Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Pam, how are you Dear? Yes, that first holiday season without your Baby is horrendous. I am glad to see your post, knowing then that you are finding your way to the edge again, out of the deep hole. We all go there, but take solace in knowing that we go there less in the coming years. Mary Ann did post, I believe, right after or right before Christmas. Remember to take good care of you. It matters.

Love,

dee

[lolynbo]

BONNIE I WLDNT NEVER THINK U WERE BEING "MEAN" ITS JUST NOT IN U...LOVE THE PIC OF YOU AND YOUR HUNNY ON FB R U IN JASONS JEEP?...CUTE PIC..

I HAVE MARCIAS ADDY IF NO ONE GAVE IT TO YOU LET ME NO...

WELL CODYS GRANDPA DIED HE WAS  99 SO THE KIDS ARE COMING IN AGAIN TONIGHT...FUNERAL TOMARROW...BUT ALWAYS GLAD TO SEE THE KIDS

I THOUGHT IT WAS SWEET FOR KODY TO MAKE HIM SISSY A SNOWMAN..WE WERE THERE AND HE JUST SAID "IMM MAKING KOURTNEY A SNOWMAN " AND STARTED SO WE HELPED...IF ANYONE FROM THE HWY SAW US , THEYD THINK "WHAT KID OF PPL MAKE A SNOWMAN IN A CEMETARY?"....WE THE KIND THAT MISS THEIR LOVED ONE BEYOND WORDS...AND DO THINGS WITH HER STILL AND TRYING TO HEAL...

HOPE EVERYONE HAS A BLESSED DAY...

WE HAVE MORE SNOW COMING I DONT THINK I WILL TAKE ANY ROAD TRIPS THIS TIME

[pknight]

Dear Dee

I read just about eVery day & I do agree that u

R so inspirational! I always look forward to your post.

I will take your New Years advice. I wouldn't have

Made it this far without this site! I worry about

Mary Ann we r like bookends to the same story!

Her son Brian & my Kenny both blood cancers, age

& passing so close to birthdays. I use my BlackBerry Pearl to

Get on with arthritic fingers so I don't post much.

February 1st (3 days b4 his birthday) is fast approaching:

The final first to face after New years! My daughter

Has gone off the deep end (drinking & etc). I told

Her that I now know I can face anything except

Losing her too! Some days it feels like I already have.

Once again standing helplessly by while my child

Slips away! My GP had the balls & stupidity to say it is Karma.

He got loud with her when he was in pain. I make it an hour @ a time, some

Times a minute! Thank you all for being here in a place

We would rather not be!

Hugs

Pam Kenny's mom

[hotrod]

Good Afternoon Indigos

 

Bonnie and Dee just as in your world,   it is absolutely   freezing here in NYC  The wind is fierce but the sun is shining brightly so I did venture out to walk by the river and shop.

 

 Dee I understand having to go in and feed the small creatures in your class room.   I have a small  squirrel who  lives in a tree outside my apartment.  He injured his front paw months ago and now limps very  badly.  He has a difficult time climbing trees.  Opening nuts is really hard for him so during these cold or rainy days I make a special effort to find him, give him a hand full of shelled nuts and  stand with him until he finishes. 

 

Today was so cold I thought I would not find him but I was successful and he has now  eaten and is back in his tree. These small things make my day sometimes.

Feeling down today and remembering the good times. I honestly do not know what to hope for or aim for this New Year. 

Maybe just to be able to show up each day with a  kind and peaceful heart. 

 

Susannah I smiled as you recounted Stephenie's meeting with Jesus to your small granchildren.  Grandma saying  Sxxt and Pxxs really amazed the children:D I am there with you today  Not able to really get it together.

 

Cindy I am so sorry for the loss of your wonderful Lab.  Animals are such a comfort and they are missed.  I understand her little friend missing her as well. You are good to give a little extra love and food and comfort.  It was good to see Tanner wonderful face on the Board today

 

Pam I missed Kenny these past few months so glad you have posted.  I am so sorry to hear about your daughter, and understand only too well how you feel.  I will pray for your family

 

Lorrie  I am sorry to hear about the death in your family  I will light a candle today

 

All other Indigos please stay warm  I am thinking of you and your angels

 

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

.

[heartbeataway]

Lorri,

Yes, that's Jay's Rubi we were in ......

Sorry about Cody's grandpa. Wow, 99 years old! 

I now have Marcia's address ...... Thank you Greg!

Betty,

How sweet that you feed the little squirrel.  When Jason was little we found and raised a baby squirrel.  He named it Peanut.  When it got old enough we let it go.  Quite the experience.

Cindy,

Sorry about your pup .....

The boxer, Marley Blue, that we had when Jay was growing up died years ago.  We had her cremated.  We were going to keep her ashes and have them mixed with ours.  That's how much we loved that dog!  Anyway, they are now on the mountain with Jason's.  We did the same thing with Cody the Kat's ashes.  Just seemed like the right thing to do.

[mikesmum]

Warmth from down South to all the Indigo's here.  Its going to be 35C so with Em, Caleb and Muttley in tow we are off to the 'river'. 

I remember those first weeks.  Sleep was something I no longer needed.  I needed Micheal.  I dragged out boxes and albums of pictures searching for signs of 'life'.  I needed proof of his life. A box of momentos I have from the early years of school became a haven of memories.  His guitar finally with us sits a silent sentinel marking his being. That need is still with me although a little less as the reality sinks in.  Pictures sent to me by Mikes friends come as a welcome affirmation from those who remember.

Claudia - rest and take care my friend.  The rainy season together with the past months has the ability to take all your energies.  If you need anything to enhance your recovery let me know.  Can't send you electricity or water but you know my thoughts and energies are with you.

To those new here, this is a journey no one should have to endure.  It does have its phases, though there is no order to any of it. 

Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself.  If you find yourself overwhelm seek the support of a professional.  It might take a couple of tries to find one that you click with.  Even medication under medical supervision can help to tone down the tsunami of emotions that rock us each day.

Most of all - while the physical is no longer here (and believe me I miss the hugs most) there is so much about our kids that remain.  

Carol, Colleen, Marcia, Bonnie, Kathy, Dee, Annie, Amanda, Dan, Susannah, Lyn, Sherry, Betty, Betsy, Lorri, Terrie, Patricia, Rosie, Greg, Cindy, Pam, Carrie, I come here so that each day I might find that next breath, the energy for the next step to continue in the life I have now. 

[briansdad]

[user=17130]mikesmum[/user] wrote:

I remember those first weeks.  Sleep was something I no longer needed.  I needed Micheal.  I dragged out boxes and albums of pictures searching for signs of 'life'.  I needed proof of his life. A box of momentos I have from the early years of school became a haven of memories.  His guitar finally with us sits a silent sentinel marking his being. That need is still with me although a little less as the reality sinks in.  Pictures sent to me by Mikes friends come as a welcome affirmation from those who remember.

Trudi,

It's odd you said that about videos and pictures.It's exactly what I did.It confirmed to me for some reason that I had him in my life.

Greg

[mikesmum]

Its funny isn't.  I remember an analogy used in a psychology class way way back...."if you take your hand out of a bucket of water there is no sign it was ever there".  A bit like if a tree falls in the forest......... 

I needed signs that Mike was here...

[hotsauce]

hello everyone, 

TRUDI and GREG, that is just what i have been doing with all of BRIAN"S things.

Pam, i 'm still here holding up the books, just not posting lately. my neice had surgery,, tried  to be there for her. just pray she doesn't have ovary cancer.

LORRI, sorry about you son's grandfather.

to EVERYONE, i hope you all have a safe and happy new years eve if ANYONE is going out.

giving out lots of hugs

mary ann

BRIAN'S momdukes

 

[briansdad]

[user=17130]mikesmum[/user] wrote:

Its funny isn't.  I remember an analogy used in a psychology class way way back...."if you take your hand out of a bucket of water there is no sign it was ever there".  A bit like if a tree falls in the forest......... 

I needed signs that Mike was here.

 

I remember how upset I was when my wife packed away Brians clothes because I would go to his room and go through his dresser. I don't know why but I felt closer to him for some reason.It still bugs me that I can't do it any longer.

Greg

[briansdad]

[user=19401]heartbeataway[/user] wrote:

Greg,  good idea!  I also really enjoy the video.  I watched it over and over for a while.

Rich related to the Dad saying he wanted to make the kind of difference in the world that his daughter would have made.  I related to the "space between breaths".  How would we ever arrange an endeavor like this?

Bonnie and all of you here.If you wanted to set a video camera on a tripod and sit there and relate your experiences then have the video put on a DVD and send it to me.I could compile all the videos with some editing of course and we could post it on youtube for all the civilians who haven't lost children.Let me know what you all think.

Greg

 

[ericasmom]

Pam, I am glad that you have found this place as a helpful and healing as the rest of this FAMILY, we are kin to one another, joined in complete brokeness, and united by the need to tell our stories and be understood, to be listened to, to learn how to breathe and feel the sun again, to hear the birds, to say the names of our Children and to hear their Names as well. I think that Kenny must be very proud of the ways you are facing the days, though I know that not facing them sometimes seems more seductive. I am glad that you are here gleaning the bits of gold that are scattered by our hearts here. I am so sorry that your Girl is being destructive, how very difficult. How old is she? Have you told her that you simply cannot handle losing her to this self destructive behavior? I will pray that she can hear your words, can hear the skip in your heartbeat when you think of her. I know for a while after ERi died, I was so worried about my Son. I felt at times that I was losing him as well, to depression and I know that many young people reach for danger when their lives have gone topsy-turvy. Kenny's birthday will be a bittersweet endeavor but the fact remains that the date of his birth holds special magic and always will. Always.

I can't remember Pam, (brain more sieve like than I would like) do you and Mary Ann live near one another? Sorry that your fingers hurt due to arthiritis, did this come on all at once or gradually?

Oh thanks for your kind and fwarming words, if my words help you along the way then I am made happy.

dee

[ericasmom]

Betty you said this;

Feeling down today and remembering the good times. I honestly do not know what to hope for or aim for this New Year. 

Maybe just to be able to show up each day with a  kind and peaceful heart.

I say three cheers to the hope to show up each day with a kind and peaceful heart.Imagine Betty if the world of people out there tried the same thing. Imagine the sound that would prevail...a peaceful chime of people, not beeping at one another, not swearing at others, not rushing past those that need a smile, listening to each other, imagine that Betty if your simple and beautiful hope could be the hope that others around the world tried. It is a huge and encompassing thought, a very wonderful one.

Hey, I used to feed many squirrels in our old backyard, until they brought every relative of theirs and were crawling up our screened in porch. But I do love the squirrels, today in the very cold they were scampering all around, in fact I grabbed my camera as soon as I got out of bed because two were sitting in the Magnolia tree even withthe second floor window, and they looked so sweet in the sunlight. I give them apple cores, pear, grapes, and they rifle the compost heap which is great. I used to give them peanut butter on bread crusts or crackers, but that was when they told all of their friends...

Your little lucky limping Buddy has you to depend on, and I know just how good it feels when you know that you made an animal smile or relax.

Mary Ann, good to see you here today, understandable to not want to post much as you travel this very bumpy road, but glad to know that you are out there. Thinking of you, sending thoughts of warmth and companionship to you.

Heart to you,

dee

[daveydow1]

Pam---I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Kenny. This is a place

where none of us would want to be, but have somehow found our way to.

I am glad to see you posting again.

 Everyone here understands the sorrow, and sometimes lonliness,of

grieving for a lost child. It has been a lifeline to many here...myself included.

We can say what's in our hearts....be it on the downside or looking for some

hope to pin our thoughts to. Please come back to BI whenever you feel the

need. I have been on here over 6 yrs.......along with Dee.  No matter how

long or short a time on this journey.....we all share the same thing---the loss of a

 beloved child.  May you find some measure of comfort in your memories of dear

 Kenny.

 Prayers for your daughter. Peace to you.

                  Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry 

[daveydow1]

Betty---Yes, I agree......remembering the good times can bring smiles and

tears at the same time. Sometimes it is about all we can do to just face

the day---no matter what our outlook. Wish there was something to say

to ease your pain. Peace & Comfort to you, friend.

MaryAnn----Thinking of you as you travel this rough road, and hoping you

can find a bit of serenity. I don't have to tell you how brutally painful that first year

 can be. Peace and prayers.

          Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry 

[summergirl]

Greg, love the idea of doing a "video" and relaying our experience of those first days, weeks???     I too have packed away Jessica's clothes and they are in my walk-in closet....however, I kept out certain items that were her favorite, a pair of jeans, a belt, a sweater and her beloved coat....now and then I put them on and just sit quietly....remembering. I understand your need to go in Brian's bedroom and see his clothes etc.....  

I am having a better day today but as I read the posts tonight it seems as though everyone here is having a sad day and that is so heartbreaking.  Why do we have to endure things now that used to be such happy times? Another WHY not answered.

It was sunny here today but only 26 degrees and the wind is howling....wind advisory for tonight.....rain/snow for New Years Eve but not much difference to me as I think I will be staying home......invited to a party with friends but would much rather spend it with Tavian.

Trudi - love the idea of you going to the river while I sit here in joggers, t-shirt and sweatshirt and oh yeah must not forget the socks......not a pretty picture

Lorrie - I too have gained weight since Jessica left us...in the first few months I lost so much weight....went down to 100 pounds....husband got worried so kinda made me eat.....it was so hard, it was an effort just to chew let alone swallow food that tasted like cardboard.  Now I am 10 pounds over weight and HATE it but it is what it is until I can finally get to the gym...told Barry I am tired of putting it off and I need to go plus I need some downtime for me so in Jan I will start....

Miss you Marcia.....

Love and Peace to all   Kathy

 

[ericasmom]

Greg, I do like the idea, though I feel very nervous in front of a camera. Let's discuss this further.

As far as weight, well one thing we also have in common is age range. Most of us are within a ten year span of one another, so weight is also a factor because of age. I go to the gym, walk 5-6 mornings perweek, power walking, and still I am heavier than I used to be. Doc assures me that menopause has a good deal to do with this. I have hot flashes that wake me sometimes 8 or so times per night, and many during the day. That hormonal change does a number on you. I think that having gone through a tragic and traumatic experience could also alter the hormones as far as kick-starting menopause early for some. I am 53 so it is not early. I only know that there are times that I could melt snow by simply bending down near it. I'M hot but not in the same way you are Lorri. You're HOT looking.

i am trying to attach a photo of Eri and me when she was about 15 or 16.

love ya,

dee

[ericasmom]

I love this photo of ERz, I think she looks so pretty, this prior to her long dreads...

[arc4ever]

I too am heavier than I have ever been.  I am 44 (almost 45) years old 5'3" and 147 lbs.  That is probably 10 lbs or so more than ever.  So, several weeks ago I decided I had had enough, I have enrolled in a boot camp style class starting January 4th 5 days a week for a month (we'll see if I survive the first month and go for month two!).  The catch - it is 5:30AAAAAAMMMMM until 6:30AAAAAMMMMM!  Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it.  I got home tonight and thought, okay let me see if I can survive a one mile run/jog.  I didn't too too badly, it is cold out probably 30 degress or so.  I made it and came home and cried.  As you may know my Adam was a cross country runner.  I bought my running shoes while with him buying him a new pair for the season.  We cheered him on at every cross country meet (my husband would scream "run Adam!" cheering so loudly Adam could hear him from the farthest parts on the course.  He didn't mind though me on the other hand, I couldn't stand beside my husband, it hurt my ears too much!).  So anyway, when I got back tonight from my one mile attempt at running, my husband hugged me and we cried.  I am doing this exercise class for me I have to get myself moving, but I know I will cry many times and plan on wearing a wrist warm band with Adam's picture taped to it for inspiration.  I'll keep you informed!  - Seriously people, wish me luck I may not be able to move after the first week!!!

Love to all, Terrie (Adam's mom)

[Guest]

I want to!  I want to do a video.  My husband knows how to set up the tri-pod and video.  I just don't know what to say....but, count me in!

Can you give us a little example of even how to start?  Do we just start at the beginning - getting the call - and then talk through present time...the experience.  Maybe you could write a list of specific questions that you would want answered???

And, then you could edit???

In the book, "The Grieving Garden" the parents just answer questions...

I would love to tell the world, however briefly, about my Stephanie!!  I would love for the world to see her picture...if only for a moment.

Now, I'm going to go read the posts.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

 

[Guest]

I'm still so new to this.  I haven't been able to go through Steph's stuff, yet.  I've begun a few times, but then just quietly walk away.  It's all still in the middle of the garage.

I have her purse, journals, letters and all the stuff from her service including condolence cards in a rubbermade tub in my closet.  I looked through all of that stuff every day.  I read her orbituary several times a day, and I'm the one who wrote it. 

And, then when I crashed...when I found this site, I put it all away and haven't been able to look at it again, yet. 

This next part might sound offensive to some....but, the day after she died, I went to the crash site and found the exact spot where she died.  I expected to find blood because she had completely bled out, but they cleaned it up pretty good.  So, I dug with my hands until I got to her still wet blood.  I just held the bloody grass and mud in my hands and rocked back and forth.  I could have gone the rest of my life and never washed my hands but I had to for the kid's sake.  I saved some of the bloody grass and dirt in a little Christmas box I happened to have in my car (it was August). 

The best part of that whole experience is my son was with me.  He never spoke a word.  He just quietly knelt beside me.  While I dug, this little whisper in my head that sounded like Stephanie kept saying, "What are you doing, Mom?  Mom, what are you doing?"  That's how she talked to me.  Saying it twice like that...while she was alive. 

I've talked too long.  It's so fresh.  And, so far away.  I could tell that story....the story of her death all day every day.  I loved it when the responding officer came to the house and asked to see pictures of her.  He asked what she was like...who was she? 

Deep sigh....I gotta kiss the kids goodnight...

To whomever takes the time to read my long posts, thank you. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[briansdad]

[user=39355]msnher[/user] wrote:

I want to!  I want to do a video.  My husband knows how to set up the tri-pod and video.  I just don't know what to say....but, count me in!

Can you give us a little example of even how to start?  Do we just start at the beginning - getting the call - and then talk through present time...the experience.  Maybe you could write a list of specific questions that you would want answered???

And, then you could edit???

In the book, "The Grieving Garden" the parents just answer questions...

I would love to tell the world, however briefly, about my Stephanie!!  I would love for the world to see her picture...if only for a moment.

Now, I'm going to go read the posts.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

 

I would hate to limit you to some questions I think you should just tell about your feelings the first  minutes, hours, days. we could post the like here under the heading for newcomers.It may be of great help to them.

Greg

[shellbellsmom]

Good evening....just finished reading through the 6-7 pages of posts.  I started posting several times only to be interupted each time....All alone now so hopefully I can get a few words typed in this time.  The holidays wiped me out and been sick didn't help matters either.  I am so glad they are over!!!!  Just a NY eve party left to attend and that will not get over fast enough for me. 

For the most part, Christmas was OK... managed to get through it the best I could....got stuck at the cemetery on Christmas Eve and almost ran over a grave, called my husband and he was able to get me out though.  I stayed dried eyed while opening presents in the morning but caught my husband just a sobbing once...was so hard to keep it together after seeing that.  Had a melt down last night coming home from the movies- Went with  my sister n law and her daughter, and my sister and her daughter and my mother and her two daughters and me without my daughter.  Today, I just got things catch up here and laid all day on the couch just thinking about how sad it is going to be the rest of my life with out my Michelle.   Kept wondering if I will ever truly be happy again.  Right now, doesn't appear like I will.

Just wanted to acknowledge Rosie and tell her how sorry I am for her lose of her precious son Andrew.  I watched the video...thanks for sharing his life with us. Looks like he loved the theater some...It's amazing that you are here so soon.  I hope you  find some comfort here. 

Pam- I don't remember any of your posts....but I too (similar to MaryAnn) lost my child Michelle to blood cancer (leukemia) at the age of 22- 2 1/2 years ago. 

As for signs....yes I got one.  On Christmas as I was getting up from the table I noticed a glass "BELL" ornament that had fallen off our tree....not broken just laying there for me to notice. Of all my ornaments- and never before had any fallen off- that day the BELL one did.  We all knew that was her- our little Shellbell. 

Greg as for describing the 1st few weeks after my daughter’s death on video~ it sounds like a wonderful idea, but I am a mess talking about it....my therapist goes through a box of Kleenex each session with me....and I like being behind the camera....maybe for some of us just our voices, or short sentences to transition into one cameo to the other.  Just a thought. 

Love all the photos....videos, poems, stories, and thoughts.  For everyone under the weather wishing quick healing, and for everyone here praying for your strength to get through another minute, hour, day, month, and new year.  Peace Sue

[ericasmom]

Hi Sue, and Everyone. I was thinking after reading posts today adn yesterday, it sounds like many are having some post holiday let down. As much as we might be glad that the holiday, well one of them, is over, we still let down as all of the control we used to get through them is gone and we face some deep blue, INDIGO, days. So I thought of one song that sings the blues with me, always has but by Gwen Stephanie's husband, something Rossdale. He sang an acoustic version of Fleetwood Macs Landslide at this year's BRIDGE SCHOOL BENEFIT CONCERT in California. The Bridge School Concerts are my favorites as they are put on each year for 24 now, by Neil Young, One of my favorite people in the world, and his wife Peggy. All of the money from the concerts and sales of the CD go to the operations of the Bridge School which services kids with developmental delays, language disabilities, and physical differences. It is a wonderful school filled with bright colors, happy teachers, ramps and big rooms for therapies...what a guy that Neil is. Anyhow, each year he invites different musicians to play at the concert, and Rossdale and his wife played this year, along with many others. Here, I hope, is Landslide;

[ericasmom]

And another favorite song, in fact one that I had a total meltdown with many years ago, I replayed the song about 15 times as it struck a chord of deep pain that neededto play itself out, as he sang, "I want to see you dance again, because I'm still in love with you..." I wanted to see Eri dance again, a unique blend of movement and abandon. Sheryl Crow sings along on this one. He has some great friends, as do I with all of you.

[ericasmom]

Terrie, how cool that you are running both to get healthy and to be connected to the sport your Adam loved. I cried when i read that you got home and cried. Often, the things that make us feel best, the ways that we stand in the place that our Children cannot, are so emotionally charged that we must let it out however it comes. Good luck on the BootCamp. My boss did this for a time, she did ache for sure, it was a great big workout, but she was in no shape, never having exercised. You will hurt, but you will adjust and eventually not hurt. My best to you,

dee

[mikesmomrs]

Like Sue, I have been reading back through many pages of posts since my last one…I have attempted a few times in the last couple days to post, but also have been interrupted, and at one point, lost a post I had been working on, even though I had it in Word, planning to cut and paste!  Kids here over the last few days and the house has been in chaos.  Spending time with them is fun, of course, and I wouldn’t want to miss a minute of it, but sometimes it can be overwhelming, especially when the older boys are here together, as they were over Saturday night.  Chandler arrived with the beginnings of a bad cold …At first we thought it was his allergies, but by the time he left, he had the whole ball of wax…fever, etc.  I had hubby quarantined in the bedroom til Chandler left, but then when I got home after taking the boys home, he had a fever and of course, that means worry mode for me.  Today, thankfully, his fever is gone, and he said he felt somewhat better.   We had a dr’s appt for him out of town, so spent the day out and gratefully coming back to a warm, cozy house.  It was 12 degrees when we set out, and went down to 9 before we got home.  Wind was cutting like a knife…windchill was down to 15 below!!!  BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Thank God I was able to bring him right to the door of the clinic, as he really can’t be out in that kind of weather…takes his breath completely away. 

There have been so many posts since my last post, I will never catch up, so will just touch on a couple of things that come to mind.

Discussion was had over pouring over pictures and items of our child…The last few days before Mike left us, I had been working on his tribute, and whenever he would be sleeping, I would be totally immersed in his life, from the very beginning to almost the end, which came just a couple of days later.  After he left, I had to keep going into that part of my world…photos reviewed, over and over, articles read…like, I believe it was Susannah, who said that she read the obituary over and over…I also did that…even though I too wrote Mike’s.  I think I was hoping that at the end of it, I would find a sentence that read  “this is being written just in case Mike ever leaves us.”  In between, I wanted to climb up on the roof and scream at the world to stop turning…my son was dead!!!  How can life still go on?  Then I started on his memorial web site….hours and hours and hours…pouring over his life, writing about it, rewriting about it, editing, pouring my heart onto the computer, crying, couldn’t see, no sleep for days on end.  When I went back to work, I don’t know how I functioned…that first year, I doubt I had an average of 3 hours of sleep a night…some nights none at all, as I would look up from the computer and see daylight coming in through the windows.  During Mike’s last two weeks, he was here at our home for hospice care, and I would stay up with him most of the night, because that was the time he was most awake and I didn’t want to miss a minute of it.  So, I got very used to not sleeping.  Then, after he was gone and I had the time to sleep, I couldn’t.  Still not back to any normal function of sleeping---still see daylight many nights before I can lay my head down---or not. 

Trudi said “I remember those first weeks.  Sleep was something I no longer needed.  I needed Micheal.  I dragged out boxes and albums of pictures searching for signs of 'life'.  I needed proof of his life. “  This so very much summed up my life during those days, weeks and months.  Then, before I knew it, I had to prepare for Christmas…Christmas?!?!?!  I just wanted to crawl into the closet and never come out again…thank God for the grandkids, hubby, and my daughters…likely that closet would have been my home indefinitely…

Dee:  Love the pic you posted of yourself with Eri…the love is just beaming off the page…all of the other pics posted over the past few days…just beautiful…thanks so much for sharing, everybody.  My camera broke on Christmas day, so had to use a “disposable” that I happened to have on hand…will have to wait until I get them developed to see them…

Susannah:  “I could tell that story....the story of her death all day every day.  I loved it when the responding officer came to the house and asked to see pictures of her.  He asked what she was like...who was she?”  I am so glad that you had this kind officer come to your house…I am sure the shock of what you were hearing was breaking your heart, but his kindness and concern likely helped keep you in the moment…kept you from going completely over the edge. 

Terrie:  I wish you luck with your “boot camp” program…any possibility of that type of exercising is far behind me, but I do need to reacquaint myself with our glider…these past few weeks have found me stiffening up with the cold weather, and I need to get some juices flowing again.   

Trudi: I love how Mal took it upon himself to pack up a lunch and planned the trip to the river…yes, it’s like you said, just when you think they don’t get it…there’s a surprise waiting: compassion, understanding, knowing what is needed for that moment.  I am so sorry about Micheal’s thunder egg, but I am so glad that Mal saw it as a heart---it would seem that he truly understood what it meant to you. 

Rosie:  I am so very sorry for the loss of your handsome son, Andrew.  I watched the video on uTube and saw a wonderful, handsome, loving young man…you have many wonderful memories of him, and I pray they will bring you comfort in the next days, weeks and months, as you wend your way on this journey of  loss, pain and, eventually,  healing.  You have come to a gathering of people who offer much comfort, caring and understanding, and send out a sense of hope for those, like yourself, who are new to this journey and feel as though the pain will never change…it does, Rosie…it never goes away, but it does get softer, less piercing, but it takes time…lots of time. 

I am so happy for those of you who found signs from your precious child over Christmas…Sue---the “bell” was perfect! 

I hope that you all were able to spend some time this Christmas making some new  "remembries" to carry you through those days when the darkness descends again and our hearts seem to not want to beat...  (Lorri:  thinking of your Kody's snowman for Kourt, and your beautiful Kimmy's reuniting with her Cody!  Bonnie:  Your providing of respite care for your "guest" will send warmth to your heart as you remember...  Susannah:  Your talk with Mariah...sharing this season with your grandkids, seeing them so content in their new life...treasures taking up residence in your heart...just a few examples of the many I read about)

I have a beautiful story of a wonderful Christmas gift to share with you all, but will have to post it later today, as I don’t have the pictures loaded yet.  There are some truly wonderful people in this world, and I believe that those gathered here on BI top the list…all of you are just so caring and understanding and provide each other with such comfort and love…

I wish you all a peaceful morning…thinking of each of you and holding you all close to my heart and in prayer…

Love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

Mikes long term love Lauren waited up all night to hear a 'breaking news - Micheal Shane Hendrie died today aged 31".  I guess it was surreal, is surreal.

Mixed day today.  Emily has developed a love of photography and Granma is all for it.

The river was a haven for multitudes of dragonflies.  The elusive blue was missed, but these are Em's pics.

Meerkats meerkats meerkats

Dropped the grandies home this afternoon. Muttley decided to introduce himself to their cat.  Bad move.  $115 and 1hr with the vet later we are home with three slices to his eye, a torn 3rd eye lid and a very sad and sorry Muttley.....Not to mention a shaky owner.

Greg - I think something along the lines of Space Between Breaths would be great.  No questions persae, but perhaps something of a guide??

Terrie - Boot Camp.  Yep they have them here.   One group start the same hours as yours, they make the coffee/bakery by 7!!

[jobaby]

Trudi,  Love the pictures!!!

[nicksdad]

Trudi...The pics are great looking...at least no snow or cold temp..

Reading about exercising and weight is amusing...Being a guy typically I guess the mindset is we don't really care...but I do...I have probably put on 25 pounds in the last year or so....Feel terrible about it all the time. Went as far as buying some workout clothes and just staring at them now for a few weeks....But today is the day...I will work out and will continue to do so. I am going to lose at least 20 pounds. Before I retired from the Marines I was like 185 pounds, felt good, kept in shape etc....But, lately no desire   Am going to change that..

Ericasmom...Yes the pic of ERz with no dreads is very beautiful looking. Personally I like the dread look for some reason looks like 2 different personalities of her.

We still have Nicks clothes in his closet and some in drawers of his. Last week I was harrased about my hat I have worn forever being raggady<sp>...But, didn't feel like buying a new one so went in Nicks room and found a Honda one he had and now that is my new hat..He has like 20 others that are all very very nice and new but they have those wierd logos and things on them..people would surly look at me like "what in the world"....But, oh well, will have to see if this one last.

Going to setup Nicks area for New Years this monring, taking daughter to West Virgina I think Charlestown or something like that (slot machines) becuase her birthday is the 31st and she will be 18...should be amusing and  hopefully enough to get thru the New Year.

Greg...The video idea is great and  hopefully you get others to partake in it. Yesterday I was in the book store looking for something but it's all so not my thing. I liked The Shack, all the Mitch Albom books, The Christmas Box and some others I have read...But, can't read "30 minutes in Heaven" ...read issues with that or another was "20 minutes in hell"...or all the ones from people with "PHd's and their toughts on the subject"...I don't know know of that does it for me.

[lolynbo]

NO PLANS HERE FOR NEW YEARS..(WHO THE HELL CARES)...

BOUGHT SOME CHAMPANGE AND OTHER THINGS INCASE I GET INTERESTED...BUT I DOUGHT IT.

I HAVE ALL KOURTNEYS CLOTHES..I NEVER TOOK THEM TO KOURTNEYS KLOSET..IM NOT READY..SO I WASHED THEM ALL AND PUT THE FOLDING ONES IN  PLASTIC CLEAR TOTES AND THEY ARE UNDER HER BED AND THE HANGING CLOTHES ARE IN 3 CLOSETS I HAVE....MY MOM AND  MY SISTER WENT THROUGH HER SHOES WAY BEFORE I EVEN DID ANYTHING WITH THE CLOTHES..(TRYING TO HELP ME)...I WEAR A 5 1/2 TO 6 SHE WORE A 8 SO I CLDNT WEAR THEM ANYWAYS..

I THINK SOME OF YAL GET CONFUSED (WHO WOULDNT) WITH MY CODYS KODYS

KODY IS MY SON HE'S 17 AND CODY IS MY SON IN LAW HE IS FIXIN TO BE 30...SO IT WAS CODYS GRANDPA THAT DIED...MY KODY HAS NO GP'S.

I TOLD YAL WE WERE RED NECK..LOL

HOPE EVERYONE HAS A BLESSED DAY...TTUL

LOVE YOU KOURTNEY LYNNY MOMMA MISSES YOU

ME AND KODY MANY YEARS AGO..

[Guest]

Hello Indigo's

Still very sad.  I hope I don't "crash" again.  I've been doing so much better.

This doesn't matter, but just for information sake, I'm not a big bible/Jesus person.  But, I think I probably sound like it.  What I mean is, I respect everyone's beliefs.  Basically....I believe everything is true (and false).  I say that because I seem to talk about Jesus a lot lately.  Hmmm.  Stephanie was a big Jesus/bible person.

Anyway, there's the parable in the bible about leaving the whole flock to go find the one lost sheep.  Stephanie's not even lost.  I don't think so.  I have three other children.  I have all these grandkids, three of whom I'm raising.  I have a wonderful husband and his kids and grandkids.  Why can't I be happy with what's left instead of so destroyed over the one that's gone? 

I watched half of Andrews video, Rosie.  I haven't listened to any of the songs posted here, yet.  They all make me cry.  And, I'm afraid if I start crying again, I won't be able to stop.  That's what happened before I found you guys.  I couldn't stop crying.

I couldn't sleep, either.  I didn't care about sleep, except my body needed it.  That's why I went to the doctor.  Sleep medicine didn't help...but, the anti-depressant he gave me has. 

I'm sorry, Indigo's.  I'm back to wondering what I'm saying right and what I'm saying wrong.  I went to my AA meeting last night and it felt so good to be around the people who love me.  They all showed up when Stephanie died.  Some of them knew before I ever left the hospital.  I never called one of them.  My sponsor, who had cancelled our meeting that day because she was out of town, called me while I was driving home from the hospital.

"Where are you?"  I asked.  I didn't want to deliver the news if she was driving.

"At your house."  Was her response.  Seems when we hung up the phone that morning she got a strong urge in her gut to get home.  She got the call as she was driving into town and just went straight to my house. 

Trudi - I'm so sorry about Mutley's run in with the cat.  I'm glad the cat survived.  Poor Mutley.  Poor cat!  Poor you. 

[Guest]

Nicksdad - I've read the Shack and The Five People You Meet In Heaven. 

[briansdad]

[user=17130]mikesmum[/user] wrote:

Greg - I think something along the lines of Space Between Breaths would be great.  No questions persae, but perhaps something of a guide??

Ok, First I think it's important that people see a face to the story. You don't have to look at the camera.Also if you cry no big deal you can do it more than once and I'll edit out what you don't want.

1 - Days leading up to the angel day

2 - The day they left us

3 - Funeral Prep and the Funeral

4 - Friends, good and bad

5 - Where you are today

These are only guidelines if there are any other ideas feel free to share.

[briansdad]

HERE IS A SAMPLE OF WHAT I HAD IN MIND

[hotrod]

Hello Indigos

 

Greg I do believe you are on to something.  I think about Stephen every minute of every day-his life- his smile- his beliefs- his heart and visit his clothing often.  I too think I would have to keep it simple and that would be more powerful.  I think this endeavor would focus me in such a positive way just as the Flag for Bonnie's' Pinnacle day. I will review the web site you posted.  I agree with the suggestions.

 

Trudi just as Tavian is our virtual Grandchild I believe Mutley is my virtual pet dog.  I am so sorry he has been hurt and do know he is being well cared for.  The pictures were beautiful.  Thanks 

 

 Dee Speaking of pictures I too loved the picture of Eri and  Dee .  Both so beautiful and shinning with love. Lorrie loved your picture with Kody as well.

 

Jobaby so good to see your name again  Please keep coming back

 

I, like the rest of you have gained weight since Stephen passed.  Stopping smoking did not help- I have a gym membership but going there and swimming in the cold has been hard.  Terrie  wish you luck and truly believe you can do it with Adam running along side. 

 

 I am going to buy a W11 with the exercise program for New Years.  There is hope for all of us.. 

 

Susannah I understand the place you are in and am so glad you have such a support group.  You , myself  and many here sound very Spiritual -not Religious .  Please be gentle with yourself today

 

 I remember the bible story of the  "Lost Sheep" it does sound as if even though we have other children, if we loose one we will keep searching.  I do not have any other children, my husband passed 20 years ago and I have no grandchildren- I can indulge all day everyday

 

Going to See Avatar  and have a quiet  dinner for New Years.  That is a start.

 

I hope all have a peaceful day

 

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[shellbellsmom]

Greg when would this be needed by.  Are we emailing you the video clip ( What format .avi, or mov. file?), or mailing the video tape to you?  So, it sounds like you just want us to talk a bit...and you will edit bits and pieces.  The times right before and right afterwards are such a blurrrrrr....Would you need us to email you a photo or two as well?  Sounds like a great project.  I was planning to do a video like this for the LLS but couldn't figure out how to get people to send their tapes in. 

As for gyms, weight gain, and WII fit ~ yeah, had them all....Gym membership is put on hold as I told manager it was too hard going and crying the whole time...WII fit is truly missing me.  Did it for many months until I got into one of my six month depressions which I still think I am in.....and for weight gain- yep, big time gainer, doesn't help much when you sit for hours, and don't have the ambition to do anything and most of the time don't even care. 

As for clothes and items....everything except a few articles of clothes which I gave to cousins right away are still there.  Several times I thought maybe I could but once I started to....quit and couldn't do it.  Bought a large trunk which I had planned on saving a few things and letting go of all the others but only have albums in there....Want to make a blanket/quilt out of her clothes (mainly teeshirts and jeans) but haven't found anyone I trust just yet.  All her belongings are in large rubbermaid tubs in our basememt- how she brought them home from her apartment/college.  She was a pack-rat and they are full of stuff.....not ready to do anything with them as of yet.  Her bedroom is pretty much like she left it (except clean though).  My husband and I aren't in any hurry to get rid of her stuff....not even close. 

Greg....just an after thought- maybe we should also include a few lines people have used on us that have hurt our feelings- you know the ones where they tell you "they are in a much better place right now"....when we all know we'd rather have them down here with us.

Got therapy today.....more reliving the hospital days....and all those feelings of helplessness....and lost of control.  Really missing her lately.....Take Care everyone, Sue

[briansdad]

SUE ,

I'd think it would be better if I had a DVD mailed to me.This is no rush.If we Indigos do get together this summer i'd like to have it finished then.By all means I want the stupid things people have said to us. That was what the Friends, good and bad catigory was for.

[ericasmom]

Greg, I am loving the ideas set forth here, thanks for the energized way to start the new year. Thanks so much. It is like the flag energy, thanks to Bonnies idea. LOVE IT!

The time frame alleviates my worries, thanks for that too.

Betty, I could no more swim in cold water than I could jump out of a plane. I go to the older person warm water pool to do my water work out, 84 degrees. I also use the elipticals and the track and the weight machines that are good for me.

Dan, okay, get out there, run, walk, lift, swim, you can do it. And you will because you seem motivated. I agree, the dreads were definitely a part of ERi's personality, they just go with her, but it is nice to come across this photo and see a time in our lives together that were pretty rocky, (hard age) and see us together smiling. I like the angles of her face, her gorgeous eyebrows framing those pine forest eyes.

Boy, I am out for a walk where I will find the colors of my girl.

dee

[ericasmom]

Colors

The sky is as you once were-

as though one drop of red paint was mixed in a hundred gallons of white,

the palest,

just a hint-

a promise of color.

Those were your cheeks-

just a hint of color graced your pretty self.

A hint of red mixed into your alabaster -and spread across your cheeks and lips,

and then the color of sky at twilight mixed with pine trees-

dark blue-green eyes.

One bearing the mark of rust or lightening,

and dark lashes closed those pretty eyes,

one day for all time- closed.

I miss all the colors of my girl.

dee

[shorty16]

WOW, Indigos,  I had to go back 15 pages and counting for Dec 23, when we left for CA.

Our entire family is off all week. - How great.

Michelle got her hair cut yesterday.  She donated 13" to Locks-of-Love.  They make wigs for cancer patients.  She looks so different!

AJ is at Luka's house for the last 3 days.  His mind is being reprogrammed by X-box.

Scott is painting (hopefully).  Just one bathroom left to finish painting.  This remodeling never ends.

Love to you all.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[4everjoeysmom]

This message is for Carol, (Mike's Mom RS). I wanted to send in a PM, but cannot see where to add pic files there. My laptop fried a couple of months ago, and I lost all of my e-mail addresses. This is a picture for you of Jhoana.

xoxoxoxo

Claudia

[ericasmom]

Back from a long walk, left at 10:20 and came back two hours later. I fed some deer, first came upon two male laying in the snow, they got up to eat, one guarding while the other ate. Then as I meandered, I came upon a large female. She was not close to me, but I stood still and clicked my tongue as you would for a dog, and she stood, stretched and walked to me, stood about a meter and a half away and happily ate the bread and pears I had for her. I continued walking through the neighborhood, so quiet, not much going on, I was happily alone with my thoughts, and I shared many of those with Eri and Michael. I walked and walked adn doubled back to the nature preserve and saw those animals in cages due to injury and saw many birds that gather at the many feeders that the center offers. One bird I was delighted to see up close was a downy woodpecker. So pretty. I feel as light as the snowflakes that are falling. It is in these kinds of times that I feel so close to our Angels, out among the trees and birds, and all that has been here long before us.

Trudi, I love the photos, especially MEERKATS, and love that Em is into photography. Muttley had a bad day though, sorry old Boy. We used to have a collie, Mazzy, and each day she would run downstairs to say hi to Stormy and Bullet the cats. Well the cats did not like Maz, but she either had no short term memory, (like me) or she was ever hopeful, (like me) that this day would be the day that the cats would like her. So each day she chased them down the steps, tail wagging, and each day I heard the familiar HISSSSSSS, and the cry of Mazzy. Nope not today old girl.

I remember feeling as you explained Trudi, that I needed proof that ERi was here. That she existed because if I did not have proof, then perhaps she was a dream, maybe everyone I ever loved were dreams, figments, pieces of a thin fabric that dissipates in the air. Gone. I hunted pictures like it was my job, and every person that sent a card and a memory and a photo helped me to see that she not only was real, REALLY my Daughter, but that she left her mark on so many. She was going to be remembered by so many good humans, and for that I have been very grateful.

Susannah, I saw you in my mind, digging the dirt up to get to the evidence of your Daughter's life and death. To touch that which proved her once alive, once here. I too would have taken the mix of blood and grass home to be protected with the other keepsakes of her life. HOw old is your Son, the Boy who sat beside you as you dug?

Carol, I am so glad that you had so many days with the boys. But I sure do know that they must tire you in some fashion. Glad to hear that Hubby is on the mend.

Sue, I love the 'BELL' that Shell left you to see. What a dearheart She is.

[Guest]

Dee - My 6ft 2in, 200 lb son is 25. 

 

[mikesmum]

Oh the weight thing, well each 're assesment' by the psychs ends with 'how much weight have you put on since Micheal died"....ALLL OFFF ITTT - idiot.

Greg - Yep I think the guidelines and the YouTube gives an indication of what can be done.  Maybe a short piece in there about your child before they graduated to angels.  It could also be shot where you feel closest to your child,  a place that you feel comfortable in....

I would love to see you Dan and more of our BI family.  The DVD would be something we could all see as a 'first release' there.  I would have to work on my accent!!

Dee - I swear you haven't changed.  If you put glasses on in the pic your the same girl I met in MN. 

Lorri - Another one who looks like time stood still.......not alot of change between the pic with Kody and the cruise pic...

Colleen - Michelles beautiful hair, now part of someones recovery, she has a beautiful soul.  Yep the reprogramming by XBOX part of indoor life.  Caleb has a DS and its relegated to the cupboard while he is here.  Heck we have sunshine and fresh air!  Have to admit though he was stalking those dragonflies like it was a level on a game.

I have ponderance times where questions wander through my head and I have to stop and think hard.  One in particular, did Micheal consume my every thought every minute of every day while he was here?  If not why does he now?

The other is having such beautiful grandies, two amazing kids and a husband the really is trying for a degree in getting it why do I struggle with the loss of one, when I know none of us is getting out alive?  HEAVY and not just my butt..

Em turns 11 Jan 15th, hard days follow....she wants to come with me to release Mikes balloons this year...tears, my baby grandie growing so fast.

Muttley is recovering.  Eye ointment - antibiotics 3 times a day.  Trying to stop him rubbing it out will be my mission today...

Its New Years Eve here.  No major resolutions for 2010.  I hope to be more present in the lives of my kids/grandies, to open my heart a little more.  It has been steeled against the pain of losing Mike for almost 3yrs now, needs a dust.

Mal is working tonight.  Hate New Years Eve.....mainly cause dumb people do dumb stuff causing major problems......praying all stay safe, both the public and the emergency service guys.

To all my BI family - For you I wish one strong sweet memory to fill your hear this New Years eve of the baby you once held now forever free.  I wish you the strength and peace that once were part of your life now elusive.  I wish you a New Year with new hope and new memories that link to the past in such away our babies are never forgotten.......

Take Care - Micheal Shane Hendrie's mum........

 

 

 

 

[mikesmum]

[user=10710]briansdad[/user] wrote:

HERE IS A SAMPLE OF WHAT I HAD IN MIND

Greg and all - This is a recent update on one of the mum's in that original Space Between Breaths.  I think there is also another mum who was in that first DVD.

 

It gives another dimension........Trudi

[ericasmom]

Wow, almost everything that the woman who wrote Children of the Dome, said, is what I too believe. That it is imperative to go out and live as good a life as I can and do the good things in it that Eri might have done or that are really important to me...life is precious.

Trudi, I have wonderings like those you expressed as well. Keeping that Loved Angel at the forefront perhaps is a guide, taking you on journeys that were otherwise lost in the day to day. I think too, that in effort to never forget, in effort to honor and feel that Child, we keep them in the front of our days and nights. I do picture and feel eri with me, resting on my shoulder while I traipse through the woods. She travels I believe, back adn forth from friends to family, doing Angels work. Hopefully it isn't to keep anything neat or clean, I am afraid she inherited my sloppiness.

Hey Trudi, no need to work on your accent, it sounds halfway believable to be Australian. Love you.

OH what a compliment you gave Trudi, I definitely see the age on me now, but what the hey, I am nine years older than that photo.

Hey, happy new year in the great down under. I think that your resolution sounds just right. Being more present in the little ones lives? Great one.

Supposed to be a Blue Moon tomorrow night, a second full moon for the month on NYE. Make a wish.

[daveydow1]

Dee--- Oh, what a lovely poem..."COLORS". Your walks in nature sound just

divine, and you describe them so well. Imagine....having deer coming so close

to you that they accept food. Your ERi is surely with you on your walks, and always.

 Do you live next to a park or nature preserve?

 I agree about holding onto our child's clothes. I have David's Cleveland

Browns clothes still, and other clothes, also in a tote which I will most likely

always keep. I still have little Lisa's baby clothes---only 8 or 10 pieces from almost

40 years ago, and a few of her toys.and her baby book of just 6 mo. Can't part with

 them. I, too, am not doing anything special on New Years Eve. Staying home. When

I was young & carefree,(before tragedies), I would never have stayed home on New

 Years Eve. 

 

         Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry  

[mikesmomrs]

Well, I was going to share a gift that I received over this Christmas, but must include another, wonderful, totally unexpected gift, received today...a very dear person, from that warmer than anywhere here right now land down under, sent me a most beautiful little book, accompanied by a letter of wisdom and caring that I will treasure always.  A meeting of like hearts and minds in MN is still reaching out and sending love around the world...thank you, so very, very much, Trud...I treasure your reaching out; I treasure you.

As for the other gift...we had a wonderful gift given to us by yet another of those awesome people from the meeting of the hearts and minds in MN...Colleen and her family, as you all know, went to California for Christmas this year.  They planned to spread some of Brian's (and Col's mom's) ashes in the Pacific.  Even though this was a trying and emotional event for them all, Colleen graciously extended her caring to also carry some of our Mike's ashes on their journey and mission to the Pacific...One of Mike's last wishes was that some of his ashes be spread into the Pacific ocean...a wish that hubby and I planned on granting, this past spring/summer, but because of complications of hubby's COPD, we were unable to make the journey.  Colleen and her family, through their awesome generosity, took along some of Mike's ashes, and in a separate ceremony, spread them into the Pacific.  She also then wrote Mike's name in the sand, as part of the ceremony and sent us pictures of both the spreading, and his name written in the sand from the Pacific ocean...soon to be engulfed in the waves of the ocean forever, but also forever caught on film, for us to have always.  I know that Mike was smiling even more than usual on this Christmas day, as one of his last wishes was finally granted, in a place that held a permanent spot in his heart.  Thank you so very much, Colleen, and your family, for the time and care you gave to this wish.  This is a picture of Mike's name, in the Pacific sand...written on Christmas day, in the warmth of the California sun... 

love to all, and a peaceful evening...

carol  mikesmomrs

[andrewsmother]

Its been 11 days since Andrew left us and nothing seems to be getting better, in fact, just the opposite...I feel like everyone is starting to go on with their lives except me.  I had a fairly good day yessterday until I pulled out some old pictures of Andrew and started gathering his birthcertificate, birthday invitations, graduation pictures, school pictures, baby pictures...you name it, I had it.  For some reason I have this incredible need to gather all these things and separate them, put them in a very special place where I can always look at them.   I feel like I'm losing my mind...I lost total control of myself going through that stuff.  Today wasn't much better...I find myself talking to him in my head all the time, sometimes I play online solitaire and I tell him things like ok buddy, if you're still with me in spirit show me by letting me win this game...I feel like Im really losing it, I can't tell anybody these things except you guys or they'll put me away.  I got a good ear pulling from my son Chris today, he told me  he needed me, that he felt he was losing me to depression and that I needed to go on for him because he needs me in his life, we had a long long talk and then I felt better because I know he is right...very wise for 16.  Two wonderful signs made me feel better, on Dec 25th I sent Anddrew a Merry Christmas Message on Facebook.  This morning that was the message on my screen, everything after December 25th was erased.  This has happened twice, both times dates have been erased to show a message to or from Andrew...coincidence?  I hope not.  Kristen, my son Chris' girlfriend had a dream about Andrew, in his dream he told Kristen that he needed a favor, he said to tell his family he loved them, then he said, don't forget this when you wake up, make sure you remember and tell them I love them.  She said in her dream he opened his arms to hug her and she did but it was a feeling of hugging a cloud, there was no physical person there.  He then told her he would visit her again.  Maybe Im reaching for straws but I believe my son is sending us a sign.  On a different note I want to share with you guys my last facebook post...some people have been so wonderful and some others couldn't take a second to offer their condolences...I'm removing all these negative people from my life...Its a little harsh according to Chris...but truthfully, I don't care:

The worst thing that can happen to anyone has happened to me, my son Andrew died in a car accident on Sat, 12/19. Some of you have been wonderful. Some are not in FB and I trust someone will share with them my gratitude for their concern, people such as Bridgette Gonzalez, Teresa Baute, Ana Denis, Joel Lopez, Jorge C...ento, Alice Fregoso, the folks from Capital Mortg, WMC, Merrill Lynch & many friends from Chase.  Even some people that I have had differences with such as Star Ramirez and Crystal Perrin. For the rest of you that could not take the time from your busy holidays to acknowledcge the loss of a young man who happens to be my son, I will be doing as Santa would, making a list and checking it twice.  To take a second of your very happy holidays as you update on the joys of your happy life as mine has been distroyed and offer your condolences, or just a quick note showing you care would have sufficed. Amongts my pain, I see clearly who is worth keeping as a friend and who is not. If you find yourself no longer as ...my friend on this site you will know the reason why.  Life is funny, and what goes around comes around. Maybe one day you will be in the horrible shoes I'm in today and will remember this post. 

This is horrible and I hate my new life...I miss you and love youAndrew so much!  

Your wonderful posts give me so much comfort, thank you so much for the help you offer, I'min no position to offer any and I'm sorry for that but I do believe you guys are angels on earth being guided by your angels in heaven.

My love to all of you,

Rosie...Andrew's mom