Loss of an Adult Child

[char char]

I lost my 21yr son to a horriffic accident on September 25 2022 the worst day of my life! We just signed a lease for our new house in February he was so happy about it little did I know that 6 months later the last words I'd hear from my son were I love you mom. He had 2 friends over that day they were in his room they had been drinking hard liquor my son had a gun he has grown up with guns taken hunter safty course hes no stranger to them yet he was showing his friends it  his one friend said stop playing around with it my son unchambered the bullet put it to his head and said there's no bullets in it and pulled the trigger he was wrong!  I'm devastated I had only been gone 2hrs and I was 20min away from our home I have outside cameras the alerts were going off I could see all the cops no one would reply to me as I yelled through my cameras I called 911 to see what was going on they said a officer will call you as I raced home I got a call the officer told me I couldn't go home to pull over and a officer will meet me I kept saying please tell me my son's ok please I pulled over 3blocks from my house as I rewond my cameras to the first cop on scene I heard him say whats going on he shot himself. I went to panic mode as a cop pulled into the parking lot the look on his face I knew something was wrong I'll never forget him saying I'm sorry to tell you mam but your son is no longer with us! I'm so sorry is there anyone we call for you. I dropped to my knees screaming and I still find myself in shock and disbelief I can't except the fact he's not coming home. Not sure what to do he was my pride and joy the baby boy.  Heart is broken

[Changed]

Dear Char Char,  it’s awful, so horrific.    What a terrible accident and how hard it will be for you and your family to cope with this nightmare.

I’m Roz  and I’ve lost my own son , David.    I replied to your message on Loss of an Adult Son yesterday - you will find that this is the most active of the two groups ( Loss of an Adult Child)  but you will reach the same people on both pages.

Voicing your pain amongst others who truly understand offers a comfort of sorts when there will be little comfort to be found at the moment.      I hope that you will let us try to help .    Strength to you.  Roz 

[Mason’s Mom]

I read this and found it to be so true.

“The best way I can describe grieving over a child as the years go by is to say it’s similar to carrying a stone in your pocket.

When you walk, the stone brushes against your skin. You feel it. You always feel it. But depending on the way you stand or the way your body moves, the smooth edges might barely graze your body.

Sometimes you lean the wrong way or you turn too quickly and a sharp edge pokes you. Your eyes water and you rub your wound but you have to keep going because not everyone knows about your stone or if they do, they don’t realize it can still bring this much pain.

There are days you are simply happy now, smiling comes easy and you laugh without thinking. You slap your leg during that laughter and you feel your stone and aren’t sure whether you should be laughing still. The stone still hurts.

Once in a while you can’t take your hand off that stone. You run it over your fingers and roll it in your palm and are so preoccupied by it’s weight, you forget things like your car keys and home address. You try to leave it alone but you just can’t. You want to take a nap but it’s been so many years since you’ve called in “sad” you’re not sure anyone would understand anymore or if they ever did.

But most days you can take your hand in and out of your pocket, feel your stone and even smile at its unwavering presence. You’ve accepted this stone as your own, crossing your hands over it, saying “mine” as children do.

You rest more peacefully than you once did, you’ve learned to move forward the best you can. Some days you want to show the world what a beautiful memory you’re holding. But most days you twirl it through your fingers, smile and look to the sky. You squeeze your hands together and hope you are living in a way that honors the missing piece you carry, until your arms are full again.” © Jessica Watson

Gorgeous piece written by Jessica Watson at Four Plus An Angel. 🦋

Let us know who you’re missing. We’d love to #saytheirnames with you and flood this page with their beautiful faces! 
— 
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 #abedformyheart #grief #loss #childloss #truth #trauma #loveneverdies #dads #moms #grievingparents #parenting #missyou  

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[Michael Rodriguez]

you know what , i thinl i might go out and look for a stone, a real stone with the right size to always carry it in my pant pocket , wash it and put a B with a black magic marker , and carry it for the rest of my life in my pocket.....honestly, i think it is a greaqt idea 

[Changed]

Carol, that piece really resonates.  Thanks for sharing it with us. Roz x

[NiquesMom]

Char char, I am so sorry. As I am sure you know, there are no words that will make you feel better. Just know we are all here and have been where you are in some degree. When you feel like you are going crazy, I promise you that you aren't.

Grief is hard and long. My 18 year old  daughter died in a car accident outside our apartment almost 5 years ago. When she died I could not imagine 5 days much less 5 years. But I an still here, breathing and functioning for the most part. Most days are ok but still some days just hit me hard. Like I just can't believe she is dead.

Please know we are all in your corner and pulling for you.

 

Carol, I think that is such an accurate way ti describe grief.

[char char]

Thank you all so much, i still cant accept the fact he will never be coming home its so hard Imiss him so much I try and be strong for my 14yr daughter but i keep failing I find it hard to be in this house i found my self in his room crying uncontrollably and the pain is so deep i feel it in the depths of my soul. Now I find myself in a little bit of a delima right now with not wanting to part with his ashes his dad who hasnt been in his life much wants to put him in a private cemetary that was offered by his best friends family i first agreed due to the fact he had the ashes and now that i have them i find it comforting to wrap his urn in his baby blanket and just hold them it brings me a little comfort he was a mommas boy and didnt care who knew it and i feel he would want to stay with me and not be put in a cemetary where when his dad finds time will go and see him. please some thoughts on this please im so lost i love him so much it pains me to think about parting with his ashes.

[Dianas Mom]

Dear char char, This is the one place I feel others truly understand the loss and struggling of losing a child. We are all on the grief journey and trying to find our way. I lost my daughter, Diana, in April of this year and the wound is still raw, still can't believe she is really gone. There are no words to describe the pain we feel, yet there is comfort in sharing our story with others here. Would it be possible to share your son's ashes, with some being kept in the urn with you and some being placed in the cemetery? Just a thought that might be an answer. We're here for you to talk to and want you to know we care with all our hearts.

Yvonne

[NiquesMom]

Char char, I had to share my daughters ashes with her dad. My portion of the ashes sit in her urn by my bedside. My husbands urn is on the other side. It does comfort me to hold the urn and rock with it. My 9 year old son will also pick up the urns and give them hugs.

I hope you can share the ashes, I think that would be the beat solution.

[Changed]

Char Char,     It looks as if you may need to share your son’s ashes with his father - can you do that?    

The way you describe holding his urn in his baby blanket it is clear how much you need to keep your son with you - even if your husband does what he thinks is right with the share of your son’s ashes he takes - you should do what you need to do and not part with the urn.

There is an awful lot  to cope with - more than we could have ever felt capable of and certainly never wanted to face .   Don’t be railroaded into making decisions that feel wrong - it doesn’t matter if you agreed to something in a time of great stress that you now are reconsidering - that is your prerogative.

Take care , Roz

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Char Char,

I agree with Roz, don't be railroaded into a decision you agreed to  in great stress.  That being said, it is not always easy to fight more battles when your world has just been shattered.  Can you speak with your son's father?  I would have trouble with separating the ashes.  I am not saying that to be difficult, I just know I would not  have wanted to do that.  If having your son's urn brings you comfort then you need to do what is right for you.   I am hoping your son's father will listen to your pain and be helpful for both of you in this time of great tragedy.

My heart is with you and... be kind to yourself.    You are allowed to cry, you are allowed to feel pain... it is all a reflection of the love you share with your son.   Go easy on yourself and allow yourself to grieve in a way that is right for you.  There are no right or wrongs.....  How is your daughter doing?

Love and hugs,

Jackie

 

[Dustins Mom]

Hi Char Char - what stuck out most to me was your comment that his dad ‘hasn’t been in his life much’. But now he wants his ashes? Or expects you to share his ashes? 
I was brought to this site because I too lost a son just a few months ago. But 10 years ago I unexpectedly lost his Dad and my husband of 35 years. It wasn’t until this past Christmas that I was finally able to find the courage to open his urn and give our 2 boys each a necklace that contained some of his ashes. I can only suggest you follow your heart on this one. I would find it really, really hard to part with any of my son’s ashes right now. The pain is too raw, too real. When, and if, YOU feel compelled, then maybe you can decide what to do. But for now sweetie hold on tight to them for as long as you want. They are all we have left. - with much love and compassion, Angie 

[Michael Rodriguez]

char char .....B was originally burried at a cemetery .....azbout 6 motnhs after he left , my wife starting pushing to get him cremated and brought him back home. it has help a lot to have him back home where he belongs. i kiss his urn before i leave for work , i kiss his urn the moment i get back home. i talk to him. 

his urn sits in an armoire that has been filled with a lot of his memorobilia , like his jeep stuff and atlanta falcons gear.-..-.some of his favorite shirt, sun glasses ,car keys , every thursday , my wife will go out and buy fresh white flowers for him .-.-...he reamins a part of the family 

if you care for my opinion , we tried both, just keep him home; with you, close to you ......do not let him be put in a cemetery.....

[KsMom]

Hi Char Char. Sorry you are living this nightmare. My daughter passed away in January. We also have my daughters ashes and are not ready to part with them. I have mixed feelings as I know she is no longer there but it does seem as Michael said like a part of her.

Your grieving process is just beginning and there is no right or wrong way. I know initially it distressed me to see others on this site still suffering years later, Hearing that the hurt will never go away makes it all seem hopeless. I think I am coming to understand that slowly and sometimes reluctantly life keeps moving forward. I cry every day. I read and talk to Kaitlin all the time. I miss her always and there is always an underlying sadness. But I have two sons that I push forward for as I want them to find happiness. I know K would want that too. I see signs of her often with the latest being a high school best friend who decided to reach out to me as she was thinking of me (she didn't know about K passing). Kaitlin knew that this person and I were best friends and I'm sure she sent her my way. Kaitlin always protected and looked out for me and I believe she still is. I will continue on trying to honour her in everything I do and keep her memory alive.

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble

Glad to see everyone back as it had been very quiet.

Theresa

[Lisa M.]

Char Char,   I am sorry for your loss. My son passed away 17 months ago and I too had him cremated. We split his ashes 3 ways. My daughter, myself,  and his wife his  all got ashes. It has worked for us, But you must do what works for you. Please come here to this site as often as you want. Even if no one writes it's comforting to read  others posts and it helps just to talk about things. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[NiquesMom]

It is exhausting trying to care. I took Kyle to a farm for a haunted hayride. He had a ton of fun but the whole time I was just wishing I could be laying in my bed.

Today I bought him pumpkins to smash (he doesn't want to carve or decorate them) and the while time he was outside trying to make a catapult with a shovel and brick, I really just wanted to go inside and shut the door.

I feel bad that I am just not interested in doing things. I have to fake it all the time.

Kyle is having dental surgery on Friday, IV sedation. Kinda nervous, I am sure he will be fine but what if he isn't? He is the only thing keeping me going right now. His friend wants Kyle to be brave and walk places alone. I told him "tell them I have lost my husband and daughter and I am trying to keep you safe!" Am I smothering and hovering? I don't know. I don't want to stifle him. So hard.

[patrickmorrow]

I feel your pain, it has only been 2 weeks

I have to take this day by day, it is overwhelming. Any tips on how to help my wife?

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Patrick, I am so sorry for the loss of your son.  My name is Jackie.  It is overwhelming and horrifying and surreal.   I lost my 22 year old son Garrett, a little over a year ago.  It was an undiagnosed medical condition that took him from us with no warning.   I wish I could offer sound advice to make things easier but I cannot.  this is the hardest damned thing either of you will ever do.  I cry every day still and my heart continues to bleed tears of pain for my youngest child.  I just want him to come home,  All that you and your wife can do right now is be there for each other.  Listen as the other talks or cries or screams.   Hang on to one another as you navigate this ugly, traumatizing road you must now walk... the road none of us wanted to be on,.  It is a day by day survival.  If you have a doctor you can trust get some form of medication to take the edge of your pain so you can at least function.  I take one only when I am so distraught I cannot even manage a conversation with out sobbing.   Acknowledge your emotions, they will keep surfacing.... I have dealt with excruciating pain as well as overwhelming rage.   My husband has not dealt with the rage but he and my two daughters with listen.   I also have screamed at the heavens as my rage overflows.   There is no right or wrong way to feel. but these emotions are like none you have experienced.  Hold on to one another and to us.  We are walking the same road and we have all needed help at times and could offer help at other times...  You are not alone in you pain, we are with you both.

Talk to you child, I am not a religious person but a spiritual one... I believe from the bottom of my soul our children are close.

My heart goes out to you both,

Jackie

[patrickmorrow]

Thank you dear lady. I read everything sent to me and try to glean something from each one. So sorry for your sudden loss, my boy died from addiction and I expected it might happen but NOTHING prepared me for this reality. I am a teacher and have to go back tomorrow to over a hundred students. Have a great evening and thanks for responding. God Bless❤️ Patrick and Laura Morrow

[NiquesMom]

Patrick, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my 18 year old daughter almost 5 years ago. 

Are you not able to take some time off? I know my head still isnt right but I remember going back to work after 2 weeks and I would cry at my desk. 

My husband died in June and I thought after the death of my daughter I had a handle on this grief thing, but I don't. Today i opened the kitchen drawer and saw chip clips in bought him and I started to cry.

I guess what I am trying to say is your will have days where you feel almost normal and days where you cant get energy to get out of bed. Both are normal and ok. People are going to say and do stupid things trying to help you, and I am sorry for the additional pain they will cause you.

We all here understand the crazy swings of emotions and the crazy thoughts and feelings, and we are in your corner.

[Changed]

Dear Patrick,  you and your wife must be so raw - I am so sorry.

My name is Roz and I lost my own son , David, almost six years ago now.  
The early weeks after our loss were the thing of nightmares.      I hope that you have support and the opportunity at school to take breaks and have a private place to retire to when needed - it all feels so cruel .   Some people find that getting back to work in their grief is a distraction and others a necessity  - try not to expect too much of yourself.

This group of people are very kind and all at different stages of their grief but we come together to help each other .   We welcome you and will try to offer you comfort and let you know that we understand what you are going through and we care.       Peace and strength to you and your wife.   Roz

 

[Changed]

Virginia,  you really are making Kyle’s life full of fun experiences- I love the idea of his wanting the pumpkins to smash them.     Well done Mrs for sticking with it .    
Don’t know if this is of any interest but would you fancy getting  two remote control jeeps ( or similar) one for each of you and racing them and later maybe joining a club .   Learning maintenance etc.  If he had a friend over they could borrow your vehicle to race together.    It worked out very well for my grandson and his mum - you get very involved and it can be fun against the clock.  We bought decent ones so they were robust enough for tough terrain and with Christmas being close may be an idea if you haven’t already got them. …..    They even played with them indoors - setting up obstacle courses everywhere with toilet rolls and cans for the precision driving .   Maybe Michael would have ideas.

Hope his surgery goes well and he bounces back .   We all know how you will worry as would we all.       It’s natural.      Roz x
 

 

[patrickmorrow]

Thank you Changed, really appreciate it.

God Bless! Patrick 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Patrick and Laura,  for now as much as I hate to say it, take one step and then another and remember to breathe.   You are right nothing prepares you for this type of loss. it rips the heart and soul out of you.   God I miss my Garrett.  He could make me laugh like no other. 

We are with you... lean on us, vent, talk, cry, scream... whatever you need.  we are in this horrible place together.  You have friends here, ones sharing your raw, angry pain...  Good luck returning to your Job... If you find you cannot go back just now then be kind to yourself and take a few days off, whatever you need.  I am thinking of you and my thoughts will be with you tomorrow.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[char char]

Thank you all for everything I appreciate you all, I asked his dad to split the ashes up but he refused thats what makes it so hard its been 2 weeks since i'v had them and its kinda strange he has not even asked about them my thought was i will wait till he calls me about them and thats when i will tell him that i want to keep them how ever be willing to give him some  but he hasnt called text or anything.

 

,

Patrick, I'm so sorry for your loss its a parents worst nightmare. i pray for healing for you and your family. 

 

[Changed]

CharChar ,     If your son’s father doesn’t want to share the ashes and you actually have them already then I would not chase him for an answer.     It’s not as if he wanted to have them to keep close by him , is it?     If that were the case then you could come to an arrangement but to take them away from you forever is not right.      If he understands how much it means to you then , maybe , he will leave everything as is.    Let’s face it - nothing is as it should be and the worse has already happened - I hope that it doesn’t cause more anguish .

How are you and your family ?   Such a surreal time for you all.   Thinking of you,  Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

Patrick, so sorry for your loss. The first weeks are such a bliur. For now take it one minute, one hour one day at a time. I did find ithelpful to stay busy. I had a great support group at work, I hope you will as well. Just be there for your wife and let her talk to you. 

Peace and comfort,

Carol

[Michael Rodriguez]

patrick. i am michael , and let me start by saying that i am also very sorry for your loss. i lost my son brian 18 months ago to complications after surgery ......in one of your posts you mention your wife .....well , i also have a wife and let me tell you is much worse for them than for us .....i can not go a day with out sheding a tear for B , i can not go a day with out almost screaming to the heavens of how much i love him and how much i miss him , how much i adore him , and how i would give my life , with out hestitation , to have him back !!!!! but i know his mom has a different kind of pain. i have been open in this site, as how , as a couple, have struggled and after 18 months , slowly we are starting to smile and to talk about B .....give her the space and the time ,let her scream at you ,blame you .....you just have to be strong if you want to survive it .....humble opinion

[ButterflyFabi]

I loss my beautiful 23 year old daughter on September 29. It was the worst day of my life. I was already at work after dropping off my 20 year old at the train station to go to college in the city. A few mins later after getting on my desk, my fiancé call me that I need to get back home. I say what’s wrong? He told me Fabiola is not waking up. Her brother Michael and our dog went to her room as every morning. They have found her cold. She was so beautiful sleeping like a princess. She and her sister has fall asleep that night watching TikTok and YouTube videos. God knows when and why. I still don’t understand or believe that this is real life. 💔I missed my minie me. I missed her using my shoes, my jewelry, messing up my closet that’s supposed to go to the dry cleaners. I miss her too much! 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Patrick and Char Char,

I am reaching out to both of you and asking how your are holding up.  It is not easy  I always loved fall but now I keep thinking each leaf that falls is another piece of my soul.  I have been very vocal on this site about my bad days and and the other horrific, unbearable days.  I have yet to have a day I would consider good.  I have talked about how difficult it has been for me to accept and move forward without my precious Garrett.    The only person I have shed any blame on is myself for not seeing something that would have perhaps helped my boy.   I do not believe,and I say this with great trepidation as I do not wish to offend, that anyone should blame another for the tragedy of losing a child.  

Dearest Michael if you have been the brunt of blame, I am sorry, that is an unfair burden to lay on anyone.... I know how much you love and miss B.  I can see and hear it in your words.  My husband and I grieve very differently and I am much more vocal and open in my pain but I know Joe would have laid down his life to save Garrett if he could have, as would I.  

Dearest Carol, today is the first day my feeders have been very sparse... that is hard for me.  I do find a small measure of comfort in the birds my Garrett loved to listen to when he awoke in the morning.

Thinking of everyone

love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest CHiraldo,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter.  I lost my 22 year old son, Garrett, a little over a year ago from an undiagnosed medical condition.   I know honey, the surreal misery and anguish you are feeling.  I still have days I wait for my Garrett to walk out of his room and I cry every day.. There is no easy way to walk this ugly path but know that you are not alone.  We are with you and all walking along side you, all of us trying to find our way in our broken worlds.

Love and hugs,

Jackie.

[Changed]

CHiraldo,   What a desperately sad time , I am so sorry about what has happened to Fabiola and your family.    It is bad enough losing a child but not having answers as to why must be a torment. 
There are a few parents on this site who, also,  lost their precious child suddenly and unexpectedly and I’m sure that they will be able to give you their shared experiences.

You will , of course , be in shock and struggling to make sense of anything and the pain of having to face a future under these circumstances is something we all understand.

Please know that we are here for you,  Roz

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

i cant believe how many hurting parents are joining as of late. CHiraldo , i am so very sorry for your loss. im lost of words as it has become an everyday situation finding another suffering parent. i know it is not much of a solace , but do be aware that we are here to help each other in grief and to give comfort in this time of need. 

michael 

[patrickmorrow]

1 hour ago, Jacqueline3 said:

Dearest Patrick and Char Char,

I am reaching out to both of you and asking how your are holding up.  It is not easy  I always loved fall but now I keep thinking each leaf that falls is another piece of my soul.  I have been very vocal on this site about my bad days and and the other horrific, unbearable days.  I have yet to have a day I would consider good.  I have talked about how difficult it has been for me to accept and move forward without my precious Garrett.    The only person I have shed any blame on is myself for not seeing something that would have perhaps helped my boy.   I do not believe,and I say this with great trepidation as I do not wish to offend, that anyone should blame another for the tragedy of losing a child.  

Dearest Michael if you have been the brunt of blame, I am sorry, that is an unfair burden to lay on anyone.... I know how much you love and miss B.  I can see and hear it in your words.  My husband and I grieve very differently and I am much more vocal and open in my pain but I know Joe would have laid down his life to save Garrett if he could have, as would I.  

Dearest Carol, today is the first day my feeders have been very sparse... that is hard for me.  I do find a small measure of comfort in the birds my Garrett loved to listen to when he awoke in the morning.

Thinking of everyone

love and hugs to all,

Jackie

 

I am ok but not close to good. My wife is really having guilt about not doing enough but she spent 5 years helping Alex. He just did not want help. His 20 year old brother is home from school and is very sad these days. Thanks for your wonderful heart for us!!!

[ButterflyFabi]

Michael and Jacqueline, 

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. It feels different to heard from people with similar situations. I am still trying to understand that she’s not here anymore. Everyone else who has met her knows how happy she always was and she has so many people who adored her. She was this little butterfly so bright. Missing her so much! 
 

Thank you! 

[NiquesMom]

Roz, thank you for the suggestion. It is a good idea, I will see what he thinks. I have started buying christmas gifts but kyle told me he doesnt want any surprises. I think we had too much over the last year and he just wants routine and predictability. I told him maybe he will see his dad for a visit when he is under the IV sedation as he is nervous too.

I am so tired, it is hard to want to continue each day. I am just marking time, what is the point anymore? Not in a good place, and it is so kind of you to always respond to everyone on this page. Thank you for being the person you are.

[NiquesMom]

CHiraldo, I am so sorry about your daughter. My 18 year old daughter died december 21 2017, in a car accident. I remember not thinking I could make it 5 days without her abd it has almost been 5 years. I cannot believe I am still here and breathing when she is not. All I have learned is that life is not fair, and that I dont believe that saying "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger." Sone days I feel stronger but most days I am just marking time until I can join her again.

[Mason’s Mom]

9 hours ago, CHiraldo said:

I loss my beautiful 23 year old daughter on September 29. It was the worst day of my life. I was already at work after dropping off my 20 year old at the train station to go to college in the city. A few mins later after getting on my desk, my fiancé call me that I need to get back home. I say what’s wrong? He told me Fabiola is not waking up. Her brother Michael and our dog went to her room as every morning. They have found her cold. She was so beautiful sleeping like a princess. She and her sister has fall asleep that night watching TikTok and YouTube videos. God knows when and why. I still don’t understand or believe that this is real life. 💔I missed my minie me. I missed her using my shoes, my jewelry, messing up my closet that’s supposed to go to the dry cleaners. I miss her too much! 

CHirarldo, I lost my son unexpectedly December 17th,  2017. Since  he was only 21 years old  the state did an autopsy and found he had an undiagnosed heart disease. It is still hard to believe he is gone and like you I miss him so much and have a hard time wondering WHY. September 29th is  Mason's Birthday. We are here for you. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia, you and Kyle are in my thoughts all the time. I understand your fears with  Kyle.  I have found  myself worrying about my girls all the time especially when they are sick  or having health issues. Our fear of loss is intensified.  With you losing Nique and Christopher it must be worse.  I  tell myself I need to cherish every moment with them but it is hard to be in the moment and hold the pain away. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Patrick

I have been riddled with guilt, beating myself up that I did not see something to help Garrett.  yet I had taken Garrett to the ER five times in the last few weeks because his heart rate was slightly elevated....  We had test after test done and nothing showed anything wrong.  Yet still I have felt guilty.  I am his Mum, I should have seen and known something was seriously wrong. I feel as if I have failed Garrett in the worst way possible.   It sounds as if your wife is suffering under a similar blanket of guilt and anger at herself.   I have no doubt that she did everything possible to help your son, as I know I did in my more gentle moments with myself.  Slowly I am letting my guilt fall a little from my shoulders, She is shouldering a heavy burden now...it will take time for her to start to do the same.  Please let her know that she is not alone in her feelings of guilt, Many of us suffer under the "What ifs"  "I should have done more"  "I failed".    I guess I wanted you both to know you are not alone and you are not responsible, and that I am here any time you need to talk.

Love and Hugs,

Jackie

[Dianas Mom]

It's now just past 6 months since I lost my daughter Diana. For about the first 3 months I was in a state of shock and excruciating emotional pain. I had a difficult time functioning at all, my mind jumped from one thought to another without the ability to control it. I thought that by now I would see some small progress on this grief journey. I was wrong. The pain is more profound, my heart heavier, the sorrow relentless. I feel empty, so lonely for my child. My daughter was 62 when she passed, older than any others I've seen posted here. Some may think it is easier to lose a child who has lived a longer life than having lost them in their youth. I can tell you, it's not any easier. Part of me has died with her, I will always miss her, always miss everything about her. When I awake each morning, I cannot believe I will survive for the next moment nor every moment after that. I haven't yet found the meaning or purpose to go on. I find myself often in the "if only" place--if only I could hold her one more time--if only I could see her smile--or hear her infectious laugh--or tell her I love her one more time. One step forward, two steps back-------------hoping I will find my way.   

[NiquesMom]

Hi diana. I had a conversation with my coworker whose child died at 18 months. She used to be mad at people like me who got to have my daughter for 18 years. She said she finally figured out it doesnt matter how old your child is, its still a part of you that is missing. I wish I could tell you it gets better. I am almost at 5 years and some days I am almost normally and other days I am stuck in a deep hole. Thats where I am now....feel like I cannot climb out of this pit.

I hate this life and wish I could go back to my naive life when my family.was whole. 

I am sorry for all of us.

[NiquesMom]

"Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone".....john mellencamp said it so well

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Diana's Mom,

Age has any bearing on losing a child   Your child is always your child no matter the age.  I am just a little over a year since I lost my Garrett.   Life is still an alien horror to me... this is not my life without my Garrett,   the pain and loss will not go away, I know that but I think we find a way to walk with that loss as it is a direct reflection of our shared love with our child.  I have said it often but from the bottom of my soul I believe our children walk with us, stay close to help, because of that love..It is not easy and I still wish every day things were different and my Garrett was home.  I still cry every day and at times that bottomless pit of despair swallows me.    You are not alone.. we walk this road together.  I know that is little consolation when you are missing your child but we do understand.  If you are like me, I kept hoping something would make it bearable but I have found the thing that has helped me the most is the connection and love I have with Garrett.   I keep looking for new ways to strengthen that bond... one big one for me is the birds that I now feed and talk to every day.  I have seen their numbers grow and I have a beautiful red tailed hawk that appears in the strangest places, always it seems when I am at my lowest.  As I sit with the birds, I talk to my best friend and there are times I can feel Garrett next to me.  I wish things were different for all of us.  My heart bleeds for us all.  I am with you and share your pain.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[ButterflyFabi]

12 hours ago, Mason’s Mom said:

CHirarldo, I lost my son unexpectedly December 17th,  2017. Since  he was only 21 years old  the state did an autopsy and found he had an undiagnosed heart disease. It is still hard to believe he is gone and like you I miss him so much and have a hard time wondering WHY. September 29th is  Mason's Birthday. We are here for you. 

Mason’s Mom, I don’t know what to tell you, but I will pray that they both find each other in that other life. My days are difficult and I find myself wondering in the house, sometimes talking to Fabi. I just wish this worry I’ve been feeling goes away. I need to get better for my other two children. 
 

Praying for all of us! 

[ButterflyFabi]

15 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

CHiraldo, I am so sorry about your daughter. My 18 year old daughter died december 21 2017, in a car accident. I remember not thinking I could make it 5 days without her abd it has almost been 5 years. I cannot believe I am still here and breathing when she is not. All I have learned is that life is not fair, and that I dont believe that saying "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger." Sone days I feel stronger but most days I am just marking time until I can join her again.

NiquesMom, it is hard for me as well to understand that quote. Every time I see Fabis picture or a video of her it’s like she’s still here that I will wake up from a bad dream. It’s completely another level of Gods will power to understand WHY. Such a beautiful girl with so much love for everyone. 
 

I love her so much!! 
 

Fabiola’s Mom

[Michael Rodriguez]

and good morning to all.....i sometimes,foolishly, go into the age thing .....and i think of friends of mine that i have lost over the years and how old were they compared to B ......but i have realized that age of a child lost will not matter as a parent ...my brother passed 13 years ago,  he was 54 as he was almost 8 years older  than i am , and i saw the suffering on my mom.....and of course he was my mom´s ´protected child ......good ol´ joe..... he was quite the character , a playboy his whole life . never able to settle down but i loved him so much and i still miss him so much......although the age difference , we became very close once i went to college , and i could see my mom just crying everyday as i know she did for anne marie , that was my parents second child , so way before they even thought about a michael , she was 2 when she passed.....

[Jacqueline3]

Morning to all,

I have been thinking of the newer additions to this nightmare and wondering about each and every one of you and your families.  It is a raw,painful, surreal time.   I think of those who don't post often struggling to make some form of sense out of what has transpired and find something.. anything that offers a little comfort to make the days even somewhat bearable... I think of those that are further along on their hellish journey and have found a small means of coping but still struggle missing their loved one and those that post often, needing to hear the words in my heart so I can try to make sense of them.  

To all of us on this unwanted journey of pain and loss, I think of you often, wonder how you are holding up and dealing with the cruelty that life has dealt us and our children. 

I am struggling still but I will say once again that I believe our children, spouses are close, seeing us, hearing us and reaching out to help us   I am not religious but spiritual and I believe that from the bottom of my heart and soul.  If I did not see the odd happenings or hear music telling me to hang on or any of the strange behavior of the multitude of birds that now sit consistently in large numbers by the side of my home, I would have gone crazy by now.   My boy is close, at times I can feel him.... I did not at first but over time, there are moments I can feel Garrett.   I hope this message can offer some support as I know there are times I am hopeless and sinking in despair, without a rope to hold on to.   I hope I can offer a rope in return for the times others have offered me the same.

love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

Jackie, I am glad to see you encouraging others. Glad to see you talk about the songs, birds and other things that let you feel Garrett's presence. It took me a while to look for and accept the signs. I didn't think it was possible, now if I could a have a good dream about him that would be good.

Michael, I think we all go down the path of age. Why was he only here for 21 years...I know the ages differ but I have questioned this over and over. It just seems that the world has shifted off axis and is spinning out of control.

Virginia, I know the song well. It does resonate with our grief.

 

 

[Changed]

Diana’s mom,   It is a very bleak time after losing a child - you most probably have been in shock and now feeling the full impact of your daughter’s sad passing.    It really is not easy and there are no shortcuts with such earth shattering grief I’m afraid.

The fact that Diana was 62 certainly does not make it less painful to lose her.   You will be going through the same horrible emotions as all of us and will long to have Diana still with you and everything as it was.     We all most certainly share that desire for ourselves .

Perhaps you could give us name to call you by - it can be a made up one if you prefer - it will feel more friendly when we chat.   I hope that you keep in touch and let us be friends to you as we all go through our grieving.

My name is Roz .    I lost my son , David, almost six years ago - I will always miss him just as I’ll always love him.   Take great care, Roz