Loss of an Adult Child

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Carol, I am thinking of you.  I do not know any details of what Roz has referenced but I do hope as well that Mason did not.  I often think of Garrett and the same question and worry crosses my mind and torments my soul.  Thinking of you and holding your hand..

love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Carol, my love to you today. I want to believe Mason and Nique are in heaven together cheering us on. I know mason is sending love to you all.

[Changed]

Virginia,  I’ve been thinking about how you will be managing and how you’ll be dreading tomorrow .

Your wonderful Nique is, as always, on your mind but try not to ‘flash back’ to five years ago too often - there is a phrase ‘look but don’t stare’  relating to past traumas - I try to remember that so I don’t over dwell on the worse things that have happened in my life.    Unavoidable on certain dates, I know.

love to you,  Roz x 

[Changed]

Carol,   You are very quiet.  I did write to you at the bottom of the last page when you were facing Mason’s Angel date - I hope I didn’t say anything to make it worse.      Mason is still your beautiful son with his heart of gold and I hope that you can feel his love for you and all you do in his name to help you through.   Love Roz x 

[Jacqueline3]

Dear Roz,

I like that phrase... Look but don't stare.   I woke up reliving the last day I took Garrett to the ER.  I have a heavy pressure in my chest and heart and it is an effort not to sit in a corner and sob.  It is so very difficult but good advice.  Carol, Virginia, I am thinking of you both.

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, I  saw  your message. Your words are  a comfort,  last week was a struggle and my heart was so heavy I tried to stay as busy as possible to keep from spinning out of control.  I have often wondered if I let my guard down and didn't work at controlling my emotions if I would completely go under and never resurface. 

Jackie,  thank you for the kind words  as well. I know this time of year is  difficult for you as it for all us. I hope you have some memories of Garrett to brighten the darkness. 

Virginia,  I sure hope Mason and Nique are in heaven together.  Maybe they brought us together. I have been thinking about you and Nique,  I  know  this  year has been really hard for me,  FIVE years. For  you it has been so much worse.  You are are strong person and Kyle has such a good role model. 

[NiquesMom]

Here it is. 4am and I can't sleep. My mind keeps moving. The last Christmas on 12/16 because we were going out of town. Nose kisses when she went back to bed. Fighting with her on 12/19 because she wouldn't return her dads call and he was calling me. She came home sick on 12/20 from work so I let her sleep the morning of 12/21 (normally I woke her up to have her lock the door and would hug her goodbye). Took kyle to the library because we were going out of town. Watched Survivor finale with christopher as she lay dying. Kyle had my phone so i missed the call from her coworker. Police never called me, I got the phone number from her coworker. The hospital told me to come down. Couldnt get out of our apartment complex because of all the cop cars. Prayed and prayed and prayed all the way to the hospital. Sat next to her and ran my fingers thru her hair. Remember getting blood on my hand.

If I had changed any of those decisions, would she still be alive? What if I didn't jaywalk with her that weekend? What if I had suggested she stay home thursday as well? What if I had my phone on me when the coworker called?

What is the purpose of life? Is it to make others happy? Did I make her happy? I made so many mistakes. I was so young when I had her and had no idea what I was doing.

I wish I could go back in time. I wish she was still here. I wish, I wish, I wish......

FIVE YEARS

My heart is forever broken.

Right now I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. I am tired of being sad and broken and just marking time. I try to be here for kyle, and i know I do ok, but he deserves a whole family. Not this broken shell that I am.

[Changed]

My dear friend Virginia,   I’m hurting for you on what is a very painful day - it does seem too much to keep going at times and this last year must have swamped you.    This day and it’s run up is always going to be rough and at the moment , sadly, you’re having to negotiate it as best you can and that’s not easy.
Blaming your own decisions is somewhere we all go to as we grapple with the guilt of still being here when our children are not.   You read it on these pages all the time - we just cannot cope with how helpless we were and we long for a different ending.   
On any other ordinary day it would have passed without incident  - like most days do - even with the exact same decisions in place.  
I hope that you and Kyle can feel Nique’s presence stronger than ever today to help you through.
Love and hugs , Roz x 
 

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia, I am thinking about you and Nique today. It is hard to keep our mind from going to all the things we wish we would or could have done. Remember the love and  that she knew you loved her. That is the most important thing we can give is our love.

Peace and comfort,

Carol

[Michael Rodriguez]

what can any of us say ??? we all carry that what if in our hearts and minds.....everyday i go over and over on the "what ifs" ..... i have taken the blame of what happen to B in the most of personal ways.....the question is should we? i am sure that not one of us would mind change places right now with our lost child , let them grieve us !!!!  but what can we do ...do things happen for a reason, i have no idea !! of course we all miss them and i wish we could all stop torturing ourselves on things we can not change , but the fact of life is......that at the end of the day, when some thing like this happens to a parent , is when you finally realize that the only reason for your existence are your kids, regardless of age or whatever. 

i dont know virginia if i am making it worse ,but reality is that we all feel the same as you do ,,,,,so the only thing for us to say is that we are here for each other and we are here for support for each other.....

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia,

I know today is so very difficult for you.  I too have said "what if" so many times if is now the most hated phrase in my mind.   Why didn't I do this?   Why didn't I see that?   I have guilt and blame, I have heaped on myself and I wish too, I could turn back the hands of time and make it right.  Change places with my Garrett if that is the only way...  Truth is, none of us got a choice or a say in anything and none of us I am positive would have chosen to walk this ugly path.    I too am so broken, I cannot see even a glimmer of light.  I cry every day and I take the max of what the pills I can take almost every day.  Simple truth is I miss and love my Garrett and I feel cheated for him and myself and for the world that did not get to know him as he got older and grew into an elderly man.  I know without a doubt every one of us shares those wishes and thoughts. 

Despite the poor state of my being, I still believe without a doubt out children and loved ones are close.  Garrett is with me, I can feel him at times, Nique is with you!  She is close, definitely not the way you want, not the way any of us want but they are with us, trying to help.

Please try not to visit the ugly memories of this day but happier times before and things you used to do together.  I know that is easier said than done.  I have my problems with reliving that nightmare.  

We are all here with you, holding your hand, feeling the same hurt and suffering

We are with you Virginia

Love and hugs to you and Kyle

Love and comfort to all,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Morning everyone,

Woke up the same as every other day, with a lump in my chest and throat and trying not to cry.  I know unfortunately everyone here is in the same boat, just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you all and wishing with all my heart and soul none of us were here.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Dustins Mom]

Good morning Jackie - sending you big hugs this morning. I just came across a beanie of Dustin’s and could still smell his essence.
If only, if only. I’m really missing the big bear hugs that went along with that oh so familiar essence. 
I know we’re all hurting. Some days more than others but always the pain lives right there just under the surface and deep, deep within our souls as well. Wishing you all comfort and peace wherever it can be found. - Angie 

[Dustins Mom]

I had this made as a present to myself this year. It was taken a few Christmases back. The words were taken from the last text he ever sent me. My sweet boy. 💔

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you Angie, I love the picture!  It is gorgeous and warm!   

Love and hugs back to you,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

nice picture angie, also woke up with a huge lump on my throat , but after a while tears just came out pouring ....what can i say but that i miss my boy so much.... they were so many tears that i have like a sun burn on my cheek 

[NiquesMom]

Made it thru yesterday, barely. 

It hurts too much this year.

Kyle and I were listening to Christmas songs and absolutely hate "Its The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year"

Wake me when its January

[Jacqueline3]

Hello, Michael and Virginia,

I am having the same horrific trouble.  Came home from work, all I was doing was trying not to cry....  I always loved Christmas with my kids but now.... I hate it so damned much... everything about it.  I always made the ornaments for my tree and I made one for each of the kids, Joe and I every year... Now I can't stand the sight of any of it....My Garrett one year we got him a set of play tools.  God I miss that boy!  How the hell are we supposed to live like this.....

[Dustins Mom]

Awwww Jackie ❤️ what an adorable picture of Garrett. 
And painfully aware I’m not equipped to answer your question sweetie. I don’t know. Just one moment at a time I suppose. But like I tell my oldest son, he and I are still here for a reason. And we are still a family, even if it’s just me, him and my daughter-in-law now.
He doesn’t know it but on top of my own grief, I ache for the grief I know he must be carrying for his Dad, his Uncle Joey and now, his little brother too. It’s a lot. 💔

[Changed]

Virginia and Jackie, thanks for  those happy, happy photographs of your beautiful children in easier times.    I’m worried that when I look at early snaps of David I focus on what was to come but when I look at ones of my living daughter I only see them for what they are , as we should, - a lovely captured moment.   

Jackie,  I haven’t put up a tree or decorations since David died - my heart’s not in it - but my daughter  tells me that she did this year which made me happy .   We don’t have any small children about our house but if we did I’m sure I’d make the effort for them.    
 

Virginia,  I trust that you and Kyle can find a way to actually enjoy elements of this Christmas and build on that for future years.  

Angie,  fantastic photo of you with Dustin and such a lovely message off him to go with it.    That ache you speak of for the grief of others for Dustin is very familiar to me.    Siblings will have many layers of sadness and loss to experience - lots of things have changed for them including us, their parents.   I’m very conscious that I still need to offer my daughter something other than my melancholy.    

For those lost children who left their own child , our grandchildren, then that is a whole other level of pain - helping them through and recognising that they are really the most important people involved and we have to put them first.     Strength to you for everyone supporting a grieving child.

 

Michael - your love for B is so clear to see.   When you mention how overwhelmed you become at times I think we are all there with you - an arm around your shoulder, a nod of recognition, an understanding of how desperately hard this life can be without them.

Well everyone we are very close to Christmas and all it will bring.    I hope that peace can be found for all of you and yours.     Love Roz x 

[Changed]

Carol,   A little one experiencing the pure joy of Christmas will be a wonderful thing - mixed emotions for sure.    Catch up later.   Roz x

[Michael Rodriguez]

14 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

Made it thru yesterday, barely. 

It hurts too much this year.

Kyle and I were listening to Christmas songs and absolutely hate "Its The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year"

Wake me when its January

how about if we set the alarm clock for 6:00 am january 2nd? sounds good to you!!!

[Michael Rodriguez]

our last xmas together in northern oregon

[NiquesMom]

Michael, that smile is just gorgeous! And yes, january second 5am for me (thats the days I have to go back to work anyways)

Angie, i love the last text message with the photo, what love shows on that message

Jackie, that little grin, seems so wise beyond his years in that photo!

Roz, I have no words for how wonderful you are. You check on all of us, you remember upcoming days, all while bearing your own grief. You are kind beyond words, and I hope you are feeling more peace. 

To all I have not commented on, I read all the posts but my brain cannot remember very well anymore. But I hope we can all find a little piece of peace this holiday season.

BTW, I am convinced my husband held my hand last night. I was laying in bed crying, and we used to hold hands up by our pillows. I stretched out my hand like I could hold his. My hand felt very warm and pressure on it as I lay there. I miss him and Nique so much, but I am going to try to be better.

 

[Jacqueline3]

Love the pictures of B and Nique.... such beautiful smiles and their eyes are warm and happy.   God, I wish I could make it better for all of us.   I am thinking of you all with warmest, broken heart and many hugs.. I am working to find a way to channel the pain but as of yet I have found small things that work for a short time but nothing that is a pattern I can return to..

Love to all of us...

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

Love all the pictures. It is strange how I see things in common with all the pictures and with Mason. Angie,  the message is priceless as is the picture. Virginia,  the big smile would light up the room. Jackie that little boy and his happiness is so evident. Michael when I see pictures of B, I always think that he and Mason loved the same things,  being outside and pushing the limits in his truck or ATV.

It is very cold here,  windshields reaching -20 last night and highs today won't get out of the teens.  Snow covered ground. Mason would have loved having a white Christmas. This morning I was up cleaning the kitchen,  I heard a noise at the window,  we have some ivy that grows up the house and frames the window.  I walked to the window and looked up, a chubby red cardinal was perched on a bare Ivy branch looking in at me. It sat there for a few minutes and then flew to the nearest tree and perched there and looked back at me.  I didn't move until he flew back to the feeder. I talked to Mason and told him how much I miss and love him. Jackie I thought about you and Garrett. 

Roz, like you I try to give my daughter and granddaughter my best. I know they need me and they need to see that through the worst life can dish out,  we push forward and that love is to be shared and time with loved ones is the most valuable gift we can offer. I am trying to make new memories with Magnolia and cherish every moment with her. 

[Mason’s Mom]

3 minutes ago, NiquesMom said:

Michael, that smile is just gorgeous! And yes, january second 5am for me (thats the days I have to go back to work anyways)

Angie, i love the last text message with the photo, what love shows on that message

Jackie, that little grin, seems so wise beyond his years in that photo!

Roz, I have no words for how wonderful you are. You check on all of us, you remember upcoming days, all while bearing your own grief. You are kind beyond words, and I hope you are feeling more peace. 

To all I have not commented on, I read all the posts but my brain cannot remember very well anymore. But I hope we can all find a little piece of peace this holiday season.

BTW, I am convinced my husband held my hand last night. I was laying in bed crying, and we used to hold hands up by our pillows. I stretched out my hand like I could hold his. My hand felt very warm and pressure on it as I lay there. I miss him and Nique so much, but I am going to try to be better.

 

Virginia my mom she has experienced similar things with my dad. I hope that warm hand will stay with you in the coming days. I agree that Roz brings comfort with her thoughtful words and reaches out at just the right time. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

1 minute ago, Mason’s Mom said:

Virginia my mom she has experienced similar things with my dad. I hope that warm hand will stay with you in the coming days. I agree that Roz brings comfort with her thoughtful words and reaches out at just the right time. 

yes, she is quite unique .....i think she holds us all together

[Changed]

Love to you all.  I’ve just got up on Christmas morning and keeping my attention on everything I have to organise.   
Please don’t expect too much of yourselves , especially emotionally.  Love Roz x 

[Jerryslifemattered]

Missing my boy on this Christmas morning. I Love you Jerry Bear!!!! Its going to be the blink of an eye until we meet again.  You are my sunshine kiddo! Love,

Yo Momma

[patrickmorrow]

Just like you were missing my son Alex this morning it’s been two months and my heart aches today, but I know I’ll see him again and he is in a better place for sure. This earth was not his home. I hope you have a great Christmas, and your heart is protected by our savior merry Christmas. 

[NiquesMom]

Merry christmas to all. I hope we can all feel our children today, if even for a moment.

[Jacqueline3]

Hello everyone, I still cannot say the words happy or merry anything.  Wishing you all as good a day as possible. 

I am missing you terrible Garrett, I love you so very much and my life will never be the same without you here with me.  I love you so much Garrett, my precious, wonderful surprise...

Love and hugs to all

I am thinking of all of you at this difficult time.

Jackie

[Dustins Mom]

Merry Christmas to all of you who celebrate this day. Hope your day is gentle  

As for you Dustin, we’re going to miss you a little bit more today, if that’s even possible. It’s our first Christmas without you and the empty chair, the empty plate, the empty void you’ve left behind will all be a glaring reminder.
But I hope you know our hearts will always be full ❤️ with the love you gave to us and shared with the world in the time you walked this Earth. Rest easy my boy.
We WILL meet again but in the meantime I will always and forever be sending you my love. Oh for just one more hug. 😘❤️🥰

[Michael Rodriguez]

good morning to all , stil unable to deal with holidays , was just my wife and i for a regular saturday dinner , watched football in the afternoon and then we went for jack ryan season 3 and some sandwiches ....were in bed by 9:00 pm. that was saturday, xmas day we had wendys for lunch and papa john's for dinner ....and we were missing our kids as nikki flew back to oregon on the 23rd.

[Dustins Mom]

It was just me, my older son and my daughter-in-law. So strangely quiet but we tried to make the best of it. 
A question for anyone reading this.  I have 4 older siblings and not a single one of them thought to check in with us yesterday. Even a simple text would’ve been nice. I’ve always considered our family to be close - how could they not know it would be extra hard for me (a widow) and my surviving son this year? Has anyone else experienced this? I don’t want to be bitter but my heart broke a little more. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Angie, I always thought I had the best family in the world, but I have experienced what you speak of.  It does break your heart more... I am sorry you have been dealt this ugliness too... It adds another layer of loss to an already shattered heard and life.  I am sorry again.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Dustins Mom]

Thank you Jackie ❤️ - I’ve yet to figure it out. At times it feels like they’re afraid of catching whatever darkness it was that took away my husband and my son. None of them have yet to lose a spouse or a child so I’ll just blame it on ignorance for now and pray 🙏🏼 it doesn’t happen to them. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael, I cannot deal with the holiday yet either, feels so wrong to me and it makes me almost sick to watch all the people and the festivities.  It was just me, my husband and our eldest.... very quiet and subdued...

Love and hugs,

jackie

[Jacqueline3]

I know Angie that is the way I have felt.  To call or spend time with me they have to touch the ugliness that I live.  My youngest brother has not spoken to me at all, not even a text since we lost Garrett,  "He can deal with it"  or so Mum says.  Isn't that nice,   We didn't get a fucking choice.....  I am sorry it both makes me angry and sad.

Thinking of you,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

im the youngest 4 siblings , my 2 sisters are the eldest and then it was joe and i ....joe passed on 2007 of a multiple mieloma at age 53......both of my sisters care a lot about me ....im still their baby brother , so they are always in touch with us ......i talk or chat with them most every day. one of them lives in minneota  the other one lives a couple of miles from my house.

[Dustins Mom]

I’m sorry you’re living this reality too Jackie. But it is a little comforting to know it’s not just my siblings. I do know my own losses have made it much easier for me to reach out, without fear, to others who’ve had losses. Hugs to you,

Angie 

1 minute ago, Michael Rodriguez said:

im the youngest 4 siblings , my 2 sisters are the eldest and then it was joe and i ....joe passed on 2007 of a multiple mieloma at age 53......both of my sisters care a lot about me ....im still their baby brother , so they are always in touch with us ......i talk or chat with them most every day. one of them lives in minneota  the other one lives a couple of miles from my house.

Michael - that is wonderful to hear how they still connect with you! I’m the baby too which is why I’ve been so confused by their lack of communication. 

[NiquesMom]

Angie, I am the youngest of 4. Since my daughter died 5 years ago only 1 brother had kept in touch with me. Stupidly I thought since this was the first Christmas without my husband they might check on me but of course they did not. Only my brother ken. The other 2 dont acknowledge me. 

I do believe they have no idea what to say too me so they say nothing. How they can be so stupid to not understand how silence can hurt so deeply, I dont know.

I have lost faith in most people. I only have a few individuals in my life that will acknowledge my husband or daughter. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia, I have to agree, I have lost faith in people and hope in life.   Sometimes I think what is the point I am just waiting around for the world to take more.  Everything I built and love has suffered.  Was I such a horrible person in another life that the heavens had to punish my family and take my youngest.   I just don't feel like I have much left to give or fight with.   I am so fucking tired of this horrific life.

[NiquesMom]

Jackie, I so understand. Of my siblings I am the only one to have lost my child, and the only one to have lost my spouse. Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this life.

 I get so mad when I receive a Christmas card from someone who didn't speak to me all year. Why do people do that? Oh its Christmas, lets pretend we care now! Same as when someone dies. If you couldn't be bothered with them in life, why does their death affect you?

I am ready for the holidays to be over

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia, I am so ready as well.  I agree one hundred percent.  There is a bitterness and rage I carry alongside the sorrow and unrelenting pain.  People keep telling me I am not the same... Really? and this surprises you?  I just tired Virginia, so damned tired.  Garrett's birthday is the 17 of January... He would be 24.   and I just want to cry.

Love and Hugs,

Jackie

[marks]

I dont even know what to say.  I just feel like I need to do something.  My son died on the 22nd.  He had been in the hospital for 31 days and he begged them to let him stay until Monday (the 19th).  They discharged him saturday.  WHY?  Because his leg was open from his groin to his knee and had a wound vac.  They told him it was very important that he have home health come daily and change the dressing.  He wanted to make sure that was set up and didn't know if it would be on saturday/sunday.  The dr supposedly said some very inappropriate things----we will see, and my son was unable to get the home health together.   they called monday, they didn't come.  They didn't call or come tuesday, wednesday or thursday and he died thursday probably from sepsis.  I am really angry but I'm just too raw and vulnerable to call the dr because I might say something that would do no good.  I just have a hole in my heart and its incredibly painful as most of you know unfortunately.  I'm so sorry for everyone who has lost someone.  I just hope I can get thru this.  Thank you for letting me write here----I hope that I did not say anything in appropriate or interrupt conversations that might have been going on.  We are waiting for the medical examiner- we don't know anything yet, and its hard to wait but even if I knew what caused this it wouldn't bring him back.   Thank you all again.  

[NiquesMom]

Marks, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. We all understand the raw pain you are feeling. My daughter died 5 years ago, right before christmas (12/21). My husband died 6 months ago after a lengthy hospital stay. He had a wound vac, I cannot begin to understand why the hospital would or could discharge your son without the home health setup. The hospital and insurance should have made sure that was setup. But I understand how frustrating it is to try to work with the hospital and insurance. 

I hope you can find some comfort knowing you are not alone.

[patrickmorrow]

First I am terribly sorry you have lost your son. You will get through this and thank you for sharing your pain. This will help you. I pray that God will give you what he gave me when my 18 year old son passed, a peace that passes understanding. Give yourself grace because you will have waves of grief, I call it love with no place to go:( I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. You are not alone ❤️‍🩹

[marks]

Thank you both .  I just looked on the medical examiner website and it says "cause of death": Pending.  I am sure they are waiting on toxicology.  He was found sitting on the bed (well his legs were off the side) so he probably sat and died- and his torso was on the bed.  I have so much guilt. I could have done more to help him.  I supported him financially, but I didn't make it easy- I wanted him to get some kind of job.  he just kept telling me I didn't understand because his leg hurt.  Obviously I didn't.  Then he went in the hospital and had these nasty surgeries and never survived.   He had his first leg surgery/wound vac about 5-6 yrs ago.  He worked for an airline and was in the hospital in minneapolis for 2 months.  then he came home and periodically had more surgery.  It was a very very difficult last several years.  He was going to a methadone clinic because anyone in pain knows that getting pain meds is next to impossible now.  sure they will give you a few, but if you need them all the time good luck. my wife wrecked her car on thanksgiving and broke a rib.  They gave her morphine in the ER, but would NOT give her even one measly pill when she was discharged about 12 hrs later.  They said "follow up with your PCP"  well it was thanksgiving.  My son got discharged with nothing because a lot of drs think methadone is for heroin addicts.  It is----but sadly many people have to go to methadone clinics because they cant get treatment for their pain.  My son was one.  He had a dr at a wound clinic treating him after the minneapolis fiasco but they took his license for prescibing pain meds.  the pendulum has swung too far.  So my son was in severe pain, and had sepsis I'm sure.  

When I saw him last, I told my wife, "I am not ready to lose him----I want to see him happy first" and I that didn't happen.