Loss of an Adult Child

[Changed]

Well done Virginia - Kyle looks wonderful.     He is such a handsome lad - made my day to see him like that.  Roz x

 

Angie, I’ll check out David Kessler - thanks.  Roz

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

1 hour ago, Changed said:

Well done Virginia - Kyle looks wonderful.     He is such a handsome lad - made my day to see him like that.  Roz x

 

Angie, I’ll check out David Kessler - thanks.  Roz

 

he sure does.....what a smile .....im about to head to wendy´s and get myself a frosty 

[Jacqueline3]

What a wonderful picture of Kyle!  Beautiful smile, thinking of you both.

Angie thank you, I will check out David Kessler

Thinking of you all,,,

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Lorene]

I am new here, so I don't really know what I am doing. I love my oldest daughter to a drug overdose, specifically fentanyl. She had 2 years of sobriety when she relapsed. It ended up being a fatal shot. I have a great support system and have come a long way in my grief. But recently I have been struggling with some pretty severe anxiety. It was all triggered by a Dream I had about my daughter. Since then I have struggles to sleep for fear of more nightmares. In addition to that, I avoid sleep because every time I was up I am jolted awake with panic. The day I got the call she that she died, I was taking a nap. I woke up to a call from my son. So now, even though I know it's totally unreasonable, I am afraid to fall asleep for fear that something horrible will happen while I am asleep. So I figured it couldn't hurt to reach out to other parents who have lost a child.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Lorene,  I am so sorry for your loss.   My name is Jackie and I lost my 22 year old son, Garrett, last August on my 60th birthday.  I lost him to an undiagnosed abnormality of his liver, by the time it reared its head it was too late.  I have found great comfort on this site from people in all different stages of their grief.  I think your fear of sleep is very normal given when you got the phone call from your son.  I do not thinking is is unreasonable at all.  Have you talked to anyone about the dream you had about your daughter?   I have found it helps to talk about dreams and other fears and pain I am experiencing.   I have not had a great support system, my eldest girl has been a great help to me and those wonderful individuals on this site.  I also talk to Garrett all the time and that helps me a great deal.  I however am very much still on a rollercoaster ride with intense emotion and sorrow.   We are walking a hellish road that no parent should have to walk and it is not easy.  There is no rule book or correct or incorrect way to deal with the nightmare we have to face every damned day.  Perhaps leaving a TV or music or series of comforting or funny videos on, will help as you sleep.   I have left a computer on for a year with playlists of comforting or funny or just videos I like...animal videos anything you are interested in..  Then when I wake up it is there and I see something.other than the nightmare I am living... It isn't that I don't think of Garrett when I wake, I think of him all the time... but it does help with the anxiety and fear as I wake because it is familiar.  I also have been on anxiety medication.  I don't like it but it has helped me through times when I can not even rise from the floor.   I love and miss my Garrett so much... I do understand your pain... Everyone on this site understands and we walk supporting each other.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Hugs Lorene!

I lost my daughter 4.5 years ago at the age of 18 due to a pedestrian/vehicle accident.  She died outside the apartments we were living in, I was home at the time and had no idea. I struggled for years walking near any vehicles. I definitely could not jaywalk (thats how she died). 

I am doing better now but it took time for that fear to recede but I understand the fear of sleeping based on what happened. I no longer sleep well. But I dont want to take meds so I take melatonin. It helps me get to sleep. But I dont sleep thru the night ever.

I made the mistake of telling my dr i couldn't sleep and they labeled me as depressed. I told them I am grieving, not depressed.

My best suggestion is too talk to someone. I finally came to the realization that I cannot control anything so having my fears isn't changing anything. I still have fears but I try not to let them control me.

[Changed]

Hello Lorene,  I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter.   You can be assured that everyone here shares the devastation of losing their own child and I have found that fact to be of comfort and wisdom .

Your great support system and how you have been able to cope with your grief is huge.   The anxiety you’re  now feeling about sleeping and what that bings sounds understandable if not desirable.   We have said here how much it feels like PTSD  - with that relentless replaying of our horror shows.
 

My name is Roz and I lost my son, David, at the end of 2016.   If you care to come back to us here we can offer our friendship but none of us have any professional insight into grief - we just care about each other.   We come here to report things in our lives that would mean nothing to anyone else but know that the others will get it and that is so valuable.

Take care,  Lorene, I hope that you can get some restful sleep and I hope to speak to you again soon.    Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  love the picture.  His smile is so full of joy. It makes me smile. You are doing a good job, mom.

[Mason’s Mom]

Lorene, we do have a great support group amongst our group. Sleep has been a problem for me,  I would love to lay down and feel peace and know I could sleep through the night. Many of the people who post here have had good dreams about their lost children. I have only had a few short dreams and the one I remember was like Mason was walking by me and seemed confused as to why I wanted him to just stay by my side. It was as if he was saying you got to let go. December 17th it will be 5 years since we lost our son. I can honestly say not a day goes by that I don't think about him. We were sleeping on a Sunday morning when we got the call, our 21 year old son was unresponsive. He had a fatal heart disease,  no previous signs of illness. We all understand,  there's no time frame for grief and anyone that tells you to get on with life or thinks you should be able to carry on as before has no understanding. 

I hope you find comfort amongst us.

Carol

 

[Lorene]

Oh my! I am so grateful for the responses. The first entire year after I lost my daughter was a fog, a strange place to be. I would sit on my deck from sun up to sunset. Just staring into space. I feel deep sadness and a heightened anxiety that was so physically and mentally painful. But at the same time I lost a desire to do anything with and significance. Where I once felt passionately about things, I could no longer be bothered with anything enuf to feel any emotions but regret and anxiety.  I could feel happiness. I was incapable of getting angry or have opinions on anything of substance. I finally started coming out of that and wanted to start reconnecting with the human race. I felt ok about expanding was had turned into an extremely small bubble of relationships. As Far as sleep goes? I came back to my home town for the weekend and stayed with my brother. I felt like if I was with someone I trust and would be able to wake me if an emergency came up. I was able to sleep better than I have in weeks. I am truly touched and grateful that people such as yourselves are out there knowing exactly what I am going thru. I reached out to my therapist to get an appt ASAP. Just so I can talk it out? I also thought it wouldn't hurt to see a sleep specialist? I am in recovery as well, so medication options are limited. Thank you so much for the support.  I cannot tell you what it meant to me to open up my phone and see all of your comments. I think I will stick around and continue coming here. It was my birthday yesterday, so this is the best gift I could have received.

[NiquesMom]

Oh my heavens, sitting here blubbering! Stupidly decided I wanted to listen to one of Christopher CD, so i went out and bought a CD player for my room. Put in the CD of this group Leahy we went to see in concert back in 2008 maybe? Havent listened to it probably in 10 years. This song, Borrowed Time, has me so sad, missing him and Nique. If you can click this link, its a good song but have a box of tissues. Or just google it.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=QOyXHRGN7OA&list=RDAMVMQOyXHRGN7OA

 

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia, have been thinking of you and Kyle....

Dearest Lorene, I am glad we were able to help.  It is a horrible, ugly road to walk alone especially when none of us chose to be here. 

I am struggling,the day I lost my precious boy is fast approaching, a day I once called my birthday... now it is the most hated and horrible day of my life.  I have been having more flashbacks and it is an ugly nightmare... I miss my Garrett.

Love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Changed]

That was a brave thing to do Virginia - do you think that you’d be able to listen to it again?  It’s a beautiful song but so close to the bone.   The fact that Christopher particularly liked it makes it a very special message I should think.    Go easy,  Roz x
 

 

[Changed]

Jackie,  I’m sat here having a think about your birthday and all it will bring for you to manage later this month.   I know that you won’t be caring about yourself and will be only thinking about Garrett and that awful day.
 Having the two anniversaries on the same day is going to be rough - especially this first year.    Your family may need a little guidance on how to treat your birthday so it doesn’t cut you to threads each time someone acknowledges it.   Maybe, you could suggest a charity for donations in yours and Garrett’s name - a bird’s one perhaps - then you can avoid gifts and cards and they will know how to tread.

We can talk about it over the next few weeks .   Roz x 

[NiquesMom]

My brother died on my moms birthday in 1976. It was not until her last birthday in 1999 before she died that she told me she never wanted to celebrate her birthday. It made me sad that I never thought about her not wanting to celebrate (mind you I was the last born and he had been the second). I wish I had ubderstood better, and I wish she was here to help me with all this. 

Jackie, I think if you can be honest about what you want or don't want, or the fact that you dont know, might help people.

My first birthday after nique died my coworkers celebrated. I didn't want to but they didn't ask me. Afterwards I was crying on the stairwell and my boss found me. I asked if I had faked it ok?

Sometimes thats all we can do, fake it and cry our eyes out

[Michael Rodriguez]

hi lorene , my name is michael and it seems im  the only male left in this site....few have showed up ove the 14 months ive been here. i lost my son Brian 16 months ago to complications after surgery. day bdoes not go by that i dont shed a tear for him , as im writting i am also staring as his picture cuddling Bruno .....that was his dog a huge old english mastiff. we old grieve and we all get our support right here in this place . 

jackie , i can not see myself celebrating any holidays whatsoever , my step daughters birthday was saturday , she turned 42 ....and we had some people our age , ( i turn 60 on sept) ....my wife nad i called it quits at about 8:30 ....explained that we no longer celebrate .....but then again most older people had already left 

[Jacqueline3]

Morning to all,   The thought of celebrating anything is abhorrent to me... I am right there with you Michael.  I cannot stomach it and I sure as hell will not celebrate my birthday. More dreams of how my last birthday went... God they are terrible dreams a replay of that horrible day..    Hope all is as well as can be with everyone.  Glad you all are here, if I don't read any posts or talk to anyone every day, I am lost.  Thanks for holding my hand....

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Lisa M.]

I picked up Donald 's ashes on my birthday.   It was truly awful. This year my coworkers took me out to lunch.  I didn't want to be rude so I went,  however I was just numb.   All I could think about was how I felt bringing home my beloved son's ashes.   I was sitting at the computer yesterday  and saw something that I knew would interest Don.  For a split second I thought --- OH, I gotta call Don and tell him.   Then it hit me,   I can't do that.  Welcome to everyone new here.  Although I don't post everyday,   I read here everyday.   I so appreciate everyone on the site.   It is the only place I can truly feel my feelings are validated.  Hugs to all.   You are all in my heart and prayers.

[Lorene]

Jackie, I am sorry about your birthday. I haven't really been into my birthday for years even before my daughter passed. I have other children so I celebrate special moments for them.  When my daughters birthday came around her father and siblings and I all gathered together and went to her favorite restaurant and celebrated her as a family. It can be brutal. I too forget sometimes she's gone. I want to tell her something and for a split second I forget. Then reality hits and my heart sinks. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Having a rough time.  I have posted about some of my husband's health issues, we recently bought a new bed. Split king with all the bells and whistles. It is supposed to great for your back, Tim struggles to sleep,  shoulder, back and hip pain. His shoulders are no better so we will be heading back to specialist to see what they can do.

My oldest daughter is still not well, severely enemic. She has an appointment next week with a Hematologists. Hope they can help.

last week my 21 year daughter started experiencing severe back pain.  She had an MRI and has a herniated disk.. she starts back to college on the 21st.  Hope the meds and physical therapy work quickly. 

I get so tired, feel like we are under constant attack.  Sorry for ranting.  Again I ask the question WHY. 

Carol

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you Lisa and Lorene,   I never really cared about my birthday as I got older but August was a fun month with my kids as they grew up.  Now I hate this month and I just ache with emptiness and pain.  I miss Garrett so much....

Dearest Carol, it sounds like you are being bombarded with issues...I am so sorry.  my thoughts and prayers go out to everyone, wishing your girls both a quick recover and your husband some comfort and easing of his pain   Do not be sorry for ranting, sometimes I wonder how damned much we are all supposed to take!  I watch so many others dance around without a care in the world when we are desperately holding the pieces of our shattered lived together, while still getting hit with more and more...  I am sorry now I am ranting....

Thinking of you all and hoping everyone is finding some measure of comfort somewhere.

Jackie

[Changed]

Blimey Carol, that is an awful lot to be worrying about all at the same time.      
Has your husband had all this pain and sleeping difficulties historically or is it a recent problem?    
 
(My mum was the same and her medics tried her on lots of pain relief - it didn’t touch the sides.  Then one day her very kind GP / family doctor called round with some steroids ( prednisone) for her to take - he said that he wasn’t sure what was wrong but had a suspicion and they would soon know after her taking the  meds..   It was an amazing turnaround!      By the end of that very day mum was able to touch her toes again !  No lie!      Apparently,  she had polymyalgia rheumatica and had to stay on the steroids for 3 years then taper off.    Worked a treat and my friend’s husband is going through the same successful treatment at the mo.     Probably of no use in Tim’s case but wanted to mention it - you never know. )
 

I hope that your girls can get sorted out soon.    Rotten that their lives are interrupted like this.

Feeling for you Carol - I know how you will be worrying about everyone.  Love , Roz

 

[Changed]

Lisa, you struck a chord.   David died in Australia- we live in the uk - we flew over to be there .   We were shattered, physically and mentally, after literally days of travel to get there then had to go and collect David’s ashes.  I sat in the back of the car with him on my knee - I felt relief that I was holding him again - how strange .  I’m still numb to it all around that journey and what we had to do .
It was otherworldly.    We played games and tried to be normal with our little grandson - we were out of body and surreal but had to help him through.   I don’t dwell on that period much because it doesn’t seem real - I remember every moment of it though .      Maybe I need therapy but I don’t want to unpack it.
  I went crazy when we got the call to say he’d died - like a nut job - not understanding or believing  - I grieved , and continue to grieve , in a text book way so it’s not that I’m in denial.  It’s just that month that we went to where our son should have been was so very wrong and we were punch drunk throughout.    My husband’s take on it all is the same - a dream like quality to it. 

For the newer members I am aware that I don’t share a lot of details on David’s death.   He was married and his wife is a public figure who has asked that I don’t share personal information that involves her /them.  Although I’d be happy to share privately ,as there is nothing sinister,  this is a public site so I will stick to my own grief to comment on.    I hope that’s ok.   Roz x

[Michael Rodriguez]

met a lady lawyer yesterday , late 40's i guess....,.was telling me how she lost her 10 year old son 5 years ago. her husband nad her 2 sons were driving from san pedro sula back to tegucigalpa and they got into an accident ...the youngest of the 2 boys died , the other one was completely disfugered and was in a critical stage , husband was also critical .....she was trying to hold everything together and taking care of burying her son ....she never was able to find the time to grieve or even cry ...was so busy taking care of everything....4 years later , one day she just fainted , she was in such a state of depression that it finally caught up to her ....,..,4 years it took .....she saw a psychiatrist that went with her to her sons grave , she was reluctant to doing it ....when they got there she just broke into 1000 pieces ....doing better now with therapy .....but it says that depression was just hiding inside

[Changed]

Michael, that’s horrible for her - what a nightmare.   It’s good that she found that help.

I think that I’m facing up to reality and I have certainly grieved .  He is always on my mind - sounds obsessive but I think it’s normal after losing your child.    I’m trying to get on with my life but I know that I’m depressed and have lost a lot of my enthusiasm generally but I also know I’m not clinically depressed and I think that is the one that needs serious help.      If that month comes back and gets me then it will be ugly but I don’t think I’ve anything to gain digging in it right now.

I once shared on here that I’d only be able to talk to a therapist who had also lost their child and would have true empathy - a therapist guy contacted me on the private messages tab above - offering his services - he had lost his child too.   I was shocked to be approached if I’m honest.   I didn’t take up his offer.   I also got contacts from companies wanting me to try their grief merchandise and give them feed back - I didn’t follow up.   Does anyone else get them ?  I haven’t had any for the last couple of years but the fact that  someone not connected with our group was reading and contacting me privately via this site was disconcerting.   I wonder if we can send private information amongst ourselves that way too    

[Michael Rodriguez]

never happened to me.....only the vaporub ....but that one, i guess, we all had it

[Changed]

Just checked - there are more .  Inbox envelope tab.  Some asking to join in research or programmes for tv.  Not pushy at all and can ignore but  uncomfortable that they are reading when they are not in this position.   Move on please

 

Yes, I have the magic rub too - like a potion - that’s what we all need. Sure!
 

[Dianas Mom]

I don't know how to survive the loss of my daughter Diana. Shes been gone nearly 4 months and the emotional pain has become intolerable. It's a bleeding wound in my heart so deep I'll never recover. I'm confused all the time, my mind races from one thought to another in an endless circle. I function at a bare minimum, shake continually, hard to breathe. I feel dead inside, nothing gives me any pleasure, nothing really matters anymore. I've wanted to post many times, but I just don't have the strength. Everyone here on this site is suffering with the grief that comes with their loss of a beloved child. I read your posts and identify with the same anguish you're experiencing. 

[Changed]

Diana’s Mom,  it is so unbelievably horrible what you are feeling.   It seems impossible that anyone could ever survive it or even want to.   I know.  
Right now it will take all you have got to get through the day.    It’s no wonder that your head is all over the place .   Exhaustion of mind and body is major but the inability  to collapse in sleep adds to the distress.    Try to keep hydrated and focus on your breathing if you possibly can - that will be useful in lots of ways.  Grieving takes a lot out of us.
Some of the parents here are also at this same point and will probably be of more significance and be able to help you more at this moment .   It’s of comfort to know that you’re not on your own .   This is my sixth year since my son , David, died  and I have seen a huge change in myself and my grief but that will of be of no relevance to you at present-   
I understand how impossible it feels to care at all but keep reaching out whenever you can.   Peace to you,  Roz 

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Just reading all the posts. Roz, I don't think it is obsession I think about Mason all the time. Strange thoughts sometimes,  like we just bought a new couch and love seat. It hasn't delivered yet but I keep thinking about seeing Mason sitting on our love seat,  comfortable and happy. Soon it will be gone. Makes me think I am crazy. 

Michael, the spring after Mason passed away I passed away I passed out and fell in our hallway in the middle of the night. I think my body just shut down for a bit.

Diana's mom, I hope you have someone to talk to in person. 

Jackie how are the birds?

[Jacqueline3]

Morning to all,

Carol the birds are plentiful and still arrive when I need them most.  The cardinals are abundant and I enjoy each of them.  There is one female that sits at the same place each day at about the same time.   I have three little female downy woodpeckers and they squabble ridiculous.... and I have a few baby that are old enough to fly but still very young.  I have especially enjoyed the large red tailed hawk.  He is very vocal and just an exquisite animal.  

That being said I am really having a hard time.   It is August 10, I keep thinking of last year... that at this time Garrett was here and I had no damned idea I would lose him a short twenty days later.... I am crying all the time and having a hard time doing anything.   I just want to curl in a ball and see my son.   God I miss him, I don't know how to live this life without my precious Garrett.  I hate this life.

[Changed]

Jackie ,  that little bit of peace you find with your birds is invaluable.   
They look so beautiful - I’ve never seen them in the real but did Google them so I could see what you’re seeing.

I was up at 2am in the night feeding a huge hedgehog.  It’s been very sunny and dry and he was making such a fuss foraging in the dry boarders that I thought I’d give him a hand with some food and particularly with ground level water.    He was straight into it.

The thinking back to this time last year is natural .   There seems no words that can do justice to how bad it feels is there?   We all know though and are holding your hand tightly. 

How are you coping at work and are people understanding towards you there ?

I hope that your daughter is getting better too.   It’s a lot to be thinking about.   Love Roz x
 

 

 

[Changed]

Carol,  your love seat and the memory of Mason enjoying it is a lovely image.  Roz x

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz,  You are so right, there are not words or explaining to anyone how horrible it is.  Only those that have experienced such a horrible loss can understand any of the emotions.... the endless empty ache to see and hug your child.   I have the terrible need to just roll up in a ball most of the time right now.  

Work for the most part is okay, most of the people are very kind... there are always those that are a pain in the bum. 

The hawk is just exquisite, I had never seen one close either... I looked him up so I could be sure what I was looking at.  I do not see him every day but I do hear him.  His cry is very intimidating.   I also learned that his cry is often substituted in for the Bald Eagle so that they sound impressive.... the Bald Eagle actually has a chirpy sound.  I was surprised. 

I love your hedgehog, I  have never actually seen on of those in person.   We have ground hogs, one that has been with us for years, she looks like a monster now she is so big, We just let her be and she is happy to just rummage around in the yard and woods.

Jolene is slowly getting better, but it will be a long haul for her.  She did finally find a therapist she likes, which is a blessing.

I am just rambling, missing Garrett and trying to fight off the guilt I still feel for not seeing something serious was wrong.  Even though I know I could not have known.   I worry about both of my girls, Gily is okay physically but I do worry about the relationship she is in...and now she has a son.... None of us are fans, neither is Garrett.  Wow, I am just rambling... sorry very anxious and depressed... I just don't know how to live this life, it is not mine without one of my children... I am irreparably broken and my heart cries tears of blood all the time.

How are you doing Roz?  I think about you often.  

Thinking of all, hoping at least a small measure of comfort to everyone today

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Changed]

Hi Jackie,   A bit of a ramble now and then is not a bad thing it’s surprising what we meet - I do in my head anyway!    Good that Jolene is improving and disappointing that Gily’s choices aren’t ideal.   

I’m ok.  Life, of course, is not the carefree , happy go lucky, experience it once was.   I’m like the shepherd with one of my flock missing .  I don’t seem to do anything much that’s worthwhile - I seem a bit selfish and for the first time I’m not part of any good works or charitable cause.    I have always in the past been involved in the community - from the local, happy jobs like driving the aged, teaching pottery at the primary school and home visiting of those in need , to the more challenging roles.  I got stitched up by the church and ended up being a volunteer visitor in a notorious hospital for the criminally insane.  A church elder friend wanted me to do the course with her and start volunteering there but she had to pull out and begged me to go it alone. - I did and was doing it for years until we went to work in Hong Kong and Singapore .   That is where I got friendly with some vets and began the heartbreak years of animal rescue.   Always a houseful of rescues and people coming and going.   That sat along side the most bizarre life of an indulged expat .   It’s very quiet these days !   
That will teach you to ask how I am.    I took a backpack and boots for that ramble.  Roz x

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz, I very much enjoyed you booted and backpacking ramble.   I can see where David got his adventurous spirit.  I do not have the energy to mingle with people.  it is hard enough at work.  Tonight was a rough night again and I am glad to be home.  i just feel so broken and uninterested in so many things.....Thanks for taking my on your journey,

love and hugs,

Jackie

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

thanks roz, for also taking me in your journey.....maybe , one day you can share some of your stories with us....you seem like the most interesting person around here. 

BTW i have ventured into the UK market and been shipping to north yorkshire ...very nice gentleman i have been dealing with 

[Changed]

Well done Michael,  Yorkshire is a very beautiful county - the dales and the moors make for great walking - my husband is from Yorkshire stock but I won’t hold that against the place.    They are very straightforward folk from there and I enjoy their warmth.     Roz

 

[Jacqueline3]

Morning everyone,

I am beginning to feel like Jekyll and Hyde.  My emotions are everywhere I go in seconds from sobbing uncontrollably to raging anger, to utter despondency to pretending I'm fine to just wanting to sleep and forget how hellish my life has become.,   I cannot seem to get myself on any form of even ground.   Any form of intense emotion inevitably leads to an uncontrolled bout of crying.  I am a fucking mess.

Jackei

[Lisa M.]

Hi all.  I agree with Michael.   Roz, I would love to hear more stories.   I love the way you write and put things together.    My significant other left Tuesday morning  to help a dear friend drive to Alaska.   We have made The beautiful trip twice But she has never driven it and asked for some help. I don't know how to say it without sounding awful In some way but honestly I love him dearly but I haven't joyed this time to myself. I don't have to put up this wall even with him, I can have my emotions raw and out in the open.  I still hide my emotions from some people dumb people because they are the ones that think I should be over this by now. That I should be handling it better. I just want to tell them to shut up and leave me alone. I work at a district office and I go in in the morning and go to my office and shut the door That is a sign to everyone that I don't want to be bothered.   Most people honor that signal.   But  there Is a group that just doesn't give a crap.   As I sit in the house here with no TV no radio I swear I can hear my son's voice. This is the house he was raised in And I can still see in my mind, some very vivid memories.  While I miss my significant other I am truly enjoying this time with my son.  Jackie, my thoughts and prayers go out to you as your son's angel day approaches.   It was a rough one for me when Don's angel 😇  day came.  I guess I've  Added a rain slicker to the boots And backpack as I ramble on here today. My rambles aren't as eloquent as Roz's are. I seem to go all over the place.  Thank you all for being here. 

[Changed]

Dear, dear Jackie. - it seems your whole being really doesn’t know how to function and it’s bouncing you all over the place.   Truth be told these weeks will be torturous- the thoughts of what was this time last year are crippling so your emotions are understandable.  
  When we think of every negative , painful human emotion then that is what we have to navigate.   We all know the sadness of grief but at times there is guilt, anger and fury,  jealousy, denial and a desire to run and hide .   I could go on but none of them are welcome reactions and it takes time to wade through them all -   and revisit them  -  right now Jackie you have an overload .   
Your birds seem your most peaceful zone  - see if you can centre there and focus on minute details about them - anything will do to quieten down all the thoughts flooding you. 
I don’t really know what I’m talking about to be honest but I know what I managed to do.  I had a different focus to help me switch off for a while - so I could sleep for instance - you can try your own and the bird’s feathers may be a good place to start - you are a creative so it could be easier for you than most - please give it a good go.     
Do the best you can and don’t expect too much of yourself.  How is your husband and daughters coping - it will be an extra sharp time for them too.    Love,  Roz  x

[Changed]

Lisa, no idea what a rain slicker is - I’m guessing a pac-a-mac - happy to walk along side you wearing it though. 

Having your own space for a while must allow you to be authentic and spending it with the familiar closeness of Don must be comforting - between the tears that is..   

Aren’t the people who think that there is a sell by date for  grief after losing a child lucky ?  to not know this agony and to believe it passes as if it were a blip.   
 

Thanks for liking my meanderings - I could certainly bore you senseless with my anecdotes.     I’m one of the older ones here and I have had a big life full of vastly different chapters - this present one , like all of you,  is the very worse I could ever have imagined.    We lose a lot of ourselves in such devastating grief don’t we?    The ones who posted on this thread over the years became friends and chatted about all sorts of things  - sport, gardens and their lives - as new parents arrived they embraced them but carried on with their established friendships - I hope that we can all do the same and stay connected over the years to come .

Peace to you,  Roz x

[Mason’s Mom]

I saw that quote and thought of you guys.  For those who have lost daughter's it is the same,  they live on in the hearts of others. 

[Changed]

Unusually quiet from you Jackie - how are you ?  Not that great I would imagine.  Strength to you . Roz x

[Michael Rodriguez]

yes jackie, its been since saturday since we lost heard from you . you ok ???

[Jacqueline3]

I'm really struggling.  My heart is breaking all over again.  I feel so very raw and the crying has been more intense and any spike in emotion triggers a barrage of crying.  I really appreciate you all asking and talking to me.    I feel a sense of shock and surrealness all over again.  It can't be a ;year.... It cannot be real... I cannot have lost my Garrett... I miss him so much...  How do I participate in this life I cannot even understand or recognize?

Jackie

[Changed]

My poor Jackie, I don’t think that I have anything I can say to ease your distress.    I wish that I did.  
 It’s been a shocking year and each day is a lot for you to face.  
I think that all you describe is familiar territory for the grieving parent - rest assured that we all want to help you stay afloat - as you help others do the same

love, Roz x

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you my dearest Roz.... I need all of you.   I am hanging on by my fingernails.  I know all of you have been there or are there in this first year, yet I know in my heart that this pain and grief,,(no matter how it alters in the years to come) is mine to carry and live with the rest of my life, In truth I would have it no other way because it is a testament to how much I love my Garrett..

thank you Roz

love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Dustins Mom]

Hi Jackie - I’m so sorry to know you are feeling like most of us have felt/are feeling. As I’ve talked about before I lost my husband of 35 years unexpectedly 10 years ago. He was only 56. And 3 months ago I lost our youngest son at age 39. Our family of 4 has been reduced to only 2 now. I went through the ordeal of losing my husband with no counseling because I didn’t think I needed it and started working 50-60 hours a week to avoid dealing with it. But this time I knew that losing my son could and would have the ability to absolutely destroy me if I didn’t seek help right away. I’ve mentioned David Kessler’s work to you before but here is a YouTube interview link with him that will help shed some light on the kind of help he’s able to provide and why I’m so strongly suggesting you take a look. He can’t fix your loss Jackie - just like none of us here can do either - but he may be able to help you find some comfort in his approach to grief. Sending big hugs your way, Angie 🙏🏼❤️

 

[Jacqueline3]

morning everyone,

Bare with me, there is a point to this stupid story Night before last there was a disagreement at work.   The machine I was on was not working, it was spitting drugs instead of putting them in bottles.  There is one girl there that takes over everything and thinks she knows everything.  Needless to say she made her way to the machine and took over but had no more Idea than I did what was happening.  I was trying to get the man who runs that area so he could look at it.  I told the one girl to go get Neil and my voice was loud which pissed miss-know-it-all off..She bossed me around and then told me she was taking over and then. She accused me of laying hands on her and pushing her around, and then she screamed loud enough for everyone to hear...'Get your hands off me?   I never touched her.. I may be many things but never in my life have I physically shoved and pushed people around!  I am still disturbed by the entire incident. 

Yesterday I was called in to the big cheeses office for 45 minutes and reprimanded.  I have never spoken to this man before. The entire incident was blamed on an old woman grieving. "I was too emotional". I don't really say much of anything at work.   I cannot say I have never cried at work but twice in nine months and both times I removed myself.  Much of the discussion was on how I was grieving.... I should never be crying because I make my boy cry, I should be laughing and having fun so that Garrett would  be happy.

THAT IS HOW I FEEL ALL THE TIME..... EVERYONE FEELS THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO TELL ME HOW TO GRIEVE....I HAVE LOST MY SON AND NOW THEY ARE TRYING TO TAKE WHAT LITTLE I HAVE LEFT AS I TRY TO FIND A WAY TO LIVE THIS BROKEN LIFE..    by the way, I said nothing as he was speaking... I was beyond words...and angry, figured it was best to nod and not make that the moment to let loose.  

I am barely hanging on...

jackie