Loss of an Adult Child

[Michael Rodriguez]

carol, she is all black and blue , a lot of pain so i can not tell you if it is worth it yet. although i am a couple years older than she is , i think i have aged more gracefully and i think that why the tuck here and there.

roz i am sorry about your son in law , keep us posted. i hope surgery goes well.

[NiquesMom]

Carol, I hug you as the day creeps closer. It seems impossible that 6 years have passed, so fast and slow at the same time. I hope Maddie coming home helps you, such a good mom to know she will need help !

Roz, I am glad to hear he didn't have spinal damage but oh, how scary for all of you! Hard to be so far away and not able to help! I hope he recovers quickly, cannot believe the stairs took him out!

Michael, I hope your wife heals soon and is pleased with the changes. I stare at the reflection in the mirror and do not always recognize myself. I know there are things I could do to look younger, but I feel old so my outside matches my inside right now.

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, please keep us updated on the surgery and recovery.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Carol,

I am thinking of you as your sorrowful date approaches.   I am sorry you have not had as much time with your birds.  Every now and then I will take a picture of some of the birds.  I have gotten several really good ones.   I have put a few on my phone so when I am not close I can pull the image up and think of Garrett sending these little creatures, especially  the red bellied woodpecker, who was always Garrett's favorite.   I also always looked young for my age but like you this tragedy  has etched the pain and sorrow into my face and a spattering of gray is now an entire head full.     I am thinking of you.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

Dearest Roz,

How horrible, it is a miracle he did not snap his spine.   I am thinking of your son-in-law and your daughter as well as you and your husband.   I am hoping all goes well.   Wishing you all the best of news from the surgery.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Changed]

Dear Carol and Virginia  ,    I know how you will both be feeling  - it’s a heavy time .   The lead up to your horrible anniversaries can overshadow  all else no matter how much we try  to be present.

My son-in-law has had successful  surgery and bone graft  for his broken neck .   He is mobile and wearing a collar but  should recover well.       Now my daughter can relax  .

love Roz x

[Michael Rodriguez]

2 hours ago, Changed said:

Dear Carol and Virginia  ,    I know how you will both be feeling  - it’s a heavy time .   The lead up to your horrible anniversaries can overshadow  all else no matter how much we try  to be present.

My son-in-law has had successful  surgery and bone graft  for his broken neck .   He is mobile and wearing a collar but  should recover well.       Now my daughter can relax  .

love Roz x

roz, glad to hear all went well. my best wishes

[NiquesMom]

Roz, so glad to hear some good news, we all need it

We are having a rough time, Kyle told me last night he wishes he wasn't here anymore. I told him we are going to look for a therapist after the holidays, which made him mad. I told him my job is to protect him, and he is having some really big feelings and some of those are scary, and even though those feelings can be normal I need help to help him. 

I would love to be able to say he is just sad and he will be fine, but I cannot take that chance. 

When my daughter was threatening self harm, I had to put her in the hospital for 10 days. She came.out on all kinds of meds. I feel like I failed her and I need to do better for him.

I am so sad and tired. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Carol and Virginia,   I am thinking of you both and wishing I had words to make this time even for a second easier.

Dearest Roz, I am so glad to hear the good news... tell him no Mount Everest for a long time.

I am thinking of everyone and hoping you can find some semblance of comfort for even just a short while. 

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Changed]

Virginia,  knowing what to do for the best for Kyle is tricky.     He has had to face a lot - how far away from you is the group activities club for kids that have lost close family members ?  Kids just like Kyle.    Could you get there , say once a month,  for him to link up with them ?   All in the same boat mentality could be easier for him to feel  happy  to share his thoughts ( a bit like here).
      All we want for our kids is for them to be safe and happy so when we see them unhappy we can feel that we are failing them  - obviously you’re not - you are doing everything in your power to put him first and put joy in his life.     He is also at that age when all sorts are going on in their heads anyway and deciding what is of real concern and what is an overreaction  can be difficult.     Is he ok at school , does he have best friends ?       Do they have a therapist/ psychologist at school who could keep an eye on him?      
You know him  and love him the best .     Past experiences with Nique  are bound to make you cautious  .   I wonder if there are any online resources that Kyle may find helpful  without having to attend anything in person  . 
 Take care of yourself, love Roz x

[Changed]

Dear Carol,  my love and kindest thoughts to you and your family on this sad Sunday.   Roz xx

[Changed]

Virginia,    how are you managing ?      No words can say how beyond sad this all is at the best of times but as you approach Thursday it goes to another level.   Thinking of you , love Roz x 

[Changed]

Jackie , where are you for Christmas?    I’m at home and since my daughter won’t be able to come it won’t be much different than any other weekend with another one joined to it.

I woke up this morning smiling at David in a dream - he was laughing at a gigantic hedgehog that was gorging on grubs !       I don’t usually remember dreams but I think that when I go back to sleep for a short while then I interrupt a dream and am more aware of it.      Carol was asking if I dream of Dave often  but  I only remember a handful over the last seven years - you’d think that it would be far more often because I’m thinking of him all the time , but no.   Love ,  Roz x
 

 

[Lisa M.]

Hello to everyone.   I've been reading but not writing.   Don's  birthday was Saturday.   He would  have been 41 yrs old.  I still struggle.   I am making dinner on Christmas day.   My oldest and dearest granddaughter  has asked me and she will help.  She watches out for me.  Part of me wishes I hadn't committed to  it.  All I do is cry.  This pain is unbearable for me.   Sometimes I feel so alone.   I think of you all so very often.  I live in Alaska and we have had 71 inches of snow since the 1st of November.   It doesn't help with the mood let me tell you.  Please know you are all in my thoughts and prayers. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Lisa,

Happy belated Birthday Don.   Garrett would be 25 on January 17.   Our children's birthdays are such difficult days as are all days however I think birthdays hold a special, icy pain.   I cry all the time too Lisa.   I give you credit for making dinner on Christmas day.   I have not done anything since my Garrett was forced to leave us.   Perhaps one day I will once again do something, perhaps not.   I do not know.  The holidays seem so unimportant now.   I am glad your granddaughter will be with you.  I will be thinking of you and hoping you find some comfort in the time you will spend with her.  I feel for you with all the snow.  Ugh, that sounds terrible and depressing.   I am in Pennsylvania and we have gotten all of 1 inch so far and for me that is too much.   We  were however pounded with rain off and on this winter.  Everything is still wet and messy, yet I will take it over the snow.   I hate the grayness and overcast skies, it mirrors how I feel inside.   I am glad to hear from you Lisa.  Thinking of you.

Dearest Roz, I will be at home and the weekend for me as well will be just another miserable weekend.    I always made ornaments for the children every year and our tree was always ornaments specifically theirs and ones they made and I made.  It was a gift we all had a hand in.  I still have all of the ornaments my children made and I made for them.   As they got older and left home I made my tree gold, pink and ivory.  it is beautiful and I loved making all the ornaments and piecing it slowly together.   Now I cannot even summon the effort to think of it.  It means so little without Garrett here to share with.   I did travel to see my younger daughter, grandson and her partner before the holidays.  I am glad I went but glad to come home.   I am glad you see David in your dreams.    I am still trying to save Garrett in my dreams if you can call them that and my mother has become a bona fide villain in my nightmares  Not a development I am happy with. but I guess understandable given all that has happened. 

I am thinking of everyone and hoping you find some comfort through this holiday season

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Roz, thank you for remembering and asking. I am just trying to forget it. Normally I try to do something special but this year Kyle has school, it's the holiday party in his class and he really wants to go. So I will be at home alone, waiting for school to end. I think I will be ok, unless someone tries to talk to me and then I might crack.

I am so happy you had a dream of Dave, and that it made you smile!

Lisa, I am glad you are seeing your granddaughter. I am spending the holidays with my brother and my husband's family. I think it will be good for my son, but probably really hard for me. But maybe good as well. Growth can be painful, and sometimes we need to hurt to heal. Maybe I don't know what I am talking about.

All that snow would make it harder I would think. We live in Florida and it's been cold for us and it makes it hard to not be able to go outside and do all the things to distract us.

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, you give me hope that Mason will visit me in my dreams. 

Lisa, sometimes it is hard to post anything.  Reading what other parents post helps, makes us feel we aren't alone in the sad journey.

Jackie,  winter is depressing to me as well it always has been just worse now.we had so many traditions,  cookie making,  a special ornament for each child.  I haven't hung any in 6 years,  I do have a tree for my girls and granddaughter.  It is hard to decorate but I want them to know how much I love them. 

Virginia,  thinking about you and if you have a breakdown tomorrow it is understandable.  I didn't leave the house on Sunday and shed tears off and on all day.

Peace and comfort to all.

[NiquesMom]

Carol, how has it been 6 years?! I just sit in disbelief sometimes. But I know Kyle needs me so I get up and keep getting on with life. But it's just not the same. Never will be. It has lost it's sparkle, and it seems like no matter what I do it always feels that way.

[Mason’s Mom]

35 minutes ago, NiquesMom said:

Carol, how has it been 6 years?! I just sit in disbelief sometimes. But I know Kyle needs me so I get up and keep getting on with life. But it's just not the same. Never will be. It has lost it's sparkle, and it seems like no matter what I do it always feels that way.

Yes 6 years and it seems impossible. It does feel like life is always a dull version of what we had. Our losses are just days apart and to be this close to Christmas just seems like a punishment. I want to have the joy of the holidays to be a part of my life again,  I know you feel the same. Sending you virtual hugs.

[NiquesMom]

[Changed]

Virginia,   Thinking of you today. Love Roz x

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia

My heart and love are with both you and Kyle today and everyday.

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

So I was doing ok. Bits of crying here and there, but overall ok. Until....we came out of the video game arcade and saw all the police lights.

The street in front was closed in both directions. Two cars in the road. As I stood there a man drive by and asked if the body was still laying there. I guess someone died?? I just started bawling. Too many similarities to nique, today of all days.

6 years ago this evening, nique was hit by two cars. It was dark and cold and she was dressed in black. They closed the road in both directions because it was a fatality. I know people stood and talked about her, and it was all too much tonight. 

I just can't tonight.

[Changed]

Oh no, Virginia,   Too cruel.   You poor thing and my thoughts to the family that will be starting on this awful road with us too.

So shocking to be caught up in it all on this anniversary  - of all days. 

Have you recovered  yourself a bit  ?    It may take some time to sort it all out in your head - this is the PTSD .

I hope  that you’ve been  able to get some rest  - have a chat to Nique about it .   Hugs to you.  Roz x

[Michael Rodriguez]

good morning to all. catching up , been rather busy. 

roz, so happy you had one of those reality dreams with dave. i only have had one truly real , i am sure i have mentioned it here, where i hug him and i feel the kevlar on his chest , grab him by the hand and tell him to come with me and he says no that he is doing ok where he is at, 

virginia, we do not need much of a trigger to send us back to real despair . and what you went thru , that i am guessing was last evening, must have felt like they were just bringing you back to that moment with nique ....i cant and i wont even try to imagine what you felt .....i am so sorry you had to witness it.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia,

I am so sorry.   I hope you are finding some ground again.  I am thinking of you.

To everyone, I am thinking of you all

Jackie

 

[Changed]

To everyone here,     Christmas won’t be what we would have liked  it to be but I hope that you can find some peace and joy  along the way.     I know the effort we will all have to make for the sake of those around us. 

My love to all our children who have gone before us and far too soon.   

Strength to you all ,    love Roz x 
 

 

[Changed]

Lisa, always nice when you pop up here.    Doing dinner with your granddaughter sounds wonderful - try to stay in the moment and enjoy the closeness .

Don’s birthday will have been poignant -  On David’s birthday I try to focus on the fact that it was good that he was born and lived and avoid the obvious ,  although the sadness is there it is not the same as the anniversary of his death  - that is nothing but miserable and demolishing.         We all have to find our own ways to manage the years we have left to face without them don’t we?
 

It sounds very wintery where you are - do you ski to get around?     I think I must have a faulty thermostat!    I don’t like it too hot or too cold yet my husband seems to adjust readily.    
Thank you for your kind wishes,    Love Roz x 

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

i know i shouldn´t.......but i wish everybody , to at least try to hace a merry x-mas!!! for us, for some reason, it has been worst than the previous ones.

[Jacqueline3]

Morning everyone,

I still cannot bring myself to say it....  it makes me ill inside, still I hope everyone can find some form of comfort today.  Michael, It is that way here, each year gets worse, a little different here and there but worse just the same.   I am thinking of everyone and sending love and hugs.

Jackie

 

[Dianas Mom]

Another heartbreaking Christmas without my daughter, Diana. Went to the family get together hoping it would be easier than last year.  Everyone was all smiles, laughing and joking and having a good time.  As with all the other gatherings since Diana passed, not one person even mentioned her name. Not her siblings, not her children, no one.  I will never again have the joy that came with the past holidays when Diana was here. What I have now are the memories of her life that I am so thankful for and will always treasure. I talk to her every day and tell her I love her and miss her.  She smiles back and says softly that she loves me and is with me and I will be okay. 

Sending my love and hopes that each of you finds some comfort and peace during the holidays.

Yvonne

[Mason’s Mom]

Last night we were at my mother in laws for a big family gathering.  It is hard because Mason and his cousins were very close.  We played games and I found myself laughing,  later as we drove home it hit so hard that I had laughed,  instant guilt. Sometimes I think it gets harder because it feels like the world moves on and for us it stopped the minute our child's heart stopped.  The world around us keeps on going and for us it seems to turn backwards. 

I hope there is some peace and comfort ahead for all of us.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Yvonne,

I did not go anywhere and the few people that texted about the holiday (All of 2) did not mention Garrett.   That is so difficult for me as well.   I do talk to him all day and I can hear him telling me he loves me and it will be okay.   Yesterday I cried all day and kept asking how the hell it was going to be okay... I was out side on my bench and a bald eagle showed up and landed opposite me.  My Garrett send me a beautiful, unexpected Christmas gift.  The most treasured one I have ever received.  We don't get bald eagles here and I sobbed even harder.   I know our children are close but it still is so very difficult.  love and hugs

Dearest Carol, laughing is now a cursed four letter word and deed.   The guilt for enjoying anything is a double edged sword.   You are so right, our world has stopped and will never again gain the journey it once promised with such joy.  I hope you did not beat yourself up to badly.  love and hugs...

I am thinking of everyone and hoping we can all find some form of comfort.   I have found some comfort in taking pictures of Garrett and my  birds, not all the time but there are times I find a distraction and comfort in that.  I carry my camera with me when I go outside now, it is like a shield.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Changed]

Yvonne, they probably didn’t say anything so that they didn’t upset you - I  make a toast early on sending our love to David and my mum  .   It allows everyone to join in and add their thoughts ( or not, if  they like to keep it private) .     It’s all so difficult.  You try for them , they try for you but you are all wounded .    I hope that you found some comfort surrounded by family but I do understand that it can feel a bit like a charade and takes a lot of energy.  Love Roz x 

[Changed]

Carol, oh the guilt.   We manage to beat ourselves up about lots of stuff.    We know how much we still grieve and always will so if ,after so many years , you find a moment of enjoyment then think how much joy that would bring to Mason .    Love Roz x

[Changed]

Jackie, what an amazing encounter.     We had a very odd Christmas too.  Just the two of us.    Like you I stopped putting up decorations when David died - I used to collect them from our travels around the world and antique shops and took ages dressing my home with them.  It was a happy hobby.    The tree was from my daughter’s  first birthday in New Zealand  ( the year before David was born)  a wimpy , white tree held together with love  and putty, I’d surround it with decorations that the children had made when they were little .  As I packed it all away for the following year I’d ponder on what the year would bring - it brought the worse thing possible - losing a child and I’ve never touched those boxes since.   I ‘m sure I never will.

It’s true that there is little to laugh about in such deep grief but it shouldn’t be a curse .   There will be moments when a bird amuses you or your granddaughter makes you happy - that’s ok  - it doesn’t mean that you miss Garrett any less .    
I hope that the love of your girls and husband can help you rest .    Kindest thoughts to you , Roz x 

l

[NiquesMom]

Jackie, love the picture of the eagle!

Lisa, how was dinner with your granddaughter?

Michael, were you able to see your daughter?

Carol, it's so unfair we feel guilty for smiling. I know our kids don't want us sad, but it's hard not to feel that sadness almost all the time.

Yvonne, no one speaks of my husband or daughter, but I will. I no longer wait for them to mention them, I think they are scared to so I always bring it up. 

Roz, were you able to chat with your grandson? 

I honestly don't know if it is harder to be by myself or surrounded by family members. Both are hard, because I miss Christopher and Nique no matter where I am or what I am doing. But Kyle loved being around his cousin yesterday, pulling gifts out and playing games with his cousin. So that was good at least.

[Lisa M.]

Dinner went better than expected.  Still sad for me but my granddaughter made it so much better.  She gets me.  I have Don's urn (adorned with red lights...his favorite)  on a shelf in my living room.  Next to him is a gnome a very good friend gave me.  My granddaughter saw it and said Merry Christmas Don and then turned to me and said..."I  see Don is celebrating  with us today".  He adored her.  I too agree this year was harder, but she helped warm my heart.  I admit, I am ready to get back to normal.  Whatever normal is these days.   Thinking of you all.    

 

 

Lisa

[Michael Rodriguez]

hi virginia , hi everybody......no, nikki did not come down for x-mas this year . nereida is planning on a date to fly in january, just waiting on some treatment that she has to get done in january. i have to be in NC on the 17th , so my plans are to fly to portland on the 14th and leave for NC on the 16th.

BTW i always bring brian up....i do not care if anybody feels weird about it or not ( and the phrase " i do not care" is not exactly what i meant) but beceause of my respect to you ladies , i did not express what i really meant.....just use your imagination!!

 

[Mason’s Mom]

I talk about Mason, I don't wait for others to mention him. I feel it's my mission to ensure he isn't forgotten and for the most part I feel it let's others know I want to talk about him. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

yesterday , i happen to go to a large department store , and a salesman comes over, greets me....and tells me he sold me a tv 3 years ago. i could not picture him , and he said i told my story of the jeep/brian tatoo !!!! so, it works...keep on talking about them

[Mason’s Mom]

On 12/27/2023 at 12:16 PM, Michael Rodriguez said:

yesterday , i happen to go to a large department store , and a salesman comes over, greets me....and tells me he sold me a tv 3 years ago. i could not picture him , and he said i told my story of the jeep/brian tatoo !!!! so, it works...keep on talking about them

I love this, you're right he remembered you and Brian.

[Jacqueline3]

Hello Everyone,

I am thinking of all of us on this New Year's Eve.  Hoping we may all find at least one small source of comfort in the coming year.   Happy New Year my Garrett, This year is for us.... Mum is still holding your hand and I am not letting go.  I love you always and forever.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

New Years is a time of reflection and for most a chance to make resolutions for a better self. For the last 6 years it is a reminder of another year without my son. I certainly hope 2024 will be a kinder year.  2023 was a rough one for my family.  I keep praying for peace and comfort for all of us. 

[Jamie S.]

My son passed away in October, and I found New Year’s Eve and Day to be depressing.  I guess that doesn’t go away.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Jamie,

It is good to hear from you again.  The holidays are so very difficult as if every other day of the year is not.   Take one minute at a time, that is the only way I have survived.  This is an ugly road none of us ever wanted to be on.   I have said many times here and I still believe it with every fiber of my being... Our children are close, they do not leave us.   I have seen and heard too too much to doubt that.   We here all know you pain and your depression and that endless pit of sorrow.  We will help you walk this road... talk, cry, scream, rage, it is all normal and to everyone this road is as unique and different as it is similar.   I am thinking of you.

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

well jamie , i lost my son a bit over 3 and a half years ago. christmas eve i watched football all day was in bed by 8:30 same on christmas day. on new years the same , my wife did not want to cook , stopped by a McD bought a couple burgers , sat down in front of the TV and watched Oppenheimer , great movie. 

so . we probably all feel the same way , christmas was brian´s favorite time of the year

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Jamie,

I hope you were able to read my message.   I know the days are so very very difficult.   I have cried every day for the last 28 months sometimes to the point of hysteria.  My heart and soul are shattered beyond repair and I miss my Garrett even more as the days, weeks and months pass.   I wonder how the hell that is even possible.   I do understand.   I hope you are doing okay... I am thinking of you. 

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

New years was quiet. Kyle and I stayed in, watching TV and playing Legos. 

He told me the next day New Year's Day didn't feel any different. I told him most days feel the same to me anymore.

Went back to work today, and I think it helped. While I like having the time off, the routine of work is really good for me. 

Jaime, I am 6 years in, and I feel depressed most days. There is a hole in my heart that will never heal, and I have just become used to the constant ache. I don't know that it will ever go away. I am sorry you are hurting too.

[Jamie S.]

Thanks for your replies.  I will be going to a Compassionate Friends meeting on Thursday.  I find that to be helpful.  I try to do things that help me cope with feelings of grief.

[NiquesMom]

Jaime, I found compassionate friends very helpful for me too