Loss of an Adult Child

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia,

What a beautiful picture of Nique!  She is adorable!

Dearest Roz,

Thank you so much for your message.   I hope your brother finally understands.   My brother Rick, that is five years younger passed away in December from cancer.  He and I were diagnosed with cancer the same week seven years ago.  I was lucky.    He and I had made amends and were calling each other once a week, trying to help the other.   I miss our conversations.  We came from opposite ends of religious beliefs but had found common ground.   I am truly thankful for that.    I am forever reminded with that swinging wrecking ball how my life has shattered becoming a world I do not know, understand or like.    This, in my belief, is hell.   I am living in the fiery torment now.   I hope you are doing okay.  I do miss hearing from you.

Thinking of everyone and I hope you are finding some form of comfort this weekend.

One of my favorite pictures of Garrett at Easter.   God I miss my boy!

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

monday april 12 , right about this time 2 years ago.....B was coming out of surgery in extreme pain ....48 hours later around 11:50 am i was being told that he had just passed on.......... will i ever be able to live with myself for not doing things different? i miss my son 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael,

I am so damned sorry.   You did the best you could.   We had no idea how things would turn out.  Hind sight is always 20/20.   I can think of so many things now I should have done differently, times I should have argued with the doctors, demanded different tests....   but if I am honest with myself... we couldn't have known.   Even if we would have done things differently, there is no assurance events would not have unfolded the same.   I wish to hell, I could change things for all of us.     I know you love and miss B, I can always hear it in your words.....  My thoughts are with you.

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

14 minutes ago, Jacqueline3 said:

Dearest Michael,

I am so damned sorry.   You did the best you could.   We had no idea how things would turn out.  Hind sight is always 20/20.   I can think of so many things now I should have done differently, times I should have argued with the doctors, demanded different tests....   but if I am honest with myself... we couldn't have known.   Even if we would have done things differently, there is no assurance events would not have unfolded the same.   I wish to hell, I could change things for all of us.     I know you love and miss B, I can always hear it in your words.....  My thoughts are with you.

Jackie

thanks jackie

[NiquesMom]

Michael, one of the hardest things of this journey is the "what if?"

I know you would trade places with B in a heartbeat, and your love for your son is evident in all you say and do. 

I believe when we reunite with our loved ones, all will be revealed. The why will be answered. The what if will be answered. Until then, all we can do is know we loved our children the best we could, and know that they knew it as well.

Be kind to yourself and your wife. 

Sending you virtual hugs my friend.

Jackie, that is a great picture! Are things any better with your family? I am going to see Christopher's family next month for Kyle birthday, they are not very good at communicating so it is always a challenge.

I hope you are finding some peace with your animals.

[Michael Rodriguez]

31 minutes ago, NiquesMom said:

Michael, one of the hardest things of this journey is the "what if?"

I know you would trade places with B in a heartbeat, and your love for your son is evident in all you say and do. 

I believe when we reunite with our loved ones, all will be revealed. The why will be answered. The what if will be answered. Until then, all we can do is know we loved our children the best we could, and know that they knew it as well.

Be kind to yourself and your wife. 

Sending you virtual hugs my friend.

Jackie, that is a great picture! Are things any better with your family? I am going to see Christopher's family next month for Kyle birthday, they are not very good at communicating so it is always a challenge.

I hope you are finding some peace with your animals.

thanks virginia. right after B passed , somebody told me that it would take 2 years for my sorrow to go away ....well i have news for him ....my sorrow is still here , that i can cope with it is much different than not having it...every day i miss him more

[Changed]

Oh Michael,   You put your trust in the experts to do the right thing for B  and  you wouldn’t have gone along with anything  if you hadn’t believed it to be for the best.     Please don’t blame yourself in any way.
    The love you have for your son is there for all to see  and the anniversary of losing a loved child will always be the hardest date to cope with - there is no way , ever,  of avoiding how horrendously sad it is .    We go over and over the details surrounding their death ,  as we have done a million times  before ,  but it becomes acutely focused as we approach  this marker.  

I wish that I could help you more but I know it’s a very personal thing and that it defies logic  - most of us battle with what we could have done differently to alter the course of what was to come - it’s futile but it won’t stop us.

I’ll be thinking about you and your family.    Love Roz 

[Mason’s Mom]

5 hours ago, Michael Rodriguez said:

monday april 12 , right about this time 2 years ago.....B was coming out of surgery in extreme pain ....48 hours later around 11:50 am i was being told that he had just passed on.......... will i ever be able to live with myself for not doing things different? i miss my son 

B knew how much you loved him. That is the greatest gift we can give.

1 hour ago, Michael Rodriguez said:

thanks virginia. right after B passed , somebody told me that it would take 2 years for my sorrow to go away ....well i have news for him ....my sorrow is still here , that i can cope with it is much different than not having it...every day i miss him more

People who put a time limit on grief have never suffered the loss of a child.

[Changed]

Carol,     did your procedure go ok ?     I hope so.      
I had to have a white mark on my chin checked out and unfortunately it is a basal cell carcinoma plus another by my nose.     I’ll have to have MOHs surgery but I understand that there is a new treatment not yet available in the uk although it is undergoing trial at kings hospital , London.     It is being used in Australia, South Africa and Italy already.     A film is put around the bcc to protect healthy skin and a white solution is painted on the bcc - it does it’s thing and destroys the cancer - no wound - no pain - no scar just a whitening of the site.     I have Scottish skin that burns very easily and although I have never sun bathed it still got at me.         Shame that I cannot get the new treatment  now - it’s  a tease.    Not sure if it’s available with you.

How is everything going for you with all your plates spinning ?     I’m finding it hard going if I have too much on at the same time  these days -   I become easily overwhelmed .

take care, love Roz 

[Mason’s Mom]

18 minutes ago, Changed said:

Carol,     did your procedure go ok ?     I hope so.      
I had to have a white mark on my chin checked out and unfortunately it is a basal cell carcinoma plus another by my nose.     I’ll have to have MOHs surgery but I understand that there is a new treatment not yet available in the uk although it is undergoing trial at kings hospital , London.     It is being used in Australia, South Africa and Italy already.     A film is put around the bcc to protect healthy skin and a white solution is painted on the bcc - it does it’s thing and destroys the cancer - no wound - no pain - no scar just a whitening of the site.     I have Scottish skin that burns very easily and although I have never sun bathed it still got at me.         Shame that I cannot get the new treatment  now - it’s  a tease.    Not sure if it’s available with you.

How is everything going for you with all your plates spinning ?     I’m finding it hard going if I have too much on at the same time  these days -   I become easily overwhelmed .

take care, love Roz 

My surgery went well, sorry to hear about the basal cell carcinoma. My husband has scottish skin as well and has had several spots removed. We haven't heard about the new treatment but that would be so much better. It has been a very busy time for us. I was just thinking abour sending reminders to the area schools to get those nominations submited. At the tournament Mason' kindergarten teacher told us she would be happy to travel to the area schools to present the schlorships and tell them about Mason. She advanced to school administration so she watched him grow. Work is still stressful and there is a great deal of politics envolved. Some days it is hard to keep in mind that it is only a job. Just a job but one I need for a few more years. I understand gettong overwhelmed, I know I don't have the same level of contentration.

[Changed]

Carol,  the treatment is called.        Rhenium - SCT.      
 

You have made Mason and his memory  relevant to so many and his name will be on their lips and his life in their thoughts  - such an amazing effort in honour of your child . 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz.

I am sorry to hear about your impending procedures...   such and insidious disease.  I am thinking of you and sending warmest best wishes.

Dearest Carol,   I have been in such a bad state since hitting a year ( I say that like I wasn't before) that I missed your surgery.   I am glad all went well... Sending you warmest recovery wishes and hoping all at work calms for you soon.

I am thinking of everyone.

God I miss and love my Garrett

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

  Rhenium - SCT.      looked it up ....cures in most cases in between 30-180 days.....

like always roz, and everybody in this site , thanks for being here for me. 

honestly i have no idea how i would have survived the last 2 years with out your help 

[NiquesMom]

Michael, I am thinking of you and your family today. I hope you find pockets of peace. I know it's hard everyday, but the anniversary seem to cut deeper. Try to think of the good times if at all possible (I know , easier said than done). Big hugs!

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael,

I am thinking of you and hugging you close on this most difficult day.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Lisa M.]

Michael,   my thoughts and prayers are with you today. 🙏   B and Don passed exactly 30 days apart. April 12 is also a bad day for me as, it is the day I  call the beginning of the end.   Don was rushed by ambulance 40 miles  to the city where I live.  I watched him wither away day by day, minute by minute and there was nothing I could do to help him.  I think of B often and the relationship you two had.  It was precious and I am so glad you have him home with you now.  I too struggle with the what ifs.  They really get me somedays.  I'm sure we all go there and it does us no good.  I am glad your wife is doing OK.  That is another layer to work with.

 

Roz,  I'm sorry  to hear about your bcc.  My coworker had the MOHS procedure last year with much success.   The new procedure does sound promising.   Will be great when more widely available.   Be strong and know that we are here for you.

I apologize for rambling. 

To all I have not mentioned by name.  You too, are in my thoughts daily.   I would not make it through the day without your words.  I have come to treasure all of you.

May you find some peace and comfort in the undying love we continue to have for our children.   

[Mason’s Mom]

Michael, thinking of you and B. HUGS to you.

[Changed]

Michael,   you will be reliving that awful time over the next few days and the way all your emotions and life were upended -  from the 12th to the 14th will be as one nightmare for you and your family.    Friday will bring what it brings - they will be your feelings and it can be complex and  difficult- we all cope differently , as best we can , but slightly out of our control.  Love Roz 

[Michael Rodriguez]

thanks guys, it has been tough. i had a work road trip yesterday and coming  back i did a lot of tears....nikki called me about 4 times also in tears ....she really misses her brother , they were so close. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

[Changed]

Dear Michael,   Thinking of B today and his family and everyone who loves him .
 Love Roz x 
 

[NiquesMom]

Hugs to you Michael ❤️

[Michael Rodriguez]

thanks guys ....2 years that have been so miserable !!!!

[Dianas Mom]

Dear Michael,

My thoughts are with you today.  The yearly date is an all too painful reminder of the day our child was lost.  It will be one year on April 18th since I lost my daughter Diana.  It's an understatement to say our hearts are broken, aching as we travel on this journey of grief.  I hope it will bring some small comfort  knowing we are all thinking of you and B today. 

Sending love and hugs,

Yvonne

[Michael Rodriguez]

17 hours ago, Dianas Mom said:

Dear Michael,

My thoughts are with you today.  The yearly date is an all too painful reminder of the day our child was lost.  It will be one year on April 18th since I lost my daughter Diana.  It's an understatement to say our hearts are broken, aching as we travel on this journey of grief.  I hope it will bring some small comfort  knowing we are all thinking of you and B today. 

Sending love and hugs,

Yvonne

regretfully , come teusday , i will be using basically the same words that you are now writting to me but addressed to you ......i swear, nothing hurts more in this world than losing ones child. i think we all can testify to that !!

[Changed]

Dear Yvonne 

I’ve been thinking about you and how  you will be coping with the build up to tomorrow  - especially as this is the first anniversary of losing your sweet Diana .      

Over the years,  as I face the worse date of my life,  I try hard to remind myself that David is not dying again on those anniversaries -  it is  horrible what has happened to us all but it doesn’t happen again every year.     It might sound obvious to others but  I need to focus on that to be able to survive . 

keep strong , love Roz x 
 

[Changed]

I’ve just got ready to go for a walk but once outside I found that the mist I could see was full of fine rain - missal.    Executive decision is to stay in so I’m now comfy with a cuppa and a piece of lemon drizzle cake watching Bake Off.        

I hope that you can all find moments in your own lives  when you feel relaxed and peaceful too .   I’m working on allowing these times just to be  and avoid any overthinking them .   It’s not always possible  , in fact,  I had a cry earlier this morning over an unexpected photo of David that popped up on my iPad but I recovered quickly and  carried on with what I was doing.      
 

The sky has turned blue now so I suppose I’d better get that walk in .    I’d rather not but I should so I will.

For the bird watchers - I have a tree in blossom with a woodpecker dancing in it - looks beautiful with a red flash here and there.

Roz x 

 

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

yvonne, i was also thinking about you this weekend .......it is just dumb to ask how you are holding on as i know exactly how are you doing....,.but it is just another day....same as it is today and as well as wednesday the 18th...will still miss them as much 

[Dustins Mom]

Hi Roz! Loved reading about your woodpeckers. I know I’ve mentioned it to Jackie before but my late husband’s name was Woody. He got teased a lot as a kid because of a popular cartoon in the 60’s called Woody Woodpecker so I never teased him about it.
But a few years after he passed away I heard a strange tapping in my Joshua tree here in the desert area of California. I was delighted as I’d never seen one here before. I had no choice but to name him Woody. Haha!  I get so excited every year when he comes back to visit. 
On another note, I’m coming up to my son’s one year mark next month and it scares me knowing this past year has slipped by so quickly and all the ‘firsts’ will already be over with. I still expect to see him filling my doorway with his big smile and an ever bigger hug. 

[LostMelissa]

You know what people don’t talk about?  The hurricane of chaos that a fatal accident causes. Problems with your partner, your work, your other kids, your health, your finances, lawsuits, funerals, friendships change or end. There is wreckage everywhere you look.  And I have to be the compassionate one, the one that holds everyone together, calms them down, deals with finances.  I just want it to stop so I can grieve the death of my daughter, get the other driver’s insurance money and move on with life, the life I planned. I want my life back.  Suffice it to say I’ve reached the anger phase. 

[Changed]

Lostmelissa,  yes it it a massive onslaught - ours lives and everything in them is different .      
I expect that you have been working your way through all the necessary arrangements and paperwork  as you grapple with your grief.    I had an overwhelming desire to run away and be in a remote , quiet place all on my own to try and figure out what was happening - it was all so heavy and confusing.    I couldn’t do that as I was needed elsewhere but from time to time , even now -  six years later,  I still want that remote place to hide away and process .

it sounds as if you are having to shoulder an awful lot and , of course, you will feel anger .   We go through so many  emotions .     I’m sorry that there is so  much to cope with  but I hope that the practical issues  can be finalised soon leaving you to focus on your grieving  - you need that space.

Roz x 

[Diane R]

I know I keep coming and going on this website and I feel badly about that, wanting to be more consistent, but I'm doing the best I can.  My son, Dan, passed about 2 years ago from a fatal cardiac attack.  He was 33 years old and there were no warning signs or symptoms.

We, too, were faced with legal, financial issues in dealing with his estate.  It was exhausting and mostly for my husband who bore the brunt of it all.  We thought that when all that was completed that we would finally have time to grieve and feel the weight of those decisions disappear.  Oddly enough, once taxes were completed, Dan's house taken care of, and probate finished off we instead felt a different kind of emptiness and sadness; like yet another tie to our child was being severed. That was just our experience and may be different for others.

My heart goes out to all of us and especially to those coming up on anniversaries.  They are gut wrenching.

Diane

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Yvonne,

I wanted to let you know that I am with you as this most difficult of days begins.   I am thinking of you and your precious Diana and the powerful bond of love you share.

Love and Hugs,

Jackie

[Changed]

Dear Yvonne,   Thinking of you and feeling for you.   Love Roz x

[NiquesMom]

Yvonne, today will be hard, but I hope you can find a sliver of peace or calm. It is so depressing to think that you lived a year without your child. We all understand the torrent of emotions and thoughts running through you today. I hold you in my thoughts and prayers.

[NiquesMom]

Lostmelissa, the anger felt good over the crushing despair. Dealing with lawyers and insurance companies, the hospital, work, family. One of those can be exhausting but when you have to handle all of them at once it can become overwhelming. When nique died, it helped to have that checklist of the actions needed, maybe because it delayed my grief? 

Even now, 5 years in, I will be hit by the fact she is gone and start crying all over again. I don't think there will ever be a time I don't grieve. 

DO you have anyone that can help you? 

[NiquesMom]

Diane, don't feel bad about any lack of consistency. We do what we can, when we can. There are many times when I do not have the energy to come to this page because sometimes it makes me sadder.

Your love for Don is all you need, I found the second year harder than the first because it was really final. The first year it was marking all the first without nique. The second year you realize there are no more "firsts." 

I hold everyone here dear to me, even if I do not post often.

Dustins mom, I thought of you earlier this year. Took Kyle to universal studios for the first time and there was a Woody Woodpecker roller coaster! 

[NiquesMom]

Roz, I have started walking again. During Christopher's illness and death, I gained a lot of weight (sitting in the hospital for 9 months, stress and bad eating will do that). I also have started having back issues. So now I walk 4 times a day: before work, break, lunch and break. It might only be for 10 or 15 minutes, but I am trying to remember that we are not out on this earth to sit in little rooms all day and our bodies need to move, even if they hurt.

I am glad you are finding your moments of peace. I try but feel like most days I am going through the motions.

[Dianas Mom]

One year ago on this date my daughter Diana passed away.  Some would call it an anniversary. In my mind anniversaries are for celebrations, not tragedies. I can still find it hard to believe she is really gone. Every day since is one more day without her. That's the reality that can't be changed. I never feel more alone than when I am with family or friends, listening to their small talk, seeing their smiles. Her death is "the elephant in the room" that no one talks about. A part of me went with her on that fateful day. I am enduring the grief as best I can. So I keep trying to move on to the place where I can carry the pain in my life. All of us here have lost a child and know the despair and devastation it brings. May we all find peace and comfort. My heart is with you.

Yvonne

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Yvonne,

I am 20 months now since I last hugged my precious Garrett or kissed his cheek or looked at his handsome face and his two different colored eyes.   I miss his corny jokes and his heartfelt  laughter and his giant bear hugs.  I too am still struggling with the reality of it all.  I think coming to an acceptance of that reality, in my heart has been one of the most difficult hurdles.  I know what the reality is but I still fight within myself to accept it, even knowing that I cannot change it.   I do not remember life before this tragedy, when I would laugh spontaneously or enjoy each day.   Each moment of every day is scarred with the pain of missing Garrett and the rage that still roils within me that life is so cruel and unfair.    I love my Garrett more than words could ever express.  I love him always and forever and I miss him every second of every day.    I wish too we could all find some comfort.   I am thinking of you as you struggle to find your way.   I am struggling to find mine as are we all on this horrific road life has forced us to travel.

Thinking of everyone,

love and hugs,

Jackie

 

[Jacqueline3]

Morning to all,

I hope everyone is able to find some comfort today.  Comfort, even a small measure has been difficult for me of late, not that it was ever easy.   I find the birds are one of the most comforting places for me yet as spring sets in some of the more aggressive species have come once again to create havoc and some of the smaller, beautiful birds are shying away.  It upsets me.  I have read and looked for answers but nothing seems to help.  It just makes me sadder, and I did not think that was possible.  Everything in my life is touched by missing my Garrett and shards of my broken heart and soul.  The slightest upset or bump in the road sends me into those rough emotions.   I find a little ground and I lose it.    I love my boy so damned much and I miss him every second of every day.

thinking of you all,

Jackie 

[Changed]

Jackie,   This is my third attempt at replying and it’s failed to appear.  Not sure what is going on.  I’m not getting alerts to my email either.

To answer you - it is disheartening to slip back when you feel like you have made some ground but you probably don’t notice just how much ground you have actually gained.

it is a fact that we will be mourning, loving and missing our lost children until our own end - we will negotiate life as best we can for the sakes of our families and ourselves but it obviously won’t ever be as we knew it . 
 I fake happiness at times for the comfort of others and  sometimes that ‘happy’ is genuine- that is where guilt can get in the way - how can I possibly feel happy when I have a dead child?       After more than six years  I struggle with that  - I have cried oceans and thought about David constantly during that time and the only feeling of pleasure that I experienced was seeing my daughter or grandson and watching  animals or little ones when we are out - innocent stuff  - I am working at broadening that to other normal stuff and not stopping myself  - such as music or dance - my son would cheer me on .    He would hate to see the sad shell I became just as my daughter must feel as she sees her grieving mother year after year ( no matter how well I think I am disguising it). 
We cannot rush anything - it all takes its own time.       Someone meeting me wouldn’t know that I am grieving  - they wouldn’t  see what is within and I don’t need to show them.     

Worryingly,   I have found that I have a blank when I think of the future - where I will be or what we will be doing - I used to love to daydream into the future - I miss that .       I deal with what is in front of me and that is all I’ve got to do right now.

 The bottom has fallen out of our worlds and to people without this kind of loss that would sound very dramatic .      We have to go through a lot of painful stages and none of them brings that child back and that is what we want more than our own lives.    We have to come to terms with a hideous truth and gather what is left of us to face another day .   We get stronger and find a place to carry our grief and sadness  - it is always there but we begin to function again .

Rest up this weekend and go easy on yourself.     It will not always be this sharp and you will always be taking Garrett and your love for him with you whatever you are doing.     Love Roz x 

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you Roz.  I am drowning in agony these last few weeks and the little ground I have gained is gone so quickly not like the painstaking efforts it takes to gain it.    I am so full of rage, but not for myself... for all the things that Garrett will not get to do, experience.  How the hell do I come to terms with that?  When I am angry (I am talking loudly, but I am not hitting or breaking things or the like), people walk away as if I am in the wrong.   What am I to do with the anger if I cannot express it in words, even if they are somewhat loud.  Therapist are always telling me how to "get Over" my pain and that I am angry..."I need to get over that".   I find that damned insulting and dishonorable to my Garrett.    I feel so lost Roz, unable to touch even a piece of myself at times.   I don't even know what to say at times, I just swim in black misery that will never end because I will never stop missing and loving Garrett.   

Jackie

[patrickmorrow]

Roz, thanks for your post, I can really relate to much of it. Things are going much better as I have a purpose each day but grief has shown itself to be in the background and unpredictable.  I find comfort in knowing my grief is my love with nowhere to go. I hurt for all of you. Patrick Morro

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, my replies haven't been showing either. 

Jackie,  sometimes you just have to find a place to scream out loud, stomp your feet or whatever it takes to relieve some of the built up emotions.

Ih the guilt of realizing you felt a little bit of joy. I know Mason would be so upset with me because I still can't enjoy music or some simple things I enjoyed and brought happiness.

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you Carol.   I cannot either.  If I laugh or enjoy anything... I feel such guilt and shame.....I do not want Garrett to ever think that I live this miserable life just fine without him.   I don't, I hate everything about it.   I need him to know how much I love and miss him.    I do scream and cry, sometimes I cannot hold it in.   Yet I can find no ground. 

Thinking of you,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Woke up depressed. Had a dream Christopher was alive. He was in the hospital but he was walking, gave him a huge hug. I miss him so much.

I am tired of missing them.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia,

I have the dreams too.   I am still frantically trying to find and save Garrett.  They are so upsetting, because in the dream it is always futile, just like when I am awake.    I am weary of the pain too, it eats at me like a cancer.   I love and miss my Garrett so much....

I am thinking of you

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia,

Im just checking in to see how you are feeling today.   I am the same as usual, miserable, broken and in pain .... except now occasionally I get spells where I feel just numb and disconnected from everything... that is especially upsetting for me.

Love and Hugs,

Jackie

[Changed]

Jackie ,   Do you think that numbness and disconnect may be your body briefly tuning out the relentless agony of  grief  ?     Perhaps it’s just a way that your mind and body can rest for a short while.       Of course, I don’t know what I’m talking about  but it sounds like a dose of  involuntary self protection.      You will have a better idea than me.

The weeks rattle by at such speed and before I know it the month is out.    I have so much to do in the house and garden but I’m not very motivated these days  - I’ll tackle them bit by bit but I find that more stuff keeps jumping the queue.    

  Please take  care.   Roz x