Loss of an Adult Child

[Mason’s Mom]

Marks, if you read some of our previous posts you will see we all have feelings of regret and wonder what we could have done differently. Our group sadly grows with new members.  Like Virginia I lost my 21 year old son 5 years ago on 12/17/17. Some of us post more often than others.  We understand and it helps us to be able to express our feelings with others who truly understand.  Everyone greives differently but we all share the deep pain of losing our children. It helps to see others who are further down the path and can offer proof that it is possible to move forward. It may take some time for the medical examiner's to get the results especially at this time of year.  I can tell you reading the autopsy results was extremely painful.  My son died of a heart disease,  most common symptom is sudden death. For weeks we had no idea what happened. 

Peace and comfort, 

Mason's Mom Carol  

[marks]

I just want to express my tremendous sorrow and pain at your own situations and thank you for taking the time to write to me.  My name is Mark, my initial of my last name is S- but Mark was taken, and i wasn't in any kind of mood to be witty or clever to think of a user name.   My son had this tibetan spaniel she is about 13.  She has never once---never---had an accident in the house. His dog started acting strange and just then my daughter called crying and I stepped outside to talk to her (she was giving me the news).  His dog---I was watching her becuase he had been in the hospital--went and looked out to see me (she has to jump on the couch to look outside) and then she peed on the couch.  When I came inside and my wife told me, I looked at the dog and I could see deep sorrow in her eyes.  I can't explain it---but she knew before any of us did.   She did 2 things she has never done--1 get on furniture, urinate on furniture.  obviously I couldn't be mad--she didn't sleep, she was restless and scratched around at a shirt i had on a chair in the bedroom to pull it down to sleep on it.  If only dogs could talk.  

Thank you all for sharing and responding. I hope I can help you in some way. 

[Changed]

Dear Mark,    I am so sorry about what has happened to your family.  It sounds so cruel for your son’s hospital to treat him that way.  My heart goes out to you all.  
I can fully imagine how scrambled your head must be right now with such an awful outcome and how it came about. 
Your grief is so fresh and raw and that is horrific enough without dealing with the circumstances surrounding your boy’s death.     Please feel very welcome here - I can promise you that we understand how torturous losing your child is and will be here for you.  Roz x

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Marks,

 I am so sorry for the loss of your boy.  It sounds like your son had a terrible run with medical professionals and I use that term lightly.  My son Garrett was in the hospital ER five time in the last month and a half.... they kept saying his was fine.  The hospitalized him the week before sent him home on Monday said he was fine and he passed a week later.  He was 22.  I can,. we all can understand your pain, your sorrow, your rage and anger.   We help each other on this horrible road we now walk.   I am so sorry. 

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[marks]

HI Jackie, I am sorry for what happened.  Its horrible.  Thankfully I have another son and a daughter.  My surviving son is an attorney but he is a very gentle and quiet guy- successful but not a grenade thrower as they say (a very aggressive attorney--thats what attorneys call those kind of attorneys).  I want a grenade thrower ---but maybe I am going thru the stages of grief.   He is still in limbo at the medical examiners office.  I just signed the cremation papers.  They said "if i want to view him before its a 395$ fee to make him look better, and another 395$ fee for a cremation container".  

I will pass.  I'm not sure I can handle that.  I don't even know when all this will take place, he is still at the ME facility.   So much guilt and so much "what if" ---but I am really grateful for my other 2---they are doing the dirty work, my daughter is a nurse practitioner and she worked in the cardiovascular icu so she is very much aware of death and they are going to his apartment and getting his things.  Then they are making all the arrangements.  I didn't ask, they just did it.  They knew it was just so overwhelming for me and I know that its hard for them too.  They were all very close as children and as adults.  

I don't want to focus on me- I just want everyone to know that I read your posts about your own situation and feel tremendous pain and sorrow.  I am incredibly sorry for everything you have gone through.  I am also very thankful for your kindness and gentleness towards me during my own trials---when you are suffering too.  I wish I could take the pain away from you.  Its so hard and I am here to help in anyway that i can.  Thank you 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Mark,

It is astounding and utterly terrifying how quickly life can change.  I do not recognize this world I live in now.  I have three children Jolene, Giliian and Garrett.  My girls had left home quite a few years ago.  One is 29,the other 26.  My Garrett would be 24 this coming January.   My husband travels a great deal.  Garrett and I did everything together.  He is my best friend.  I love and miss him so very much.  There is not a day goes by that I do not cry and wish to hear his beloved voice and laughter and see his handsome face.

Don't let yourself get caught in the what if whirlpool.  I have much guilt as well, why didn't I do this or that?  Why did I not see the odd little annoying things Garrett said about were something very serious.  The what if's will eat you alive and grief is already doing that and hindsight is always 20/20.   Garrett was born with an abnormality to his liver, We knew nothing about it, no one did nor did anyone look all the times I took him to the doctor. When it reared its head and showed itself, it was too late, it had turned his blood acidic and was shutting down his organ systems.

It is a hell of a road, Garrett left us on my 60th birthday.  It has been a year and four months now.  I still cry every day and scream my pain(that I do not do quite as much) but I still can.  My boy loved to listen to the birds when he first woke in the morning.... after he passed, a plethora of robins permeated our yard, the tree outside of my sewing room was  full of birds.   I have found some measure of peace with the small feathered creatures.   Inevitably in my darkest moments I will cry out to Garrett and a bright red cardinal will appear, despite one not being anywhere near before.  I have since put out feeders and my husband finished a bench Garrett and I had been working on to place along my special tree where I can sit with Garrett and his birds.  There are many that come at the oddest times or do the strangest things.  That is my boy... I can feel him.  One day I cried and sobbed that even the beautiful birds were not enough... the next morning I was greeted with a giant wild turkey casually banging on my living room window...(We have never seen a turkey in our yard in the 21 years we have lived here)  That is exactly the kind of thing my Garrett would do.  I could almost hear him saying...."How is this Mom!"  God, I love and miss my Garrett!!

I have said it many times, I am not a religious person but a spiritual one... Our children are close, I believe that to the bottom of my broken soul.  They are close and trying to help us   It is the love we share that binds us together even beyond this sudden barrier.  Hold tight to your love for your child and he will hang tight to yours.

Love and Hugs to you and your family,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

So last night kyle is crying himself to sleep, and he tells me i made the wrong decision in not letting him stay until the end. I told him my job is to protect him, and i am sorry if I made the wrong decision but I did not want him to have that as the last image of his dad. 

I am so tired of feeling like I did everything wrong. I told him I tried my best and that I hope he never has to make these sort of decisions. 

I know its just a hard time, and I am glad he is talking to me about his feelings, but man it cuts me down when he tells me he wishes I did it differently. 

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia,

You did the right thing.   It is hard enough as adults to witness someone slip away.no matter how it happens.... Kyle wants to be there now but I think as he matures perhaps has children of his own, he will understand you did the right thing, the best for him and you.  I am so sorry Virginia you have been his with negativity from multiple places... You have done the best you could in horrible situations that have no right or wrong.   I support your decision and i support you. 

Thinking of both you and Kyle...

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Dustins Mom]

Oh sweet Virginia - one day he will understand more fully and be able to understand why you made the decision you did. When my husband passed away in a car accident (that I happened to drive up on the scene of) and they told me he had already been declared deceased at a local hospital, my immediate knee-jerk reaction was that I didn’t want to see him broken like that. I was so afraid I’d never get that image out of my head for the rest of my life! And I didn’t want to remember my beautiful man like that. In my mind his soul had already left his body anyway.  11 years later and I would probably rush to the hospital to say my goodbyes. But I have no choice but to live with the decision I made. I honestly feel like it was my husband trying to protect me from that extra bit of agony. I don’t know and don’t know if I’ll ever know. I didn’t let my sons go see him at the hospital either. For the same reason. 
The whole point is that we can’t beat ourselves up for the decisions we make under extreme duress. We’re just human and trying to do the best we can. Please remember you did what felt like the right thing at the time. Sending you my love ❤️ - Angie 

[Shel]

Hello Mason’s mom, I have not been on this site for quite a while. It’s Blake’s mom Shel, it’s been a year and a half and the pain as if it happened yesterday the holidays were horrible and his birthday is on January 4. Blake always called me one minute after New Year’s right now. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I don’t know if this will ever get easier. Seems to get harder at times I know you’re feeling the same pain I am and I know you understand everything. I feel at this moment and other moments as well when I used to write on this forum!

Blake, we would’ve been 32 on January 4. I want to smell him hold him hug one more time! Feeling horrible tonight!

[NiquesMom]

Angie, I get that. When Nique died, she was outside our apartment complex but I had no idea. I raced to the hospital, but she had been dead for hours by that point. I believe she did not want me to see her at the time of impact. She saved me from that. At the hospital it almost looked like she was sleeping so I know the last image could have been a lot worse. Things work the way they are meant to. We just can't always see it.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Shel,

It is Jackie, you were one of the first people to reach out to me when I lost my Son, Garrett.  You talked about Blake and I talked about Garrett.   Garrett's birthday is January 17, He would be 24.  It does seem to get worse, At times I find myself chanting, "I cannot do this anymore, I don't want to" while I am sobbing and screaming... today was one of those days.  This nightmare feels like it began yesterday yet at other times it feels like an eternity since I have been drowning in this ugly cesspool.   I too want to smell my son, hear his laughter, his voice, feel his big bear hugs and hear him say... "Hey, Mom, can I borrow you for a minute?"  I too have had the wish to sleep and not wake up, for this nightmare to be over.. You are not alone Shel... I feel and hear your pain, it mirrors my own.  I wish I had a snippet of helpful advice, I do not... Just know that the horrible, at times unbearable  pain you are feeling I am sharing with you... we all are sharing with you.   Keep talking Shel, I will listen...  we all will...  It sure as hell is not easy but we are with you...

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

4 hours ago, Shel said:

Hello Mason’s mom, I have not been on this site for quite a while. It’s Blake’s mom Shel, it’s been a year and a half and the pain as if it happened yesterday the holidays were horrible and his birthday is on January 4. Blake always called me one minute after New Year’s right now. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I don’t know if this will ever get easier. Seems to get harder at times I know you’re feeling the same pain I am and I know you understand everything. I feel at this moment and other moments as well when I used to write on this forum!

Blake, we would’ve been 32 on January 4. I want to smell him hold him hug one more time! Feeling horrible tonight!

Shel, I wish I could be there to offer you my shoulder to cry on. I am here to listen and understand. I think we are all told that time heals and we tell ourselves that if we make it a week, a month or a year we will somehow be better. When we reach those milestones and we  are still  hurting it seems like we must be doing something wrong. We learn to cope and to smile and even laugh so take it from someone 5 years in, it will always be simmering below the surface but I think I am still here to offer support and understanding.  Mason would expect that of me. I have a hard time  with New Years celebrations as it seems a cruel reminder of who isn't here to start a  New Year. As the 2023 arrives I think Blake still wants you to remember those calls and cherish that beautiful memory. This time of the year with his birthday approaching is even more difficult. I  hope you are not  alone and can share some memories with others,  if not tell us all about Blake. I want to get to know both of you 

.

[Mason’s Mom]

5 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

So last night kyle is crying himself to sleep, and he tells me i made the wrong decision in not letting him stay until the end. I told him my job is to protect him, and i am sorry if I made the wrong decision but I did not want him to have that as the last image of his dad. 

I am so tired of feeling like I did everything wrong. I told him I tried my best and that I hope he never has to make these sort of decisions. 

I know its just a hard time, and I am glad he is talking to me about his feelings, but man it cuts me down when he tells me he wishes I did it differently. 

 

Virginia,  you did what you felt was best for Kyle. He is trying to work through his loss and he doesn't understand all the pain and how you protected him. As he grows and matures he will come to understand. Just keep listening and letting him know how much he is loved. That is the best thing we can do for our children.  Love them  unconditionally. 

[Shel]

Dear Mason’s mom, you always know the right words, and I thank you for that! Everything you say is right on! I am so glad that I am back on this site and I was able to touch base With you once again,  Mason and Blake will be in my heart and in my mind all day today. I hope they’re up there together looking down on us smiling that we have once again connected and that we are here for each other. Sending lots of hugs! Shel( Blake’s mom) - I will be back on the site later cause I want to tell you, Mason’s mom,  and everyone all about my son Blake it makes me feel good when I can speak about him instead of tears, it brings me a smile!

[marks]

I signed the cremation papers.  The medical examiner released him---as the mortuary says "we brought him into our care".  I would prefer "we picked him up."  But---they do what they do/say what they say.  I looked at urns.  They were like 500-1000$ for a stoneware or glass jar.  I looked on amazon- exact same brand, exact same items for 1/10th the price.  Keep that in mind if you know someone who loses someone and opts for cremation.  

I keep having these feelings like I should go see him.  They are waiting for the permit to cremate.  I think I mentioned that they want like 400$ to fix him up, and another 400-500$ for a container---(a cardboard box).  its not about the money- its about the carnival atmosphere they create that everything is overpriced and they get you at a vulnerable time.  

But I think I should go- because once that permit is issued, I wont have another chance.  THen I think- he has been gone for 8 days and after the medical examiner I don't know  if I could handle that.  they said they will fix him up- but still- its one thing to see a stranger, but a loved one- wow, I am just torn.  I think I just have to let him go---and remember the good things, and remember him as he was vs what I would see if I saw him now.  Its hard enough- and that might just make it impossible.  we might have done a traditional burial if he were released right away but this is taking a long time.  I am really torn what to do.  The decision is final- if I dont go the decision will be made, and if I go- I might regret it.  Thanks everyone for your help with this very difficult time.  I appreciate all the love and understanding and hope I can give back.  

[Diane R]

Marks, we were faced with the same decision. Our son had passed several days before from a sudden cardiac arrest. My husband and two adult sons decided we wanted to see him. The mortuary fixed him up a bit for us. Really he looked pretty good if that’s possible…. It was excruciating and painful (and I am crying as I write this) but all of us were glad that we did it. For us, we were paying him homage and saying our goodbye. I don’t think there is a right or a wrong here so you should do as you see best in this moment. I will say that the whole scene of going there, seeing him and all does return to me as a reoccurring image and memory. That rocks me to the core every time, but I still wouldn’t have done it any differently. Lending you support and love!

[Changed]

Mark,  Everyone here handled this part differently either through choice or circumstances.   My son , David , died whilst living in Australia - I live in the uk - i didn’t get to see him .     My husband and I travelled over there and we had a private service with his ashes that meant something to the ones who loved him.    I try not to think about anyone handling his body after he died but I’m not sure exactly why .  Personally, I believe that our bodies are a shell and something far more important goes on after we die .  

Deciding what you will do about viewing is very personal.   I remember when my dad died whilst on holiday - once finally returned home  my mum had the undertakers prepare for viewings - she needed to go for her own peace of mind that dad was actually in the cask that she’d brought back - my brother wanted to see him too but I didn’t - I’d seen him hours before he went on holiday and I wanted that memory.      If someone had been a long time in pain it may help to see them at peace - as if sleeping .   Some folk absolutely need that confirmation that their loved one is at peace and safe.    I understand that you don’t want to be left with regret if you go or if you don’t  - just don’t feel that either way is right or wrong - 

i don’t want to overwhelm you with more to think about - it’s such an awful decision to be having to make.   Strength to you, Roz
 

[Dustins Mom]

15 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

Angie, I get that. When Nique died, she was outside our apartment complex but I had no idea. I raced to the hospital, but she had been dead for hours by that point. I believe she did not want me to see her at the time of impact. She saved me from that. At the hospital it almost looked like she was sleeping so I know the last image could have been a lot worse. Things work the way they are meant to. We just can't always see it.

What I didn’t mention was that after not seeing my husband after his accident and slowly coming to regret it, when my son Dustin died in May, the policewoman called to let me know he had been found face down in his bedroom and was already deceased. She let me know I could come see him before the coroner arrived if I wanted to. This time there was no hesitation. I jumped in my car, picked up my older son, and we both went to his home and were able to hug him and say our goodbyes, even though he was face down and we couldn’t really see his whole face. I have struggled with that image but I have learned how to replace that image with one of him smiling instead. It’s hard enough for me to believe he’s gone even today as I write this, but I am at peace with the decision I made at the time. But dear God I don’t know why they were both taken so young. My husband was only 54; my son was only 39. Now I’m left to constantly try not to worry about the fate of our older son.  He has lost so much too and it hurts so deeply to know the pain he must be carrying with him and not be able to make it any better for him.
I know you must feel the same about Kyle. Hoping we can both find some peace in this world we’ve been left to navigate without 2 of our most important people. 
🙏🏼 - Angie 

[Mason’s Mom]

Mark, follow your heart.  Everyone has different ways of coping and grieving.  I saw my son in the ambulance and he was still warm , I  hope that isn't too much information.  I still have times of PTSD and it plays like an endless loop in my mind.  We got the call that he wax unresponsive and that EMTs were on their way. They performed CPR and couldn't revive him. We had a funeral and burial,  I get flashes of memories from the visitation and service but don't remember everything.  I think that is my mind trying to protect my heart. Some people need, to see their loved ones for closure, so again follow your heart. 

[marks]

Thank you---my son lived with a friend who was a nurse practitioner.  I had texted him (my son) all day without response.  I was going to go find out if he was OK.  At 445 my last message said "read".  I assumed, "ok---he is ok."  His roommate got home at 5-515.  I was called at 6.  So between 445 and 5 to 515 he died.  That is what haunts me- is I should have gone over there, I could have taken him or called for an ambulance.  

I have to let it go.  I will have to remember him happy because this grief and guilt wont bring him  back .   I found out that the mortuary got the cremation permit.  So they said they are waiting to hear if they can do it today or have to wait until next week.  The sooner the better as far as I'm concerned.  I have some really bad thoughts of him laying there deteriorating and I have to let them go.  I think once this is done I will feel better.  Thank you everyone for your thoughtful and honest answers.  Thank you 

[Dustins Mom]

Oh Mark I’m so sorry you’re having to live through this agony. My heart goes out to you. It may show up in pieces but it’ll be there. My son died in May of this year and all I can think of today is that by leaving 2022 behind I’m somehow leaving him behind too. 
All I can advise you to do is follow your heart, that inner voice whispering in your ear. 🙏🏼❤️

[Michael Rodriguez]

mark's i am so sorry for all your suffering. we originally burried my son but about 4 months after , my wife and i decided that we wanted him cremated and bring him back home. you have no idea how many times, mostly on rainy nights i would drive and park my self in fron of the cemetery , crying my heart out because i felt he would be cold and soaked , which of course it was not happening. i would visit him dfuring the week but saturdays i would leave work around 3:00 pm, stop at a concvenience store , buy a couple of beers (one for him and one for me) and smoke a couple of cigarretes (i am not a smoker neither was he) but i found it relaxing ....and i stayed at the cemetery until they kick me out .......now i get to say good morning everyday before i leave for work and good night before i go to sleep .....kiss the urn and remind him how much i do love him. 

i could not ever see him afdter he passed , i saw him all thru the night at the ICU all full of tubes , but i just could not bear see him after he passed.

this was when he first got him home with the urn that was supplied by the cremation people.....we bought a really nice one at amazon .....and it has been fixed much more.

 

[NiquesMom]

Mark, my daughter died 12/21 (a thursday night) and I remember being so frustrated that she would have to stay in the morgue over christmas because it was the weekend and then the holidays so nothing could happen until the 26th. I dont know why I thought it would be better for her to be at the mortuary. But I didnt want her alone in the morgue.

The guilt is hard. If I had only.....what if I.....i should have......we all feel this and after 5 years I still feel it. Not everyday but this holiday has been especially hard.

I saw this poem today one FB and it sounds nice, I believe its true

[Shel]

Hello Jackie! This is Blake’s mom, Shel, of course, I remember reaching out to you when you lost Garrett! I felt your pain then, as I feel it now!  Jackie,  you and Mason’s mom have been so kind to me,  Even when we’re feeling the exact same pain, I am there for you as well. I love hearing Garrett’s name and Mason’s name! Our children should be remembered by saying their names and telling stories,  good ones and funny ones, and everything about them to keep their memories alive!

[Dustins Mom]

Hi Shel - my name is Angie and I’m Dustin’s Mom. I’ve only been here for a few months - my son (age 39) died unexpectedly in May of this year so I’m not sure we’ve met yet. I’m so sorry we’re both here at all. And I’m so sorry about Blake. 💔

[Shel]

Hi Angie, this is shell, Blake’s mom – I am so sorry For your loss of Dustin! Blake passed away June 16, 2021. I got that horrible phone call that no parent ever wants to receive and I was alone at the time and nothing in my life has been the same. I know the pain you’re feeling and And want to hear more about Dustin what he was like anything you’d like to share and I’ll do the same. Everybody on this site is Suffering we all have some good days and very bad days, but we’re all here for each other! We all belong to a group that we never wanted to join 😞

[Lisa M.]

Marks,  there was no hesitation in my decision to go see Don before they cremated him.  I needed to see him one more time and tell him I love him.   I told him I  will see him again.   Was it hard?   Excruciating.....but I'm glad I did it.

 

NiquesMom,  thank you for sharing the poem.   It is beautiful.  

 

Thinking of you all..  Love, Lisa (Don's mom)

[marks]

Hi Michael and Niques mom---its been an incredibly rough ride.  My son was in the medical examiners from the 22nd until this past mid week- but then in the mortuary waiting for a permit for cremation.  So that will take place next week.  I wont go into the pain and frustration- you know all too well what that is like.   I asked the mortician yesterday about it (cremation) and if I wanted to see him could i and she said "yes, but you need to let us know so we can prepare him for you to visit".  I asked her how most families handle that situation ---seeing a loved one 10 days after death/autopsy and she answered very vaguely- like they always do.  Like when she picked him up from the ME office, it wasn't "I picked him up", it was, "he was brought into our care today".  So she answered like, "Its a personal time for families and some choose to have that memory and others don't"  what I wanted to hear was, "he looks good or bad so I do/don't recommend it"---but you never get a straight answer from them except how much you owe----I dont mean to sound flip or disrespectful they have actually been very helpful- but I just want some information to make a decision.  Its one of those things that if i dont do it or cant decide then I will never have the opportunity- but I need information and maybe no one can give it to me.  My feeling is he has had enough done to him so I don't want anyone doing more to his body so I will pass.  

I have the urn, and am ready to take it down there when they tell me.  They charge 50$ to put it in the urn----and I don't want this to sound like its about money- but some families can't afford all this and to them 50$ is a struggle that they shouldn't have to endure----thankfully we can but I find it annoying that every little thing costs----

Thank you for being so thoughtful and for sharing your feelings and advice with me.  I am hoping to get over this---not forget him but get to the point where its not so incredibly difficult.  Thank you---

[Michael Rodriguez]

mark´s . im getting close to 2 years since B passed.....there is no way you will always forget him , everything reminds you of them .....songs, shows, pictures .....they are a part of you .....our kids are our greatest accomplishmernt. we love them just as much as we did the day they were born !!!!

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Mark,

I had plans to see Garrett before the cremation but we did have an autopsy and it was well over a week before he was taken to the funeral parlor. The gentleman that dealt with us and Garrett at the funeral home recommended that we did not see him because nothing had been done to preserve his body.   He said it was our choice but his recommendation would be no because he did not look the same.and there was only so much they could do..  We did not go, I thought I would regret taking his suggestion but I did not want to remember Garrett other than he was and I already had the memories for the medical center to handle.  My boy looked entirely different from the time I told him I loved him at the hospital and I saw him again at the medical center after they airlifted him..  I could not fly with Garrett (which tore me apart) and when I walked into the room to kiss him again, I knew my boy was gone.... Go with your instincts... my heart is with you in your decision.... none of those we make now are easy.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

Michael is right Mark... You don't forget in fact everything becomes more vivid and treasured.

[Mason’s Mom]

Thought this might help someone

When your child dies, the idea of a new year can be hard. It actually took me by surprise.

The idea of 2023 being your "best year ever" or "a fresh start" or "the happiest yet" may make you want to vomit.

My first couple of NYEs were spent sobbing on the couch at midnight.

I felt like I was I was leaving him in the past... and so focused on the fact I was about to enter a year he never existed in.

The new year was also a reminder of just how much time had passed since we were last physically together.

It signified the future I didn't want to envision... a life we didn't choose.

It can feel extra heavy as the world around us celebrates the passage of time and focuses on the happy, shiny, hopeful new year.

So, I challenge you to change the narrative!

👉 This day (and tomorrow) are just like every other day without them. Nothing changes!

👉 We always think of them, honor them, carry them with us... we never leave them behind.

👉 Remind yourself they still exist... even in our 2023... not the way we want, but they are here.

Time is a man-made thing. Our kids exist beyond it... and in means nothing to them.

So, set an intention for this upcoming year. What do you want or need it to be?

Some good suggestions... more self-care, self-compassion, grace, peace... less stress.

Take a small step toward creating a life you can show up in and live.

This year, I'm setting an intention... but it's really the same intention I set for myself daily.

Keep taking steps toward...

Reconnecting with myself
More authenticity in how I live
Embracing both grief AND life 
Strengthening my connection with Cameron
Putting more love into the world

But I simplify it.

People like to choose a word for their year... well I have 3 words that signify the life I want and need: Authenticity, Balance, and Love.

If something or someone doesn't help me do that... It's a no for me!

What do you want for yourself in 2023?

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Carol,

You beat me to it.  I am sitting here on New Years Eve, feeling exactly that way.... another milestone that places me further away from the time Garrett and I stood physically side by side as tears run freely down my face and my heart breaks into yet smaller pieces.   Your words are eloquent and there is hope there.  Thank you for your encouragement.  I am still hopeless, still wondering how the hell this all happened and still screaming  and cursing the heavens.  But at the same time I have the precious birds my Garrett sends and today guess who joined me outside under the tree.... that damned big turkey.  Never seen one in our yard in the 22 years we have lived her and now this damned giant 'chicken" has shown up 3 times....

I will help support you in your goals Carol... for me I would like to be able to begin to circle my grief and show it for the love for Garrett that it is.   Find some foothold or handhold to help pull myself from drowning in this endless sea of pain.  I would like to build whatever continued relationship I can with Garrett through this forced divide.  Loving and supporting his beautiful birds is a start.   He is my son, my baby and I love him forever and always.

Love and Hugs to all on this night.

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

Jackie, I didn't write those words but it expressed exactly how I feel and where I want to be.

[Shel]

Dearest Carol, Jackie, and Angie,

I too am alone on this difficult News Year Eve but I am thinking of all of you!  Our children are with us on this long night as they are each and every other night!  My tears never seem to dry up, always crying, hoping one day the pain may dull but I can’t let it go, never will!  

[marks]

Its been 10 days now, it feels like yesterday.  HIs little Tibetan Spaniel gets really frightened with fireworks and with holidays they have them for sale and it sounds like a war zone.  He used to curl her up in a blanket and hold her all night so she wouldn't be so frightened.  Here it is new years eve, and she has me and my wife.  I will try to comfort her- but she has been inconsolable.  she obviously knows.  She isn't eating.  We got another one and she is mine- the opposite personality.  So now, I feed the 2 of them and mine eats two meals.  I have to get his dog Rosie to eat----she will eventually die.  My daughter put a death notice on one of the obituary sites- its very nice.  It has like 700 views----50 of them are me- but I'm glad others are seeing it.  Legacy is expensive and has way too many celebrity ads---to get you to click on the latest celebrity obit- its a big operation.  My daughter used a different one- its free- its very nice.  

I will have his ashes next week, on ghost hunters once I saw a house that had some strange things and it was the daughter who died---I hope he comes here.  

I hope everyone has a really great new year.  I'm truly sorry for everyone's pain on this site.  I feel it when I read your stories or your advice.  Thank you for the love and kindness you have showed me.  When i get a little better I hope to do the same for all of you.  

[NiquesMom]

Marks, my daughter and my husband have both visited me. My son gets sad because he says they havent visited him. Its not often but everytime it boosts me a bit. You just have to watch i think. I also have a friend with abilities who has connected with both of them and lots of my questions have been answered. Doesnt make me miss them Amy less but helps to try to understand the "why".

For all of us I hope the new year brings a lightness to our hearts and peace in our lives.

Kyle and I are playing card games and listening to christmas music. Just trying to enjoy each others company.

Love to all

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Shel,  I have sat on the bench Garrett and I started (my husband finished it and put it by my bird tree) and vowed to Garrett that I will not live this life without him.  It is a vow I will keep, I could swear I heard my precious boy say he wasn't going anywhere, a whisper on the wind.  He and I will walk the rest of my life together, certainly not the way either of us planned or wanted but I will not do this without him and I believe he is with me.  There are too many signs that Garrett is close, for me not to believe that.   I am a spiritual person and  I do believe from the bottom of my soul our children are close and trying to help us.  I am like you Shel, there has not been one day since I lost my precious Garrett that I have not cried until I could barely breathe.  I love him forever and always and I miss him every second of every day.

Dearest Mark,  Perhaps holding her and feeding her a little by hand telling her that while he wants to be with her, your son cannot (I am sorry that I do not know your son's name.  I looked back but I could not find it, I am sorry that I do not call him by name)  I know some believe animals do not understand.   I think they do... Our dog Petes  went to Garrett's room for a long time looking for him.  He knows.

Dearest Carol, the word you wrote , while perhaps not your own, were delivered to offer peace and comfort and they are still beautiful.  Thank you.

Dearest Virginia, I agree with you..  Watch, listen and both of those things are not fucking easy when we are hurting so damned bad.  but I know our children are close.  I believe the connections are a unique and special as our children and spouses. It is the love we share that crosses the divide and keep us together.  I have no scientific evidence and I am not one to spout my believes unless it is important,and I have no doubts whatsoever.  Our love keeps us close.

I am thinking of you all,

Much love and hugs;

Jackie

.

[NiquesMom]

This is what I will try this year

[marks]

I am building a house.  We have been working on it for a few months.  We have some work done like concrete, framing, roof, etc-and I did plumbing, am doing electrical and will do ac- (I have an ac business).  I have to work sometimes---(do real work for customers) but I am struggling to get motivated.  I can go work on my house because its easy to lose myself and focus on getting things done.  Obviously i cant just leave my business alone for long- I do have other workers who are handling the day to day service calls but for my own financial and mental health- eventually I need to work again.  

My son had some issues for a while- I was going to build a small guest house in the back for him.  I had put a sewer and water pipe out of the main house when the foundation was poured, to connect to the guest house----and could easily do electric when the time came.  Now I just look at it and it is hard.  My new neighbor across the street has some new puppies.  they were whimpering and I said "hey I hear some puppies" and my wife said "I dont want a new puppy right now"--she knows me too well.  The neighbor was in the house---but---we will see.  Obviously I want one.  

I think tomorrow my son will be cremated.  Its been long enough laying in a cold dark unwelcoming place.  I will be happy to get this part of it behind me.  I appreciate everyones kindness, understanding and love.  I hope I can provide the same to all of you as I get a little better.  Thank you for helping me and making this a little easier.   Its a really great site and I couldn't imagine meeting greater people---who are compassionate, understanding, tolerant and wow--thank you all.  with love- MARK  (NO S).  My last name starts with S--lol.  

[Dustins Mom]

Hi Mark - thank you for sharing your heart with us. You can only follow your heart on when to go back to work, maybe ease back in gently, but for now it sounds like you’re doing exactly what you need to be doing.                I don’t know that everyone understands what a terrible trauma it is to our hearts, to our souls and to our bodies to lose a child. Give yourself as much time as you can afford. I lost my son last May and still have his car parked in the driveway. I’ll eventually deal with it but for now it comforts me to see it there. Wishing you love and light at this dark time in your life. - Angie 

[Mason’s Mom]

Mark, dogs and pets definitely have feelings and they know when their human is gone. We have 2 of Mason's dogs and I don't know how we will handle it if we lose them. 

[Diane R]

So the holidays have passed. I did my part to put on a smile though I was crying inside. It’s a new year but it feels just like the last year; reminding me that my son has now been gone for over two years. I know you’re supposed to pull yourself up and carry on for others in your family, but what if you can’t? What if there’s nothing ahead but this intolerable pain? What if you just don’t want to fight to get up in the morning in order to wander aimlessly through the day so you can fight to be able to sleep at night? I’m just so tired of the struggle. 
Diane

[NiquesMom]

Mark: I lost my husband and our family dog the same week in june. I knew I couldnt commit to another dog or cat but the house was so quiet so kyle and I got a pet rat. Not perfect but gives us something to focus on besides our grief. A puppy is a lot of work but I understand wanting to bring a little happy in the home. 

I went back to work 2 weeks after Nique died. I had no choice because we have bills to pay. I cried nonstop. I would go to my car to cry. I hid in the stairwell and the file room to cry. I would say gove yourself as much time as you are able and take as many breaks as you can. 

Diane: I understand everything you said. It feels as if we are just marking time until we get to seen our lovely children again. I cant imagine having to do this the rest of my life. I thought by now I would be in a better place. For me I just remember kyle needs me too pretend because he is just a kid and deserves the best childhood i can give him. Can you find that one reason to want to keep pretending?

As we start this new year I hope we all can find moments of peace. Watch for the signs from our loved ones. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Diane,   I do understand what you are saying.  I am 16 months since I hugged and kissed Garrett and heard his voice and laugh and honestly I am in a worse place now then I was in the beginning and I do not see how that is even possible.  I give you credit for putting on a smile over the holidays... I did not even do that.   I hear you the struggle of pain, to get up, to get through the day and to sleep... all I want to do much of the time is roll in on myself and just scream and sob my misery.   I too am tired of the constant fight with the pain and sorrow, yet I keep trying to remind myself, I wouldn't feel this way if I'd not been blessed with a wonderful son and everlasting love for my boy and him for his old Mom.   It helps in moments and then my boy will send that damned fat turkey or last night as I sat out side a giant barn owl decided to visit, I have never even seen a barn owl in person.  

I don't know Diane, how we are supposed to walk this life with this crippling pain., No matter if your beliefs are religious or spiritual, it is a horrendous, debilitating  sorrow that no one should have to endure.  I have found the only thing that helps  me for short moments in time is knowing my Garrett is close.  I do  believe as much pain as that bond of love generates it also binds us to our blessed children.   I am walking with you Diane.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Diane,

I looked out the window shortly after writing to you and low and behold.... this is what I saw...  That damned turkey at mine and Garrett's bench.  I woke up in a very ugly mood this morning, crying, despondent... and this damned bird showed up.  First time I saw him, (this is the fourth)... was when I cried to Garrett even the birds weren't helping... I was sinking.  The next morning this lovely bird was pecking big as you please on my livingroom window (My window sit low to the ground).  that is exactly the kind of humor my son has....  It helped me to pull up some this morning, I hope it can help someone else as well.  Our children are close...

love and hugs to all

Jackie

[Diane R]

Thanks for your words everyone.  I wish I had a sign from Dan like you have Jackie.  For two weeks after he passed there was a huge 6 pointer deer that kept coming to our house at night.  I could walk up to 10 feet from him and he never stirred from his laying down position.  The deer has not returned since. I hear the despondency of all of you.  The incident with the Buffalo football player threw me over last night.  The morning that our son had his heart attack he had gone to the gym, returned home, layed down on his couch and never got up.  The autopsy pointed to a sudden cardiac event, much like the football player.  If only someone had been with Dan, maybe he could have been saved.  That thought just rips through my very being....

Diane

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Diane,

I know your Dan is close.  the deer is proof of that.... I know he is with you.  I call the signs I see as words from Garrett, sometimes they are grand sometimes small but each and every one is precious and wanted...I believe those words  come in every form imaginable, as individual as our children and us... I believe that.   I have long ago separated from organized religion but not from my spiritual beliefs.  I have always believed love it the strongest gift we possess.  I think the powerful, pure love we share with out children binds us beyond this unwanted separation.   I do believe this from the bottom of my tattered, broken, heart and soul..  In all the ugliness and pain, and feeling as if I will never draw a normal breath again that is one belief that has never wavered for me.  I believe in the love I share with Garrett and I believe in my boy.    I am rambling and I am sorry, I am by no mean an expert of anything, I am just saying what I believe.  I hope that glimmer of hope in something we don't understand will help in times when we cannot go anymore.  My daughter has often recited her favorite words from author Jack Kerouac...."One day I will find the right words and they will be simple."    The words I have found in the horrific tragedy are simple.... "I Believe."

Love and hugs to all,

Sorry for rambling.

Jackie  .

[Changed]

Dear Mark , thinking about you and your family today and all that you will be going through .   I hope that everything goes as smoothly as it can do .    Roz x 

[Changed]

Dear Lisa,  how did your Christmas go?   It seems to highlight all that we have lost  - all that good cheer and celebration can leave us very ‘odd man out’ with our own  thoughts.  Roz x