Loss of an Adult Child

[Changed]

Dustin’s  mom,  that was so sweet and heartfelt .    Finding that message and link from Dustin to you must have been amazing.  
  How painful the loss is of our precious child is - beyond anything that could be imagined .  Love Roz x 

 

[Dustins Mom]

2 hours ago, Jacqueline3 said:

I need some input.   I lost my precious son, Garrett, one year and four months ago very unexpectedly and very quickly.    I just lost my  55 year old brother this weekend to cancer, a long battle with cancer.  I am so broken.  I have really gained no ground with losing my son and now losing Rick brings it all back to the forefront..  His wife and I get along but are not chummy. She was good at telling what I was doing wrong and what was wrong with my children.  I just got my brother's obituary which my sister in law did not sent to me but to my sister.and she gave it to me.     My issue is this and I know to some it will seem petty and perhaps it is.   Those who preceded my brother in death were listed with relationship and name and tacked onto the end of that list was ... a nephew... no name and no respect given to my son.  My son was looked over and bullied his whole life and this just seems like a petty play I should look over but it has stabbed me anew.  Please, Help me find some way to look at this and make this not feel like a major dishonor to my Garrett.   I talked to my mother and she said oh, I didn't really think about it.  What?  Doesn't any body give a ****?!

Hi Jackie - oh my dear girl! First please accept condolences 🙏🏼 for the loss of your brother Rick. I am one of 5 kids but haven’t had the misfortune of losing a sibling yet - I can’t imagine what kind of pain that will bring. 
Secondly, I am so sorry about the obituary and I don’t think you’re being petty AT ALL!! You have a right to feel what you feel. I would be really upset too!!! I don’t know why people have to be so awful sometimes but it says a lot more about her pettiness than it does about you or Garrett. I would be inclined to voice my disappointment to the sister-in-law but that’s just me. I don’t like anything left unsaid. I know how quickly life can end. 
Sending you warm hugs and love, Angie

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Angie,

Thank you, I needed to hear that.   I am so upset and I know my brother would be upset, he would not have approved.  God, I miss Garrett, my heart bleeds every second of every day.  I miss Rick, he was younger by six years....  He and I were diagnosed with cancer the same week seven years ago. I was fortunate that the doctors were able to get mine... Rick's just kept coming back.

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz,

I just found your message, thank you, I needed to hear that too.... I have been absent for a while.  My heart and mind have been so heavy.  How to live this shattered life.   I do think of everyone and wonder how you are all doing. 

Love and hugs to all

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

6 hours ago, patrickmorrow said:

So sorry, I lost my 18 year old a few months ago and I really never got to say goodbye:(

Patrick,  I  didn't get to tell my son Goodbye.  That thought has gone round and round in my mind. I have felt guilt and I know I couldn't have changed anything,  I  wonder if he knew what was happening and if he was scared. I  want to believe it was so fast that he didn't. 

[patrickmorrow]

I understand, what I would do to have 10 minutes with my Alex, I tell God to tell him things everyday and that helps❤️

[Michael Rodriguez]

jackie , i am so sorry about your brother .......sisters in law have a tendency of being anoying (believe me , ihave the worst one!!!!! and dont get me started with her husband, not once has he called my wife or me telling he is sorry about B's loss)  , so stop turturing yourself because garrett  was not included .....probably would not want to have been included !!!! 

jackie you are suffering enough with the loss of garrett , same as i am with the loss of B, same as everybody else with the loss of their child  ....why create even more burdens in our lives that we can not control and any way what can you do about at this point......

[Michael Rodriguez]

3 hours ago, patrickmorrow said:

I understand, what I would do to have 10 minutes with my Alex, I tell God to tell him things everyday and that helps❤️

patrick, i do the same .....although, since im catholic , i reach out to a bunch of other our saints.....virgen mary, st jude , pope pio , pope john XXlll .....,mostly the virgen mary ....always believe as a mother she would understand more ..... i ask for signs , for whatever that tells me he is ok....and i have the faith that eventually i will get the sign that i want.....only thing that scares me is if i was already given the sign and i did not realize that it was the sign that i had and have been praying for 

[Michael Rodriguez]

11 hours ago, Mason’s Mom said:

Patrick,  I  didn't get to tell my son Goodbye.  That thought has gone round and round in my mind. I have felt guilt and I know I couldn't have changed anything,  I  wonder if he knew what was happening and if he was scared. I  want to believe it was so fast that he didn't. 

i told him. before he went into ICU that vereything would be better in the morning , that he was going to relax and that would help with his pain, honestly it never crossed my mind that was the last time i would get to talk to my son.....so , i did not get to say goodbye either ....never did i leaver the waiting area at the ICU until i was told that he had passed.... i just hope he knew that i was out there waiting on him.......

[patrickmorrow]

This breaks my heart, God has been my help through people praying and speaking into my life. I always knew life was fragile, but now that I faced my biggest fear (losing a child), i truly understand grief. I am going to add you to my prayer list, so sorry you had to endure that.

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you dearest Michael,

Yes, sister in laws in my experience have been a real piece of work.  I have two brothers, Rick I just lost and the youngest Gary, who has yet to speak to me about Garrett and we live very close.  That hurts too.  I think our cultures do a very very poor job to honor those that have unfortunately gone before us.  I am tired and still struggling to find footing.   I have found the beginning of the second year to be very difficult and painful.

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Patrick,

I am sorry you did not get to say goodbye... It is so difficult.  They sedated and incubated my Garrett to help him breath... I told him I would see him when we got to the trauma ward..... they flew Garrett, I could not go... He was gone when I got there, I knew it when I saw him, only the machines were keeping his body going..... My heart bleeds for you pain, I am sorry.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Patrick, I dont know if there is a good way to lose someone we love. My mom and husband I watched die (my husband I was by his side as he took his list breathe). My dad and my daughter were unexpected accidents, no chance to say goodbye. They are both really hard. I am finding I am struggling in different ways to the death of my husband then to my daughter. I keep dreaming my husband is alive but I never had those dreams of my daughter. I know its harder to find closure when we dont get to say what we went. I also pray all the time and talk to my husband and daughter. Hugging the urns helps. I just have come to the understanding that this is what life is, and all I can do is try to keep stepping forward.

Roz, thank you for checking on me. December is very hard. I am struggling to sleep again. Kyle and I had a nice time at thanksgiving, but it was hard to see all the families. We are going to spend a week at the beach right before christmas but we will be home for christmas day and I have no idea how that will go. Kyle was very weepy this morning, but wouldn't or couldn't tell me why. This month is supposed to be all joy and festivities, but it doesnt feel like it in our home. 

I did get my results, no cancer!

[NiquesMom]

Jackie, I am sorry they did not mention Garrett's name. It is mean but I agree that confronting her won't fix anything. Is there anyway you can simply cease contact with her know? Thats one plus of my husband dying, I no longer need to pretend to like his siblings. I am only in contact with 1 of his 5 siblings. The rest are terrible people and I am glad I no longer need to try to be pleasant with them.

The second year for me was worse so i hope you find some peace soon.

[Diane R]

Dear Jackie,

I have not been in this group for very long, but wanted to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your brother! It seems to me that when you've gone through losing a child, all other losses seem accentuated.

In regards to the actions of your sister-in-law, putting myself in that position it would be important to me - for the honor of my son; for continuing to speak on his behalf - that I say something about his name being left out.  That comes with a couple of prerequisites.  One, I would want to calm myself down so that I could speak to her without anger, but still express my disappointment.  Simply "get in, get out".  Two, I would go into this knowing that I can not control her response or actions. In other words, no expectations.  It would be for me to know that I spoke up for my son.

Hope that helps,

Diane

[April Ballou]

@NiquesMom I will keep you in my prayers.   The holidays are hard on us all.  God will help each and everyone of us.  Thank God there's no cancer.  

[Michael Rodriguez]

51 minutes ago, patrickmorrow said:

This breaks my heart, God has been my help through people praying and speaking into my life. I always knew life was fragile, but now that I faced my biggest fear (losing a child), i truly understand grief. I am going to add you to my prayer list, so sorry you had to endure that.

thanks.....i will add you to my prayers also

[Michael Rodriguez]

18 minutes ago, NiquesMom said:

Patrick, I dont know if there is a good way to lose someone we love. My mom and husband I watched die (my husband I was by his side as he took his list breathe). My dad and my daughter were unexpected accidents, no chance to say goodbye. They are both really hard. I am finding I am struggling in different ways to the death of my husband then to my daughter. I keep dreaming my husband is alive but I never had those dreams of my daughter. I know its harder to find closure when we dont get to say what we went. I also pray all the time and talk to my husband and daughter. Hugging the urns helps. I just have come to the understanding that this is what life is, and all I can do is try to keep stepping forward.

Roz, thank you for checking on me. December is very hard. I am struggling to sleep again. Kyle and I had a nice time at thanksgiving, but it was hard to see all the families. We are going to spend a week at the beach right before christmas but we will be home for christmas day and I have no idea how that will go. Kyle was very weepy this morning, but wouldn't or couldn't tell me why. This month is supposed to be all joy and festivities, but it doesnt feel like it in our home. 

I did get my results, no cancer!

well , i guess you did find a reason to be thankful !!!! i believe holidays are never going to be the same for any of us.....i cant wait for jan 2nd to come around !!!!

[KsMom]

I haven't posted in a bit but have been reading along. December has been particularly difficult. Last year I was at Kaitlin's house trying my best to look after her and hoping she would be soon put on a heart transplant list. It saddens me to see Christmas lights. The last outing we had as a family was Dec 22 when we went on a drive to see a special lighted area. The next day she went in to the hospital for the last time. Thinking about goodbyes is hard. The last surgery Kaitlin had she was scheduled for an LVAD. Her dad and I were able to go see her at 6am the day of and we stood by her bed reassuring her that everything would be okay and that this was just the next step toward a transplant. We believed it as well. I remember her looking hard at both of us as if she was trying to take in our faces. As she was wheeled away we told her we loved her and would see her later. Later that evening we heard all went well and we went to sleep ready to go see her the next day and work to get her better once again. Instead at 330am I heard my husbands cellphone ring. We were told she had a stroke and they didn't know how bad it was but to come in. We waited beside her in the room for what felt like a very long time until the drs came in and told us that her brain function was not conducive to life (the heart was great). We were allowed to being her two brothers in to the hospital and I watched something I never thought or wanted to ever see. My two sons said goodbye to their sister apologizing for perceived past wrong doings and promising to be more like her. We watched as machines were turned off and her heart rate slowly faded away. I will never forget this goodbye.

No matter whether we get to do it physically or not, goodbyes are never easy. My hope is that it isn't a goodbye but just a see you later. It will just seem like a very long time for later to come.

Theresa

[Changed]

Theresa,   I totally agree with your last paragraph - I think of it as    “you go ahead , I’ll catch you up later”.   
The agony of what happened to our children is what bonds us here but it will always be the saddest memory and one we cannot rewrite.     
I hope that you and your family have a peaceful Christmas.  Love Roz 

 

[Changed]

Virginia,  that is good news about your ‘all clear’ .   I’m sorry that Kyle was upset - he’s had a lot to process but you have such a good relationship with him I know that you can talk it through .   The beach holiday sounds just the ticket - making new happy memories isn’t easy but so worthwhile.  Love Roz

[Changed]

Jackie,  how are you?   I have been thinking about you as you now grieve for your brother.   Now your mum has lost her son too I imagine she will be needing you to help her.  Such a lot of pain.

How is your sister-in-law coping?   All of your family now losing their son , husband , brother, uncle - we all understand what you and they will be facing.     Take care, Roz 

[Changed]

 

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

15 hours ago, KsMom said:

I haven't posted in a bit but have been reading along. December has been particularly difficult. Last year I was at Kaitlin's house trying my best to look after her and hoping she would be soon put on a heart transplant list. It saddens me to see Christmas lights. The last outing we had as a family was Dec 22 when we went on a drive to see a special lighted area. The next day she went in to the hospital for the last time. Thinking about goodbyes is hard. The last surgery Kaitlin had she was scheduled for an LVAD. Her dad and I were able to go see her at 6am the day of and we stood by her bed reassuring her that everything would be okay and that this was just the next step toward a transplant. We believed it as well. I remember her looking hard at both of us as if she was trying to take in our faces. As she was wheeled away we told her we loved her and would see her later. Later that evening we heard all went well and we went to sleep ready to go see her the next day and work to get her better once again. Instead at 330am I heard my husbands cellphone ring. We were told she had a stroke and they didn't know how bad it was but to come in. We waited beside her in the room for what felt like a very long time until the drs came in and told us that her brain function was not conducive to life (the heart was great). We were allowed to being her two brothers in to the hospital and I watched something I never thought or wanted to ever see. My two sons said goodbye to their sister apologizing for perceived past wrong doings and promising to be more like her. We watched as machines were turned off and her heart rate slowly faded away. I will never forget this goodbye.

No matter whether we get to do it physically or not, goodbyes are never easy. My hope is that it isn't a goodbye but just a see you later. It will just seem like a very long time for later to come.

Theresa

theresa i know that feeling too well....i basically went thru that same route ....only difference is that i was alone , had to call my wife and nikki (my eldest) that B had passed. i look back and honestly have no idea how i was able to survive that moment .... i guess that was the moment my life turned from living to a simple existence. because , deep down, all of us in this site , we exist but we do not live and even worst , if i try to give love i feel guilty that i am taking it away from B ....only love that i have is for my children .

[NiquesMom]

My skin feels paper thin right now. Everything is bothering me, burst into tears uncontrollably. Cried so hard this morning I made myself sick. I hate this and want it to end (your know what I mean). So tired of my broken heart.

[Changed]

Virginia - That’s horrible .   December is going to be so emotionally charged - how could you not be feeling so sensitive when it holds such memories and not having Christopher with you and Kyle to help you through adds to the total misery of it all.         Best to have a good cry and recognise how wrong it all is - so unfair and cruel  - then pick yourself up and carry on.    I felt the same a few weeks ago around the anniversary of David’s death - it’s natural and goes along with the love we have for them.
You and Kyle have your plans for a break and then a quiet Christmas and I’m certain you will make it all wonderful for him - you on the other hand will be nursing your own pain and I don’t underestimate how bad that is.   
I hope that Kyle is feeling less weepy now .   Thinking of you - take care, Roz x

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia,

My heart is with you.  I feel much the same way, like I cannot find any ground and get my head above water.  I cry all the time and there are days I fight to get out of bed, I always do but it is a struggle...   I am so tired.

Love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Changed]

Carol,  my head is full of you and how you will be feeling this week.  I hope that you are keeping busy.  Peace to you.  Roz x 

[Changed]

Lisa,  how are you ?  It can all be a just too much at times - the reality, finality of it all.  Take care, Roz x

 

[Changed]

Michael,  sadly we all know that emotion.  I turned to speak to my husband the other night and saw he was all chocked up fighting his tears.  Something was in his thoughts and it will be there to the end of his days - mostly under control but always there within.    Roz x

[Michael Rodriguez]

1 hour ago, Changed said:

Michael,  sadly we all know that emotion.  I turned to speak to my husband the other night and saw he was all chocked up fighting his tears.  Something was in his thoughts and it will be there to the end of his days - mostly under control but always there within.    Roz x

how true it is...... even though i am still a newbie, as i am still counting the months and not the years.....those emotions have such a  strong tight in my heart , that they just show up at any momment.

[Jerryslifemattered]

12/2022

I am reading these posts and they are from 2005, and etc. I hear the mothers pain that time is passing and people are not remembering our list angels😥. I still feel like I just don't want to be here. However my son left me 2 grandkids and they Love me❤ Even though my family turned absolutely awful at my fathers death on 06. Literally the day dad died was the last time my stepmom, brother, and birth mom ever treated us like family. From the moment we list my dad it was GREED,selfishness, and cruelty. That's all we got from them. The last years of my sons life were watching me struggle to learn life from absolute zero at 48. I have managed. Jerry was so kind. He cared. I knew it. I am so ashamed that I let him see me so low. I had no one else. He was my only person who knew the god honest truth. I miss him. He went up to get to know his father. That was a big mistake. His father was worse than in our youth. He gave Jerry drugs when he was newly graduated from treatment and doing so well. No one would let us speak. It still haunts me every day. I want to learn to love those grandkids for him. I want what my dad left me, for them. I want my brother and stepmom to pay for killing my dad. Because they did!!! And to shut me up they crushed my world, and quickly. God please help me find my purpose. Life without my child is so painful. I just go thru the motions. Literally. And if I become homeless again, I will join him absolutely. 55 and in a tent a one, no thanks. God bless you all for listening to my rants. It really should have been me!. 

[Lisa M.]

Roz,  I  am riding the struggle bus this week.  I have moments where I think I need to call Don and realize I can no longer do that.  The emotions are right on the surface,  ready to come out when I least expect.   I seem to have no control.   His birthday is Friday.   I remember that day like it was yesterday.   He was such a joy in my life and I miss him so very much.   I find myself talking  about him more lately.  Sometimes I still talk about him like he's still here.   Is that normal? I will bring up what he and his sister did as kids and then I'll say something like "and still do".    I leave it at that.  I don't say we'll at least his sister does.    I have had quite a few  melt downs as of late.  They just hit me randomly.  I think of you often.  You are so helpful to me.   I am grateful that I have you all.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Jerry's Life Still Matters,

IT MOST CERTAINLY DOES...  I lost my precious Garrett the same year as your precious Jerry,.  It is still ungodly painful, I think even worse.   My family who was always so close turned on me as well,.   I wasn't grieving the way they thought I should and I needed to pull myself together.  My Mum even fought with me at the grave site.   We have since found some ground but things are not the same.  I feel your pain and I am so sorry for your loss.   It is as well my great fear that people will forget Garrett.  I have not heard from even one of his friends and that breaks my heart, my boy really thought the world of three of them and I know my Garrett would have checked on their families had things been different.   My youngest brother as well refuses to speak with me.  His words... If I say my life is shattered it will piss him off".

I have been pushing myself to try and eliminate the negatives in my mind, things I regret doing or not doing, things others have done to hurt me or disrespect Garrett (To my way of thinking)  Images that can rip the heart from my cheast.   We are with you.  How old are your grandchildren.  They are as lost as you and looking for some form of guidance and stability.  Perhaps start to help yourself by helping them.  I do not know all the details of your situation and I am by no means giving advice, just suggestions.   I have been a rollercoaster of pain, rage and sorrow since we lost Garrett.  At times I know I am a mess to deal with.

I am a spiritual person and I will say once again that our children are close, trying to help us.  They have not left us.. that I believe from the bottom of my soul.    At times I can feel my Garrett.

Honey, I have said the same, it should have been me not my 22 year old son. I am 61 years old.  but it wasn't and that is a fact I have had to accept, not an easy one by any means but I cannot change what has happened no matter how much I wish that I could.

Just keep talking, we will listen and I can guarantee we understand.  

Love and hugs,

Jackie 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Lisa,

I do think the second year is harder. I too have been struggling to get through and I have days I am inconsolable.  I miss my son, his laugh, his hugs, his reason, everything about him, I miss!    I feel your pain and I hear you.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Changed]

Dear jerryslifemattered,   I’m so sorry for the loss of your son and the terrible family troubles you have had to go through.    My name is Roz and I lost my son , David, six years ago.  You are very welcome here and we do our best to be supportive to each other - we are all different but share the shattering loss of losing a child and all it brings .

Having your grandchildren in your life and knowing that they love you is a wonderful thing - I hope that can give you purpose .

I think that one of the most recurring statements on these pages is that we think that we ourselves should have died - not our children.  It is all so out of order and wrong for them to die first and that tortures us and fills us with guilt.    Our feelings are understandable and they haunt us.

Please take care and seek help wherever you can find it - don’t suffer in silence - we are always here to share our thoughts if you feel it helps you.   Roz 

[Changed]

Hi Lisa,  That’s rough - it’s a horrible feeling of being ‘unsafe’ when we have melt downs at the drop of a hat - I don’t  have them that often any more - all the core feelings are still there but the outward  presentation is under control.  All of last month was grim as Dave died on the last day of November 2016 - no amount of straight thinking could make me anything but miserable and weepy.    Carol and Virginia are facing the same this month and I feel for them.

You were saying that you speak of Don as if he’s still here and wondered if that’s normal - yes, it is normal and it offers us a sweet moment.  If strangers ( who I’ll probably never see again) ask me about my kids I speak as if David is still in Australia - it’s easier to do that .   I think that it would be a problem if I was stuck in denial and actually believed it.

I work hard on recognising that our lost child’s birthday is still a good date - we were lucky to have them and I never want to dread David’s birthday date    The date they died on is always going to be the most awful day of the year,  forever and ever.

Peace to you Lisa,  Roz x

[Changed]

Hi Jackie,  It’s amazing how you can be on my mind - all these miles away and without having ever met but there you were this afternoon as I got back from the bakers.   A magpie was on the corner of my roof and I had to squint to see what was in his beak - it was a huge green grape that he’d collected off my back lawn ( the sad,  older grapes go out for the blackbirds)  he was thinking for some time then flew down to the base of a small tree and set about concealing the grape - he was almost plaiting the grass around it.   I’ve never seen that before and thought  “ I must tell Jackie”  

I hope that your coping as best you can .  You’ve got a lot going on at the moment and it can take it’s toll so be kind to yourself.  Roz x

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz,

I am so glad you told me!  That is it oddball things the birds have done since I have lost Garrett.   Yesterday I was at work and went for a drink of water... There is a window out back and I wasn't very good.  I talked to Garrett and asked it he could just send me on of his special words (the birds).  I was really low.   I looked across the farm and the barren trees and there wasn't a bird in sight.   I told him thanks for trying and  I started to turn away.  Suddenly I say a movement of one of the branches... I looked again, closer to the window and a large red tailed hawk flew from the tree toward the jnj building.  I started to cry....  Our children are close.... I believe that to the bottom of my tattered, broken soul.    I have been thinking of you too Roz.  How are you doing?    I am roughing it through, probably at my most ungraceful but I am at least still trying.

Love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Dustins Mom]

Hi Jackie - loved this red-tailed hawk story; well all of them actually. I wanted to share what a possible deeper meaning your visits from Garrett and the hawk may be trying to tell you. They are highly revered by the Native Americans who live in harmony with all animals …. 
“The hawk reminds you to fly above and beyond your day-to-day thoughts and to observe them from a birds' eye view. Quieting the mind and detaching from your thought patterns puts you in a better position to take in messages from your angels, or spirit guides.” 

[Jacqueline3]

Thank You Angie, I know that I need to calm my mind more.... and the Red Tailed Hawk, I know has great spiritual meaning to many cultures.  Thank you for your encouragement.  Any contact I have with Garrett is so very precious (and never enough, but I think that is normal).  I love and miss him so very much.  The days are so difficult and sleeping is just a series of nightmares where I am either hunting for Garrett or people or something is taking  him from me....  This life I prayed I would never have to endure.  Thank you again love, it means a great deal to me.

Love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

jeryslifemattered i am so sorry to hear how rough you have had it. my name is michael rodriguez and i lost my son brian on april 14, 021 after surgery complications.....miss him and love him like you have no idea, so i like everybody else , feel as you do. 

as for every body else, lisa,jackie,roz,angie,virginia and whoever else i am missing.....just want to say hi , since i have not posted for a few days....

[Jacqueline3]

Good to hear from you Michael. I haven't been writing as much either, my emotions are fragile since a year and all over the place but think of you often, wondering how things are going especially since you havent posted for a little.

Dearest Jerryslifematters, I am thinking of you...

Thinking of everyone,

love and hugs

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Hi all. I am not in a good place right now. Coming up on 5 years. How is it possible? My emotions are all over the place. I am trying so hard, but I am so tired. It is a tired I feel in my soul. No amount of sleep will fix this. I sit in my pity party and grieve. And then feel bad because I got her for 18 years. Some didnt get that much. I want to scream and break things and hit things. But I cant. I have to keep on keeping on.

So sad, so alone. They have all forgotten us. No one says her name except me and Kyle. I will always say her name. I talk about nique all the time, tell him stories. 

I hate the world and all the happy oblivious people in it. I am sorry we are all here.

I am sorry the new folks had to find us, but as you can see we get it. You are not crazy or alone. We are here.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia,

You are not having a pity party.  We have a right to miss our children, a right that people seem to forget.  They forget that we are different now, not the same people we once were, they forget we are sad all the time even if we find a moment of levity (which are few and far between).  they forget while they go on with their whole lives, we are struggling to find a way to just survive our broken one.  I understand your anger and your pain.  No one speaks Garrett's name either except my eldest and my husband.  My youngest brother has yet to speak to me at all.   I too have much rage and anger and an unyielding pain that stabs at me every moment of every day..  Each day I awaken and think... "another day in hell".  I am struggling in my second year, I can only imagine the fifth.  I know you are tired and worn out.  I can comimiserate.  I do not know how to live this life.... but I know Garrett is close, is always close.   today again when I sat in a sea of pain and tears,  I looked out my window at my special place where I sit and talk with Garrett and watch the birds and a huge female turkey had made herself at home, in all the rain and mess, and again I had to cry.   I know Garrett is with me, telling me we will still walk this life together, just not in the way either of us had planned.  I miss my Garrett, I love him so much my heart bleeds and my arms ache to hold him tight.  This is a hellish road we are forced to walk and I am truly sorry for all of us.  We deserve better but especially our children deserve better.   I will gladly say Niques name, I hope she and Garrett have met..  You are not alone Virginia, I am with you... We are all with you on this heinous journey..

Love and Hugs,

Jackie

[Changed]

My dear Carol - I hope that you are managing .  I’m thinking about you as I know how you will be feeling right now.  Love Roz x

 

[Changed]

Oh Virginia,   overwhelming sadness at all you have lost in your life.    I don’t know how I can offer you any comforting words because I agree with you - it all sucks .   Terrible month,  especially for you and Carol.    
Setting the tone for Kyle mustn’t be easy when you feel as you do.   You sound exhausted.   You are in my thoughts, love Roz x

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

virginia, we are here and we remember nique , it is true that we physically did not meet her , but we all know her so well ...ill never forget about garrett or david or dustin or don...i dont expect you guys to forget about B +....we are the only ones that understand each other ..... so keep on venting to us !!!!!

[Dustins Mom]

Oh Michael! I just fell apart when I read your post and saw my Dustin’s name included. We see your Brian too. Did I ever mention Dustin’s middle name is Michael?
it’s only been since May 9th of this year since I last saw Dustin’s lifeless body lying on his bedroom floor. I try not to focus on that terrible memory but it’s the only way I can not slip into denial. He was a bit of a workaholic so I could go weeks without actually seeing him but he would always text his Momma with lots of ❤️❤️❤️❤️.    I think it’s finally sinking in that I won’t ever see him again and it’s hitting me this morning like a ton of bricks. I try so hard to stay strong in front of his brother - who’s lost both his Dad and his only sibling. He’s in the other room right now so I don’t even want to get up and face him. I know how badly he’s struggling with it all and don’t want to add to his burden. Thank you all for being the ones I can turn to, the ones who truly understand the depth of my pain and suffering. Please know I understand and send you much peace and love as we slowly march through this agonizing month that started on Dec.1 with the 11th anniversary of the loss of my husband Woody. Dec. 2nd of this year we lost a very dear friend to kidney complications. I can’t believe how my once very happy family of four has dwindled to just two. Thank you all for allowing me to unload - you’re the ones who keep me strong and know I’m never truly alone. Blessings ❤️

Angie 

[Changed]

Mason’s Mom,  Carol , I’m sending you the biggest hug .  It’s the 17th here in England already.
I know that you worry about how Mason felt and if he knew what was happening to him on this date five years ago.   For what it’s worth I don’t believe that it would have crossed his mind how serious it was -  it just wouldn’t have been on his radar at his young age.

Peace to you and your family.   Love Roz x