Loss of an Adult Child

[Dustins Mom]

Hi Carol - my name is Angie but I’m also Dustin’s Mom. I’m brand new to the website and am still learning to navigate. You seem to have a very kind heart and I just desperately need to tell someone that I lost my 39 yr old son almost 9 weeks ago. It was unexpected, just an accident they say. Just like when my husband of 35 years and also Dustin’s Dad, died in a car accident 10 years ago. I’m grateful I still have another older son and my daughter in law. No grandkids because they tried and spent countless dollars, but were never able to conceive. I also have a very wonderful boyfriend who’s been there for me during it all. 
I have a large family and circle of friends but very few reach out to me on any consistent basis. I imagine they’re afraid they’re going to upset me or something. I don’t know. I guess I just really needed to share my story with someone who knows what pain I’m feeling. 
I hope you don’t mind that I chose you. It’s a very lonely, quiet Saturday night and I’m at home alone. Thank you 🙏🏼 

Sincerely, Angie 

[Mason’s Mom]

Angie, I am so sorry that you have to experience the pain of losing your son. None of us could have imagined we would be a part of this group. I don't mind that you reached out, that is what we all need is someone who can truly understand our pain. 9 weeks ago, your grief is so fresh that I am sure you had a hard time just putting those words in writing. If you can or want to,  tell us about Dustin. I know I need to talk about Mason and want others to continue thinking about and talking about him.I agree most people are uncomfortable and they think it is upsetting to us to talk about our children. Our tears are uncomfortable for them. Just remember we all grieve in our own way and in our own time.  I don't think we ever get past the pain.  We learn to deal with it and most of the time we move forward. We learn who we can lean on and to hide the pain from others. Everyone here shares our thoughts and there is no judgment. I remember thinking if I told anyone what I was thinking they would think I am crazy. I started reading other posts and saw others thinking and experiencing the same things. 

May you find peace and comfort, 

Carol

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Angie, I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Dustin and also the loss of your husband.   I lost my 22 year old son Garrett 10 months ago to an undiagnosed liver anomaly he was born with.   It has been 10 months of hell yet at the same time it still seems like just yesterday.  My heart is shattered yet continues to cry tears of blood.   My husbands family has ignored us and my family thinks I should be doing handsprings and moving on with my life. This site is one place I have been able to come and talk, and rant and cry.   I still cry every day, multiple times a day, rage at the heavens but I have found a few short moments of quiet, not peace or lasting comfort but small moments of quiet.  i have always lived my life by my belief in what is right, I have found this horrible road I must now walk to be the ultimate of that belief.  I need to do what is right for both myself and for Garrett, despite others having a negative opinion of how I need to do things or how long I am allowed to cry and mourn.  I will mourn the rest of my life.

There is no time frame, no rule book, your life had been altered in an unthinkable, horrible manner.   Take your time, allow yourself to feel the grief as it rolls through you because it will come at any time in any way.   Know that you are not alone.  I hate that any of us are here on this sight, but we are and we support and listen to one another,

My heart goes out to you and your family Angie,

love and hugs,

Jackie

 

[Jacqueline3]

hello everyone,

I am hoping everyone is okay.  No one has been talking.  Struggling as usual, next month on my birthday is the day I lost my Garrett.   I am sick to heart that a year has nearly passed and to me it seems like yesterday this horrific nightmare began.  I have cried every day multiple times every day for almost a year and I show no signs of that changing.   I hate this life... it isn't my life without Garrett.  I am inconsolable of late and I miss hearing from everyone.  Hope you are all okay.

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Jackie, 

I hurt for you. I remember all too well crying multiple times a day. I would go to my car at work and cry on my breaks. I kept a blanket so i could hide my face while I cried. I pray it starts to ease for you. I am coming up on 5 years in December and it seems impossible that I have been doing this for 5 years without my daughter. For me it took almost 2 years for the crying to almost stop. I still cry sometimes, but mainly i just tell her I miss her and to give me strength.

As much as I love my son, I feel like I am just marking time. I am going to try to give him the best life i can, and pray the good Lord takes me when He knows Kyle will be ok, not a moment sooner or later. All i do now is for kyle. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

jackie i know you are struggling , we all are ....yesterday was month 15 for B. couple of nights ago i got so desperate to want6ed to talk to him .....i drove for about an hour to calm down before getting home.....it was  a horrible sense of despair.

virginia i feel the same way as you do,,,,,i am here for the existence while the good lord decides it is time to go !!!

[Judith fay]

Jackie,

I  wish I could give you a hug. Im sorry I haven't  been on to talk to everyone. I  am a week away from my Christinas Angel date and I am a mess. I have been reading everyones post the last few days to cat h up. I feel for each and everyone of you. I wish I had words of encouragement  for everyone But time doesn't  heal the agonizing  pain and heartache. Lately  I have had thoughts of ending my life the pain is too much. Watching my Grandkids missing their mom is killing me inside. I keep asking god why..You have taken 2 of my daughters  now. I just cant understand.

I feel myself reaching for my anxiety  meds to cope with day to day life. My once happy life is now a big black hole of nightmares and sadness. I also find myself mad at Christina. Sleeping for me is filled with nightmares I dread the night time now. 

Jackie I am going to try and be on here more. I think of you often  and your Garrett.  Journaling  is what my Christina would do I have 12 I have finished now

When I was looking in some of her bins i found her poetry  books. She got a few published when she was 12. She was so good at  writing  poems.

Jackie Your words and feelings mean alot to me and im pretty sure everyone on here too your amazing. Your Garrett is a proud son. We all need to take time and GRIEVE.  I know from my experience  that I will be doing this for the rest of my life I miss my girls. My heart is shattered beyond repair.

Mom of Christina and Dasha

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Judith, suicide never crossed my mind in my entire 60 years until I lost my Garrett.   I too have thought of ending the unimaginable pain but then I think of Jolene, her slow recovery and her spouse and the children they are planning to adopt, all have been hobbled due to some archaic belief.  I think of Gily and her son Daylin (2years) and I have a feeling that the "twenty year her senior" boyfriend is not going to hang around forever. and my husband Joe, who was abused in childhood developed traumatic onset autism and is a hard fucking man to live with but I love him.  What would happen to Joe, (who knows Joe better than me), Jolene, Gily and their families?

I don't know Judith, I wish I had an answer to make everything right. I miss my Garrett so damned much it feels like the pain just eats slowly at my insides every day.... but every time I am at the brink of despair these crazy birds do something really weird and I can feel Garrett for that short time.   I know he is close.   I know that Christina and Dasha are close and I am sure they are together helping each other and you. 

I work in a factory at the moment, I purposely took the job to keep busy.   I have actually been promoted and I work inside the area that actually bottles the medications.  Everything is precise, gloved masked, scrubs, extra sterile sleeves, the whole mess.  Many days I do the checks on the pills every pallet.  I pull x amount of bottles off the line, open them and check the integrity of the pills and the packaging.  Once I check them even though they are fine, they are discarded.   The pills we are currently working with are pink.... the other day I started my checks and there was a shimmer,of translucent purple around the pills, I thought they were discolored.   I held them in my gloved hand, looked at the discarded bucket seeing the same shimmer moving around slowly.   I grabbed my boss and said..."Hey these pills look good to you?"  He looked and said they looked great.  I looked at the "purple-pink" pills in my hand and then at him.  there was another woman dumping a bottle that had been crushed in one machine... I asked her the same question... she said other than being crushed they looked great.  I looked around the room, nothing else was distorted, my vision was fine.I felt fine....

Garrett's  favorite color was purple, we were getting ready to put a darker purple on his walls..... I looked at my glove and that same purple color was there, moving ever so slightly...like my boy was holding my hand..... He used to grab my hand and squeeze for a second if I was upset.  It was always so comforting.  It happened two days in a row and I have not had the sensation since.  They birds are still weird, especially the cardinals (my favorite) and the woodpeckers (Garrett's favorite).  I know Garrett is with me.  I do believe our children are close trying to help us...

I am a little over a month away Judith... Yours is July 23rd, Mine date is August 30th.   I am already half hysterical about it.  I will stand with you Judith as we both face the worst days of our lives.  Don't give up, your grandbabies need you, so does your son.   It is not easy, I still have many days I end up on the ground in front of my bench and sob uncontrollably. and at the moment I cannot make myself go in Garrett's room because he isn't there.... and it hurts too bad to look at his things, they things he created.

Michael, I am so sorry you had such a bad time the other night.  I know that pain is with you all the time.  I am sure you are like me, you see B in everything you do and everywhere you go... I see Garrett everywhere.and in everything I do... I am thinking of you

Virginia, I know you are suffering terrible, losing Christopher as well as Nique.  My heart bleeds for all of you and I think of you often..  Talk, I will listen, even when I am sobbing on the floor.  

Thanks to everyone for listening.   i am struggling to find my way just as all of you are. on this dark, ugly, lonely path none of us ever wanted to be on.

Love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Dustins Mom]

As one of the newest members of this group, having lost my Dustin on May 9th, I feel like I need to remind anyone lost in the sea of despair to ask yourself what would your child, no matter how old they are, think and feel if they could see you sobbing and grieving for them. Yes I am grieving too but whenever I become completely lost in it, I can hear him trying to comfort me. ‘No Mamas please don’t cry’ as if it hurts his soul to see me like this. He was a very kind-hearted, loving and sweet soul and I can’t bear to cause him any pain. When a soul leaves it is never for the purpose of hurting us. It is that they needed to move on. I’ll never understand why but I can strive to make him proud of me for finding the strength and the courage to keep on living while I’m still here. I always want to remember him with a smile. My biggest help has been through journaling as though I’m talking to him. It helps ease the pain of his loss feeling as though I can still talk to him and I somehow feel he can hear my silent words. I also lost my husband of 35 years, Dustin’s Dad, 10 years ago and I struggled and went through many, many dark days but knowing he is with our youngest boy again also gives me a degree of peace. I’m left here to watch over our oldest son who is struggling so badly with the loss of first his Dad, and now his only sibling. I can’t even fathom losing him too so we talk or see each other almost every day and we are holding each other up. I’ve told him that he and I are still here for a reason, a purpose, and I pray you can all try to see through your darkness and find your purpose in life too. It is not to lose yourself in your grief. That is the last thing they would want us to do. 
With much love, Angie 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Angie,

I do understand your reasoning and I most hardily agree with the need not to cause our children any more pain than they have already suffered.  I appreciate your words of encouragement and the writing idea that you suggested.  All of us here are looking for those methods that work for us  but, this painful, unimaginable journey like so many others in our lives is one we must walk alone with our missing child.  I speak for only for myself but I know there are those like me who are unable to bottle their grief inside, no matter the reason.

Each journey is as individual and unique as the parent and child they involve.  I cannot speak for everyone but I know that I will cry and sob for a very long time to come,while my Garrett holds my hand.   As I cry I also talk to my boy and tell him how much I love him and miss him and about things happening.  I always go to the birds he loved to listen to and I am still trying to figure which one is the stupid one he claimed hogged the spotlight (He had an amazing sense of humor and a very dry clipped delivery.  He made me laugh all the time).  I am sewing and working and trying to keep busy but I need my time to cry and sit with my Garrett and his birds.

I also know that my boy knows his Mama.   Garrett, while not liking to see me so bereft and in pain,  knows me and he knows I would be able to do nothing less. 

Not too long ago, I had this same bitter, conversation with my Mother, and siblings.   While we all would like the crushing pain in our hearts to be different and the magnanimous hole in our lives to be gone and life to be as it was, we know we cannot have that and we must walk as our heart and soul demands and if we still cry and sob, that does not mean we are not trying to find our way..

But for those like me unable to bottle our grief and channel it in another direction, there is nothing wrong with that.  We cry and talk and scream at the heavens as we hack our way through this jungle of misery.

Neither way is wrong, we are just different people dealing with unimaginable pain and loss.  There is no time line or right way to cope with losing our precious child..  That is what is so wonderful and comforting about this site... We can support each other and offer ideas that helped us... again thank you Angie for your support and the idea of writing...

I am a very emotional, noisy person in general.... I have to follow the path of what is right for Garrett and I, and I encourage everyone to be true to themselves.   I am here, talk and I will listen.   I mean no disrespect to anyone, but we must all find our own personal strengths and tools to function in this broken life.   Sorry I am so long winded, but I needed to say that as someone whom others have found fault with my efforts and feel free to tell me what is wrong with my pain...

To others who are perhaps noisy emotional like me or others are easy to criticize... Be true to yourself.  we are all here to help and listen, always.

Love and hugs to all

Jackie

[Dustins Mom]

Oh Jackie I am so sorry!!! You bring up so many good points. I worried after writing what I did that I might’ve come off as sounding cold or unemotional. As I sit here in tears yet again, I have to wonder if I’m just still being protected by the numbness and shock that surrounds me so early in my journey.
Please accept my apologies, anyone who might be reading this, and know I meant no disrespect. You’re right Jackie. We all have the inherent right to deal with our grief in any way we choose. Only ‘you’ know what is best for ‘you’.  As an empath at heart I have read all of your comments and can feel your pain as deeply as my own. My heart is with you all. 
Angie 

[Jacqueline3]

Angie, honey, please don't cry on my account!.  You brought up so many good points too!   You are so in the first stages of losing your boy.  I am 10 months out and still I am in shock and the horror of it all.   Please don't cry because of anything you have said.  You made valid points as well.  I think often of Garrett watching me sob and cry and I know it would upset him... Each of our children are different as are we... We will all have different coping mechanisms and deal differently.

 

I am writing this in pieces because I want you to know I hear you and I see you!  This is all so painful and I am a very clumsy loud person in my deep emotions.   I am truly hacking my way though the pain.

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Angie, please let me know you are okay.... It was very difficult for me when my family went after me.... We are slowly mending our relationship and my Mum is beside herself when she realized some of the things she said.....Angie, I am here for you as we all are.   Please keep talking.... I would love to hear more about Dustin, you might have said and I did not see it but how old was your boy, My Garrett was 22.  He would be 23 now, his birthday is in January... We always went to Chili's on his birthday.   I could not make myself go this year.

Please talk to me Angie, You are just fine.... We all talk here and believe me there are times I can talk about the rage that I still feel that the heaven took my boy.  He deserved his life too.

I am here for you Angie,

Please don't be upset, we are all just talking and sharing feelings and that is all that you did too.

We are here to listen and help each other.   I have said it many times but I do believe our children are close and trying to help us.   It sounds like your Dustin is helping you...he sounds like such a gentle soul.   Garrett is very much like his Mama.

Please let me know you are okay!  I will worry if I do not hear from you.  This is so damned hard and I need you to know that you have my support and my ear and shoulders to lean on.

Love, hugs  and comfort to you Angie,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Angie

I hope you are doing okay.  When I first started talking on this site I was terrified I would say the wrong thing or upset someone,or embarrass myself, because I can be very vocal and I am shattered since losing Garrett and my agony at times just rolls out of my heart, soul and  mouth.  At times I have felt so lost yet at the same time I have such rage at the heavens for taking my precious boy.   I have expressed both sides and everything in between to everyone here.   I have thought of you all day... Don't be too hard on yourself and please don't quit talking.  You are dealing with a hell of a lot and trying to find your way.... We all are and we are bound to have different ways of doing just that.but we help each other.

Love and hugs,

Jackie 

[Dustins Mom]

2 hours ago, Jacqueline3 said:

Dearest Angie

I hope you are doing okay.  When I first started talking on this site I was terrified I would say the wrong thing or upset someone,or embarrass myself, because I can be very vocal and I am shattered since losing Garrett and my agony at times just rolls out of my heart, soul and  mouth.  At times I have felt so lost yet at the same time I have such rage at the heavens for taking my precious boy.   I have expressed both sides and everything in between to everyone here.   I have thought of you all day... Don't be too hard on yourself and please don't quit talking.  You are dealing with a hell of a lot and trying to find your way.... We all are and we are bound to have different ways of doing just that.but we help each other.

Love and hugs,

Jackie 

 

2 hours ago, Jacqueline3 said:

Dearest Angie

I hope you are doing okay.  When I first started talking on this site I was terrified I would say the wrong thing or upset someone,or embarrass myself, because I can be very vocal and I am shattered since losing Garrett and my agony at times just rolls out of my heart, soul and  mouth.  At times I have felt so lost yet at the same time I have such rage at the heavens for taking my precious boy.   I have expressed both sides and everything in between to everyone here.   I have thought of you all day... Don't be too hard on yourself and please don't quit talking.  You are dealing with a hell of a lot and trying to find your way.... We all are and we are bound to have different ways of doing just that.but we help each other.

Love and hugs,

Jackie 

Jackie - ah honey! I’m sorry! I left for church this morning and finally just made it home. All is well and I am fine!!!  Your words were not harmful in any way!! And I needed to hear YOU. Sending blessings 🙏🏼 and much love. ❤️
Angie 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Angie, I am so glad to hear from you, I worried all day.  I remember how uncomfortable I was reaching out on this site at first especially when I felt so broken, vulnerable and lost.  I too am sending blessings and love your way.  Please talk whenever you need, God knows I do.  I have always been a fighter with whatever life threw my way... Two of my three children had medical problems that were chronic and difficult.   Losing Garrett dropped me to the ground and I am barely on my hands and knees now... It takes very little to send me to the ground again.  Thank you for answering, as much as I hate that we are here, we are here together

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

Angie,  I have told myself that Mason would not want me to stop living and he would be upset with me if I stopped trying. It will be 5 years in December and I do my best to live a good life and honor him. There are still dark days and nights.  There is always a sadness that is just below the surface. 

Jackie,  you are right we all grieve in different ways and hiding the pain is a heavy load. It is good to hear your Mom understands the things she said were hurtful. I hope you can mend the relationship. 

We just returned from a week's vacation. Exhausted but we needed to escape real life for a few days. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Carol,  I am glad you got away on a vacation, I hope it helped.  I am sorry you are so exhausted,  rest now that you are home.  Its good to hear from you.

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Dustins Mom]

14 hours ago, Mason’s Mom said:

Angie,  I have told myself that Mason would not want me to stop living and he would be upset with me if I stopped trying. It will be 5 years in December and I do my best to live a good life and honor him. There are still dark days and nights.  There is always a sadness that is just below the surface. 

Jackie,  you are right we all grieve in different ways and hiding the pain is a heavy load. It is good to hear your Mom understands the things she said were hurtful. I hope you can mend the relationship. 

We just returned from a week's vacation. Exhausted but we needed to escape real life for a few days. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

Hi Carol - thank you for your response. I thought I’d taken all I could handle and understood the grieving process when my husband died 10 years ago but now I’m just 10 WEEKS out from losing my son and it’s like starting all over again. I’ll never understand why God thought I was strong enough to handle both of these huge losses. But here I am and I will survive. I have another son who’s struggling and I have to be here for him. Just like he’s here for me too. 

[NiquesMom]

Angie, I lost my daughter nique 4.5 years ago and I feel like I barely survived. Was just starting to get my feet back under me and try to live a normal life with my husband and son. My husband Christopher died 6 weeks ago today. It is now just me and my 9 year old. I also wonder why god decided I needed so much loss. As much as I want to join my husband and daughter, I am going to try to give Kyle a good life. He is only 9 and has lost half of his family. 

I know Nique and Christopher want me to succeed but I really really miss them. Our house is so quiet. We even had to put down our dog we had for 15 years the same week Christopher died.

I really get mad at people who still have all their people: parents, spouses, children. I know I still have a good life, but all I do is for Kyle now. What happens if i lose him too???

[Michael Rodriguez]

come on virginia ....please do not even think that !!!!

[Dustins Mom]

2 minutes ago, NiquesMom said:

Angie, I lost my daughter nique 4.5 years ago and I feel like I barely survived. Was just starting to get my feet back under me and try to live a normal life with my husband and son. My husband Christopher died 6 weeks ago today. It is now just me and my 9 year old. I also wonder why god decided I needed so much loss. As much as I want to join my husband and daughter, I am going to try to give Kyle a good life. He is only 9 and has lost half of his family. 

I know Nique and Christopher want me to succeed but I really really miss them. Our house is so quiet. We even had to put down our dog we had for 15 years the same week Christopher died.

I really get mad at people who still have all their people: parents, spouses, children. I know I still have a good life, but all I do is for Kyle now. What happens if i lose him too???

Oh my God I’m so, so sorry. Wish I could hug you right now. Because there are just no words. My heart goes out to you. ❤️

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  I like your new profile picture. Beautiful family. I completely understand your fears of losing Kyle. It is a struggle for me as well. With Morgan being ill this last year I was terrified we were going to lose her too.

Vacation was nice but you can't run away or escape. We drove to the top of Pikes Peak and we were looking at a map and the first thing I saw was a reservoir named Mason. Every day no matter how far you travel the pain is just right under the surface. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Judith,

I know your day is getting close.... I am thinking of you and sharing you anxiety and pain.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Hello Everyone,

Wow, everyone is so quiet.  Yesterday was on of the worst days I have had.  I am so very tired and I hate living this way.   How the hell do I live without my Garrett?  I know it is the same struggle all of you are having, I am just crying out loud.  I am never good but since the encounter with my Mum and siblings, I have been inconsolable, riddled with agony and desperate with longing to see my Garrett.  What little ground I had gained is gone. Again, I am just talking, I know that everyone is suffering.  Been thinking of all of you, wishing you all well and some comfort.

Judith, I am thinking of you, I know that you are within a few days, I am with you....

Virginia, I am always with you and Kyle.  If you need to talk, I will listen.

Roz, I miss you, hope all is okay.

To everyone, hoping your day has at least one moment of comfort and I think of you all so often.

Love and hugs

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

hi jackie , try to feel strong on garret's behalf......that is what everybody tells us , but these one  is coming from a grieving parent as well!!

we all think of each other and all know how tough our struggle is , so try to calm yourself and forget about what everybody else says ....try to (dont expect much more) live garret´s happy moments 

[Jacqueline3]

Thanks Michael,

How are you doing?

[Michael Rodriguez]

a lot of work, keeping busy .......miss my "compadre"  B a  whole lot......wish he was here with me........could use his help

[Changed]

Jackie , thank you for caring and you too Carol.   I have been quiet and I have withdrawn somewhat.     This relentless sadness I have now accepted and I no longer cry everyday .  I  can now fake a brighter me when I need to but still avoid any lengthy encounters with anyone other than my daughter and grandson and I haven’t seen him since before lockdown.    I just feel so miserable that David has gone - it will be six years by December.  He was already living so far away from me , which I accepted was his life choice , but this feels so unfair.     What a daft thing to say ‘unfair’ as if we have any right to anything in life.    I’m still struggling to focus on the happy , good parts of his life. but I tend to dwell on his loss .

You, dear , sound worn out with grief.    The fact that you continue to tend to your husband and children as well as being able to go out to work is incredible.   Don’t underestimate yourself.    The other family onslaught that you have been dealing with saps you of the energy you need to cope with what each day brings and I hope that it’s not harming you too badly.      All this grieving, guilting and replaying is exhausting but we cannot speed it up or ignore what we are facing.    Sad fact is that we cannot put anything right or back the way it was - that is very, very hard to accept.  
Take care, Roz 

[Changed]

Carol,  lovely that you got away for a break - I think that it is very healthy to get a change of scene if possible - even if it’s only a walk somewhere different.    Did you know that you would be looking at Mason reservoir or was it a surprise?     The trips my husband and I take are to meet up with our grandson - as he is in Australia it tends to be over there or midway but we haven’t been able to see him in the flesh since before covid.   We speak on Facebook and do FaceTime and we play games together on Xboxes.   He is now in his teens and all of that is getting a lot less , I have to say.      We have had a few short uk trips since covid - quiet affairs mainly as distractions really.   We did some European trips and one to new York before covid but , like yourselves, nothing is like it used to be - you carry the grief with you.   Those trips gave us a lot of immediate stuff to think about as we were doing them and something different to talk about afterwards so they served a beneficial purpose.

I hope everyone’s health is better at home now as we can do without anything more to worry about.

Onwards .  Roz

[Changed]

Virginia,   How are you and Kyle keeping?      It’s been a rotten ,tough , trot.

Your photo of your family is beautiful.  So happy and complete.   I’m sorry about what happened . 
Some families do seem to be unscathed by tragedy and when you have had so much loss in your life the balance seems to be off.  
I don’t begrudge friends who are enjoying a family life untouched by loss but if they could be a little more sensitive and not hammer home just how great their life is compared to mine.   I don’t think it’s on purpose - I hope not anyway.     

Stay strong,  Roz

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael.... I know that feeling, i miss Garrett in everything and everywhere.. We did everything together.   I can understand missing your B.   Thinking of you.

Dearest Roz, it is so good to hear from you.  I waver between utter despair to drowning sadness.  I just don't know how to live without Garrett and do right by him.   I do think of things that he did to make me laugh and times we had fun together but mostly it is the loss... How empty everything seems.  God, I miss him every second of every damned, ugly day.  

I have been having strange encounters with a huge red tailed hawk since the encounter with my Mum and siblings.  The beautiful creature comes so close and screeches.   that is how I found it the first time.  The screeching was so loud and I followed it into the woods.... The giant bird was siting on a branch about ten feet away and we just stood and stared at one another.  I am not even sure how long we stayed like that, looking at each other..  I cannot help but think that is my Garrett talking to me.  He is the best friend a person could have.   I am so lost without him.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Judith, I know tomorrow will be a horribly difficult day, but I am with you, always.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Dianas Mom]

This is a nightmare I can't wake up from. I've tried to have faith and courage, but the despair envelops me totally. I don't want to go on, don't know how I can possibly survive or that I even want to. I have two other children and love them with all my heart, yet the loss of my Diana is more than I can bare. I just don't have any strength left. She's gone forever. The pain is too great. I can't believe I will never see her again, or touch her or hear her laugh, yet that is the truth. I know others here share the loss of their child and understand fully the anguish.

[Dianas Mom]

Just recently, an advertisement for sale of a "grieving lotion" is at the top of every post. Are any of you finding the same ad when you open the posts?

[Mason’s Mom]

3 hours ago, Dianas Mom said:

This is a nightmare I can't wake up from. I've tried to have faith and courage, but the despair envelops me totally. I don't want to go on, don't know how I can possibly survive or that I even want to. I have two other children and love them with all my heart, yet the loss of my Diana is more than I can bare. I just don't have any strength left. She's gone forever. The pain is too great. I can't believe I will never see her again, or touch her or hear her laugh, yet that is the truth. I know others here share the loss of their child and understand fully the anguish.

You are so early in the grieving process,  I couldn't imagine I would survive the pain of losing my boy.  Time seems to change as a grieving parent,  but it isn't something you can avoid or skip. Just one hour at a time   one day at a time.  

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Diana's Mom, (Please, what is your name?). I am so sorry you are struggling so severely.   I too wake up every day to the same fucking nightmare.  Trying my best to make it different before I open my eyes..  The pain is unbearable and the thought of never seeing Garrett again on this earthly plain is unthinkable.   I have reached 11 months since I lost my precious son, how I do not know..  It seems like an eternity of agony yet it feels like this hell just began. 

I have no idea how to live this life without my Garrett and I don't want to.   I think that is a normal response when you love your child with all your heart and they are ripped away from you so brutally.  This pain we feel is the result of the deep, everlasting love we feel for our children.  I try to remember that when the pain is more than I can bear.

I wish I had a magic answer or wise words that would give you some comfort.  You are only three months into this very long, ugly journey, I am not much farther.  

I will say that while I am not a religious person, I am a very spiritual one.   I believe with all my heart and soul our children are close by trying to help us.  I believe they can hear us.  Talk to Diana, she will hear you.   I talk to my Garrett all the time and I know he hears me but we must learn to see and hear differently.

I have found the most comforting place for me is sitting with the birds that my boy loved to listen to in the morning..  I have put up a few feeders and I sit while the birds gather and Garrett and I talk.   There have been times the cardinals and the woodpeckers have done some very strange things directly after I ask a question or sob and cry. hysterically and in those moments I can feel Garrett.  One day I sobbed and cried and told him even the birds were not helping.   The next morning and big fat wild turkey was banging on my window.  He looked at me for a moment and then sauntered away.  In the 21 years I have lived in this house I have never seen a wild turkey.   That also is just the ridiculous, laughable thing my Garrett would do...I can imagine him saying.... "Birds aren't helping... then here's a big one for you Mum!"

Keep looking and keep listening, and keep taking one moment at a time.  Please keep talking and I will listen and hold on to your love for Diana and hers for you.   The truth of how much I love Garrett and how much he loves me.has been the one thing that has gotten me through the darkest moments and that while my boy has been taken from this earth I know he would never leave willingly.  He is close.  Our children are close trying to help.  All of us here will listen...We are all living and walking on this hellish road.  We are with you.

Love and Hugs,

Jackie 

 

Dearest Judith,

I am with you!

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Changed]

Diana’s mom,    I can see the ad too.   Maybe the site has allowed it to raise funds to keep the forums going.   Looks very odd though.   

Sadly, we do all know what you are going through and the despair that you are feeling.    It is an unbelievably desperate and agonising place to be in.     Please try to keep going .

As time passes you will find that your grief changes - it doesn’t  end, of course, but it will be more manageable .   Just now it is your everything and the idea that this will continue for the rest of your life is understandable but it won’t stay like this.  I doubt that you care right now and I fully understand that.   It is so early in your grief and just getting through each day is asking a lot.    
 

I found just sharing my feelings here made me feel less alone and I hope that it does that for you too

Strength and comfort to you,  Roz .

 

Judith, thinking of you today, Roz

[Jacqueline3]

Judith,

I am with you today!

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

i never read what it was about, i thought it was "vaporub" commercial.....who in Gods´ would make a grieving lotion ???  yesterday was rough, as every day is , only sundays' seem the worst...... i get so anxious to come back to work. 

diana's mom , jackie we are in this "forsaken boat" together ....so just keep on venting ....at least you are getting it out your chest

just saw it !!!! i swear i thought ir¿t was vaporub !!!!!!

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael,

You have made me laugh this morning, a rare occasion... Thank you!  I am still chuckling..  I agree, "Who the hell makes a grieving lotion?!  Rub it on and everything's better... Ugh  The person or persons need a sock in the nose....

Thank you Michael..

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael, I actually do the same thing and I do not love the factory job I have taken.  but being there I am busy and it keeps my mind busy keeping up.  At home I see all the places Garrett is not.   I love and miss him so damned much!  It is like there is a constant ravenous claw chewing up my insides....  Sorry you had such a rough weekend Michael.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

Dearest Judith,

We are all standing with you!

[NiquesMom]

I actually never saw the ad until you all mentioned it. Shows how observant I am.

Whats the point in going on? Life sucks, it will always suck to some degree or another. I am in such a pissy mood today. Hate everyone and their so called problems. Dont want to talk to anyone, wish I could hide under my blanket and sleep until I feel better. But I have to be the adult. No one else to do it. Kyle needs me. Cant let him down. Only reason I have to keep going. 

Weekends are the worst. At least during the week we have school and work to distract us. Time just drags on the weekend. I try to take kyle to do things but if we are home and he is occupied with video games, I just wander from room to room, or lay on the bed. Nothing to do and dont want to do anything.

"Its sunday afternoon as I roam from room to room. I miss my life, I miss being a wife. My family is broken, never to be whole. I truly miss them, heart and soul."

[Mason’s Mom]

Judith,  thinking about you today. 

Sundays are hard for me too. I lost my Dad and son on Sunday so it is hard. Our family always had dinner together on Sunday. 

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Judith, you have been on my mind all day.  I am with you.

Dearest Virginia,  I am standing with you.  Is there something you have always wanted to learn how to do... something new that you could do on the weekends to help occupy the time?  I know that is the last thing you want to hear when you are in such pain but I find it helps a little .  And you have listened to me dancing on the brink so many times.   It does not help all the time but it can keep my mind and hands busy... I am thinking of you and Kyle.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

 

[Danielle Masata]

Virginia, I’m right there with you. It is hard to think why am I here and then I remember. My husband is taking care of Patrick now; I’m helping the other two (and my overly dependent dog) in this world. We went from a family of five to a family of three within a year. I wish I would stop, but that thought hasn’t left me for a second. The house is so quiet that I turn the tv on when I take the dog out for a walk so we hear noise upon our return. My husband and I never went through that empty-nest syndrome so I know: I just ache to return to those days when the boys were young and, by comparison, life was carefree. I came upon my middle son’s diary that he wrote when he was 11. So endearing. 

Tonight, I yearn deeply for the loss of my son. He was such a profound presence in our family and all who really knew him and yet he never gave himself credit for his worth. My dear husband, even though we don’t see you or hear you, we know you are right there guiding us, even now. We didn’t thank you enough for all the little things you did for us to make our life easier.

Oops. I didn’t come here tonight to write about my woes. I came here because I was thinking of you all: Michael, Roz, Virginia, Jackie, Lisa, Judith, and so many others (sorry if I’ve forgotten names!), along with new members who struggle with this deep, deep loss. I hope you were okay today. We are in this together. 

[Danielle Masata]

I wonder if I will ever know another person as I have come to know my son or my husband. It is through them that I have become me. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

morning, my wife now wants to have a bust made. i have really mixed emotions about it , but i feel so responsible as she wasnt here when it happened that i have learnt to say yes to whatever she wants ....and it has become an expensive habit saying yes to everything......after B passed , i changed her car , that one i agreed as she had had it for 6 years and got her brand new renault ....fully loaded , even the interior was buffalo leather .....less than 3000  miles later and she hated it , lost a fortune selling it and got her a brand new jeep wrangler , because she wanted to also be part of the jeep gang ..... re doing the house .....she paints a lot , and she is really good at it .....has won quite a number of times with her paintings , so now she built a new paint studio where our main living room was. now she wants a bust and she is kind of pissed off at me because , as i said, im not sure if I want it. i know i should nt even be writing about this as everything is so petty compared to the rest ogf issues most of you have , but i have no where else to go with it.....if i tell my sisters, they will be bias and pull on my side ....so at least i vented .

[Dustins Mom]

10 hours ago, Danielle Masata said:

I wonder if I will ever know another person as I have come to know my son or my husband. It is through them that I have become me. 

Hi Danielle - I am living proof that anything is possible. I lost my husband of 35 years 10 years ago. I was 19 and he was 21 when we married. I just lost one of our sons 11 weeks ago and can only find peace in knowing he’s with my husband now.

I met a man four years ago who accepted me, and understands that I am who I am in large part due to my husband. He accepts him as though he were a friend he never got to meet and is grateful to him for allowing him to take my side now. He’s been my rock during the past few weeks of my overwhelming grief. So yes anything is possible.
Sending you much love and peace. I can’t imagine losing them both in one year. - Angie

[NiquesMom]

Michael, I understand we all grieve differently. Do you not want it because it would be hard to look at? If so, maybe she could keep it in her studio. I don't have many photos up, they make me happy and sad at the same time si its easier to only see them when I want to.

If it is the cost, could you maybe find a compromise that you can both live with?

Sometimes I know it was a blessing that my husband was not Nique dad so I didn't have to deal with his grief like mine as his was different.