Loss of an Adult Child

[Jacqueline3]

that is a wonderful story about B, Michael.   He was a extraordinary young man.   I know how much you love and miss him, it is in every word you write.  

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

I am thinking of everyone this weekend, hoping you are finding some comfort.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Everyone is very quiet.  I am hoping everyone is okay.

Thinking of you,

Jackie

 

[Robert C.]

I'm just worn out. I believe the continued grief has just beaten me down. No energy to do a thing. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Robert, I know how you feel, my heart and soul are shattered.  I am thinking of you...

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

i was wondering the same , it had been to quiet....i hope everyone is ok

[Jacqueline3]

Morning Michael, it is good to hear from you.  I have been worried about everyone.

Love and hugs,

jackie

 

[Ramona66]

Hi all

 

Robert. I think we can all relate. It has only been 4 months for me but I am just physically, mentally and emotionally drained. It takes all my effort just to get out of bed in the  morning and especially having to come to work. I have no motivation to do anything anymore. I know my daughter would not want this for me but as a parent - as you all know so well - it is just impossible to get past this. 

 

I pray for all of us!!! God Bless

[Mason’s Mom]

I have been busy with the tournament that funds the scholarship and getting the scholarship recipients selected. I am mentally,  emotionally and physically exhausted. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

20 minutes ago, Mason’s Mom said:

I have been busy with the tournament that funds the scholarship and getting the scholarship recipients selected. I am mentally,  emotionally and physically exhausted. 

but it will accomplish a lot and it is good deed in the name of a great kid

[NiquesMom]

I am exhausted. Fighting with insurance for Christopher to get the care he needs. Today is his birthday and they are moving him to skilled nursing for the next 2 months, and then hopefully he will be home.

May is always hard. It used to be the busiest month because everyone has a birthday in may, including Nique. My husband, then my son, then Nique. Its so hard planning to celebrate knowing I would have also been planning Nique birthday. Her party always fell memorial day weekend.

I know she is watching and helping me, but I really want her here. 4 abd a half years, cant believe its. 4th birthday she hasnt been with me.

I am just worn out.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Virginia, I am thinking of you.  I had the realization that it had been 8 months since I've hugged and seen my Garrett and I haven't been able to stem the tears and disbelief since.  I hope you can get the insurance straightened out.  I had that with my daughter when she was in the ICU.   It is terrible to deal with these strangers who don't seem to care.  I will be praying that Christopher is hope in two months. Jolene is out of the hospital and she is slowly getting better but it is an uphill climb.  I am thinking of you, wish I could do more for you, myself and everyone on this feed.   I feel like I am living in hell

Thinking of you all,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

virginia , it must be exhausting ......dealing with christopher´s recovery and dealing with insurance. i , have given up on bday and holidays, they can come and go and i dont care. instead of waiting for sunday to go to the cemetery for mother´s day, my sister and i decided to go yesterday and we had a 3 way conversation with my other sister who is in atlanta right now.....well i really let it out crying , they still see me as their baby brother as i am the youngest of all my siblings. i felt relieved because i know both love me and B so much ,,,,,so it was a good cry, a  ¨"make you feel good cry" after it. 

[Lisa M.]

May is hard for me now too.  This will be the first mother's day without my son.  Last mother's day was the last time I got to speak to my son.  He went into a coma the next day.  He passed away 3 days later.  I picked up his ashes 6 days later on my birthday.   May 12th  and the 18th will forever be different for me.   I am so sad these days.   I pretty stay to myself because it doesn't take much for me to have a meltdown these days.   Thank you all for being here.   My heart goes out to all of you.

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  I am sorry you are dealing with insurance but I really hope in 2 months Christopher will be home.  So good for you and Kyle. 

Jackie and Lisa mother's day does strike us in the heart. I try remember I am and will always be his Mom. That never changes. Seems like May is pretty difficult for many of us.

Michael I agree a good cry is cleansing holding it all in makes me physically sick. 

Robert,  the tiredness is unrelenting. Sleep is such a vital part of healing but for me I struggle to sleep.  I feel I never completely relax, I think I am afraid to relax. I crave sleep but I know when I wake it hits me,  I lost my SON. He will never come home,  never see his smile, be enveloped his  hugs. It just doesn't get any more raw than that. 

Roz, I think about you. Hope you are maintaining. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

[Michael Rodriguez]

just wanted to say good morning to all !!!!! i was thinking about you guys last nite before i went to bed........honestly, you guys hold me together. if it wasnt for all of you i would be in total shambles .....thanks !!!!!

[Jacqueline3]

Morning Everyone,  Hope everyone is holding at least together. Thank you Michael for the kindness upon starting a new day in the hellish nightmare.

Lisa, this month has to be so difficult for you.  I am so sorry.  Hold on to us, yet even in doing so I know it is a personal hell.we all have to go through.  Please hold on to us.  We are here if you feel like you are too isolated.  Garrett passed on my birthday... even writing this sentence has sent tears streaming down my face. I understand the pain of what used to be a happy day.    How can this be?  I so miss my son1

Robert and Ramona, I think of you and feel you struggle to do anything.  I wish I had an answer for all of us...

Carol I hope all is going well with the tournament and you are holding up during this busy but difficult time.

Roz, Think of you often, I hope you are doing okay...

Virginia, how is Christoper doing?  I hope all is improving and you are holding up under the stress

Judith,please talk to me... How are you doing?.  I think about you often.

I think of everyone on this site, many times during the day.  You are my lifeline to sanity and breathable air..  there are moments of every damned day they are hard things to find

Love and hugs to all

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

I have been watching a TV show called The Fosters. In it the pair of siblings mom died and they are adopted by a couple. The girl always wears her moms necklace. One day she takes it off and says " I don't need to wear my grief around my neck anymore."

This struck me. I have a locket made when Nique died, it has her fingerprint in it. I wear it everyday, no other necklaces. I hold it, touch it all day, click it open and closed, its like a safety blanket. Am I wearing my grief around my neck? I feel naked if I ever forget it. Its been 4.5 years, should I try to not wear it? I know its not like I am saying I am better or that I stopped missing her. Is it more habit?

 

[Robert C.]

Good evening to everyone, I hope and pray each day for all of us and our families that we might find some peace and joy in something. 

We attended a funeral for our neighbors brother who passed away from complications of dementia yesterday. It took a lot out of us to be there, just going back into a funeral home! They are super neighbors we have been fortunate to have for the past 17 years. 

It brought about a tiny amount peace to see the celebration of his life, he was a Navy veteran who served at the end of WWII.  To top it off they brought over some food to our house this evening. 

I guess what I'm thinking right now is even in grief there is kindness a love. Have a good evening and take care of yourselves. 

[Jacqueline3]

Virginia, i read your message and I am so upset with these TV shows and stupid people telling us what we need!  You are not wearing your grief around your neck!  You are wearing your love for Nique around your neck!   The choice is always yours but I do not think you should take your necklace off.  Wear the necklace you had made for Nique and accept the comfort that it brings you.  I am wearing a woven bracelet my Garrett made for me and I have not taken it off, nor do I plan to  Somehow I think Garrett knows I am wearing it and it means so much to me.    I also have plans to have my favorite picture Garrett drew of himself tattooed onto my left collarbone area, close to my heart.   You deserve what comfort you can find and I think Nique knows you wear that lovely necklace for her and that is all that matters. 

Robert, I am thinking of you.  I keep reminding myself that my unending love for Garrett is what makes this pain so damned unbearable.  And even if for only 22 years I was given to hold him tight he blessed my life and my soul forever.  I am looking forward to the day, I can hold him close again.

love and hugs,

Jackie

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

virginia i agree 100 % with jackie , that is a tv show not reality ........it is not a habit , it is a piece of nique ......you are not wearing your grief in that locket , you are wearing your grief in that heart that has been broken, stomped on it, tore to 1000 little pieces.....in my own opinion , this is mike´s opinion, that locket helps you mend all those scattered pieces that once was a whole heart full of love for all your kids , which now ,although broken tends to hold on more to the one that was taken away from us. to the one that is not here to talk too, to hold , to kiss , to just hear a "morning dad"......so,if it was me,i would just keep the locket right where it has been 

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia, isn't it strange how we see or hear something and it makes us question ourselves. I believe we all carry our grief physically and metaphorically. If it brings you comfort like a blanket why stop wearing it.

 

[Changed]

Sticking my head above ground.  I’ve been in a very dark place - went into reverse for a while there -  I know that’s normal .  Each time not quite as bad as the last and not as bad as all of my friends here     will be dealing with every day, I’m sure.    I feel shattered and wasn’t sure if I was actually ill .  This tsunami of grief was so physical.   On we go .  Roz

[Changed]

Virginia,  beautiful photo of your Nique -  she looks so happy and really shines.

I read your post about your locket and can only agree with  everyone else that wearing it you are carrying your love for Nique not your grief .  Our grief is a reflection of our tremendous love for our children and it  is unavoidable but it does not  define us or our lost child.  
Like Jackie, I also have a bracelet that my David bought me in happier times.   I always wear it but my biggest fear is that I will lose it - I’d be beside myself if I did.  I’m always checking it’s still there - I did the same when he was alive but it would be so much worse if it happened now.    It has taken on a huge significance in my life.  
When we lived in Hong Kong I had a bangle stolen by an old Chinese man - it was an antique Victorian solid gold bangle - not of sentimental value but expensive .  Anyway , I was on a tram and this smartly dressed old man sat next to me and started to chat - he leant forward to hear and was patting my hand as he talked.  He got off the tram and so did my bangle !   He was very good at it and apparently was notorious for it - he had an accomplice that he would give the watch/ring/bracelet to so he was never found in possession.  
  Given that experience I am careful with David’s bracelet but I want to wear it ( it’s a gold link) . I have made it as secure as I can .  I can’t think of anything else I can do.  Maybe , you could have a little cast taken off it of Nique’s print that could be safely kept? 
How is Christopher doing?   Having him home is an amazing goal to work towards.  Love Roz

[Jacqueline3]

My dearest Roz, I have been thinking of you.  I was worried. Do not qualify your pain, no matter how long or short our losses are, the pain and love for our children is still raw and the center of our broken hearts.  I know, while each of us may differ in our handling or situations, in truth we are all in the same horrific boat searching for a life line to get us through the day.  I have a feeling those backsliding tsunamis are now a permanent part of our lives.   I am still trying not to sink on a minute by minute basis... I am glad to hear from you Roz, you reached out to me in a moment I did not think I could live one more...

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Robert C.]

Roz, we found ourselves in that horrible backside on April 24, 6th month anniversary. I don't sleep any more at night, I try to do anything I can to keep my mind from rushing back to Patrick last days. It's killing me, I cat nap all day long then am wide awake till 6 in the morning. I used to be able to get to bed around 1:30....not any more. It's worn my mind and body down tremendously. I don't know how to stop it. Seems the harder I try the later I'm awake. 

I hope and pray each night and day that all of us find peace. 

[Judith fay]

 Jackie,

I have had   a bad couple of weeks  . Today  is terrible on the day 15 years ago I lost  my mom suddenly and I just found out my Aunt died earlier today and my Nephew  who is 17 tried to kill himself. I feel like I am  hanging on by a thread.  Just dont know if  I can make it through  this never ending nightmare.

 

Mom of Christina

 

[Changed]

Judith Fay,  whatever next?  It is an awful lot  to process, almost too much in fact.    Trying to make sense of everything must be wearing you out. Don’t expect too much of yourself - there will be obvious priorities on top of your grief but everything else will have to be dealt with when you are able . Take care, Roz

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Judith, I am so happy to hear from you... I have been worried.  I am so sorry to hear of your Mum, Aunt and your nephew. How is your nephew?  I can understand those feelings.   I feel like the cartoon cat most of the time, fur standing on end hanging from the ceiling by just my fingernails.   I still scream and rage at the heavens only to fall on the ground and sob uncontrollably.   I am so torn up, I have trouble doing anything.  I force myself to do just about everything.    I wish I had words to help but know I am here for you... 

Love and hugs.

jackie

[Judith fay]

Jackie,

My nephew  is doing better he is getting the help he needs now.

How are you doing? 

I know mothers  day is here again and i am just thinking of everyone on here. I am glad we all  have each other. Thank you for checking on me and listening.  I am here for you too.

Mom of Christina and Dasha

[Judith fay]

Roz,

I feel like things are getting piled on top of me. I have lost faith in just about everything.

I dont know how much more i can handle.

How have you been doing?

Mom of Christina and Dasha

[Robert C.]

This is our fist mother's day without our son. Our daughter wanted to stay with us but my wife told her she needed to be with her husband because we were not going to be doing any mothers day celebration. We are hoping for a quiet Sunday with no calls or anyone dropping by. No one knows what to say to us anyway so they just sit and babbel. They feel uncomfortable even mentioning Patrick's name. It's hard to explain but he's still alive and well in my heart but not physically here with us. 

Praying for all of us, take care of yourselves over the weekend.

[Changed]

Robert - they are indeed still with us - just not in a physical form .  
The days like Mother’s or Father’s Day are arbitrary dates - I’ve lived all over the world and they have fallen on different dates - unlike Christmas and our children’s personal dates.  None of it is easy .  
When David died I remember in my daze endlessly asking ‘where is he then?’  I couldn’t get my head around not knowing where he was.  He had travelled the world and I would be holding my breath waiting for word that he was ok and where exactly he was and if he was safe.   I ridiculously googled like mad looking for answers - it came down to beliefs or religions.    Some seemed more comforting and I tried to embrace those but I eventually found scientific information about what actually happens to our bodies after death and our energy still carrying on.  Strangely, that did help and left me to concentrate on what else there was to us and where that goes after death.   I don’t believe that my son and people I love and have gone before me can have disappeared- just their physical bodies.  There is something much more important about us all that continues forevermore and our lost children are all safe , without pain or trouble , waiting for us when we have completed our lives.  
We will still grieve and long for them to be here with us as we expected them to be and that is something we all share - it doesn’t stop but will become woven into our being - we will learn to live with it as impossible as that may seem right now.

Not being able to get solid sleep is a problem - I think Carol still suffers from that .   It is still very early days and you are obviously devastated .  We are always emotionally and mentally whacked and trying to switch that off so we can sleep is tricky.    
 

I hope you get a quiet day today.   Roz

[NiquesMom]

Robert, when Nique first died all I did was sleep. After a few months I started not being able to sleep. I did that for about 6 months. Finally started melatonin and that helps enough most days. Still there will be days where I wake at 2 and cant go back to sleep, but its better than it was.

 

I honestly hate today. I know u wont judge me but I am so angry at everyone having a good day today. I miss my mom, I miss my daughter, I miss my life.

Roz, I am sorry about the tidal wave that hit you. I feel like I am drowning right now. I think we all need a life preserver. Hang on

[NiquesMom]

Judith, I am so sorry. To have loss piled on top makes it even harder to breathe. Praying for you and your family, your nephew.

Jackie, I scream in my pillow to release some of the hurt and anger at the unfairness of life

[Jacqueline3]

Hello to everyone... I have been sobbing and screaming but mostly sobbing today.  I miss my Garrett and he always brought me a bouquet of flowers on mothers day.   He had the worst taste in flowers but I loved those damned bouquets so much/  I too Virginia and angry and feel hateful for everyone celebrating with all their children.   I am even having trouble with my beautiful birds... a flock of catbirds and bluejays have taken over my feeding area and all my other birds have fled, my little chickadees and my woodpeckers and my cardinals.  I have been sobbing and trying to figure out how to get these aggressive hogs under control..  I am so broken and so at a loss today.

  I have been thinking of all of you...

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[BradleyGabriel34]

My son, Taylor, was killed in a motorcycle accident just Wednesday morning.  We had his funeral yesterday and it was the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life.  I was lucky as we had 30 great years with him, but the pain of losing my son is more than I can deal with right now.  I think of him every second of the day and still haven't come to the realization he is gone.  I'm not looking for sympathy, just looking at the best way to deal with a nightmare like this.  I'm open to any type of dialogue on how to cope with this tragic loss of life.  Thanks in advance.   

[NiquesMom]

Bradley, I am so sorry about your son. I lost my daughter 4.5 years ago in a car accident. 

All I can say is to let yourself feel the feelings. Its going to be raw and painful, people will say insensitive things to you trying to help but if they havent lost a child they just dont understand. For me I thought if I got thru the first year it would get better. In ways it has because I dont cry everyday anymore. But it will hit you out of nowhere, the disbelief that they are gone and this is your life now.

Just remember you arent alone, what you are feeling is pretty normal based on what everyone here says. I just tired to take it minute by minute, couldnt look too far ahead.

You dont have my sympathy, you have my love for you and your family because we have been where you are, and just know there is eventually going to be a light at the end of this very long dark tunnel.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Bradley, I am so very sorry for the loss of your son, Taylor.  My name is Jackie  I lost my 22 year old son 8 months ago on my birthday, from an undiagnosed liver condition.  It was very sudden.  We go minute by minute, some ok, some horrible. I still cry every day, multiple times a day and scream my rage to the heavens.  It is a very long road we are now all on, and there is no end to this tragic change in our lives.  We are all grappling still to find a way to walk still holding our child's hand.  People are insensitive and unthinkingly cruel in the things they will say and do because they have no idea of the shattered hearts we are barely holding on to.   We feel your pain, live it every day.   Try not to look to far ahead at the moment, but more how do I make it through the next minute, the next hour.  Again , I am so sorry for your loss,  We are here for you, lean on us.... we all lean on one another....

Love and hugs,

Jackie

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

bradley, as i always do , my name is michael and i lost my son to surgery complications almost 13 months ago....it is not going to be easy. my brian(B) was your sons age. he was to turn 30 on june 19 this year. we used to work together and he still lived at home , so you know how much it has destroyed my life. i have been religious but not a fanatic, i have tried to get closer to God and just ask him to take care of B .....that is what we have left , that faith that some day we will join them , we have to hold on to it 

[Lisa M.]

Bradley  I too am sorry for your loss.   I lost my son on May 12th  of last year.  The anniversary date is Thursday next week.  I can honestly say that some days feel worse, but you do everything you can to get through each day.   Some days are better than others but some I just have huge meltdowns.   Sometimes they come out of nowhere and surprise even me.  For the past 6 months I have been reliving every last moment I spent with him.  Every conversation, every action.   You have come to the right place.   Everyone here is very supportive and knows exactly how it feels.  Even if you don't post daily, I urge you to come read.  Some days, this group is the only thing that gets me through the day.  You can vent, cry, or just pour your heart out.  This is a no judgment zone.  We are all here for you.

 

 

[Judith fay]

Bradley,So sorry gor your loss. I lost my Christina who was 33 July23,2020. 

We are all here for each other. Feel free to talk ..vent whatever you need

Mom of Christina

[Jacqueline3]

Evening to all, I hope everyone is finding even a small measure of comfort this evening..   I have been an anxious mess all day, crying and silent and the cycle goes on.  Lisa I have been thinking of you, I know your one year is just days away.   I am here for you.  Judith how have you been?  Bradley, you are on my mind, I remember those first few days being a surreal, agonizing nightmare.  We are here for you

Love and hugs to all,

Jackie...

 

I did read something this even guys, and I sent it to my Mum, whom I know means well but always says the most terrible things trying to help...  It made me feel a little comforted...

https://getpocket.com/explore/item/the-radical-act-of-letting-things-hurt-how-not-to-help-a-friend-in-sorrow?utm_source=pocket-newtab

Thinking of you all,

Jackie

[Robert C.]

Bradley, we lost our son to brain cancer 6 months ago and I never thought I would last this long after he passed away. I felt like I was about to die.  Grief, anger, guilt over everything that happened in his 4 year cancer battle. 

If you can stay out of the rabbit hole of grief and everything our group has mentioned to can find a minute or so of peace. 

Just your reaching out is a huge step. Everyone here is happy to offer support. Reaching out was the hardest part for me. I actually believed if I could stay strong I would be able to handle the pain of loss. It doesn't work. You just end up hating everything and everyone who hasn't suffered this kind of loss and pain. 

I never even thought I could write this much and open up to folks I never knew, but we all share one thing in common, the loss of our adult child. 

[BradleyGabriel34]

Thanks to each of you for sharing your insight.  Your words of encouragement and your stories def hit home.  Today, I was able to get out a little.  I visited my sons gravesite and was able to talk just me and him.  Today started out what I thought was ok but as the day kept going I started to feel guilty about even trying to have a normal day.  Then the thought of what he saw or went through entered my head and took me back to feeling hopeless again.  I pray for each of you that shared your story as now I can say I know what you are going through.   Thank you all for your support as I see now and each day I will need help.   I think I’m struggling more with the pictures, videos more than anything.  I love those memories but not sure I can handle them on a daily basis right now.   Is that bad?   I changed my phone to his picture on Friday but have had to change it back ti something else because each time I pick my phone up it is a constant reminder of the pain.   IDK if that is normal or even right way ti think.   I miss my son.   Thanks to each of you.    This is a great place for comfort.   Thanks 

[Robert C.]

It's all done in tiny steps. My wife still won't go into my son's old room at the house because of the flood of memories. Take it slow and remember this group is here, you can vent your feelings, no one is going to judge. It boils down to what you need to make it through the next day or hour. 

Don't try to rush the process of grieving. Go slow and be nice to yourself and others who share this pain. 

[NiquesMom]

Its ok for it to hurt to see his face even though all you want is to see his face. Double edged sword. 

I know what you mean about what he saw or went through. My daughter was a pedestrian, hit by two cars feet away from where we lived. I was inside and didnt know she had died. I still wish I had somehow known what was going on down the street but I assume she didnt want me there.

In the weeks after her death i met all the witnesses, the people that tried to save her life. It hurt, oh did it hurt! I thought it would give me closure but it didnt really helped.

I wont tell you to try to focus on the good, what I will say is that eventually you will be able to look at the pictures and not cry most of the time. You will be able to watch the videos and not turn into a sobbing wreck most of the time. 

We hurt because we love, and the love doesnt go away.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Bradly, everything you are going through is very normal.   Each of us have experienced it at different times.   I could go into Garrett's room right after, now I cannot, when he is not in his chair, I know he never will be again... I cannot handle that now, it is eight months out.   Although we all share the same emotions and feelings, they hit each of us in our own way in our own time, grief is very personal and very demanding.   It, like love, comes in its own skin and time for each of us.  There is no right way or wrong way, it rather rules the roust.   That being said, take your time and allow yourself the feelings that go hand in hand with your pain,. If pictures are too painful right now give yourself time, they will not always be so.    I try to remind myself that this horrific pain that I feel is the flip side of the great and unending love I have for Garrett, I could not have it, it the latter were not true....I hate that any of us are here but we lean on and help one another... Thinking of you and your family,

love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

Bradley, my name is Carol and I lost my 21 year old son Mason December 17th, 2017 so 4 1/2 years ago. We do understand your feelings and your pain.  I see that others have said take it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day.  There is so much I block out of my mind from the first few weeks the pain was just to intense and I fight myself to stay out of the darkness of those days. I read about the stages of grief and kept thinking I must have gotten stuck because I don't feel like I went through the steps.  We all grieve in our own way and own time. Just like Virginia I thought if I make it through the first year things will certainly get better. Our feelings are not on a timer and there is no magic date that changes us.  I still have some pretty bad days but I have learned to focus the grief and try to find the new me.  None of us will ever return to our former selves.  Mason was a very kind hearted young man and we have heard so many stories of how he helped others that we try focus on continuing that is his name.  I didn't take down any pictures that were on display at home or at my desk I just couldn't do that because I would see the empty spot and know it was missing.  I have not been able to watch videos of him and it has been 4 1/2 years.  I have his phone voice mail recorded and I do listen from time to time but just not ready for video. 

Remember to breathe, take a few deep breathes.  I remember a friend telling me to do this and when I did I realized I had been taking shallow breaths because the physical pain of breathing was difficult. 

Peace and comfort,

Carol

 

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

good morning , i have nothing to say !!! everybody has said exactly what we all go thru .....just take it one tiny step at a time .....my wife grieves sdo much different than io do ....i have reached out to all of you guys ( wont go to a therapist) my wife keeps it all bottled in , i have also  reached out to a priest and has helped me a lot, try to keep busy at work and i write to him!!

i write to B , not as often as i did back in may last year , but it helps ,,,,,tell him how much you love him, how much you miss him but i never make him feel any guilt for leaving us ....tell him about your day , about his pets about everything , about his kids , have a conversation with him .....you will shed tears, a whole lot of them , but they will be cleansing tears .....you feel better after you wiped them off....at least they help me and feel a bit closer to him .......i know it is all yibberish   and no one will ever read it  but you......but sometimes i think in my writting i am abkle to express  y feelings to B better than just talking to him.....just as we do here