Loss of an Adult Child

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Jamie,

I am thinking of you through these first very difficult days.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Kyle is having a really hard time.

He is healing (he lost his toenail this weekend so he is hurting). Physically he is healing. But his emotions are all over the place. He fell while trick or treating last night, and was inconsolable. He told me how much he hates his life, and wishes he was someone else.

I offered therapy for him, tried explaining some people hide their pain better than others.

I dont know how to help him, and that hurts me.

[Jacqueline3]

dearest Virginia,

It sounds like everything is too much.  Losing his toenail was  just the catalyst that sent him into and emotional turmoil.   Perhaps therapy,   to deal with all of his losses and having to live and life he no longer recognizes, because as much as you try, his Mum is different too.   It is something Jolene tells me... and she always adds, I do not expect you to be the same but I have to  adjust to another loss.   Sit down and talk to him about everything and talk perhaps about therapy.   If you go that route I hope to hell you can find someone worth their weight.   I have not had much luck that way.    One that will not isolate what is said between them from you.   At his age, I would not want that....  Again if I am stepping on toes, sorry just offering suggestions.   I am so damned broken.....  I hope it helps

love and hugs to you both.

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

kyle is 10 , right? he is just starting to go thru that stage in life where he hates everybody and life is miserable ....plus the extras of all his life changing events with his dad and sister. 

just my humble opinion before rushing over to a shrink. i remember nikki and brian at ages 14 and 10 ...they were so annoying , we just wanted to get away from them.

give him a chance to express himself (which he seems doing) and let him catch his breathe.

because of weight issues and being quite introvert, we took nikki to psychiatrist , did more harm than good....now she acts in improvs and has a great career in marketing . she is a sarcastic bitch and makes everybody laugh and they enjoy her company ....again my humble opinion. take it like a grain of salt

[NiquesMom]

Thanks everyone! I think he is doing a bit better.

He has a school assignment to make a totem pole and has to put pictures that represents people important to him. He is struggling deciding if he wants to include Nique. He doesn't remember her since he was only 4. I told him if he doesn't include her it doesn't mean he doesn't love her or that he doesn't have a sister. I also told him I understand maybe he doesn't want to have to talk about her at school. It's hard enough that his dad died and all the kids know that. Oh yeah, part of the assignment is to talk about what each symbol means.

I think as long as he keeps talking to me, we are on the right track.

[Changed]

Virginia,  the only thing that matters right now is what makes Kyle the most comfortable.     The fact that you talk together so openly is incredibly healthy .     If he doesn’t feel as if he wants to put Nique ‘s face on the pole and talk about her  in class then he shouldn’t - but I would suggest that he does make another totem pole along with you at home that does include her  - that way he wont feel bad about this either now or in the future.  Love Roz x 

[NiquesMom]

Hello all, it's been very quiet on here. 

Nothing major for us. Kyle started working on the totem pole project, and does have Christopher and Nique represented. Still working on what he is going to say.

Getting ready to go on our first cruise next weekend. Will be out of touch with everyone for a week since I am not purchasing the wifi. So I hope all who celebrate have as peaceful of a thanksgiving as they can. We are going on the cruise because I have no family to celebrate with, and it makes us sad to sit at home just the two of us. So, we will be in Grand Turk on Thanksgiving Day, and I hope that makes it better for us. If so, we may start traveling every thanksgiving. Thinking Germany next year

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia I am sorry Kyle is having a rough time.  Most kids feel that way from Time to time . We have hard days and say things when we are emotional.  I have days when I  wish I was someone else.  I hope the cruise gives both of you a much needed break and provides an escape  for a few days. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

virginia ....👍👍......i am so happy for both of you ....as  a matter of fact , i just changed my mind...I HATE YOU BOTH!!!!! that should be  a heck of a thanksgiving !!!!!! please try to enjoy nas much as you can ......just tell kyle , if it does not look like stuffed turkey....that it still will just taste like chicken !!

[NiquesMom]

Everyone is very quiet, I hope you are all holding it together as the holiday season comes up on us.

I know we all have different ways of coping, I for one tend to pull inwards and kind of hide away. Try not to poke my head up until January.

[Michael Rodriguez]

well, you told us that you would be out of touch!!! both carol and i replied

[NiquesMom]

I'm sorry Michael, I simply meant that it was quiet on here. I apologize for not responding directly to your post, I meant no harm. I am worried about those who don't post very often and didn't want to say that in too direct of a manner, but I understand that was not conveyed in my post. I am not the best at words sometimes.

Again, I apologize.

[Michael Rodriguez]

14 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

I'm sorry Michael, I simply meant that it was quiet on here. I apologize for not responding directly to your post, I meant no harm. I am worried about those who don't post very often and didn't want to say that in too direct of a manner, but I understand that was not conveyed in my post. I am not the best at words sometimes.

Again, I apologize.

no need to apologize....i am just trying to be ,just so often , a smart ass to see if i can put a little smile on all of our faces. which i know it is not often that it does happen.

i also hate so much the holiday season as i get to miss my B so much more. it has been 31 months and i miss him now more than ever....

please,please,please enjoy your trip. i hope kyle has so much fun!!

 

[NiquesMom]

Oh, ok, that makes more sense! I am a literal person, so jokes and sarcasm are hard for me. Online makes it harder too.  I thought I made you mad, which was not my intention at all.

I truly appreciate the levity you provide to all of us.

This page helps me so much. I appreciate everyone here, and hope we all have peace this holiday season.

We are leaving on Saturday and will be gone for 1 week. We will be surrounded by 5000 people on Thanksgiving Day so I hope we feel less lonely.

[Changed]

Bon voyage Virginia,   Have a rewarding  break .    Such a good move for you both - I look forward to hearing all about it on your return.   I’ve never sailed around there but I hear it is beautiful.  Love Roz x

[Changed]

Where are you Jackie ?     I hope that you’re busy in a good way - unlike you to not be posting.

I had David visit me in a dream last night - I cupped his face and gave him a kiss - it’s stayed fresh with me all day - not faded like the rest of the dream .    He is always on my mind, of course ,  but November is difficult as I relive the last weeks of his life  in a more intense way.      I think I’m so scowly that it’s given me a few migraines - not feeling right.     
love Roz x 

[NiquesMom]

Roz, I love that you got to see your boy! I hope that feeling stays and helps you. 

I sometimes have to force myself to smile because I can have RBF. So I try. 

Sorry you are not feeling right. Maybe a long hot bath can ease some of the stress.

[Changed]

Virginia, had to look up what RBF is.      You have no idea of the conditions that I’d attached to those initials  !   Glad it’s just ……… Roz x

[NiquesMom]

Lol, resting b**** face! 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz,

I am so happy that you had a visit from David.  It sounds so wonderful.   I am getting by, my heart is heavy as I know all of ours are and I cry much at the moment.   I have always loved this time of year and have so many wonderful memories with the children when they were young and older.... Now it makes my stomach turn and my heart bleed.  Hope you are doing well.

Virginia, you and Kyle enjoy your cruise.

To all, I hope you are doing well at this difficult time of years.

Love to all,

Jackie

[Changed]

Jackie, I’m finding it hard to focus on happy memories - I try but right now the bad stuff is winning.   It’s been seven years  at the end of this month since David died - it is hard.    
I’m not in the same space as you are at this moment - the years of grief have morphed from one shape to another  - all ugly but not as out as control as they were.      I suppose, as bleak as it sounds,  we get used to  our unwanted  reality and learn to live along side it.

How is  you daughter doing ?   I think about her and how well she does supporting you as she deals with her health.    You are there for each other .  
love Roz x 

[Changed]

Michael,     May I ask how your wife and daughter are ?          I hope that no news is good news.

The ups and downs of life are  difficult enough but on top of our grief  it can be hard to stay afloat at times.     Stay strong .  Love , Roz 

[Changed]

Carol,   Are you into your new job yet ?      I hope that your lot are coping as best they can  after their  health issues  - it’s been a big bump in the road for you over the last few months and i don’t expect it will be easy over the coming one.      Thinking of you all.  Love Roz x 

[Changed]

Is anyone else still reading ?    If so , I hope that you are finding some peace  and have found some support and comfort in your grief.    Love, Roz

[Michael Rodriguez]

13 hours ago, Changed said:

Michael,     May I ask how your wife and daughter are ?          I hope that no news is good news.

The ups and downs of life are  difficult enough but on top of our grief  it can be hard to stay afloat at times.     Stay strong .  Love , Roz 

both doing ok , wife fighting with me....so i guess that is a good sign. nikki with a bad cold but surviving.....thanks for asking.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz,

Jolene is still fighting with all the issues her attack caused, but making some headway, very slow headway but at least it is forward.   Thank you for asking after her.   I know happiness is a thing of the past, I just cannot muster any, It feels wrong, like all the others that have moved on and will not even speak Garrett's name.   I cannot do that to my son.  I love him, he is still my boy and I miss him terribly.   I am working to find some balance but that is an on going struggle.  I ache to hug my Garrett.   At  the moment I am just climbing constantly in my head to avoid the darkness, of course there is always a shimmer of beautiful deep purple at my side.... My boy.    Roz, I don't know how to live this life, I don't consider it a life anymore, just existing but I still keep trying.   

Dearest Carol, I have always had a softness for the turkey vulture, the ugly bird that is always overlooked.  ( In many Native American cultures the turkey vulture is a symbol of protection and rebirth)    There is a dozen or so that have taken up residence in the woods behind the house.   It is quite a sight to see all of them sitting on the branches of the trees.  They are so big.  I have taken this as a sign of the rebirth in Garrett and I's relationship and moving together now as things are.  It has offered me some hope, something I have had very little of and it is so damned difficult as all of you  know first hand.    Of course I still sit with all of my little ones too.  Garrett is always there, I can feel him.

I too am thinking of everyone, It has been quiet on the site.  I am thinking of you all and wishing you some comfort in these difficult times.

Love and Comfort to all,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

On 11/18/2023 at 8:23 PM, Changed said:

Carol,   Are you into your new job yet ?      I hope that your lot are coping as best they can  after their  health issues  - it’s been a big bump in the road for you over the last few months and i don’t expect it will be easy over the coming one.      Thinking of you all.  Love Roz x 

I have started my new job and going to the office 3 days a week, some days I feel lost , I work with a small group and still trying to determine how I  fit. My family is feeling better so that is a load off my back.  This time of year is so difficult as you know.  I feel so torn , I want Magnolia to experience all the wonders of the season and I don't feel like I am the grandma she needs. It is like being torn between the living and the lost.  How is your daughter? I read you had a visit from David,  has this happened very much. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Jackie I was concerned when you hadn't posted in a while. Strange you mentioned the turkey vultures because for the last few years there is a tree a few miles from my house that has had a group that always seems to be perched on it or near it. I like the idea of protection from them as Mason was the protector of those he loved.  He had such a heart for those less fortunate and would stand up for them no matter the consequences.  I miss him so much.  I keep my feeder filled and miss watching it from window as I work.  I do see things on my way to work and back that reminds me of him.  What kinds of birds are visiting at this time of year?

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Carol,

Your Mason sounds much like my Garrett standing up for those others decide to prey upon.    I am glad you have the turkey vultures near.   I have many cardinals, chickadees, nuthatches, black eyed Juncos, downy woodpeckers , red bellied woodpeckers, bluejays and a plethora of sparrows, I still cannot tell apart except the white throated sparrow....  

I feel the same about this time of year and I too feel I am not the Nanna that Daylin deserves....  I hope you can settle comfortably in your new job soon....

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Hello all,

I see we all made it through.

Kyle and I did ok, but I realized it does not matter where I go or what I do, I will always be sad. There were moments of happiness, and pride for being able to do things we were scared to do. But a lot of the time I watched big families having fun together. Surrounded by 6000 other passengers and 1600 crew, I still felt alone. Thanksgiving wasn't any easier on a cruise ship than if we had been here at home. I cannot outrun this sadness, so I carry it with me.

I tried a lot of new foods, different foods, because that's what Christopher would have done. Talked of him and Nique all trip, the things they would have liked or hated. 

There is never a vacation from the pain, the grief, the sadness. I am just getting better at not always showing it, I think.

I hope you all found some moments of peace.

Love y'all!

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia, I think it is good for us to talk about them. I think I am better about hiding it as well. For me I feel like I struggle with being present and it upsets me that I can't enjoy the holidays.  Still struggle with shopping and decorating. 

We carry our loved ones and with that comes the pain of loss. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Having a rough evening,  opened Pintrest and everything I see is a stab in the heart.  I want to believe I will be reunited with my son when my time on earth is done but tonight that just seems like a mind game or fantasy that is impossible.  December has been hard for 6 years and it isn't even here yet and I am in a dark place. I miss my son so much. 

[Changed]

Carol,  Today is seven years since David died.    The immediate lead up to this day has been very painful but today is just miserable and dulled - I know it’s not all happening again today but there is a sharp focus .        
  I know that you and Virginia  will be facing the same in the coming weeks -  it’s horrible to be in this position but , realistically ,  we don’t have any other option .

I think that we should believe in whatever gives us some comfort  to be able to cope with this life and what  we  imagine will happen after we die - being with our loved ones again.        Right now I haven’t  got anything to help but tomorrow I’ll  try again.  Love Roz x

[NiquesMom]

Roz, hugging you from afar, the angel dates are so incredibly hard, I know it's never an easy time for the hard dates but having them at the holidays seems extra unfair sometimes 

Carol, hugging you from afar, I am tucking in and trying to muddle through. Its been so long since a visit from my daughter. Sometimes it feels like my time with her didn't happen, maybe it was all a dream. Maybe I will wake up and this has been just one long detailed bad dream.

Hugs to all (which is funny because I don't like to touch people and rarely hug anyone besides Kyle now), cope anyway we can until we come out on the other side

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz,

My thoughts, hugs and love are with you.  Every day is painful but the day the nightmare began brings a pain of its own.

Hugs and love,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

9 hours ago, Changed said:

Carol,  Today is seven years since David died.    The immediate lead up to this day has been very painful but today is just miserable and dulled - I know it’s not all happening again today but there is a sharp focus .        
  I know that you and Virginia  will be facing the same in the coming weeks -  it’s horrible to be in this position but , realistically ,  we don’t have any other option .

I think that we should believe in whatever gives us some comfort  to be able to cope with this life and what  we  imagine will happen after we die - being with our loved ones again.        Right now I haven’t  got anything to help but tomorrow I’ll  try again.  Love Roz x

Roz, the dates on our calendars are painful reminders of what we have lost and are proof our deep love for our children.  Sending hugs. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Carol

I am sorry that you are in the dark place that never goes away.    Mine has become my constant companion.

Being reunited with Mason is not a fantasy.   I do believe that from the bottom of my broken soul.   The love we share connects us across this unwanted divide.     I have seen and heard too many things to not believe that as truth.   Do I know how things work, no...  and I make no such claim only that I know I will see my Garrett again as you will see Mason.   I hope you have been able to climb from the darkness.... as much climbing and clawing as I do,  you would think I'd be in better shape.  

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

Just checking in,  not much activity.  Michael, haven't heard from you in a bit. Hope you and your family are well. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

hi carol , im sorry . i have been reading just have not been able to stop and write something. 

we are all ok. thanks for asking ....well , to be honest most everybody has been quiet. 

[NiquesMom]

I agree, it is so quiet on here. 

I worry about all of us, how we are making it thru.

My son had a rough day yesterday, telling me how much his life sucks. I told him sometimes my life makes me sad too. He looked at me and said "when? I don't see it.". Maybe I have gotten too good at keeping my pain to myself.

I just figure no one wants to hear, again and again, how much I miss my husband and daughter. At least here I know that you aren't annoyed that I am still sad.

In two weeks, I mark 6 years since nique died. Seems impossible. I can still feel her hug when she got off the plane to join us in Denver. Oh, how I miss her! So stubborn , so determined, such a force. I wonder what she would have become, who she would be today. 

Hugs to all!

[Michael Rodriguez]

hi virginia, yes we are good at hiding how we really feel. yesterday, i spent some time thinking of what B would be doing this year. what could have happoen this last 2 and a half years. would he have married ? kids? so many questions with no answers. 

answers that we will never get . just look at his pictures and wonder.

[Changed]

Virginia,  I’ve been sat thinking what I could say to bring you some comfort - there is not a lot - just that we love you and care that you are suffering extra hard right now. 
Like you , I feel that I repeat myself when I speak of my sadness but there it is and I’m sure it echos the thoughts and feelings of everyone else.

The old me was a very happy outgoing person .    I’d party with the best of them but for these last seven years , since David died,   I have been  unfamiliarly  flat .    I can still relate a funny tale from my past life  ( there’s plenty)  but it sounds as if I’m speaking of someone else .  I think that it takes a lot of time to adjust and to experience happiness when it shows itself without guilt.

You and Carol will be organising and caught up in all the Christmas celebrations at exactly the same time that worse date of your lives repeats itself.    How cruel.   Keeping up a front for everyone else’s sake  whilst you both grapple with your misery .     I feel for you both.  Love Roz x

 

 

[Changed]

Dear Carol,  how is the new job going ?     I hope they are pleasant colleagues and that it can grow into a rewarding way to earn a crust.

Having kids around at Christmas is how it should be - so I hope that you and Virginia can find your moments of pure joy .   I know it’s bad right now - especially when the shops and telly are charged up on family happiness.   Stay strong.   Love , Roz x 

[Changed]

Michael,   No harm in wondering or imagining what could have been .   
Is this a busy time of year for your business or do the seasons make no difference ? 
  I hope that your wife is continuing to do well - it must have been a shocking experience on top of everything else.

What will you do for Christmas - at home or travelling?     I’ll be here and my daughter and her husband will join us for a week or so - relaxed and indulgent is the plan.   I’ve just started taking it seriously today and did a bit of food shopping.     The anniversary of David’s death really knocked me for six this year and it’s only been this week that I’ve started to pick up. 
Take care,   love Roz

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

thanks roz , we are year long business , it never slows down for us ....we had a very rainy season and that hurts our supply of raw material so we are behind schedule. 

nereida is doing fine and she played a dirty trick on me , she had her implants done yesterday and took advantage of getting a face lift with out we knowing about it. none of it is covered by insurance , so i just paid what she told me too pay and every body at the clinic was just waiting on me to show up and see the surprise. i told her that it was ok .......but she is in pain today , so i was teasing her that was because she lied to me ......

we are spending christmas here, she will go up to nikki's as soon as she feels up to it , and i will try to follow her . 

i have to be in north carolina on jan 15 so i might try to make it to portland for a few days

[Changed]

Jackie, dear Jackie,  are you finding any peace ?    
 I sometimes watch live YouTube’s of bird feeding stations  from around the world - there are loads of them  - have you ever  seen them?    Such beauty in this world even though we feel as we do.

It’s getting cold here ( and I’m in the mildest part of the country).      Does it get harsh where you are?     I hope that you are keeping your head above water and finding a way to survive all this hurt whilst keeping Garrett close .    Are you finding any crafting projects to be calming ?
Try HayDay - it’s free and relieves stress.     You could have a farm for you and one for your daughter to play together - when you are at the level you can join neighbourhoods then joint mine!      We are just a few women  - uk, Australia, Bali, USA - a nice group .  Not intense or demanding - I find that I switch off when I’m doing it and it doesn’t cost me a bean .  You can spend but I don’t need to as I treat it lightly.   Come join me.   They don’t know anything about my loss btw.   Love Roz x

[Changed]

Oh Michael ,  that is so funny - she certainly had it all going on - good for her.    Roz

[Jacqueline3]

My Dearest Roz,

I am holding on, but this time of year, while it used to be my favorite (I had so much fun with the children), now it is just a nightmare and I cannot wait for it to be over.   I have not decorated or put up my tree in three years, ever since my Garrett was taken.  He anchored my tree the last year I put it up so it would not fall.  (Petey, my dog, is a bull in a china shop).   It feels disloyal to me to celebrate without Garrett.  I know that is not the case but I just can't.  I am still climbing my mental stairs yet the bloody tears of my heart still fall in buckets.  Garrett would be 25 in January.   I hate this life Roz and I don't want to live it.   I want my boy and my family together.   I have cried every day for the last 28 months many times to the point of sobbing uncontrollably.   My mother can still be unknowingly cruel... she reprimanded me (I am 62 years old) and told me I had no right to be angry or sad and cry every day.    I needed to stop and get on with life.   The simple truth is Roz, I don't want this life, some days I just want to quit but I don't.   I cannot leave my girls, Joe and Petey but I don't want to live like this.

The precious birds are still plentiful and I feed them every day while trying to keep the deer and squirrels and one little female skunk out of the food.   She and I have bumped into one another on several occasions.  While I back away from her, she is quite unfazed by me, just continues about her business.   I have seen the bird videos and I enjoy them.   I like to see birds we do no have here in Pennsylvania.   I have encountered 121 different birds at my feeders.  I have been keeping a list.  I have a program on my phone that identifies their sounds.  It is interesting the different kinds that come although there are the ones that come every day and I enjoy their visits.   Several of the regular visitors are getting used to me and will sit a branch or two above my head and chatter while I fill the feeders.  That does made me smile.   I have been painting often and trying many different techniques and styles.  I can find some comfort for a little while when I am working with paint.

It can get cold here.  We had snow this morning which I find depressing.  It has finally stopped.  I will check out the game you suggested.  I have a matching tile game and a bird matching one on my phone.  It helps sometimes.   I know the feeling of being flat and lifeless... the joy has been stripped from everything.  I think of you often and wonder how you are doing.   Of late I have been just miserable ( like that isn't the state I am always in) and have not posted much because everything I say is so despairing and hopeless.  I miss my baby boy,  his laughter and his big heart .

Love and hugs,

Jackie

Hello to all.... I think of everyone so often and hope you are finding some form of comfort through this holiday season.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Jackie since I have gone back to the office 3 days a week I miss my birds. When I have been home I have seen blue jays and cardinals.  The color is a pleasant surprise in the winter with the leaves off the trees. 

It is a busy time,  this is Maddie's final week of college. She moves out of her dorm on Friday.  We will help as she always says she isn't going to have a lot of stuff but it adds up.  She has a mini fridge, microwave,  coffee pot plus all her clothes,  shoes and health and beauty.  I am tired just thinking about it. 

This coming  Sunday will be the 6th anniversary of Mason's death.  It is hard to type that much less think about it. 

Michael,  you have to tell us about your wife's face-lift. I look at myself and can't believe the wrinkles I have now.  Most of my life I have looked younger than my age but grief has certainly changed that for me.

[Changed]

Carol , yes, the sadness and constant distressing thoughts are etched on my face too.  
 I was aware of the date approaching and how you will be feeling.     Lots of ordinary life going on around you which will need your attention - thinking about you.

We have had an awful, unwelcome medical event to take our lives over.  My daughter’s husband fell down some stairs on Saturday night and broke his neck !      We understand that he has avoided damage to his spinal cord  .    He has been in surgery this afternoon to have a repair - no news yet.    Hopefully , he will have a good recovery as he is an active sort, fit as a flea.  He’s just been climbing Everest  and he’s  had 60 successful parachute jumps  but the stairs got him ! Anyway ,  this all means they won’t be coming to us for Christmas and our going to them would be awkward with his recovery .   Fingers crossed he will be ok but it’s been a terribly worrying time for my daughter .   
love Roz x