Loss of an Adult Child

[Diane R]

PatrickMorrow,

Your loss is so fresh; my heart really goes out to you!  I remember doing a zoom with a grief group shortly after our son passed and I couldn't get any words out; just tears.  I think it's great that you are seeking support here. 

For me, it feels so good to be "talking" with others that (sadly) have lost a child.

Diane

[patrickmorrow]

I agree, I'm a teacher and parents are saying that they are praying for me on my Zoom calls and I am breaking down. Lord help me:)

[Changed]

Patrick , I always think of the early grief of losing a child as a huge open wound - it’s raw and incredibly vulnerable.     As time goes by it tries to heal but is so large and deep that it struggles with every ordinary movement.    Eventually , it does knit and scabs over but a slight knock can lift the edges and causes it to bleed - it goes backwards for a while.     It catches on everything and needs protecting - its’ presence is constantly felt.   Even when the scab has gone and a scar is left - that scar is covering such an enormous area it is forever sensitive      This type of wound could not be stitched up to speed it’s’ repair - it had to take time and patience .

.      We all know that we will never be as we were before our losses - just as our love for them continues forever so will the wrongness of it all.   I trust that I will get to the stage when I can think of my son’s life without his death and that loss overtaking my thoughts.   I think some of the others here are better at that than me.    I don’t break down or cry everyday anymore - six years has brought me quite a way ..   I function well but the ‘happy’ in me is limited still - parents who had formed real friendships here in the years before I started reading spoke of enjoyment in life mingled with the talks of their children - all their children both here and gone before us - it sounded healthy .

Take care, Roz 
 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Patrick,  I lost my Garrett a little over a year ago and I still cry every day,multiple times a  day.  I miss him so very much.  I made a vow to Garrett and to myself  that I will not live this life without him.  I do not want to live a life without my son.  Given the tragedy that has forever shattered my life, I am working and slowly finding ways to make my vow a reality.  I am slowly finding my way.  That being said.  my days are definitely up and down and the pain I feel is no less than the day this nightmare began.  I have lived my life by what felt right and honorable to me and I always made a priority to do the best I could by raising my children with my heart regardless of how others did things.  I am proud I stood by my commitment to my three blessings.   I have been under much criticism from my family (not my two daughters and my husband) whom I have always been close to but I have to do this unwanted path I must now walk in the same manner.   I will do this by what is right for me and especially what is right for Garrett as we will continue to walk this life together.  I refuse to do it any other way. Perhaps My progress will be slower than others will think it should be but I cannot do this any other way.   I will not dishonor my son by doing so.

I am by no means telling anyone how to deal with this horror of loss only that be true to yourself and do things by your own heart and standards.   It is the only way you will find what little comfort can be found.

My heart bleeds for us all,

Love and hugs to everyone,

Jackie

[Changed]

Diane,    The ‘out of time’ aspect of our own child dying before us is so complex - as I was saying to Patrick , I don’t want my son’s death to overshadow his life ,     I want to be able to reminisce about him with pleasure and not sighs of what should have been.      When my mum died ,eight years ago, it was a normal, understood reaction to that loss.  That dwelling on her sad end was there but tales of her life dominated - funny stories and shared memories - that joyful celebration of her.
I’m not there with Dave yet, every time we talk of a lovely time we had with him it upsets us because he is gone and there will be no more of those moments in this life.    My husband and I must desensitise ourselves regarding these memories so we can relive them with pleasure - otherwise we are selling David short.     I think there may be something in my head that thinks that if I stop being sad when I speak of David’s life then I’ve stopped being sad that he died .  How silly is that ?    I know the rationale of it all - I need to work on it.

David’s wife is careful to keep her life with him and their son private because of her work and has asked me to respect that and not broadcast  their details -   because this is not a private site I understand her concern.     Although I am his mother - she is his wife.   We keep in touch and have had holidays with her and our grandson since Dave died.   It’s tough but necessary.  
 

I have hogged the page long enough.     Take care ,  Roz
 

 

[Changed]

Hi Jackie,  Everyone will grieve in their own way and in their own time - no one should expect you to conform to their idea of grieving  - especially for your own child.

Are your siblings and mother still giving you a hard time? - I thought they had backed off.

Although it’s been a year since you lost Garrett that isn’t a long time in these circumstances - I think that the ones who have been on the site for a while would agree - it’s a lot to face.

With your daughter being ill that has been extra worry for you and then you all getting covid - talk about stress.       I hope that you are able to rest up .

Do your birds change with the seasons?   My ‘spitting on the door’ gulls have gone!   We were away for a few days and never saw them again.   The robins are around and some wrens     Did you know that the robin in New Zealand has exactly the same behaviour as the red robin - that is a tame manner - but is black in colour - odd - I must check if they had red breast ones too otherwise I’m giving out misinformation. 

Thinking of you ,  Roz x
 

 

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz,

My Mum and siblings, all but one have been much better, especially my brother Rick who is five years younger than me.  He is facing his own battle as his cancer is now beyond treatment and all through his body.  He and I have had a difficult relationship over the years, given our views on religion are so different yet I think we are both happy we have found this ability to communicate and while we cannot change the others situation we have stepped in as a major support.  Still my eldest Jolene with all that she has been through and nearly losing her own life just a few short months ago is my biggest support, She and her wife. 

My birds have been a great comfort.  Just this morning the huge red tailed hawk perched outside my bedroom window for several minutes then flew away.  My feeders have been full of cardinals, house sparrows, white breasted nuthatches, several different kinds of woodpecker, black capped chickadees, and the tufted titmouse.  The catbirds thank heavens have left although I was kind of getting used to them... they were better behaved.   I am so happy your "spitting on the door" gulls have left... I would be curious to know about the robins...  I have found a special love with these birds....and I know they bring me special reassurance from my Garrett.  I can feel him.   

I do wish I could find happier dreams... I am still hunting my baby boy,   Screaming Garrett's name over and over as i run like a crazy woman searching or seeing him as a young child playing at the coffee table and I'm running from door to door, thinking I have time to save him.  Behind each door is a doctor..they never talk until the last doctor laughs and says its  too late  and my soul shatters and my heart bleeds all over again.

Thanks for always listening...

Love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

9 hours ago, patrickmorrow said:

I agree, I'm a teacher and parents are saying that they are praying for me on my Zoom calls and I am breaking down. Lord help me:)

Robert it is good to know others are praying for you. I  remember in the early days my husband and I would just go for drives to get away from home. We went out of the area to shop,  I didn't want to see people I knew,  if someone brought up Mason I would break down and it also upset me when I saw people and they didn't acknowledge me. It felt like a no win situation. Now I am at a place where I want everyone to talk about him, he is no longer here to make memories and I never want him to be forgotten. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, you never hog the page. Your words are comforting and just knowing you have been on this path longer than many of us helps to understand we are not alone. 

Jackie we have storms moving through our area this evening so today the birds were very active. I  stepped outside at lunch and I several birds and at least  4 cardinals. In the spring and summer we have brown  headed cow birds that chase away the song birds. They are gone now.

 

[char char]

On 11/3/2022 at 10:52 AM, KsMom said:

Hi everyone

Just wanted to mention that I have very recently started to listen to some podcasts regarding grief which I have found to be interesting. I just finished Anderson Cooper's All There Is podcast and started another one called Always Andy's Mom. I haven't listened to any podcasts before so this is new ground for me. Have any of you come across some that you find helpful.

I'm starting to get nervous with Christmas coming. Last year we went to a drive through light display on the 22nd. Kaitlin went into hospital for the final time the next day. We are definitely not up to being with extended family. One of my sons is of the mindset - why do anything differently, the other is saying just cancel everything. My husband mentioned traveling but we have three cats at two different households.

How have/do you all handle Christmas?

Theresa

     Roz, thank you for thinking about me I'm trying to move closer to my other children who live about 3 hours from me its hard for me to even go into his room with out breaking down.. it hurts so bad

 

[Changed]

Diana’s mom,   How are you managing?   I know that it’s so hard to keep your footing and unimaginable that you are in this nightmare.    I hope that you are finding help from somewhere - we are not experts here in anything but living with the same heartache as you.   Kindest thoughts, Roz x

[Changed]

Char Char,  I cannot imagine how hard and torturous that is to go into his room given what happened.   .   It sounds like a wise plan , on lots of levels,   to move closer to your other children .  I feel for you.  Roz x

[Changed]

Jackie - I wish those dreams / nightmares would stop being so cruel.   You are suffering so badly.

I’m sure everyone at home can see how terrible it all is for you and would love to be able to help but ,as you say , you will do it the only way that you can.    Just be sure to shout out if it starts to feel impossible to keep going - poor Judith-Fay is on my mind and I know that you were trying to reach out and help her.      
Tell me a little more about Garrett’s artwork - I have that image of him concentrating on it - I’d like to know more.  And your own crafts too - I know you couldn’t care less about it right now but it will not do us any harm to chat - our brains need a break .   

You will always have Garrett with you - you will take him through your life with you.    We can all understand that .     Get as much rest as you can - I expect those night terrors don’t help - could they be exacerbated by your meds?   My husband dreams after reading at night before sleep - he dreams the book !  Scary.    Could a little meditation before sleep help ?  Trying not to take your daytime worries and distress into sleep with you - easier said than done , I know.   How about one of those gentle tapes to listen to.   Anything is worth a try - you need rest .   It wouldn’t be forgetting Garrett - take him on the restful moments before sleep too.     

l know that you felt undeserved guilt about Garrett’s illness - you did everything that you could and should have.     Have you reconciled that in your mind do you think?     I think that we all, as parents, take blame on board - for everything as they grow up.    Even when there is absolutely nothing we could have known or altered - we still absorb guilt.     Go easy.  Roz x

[ButterflyFabi]

19 hours ago, patrickmorrow said:

I agree, I'm a teacher and parents are saying that they are praying for me on my Zoom calls and I am breaking down. Lord help me:)

Hey Patrick, I am about to start my job after my loss. I am praying that God help me with strength to continue with my work. At times work could be stressful, but also I will have lots of support, which hopefully help me with the transition. 
 

Celeste, Fabi’s mom 

[patrickmorrow]

I found work to be very good for me. All my coworkers were so compassionate I have so many stories, and so many good feelings that I look forward to hearing how yours goes. God bless you God will be with you.

[Mason’s Mom]

Work was and still is a way for me to escape some of the pain.  My job requires a lot of attention.  Focusing on resolving issues and teaching others helps me. When I returned to the office I had a great support team however in March 2020 we were sent home to work.The first year was very difficult not only was I home all day there were so many restrictions and social gatherings were limited so I had too much time on my hands. 

[Diane R]

PatrickMorrow,

Your loss is so fresh; my heart really goes out to you!  I remember doing a zoom with a grief group shortly after our son passed and I couldn't get any words out; just tears.  I think it's great that you are seeking support here. 

For me, it feels so good to be "talking" with others that (sadly) have lost a child.

Diane

[Diane R]

Mason's Mom, you reminded me that when our loss was new there were times when I could not stop crying.  Invariably it was late at night (2 am or...).  My husband would take me to a shopping mall parking lot with our dog and we would walk. I often did not wear a jacket and I found that the fresh, cold air helped to shake me loose from the intense pain that I was stuck in. I just needed to get out of the house and away from all the memories that it holds.  It was something that helped me and I need to remember that when the next "flood" comes along.

 

[Dianas Mom]

Roz x-Thank you for thinking about me. You asked how I was managing. Not as well as I would like. I'm dreading the holidays without Diana. Mother's day came shortly after she passed, the pain was unbearable without her and I will never look forward to another Mother's day again. I've been looking at old photos taken years ago and just wish I could go back to those days when all was well and our family was whole and happy. I'm fortunate to have those memories, but mourn that we will never be together again here on earth. One by one, I've lost my mom, my dad, my husband, my twin brother, other relatives, friends, pets, acquaintances and now Diana. I'm still trying to find a purpose and meaning for me to go on. Grief is a long, hard, brutal journey. We are here together sharing our losses, knowing we are not alone. The solace and compassion is immeasurable. I care for each of you and send my love to you all.

Yvonne 

[Changed]

Dear Yvonne,    Thank you for that.     It is all so difficult to make any sense  of why children should go before their parents - it’s so wrong .

Will you be with others over thanksgiving and Christmas?    Try not to ask too much of yourself  - it can be quite exhausting with the same thoughts constantly whirling around our heads apart from having to do anything else - although many here say that going to work helps them.    Peace to you,  Roz
 

 

 

 

[ButterflyFabi]

On 11/7/2022 at 6:50 AM, Changed said:

Dear Yvonne,    Thank you for that.     It is all so difficult to make any sense  of why children should go before their parents - it’s so wrong .

Will you be with others over thanksgiving and Christmas?    Try not to ask too much of yourself  - it can be quite exhausting with the same thoughts constantly whirling around our heads apart from having to do anything else - although many here say that going to work helps them.    Peace to you,  Roz
 

 

 

 

Roz, 

I just went back to work this week(2 days), by  noon on Tuesday. I couldn’t hold anything else.  Fabi and I, We used to shared when someone at work make us annoyed. I am the oldest staff from the female at work and their work ethic is not good. I got irritated but on Monday I manage to ignored that. However, on Tuesday was unbearable as I also noticed that my work was still behind because the people assigned to do it didn’t advanced any of my tasks. 
My boss has been very supportive, but he works remotely and is not aware of things at work. I understand some people do manage to go back to work sooner than I have. I wish I know if the environment affects them at all. 
I am also dealing with my other daughter, she just turned 21 and has been del way from college since she graduated on 2020. Now she doesn’t fell like completing this semester at all : ( she doesn’t have the motivation and I don’t know how to talk to her properly, without making her irritated.  
 

Definitely my family is not doing well and I am just trying to keep it together with the feeling that I am failing. 
 

Fabiola’s Mom

[ButterflyFabi]

I forgot to mentioned, I have taken two days off as I discussed with my boss, I’ll be starting working part time (that’s a great suggestion by my therapist). 
 

Fabi’s mom 

[Michael Rodriguez]

well hello to everybody ,it has been a while since i have posted ......but i am still here; not getting rid of me that easy. 

Fabi´s mom , in my case, i was at work just a couple of days after B left us .....i had to run away from home , i could not deal with it ....it is still very hard. when i walk upstairs and look at Brian´s room down the hall way ....ill say "love you son" or "i miss you son" .

BTW , B´s girlfriends´ name was also fabiola and we also call her fabi, she is an architect and she does a lot of remodeling , she has not found a new boy friend and she comes over quite often ....last nite she came home and made some nachos and tonite we are having a pizza as ill be watching football. we love her , and she has become like a daughter to us , her parents moved to the states years ago , but she decided to stay in honduras ....so we have become her extended family and our adopted child. although most of B´s friends still show up at home quite often. 

i guess i just spoke about me and not about your issues at work.....if you rather stay home and work remotely , just do it. maybe you need that time alone where you can scream and yell and get it out of your chest ....do what is best for you.

How is everybody else doing? i was on a business trip and i saw quite a number of comments but i was just able to read a few.

 

[Changed]

Michael,   how happy that made me to see you post again.   Your ongoing relationship with B’s girlfriend and his friends is wonderful and says a lot about your family.    Take care , Roz x

Jackie,  you are very quiet - please let us know how you are.   Roz x

Fabi’s Mom ,  your supportive boss is exactly as it should be.  Sorry that your colleagues aren’t pulling their weight  though.    Your daughter will have to make her own decision but I understand how delicate you have to be about giving her advice - maybe chat through her choices and the possible consequences but stress that’s it’s her own decision to make.   Be gentle with yourself ,  Roz  x

[Dustins Mom]

Yesterday was the official 6-month mark since losing my son Dustin. He will be (or would’ve been - can’t quite get the past tense into the conversation yet) having his 40th birthday this Saturday.
Today is the anniversary of the day I met my late husband (and Dustin’s Dad) in 1975 just a few months after I’d graduated from high school. It was literally love at first sight 😍.
After 35 years of marriage I lost him in car accident in Dec. 2011. 
So on Saturday I’ll be trying to celebrate the day Dustin was born without the two most important people responsible for this day. We do have another older son, Shawn, who is struggling to deal with these double losses as well. But he will be by my side, along with my daughter-in-law of 20 years and my boyfriend who has accepted me, completely open-hearted, with all my grief and baggage. 
We’ll be bbqing hamburgers (Dustin’s favorite), hanging the Happy Birthday sign up in the house. In my backyard we’ll be planting an apple tree surrounded by tulip bulbs to honor Dustin’s memory. I received the tree from a family member when he first passed but haven’t had the energy to plant it yet. And of course I’ll be baking him a cake 🎂 he won’t be able to eat. Hopefully he’ll be able to at least hear us singing to him. 
If anyone has any other ideas I’d be open to hearing them. I was going to try and have a bigger party but decided the 4 of us will be enough. Thank you for reading my story. 🙏🏼❤️ 

[patrickmorrow]

Bless you, I hope you find peace and joy. I can tell you really loved your son!!!

[Dustins Mom]

Thank you so much Patrick! Yes I loved him immensely and unconditionally and will love and miss him with a deep aching in my soul for the rest of my days. He had such a sweet, sensitive soul and as much as he was devastated when his Pops died, he was first and foremost a Momma’s boy. 🥰❤️

[Michael Rodriguez]

well dustin´s mom, that is way more than i would dare to do with out breaking in 10,000 pieces !!! so , on my behalf, happy birthday dustin!!! enjoy the singing and hope you can imagine how good your moms´cooking is !!!!!!

[Dustins Mom]

Thank you Michael 🙏🏼❤️ I don’t know what else to do but to try and keep my mind and my calendar busy. I’m retired now so am able to spend hours every week watching videos, reading and studying all aspects of death, dying and grief. Somehow it’s helping when nothing and no one else can. 
I didn’t have that luxury when my husband died and I suffered through it on my own for a very long time. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

you are very welcome !!!

[Mason’s Mom]

Dustin's Mom, we have had a Birthday celebration for Mason every year since he has been gone. The first year I didn't want to gather with anyone.  I  wanted the day  to  myself.  His cousins and other family members wanted a dinner.  We made reservations and the waitress asked what we were celebrating and my husband told her. She brought a cake to our table,  I  burst into tears.  She meant well and I know that but at the time it was just to much. Since the first year the gatherings have grown and this year we had two. One for family and another for friends that we consider family.  It warms my heart to see everyone come together in his honor. The first year I asked everyone to perform an act of kindness in his honor,  I told them it was their choice to tell the recipient why they did it or keep between them and Mason 

Fabi's Mom, let your emotions be the guide for working.  My youngest is in college as well and she has struggled a few times,  she is seeing a therapist and it is helping. I recently found out that she felt she had to be strong for me and didn't allow herself to grieve fully. 

Jackie,  thinking about you.  Let us know you are okay. 

 Michael it was  great that you have maintained the relationship with B's gf.

 

[Dustins Mom]

Thank you for the responses! We made it through the day with flying colors. I woke up to find my older son had hung the birthday banner on my fireplace right over his (not so) little brother’s ashes. Then he went out and bought new tires and tubes for Dustin’s pit bike/motorcycle. I read the birthday card out loud and we all sang Happy Birthday without falling apart. All in all it was a very good day. I heard several people say the days leading up to his birthday would be worse than the actual day itself and that proved to be true for us as well. Thank you everyone. Your presence helps in so many ways. - Angie 🙏🏼❤️

[Mason’s Mom]

Jackie, I am thinking about you and Garrett.

[Dustins Mom]

@Jacqueline3 You’ve been on my mind too Jackie. Sending love and hugs - we miss your presence here. ❤️ - Angie 

[Michael Rodriguez]

good morning jackie, have not heard from you for a while. thinking of you and garrett. 

angie , how nice you were able to enjoy dustin´s b´day !!!!!

[Jacqueline3]

Hello everyone,

Thank you all so much reaching out.  I have been okay but more solemn and trying to find some footing.  My Garrett's birds have been plentiful and I just saw the large red tailed hawk and her little one that has been around the house.  The birds help and I am glad I still have them coming...I do believe Garrett has a hand in that.. Got rid of my mooching deer by shifting the feeders around and up but the squirrels can be horrendous.   I have one baby one that is a prodigy gymnast.  He or she is driving me nuts.   thanks for asking after me.   I am struggling  but holding what little ground I have. God, I miss my boy.    I think of you al so much.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

no worries jackie , we all miss our kids. we know exactly how you feel! but i am happy that you still have your birds and the acrobatic baby squirrel !!!! just keep us posted 

[Diane R]

I am new to the site and not sure of the back story on your birds Jackie. I’d be interested in hearing more. I, too, got some bird feeders after Dan passed. Somehow it gives me comfort to see and listen to these little creatures.

For two weeks after our son died we had a very large 6 tipped buck that would come in our yard at night. He would lay down and just watch us, never spooking or running away. Somehow I felt my son’s presence through this deer and I would go out every night to see him. It was sad for me when he stopped coming. I’m wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Diane R,

I am so sorry for your loss but I am glad you have found us.  We do know your pain and sorrow.. 

The birds have been that for me.... After we lost Garrett the robins in the yard were prolific.  Outside of my sewing room I began to see a multitude of birds congregating where they had never congregated in the 21 years we had lived here, especially cardinals (my favorite) and woodpeckers (My Garrett's favorite).  That is when I began to put feeders out and my husband finished a bench Garrett and I had started and put it out for me to sit on.  The cardinals have come at most unusual and strange times when I am most broken, when they should not come. There is also a large red tailed hawk that hangs around the house now and I see her sitting on fences as i come from the store or go to work.  Once or twice, I could see but this bird comes all the time, usually when I am most distraught.

One day I sat on the bench and screamed at the heavens and told my wonderful son even the birds were not helping, I missed him so much... the next day a giant wild turkey came to our living room window and just stood and pecked at it.  When I came to the window it sauntered away as if it had all the time in the world.   I have no doubt in my heart or soul that was my boy. That is exactly the kind of thing Garrett would do.  I do not believe every bird in the world is sent from my boy but there are some, i know without doubt are messages, words of encouragement he has sent to me.   I have said it many times, I am not a religious person but a very spiritual one.   I do believe out children are close and trying to help us.  I believe the love we share with our child binds us even across this painful divide and one day we will be together again.

Thinking of you all,

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Diane R]

Thank you for sharing that with me Jackie!  I am so glad that the birds and turkeys bring you solace. Garrett must have been a very giving person. May I ask how old he was when he passed?  I am so sorry for your loss.  I keep looking for signs or dreams or something to bring Dan closer to me.  I wonder if the pain I am in is blocking that connection.  I really don't know.

I appreciate your sharing your bird story with me. I, too, believe that our children are close by.  Just trying to figure out how to go forward in this world. The days seem empty of real joy and I have a hard time relating to others who's worlds just keep moving along - birthdays, weddings, babies being born.....

With gratitude for all of you,

Diane

[Jeannine]

I'm having a hard time dealing with the death of my son, barely a year, all of a sudden I can't stop crying, my chest and head feel like exploding 

[Diane R]

I have been there Jeannine!  Do you have a friend, family member you can call?  It would be good for you to talk or be with someone.  It helped me to get outside in the cold and move around or even to get out in public (harder to cry in public).  Sometimes just breaking the cycle - even for a bit of time- can help. I really care and can keep communicating with you so you are not alone.

Sending you a hug,

Diane

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Jeannine,  I lost my son one year and two months ago.   I was in a terrible state but I hit a year and spiraled into a hell all its own.  I think for me the first year I could say last year Garrett and I did this together or that together.  I can no longer say that because last year he wasn't here.  I too have been crying nonstop. I miss Garrett terrible.  I also feel like my heart and soul have shattered anew.  I am thinking of you Jeannine, my boy passed on August 30th, my 60th birthday....  I am right there with you... hold on to us....

Dearest Diane my Garrett was just 22 years old.  An undiagnosed anomoly with his liver took his life in less than a week... It reared its head and he was gone.  He was a very giving soul yet a stubborn one (unyielding in his belief of what was right and wrong) and he walked this world to his own drum beat.  The world of course is cruel to any soul that is different.  He and I spent much time together, his sisters have both left home and his father travels with his job.  He is my youngest and my greatest surprise.  I had fertility issues and my husband and I had stopped after our two girls thinking we had tampered with nature enough... but to my great surprise 2 and 1/2 years later I had a dream my beautiful little girls were playing with their baby brother and low and behold I became pregnant all on my own.with my Garrett..   I miss him terribly and still cry each and every day, multiple times a day yet i know he is close... I was crying with the birds just the other day and I heard .... "calm Jackie, we need calm Jackie."  it was something he would say to me with the election in 2020 because i would get so upset.  He would say that and pat my arm like I was a rabid dog and when I looked up he would be smiling with that goofy grin of his and I'd laugh and calm Jackie was back.

Our children are close...

love and hugs, my heart bleeds for us all

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

jeannine , i am michael and my son Brian parted 19 months ago last monday. yesterday in particular was kind of rough; days that i will get hit harder than others , but i always miss him. 

we all understand what you are dealing with and dont hesitate to reach out, to vent, to scream......get everything out of your chest .....we are here to do exactly the same thing 

[NiquesMom]

I am trying not too spiral but I am.

I went to the dermatologist for my 6 month checkup (had basal cell carcinoma 2 years ago. Best skin cancer to get because slow growing and rarely metastasizes). Had to have a biopsy done. Worried this time its melanoma which is bad. This spot didn't look like the BSC did. Thats whats worrying me. Won't know for 5-7 days. 

My brother and his wife are sick with respiratory issues. Worries me after watching Christopher for 9 months fight to live.

Just stuck in my head and my feelings. Worrying about what will happen too kyle if I am sick after he watched his dad fight and ultimately die.

Feel alone and scared and dont want to bother my brother because he is sick right now.

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Dear Virginia, try not to worry - big ask, I know.    It’s so understandable that Kyle is at the forefront of everything in your life and I know that you are more concerned for him than yourself with what the biopsy results will be.     
You are doing a very good job of protecting him and enriching his life and you could do without this headache.     I only wish I could offer you more than words of support .

I trust that it’s something benign and that you can soon rest easier.     Roz x

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Dear Jeannine,   I’m so sorry , losing a child is beyond anything we could have ever imagined we would endure.     I lost my own son , David , six years ago on the last day of this month - I have felt each November bring an even darker gloom to my life - I limp through it.   My daughter feels the same.     Maybe , that is why it feels worse for you right now .

We are all different personalities, life experiences and with different circumstances surrounding the death of our children so it stands to reason that we may grieve differently - outwardly and internally.    
I have changed a lot over the past few years and have learnt to cope with triggers and anniversaries- this November gloom just arrives then the actual day comes and goes .   I want his birthdays to be nice thoughts and family times without him there to be as he’d have liked them to be - I’m trying hard to focus my gaze away from his death and onto his life - I’ve not cracked it yet.

Take care,  Roz.

[Michael Rodriguez]

virginia, as so many instances before in this site i am lost as what to say. but believe me that i will be praying for you that is not a melanoma. i can not imagine how you are feeling and to ask you to be strong, from you is a very hard task , afetr everything you have been thru. 

only thing i can say is , as always , we are here for each other even if it is on a long distance chat. 

do try to stay possitive !!!!!

[NiquesMom]

Thank you Michael and Roz. Here I am at 2 am unable to sleep again. I sit here in a puddle of self pity. I know there are such worse things that could happen too me, and I try to remember there are a lot of good things in my life. But right now all I want is my husband to hug me and tell me its all ok.

I think its the feeling of being alone thats so hard.

Kyle asked how my appt was and I explained about the biopsy and waiting for the results. I worry I am giving too much info to him, but I would rather be honest then try to hide anything..

I am missing nique more this year. I wish she was here to spend time with kyle. They have so much in common now: horror movies, anime, ramen, simpsons. Its funny to see the similarities considering they have different dads and he was only 4 when she died. I wonder if they would like each other?

Jackie, patrick, diane, jeannine, angie and all others on here (sorry if I forget names, brain is not the same, cant remember things anymore)....for me the holidays are so hard, seeing people smiling and happy when I feel like I hate them all for being happy when I am so sad. Try not too feel bad if all you want to do is lay in bed with the covers over your head. Life sucks all around without our kids, but for me the holidays cut deeper. Hang on.

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Virginia,  I hope that you have fallen off to sleep by now and are able to get some rest .

Nique and Kyle do love each other and I’m certain they like each other too .   It hurts not to see it in front of you in the way you expected but trust that it is there in a much bigger way.   I cannot believe that our time with our children in this life is all that there is.  Roz x