Loss of an Adult Child

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz,

I have not been great.  I am coming up on two years and it has been agony.   I have had spontaneous outbursts of both pain and rage in the past two months.   I had been better at controlling those but of late it seems impossible.  I don't even feel them coming.  I am tired and weary and the need to hold Garrett close and never let go has been overwhelming.  The only true support I have had has been from my eldest, Jolene and She is still physically recovering herself.   I am beyond broken and the woman I was died the day I lost my son.   I am trying to learn to build from the ashes of my life but that is also something I have to want to do and most days, I do not.   I somehow get through the days but the pain, it just keeps pounding out a beat against my fragmented soul and I keep screaming awake and asleep for my Garrett.

Thank you for asking Roz,

Jackie

[Changed]

Jackie that is so awful for you all.   When you said about rebuilding your life but some days you don’t want to sounds so sad.    I don’t think that I’ve thought about it in that way - I’ve seem to have let the tide take me and I have slowly taken back control.   My world is very different and so is my personality since losing David and I live my life and it’s limitations around that.

The ache and hurt you feel for Garrett is the same I feel for David .   I could sit and torture myself if I went too deep - reliving the early days of losing him - it could suck me in and devour me.   I think of him all the time and how sad it is but if those thoughts get too dark I am able to steer myself away.    I think that this hurt will always be with me because David isn’t.        

Thinking of you and your pain.  Roz x 

I write more and more but then realise that I don’t have a clue about how you can , or should, find gentler days.    I could upset you with the clumsy use of words when all I want to say is - how can I help?    Roz x 
 

[NiquesMom]

Jackie, I understand the not wanting to "fix" things, to try to make it "better." It's exhausting, the way I bounce from ok to miserable. It takes a lot of effort to try and keep myself in the here and now.

Laid my head on my hands at work and silently cried between meetings today. I am tired of being tired, but I have been tired for 5 years. I am starting to accept this is just how I am, some days I am better than others. But it is always there. 

I hope you find a little peace soon

 

[Dustins Mom]

Oh sweet Jackie -  I’m so incredibly sorry. It can be so hard to find a reason and a purpose after we’ve lost our boys. Just keep your heart and your mind open and listen to what Garrett is trying to communicate to you. I have to believe he wants very badly for you to find some peace in his passing. Only then will he  be at peace too. Not sure if that makes sense but that’s what Dustin managed to communicate to me after his passing. It’s the only thing that holds me together. Sending you much peace and much love Jackie 

ANGIE 

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you everyone.   The last several months have been incredibly worse, I am not sure how that is possible.   I am coming up on 2 years, perhaps that is the reason or just simply that I miss my Garrett.   Thank you for your support, suggestions and care, it means so much...

Love,  Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

Jackie, I understand how you feel.  I think we try to put a timer on our grief.  If I can make it through a day, a week, a month and of course the year the next will be easier.  It simply doesn't work that way.  That second year you expect to be easier but I think many of us found it was so very hard.  The numbness and most of the business side of death have lessened so we are left to deal with everything we suppressed. I have learned to brace myself,  know most triggers that will send me into darkness and pull myself up.  I do this for Mason and my family. I stay busy and try to focus on the ones that are still with me.

Tomorrow is our 35th wedding anniversary.  It's a time for reflection and thinking about the good and not so good times. 

Michael,  haven't heard from you recently.  Hope you check in soon. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol 

[Changed]

Happy 35th anniversary, Carol.       Love Roz x

 

 

[NiquesMom]

Happy anniversary Carol, what an accomplishment!

[Michael Rodriguez]

happy anniversary carol !!!!!! dont worry , you are not getting rid of me that easy !!!! i was in north carolina all week long with my main customer and was only reading ....been seeing jackie struggles and also virginia .....so, i never could find words to make them feel better , decided i would write once i got back home 

i hope everybody is feeling a little better today. 

the nephew of nereida's closest friend had an aneurism  wednesday before last ....he was 22 years old , had just graduated with honors as an industrial engineer and was working at one of gildan facilities here in honduras. passed away on wed after exactly one week in ICU. 

brought me back to april 14 2021 and my struggles over the past 27 months ......i am still a newbie as i still count months and yet i know how bad those first 6 months were and how bad they are going to have it. 

they arer a very catholic family , there fore 6 kids ......nereida told me that somebody made a comment like , they still have 5 kids ......i could not believe some one could be that stupid. 

[NiquesMom]

Hi Michael, unfortunately I do believe someone could say something so stupid. People who haven't experienced this just cannot wrap their head around the devestation. We don't want them to understand and we hope they never do understand but it's sad they can be so callous and think that their statement is completely logical. Please accept my condolences for you and your family. You and nereida know all too well the painful path they are starting on. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Carol,

Happy Anniversary and thank you for your kind words..    I just wanted to clarify,  that I am not putting any type of time or framework on my pain and grief.   How could I?    I am feeling this pain and longing because I love my Garrett always and forever.   I will not ever be without my grief.   No matter how this pain morphs or changes or softens or hardens, it will be with me the rest of my life until I can be with my son again.   The pain of losing a child is intolerable and unbearable... yet it manages to reach new heights even when you think it cannot or you can endure no more suffering. 

To all of you beginning your second year, know that you can make it through but it will push you to you limits.  I am sorry I wish I had easier words.   The truth is when I held each of my babies for the first time, I knew that with the deep, ever lasting love I felt for them I had opened myself to the possibility of the greatest pain possible.   I had hoped never to have to experience that pain but here I am....   I try to remind myself that this pain is the companion of the love I hold so dear for my precious Garrett.

As for building some form of life from the ashes, I will not, as I have always said, do that without my Garrett.  WE will walk this life together, no matter that we have to do things differently now.   It is not easy and the rage I feel has been riding near the surface for several months, but I will keep moving despite taking steps backward, but I will not let go of my beloved son's hand.   We are two together forever and always.   I am hoping that we may all find our own special and unique way to walk with our child and hold them close.

I think of you all and my heart bleeds for the road we all now find ourselves walking.

Love to all,

Jackie

[Lisa M.]

Hi everyone.   I've been reading  every day but not posting.  I'm struggling.   I cry all the time.  I thought I was coping better.  I was wrong.  My daughter in law  sent me a you tube video of a song called scars in heaven by casting crowns.  It was beautiful.   I recommend listening to it.  It helped my heart.  Thank you all for being here.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Lisa,

I am struggling and cry everyday as well.   I don't think it is a matter of  coping as much as a matter of loving our children.   I hug my Garrett's sweat jackets.   They hang behind his bedroom door.   Sometimes I hang on for dear life until the moment of agony passes.    Hang on Lisa.... We are here.   I know there are no answers, at least for me there have been none so far, but I know our children are close.   There are times I can feel my precious boy.     It is a miserable life that most people won't even acknowledge.  I have lost most family and friends as no one wants me to grief.  I should be better by now and back to my old self.   I will never be as I was.    I am with you and I share your pain.

Love,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

On 7/8/2023 at 7:05 PM, Jacqueline3 said:

Dearest Carol,

Happy Anniversary and thank you for your kind words..    I just wanted to clarify,  that I am not putting any type of time or framework on my pain and grief.   How could I?    I am feeling this pain and longing because I love my Garrett always and forever.   I will not ever be without my grief.   No matter how this pain morphs or changes or softens or hardens, it will be with me the rest of my life until I can be with my son again.   The pain of losing a child is intolerable and unbearable... yet it manages to reach new heights even when you think it cannot or you can endure no more suffering. 

To all of you beginning your second year, know that you can make it through but it will push you to you limits.  I am sorry I wish I had easier words.   The truth is when I held each of my babies for the first time, I knew that with the deep, ever lasting love I felt for them I had opened myself to the possibility of the greatest pain possible.   I had hoped never to have to experience that pain but here I am....   I try to remind myself that this pain is the companion of the love I hold so dear for my precious Garrett.

As for building some form of life from the ashes, I will not, as I have always said, do that without my Garrett.  WE will walk this life together, no matter that we have to do things differently now.   It is not easy and the rage I feel has been riding near the surface for several months, but I will keep moving despite taking steps backward, but I will not let go of my beloved son's hand.   We are two together forever and always.   I am hoping that we may all find our own special and unique way to walk with our child and hold them close.

I think of you all and my heart bleeds for the road we all now find ourselves walking.

Love to all,

Jackie

Jackie, I didn't put a time frame on either.  I think I tried to convince myself that it would get better in those those time frames.  I don't think it ever goes away,  changes yes that is true.  I miss my son every day and I will forever be a different person.  So many things I stay away from including music,  I miss music but it is so emotional. Mason loved music and different genres that I even think of him with new songs I know he never heard. I want all of to find peace and comfort. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Carol, 

I know you didn't put a time frame on things.  Your love for Mason and the pain you still suffer flows from every word you write and all the help and encouragement you give.  Thank you.  Time limits are what others who have never suffered this tragedy do to us all the time.    I was surprised to find my pain has sharpened and heightened in this second year... Missing Garrett has become even more poignant.  Given how severe and painful it was in the first year, I did not think it could get more distressing and agonizing.    I keep trying to remind myself this pain is a direct reflection of the love that I share with Garrett.    It helps very little but the little I will take as it is overwhelming at times.  

I have found the birds help me more than most things.   I would encourage everyone to try and find a place, something small or large that your child had an interest in and try to make that a safe place for yourself... a place to share with your most precious child.   Garrett is always with me when I sit with the birds.     I wish I had a step by step guide as to how to do that, find that one thing but I don't.    We are all the same in our suffering yet so different.  The birds for me came about because Garrett loved to listen to them when he awoke in the morning and after we lost him there was a plethora of robins outside my sewing window for weeks.     Look for odd things, usual things, anything your child found joy in.     I am no doctor and I do not claim to be, I only know what has helped me to make it from day to day even at times when I think I cannot do this anymore, the suffering is too severe and too painful.  

Love to everyone and thank you again Carol for all the help and encouragement these last two hellish years.

Jackie
  

[Jacqueline3]

Everyone has been on my mind all morning,, as well as the pain and suffering that is now an enormous part of our everyday lives.   Perhaps this special place or thing does not have to be something your child loved but a place where you can find some quiet, at the very least.   Introduce this place or task to your child, perhaps they will join you there.  If not that place or task then look for another until you can find one that you both can share in.   It is not like it was before, as much as we all want it to be but there is a feeling and a comfort in knowing your child is with you.  Again I am no doctor but they have not helped me so I have been searching for anything to help myself.    It is just what has helped me,  take it or leave it.... Do what feels right for you.    I have found that is the only way I can make it through... by following my own intuition.

Love to all,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

I hope everyone is okay.   Everyone is so quiet.  It has been an especially difficult time for me....

love,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

here we are jackie, i have been reading. yesterday was rough for me also .......miss B so much and tomorrow will be 27 months since i last saw my boy. i want a bear hug from him , want to see his smile , want to hear something stupid from him....whatever 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael I know the feeling...  It is 23 months for me and I just ache to hug Garrett close.  I want to hear him laugh and tell me the corny jokes he always seemed to have an arsenal of.    It is for me, another day in hell.    thanks for letting me hear from you.   I always worry.   How is your wife doing?

Love,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

thanks jackie , she is doing remarkably well. her surgery is scheduled for july 27 , and she is having a double mastectomy and going for a B cup ...im not suppose to say that in public !!!!!! nikki , will get here on the 26 and will be home for a few weeks, so that will be nice. 

but yesterday was rough, one of those days that it hits you hard , that feeling of despair that you need to find them , you need to have them close , you know what i am talking about......no need to explain, we all know that feeling to well

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael,   I will be thinking of you all on the 27th.   Ah, no biggie, just a cup size.  I wont say a word,  promise.   I do know those days, they are a constant companion.   My heart breaks anew with each one and my soul shatters a little more....

Love to all,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

thanks jackie , we got results from all her test yesterday and she is good to go . everything around the tumos is clean and the tumor is solid and really small......so that is a relief.

wish B would be here , he knew how to handle his mom !!!! no body else can . when needed nikki will put her in her place but nikki is c loser too me , well both were, but i guess boys are closer to mom and girls to dad.......

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael,

That is very good news.   Hope the surgery is a shorter one.  The waiting will be hard for you, remember we are there with you.    I know what you mean.   Garrett could make me laugh quicker than anyone and when I was upset, he could make me feel better.   I miss him so damned much.  I will be standing with you all on the 27th.

Thinking of you all,

Love,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Still battling vertigo. 3 weeks. Tired of not feeling well. Hoping to start feeling better soon.

Booked a cruise for Kyle and I the week of Thanksgiving. Better then being at home alone.

I don't know about you all but I have fears for Kyle. When I go to wake him in the morning, I have an instant right before I touch him where I think "what if he isn't alive? What will I do?" It's this thought I can't control and I don't breathe easy until he wiggles around. Think that ever goes away?

[Mason’s Mom]

Reading everyone's posts and the thread of all if us missing our children is so obvious.

Mason made all of us laugh I have countless memories of  him laugh until we cried. Sure would love to have one of those big family laughs again.

Virginia I am constant fear of something happening to my girls. I try so hard to not smother them. I want them to enjoy their life and make them feel guilty. Such a hard balancing act.

 

 

 

 

[Jacqueline3]

I have the same fear too, especially with Jolene fighting to recover after the attack and her insides being so torn up.   The fear was there before... with this tragedy now it is just compounded.    I am struggling to find any even ground.   I want to see my Garrett, hug him, talk to him.    I fear sometimes I am losing my fight.   I am so tired and so sad.   Then my mother calls to tell me all about the other grandkids and how big they are all getting and what they are doing it their lives.   It makes me sick.   I hate people, I hate life and I just don't want to live in this hell.     It will be two year on August 30th, my birthday.   God, I hate this fucking life.... Sorry... the last several months have been a nightmare.   Doctors dont help.   What about Garrett's right to live a full life?!  Why does no one mention the injustice of that?!   They just look down their nose at me and tell me I have to pull myself together!    My son deserved better than he got!  All of our children did!  They were babies, just starting out!.   I am full of anger and pain and I don't know what do do with myself today!

Sorry for shouting,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Jackie, I get it. I was in the same spot a few months ago. For me it comes in waves. Sometimes I feel ok, sometimes I hate the world. I have no answer for how to not feel this way. I want to believe that eventually you will find a time when you aren't so angry. 

It's hard to hear of others getting to do the things our child didn't. I think we just have to accept that people who haven't experienced what we have won't ever understand how hard it is to keep going sometimes, and to pretend we care about other kids is sometimes impossible.

I am sending you hugs

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you Virginia... I have a great need of your hugs today.

 

[Jacqueline3]

Morning to all,

I hope everyone is okay.   Been thinking of everyone.   I am  tired and weary and my emotions are tortured and my soul shattered.   I love and miss my Garrett. 

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

morning to all, i did kind of a clean up and reboot of my laptop and when i went into jackie´s post it sent me to the first page of this blog , here we are on page 1360 ....it goes back to 2005. i was just wondering the long road ahead of us missing our children...2005 is 18 years ago , can i even imagine holding on to the feeling of not having him for so long ? 

there is one gentleman that lost 2 kids , 1 year after another and at the time his other son was on his way to iraq as an air force pilot ....

i had a good cry last nite ; nereida, for the first time told me , that the day B passed , she was w nikki and phil ( nikki´s husband) getting tested for covid before catching the flight back. suddenly she felt like something was pulling away from her chest and she says it was exactly where the tumor was and the only thing on her mind , at that time , was telling brian dont do this to me ....a minute later i called saying he had passed.

i know we fathers suffer the passing of our kids , but i know mothers pain is much deeper ....well proof is im the only one left over the last 27 months 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael,

Tell Nereida, I can commiserate with her feeling.   It is a horrible punch to the gut feeling.   I was cleaning up my desk and had the radio on... there was a song playing but suddenly this line from the song was very clear..."Tragedy is at hand.."  I swung my hand and knocked the radio to the floor and just stared at it.....  A day later I lost my Garrett.     I will never forget the stab of fear that shot through my soul,  the grueling pain that lives there now.

There are so many things that cannot be explained, Nereida's feeling, the message I heard in the song ...  I believe with all my heart that our children are close.  It is not the same as having them here and the pain still runs like a wildfire but in  calmer moments, I can feel my boy.... There is so little comfort and no peace for any of us, the feeling of our children's presence is a blessing in this ugly darkness.   I have no idea of anyone's beliefs nor do I think it matters in the darkness we share... I only hope that by sharing what I believe with all my heart and soul, someone else may find some reprieve from the unending pain.

Love to all,

jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Thinking of everyone.  Hoping you have found a small piece of ground and a measure of comfort at some point today.   I am , Hell I don't know what I am doing.   Finding ground right now for me has be very difficult.   I always wonder how it is possible to feel so empty and broken yet be riddled and consumed by such pain and hopelessness. 

Thinking of you all,

Jackie

[Dianas Mom]

Jackie---I feel so dead inside---in direct contradiction to the overwhelming pain I'm living with. Doesn't make any sense. We always called Diana our little butterfly when she was growing up. Recently, I've seen butterflies almost every day in my yard.  I watch them flitting about high and freely.  Bittersweet, a brief moment of comfort knowing she is free now and no longer suffering. Then the tears flow because the loss is so unbearable.

How I wish none of us were here with our shattered hearts as we travel through this dark tunnel of grief. We need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

Thinking of you all with love,

Yvonne 

[Jacqueline3]

My Dearest Yvonne,

I have the same feelings... I found the birds because my Garrett loved to listen to them when he awoke in the morning.   Those birds have shown up in swarms and by themselves in the oddest places.   I believe with all my heart this is one of the connections between Garrett and I.   They come too often and at the strangest places and times.  

Grab on to your butterflies Yvonne.... there are feeders and plants and I know there are places that you can grow them from the cocoon and release them.  The butterflies could very well be a connection between you and Diana... perhaps the recent arrival of many could be a sign from your precious little butterfly.    Garrett gave me a love of these beautiful birds and there are times they starve off the emptiness and pain that threaten to engulf me. 

I remember crying one day and screaming, telling Garrett even the lovely birds weren't helping, I miss and love him so much..... The next morning I heard a weird sound from the livingroom....  Our windows go nearly to the floor... low and behold a huge wild turkey was pecking away at our windows (In 21 years at this house we have never had turkeys in our yard).  When I saw her she sauntered off with a swag worthy of a runway model.   I laughed and cried.  That bird looked ridiculous!   That is exactly the kind of goofy thing my Garrett would have done. 

I know how you feel Yvonne, this pain is a cancer that chews and beats at us all the time...  I am no doctor but I would grab on to this beautiful message.   It is a start in juggling this pain we will live with forever.   I cannot help but believe your Diana has sent you these lovely little creatures.

I still cry everyday and the pain is still agony and torture.... but the birds have given me a hand to my Garrett, there are times I can feel him with me as I feed them and they know now when I come and some are there to greet me.    Every step is so very hard but if you can take hold of your butterflies, they may give you those intermittent moments of comfort when you most need them.  The birds have helped me..

Love,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

So I may be going crazy. Last weekend, teaching Kyle how to mow the backyard I was fighting the urge to micromanage him (he was missing sections and it was driving me nuts), a dragonfly sat on the tree next to me and just stayed there. I started chatting to it, and I could see his little mouth moving, like he was talking to me. I like to think it was Christopher encouraging me to have patience with Kyle.

How I miss my husband and daughter. 

We go on vacation next weekend (week at the beach). Hoping it will be peaceful. My friend that introduced me and Christopher is coming for a few days so we won't be alone.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia,

I do not think you are going crazy at all!   I believe with all my heart our loved ones are with us but communication and connection are  different.   It is believing in the love we share and that we are NOT going crazy.  Others would make us believe we are but I am a firm believer WE ARE NOT.

Love to all,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

thanks jackie, i was really wondering if i was going crazy !!!! how is everybody? been really busy , but been having breakdows often and hard ones. i had to stop on the side of the road waiting on somebody to catch up with me, started reading the first page of diary to brian back in june  2021.......brought me back to those first few months and it was horrible!!!

it still is, but you grow with the pain and you learn to live with the pain. i hate it so much , miss him so much 

[patrickmorrow]

I am so sorry for your loss. Your love for your daughter is wonderful! I lost a son suddenly last year at 18 due to an overdose. He wanted to leave this world and we tried everything to keep him here. God has helped me through and I know I could not have made it without him. Hope you have a good weekend.

[Dustins Mom]

I’d like to personally invite all bereaved parents out there to attend this FREE Zoom meeting being held next Saturday in honor of July being designated as Bereaved Parents Awareness Month  

I received my Grief Educator Certification through David Kessler. He has worked for many years in Hospice and Grief Counseling  AND he himself is a bereaved Father, having lost his youngest adult son to an accidental overdose 6 years ago. Like most of you here already know, I lost the youngest of my 2 sons just 14 months ago. I didn’t personally see a Grief Counselor but have spent many, many hours learning how to navigate these treacherous waters of deep grief for my son.  I’m also a widow but that’s another story for another time. I plan on joining this Zoom call and hope you’ll consider joining too  With much love and compassion, Angie ❤️

https://www.davidkesslertraining.com/bereaved-parents?cid=c76f81fc-f4a5-4c19-8352-75e67054f3ad
 

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael,

You are not going crazy....   Your B is with you.  The two of you share a very strong bond of love.   I too have been having very hard breakdowns and moments where I feel like I can not take another step but at those moments and so many others, I feel my Garrett.    I lost my boy from this earth but I will be damned if I will allow anyone to take him from me again.    I can feel him close and at moments I can hear his sweet voice tell me "It will be okay and we face it together."  I will walk this life with my best friend, my son... My Garrett.

Love to all, 

Don't give up hope,  I am crushed and dead inside, broken beyond repair, no longer the woman I once was..... But my precious Garrett is who keeps me upright and trying.  Who picks me up when I want to quit.

Jackie
 

[Mason’s Mom]

Seems we are all going through a rough patch.  I think of myself as numb sometimes.  I fight so hard to keep going and be strong,  it is so exhausting and I think I try to numb myself to the pain. 

I rarely feel anger at the loss of Mason just a deep seated pain however today I was looking through a cabinet that we use for storage and I found a pamphlet titled "What everyone should know about the first year of grief " that set me off. Wouldn't it be swell if somehow that date on the calendar just slipped by and magically we were all back to our old selves. What a false hope that brings.  Sorry if I am rambling but I know it has been mentioned here so many times how hard the second year can be and that this group has been going for years.  5 and half years and I still cry,  not daily but I feel pain every day.  

Virginia you are not crazy.  I talk to birds and I will even say "hey Mason I love you". I talk to Mason daily,  not always out loud but whispers to let him know how I miss and love him. 

May each of us find peace and comfort, 

Carol

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Carol,

I know this pain will never go away, morph, change as we  continue to change but we and our pain are one now.    We will change and morph as one, always together.  

You and I share a special love of our birds.   I wanted to tell you that I found an app for my phone called Merlin.  You can just download it.  It will listen to the bird calls and tell you which bird it is.   I use it when I feed the birds and I have identified 112 different species now.  And I always thank Garrett for these small creatures.  I give you credit for fighting so hard to keep going and doing all that you do.    I still have not mastered that skill.   There are times  I just sit and cry or withdrawal within myself.  

 I still have not mastered the rage either that just roils around within my pain.   I have gotten better at holding on to it and calming it but here are times it erupts like a volcano.    It is so unjust that our young children were forced to leave and denied their lives.   That is the part I have found therapists do not want to talk about or they just sit and nod and that makes me angry.   Ugh... believe it or not I was not an exceptionally angry person.... however injustice of any kind always raised my temperature and what we and our babies are facing is the biggest injustice of all.

I too, talk to Garrett all the time... Our babies are close... a truth I believe with all my heart and soul.

Sorry for rambling.   It is nice to hear from all of you.... It is lonely when the board is quiet.

Love to all,

jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

morning, i tell brian that i love him about 10,000 times a day !!!! what can i say ....i still and i always will love him...wherever he is .....i will never stop loving him. telling him how dearly i miss him . how much i need  him ...that will never stop.

those first few months when you finally  realize that it is a  cruel reality , that at least while still alive, you will never get to see them or touch them or give him a hug and a kiss ....i became scare that i might stop loving him or missing him.....well, i am glad to inform that i still love him as much as  the day he was born and miss him as much as the day he passed !!!!

after almost 28 months i still cherish those "morning dad" only time he would call me dad.....rest of the time it was mike.

after almost 28 months, out of no where , tears will start falling down my cheek ....but , usually a good cry makes you feel better afterwards ...at least i feel that waY

[Changed]

Dear Michael,  all the very best for tomorrow.   I hope that everything goes well and your wife is quickly home and on the mend.    Thinking of you all.  Roz x

[Michael Rodriguez]

thanks roz, yes tomorrow will be the day ....she will go into surgery at 1:00 pm and the surgery is to last about 6 or 7 hours.

im all alone as nikki was unable to come because of her pregnancy and sofy (nereida´s daughter from her first marriage) was also unable to come ....so im all alone.

i hate being all alone, i was with brian and now with nereida ....just hoping for the best

[Changed]

Michael - missed that Nikki was expecting - well done.

That sounds like a long op - lots of worrying time for you - I’ll pray for you all .  Roz x 

[Michael Rodriguez]

it is a double radical masectomy (her right breast is fine she just wanted it that way) plus some kind of stretchers that they will fit before the implant surgery

we just found out about nikki , but her obgyn recommended total bed stay for 15 days

[LostMelissa]

I haven’t checked in for a while. It’s been a few months since my daughter died in February. I went through three months of hyper focus on many issues relating to her death. Then I tried to turn it all off and give myself an emotional break. It has probably helped somewhat to have that intense period of grief and emotional upheaval, and then turning it off purposely. I’m still a mess, but I guess I’m able to work a little bit better. However, when something unwraps the bandages, the pain hurts really really bad, so it’s clear that all of it is still there waiting for me.   

[Changed]

Hi Melissa’s dad,     Sometimes we can manage our grief and sometimes it manages us.  
  You have gone through an horrendous time  already and recognising that your grief is part of your life now takes a lot of processing .     It’s scary.     
I will always love and miss my son , David,  until the end of my own life but grief will not be as intense as in the early years - I expect the sadness to remain but  not the depth of despair of the beginning  ( I’m seven years in) .

Peace and strength to you,  Roz 
  

[NiquesMom]

Michael, sending prayers for you, I hate to be alone too, it makes the stress and fear worse I think, we are all there in spirit with you

Melissa dad, I can put the pain away for a while but when it crack thru it's really hard to dam it back up

I saw Sinead O'Connor died. Turns out here 17 year old son died by suicide last year. She made this statement and I fully understand it:"been living as an undead night creature since, I am lost in the bardo without him."

I think we all know exactly what she was talking about. I think people need to learn how to talk about grief. People who havent experience it just don't understand how we can be so broken, even when we have so many good things in our life