Loss of an Adult Child

[Mason’s Mom]

4 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

Michael, how are you and your wife feeling this time? Is your daughter still here? I think for me the 2nd anniversary felt "easier" because I already had to do it once. 

I had a moment today where I couldn't remember how much older Nique was than kyle. Someone asked me if kyle had any siblings and I told her he has a sister, but my mind was blank for a moment while I tried to remember. That made me awfully sad.

Kyle told me yesterday he has no memories of Nique, and cant remember any happy ones of Christopher. I am feeling very beat down and while I know i am doing all I can, and its good he voices this to me, it made me feel so sad and alone. 

I have been having fears of kyle dying. We are on spring break at Universal Studios, and I am terrified there will be an accident on the rides, or a car accident driving there, or drunk people in the condo complex. I know I cannot control anything and I dont let it stop me, but I am worried nonetheless.

As they say SSDD, same stuff different day 

I understand those fears, it is hard to relax and not worry about our survivng children. I know I smothered my girls and I have to let them live a normal life by the constant fear of another loss can be overwhelming. I hope Kyle is enjoying spring break.

[Mason’s Mom]

3 hours ago, Lost4words2020 said:

Sometimes when I close my eyes I could still hear his voice.  Just the way he called me mom brings joyful tears to me.  I try to only remember all the good things about my son Matt.  When I bring him up at home only my husband can truly understand the pain.  Our other children don't seem to understand.  They grieve in way I also can't understand.  We are loving and supportive however it seems like a wall has been put up.  Crying, screaming, locking myself in my room does not make me feel better. Talking about Matt., expressing all the details of our relationship good or bad help.  The kids wont ever understand. I feel terrible when I bring Matt up.  They become closed off and I become defensive.  Suicide has been a "bad word" in our home.  I don't know how to fix it or if I even could.  How can I be a good mom to them when I failed Matt?  

The what ifs or what could have been different is a common thread. I lost my son 5 years ago to an undiagnosed heart disease, the most common side effect is sudden death. How as his mother did I not know? I have 2 daughters and they grieve differently, i can have open conversations with my youngest bit my oldest has closed off and doesn't want to hear about our grief. It took time but we talk about Mason and I tell my granddaughter about her uncle all the time. We are here, tell us about Matt. Ww will listen.

[Mason’s Mom]

1 hour ago, Changed said:

My dear friend Carol,    I’ve been thinking about you and everything that you will be doing right now - you must be so busy - you’re made of stronger stuff than me.      How is your daughter, granddaughter ( and your nerves ) now ?       All ok I hope.  Love Roz x 

 

Dear Lisa,   How are you ?    Have you been able to keep any dialogue going with your daughter-in-law ?   
I think that you still read here - let me know how you are managing  if you have the time.    Love Roz x

 

Dear Jackie , we are like ships in the night - you’re posting when I’m not around and visa versa.

I hope that you are coping  as best you can - what more can we do but try.

love Roz  x 

Roz, it is a very busy time. Morgan and Maggie are doing well. Not sure if strong is the right word, I just do what I can to try to keep doing something positive to honor my son. I feel like that is all I can do for him now. Your words of comfort have hwlped carry me through the darkest days of my life. Love Carol

[Lisa M.]

Hi Roz.  I have no dialog with my daughter in law.   I have spoken to her sister and have been told that her and her boys (all of which my son helped raise as his own), have turned to drugs.  I gave one of the boys my car when I got my new one so he could get to and from work.  Well, he lost his job and sold the car.  The other 2 boys have been in trouble with the law.  The are all over the age of 20 and are out of control.  My daughter in law stopped contacting me when I told her I wouldn't give her anymore money.  My son took so much pride in those boys and raising them to be good men.  He would be so disappointed in how everything is right now.  On May 12th,  it will be 2 years since I lost Don.  I still miss him like crazy and cry at the drop of a hat.  My brother in law was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer that has spread to his bones and lymph nodes.  On top of that he has just been diagnosed with   dementia.   My husband is going to Florida  to help his brothers girlfriend of 25 years get documents and the house in order while he still has his faculties.  It is very stressful for all.  I do come on everyday and read but don't always post.  I think of you all every day.  To the new comers,   welcome.  You are in the right place.  This group is some of the nicest, caring people and although we all are in different stages of our grief,  you can glean some helpful insight from everyone on here.   You are all in my thoughts and prayers.  

 

-Lisa

[Changed]

Dear Lisa , that is a grim situation with the boys - it’s so miserable to see them taking a wrong turn -  I hope that they can resist and make better choices - everyone loses if not.   
Your brother-in -law will be grateful to your husband for being there for him - all very stressful I’m sure. 
Two years since you lost Don  - like Micheal losing B.    I remember when you arrived here .    We carry our sorrow and learn how to keep it for ourselves when we are in a safe place - prepared for triggers and encounters along the way  - it makes it all the more shocking when we are caught out by the unexpected or worn down with life’s problems and our grief is on full show once again - although , of course,  it is always with us.
 

All our  longing and missing them is our pure love and  I trust that they are all safe and untroubled

look after yourself - love Roz x  

[Jacqueline3]

Hello everyone,

It is very quiet.  I am hoping everyone is hanging on as best they can.  I have  had two major breakdowns this week and am back to screaming at the heavens.  Days and nights have been harder yet, the next morning always rolls around despite my tears and heartbreak.

Dearest Roz, Happy Mothers day... I know it doesn't mean the same anymore but to our babies it does, even our David and Garrett.

Dearest Lisa, I am so sorry for more heartache.  I hope your grandsons will see this isn't the way and reach out.

Dearest Michael, How is your wife doing?

To all of those struggling, those newly on this path, those with years behind them and all in between.  I know our children and loved ones are close.   I miss my Garrett so very much but I can see my boy in so many things around me and I can feel him and sometimes on the breath of the wind, I can hear him tell me he isn't going anywhere and we will walk hand in hand through this deformed life.

I am thinking of you all, even as tears fall,

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Changed]

Well that was a different weekend.   It is uk Mother’s Day today ( Sunday) and my birthday yesterday.   My daughter came for the weekend and spoilt me.   I tried not to think too deeply about anything other than what we were doing and I put up all the cards that David had sent me over his years away  - they all seem so familiar .
I’ve never made a fuss of my own birthdays and Mother’s Day seems so commercial - especially as it’s a different day around the world.   All in all I did ok .
Hope you are all  calm .  Love Roz x 

[Changed]

Hi Jackie - we were writing at the same time.     Bummer that you’re feeling as you do .   I feel for you.  Roz x

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz,

We are writing at the same time for a change, it is good to hear from you.    Happy Belated Birthday.   I am glad you were able to spend time with your daughter.  

I am fighting clumsily and some days with little effort but still fighting.   I am so sad and weary.   Wish I could just hug my Garrett and never let go....

Love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

Jackie,  sorry you had such a bad week. That is how grief works it seems just when we think we might be getting better it comes in like a tidal wave and knocks us down. 

Roz, I thought about you this weekend.  Mother's Day is very commercial but I can't help but think back to better times when I was happy to celebrate.  Birthdays are not the easiest either.  Sounds like your daughter helped you stay busy. It is good she took the time to spoil you.

Just a few days away from this year's tournament, last minute preparations under way. This year we are planning to give 6 scholarships.  We are expanding to other area schools. 

My daughter had a plumbing emergency last Friday evening. We started making calls to get a plumber in as fast as possible.  A few hours of phone calls we made contact with a young man who just started his own business.  He came immediately and stayed until 12:30 am and got everything back in working order.  When he introduced himself he told us that he knew Mason and talked about what a big heart he had. Not only did he come and stay late he didn't charge them the normal amount.  Mason still looking out for us.

[Changed]

Carol,   that is so lovely - to have that link with Mason and sort everything out - it does feel as if it is Mason  playing  his part .

Your tournament is really expanding - I trust that you are getting lots of help and can spread Mason’s kindness all around.

love Roz x

[Changed]

Jackie,  ‘sad and weary’ sums it up - that is where grief takes us.   For me, that stays but gets put into a designated part of me and this allows me to function .   I know that the  sadness will always be with me but that the weariness may lessen as I learn to get on with this life in a more authentic way.      That’s probably not the right word but you’ll know what I mean. 
We are never going to be the same as we were - this is a certainty  and  that is a further loss to recognise .       Love Roz x

     

[Michael Rodriguez]

happy belated birthday roz!!!!! it was fathers day for us here in honduras yesterday .....naturally not for me, nikki is in portland so we just ordered some take out with nereida and had lunch just the two of us. 

she started early to work around the garden and over did it .....by teh end of the day she was exhausted. and it kills me to see such an energetic woman need help to go up a flight of stairs. ´part of the treatment .

jackie i am so sorry you are struggling so much, i had a rough week also  thinking about B. i also miss him so much , miss his "bear hugs" on special days , such as fathers day ....we might express them in different ways , but our struggles ar3e the same.

well carol, it sure does look like mason is looking out for you guys , those are the days that you feel them so close to you ....

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael,

Happy belated Father's Day.    Our struggles are indeed the same...  I hope you wife is feeling better today.  I watched my father and brother struggle under the chemo....It is a hard treatment for an insidious disease.  Thinking of you both!

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

thanks jackie , yes ,she is doing much better today ......i left a car behind hers , and she waxs all po at me for it....so i guess it is back to normal

[Changed]

Dear Michael,  that  ‘normality’ must be good to see - even if you’re having your ear chewed.

The fact that your wife was able to attempt gardening at all is so positive - knowing when to stop is essential.       My husband had an atrial flutter and had successful cardio version to pop him back into rhythm years ago - all was well until he offered to mow a neighbour’s  garden  - it was a hot ( for here !)   day and her land is very steep.     I watched him showing off - charging about up and down the hills without a break.       By the time he’d finished mowing and he came inside he was over heated with  his heart racing - it didn’t settle  back to normal  rhythm and he had to get it treated.    I’d love to say ‘ lesson learnt’ but I very much doubt it. 
love Roz x

 

 

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

i have a huge smile on my face .....am i allowed to laugh??? since B left i have changed my whole lifestyle ....have ended up losing 60 pounds ( i am 5´7" and was way over 210 lbs) i am down to 160, beard ,tatoos and exercise ....and nereida just claims that i am trying to impress some young girl..... which is not true !!!!!! so when you said he was just showing off , im just hearing nereida telling me so

[Changed]

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[Dianas Mom]

Every day I look for the new emails from this site, but haven't had any for over a week. I can't believe no-one has been on. They aren't going into the spam folder, so I am baffled. Any one else having this problem?

[NiquesMom]

Hi Diana's mom,

I know I have been stuck in my head.

It was my birthday this week, and I was doing ok until my boss brought her new baby into the office. I don't begrudge her being happy but it made me miss nique and Christopher more. Sat in my office crying on my birthday, once I start I have a hard time stopping.

Took Kyle to the Dr yesterday. Found a lump on his rib. Waiting on results of the x-ray. Probably nothing but of course I can't help but worry about bad news.

I am just tired of being sad, and no matter how hard I try to think of the positive and remember the good times, I ultimately become depressed. I don't need drugs to help it, but sometimes talking on here helps and sometimes it makes it worse. So I take breaks.

How are you doing?

[Jacqueline3]

Dear Diana's Mom,

I am sorry I have not put anything on the site.   I sat down several times.   I have been especially bad this week, missed work yesterday because i could not stop sobbing.   My husband was upset I missed work, but said nothing more to me.  I know you are suffering too, this is a heinous road we must walk and sometimes if you are like me, I just cant go anymore so I sit and I sob and I try to gather myself so I can keep going even at a rudimentary level.   I like to paint and that has helped me some... that and sitting with the beloved birds I share with my Garrett.   Talk to me... How are you doing?  I do worry about everyone here.  I lost a friend of my because she could not survive the loss of her daughter....  Please talk... I looked everyday too...  I am thinking of you and just like you I wonder how I will get the strength for the next minute... life alters on a fundamental level and our lives are shattered.   I know I have said it before but I believe with all my heart and soul that our children and loved ones are close trying to help... At times I can feel my precious boy....and at times where I am ridiculous, I swear I can hear his unique laugh with the words, "I'm here Mom, not going anywhere."     

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia,

I know you are worried about Kyle, try not to borrow trouble.   I worry about Jolene all the time, since she was in the hospital, it has been a long slow road to recovery.   I do understand taking a break, sometimes the reality of what has happened is just too much and I crumble under the pain.  Yesterday was one of the worst times I have had and I say that like  I have good days.... I do not... I have okay days in this new painful reality.    It is so very difficult when everyone else just trots along in their happiness and expects you to be that happy too, even knowing what you have been through and are still going through.   Sorry,  I cannot do that anymore, I say what is right things (and I mean them) but I cannot gush over everyone else's good news.  I do the best I can and if they do not like it, they can kiss my bum.   I sound angry, but in truth, I am not at the moment just firm in this belief.   They have not walked in these heavy, pain laden shoes so they have no right to tell me how to express myself   The sadness is my new ever present companion, it does not go away and I know in my heart it never will.    I miss my Garrett so very much and there are times that need to hold him and see his precious face is more than I can bear.    I am thinking of you.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

On 3/31/2023 at 5:33 AM, NiquesMom said:

Hi Diana's mom,

I know I have been stuck in my head.

It was my birthday this week, and I was doing ok until my boss brought her new baby into the office. I don't begrudge her being happy but it made me miss nique and Christopher more. Sat in my office crying on my birthday, once I start I have a hard time stopping.

Took Kyle to the Dr yesterday. Found a lump on his rib. Waiting on results of the x-ray. Probably nothing but of course I can't help but worry about bad news.

I am just tired of being sad, and no matter how hard I try to think of the positive and remember the good times, I ultimately become depressed. I don't need drugs to help it, but sometimes talking on here helps and sometimes it makes it worse. So I take breaks.

How are you doing?

happy belated birthday virginia !!!!! i am sure that kyle will be just fine . 

[Michael Rodriguez]

i was also wondering why it was so quiet in the grieving front!!! well at least we have no new commers .....today is april 1 and soon; 13 days from now, it will be 2 years since we lost B .

naturally i have also been down ....but trying to keep busy helps......nereida is doing real well with her chemo so at least in that front we are ok.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael,

I am glad Nereida is doing well with her treatments, that is wonderful to hear.   2 years already... seems like forever but just yesterday.   Garrett and I are at 19 months.... and eternity of loving and missing him.  I tell Garrett multiple times every day, I love him always and forever and I miss him every second of every miserable, damned day.

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

20 minutes ago, Jacqueline3 said:

Dearest Michael,

I am glad Nereida is doing well with her treatments, that is wonderful to hear.   2 years already... seems like forever but just yesterday.   Garrett and I are at 19 months.... and eternity of loving and missing him.  I tell Garrett multiple times every day, I love him always and forever and I miss him every second of every miserable, damned day.

love and hugs,

Jackie

yep, 2 years ....and i also tell him every day how much i do miss him and how much i need him, how bad i need a hug from him , and how he was so special and how i miss his smile, and all the stupid things he did 

[Mason’s Mom]

Like each of you, I watch for new posts.  I have been in a dark place for a while now, my anxiety has been on high alert.  I have felt it physically. I keep thinking I should be able to find some peace and not continue to have the dark hours and days that seem to never end.  The days are getting longer and for the most part warmer that usually helps me but it is has made little difference. I try to enjoy time with my family especially sweet Magnolia and I have to try  to push myself.

I am having Septoplasty on Monday to open my nasal passages,  I have sinus surgery about 10 years ago and it looks scare tissue is built up and is causing some breathing issues.  I had to go in for a pre-op and the blood test found I am low on potassium which could be a factor in my sluggishness. I hope the surgery helps me to breath and rest better and getting my potassium levels up will help me get back to feeling okay.

Diane's Mom, we are reading and if you need to talk please don't hesitate, someone will respond and sometimes just saying or writing our feelings helps.

Virigina, let us know what you find with Kyle.  Happy belated birthday. 

Jackie, how is Jolene?  Are you seeing more birds, I am the season change is bringing more my way. 

Michael, almost the 2 year mark wish I could say well now it will all be better as many people lead us to believe. It is different that is true, but it is something that has changed who we are and it is how we deal with the change that leads us forward. Glad your wife is doing well. 

Roz, miss hearing from you.

[Dianas Mom]

I'd like to post more often, but am too exhausted and weary all the time. Each day feels impossible to get through. The grieving takes so much out of me there's nothing left. It will be one year the 18th of this month since my daughter Diana passed. There's an emptiness inside me, a void that will never be filled, a wound that will never completely heal. The loss of our children changes us forever. Even my close relatives and friends don't mention her,  it's as if her death was a non-event. I understand that they are uncomfortable or don't know what to say, but it only makes me feel more alone. Many of you here have spoken of the same experiences and how it hurts. I want to hold her close in my arms, stroke her hair, see her smile, hear her laugh, tell her I love her.  When she died a part of me died with her. The finality of the loss of our child is a reality that we are living with. Each of us are struggling to find our way through the grief and sorrow. We are bearing the unbearable with shattered  hearts.  It has been a comfort (sadly) knowing you all understand and are walking the same path. 

Sending love and hugs

Yvonne

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Yvonne,

I hear you and I understand.   Everyone else has moved on as if you lost your car, not your child.   I do have the same experience.   No one even mentions Garrett's name as if he was not here and not a part of their lives.  It both enrages me and breaks my heart again for the millionth time.   Garrett matters to me!   He Is in my heart and on my mind every second of every day.    Posting on this site has been a blessing for me but I have to be able to think when I write, sometimes I am so lost and tired I can barely string words together except to chant, "I love you Garrett".... "I miss you Garrett".    I am so very broken .    I have been to therapy, group therapy and I always walk away feeling angry and more lost.   It is always about how to "Move on"  and "Get passed your grief".   Even the words are offensive to me.   I love my son.  He means every thing to me.   I am in pain... yes but I am also in pain for my Garret who will not have the opportunity to marry or take the Job he was looking forward to starting or grow old.    No on has mentioned that to me.... I am sad on behalf of my Garrett as well... He deserved so much more than he got.   Why does no therapist mention that?  I have lost touch with most family and friends.   My mother calls occasionally, my sister texts a generic message in the morning but that is it.   My husbands family of 6 children have yet to even reach out.     I am bitter and I am angry but not for me, for the disrespect and lack of kindness they have given to Garrett.  

I know I am rambling Yvonne, your message touched me to the core.    I have always been a strong, deal with the problems woman, but I am so broken and weary.    I just want to sleep much of the time, not that I can.  It is a very ugly road, one I wish to hell none of us were walking.   I have cried every day for the last 19 months and I do not see that stopping any time soon.   I wish I had some way to make things a little easier but the pain and need we feel is out own personal demon...  I know I need to find a way to walk with mine while I learn to walk hand in hand with my Garrett in this new unwanted life.    But know that you are not alone and we all walk along side you also trying to learn to walk within this ugly shattered life.    I hope my ramblings are making sense.

Thinking of you always,

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Yvonne,

The 18th will be a very difficult day although all of us here have had varying degrees of difficulty.   Hang on to us, we will be with you.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[LostMelissa]

It’s been a month now. I haven’t posted because I am all grief all the time. There are so many tasks and calls and other remembrances.  I thought I would be too bottled up. In fact, it turns out the opposite. I need to try to box the grief up in between periods where I’m devastated. I haven’t read as much or posted as much because of the attempt to box it up sometimes.  

[NiquesMom]

Lostmelissa, I understand that, keeping grief contained. I need to be able to function, to work and take care of kyle. But I can only keep it contained for so long. Once I start crying, I have a hard time stopping.  February I think I cried for 3 days straight.

I found Compassionate Friends helpful. They meet in person once a month, and it was nice to get to say out loud what I could not say to my husband.

I hope you have support, sometimes it is hard to find because no one knows what to say to us, when all they really need to do is listen.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Lost Melissa,

This pain and loss has a life of its own,.   Even thought it is there all the time,  it comes when and how it wants,  with utmost severity or dragging sadness or aching need or everything at once.    I have not had much luck with therapists or groups... others have.   My daughter Jolene has been my biggest support.    Missing Garrett is all consuming... I am more than certain you find the same consuming pain and need missing Melissa.   Take time to do what you need.  Despite others pulling at you, if you need to sit quietly by the birds and just be, then do it.    You need to do what is best for you, what your shattered heart and soul demands.   I have tried to attend to my pain in a way that is best for me and in a way I know Garrett would approve.    I also know with all my heart my precious Garrett is close, at times holding my hand but always trying to help.   Our love binds us across the unwanted divide.... of that I have no doubt... I have seen and felt too much to doubt it.    I am thinking of you and I am with you on this unwanted journey.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Yvonne, Virginia and Lost Melissa,

I am thinking of you all.  I was up and down all night, thinking of so many things, but wanted to let you know I am thinking of you all.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Thank you Jackie. Even if I don't post on here I think of all of you.

Got the x-ray results back, it's just kyles bone. Apparently I am now hyperaware of subtle differences because the pediatrician said she would never have noticed the lump when doing his physical exam. To me, the lump felt very large.

[Michael Rodriguez]

59 minutes ago, NiquesMom said:

Thank you Jackie. Even if I don't post on here I think of all of you.

Got the x-ray results back, it's just kyles bone. Apparently I am now hyperaware of subtle differences because the pediatrician said she would never have noticed the lump when doing his physical exam. To me, the lump felt very large.

told you he was going to be just fine !!!!!!

[Jacqueline3]

Morning to all,

I have been trying to write a little each day, something I stopped doing for a little.   I haven't been very good and I know this always helped.  I imagine there are others who need this site as I have and still need it.   It has been nineteen months and while the grief has shifted somewhat in its presence and attacks, it is still very volatile and debilitating at times.    My heart is heavy and I am forever drowning in a pit of sorrow and pain (This blackened pit has been a very real and vivid image in my mind since losing Garrett, I have recently with the help of both Jolene and Garrett, imagined myself climbing stone steps holding onto a beautiful purple rope, Garrett's favorite color).  There are times I make it several steps and times perhaps even just one, but it is something that has helped.   I have had no luck with therapists who forever talk to me about moving on and that just pisses me off and it makes me even sadder.    This is what they tell people?   How in the hell does that help?    I will not leave my son, not now, now ever.   I have been working to find ways, that feel right to me, that allow me to move with Garrett.   I said  when this tragedy first ripped my life apart, that I would not leave my son behind and I meant that.   My eldest, Jolene, has been my rock and she has been very supportive, something I have not found with most of my family and friends.   I believe finding a way to live with this pain and loss is as individual as the relationship between parent and child.    We all need to find the right personal path to walk yet I have needed the support from others (How I wish none of us were here),  who have been forced to find a way to survive after enduring the worst tragedy a parent can suffer.  I am here and I will listen, even if it is just for you to have someone say your child's name.   I love to talk about my Garrett and how he makes me laugh.   I love him, forever and always.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

I read an article today that was talking about the brain having to redraw it's neural map when you are grieving.

One sentence stuck with me, talking about how your conscious mind knows they are gone but your subconscious believes they will return (this is something we learn in infancy with self-soothing): "each time you confront these two opposing pieces of knowledge, it triggers painful grief and you yearn deeply."

It also said "you're not crazy, your brain is rewiring itself, and you need time to feel whole again, reinvent your life, and plan a different future without your beloved."

While I never thought I would have to live without nique or Christopher, I am trying to find a way to continue living.

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

36 minutes ago, NiquesMom said:

I read an article today that was talking about the brain having to redraw it's neural map when you are grieving.

One sentence stuck with me, talking about how your conscious mind knows they are gone but your subconscious believes they will return (this is something we learn in infancy with self-soothing): "each time you confront these two opposing pieces of knowledge, it triggers painful grief and you yearn deeply."

It also said "you're not crazy, your brain is rewiring itself, and you need time to feel whole again, reinvent your life, and plan a different future without your beloved."

While I never thought I would have to live without nique or Christopher, I am trying to find a way to continue living.

 

that is so true , part of me knows he will never be back and part of it is just waiting for him to show up 

[Jacqueline3]

Evening to all,

It has been long hard days once again.  My husbands brother, who has never acknowledged the loss of our Garrett has decided to visit.   Once again he did not mention Garrett's name and my heart broke anew yet he felt quite at ease to brag about what his two children were up to.    So easy for others to act like nothing has happened.    I have looked back at my life and I can honestly say I was never so inconsiderate not to mention someone else's loss.  Even a a young girl.   I always at least asked after their well being.   It is appalling to me that we as a society treat our loved ones who have had to go before us so casually and with such disrespect.   It is disheartening.   My heart is very heavy tonight and my soul is weeping in pain.

love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Jackie, I am so sorry. It hurts so much for others to not acknowledge our babies. What I have decided to do is just talk about nique and Christopher, and if it makes them uncomfortable, too bad. They are a huge part of my heart, and the last 24 years of my life. Impossible to not talk about them. 

It doesn't help to know that they will never change. It hurts anew each time they fail.

I hope you can find some peace today.

[Jacqueline3]

Thank You Virginia,

I think you are right... Garrett, Nique and Christopher are huge parts of our lives.  That fact did not just stop and I don't want it to.   They are still huge parts of our lives.   So glad to hear the good new with Kyle.  Thinking of you both.
Love and hugs,

Jackie

 

[Changed]

Jackie,  I’ve mentioned that my brother never speaks of David ( or Dave’s son ) and never asks how we are coping.     I don’t think that is surprising about him as he is an emotional coward but I’m saddened by the lack of effort.    Last month I sent him a message letting him know that I wouldn’t be hosting Easter at my house as , quite simply,  I wasn’t up to it .   That grief has taken its toll and I just don’t feel like making the effort.    I wasn’t looking for sympathy from him - it was so he knew not to plan on coming .      He got in touch immediately to see how I was and admitted that he isn’t equipped with the language skills to be able to articulate his concern  ( he is a senior lecturer  btw so his career is based in communication )      He still didn’t speak of David or grieving but  focused on my wellbeing right now - pretty much as if I’m suffering from depression  - and he was not able to get that I feel like I do because my son has died and both me and my life has changed forever.    I’ve now told him this and I hope that he can try to understand a bit.      I don’t expect that we will have deep and meaningful chats in the future - we were never particularly close - but I’m glad that I was honest .        It must have been a shock to him as I’m always the strong one to take charge when our mum was alive - dealing with all the tricky stuff that life brought - in saying that, maybe by allowing him to take a back seat in the dramas he never learnt to confront uncomfortable, difficult situations .    
I am sorry that you are not getting what you need from your relatives- if they are thinking about Garrett they probably feel that they have left it too long to say anything now and are pressing on regardless.         I always remind myself that nothing can hurt me as much as losing my child  - unkind or thoughtless acts can add to our misery but we are already dealing with the cruelest pain.    On that jolly note …. make the best you can of the weekend  .   Love Roz x 

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Everyone ,  I hope that you can all find some peace and strength this Easter.     I will be taking it easy and trying to …..I don’t know what I’ll be trying to do really ….probably try  to go with the flow and be grateful when I find something that makes me feel pleasure and not smother that feeling in guilt like I’ve done over these last years.

Did any of you hear the poem that starts….          ’ I think I will ask god why for the rest of my life and never will I understand it’           and it ends with such a true line …..         ‘ If love could have saved you you would have lived forever .’            We loved our kids with all our hearts so this line resonates with me.         I don’t know where the poem sprung from but I think it’s a modern piece

Please take care,    love Roz x

 

[Mason’s Mom]

I talk about Mason whenever I like, if it makes some people uncomfortable I am sorry however I am his mother and will be until my last breath. 

Easter was always a favorite holiday for me. So many memories as a child and with my children. I will attend church and spend time with family. I don't want to deprive Magnolia the joy of the traditional activities. I won't be hosting anything so if my emotions get the best of me I can step away.

[Changed]

Carol,  what a joy she must be - especially at special times like Easter.      Everything is so new and pure for them.     I remember taking my grandson to a church service one Easter  on our annual visit to them in Australia -  he was about three at the time and was mesmerised  .   They are catholic but this service was at a community church and was quite lively  - it was good to introduce him to the meaning of Easter and listen to him chat about it afterwards.     Precious moments.      Love Roz x 

 

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

On 4/6/2023 at 2:46 AM, NiquesMom said:

Jackie, I am so sorry. It hurts so much for others to not acknowledge our babies. What I have decided to do is just talk about nique and Christopher, and if it makes them uncomfortable, too bad. They are a huge part of my heart, and the last 24 years of my life. Impossible to not talk about them. 

It doesn't help to know that they will never change. It hurts anew each time they fail.

I hope you can find some peace today.

i do the same!!! we had some of B's friends over last nite. one of them just put a beer next to his urn so he would not be left out

[NiquesMom]

One of my favorite pics of nique at Easter. Probably 4 or 5

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Beautiful, really beautiful

 

[Mason’s Mom]

2 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

One of my favorite pics of nique at Easter. Probably 4 or 5

Beautiful, love that smile.