Loss of an Adult Child

[NiquesMom]

Danielle, I miss my husband so much. It took me so long to find him. He accepted me, flaws and all. I don't think I want to ever try again. Relationships are hard and I think I an too broken. It would take too much energy to explain my life: My husband, my daughter. I know they watch over us and I am just marking time.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael,

I do not want to step on any toes but I think this choice should be yours.  If you do not want the bust then your wife should respect that, it seems you have done so much to make her happy.   I am just speaking from my point of view but nothing material can make me feel better without Garrett. 

I do believe with all of my heart that the bust or any decision of the kind must be acceptable and comfortable for you both.  If it will sit wrong with you or make you sad or uncomfortable then you have to do what is best for you.  You are still dealing with heavy grief and pain and will be for the rest of your life.    I know it doesn't help but I have your back and support your choice.  Good luck to you.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Jackie, I know I need to find a hobby to occupy myself when I am at home but honestly I just don't care about anything. I thought of learning to play the piano, but that reminded me of my mom and Nique and made me sad. Everything makes me sad. I thought of a group, like a book club, but I don't always like people right now. I am just list and floundering right now.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia,

I am thinking of you... I too am looking for the day I can hug my Garrett close again.  Both you and Kyle have lost do much.  It is so hard when my heart bleeds with continual tears to remember that my girls and husband need me too... I just want to be with Garrett.  It is a hellish life that I wish none of us were living.  My heart goes out to you and Kyle.

Love and Hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Judith, I hope you a small time of peace yesterday. We are here and thinking of your.

[Jacqueline3]

Judith, I am thinking of you...

love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Angie, you give me hope. The multiple losses are just so hard. I am so tired. I dont want to do this life alone. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia

Believe me I know.... just keep your eyes open for anything that peeks your interest or at the very least doesn't generate apathy.  that is what I do.   I have enough apathy for 100 people...

I am thinking of you, love

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Roz, thank you for asking after me. Sometimes I read but forget to respond. I have next week off and kyle and I are having a staycation. Going to go to the movies, swimming, video games, ice cream. Pretty much whatever he wants (within reason)

Diana mom: it is so hard to keep going for others. I am pretty sure if I didn't have kyle, I may have just wiled my heart to stop with my daughters. As trite as it sounds, they still need us and I have to believe thats why we are still here. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

2 hours ago, Jacqueline3 said:

Dearest Michael,

I do not want to step on any toes but I think this choice should be yours.  If you do not want the bust then your wife should respect that, it seems you have done so much to make her happy.   I am just speaking from my point of view but nothing material can make me feel better without Garrett. 

I do believe with all of my heart that the bust or any decision of the kind must be acceptable and comfortable for you both.  If it will sit wrong with you or make you sad or uncomfortable then you have to do what is best for you.  You are still dealing with heavy grief and pain and will be for the rest of your life.    I know it doesn't help but I have your back and support your choice.  Good luck to you.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

jackie, again i ended up saying yes.....,.it is not the cost . i hardly spend any money on myself , but your idea to keep it in her studio is a really good one....ill just chose when i want to see him .....i have a lot of his pictures on my desk, i write to him, being doing so since may 5th last year and we both grief in very different ways......for starters i reach out to you guys ....but thanks for having my back.....  

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael, you are welcome, we are in this together.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Morning to all,

Had a dream last night my family was whole and Garrett was well and happy and with us.... I woke of to the bleak, nightmare that it isn't so.  Now all I want to do is cry and go to sleep again..

Jackie...

[Dustins Mom]

Oh Jackie! What a mixed blessing to dream of Garrett. I would love to remember a dream of Dustin but I know waking up from it would be where the nightmare begins again.  Holding you close in my thoughts and hoping you can have a gentle day, holding his memory tightly in your heart. 
Angie ❤️

[Changed]

Jackie,  I’m so pleased that Garrett was well and happy for you in your dream - if you can , keep a hold of that.         I hope that you are as ok as you can be today - Roz x

[Jacqueline3]

Guys,  I don't want to do this anymore.  I want my son.  I know all of you do too, want you children as much as I want Garrett.  I am inconsolable today and miserable.  II want to hear and see my Garrett!

Jackie

[Dustins Mom]

Oh Jackie - I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much with your pain today. Do you have someone in your world who you can reach out to physically? A family member, friend, church member, counselor? Sometimes we just need to tell someone in person. It helps. Sending you much love and a deep understanding of what you’re feeling. 🙏🏼❤️

[Changed]

Dear Jackie,  It’s horrendous that our days are no longer what they were or what we want them to be and we have no way of changing any of that - it is the most unimaginable misery that we are in.   I hope that you know how much I care and understand how grotesque life is for you. 
I know that you are a month away from it being a year since you lost your lovely Garrett.  These weeks will heighten your anxiety , as I know from experience,  and plunge you even deeper into your despair.   
Am I right that you are getting some medical help with your grief?  This is a very difficult thing for me to ask  but when you say that you don’t want to do this anymore , I’m concerned that you are in danger.     If I were living near to you I’d want to spend time having a cuppa and talking and crying with you but we will have to make do with speaking here with our friends.     Carol , Virginia and myself have been talking here for years and we often said similar things to you and it sounded worrying- we needed to clarify that although we sounded desperate we were not suicidal  - so we do get it.
The trough we find ourselves in is so bleak there is no denying it .   Keep going, love, keep talking .

Hugs , Roz x
 

[Michael Rodriguez]

jackie, we are all long on despair for our kids, i was watching some of B's pictures yesterday when he was about 5 years old and it just tore me to pieces .....we all understand what you are going thru , i went thru the same when april 14 came around and when june 19 came around....those dates are so filled with emptiness and desperation ...... i would love to find words to make you feel better , but they are none.....only choice you have is to try to be strong and as Dust's mom says try to see somebody that you can talk too face to face. 

i hope you get better

[Judith fay]

Jackie,

I know how much you miss your Garrett. He is watching over you and with you always. I know your grief  and pain.  Would it help you to actually talk on the phone to someone who knows what you going through and feeling? Im willing if you are. My Christinas Angel date just passed . We celebrated  her by telling stories and looking at her baby book and photos and memories  of her and her boys set off baloons  with messages on them. Then we went out to her favorite restaurant.  I was a mess I kepted  it in until the kids went to sleep.

I hate going to bed knowing i wont sleep and I will be reluving another day without my girls I just think of my girls..

I'm  here for you Jackie

Big Huggs

Mom of Christina and Dasha

 

 

 

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you.. this is the place where I feel the most understood and accepted.   thank you for asking Roz, i am not suicidal, just very tired and very sad and very emotional and desperately missing Garrett.  You are right Roz, My emotions are all heightened and raw. .  August is upon us and I am feeling desperate and inconsolable. How can it be a year since the nightmare began.  It seems like yesterday.   I used to do so much with the kids in August when they were all small and then in school because it was before the school year started.  When the girls left home, Garrett and I kept up the activity in August, it was always one of my favorite months because we all had so much fun together... now I am dreading it,  It holds the worst day of my life. ,Roz,,Michael, Judith, Dustin's Mom,thank you.for holding my hand...I am going to take another of the medication the doctor gave me and try to sleep. You are all so important to me....I am thinking of you all. 

love and hugs to all of you

Judith I would love to talk... 

[Mason’s Mom]

Jackie,  I hope you can rest. Everyone is right your emotions are going to heightened as the day approaches . The dread and the thoughts of how time seems to be counted differently for us. So many people tell how time heals all wounds,  if only they knew. You have all us here, as Roz said some of us have talked for years.  It helps to hear you aren't alone. Find time to be with the birds and tell Garrett how much you love him. That is the thing our love continues to be strong for our children. I believe the strength of our love makes the pain even worse. 

[Changed]

 I hope that everyone is able to get some rest today - but I know that for some their Sundays are even harder -  love and understanding to you x

How are you Jackie ?  I have been thinking about you.

Michael, will your wife be making the bust of B herself ?   If so , it will be made with love .  
I only have one small framed photograph - placed by my side in the sitting room - of David and my mother both laughing - I remember the moment it was taken and I casually look at it throughout my day but there are no other photographs on display in the reception rooms just loads of artwork collected on our travels.  Our study, however, is full of framed photographs - graduations, holidays , childhoods -  the lot , but they are personal and private and I keep items the children made when they were little there too.     This feels right for me but we are all so different aren’t we  - the fact that I have Dave’s belongings dotted about the house helps me but others ( without loss) may think it odd  - so what?  I’ll take comfort where I can .

We we’re watching a movie last night and everything about it transported me back to a time when my family was whole with no thoughts of what was to come - I wanted so much to be back there living my life without this heavy sadness .   I miss David so much .   It’s been so long. 
Roz 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz,

I am holding my own but still very easy to fall into inconsolable crying and despair.... of course they are always there but now I have less of a hold on them.... like mine was ever great.  I do not think that is strange.  I too have Garrett's things and pictures over the house.  I am looking at a metal snail he make me out of a fork.  it is the cutest damned thing.  It sits on my desk and it comforts me because he made it.  I wear three of the bracelets he made.... it was relaxing for him they are made from different colors of paracord.  I am lost without them.  it makes me feel like hes kind of holding my hand.  I know some would think that's pathetic but I just don't care.   I have to do what is right for Garrett and what helps me.  I am rambling this morning in this life I don't recognize or want.....  I know we all have those feelings.... It is a unsettling and disheartening realization to feel the skewed, off kilter sensation our lives now have, knowing we have no chance of making it right again.  I love and miss my precious Garrett....

Love and hugs to all

Jackie....

[Michael Rodriguez]

On 7/31/2022 at 6:31 AM, Changed said:

 I hope that everyone is able to get some rest today - but I know that for some their Sundays are even harder -  love and understanding to you x

How are you Jackie ?  I have been thinking about you.

Michael, will your wife be making the bust of B herself ?   If so , it will be made with love .  
I only have one small framed photograph - placed by my side in the sitting room - of David and my mother both laughing - I remember the moment it was taken and I casually look at it throughout my day but there are no other photographs on display in the reception rooms just loads of artwork collected on our travels.  Our study, however, is full of framed photographs - graduations, holidays , childhoods -  the lot , but they are personal and private and I keep items the children made when they were little there too.     This feels right for me but we are all so different aren’t we  - the fact that I have Dave’s belongings dotted about the house helps me but others ( without loss) may think it odd  - so what?  I’ll take comfort where I can .

We we’re watching a movie last night and everything about it transported me back to a time when my family was whole with no thoughts of what was to come - I wanted so much to be back there living my life without this heavy sadness .   I miss David so much .   It’s been so long. 
Roz 

no...she is not. she is paying somebody that will make the sculpture. she only paints ......the armoire that we has his his urn is  full of his stuff ....car keys ,sun glasses, caps even some shirts that he enjoyed wearing .....the armoire is in our dinning room and first thing i do , before i leave for work , is put on the lights and go kiss the urn and remind him how much i love him

[NiquesMom]

I am so empty. 

I saw 2 dragonflies today and wondered if it was Nique and Christopher.

I have this week off and Kyle and i are having a stay-cation. Really weird, whenever I have vacation time I like to go somewhere but I just didn't think I was up to it. Trying to take him to do something fun each day. But it is all just empty. I wish I was at work because it would distract me. Feel like I am failing kyle. I know I am not but I feel like I am.

I know this will all pass but last time I had Christopher to help me. Feel so alone.

[Changed]

Dear Virginia,  that isn’t a nice feeling - that empty space.   You are doing all you can do at the moment - focusing on Kyle and trying to make him happy.  
 Is there lots of things to do around where you live ?  I’m imagining there is being a holiday state and all.    
 There is not a lot I can say that will be of any help to you -  it is all so bloody unfair and horrid.   
I’ve written and then deleted some lame words of encouragement but I hope you can mentally take those dragonflies, knowing that they are Nique and Christopher, along with you on your outings this week and feel their strength, love and support.   .

Love,   Roz

Virginia, the quote you have always had at the bottom of your posts - do you know where it is from ? It is so moving and true.

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia I have read that dragonflies are often believed to be messengers. I like to think they were there to lift your spirits. I find work helps me too. 

Roz, I always find your words comforting. 

 

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia, the emptiness is one of the worst emotions we must endure. I am so sorry you are in such pain.  I do not believe in coincidence and believe that Nique and Christopher were reaching out..  i am here, we all are.  I think of you and Kyle often.  Love and hugs to you both..

Roz, Carol and Virginia, your words always comfort me.

[Michael Rodriguez]

yesterday i happen to open a sort of garage door , opened it and closed it.....and right there a dragonfly , i noticed it since it had been so long since ive seen one ....and it was there, right next to the handle....and it never moved , not when i opened it or i closed it ....had been forever since i had seen one ....and here we are seeing dragonfly all over the place....miss a huge ,real tight bear hug from brian !!!!!!

[Mason’s Mom]

What does it mean when a dragonfly comes around you?

If you come across a dragonfly in life, it can serve as a reminder to live life to the fullest and appreciate every moment. Dragonflies can also symbolize that you're ready for a change in your life, and they can be a great initiative to get started.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael, the fact that the dragonfly never moved.... that is contrary to its nature.   that is the thing that stands out to me most when I talk about the birds or you and Virginia talk about the dragonflies.   it is the behavior contrary to nature or when the pain and desperation that we feel  is overwhelming and suddenly there they are staring at us and they've never been there before or so close before or just staring when they should be flying away.   I do believe our loved ones are close and talking to us.   I also think, just my opinion, we need to open ourselves to the new way of speaking and hearing.  At times i can feel Garrett, and it is bittersweet because I want to hug him so close and never let go and I cannot.  There were times i thought I had finally just given in and lost my mind but I open my eyes and the damned bird or birds are still sitting too close just staring and waiting.   I am not crazy and I know that, Garrett is close and he is 'talking" to me.  We need to listen closely and pay attention and to hell with what anyone else says who has not experienced our loss.  I know in my heart Garrett is close.... I believe all of our loved ones are.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Dustins Mom]

Hi Jackie - I love to read about your birds. I had a woodpecker show up a few years ago in my Joshua tree. Had NEVER seen one here in the desert where I live before. My late husband’s name was Woody, so you can imagine my delight when he appears and I hear the click click click! 
My Dad I associate with the large yellow and black tiger swallowtail butterflies and for the first time since my son died I had two of them flitting about me in the garden. And later a large orange dragonfly stopped and landed on top of one of my trellises. And don’t get me started on the hummingbirds! They do the same thing. Not sure how I’d be coping without my garden sanctuary. Peace and love to you 💜

[Jacqueline3]

Dear Dustins Mom,  (Love, what is your first name.)   I would be lost without my birds, they come to me at my most desperate.   I have a large red tailed hawk that keeps appearing and sits on fences as I pass by, sits in the trees beyond my bird feeder tree or circles the house, very low for a hawk, three times, never more never less ( 3 is my favorite number, I have three beautiful children and when I sew home decor, I always do it in sets of three, I arrange things in sets of three.).  I don't think every bird is Garrett but there are ones that are peculiar and the behavior strange.   that is my boy, I can feel it.   I am lost and miserable without those birds.  They keep me sane in all this ugly sorrow...

Love and Hugs,

Jackie

[Dustins Mom]

Hi Jackie - thank you for asking. My name is Angie. And I actually have 2 red tail hawk feathers tattooed on my arm (along with the 4 directions and my sun sign of Libra ♎️ ) It’s my only tattoo. I’ve also felt a deep connection to them but their sightings are rare these days. But I always take them as a good omen, the sign of a good day. We also have ravens here and we’ve befriended a few who like to eat crackers and peanuts within a few feet of us. So fun to share these fun moments with someone who gets it! 

[Michael Rodriguez]

at home we have two balconies, one in the front and one in the back....2 of our cats have never wanted to live inside the house....so they always have food and water in the balcony......so we have quite a bit of birds that constantly come and eat the cat food .....and i know what im about to say is cruel.....but right smack in the middle of our garden we have a palm family tree  which is quite large, but it is not that close to the balcony....well , one of our inside cats decided that she wanted to go catch one of the birds that was in the sort of palm tree......she jumped , guess what ....didnt make it all the way to the palm tree ...right smack in the middle of her flying trip gravity decided she had gone far enough.....poor thing , i dont know how she survived , but it was funny!!!! 

[Mason’s Mom]

Ju

[Mason’s Mom]

Just walked out to get my mail and couldn't believe it I saw a very small teal colored dragonfly. Teal was one of Mason's favorite colors. Took a picture but it wouldn't download because the file is too large. Our children are certainly trying to comfort us. Christopher too.

[Jacqueline3]

I truly believe our children and loved ones are close, Carol.   I cannot explain the certainty I feel but I have no doubts...... Michael, you have a way of making me laugh, first the vapor rub and now your flying cat.... Thank you.   I needed that today.   Angie, I am so absentminded and scatterbrained these days.  I recognized your name, you told us before but thank you for not awarding me the dunce cap.

Love and hugs to all

Jackie

[Dustins Mom]

8 hours ago, Mason’s Mom said:

Just walked out to get my mail and couldn't believe it I saw a very small teal colored dragonfly. Teal was one of Mason's favorite colors. Took a picture but it wouldn't download because the file is too large. Our children are certainly trying to comfort us. Christopher too.

I believe that’s a damselfly! They’re so pretty and more delicate than your typical dragonfly! I haven’t seen one in ages. Lucky you! 💙💙

[Lisa M.]

I have been afraid of birds my whole life.   Not just a little afraid,  but downright fearful.  I smile when you all talk about your birds and how they comfort you.  I know if one comes around me it is NOT Don. 🤪  He  would always warn me if he saw a bird in our path before I saw it.  I haven't had anything that I think is him yet.   I am patiently waiting.  I so enjoy reading all your posts.  Thank you all for being here when I need you. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Lisa,  It is good to hear from you.   I am just speaking from my own beliefs and I hope I am not sounding like an arrogant know-it-all.... Not my intention.

I think Don's "words" may not necessarily be a living creature.  I think we can "talk" through so many means but I think it is definitely part of our children's personality and mannerisms.   Music, food, Just being in a different place at the right time to see a road sign... Don sounds like such a wonderful young man, very protective... perhaps birds move out of your way quickly or you see them when you would not have noticed them before.... I don't think Don has stopped watching the birds for you.   It is just my beliefs but I know that loneliness and despair,  I am glad to hear from you.  Again, just what I believe.

love and hugs,

Jackie
 

[Michael Rodriguez]

well, im glad i can make you laugh!!! and i agree with you , that some days you just feel their presence and it is an un natural feeling .......i get this feeling that my whole body senses B around and i get to be more relaxed ....i can not explain it , but sometimes the feeling is there 

[Dustins Mom]

@Jacqueline3 I was just staring out my back window at my garden full of flowers and squash and tomatoes and other pretties and noticed I needed to refill the bird feeder in the middle of the garden that has pole green beans growing up it. And then it hit me!! This is the same bird feeder I’d asked Dustin to buy for me for Mother’s Day, the day before he passed 3 short months ago. He was working long hours and I knew he hadn’t had time to go out and buy me something so I was trying to make life a tiny bit easier for him. So now I have this bird feeder as a forever reminder (as if I needed one in the first place). But I just hadn’t connected the dots yet. I thought you might enjoy my story. Much peace and love to you today. 🙏🏼❤️

[Michael Rodriguez]

of course we love your story !!!!! that is why we all share stories. much of the stuff i write here i would not dare to mention to other people

[Jacqueline3]

  What a beautiful story Angie and a beautiful vision of love!   I love your story!

love and Hugs

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

Lisa, my dad was terrified of chickens. He was such a big man and so strong but a chicken would have him running. I bet Don keeps your life paths bird free. 

I find it amazing how we come together as strangers and now I think about you guys all the time. 

I truly hope we can all find peace and comfort,  that is what I want so much. 

Carol

[Michael Rodriguez]

when days go by and nobody post ..... i feel lonely and like something is missing. hearing from you guys makes me feel closer to B as we share that common bond

[Jacqueline3]

The rollercoaster zipped rapidly downward again this morning and I am in a damned horrible state.   I do not know this life or how to live it. and I fucking do not want to do this without Garrett... It will soon be a year... How have I survived this hellish year without my precious Garrett?   I  have been overwhelmed with pain and saddness today and I just want to roll up in a ball.... I did take the extra pill the doctors gave me but that always feels like I'm trying to cheat Garrett by numbing the pain.  I know it sounds stupid but it always feels wrong to me....   How do I live this life I had planned to share with my three babies and my husband?  I have to leave for work soon and all I want to do is lay and cry....

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

I stare at this photo and know that if this 9 year Old can still find joy, so can I. 

[Dustins Mom]

Oh sweet Jackie - I definitely feel your pain. After losing my husband 10 years ago and losing my Dustin 3 months ago, I feel I can share with you I recently joined the David Kessler Training site. He is highly qualified in the subject of loss and grief. So in addition to having a chat area for different types of loss, he conducts weekly trainings and 4x weekly Zoom sessions for his members. I’ve only been there for about 3 weeks but have already gained a tremendous amount of help and tools to use. I wish I would’ve had this after my husband died. It would’ve made the journey a little easier. You can just go to Davidkesslertraining.com to see his introductory video and decide if you like what he has to say. But I would highly recommend it to anyone seeking additional help.
Sending you ❤️❤️
Angie