Loss of an Adult Child

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

 

I am so very touched by the genuine warmth and concern shared here by each Indigo..  Colleen what a beautiful gesture helping to grant one of Mikes' wish at the Pacific Ocean.  The picture was beautiful and Carols appreciation so very sincere. Glad your whole family has the week off and hope the remodeling gets finished. 

 

Rosie, I know where you are and how difficult this time is for you.  You are so new to this journey and what you described yourself doing we have all done/are doing today.  I talk to Stephen in my head often.  Your note on Facebook was spot on and I applaud you for taking the stand you did.  Please keep coming and sharing  It is so good to see your angel Andrew again.   

 

 Carol I do hope that your husband is recovering from his cold/flu and that you get some rest this weekend. I smile often thinking of Damon and his little saying like My Doodness and his having his rememories. 

 

Sherry I was so touched by your recounting of the facts that   after 40 years  you still cherish  Little Lisa's toys and clothing and that Davey's clothes are also so  cherished.  They will never be forgotten!!!

 

Dee Your poem Colors described Eri so well I felt I could see her.  I loved joining you on your hike today.  Getting so close to the deer watching them and then feeding them was wonderful.    Feeding a wild animal is so touching.!!!! I spread peanut butter on some crackers today for my injured squirrel and was he overjoyed

 

Greg  Love the new Avatar picture of Brian  I love to see all the different sides of each of our angels.

 

Bonnie I thought of our flag making project and pinnacle days today.  That was so special of you to share with us all.

 

Trudi  Thanks for the warm New Years wishes. I am so glad that Mutely is recovering and appreciate the sharing of your pondering.  I too ponder a great deal these days. 

 

Thank you Indigos  for lightening my day today and every day.

 

Have a safe evening

 

Betty

Stephen'smom

[summergirl]

Greg and Trudi - thank you so much for posting the video's....it really helped me to understand a bit more of what you are looking for....I was amazed at what the people had to say, it was as though they were speaking my words....I am very excited about this project and also most relieved that I have time to do it.

Trudi...Happy New Years.  Poor, poor Muttley....I hope he is feeling better...what a scare for you and him....give him a hug for me.

Dee - love, love the pic of you and Eri....

Rosie - my dear friend...you are so very early in this journey and every word you speak reminds me of myself at that stage of loss.....people going on with their lives as we stand still in a moment caught in time. There were so many people at our house for days taking care of everything, so many of which I do not even remember and then one day it seemed as though all disappeared and I was left alone....I took 5 weeks off of work and went crazy remodeling my entire house. There were days when I was so angry at everyone for living their lives and other days I could have cared less what anyone else did I just wanted to be alone in my grief. You certainly do find out who your friends are and who you can let go of.  I also know that there are some people who just cannot "deal" with "our" pain so they distance themselves until "they" feel like enough time has passed for "us" to be "all better". Well, sorry to say we never get better, we do find our place in this world but the getting better part is a myth. I actually had a friend who made sure she told me exactly what time she arrived at our house that morning and also pointed out that she and hubby were here before my in-laws....I ask myself why she felt the need to tell me that...does it make her a better friend because she arrive earlier????  I am so sorry for you, my heart breaks as I read your posts as I just want to hug you and let you know that time is what you need, only time and BI, loving family and trusting friends will get you through this...one baby step at a time, one breath at a time....stay with us and I promise the day will come when you will say "I smiled today"...love to you.

I cannot keep up with all the postings....seems as though I have been on vacation forever and I am ready to go back to work.....sounds crazy but I never take a vacation in the winter....always in the summer when I can be productive outside.  I was in a sad mood today so tried to make it better by taking a little trip to Game Stop with Tavian to get a few new games for his Play Station 3 and then was going to go for lunch but it just wanted to come home....then I wanted to take him to a movie but he didn't want to do that either so I left him with Barry and I took a ride to the Ocean and took pics, then just drive around taking pics of different things....felt much better when I got home.......

I did read the posts.....and as always I love all the stories of the walks, the smiles, the memories......love the wonderful things that those here do for another who cannot do for themselves.......Carol, seeing Mike's name in the sand....WOW.  To everyone I am thinking of you always and keep you near.

Tavian wants to play a game so I will say good night.  Tomorrow night is New Years Eve and I am looking forward to staying home with Tavian.....was supposed to go out but would rather be home.    Love to all....Kathy    

[katant]

Claudia,

I am tried to reach you through ur email.  I really just needed to touch base with you.  Anthony's 3 year just passed on 12/15 and Christmas was so depressing.  Anthony turns 21 next week and we are planning to let ballons go for him.

I have not had any "hello's" from him...I just think he is very busy doing things.

I have been really bad lately.  Had to take time out of work again.  It's just so hard, tiring, exhausting, mentally dibilatating.  I don't feel like doing anything.  I even passed up awesome tickets to last week's Patriots game here at Foxboro to just stay home and I slept until 1:30 in the afternoon.  I have been seeing my counselor again.  I am still dealing with legal stuff and I am really just hitting a brick wall.  I am sad, depressed, barely getting through each day.  Sad alot again, crying, getting a feeling of losing him.  It's so hard this time of the year, hearing about people getting killed by drunk drivers...i don't get it, what is it that people don't understand.  Anthony was killed by a drunk driver, 18 years old as he drove home from work and my life really sucks.

It is hard.  I am sad.  I am scared.  I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Clauda, I miss u....need to chat...hello again to all my bi friends.

kathleen

[Guest]

Trudi - Was Mutley the one hurt?  Oh, I'm sorry!!  I thought the cat was hurt.  I didn't mean to sound so insensitive.

[arc4ever]

Kathleen, I don't believe we have met.  Maybe I missed your previous posts.

I'm so sorry, tell me some more about your Andrew.  He looks like a very handsome young man, and I would love to learn about him.

On March 25, 2008 my only child, Adam was 16 years old and driving to school,  he went left of center and hit a dump truck head on.  We do not know what caused him to do this, and will never know.  Adam survived the accident, but passed several hours later after prolonged surgery.  Severe head injuries, pretty much broken body, lots of internal injuries - just too much for his body to take, he tried hard but it was just too much.

I'm so sorry you are having an extra difficult time right now, as we know this is a roller coaster ride that can go oh so slowly up the hill, and come crashing down very fast, and very hard.

Three years, the blink of an eye and forever ago isn't it?  I wish I could offer some words for you right now, but the only thing I have is to revert back to the stage of just breathing for right now.  Just rest, and breathe.  Come here and post and we will do what we can to lift you as much as we are able. 

I will say a special prayer for you and for Andrew (I hope you don't mind).

Much love, Terrie (Adam's Mom)

[Guest]

Rosie - Your words were my own just four months ago.  I kept wondering if I was going crazy, too.  Sometimes I still do.  I'm so sorry for the reason you are here, but I'm so glad you found this place.  No kidding.  I could have written the same post as you wrote.  These men and women on this board are wonderful.  I can't really say anything comforting because I'm too new except to tell you I understand perfectly.

Even the signs....we had many the first couple of months.  I'm not sure if the signs are slowing or if I've just become accustomed to them and don't notice them as much.  I even said I felt like I was grasping at straws.  However, they make me feel better, so I'm holding onto them.  Each and every one.  I had a dream the second week that Stephanie was standing in front of me, but I wasn't able to touch her.  She was so happy.  I was completely broken, even in my dream, but she was still happy.

We are an elite group of people.  We didn't choose this path.  None of us want this path.  Yet, here we are.  Together.  Holding each other up.  Stronger, wiser, kinder.  Even in our weakness, when we can't breath.....we stand together.  We must be the only "elite" group who mourns when we get a new member....we mourn together.

I love you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[4everjoeysmom]

Kat (Ant's Mom), PM me your phone number. I would like to call you if that's OK... HUGS!!!! Love, Claudia

[shellbellsmom]

Having yet another sad day....my facilitator of my support group tonight said she felt I have been down a lot lately...guess I'm not putting on my mask as much as I used to.  To much work, and am exhausted afterwards. 

Kathleen so sorry your sadness is so intense again with Anthony’s angel date, the holidays and now this 21 birthday coming up all within such a short time.  Glad you are going back to therapy and I hope its helps some.  It's been 2 1/2 years for me, and I went back to my therapist last month...after 6 months of being in a dark hole unable to get myself out of.  .  Ask for signs and be open to them....some times its months before I get one....then I beg for more and then they start to come again.

"Grief is like having a sharp edged stone rubbing inside of you.  Gradually its pointed edges will become smoother, but the actual stone itself will always be there, inside of you.  It's part of you.

 

Rosie, you are so new to this journey...just breathe, eat and try and get some sleep if you can.  Take some time off from work if you can and just try and survive each passing day....I will definitely pray for your strength, as you will need it. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zCz8SKmGek My song for my mood tonight. 

For everyone celebrating the New Year tomorrow; Please Celebrate Responsibly.   

Peace, Sue

    

*Our kids are sending us a BLUE MOON tomorrow....

 

[zachysmom]

hi all my post went byby so oh well it was just one heck of a rant.

sawmy gyn today wohoo gotta schedule surgery. gonna remove right ovary and uterus.

 

 

this pic of my angel was taken xmas 2008

[mikesmum]

Rosie - Its like I said earlier.  We need to gather as much of our childrens lives to us so that we know they have been here and they aren't forgotten.  I had all Mikes certificates, awards, cards & letters.....the final straw that hit hard was being handed his death certificate.  You aren't 'going insane' and the white coated guys don't make house calls.  Talking out loud to Mike is part of what I do.  Those who get it are okay with it - those who don't well that's their tuff.

I have culled my friends/family over the past 3yrs.  The energy taken to try to make them feel okay about my loss was exhausting so I just said enough. 

I have cultivated friendships here that are borne from loss, but continue with the genorosity and love I found here.

Colleen - you are such a wonderful person.  I know how hard it would have been scattering Brian's ashes, but to take Mike 'surfing' too, you are truly amazing.

Carol - You are more than welcome my friend.  Two Mikes ruling the skies now, awesome.

Claudia - hope you are doing better.  Just a smiley face so we can see Joey's handsome face will be fine.

Kathleen - kant - It really is 3 yrs.  I remember posting to you on Loss of a Teenager around the time Mike died......You have come along way - how goes the job  in general?  Hope the balloon release brings you some peace - Hey Ant, a sign would be nice......

Kathy - Hope you Barry and Tavian have a great New Years Eve together - another Grandma raising her babies, baby - Jess is with you every step.

Susannah - Yep it was Muttley.  Nitsky (Em Caleb & Melissa's cat) was the offending party.  He is doing fine. Thankfully he sits for his eye to be cleaned and ointment applied without any fuss.  

Be safe my BI family this New Years Eve........see you all (figeratively speaking) in 2010.  Trudi  :dude: 

FIREWORKS  MELBOURNE VIC AUSTRALIA!!!

[ericasmom]

Kathleen Kant, I am sorry that you are so blue right now, but the revisits to the bluest places sometimes reveal some new piece of glimmer in all of this sadness. I think it is wise to go back to therapy, I did that too around the 4th year as PTSD was hitting hard with the loss of yet another young lady that Eri and my Son knew and grew up with. so I went back to get a better hold on what post traumatic can do. I agre to going back and treating yourself well and making sure of simple things, are you drinking enough fluids, getting any sunshine on you, taking any vitamins? I will say a prayer that you receive some signs of Anthony soon,and that you find strength in knowing that everyone here gets it.

Rosie, feeling worse at this point is normal for what has happened. As far as going crazy, well the way I felt is that crazy would have been an upgrade. It is crazy, losing a Child is crazy, there is no sanity for now, there will be again, but now finding sanity is very hard. Because your Son has expressed his need for you to be okay, you are in a tighter place than I was, I had no young ones at the time of Eri's leaving. So it might be important for you and your Son to read some excerpts from some grief books together, just so he gets what you are in right now, and you get where he is. Kids his age often grieve very differently than older or younger kids. He can't fully let down right now because he isn't sure who he will be if he does, it is very threatening to his sense of self, and also, he may be worried as to who will take care of him if he does fall apart. There are many dynamics to deal with, but right now, the only thing you have to do is drink some water, eat some protein, try to nibble on some food, try to sleep, and if that does not happen try to read.

Nothing much is going to make sense for a while, so doing some mundane chores, laundry, cook a meal, might make you feel a sense of normal? for some it does, for me it did, but for many it does not.

Be as well as you can be.

Colleen, so so cool of you, SO COOL, that you assisted Mike to his beloved ocean. I saw some pink in his name on the sand...Carol, I know that your heart is very glad that our Buddy took some of Mike tothe ocean. My heart is made happy by this story.

Love you all,

dee

[mysonrich]

Greg, Dee, others that plan on making the video, you have courage and strength and seem to be in a place that will allow you to share this very deep pain. could this be attributed to the passing of time, the gut wrenching pain does soften in time, at least sometimes?

 

I wanted to share Christmas with you all. It was not good. I have had a splitting headache before and since. My only hope this past Christmas was to see my daughter. After the payroll screw-up I wasn't so sure about travel plans. The p/t job came through and only after Christmas did I see a correction in the other which is still wrong but....

 

Rich will be gone 1 year on January 18.....my visit to see my daughter was important but she snapped at me quite often. I don;t mean to say it was a horrible day, Christmas morning was very nice. It was after that things seemed to escalate. I usually can take the snappiness and try to move on. I try to maintain a level of gaiety because of her feelings and let things go. This time around my nerves were raw, at the surface , bristling. It came down to me leaving a bit early. I even took a drive to my Aunt's home where I broke down. Poor folks, just what they needed.  God knows I didn't want to hurt her but I couldn't take it anymore. Maybe I don;t know enough about grieving siblings and this was her reaction. It came down to me crying, her crying, me crying all the way home. She did call on the way home and said " Mom, I just want to tell you I love you"...I love her too. As a 23 y/o and having many friends one would suppose that she has a strong network but like us, friends may say the same stupid comments to her. Her brother is gone. She can't bring him back and when I mention his name she still looks away, down. Once in a while she may laugh at a story but not often.

 

For those that have lost your only child, you may think that this is just so much BS. You may think that I still have a child and should be content in that. My daughter is not my son. They are not interchangeable.

 

I fear loosing her to my son's death. I feel her slipping away or am I slipping away.

I couldn't wait to get there and then I couldn't get back fast enough.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[ericasmom]

Betsy, I  just opened the day with you and am responding to the very first paragraph you wrote, I will read the rest in a moment, but just need to tell you YES, I promise, the pain that turns you inside out, will soften, you will find a rhythm to your life again, but it is down the road a bit further Bets. I do promise and I don't make promises lightly, that time will allow you something tha tI cannot fully explain except to say that somehwhere beyond where you are, there will be times that you will find yourself smiling more often,you will find a motivation to do something that perhaps you haven't felt in a very long time. At some point, the memories that you may be terrified to lose, will find a secure spot in your soul and you will have more assurance that those are yours, and they cannot be taken. It does take work, but you are doing that work, and you will find yourself one day, in a much softer scenario than todays.

love to you, gentle hugs

[hotrod]

Hello Indigos

 

It is snowing pretty heavy here in NYC.

 

  Betsy I am so glad to see you back.  I missed reading your humor and seeing Rich's handsome face.  I am so sorry for the difficult time the Holiday season  brought to you and can identify with being glad to be back to your own world.  When you were describing your daughters reaction, it reminded me how Stephen reacted when his father died.  He was 16  at the time and his refusal to talk about him, his argumentative attitude was difficult to live with.  The feelings for me  were very painful.  I just shared  that to assure you that I did not loose him as a result but I believe we grew closer.  Praying for your peace.

 

Beth what a beautiful precious picture of your little angel Zack!!!!  Thank you for posting it.

 

Sue I am sorry you are in a difficult place this season.  I do believe you are correct that pretending to feel good when we do not really is unhealthy.  Glad you are here helping me survive by being honest!!

 

Dee, Bonnie, Claudia, Mary Ann, Sherry, Terrie, Kathy, Lorrie, Colleen,Susannnah, Sue, Trudi, Carol, Rosie, Pam, Beth, Leah,Dan adn Greg  and all other Indigos, Thank You all for being here this year and sharing your heart.  I have become a saner, kinder person because of this. I truly appreciate each of you.  I am smiling right now because as I typed each name I saw the face of each of your angels and my heart felt so full!!! 

 

I am going out of town again until Sunday. I would like to extend warm wishes to all Indigos for a Peaceful, Healthy  New Year  touched by many signs from your Angel,

 

Betty

Stephen'smom;)

 

[ericasmom]

Betsy, i feared losing JOnathan too, and that fear took me down a blackened path, walking on eggshells and praying furiously for him to find his way. I still get stuck there as JOn recently dealt with his Dad's death and his depression and anxiety became huge. He is not Eri either, and his guilt for his sister leaving along with the expectation of his many good friends...they were great but kids just don't dwell on things for long, so the attitude is to get up and go out. Jon's own expectations of himself, all of it a swirl of confusion. I am grateful that your Girl called you, sad that you are under this cloud, but the dates almost command it. Go easy on yourself, you are young on this road, and you have been mighty, it is time to allow that break-down time too. Therapy helped me a great deal, and being here, and being outside. I wish you a gentle day.

[ericasmom]

BETTY, have a beautiful time out of town, and know that wherever you go, Stephen is with you, and our hearts are with you too. Blessings for a sense of peace in the New Year.

Love you ,

dee

[ericasmom]

Beth, sounds like surgery is going to be soonish? Do you have help with your Little One while you are going to be in the hospital? I am sending off prayers for a quick and strong recovery. Good health in the New Year. Love the photo of Zach, so sweet.

[nicksdad]

 

[katant]

Claudia, I will do that.  I am now sick but that was due to happen. 

Dee - it is nice to hear from you.  It has been some time.  I had to go back to counseling because I felt myself sinking fast into that deep hole as the end of this year started approaching.  It has helped but I am not there yet.  Each night I go to sleep and it's a little different, some nights I lie there and replay that night I was picked up at my work and brought to another hospital because "there was an accident" but nobody would tell me anything.  I knew.  I walked into the E.R. and said that I was there for my son Anthony.  The girl behind that desk had a look of shock in her face.  I knew.  He was gone.  I was brought into that small room and since I have worked in the operating room for the past 8 years, now I really knew and it was so messed up.  I went through the motions, the people came in, told me those words you see on t.v. ...  we are sorry, we tried but he is gone....all I could say was I need to see him.  And I laid next to him for hours as people came in, left, more friends, I just stroked his hair, laid on his arm, his chest, he looked like he was sleeping.

Just a quick overview, Anthony was driving home from work, he punched out of work at 7:25 and was hit by a woman drunk driver at 7:33pm.  She was at a christmas party at a bowling alley that the business she worked for was holding the party at and had an open bar serving shots, all alcohol all night....rather all day...the party started at 1pm and ended around 5, the party crew then went to a bar in the same plaza and continued drinking till about 7:30 and she left, drunk and high,  driving 71mph, in a 35 zone...a busy friday night.  She crossed the double yellow line, Anthony was coming home from work, driving 40 and was coming up to a light with a turn in the road.....he never saw her coming and hit him head-on.  The suv she was driving actually mounted to front of the car, intruded his door, pushed in back like an acordian, broke his front seat, the weight of her truck v-d the roof, hitting the back on Anthony head knocking him out and the front seat was in the back seat.  The woman that hit him had pot in her car, took her pants off and stuck the metal container of it in her private area.  Did not even give a crap if she hit anybody.  Anthony's had vitals when they got him into the ambulance but I know how the body works, his strong body was just slowing down, he was gone.  He was hit so fast I was told by a medium that he was thrown from his body.  I believe that.

The main reason I have not been on BI is because Anthony's biological father has been trying to get money out of this horrible situation.  It's been going on for 3 years now and the lawyers or the dead beat father had gone into BI and copied and pasted posts of me pouring my heart and soul out to my friends on BI and used it to try and railroad me in court.  So I needed to stop posting. 

They are still trying to get money from Anthony's estate.  It's up to the judge now.  I just hav not had the normal breavement process because for the last 3 years, pretty much every few months I have to re-live, re-hash what happened to my son.  And the father was never a part of my son's life and it's been hard.

I did go back to work in the main operating room but that has shown me that I can no longer work in that environment anymore so I am working per diem at a surgery center which I actually love.

Sorry I have gone on and on....Claudia I will message u private later...Dee take care and hope 2010 is better for all of us....

Trudi....OMG miss u too......I so want to visit Australia....that is my future, travel.

Take care all, this has helped me a bit today.  I will post pictures of Anthony's Christmas tree from his 3 year vigil this year, it is beautiful.

xoxox  Kathy...Ant's mom

 

[shorty16]

Kathy

We too, were told by a special friend that Brian was taken immediately after hitting the ground.

This person is a co-worker of Scott's, who seems to be able to hear, communicate with the other side.  Reluctantly it seems, she makes no money on this.

That was a great relief.  We have heard 3X about Brian on the other side.  Mostly in the beginning.

As for me, I believe

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lolynbo]

HAD WAY TO MUCH PEPPERMINT SNAUPSS (SP) LAST NIGHT 5 SHOTS AND I THREW UP...BUT IM FINE NOW...NO ALCOHOL TONIGHT IM STAYN HOME...MY SISTER IS A BAD INFLUENCE ON ME..

BUT I JUST WANT TO TELL YAL..THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME THROUGH A RUFF YEAR..I HOPE I HELPED SOME OF YAL AS YAL DID ME...AND I LOVE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU...(NO ALCOHOL TALKING HERE)...

HAPPY NEW YEAR...TO EVERYONE BE SAFE...

[ericasmom]

NO alcohol in this response either, just a lot of coffee, so ditto to you Dear Lorri, may the new year show us all the warmth and peace of our Children, may we stand as strong as we can to live our best lives to honor theirs. And yes Lor, you have helped many new adn old like me at this place. Your humor and your honesty are as others have said, refreshing. You are a strong breeze in my day, causing me to grin or cry or just think harder...all of it good.

Kathy, Ant's Momma, now that you refresh me, I remember how much more difficult this process has been because of the circumstances with the ex and the lawyers. How sad that folks think that they should somehow benefit by this most painful loss. What a bad human for doing this.  I don't see how you could work in the OR after such a tragic experience, as you know, Trudi too had to switch away from her work after losing Mike. It is too close to home. I am glad that you found work that you do enjoy however, and glad that you are finding being back here helps some. My prayers are that you will be able to reap the benefits of being here among those who get it, and that the money hungry fools let this all go. I think that you are on the right track Kathy, taking the steps in your life to lift you from some of the maddening events. I hope that the woman who decided she should drive, and had time to think of hiding her pot, has many years in a jail cell to think about her actions. I would like to go to a medium, maybe in 2010, and I am glad that the one you saw let you know that Anthony left his body immediately, no pain, no fear. I think that Eri did too, as the hand I felt on my shoulder as we drove to Kalamazoo that night was hers I think, letting me know that she was not going to live. It was after the hand was felt on my shoulder that I told my husband that Eri was going to die, that they would be putting us in the little room. I thought that the hand was either Eri, already free of her earthly container, or my Mom who died the summer prior, letting me know. Either way, I do believe in all the ways we are connected and all the ways communication occurs. I am holding you tight Kathy, so glad to see you back here again.

[shellbellsmom]

We'll tonight is the night I have been dreading for the last month or so...it's the party to reveal the "Time Capsule Box" from 1999. For those of you who don't remember my previous post about this; my daughter Michelle was 15, alive and full of life at that party.  She completed the "what will you be doing in the year 2010" form, and was interviewed on tape as to what she had hoped for her future.  Once I was reminded about the box I got way too stressed out about it, the anticipation consumed me and the thought of opening it in front of others during a party drove me crazy.  My husband and friend didn't want me to open it up before tonight as planned.  She did however have a change of heart and allowed me to open it secretly.  My husband doesn't know I did nor does anyone else.  I watched the tape, and read her responses to the questions- tonight I will just be in a different room when all the crap is revealed.  She was happy....actually flirting with a friend’s son, and she joked about the future.  Me, I am devastated she never lived to see it opened.  To me New Years now brings fears.  In the past it was fun to plan for some crazy resolution which I would always end up never keeping.  Now, I pray PLEASE DO NOT LET ANYONE I LOVE DIE IN THE NEW YEAR. My future is fear rather than dreams....

So tonight I will attend the party- first one since my daughter passed away, and I will put on my "having fun" mask for everyone to see.  Not planning on drinking much- I get way too emotional these days...I will just be there...and try like hell to get through the evening....and believe me it won't come soon enough for me.  I also have no intentions of participating in another time capsule interview or completing another form about the future either.  It’s enough that I am going in my opinion. 

Dee- I got tickets (front row) to see Lisa William (medium) in March 2010, she's coming to my town.

I hope everyone has a nice evening....whatever you are doing. Be safe and if you are celebrating do so responsibly.... which I know we all will.  Peace, Sue

[ericasmom]

Sue, I give you great credit for your going tonight. I know that others do not know what it takes to do this, but you do. If I participated in the time capsule for the future I would simply say that because all we really own is today, I can in no way predict what I will be doing 10 years from now. If I am still here, I know that I will certainly still be missing my Girl. Take us with you tonight Sue, we will be there holding your hands, Michelle will be sitting right near your heart, nestled into your life. Live it well.

Wow, the medium you will see sounds exciting, I will have to see if she is coming here. Thanks for the heads-up.

I am listening to a 1970 concert of James Taylor and Joni Mitchell together. It is lovely and peace inducing.

Loving you All,

dee

[4everjoeysmom]

Betsy, I cannot imagine anyone here--whether having lost an only child or one of eight children--would ever make a judgement that it should not be as difficult for you b/c you still have one. I know what you are feeling..the ups and downs of having lost one, and the ups and downs of trying to keep it together with the one that remains. "Couldn't wait to get there, and then couldn't get back home fast enough"... Man, do I ever know what that feels like!!

Kat, I'm glad that posting a little and getting some positive, supportive feedback here has helped to pick you up a little. New Year is so hard for all of us, to think about moving into yet another year without our precious child. I am really sad that Ant's non-father is still at it. He will get his, though... some day... and it won't be money. Him and his lawyer... I'll wait to hear from you and hopefully we can talk soon... HUGS!!!

I'm here Trudi! I love the fireworks photo. Beautiful. The New Year tradition in Ecuador is that folks dress up a dummy--using old clothes, straw, trash, whatever they can find, and stuff the clothes and put a mask on the head of it to depict "an old man"--the significance being the old year. Some guys dress in drag (as a woman grieving teh old man in mourning clothes) and with their groups of supporters go out into the streets all evening after dark. They rope off sections of streets and make cars stop to give a nickel or dime, spare change of some type before letting the cars through traffic. Panhandling in a festive manner, I guess. LOL! At midnight, everyone who has made a dummy like this--and there are MANY--light the old man on fire in the streets, in front of homes, businesses, churches, etc. Everyone cheers as the old man goes up in flames and the New Year is ushered in with celebratory cheers. I'm feeling old and tired these days. I may try to take a nap so that we can go out at 11-ish or so and take photos of all the shenanigans. I remember a few years ago when we were out at a church for NYE, the streets of the city were so quiet at 2 AM and filled with heavy smoke. It was almost eerie. Anyway, it's interesting how different cultures celebrate in completely different ways. If anyone did half the things in the United States that they do here during festivals and celebrations, people would be carted off to jail.

I want to echo Lorri's sentiments. I am so thankful for having my BI family's love and support to help me through 2009, another year without Joey, and for the love and support we all will continue to share in this new year. May God bless each one of you, and show you something truly special and unique to help you through this journey. I love you all very much!! ~Claudia (4EverJoeysMom)

[4everjoeysmom]

Sue, you are a stronger woman than I, setting aside your personal feelings to appease the crowd of friends for New Years. I would not go... not for that. Bless you and I pray that if you have super-tough moments there, you can think of Shellbell and all of us cheering for you. Much love and big hugs to get you through... ~Claudia

[mikesmum]

[user=27668]mysonrich[/user] wrote:

Rich will be gone 1 year on January 18.....

For those that have lost your only child, you may think that this is just so much BS. You may think that I still have a child and should be content in that. My daughter is not my son. They are not interchangeable.

 

I fear loosing her to my son's death. I feel her slipping away or am I slipping away.

I couldn't wait to get there and then I couldn't get back fast enough.

Betsy,mysonRich

Betsy - Mike will have been gone 3yrs January 18 - it has gotten softer.  I still fade in and out of life without warning. I am still to a point debilitated by that day.

I know in my heart that my daughter and son miss their brother.  They miss their mum too.  In their teens they lost a number of friends. Some from road trauma, some from drugs.  Each time I was the wise old woman to the group. A strength, a voice of reason. Our house provided a place for them to express their feelings, their grief with their friends.   I saw a group of young people so consumed by grief that they lost all reason.  That wise ole woman is lost in a fog now.

Will be holding you close come Jan 18.  Balloon day for Micheal will include Rich .....our kids are together my heart knows this.

I doubt anyone here who has lost their only child believes we "still have our other kids and should be content".  What we have is children with a future, for those who lost their one and only that has been taken completely.  Some of my strongest support here comes from 'one whose son is scrubbed in sunshine'. 

Dan - Thank you.  Love the poem, so true about the friendships formed here from a common bond.

Kat - OMG is that really still going thru. You'd think he would develop a new hobby. Oh I don't know, testing landmines with his foot!!!  Suxs they use the personal postings of grief in the courts.   Hang in there...can't wait to see your pics.  Great to see Anthony's face again.

Sue - Wish you strength and warm memories of Shell tonight.   I saw Lisa Williams here this past year. She is amazing with what she comes out with.  Enjoy the night.  Have to admit I wanted so much for her to look me in the eye and just say "Mike says hi and he's okay"....didn't happen

Betty - Same here.  As I type I see the many faces of Stephen posted here.  After MN I am able to see an animated smiling face of Bonnie, blue eyes, sunshine face and light from within - Jays mum without a doubt.  Miss Dee - I see  Tink that mischieveous nymph, the smile, the face pure Eri.  Colleen, a young mum with strengths that belie her years (Suburban Driver!) and oh yes unmistakeably Brians mum.  Marcia the multiskilling woman of style (purple boots) mother of the fashionister Bethany.  And of course their 'strange accents' (lol).

I wonder if this grief thing goes through cycles like the phases of the moon?  Centering not around the tides of the ocean but the internal clock of emotion linked to the times stamps around our childrens lives and death?

Its New Years day here.  Mother Nature turned on her own 'light show' here about 11pm.  Thunderbolts and lightening spectacular.  One vibrating dog huddled against me all night.  Temp about 32C!

It was 3yrs ago today Mike came to live with us for 10 days.  His partner (Harmony's mum) had called the police the day before to have him removed.  She stated he was threatening her.  An order was served and he was forbidden from approaching her/her family and his beloved daughter.  He was a broken man that day.  She wanted to go to a NYE party without him so she called the cops......lovely girl....breath in breath out...good thoughts....

This was one of the pictures she sent to Mike (bio dad). She actually put several pics on the platen and photocopied them....excuse the quality.  Note the time stamp....1610 New Years Day 2007.  Yep protective order in place - she rang him here and asked to meet him.  Sorry for the inconvience.

Have no idea who took the picture.  Her shirt reads, angel by day, devil by night.....

 

[Guest]

Just checking in Indigo's. 

I just wanted to add that no one HERE judges the pain of losing your only child or losing one of more than one. 

There are some, in ignorance, who do judge OUT THERE, though.

The pain is the same.  But, I cannot say if the experience is the same because I have other children.  Other children who still gather around me in strength and love.  All three of them stayed very close to me the week of Stephanie's death.  They all still call and check on me and send their love.  Each one tries to offer their own strength and support. 

And, I in return, try to be of support through their own journey of grief. 

I have that.  So, how do I know what it's like not to have it?  Having that does not take away or lessen the grief of the one I lost. 

But, I do still have children and grandchildren which bring a smile to my heart.  I am grateful each and every day for them.  And, I am in fear of losing another...each and every day.

Grief cannot be compared.  We don't qualify grief.  Each loss is in and of itself horrible.  I've spoken of my sister before.  She buried a husband and TWO children.  She had to walk through this horrible pain twice.  As well as losing the love of her life.  I have no idea how she did it.  She claims it was because she still had a young daughter to tend to.  Her young daughter became her reason for living. 

I'm not making any sense.  My pain of the loss of Stephanie is devastating.  But, there is not a day go by that I don't thank God for my remaining children.  Knowing they have the capacity to double my grief if he takes another.  Right now, what they do is help hold me up.

Sending you all love and wishing each of you a safe, happy new year!

Susannah/Stephanies mom

[katant]

Hope this comes up. 

[katant]

Here is my two neices, Jordan and Kenzie and my nephew Matthew in the middle.

[daveydow1]

Betty---Thank you so much for your kind words regarding Lisa and Davey's

clothing, which I have tucked away for all time. We love our children so much

that nearly anything connected to them becomes a treasured keepsake,

doesn't it ?   Peace be with you, and wishing you a better New Year.

 

Kathy---You mentioned that the drunken woman who killed your dear son,

Anthony, in that terrible wreck, seemed to be only worried about not getting

caught with the drugs, and not caring about the death she caused. From my

experience.....those who cause these fatal wrecks are only concerned with

GETTING OUT OF IT......legally. (The guy who killed my son by driving impaired was

just anxious to get it all over with, and get on with his life. He got a slap on

the wrist.) These people seem to be oblivious to the pain and

devastation they have caused, and want to just get through the "inconvenience" of

 the disruption to their lives. Your sweet Anthony is surely letting you know

of his love for you. Keep looking for these dear signs......we all look for them.

It's part of what keeps us going. Sending prayers for you, friend.

WISHING THE BEST FOR 2010 FOR ALL MY FRIENDS HERE AT BEYOND INDIGO.

               Dave&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[summergirl]

Sue - we are all with you as you go to the party for the Time Capsual Opening. You are a strong woman and I am made stronger by you as you go forward to this party while wishing you did not have to......breathe in and out my friend, your sweet daughter will be there with you.

I want to tell all Indigo's who are facing a new year without your loving child that I am so sorry, it is so hard but harder yet for those who are so new to this journey. I am on my 4th New Year without my Jessica which seems crazy as it will be 4 years on Feb 18, 2010 since she left.....I have faced many first's as many here have and  my only regret is that I did not find this site sooner then I did......although we hate the reason we are here, too be able to come here is a blessing, brought together by our beautiful Angels......I struggled so much until I found this site and I am proud to be able to share another year with all of you.

The pics are all so beautiful, some so sad.

Well, it is time for Tavian and I and Barry to have a little fun so I will say good night and my prayers are with all.....be safe and may all of our loved ones be safe.

 

[katant]

[user=9024]daveydow1[/user] wrote:

Betty---Thank you so much for your kind words regarding Lisa and Davey's

clothing, which I have tucked away for all time. We love our children so much

that nearly anything connected to them becomes a treasured keepsake,

doesn't it ?   Peace be with you, and wishing you a better New Year.

 

Kathy---You mentioned that the drunken woman who killed your dear son,

Anthony, in that terrible wreck, seemed to be only worried about not getting

caught with the drugs, and not caring about the death she caused. From my

experience.....those who cause these fatal wrecks are only concerned with

GETTING OUT OF IT......legally. (The guy who killed my son by driving impaired was

just anxious to get it all over with, and get on with his life. He got a slap on

the wrist.) These people seem to be oblivious to the pain and

devastation they have caused, and want to just get through the "inconvenience" of

 the disruption to their lives. Your sweet Anthony is surely letting you know

of his love for you. Keep looking for these dear signs......we all look for them.

It's part of what keeps us going. Sending prayers for you, friend.

WISHING THE BEST FOR 2010 FOR ALL MY FRIENDS HERE AT BEYOND INDIGO.

               Dave&Lisasmom,   Sherry

The woman who hit Anthony was sent to prison - 15 years with 10 to serve, she comes up for parole April 2011.  They say that they usually don't get out the first time.  No time will ever bring him back...I just need to look to the future and learn to find my way.  xoxoxo  Have a save new year

[briansdad]

because I hate typing I post with song. This is one of my Favs. Have a good new years if possible. I with toast all our angels with a Captain and coke at midnight.

[shorty16]

<a href="'>http://s8.photobucket.com/albums/a36/MichelleJackson/?action=view&current=Copy2ofHardRockCafe.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="'>http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a36/MichelleJackson/Copy2ofHardRockCafe.jpg" border="0" alt="hardrock"></a>

Our family Christmas Eve

Colleen, Scott, Michelle, Aaron (Brian in our thoughts)

[ericasmom]

Colleen, Michelle has the same smile as you and Brian. The left side of her smile, like yours, comes up a bit more. I love it. Aarron looks a great deal like his Daddy, what a handsome family you are. I am glad that you had a good time, that you knew you needed to go away and followed your instinct. Good for you. And how wonderful of you to take Mike with you to the ocean. Perfectly lovely.

love,

dee

Kathy, beautiful photos of your nieces adn nephew. Such a pretty ceremony, I am glad that you had this time with them.

Truds adn Bets, sharing that date, wow! powerful. Prayers and love as you both approach that difficult day. One year, three years, eventually the years will soften the edges of the event, but the dates of loss remain sharp with sadness. An important thing to remind ourselves, our Babies are in no pain, no worries for them. They are free, they are traveling with our love everywhere they go. They will always be your Baby.

Cindy, I never told you that I am so glad that your hard working daughter is going to be a speech therapist. That is one great job and it takes good grades to get through the program. Good for her. I certainly did not mean to infer that her good looks would automatically put her in a Hollywood state of mind, but how nice that she is adorable and motivated to do the good work of a speech therapist. Wish her well from me.

[ericasmom]

A thank you to all of my Indigo Friends. Thank you for a year filled with prayer and support for my Son Jon and his Daddy, Mike. Thanks for helping me through the hard terrain of more loss and depression in my Boy. Please keep him in your prayers as he tries to find a brighter day, he is doing pretty well, just want him to continue. I believe that we are all here to hold each other up, and to celebrate the ways we find to live and breathe and become productive humans again. Thank you for this light that you have shed.Happy New Year, 2010...

Dee

[rlolheiser]

Hello to all my friends here, at least I hope I am still accepted.  I have no excuse for bailing on the site or you.

It has been a difficult time as you all know, your all going through it.  I got so I couldn't post anymore or hardly read, my tears flowed like water spouts and I couldn't control it. My life was out of control and I didn't know how to get it back, I know I can't dwell on the bad, I have to go forward, I have no choice, no matter what happens here.

Firstly, thank you Betty, for your message.  I am happy to say I stayed off the bottle, I went and bought it, I cracked it open and even had a drink.  That was it... I can't go back to that way of life, JaBoa wouldn't like it, nor would the grands I have left, nor would my son.  I also saw the trees that were done wow.. thank you I have it on my desktop background

I was going to come here and name you all, and all the angels, who I adore.  But my mind isn't working enough, I need time to get back into the posting.

My life is still a mess, I think with my memories of my father, and his passing (his angel date is Jan 10) and taking care of mom, and missing JaBoa got the best of me.  I was down.  Nobody showed up for the holidays, which is strange, I haven't had a Christmas without people ever...  I am 54 and I for the first time was alone.  I guess you could say I had mom and my husband...  but mom has been in a mood and nothing I do is right... the husband too.. we aren't doing so well, and it is spilling over into my little guys life.  I don't want to leave, I don't want to raise a child alone at this age, nor do I want to leave him, so I have a lot of pondering to do.  There is so much I want to say and I don't want to jump into your lives again with my problems.

There was some good, I did take a little time here and there for me, I drove to town and brought JaBoa with me in my heart and we talked, and had some laughs..  I still battle with losing her.. I battle with God..  I battle with her mother.  I can't make people care the way I do, it isn't the way of the world, we are all different I visited her grave yesterday when I traveled to deliver Christmas presents to the grands (we were fairly snowed in with 14")

I don't know what the future will hold for me, it still seems kind of bleak, but I will survive, somehow, even when there are days I don't want to, I know I have a llot left to do here as long as God deems it needed.

I see there are new faces I am saddened for you, but happy you are here.  I lost my grandaughter JaBoa, she was 10 years old and died in a tragic auto accident, her mother was driving, I kissed her and hugged her not knowing that less than 10 miles from that spot she would be gone.  How I wish the kiss would have been more loving kisses, and the hugs stronger, and the smiles more...  but she was meant to be an angel in heaven not here on earth.

Thanks for listening to me.. thanks for caring.. thanks for being you and sharing your angels with me, and I am so comforted to know that my girl is in the company of such wonderful angels

Hugs to all/ Have the happiest New Year you can, find some peace, I know it is hard causes I am still searching for mine

Leah/Jaboa's grandma

[mysonrich]

[user=39355]msnher[/user] wrote:

There are some, in ignorance, who do judge OUT THERE, though.

thanks for saying this better then I did. I don't feel anyone judges me here, what I was trying to say was here I am belly aching , hurt, confused and not knowing how to deal with the events of Christmas day with my daughter and there are those here that have lost their only child. So I was thinking, " where do I get off"....but that also comes from the stupid things people have said to me. I'm sorry if it transferred here in a manner which I didn't intend. words were all jumbled with thoughts that flew out of my fingertips to fast.

 

 

Jason and Bonnie are both scribbed in sunshine.

 

3..2....1....on to a new year

 

Betsy, mysonRich

[heartbeataway]

Betsy ...... you are so sweet!

[align=center]Happy New Year my Indigo friends! 

[/align]

[mysonrich]

 

Bonnie, thanks , you are a kind soul.

[Guest]

2010.  It just is.

I've read all the posts and looked at all the pictures.  But, my brain is fried, so I'm not going to even try to remember who said what.

I've only seen a couple of pictures of you, Dee, but tonight we watched a show with Mary Steenburgen in it, and from what I've seen, she looks like you. 

Leah, I was glad to see you here.  I'm really new at this, but I sure do like seeing everyone everyday.  It just makes me feel better. 

Much love....Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lostwoher]

 Wowee, its actually 2010! Just had to stop by to say

 HaPPy NEW YeAR to YOU and all Our ANGELS!

LoVe & HuGS,

LyNn

[lostwoher]

Check this out ( hopefully it works )

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2029615&id=1263930387&l=103ab45436

[ericasmom]

Up late but just want to say goodnight, love and peace to Each. Lynn, love this avitar. Susannah, funny, I have been told that in the past and I am flattered.

Leah, be with us so that we can help you find your steps into the new year. One day, you will be helping someone else find their way. Never apologize for being down. We know.

Love

dee

[mikesmomrs]

I too am up late...nothing new for me, though...I am a creature of the night...

Just wanted to come on to say that I hope that everyone finds blessings in this new year, and finds some healing as the days and months pass yet again...

This past year has brought much to be thankful for, despite the heartbreaking reason we are drawn to this site in the first place...new friendships born out of pain and grief and continued out of an effort to connect and be close to those who share the same journey...  I wish for all of you the recalling of sweet memories that move through your heart like balm on a wound...to help with your healing, to help you on your journey. 

 

Leah:  Please don't concern yourself with feeling the need to apologize...that is the beauty of being here on BI...no judgments...just comfort, understanding and help with the journey through the healing process that we go through after losing a beloved child.   The "down times" are normal...we all have them, no matter how far out we are from our angel's day of passing...no need to worry about sharing/talking about your grief here, your "down time" or even your personal issues that rise up like stumbling blocks in the way of our healing.  It is all part of the process, and sharing our grief and our troubles, as well as any joy we may find coming our way, is how we help each other to that next breath, that next day, that "softer" place that eventually we somehow find amidst the scars of loss that line our heart. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[jobaby]

Oh good someone else is awake.  I don't know alot about everyone here but have tried to catch up.  Your words are so true and real... I did not quite finish. I am not so good at this.  But, just basically wanted to say you  put thoughts into words which I am not very good at doing.

[ericasmom]

Good sunny morning, at least it is sunny here in Chicago, but real cold too. The sun feels quite worth it to me however, glinting off the rooftops, shedding light on a new day, a new month, a new year, a new decade. I am always happy to start the new year, excited by the possibilities.

Lynn, love the snowman, wearing shades, thanks.

Greg, thanks for the music. I didn't know that you hated to type...

Husband (gardden gnome) and I went out to dinner locally with his uncle and uncles girlfriend. Lovely people, and a great time. We then went down the block to our friends, Marion and Jimmy, for thier annual NYEparty. It is a small affair, about 20 folks at themost at any one time, food, and chatter and music, and of course the countdown. Husband stayed the whole way, so cute. We walked home and he went to be while I sat with the quiet. I need that alone quiet each night. I wrote out my hopes and my resolutions, my prayers on paper and took some matches and went out to the quiet yard at 1:15 AM. There I stood in the steps Eri left that last day she was here, and under the blue full moon, I asked God, the Universe, and Eri, to help disperse my words to become the energy that drives us in good directions, to find beauty in each day and to also spread goodness in each day. It was a serene moment, I lit the paper adn watched her burn, sending curls of dreams into the cold air on a blue lit night. AMEN.

Carol, your words here to Leah are well put and heartfelt, so Leah, hang onto those as they truly are the core of this place. You needn't know who is who to read and post, that comes with time, and it will come. The personal baggage is something we all have, it comes with being human, and when humans go through tragic circ**stances, the life around them begins to react often badly. Your family needs assistance, but you cannot make that happen, you can only be responsible for you, and in so doing you will do what is best for your Little One. My heart.

Bonnie, how goes it? Are you and Rich still watching over and giving guidance and shelter to the young GG?

See you all later, going to the gym and then out with two school friends for a few hours.

love and hugs

[shellbellsmom]

So glad last night is over and we have no plans today.  For the most part the evening was a drag….kept wishing it was time to leave and it wasn’t yet….and even the food wasn’t anything to get excited about either.  Would have rather sat home I think. 

I pretty much stayed away from all the action and just talked with a few friends I hadn’t seen in a while.  When everyone was laughing and filling out their forms for 2020 I ignored them…and when they opened up the box and started handing me stuff I just either gave it to my husband or set it in a pile.  My husband read Michelle’s form- he held it together too.  When they watched the video I was in the other room with a friend and my husband.  I could hear her voice several times and her laughing and heard a few say “oh look there’s Michelle”.  That was enough for me.   It’s over and I survived it. 

One interesting thing did come up last night though.  I was having a conversation with a friend I have known since college days (30 years) and she was talking about her mother’s depression and anxiety due to her husband (my friends step-father) recently passing and she was getting my take on grief and depression.  Then it came up that her brother who was 18 died in an auto accident when she was 9 (41 years ago).  This was news to me….anyways I asked her how it was for her when her brother died (a topic I was definitely interested in).  She immediately teared up and said- I just remember being scared, and then she said and then I lost my mother for almost 9 years- She said she still has major abandonment issues from that.  She said her mother was always there physically but emotionally she checked out when her son died.  She said it wasn’t until the whole family started family therapy nine year later that they all became close again. She said she pretty much raised herself her teen years as her mother was not emotionally there for her or anyone else.  She kept saying “she just checked out”.   I knew exactly what she was explaining….and I saw the deep sadness in her eyes still to this day.  Not so much for her brother dying but rather sadness remembering what happened to her mother and how it affected her and her other siblings after the accident.  Then it hit me like a ton of bricks…. I believed I have checked out some too.   My son went immediately away to college and I didn’t have the emotionally energy to help him either the first two years…he must have just survived by himself similar to how she did. 

This conversation really opened my eyes. Not sure what I am going to do but know that I can’t let this happen to my only son- I don’t want him to feel abandoned my me or his father.  I know physically I am present in his life, but not sure if emotionally I am helping him much either.  I guess I got some good stuff to discuss with my therapist on Monday.  Anyways, I felt like I was meant to have this conversation…and last night too.  Strange how things happen at certain times that cause a light bulb to go on.  So even though I didn’t plan on making a resolution this year I think I just did…I hope to be more available for my son emotionally and be more present in his life.

Lynn love the snowman, and Greg – thanks for the song from another angel now.  Dee we have sunshine here too....gotta get some vitamin D today. 

 

Happy New Year all my BI friends.    Sue

[mikesmomrs]

Col:  I just love the pic of you and your family...so expressive, and your beautiful children obviously happy to be with their sweet parents...memories to store and savor...

Sue:  I also believe that you were meant to be part of that conversation last night...I hope that you are able to work it into your therapy session and help it to give you strength for your resolution...a good one, to be sure, and one your whole family will benefit from. 

We have our grandson, Jamie, who is 11, here today...spent the night last night so his mom could be with a couple of girl friends at a "girls all-nighter."  She hasn't been out for NYE in many years, so she was really looking forward to it.  Jamie's overnight with us was fun...he is a good kid.  We watched "Night at the Museum---Battle at the Smithsonian."   Later (like 1:30 or 2 am or so), once we got his pillow changed out SEVEN times before he found one he was comfortable with, he even fell asleep!  Kindly slept til ELEVEN this morning...yahooo!  No matter, he's fun and smiley and happy so long as we have a stock of chicken strips and EasyMac, which we fixed for his supper.  He had just spent two days with his dad, whose meal offerings consist largely of veggies and fruit, which is good, but he was glad to be allowed his favorites for a special NYE's treat.   

Love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs