Loss of an Adult Child

[Michael Rodriguez]

happy belated birthday kyle !!!! hope you enjoyed it

[Changed]

We talk about triggers.   I’ve just surprised myself with a new one   … watching a woman I follow  on you tube and she had laryngitis - the tears rolled down my face .    I was transported to getting the call saying that David had died - you see I had laryngitis at the time and when I screamed my voice couldn’t work , it was the most pitiful sound.        That women’s voice brought it all back , bloody hell, what a miserable mess I’m in. Roz x

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz,

I am doing okay I guess.  I have been doing a lot of yard work outside and sewing inside trying to keep busy (All the colors in material and ribbon calm me)   I am making a series of ribbon flowers now.  Dont know what I will do with them yet but they are soothing to make..  I have however been putting off looking for another job.   I don't want to deal with people.   I cannot stand to listen to their inconsequencial prattle or their meaningless complaints about things that don't fucking matter.   Maybe that makes me cruel yet I think it makes me a parent who has lost entirely too much and is helpless beneath the reality that I cannot change things and bring my precious Garrett home.   I miss him Roz... so damned much every day, it is like a living, breathing cancer eating me alive.

Take care,

Jackie

 

Dearest Roz, I just got your last message.   I am so sorry.   It is small things, things we don't even think about.   I am just so damned broken .   I am here for you Roz.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

IRoz, thanks for sharing your memory. 

I have applied for a few different positions within my company.  These jobs will require me to go into the office a couple days a week.  I just not sure I can give into the complete dismantling of my current department. It is stressful to think of leaving my house that often but maybe a change of scenery might push me out of my current state. 

I went to the cemetery yesterday put new flowers on Mason's grave.  Had a good cry.

[Changed]

Dear Carol,     Those tears and the sadness we feel at moments like that is,  I guess ,  something that we will always live with .    Not as fierce as the early days but always there that longing for our children .      We are still trying to find a way  to exist and carry on without their physical presence.    
 

On the work front - if it’s not feeling right the way it’s going at present and you can find an alternative,   maybe being brave and giving it a bash could be good for you.     You never know, a fresh page may be a positive in your life.       Good luck , love. 
 

Take good care of yourself,   I know that is an effort in itself ,  but try.        Love Roz x 

[NiquesMom]

Hi everyone, I am really struggling to see why I am still here. This mountain seems insurmountable. I don't know how to get out of the hole I am in. I know Kyle needs me but some days that doesn't feel like enough. I hate life most days, just marking time. How do I find another purpose? I don't have the energy for most things.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia,

First, please remember I am here with you.   I know that feeling of struggling everyday to find purpose and I have had many days where absolutely nothing is even  near enough.    I have had much trouble finding a purpose that includes my Garrett.   I have found a little of that with taking care of just this small segment of birds, but even that many days is not enough.   I want my son, my Garrett, plan and simple.   I wish I had a magic answer...  I talk to Garrett all the time and he answers, sometimes it is a stark answer, sometimes more subtle.    Despite everyone, except my eldest daughter, pushing me to move on and "get on with life".... I have stayed true to myself in finding a way to move forward very slowly with Garrett because he is still my son, my best friend and still very much part of my life.   I know I have given no answers to help but I know it is a fight unique to this horrible road we must walk.    I know your beliefs are much like mine..... I asked Garrett for help... I know Nique and Christopher would help too.... asked them, lean on their strength.    I hope I have not overstepped, if so I am sorry.... but I hate to see anyone drowning in that black pit of agony and pain.... I have spent much time there myself and it is an ugly, hopeless place.  Keep talking Virginia... I am listening.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

 

[Dustins Mom]

Hi Virginia - my heart hurts for you and I really wish I had a simple answer.  I know it’s a massive struggle as I’ve also lost both my husband and a child. It does boil down to a lot of soul searching to enable yourself to even be open to the idea of finding and understanding your purpose. We’ll never fully understand why this happened to us but we have to make a choice at some point if we’re going to have any chance at finding joy in our lives again. We both have our living sons to keep us going and yes that can be enough!! They both need us now more than ever before in their precious lives. For our boys to see us happy and thriving in spite of our tremendous struggles and losses will carry them far beyond our expectations in their lives as well. And as others have suggested, finding someone who specializes in grief work is always a good place to start. Please know you are still loved immensely by both your daughter and your husband and don’t hesitate to ask them for their help - they’re still here to guide and support you. 
Angie ❤️

[Michael Rodriguez]

come on virginia , we all have our struggles and our demons to deal with. yes, we, all in this site , pulled the shortest straw and we have to live with the fact that we lost the most precious thing that life gave to us , one of our kids....

you also lost your husband ; right now , i get home around 7 pm , and for 15 minutes , try to enjoy dinner with my wife. because by the time i get home she is completely exhausted and can barely walk up the stairs ....my wife of 36 years and there is nothing that i can do for her but to hold her and expect that everything will turn ok...yet, life keeps on going , it did not stop when B passed away, it did not stop when nereida was diagnosed with a triple negative breast cancer .

i know that my post is not as nice as angie´s or jackie's , but all of us in this blog have several thing in common , we lost the most; a child and we were left to hold the fort standing , and we have no choice but to do as so. you have to be strong and find a way to keep on going ....you have no idea how many times i have wanted to throw in the towel ....you have no idea the amount of times  i have wanted to say the F .....word and get the hell out of Dodge !!!!

but here we are ,all of us, we have to keep on going, we have no choice in the matter !!!!!

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia,

As much as our reason for being together and talking is the same painful, soul wrenching reason.... our journey on this horrendous, painful road will be very unique and different than any other persons.   It will be as unique as our children our spouses and ourselves.... alas there is no definitive method to follow.    For some it is pulling up boot straps and mustering through, Some find purpose in helping others, Some find strength in being the anchor for their remaining family,  some move on with life.... Even though I know each and every one of us have moments where we want to quit and make the pain stop... we want our children!  Our Spouses!   

No path is right or wrong.... however there a right and wrong path for each one of us... there could be several right paths for us but there are also wrong paths for each individual.     Virginia, I truly believe the first place to start is within.   Look inside your broken heart and soul.   What do you, yourself, Virginia need to keep walking on this ugly road.   

I found I had to establish a link between myself and Garrett.   I said it early on and I stand by my words and actions today.   I will not walk this life without my Garrett.   Now my task was and is to find ways of doing that.  To hell with what everyone else says I should be doing.  If they don't like my decisions they can move their asses out of my way.   I have lost friends and family but as painful and as bleak and as broken as my life and I am ... I am stronger than I was 20 months ago., no thanks to the so called help I have received from those who kept and still keep telling me what to do.  

I am stretching my hand out Virginia, hang on to it.  I will listen and I will cry with you.   I have yet to pass one day without tears falling, at times hysterically.   Walk slowly, easily and you, Virginia do what you need to find your footsteps.   My heart and tears and myself are with you.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

 

[Changed]

My dear Virginia,    now is the time to get some professional help with the grief .   I know you said that you didn’t want to go down that road but the language you’re using is pointing you in that direction.      
   You are , obviously,  depressed  but you don’t want that to have tipped into a clinical depression.   It is all so understandable  and relatable but you sound very different to your usual thoughts and after speaking with you for years now I can hear the struggle.        
It doesn’t have to be a heavy session -  just a chat through what is going on .

Would it help at all to have an actual phone conversation with anyone in our group or a charity group .   We have the Samaritans here in the uk  - you don’t have to be suicidal to speak with them but it’s the first thing that they ask then it is just talking it out loud.     I’m going to Google what is available to you.    Speaking without the formality of a doctor or therapist visit may be a good start and better suited to you if you’re hesitant to  take that step.

I’ll check back soon.    Don’t go quiet on us  - keep posting - we are all looking out for you.  
Love Roz x

[Changed]

Hi Virginia,      yes ,  you have a lot of choice of phone help lines ( including Samaritan s). The grief help one’s sound perfect and the list they give of what you might be feeling is everything you were saying about yourself.     Please take a look .  
Im sorry that you are so low but I hope that you can start to feel better soon .     Love Roz x 

 

[patrickmorrow]

I highly suggest Grief Share in your locale.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia

I would love a "hey" from you to let us know ...  that you know you're not alone....    Roz is right, if the depression is getting severe, it will go clinical and will be much harder to get in front of.  Please see about getting something to help you manage your depression.   I take an extra medication now when my pain gets unmanageable.   I don't like it but it does help.

I also think Roz has another good point.   As much as we want to..... we have all found we cannot do this alone, one of the reasons we are here, on this site.     I know many people who have benefited from Grief Share... It was not for me but please check it out... but also don't limit your options....  Perhaps medication to help manage the pain,  an in person grief support group, assisting at a shelter for injured animals or a Buddhist Temple,  (I have spoken to one monk at a close temple here and he has helped me from time to time).   Five options for starters but don't keep with one or any of them if they feel like they are not a good fit for you... instead keep looking.   I do believe despite the horrible event that has brought us all here, our journey, while the same, will be vastly unique.   It can take a traditional route or be way out of the box.   It is what helps us manage... not the "I can't do this" but instead the "I don't want to do any of this without my child or my spouse."  My heart and thoughts are with you.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

I am here. I went back to read some of my posts as I approached nique one year mark and I was on a similar path. One post even says I took Lexapro (I don't remember that at all!) So I have an appt in a week with my Dr and I will talk to her. I think it's just building up to the one year again. It's different because this time I feel more alone. I use this group as my outlet for the things I can't say to everyone else who won't understand.

Jackie, Angie, Roz, patrickmorrow: Thank you for your kind words and suggestions. This is such a hard path and I know I have lost my footing this year, but I am sure I will find it again 

Michael, I am sorry you have such a small window of time with your wife, are you able to take time off work to be with her now? I know I was balancing work and home and Christopher, and I wish I had taken more sick time with him. I was trying to save it for when he came home. 

[Changed]

Thanks for updating Virginia - I’ll sleep better now.  Love Roz x 

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you Virginia for letting us know how you are doing....  It is the worst of any horrible roads.    I too will sleep better after hearing from you.   Every day is so damned hard but there are days that are worse... 

Love and Hugs,

Jackie

Dearest Michael,

I think of you and Nereida so much.  My heart and best wishes are with you both...

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia,

Just checking in to see how your feeling today.   I have had a crying day... missing Garrett terrible....

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Hi Jackie. It's been rough. Today is nique birthday and not one person remembered. I had a few I thought would remember but no one. At least Christopher would have remembered but he's gone now too. 

Just a really hard day.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia,

I am so sorry.   Happy Birthday Nique.   Is she 24 or 25?  Nique is the same age as my Garrett.  He turned 24 in January.  I am sorry Virginia, it is appalling to me that people are so damned cruel.    I am with you.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Changed]

Dear Virginia,   that is sad that family and friends didn’t comment on Nique’s birthday and it will hurt you.     Do you think that may be they did remember but didn’t know whether to say so to you in case it upset you  ?    
Apart from my daughter no one mentions David’s birthday either - that doesn’t upset me though - the fact that he is not with us is what gets me.        I tend to think that people who knew David will remember and think of him throughout their lives  - something they once shared will come into their head and David will be remembered without my even knowing it.         The memory of our children live on within so many - they are not forgotten .   Love Roz x

 

[NiquesMom]

Hi Jackie, nique would have been 24 yesterday. Forever 18 in my heart. I miss her so much and it hurts so bad for none of my family to remember her. I guess it was inevitable but it felt like I lost her all over again.

Hi Roz, I don't know if they thought of her or not. I hope they did but fear she is just a memory to them and it's not an important day anymore. I have always been a person who remember dates, some people aren't. I wish I wasn't. 

It is a 3 day weekend here so it is just extra long. Want to get back to my routines.

[Changed]

I’ve been having a think since I posted about  how different the experience is of each and every one of us regarding others acknowledging  our children.       Whereas all of us here share the misery and grief of losing our children our individual experiences afterwards differ.

Small extended families  or moving location from our child’s upbringing will make it harder to be surrounded by family or our child’s friends .    I fall into that camp - no one where I live even met Dave and what is left of my family is tiny .    I don’t make announcements or arrange anything to celebrate Dave’s life  with others either - I keep it very much to ourselves - a bit of self protection, maybe. 
It is so uplifting to see Carol’s family, friends and community remember  Mason so openly,  or that B’s friends still involve Micheal in their lives.       For many of us this will never be part of our lives but we can do what we can to remember our child on their best dates , birthdays , and celebrate them by doing something nice - a day out or donating.      Something small when we feel strong enough and to build on that as a positive.     Leave death dates, angle dates,  alone as much as we can to save our sanity and focus on the good stuff - that they were born , that they are ours and we love them forever.    I’m going to try .  In my seventh year , it’s about time.     Love Roz x
 

[Changed]

Virginia, it’s a bank holiday week here too , third this month ! 
there was a mum ( Luanne?).  who posted here who lost her daughter .     Whilst her child was alive , on her daughters’s birthdays ,  they would go for ice cream together to celebrate - following her death this ritual was continued.      The mum would go to a different town and visit an ice cream parlour each year - just as if she had her girl still with her.   I thought that so sweet and personal.    She did say that she entered one parlour and the manager shouted out her daughter’s name  - Kiera, I think.    It took her aback as it’s a less than common name but it was the assistant’s name too and the manager was calling to her.      That must have felt so encouraging - can you imagine? 

Could you take the lead and tell your family that it is Nique’s birthday  next year and see if it is the permission they need to say something .    My brother really wouldn’t have ever known David’s birthdate ( or mine)   it was my mum that would tell him and get him to sign her card (she died two years before David did)  so he would just be awkward if I prompted him.      
You are a bit too low to plan now but maybe a lovely treat that Nique would love could become the treat that you and Kyle can enjoy on Nique’s  birthdays in future - same with Christopher’s.    It is important that  we can still enjoy moments with our lost loved ones and a good lesson for Kyle. 

Here is me talking without following my own advice - on Dave’s birthday I wish him happy birthday  and that I love him ( as always) then get on with my day - I don’t expect too much of myself and try not to dwell on what could have been.       You know, I am still not able to  focus on all the fun and wonderful things with and about David - I still think about the sadness of losing him most of all .      I worried a lot about him when he went off travelling- he was adventurous and would get involved in anything that he didn’t see as the right thing for others to do - a very dangerous trait in foreign lands.    His sister and I would fret about what he was up to so far away  ( my husband less so as he was an adventurous sort too)  and that worry about him is imprinted.  
love, Roz x

[Dustins Mom]

Virginia - Happy Belated Birthday to your beautiful Monique! It would’ve been my Dustin’s 40th birthday last November; only 6 months from the day he died and I had maybe 2 people remember. 
What I did was post my birthday wishes to him via Facebook (which I rarely use) and was flooded with kind words and wishes for him and for me and my remaining son. 
A gentle way to help ease the pain is to ask yourself if those people would’ve remembered her birthday even if she were still alive. If not, well, they’re just still being who they were before she died. It’s our expectations that can sometimes cause the most pain. 
I didn’t want to put anything on Social Media but I did anyway because somewhere along the way I read that we, as the survivors, have shifted roles and are now expected to be their ‘Memory Keepers’. It’s up to us to make sure they’re never forgotten, to remind others how important they were,  and still are. And if you don’t use Social Media then pick up the phone and call whoever it is you’d hoped to hear from. Tell them it was her birthday and how sad you were that no one remembered. And love, this explains so much of where your recent depression may be stemming from. It was her birthday!!! One of the most wondrous days in your entire life. Your body still remembers even if you’re not conscious of it. And of course you’d be extra, extra sad during the days leading up to her special day. You’ve just survived and overcome another tough obstacle on this rocky road we call grief. You’re doing good Virginia- don’t ever think otherwise. I hope you and Kyle had birthday cake and blew out the candles together! 🎂 

much love and sympathy, Angie 

[Michael Rodriguez]

happy belated b'day nique !!!!

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia,

I am hoping perhaps our two beloved 24 years olds have made one another's acquaintance.  I miss my precious Garrett.  It is time for another round of tears.   Thinking of you all.

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  I am sorry I missed Nique's birthday.  I have read your posts and although it pains me to hear your desperation let it out.  Don't bottle those emotions. 

Jackie as I read your posts I think about how much you hurt but you are encouraging and checking on others.  Sometimes I feel that is why we are here,  we can encourage and help others.  I believe Garrett is giving you a big thumbs up 👍.  

Roz, sometimes it is hard to go shopping locally or just out and about because I will see people that know me or knew Mason and sometimes it is awkward but I am blessed to have others acknowledge him. It does do my heart good to hear stories or just a smile of acknowledgement. 

Michael,  I hope your wife will regain her strength.  It is difficult to stay positive and provide our loved ones with the care they need when it feels like it takes all our effort to just keep going. 

Angie,  I feel like I am Mason's memory keeper after all that is all we have left. Those memories have to last a lifetime,  my lifetime as he isn't here to make me laugh, give that smile and the best hugs.  I haven't forgotten those tough times when I couldn't understand what he was thinking or why he did things I didn't want him to do.  Those are the hardest to forget,  those regrets of words spoken that can't be erased. At least my last hours with him were good. 

I try to remember and do my best to be in the present with my family. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol 

Edited May 30, 2023 by Mason’s Mom
Didn't finish

[NiquesMom]

Carol, Jackie, Angie, Roz and Michael: thank you for listening to and helping me. I remember a few years ago thinking I wouldnt need this website anymore as I was feeling pretty OK with my grief journey.

Christopher illness and death have sent me into a tailspin. I am trying to right myself but some days are just more difficult.

I am sorry if I made anyone worry or upset with my sadness. I just don't feel safe venting to most people because they just don't understand the depth of the grief and that all I need is someone to tell me I am not crazy.

My friends fiance died this weekend in a car crash. My stepsisters adult son also died this weekend. I feel so sad for the destruction that has landed in their worlds. I offered to speak with them, and will if they want to.

Not sure I would suggest this website as this is my place and I wouldn't feel comfortable them hearing all the crazy that goes thru my head at times. Is that terrible?

Next week marks one year since Christopher died. I am hoping I smooth out a bit until the holidays.

Thanks for holding my hand everyone

[Changed]

Virginia,  OMG what an awful weekend for tragic news - so sorry for them all.   No, you’re not terrible to keep this space for yourself - it would change it for you if you had to monitor what you say.

It will be tough next week - the date of our loved ones leaving this world is always going to be horrible as we try to cope.      I imagine you will be dreading it.      It has been a really heavy time for you lately - all these emotional milestones would cause anyone to melt a bit.   You will build again and be stronger for it. 
 

I remember our shock when you lost Christopher- after the ups and downs of his illness I thought he would pull through - the photos you posted made him so connected to us and I’m sure we all remember him as one of ours.     Are you doing anything special with Kyle ?   My grandson and his mum have never told me that they do anything - I hope that they do - I’d want them to show their love for my boy.    That is weird of me to say as I don’t do anything special and I don’t know what I’d expect them to do other than acknowledge what the loss means to them- my head is full of anguish as the date approaches then I just get through it as best I can - I message them over in Australia to share our sadness  .   I hate that date and what it means to us.     

love Roz x

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia,

You have always been there for me when I am sinking in that bottomless pit.   I cannot believe a year has passed already, my heart goes out to you.   It makes me sick how life just pushes forward and crushes us so carelessly.   I am thinking of everyone.  My heart is very heavy today and I miss Garrett terrible.

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

virginia , what a week !!!!!! how old was the son of your step sister ? how tragic .....i can not believe that chris has been gone for a year already ....time is just a blink of an eye .....so sorry of the burden you have been going thru .....and i appologize for being kind of rough last week ......but over the last 2 years , you and roz , have been the ones that have kept me strong and going. i could not bare you breaking down on me , i need you to be strong , you guys are key to this blog , its you guys that all of us reach out too !!! 

i should keep my mouth shut, putting even more pressure !!!!

but i am really sorry for all you are going thru 

[Dianas Mom]

I am drowning in the grief of Diana's death. The 1 year mark of losing her was last month. I don't know how to go on or that I even really want to. I don't recognize myself, the person I've become is so foreign to me and I don't like her. I have a therapist, do online meditations, have read numerous books on grief, journal my feelings,  post when I'm able to this group and made many more  attempts to move along this grief path. I'm just so weary and worn out, crushed and broken. Trying to be strong and positive, but feeling so weak and negative. My mind races in circles, totally confused. Have no motivation, the simplest tasks are too hard and go undone. I'm incapable of feeling any pleasure, just an emptiness and profound loneliness inside. I know all of you are going through the tragic loss of your child and my heart aches for each of you. I wish there were some magic words to make our loss more bearable. 

Thinking of you all,

Yvonne

[Jacqueline3]

My Dearest Yvonne,

I feel your last email as if it was ripped from my soul.   I too have no idea who this shell of a person is.  I am quick to hysterical tears and quick to raging anger.    Something as small as stumping my toe sends me into a spiral into the black pits of hell and I drown over and over again always screaming Garrett's name.   I find the strength one day to crawl out of the roiling blackness knowing another small mishap will send me spiraling back in.      I am 20 months since I last saw my Garrett and held him close.    I too have tried therapy and books and seminars yet none seem to reach the dark emptiness  that my life has become.     I wish I had an answer for all of us but there is no fix and no easy bandaid.   

I am no expert ( I do not believe there are any in this realm)   I am just a mother who loves her son always and forever and misses him with every breath I take.  Despite the above description of the lonely heartbreaking pain of this walk, I do believe our children are close.   I know that sounds like a major contradiction but I believe it with all my heart and soul.   It isn't enough to stop the pain or the loneliness but I can feel my precious son at the strangest of times, the other day I swear I heard his beloved laugh inside my ear and I cried and laughed at the same time and I swear my Garrett was laughing with me and he rubbed the back of my head like he used to.  I have seen and felt things over these last 20 months that I know are my boy.     My belief is our raw, unbridled pain can block us from hearing them.   In rare moments they break through the barrier and we are taken off guard or doubt our own minds and god forbid tell someone and they look at you like your crazy.   Our love binds us across this unwanted divide.

I have made myself  paint but I have tried different techniques, sewing, anything with color, color always calmed me but I also use a lot of Garrett's favorite colors, purple and orange but I have included Garrett in each thing I make asking for preference and color.   It is the hardest fucking thing I have ever done and I wish to hell I could turn back time and make it right.   I have made a vow to my Garrett.   I will not walk this life without him.  This life is no longer mine but his and mine to share..... I have found myself having the odd urge to watch Asian horror movies.   I have really enjoyed several.  the genre is Garrett's favorite.    I do not say this is a path for everyone.  I do believe each journey is as unique and special just as our relationship with our children is.  But I do believe we can walk this life with our children... perhaps thinking outside the box will help or perhaps not.   I just know I have to keep trying, no matter how many damned times I land in the black pits of hell and need Jolene and all of you to pull me back out.   I will not let go of my son's hand nor will I walk this life without him.  

I hope this in some way helps Yvonne, I am not pushing my beliefs on anyone just offering hope as my precious son has offered me every single time he sends a cardinal to sit on my bedroom window and peck the glass as I cry in agony.

Jackie

 

[Changed]

Dear Yvonne,    That’s it - just what you said .   We echo those feelings and have said exactly the same things.       Even over the last few pages you can read the same things from various friends.

At one year since you so sadly lost Diana it is still very early on - there is a lot of ground to cover .

We are altered and it will take time to recognise yourself and learn how to continue .      Some things  will never change for as long as we live - you will always love your daughter and always miss her but in a softer way than you are now.    How you get there and how long it takes will be different for each of us here.      
I have found that ( now over six years since David died) managing the guilt I have if I feel joy is tricky.   I am guilt free if I find pleasure in children or animals but seem to check myself if I’m enjoying music or a story - but that is getting easier  as I found it impossible to do before now.    It’s almost as if someone will think ( even oneself)  that if we show happiness then we are no longer sad about our child - this , of course, is not true but it can be very sobering.

I think about David throughout my days but it’s mostly quietly to myself .     I don’t cry every day and when I do it’s sad tears - not sobbing.      Being busy is good but wanting to be busy is difficult for me, 

You sound as if your doing everything that you can to help yourself navigate your grief - having patience with yourself is key.     Please take care and trust that it won’t always be like this. 
love Roz x 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Yvonne,

Just checking in to see how you are feeling this morning.   You are not alone.  I am thinking of you and feel your loneliness and pain.  We are walking this path together.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Dianas Mom]

Jackie,

Thank you for asking about me. I feel as if the intensity of the grief will never lessen, the pain is so great. Yes, as you say, we are all walking the same path and are not alone.

Love,

Yvonne

[Dianas Mom]

Dear Roz,

It is true as you say that at 1 year the loss is still early on and that I will always miss my daughter but in a softer way. That was very comforting. I trust you when you say it won't always be like this. 

Love,

Yvonne

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Yvonne,

It is good to hear you.    I am at 20 months, although I have a few moments of a softer pain, those moment still let got to the pain you are feeling now and I fall back into the black pit of despair and wrenching pain.   I do think that is the process of coming to accept what has happened and walk with it.    Accepting has been and still is one of my biggest hurdles.  How could the heavens do this to my Garrett...  He deserved so much more than they gave him.    Shortly after losing my Garrett,  a young man close to Garrett's age shot up an elementary school, killing several of the young students.   The incident fueled the rage inside and has stayed with me since... another of the hurdles I must overcome.   It is a work in progress.   Why were the fates decided in such a way?    I am thinking and walking with you.

Love and hugs,

Jackie 

[NiquesMom]

Yvonne, I can honestly say the person I was before nique died is gone and will never be back. I will find moments when I feel like the old me but they are few and far between. 

When I look at pictures, the smile never reaches my eyes. It's all "fake it till you make it."

I have found coloring helps me. I use an app and color pictures. It's mindless but soothing. Most days I just can't concentrate long enough on things, nor do I care enough.

While the loss is softer, for me it becomes more depressing because I have realized this is my life now and I just want my old life back. I can recognize that there are good things in my life, but the sadness is just always there. 

I have not yet found a time when I am not sad.

We are all on this terrible journey, and I will hold your (virtual) hand and walk with you.

[Jacqueline3]

Hello to all,

I was outside doing yard work trying to starve off the ever present fall but I am swimming once again in the pit of despair and agony.   I will take one of the extra pills the doctor gave me get in the shower and cry until I can cry no more.  I am like you Virginia.   The sadness is ever present and I just want my Garrett back.    This is the cycle I have come to expect... I neither like it nor want it yet this is now my life.

Thinking of you all,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

I would like to say that I know we all want our precious children and spouses back... our whole lives....  My heart bleeds for us all.

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

On 5/30/2023 at 3:55 PM, Michael Rodriguez said:

virginia , what a week !!!!!! how old was the son of your step sister ? how tragic .....i can not believe that chris has been gone for a year already ....time is just a blink of an eye .....so sorry of the burden you have been going thru .....and i appologize for being kind of rough last week ......but over the last 2 years , you and roz , have been the ones that have kept me strong and going. i could not bare you breaking down on me , i need you to be strong , you guys are key to this blog , its you guys that all of us reach out too !!! 

i should keep my mouth shut, putting even more pressure !!!!

but i am really sorry for all you are going thru 

Michael, he was 37, 3 kids. He was only 6 years younger than I am.  I am going to wait, you all now the friends and family disappear. I will reach out to her periodically to see if she wants to talk but she and I have never been close. In fact, the only time I met her was at my dad's funeral (her mom was dad's third wife). 

[Michael Rodriguez]

18 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

Michael, he was 37, 3 kids. He was only 6 years younger than I am.  I am going to wait, you all now the friends and family disappear. I will reach out to her periodically to see if she wants to talk but she and I have never been close. In fact, the only time I met her was at my dad's funeral (her mom was dad's third wife). 

and only 8 years older than brian , and with 3 kids ..... what a shame ....try to reach out to her , that would be nice of you

[Changed]

Dear Jackie,     How are you?     Are you seeing a change in your birds at this time of year?  Our garden is very busy with lots a chirping and chatting.      It’s very dry and hot so we are concentrating on lots of water pots for them .     I’m glad you find some solace there with them .    I

I hope everyone is doing ok - whatever ok is for each of you.       Love Roz x

 

[Jacqueline3]

My Dearest Roz,

I am doing okay, ups and downs.   I still cry every day and there are times Garrett not being here is just unbearable and my heart breaks anew.   I have seen a little less traffic at my feeders and a change in the birds that I have.  It is still very active but not quite as active as winter.  That surprised me.   I do have four chipmunks and a groundhog and her two babies that are active visitors.  The little groundhogs tickle me.  Of course I have the plethora of squirrels and every year I get an athletic prodigy.   It is still a place Garrett and I sit and I talk to my boy.    There is a strange, albeit shaky,  peace there.   It is dry and hot here too and right now we are getting some of the smokey haze and bad air quality from the Canada wildfires.  It must be very bad there for the effects to travel to us in Pennsylvania.    How are you doing?   I know the sadness never ends and the profound feelings of loss grow heavy.  I think of you often.  Love and hugs to you and your family.

I hope everyone is doing okay, as okay as we can in this unwanted, altered life.   I think of all of you everyday.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Changed]

Hi Jackie ,  That’s awful with the fires- when I lived in Singapore we suffered from  cinders on the air as the annual burn off in Indonesia drifted across to us.   It was choking, heaven knows how bad it was for those more directly involved.    Your wildlife sound so sweet - we don’t have ground hogs or chipmunks here but I can raise you a badger.

I’m ok thanks.   It’s always there isn’t it ?     I feel sorry for any other children in a grieving family - they have lost their sibling but also their parents as they knew them.   As the years have gone by , I try to be as bright as I can for my daughter’s  sake but I know I’m a  not a shadow of who I was - I’m much  tamer and a lot less fun.

How are all of your projects progressing ?    Let me know what you’re trying.   Your art work was lovely      I bought some hand made Christmas cards from an animal charity shop last year  - perhaps you could make some simple unique ones with your art to donate so that there is a real beneficiary of your work.       
keep going.   Love Roz x

[Michael Rodriguez]

last thursday out of no where , B's closest friends showed up at home. and you can tell that they miss him , but i can understand that they have moved on .....gosh!!!! both , nereida and i  have changed because of the pain . but we go one day at a time  !!!  i watched them as they were all laughing at B´s stupidities ,which he was full of them , and going on and on about the stories and laughing and having a good time....and even us , would laugh ....but the pain in our hearts will never go away .....there is not one day that at least one tear i will shed. 

so jackie, i have those same feelings......

[Changed]

Michael,  I think that must have been so meaningful to have B’s friends show you how they remember him and care about you all.
     It is so painful to go through life without our children - David is always on my mind - it’s as if I’m still looking for him.   How can he be gone ?   It is all out of order and so wrong.

How is your wife feeling with her treatment?     I hope that she is doing well.

love Roz x

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael,

That is so nice B's friends visited.   I know we all  shed our tears... every single day.   I too Roz, am always searching for Garrett ever looking for my boy.

Thinking of you all,

Jackie