Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmum]

Two nights of thunderbolts and lightening (very very frightening) now low cloud and cool temps.   This is summer??  I'm not complaining though, last year we went into summer and faced the wrath of the fires - hopefully the moist ground and low temps will prevent the same this season.

Sue - You were meant to be there, if only to hear the message you might otherwise have missed.  The emotional disconnection isn't intentional, its like collateral damage from an experience you never had and never wanted.  Good luck Monday, this might just be a corner in the road for you.  I wish you luck.

Carol - Oh yeah, chicken strips.  If I have Caleb overnight we have a variety of foods.  Chicken nuggets, chicken strips, chicken snitzel - basically a multitude of crumbed chicken in various shapes and sizes.  Oh yeah and ice cream.  This last visit he asked if we could get some chocolate topping "for Mal". 

Isn't if funny, we come  here and talk about the life and times of our kids before and after their leaving.  No one ever says, 'here we go again', aren't you getting over that YET, or "maybe its time you let it go and move on with your own life?".

Today is Jan 2nd, Mike was here.  He spent this day crying in the bedroom.  He didn't eat, drink or speak.  My grown son was broken, his heart shattered by  thoughts of never seeing Harmony again.  I sat as I did his last day, brushing the hair from his face, wiping his tears. 

For those new here, it does get softer, happier memories come easier but there are times that never leave us and those days are hard......

I turn off my computer - the light & energy from this site is gone. Though not physically alone, there is an aire of isolation.

[katant]

As 2009 ended, and 2010 came in, I said Happy New Year Anthony....Hope the fireworks from Heaven are spectacular....  then it hit me.  He is gone, he is never coming back.  I feel the sadness and the heavy heart I have.  Just 3 years and his 21st birthday this thursday makes me think what he would be doing today.  What he would have accomplished.  Would he have a girlfriend, would we be in Italy like we always planned for his 21st birthday?

Carol, I have been told the same thing many times.  You will be fine.  It's time to move on.  It get's easier and you will find closure.  Unless you are here in our shoes, you know, we do not move, we do not find closure.  We are who we are now and trying to find our way through all the crap.  Good and bad.

It's depressing, it's heartwrenching.  I pray for me this year I can finally complete the probate court **** soon so I CAN find a path in my life and to travel is what my future holds.

Anthony and I traveled before his crash and I will continue.  Since his crash, I have only been to Texas to family and Vegas on a trip that friends thought would make me happy...yeah...not so much.  I have great places I want to visit.  I have family in London and Ireland and also want to trace my family heritage to Sicily...i will get there, soon, I hope. 

I am tired today, looking forward to going to the gym tomorrow and work on Monday.  Wish you all a safe weekend.  xoxo  kathy  ant's mom

[ericasmom]

Kathy, I wondered if Anthony was Italian. I too am half Sicilian, and would love someday to go to Italy and take my time traveling the whole country but alas, I have become more anxious while flying, always have been, but worse now. I also am quite motion ill, so I need a lot of meds to fly to prevent the nausea. One of the last times I flew, turbulent and on meds, but sick, actual sick all the way home from NYC. I felt sorry for the guy sitting next to me cause I was obnoxious. I am glad though that you have a plan in you, to continue to travel and take Anthony with you as you visit the places you both want to see. I will hope tht this legal wrangle you are in ends soon, to your advantage, and frees you up to do the things that will make you feel good about the steps you are taking.

Carol, sweet moments with Jamie, so glad that you have so many wonderful kids to share your heart with. They are lucky to have you, I hope you know.

Trudi, this day a few years ago stil held your Son, I understand how that feels to think of dates as you edge closer to the dates that split your heart open. Mike is peaceful now, no more sadness or tears for him. He sees it all clearly and understands. He sees you and celebrates the giant steps you have recently made, made possible by all the nights of no sleep, all the tears that could cause a river to begin, by all the conversations and battles fought, all those millions of steps that have led you to this day. When we look back on days like these, we see the distance we have traveled, and we know then that our Babies are very proud of the work.

Sue, glad that you had the talk that you did. I find amazing that a woman you have known for this long has never let you know that she lost a brother, that she felt abandoned. It shows how very buried some people keep their aches, buried and never brought to the light of day to be held up and looked at, discussed. So many people keep death as far away from their minds as possible, too painful. As far as how you feel you may have checked out, we all do to some extent those first years, in order to survive we kind of just go through the motions, which is why so many marriages collapse under the weight of all that is unspoken. I think it is imperative for most to go to therapy or a group of some sort to prevent the isolation that can occur for each age human in the house after a loss. yOur Son was at and still is somewhat, an age that will probably allow him to grieve later on in his life. so many young people simply cannot allow their grief when their parents are far away in their own grief, with the added aspect of who they are at that age when they expereinece the loss of a sibling. Teens cannot risk (many of them) falling to pieces because they really don't know who they will be or if they will be the same boy/girl that they were when the event happened. Teens are very different grievers. I am so glad that the woman said that until they went to therapy, they didn't feel like a family or operate as one. Food for thought. Enjoy the quiet and know that as  you go along, Shell is very proud.

I think that is something Everyone should take with them into the New Year. Your Child, Our Children are rooting for us to make it, to find the pace that we can happily live our lives, and while 'happily' sounds almost vulgar right now, there is happiness for you in this life. It isn't today perhaps, but one day there is happy again. Promise.

Love and hugs,

dee

[nicksdad]

This is the first nite we are back and I got to go see the lights. We put candles at Nicks place (battery) along with 8 others for ones that we see there all the time.. We also have "solar" lights on the cross to the right and it outlines the cross. It came out real nice at night.

[ericasmom]

Dan, it is gorgeous, lit by love.

[summergirl]

Hello Indigo's - I tried to come on late last night but for some reason could not get on.

I have a very disappointed Tavian on my hands, his play date/sleep-over did not happen....he waited all day, we called a zillion times and finally went to Ashley's house to see if all was ok.....she had forgotten that Damien was to stay at his grandma's tonight so he will come tomorrow instead. Tavian cried for about an hour, no consoling him....I tried to explain to him that there are times when things do not go as we want and that we get disappointed but that he should be happy Damien is coming tomorrow.  He finally calmed down......I guess the fact of the anticipation, set his tent up in the livingroom, had their snacks and dinner all figured out and what games they were going to play that made him more upset then usual.  So, crazy as it may sound Tavian and I ended up having a meltdown together......we were both crying, hugging each other......maybe we both needed a really good cry if that makes sense.   Anyway....Damien here tomorrow so he will be happy....cannot say as I blame him as it is hard on him to be here all the time with me and pop-pop....me at 53 and pop-pop at 54....cannot play like the kids.    I have many friends who have children Tavian's age but they are all younger then Barry and I so we are not included in alot of the things they do together, which I understand as we do not really want to do some of the things they do so it is diffacult to find playmates for him.   I have tried getting involved with his school but then again the same situation, all the young parents.  I feel so bad sometimes but that is what happens when you are thrust into a situation like ours....there are many out there doing the same thing so I cannot complain but could sure use a little advice for all of you....

Tavian, Barry and I stayed up and watched the ball drop and then we all fell asleep. Tavian was very excited and a bit overtired so his eyes did not want to go to sleep 

Leah - it is so nice to see you back here my friend, no worries, there are times all of need to take a break from everything including BI....times when I come here and can read and post, others I read and do not post as I feel as though I have nothing to say or contribute to those here. We all have times of blackness, moreso for those new to this site....I am here over 2 years and the pain and heartache I feel when I welcome a new one is sometimes more than I can stand, I want so badly to help and no that all I have to offer are my words and I am not so good at that. We are here.

Dan - absolutely beautiful, what a peaceful place.....the lights shine to the heavens for all our Angels to see.

Trudi - thinking of you my friend as the days ahead come at you, the last days with your Mike, the memories, the longing, the wishes.......so wish I were there with you to take a walk on the beach with you and Muttley, to talk or to just be.......

To all of you, you are in my prayers and thoughts as are all of our Angels...I may not post directly to each of you but I know you all......

Sleep peacefully and dream sweet dreams.  Kathy

[heartbeataway]

I turn off my computer - the light & energy from this site is gone. Though not physically alone, there is an aire of isolation.

Trudi,

I don't understand ......

Dee,

Yes, GG is still with us.  I'm not sure I'm cut out for this ......

How can kids spend hours on the phone and not talk?  Seriously, the music was blasting from the TV, she sat and sang along, etc ... and every once in a while, I would hear, "are you still there?"

We had a call tonight from a Mom who in a very unfriendly tone demanded that we keep our daughter from calling her daughter starting "s**t". 

When I asked about it, it was, of course, the girls fault.  She didn't do anything ....

We actually unplugged our phone and let her think we were having phone problems because she was literally sitting with a rolodex that she brought with her going through it making calls. 

She mentioned that she had been dialing *67 to block our number so they wouldn't know who was calling.  Why would you do that?  Does anyone know if *67 costs?  We may be in trouble when our bill comes!

I could go on and on  ......

I didn't expect and knew we would not get perfection or have no challenges but I did not expect every day to be a challenge!

[rlolheiser]

Happy New Year my Beyond Indigo friends!

Thank you for your kind words, Dee, Carol, and Susannah.  It is good to be here, it was really lonely away. 

I didn't do anything last night, didn't stay up, cause I knew I would be up by 3 anyway so I slept while I could.  Midnight is far over-rated anyway.

My husband and son went up to his families home.  I guess it is just something I have to live with.  They came in at 3:30, I felt hurt but I kept my temper.  I didn't think the little guy should have been out that late but it never happens like that.  His cousins had taken him to town to the all city party at the recreation center, there was supposed to be skating, but no skates his size so he had to watch.  I know I can't make changes to people, I wish it were that easy.  I just have to adapt my life to what I can handle, and I suppose it is a learning process.

Wednesday when I drove to my old hometown, I passed the accident site where my JaBoa became an angel.  I was so surprised to see her little flowered cross still up.  I had placed it right after Thanksgiving.  We had quite a bit of snow, I figured with the road graters it would have been lost, I saw it waving at me in the wind and I felt warm, and thought of my strong little girl and she kept her memorial in place through the difficult weather (of course some nice county person might have moved it and put it back in, but I like to think the other)

Dan that is such a beautiful site, it says love all around it.

I am trying to have a more positive attitude, with the New Year.  I know I have to lose weight and pray to God he helps me do so.  It is hard on my own, today I did ok, I hope tomorrow I do better.

My little guy fell asleep, guess I better go put him to bed... maybe I will call it a night too.

As always my thoughts are with you..  your angels.. along with hopes and prayers.

Leah/Jaboa's grandma

[shorty16]

Bonnie

Is that telephone service the one where you can get the number of the last incoming call?  If so, I think it does cost.

Hope not too much

Colleen

[lolynbo]

SO I GOT MY WII FIT PLUS TODAY...IM A LIL DYSLEXIC SO I TRYING TO DO THESE TASKS...AND MY WII AGE SO FAR IS 50, 46, AND 60.....I SO SUCKKKKO. AT ALL THIS TECH STUFF...IM ONLY 46 IN REAL LIFE...MENTALLY WHO KNOWS..

TRYING TO READ THE POSTS SEVERAL TIMES  A DAY BUT HAVE HAD COMPANY...I WILL CHECK IN AGAIN TOM..

NIGHT ALL GONNA POST KIMMY NYE PIC..

[lolynbo]

KIMMY AND KODY AT MY BROTHERS HOUSE CHRISTMAS DAY...

[lolynbo]

LAST ONE KIMBERLY AND CODY NYE..09'

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, I'm so sorry to hear it's been difficult every day for you with GG there. I kind of wondered when you first mentioned about her having problems at the foster home... We hear the occasional horror story about foster families being the issue. BUT, most times the issues are because the kids themselves are high risk for social problems and the family isn't equipped to deal with some of those challenges. It sounds to me that GG is taking advantage of your sympathies. I believe you have to put your foot down...NOT with deception and telling her the phone is not working properly, but stepping out of your comfort zone and addressing discipline. RULES for your home!! Limited phone use and TV, homework a priority, respect, asking permission for things and recognizing that being in your home is a privilege and NOT a right for her to do whatever she wants. It will be hard and she will likely have a fit. But hold your ground. The only way to break the cycle of her bad habits is to reprimand and demand something different. I feel badly for you, AND for the other foster family if they are getting a bad rap because this girl cannot respect the rules of others' homes and property.

Dee, I can't go much of anywhere around here by car or plane without taking Dramamine religiously. I hate being medicated, but hate worse that lingering sick feeling when I don't medicate. The mountain highways in this country wind like ribbons in addition to undergo continuous altitude changes. And the country roads, well, some of them are just dirt or rock, or a grass path that has holes and roughest terrain. Ugh.. Your travel story is all too familiar with me.

Trudi, I understood what you were saying to mean that when you have your computer on and BI at close reach (us), then you feel the security of your life line...like a blanket. BUT, when your computer is off and BI is not close at hand, you feel short of oxygen. Did I interpret that correctly??

Well. It's nearly 9:30 pm here. I'm heading to bed... really tired tonight. I haven't heard a word from Patrick, and this will be the first time in over 20 years I've not had a New Year greeting from him. It may not seem like much, but it certainly has made the silence I feel from Joey all the more deafening.........

Love to all!! Nite. ~Claudia

[summergirl]

Bonnie, I agree with Claudia with all my heart. It must be so diffacult when you want to help someone and they take advantage of all that you do (I know first hand with my son as you know). I have found since I have started the tough love it has brought me more peace, I have made the rules and I am sticking to them no matter how hard it is and how much it breaks my heart at times.  How hold is GG?? Yes, they can be on the phone for hours and not say anything. My friends daughter never goes anywhere without her phone, it makes me crazy....she was driving one day with her mom and I in the car and she started texting....I spoke up and told her as long as I was in the car there would be no texting or talking on the phone while SHE was driving......as far as using the *67 to block her name when calling I do not know whether that cost or not....should check with your phone company. I am praying for you and I hope that things get better with GG.....you must do what is best for you and your husband....thinking of you.

Lorrie - the pics are beautiful.  Don't feel bad about the WII fit, before you know it you will be FIT and doing great. I am sure my first "age" would be about 80...let me know if it gets better and I may just buy one.

It is 11:14 and Tavian is still going strong....better get him back into a routine as he is back to school on Monday.

Love to all Indigo's.....Kathy

[mikesmum]

[user=16030]4everjoeysmom[/user] wrote:

Trudi, I understood what you were saying to mean that when you have your computer on and BI at close reach (us), then you feel the security of your life line...like a blanket. BUT, when your computer is off and BI is not close at hand, you feel short of oxygen. Did I interpret that correctly??

Well. It's nearly 9:30 pm here. I'm heading to bed... really tired tonight. I haven't heard a word from Patrick, and this will be the first time in over 20 years I've not had a New Year greeting from him. It may not seem like much, but it certainly has made the silence I feel from Joey all the more deafening.........

Love to all!! Nite. ~Claudia

Claudia - Its like while this site is up and I have a connection to those who get it without explanation I am sort of okay.  When I log off and step away its like the safety net has been removed and I free fall in what can be a foreign land. 

I am so sorry that you haven't heard from Patrick.  Its like another blow to the heart.  Melissa and Steven didn't call either.  Both did today, moreso to organise child care than anything else. 

Bonnie - It does sound like a lot of these 'foster kids' have no boundaries for whatever reason and might view being with you as temporary so what the heck.  The differences between the time you raised Jay and now are enormous even without the added impact of some of the issues these kids bring with them.  Hope you remember to look after you. 

Today  marks the 6th anniversary of the loss of two paramedics from our town.  Phil & Rob were on a lights and sirens job along the winding roads out of town.  My squad was dispatching.  The only information we had was an ambulance had run off the road into a tree.  Nothing to identify if it was Metro or Rural.  Then at 3.05pm confirmation that the Healesville ambulance was found, there were no survivors.  Phil left 5 kids, Rob a teenage son.  Its a hard day for Mal.  He was on leave and heard thru the emergency service 'grapevine' about the fatalities.  He spent that afternoon till 1130pm at the crash site.  He then spent the next day with the families and colleagues of both men giving them support.    Another day we shared that we would sooner have not happened.......Thoughts & prayers for Phil and Robs families.  Thoughts for my other half who has his own grief demons to deal with...

Sunshine here now....walking the Muttley Dog.  Home cooked spagetti for dinner with a glass of wine.......Nite my BI light line...

[ericasmom]

Claudia, I would not be able to handle the winding roads well, as I get older, my inner ear stuff gets worse, I  had one bad bad case of vertigo many years ago, my ears were messed up, went to the ER but they never checked my ears, they decided I had food poisoning, which I was sure I did not have but was too violently ill to explain. So my eardrum burst a week later which was really weird. I was teaching math, my allergies were really bad, (spring) and suddenly a pop, blood running down my neck, and suddenly everything I said, echoed and was heard again adn again as though I was in a mountain area. It was icky. So anyhow, I am a chicken traveler to begin with and age is affecting my weaker points.

I am sorry that you did not hear from Patrick. I know that it must make the silence even more pronounced and I am sorry. I will pray that your Son finds his balance and is able to realize the weight of his decisions.

Trudi, Claudia said what I was thinking as well, and then you confirmed it, that once I shut the old communicator off each night, I am without the hands of all of you. But we are always a button away.

Bonnie Dear, I think that one thing the people that prep foster families don't do is paint an accurate picture of where these kids have come from, and what they are known to do. I have gone to two seminars on the face of foster kids as we have many that come into the Oak Park Schools as they are in between placements or are emergency pull outs from their homes. SO many of these kids have seen the very ugliest side of humans, so many have been let down over and over by the adults in their lives. Rarely do these kids come into a new situation and not try to manipulate it, rarely are they able to show appreciation or care as it is dangerous for them to care. Often they have had several settings that have taught them that when they start to let down the defenses and begin to care where they are and for the humans trying to give them a life, they get pulled and placed back in the abusive home again, or pulled to a more permanent setting. The honeymoon period for GG sounds like it was very short, that one night she was giggly and then she started her stuff. The other thing that many are not told is that many placements are kids that have been diagnosed with personality disorders, or are bi-polar, or any number of issues that are of great importance to the adults that receive them. I was told by some of the people that work with these kids as they are being processed into the emergency foster home that houses about 20 kids on a longer term basis, that some of the truth of the children is hidden because they have been through so many places the paperwork does not always get filed correctly or for some reason, just disappears.

I could not do the job of fostering, and I do admire your effort, yours and Rich's. You do need to follow your heart here, if you feel you only want to deal with children that are anywhoerre between 3-7 then tell the people in charge. As far as boundaries, even the little ones will have very little, but their behaviors are a bit more manageable. I sound like an old bitty saying that girls like GG cannot be helped so don't bother. I am not saying that at all, I am forever grateful to those who open their homes and hearts to kids that need a place to live, but I just wish the agencies were real straight-forward about who the Child is, what the characteristics of the child, fears, tendencies, strengths, weaknesses...Anyhow, thanks for doing the work of Angels right here on Earth.

Beth, one hour at a time some days. Dont' push to figure it all out today or tomorrow. Let some of the pieces fall into place taking care of yourself and the Little Guy as you do so.

goodnight Everyone, with love

Oh Lor, Kim looks beautiful, love her jewlry and her pretty self. Kody is such a Teddy Bear. Love his little smile.

[Guest]

Hi Indigo's!

I deleted my post about being raised in foster homes because I realize I wasn't really offering a solution.  And, I don't agree with a lot of what I said.   

Kathy - Our situation is a little bit different.   Because of what the kids have lived through, we don't allow them to spend the night at other people's homes.  To be fair, we don't allow others to spend the night here.  Except for cousins. 

I'm slowly getting to know some of the parents of the children in their classes, but I haven't even allowed them to go to their homes.  Our kids social skills are a bit warped.  And, they still act out, occasionally.  I don't want to put them or other children in that situation.

We take them to "Kid's Works" to play with other kids.  The owner of that care center is very familiar with my grandchildren's situation and she is trained to deal with whatever "surprise" might arise. 

Gary and I have basically isolated ourselves with the children until we feel more comfortable.  8 yr old Mariah is awful in public settings.  There are exceptions, but basically she turns into the tazmanian devil.  7yr old Jasmine has no physical boundaries.  We have to constantly watch her.  She will go up to a complete stranger and hug or kiss inappropriately.  And, she is the one that will hurt the baby or animal.  There are no social problems with Jonathon.  He has just recently found his voice.  When we got him he rarely talked and kept his head down.   Now, he speaks right up.  His counselor asked me how Jonathon was doing with being a conformist.  I told him we don't have that problem anymore.  To which we both laughed. 

We had them for about three weeks, when Jonathon announced from the back seat of the car, "I'm mad at you, Grandma!"  I said, "Okay."  He said, "Am I in trouble for being mad at you?" 

"Nope."  I told him.  He sat back quite proud of himself.  He practiced being mad at me a lot after that with no consequences.  He just needed to know I wasn't going to beat him and that I still loved him.

Now, he practices openly defying me.  I choose my battles.  And, thank God for Time out!

Gary and I've read a lot about attachment disorders.  Plus, we have the best therapists working with the kids (and us).  I suppose me being raised in foster homes helps.  I don't panic when they hate me.  I don't panic when they express themselves inappropriately....I just change their direction.  And, I always assure them I love them.  So, we are firm, consistent and loving. 

Well....I sure am rambling.

Love to you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Sus, well put and very helpful knowledge for Bonnie, from the mouths of Babes. You are the Babe. I have known kids who have gone through many placements, I have seen the ways they hurt. I was sexually abused my whole life at home, but it was never known, so,I remained. I understand the mind of young ones who ache and mistrust. It isn't easy.

Thanks for sharing your story, it allows me to know the Kid inside of you, and the strength you developed.

Loving you all,

dee

[Guest]

Dee - I changed my post before I read your post. 

I changed it because I painted myself as a bad, ungrateful kid and the homes as wonderful.

And, the truth is, I was a good kid!  And, the homes were good homes (except for that one) but they were not prepared or trained to help me.

I'm sorry about your own childhood, Dee!  Just the other day I was talking to the girl's counselor and we were both expressing our heartbreak over all the abuse, neglect and sexual cases happening in our community right now.  I'm sure you see a lot of it in your line of work.

How to stop it!!?  To stop child abuse we have to help the parents.  The problem is so many parents don't want to be helped.  So many are in denial.  So many turn to drugs and/or alcohol.  Then, all bets are off. 

When I was a child, no one talked about it.  In foster homes, no one wanted to hear about it.  I was 15 the first time I ever attempted to talk about my family and the abuse.  I was shut down quickly with "that never happened, and we never want to hear about it again."  I remember standing there wondering what did happen to me, then?  And, hating them for not believing me.  I never attempted to talk about it again until my 30's.

It's a vicious cycle.  We have to save the children.  But, we have to heal the adults, too.  Hopefully, Gary and I will make a difference in my grandchildren's lives. 

[hotsauce]

happy new year to EVERYONE here at BI.

good morning to ALL, i hope EVERYONE'S holiday was safe and pleasent.

don't have much to say, just that i miss my angel BRIAN.

eight mos. and it still feels like yesterday and then it feels like it never happened. does that make any sense?

hope EVERYONE has a good weekend.

mary ann                                                                                                                        

BRIAN'S momdukes

[shorty16]

Indigos

WOW 2 degrees in WI.

Sun is shinning - Sky is clear - Wind Chill is -23 - OH what a beautiful Day.

Keep warm.  I plan on being a lounge lizard.

Colleen

[ericasmom]

Hi Mary Anne, it makes sense to us, we have all felt those same thoughts, that it was a million years ago, that it was yesterday, that it was not real...time took on a very surreal nature and really stopped making much sense to me. Still, after this many years, time is odd. I will remind you that even though time is odd, it does pass and cause other things to happen that allow you more freedom in your grief, if that makes sense. Freedom to talk about your Child to others, to say what is in your heart. It matters.

Susannah, yes, abuse was never spoken about ever. So when Oprah began talking about the lives of those abused many years ago, my sisters and I were completely energized by the words of our lives being spoken on TV. That the cat was out of the bag, victims could finally speak, that there were words that have definitions that define what happened to us. I don't watch Oprah anymore, but I celebrate what she has allowed in this culture; freedom to say where you have come from and freedom to find help. Thank Heavens and Oprah for that.  Liberation. When I was 12 I went to the library and looked up a word I thought might mean what happened to me; incest. I remember the tears on my cheeks that day, hidden in the back of the row with a dictionary looking up incest. I cried because it meant that there was a word for what was going on. I was happy of that, it meant that others ahead of me were somewhere out there, and one day I would find them. Yes, I see many kids who have dealt with all sorts of abuse, and my antennae are pretty good at picking them out. I believe the place we must begin is with very young children, teaching them to say NO if someone is hurting them, teaching them to reach out and tell an adult that they trust if they are being hurt by someone, even if it is someone they love. As far as helping the adults, if it is sexual, I have little faith that they can be helped, many of them sociopaths, but if we help the kids when they are young, we may be able to redirect the way they would have lived their lives. I have no doubt Susannah, that you and your husband will indeed help those Grandies of yours. It is a good, good thing.

Colleen, it is icy cold but lovely sunlight. I think it is 8 degrees here, but hey, typical January in Chicago.

Love to you, dee

[Guest]

I had two experiences today that evoked different reactions.  Odd, I think.

1st - at my "maladjusted people's meeting", otherwise known as AA, someone asked me how many children I had.  "Four.  Three still living.  My daughter died last August."  I was completely uncomfortable with his sympathy, even though I know it was real and I would have been upset if he just blew it off.

2nd - at the grocery store, I ran into a dear friend.  It was the first time I had seen her since before Stephanie died.  She hugged me and offered her condolences, again (she and her husband sent a card) and we talked for a bit.  I was not uncomfortable with her at all....even in a more public atmosphere.  Weird.

Dee - so many children are afraid to speak up.  And, often saying no puts them in more harms way.  My grandchildren had been severely threatened if they ever told.  Mariah still lives in fear of retribution.  I'm so grateful for teachers like you!  Ultimately, it was the principal who screamed loud enough and often enough to save my grandchildren.  We owe their lives to her. 

I hope each of you have a nice day. 

Much love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[nicksdad]

Valerie & Keith I hope you felt Sean's presence today as well as every other day....

[Guest]

Beautiful, nicksdad! 

[heartbeataway]

Susannah,

I would appreciate any advice or just insight into your views of foster care.  Maybe PM me?

GG left this morning.

I went to the mall shortly after.  I was surprised to see her current foster Mom.  She quickly told me that they lost GG.  ?????  She wanted to go to a friends house after they left the mall and she was told no.

So, she started yelling and got really upset.  She was beyond reason and was telling them they never do anything for her.  Foster Dad took her arm and said yes, we do a lot for you but you're not going to anyone's house today.  She pulled her arm away, started yelling that he was abusing her and ran away from them.

I helped look for a while but in the end the local police, county sheriff and mall security were involved.

I heard later that she accused Foster Dad of shaking her by both shoulders while he called her a b*tch.

If you knew this couple, you would have a hard time imagining that happening!

We do have house rules but knowing that she was only going to be here for a few days we didn't think we would have to enforce any.  Little do we know!

We are living and learning this process the hard way! 

It's bitter cold here and the wind has been blowing something fierce all day!  I've been so tired.  I think I tried to sleep with one ear open while GG was here and the lack of rest is catching up with me.

I am not looking forward to this new year.  I don't feel there's really anything to look forward too.

I guess we'll find out how the lawsuit is going to proceed.  I know that Dad will not be here much longer.  We also found out that the uncle Rich was named after was just diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer.  He went from diagnosis to hospice in 12 days.  They decided not to do chemo or radiation.

We had folks in for New Years dinner.  So, we did all the things we vowed to do this year.

We had a tree, put some outdoor decor up, did our charity thing, and entertained. It's over ......

I need to go and finish my paperwork for GG's stay with us.  Hope everyone gets some rest tonight!

Rest for the journey,

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[Guest]

Are you guys sick of me today?  I know you'll say no or are too polite to say anything.  I'm functioning, but I feel like I'm back where I was four months ago.  My thoughts are to and fro, raw emotions kept hidden just below the surface. 

Is Stephanie really dead?  How did it happen?  Why did it happen?  It's easy to take myself back to that day.  The day that only happens to other people.  I willingly go there, now....it's my connection to the here and "there".  I have to force myself away.  I'm afraid of falling into the space I was when I found you all.  Such a dark hole of an existence.

It's not even with shock that I remember now.  It's almost awe.  "Wow!  That really happened."  It seems like a scene from a movie.  With badly scripted actors. 

It's one of those times I wonder if I'm losing my mind.  Recalling the most horrible day of my life with amazement instead of pain. 

And, then the emotions get closer to being exposed, and I safely push it back to the recesses of my brain so I don't fall apart just before our company arrives.

Thanks for listening.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[briansdad]

[user=19401]heartbeataway[/user] wrote:

Susannah,

I would appreciate any advice or just insight into your views of foster care.  Maybe PM me?

GG left this morning.

I went to the mall shortly after.  I was surprised to see her current foster Mom.  She quickly told me that they lost GG.  ?????  She wanted to go to a friends house after they left the mall and she was told no.

So, she started yelling and got really upset.  She was beyond reason and was telling them they never do anything for her.  Foster Dad took her arm and said yes, we do a lot for you but you're not going to anyone's house today.  She pulled her arm away, started yelling that he was abusing her and ran away from them.

I helped look for a while but in the end the local police, county sheriff and mall security were involved.

I heard later that she accused Foster Dad of shaking her by both shoulders while he called her a b*tch.

If you knew this couple, you would have a hard time imagining that happening!

We do have house rules but knowing that she was only going to be here for a few days we didn't think we would have to enforce any.  Little do we know!

We are living and learning this process the hard way! 

It's bitter cold here and the wind has been blowing something fierce all day!  I've been so tired.  I think I tried to sleep with one ear open while GG was here and the lack of rest is catching up with me.

I am not looking forward to this new year.  I don't feel there's really anything to look forward too.

I guess we'll find out how the lawsuit is going to proceed.  I know that Dad will not be here much longer.  We also found out that the uncle Rich was named after was just diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer.  He went from diagnosis to hospice in 12 days.  They decided not to do chemo or radiation.

We had folks in for New Years dinner.  So, we did all the things we vowed to do this year.

We had a tree, put some outdoor decor up, did our charity thing, and entertained. It's over ......

I need to go and finish my paperwork for GG's stay with us.  Hope everyone gets some rest tonight!

Rest for the journey,

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

Bonnie,

With all the crap in your life I have to admire you for being willing to deal with foster children. You get a big atta boy from me!!!

[heartbeataway]

Thanks Greg,  it's a diversion if nothing else.

GG and her friend.  Not sure what they were doing!

Rich - he was playing laser light with Jackson

Gg and friend - Happy New Year!

Little Connor and Jackson, his "friend"

I like this picture of Jackson.

Once again this is upside down, but it's the heart that Jackson made in the snow. At least its a heart to my eyes.......

Gg standing at the upstairs balcony.  She was upset about something, not sure what ....

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, I see the heart. Jackson drew it to let you know that Jay is around you all.

I used those same words today to explain to a friend about what you are doing, (did not use your names just the situation) that I would have to sleep with one ear open while parenting a child as you have. I thik what is cool, besides the fact that you guys are doing this, is that GG and any other kids will one day remember your home, your generosity, with a sense of appreciation. So as Susannah said, there is no way that at this age kids can really understand that what they had with you will unfold again later in thier lives when they are able to look back and see what good things have occurred in their lives. I know with my Little Betty, the little one that I mentored after being her teacher...she is 22 now and very able and aware of those events in her life that allowed her to feel hope. You very well will be that for GG. A home where there is love and communication and care.

Your home looks incredibly pretty Bonnie.

Sus, the reactions you are feeling have a lot to do with layers, thin veneers of shock wearing off. I know that whenever I felt as you are today, it seemed to be that another layer wore away, layers that I did not know I still had around me. AFter the initial wearing away of each layer, there was a time of feeling raw again, as though things had just happened, like I was splayed open all over again. By the first years end, the frequency decreased and the rest of shock left me, leaving me simply to look at the road ahead...not an easy task, but forward we go.

Dan, what a handsome boy, what a sweet memorial.

Peace,

dee

[summergirl]

Trudi - a prayer for Phil and Rob and their families. Also for Mal as I can only imagine how diffacult a job he has and one that I am extremely proud of him for doing.  Yes, being here on BI and then "shutting it down" with the click of a button can sometimes set me into a downward spiral but as Dee said we are only a click away.

Susannah - yes, you do have a different situation then I do and I praise you so much for being able to do what you are doing for those 3 beautiful grandbabies. I only have Tavian to deal with and he was very close to us since birth, also had a wonderful loving mommy to take care of him and love him.  Tavian has adjusted very well, moreso then I, but it has been a long road.....trying to explain to a 4 year old why his mommy is not ever coming back...well, children heal much faster from a loss then the parent.  I did not mean in any way to diminish anyone else's situation, I cannot imagine being in your shoes, I only know how I walk in mine. Worrying about Tavian not having playdates sounds pretty pathetic compared to your situation. I always think about "what would Tavian's life be like if Jessica were still here?" and I then try to be "like her" where Tavian is concerned.....stupid huh??? Anyway, you and your husband are doing a wonderful job with those babies, bless you.  Never get tired of reading your posts.

Bonnie -  I am sorry if I was out of line by telling you to use "tough love" with Gg...I really know nothing about fostering so I have no right to voice an opinion on something I am ignorant about. I pray that you and your hubby do what is right for both of you.  

I have done alot of thinking since I have been on vacation....stuck in the house with the snow and cold outside. I have decided to make some changes in my life style, I am going to take better care of me, go to the gym (something I used to do 3 times a week before I lost Jessica), open myself up to new experiences, live as Jessica would want me too, take Tavian to different places such as the city to the Museum's. I need to grow and although I will walk each day with the pain of the loss of my girl I will continue on her life by living mine.....

Tavian and Damien are upstairs on the PS3 and are behaving very well, I am sure they are going to be up late but I am prepared for it;)

I love you all, sweet dreams. Kathy

[heartbeataway]

Kathy,

Please, no apologies!  I like advice, especially from close friends that I trust! 

Your "resolution" ....... I had mine before Christmas, thus the tree, etc.

I felt like Jason was upset with us and could hear his voice, "I died, you didn't ..... please live ...... you've got to live again ....... you've got to live for me ......

I've been having multiple panic attacks.  Mostly at night but they're creeping into my days now too.  I hate them but I also don't want to take medication for them.

Has anyone experience or advice you can share on this?

Thanks!

[shorty16]

Bonnie,

I too, applaud you and Rich for opening your home to those in need.

2010 will be a good year.  Thinking of you

Colleen

 

[shorty16]

Bonnie

I had never experienced a panic attach until about 2 weeks after Brian was killed.  I was driving my car and began to loss periferal vision, palms sweatly, breathing irratic.

What I did was talk my self down "Colleen, you can do this."  I also had to control my breathing, slow it down - deeper breaths.  They only happened when I drove. 

After about 7 months, they slowed.  I still get them, but can talk myself down pretty easy now.

Colleen

[Guest]

Bonnie - I am just kicking myself in the butt for deleting my first post about my foster homes!  I have no idea why I do that.  I'll write something heartfelt, feel exposed or stupid and delete it instead of just going with my gut.  I'm going to post some helpful books so everyone can see them....and, I'll PM my experiences and perhaps answer any questions you might have (from my experience). 

I'll post the books separately.

And, I agree with briansdad.  You get a big thumbs up from me for even trying to take in a foster child right now!  No way in hell could I do it on a good day.  I am able to put up with my grandchildren because they're my grandchildren and I loved them first.  But even tonight as I escorted Mariah to time out she yelled, "I want to go back to foster care!"  I just stayed calm and said, "you are in foster care." 

That's her way of trying to hurt me or lash out.  I know that.  One time she was packing her bag to run away (she only packed toys) and I just calmly told her "sorry, there's no running away here.  You're stuck with me."  She's just testing the boundaries.  Running away has been their parents way of life and that's all she knows.

By the way, I love the pictures!

Dee - I so admire your way with words!  I hope I am able to express myself adequately to help someone in the future.  Yet, even the thought of that makes me sad because to help someone with my experience through this means they have to have this experience.  I would not wish this on my worst enemy!  I'm so sorry you know exactly how I feel....and, I'm so grateful you're there to put my feelings into a meaningful explanation. 

Kathy - I hope you don't think I was claiming to have it worse than you...(I probably do, but that's beside the point  LOL)  Just joking!!!   I got carried away explaining that I don't let my grandkids have playdates.  It could just be so dangerous for the unsuspecting child and parents!  LOL

I do have a warped sense of humor!  Our kids have really come a long, long way.  But, they still behave inappropriately at times. 

Our lives have completely changed having these young ones.  Gary and I have always been quite active.  Motorcycles, dancing and just plain old get togethers with friends.  None of them are raising small children.  We can't just drop everything and go on a bike ride or dancing or to the bar-b-que.  We have to find a sitter now.  And, not just any sitter, it has to be approved by family services. 

Several of their school friend's parents have given me their numbers and requested play dates, but I haven't followed through on any of it, yet.  Gosh, I'm old enough to be these parents parent!  I've known one of the moms since she was about 6yrs old!  Between all the counseling and DFS visits and court appearances, I just have nothing left for a playdate, yet.  I'm sure when that time comes, I will be turning to you for advice. 

Okay...I'm going to find the books that helped Gary and I the most and post them in a separate post.

love you all!!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

BOOKS:

1.  When Love is Not Enough - by Nancy L. Thomas  (this book is my favorite because it gives real life, logical explanations for unacceptable/inappropriate behavio.  I didn't agree with all of it, but am able to nip and tuck some of the suggestions to fit our comfort level)

2.  Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control by Heather T. Forbes and B. Bryan Post.  (I like this book because it explains why children behave and react the way they do.  Children of abuse.  I'm not crazy about most of the solutions offered, but it is a great tool for validation for the foster parent.  I get monthly newsletters from their web site and they are very helpful!)

3.  Making Children mind without losing yours by Dr. Kevin Leman.  Gary and I both love this book.  However, the solutions are geared more for an intact family, a loving family who has a disobedient kid.  All the books add a little bit of humor, but this book really adds it.  If it gave me anything, it gave me backbone and the ability to quit second guessing myself with the kids.  Well, I haven't quit totally, but mostly I'm pretty confident in dealing with them.  Yep, this book gave me backbone!

4.  Handbook of Attachment Interventions edited by Terry M. Levy (Academic Press)  I didn't know I had this book.  I haven't read it.  But, it looks very interesting just browsing through it.  Anyway, it's in my library.  I have others, but the top three are the ones that helped us...and, I'll find out if this other one helps.

I think the most important thing I can say to anyone trying to foster a child is IT ISN'T PERSONAL!  It might feel like it is, but it isn't.  That kid is going to try to manipulate and control their environment.  Most abused children lack self discipline.  Most abused children when in a safe environment will punish the adults who provided that safe environment because they can't reconcile the fact that the adults who should have protected them didn't.  I absolutely hated most of my foster parents.  And, most of them were good people.  I did not see them as good people.  I saw them as the enemy.  They were standing between me and freedom.  To me foster homes were my prison.  It wasn't my foster father telling me I couldn't go somewhere it was the warden taking away my freedom.

Until the age of 10 I lived in complete anarchy, neglect and abuse.  I ran the streets.  No one cared if I went to school or not.  I never had to take baths.  No one hounded me about combing my hair or taking a bath.  I had what I thought was freedom.  Foster homes completely annihilated that.  By the age of 10 I had the vocabulary of a trucker and was willing to share it with you.  Especially if it shocked you.  Hell, I'm still like that! 

And, underneath it all was a good kid who just wanted her family back.  My foster families were not trained or prepared for me.  I had no idea what had happened.  I blamed myself for many years that my sisters and I were separated. 

SORRY Indigo's..........there I go again, rambling...I'll be happy to PM you Bonnie, if you have any questions.  Just ask.  My life is an open book.

I have completely healed from my childhood.  NOW I'm grateful for my foster parents.  They may never know it.  But, my children and my grandchildren will benefit from what I learned in foster homes. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[summergirl]

Susannah - of course you did not come across as having it harder then I although you do......you are doing an amazing job and having a warped sense of humor is sometimes what gets us through the day or just a minute.....

Bonnie - I had my first panic attack over 20 years ago when no one really knew what they were, it was awful and I got so I was afraid to go to bed at night for fear of having one....I went to a great therapist who taught my a breathing technic on how to calm myself and work my way through it, my hubby also went with me as he was the one who could talk me back to reality when I woke up having one etc., but when I was alone it was up to me. I stopped having them after some months and never had another one until I lost my brother Billy 8 years ago and they increased when I lost Jessica....I was not able to go back to the technic of handeling them so I did go on medication and continue with it...2 times a day I take xanax, a mild dose but they work instantly for a panic attack......it is not as though I want to take a medication but I am not in a position to NOT take them. If you can take slow easy breaths in your nose and out of your mouth, think of a place you want to be it will relax you, also try taking a breath and take a drink of water in between breaths...I applaud any one who can get themselves through a panic attack....I am just not strong enough yet.      No apologies expected here right

Ok it is 11:25 and the boys are both still going strong so I better get them settled down with a movie that just might make them sleepy.....good thing I don't sleep very well;)

Peace, Kathy

[summergirl]

THIS IS THE FRONT OF THE FLAG WE MADE IN HONOR OF JESSICA....IT IS TRAVELING WITH THE REST OF OUR ANGEL'S.......

[summergirl]

BACK SIDE....

[ericasmom]

BEautiful flag Kathy, really beautiful like the girl/woman that it represents. And I don't think it is that you are not strong enough to get through a panic attack, hell look what you have lived through for goodness sakes. It is more that you don't have to find ways now as you are assisting yourself through the use of xanax which helps with all kinds of anxiety. It is a very useful and widely used drug. For me panic attacks can be physically manipulated by using a small lunch bag, the brown paper variety. Gather the bag over your nose and mouth and breath into the bag deeply. Releasing your air and breathing in that same air. You are then reoxygenating your blood which is why you had the panic attack, not breathing deeply enough to oxygenate your blood. We breathe shallow breaths especially when we are perhaps thinking of those things that give way to stress. We do not know that we are breathing in a shallow manner until the dizzy or pounding in our chests alert us to this. I had one when my kids were little, I never knew why, and it was Michael, my then husband who immediately grabbed a bag adn told me what to do. After that, I kept a bag in my car and in my purse and in my nighstnd in case...I have had one or two since Eri died, one at school over lunch break, I was walking down the hall and I began to shake and feel nasea, cold sweats, and weak knees, felt like I was going to faint. Sat down and began to breathe into cupped hands, the nurse came up and listened to my heart and waited until my heartbeat and blood pressure became normal again. We all have reason to have them, just be aware that they can come out of the blue and so if you have a bag with you you can combat the attack relatively quickly. If no bag, cup your hands over your nose and mouth and do the same deep breathing and inhaling your expended breath. My Son and my Sister Eileen get them, all stress/grief related.

Bon, you have a ton on your plate with the legal issues on the business, and being a concientious foster parent, panic attacks are not a surprise with so much going on, not to mention the stress of the holidays. I will say however, that Kathy and you have made my heart smile tonight, your resolution and Kathy's are very wonderful, to live in the light left you by your Baby. It is the way you will find your smile again.

Sue, you are getting  a crap-load of snow from what the news tells me, hang on to your hats, better still, stay in since it is windchills of -16 right now. Be safe.

My heart,

dee

PS thanks Susannah, I am sorry that your childhood was so messed up too, the amazing resilliance of children hu?

[mikesmomrs]

Bonnie:  I am right behind Dee and Susannah on the panic attacks.  I used to have them fairly frequently...don't know why, except that I do know that depression and anxiety are also genetic, and my mom and some of my sisters were plagued with them also.  Of course, with my mom, no one knew what it was...it was said that she had "spells."  How archaic is that?  Anyway, though it can be genetic, much of mine were stress-related...just a lot of goings on with raising teenagers, dealing with the troubles that life can sometimes bring, etc.  But, the breathing techniques are what enabled me to stop the medication eventually.  Just the deep, stomach breathing, brought in through the nose, and then slowly let out through the mouth...one of the "tips" my therapist gave me was to place my hand on my stomach and let the intake of air force my stomach out, that way I knew I was doing it right.  It really helped.  (also the paper bag breathing that Dee suggested)  I have to drive over an 18 mile long bridge to see my daughter, and it involves two tunnels, one a mile long and one almost a mile.  (I am very claustrophobic)  I would have to take my meds about 1/2 hour before we would arrive at the bridge, until I learned the breathing technique of calming an anxiety attack.  I haven't had to take meds to manage the trip in probably 7-8 years.  Since losing Mike, I have had a few panic/anxiety attacks, but have been able to control them, thank God.  As others have said, you have much on your plate right now, and the anxiety is no surprise.  Take care of yourself, Bon, so you can live out that resolution you made just before Christmas, so Jay can watch you enjoying your life, living it with joy, for him, for Rich, and ultimately and most importantly, for you.  The heart that Jackson created is just Jay showing you that he truly appreciated your doing Christmas, as well as encouragement for the future. 

Dee and Susannah:  I am so very sorry that you both had such childhoods, but I am glad to see that you were each able to bring yourselves through all of that and rise above the pain to the level of life that you have...you are both loving, giving and caring women...molded by your past experiences and shaped by your innate sense of love and fairness, to be the women you are...a gift to those around you and those you reach out to.  Your grandchildren are blessed to have you, Susannah, and will look back on their time with you as the blessing that it is and the foundation of the strength they will develop from your loving and firm care to be good, loving adults.  Dee, those you come in contact with, be it the children you help to shape each day through your loving and gentle instruction, or those adults fortunate enough to have you in their lives through daily contact or just through your reaching out, are blessed to have your heart encompassing them...the wisdom that you share and the reaching out that you do is a wondrous gift that each of us here share and thank you so much for. 

Kathy:  I hope you have a good time with those boys...they do take your breath away, wear out your muscles, and weary your bones, but the fun they share and exhibit seeps into your heart and warms your soul.  Jessica is so very proud of you. 

Trudi:  I am so sorry for the families of Mal's coworkers...they are in my prayers for peace and strength, as well as Mal, as he goes about continuing the service and caring that he does with his work.  The dedication of those who work the ambulance services is usually forgotten once the "emergency" is over, but their kindness is not lost on those on the receiving end.  I have been on that "receiving end" more than once, and thankful for every kind action or word.  

We are with you, Trud, as you travel these difficult days of January, and all of the memories that each day brings about.  Your precious Micheal is free of all of that pain now, but we all know that that knowledge doesn't always help alleviate the pain we feel in our hearts over not having our sweet child physically in our lives any longer.  The sorrow you feel is real, the loss is real, but we have to rely on our beliefs and sense of faith to know that their newfound freedom and peace are actual...and sometimes the pain we feel is such that finding that belief and faith can be a difficult task...but we do return to that faith, Trudi, we will, we always do.  It is what keeps us going, always.  Sending you love and strength, and holding you close in thought and prayer.

Val:  Thinking of you, and hoping that Goeff surrounded you with love and sweet memories on his angel day to help you through the hours of sadness that can envelop us around these dates. 

The snow is coming down, relentlessly, for two days now, and is in the wildest time of flinging itself about and covering everything in its path during these current hours, according to the weatherman.  It is cold and windy and the air is white...beautiful to look at, beautiful to walk in, and I won't think about the clean up part...not yet.  I actually shoveled earlier, but it was still at the "light and fluffy" stage...easy to do and enjoyable.  8-10 inches so far, I think, with another 3-5 expected by midday Sunday.  Perhaps next weekend will find us breaking out the snow tubes!!!

snowtubing memories!!!  Chandler, Nana, Jamie and Kam

Mike with Chandler, left, and Kam in front

love and peace,  Carol  mikesmomrs

[Guest]

I've been up since 2am.  I sure am grateful for the nights I sleep.  They're few and far between anymore.

Carol - I'm not sure who else said they were having panic attacks.  I don't think it was me.  I worry a lot, but I don't think that's the same thing. 

A couple of years ago I adopted the belief that there are really only two religions in the world....one of fear and one of love.  It's easy to see which one is the "right" one to belong to.  (Generic "belong").  I've never been able to pull it off.  Breathing and meditation help, but I became undisciplined in practicing it after Stephanie died.

I met a man at a friend's funeral who claims to have completely mastered fear.  I have no reason to doubt him.  I can say that just being in his presence brought about a sense of peace. 

My native American spiritual person is like that, too.  My sister said she would like to just climb up on her lap and stay there.

Lorri - Kimmy and Cody sure are a cute couple!

I think Carol posted the sledding pictures.  Too fun!

Sending good wishes!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

Trudi - Thinking of you as Mike's angelversary approaches.  Wrapping you in hugs of prayer and energy.  Hoping a sign and comfort come to help hold you through.

[Guest]

Betsy - Holding you in the same space as Trudi!  Wrapping you in hugs and comfort.

 

[ericasmom]

Ok Carol, you made me cry on this sunny frigid morning. -2 acutal temps. I am jealous of your snow, so pretty and I love that photo of you flying down the hill, such an adventurous Grammy. What lucky boys to have you to fly about with. You made me cry with your kind words and I am so happy to know that my heart reaches to yours. No amount of miles could ever separate this family. We cross the oceans and the roads, we roll through tunnels and over mountains and we are like zephers across the plains, flying to each others hearts to help each person here know, that never will they be without friendship or fellowship. NEVER! A purpose filled life is what we lead when we reach out and touch the lives of others with our stories, with our hearts and souls. Each of us do this work, those of us two weeks in adn those of us the oldies here. WE have this purpose. We have this family. Our Angels shine about it. So Punch Buggy Red to you today Carol as you watch the world turn white and soft, my arms around you all the way.

Trudi, let the days take you where they will, you too Betsy, wander the terrain, we have you craddled in our hearts and minds, as do your Boys. It isn't taking backward steps, it is the act of going forward when your heart aches.

Going to a writing group today, and back to school tomorrow, which means I will not be online as often, I will probably have withdrawl, but I will still be on each day, when the kids go to PE or lunch, I will come on, and again at night when I am home. I have so thoroughly loved so much time with you all over my winter break. It was rich with the lives of all of you.

VAl? Carol did I miss Geoff's dates? I miss you Val if you are out there, I have longed to hear from you. Be well Sweet Lady. Kaye you too, just want you to be finding your way. Always sisters in my life.

[heartbeataway]

I have completely healed from my childhood. NOW I'm grateful for my foster parents. They may never know it. But, my children and my grandchildren will benefit from what I learned in foster homes.

THIS, THESE WORDS, ARE WHY WE ARE LEARNING AND CHOSE TO BE FOSTER PARENTS. Thank you Susannah!

 "To make the kind of difference in this world that we know our son would have made."

 He had a way with folks, especially young folks.

 There was a family that had five boys.  On the night of Jasons visitation, I looked over and there were five boys sitting on the front pew crying.  They were teenage boys.  There was a lady standing behind them, their Mother.

One of his friends explained to me that Jason had mentored the boys, took them camping, etc ..

I walked over and introduced myself, we chatted as tears were wiped away.  I asked them what kind of advice Jason gave them and heard things like, always do your best, anything worth doing is worth doing right, respect your parents, education is important so don't take it lightly ......

I had heard Jason talking about the boys so it was sweet to meet them.  I still see them on occasion and they always have a big hug for me.

Thank you for all the advice on my panic attacks.  It's the heart racing and the overwhelming feeling of "fear" that is so scary to experience.  I have to admit I think of Jason when my heart is racing ..... did his heart race?  did it race and then slow down before it stopped or did it just slow down and then stop.  Why did it stop?

Dee, you sweet, sweet lady!  You had a tree for the first time since your angel left. Yet, you reach out in support of Kathy and I ....... kudos to you my dear friend!

Carol, love your words and memories!  The pictures are priceless!

Yesterday, Rich made the comment that he just wants our old life back .... how many of us have said that?

I feel that this year is going to be a year of tremendous change and movement.  Not sure what direction but I know our steps will be quided by angels and they will hover in protection and love to let us know that we do not travel alone ...... we are never alone.

Love for the journey,

Bonnie, Jay's Mom

PS - I finished The Christmas Box book that Greg so graciously sent me.  I would be happy to share it with someone. Just let me know.

[mikesmomrs]

Bonnie:  such a wonderful memory of Jason's life...something to carry in your heart and bring out and look at every now and then, a memory through which Jason gives you strength to go on with your plans...he is so proud of you and Rich, Bon, so proud.

Dee:  Goeff's angel date was January 2, 09.  One year for Val and Keith.  A tough one, for sure...my heart goes out to them.  Val, I hope you are doing okay....prayers.  Thank you for the punch buggy...always welcomed.  And your words, again...helping us to fly over those roads to each other. 

Betsy:  I'm sorry, I didn't mention you in my earlier post....the middle of the night does funny things to our brains.  You are also in my prayers and thoughts this month, as the day of your precious Rich's first angelversary approaches.  It is a tough one, Betsy, but we are here for you...come to us for strength, we are here to listen, to just "be here" for you.  As others have said, it is true that the days leading up to it are worse than the actual day...  The night of Mike's first angelversary, it was approaching his hour of passing (8:10 pm), and through poor planning and bad timing, I found myself alone in the house.  I started to panic, and the next thing I knew, one of Mike's closest friends called on the phone to ask if he could come by...he said he was just down the street.  Over he came, and when he walked in the door, all the pent up anxiety, tears and emotions just spilled over as he put his arms around me and just held me, kept me from completely losing it.  He was so understanding, so loving, and so "there" at just the right time.  Moments later, my husband walked in, and we all just stood there, arms wrapped around each other, as that terrible moment/memory passed through our hearts and out, through the air, into history---another "step" in our journey of healing.   Rich is watching out for you, also, Betsy, and will help you through these days...as will we.

love and peace,  Carol  mikesmomrs

[mysonrich]

Thank you Dee, Susannah and Trudi. Yes, it has been a rough couple of days and nights. Early New Years day I ran out to the store and heard part of a song by U2.

All is quiet on new year's day

A world in white gets under way

I want to be with you, be with you night and day

Nothing changes on new year's day

On new year's day

I will be with you again

I will be with you again

Last week I had an appointment in town. I thought I'd run to the post office while I had a few minutes. A fast, wet snow had just fallen. Walking and not running, down I go. I stayed there for a moment to make sure nothing was broken and a city bus went by and slowed. I was thinking, " there's some smart ass kid on that bus laughing at me " :-) I got up and walked away thinking of Rich another time I took a spill. I misstepped and down I went on both knees. I jumped back up as Rich started to laugh. I asked him what he was laughing at. He said" I know its not funny that you fell but you popped back up just like my friends." he was probably 15-16 at the time. So last week, after I fell I was smiling as I went to the post office.

Carol, I love the pictures. It looks like a great time.

Bonnie, I made" 3 berry" muffins this morning for a small treat. No sugar added since the Type 2 news but they were very good.

Dee, how many weeks until spring break?

Susannah, they are quads here as everywhere I suppose. The young people drive them on the street especially after a snow. No one seems to mind. A few weeks ago I saw 3 while driving off the main drag here. They disappeared as I kept a watch out and ear out.  2 reappeared and I pulled over thinking to myself, where is the other one?? He came around a bend, right out into the road, dim lights. I wanted to run after them and tell them to be careful. They were off and out of sight.

I do enjoy the music and pic's. Greg, I didn't know Dan Fogelberg died !

Lorri, you have a beautiful family and I think Trudi posted the dragon fly.very nice

Still very cold. 15F with a strong wind.

Betsy,mysonRich

 The shorts were a joke gift on Rich's 18th birthday. Little did I know..he liked them.

 

[Guest]

Hello Indigo's.

Loving your posts.  Loving your spirits!

Today, at my maladjusted people's meeting, there was a young woman who just recently lost her mother.  She hasn't stopped drinking, yet, but God bless her for coming.  It takes a lot of guts to walk into an AA meeting with booze on your breath. 

After the meeting she took me aside and tried to offer me comfort in the loss of my daughter.  Her comments would have gone right on the top of our list for what stupid people say.  But, I didn't see that.  I saw this young woman reaching out to me, and that touched my heart.  So I stood there and listened to what she had to say.  When she was done she said, "I hope I've helped you."  That was her true intention - to help me.  I smiled and touched her arm, "You wanting to comfort me in the first place is what's helping me.  Thank you!"

For just a moment I was able to look outside of my own pain and into the heart of another lost soul, trying to bring comfort to me.  It really was quite touching.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[heartbeataway]

Betsey,

3 Berry Muffins ..... yum!  I bet the house smelled wonderful! 

Rich and I were going to see Avatar but it was sold out so instead we went to Outback and stuffed ourselves!  Diet starts tomorrow!  ;-)

<3! for the journey!

Bonnie, Jay's Mom