Loss of an Adult Child

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Dear Patrick, Char Char and CHiraldo

I am thinking of you all and how you are coping .

I hope that you are able to find the strength from somewhere to get through each day and manage to find some peace from the onslaught of emotions.

Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

On 10/24/2022 at 11:13 PM, Dianas Mom said:

It's now just past 6 months since I lost my daughter Diana. For about the first 3 months I was in a state of shock and excruciating emotional pain. I had a difficult time functioning at all, my mind jumped from one thought to another without the ability to control it. I thought that by now I would see some small progress on this grief journey. I was wrong. The pain is more profound, my heart heavier, the sorrow relentless. I feel empty, so lonely for my child. My daughter was 62 when she passed, older than any others I've seen posted here. Some may think it is easier to lose a child who has lived a longer life than having lost them in their youth. I can tell you, it's not any easier. Part of me has died with her, I will always miss her, always miss everything about her. When I awake each morning, I cannot believe I will survive for the next moment nor every moment after that. I haven't yet found the meaning or purpose to go on. I find myself often in the "if only" place--if only I could hold her one more time--if only I could see her smile--or hear her infectious laugh--or tell her I love her one more time. One step forward, two steps back-------------hoping I will find my way.   

People say things when they think it is comforting. It doesn't matter how many years we had them with us. It just doesn't seem right for a parent to out live a child. I had Mason 21 years and I question why all the time. I play the if only as well. A few weeks ago I read messages between Mason and I and cried the entire time. He  didn't always make choices that I was happy with and some of the messages were not so nice. The last evening we had with him was good. We hugged and I told him how much I loved him and I was proud to see him doing so well. He had a job he was proud of and he was talking about our family Christmas.

We give a scholarship in his honor each year. I also try to do random acts of kindness in his honor. It gives me purpose as I try to honor him. 

 

[char char]

Roz, thank you for the concern I'm at such a loss my mind is so overwhelmed and the hurt is getting worse as the days go by I miss him even more than befor I pray that some how it will become less painful. 

[Ramona66]

Hi all. I am still here reading all your replies. It's been a little  over 9 months now.

Jackie thank you so much for reaching out to us all...even those who don't post much like myself. I do greatly  appreciate  your words of encouragement 

I also thank a out all of you and you all help me to get through my day knowing...unfortunately...I am not on the lonely path of grief. I wanted to share  this picture  I took  yesterday  out the window of my job. I just think it is so  beautiful  and inspirational if I can figure out how to post it

 

[Ramona66]

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Thanks for sharing your pic - it’s perfect -  I’m trying to post one but it tells me it’s too big - looks all in order to me but I’m not any good at  this      Roz

[Ramona66]

36 minutes ago, Changed said:

Thanks for sharing your pic - it’s perfect -  I’m trying to post one but it tells me it’s too big - looks all in order to me but I’m not any good at  this      Roz

Hi Roz

 

it was telling me the same thing to. I had to save it as a file and then go and the change the size from 100 to 50

[Jacqueline3]

Beautiful image of hope Ramona...  thanks for sharing with all of us!

My pictures tell me the same thing Roz.   My daughter had to show me how to do what Ramona did to make her smaller.....I am no good at computers either...

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

The very first picture of my three children, I was huge with Garrett ( and loved every moment.  I am one of those women who absolutely loved being pregnant, the best I have ever looked was carrying my children.).  One of the last pictures I have of the three together.  They are all 21/2 years apart.  It breaks my heart all over again.... I am very melancholy and sad tonight.   I miss my Garrett so much!   My heart is crying tears of pain...

jackie

[Dustins Mom]

Oh Jackie! What adorable pictures of you and your babies. I think those are the pics that break me the most. So much hope and innocence and not knowing the tragedy that was coming for them, for us. 
From early on Dustin was so sweet and kind and gentle even though he came into this world weighing 10 lb, 8 oz! His birthday is fast approaching and I’m trying my best to plan a day of remembrance to celebrate the day he was born. He hasn’t even been gone six months yet so it’s not going to be easy. Guess I just wanted to share this picture after seeing your babies’ pics Jackie. Sending you love and a big hug - Angie 

[Jacqueline3]

Oh, Angie, Dustin is such a doll!!   10 lbs 8 oz, oh my...Garrett was my largest baby and he was 8ibs 2 oz and born face up,  He was my surprise!  I had infertility problems and Garrett showed up all on his own.  I do know what you mean... I see pictures and think in "X" amount of years tragedy would strike and we were all oblivious... the pain is so real and so poignant yet even after a year it is surreal and heartbreaking.  I love and miss Garrett so much!  Thank you for sharing your picture of Dustin, he is such a sweetheart!  Good luck with Dustin's birthday, I sat in shock on Garrett's 23rd birthday... I hope to do something more honoring for Garrett next year.

love and hugs always,

Jackie

[Dustins Mom]

This will be Dustin’s 40th, which is so hard to fathom anyway. But it’s why I’m feeling the need to do something extra special for him I suppose. I’m hanging the same Happy Birthday sign that just got hung a few weeks ago for me, and a week later for my boyfriend.
My other son and my daughter-in-law have been living on my property with me for the past few months and it’s proving to be very comforting to all of us. At another grieving Mom’s suggestion, we’ve decided to plant a tree with some bulbs around it that day. Also hoping to let some of his friends come by and pick out a particular hat or t-shirt of Dustin’s they might like to keep. He was a loyal Chargers fan and has a lot of motorcycle related shirts. It’s a popular pastime where he grew up in the desert. It’s 2 weeks away so I’m still working things out in my head but I’m sure it’ll be what it is. I just don’t have the same level of emotional or physical energy lately and I refuse to stress out over it. Even if it’s just a few of us that gather and me baking a cake for my boy I’ll be okay. 

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Thanks for help - creating a file worked.   
 This pic happened a few years ago - my husband and I had been walking along the sea front when a huge rainbow seemed to arc from where our house is and out to sea.   We said it was David saying Hi.   Anyway, we enjoyed it and went home to a cuppa.  
I was sat in my armchair having that cup of tea when a light caught my eye landing on the table and plant across the room.  I was surprised that any sunlight reached there at that time of day but even more captivated that it was like a mini rainbow dead ahead.    So surprised that I took it’s photograph.   
l’ve never seen anything like it there before or since - I really felt connected and convinced it came from my son.    Roz

 

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Beautiful photos girls.   Such happy moments captured - regardless of what was to come .  Roz x 

 

 

[Mason’s Mom]

10 hours ago, Jacqueline3 said:

The very first picture of my three children, I was huge with Garrett ( and loved every moment.  I am one of those women who absolutely loved being pregnant, the best I have ever looked was carrying my children.).  One of the last pictures I have of the three together.  They are all 21/2 years apart.  It breaks my heart all over again.... I am very melancholy and sad tonight.   I miss my Garrett so much!   My heart is crying tears of pain...

jackie

You look so happy. What a beautiful family.

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Just had to share a picture of me and Mason. Both so young.I was 30 already 9 years older than Mason when he left us.

[Ramona66]

10 hours ago, Jacqueline3 said:

The very first picture of my three children, I was huge with Garrett ( and loved every moment.  I am one of those women who absolutely loved being pregnant, the best I have ever looked was carrying my children.).  One of the last pictures I have of the three together.  They are all 21/2 years apart.  It breaks my heart all over again.... I am very melancholy and sad tonight.   I miss my Garrett so much!   My heart is crying tears of pain...

jackie

Jackie

 

what beautiful pictures and a beautiful family. You too are a beautiful woman!!! 

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you Roz, Ramona and Carol, The picture where I am pregnant with Garrett and holding the girls has always been a favorite picture of mine. Carol i love you picture of you and Mason and Roz the rainbow on your plant is perfect.   I am still melancholy and sad.  I feel like the weight of my broken, shattered world is riding on my back.  I love and miss Garrett so much!!  Thinking of you all... 

To Judith's son, I think of you often... please reach out if you need anything.... I am so sorry for your loss.  I truly adored your mother and think of her.

Love and Hugs to all,

Jackie

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Angie,  I do hope that you stay connected to this site - your insight and attitude towards our grieving brings hope and a sort of permission - if that makes any sense .  Love , Roz

 

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What is every one up to this weekend?   I keep thinking that I should try and do something different before the days get shorter and we start putting everything off for the spring.
  My daughter asked if we’d like to go over to the continent for the Christmas markets - just a long weekend with her and her husband - I’ve not run it by my husband because I know he’d say yes - he loves travel and anything  that has fun connected to it.    I’m not keen to be honest, it’s not a grief thing though - it’s that type of break - All wrapped up roaming around seasonal markets for things I don’t want , being offered sausages and spiced food and warmed alcohol ( spiced as in cinnamon not spicy as in chilli) .    We will go away with them for a city break abroad but maybe best in the spring ( there you go !) .  We did go to Lisbon ,Portugal together and that was enjoyable - exploring the place and evenings full of excellent food in tiny restaurants .    I think a trip that is less ‘ themed ‘ would suit me best  given that I haven’t put up Christmas decorations since David died and that I am hosting Christmas here this year which will span several days so I will have plenty of planning to do for that. 

I am aware that this long post is written as if it’s a message to a pal and not about grieving .    The thing I liked about this site when I was first reading it ,years ago after losing Dave ,  was how although new parents joined and were supported the longer serving members chatted about their ongoing lives - their lows and their highs - sport, travel or the weather - and I think that shone a light on how grief changes - I couldn’t imagine that I’d ever care about any of that again but they showed me that you will.     That’s probably the permission I was speaking to Angie about earlier - the permission to find joy and interest again without guilt.   What all our children , here or gone before us , would want for us.     Love Roz x
 

 

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Patrick,  How was your first week back at work ?   It must have been very difficult and not seem like reality.  This will be hard for both you and your wife being apart throughout the day and not by each other’s side for support.

I felt very unsafe in the early months after losing David - it took very little to knock me over emotionally and I felt as if I was dragging myself around even though there was many necessary excruciating journeys and demands on my husband, daughter and myself  we managed in an almost out of body way and from the outside would have appeared ‘ok’. 
 Even though you will have feared the worse for your son I doubt we could ever imagine how devastating and all encompassing the loss will be.  It’s brutal.   

I so wish there was more I could do to help you.     Dustin’s mom left a link a few pages back to another group that you may like to check out .    

my kindest thoughts to you and your wife,  Roz
 

 

[patrickmorrow]

Hi Roz,

First week back was all over the place like you stated. My emotions are on my sleeve and the littlest act of kindness would make me tear up. Many people have shared similar losses with me so I do not feel so alone. I know that the finality is brutal on my emotional state. I so want to talk to him one more time as we lost him on a night were we were blindsided. Thank you for caring and may God bless you today for your kindness.

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Char Char, just checking in on you .    Horrible , horrible shock of it all.  
We have often spoken here about how it’s like PTSD and what our minds are dealing with after losing a child.   The circumstances can be very different but the loss is the same and it hurts more than anyone could imagine.

I know you said that you’d only just signed a lease on your property - will you stay  ?     Does it make any difference do you think?      I remember my mum’s neighbour’s her daughter - late teens I think- drowned in the bath after having an epileptic fit.   The neighbour came home mid afternoon  from shopping to find her daughter - that mother’s screams were beyond pain    She stayed at that house although we thought she’d never be able to.    She found some sense of belonging there.

I hope that your daughter is able to share with you and not retreat.   It’s so difficult and everyone copes in their own way.

please take care,  Roz x
 

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Patrick ,  keep talking to your son.   I remember after we returned from Australia ( where David was living and died )  having a very private , but spoken out loud , conversation with him - it was late in the night and it was as if I was having a phone call with him - when you see in your mind’s eye who you’re speaking to- I apologised for anything as his mum I’d got wrong and anything he’d done ( whether I knew about it or not)  was all forgiven .   All put away and only our love for each other left. 
That ‘call’ helped me so much - I believed that we were talking about what was important and it wasn’t mistakes or wrong-doings- it was a very special love.   
Like probably everyone else I do talk to him all the time  -  in my head or an audible thought - but that night’s conversation was somehow very different and profound.  
 
Get what rest you and your wife can - I’m pleased that you have more empathetic help - lived experiences makes such a difference,  Roz x

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Dear Diana’s mom,    I’ve been thinking about you- I did leave you a message on the last page but I’m not sure that you are still reading here.   I hope that you are getting help and support from close by - I could not cope with kindness in the early months of losing David from anyone apart from my small family and when I started posting here - not sure I could now, to be honest, but no one says anything anyway.     I wanted to run away and hide and not deal with anything .   We are all so very different in what makes us tick .

Is there anything that I can do to help you ?   We are limited to simply caring about each other as we are not even in the same country to do anything practical.   Please let us know that you are reading - no need to post - just tap the heart below right on this message, Roz x

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CHiraldo and Romona,    Here we all our in this place of , I hope, comfort and friendship .   We need somewhere to feel ‘the same as’ everyone else and not singled out .  Where others will share our thoughts and understand us.     Peace and strength,  Roz x

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, I am Birthday shopping with my daughters and granddaughter today. Morgan will be 30 on November 1st and Maddie will be 22 on November 15th. At the moment I am sitting in my car in the rain while sweet Magnolia takes a nap. Both girls are in a shop. Soon we will have dinner and head home. It has been a good day.  Christmas shopping has been difficult for me as well so I understand your hesitancy. 

Morgan and Dennis finally got to move back into their home. Covid really slowed down the remodel and additional they added. I miss them but I am glad they have a safe home for all.

[Dustins Mom]

13 hours ago, Changed said:

Angie,  I do hope that you stay connected to this site - your insight and attitude towards our grieving brings hope and a sort of permission - if that makes any sense .  Love , Roz

 

Awww thank you Roz ❤️ Just read your message. I’ve been spending more and more time on the David Kessler site these days. In addition to the weekly teachings I receive there, 2 weeks ago I started his Grief Educator Certificate program which requires about 3 hours of study/zoom time weekly. I’ll complete the training at the end of January and if I pass the course I want to be able to facilitate either one-on-one or small group classes for others in their grief. I’m so tired of grief in our society being something we have to sweep under the rug and pretend in ‘real life’ as though it doesn’t exist because it might make OTHER people feel uncomfortable. It needs to be acknowledged so we can kindly offer support to others on their journey. And to also educate people on how to be there for their friends and family lost in grief. All we want is to be acknowledged, to tell our stories, to share our feelings. It’s been my experience these past six months since Dustin died that most people just don’t want to go there. And I get it, they don’t know what to say. But as I’ve said before, I’d rather have someone say something ‘wrong’ to me than to have them say nothing at all. I do keep coming back here and at least reading your comments because there’s a core group of you who I’ve become emotionally close to and who’ve been there for me from the earliest days of losing my son 6 months ago. And now tomorrow would’ve been or still is, my 46th wedding anniversary. He’s been gone for almost 11 years now but we were married for 35! I just pray he’s keeping watch over our boy in Heaven. I’m here to help out our other son while he is doing the same for me. We’re both battered after these 2 major losses but leaning on each other has just brought us even closer. I know this was very long and rambling post so if you’re still reading, thank you 🙏🏼 for giving me your time and your acknowledgment. Much love to all ❤️

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I hope that you do well with that - helping people with their grief after experiencing it yourself will be so valuable.     You seem very receptive to his teachings after only months of your loss  - I cannot imagine being able to take anything in at that stage.  
There would be no way that I could have reacted to losing David other than the way I did - I went at a pace that my mind , heart and body allowed me to .  I can see how grief has morphed into what it is now but I didn’t recognise it at the time it altered and still is doing so.

We truly are all so different and our own histories and circumstances surrounding our loss can make it more complex for some more than others.    Peace and strength to all of you ,   Roz

[NiquesMom]

Kyle had dental surgery friday morning under anesthesia. He did well but he spent all day friday recuperating.

Saturday he went to a birthday party, had a ton of fun, but crashed as soon as we got home. He was finally talk enough to drive the go cart, which made me miss my husband so much, he should have been there enjoying watching him. The kids having the party, their dad chose not to come and that pissed me off to hear that.

Now I am sick with sinus infection and chest congestion. So watching scary movies with him and resting. Hoping to have enough energy for trick or treating tomorrow.

Talking with him, I realized that I have lost my concept of time. What I mean is that when covid started everything shut down and then the 9 months in the hospital with Christopher, everything is out of order. I was trying to remember when we went to the go carts last, felt like 6 months but it must be close to 2 years because of the time lost with covid and the hospital.

Am I always going to be "off?" 

I have started shopping for Kyles Christmas gifts. Should I buy some for myself to open? It was weird just watching Kyle last year.

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Virginia, Really glad kyle’s surgery is done and all well.    

Covid has a lot to answer for .     It’s repercussions will not have escaped anyone I suspect.    It must be hard how it all ran together , no wonder how ‘off’ it all feels .

Yes, do buy gifts for yourself - it will be more pleasure for Kyle watching you open them and seeing you happy.    You can then take turns each opening your pressies so it lasts longer - some of yours could be things that you both can have fun with.   Can he get help buying a gift for you ?       My grandson got a microscope set that proved a hit - he mounted slides with his mum .   It came with lots of ready prepped samples too but obviously not everyone’s cup of tea.    I am positive that you will make it magical for him - so proud of you.

Hope your sinusitis and chest congestion eases  soon,  Roz x
 

 

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia so good to hear that Kyle is  doing well. What if you gave Kyle money to buy a gift for you.  If you have someone you can trust have them take him shopping and help him. The school had a Santa shop, the got local businesses and community members donated new items.  Each child got to choose one item for  every member of their household.  The kids loved it. Mason was so excited to give us a gift he picked for us.

There are so many things that have changed due to Covid. Time is measured before and after. The isolation and losses hurt everyone. 

[NiquesMom]

Kyle had a good halloween. He went with his neighborhood friends, we had 4 parents and 4 kids. Nice to chat with my neighbors. Was remembering niques costumes and trick or treating with christopher. Was hard but good for us. Happy halloween all

[Michael Rodriguez]

i guess i know somebody that woke up with a tummy ache this morning !! our neighborhood decided to celebrate halloween on saturday as last nite was a school nite .........we did not celebrate lazst year , but wife went out to buy all kinds of goodies and fixed up the house some .....and she just got herself a new puppy ...a shitzu named willy's as B´s jeep !!!!!

[Lisa M.]

Diana's mom,  my son was 40 when he passed.   I have had people say hurtful things like it would have been so much worse if he'd been younger.   Seriously!  My son passed from cirrhosis due to alcoholism.   I too feel an extreme amount of guilt.   How could I not have known he had a problem.   I never saw him take a drink.   In hindsight,  I now know  why he always asked me for specifics as to when I was coming out to see him.  Alcoholism runs in our family.   He knew how I felt about drinking, which is why he hid it I'm sure.  My brother passed the very same way.  Roz,  I agree with whoever said you are that piece of comfort on this sight.  Although you suffer like many of us, you are always so quick to offer a kind word and some sort of advice.  I can't remember all of the names here but I want to say I have come to care about all of you.   To the newest members of this group,  you have come to the only place that gets some of us through each day.  I am so sorry for your loss, but glad you have found us.  Love to all.  Lisa

[NiquesMom]

Aw, do you have a pic of the puppy michael?  Kyle wants a puppy but I am not ready for it.  I am glad to hear she felt up to doing a little bit.

[Diane R]

Hi.  This is my first time posting here and to be honest, I'm not exactly sure how this all works. Just thought I'd better dive in before I find a reason to continue running.

My husband and I lost our eldest son two years ago (almost to this day).  He was 33 years old and had a major heart attack.  There was no alcohol, drugs, or Covid involved.  There were no warning signs or underlying medical issues.  We have been seeing a therapist to help us deal with the grief, but we have not been very open with our friends and family about the true depths of our pain. 

Now it feels like we are alone with our grief and I am struggling with coming forth(after two years) to share with people about our pain.  It seems like everyone else has moved on and that they won't understand why I am not further along in my grief process.  

I'd be interested to hear if anyone else has gone through a similar experience.  I just needed to say something.

Thanks for listening,

Diane

[KsMom]

Hi Diane. You've definitely come to the right place to find people who can understand. I lost my daughter Jan 19 of this year. She too suffered a heart attack. There were no preexisting conditions and doctors searched for some reason which as yet we have not found. She was only 25. She did survive the heart attack, had bypass, minor stroke, pneumonia, and was trying to get on the transplant list when she got worse and eventually needed an LVAD. She never woke from the surgery as she had a stroke.

We are not two years since but I can say it does feel like our grief is not something we want to share with anyone. I don't know if they would even want to hear it. I think the closest I've come to sharing some of the pain is with one of my daughters best friends who is suffering.

My husband and I do not grieve in the same way. He had a stroke a week after Kaitlin's celebration of life which although he has almost fully recovered from, suffers depression and thus the rest of the family tries not to upset him. I think I'm pretty good at hiding my grief and it is really only in full display when I'm alone. It just feels like there is nothing to be said or done which will help any of us (my husband and two sons) to feel better.

Theresa

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Diane,

I lost my youngest child, Garrett,a little over a year ago. on my 60th birthday.  he was just 22 years old... the cause was an undiagnosed anomaly with his liver.  He was born with it.   There were no signs, no warning.   He had a slightly elevated heart rate the last month.  I took him to the ER multiple times... they all sent him home and said he was fine.  He was not.  It was so quick and so sudden and I cannot still find a way to deal with the pain I am feeling.   I do not remember what it was like not to cry multiple times every day, to scream at the heavens, to want to curl in a ball and make it stop..   I am broken, my life shatter.  I too have been to therapy,, group therapy... it has not even touched the pain writhing in my heart and soul  like a living breathing entity.  I keep hearing the second year is worse.... The first year was a living breathing hell but the second has so far proven worse for me.   I miss my precious Garrett.  He is my son and my best friend. 

Dearest Diane, you and your husband are not alone.  We are all walking this hellish road we never wanted to be on, living and breathing our own versions of crippling pain.  At times we offer help and at times we need help.  This site has helped me on days when I cannot help myself.  People move on and forget that your world is forever altered and broken and that we now have to figure our how to just survive.

I have said it many times on this site that while I am spiritual and not religious, I believe with all of my heart and soul our children are close.helping us in any way they can... Music, birds, animals and the list is as unique and varied as our children   I have seen too many unusual. strange things and I know those unique wonderful things are my boy.  My Garrett is as stubborn as they come and he would find a way to reach through....knowing his family is suffering.

We are all here for you and will help anyway we can.  We are all walking in the same hellish shoes.

Love and hugs to you, your husband and your family,

Jackie

 

... 

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Hello Diane - I’m so sorry for the loss of your son.   It can feel very strange just jumping into a conversation with people you don’t know.   Don’t worry,   after a few messages you will see how much comfort there is knowing that everyone you speak to here knows exactly how you feel.      Friends have said that it must be more depressing   for me talking to other grieving parents - not so - it helps because I feel less singled out and the fact that those friends don’t get how that could be true , says it all. 

My name is Roz and I lost my own son , David, six years ago.     The people on this site are all very different and have a variety of challenges to face but we tend to come here to share our thoughts on how we are coping and know that we will get understanding .    We can all identify with how our worlds have changed forever and how our heads are full of our lost children but we continue - long after the point that others imagine that we should be ‘recovered’. 

If you care to join us here you are very welcome -   After these years my grief is not as fierce as Jackie’s (who wrote to you earlier )  it’s softer and in its place.   I am not the same as before David died - there is obviously sadness but I’m doing the best I can with what is left.    You were saying that you don’t open up about your grief - me neither - apart from my husband and daughter  - and here.  
 

Take care, Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

Diane,  I am sorry to hear of the loss of your son. I hope we can offer you comfort. It helps to read and express my feelings with other grieving parents. It is a loss that is different from any other. Most people believe that time heals all wounds but almost 5 years and I know I will never be the same person I was before losing my son. There is always an underlying sadness in my heart. Like Roz mentioned the grieving changed and I have learned to cope. That is the best I can for now. I didn't join this group for several months after losing Mason,  it almost felt like if I acknowledged it was final. I saw a therapist and read books and articles however so many seemed to categorize grief and make you think everyone will go through the same steps. We all grieve differently and that is okay.  I feel like I got stuck in the sad step and didn't go through the others. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol 

[NiquesMom]

Dear diane, I am sorry you have lost your son but am glad you have found us. My name is Virginia and I lost my 18 year old daughter Dominique in a car accident almost 5 years ago.

I am not the same person I was, sometimes I can feel it for a moment, the "normal" that I once had. But most days I exist in and apathetic mood. Fake it till you make it is my mantra. My smile never reaches my eyes. But I dont cry everyday anymore. Most days I remember Nique and its more melancholy than the searing pain.

I talk of my pain only with those I know will understand it: I have a few friends who have lost their children, and this group. Otherwise I feel like whats the point in bringing everyone else down??

Sorry, rambling. Please talk when you feel comfortable. I only type when I have something to say but I read every day.

[Michael Rodriguez]

19 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

Aw, do you have a pic of the puppy michael?  Kyle wants a puppy but I am not ready for it.  I am glad to hear she felt up to doing a little bit.

 

Hi Diane R, we are all going thru the same .....your feelings are no different than the ones we carry. come and vent as often as you need too....we are here to vent to listen ourselves

[Diane R]

I'm not sure how to express my appreciation to all of you that responded so quickly and with such understanding and compassion! It was helpful to hear from others that are early on in dealing with losing their children and it was helpful to hear from those that are farther along in this process.  I am so sorry for the losses that all of you have suffered! I really relate to getting stuck in the "sad" part and feel that if I can talk to others then maybe it will provide some release and space for other emotions.  I long for that day when I can think of him or look at his picture and laugh at the happy memories of those times (versus the overwhelm of pain). I guess, like Roz, I'm looking for my grief to be in its place and softer.

Thank you for your warm welcome and open arms to be a part of this group.  I'm grateful for that!

Diane

[KsMom]

Hi everyone

Just wanted to mention that I have very recently started to listen to some podcasts regarding grief which I have found to be interesting. I just finished Anderson Cooper's All There Is podcast and started another one called Always Andy's Mom. I haven't listened to any podcasts before so this is new ground for me. Have any of you come across some that you find helpful.

I'm starting to get nervous with Christmas coming. Last year we went to a drive through light display on the 22nd. Kaitlin went into hospital for the final time the next day. We are definitely not up to being with extended family. One of my sons is of the mindset - why do anything differently, the other is saying just cancel everything. My husband mentioned traveling but we have three cats at two different households.

How have/do you all handle Christmas?

Theresa

[Diane R]

I really appreciate your recommendations for the two podcasts and will definitely look them up.

The holidays are so very difficult.  We are on our second set and we, too, have one son that enjoys keeping our traditions going and the other who would rather keep the holidays quiet and to the four of us.  To that end, we are having a large group for Thanksgiving and just our immediate family (4 of us) for Christmas.  At Thanksgiving I fully expect to be consumed with being the hostess and chef and..... That doesn't mean that the memories of Dan won't be with me, but there's a distraction that helps me moderate the level of grief I experience. When there's just the four of us it is very quiet with lots of time for lots of thinking.  It is hard, but also feels good to have the time and space to feel; as if it honors our son Dan.  Not sure that makes any sense....

I don't have any secrets except to accept the feelings of sadness, grief, or what ever pops up.  I'm hoping that one day I will be better able to blend the grief and the memories of happy times.

I'm glad that you brought up the issue of the holidays and would be interested in how others handle them.

Diane

 

 

 

[Changed]

I’ll have a listen to the podcasts, 

We haven’t put up Christmas decorations since David died but I would if children were around .  I’ll try my best to make Christmas special and not dwell on sadness.    We are a small family with  my daughter and her husband living in England and my brother here too.   David’s son , our only grandchild, lives with his mum in Australia 

This year my daughter and her husband will visit us over Christmas for several days - we have a bigger house so it makes everything easier and we all get on really well.   We will toast David and my mum , who died a couple of years before her grandson,  at the start of the main ‘feast’ .  It’s better if I say it because if anyone else did I’d lose it .    We will all  wipe a tear and  move on - just as Dave would want.   We play games and attempt music quizzes .  Coastal walks and slobbing  out.
 I’ll keep a lot to myself - the longing for my son and how much guilt I feel  carrying on as normal.    My husband and daughter will have their own thoughts, I’m sure, but we want to make it easy for each other. 

We will do a link with Australia and try to be jolly and that part of the day is the most painful - that’s where he should be - on that link with all well and him saying how he’s missing my cooking.     

For those that are facing their first Christmas without their lost child please don’t ask too much of yourself.   It’s already a very emotionally charged time .    For those who have small children at home they will be a blessing - even when you’d rather run back to bed .   Try to keep it as labour-lite as you can - drink in their joy to sustain you. 
 

The end of this month is six years since David died - the days feel sadder somehow but they shouldn’t  - it’s not six years ago - it’s now - and he is not going to die again.   I have to remind myself so I don’t  let it consume me.  

Take care,  Roz x
 

 

[patrickmorrow]

This makes my heart glad, thanks for posting as it gives me hope for me and my wife who only have only one son left, not two:(

[NiquesMom]

Christmas is so difficult. Nique died 4 days before Christmas so far me it can be all consuming dread. I try to do something special on the day she died. The first year we went to see the Rockettes in NYC.  Since Christopher died this year, Kyle and I are going to spend a week at the beach but be home for Christmas. In all honesty the tree from last year is still up (I think Kyle was leaving it up until Christopher came home) so decorating is half done.

Neither of us want surprises, the last year had enough change. So Kyle gave me a list for his gifts, and picked out his large gift.

I remember the first year without Nique: Christopher and Kyle put up all the decorations and I cried in the bedroom.

I guess maybe it's easier because I need to try and make Christmas good for Kyle. Hes only 9 so I need to give him good memories.