Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest]

Good morning, Indigo's! 

Amanda - You are beautiful!  Your little Ashton is just adorable.  It will make you feel better to have Grandma watching him while you're at school.  I bet she never puts him down.  I know I wouldn't. 

Beth - It's hard on all of us to lose our children.  But, the way you lost Zachy has to be especially difficult.  I can't imagine what your family is going through.  I am impressed with your ability to care so much about others at this awful time.  You gave me such warm, loving encouragement when I found this site.  People judge.  We all do.  None of us should.  It can cause so much damage.  One of my dearest friends was upset with me the first few weeks Steph died because I seemed to be handling it TOO well.  Then when I crashed emotionally (just before I found this site) another friend was disappointed in me because I had been doing so well.."what happened?"  was her comment.  I just loved them anyway.  I haven't tried to explain myself.  Oh hell!  I can't explain myself.  I don't understand it, either!  LOL  But, I know you all help me in more ways than I can explain. 

There is a judge here in Casper who is well loved.  He is fair and tough and actually, kind.  Several years ago, he was enjoying a family day at the park.  He and his 3 yr old little girl were running to try to get the kite in the air.  The little girl tripped and fell and Daddy tripped over her and fell onto her....his knee hitting her chest just right.  She died from the impact.   How they carried on after that has to be credited to their faith (and probably a lot of support) but I never see him ( unless he's on the bench) that he doesn't have a smile on his face and a greeting to offer.

You hang in there, Beth!  "Father forgive the stupid people, for they know not that they're stupid."

Kathy - You all are up late!  My son knocked on the door at 8:15 and we were all in bed already.  He sure got a kick out of it. 

Carol - Have fun shopping with your grandsons today!  I'm tired just thinking about it.

Claudia - Hope you are rested!

Bonnie, Sonya, Dee, Sue, Mary Ann, Marcia, Dan, Leah and all the Indigo's...thank you for being here when I arrived.  I'm sorry you had to be here, but I'm so glad there's a place for us to come together. 

When a welcome is extended here.....it is with medicated love and healing ointment in hand.  It isn't a "Let's party" welcome...it's a heartbroken understanding welcome.  It says, "We know why you're here.  Come, sit with us." 

Much love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

 

[ericasmom]

ROHAN-Please sweep across your Momma's day in ways undeniably YOU. Let her feel your peace and serenity, making sure of her spirit with yours. Everyone here is moved by your story Dearheart Boy, and we love you and know that our Angels are holding your little hands.

A peaceful heavenly forever...

dee

[ericasmom]

Claudia, please take care of this stomach issue, we don't want you getting weak. If it is the parasite thingy, can you find that out in relatively short time, or will they give you the meds without knowing? I wish you a long nap today and upon awakening, no more headache,(so hard to do anything with a bad headache) and the ability to eat.Your work is not only emotionally charged but physical too, and combined with the personal and spiritual challenges of grief, well something gives. We teachers almost always get zapped with colds and stuff when on break, as I did two days ago, it is the body saying, "oh you are finally going to sit and rest a bit hu?" We don't always realize how much we do until we are frayed. Prayers then, for your healing and strength.

Carol, love that you all gathered over HOney Baked Ham and Turkey, too bad that the turkey was not tasty, but I do love the gathering. I don't think that the ornament was kitschy at all, it represents so much for your Daughter and You. It captures not only the times of Michael's days, but of yours together healing in the place he held so dear. I love that Cathi went to the trouble she did to give you what has become so dear to her. United in your sentiments.

Bonnie, I love the foods you cook, traditional or not, always sounding so good, comforting foods. I know how long the day seemed, here too, and I am re-energized now that it is the 26th of December. HOORAY for this day of no pressure, no schedules, no expectations. I am looking out the window at falling snow, gentle dance from skies of gray and I am happy and will probably go for a winter walk in a few moments. The weeather man said that yesterday we had 10 minutes of sunshine and that was the total of sunshine in 8 days here in Chicagoland. Boy it is so, and I noticed the sun peeking out yesterday too. I may go to the gym later and work in the warm water pool which sounds wonderfully theraputic right now.

Tomorrow is our 11th wedding anniversary and we will probably go out to a matinee' and dinner. Low key. Our wedding was a morning event with a 5 piece sifonetta at one of our favorite restaurants. WE were married by a Justice of the Peace and my Son walked me down the restaurant aisle and my Daugter led us as our Bridesmaid. How does eleven years go by so quickly, though there have been times...well you guys know how hard marriage is sometimes, through everyday crap but then through grief? Never easy but worth it.

Susannah, Mary Anne, Betsy, Patti, Beth, and Shelly, and to all who have traveled your first Christmas time without your Dearhearts, my healing heart to you.

Blessings,

dee

[ericasmom]

This is a photo from our wedding. Here Erica stands with her oldest friend Tamara, and my husband's niece Bridget. Eri and I went shopping for dresses at the OLD MARSHALL FIELDS in Chicago and found this pewter dress for Erz, we had a stylist come to the house  the morning of...a special time.

[briansdad]

[user=39355]msnher[/user] wrote:

Greg - How did your kids react to the video?  So much love and tenderness.  I am a fan of Vince Gill...that WAS who was singing, wasn't it?  I had never heard that song before.  What a treasure you created for your kids.  You're a good dad!!!

Yes that was Vince Gill and thanks for the compliment.

Greg

[mysonrich]

Rohan, In the Arms of the Angels.....

[hotsauce]

SHELLY, i am so sorry for you, on this day, i hope your angel ROHAN, sends you any special signs. 

hugs

mary ann

BRIAN'S momdukes

[andrewsmother]

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=253103602066&subj=1100430156

 

I want to share this video with all of you, it was made by Andrew's friends and shown at his viewing.  It was a week ago we lost him at 3:15 am.  It all feels like a blur.  I'm still unable to get out of bed, mornings are the worst.  Just don't really know what else to say...I know I'm being selfish now, just thinking of my loss when all of you have had to endure the same thing...for that I am so sorry.

[hotsauce]

good afternoon to EVERYONE.   i hope you all had a good christmas!!

the poems, pictures and videos are all so beatuiful.

AMANDA, your baby Ashton, is a good looking baby,  i put my son BRIAN, his first christmas, dressed all in red and his little santa hat under the christmas tree , he was 6 mos. old that christmas, that was the best present under the tree. 

i hope EVERYONE has a good weekend.  i can't want until the holiday season is over.

raining now then more snow on the way.

hugs to ALL

mary ann  

BRIAN'S momdukes                                                                                                                 

[lolynbo]

I HAVE ORBS...LOOKING DOWN MY HALLWAY..(MY HOUSE WAS MESSY SO IGNORE IT)

[lolynbo]

WEDDING PICS..LETS TRY IT AGAIN

[lolynbo]

MY SON BEING SILLY WITH HIS HANS DEVICE.."IM READY TO RACE MAMA"

[lolynbo]

KINDA SAD KINDA PRETTY

[dannysmomma]

Ashton is BEAUTIFUL!!So is Mommy:)What a doll baby!and Congratulations even tho it's a little late{{hugs}}}Lyn

[dannysmomma]

Ok so holiday weirdness..couldn't find my vial since yesterday..kids playing Rockband,they choose Ghostbusters,one of Danny's favorite movies,no sound so Jonny,who's been a little depressed missing his brother moves the tv to check the connections and finds my vial/necklace behind the tv.I told him there's your sign because I don't have a clue how it got downstairs.Oddly connection were fine and the sound came back on.My angel:)

[ericasmom]

Andrew's Mom, I am deeply saddened to see your Handsome Son's face here but glad that so early in your journey you have found us. WE are here, and never ever feel you need to apologize. We get it, besides, there is nothing selfish about grief. It is all consuming at times, especially the first year, two years. It takes so much effort to do any of what seems day to day, so ease up on yourself. I am so sorry Dear. I could not access your video as I do not have facebook, is there a way for you to send it without the facebook need?

Tell us about Andrew when you are able. We have other parents here just in front of you on this path, just weeks ahead, so please know that while many of us here have been doing this for a long time, (me 6.5 years) we embrace each new parent to this place. I will give you the advice the nurses gave me when we sat in the Trauma Center for 6 days so many years ago; drink a lot of water and juice, herbal teas, as the tears shed and lack of sleep cause deydration, eat some protein everyday even when you don't want to eat; slice of cheese, peanut butter on cracker, egg. Try to allow yourself the space you need without crowding in the what I must do list, right now whatever you feel is what you need. THere are no wrong ways to grieve except and unless you are doing something harmful to yourself as your Angel, Andrew, would hate for you to do that. Hang on Sweetie, it is a rough ride, remember to write here anytime, there are many here who really know this early time all too well. All that I can promise is friendship and kinship beyond words, and I can as an 'oldie' here promise you that one day, but not for a long while, but one day, you will feel the beauty in the day again. Never feel like you are rambling, we all listen very well as we have been listened to very well. We have wide shoulders, strength beyond measure as we have learned the very hardest lesson in this world which is to live strong in the face of incredible Loss.

Peace at some point,

Dee

PS how did you find this particular site?

[ericasmom]

RIGHT ON DANNY, letting the family know, especially your Bro, that you are with them.We miss you guys but your guys are right here with us. How dear of you to work in the ways you did. ANGELBUSTER! So glad Lyn, that the vile was there, but you knew that didn't you? You knew you would find it. Very connected to that Boy of yours.

Kinda special Lorri, the beauty and magical quiet, but  sad, I agree. Orbs galore Lorri, and if you call that messy, come on over and laugh your butt off.

[lolynbo]

OK ONE MORE MY GIFT FROM BROOKE..ITS A DOMINOE NECKLESS WITH A PIC OF KOURTNEY AND KIMBERLY AT KOURTNEYS WEDDING...SO CUTE...

[andrewsmother]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGSnaIWz29I

 

Im so frustrated....I've tried downloading this so many times.  I finally put it on you tube.  Here is the video played at my son Andrew's viewing.  I'm angry!!!!!!!!

I hope no one is offended by this  but ****!  Why do these things happen?  Why me?  and why all of you? 

[andrewsmother]

Never mind...it didn't work...it's too long...............................................

 

 

[daveydow1]

Shelly___Thinking of you and sending prayers for ROHAN'S ANGEL DAY.

Peace & comfort to you.

Zachysmom---Thanks for sending the pic of your sweet little boy, Zach.

Lyn----Yes, I agree---it was a sign from Danny that you found your vial

necklace....in a spot that you did not expect to find it.

K8smom----Thanks for the beautiful and inspiring poem.

Amanda----How sweet little Ashton is !  You both look so happy & contented.

What a great gift you received for Christmas.

 

To all at BI.......I am way behind in reading the posts. So, I am wishing

 everyone PEACE & TRANQUILITY.

                  Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

[ericasmom]

Oh Andrew's Mom, I am sorry that you tried so hard to get it up on utube and it won't show due tolength. I am sorry, hope my request didn't serve to frustrate, well it did, but I am sorry. WHY? why is something that we have many a discussion her about, and many of us have found that Why is unanswerable. It is HOw that we have to find the answers to.

How did my Baby leave this world? How on Earth did this happen?

How do we manage now?

How do we shp at a grocery store,

go to a social event or function?

How do we answer when folks ask us how many Kids do we have?

How do we look forward when backwards holds the only view we want?

THe answers to these and so many other questions, except why, come with time. THe answers come with going through grief, and the only way to get to the side of grief that allows you a long look to see the road you traveled, is to go through it. All of us here know that there is no way around it. You will not go without a lot of heartache, but you will go and as said to so many others, we are on this same road, so step in our footfalls until you find your own steps.

My hope for you,

dee

[mikesmum]

[user=41012]andrewsmother[/user] wrote:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGSnaIWz29I

 

Im so frustrated....I've tried downloading this so many times.  I finally put it on you tube.  Here is the video played at my son Andrew's viewing.  I'm angry!!!!!!!!

I hope no one is offended by this  but f***!  Why do these things happen?  Why me?  and why all of you? 

Rosie - One heck of a handsome guy.  It is hard to find a reason why we are here and our kids aren't.  Anger is something that comes with this territory.  Thankfully, being here allows us to 'vent'  surrounded by those who know.

I have been here almost 3yrs and believe me I have been through anger, despair and driving  myself insane with the questions.

Pls come often and share Andrews story.   One thing I hold onto is that Mike (my son) was so much more than that one lousy day that saw him gone....he was in my life for 31yrs and that counts for so much.

Dee - My thougts with you and John as you 'celebrate'.  Love Eri's dress, where is the picture of the bride and groom.......Saw this and just had to post it......

Lorri - congrats on the Wedding and love the pics of your 'baby boy'.

Shelly - arms across the seas hold you today.....ROHAN ROHAN ROHAN ROHAN

 

[summergirl]

Welcome Andrewsmom although I am so very sorry for how you found your way to this wonderful site. My name is Kathy, lost our beautiful daughter Jessica Feb 18, 2006, seems like yesterday.  Please tell us about your Andrew when you can and take Dee's advice.....she has much wisdom and has many times saved me from going down into the blackhole of despair. This site will help you along this journey that too many people are on, the road is long and endless but I promise you that along the way you will find a softness to the days....you are so early on this road that it just breaks my heart as I am flooded with memories of those first days, weeks....being numb from a loss we shall never understand nor will we know why....why us....why.. I have asked that question a million times and the answer is always the same...I do not know. Never apologize for anything you say here as this is the place you will find where you are FREE to be angry, sad, lost, selfish, talk about your beloved son and share your feelings as you are able. I have been here just over 2 years and I have never once regretted finding this site....I am blessed to be here and pray that you too shall find something here that helps you through the most horrific thing you will ever go through....the loss of your child.  Bless you and yours and many prayers sent your way.

Lorrie - so glad the wedding finally happened and LOVE the orbs

I still have not caught up on all the postings but have the whole week off so plan on catching up.     Tavian and Barry are watching the movie G-Force...so cute.   Today we went grocery shopping then to the fish store and Tavian got 2 tiny goldfish as Santa left him a goldfish bowl....they are on the stand next to him now as he does not want to be to far away from them.....

It is raining so alot of the snow is melting away but now it is very messy....yuck I hate winter.....longing for the spring and summer already and not January yet !!  Taking the tree down tomorrow, cannot take anymore of this Christmas stuff, too many happy whoo-hoo people....want my house back to normal. Have decided to change Tavian's room....it has been the same since Jessica left us and it is time for a "big boy" room.....will keep the bed but am changing everything else....my January project.  Seems like I always need a project going as I can not stay still for long.

Missing my girl so much, there are days when I just cannot take the loss of her, it cannot possibly be 4 years this coming Feb......she was just here laughing, loving life and now I am still as empty as I became the night the knock on the door came....yes I smile, laugh and live my life as best as I can, I do not cry as much, the pain is softer, I laugh, see my friends, work and play but the shattered heart is still broken and there remains an emptiness that will never be full again.  (((((sigh))))).

Time to watch the movie with Tavian. Tomorrow we are going to the theater to see Alvin and the Chipmoonks, the squeakual....he loves the movies, think he loves the popcorn more;)

Good night to all and thank you for helping me through the holidays but more so for helping those who are going through so many firsts....Much peace my family. Kathy

ROHAN YOU SWEET SWEET ANGEL....MAY YOU SHINE BRIGHT ON THIS YOUR ANGELVERSARY......SEND YOUR MOMMA SWEET HUGS, SURROUND HER WITH YOUR PRESENCE AND HOLD HER TIGHT AS SHE HOLDS YOU.  SAYING YOUR NAME OUT LOUD AND LIGHTING A CANDLE FOR YOU.

 

[summergirl]

Dee - enjoy your day with your love....

[summergirl]

New laptop;)

[summergirl]

Loves to read these books.....Diary of a Wimpy Kid.....

[Guest]

Andrewsmom - is your name Rosie?  He is handsome!  I hope you will share pictures of him and somehow find a way to post the video.  I want to see it.  You're not selfish at all.  You're grieving.  One day one of the ladies here told me it's called survival.  This is the place to do it.

Happy Anniversary Dee! 

I'm mad at Gary tonight and I don't know why.  I actually threw a little hissy fit at dinner.  He ignored me and so did the kids.  That made it worse.  I refused to eat and went outside and smoked.  Totally childish. 

I feel like I'm grasping at straws trying to find or feel Stephanie.  I spent most of the day reading about orbs on the web.  So much has happened since she died that has no explanation.  If I say it's Stephanie, I sound totally nuts. But, at the time I really believe it is her.  

Well,  I have the birds.  Four completely separate incidents with witnesses.  I can't deny those things.  Certainly a wild bird has never landed on my shoulder before.  Let alone at midnight, while I'm smoking.

I tried to raise a couple of little yellow birds once.  They hated me.  I hated them for hating me.  And, the made such a mess. 

I HATE THIS!  I HATE THIS!  I HATE THIS!  I'm trying to accept.  I'm trying to be positive.  I honestly do see the miracles.  But, mostly I don't know why God (if there is one) took my daughter instead of me.  Why would he leave me here to raise three little kids when I'm so immature, myself?  I would have been of much more value in the spirit world.  Let me tell ya!  Mothers are supposed to die before their children.  But, not before their YOUNG children.

Ok.  I'm done.  I'm going to eat chocolate and cry now.  I wish I still drank.  I'd get good and drunk right now.  I haven't touched a drink in over 7 years, though.  Tonight is not the night to start.

Sorry.

I just hate this.  You guys hate this.  I can't breath. 

I do really feel like I'm going crazy.  Oh God!  I"m so sorry.  I want to be of comfort.  Not to drain everyone.

[lolynbo]

LOVE MY GRANDSONS PICS...SUCH A BIG BOY GETTN A LAPTOP...

SLEPT MOST OF THE DAY...WITH MY SNUGGIE..(BROOKE ALSO GOT ME)...

IM SORRY WE HAVE ANOTHER ANGEL ON BOARD...HURTS TO BAD TO TALK ABOUT IT NOW..MISSIN MY GIRL

[heartbeataway]

Rosie,  I am so sorry!  Such a recent loss ...... you found us so quickly. Andrew is such a handsome young man. Take care of yourself.  Baby steps and deep breaths.

Lorri,  Now I know what a Hans Device looks like!  Not sure yet what it’s for but I know what it looks like .....

Glad the wedding happened.  What memories of this cold snowy night you will have!

Was this Kourtney’s first white Christmas?  Her site was sad but pretty.  Yes, you definitely had orbs!

Dee, Happy Anniversary!  You’ll have lots of bittersweet memories going through your mind and your heart.   Sweet picture of your girl in her pretty dress.

Savannah, have you forgiven Gary yet?  Have you figured out why he needed forgiving?  ;-)  Have you eaten?

Shelly, thinking of you and sending strength.  Looking forward to hearing what sign your huggy-boy sent.

Kathy,  Tavian sure had a nice Christmas!  I want to read those Diary of a Wimpy Kid books.  Love the name!

Sherry, It’s good to see you posting.

Lyn, what a mischievous boy your Danny is!  Very creative way to connect!

[ericasmom]

Yes Bon, it is bittersweet as so much is that blend now. I am thinking of 11 years ago right now, ERi and I were cuddled on the couch watching Parent Trap with Lindsey Lohan before she became an addicted young lady, poor thing. She was a very good little actress. I loved the original Parent Trap with Halley Mills. I used to dream that Haley Mills would come find me to be in movies with her when I was little. I so wanted to be in movies, to be able to make my life different. I thought that she was the prettiest girl in the world. Anyhow we watched the movie adn we were hesitant about going to bed because the next day would mean a big change and it was hard on her. Sorry Erica, but my love for you never changed, constant Sweetie, I know you know.

Kath, Tavian looks so surprised with his laptop. Cute photos. Many of my students read the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series too. Very popular.

Sus, in my beliefs, God does not take away, but provides a place in which to live in peace once we leave. simplistic, but it seems right.

Did you figure out what Gary did that made you angry? Not that there has to be a reason really. I am glad that you know that tonight would not be a good night to have a drink. HOw cool that you have stayed away from it for 7 years. Stephanie is there, in the birds, in the songs on the radio, she is there in the voice of her oldest child. No answers to why Sus, sorry.

Sherry, how goes the preparations for the move? It takes a great deal of energy to do this, I am impressed with your ability to tackle such a thing. Like Bonnie, it takes organization and will.

Trudi, I am laughing at Mickey and Minnie. If John had that voice I think I would have to kill him. I do have a student that has the highest pitch in his voice, sounds like Michael Jackson all day long. And after each thing you say to him he says, " hu?" in this tiny high mouse voice. Funny, though not when he talks all day, your head buzzes with his voice. Thanks for the good wishes for our 11 years, he is a good man with a big heart.

Sleepy now, slept 9 or so hours last night, fighting the cold and it really helped. I went for a 2 hour walk this late morning adn did some errands and took a 1.5 hour nap late afternoon, but here I am ready for sleep. Hopefully some good deep sleep again and get stronger and able to kick the cold out of my system.

Until tomorrow then,

Dee

[mysonrich]

Almost 3 in the morning and back to the familiar. Roads I know, stores I know, Pizza ! This area feels like home and I feel a burden lifted when I'm home. Hard to explain the weight upon my shoulders that I feel at times when I'm living elsewhere. Christmas day I stayed in. I couldn't bring myself to visit my aunt and uncle and their large extended family. A friend asked that I stop by as she waited for her daughter to arrive from Kansas. Said friend was down because her family wasn't all together yet. She asked me if I understood and she realized what she said. I stayed in, napped and watched TV and contemplated why I remain living when Rich had so much more living to do.

[mysonrich]

Dee, I'll let Fred and Barney say it for me. Erica is beautiful and the color of the dress compliments her coloring so well.

Andrews mom and Chris's mom, I have read your posts and do apologise for not responding sooner. Understand that at times I fell I have nothing to add to the words of those that have been on this journey longer. The lives of your children deserve more then my heart is able to pull forth at this time .

Betsy,mysonRich

[dannysmomma]

Andrewsmom:I am so sorry for the loss of your handsome boy:(.We lost our Danny 9 months ago due to complications of Juvenile diabetes,it was sudden and unexpected and I remember vividly those first few weeks.Reading your posts everyone here knows your pain so never apologize for expressing how you feel((hugs)).Shock,denial,anger,depression all par of the course on this terrible journey but you have to allow yourself to feel those things,if they start to consume you tho counseling may be something to look into.Some days it feels like you're losing your mind and that's ok,don't let anyone tell you it's not all right to feel that way.I'm in the accepting part of my journey,I went thru a pretty dark time,I stopped posting here for awhile,lost in my own grief and feeling like no one could help me.There's a saying"The storm has passed and now we're dancing in the rain",the storm has passed and now I dance in Danny's rain..my beautiful,vibrant ,happy son..and I smile and laugh remembering him.I still shed daily tears because I miss him so but it's not so despairing.You too will reach this place ,you too will dance in the rain.As far as the video,try using an editor and maybe splice it and post them separately as a pt 1 and pt2,most sites only allow for a certain length unfortunately.I am so sorry you had to find your way here ,this place no parent ever wants to be,but you've found yourself with some of the most wonderful,caring people to walk with you on this journey{{{hugs}}}}

[dannysmomma]

Sitting here reflecting the day before Danny's 9 month Angel Day..it took me 9 months to bring him into this world and now he's been gone 9 months.Haven't decided yet what we're going to do for the 1 yr,his HS has the garden dedication slated for the end of March/beginning of April,we went by before the snow and the kids have done a great job so far,can't wait to see it when it's done.I was thinking of doing a balloon release at the dedication.I already spoke with his teachers about graduation and his name being announced,we won't go but I can buy a CD,he spent a lot of years in school,had been going since he was 3 months old so it's nice to know he'll be included in the ceremonies.Kenny bought me a Droid phone so I have access to youtube on my phone and all my vids of Danny,can watch them anytime,anywhere now.LOL..did a search for pics hidden in my system and found some funny one's..Danny asleep with make up on and another asleep with antlers..my boys are evil ,they feel bad about those times but I said "why?" you did that stuff to each other all in good fun,brothers being goofy,memories of fun times to treasure.Anyhoo..back to my hectic life..much love to you all xoxoxo  "Do not walk in front of me for I may not follow.Do not walk behind me for I may not lead.Walk beside me and we walk together"my version:)below is Dmans 2006-2007 id pic

[ericasmom]

Betsy, ever the giver of joy, that is what your name means. You are aching adn yet, you find just the right moment of levity to lift others. Thanks for that.

So this morning we were enjoying a cup of coffee and CRASH, went the tree. The first tree in 7 Christmases adn down she came, breaking some ornaments adn lights adn knocking the wings from the angel topper. (they have been glued before) and I couldn't help but wonder if someone died at that moment, orwhat? Was it an omen? My husband of eleven years today shook his head and reminded me that the stand was a bit off having purchased the last one at Menards 6 days before Christmas adn that the trunk had a weird cut to it...But my wonderment is quelled only momentarily. Yikes. So I have always been known to have our tree out before any neighbors, but this is a bit ridiculous. Husband is vac**ming the needles, I swept a ton, took all the ornaments and wrapped them each, putting them away with the paper they were wrapped in, December 31, 2002. Erica's last Christmas. Her last one.That was the last time I  had wrapped the ornaments. At least they saw the light of day again and we took delight in hanging them.

Blessings Lyn as you find yourself post the first Christmas without Danny's physical presence. But he sure let his metaphysical presence be felt, his AngelBeing. Doll Baby.

Good morning to all, blessings in the day, it is snowing some more and I am quiet.

Love Dee

[daveydow1]

Dee and Trudi----Thanks for the inquiry about the move. We still have a lot

of updating yet to do, so it will probably be another couple months or so

until we actually move. So, it will be getting onto spring---the nice part of

the year on a farm (or farmette). Dee...you are right about moving taking a

lot of energy. Sometimes I wonder about the sense of taking on this project,

but we're in it now.......no backing out  .  More work in the kitchen and one

bathroom to be done...among many other smaller things. New flooring throughout

has been done.

                 HAPPY   ANNIVERSARY,  DEE  !!!!

[daveydow1]

Andrewsmom....I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Andrew. He is

such a handsome young man. You have come to the right place to read/post

and tell us about your son, whenever you are ready. Everyone here knows,

firsthand, the heartache and loss that is with you now. My son, Davey, died

in a highway crash in 2003. He was 31 yrs. old. My baby, Lisa, died years ago at

 the age of 6 mo. We,  at BI, are here whenever you need us. Take care, and many

 prayers for you.

           Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry

[mikesmum]

Sherry - When I post the site goes to Jan 6, 2005.  There is Davey smiling at me....Is it really almost 5yrs?

Christmas for us was held on Boxing Day.  Melissa, Steven, Bill and families arrived around 5 - 6pm.  There was much talking, way too much food and then the gifts.  I found myself feeling disconnected, like watching it unfold from a distance.  Melissa gave me a singing puppy "to make me smile" - it did as did Muttleys reaction.

Towards the end of the night I just sat watching.  There was laughing, talking everyone smiling. Then the sound of something hitting the floor and breaking.  Everything stopped. It was a thunder egg slice given to me by Micheal.  I couldn't breath. 

It was late.  Everyone thanked us for the night and left.  The dam broke.

Split in two. Like a broken heart.....

The thunder egg slice was faded, its importance lost on others.  To me it seemed like one more thing slipping from my grasp.

That last year, aside from his art and music, Micheal made light catchers.  He would end them with a thunder egg slice.  I think it was the Christmas of 2006 (his last with us) he gave each of us our own light catcher.  Melissa's was pink, Steven's green and mine blue/purple.  

This is mine......

The need to 'hold fast' to my son is so overwhelming right now.  Its the holidays and the 'countdown' calendar of my last days with Micheal.

The funk is in, the days are warming....the ocean is calling.

[homeschoolmom]

I woke up this morning and the first thougfht was "when will I wake and not feel this pain?" Yet I am much better this side of Rohan's death, than the other...for now,  anyway. 

Tony picked up the balloons while I wrote Rohan's name on his cross, and my uncle got a bouquet of flowers to leave at the park.  We went to the park, leaving the kids at home with their babysitter, and placed the cross by the pedestrian crossing where he had died.  We rearranged all the stuffed animals that folks had left a year ago, and hung the santa's hat that someone else left a few days ago on the top of the cross. It was sad...lonely...but my boy was not there. I refuse to let death win. I loved him from the moment I sensed I was pregnant, when I couldn't see or touch him.  I will let that love wash over me at the times when I feel at my weakest.

We had many offers from our friends to go to the park, but just wanted to be alone, to remember that day a year ago- a perfect day to let him go. He couldn't have been happier... even now I smile remembering his antics on his bike, the biggest grin on his face, waving at the ladies as he passed them by on the trail.

We got back to the house and a couple of his friends and their parents came by, and they all said something theyu remembered and loved about Rohan, then released their balloons.  The last one, we read a poem about flying free, then we all held onto the string of this HUGE mylar butterfly balloon and then released it to fly free.  It slowly rose, then the breeze caught it and in a moment it was gone.  The very next moment all the kids raced for the trampoline before I lured them out with butterfly gummy lollipops.  We left sandwiches and a chocolate abundance cake with their babysitter, and they lit the candles spelling his name, and had a little "heavenly birthday party" for him.  Meanwhile, Tony and I had dinner with our pastor and his family, and absolutely had the best time.  I had tried to weasle my way out of the invitation, but he said absolutely not...I should come just as I am, tears, pain, anger...whatever.  It felt so good just to be there- to be loved, comforted, accepted... We couldn't have asked for a better ending to our day.  And the "celebration" we did with the kids was just light and fun enough for them that they could do it and not feel morbid or whatever.

Thanks for the well-wishes, and for saying his name.  7 years was all I had with him, but my heart and my life will forever be changed for having known him, and loved him...and lost him.

Blessings,

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

[Guest]

Shelly - Thank you for sharing your desire to be alone on Rohan's angelversary.  There have been so many times I just want to be alone at Stephanie's crash site.  I'm also impressed (right word?) with the way you honored your son and his passing. 

Trudi - I know I am fickle.  Believing one minute and yelling at God the next and not believing in God the next.  I'm sorry about your broken egg thingy from Mike, but when you posted that my first thought was Mike was letting you know he was with you.  I don't think he meant to break it.  Sorry for not remembering the correct name for it.  They are beautiful.

Dannysmom - I'm so glad Danny let you find your vial in just the right place at just the right time for his brother. 

I did not figure out why I was mad at Gary, except I didn't want to do anything and he kept busy all day and I felt guilty about it.  He's just been so quiet lately.  Actually, I think he's always quiet, it's just that I'm usually the busy, busy one and going, going, going.  So, I don't notice his quietness as much. 

I'm in peaceful acceptance right now.  It comes and goes. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[summergirl]

Shelly - a beautiful way to spend your day with Rohan...yes you had him 7 years, never enough my friend but precious nontheless. Bless you.

Susannah - you will probably never know why you were mad at Gary...it comes with this journey....I can be smiling one moment and angry as hell the next, snapping at Barry and anyone else....knowing while I am doing it, it is wrong but really don't give a s**t......almost 4 years and it still happens.   Glad you find your comfort moments

Trudi - the egg, broken down the middle like a broken heart reminding you of your loss ???  maybe a message from Mike but not a bad one, there is a reason that particular ornament broke and in the way it did.....however I am not wise with words as you well know but I do believe the reason is there and will come to you when ready.   I love the sun catcher Mike made for you, so beautiful the stone.....colors of the Ocean you so love......yes the holidays and the days leading up to your last with Mike, I understand as it is for me also......dreading February. I think of you so often my friend and am holding you in a strong hug.....

Dee - I am sorry that your tree came crashing down !!!!  What a crazy thing to happen......I probably should not say this but I wish mine had fallen over and then I would not have had to look at it......I took it down today...all signs of Christmas gone from our house and that made me smile, another has passed.

Tavian is yelling at me to come play so I will say goodnight.    To those I have missed I read the posts and think of all of you.....prayers for everyone.  Peace, Kathy

[arc4ever]

Shelly, my heart breaks for you.  Your son Rohan is such a handsome young man.  I know how hard Christmas is for my husband and myself - for you I just don't think I could ever say the word Christmas again.  My prayers with you.

ROHAN, ROHAN, ROHAN, ROHAN....  7 years and now an angel.

Love and peace, Terrie (Adam's mom)

[arc4ever]

For those of you who read my email that I send to friends as an end of the year message.  The girl that the message was actually directed to finally responded.  I have know her since 6th grade (and I am 44 - so do the math yourself, I can't seem to figure it out!).

This lady lost her sister and her mother, but she has three children, and a new husband of two years (he lost a baby with his first wife and it broke up their marriage, you would think maybe that would help her with some insight - but nooooo, ).  I'm sure I am waaaay over reacting, but I have had enought with trying to justify or explain my feelings to people who give me cliche's like "time heals all wounds" what a freaking bunch a crap!  She recently left everyone (including a good job) and everything she knew, sold her house, quit her job with nothing lined up for herself or her husband and moved across the country which is fine.  But she keeps saying how she is ALONE in the world, even though she has THREE, mind your THREE children.  She has not lost a child, she lost a mother and a sister.  I am not trying to belittle her loss, but she has now FREAKING CLUE and I am about sick of it.  I think I may have lost another friend.

Please tell me if I overreacted in my email back to her.  If you guys think so, then I will take your word for it and apologize to her, but if you think I am not completely nuts in my reply, I would appreciate knowing that also.

So here is her reply, and my response (I am taking out names to protect the innocent!)

HER REPLY:

Terri- 

  

With Love I am returning this message from my heart.  

  

______ (her husband) lost a child as well baby ______.  He lives everyday with the regret of never going to be a father.  The wound is deep and his heart is broken too.  Although he never had the opportunities to do all the wonderful things that you and Paul experienced with Adam we do understand the loss that would have been our family. 

  

I understand the loss as well.  Not having a single person in my family to support, call or laugh with everyday is a wound that has taken time to heal, but never goes away. No parents, or siblings is a constent reminder to work hard to keep my children in check and communication to grow as a family. The sadness I feel when I see Mother's & daughters doing things together if very difficult. 

  

My wish for you and Paul - is to focus on the positive.  You can do more good in this world through Adam and honor him for all the awesome things he did in life!  I know that, because when I work with others to improve the health care system and make a difference to honor my mother.  Time does heal and as we have read and discussed the 2nd year is the most difficult to get through.  I just hope that you choose to move forward.  I do wear the pain and it lies under the surface EVERYDAY it will never go AWAY.  Tears flow, without reason and the emptiness is the hole in my heart that can never be replaced. 

When you put your emotions into action such as the poker run, you were happy to show his love to others and it showed.  I don't claim to understand the loss of a child, I do know what it feels like to be left standing all alone in this crazy world. 

  

You & Paul are the best of parents, you did it all right without regrets and should be proud. 

As a friend who cares for the both of you.  We wish for you both to know that we love and care for you dearly and will do anything you need to help you in this process. 

  

Love 

_________

  

 

MY RESPONSE BACK TO HER:

 

I know you mean well _________, but you are not alone in this world. You still have your children. Three children whom you love. Losing a child completely destroys the natural order of life. I know ______ (her husband) has pains from losing _______ (his baby) that you can not understand. 

 

Doing what we can to honor Adam is not the same as having Adam with us.  It brings a smile to our face and a sense of satisfaction to be able to help others. But that does nothing to help ease our pain 

 

You have a future, you have three children, you are not alone in this world. Our future was Adam and he is gone. What have we to look forward to for the rest of our days here on earth? ______ (her husband) may understand our loss as he has had the same loss, but losing a child is not the same as any other loss. I do not want a pity party, what I want is for people to try to understand and not expect people who have lost their children to live up to other people's expectations. We cannot, we do what we can do and there are many things that are just too painful. 

 

Yes, maybe year two is "the most difficult one" but that doesn't mean we will be better next year, or the year after, etc. 

 

You come live in my house for a week - you watch as your husband crumbles in tears breaking down unable to speak, barely making it thru the day - you watch as I lay in bed because the pain of getting up and facing the world is just too overwhelming. 

 

I know you are trying to offer comfort, but what we need is just acceptance from others that this is who we are now. We cannot pretend to be anything else. There are moments of smiles in our lives, but always, always tinged with sadness. Try to imagine that - every smile you ever have underneath is sadness. 

 

I hope for you the best relationship you can have with your children, enjoy them and love them you are a very lucky woman and you have a good life and a future with hopefully celebration of grandchildren and marriages and happy times with them. 

 

We do not have this, Paul and I have each other and hopefully a few good friends who love us. 

 

Time to does not heal everything. I pray every day for comfort to get me thru that day, the next minute, the next hour. 

 

We will do what we can to honor Adam and to help others, but my work here is done I am just going thru the motions until God decides it is time for me to die. That is the honest truth and I cannot pretend it is not. 

 

Thank you for understanding, may you have a blessed Christmas, 

 

Love 

 

Terrie 

 

 

OKAY, BI folks - please tell me if I am nuts.  I leave it up to your expertise!

Love to all, Terrie (Adam's mom)

[homeschoolmom]

Terrie, I'm sorry, but I smiled when I read your response. I believe she meant well, but perhaps one should not attempt to give advice when one  truly does not understand.  I think you're one feisty gal, but entirely right in this case.  I pray, however, that you can see past the thoughtless words and cliches, and see someone who cares but has no idea how to show it.  At least, I hope that's the case. A true friend will come back, wiser, humbler, but more loyal than ever.

Blessings to you, my friend,

Shelly

[lolynbo]

GOT A PIC SCANNER SO IM SHOWING YOU A PIC MONTY AND I HAD MADE ON CRUISE..HOPE IT POSTS...

[Guest]

Terri - The person who gave me the most comfort after Stephanie died was my sister who has buried two children and a husband.  I thought I was a huge comfort to her when she lost her family.  Now I know she just tolerated me.  After Steph died, I kept saying, "I had no idea what you were going through".  She just smiled and said, "how could you?  I'm so sorry you had to find out." 

She has never allowed me to qualify my grief of losing her family.  She has always validated my grief when they died as real.  Now, I know I wasn't even close to what she was going through, herself. 

Let's hope your friend never has to find out exactly what you are going through. 

"Father forgive the stupid people, for they know not that they're stupid."

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

Wow, Lorri!  Good lookin' couple!

[mikesmum]

Terrie - I have a file on my desk top marked read to not send.  Its my responses to those who are stupid beyond belief.  Many are to my employer, who after receiving my stress claim said and I quote..."being in the room that day was no different than if you had come out of a movie or shopping and been told Micheal was dead".  Claim denied.

I had a friend from work.  We were like sisters.  She introduced me to Mal and we shared the 'trying times'.  When Mike died she overstepped the mark by listening to the 000 (911) call.  She rang to tell me 2 days after he died.   I didn't need to hear that all "protocols were met on the call".  After Mal explained I wasn't coping she apologised.  She baked so much for the wake.  A month later she had 'issues' she needed her friend to lean on.  The phone calls would start at 8am and go till 9pm.  Each call Mal took he tried to explain I wasn't able to handle much let alone talk.  Her emails to me were scathing about my lack of compassion and understanding.  Her daughters had 3 kids and there was a crisis, another pregnancy...thats what she needed a friend for.  I had just lost a child, so what was I thinking.

I saw her this past Christmas at the local shopping centre.  She stopped Mal and spoke with him...I just stood there like so much crap.  Not one word as to how we were after Mike died nothing..

Yes, you do concetrate on the positives with fund raising etc...but nothing comes close to filling up the void left in lieu of your son.   And yes time heals all wounds, its the depth of the scarring that stays forever....

The only think I can think of for your friend.....""I know I will never feel the loss of moving away from those I love.  Please excuse my lack of empathy or my insentivity for your loss"".  Meeeeooooowwww.  That one had best go into the read don't send file.....

Funny, as I posted that picture of the broken thunder egg, Mal standing behind me said "looks like a broken heart"......who says he doesnt get it...

Trudi

 

[hotrod]

Hello Indigos 

Dear Rohan I am saying your name  You are loved and remembered

 I am back and am so glad to be here with you and not out in the world trying to pretend.  Really missed Stephen this, the 3rd Christmas without him.  Spent the week in So Jersey right on the beach where he surfed as a child.I walked the beach often  and had many"Rememories" as Carols's grandchild says.

Trudi I was also an observer this weekend. I am so sorry for the broken Egg that Mike made  It did look like a heart -I understand the feeling of the things slipping away.   As usual Mutley made me smile. 

Lorrie  Great Picture

Terrie I thought your response was perfect.  It was sincere and to the point  I do not believe you need to apologize. She will never get it

Dee Happy Anniversary  So sorry that the tree toppled but I am so  glad you put it up

Susannah I often become angry and cannot know why.  I will simply own it and tell everyone to just leave me alone it has nothing to do with them  It works

Lyn so wonderful to see Danny's smile again, Sherry, Davey  always warms my heart and Betsy so good to see Rich's handsome face and hear your wisdom. I understand I too feel that it is so hard to feel anothr year is ending for me and a new one beginning and Stephen should be the one Living and Doing and not me.

I have not read all the posting or seen all the pictures so please forgive me if I have not commented on your post but wanted to just connect as it feels good to be with those who understand

 

Betty

Stephen'smom:)