging onto the doors with their feet on the ground "feet sledding"......as they passed I said "please do not do that it is not safe"......they laughed and kept going.....if only they could think past the moment and realize the danger they were putting themselves in!!!!!! 

Bonnie - 3-berry muffins sound great....anytime you want to post the receipe I would love it.

Carol - love the pics - us grandma's can be quite young when we need to be..but the aches and pains the next day make me wonder what the heck was I thinking!! but then I will do it all over again....

Time to get Tavian settled in as school and work tomorrow -  I am soooo happy to be going back to work, enough of staying home and cleaning but I did get alot done.

Much love and peace, Kathy

[lolynbo]

IM HERE MY SISTAS AND BROTHERS..JUST READINN AND BEING QUIET....IM MENTALLY DRAINED AND COULDNT FIGHT MY WAY OUTTA OF WET PAPER BAG...LETS JUST SAY IM NO FUN TODAY OR LATLEY...

LOVE YAL

[ericasmom]

BaCK to school for me tomorrow too Kathy, Tell Tavian that teachers get nervous about returning because we like having no schedule too. OH well.

Lorri, you will feel more energy one day soon, just need to go down the long well till you hit the bottom and then you will climb up again. There are lessons there, things to learn as we go so low, not fun but there are pieces to find that will help you mend your heart. I promise.

Love,

dee

[Guest]

Hi Indigo's.  I see you Lorri.  No need to struggle.  Rest with us.

I just sent Gary to the store for chocolate!  It could be this new hormone stuff, but my body is reacting like it did when I conceived all my babies.  OMG!!  That would NOT be good.  And, it's virtually impossible...considering.....My husband got a little "enthused" when I told him the way my body was reacting...sore (bossom) and all. 

He took that as an invitation.  Silly man!!  They hurt.  I need chocolate. 

His life was in danger for about 2 seconds.

*****

We have all the big boy toys.  four-wheelers, motorcycle, snow mobiles, etc.  My son has a boat and a dirt bike.  After Steph died he said, "Mom, I'm just afraid you're going to be worried every time I go riding, now."

Well....of course!!

But, what I said is something to the affect of "that's my problem.  I don't want you to quit living.  I want you to be careful and enjoy your life!"

I spent the first three weeks having to hear each of my kid's voices every morning and night. (That's something someone who loses their only child can't do). 

I don't know.  I turned into a crazy person around my other kids.  "Where are you going?  How are you getting there?  Will there be drinking?"  My 30yr old daughter patiently answered my questions and then would ask, "Mom, would you prefer I stayed here with you?  I can if you want?"

"Oh, no, no, no...you go have fun.  I prefer to be alone.  But, Call me as soon as you get home!" 

I could win the martyr award. 

I'm rambling. 

Nite all!  Much love!  Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shellbellsmom]

I was so looking forward to this day when all the holidays stuff and all my celebrating was finally over (Jan. 2nd was fathers B-day).  So today is when I thought I could actually breathe again. All the decorations are put away and I am still in a funk...,still lack motivation in life, and now am so fearful of what the future may bring.  

So sick of people asking me...what do you want to achieve/accomplish/ or wish for this new year, and just want to tell them that I do not want anyone I love to die.  Yes, I want to help others and do more with the fight with cancer…but truthfully I am scared to death of what this New Year will bring.  I just wish I cared more.  Am I alone here with that feeling?  I want my old life back...I want to be happy again, I want to experience joy again, I want to have my family whole again....I am sick of crying and being sad most of the time.  The holidays are over and I am still way beyond indigo.

Bonnie it’s a great cause you have joined.  I remember the joy in my daughter eyes when she received cards while in the hospital...she was amazed people who never even knew her wanted to wish her well. 

Trudi and Betsy praying for your strength in the next couple weeks leading up to the dreaded angelversary date.  I hope you fine some peace and get those special signs from your boys. 

Carol you make winter look fun….

Susannah you aren’t the only one that gets nervous these days….my son is probably sick of me calling him to make sure he’s ok, or worrying about him when it’s out and about.  It’s so hard not too….wish I didn’t feel the need to worry so much.  I have always been somewhat of a worry wart but since my daughter’s death it’s out of control.

Tomorrow is a new day in a new week, in a new month, in a new year….wishing everyone the best. Peace, Sue

[ericasmom]

Sue, the weather has not helped you any here. You keep getting swamped with snow and ice cold that keeps us rather house bound. I did not walk outside for my daily for 4 mornings now, went to the gym 3 of them, but  am edgy when I cannot go outside. I could have gone if I super bundled up, but it has been the kind of cold that is really icky. How's that for articulate? Listen, you and Lorri, and Everyone of us feeling low, let yourself feel low. Sometimes the let down after the holidays is also depressing. I know you want your old life back, I get that, and I know that you get that it isn't going to be. That is part of the resistance to another new year for many. What does a new year mean if it is more of the same? Eventually, you make the road ahead more appealing when you start feeling like tomorrow is a new day and that is a good thing. You cannot rush that sense of things Sue. It comes almost as an ephinany to some that their lives need to be lived differently. To some it simply unfolds into feeling more settled and ready to do something new to fill the days. Either way, I do believe it comes when you are ready. Therapy will probably help, I hope so anyhow. As I stated in a post a few days ago, I went back to therapy at around the 4 year mark of Erica's death so that I could learn to deal with some residual PTSD. I was scared of so many things that it was becoming incapacitating. Do talk with your Therapist about this anxiety level.

One thing to remind you all of, when the world is in such flux, with so many anxiety producing news stories, it adds to what you carry. Maybe if you are watching the news before bedtime, stop and watch it earlier in the day so as not to go to bed with added stories that feed the fears. Just a thought.

Love and sleep deeply-

Dee

back t getting up at 5:30. Two to three hours earlier than I have been for the last two weeks or so.

[hotrod]

Good Evening Indigos,

I missed you all so very much  I have only been away since Thursday but it feels like a lifetime!!!

I did get caught up on my reading and cannot possibley respond to everything I would like to but I will say

Betsy and Trudi HOlding you both in my thoughts and prayers as you journey toward the angelday.

Suzannah,and  Dee and Bonnie thanks for your honesty and insight. I admire your clarity and wisdom.

Leah So good to see you back posting.   I am glad you have joined us again.

Sue,  I too want my old life back more than anything but I do have hope that this year I will be able to move forward in a more positive direction thanks to youall (as Lorrie would say)

Kathy, Carol, Trudi Sue Loved all the pictures.

I am tired so I am going to sleep and wish all Indigos a peaceful night  I will update youall tomorrow

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

  

 

[ericasmom]

Betty, so happy to see you here, welcome home. Happy New Year, a brighter one for you.

No sleep tha twas solid, par for the course after a break, so onward to the salt mines.

Love to all,

dee

[Guest]

Hi Indigo's,

Good luck back at work, Dee.  Our kids have another week out.  Mariah begins what's called, "Winter Bridges" today.  A program for kids who have struggled academically. 

Sending good wishes to everyone!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[heartbeataway]

[align=center][align=left]I gave you guys the wrong address for Spirit Jump!  Sorry!

[/align]

The Spirit Jump Mission

[/align]

Spirit Jump is a grassroots non-profit organization with a mission to provide hope and comfort to the many men, women and children battling cancer. Spirit Jump accomplishes this by providing uplifting cards and inspirational gifts during this most difficult time.

spiritjump.com

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Dee and all who are returning to work after the long Holiday my thoughts and good wishes are with you.  Try to take it easy- we all need time to recover.

I have put away all my Christmas decorations and am glad the Holidays are behind me.   

Stephen's long time girlfriend called me last night!!  She was depressed and unhappy and was looking for comfort.

 Since their relationship ended badly, it is always difficult for me to comfort her. but  I do  try since she was important to Stephen. 

 After the call I began to recall the many discussions Stephen and I had over this relationship. and I remember promising him that I would not be judgemental of her in the future.  Last night I again kept that promise.  It was just as hard!!!

I fell asleep and finally dreamed of Stephen  That was the first dream I have had  of him in over a year.  I saw him on a bus with many people and I kept trying to get to him, to get his attention to see his smile, hear his voice but I could not get there and the bus pulled out and I was just standing there  alone.  Today I still feel that emptiness.   It is good to just come here and acknowledge it. I am sorry if this was not uplifting but that is where I am today.

Betty

Stephen'smom:(

 

[ericasmom]

Winter Bridges sounds like a good program, let me know what she seems to struggle with adn I can recommend books or math kinds of things. One website that I LOVE is called johnniesmathpage.com which has all kinds of math on this site for many levels. She can pick and choose or you can guide her into what seems needed. If there is any trouble with reading or for the young ones, starfall.com is a great site.

Thanks Bon for the update.

Betty, you needn't be here each day to lift, some days you are here to be listened to and lifted. Sometimes the lift is simply in the telling. That dream left you feeling the loss, but I wonder too if it isn't reminding you that he knows you are there, he is around, no worries. Sadness though, very understandable.

Me too today, for what ever reason, maybe the moon, maybe cause I could not sleep and I am very tired, maybe cause all these beautiful kids which make my heart happy, also remind me of brevity sometimes. My kids were just this age, a blink and they were adults. So fast.

Oh well, have to go get them from PE. so glad that they have PE today since the windchill is going to require them to stay in.

Love,

dee

[andrewsmother]

[align=left]I don't even know what to write here...I've been reading all your posts, unfortunately I have nothing to say that will help anyone.  Its been 2 weeks and 3 days and I feel like I lost my son Andrew yesterday.  I went to the cemetery for the first time on Saturday, not sure if that made me feel better or not.  I put some pictures of him in the wall of the musuleum and took some flowers.  I also went to the accident site and put some flowers and pictures there, I found a little stuffed puppy that looked like Chewey, my son's dog and left it there.  I find myself going deeper into despair, not coming out of it.  I haven't gone back to work, I just can't do it yet.  It's hitting me hard that he is no longer here.  My son Chris worries me, he doesn't seem to be grieving, however, he had us move his room to the other side of the house, he has a friend that has a terrible family life, and begged us to let him live with us, he says he can't bear to be alone, he tells me he plays the accident in his mind over and over.  Against my husband's original thoughts, we have agreed to let the friend (Dominick) stay with us.  We had our first dinner last night, and it tore me inside to see four of us at the table, Dominick in the place of Andrew.  I have no idea  what is going to happen now.  I'm so irritable at my husband, I snap at him for everything.  I know I need to get better for Chris, but how?  I can barely sleep even though I've been taking medication for anxiety.  I feel like my marriage is coming apart, I have so many things to take care of and just can't seem to get out of bed.  How can this horrible thing happen?  I keep asking but I have no answers.  I know its happened to many others, including all of you but I just feel so alone in my pain, as though no one understand exactly the magnitude of my loss.  People go on living, they go on with their lives, and they expect me to do the same.  My life as I knew it is gone, it is being replaced by this horrible reality that has destroyed me.  I'm pathetic at this point, I know, but this is just how I feel.  These are my thoughts right now, I'm sorry to be so down and negative but I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.[/align]

[align=left]Love,  Rosie, Andrew's mom forever[/align]

[lolynbo]

WANTED TO SHOW YAL SOME PICS...SORRY...BOUT ALL IV GOT IN ME IS PICS...NO WORDS

ME AND KOURTNEY AT HER WEDDING

[lolynbo]

AFRAID OF THE BABY GOAT BUT WENT TOWARDS IT ANYWAYS...LOOK AT HER LIL LEGS AND FEET

[andrewsmother]

She's so beautiful....How did she pass? 

[lolynbo]

ROSIE...I SEEM TO NOT BE ABLE TO HELP ANYONE EITHER BUT IF YOUR SON NEEDS SOMEONE TO TALK TO MAYBE THE FRIEND WILL BE THE KEY...MY SON KODY HE WAS 15 WHEN KOURTNEY DIED..HE DOESNT GRIEVE LIKE US EITHER...BUT IF I ASK HIM ABOUT HER OR IF I START TALKING ABOUT HER HE WILL JOIN IN....I ASKED HIM THE OTHER DAY WHY HE DIDNT TALK ABOUT HER AND HE SAID

"IF (BIG IF) YOUR HAVING A GOOD DAY I DONT WANNA RUIN IT BY TALKING ABOUT KOURTNEY"...I SAID "ID RATHER YOU TALK AOBUT HER AS NOT "...SO WHEN I CRY I CAN HUG MY BIG FLUFFY SON NOW 17 225 , AND HE HOLDS ME AS IM THE CHILD...JUST A HUG HELPS BOTH OF US..

GIVE YOUR SON TIME...SIBLING LOSSES ARE DIFF THEN WHAT WE HAVE...HELL WE DONT EVEN NO WHAT WE HAVE DO WE????

BUT IM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS OF YOUR SON...BUT AS MUCH AS IT IS IM HERE FOR YOU

[lolynbo]

BRAIN TUMOR ITS ALL ON MY PROFILE PAGE...SHE IS/WAS MY BESTFRIEND..

[andrewsmother]

Im so so sorry...what a beautiful beautiful girl you have there.  I hope Andrew and her become friends in heaven. 

[shorty16]

Hello Indigos

About 3 weeks ago, Wisconsin had 4 teens killed in 2 seperate crashes.  I sent letters to all 4 parents; and 3 of them called me back.

These parents are still at the stage of "I cannot believe this happened?"  "Someone wake me up from this nightmare."

Because of the love Dee and others offered me who are longer than I on this journey, I am able to tell them "You are not going crazy."  "Expect to loss everything you set down for the first couple months."

One mother wants to meet with me.  She is suffering and I think I can help.  I must be careful for my own sanity.  One step at a time into this darkness.

One Mother not only lost her only son, but is going through a nasty divorce.  That is tough and I have no experience in that.

I hope I can help these parents, like you indigos helped me.

I will keep you posted.

Colleen

[ericasmom]

I remember some years ago, feeling an amazing sense of life in me when I was able to assist with a family newer to the grief than me. I never thought I would be useful to another in this sad predicament, but I was. Then I knew in my heart the other meaning of this place, the underlying aspect of healing that happens when you give back what has been given to you. It is an amazing cycle that occurs adn it is happening like crazy here lately. Those of you fairly new to this are already helping others a few weeks behind you realize that they are not alone, that the awful sense of losing ones mind is what we all expereince...those sad facts are lifesavers in the long run, those little insights help so many feel connected, feel a place in this new house. I am so proud of you all, those reaching out to say they are scared, and those of you saying of course you are, it is hellious right now. And it is, but I will constantly tell you, that I promise it won't always be as it is right now. It will change and morph over time, but time is needed here.

Rosie, I am not a professional, but right now my immediate feeling is that this friend of Chris' is in need of help but he is in the midst of a broken family right now. The trouble you are feeling with your husband, the fact that Chris wants his bedroom on the other side of the house...four at the table when the ONE KEY PERSON isn't the fourth... I guess that I feel that you all will grieve at your own pace but perhpas another person in the home will not allow this to happen, may put it off and if he is troubled, or has a history of trouble, will your home be where he also shares that? I tend to be a worry wart, and now that you guys have allowed this friend in the home, which is very nice of you, make sure that there are ground rules for him to follow and make sure that Chris has the rules he had before the accident. that requires a lot of you I know, but if he is to feel safe in his home, like his parents are there for him, he needs to have parameters. Sorry, it is the part of me that is too wordy...

Col, how wonderful that you have extended your hand and heart to the other parents, and how cool that they have acknowledged it. I do agree, need to make sure that you don't over immerse yourself to watch out for your heart too, but it is so very kind of you and healing for you.

Love to you all,

dee

[heartbeataway]

Rosie,

Two weeks, three days?  Deep breaths and baby steps!  You are just so new. Everything hurts, nothing makes sense and nobody, no one alive can meet your desires or make you happy. 

It's not possible!

Remember to breathe, drink plenty of water and sleep when you can .....

The pain will get softer but, it's going to take time.

Women grieve differently from men, children grieve differently from their folks ..... give your son what you can.  Allowing his friend was a huge thing to do for him ......

Last but not least, and I've said this time and again, pour out your heart with your keyboard and we will be here listening with our eyes and responding with our broken hearts.

Colleen, 

You go girl!  One grieving Mom reaching out to another ..... precious!

Bonnie, Jay's Mom

[briansdad]

[user=41012]andrewsmother[/user] wrote:

[align=left]I don't even know what to write here...I've been reading all your posts, unfortunately I have nothing to say that will help anyone.  Its been 2 weeks and 3 days and I feel like I lost my son Andrew yesterday.  I went to the cemetery for the first time on Saturday, not sure if that made me feel better or not.  I put some pictures of him in the wall of the musuleum and took some flowers.  I also went to the accident site and put some flowers and pictures there, I found a little stuffed puppy that looked like Chewey, my son's dog and left it there.  I find myself going deeper into despair, not coming out of it.  I haven't gone back to work, I just can't do it yet.  It's hitting me hard that he is no longer here.  My son Chris worries me, he doesn't seem to be grieving, however, he had us move his room to the other side of the house, he has a friend that has a terrible family life, and begged us to let him live with us, he says he can't bear to be alone, he tells me he plays the accident in his mind over and over.  Against my husband's original thoughts, we have agreed to let the friend (Dominick) stay with us.  We had our first dinner last night, and it tore me inside to see four of us at the table, Dominick in the place of Andrew.  I have no idea  what is going to happen now.  I'm so irritable at my husband, I snap at him for everything.  I know I need to get better for Chris, but how?  I can barely sleep even though I've been taking medication for anxiety.  I feel like my marriage is coming apart, I have so many things to take care of and just can't seem to get out of bed.  How can this horrible thing happen?  I keep asking but I have no answers.  I know its happened to many others, including all of you but I just feel so alone in my pain, as though no one understand exactly the magnitude of my loss.  People go on living, they go on with their lives, and they expect me to do the same.  My life as I knew it is gone, it is being replaced by this horrible reality that has destroyed me.  I'm pathetic at this point, I know, but this is just how I feel.  These are my thoughts right now, I'm sorry to be so down and negative but I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.[/align]

[align=left]Love,  Rosie, Andrew's mom forever[/align]

Rosie,

Three weeks is nothing. I was away from work for three weeks and don't think I slept much the whole time. Don't beat yourself up for suffering like you have. It sucks! There is no other way to explain it. Time is your only friend. You will be able to function again. There is no timetable, everyone is different. Read the PM I sent you and you'll understand.

Hang in there,

Greg

[rlolheiser]

Wanted to say hello to everybody, and hope and pray there will be peace this year for all.

Rosie, everybody is right, grieving takes so much time and so many different ways.  Don't put yourself on a timetable take your time for you, if you need to cry do so... I know from coming here that if you don't take time for yourself, you won't make it.  Time even doing nothing..  time doing something your Andrew will like you to do..  I am in a process of still learning with the loss of my grandaughter JaBoa, I keep taking the baby steps that Bonnie tells us to do, and sometimes I fall down.. and it takes a while to get up, but I have always found kind words here on Beyond Indigo.  I am terrible with the names, and I am hard on myself, but the people you meet here will always listen and not one of them will ever think any of your feelings are insignificant...  we are all here to listen and cry together and try to make sense of this life without our children, hold on to everybody's hand and I just know that somehow we will come through this.

I had JaBoa's sister and baby brother here for 2 days.  I am worn out...  what a difference 6 years makes, taking care of this little guy (7 months) was harder than I remember :-) I was so happy to see the kids, wish I could say the same for my daughter, she is so misguided, I still pray that she finds some strength before something bad happens.  Sena was happy here, she got to talk about JaBoa without being reprimanded..  I told here, we talk about JaBoa in the present as she is still here with us.  Raymond and her share their memories which is a joy for me, as sometimes I fear my memories are fogging over.  I don't understand people that won't talk about our loved ones who are gone.. it is history.. it is legacy.. it is honoring them

ok.. I guess I better go.. I have to go to town today as another storm is moving in again tomorrow..  I hate winter...  we are supposed to be in the 20s come the weekend, how sad I am looking forward to 20 degrees :-)...  when we hit 30 I will be elated!

hugs to all

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

[Guest]

Hi Indigo's...

Rosie, it's only five months for me (almost) but I remember saying exactly what you are saying at the exact same time period.  I kept thinking I had stuff to do.  I had to pull it together.  I'm a little more patient with myself now.  I finally believe what everyone is telling me.  Rest.  Be gentle with yourself. 

And, keep pouring your heart out to us!!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Rosie:  everyone here who has posted since your last post is so on target...each one of us was new to this one day...my "day" was Oct 14, 2006...and I have not been the same person since. Neither has my husband, nor my daughters, nor my grandies... We lost our only son, Mike, on Oct 14, 2006, to brain cancer.  Those first days, for me, getting up and brushing my teeth was a major accomplishment...I had to go back to work the Monday after Mike's services.  Come Monday, I was not able to think, could hardly walk about, so I took another week---there was no way I could get dressed and move my feet in a coordinated way).  I dragged myself back and forth, couldn't shop for groceries...I would stand in the store, with the hand basket, just looking at the shelves...sometimes I would just set it down and walk out.  Even going to the store was hell...every time I entered Walmart, my first thought was "what do I need for Mike?"  (Mike did his hospice here and I was his main caregiver).  Those first few months I avoided WM like the plague, and when I finally ventured in, I ventured right out again.  I don't think I got more than 2-3 hours sleep that whole first year, and some nights, none at all.  I still don't sleep many nights.  I honestly don't know how I functioned.  My one saving grace was that we talked about Mike all the time, from the very beginning...we had to; I couldn't let him just disappear into the night...his life was 31 years long, he had 3 children, a wife, a life that touched so many others...we had to keep that memory going.  As, I think it was Trudi here, has said, we can't let that one day define their lives...it was only one day...the rest of their lives that they lived need to be honored, celebrated, thought about, talked about.   I have told others here, but I will tell you also...the one thing that Mike insisted for me was what he told me: "You can't die because I do, mom.  You have to live your life."  (Mike died of brain cancer, so he knew ahead of time that he was terminally ill.)  Those first months after he passed, that phrase kept rolling around in my head, overlaid with guilt because I was not "living my life."  Until my therapist told me that I could "let it go for now."  Of course, I knew this, but needed someone to tell me at that point.  The only reason I kept breathing is because my body wouldn't stop, otherwise, I couldn't have done it on my own.   Time, as everyone has said, time is what it takes, and love and support, and caring and non-judgmental, complete understanding.  The first one, no one can hurry, it has to be gone through, unfortunately.  The last four you will get here and then some...

You mentioned that you hoped that Andrew and Lorri's daughter, Kourtney become friends in heaven...oh yes, dear Rosie, they already are...many of us, if not all, believe that our children led us to this site...there are so many commonalities (besides being a grieving parent) in our children, etc., that have come to light over time...and we feel that our kids do indeed know each other.  Hubby and I happened to be in an audience of a psychic once, and one of the things he said was "Your children know each other, just like you know each other, here."  (I was in a small group meeting of Compassionate Friends---a support group for grieving parents).  I smiled to myself, recalling how many times, here on BI, someone has made that very comment...

Time, Rosie, time...it is constant, it is healing...eventually.  You must, as others have said, take care of yourself, even if it is only getting up and brushing your teeth for the day...  The pain does get "softer"...No, unfortunately, we can't tell you that it goes away; it never "goes away."  But, it does become softer, not so gut-wrenching, piercing, and one day, one day you will feel a smile grow on your face, and even one day, you will hear your own laugh again...(as Dee says, "I promise."  Sounds preposterous to you right now, I know.  We all know, Rosie, that is what is so great about BI-- the sadness of us having reason to be here is evident, but the understanding is reason to rejoice, even if only quietly, in a little corner of our heart...rejoice, in finding this place, in being able to come and just read, or post if you feel like it.  More and more, you will feel like sharing your beautiful Andrew...we all love to hear about each other's children-- pictures, stories, etc.  Some of us have created a memorial site for our child--you may find this much too soon to even think about that, but eventually, if you do, you will find it healing, also.  Creating a memorial site for your son is a way to share him, to write down all the memories that come to your mind, placing pictures on the memorial site...this was very saving for me...I could talk about Mike all I wanted...I just wrote everything that came to mind, and I saw no "raised eyebrows," heard no sighs over hearing his name "yet again," like I did in my everyday life when I would speak of him (though not at home, we speak of Mike all the time at home). 

As for Chris, I do not have any children that age at home, but there are many here who do, and they will share with you, as well, how they cope, or didn't, and how coming here to talk about it helps, a lot. 

I've rambled.  I'm sorry.  It's just that we all want you to know that there is hope...there will come a day when you will see the sun again...Andrew will see to that...

Meantime, know that we are here, we will listen, we will write to you, we will be part of your grief...we will share and thus lessen the pain...We will share and thus increase the joy that is felt... eventually...

love and peace,  Carol  mikesmomrs

I know I've posted this before, but I just love it...Mike and his three boys...ready for the game!

 

[mikesmomrs]

Colleen:  you are one fine woman....you are so good to write to these people...I know they will benefit from meeting with you, or even just talking to you.  I will keep them all in my prayers. 

love and peace, Carol

Marcia:  Are you home yet?  thinking of you...

[zachysmom]

Rosie I started on this path july 18th 2009. There is no set path to travel. It is different for everyone. Noone can decide when you have grieved enough or when you should be ready to do anything but breathe. If anyone tries to tell them to go fly a kite to put it politely or if you choose you don't have to be polite.

For me my path has consisted of constantly wearing a mask. The agony I hide no one knows but me. I held my angel Zach as he died in my arms. If you would like feel free to pm me I am always willing to listen even if you just need some one to cuss at.

Zachysmom

Beth

[daveydow1]

Rosie---As others have said---you are so very new to this journey, that

little can be said that will help you at this point. Oh.....if only there were

words we could say to help....but just know that you can come to BI anytime

to be with people who know  and understand what your pain and sorrow is,

and only wish to help in whatever measure we might be able to.

Kathy---Lovely flags and mementos that sweet Tavian made for his dear mommy.

Lorrie & Colleen----Love the pics.....thanks for posting them.

Kathy (Anthony's mom)---Please come back to BI. It has been a lifeline to so

many of us......no matter what point we are at on this rough road.....but especially

in the very early painful and devastating time. Peace & comfort to you.

Betty---I give you credit for being sympathetic when Stephen's ex-girlfriend called.

As you say....it was his wish that you not judge her. I know how that is......my son

had a girl that was jerking him around (it was early on in the relationship when

he was killed), however....she never called, never came to the wake, or never

contacted us at all, so there was nothing we could say to her to help her. Guess

she didn't need anyone's help.  Peace to you, friend.

Dee---Must tell you of a perfectly lovely sight from our condo window New Years

Eve. All our lights were off, and my husband happened to look out the window

towards the woods surrounding the area to see a sm. herd of deer (all does)

just strolling around the area, with two of them standing very still...heads up

and alert. They were sillouhetted by the street lamp that was behind them. It

had snowed 3 inches of light fluffy snow, and it was clinging to the pines. We

watched until they all turned and walked back into the woods. Lovely sight

to start the New Year off.

             Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

  

[Guest]

Rosie - Stephanie's angel date is August 9, 2009.   So, I'm fairly new to this journey, too.  However, you are saying all the same things I've said and felt.  I was sure I was going crazy. 

Carol - You expressed it all so well!  I can't imagine having to go to work so soon.  Steph died on Sunday, we had her services on Friday, on Monday the school started for the kids and on Tuesday I had to testify in court.  On Wednesday I remember thinking that I was indeed stronger than I thought.  Then I crashed.  Emotionally.

I was at Wal Mart when I got the call to go to the hospital.  Ironically, it hit me hard last week, walking down the isle, I began to cry. 

Walking in to the store and walking out.  Yep.  Done that.  Or I'll drive through the parking lot and just turn around and drive home and Gary goes back for me. 

I don't think I cooked the first two months.......maybe just grilled cheese, soup or mac and cheese.  Gary picked up dinner and brought it home on his way home from work. 

"The only reason I kept breathing was because my body wouldn't stop." 

Well put, Carol!  And, I love the picture of Mike and his boys ready for the game!

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

I agree with Susannah, Carol expressed this time of early grief so well. It kicks you in th eheart over and over, and you do wonder how you could possibly be here still, how can you still be in the same home? the world changes so much, so fast and yet, time just becomes this odd entity, reminding us of when life changed, but not telling us much else.

I remember coming home from Michigan, where Eri died, hit by a train in her car adn lived for 5 more days after that. I felt afraid to leave the hospital where we slept on the floors and gathered with ERi's and JOn's friends all day. I was afraid as this place; as short a time as we had been, became home. This would always be the last place I would see her. The nurses and custodians, the phone operators, the security guards, all became our fellowship. I would sleep on the floor of the trauma unit, me and Michael, Carol, Mike's sister, John my husband, and Jon my Son, and in the morning or whenever, the security guards would ask us if we needed anything, the custodian would ask, "how is that girl today? a miracle maybe?" The operators came to tell us how many calls the townspeople had logged in asking on the condition of the girl. The nurses just surrounded us with care and took gentle care of Erica.

When we did leave an hour or so after Eri actually died, I could not leave the town. I needed to stay overnight in this place that she loved. I hadn't eaten a meal and so John and I went to diner nextdoor to a motel we would stay. We ate, I was hungry and felt guilty for it, felt guilty for enjoying food, the smell, the taste...And I wondered while I sat there in the diner if this was actually my life? Was it me who just lost my daughter? How could I be eating if I just lost my Girl? How could there be laughter in this place, didn't they know that our lives changed so very drastically? John looked out the window and his eyes bugged, "go outside, look at the sky!"

I ran in what felt like slow motion to a spot in the parking lot between the diner and the motel where I could watch the sky tell me a story. It was bright fuscia in some areas and hot pink next to it with bright flamingo in the middle. The sun was setting in such a way that it felt powerful. We stood and watched this cloud form and she was a girl, a large flying girl with arms reaching out adn up, she had long cloud legs, scissored, big feet, all one cloud, with the separations sculpting her, and all around her cloud head were little wisps that stuck up and out of her head, DREAD!

We watched this flying Girl who looked very much  like my Girl, and as the sun set through her body, starting at those big feet of hers, she shone in the brightest sunset colors ever, and as that color squeezed through her body, it bled into  her arms and her large hands as she reached for another giant cloud formation tha tlooked very much like a man. Now I thought that maybe I was hallucinating as tears streamed out of me, watching my girl reach heaven is what i was watching, she was giving me this gift, to let me know that she was indeed reaching heaven...John, who does not buy into spirtual/mystical at all, was standing there crying and pointing, "look now she is touching that man, he is turning the colors." We both saw what we saw, Eri made sure of it. If that was not a special note from my Girl, the phone rang in my pocket adn while sobbing I answered it because it was my sisters adn nieces, they were in Indiana, a state away, back on the road to Illinois, and they said, "Dee, look at the sky, Eri is in the sky..."

Somehow our angels let us know that they are out of harms way, that they are clear and moving forward to the next place. When we watched until all color drained away and only dark blue was left, we searched the sky for any more messages and went in. Turned the TV on for the first time in 6 days, and the first thing on was the weather channel, stating that the next hurricaine of 2003 would be named Erica. There she was again, my little zepher, blowing through the world, taking my heart everywhere she goes.

I rambled like a crazy woman,

Going to bed,

love,

dee

[summergirl]

Hello to all Indigo's...late night for Tavian going to bed, he keeps telling me he is afraid but has no answer as to why...I have to lay with him, hold his hand until he falls asleep, I have been doing that for almost 4 years now....but it does not seem to be getting better...will see what the therapist says.

I applaud all here tonight who have given Rosie the support, comfort, wisdom and the most caring words....I am never suprised by the love that is shown here and I thank God every day for all of you.

Rosie - my goodness girl...2 weeks and 3 days!!! you are more amazing then you think and I know right now you thoughts are dulled by pain, disbelief, horror, nightmares, whys and I could go on and on....I am so sorry that you are here but I am so happy that you found BI...a place no one wants to be but are so thankful that we are.....I believe my Jessica brought me to this site, I believe all of our Angels brought all mom's and dad's here....there is a reason we found BI, to save ourselves and to eventually help save others who walk this road.  I did not go back to work for 5 weeks, I just wanted to die and be with my Jessica but I had her 4 year old son to take care of, yes there were times I did not want to take care of him, times I screamed at the world and all in it because I lost my daughter, I worked myself to the point of exhaustion redoing my house, I was angry at my husband because he seemed to be doing so much better then me, I was angry at Jessica's friends because they still had a future, mad at my friends because they still had their children.....so many emotions go through our mind and soul. You are so very early on this journey my friend so do not expect anything from yourself except to take small baby steps, breathe in and out, scream, cry, get angry but do not give up...we are here and although you are no where near the point of believing that you will survive this you will....listen to those wise ones here and stick with us....you purpose here right now is to just say what you want....no need to comfort any of us as you can not comfort yourself...it is all about you and believe me the day will come when you will find yourself giving comfort to someone here.....you will smile again, the sun will shine and you will find a softness in the loss of your wonderful son. No the pain does not go away, your life has changed forever, your heart will never fully mend but you will go forward and you will go backwards....please know we are here, anytime and our prayers are with you.  I never thought when I lost my Jessica that I would ever see the day when I would smile again but with faith and the support here I continue to move forward.  I am not as wise with my words as many here but I am always here to listen and help if I can.  Do not concern yourself with remembering each of us, we know you and that is what matters right now. Prayers my friend for you and your family.

Dee - had to tell you that I had a dream about you last night...I called you and you answered the phone but could not hear me....I kept screaming your name over and over but you finally hung up.....strange huh????

Colleen - you are a saint to reach out to those parents, I know that you can help them but as you said take care of yourself too....I love your strength.

Lorrie - been there my friend....reading and listening with nothing to say....I know that is hard to believe because I can say plenty....beautiful pic of you and Kourtney. keep them coming....and keep hugging that big boy of yours.....

Time for a little reading and hopefully some sleep...was very happy to get back to work today, busy, busy.

missing you so much my Jessica...I am saying your name..Jessica, Jessica, Jessica....always my daughter always your mom.

Peace and sweet dreams to all.  Kathy

[summergirl]

My Jessica and her little spider man....

[summergirl]

Can't help it...love it and am posting it again!!!

[mysonrich]

how to treat eye after poking yourself with the mascara wand before heading to the Dr;

 

coworker told me of this, it works especially at 3 in the morning.

 

First you should ALWAYS see your doctor who will generally send you to an Opthamologist (eye specialist.) A cold tea bag helps.

• Pour boiling water over tea bag and brew for 2 - 3 minutes
  
• LET COOL!
  
• Then drain a little of the tea out and put the tea bag on your eye.

DO NOT DO THIS without first consulting your doctor!

 

great beautiful girls, Jessica nd Kourtney

I can't type holding a teabag to my eye...off to a better day all

Betsy,mysonRich

[ericasmom]

OW Betsy, let us know how your eye feels today, goodness knows that hurts. How did the tea bag feel? Did you drink the tea? Two-fold purposeful tea.

Sorry I rambled on last night, not sure why the eri-cloud story came out of me, so tired last night and now in the almost light of day, realize I told that one not too long ago, I just ws thinking of you Rosie, and how early on you are in this, and how when I was early on, the comfort I could take was that cloud girl, that hurricane name, letting me believe somehow, that my Girl existed in a new realm, but she existed. I also was trying to make the point of the absolute otherworldly feel this world had for many months after Eri left. Shopping for groceries, talking on the phone, mundane tasks that felt foreign...

My heart to you Rosie, as you let out all that haunts you right now, this is the time in this journey where you just let others take care of you when you can. I know that that is hard, being a parent we are unused to being taken care of but hey, this is all new.

Love,

dee

PS odd dream Kath, I will have to give that one some thought

[Guest]

Dee - I'm glad you told the story over because it's the first time I've heard it.  Wonderful.  I had been wondering if they can send signs through the clouds.  Our family, from Iowa, Wyoming and Utah, keeps seeing heart shaped clouds. 

Time to hit the showers and get the kids up.

Love you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Thanks Susannah, it was a magical and beautiful happening, meant to let us know that she arrived, I really believe that.

Kathy, maybe your dream indicates that I have not been a good listener lately, I will work on that. Love the photos, post them everyday if you like, we love to see Jess and Tav.

Bell rang, have to go.

Love,

dee

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

 

I am feeling much better today.  This journey is certainly unpredictable.  I have learned from you all to just acknowledge the pain, be extra gentle with myself, Let the memories flow, feel the feelings and rest.  That is what I did yesterday and today I am feeling better.  Lorrie I loved the picture of little Kourtney with the Goat  You are right looking at the little feet was so cute.  Carol the picture of Mike with the Boys watching the game is wonderful to see,  He certainly was an attentive Dad!!

 

Dee Thanks for again sharing the about Eri always feel enriched by your vision. Your support here is so very invaluable.

 

Beth I hear you about the Mask and the pain you feel behind that mask.  I am holding you and precious Zachy in my thoughts and prayers

 

 Kathy,  Sue,  Suzannah,Leah , Rosie, Dan  Thank you for sharing your hearts.  I hope you have a safe  day knowing you are not alone.

 

Sherry Great to see Davey's handsome face.  I loved hearing about the Deer outside your window on NYE that was a beautiful gift to start the New Year

 

Bonnie I hope you are doing well I really admire your working with Foster Children.  and Colleen I admire your working with others as well!!  

 

Betsy I do hope your eye is better.  Tea bags are amazing You  and Trudi are in my thoujghts and prayers.

 

Greg Yesterday I spent a few hours fooling around with my computer and cutting a CD?DVD  I do believe my MIC and Computer can handle the project that you suggested.  I do hope we go ahead  

 

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[heartbeataway]

Betty,

Glad you are feeling better today!  This journey is so non-linear.  We never know what direction our emotions are going to take us, eh?

Betsey,

Why were you putting mascara on at 3:30 in the morning?  Thanks for sharing the teabag tip even though I hope I never to use it! :?

Dee,

I LOVE the cloud story!  I could read it over and over.  However, my tiny little brain doesn't remember it ....... maybe I missed the earlier posting? 

I've wanted Jason so badly lately. There have been so many stories of Christmas miracles.  The new Mom who was dead for over half an hour and she and the baby born dead just came back to life.  Who makes these decisions?  I'm ecstatic for the family but why did they get the miracle?

Have any of you seen the movie Avatar?  Did it evoke an emotional response?

Have a good day everyone! 

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[lolynbo]

GOING TO KOURTNEYS KLOSET TODAY WITH MY MOM AND HARLEIGH...(MY HELPERS)....

HAVE A BLESSED DAY EVERYONE...OH AND

I LOVE RAMBLING......SO KEEP IT UP LOVE YAL

KIMBERLY KOURTNEY AND KODY...LONG AGO IT SEEMS:(

[daniellemom]

Rosie,

I’m so sorry for your loss of your wonderful son Andrew. My name is Sonya and my daughter Danielle was killed in a single car accident on October 11, 2007. She was 21 and her brother was a senior in high school. I had people tell me James was not grieving like he should. Kids grieve different. I think that in our case James was trying to take care of me and his father and everyone else and not himself. I finally told James that we were going to get through this together. He didn’t have to take care of me I still had to take care of him. If, I cry he doesn’t have to worry about me because I’m sad and we are all sad and it’s OK if we scream, cry, anything we need to do to get through this together. I started talking about Danielle with James and before long James was telling us stories about Danielle we didn’t even know then we laughed together and cried together.

To everyone – 5 days with me not smoking, whenever I want a cigarette I go get on the Wii fit.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[mikesmomrs]

Susannah:  Oh, yes, I do believe, and I think many of us here do, that cloud signs come...I was on my way to see my very dear friend Rita (we've known each other for nearly 50 years) ---I was visiting her for the first time at a hospice house, as she was in the last weeks of a battle with cancer. ...it was just over a year after we lost Mike, and I was feeling really anxious as I was thinking about her and about Mike, talking out loud to myself about it---also I was on the highway that I normally took when Mike and I would go to a Red Sox game.  I looked up at the sky and saw this cloud and it was with me for over 10 miles, til I turned off the roadway...one thing I didn't notice until just now...on the right side of the pic, just below the middle, is an orb...in the shape of a heart!  Some people say that orbs are just dust particles that are in front of the lens (not!) when you snap the picture...well, has anyone ever heard of a "heart-shaped orb?"   (if you can't see the orb, look just at the top of the tree line, right side, and you will see the bottom of the heart shape... 

oh, yes, we see signs in the clouds...

Dee:  Yes, you have told that story before, but I think it's been a while, and please, we never tire of hearing that glorious story...goose bumps and tears... for your dear Erz, moving to the state of glory and happiness that carries her now, everywhere.  What a wonderful gift for you and John!  and sharing it with us is a gift to us, also.  Lorri has a similar story, of when Kourtney left, seeing the beautiful light that was in the room...another truly beautiful story...still brings tears...thank you so much for sharing.  We all love to hear these wonderful stories of signs from our children...please never stop sharing

I am going today to visit my sister in Massachusetts today, before she and my sil leave for Florida next week.  We are taking them both out to lunch at a really nice seafood restaurant that they like...I know we will enjoy the luncheon, but I know that I will miss her terribly when she leaves for FL.  She is ill with COPD, which has progressed these last six months, and just turned 82, so I hate to see her leave...I guess there is that fear that I won't see her again.  I will enjoy the moments...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

 

[heartbeataway]

983 days .......... 

• 84,931,200 seconds
• 1,415,520 minutes
• 23,592 hours
• 140 weeks
  

Carol,

Beautiful picture!  I believe in orbs!

[ericasmom]

Carol, what a gorgeous photo and story. The heart shaped cloud allowed you to travel knowing that Mike was along for the ride, and that your heart, while shattered and aching, certainly is whole when it comes to the ways you are able to assist others. Such a good heart you own. Thanks for sharing it with us as you do.

I Believe in ORbs too, and while I was orb-light for years, now I have orbs!

Bonnie, the first time I put Eri's death to numbers I was astounded. First by the fact that so sad a time could be counted and described by numbers, and then I was struck with the enormity of them and the knowledge that those numbers would only grown made me ache again in a new way. I thought that one day her numbers that were her life would be less than the numbers that are her leaving. It can be mind boggling indeed. I know that you miss your Beautiful Son so much, and I know that while you may not be seeing a sign that is right there in front of you, I refer you to the backyard where the dog traced a heart in the snow. I do believe that that was no accident, but instead it was Jason, out there running in the shape of a heart so that the dog would trace it. The dog was chasing his beloved Jay. That was his message of love to you and Rich. I also think that with the amazing work that you are doing, your heart and mind are very focused on the child you are dealing with.

I walked this morning before sunrise, it was 14 degrees but I was warm in my extra clothing. I walked across a snowcovered baseball field at at park and stopped to write ERI in the snow with huge letters using my feet. I wanted the sun to rise on her today. I felt good by this simple act.

Sherry, so glad that you were given so nice a New Year greeting. I think it is a sign of a good year. I find that watching the deer is an act of peace in my heart, so gentle these creatures. We could take some very good lessons from them. thanks for sharing

Love

dee

[carriebear]

Hugs to all here at BI.

(((Bonnie))), not a day goes by, I know.

Hey Sonya, way to go on quitting smoking!  I was 3 months cig-free when I got the call about David...I happened to be at my mother's house & had to drive 45 minutes to my house...yep, stopped at the closest store & started right up again.  Not good, but once I get my head right to quit again I will.  Kudos to you, and keep up the great work!

Dee, thanks for sharing the cloud story of Eri's leaving...I remembered the pink sky but didn't know about the dread-locked girl in the clouds, what an amazing sign!

Carol I love your heart-shaped cloud & orb photo and love that Mike was letting you know he was with you.  I was orb-less too...until the day after Christmas.  I've been meaning to share this photo with ya'll.  From the left, that's my sweetie's parents, his brother & gf, then me & my sweetie.  And just over my left shoulder, my Teddy Bear David, reminding me he's always with me, looking over my shoulder.

[Guest]

Hi Indigo's, I thought I'd share an email I sent to my sisters.  I saw the heart shaped orb!!

 

I'm just sad.  Not devastated.  I am incredibly grateful.  We have had so many HUGE miracles.  Manifestations and signs.  I'm tossed between wanting to praise God and sob in grief.  I've always been an emotional person, but this to and fro emotional rollercoaster is more like flicking on a light switch...only I'm kind of stuck in the middle.

 

There is a flicker of light, sometimes bright light.  And there is the deep darkness.  It's not a scary blackness.  It's almost more comfortable.  Except for the fact I can barely function in the blackness, it is a tangible reminder that my daughter lived.  The fact I can feel that searing pain is a reminder that I feel the loss of her physical presence. 

 

Being stuck in the middle of the light switch is becoming more often than not.  It's safe there.  It's not as long a flip from the extreme light to the deep blackness.  When I'm in the middle I'm not deceived by moments of happiness or devastated by moments of blackness. 

 

But, there are times, like today, when the switch seems to have a life all it's own.  Light. Dark. Light. Dark. Light. Dark.     I  went through this right after Steph died, so I'm sure I'm not going crazy...it's just grief.

 

Grief sucks.  I am actually in awe of its power.  It's almost like being thrown into a foreign land.  Everything looks familiar, but none it is. 

 

Things are so much more vibrant and dimmer all at the same time.  My heart sores with gratitude for the tangible signs of the supernatural.........and, then I'm sad.  And, then I'm not sad...and, then I am.

 

Just rambling.  Everything I thought I knew I don't.  I know a lot more than I thought I did.  I know it differently.  I'm stronger than I thought I was.  Stephanie's death didn't harden my heart, it softened it.  I see diffferently.  I don't see all the colors of the rainbow, I see the colors inbetween the colors. 

 

Softening my heart isn't mushy and warm fuzzy.  It's the most painful experience I've every been through.  Hardening my heart doesn't prevent the pain.  It traps it. 

 

So, here I am.  My switch going up and down.....sometimes stuck in the middle. 

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Sonya, 5 DAYS!!! Good for YOU Girlfriend!!!

Kat (Ant's Mom)--may sound strange, but our phone won't call out right now. We have to go pay the bill. Went a couple weeks ago and they said it wasn't ready. So now, I guess it;s ready, b/c they suspended our line till we pay it. It's probably $20. New company, and only way to get the bill and pay it is to stand in line for a minimum of an hour at the bank. Crazy!! NOTHING happens as you think it should here... and I am STILL, after nearly 4 years, trying to adjust to that. I promise I will call as soon as I can!! xoxoxoxo ~Claudia