Loss of an Adult Child

[NiquesMom]

Hi Jackie, I am here but don't have much to say. I tend to pull inwards when I am sad or stressed, which is most days. 

I know the 2nd was harder for me than the first.

I have been keeping busy organizing and cleaning. Helps me to feel like I have control over something even though we all know we don't really control anything but ourselves.

I hope you are able find a bit of peace, the lead up for me is always harder than the day itself

Hugs

[NiquesMom]

Cut deep today. Reading an activity Kyle created in class and it asks "do you have any brothers or sisters?". And he said No.

That hurt me. I know he speaks freely about nique and is not denying her at all, and I understand not always mentioning that her because then you have to explain she died, but that just cut me to the quick.

[Mason’s Mom]

Jackie, I know as the days get closer the pain becomes greater.  We just returned from vacation and we visited a zoo with Magnolia, they had a Bird Feeding Exhibit.  It was beautiful, the most vibrant colors and the birds were so comfortable with human interaction.  I could have stayed the entire day and I thought about you and Garrett. 

That is the thing with vacations, we needed to get away from all the stress and have family time. We got away from our jobs and  stress of keeping a schedule but the grief trailed along with us. We were in the Smokey Mountains and it seemed around every turn there was a reminder of Mason.  He would have loved the area, it is a lot like our area with mountains, rivers and so many things to do.  

Yvonne, I know if seems like you will never smile or lead any semblance of your former life.  It won't be the same but as all of us have made a new life you can as well.  Hang in there and let us know if you need to vent.  We all understand.

Virginia, sounds like you have had a lot of emotional experiences recently.  Sorting through our keepsakes and finding things that bring everything back to the forefront are so hard.  

Roz, I never read your post and think that you are rambling. You provide insight that I need so often.

Michael, through lives ups and downs our kids understand that we are doing our best and from everything you have said I believe B lead a happy life and he had such a close relationship with you.  It has to be hard to go into work and think about B and what you planned to leave him.  How is your wife?  Do you ever discuss how you feel with her?  Tim and I grieve so differently and we don't talk as much as we did.  We found out over the weekend that a childhood friend of Tim's had died of a heartache, we didn't know he had lost a son in 2017 as well.  His marriage didn't survive the loss and he died at his son's grave.  SO MUCH SADNESS everywhere.

May each of us find Peace and COMFORT.

 

Carol

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

carol, she is still in after surgery pain, she is crippling along .......we grieve differently ....i talk to you guys , i have no idea who she talks too or if she talks about it at all .....one thing we do agree is that i blame myself and she blames me .....usually sundays is us two alone at home , so i take care of her , watch some tv together and try to decide what will we order for lunch or dinner.

 

[Changed]

Michael, that is a sad comment - that both you and your wife blame you for the loss of B.     I’m sorry that you live with that guilt but I don’t believe it is deserved.       There is enough pain in losing your son without this .        Roz x

[Changed]

Virginia,   That will have cut deep -  did it upset Kyle ?      He does have a sister though just as you have a brother - they have just gone before us.    Sometimes the opportunity to further explain presents itself and sometimes it doesn’t.      Take care,  Roz x

 

[Changed]

Jackie,   the build up to the worse day of our calendars is really intense and we all know how unbelievably terrible you will be feeling .    
   It sounds obvious  but it is necessary to recognise , and  voice , that the horror is not happening again - Garrett is not suffering those days again  - that time is done.    
 The aftermath is ours to learn to live with but  your boy is not suffering , he’s not.       The 30th will come and go  - it’s an awful anniversary- but I suspect that you relive that time every day of your life anyway.     
I tend to think that when we complete our own lives and we are are with our children again ,  that the conversation will not linger on how they left  this world , or indeed  how we did ,  but will focus on our love .
Don’t let it all devour you - it’s easy to spiral and you will need to be folding your blanket and chatting it all through with Garrett .         The actual day has always been quieter than the build up for  me and I’ve heard others say the same but we are all individuals and I’m sure that you will get through it as best you can along with your family. 

Peace to you, love Roz x

[Mason’s Mom]

Michael it saddens me to read you think you are responsible for B's death.  We all carry some guilt but I cannot imagine you had any control.  I hope you can forgive yourself and find peace. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

carol , i try not to ....but everytime i think about it , it is a painful reminder of the "what if" and the absolute feeling  of not knowing if i had done things differently . but again he was 28 years old and it was his decission to move forward with the surgery ....but it will not let the feeling go away 

[daveydow1]

Michael, oh, l so know the sorrow of the 'what ifs'. I guess we all do...having lost  beloved children.  I can say, that those painful thoughts can somehow

'soften' with time. But being on this sad journey only one year...

as you are, it is difficult to

avoid them. Sending wishes for peace. ☮️ 

[Michael Rodriguez]

regretfully it is almost 29 months already since i lost B !!!!

[KevinHayes]

I loss my 26 year old son Chrischen on July 31, 2023. I find myself have more conversations with him now than I did when he was with us. I'm experiencing unsurmountable guilt and a feeling of failure.  I feel like I may spin out of control at any moment.  

[Michael Rodriguez]

kevin i am so sorry for your loss , i am michael and i lost my son brian on april 14 2021. he was 28 years old at the time. 

you came to the place nobody wants to be in , but the place where all of us understand your pain and your despair. 

vent all your feelings here , believe me , i also experience guilt on the loss of my son and you have no idea how much i miss b (we called him b) ...

so just express what you feel , we are all here to help you

[NiquesMom]

Kevin,

I am so sorry for your loss. We all understand too well where you are right now

My 18 year old daughter Dominique died almost 6 years ago, but I remember vividly the guy wrenching pain of the first years. 

Take each moment as you can, it's not easy to look very far in the future. 

I was driving home today and a song I associate with Nique came on (This Girl is on Fire by Alicia Keys) and I just started crying. She would be 24 years old now: would she be married, kids, happy, near me? What would she have been like as an adult? I won't know and that just made me incredibly sad this afternoon.

I am feeling down again, trying to fight against it, dont want to let it suck me down again. I am just tired of the ups and downs (can't even really say Ups, just moment when I am not as sad as others).

[Changed]

Dear Kevin,   I am so sorry about the loss of your son.      It is all so recent and raw - no wonder you feel as you do .       Talking with your boy will give you the chance to start to process your grief - everyone here knows how excruciatingly painful the loss of a child is .

I’m Roz and  my son , David, died at the end of 2016  -  For others here their grieving started more recently but we find strength in each other and I’m sure that you would too if you care to visit us again.

Of course, you will be experiencing lots of different emotions and that is exhausting.    The sadness will be beyond belief and I feel for you.    Peace to you,   Roz

[Changed]

Dear Jackie,  how are you lass ?    Give us a sign that you’re still reading here even though you are in pieces.     Love Roz x

[daveydow1]

Michael....l agree...time doesn't

matter ...its whats in the heart & 

soul for ever. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Kevin,

I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Chrischen.   I lost my 22 year old son, Garrett on August 30th, two years in just a few short days.    It is devastating and unbelievable.  At first you feel as if you are walking in a nightmare you cannot wake up from.   You will be hit with so many emotions, loss, disbelief, guilt, despair, rage, and the aching need to hug and hold your child.  And the "what if" scenarios are in endless supply.  dont give in to those no matter how easy it is.    I lost my boy on my 60th birthday and I am no longer the woman I once was but I talk to my Garrett all day long every day.   I am sorry you have joined us on this  agonizing road that none of us chose or want to be on.   It is a heartbreaking road and right now each step you take will feel as if it takes every ounce of energy you have.   I have cried and screamed every day of the last two years.   I miss my precious boy.    There are no easy answers we can give but know that each of us will walk this ugly journey with you.   I hope you have support at home, other than my one daughter, my support has been very thin.   We are here for you and unlike those who have not suffered this unimaginable loss, we do understand.   Please keep talking Kevin we are listening.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

My Dearest Roz,

I am here, falling apart of late.   How can it be two years since I saw my Garrett and heard his wonderful laugh.   I know he is close, I can feel him.  My birds have shifted slightly many of the smaller ones are back and in large numbers.   I have had the pleasure of watching many parents feeding their young.  Although I have to say the Red bellied woodpecker Dad doesn't put up with any goofing around.   I had to laugh when he got his little one in line and at that moment I could hear my boys laughter ring through my head.   Then I sat and cried and told Garrett thank you.   Our babies are close, I believe that with all my heart and soul.    Thanks for asking Roz.   How are you love?  I think of you often.

I think of all of you and wonder how each and every one of you are fairing.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

 

 

 

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Kevin,  your loss is so recent sorry that had to join our  group.  However we do understand the pain and grief.  I lost my 21 year old son December 17th. 2017 and I talk to him everyday.  He is never far from my thoughts,  most of the I can talk about him without tears,  didn't happen quickly and I still have times when the pain sneaks up and takes my breath.  I miss his smile, hugs and like Virginia I wonder what would Mason be like as a 26 year old.  His birthday is next month  so he would soon be 27. Would he be married,  a dad he sure loved babies and kids. I know he would been such a fun uncle.  My Magnolia will be told about Uncle Mason but it just doesn't seem right that she will know him.

Jackie,  I know the 30th is just a couple days away.  Garrett is near and wants his mom to find peace.  September is also just days away and will forever have it's hold on me. A reminder of Mason's birth, we felt so blessed to have a daughter and a son.  Then we had a bonus 3rd child our Maddie.  Life was good. 

 

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Kevin,

Just checking in to see how you are holding up.  I know there are no words to describe the agony you are feeling.   I am here and will listen... We all will.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

Dearest Carol,

Thank you... I have been just a broken shell of what is left of me... the days have not been good.    God, I miss my Garrett.  It eats at me and tears my insides apart like a rabid beast.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Dianas Mom]

Dear Kevin, Your feelings of guilt and failure are common when you have lost a child. I and others here feel those same thoughts. The pain needs room to unfurl, given as much space as it needs. I lost my daughter, Diana in April, 2022. Your post took me back to those early weeks of my loss. I was in shock and numb, I knew she was gone yet it wasn't real in my mind. This site is the one place where we all "get" it and are on the grief journey together. The kind words and thoughts of others offer comfort and support as we travel down the same road. It's one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.  We are here for you, you aren't alone. 

Love,

Yvonne

[KevinHayes]

Dear Jackie, I'm holding on, everyone has returned home and now I'm home alone and I had the weirdest feeling of dread and despair.  This will be a new challenge for me now that I'm home alone.

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

morning kevin, i know you must dread the feeling of being alone. i live in honduras , and i drive about 20 miles outside the city to work everyday . i am sorrounded by mountains , and at the start of learning to exist with out B and to learn to cope to "this" ..... i found that i would cherish escaping to the mountains by myself, being alone and crying until my eyes couldnt take the pain no more. 

know that might be tough being alone , but some times you look forward to being alone some so you can let it all out and see it as a soul cleansing . 

and BTW you will never be alone , Chrischen is there with you, and anoying as we are , we are all here for you.

[NiquesMom]

Hunkering down, hurricane heading our way. Kyle sees it as a party, 2 days to play video games with his friends. I , however, am going through the lists of things that can go wrong. Ways I could die, or Kyle. It's just us, and so many things can go wrong.

Tired. Wish Christopher was here to shoulder the worry and stress.

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia sending good thoughts your way.  Please  keep us posted. 

Kevin,  one thing I tell most people new to  this forum is to remember to breathe. Sounds crazy but taking a deep breath hurts when our hearts are broken.  It will also help take some of the stress so take a  few really deep breathes. 

Edited August 29, 2023 by Mason’s Mom
Didn't finish

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Kevin,

I am happy to hear from you.  I know at this moment you are just trying to make it through the days.   I kept my computer on at night to a series of videos I liked to watch.  That way there was some of familiarity if and when I awoke.   My Garrett loved to listen to the birds when he first woke up in the morning, I have found a love of these small airborne creatures.  I feed them and tend to an area for them and they visit regularly, I have gained knowledge and a small measure of comfort in their presence.   It is something that connects my boy and I.   Do whatever helps you the best at the moment.  That will change as time goes on.   Cry, scream, rage at the heavens, whatever you need to do.   There is no wrong or right way to grieve.   It will be two years for me on the 30th of this month.   I have cried every day, multiple times a day for those two years.   I have also talked to my Garrett every day all day.    One of the hardest issues in the beginning is the shocked numbness that repeatedly gives way to this rampaging tidal wave of emotions from every corner of your soul.   Many will tell you to do this or that.  This is the correct way, you should feel better now.    **** all of that.... You do what feels right to you, what is right for you and Chrischen.     You love for your son and his for you, binds you across this unwanted separation.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

12 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

Hunkering down, hurricane heading our way. Kyle sees it as a party, 2 days to play video games with his friends. I , however, am going through the lists of things that can go wrong. Ways I could die, or Kyle. It's just us, and so many things can go wrong.

Tired. Wish Christopher was here to shoulder the worry and stress.

hey, try to relax .....nobody will die and you will survive the hurricane !!! have pop corn ready for all of kyle's friends !!!

[Changed]

Virginia, that sounds scary.     I hope it’s over soon without any trouble.  Keep safe.  Roz x

[Changed]

Jackie ,  thinking of you for tomorrow.   Not a lot to say and nothing that will help you I’m afraid.   I’m sure you will all be hurting.  Love Roz x

[Jacqueline3]

Thank You Roz.... I was at the hospital now, two years ago and Garrett was struggling to breath.  They told me about his "strange" liver counts about this time and he needed to be airlifted to a trauma center.....   At 6:30 tomorrow morning he was gone and I died right along side him.

My heart is crushed and my soul shattered all over again'

Jackie

[Dianas Mom]

Dear Jackie, you will be in my thoughts and heart tomorrow. Garrett will be there beside you to help you through the day. As you have said many times, our child is always close to us.

Love--- Yvonne

[NiquesMom]

Hugs for you Jackie 💝

[Mason’s Mom]

Thinking about you Jackie aa well as Garrett.

Virginia, hope all is well with you and Kyle.

[Michael Rodriguez]

my intentions were to be the first one to tell you jackie that i had you in my thoughts , but things got all messed up at work ,but.....here i am thinkig about you anjd garrett.

virginia, are you and kyle ok? popcorn? scary movies ?

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz,  Ramona, Yvonne, Virginia, Carol and Michael,

THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE.  It means so damned much.  

I believe Yvonne.... I can feel my Garrett, I can feel his big, calloused hand in mine.

Thank you,

Love,  Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Storm is winding down. It hit more north than they were saying. Wind and rain, but nothing too major. Still raining but looks like the majority has passed. I have a pond in my backyard and branches down but no real damage.

[Changed]

Virginia, that’s good - on the news over here in the uk all day.   Roz x

 

[Jacqueline3]

Glad to hear that Virginia.  You and Kyle enjoy yourselves now.

[Changed]

Kevin,  how are you managing ?   Thinking about you,  Roz 

[KevinHayes]

Hello Roz, it's been a roller coaster ride for me.  Sometimes ok and other times all someone has to do is mention my sons name and it's as if a dark cloud descends upon my body and hangs over me for hours. My nerves on edge, I feel nauseous, and extremely sad.  I'm starting to dread when that happens it's like mentally, I can't prevent it or do anything about it once it comes over me.

 

 

[Changed]

Kevin,   I’m sorry  for you.     Sadly , life has changed beyond all recognition and the internal struggle you face is immense.   The realty of what we now live with sends ripples through every aspect of our  being .    

Your grief for your son is so new and shocking and , of course,  you will be hurting deeply  - that shock and hurt takes  over  at times as we try to function as  ‘normal’ .      For many of us we still need to carry on with our duties - going to our employment , looking after other children  or  dependents - and we  try to manage our grief so we can do these things.   It’s a bit ‘other worldly’  at times  and  can be confusing .
   We will always love them and always miss them .     That doesn’t mean that the darkest of days that you are in now will be that way forever.      I doubt that you even care about what is to come  - the worst thing has happened and you are experiencing that acute pain  - trust that we all understand where you are at .      On a practical level - keep hydrated and nourished, even if you can’t be bothered  and , as Carol rightly reminds us,  take some deep breaths. - this is an onslaught on our bodies and minds at a time that we don’t really care about ourselves only our lost child.  
Peace and strength,  Roz x 
 

[NiquesMom]

Kevin, I found if I could schedule time to let out my grief it made it "easier" to keep functioning. I would go to my car and cry into a blanket on my lunch break, cry in the file room on my breaks, cry into my pillow at night, cry driving to and from work. 

I still had to work, had to take care of my son (he was 4 at the time). Didnt have the option to curl up and die like I wanted to. 

I hope if you have to work that your coworkers are understanding of your need for some space to grieve.

You will find people say and do mean and thoughtless things if they have never experienced a loss like this. 

Keep breathing, keep reading, keep talking, we are all here.

[ItsSeaAndIslandsNow]

Hello I'm new here and I lost my beautiful 27 year old son, Forrest, almost 2 years ago and I still feel like it was today. I'm here looking for some hope. I just don't want to live anymore. I'm not suicidal, but I pray every night that I won't wake up in the morning. I just still can't handle the fact that he's gone and gone forever. Do any of you feel the same and how do you deal with these feelings?

Thank you for any help,

Sea

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Sea,

My name is Jackie.   I lost my 22 year old son Garrett 2 years ago on August 30th.   Yes, I feel the same way.  I have cried every day, multiple times a day for two years.  I do not remember what happy feels like.   I don't want to live this life either, it isn't mine anymore.   it is so empty without one of my children.  My two girls have left home.  Garrett and I did everything together.  he is my best friend.   I will say the second year was worse for me and how the hell is that possible, the first was a nightmare.   I do believe with all of my heart and soul that  our children are close trying to help us.  There are times I can feel my boy.   I have a few things I do.  None of them work all the time but they help.   My Garrett loved to listen to the birds in the morning when he first woke up.  He always said there was a stupid one that if it was yelling no other birds could be heard.  

I have a place where I now feed the birds and I have a bench where I sit with these small creatures.  That is one place I find some form of relief.  The other day several blue jays were screeching.   And I said That is the stupid one, I can hear nothing over their loudness.      In my head I heard my boy say... "You finally got it."     and I cried.  I have tried to imagine my pain like a screaming bluejay... If it is too loud I cannot hear my Garrett.

I also have built in my mind an endless blanket of the softest material one side green (my favorite color) and one side purple  (Garrett's favorite color), filled with the love Garrett and I share.  I have folded it with the purple on top, green on bottom.  When my emotions are rioting, pain, rage, guilt, or any of the other plethora of agonizing feelings that are now my constant companions,  I acknowledge them, sometimes talk to them.... I imagine them as chibi (my Garrett's style of drawing) versions of myself and then I place them in the blanket full of love.  It does many times calm the rioting because I address the emotion and put it in a safe place, where both Garrett and I will protect it.

I also use stairs.  There are sets of stairs, mine all have six steps... I climb out of the darkness counting each step.  Each time I step to a new set of stairs it is an achievement, the world gets lighter as I get higher and at times there is a purple glow beside me.

I also use breathing techniques.   In through my nose for 4 and breath out through my mouth for 4.   ( I have a panic disorder I have had since I was little)  This method does help if you let it.

Most importantly for me, I have vowed to my Garrett and myself, I will not live this life without him.  I have done that on this painful hateful journey so far, despite what others say.    I truly believe our children are close, our love binds us across this unwanted separation but we cannot speak as we once did.   There are times now I can feel my son and I have seen too many things not to believe.   Know that your beloved Forrest is close, trying to help.   If I have stepped on any personal or religious beliefs, I apologize.    I am more spiritual than religious but I believe that we and our children are still bound by pure love and that keeps us together.

I hope these help a little and that you can find some thing both you and Forrest shared that will give you some methods to help.  There is no right or wrong way, but I do what feels right for Garrett and I.  Do what feels right for you and Forrest.

Please keep talking, we here do understand your pain.  It is a long agonizing road to walk alone or with those who don't understand or care.

Love and Hugs,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

dearest sea, my name is michael and i lost my son brian on april 14,2021.he was 28 years old. yes, i am also not suicidal but i feel that we have stopped living and we are here to exist . learned , as bad as it has been to take one step at a time . venturing into each day with the hope that, indeed  some day i will get to see my son again .

i am very sorry for your loss but we are all here to help each other. vent as much as you want , we all listen

[NiquesMom]

Hi sea,

I lost my 18 year old daughter Dominique December 21, 2017, almost 6 years now. 

I have many ups and downs. I am never truly happy but I try for my 10 year old son. 

The smile never reaches my eyes.

I have had many nights where I would have been ok if I never woke up again. However my husband died last year, and all my son has is me. So I will go on, for as long as I need to, and try to find slivers of contentment if I cannot find happiness.

Do you have a reason in your life to want to try to find joy? If so, grab onto it. I know my son is my only purpose now, and I worry what will happen to me as he gets older and needs me less. 

[ItsSeaAndIslandsNow]

Thank you Jacqueline, Michael, and NiquesMom. I appreciate all of your suggestions❤️❤️❤️

[Mason’s Mom]

Sea, so sorry you have had to join us.  Like Virginia I have surviving children my 2 daughters and  granddaughter.  They are my reasons for getting up each day and moving forward.  I have also made it my mission to ensure Mason is not forgotten.  I  don't use social media to remind everyone although I occasionally mention him. I find other ways like small acts of kindness and even to strangers I will tell them whatever I did was in honor of my son and ask them to pass it on. Mason had a big heart and the least I can do is to honor him.

 

 

[ItsSeaAndIslandsNow]

I wish I could say I have that reason Mason’s mom. He was my only child. I do try to find ways to honor him, but, my heart just longs for him so much all the time, every day😭