Loss of an Adult Child

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael,   Thinking of you Nereida tomorrow.   We are with you.

Dearest Melissa's Dad,  We all cope in different ways yet the loss and the pain is always there waiting, sometimes it grabs us unaware.  I am 23 months from the day my life was shattered and I lost my Garrett.   I still cry everyday and at times I can scream my son's name with all the agony I feel.   The loss and pain is part of us now as we morph and grow the pain and agony does as well, not always in a good way.   I believe within my heart that our children are close... trying to help us.   Please try not to let the grief and pain build up too much before acknowledging it.     Mine can take me down quicker than a stampeding elephant.  

Virginia, I did read Sinead O'Connor passed and I could relate to her heartfelt, broken message.

Yvonne, I hope the butterflies have perhaps been a comfort for you.

Been thinking of everyone.

Love,

Jackie

[Dianas Mom]

Dear Michael---We will be thinking of you and be with you and nereida tomorrow. Brian will be there in spirit as well. The surgery will be successful and a sigh of relief when it's over. 

Yvonne

[Jacqueline3]

Good luck today Michael.   We are thinking of you all.

Love to all,

Jackie

[Changed]

How are you Jackie ?   You have no idea how many times you cross my mind - nearly always when my  garden birds are performing.      
I’ve been decorating a bedroom and it’s taking far too long.   It hadn’t been done for years and needed a lot of prep.    Putting it all back together now and taking the opportunity to not put some bedding and towels back into the cupboards.  I have lots of duplicate, good quality , stuff  - all from the different homes I had going simultaneously   At one time I had my uk house,  plus two apartments- one in Hong Kong and one in Singapore  - all being rotated and all having to be fully equipped .     I have contacted an animal shelter and they will be happy to take the towels and I will see if I can find a charity that can use the bedding  - maybe helping a struggling family out.

When I was putting back clothes in the wardrobe I found the bundle of socks that I was taking to David on our Christmas trip to Australia - that was 2016 - Dave died on the last day of November - just before we were due to travel.     All the gifts that we had packed ready to take for him had to be unpacked  - my daughter did it for me  - she took all the uk snacks that Dave loved and had asked for to a shelter along with the other clothes we’d packed for him and anything else they could use  - but those huge socks , for some reason, I held on to.   It shocked me to see them again as I hadn’t seen them for years - I sobbed.  It felt so gutting - the reality of it all.  I recovered quite quickly  and just carried on.    I have his jacket hanging up still and I give it a cuddle.  I see his moccasin sleepers next to his gran’s poking out under a hamper  .   All of these things I am used to and they are familiar but the socks surprised and upset me.   A different kind of crying - I haven’t sobbed like that for a while  - it’s usually softer tears these days.

I hope Michaels wife is recovered quickly - it will be a tough time for them all .

Thinking of you, Roz x

 

[Changed]

Carol,  what did you decide about the job ?      I hope that you’re ok with whichever way you went. 

Sometimes we just crave an uneventful period.  When my daughter phones she asks what I’ve been up to and I’m content if I can say ‘ not a lot’ .    I don’t want trouble,   I don’t want worry,   I don’t think that I even want excitement,  I just want a steady path.     Not realistic, I know,  but  I’m a lot less robust and able these days.      We are  already living our worse nightmare after all and it leaves us scarred.  

It’s gone 9 pm here so I think I’ll watch some tv and have a cuppa.     Bye love, Roz

[Michael Rodriguez]

all you guys surgery postponed until next wednesday. plastic surgeon had an emergency and oncologist has a seminar and wont be back till teusday 

[Changed]

Oh Michael, that is such an anti climax for you all but not that unusual.     It takes a lot of energy preparing for surgery  too.     Roz x

[Mason’s Mom]

Michael, any updates on your wife?

[Jacqueline3]

Oh Michael, I am so sorry.   it is difficult enough but when things get pushed around....  How are you and Nereida doing?

Dearest Roz,

Little things like Davids socks can really do a number on us.... How are you now?   I havent been great.   I had a major melt down again yesterday.  In the last month, I can count 4 not counting yesterday.   I don't know if it is that I am almost at 24 months or that missing Garrett is just so unbearable or both...   Some days I can hardly function.  I need to get another job, I am looking now... yet the idea of being around so many people gives me hives.   My Mum has been trying but there is a lot of hurt there and anger that I have to get through.  she was appalled that I felt abandoned by the family.... How could I feel that way.   Gee Mum, How could I not?   I don't know I am tired Roz, so much ugliness, so much pain.   I still wonder how one can feel so dead and empty inside and still writhe in agony all the time... 

I am thinking of everyone.   Going out to feed Garrett and my birds.... and kick a little squirrels athletic bum...

Love,

Jackie

[Changed]

Jackie - now your mum has lost a son too I thought that may bring her closer to understanding but the fact that she is trying may be the most your going to get for now.  
Are you seeing any change in your grief from , say, a year ago ?    Or is it  about the same or worse ?     
I’m so sorry for you -   your husband and girls must feel so helpless.   I know that my daughter misses the old me - it’s a double loss for her.    
  You cannot force something but have you found anything at all that can help soothe you when it gets as bad  as you have described.    Is mindfulness any help at all?     

Thanks for asking about me.   I feel so sad and full of yearning for David - he is forever in my thoughts.   
keep going  and embrace any moments of peace that you get.  Roz x
 

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz,  several months ago I would have said it was slightly better but of late I feel like I can find no room to breathe.   I used to hug Garrett's jackets and I'd sit with the birds... for a few moments I find a breath of ease, Now it is just sobbing misery.   My eldest tells me she misses me but she understands and she hugs me.   My husband and middle daughter say nothing.   They are both avoidance people.  Jolene and Garrett are like their mother, if there is a problem or need, we are in the middle of it.    Jolene has been handed the entire mess of her mother to deal with and she has her own health and emotional hurdles to face.    I feel so dead inside yet it whirls around with gut wrenching pain and longing.   I have checked therapists and such with no success.  I am at a loss Roz, with no idea how to help myself.  I know you miss David, I can hear it in every word.   it is a hard realization that we get no "do overs" and our lives are now mingled with unrelenting pain and wishes for a different path with all of our children in tow.

I cry and I cry yet more,

Love to all and wishes for comfort,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Hello all,

We are at the beach for the week with my sister in law. She has psychic abilities and it was so nice for her to tell Kyle his dad visits him in his sleep. Kyle never remembers it, but she said he was giggling in his sleep and saying "stop dad!"

Michael, I am sorry they postponed the surgery. I try to believe that happens because it was not the right time for the surgery. Doesn't make it easier but it gives me a reason to try to be patient.

Jackie, I have been watching the lines of pelicans flying over the water and it made me think of you.

I hope you all have some peace this week

[Changed]

Virginia, sounds as if it is all just what you need.   I hope you come back refreshed and with lots of new talking points between you and Kyle   Roz x

[Michael Rodriguez]

good morning, now nereida's operation is scheduled for tomorrow at 1:00 pm our time ( which is Mountain time in the states ) ...we had a very relaxed weekend , so just hoping for the best....ill keep you posted

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael.   Thanks for the update.  I will be thinking of you and Nereida both.

[NiquesMom]

Good luck Michael 

[Michael Rodriguez]

good morning tom all , thanks for all your good wishes toward nereida....let me tell you that as far as the medical staff is concerned , the surgery was a total success .....naturally , it will be months of recovery ...-.but she should be released from the hospital tomorrow.

again , thanks for all your good wishes !!!!

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael, that is wonderful news!   Both you and Nereida relax now as much as you can... that is never an easy task but the surgery is one huge obstacle that is now behind you.

Love to all,

Thinking of everyone,

Jackie

[Changed]

Yes Michael , just what Jackie said.     You have both been through such a lot.   Best wishes to you both, love Roz x 

[Michael Rodriguez]

thanks guys !!!!ill relate your message

 

[NiquesMom]

My sister in law gave me messages from both nique and Christopher while she was here. It helped to receive some clarification on why things happened the way they did.

There one thing she said that I think a lot of us can relate to had to do with guilt. Nique was telling her I need to let go of the guilt I feel what happened before she died. And then she says "but she probably won't because my mom is stubborn!"  I laughed through my tears because she is right. There are so many things I wish I could have changed, and in my down moments I will tell nique how sorry I am for the choices I made and the flaws I have.

I know she is right, and she can see everything from where she is, and I will continue to live each day for both of them

[Dianas Mom]

Dear Michael, The news that the surgery is over and was successful is wonderful!!! Now you both can take a deep breath of relief and Nereida can recover knowing all went well. 

I think of you all every day and hope for the best for you. Sending hugs.

Yvonne

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

18 hours ago, Dianas Mom said:

Dear Michael, The news that the surgery is over and was successful is wonderful!!! Now you both can take a deep breath of relief and Nereida can recover knowing all went well. 

I think of you all every day and hope for the best for you. Sending hugs.

Yvonne

 

thanks yvonne, i just dropped her off at home ....a lot of pain ...but su gfar so good !!!!

[Mason’s Mom]

Just read a quote that is so true  "I loved your whole life and I will miss you the rest of mine". My little Magnolia will be 2 years old tomorrow.  Her birthday party was today at a local park with a splash pad. While the little ones were playing  an ambulance pulled into a parking lot and soon a helicopter landed in  the Soccer field.  In our rural area it is common for an ambulance to meet a helicopter to transport patients to larger cities for care. I was trying to be in the moment and find some joy in the day. The ambulance and helicopter took me right back to the day we lost Mason.  That day the lights were not on for the ambulance and the call for the helicopter was canceled.  It was to late for my boy. As hard as we try there is just no escape from the pain and memories that come out of nowhere. I miss my son.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Carol,

No truer words have ever been said.  The horror, memories and loss are always ready to slap us back to our unwanted reality.   I am sorry your time with Magnolia was  not  as happy as it might have been.    I know you miss Mason.  I miss Garrett too, every second of every hellish day.   My thoughts are with you.  

How are your birds?   I have a family of three ground hogs that have dug a hole right up into the center of my bird area.   They have tickled me.... not an easy feat these days.   

Love to all,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

Carol, what you just wrote about your experience tore me up to pieces, im sorry you had to re-live it and in that manner .....and that quote is so true !!!!!

[Dianas Mom]

Dear Carol,  

Yes---that quote is only too true. There are so many triggers we can't foresee that cause us to relive events around the time of our loss and they hit with a vengeance.  

I'm trying to integrate the loss of Diana into my life and get to the point where I can "carry it".  How is it that even possible? It's too heavy, too unbearable, too much to ask of myself.  I don't know how to get through the minutes of each endless day without her. Missing her, wanting her to be here. 

I talk to her every day and she tells me "You'll be okay Mom" and "You can make it Mom". I'll never be okay. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

How I wish I could give every parent here answers to find comfort and take away the pain we are all burdened with.

Yvonne

 

 

[Jacqueline3]

Morning everyone,

It will be 2 years for Garrett and I the end of this month on the 30th.    I have been an inconsolable mess.  I am back to screaming at the heavens and crying until I cannot breath even though I have not had a day in two years that I have not cried.   I barely make it through the days.  I also have to force myself from the bed in the morning.   I have tried something recently, it has only been two weeks and I have no guesses at its longevity in helping.  It isn't perfect but so far it has helped better than anything else at making the hysteria and despondency a little manageable so I do get out of bed.   It will probably sound stupid but  maybe it will help someone else...

I have imagined an endless length of blanket, the warmest, softest I can think of.   One side purple (Garrett's favorite color) and the other half green (my favorite color).   I fold this endless soft blanket in the middle, with the purple on top and the green on the bottom.     This grief for me is a living breathing entity that controls my life yet it is so much a part of me because it is born from the love I have for my blessed son.    It is an unwanted, painful part of my heart and soul.   So what I have been doing is taking a small piece of this agony, rage when it it overwhelming and talking to it, soothing it and I place it in the blanket between the love Garrett and I share.   It my mind it writhes and screams as I do but I pet it like a rabid dog and it settles.  Then I slip stitch the area closed as it settles down and I tell the pain it is embraced with love and it is safe and Garrett and I will care for it.    I imagine it snuggling down with its other small pieces...   I chose an endless blanket because I know my grief will never end but it is an effort to soothe that pain with the love Garrett and I share...  and I can feel my boy with me adding his own soothing touch to both of our pain. 

I know it sounds stupid and hopefully not offensive but it has helped more than anything else I have tried.  It is a work in progress.    I also have Garrett and my birds...    I feel a little uncomfortable sharing but I know how miserable these hellish days and nights are for me and thought maybe it could help someone else.... I'd take a chance and sound stupid.

love to all,

Jackie

[Changed]

MICHAEL,      how is your wife feeling ? I hope that she is doing well .   It must feel a relief to have last week behind you. 

JACKIE,      Nothing wrong with finding thoughts or images to calm you , in fact,  it is very positive.  Folding your cosy blanket is hurting no one and the more you can visualise that and it offer some calm  then  it will become a coping tool at times of greater stress. 
I have a true story for you to make you smile.   Right back when my kids were at school ,  it was a very cold , icy winter in England and I took my spaniel out for a walk in the rough park.  She squatted to make her delivery but before I could arrive with the poo bag a hungry crow swooped down and collected the steaming turd !    As I looked up  there was the incredible sight of the crow flying  along  - with a smoking  cigar out of the side of his beak  .   On cold days I often think of that crow and how much nourishment he got from that hot poo. - it was a bizarre scene    
 

YVONNE,      working towards the time where you can exist along side your grief  will come.    Losing a child is so  beyond anyone’s  imagination of just how devastating it is   - it is so all encompassing .      The fact that you know Diana is cheering you on is lovely  and , of course,  you will carry her with you throughout your life.    Grieving is certainly exhausting  - on all levels .     Keep going , moment by moment.

CAROL,     Wow, Magnolia is two today !  - happy birthday sweet girl.     What a shame about your gathering  - I understand that feeling of being transported back , it’s horrible.  ( do you know who needed the air lift ?).     Each time something like that jerks you back to those awful moments then I think that we get more resilient to future shocks.     Did you sort out your job situation to your satisfaction ?  

VIRGINIA,      Something to think about when you are on your European holiday - double check when you book your double room with twin beds and en-suite  that the en-suite has privacy.   Strange to say , we have found them with just glazing !   leaving you fully exposed .    It’s very popular in Asia too - ‘modern’  don’t you know.    If they are told  that  it’s you and your son then they will understand.     Too funny to think that  everyone wants to be watched  in the loo and shower.

I am still having difficulty getting on this site - Norton gets very excited every time I go near it - all red warnings and alarms - I have to get it to ‘stand down’  so I can enter.     Along with  all that fuss I’ve been feeling that I have been on this site for long enough - I’m thinking that those here who more recently  lost their child can offer the newly bereaved a closer connection.  
    I care about and have a  friendship with many here so I will keep  hovering so that we can keep in touch but maybe not be quite so involved generally.      Love to you all,  Roz ( and David ) xx. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

pain is horrible ,we spent the day yesterday watching tv just the 2 of us  , saw the second part of season 2 of the lincoln lawyer , a couple of movies....chineese for lunch , cuban for dinner .

but i can see how much pain she is dealing with ....biopsy came out great ....no metastasis on her lymph nodes...all clean ....and they sent 24 samples instead of the normal 10 that they usually do....none of them were compromised ....so we are ecstatic about it.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael,  Wonderful news on the biopsy!

Dearest Roz, you did make me laugh, a rare thing these days..... I have an icy one I'll send back.   It was the middle of winter and snow on the ground, deep enough to cover half my feet.   It was toward evening and I was cleaning up Petey's messes from the day, with and small shovel and a hand held rake to scoot the presents on to their ride away.    We usually toss them into the open forested area we have around us....  There is no where in Pennsylvania without hills.   So I'm trucking down the hill headed for our usual drop sight and up went my feet, there was ice underneath... Shovel is flying in one direction the rake another and poo is going everywhere (yes some landed on me) while I slide ungracefully on my bum and back down the hill.   I could see Joe and Garrett standing by the glass window of the livingroom  watching the entire scenario.  Joe came out trying not to laugh, while my Garrett was laughing so hard, a sound I could hear clear outside,that he wound up on the floor.    Every time I pick up poo in the snow I think of that night... However now I shovel myself a nice path first.

Hope everyone is doing well.   I am not doing great, it will be two years in a few short days.... How the hell is that possible.    I have cried every day for two years and I don't see it stopping any time soon.   I don't even remember how to be happy.    That ability died the day I lost my Garrett...

Love to all,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Morning to all,

I told the method I have been trying with the blanket and I felt silly then and now for sharing.   But the reason is simple.   I heard a saying many years ago.   "If life doesn't fit, make alterations."   My life no longer fits in any way shape or form.   It is something I told my children as they grew up.   I am applying that reasoning now, sometimes awkwardly, sometimes less awkwardly.... I am working to make alterations with Garrett included in those changes.   I will not live this life without my son, so my alterations include him in every way as they always have.    Just wanted to say that, it has been on my mind.   I have three children and that will not change.   (Can you tell I have had contact with family members again telling me what I am doing wrong.?)    I will make my alterations as I see fit, ones that include all three of my children.

Love to all,

Jackie

[Dianas Mom]

Dear Jackie,  I'm impressed with your endless blanket method of dealing with the agony of your grief! I visualized the steps and can see how beneficial it is for you. We need to use whatever works and is helpful.

Dear Michael, Hoping your wife's pain will subside and begin to feel better soon.

Dear Roz, I always look forward to your posts, your words have touched me deeply and given me comfort at moments when I just wanted to give up.  I know you yearn for David and feel the sorrow in your heart for his absence.  Thank you for being here.

Love to all, Yvonne

 

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Jackie, thanks for sharing your blanket with us. Don't be embarrassed, maybe your words will help others. My birds have not been as active this summer, it has been a nice summer with enough rain to keep every green and blooming, I think they are finding food elsewhere.

Roz, I didn't find out who was airlifted. I tried to tell myself if they were airlifted that was a good sign and hope they survived.

Yvonne, I talk to Mason and I feel the same he tells me that I need to live and tells me have faith.

Michael, good news on the biopsy results. Hope the pain is getting better. How is Nikki?

[Michael Rodriguez]

well good morning....nikki, not pregnant she will be here on the 29th. nereida still in pain but has decided to take on the pain and avoid drugs.

[daveydow1]

Roz,....l, too, am hovering now & then...after 20 yrs. I do remember you and some of the others here, while new people have come. We have sons lost with the same name,.... David. Mabe you don't remember me, but thats ok..l don't post often, and feel as though maybe its time for me to move on and let new people come on and find solace with others who are more recently here. Peace and blessings to each and every one on this journey.🙏🙏

 

 

[Lisa M.]

Roz,  Please don't go.  

 

Michael,  I am so glad your wife's biopsy was good.  My prayers are with you both. 

 

My daughter was here for 4 days.   We packed so much into those 4 days.  I so enjoyed her.  Since losing Donald,  our relationship has changed.   For the better.  When she left, I was a wreck.  Miss her terribly.  

I have everyone here in my thoughts and prayers.   I read everyday.   You are all a big part of my life.

 

Love to all.

[Changed]

Boo!  Lisa,  you made me jump - I was just reading Sherry’s post when you wrote.

So lovely to have your daughter stay and that you enjoyed it - rotten when they leave but that is  normal stuff.   My girl is always on the go - work, friends , exercise, studying, travelling , her marriage and her folks ( that’s me and her  dad  btw)   That is really full on and  I’d love her to live , at a slower pace ,  nearby me and to see her everyday - but we are three hours car ride apart and that’s not how she’s made -  so we make the best of what we’ve got.      I did think of moving closer to her but I still think that she would be mega busy and I’d be ‘landed ‘ on her and that it could be a mistake. 
 

Always nice to hear from you  -   Take care , love Roz x   

 

[Changed]

Dear Sherry, of course I remember you.   I read your posts for ages after my  David died but before I felt able to join in.    Your David’s face is familiar to me from those days .

I started writing just as the original members were leaving the site following all the changes that , understandably ,  disturbed them .

Like an old friend ,  it’s comforting hearing from you from time to time,   Love Roz x

[Michael Rodriguez]

On 8/9/2023 at 1:10 PM, daveydow1 said:

Roz,....l, too, am hovering now & then...after 20 yrs. I do remember you and some of the others here, while new people have come. We have sons lost with the same name,.... David. Mabe you don't remember me, but thats ok..l don't post often, and feel as though maybe its time for me to move on and let new people come on and find solace with others who are more recently here. Peace and blessings to each and every one on this journey.🙏🙏

 

 

i do remember you, i started reading your posts back when i first joined ....ever so often you would say the right words to us newbies ....... i guess we will all move on . i am just afraid that the day i move on from here will be the day that i am no longer in pain for the loss of my son ..,,,,because it is here, around everybody that is hurting as much as i am and know the pain as well  as i do ....is that i find some strength and fortitude to keep on going

thanks lisa !!!!!

[daveydow1]

Michael,  thank you for your kind words. Was so glad to hear that your wife's biopsy turned out well.

Roz, thanks for your post. Yes,

the time goes by.....and on this

journey, it is gratifying to have a place like this site to share the load with those who truly understand.  💜

 

[Dianas Mom]

I'm finally completely drained and exhausted by the emotional and physical pain of losing my daughter Diana.  Have worked as long and hard on the grief as is possible. The unbearable loss of Diana just gets more unbearable with each moment, each day. Not even a glimmer of hope left. The many "tools" I've used to help are just not sharp enough to cut through the despair. Just giving up, there's no way out of this dark tunnel.

Yvonne

[Changed]

Dear Yvonne,   That feeling of everything being too much is understandable.     I’ve   never had therapy  or  lessons on coping with grief - it took me where it wanted to and has shifted and changed over the years.    
Any coping tools that I have used have come from my own understanding of myself and how I usually  tick -  since I have never had such depths of despair  or such a catastrophic  event in my life then I have reacted to it all as it came.        As I recognised the worse triggers I’d try to find a way to manage them that could help me but that aching sadness of wanting my child to still be alive and none of this nightmare to be true  was there , is there  - raw and brutal.       
Our minds will go over and over our loss and throw up all the emotions we know so well.     Some people are thought to suffer complicated grief  and this calls for professional help - there are a lot of studies around this but I suspect that with the loss of a child one would expect an enormous impact on our grieving behaviour . 
I believe that there is a lot of guilt to come to terms with  - in all directions.    I still feel guilt ( coming up seven years since David died)  if I feel pleasure in anything but animals ,  children  or nature.   I’m trying to rationalise that .      I’m much ‘quieter’ with my grief these days but the undercurrent is still  aching - I will always love and miss my son for ever and ever but that is for me to know and feel  - I suppose that is what they call acceptance.   Until a couple of years ago I could be overcome with a feeling of shock that it is all for real - I could have vomited  with that shock - but that has faded away now.

I’ve said far more than I intended  but could have gone on longer - sorry I’m trying not to be so long winded -      It may help for you to follow someone from the early posts on this site - way back - to see in a sped up fashion how they evolved whilst still grieving - it is very comforting and encouraging.      It’s good to see that the grief changing doesn’t mean that they are forgetting their child - how could they? - but rather - learning to live with it. 
I will look up a page number and name for you - no need to get too involved in the other posts unless you connect with someone .   I’ll return to tack it on the end of this message

   Peace to you,  love Roz x 

Yvonne, I think page 1 is a good place to start ( use the fast back arrows ) that is when the parents started a new thread - they would have never imagined it would still be running all this time later.   Sherry is posting there ( she was visiting us just a day or so ago ( post above - Daveydow) but I think that you may glean a lot of insight if you also care to read Dee’s posts  - Ericasmom.   She is very articulate and helpful.       I hope that you feel a little stronger  soon.  Roz x

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest  Yvonne,

Please don't give up... I know the feeling of utter despair and the desire to just quit.   I have tried therapists, books, group therapies and any other damned ridiculous thing I can think of.   Today has been one of the darkest days I have had in these hellish two years.    It will be exactly two years I lost my Garrett on the 30th of this month which is also my 62nd  birthday.    I have no answers and for me as well the pain and longing and aching have just grown stronger and more debilitating.   When this nightmare began I lived (in my mind and soul) in a straight jacket, in a locked cage in a black stone room slowly sinking into the massive black sludge beneath me.   I would throw my bound self against the cage screaming Garrett's name.   I was bloody and exhausted, exactly how I felt inside.   The black room filled my world for a very long time, that is where I lived.

One day the straight jacket was gone yet still I was in the black room, sinking into the floor in my cage.   Later the door of the cage unlocked and for a while I would wander this black ugliness outside of the cage and screamed Garrett's name over and over again.  This was how I lived for well over the first year.  Eventually I noticed the cage, a little at a time' was sinking into the pit that I was certain was supposed to be my grave.   I do believe with all my heart the changes in the ugly blackness was Garrett, trying to reach through my pain.

I still screamed and banged my head and body against anything I could until suddenly I heard Garrett very clearly.  He told me  I could not stay there and he told me to climb out of the darkness and to one side of the room I found a set of stairs... the set of metal stairs I used to climb at the factory, six steps....  He wrapped his big hand around mind and told me to climb.   I would look at my feet and count each step.. one through six... then a new set would appear, at first I could not easily step onto the next set but it got easier.   every time I would find myself falling I would find the stairs and climb... always counting and focusing on each one.    On days it was hard... Garret would climb with me.   I could never see him but I felt him and there was a purple glow. next to me. 

I still climb those damned metal stairs almost every day yet the climb is no longer in darkness, the space around me now is a light gray and for the most part, I step easily from one set to the next (not every time but I am better at it).   I know everyone is in their own place in their grief.   Mine is still an agonizing horror, that I  have to endure painfully every day, yet I remind myself this pain is born of my love for Garrett and his for me.    I climb, I use my endless blanket, I care for my birds and I still drive home from work with Garrett, even through I no longer work at the factory.   I go to the car each night at the time I drove home from work and Garrett and I talk as I make an imaginary drive home.   It is a time of day that I look forward to.  I open the sunroof of the car and we look at the stars, something Garret loved to do as a young boy.   I have no idea where I will be a year from now and I know the29th and  30th of the month will be a hellish day for me.   But I am trying to make those alterations to a world that no longer fits.   I am doing things my way and if others think Its weird or I am not doing what I should my answer is "**** off".  I have to do this my way, with all that feels right and beneficial to myself and Garrett.   Do what feels right for you and your Diana, start with where you are in the darkness and find that set of stairs, escalator, elevator, rope, hell, it can be whatever you find in your pain... ask your baby girl for help.   

IF I am overstepping, please accept my heartfelt apology.

Love,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

yvonne, we all have that same feeling .....14 years ago , we went thru a rough patch in our business...really struggling to keep it at float , i had nikki in school in the states and brian in a private school. B started working at a call center and had to put im  in a public school as most my resources were going to nikki , so she could get her degree. 

well things got better, although he did not go to college in the states , B was able to get his engineering degree from a very good local engineering university and 7 years ago , he came to work with me ......we were creating HIS business ,both of us ....worked together everyday ,i was giving him the reigns of , what for 30 years had been our livelihhod ......on april 14 2021 , everything went to hell . 

now i am back working like if iwas 23 years old and turning 60 in less than a month and what shall i do with my company? my company sells to mass merchants in the states ,europe and canada ...recession all over the place , so it becomes a buyer market .......so i know it seems it has nothing to do with your grief .....but add all up to the grief that i carry watching his pictures on my desk all day long , missing our meals together , both loving the same sports ...wake me up at 2:00 am so we could watch the british grand prix ....becoming a falcons fan although he never lived for extended times in georgia ....his sarcasm (well both are sarcastic pricks) .....

but yet ,within that darkness of grief that we live in , we have to pull it together and have faith that our lord has the perfect plan for all of us. 

just go one step at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time , what else can any of us do after all !!!!

lisa , she lost david 20 years . i can not even comprehend living this life 20 years with out B , but that is the hand that we got and we have no choice but to face it ....we all do !!

[NiquesMom]

Hi all, I have been reading but not sure I have much to say to help.

In a bit of a dark place myself. I am so sad, so utterly alone in my grief. 

I have been working on organizing my home. Rearranging items. In doing so, I went thru a box of papers that belonged to my dad (I inherited them when he died 9 years ago). Reading papers my mom wrote and I realized I cannot really remember her. I have flashes of memory but not a lot. It's been 24 years since she died. Is that going to happen with nique? I was 19 when Mom died so I was with her almost the same amount of time I was with nique. It has really put me in a depressed mood.

Yvonne, Jackie, Roz, Carol, Michael...I have no words of wisdom and I fear this is how I will be the rest of my life. The ups and the downs. This doesn't feel like a life but I keep trying for Kyle. He is the only reason I have to keep trying.

[Changed]

No,  Virginia,  your memories of Nique will never fade.   Never.     Put that worry away.   Roz x

 

[Jacqueline3]

Hello everyone,

I have been thinking all night about things that have been said... the hardest part of dealing with our pain is we want a fix that will help right away.  That fix does not exist, one that will eliminate our sorrow does not exist.   The things that we try to help us deal with the unimaginable loss of our child and the writhing agony that is now our constant companion take time and effort and all of us are short of effort and stamina.    We're fucking tired and broken.  But I do believe if we make the effort, some days are better than others (and I am in no way in control of my suffering but I am in a better position than I was two years ago.   Is it a great position?  No.)  But the efforts and things I have tried have made a difference some more than others.  If I had a dump truck it would be full of those that didn't work.    Those efforts have also brought me closer to Garrett.   I do believe our children are close wanting to help,   Of course we cannot communicate in the way we always have but I believe we have to look for  different things, different ways of speaking... those alterations we and our children have been forced to make against our will.     Again if I am stepping on beliefs or toes, I am sorry but I believe with all my shattered heart and soul the words I have just shared.   Love binds us to our children and their love to us....

Love to all,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

hello Everyone,

I hope everyone is okay.   I worry when it is too quiet.  Thinking of you all.

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Is everyone okay?   Just unusual not to hear from anyone.   Ive been a mess.  In 10 days it will be 2 years since I hugged my Garrett.   Just wondered if everyone else is holding up any better.

Jackie