Loss of an Adult Child

[Dianas Mom]

To NiquesMom  I am so sad for your loss, my heart aches for you. I have lost my husband and daughter as well. The first thing I felt when they passed was a sense of relief for them and comfort knowing they wouldn't have any more pain and they were at peace They are gone, but I will always have the memories to keep, they are mine forever.The memories of your husband and daughter will help you on this journey as you look back at all the good times and remember them. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia, I am thinking of you...

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Changed]

Dear Virginia,  if you are reading here please shout out if there is anything at all that we can do to help you .  
We can all imagine how awful everything is and hope that you have plenty of support around you.     

I saw how my grandson was after his dad, my David, died and my heart goes out to Kyle and all that he will be dealing with.   Love to you all,  Roz

 

[Mstrena757]

I am no stranger to grief. My sister Sandra was murdered on December 20th 2005. I have lost 5 of my first cousins to murder. On March 13th my 25 year old daughter Khadejah ( my oldest of 5 girls) was involved in a car crash. She died on March 16th.  I have never felt so broken and hopeless in my life. She made me a mommy. I actually spoke with her three hours before. Told her I loved her and to get home safe.  She left behind a 1 year old and a 4 week old baby. I am currently falling in to a depression. I work at a childrens hospital er.  Picked up more hours to keep busy. When not working my mind tends to wander to the day I begged her to wake up for mommy. I called her princess. I had 5 princesses. Now there are 4. The devil speaks loudly when your grieving. It is so easy to let go. It’s hard work to stay sane. Having a really hard time without my princess. I miss her so much.

[Mason’s Mom]

Katrina,  my heart aches for you. I think most of us that have found our way to this forum understand there is no greater pain than the loss of a child. I find my way of coping is staying busy it is the quiet time when my mind wonders into the dark painful places. We understand and I have found the group to be such a comfort. Some of us have been here for a few years.  Your grief is so fresh, it is hard to imagine moving forward but it is what we do, if not for ourselves at least for our other loved ones. I hope you find comfort and peace. 

Carol

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  thinking about you. 

Jackie hope the birds and raccoons are still graciously visiting. 

Michael,  you have been quiet. Maybe a sign you in a better place emotionally, I  sincerely hope so.

Roz, I think of you and  David often. The adventurous young man and adoring mother. 

Lisa and Danielle hopefully you are both as we as can be expected. 

Robert haven't heard from you either.  Hopefully you are doing better. 

Thanks to all of you for listening and and sharing your experiences. I don't know what I would do without your support. 

Carol

 

 

[Changed]

Hello Mstrena,    I am so sorry that you are facing yet another loss in your life but losing Khadejah will be devastating.   Everyone here will understand how raw you will be right now .

I lost my son , David, five and a half years ago but for many posters here their loss is far more recent

We all struggle but coming together here offers  comfort and understanding with an insight that is hard to find elsewhere.  

The loss of your child is the bleakest thing that could ever happen to anyone and how we shape our lives around that fact takes a long time - never to forget them or get over the pain but to be able to live with it.

kindest thoughts , Roz

[Changed]

Carol,  how is everything going?
Virginia’s awful news has knocked us all over, I think.   We have formed a sort of family , caring for each other and their lives, even though we continue to cope with our own .  I’d like to think that she is established enough where she is living now to have lots of support around her and Kyle.

I too hope everyone is doing ok - when they go very quiet we worry that they are really struggling and can’t speak  - as we have in our own time here -  or if they have found help elsewhere in which case that is the preferred reason.   I had long periods when I had nothing that I could write and would just stew in my own thoughts .   
Take care, Roz x
 

[Michael Rodriguez]

no carol, i am still here , you are no getting rid of me that easy !!! lot of work , but B´s birthday is coming up on the 19th .....that would be his 30th birthday.....and i miss my son. its also almost 14 months. yesterday it was kind of rough.....mstrena757 , i am sosorry for all your loses , specially your Khadejah, believe me . we all know how bad it is , the suffering , the grief ,the pain ....we just want our children back, next to us , right here where they belong!!

Virginia , i hope you are coping a little better ....

believe me carol , i need to find post from you guys , i need to hear from you and all the rest ...comfort zone i guess,,,,,i only hate that we are seeing more and more new comers suffering like us 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Mstrena, My name is Jackie.... I am so sorry for the loss of your Princess.   I lost my youngest child, my best friend Garrett, nine months ago on my 60th birthday.  The pain of losing a beloved child is like nothing else in this world.   I am shattered and broken and I pull and tug those shattered pieces around just to get through the days but there are many days that those shattered and broken pieces choke the life out of me.   I miss my son, my best friend.  I don't know how to live this life.. nothing now, belongs to the life I knew.   I have found the people here to be my life line to not falling into those broken, shattered pieces and refusing to move at all.   We are standing with you, none of us wanting to be here but joining hands and hearts to help each other and ultimately ourselves.  

Carol, I broke apart yesterday, worked 12 hours and on my break I fell apart sitting in my car and no sooner did I cry Garretts name and two beautiful, bright red, cardinals landed in the tree next to me... (the cardinals I have never seen at work until the one the other week).  It made me cry harder but I was able to pick up my shattered self, knowing Garrett was close by.....

Judith, I hope all is okay, I think of you often, wonder how you are doing.  Would love to hear from you.

Virginia... thinking of you and Kyle.

Robert, you have been quiet and I think of you often, how are you doing?

I find talking helps me.  I think of all of you so often, those that talk often like me and those who post more sparingly....

Love and hugs to all,

Jackie

 

[Mason’s Mom]

My nephew is getting married today. Mason was very close to his cousins and it will be hard to attend and keep the tears away. I want Ryan and his bride to enjoy this day so I will do my best to keep the emotions buried. It is so exhausting to keep up the facade.

[Jacqueline3]

I am sorry Carol,   I just learned my Niece is getting married.  She is a year younger than Garrett.  When is the wedding?  I know you are trying to be there for Ryan and his bride but be there for yourself too.  If you cannot stay and handle the reception... then don't.  Give yourself permission to help you too.   Anyone with an ounce of compassion will understand.  I certainly do...I will be thinking of youl

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Morning all,

Carol, I hope the wedding went well and you are doing okay.  This weekend has been bitter and broken for me.  Those shattered pieces of my soul are choking the life out of me this weekend.  I know however that my Garrett is close by.... I was sobbing outside and looked up and a beautiful red cardinal was sitting on the closest brand just looking at me... it stayed and I said thank you and it flew away... it came back in the same sitting three times and sat on the same branch.... just looked at me but it never ate a thing.... .i know you all understand the feeling but I miss and love love my Garrett so damned much, god I miss him... It shatters my soul anew every day....

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Virginia, I am thinking of you and Kyle, love and hugs of comfort to you both.

Judith, I am thinking of you and I miss hearing from you.

love and hugs to everyone, thinking of you all....

[Changed]

Jackie, I was thinking about you and your beautiful birds this morning as my husband put out the goods in our covered bird table - and the attack begins by the uninvited - first the gulls then the rooks followed by the magpies and wood pigeons.   Hardly delicate.  It’s meant for the smaller birds but the bigger boys insist.  The gulls knock on the patio doors for attention and cover them in spit .  We had such a problem with them a year or two back as they were eating the back door !  Digging out the putty and eating the wooden beading so we have to have detergents  ( I mean deterrents ) in front now.   I cared for some unfortunate young gulls in the past - Peggy had one leg missing and Dancer had a floppy foot and moved as if she were Irish dancing.  They went through blocks of cheese chunked up every day.   I’m a soft touch and so was David- he would bring all sorts home to be rescued - people as well as animals.  I miss him so much - I would even settle for never seeing him again if I knew he was alive, well and happy elsewhere in the world getting on with his life.  It’s not for me to choose though.

That brings something to the fore - I met a women at a lecture about 15 (?) years ago - her son had been working abroad and the mine he was connected with was attacked - killing some of the workers and taking her son and a couple of others into the jungle.   Her son was never found and she and her husband were at odds as how to deal with that .  She hoped he was still alive and her husband presumed he was dead ( as did the courts) .  I still had David then but I knew I would never be able to give up hope if it were me.

sorry Jackie, I’m rambling.   I hope that your Sunday is a gentle one.  Roz

 

[Jacqueline3]

I am glad to hear you rambling Roz.  Your big boys made me laugh and that is something that I did not think could happen today.  The gulls spitting on the window made me laugh, event though I know if they were spitting on mine, I be outside with the broom.  Truth is I missed you today, been crying a good bit. 

The terrible thing is that one of my children never being found would be an even worse nightmare than the one that is ripping my insides out every second... not knowing where they were, if they were still alive, if and what they were suffering.  I have always thought that would be one of the worst hells to endure.   This one is hell on earth.    I don't know why I seem to be going backwards but the reality of Garrett not coming home is tearing me apart..  I am bitter and broken and there is an insufferable intolerance and near hatred for everyone walking around laughing or having a good time.  I know that sounds terrible but it is how I feel.  I just wanted children, my entire life, and now one has been taken... I miss Garrett so damned much, even though I know he is close.... I sat outside today and cried and raged at the heavens and it looked like the who's who of cardinals had invaded my tree... one right after another, the last count I had was 23... that is not normal but the cardinals come every single time I scream Garrett's name to the skies....  I don't know Roz... I am so broken and shattered and I don't know where to turn to find anything, comfort, answers, reasons... my Garrett!   I am trying a new painting technique but there is no joy in it..... just keeping busy.

I hope your weekend has offered you some comfort,

love and Hugs,

Jackie

[Danielle Masata]

Oh Virginia! I came here after a long break when I saw your husband had to go back in the ICU a week or so ago. Oh no! I thought. And as I continued to read comments and welcome another parent I sadly discover Christopher has died. Yelp. I’m taken aback. What?!!  No!!!  My heart bleeds for you and Kyle. Christopher had put up such a battle so many times. What a most horrible disease.  I have wanted to help, wished I could, and yet all I could do is worry for you. (I’m good at that). The roller coaster since it all began shows your strength, but how overwhelming it has been. Please know how much I care. We are right here  in cyberville as you cope with your new transition. Christopher is at last at peace. 

[Lisa M.]

Good morning.  My daughter was here this past week.   Her visit was amazing.   I enjoyed the time with her so much.  It really was bittersweet, because I kept thinking about how much Don would have enjoyed the visit. She brought the kids and the new man in her life.  We were busy every day.  We were walking one day and out of the blue she said " I think Don would  have liked Wayne".  I just replied that I did too.  This let me know that her brother  was on her mind while she was here.   We looked through pictures and I told her to take all she wanted.   She took a  lot of her baby pictures  and one's of her growi What surprised me,  Was the amount of pictures that she took of Don.  I told her to take all if she wanted.  I realized just how strong a bond they had.  We had a great visit,  but watching her leave ripped my heart out I can tell you that.   I am thinking of all of you today and everyday.   While I don't post often,  I do read  your posts everyday.   I find comfort here amongst you all.   You are all in my thoughts and prayers and I am so sorry for the recent losses. Whether you are new to this site Or have been here for years I appreciate all of you. Well  I'm getting ready to go to work after being off for a week. So I'm going back to a place where no One understands my grief. Love to all.

[Changed]

Lisa,   aren’t they lucky that they don’t understand your grief - they must never have been touched with anything so horrendous.   That , of course, is why we return here where we know for sure that we all feel the same .

So lovely that you got so much out of your daughter’s visit and the reassurances.   Is there any chance ( or interest) that you could live closer together in the future?    Roz x
 

[Changed]

Hi Danielle,  how are you ?  Yes, we’d all love some way of helping Virginia, you are probably in a stronger position than most of us to know what she is going through and that in itself will be helpful.

I hope that you are coping as best you can and regaining your footing a little.  Roz x

[Changed]

Carol,   how did you manage at Ryan’s wedding ?  All these normal life events can be quite challenging- keeping in the manageable parallel reality and not going too deep takes a lot of doing.  We have spoken of this before but it is not super easy.    
Wishing you and your family good health outcomes,  Roz x

 

[NiquesMom]

Thank you all for your support. Kyle and I are hanging on. We had to put Christopher dog down on Thursday (I was afraid that was coming and was waiting for Christopher to be able to go with us), he had a tumor in his spleen. At least they are together now.

Some of my in laws were able to be here before Christopher passed, they will leave today. I have been trying to console his mother. We have both now lost our spouse and a child. Pretty crappy clubs to be in.

Even though I watched him die, I still feel like he is at the hospital and I will be able to get up in the morning and go visit him again. 

I have been reading the posts, and I enjoy reading about the visits from the birds.

I am sorry for the new individuals here. Please keep coming, even if not everyone responds most of us are still here.

I got back to work tomorrow. It will be good for me but weird. They have all been so supportive during this roller coaster ride, I just don't want the pity eyes. That happened after Nique died and it makes it harder for me to try and pretend I am ok.

[Changed]

Virginia,   Thank you for checking in and letting us know how you are .   The house will feel quiet when your in-laws leave but I’m glad they were there with you at such a difficult time.   I hope that your return to work and Kyle to school goes ok for you both.   It’s been an incredibly hard year and you and Kyle have had to face a lot - trying to process it all will take a while, thank goodness you have such healthy , open communication between you both.  Roz x

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia, it is good t hear from you and Kyle... I know your already upside down word has been flipped again without your consent.  Good luck at work and school today...  As much as I am not crazy about this job I have, it does help me.   I am with you both and think of you often...

Love and hugs,

Jackie 

[Michael Rodriguez]

good morning virginia , i know we are all glad to hear from you. how is kyle doing , just thinking , he was how old when nique left ,4 or 5? did not understand much but knew his sister was no longer there and then the whole covid deal with his dad and it ends in the worst of ways ....really tears my heart for him ........and today is month 14 since my baby left us ......im having a mass for him in a small little town about 25 miles south of tegucigalpa , would you like for me to ask the priest to include christopher? 

if so just send me his last name 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz,

The catbirds are still here but a little better, (I hope I didn't jinx that by saying it out loud).  There are a couple big ones that can be a pain but usually now the fight amongst themselves.  there is a little catbird that is really cute, he is very polite and the others are mean to him.   However I had to tell you, my bigger woodpecker (I think it is a red-bellied woodpecker)  He is bigger and one of the catbirds challenged him at the feeder.  He turned and opened its beak in this slow show and the cat bird flew away quick as a whistle.... It was like watching the cool gunslinger scaring off the challenger...That bird is so damned cool.   One of the few times I laughed in the last nine months..  

Been having a string of exceptionally difficult days, everyone's first question (except Jolene)  is...  'Are you taking your pills?'   Yes I am taking the damned pills but it doesn't mean I don't miss Garrett so much it breaks my heart wide open over and over again.   Sorry for venting... I don't know how to help myself,   I don't want this to be my life but more so, I don't want this to be Garrett's... the pain of late is unbearable,,, I say that like it isn't excruciating every damned day.. I miss my beautiful son.

Love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Changed]

Jackie,    please don’t apologise for expressing your grief - having a good old vent is helpful - it’s the bottling it all up that can cause problems for some people and for others they need to process their feelings internally in their own way.    We are all doing the best we can and no one can say that there is only one way to grieve.   You do you, as they say.
Your birds seem to be offering you a small outlet of interest but it’s a shame your art work isn’t as rewarding as before.  I found a lot of what I enjoyed before David’s death lost it’s appeal.    Something I did take up that gives me a bit of mindless distraction was HayDay.   It’s a free game with no need to watch adds where you develop your little farm and it’s animals - a bit like building up a train set and not at all like the tapping games to win levels etc..   You can , if you wish, join a neighbourhood and have chats with people from around the world there - helping each other with crops and such.   Sounds really silly, I know  - but the artist in me likes to arrange everything , tend to the animals and such - it doesn’t cause any stress or demands - I find it really soothing.   All those in our hood are adults - ten of them.  Some people take it very seriously and choose to buy their progress but I’ve never found that necessary.  It’s a beneficial aid for me and my relaxation.  

Sorry that you are having a particularly bad trot just now - it is simply unbelievable what has happened and how could we expect ourselves to just accept it - we can’t.     You can see from the posts of others here from years ago how familiar all this is - not that that makes it any easier, I know.

Roz x

[Danielle Masata]

Hello all. Virginia, I keep picturing that photo of Christopher whenever I think of him, sitting at the end of his hospital bed. I have thought of him often. 
 

The other day, on the day Christopher died, my dog & I passed two birds who flew off as we approached. Turns out, they were mourning doves. I turned to my little dog to tell her the kind of birds they were and I was so tempted to add who they represented: your spouse and oldest child. 
 

I'm glad you’ve got a job. That’ll keep you busy and that’s a nice distraction. Lucky you that you won’t have probate court to deal with. Ugh! That alone may be enough draw to move to Florida. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz, thank you for your support.  I have been a mess for weeks now and dont know what to do with myself.   I want my Garrett just pounds through my thoughts, heart and soul all the time.   This morning i went outside crying and two huge turkey vultures visited my feeder area, along with a plethora of other birds, my cardinals and woodpeckers.   the turkey vultures were a little on the far side of the tree where my feeders are. They just lounged in the trees a little further out.... wing span had to be around 6 feet.  We have never had vultures land anywhere near our home in 22 years of living here.  I do believe my boy is talking to me and I just sat and watched them and talked to Garrett.  it was a somber love filled peace for a short time. 

How are you doing Roz?

Thinking of everyone, sending love and hugs of comfort,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

Danielle nice to see posting again. 

Jackie,  just keep venting it is better than holding it in.

Roz, I made it through the wedding had a struggle and shed some tears during the mother-son dance. Just another thing I will not get to experience. Sunday was my birthday so this weekend was emotional.

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

[Michael Rodriguez]

happy belated b'day carol !!!

[NiquesMom]

Crying on the way to work, crying on the way home, crying all day.

This sucks.

I hate all the people out there who have all their people: parents, spouse, children, even grandparents. Hate them all.

Don't want to do this without Christopher.

Too young to feel this old.

Went back to work. Everyone in my office knows but no one outside my office. So they all thought I was on vacation. That was hard. Had to put on my fake face.

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia, my heart aches for you. That feeling of being to young to feel this old is understandable. I can't say I understand your pain because I don't and I know it upsets me when people compare the loss of their grandparents or even parents with the loss of my child.  Those losses are painful but don't compare to the loss of a child.  You have suffered so much loss but I know you will be there for Kyle. I hope he is coping. Returning to work had to be hard, I hope your coworkers are respectful of you.

Michael thanks for the birthday wishes. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia, I am so sorry ... i understand crying on the way to work, crying on the way home.   I am with you.   Belated happy birthday Carol.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Sorry, really bad place last night. 

Happy birthday carol, I hope you had a bit of peace.

I feel lost. Cannot talk to people who have only lost their spouse because my grief for Nique is intermingled with this new loss of Christopher. Too tired to try to explain it to new people.

We had to put down the dog last week too, which I think is hitting a little harder since Christopher had not been in the house for 9 months. I let kyle adopt a pet rat and he loves him so much, he needs somewhere to channel all his love.

I know Christopher and Nique are cheering us on, but man I really want to know why I am still here. What lesson havent I yet learned?

[Michael Rodriguez]

kyle is the reason , you are each other support , plus the rat i guess !!!

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia, there is no need to apologize.  You have every right and need to speak your mind and here, where we are all dealing with very similar  emotions and wondering who's life we are living, we understand.   I wonder too why the hell the heavens could not have taken me and not my Garrett.  I am 60, he was just 22.   I am still angry beyond words and the fact that the world moves on is horrifying.   Kyle needs you, yet at times it feels unfair that you must carrying and deal with the pain alone.  Even with support there is a distinct feeling of isolation and being stranded and afraid and lost and in unbearable pain with no where to turn and no way to fix that which is so wrongly broken....  I miss and love my Garrett so damned much, it breaks my heart anew each moment of every day...

I am thinking of you and Kyle,

I am thinking of all of you and your steps in this new, unwanted life.

Judith, I am thinking of you and hope all is going as okay as it can be and you are finding the answers you need......

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

I took a short break from work this afternoon and went for a short walk. A cloud caught my eye. I saw a heart missing a piece and I thought that is exactly how I feel.  A part of my heart and myself is forever gone. 

[NiquesMom]

Perfectly said!

I took Kyle to lunch, the server says he was cute and how many kids did I have? I said "1 at home."  She proceeds to tell me I need to have more, she has 2!  Sat there crying after she walked off. I cannot handle the stupid people out there

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Carol that is a wonderful picture to show your heart and soul.   it is most assuredly how this all feels.  Broken and in pieces.  How was your walk.

Dearest Virginia.   I am so sorry, the levels of stupidity of society has risen to an all time high and I do believe our society has a terrible way of dealing with loss and helping and supporting the broken survivors.    I am here and I am listening.  We all are and we share your pain with you.

Thinking of you all and sending love and hugs

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

good morning. tomorrow B will be 30 years old 

[Jacqueline3]

Happy Birthday early to B.  How are you holding up Michael? 

[Michael Rodriguez]

missing him.....been a tough week . teusday was 14 months and tomorrow is his 30th b'day.

had a chat with a lady who lost her 23 year old 5 years ago to a motorcycle accident.....was her only son and divorced ...,.so she has made her life alone , with 2 dogs ...on her free time , she is a VP of an insurance company ....looks for homes for stray dogs. very positive outlook . 

its funny , all dressed as an executive and has this huge tattoo of her son on her left arm. i guess she is in her upper 40's ....but her whole life revolvs around her son

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael, I know it has to be a really rough week.   I understand the missing, it is a constant gnawing at my insides, aching and lonely.  Garrett turned 23 on the 17 of January.   I was a mess and still am to be truthful.   I am thinking of you on B's birthday tomorrow.  How is work going?

Thoughts of comfort and strength to everyone,

Jackie

 

[Jacqueline3]

Have been thinking of everyone today, an exceptionally difficult day for me but had and influx of so many cardinals (which is not normal for so many) from my Garrett and that made me cry even harder..   I just don't know how to live this life... I keep saying that but I still have no answers... I love and miss Garrett so much...

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

good morning. jackie believe when i say that we all are going thru the same despair as you .......missing our kids everyday even more than the day before 

[Jacqueline3]

Morning Michael... I do believe that,   that is why I find such comfort and solace here.  I was 'scolded' by my mother and my husband both yesterday who say I should be "better".   I am so sad and lost Michael.  I am truly doing the best I can at the moment but it is never enough for others.  My daughter,, Jolene, who has her own struggles is the only one who will just listen.   I am trying to find my way but i am lost..  I know that everyone here is in the same situation and I cry for all of us.

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Happy Birthday B!

[Mason’s Mom]

Happy Birthday B, and it's Father's Day here in the US. Another one of those days that is a reminder of what is missing. 

Virginia I know this will be a bad day for you and Kyle. I hope you find a way to stay busy. I am thinking about you and sending hugs.

Carol

[Michael Rodriguez]

please, if you get a chance listen to "who you'd be today" by kenny chesney