Loss of an Adult Child

[Michael Rodriguez]

nikki, my duaghter , had a bunch of videos of brian that i had not seen .....now i have them and i am able to watch them....first few months i could not take seeing him ......i still break up every time i see them , but i can see them 

[Mason’s Mom]

On 2/17/2023 at 2:24 PM, Jackline said:

Thanks everybody for being here tonight a fear has engulfed me as I see April approaching. It’s was supposed to be a special month in my family as my daughter, my sister and I were born on this month. I am afraid of it now as it will be my daughter’s first birthday one that she will not be with me. I am afraid. I feel the fear. I wish the calendar can just jump the month. I feel punished by God and death. I feel unlucky in life. I feel vulnerable tonight. I am not at peace 

Why us?why me?why my little Suki?

I understand the feeling of calendar as some dates approach, I have been through 5 of Mason's birthdays without him here to celebrate. I have longed for peace as well. I have struggled with prayer and trying to understand why did it have to be my son. The what ifs and why's can be so difficult. I hope you have someone to lean on and whom you can talk with,  we are here as well. 

[Mason’s Mom]

We are preparing for the fishing tournament that will fund the memorial scholarship in Mason's honor.  It is emotional for me, a reminder that he is no longer here. Also the time of year to reach out to local schools to get the applications in for  this year's recipients. Takes a lot of time and is exhausting. 

[Dustins Mom]

Hi Carol - please try and be gentle with yourself and rest easy knowing Mason would be so proud and in awe of what you’re doing to help keep his memory alive!!! You’re doing a great job Mom - even on those days when you’re overwhelmed and exhausted. Virtual hugs. - Angie 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Carol.

That has to be very difficult.  We live with the knowledge all the time yet there are times, places and events that make that knowledge roll like a steam engine and crush us.   I am thinking of you as you proceed with the fishing tournament and scholarship in Mason's honor.   Take some time for you, even if you have to let some other things wait for a few moments, make your emotions and love a priority.

Thinking of you all

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

God I miss my Garrett!  Scratching the dog's back with my back scratcher.... I love and miss my Garrett so damned much!!

[Michael Rodriguez]

morning jackie, we all do know how much you miss garrett !!! you are for sure a great mom !!!

remember we are all here for you 

[Dustins Mom]

Jackie - What a great picture of your handsome boy!!! I feel your pain, and I know your pain all too well. I miss my Dustin every minute of every day. Big hugs to you. 
Angie 💜

[NiquesMom]

This has been a very rough week. So many feelings for both me and kyle. Kyle is having a hard time listening to other kids talk about their dad.  It doesnt get much easier even with time that passes. Mama has been gone almost 24 years and i still get jealous listening to people who have their parents.  Yesterday was Christopher and my anniversary, today is mamas birthday and the anniversary of my brothers death.  Have had a hard time not crying this week. Missing my people. Discovering that the older I get, the more days that remind me of the people that are gone. Trying to find the joy each day, some are harder than others.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia,

I am so sorry this has been an especially difficult week... I know it is difficult at times to tell... they all seem so bad.  I am thinking of you and Kyle.   My recent weeks have been especially trying as well.  We are with you.

Jackie

[Changed]

Oh dear Virginia,  sometimes it does just all become too much.    I feel for Kyle - it’s all so unfair .    What a shame that you are not closer to the group in Florida that we spoke of - with other children experiencing similar grief to Kyle and meeting up to have experiences together would have been helpful to you both.    
 The fact that you are able to seek out the joy in each day as you go along is admirable .   I hope that this week can lighten up a little for you both.   Love Roz x

[Michael Rodriguez]

hi virginia , i guess kyle feels the same as we do when we here people talking about there kids, which is just terrible. it must be so hard for him not having his dad around , i know how much both B and i would enjoy each other when B was the same age as kyle. 

when i was a kid , one of my best friends' dad was an air force fighter pilot , he got killed during a routine training flight and we could all see his pain when he did not have his dad around when all the rest of us did have ours. but, thanks to his mother constantly being there for him he turned out to be one hell of cardiologist and now in a major hospital in houston. so just keep on doing what you have been doing and he will be fine.

[Changed]

Hi Jackie ,   I read your posts and see how many newly bereaved people you have reached out to - you are very kind to do so as you are in so much pain yourself.   It  seems more relevant when you , and others more recently facing this loss , speak  rather than myself.

How is your daughter now?   Is she feeling any better?     Are you still working ?  If you are ,  I trust that everything has settled down now and doesn’t cause you any stress. 

love Roz x
   

[Changed]

My dear Carol,    Gosh,  that has come around quickly - feels like you have only just finished the last  tournament.       I know it takes a huge amount of effort and organisation  ,  but it’s so worthwhile.   
How is your job reorganisation demands going?   Will it make doing the tournament harder for you or can you switch off one from the other ?      
Did you get the health issues at home sorted ?      So much of our very being is taken up with sadness these days that all of life’s  usual challenges seem enormous.  
     I’m struggling myself with everyday issues just now - I think I’m so worn down with sadness that making an effort for anything else is hard work .   Being in a low mood for years takes its’  toll .   I try , and mostly succeed,  in putting that sadness in a place within that allows me to function with others and life - I guess that is where we all end up eventually.      Take care , Carol, love Roz x 

[Changed]

Dear Michael,   How is your wife ?   All the better for having your daughter visit and their shopping spree, I bet. 
My daughter returned from her Antarctic expedition yesterday - I admit I was relieved - she travels the world a lot but she seemed to be very remote down there and too difficult to get to her  .   

I met a lady whose step son died over this Christmas - quite unexpectedly, following what should have been a straightforward surgery.    Her husband is in total shock and I thought of you as she told me and all he will now endure.    

kindest thoughts to you and yours, love Roz x 

[Michael Rodriguez]

roz , thanks for asking !!!!! so far terrific....only a week after her second chemo session , she had her doctors visit.....well the tumor has reduced to less than half the original size....so basically was told that she will have the original 8 sessions of chemo , surgery a month after her last chemo, 15 to 20 radiation sessions a month after surgery and a pill everyday for the rest of her life. 

so hoping that everything continues as is , with no bumps or surprises down the road. she is in really good spirits , started yoga again today ( which i understand that is different as this one is for cancer patients.....dont ask me what the difference is , i just pay for them) 

i am so sorry for the family that lost its child after surgery . give them my warmest regards , tell them i live that scenario every day of my life , it is horrible to walk in to a hospital with the idea that your child will come out cured of its illness and yet you leave carrying him in a casket .....honestly, i am really sorry for them 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz,

it is so good to hear from you.   I think of you so often and I for one, miss you when you do not speak.  Your words of comfort are always most welcome.    I know that you have several years walking this unwanted road but I have a feeling that time, while it may mellow our pain in some ways,  in others ways, it just becomes heavier.    Sadness is now part of my every day and is ingrained in my personality.   It is seventeen months for me already.  That is so hard to believe.  God, I miss my Garrett.   I miss hearing his unbridled laugh ring through the house and I miss him standing in my sewing room door saying... "Mom, can I borrow you for a minute."   I do not remember a life that was happy or days that I do not cry for my youngest child.   Every day is a challenge and a struggle.

My eldest, Jolene is doing a little better but eating is still such a traumatic issue for her.   She is better but still not where I feel comfortable with her health.   She has found a wonderful therapist that is helping her deal with the assault and that is a blessing.   Is your daughter home yet?  I am cold thinking of her journey.

Still, despite the depressing, ugly vein of my words before, I will say it again.  I know for many my words may be monotonous, but I believe them with every fiber of my soul.   I know what I have seen, heard and experienced.    Our children and loved ones are close.  Our love binds us together across this unwanted separation.   Again my beloved Garrett reminded me when my hope and spirits were dragging helplessly on the ground.  I was walking into work the other day, trying to dry my eyes since I had cried the entire way there when I had the distinct sensation of my boy taking my hand and walking with me.   I stopped and looked down, it was not a touch per say but the whisper of the wind.  I could sense my boy.    Those birds he so loved to listen to,  are forever close, they come and do the strangest things at the strangest times when they were no where to be found before this tragedy touched my family.   

I think of everyone who has uttered broken words on these tear soaked pages... My heart bleeds for us all....   Don't let others take your children from you.... they may not be with us as they once were but they are close and just as loved and treasured.  Walk this unwanted road in truth with yourself and your child.  To those that have not suffered as we are suffering.... they have no right to tell us how to do anything or what to believe.   That is between you and your child and that walk is as unique and special as you and your child...  the love and relationship that you share, even now.

I am sorry for the long wind this evening but it has all been roiling through my troubled thoughts

Love and Hugs,

Jackie

[Dianas Mom]

Today is my daughter, Diana's first birthday since she passed. Knowing it was coming up, I've been dreading it. It's even more painful than I thought it would be. My heart is broken, the tears won't stop. The reality is that she is gone forever and we will never have another birthday party for her. I will always miss her and want her to be here. There's an emptiness, a void, a hole in my heart that can never be filled.  Each day is another day without her.  I talk to her every day and tell her I love her.  In this life I will never again be able to see her face, hear her laugh, give her a hug. I am so thankful for all the years she was here. Today I'm remembering her birthdays from the time she 1 year old forward, they were so full of happiness. I can still see her blowing out the candles on her birthday cakes with her smiles and laughter. She gave my such joy and happiness throughout her life.  Next month will mark one year since she passed. It feels as though it were only yesterday. Grieving for the loss of a child is what we are all going through here.  Sadly, there is comfort knowing we are not alone, that we understand each others pain in this club that none of us ever wanted to be eligible for.  I'm sending my love and hugs to each of you.

Yvonne

[Dustins Mom]

Hi Yvonne - Sending Happy Birthday wishes to you and your daughter. I hope you can find just a little peace remembering the day you first held her in your arms. ❤️

I had to try to celebrate Dustin’s first birthday without being here physically in November and know how it can shake you to your core. Sending you hugs from afar.
Please know both you and Diana are being remembered by those of us who are here. We see you Yvonne. You are not alone. With love and deep compassion, Angie 

[Changed]

My dear Yvonne,    it is so awfully painful to grieve for our children .    I feel for you today - we do all understand what you are living with.      
It is probably of little help to you at the moment but over the last few years after losing my son , David,  I try hard to recognise that his birth date  should still be a good , pure date .    As sad as it is that we cannot celebrate their birthdays with them it is still a wonderful thing that they were born and we had them with us for the time we did.     I know that you know that to be true but your sadness will be overwhelming  .       We all find different ways to cope with this day  - some gather for a meal with loved ones - some go to ground for the day - others keep busy  .  Personally,  I wish my son a  birthday message  and  spend the day quietly  and  I donate in his honour - it’s not easy .

A big hug from me with total understanding .  Love Roz x

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Yvonne,

I am thinking of you... so many things bring the stark reality home and the pain is unrelenting.   Birthdays are especially heartbreaking.   I am with you.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Dustins Mom]

[NiquesMom]

Yvonne, I am hoping you were able to find a sliver of peace on diana birthday. I believe she was with you, kissing away your tears and hugging you tight. I would love to say it gets easier but I have not really found that for myself. It still hurts. 

I am glad you are remembering the good times as we know the good outweigh the bad most days. Our children are so much more than their death.

I am sending hugs and love for you.

[LostMelissa]

I am new to the group.  My 23 year old daughter was a passenger killed in a car accident on Saturday.  I was numb for days and now it is very painful.  This is awful.

[Diane R]

I am heartbroken for you; your loss and the pain is so raw and fresh. I lost my son Dan in 2020 to a sudden cardiac arrest. Like your daughter Melissa, it was completely unexpected. The shock, disbelief and pain is indescribable. You may find that the intense pain alternates with periods of numbness. Please be kind to yourself. There is no right or wrong feeling or way to go through this. I am glad that you are on this site and I hope you will continue to reach out to everyone here; it is an extremely supportive community. You are not alone.

With care,

Diane
 

[LostMelissa]

I just don’t know how to “be”.  I feel lost.  I talk to her, and I don’t know if she hears.  I have had many years of treatment so I know I have the skill to get through. But this is the big time, and it’s heavvvvvy.

I got to see her at the mortuary and we had a long talk, but I want more.  

Everyone is so supportive, but they are scared and don’t know what to say.  There isn‘t a certain thing to say anyway, but I wish there were.

[NiquesMom]

Lostmelissa, I am so sorry you are here. The loss of our child is just too hard for anyone to imagine. My name is Virginia and my 18 year old daughter Dominique was killed in a car/pedestrian accident 5 years ago.

The numbness and disbelief is normal. I also talk to nique, still do all the time. I believe she can hear and see me. I try to watch for the signs from her.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. And I have found there is no end date to the grief. It has become a part of me, forever with me. I have just learned to walk with my grief.

Try to take care of yourself. A warm bath, eat what you can, fluids. Its hard but eventually you will see a light on the other side.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Yvonne,

I am thinking of you... so many things bring the stark reality home and the pain is unrelenting.   Birthdays are especially heartbreaking.   I am with you.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Lost Melissa,     I am so sorry for your loss.  My name is Jackie.  I lost my son, Garrett,  17 months ago.... very unexpectedly to an undiagnosed  medical issue.   The pain is unfathomable and to those who have not felt it, they cannot imagine.   Your mind will offer moments of numbness but the pain is always there and ready to come back.  My heart bleeds for you and for all of us as we travel this unwanted, painful road. 

I talk to my Garrett all the time and I know he hears me... There are times I can feel him.  I believe with all my heart and soul our children are close and still with us... just not like we would like.... not anything at all like we wish they were with us...     There is no right or wrong way to feel the pain you are going through...  Each day is its own mountain to climb.  I cry every day, and  I still feel raging anger towards the heavens for hurting my boy...  We are  here for you, we do understand.  As similar as this journey is and as much as we all feel the writhing pain and loss, the path we follow is as unique and individual as we are, as our children are..   There is no right or wrong.   The love we share with our child is the link that binds us across this agonizing divide.  Hold strong to the love you feel for your girl.

Jackie.

[Mason’s Mom]

On 3/3/2023 at 11:10 PM, LostMelissa said:

I am new to the group.  My 23 year old daughter was a passenger killed in a car accident on Saturday.  I was numb for days and now it is very painful.  This is awful.

I am so sorry for your loss and I know those words don't mean much to you right now. Please know we are all here for you and we all understand your pain.  Something a friend told me just shortly after I lost my son really struck a chord and is something I still practice over 5 years later.  "Don't forget to breathe", it didn't make sense at first because like you I was just a few days into my grief but I realized I was not taking a deep cleansing breathe, it hurt to much.  I found if would make myself stop and take a deep breathe it didn't help to calm my racing heart and I could feel for a few minutes.  Allow yourself to grieve and if you have loved ones near you let them help.

[Mason’s Mom]

Life has been stressful and very emotional in the last few weeks.  I have read the posts and keep up with all of you. Think of each of you often.

Roz, glad your daughter is back from her trip. You mentioned how is seems like we just finished the tournament and here it is again.  It comes back to the issue of time and how is plays tricks on our mind.  It does seem as if we just finished and here we go again.  This will be the 5th year of scholarships given in his honor, I truly hope those young people will tell their children about the scholarship and take the time to learn a little about Mason and how they were given a lending hand in a better future in his honor. 

Virginia, sorry to hear that Kyle is having such a tough time.  I know your grief is so difficult but you are so aware of what Kyle is experiencing and you stay involved.  I hope you give yourself the time and are gentle with yourself as you could have simply given up and not working to give to Kyle a happy childhood.  I love the pictures of him, he has such a beautiful smile.

Jackie, I read your post and I see how you reach out to others with such comforting words.  Through your pain and missing Garrett you find the time to ask about others. I know we share our birds, last week I broke my bird feeder and had to do without it for a  few days.  I continued to put out my bird feed on our picnic table until I got a new one. When I broke it, I thought about you and I thought "Jackie would understand how upset this makes me"

Michael, I think about you, B and your wife.  It is good to hear your wife is doing well.  

Lisa, Robert, Diane  (forgive  me I miss someone) hope all is well with each of you.

My daughter Morgan had an accident and totaled her truck last week. She was driving and lost control and hit a tree head on.  My granddaughter was in the truck with her.  Thank GOD they were not seriously hurt.  Morgan has chemical burns on her hands from the airbags and bruises, Magnolia was completely untouched.  Just getting that call that they had been in an accident, racing to get to them and pulling up with the ambulance and police car lights was horrific for me.  

Work has been challenging and I am trying to stay positive but it is hard to create training guides, provide names to train the new the group and answer endless questions when I feel we are heading in the wrong direction.  Just leaves me feeling hollow.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Carol,

I do understand how the broken bird feeder was so upsetting.   Such small creatures to bring such comfort, although I do enjoy that big ole' turkey that keeps showing up now ( she is always alone, like me in the dark place I currently live) and the red tailed hawk and her offspring.   If for some reason I do not see many birds at Garrett and my special place, it is so upsetting and I know that will be a more difficult day for me.   They are a lifeline I treasure and most of the time there is a plethora of different species and sizes outside my sewing window and there are times I can feel my Garrett sitting with me.   My daughter named the turkey Gertie.   Of course my husband had to shorten it to "the Gert".   When I was expecting I was no longer Jackie but "the big Ute" for Uterus.... Ugh.

Carol I am so glad Morgan and Magnolia (what a beautiful name) are okay.   I can only imagine your terror.   I think I live now in a state of being afraid.  It is a horrible feeling that tends to just escalate the pain and heartache that is my constant companion.   God I miss my Garrett.... I ache to hear that laugh and feel his big bear hugs....

Love and hugs,   I am thinking of you all.

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Carol, you are always so kind, reaching out to everyone. 

I am glad the scholarships continue. I sometimes feel like I failed Nique because I don't do anything in her name. I remember when she died I wanted to go around to schools and give talks on distracted walking. So many kids, actually people, do it and don't realize the danger they put themselves and others in. But I hate public speaking so it never happened. I am so proud of you, taking those steps to make sure mason is remembered. You are a good mom.

I am so happy that your daughter and granddaughter are ok. It is terrifying to think we may have to go thru this again. We are not immune just because we have already lost a child (though I wish that was the case).

[NiquesMom]

I have been thinking lately of maybe scattering Nique ashes. Or planting them with a tree or something. Part of me is afraid to do that because then she will be gone. Rationally I know that's not true. But am I letting my fear hold me back? Will it help me or hurt me? What if I do it, and then regret it? What if Kyle hates me down the road because he thinks I made the wrong decision?

That's one reason I did not bury her because I wasn't going to be able to visit her grave if we moved.

My parents are both buried in Minnesota, I have been to moms grave 4 times since she died 24 years ago. I have been to dad twice in the 9 years he has been gone.

But I know its not them. The urn and ashes arent Nique and Christopher. 

So why am I afraid?

[NiquesMom]

Jackie, I like the birds you see.  I try to pay attention to the animals around me.

I told you all how we adopted the cat Allen? I didn't see it at first but I think Christopher brought the cat to us. See, his middle name was Allen. And his initials were C.A.T.   I am trying to pay attention to the signs. 

Michael, how is your wife? Last I remember there was shopping and yoga. I hope she is feeling ok.

[Changed]

Oh my goodness Carol , what an awful shock for everyone .   I’m so relieved that they are ok after the accident .   You poor thing pulling up to all those police lights and drama -  that was all you needed when you are so involved in everything else just now.   Breath, as you say, breath. 
love Roz 

 

Dear Virginia,   My advice, for what it’s worth, regarding the scattering of Nique’s ashes would be to hold off doing anything until you are absolutely certain that it is what you are comfortable with.    As you know , David died in Australia and we went over to see to all the arrangements there.   We were sure that what would be the most fitting thing to do with Dave’s ashes was to cast them into the sea and let the waves take him wherever he would like to go .   ( every time we walk along the shore close to here I imagine those waves bringing him home to me)      He was an adventurer and deep sea diver so it was agreed that it was the right thing to do to set him free, as we had done in life.      Unless you have such a strong driver to make a decision I’d wait until you have  - there is no rush.     Love Roz 

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

virginia, we struggled so much with B being burried until we got him cremated , most of you guys were here for me while i went thru the whole ordeal......we all know that they are only ashes of what once was life ....but it is ours ....... do not rush into it. she has been in your night table for almost 6 years ....she can stay there a little while longer. 

nereida and i discussed spreading the ashes in the mountains where he would ride , and right away we said no...he is staying home with us.

i did not see that you asked about nereida , she is doing really well. tomorrow is chemo# 3 , we know this next 5-6 ared going to be rough but we are getting the hang of it, thanks for asking.

lost melissa , i am so very sorry for your loss ,,,,i have even lost the words that i can say as there is nothing to say. over almost 2 years that i have been part of this group i have realized that you slowly start to learn to exist with the pain, but it will never go away. you will get to the point where your crying wont come as often but you will shed at least one tear a day , at least i do. and you will constantly wonder on the what if......again im so sorry 

[LostMelissa]

I don’t know how you even get the emotional energy to post. This is rough.

Because it was a car accident, there is an endless stream of phone calls and legal issues that arise. Where is the car?  Is it being preserved?  What about her phone? What’s the password?  Accident reconstruction. Car insurance - 3 companies. Coverage issues. I am a law person, so it all falls to me. Sheriff reports. Life insurance. Student loans. 

And then there are all the well meaning relatives, friends, friends of friends, coworkers, 12-step program friends, clients. All want to interact and share the misery. And, each time I touch “it,” it is exhausting. I’m not ungrateful; it’s just overwhelming.

So you get outside and, everywhere you go, she is there. People with their kids, getting a Jamba, driving by a school, it’s everywhere. 

I guess I start to get desensitized? 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Lost Melissa,

This is all very exhausting.  You have details that are a must that you take care of and they are all draining enough because so many forget they are talking about your child and they use generic ugly words to reference your beloved child.    Whether you have friends and family clammoring  "to share and help"  it sounds as if you are being smothered with good intentions.  That can be just as detrimental as the family who shuns you and doesn't speak (That has been my experience)

My advice,   (you may take it or discard it),  it has just been my belief and what has driven me since this tragedy.   This path you are walking, is a journey that you must take with your child.   You are Melissa's mother and you must be the person to decide what you need and how you wish to proceed.   There s no shame or disrespect  in telling those that wish to help that you need some room and you need time to meditate and take in what has happened and how you wish to proceed.    I have lived my life and raised my three children by doing what has felt right to me and I have discarded advice that while there was nothing wrong with it, it was not my belief.    I believe this unwanted journey is one we must walk on our own terms with consideration for only two people,  you and your child.   Your soul, your heart and your body has been slammed with the worst nightmare a person can experience.  you must place yourself as your priority and do what you believe to be best for you.

Thinking of you , love and hugs

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Lostmelissa, how I feel for you! My daughter also died in a car accident. I remember the struggle trying to get information from the police, waiting for her personal effects to be returned, dealing with her work and lawyers and insurance companies.

A lot of it is now a blur. But I remember no one knew what to say or do for me. Everyone wants to make it ok. But it will never be ok.

Its ok to stop thinking about it sometimes. Just zone if you need to. Not sure what the rest of your family is like but I had a small child to care for and that was sometimes the only thing motivating me too get out of bed.

I had to go back to work 2 weeks after she died. I cried in the car, in the stairway, in the file room, probably cried every hour for a long time. However you find to cope, use it. 

There is no right or wrong way thru grief. We all do this the only we can.

Hang on, keep breathing, we are all here and understand where you are right now.

[LostMelissa]

Thank you, NiquesMom. 

I didn't reveal in the posts that I am the dad.  Mel's mom and I finalized our divorce last year at this time, so I live alone.  It was a bitter divorce, so there are issues around that too.  I am trying to work, but it's not easy to do.  It's taxing mental work, and it's hard to do in this condition.  I have a girlfriend (established for years) and she is super supportive, as is my other child (21), so I am not alone figuratively.  The aloneness is physical and it's not good.

Then there are finances.  I work for myself so I don't make money when I don't produce.  Maybe I have a claim against the driver (unfortunately, Mel's girlfriend) for lost wages or something, but money is just a landing place my head goes to worry when there are any hard things going on.  There will be money.  It's not the issue.  It's just added stress.  My head spins around and finds some "problem" to hold onto, even when there isn't one.

I am sorry to all, even you all, for being selfish.  Everything is "all about me" since the accident.  I don't like that either.  I don't like leaning on anyone that hard -- girlfriend, friends, relatives, co-workers.  My trauma is direct.  Theirs is indirect in that it is traumatizing to have someone in your social circle die.  It is destabilizing for anyone, even if it's someone you don't interact with that much.  Their trauma is also direct because they are scared for me, and hurt for me.  This is especially true for my girlfriend and other adult child.

A co-worker had a young adult child die 10 years ago, and he actually *did* have some things to say that helped.  He said crisis brings growth, and so it's a good idea to be open to the universe at this time.  He said it never stops hurting but your emotions get less brittle.  I see him leading a successful life.  He's a role model because I want to become fully functional again at some point.

Meanwhile, thank you all.  We say that "no one knows what to say," and "there is nothing anyone can say," but it's not perfectly true.  Especially you who have been through it have something to give as a result of your processes.  I appreciate that.

[Michael Rodriguez]

well...hello dad !!! as you can see by my name i am also the ¨dad¨. and there have been a few of us , but soon they vanish ....i have found such a relief of my pain from all these lovely ladies that i am stuck to them.

you will learn to exist with it....i always claim that we exist we no longer live ......i still consider myself a newbie , it will only 2 years since B (we used to call him B, his name was brian) left us and it still hurts ....and some times the pain is still unbearable , but you keep on going , and you are going to struggle at times more than others ......and as painful at it sounds , you are going to learn to live withn that pain ...but you will be ok ....and as your friend did so will you

[Michael Rodriguez]

everybody is awfully quiet ......i am exactly 1 month away from B's second year since he left us

[NiquesMom]

Michael, how are you and your wife feeling this time? Is your daughter still here? I think for me the 2nd anniversary felt "easier" because I already had to do it once. 

I had a moment today where I couldn't remember how much older Nique was than kyle. Someone asked me if kyle had any siblings and I told her he has a sister, but my mind was blank for a moment while I tried to remember. That made me awfully sad.

Kyle told me yesterday he has no memories of Nique, and cant remember any happy ones of Christopher. I am feeling very beat down and while I know i am doing all I can, and its good he voices this to me, it made me feel so sad and alone. 

I have been having fears of kyle dying. We are on spring break at Universal Studios, and I am terrified there will be an accident on the rides, or a car accident driving there, or drunk people in the condo complex. I know I cannot control anything and I dont let it stop me, but I am worried nonetheless.

As they say SSDD, same stuff different day 

[Lost4words2020]

Sometimes when I close my eyes I could still hear his voice.  Just the way he called me mom brings joyful tears to me.  I try to only remember all the good things about my son Matt.  When I bring him up at home only my husband can truly understand the pain.  Our other children don't seem to understand.  They grieve in way I also can't understand.  We are loving and supportive however it seems like a wall has been put up.  Crying, screaming, locking myself in my room does not make me feel better. Talking about Matt., expressing all the details of our relationship good or bad help.  The kids wont ever understand. I feel terrible when I bring Matt up.  They become closed off and I become defensive.  Suicide has been a "bad word" in our home.  I don't know how to fix it or if I even could.  How can I be a good mom to them when I failed Matt?  

[Changed]

Dear Lost4words2020,   I am so sorry for your loss - losing your child brings a pain that would be impossible  for anyone to express without experiencing it - sadly , everyone here knows what you are suffering first hand.

My name is Roz and I lost my son, David, six years ago.     You spoke of your other children and how they close off when you speak of Matt -  they may not be ready or able to talk to you about their brother’s passing just yet .     We all grieve differently - I’ve heard many parents here say the same as yourself  and eventually they choose not to force conversations but leave the door open to any future talks .   It’s not easy when you want to hug and share moments with them though is it?
The fact that you and your husband feel the same and give support to each other will help , I’m sure.

Please feel free to return to this group if you feel that we can offer you our friendship, understanding and support.      Take care, Roz 

[Changed]

Dear Michael,   The posts come in waves .    Silence for days then a flurry.   

How is your wife , indeed , how is all the family coping - it will be a joint effort.

Close to two years since you lost B !   It is so sad to think of all the time we are without them and what should have been .        Love Roz 
 

[Changed]

My dear Virginia,     It is understandable that you have fears for Kyle’s safety - everything is on your shoulders now and that is a huge responsibility but, as you know,   you can only do your own part in everything to keep him safe without smothering him and it sounds as if your doing really well .  
Worrying and parenting  seem to go hand in hand - and with our backgrounds even more so.

How comforting that Kyle is able to tell you how he is feeling.     You can remind, recreate and add to his memories.   Maybe , getting two solid , blank paged books for him to gather photos and memories that you can share with him of his dad and sister.    Their birthdays and factual details,  personalities , holiday maps, and little stories about them .   It would save the memories and details and be his to return to through life.      
 I’m trying to do one for David’s son - telling him who his dad was as a boy and his antics - the things Dave would have told him if he were still alive.    It’s very upsetting and in some ways it  feels final but I must  push myself as it is necessary and worthwhile for the future.   I’ve got the book but haven’t even opened it yet.   Lots of spare time to do it but not brave enough ! 

Had a call last Monday from a friend saying her husband had died that morning  .  I met them both when we lived in Hong Kong - we only keep in touch casually even though she  now lives an hour or so from us back in England.     She sounded very in control last week but all the officialdom has ground her down and she seemed wounded today when we spoke.   The banks are being callous when what she’s looking for is guidance and assistance. 

Anyway,  on that cheery note….     Strength to you , love Roz x 

 

 

I 

[Changed]

My dear friend Carol,    I’ve been thinking about you and everything that you will be doing right now - you must be so busy - you’re made of stronger stuff than me.      How is your daughter, granddaughter ( and your nerves ) now ?       All ok I hope.  Love Roz x 

 

Dear Lisa,   How are you ?    Have you been able to keep any dialogue going with your daughter-in-law ?   
I think that you still read here - let me know how you are managing  if you have the time.    Love Roz x

 

Dear Jackie , we are like ships in the night - you’re posting when I’m not around and visa versa.

I hope that you are coping  as best you can - what more can we do but try.

love Roz  x 

[Mason’s Mom]

6 hours ago, Michael Rodriguez said:

everybody is awfully quiet ......i am exactly 1 month away from B's second year since he left us

The days, weeks, months any measure of certainly has different meaning after the loss of time. Those dates have a hold on us. Still reading just don't have much give right now.