Loss of an Adult Child

[NiquesMom]

My husband tried to stand

[Changed]

Christopher looks so good , Virginia.   I’m surprised how fresh he’s looking after such a long illness.   Has he lost a lot of muscle mass whilst he has been bed bound?   It will come back again but ,of course , it will take immense effort just when he is at his weakest.   Little by little.    Good to see him standing though -  it feels as if he is one of our family here in this group.   Wishing him well.      Roz x

 

[NiquesMom]

Thanks roz. He has lost all his muscles. He weighed 230 going in, I think he is about 165 now. Never seen him this thin

[Changed]

Blimey, that’s a lot to drop .  Are you able to let your guard down a bit now?   

[Changed]

The weeks fly past .  I feel rather dull and disinterested in everything .  Had a sobbing mess of a time on Friday out in public.  I was watching the sea one minute then I’d lost it.      I usually recognise that I’m going too deep and can gather myself in time.     I miss my son so much .    In the main , the longing and hurt I keep to myself these days.   It really is like no other loss .    
I hope you are all managing .     Roz x 

Carol,  how are the plans going for Mason’s tournament?  - it must take so much effort but for such a fantastic cause.. 

[Jacqueline3]

Hello to all this evening,  Virginia, i am happy that Christopher is standing.  It sounds like he has been through so very much.  I am wishing him well and you and Kyle as well.   I hope everyone is finding some form of comfort this weekend.  It has been a struggle this weekend but then every day is an up hill climb with no sense of victory to make it to the finish line.  I ache to hug Garrett close and never let go.  Thinking of you all.

Jackie

[Changed]

Didi,   That is sweet that you see that others are visiting Nicole’s grave .  We scattered David’s ashes into the sea on a rough day in Australia - the kind of day he loved - and I imagine him floating home to me in England . It fitted with what he was like. 
I’m glad your sessions are helping you and you have a good relationship with your daughter’s husband - it will be hugely uplifting to be with her boys and such a help to their dad.   Roz x

[Changed]

Jackie,   I find myself going back to a time that all was the best it was ever going to be in my life - and reliving it for a moment or two .  Not in a delusional way  but just for a break from  harsh reality .     It’s just nice to remember our family in tact. 
How is work going?  Do you feel any better about going now the initial strangeness has passed?  Have a decent day tomorrow - I hope it’s easier for you. Roz x

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  love to see the pictures. Muscle can rebuild and I think he is trying and sometimes that is the important thing we can do.

Jackie,  I saw the most beautiful birds in my yard today. Indigo bunting. I thought about you and Garrett. It is amazing how such a small thing can bring about thoughts of others.  Just think because you mentioned birds I think about you and Garrett. 

Roz, we are wrapping up the final details and hope the Weather cooperates. It has been a cold Wet spring and there are storms in the forecast for tonight. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

[Jacqueline3]

Roz, I am struggling to remember happier times, I am very disinterested and unfocused.  I force myself to do everything but I know you are right, I do think of Garrett making me laugh all the time and most of the time it makes me cry yet there have been a few times that I can smile for a moment and remember how happy I was....  I am working to remember him without sobbing but so far I am not so great.  The job is a little better, I purposely looked for a job that was physical and it has helped but I cry as I go to work and as I come home... Thank you for asking.  I hope you are feeling better.

Carol, the birds help me... I sit and talk to Garrett and the birds.  Sitting there with the birds is the most comfort I find.  I have put several feeders out and have found solace in the their visits yet as with all things and this horrible loss, it does not last.  I looked up the indigo bunting... what a beautiful bird... It made me smile to realize you thought of Garrett and I.  Thank you.  Good luck with Mason's tournament.

As much as I hate that we are all here, we are here together and that gives me some feeling of safety and hope..  The bond that I feel with all of you is as profound and meaningful as the losses of our blessed children are deep, shattering and scars to our souls.  thank you for your support and care...

Thank you,

Jackie

[Robert C.]

This must be the day for it! Today is exactly six months since we lost Patrick.  I really didn't expect to make it this far, God knows I prayed to join him, but here we are, battle tested by time and greif. Emotionally I am happy to have another six months to recover from today. 

The pain and greif , guilt for not being there every second, not telling him I love you a thousand times more, missing all the good times we had and knowing there won't be more. So I sat in silence praying that he's still there and at peace. Praying we will see each other again when the time comes. 

I try to keep myself occupied till I'm so exhausted I just drop. It works for a day or so then it all comes crashing back. With time it has to become more bareable, that's my prayer for all of us. Considered going to counseling but still haven't picked up the phone. I just don't know if anyone who hasn't been where we are can evaluate, understand or help. 

It saddens me I can see life moving on for the rest of the world but I'm stuck in this spiral at the same time I don't want to move forward with out him here. 

None of this makes any sense to me right now. I do hope everyone finds some hope to hang on to to make it through the days to come. 

[NiquesMom]

Robert, Jackie, Didi, Michael, Lisa:  I applaud your strength to keep going. I know the feeling to just want to lay down and die so we can be with our kids. To make the choice over and over to keep going takes strength. 

I like the talk of the birds. Nique loved animals and i think she would have loved to come out to Florida with us. Sometimes I stand and watch the trees blowing and pretend it is her saying hi. I miss her so much. I was talking to my sister and she was talking about her daughter (3 years younger than nique) going to college and talking about getting married. Made me so sad because Nique never got to that point. She was just 18, just starting life. My niece is now older than nique was when she died. Sometimes I just hate everything and everyone. 

[Robert C.]

It's good not to feel so alone in the journey, a giant thank you to everyone here! At least I know you can relate to the loss and have had all of the disturbing thoughts that go with greif. 

[Jacqueline3]

This morning is bleak for me yet as I read your messages, I can relate to each and every sentiment and it makes me feel less crazy and alone to know you share the overwhelming emotions and pain as I do.   I have had each of those thoughts a million times.   I have a grief session this morning and it is the last thing I want to do.  I am teetering badly this morning.... My niece as well just announced her marriage and she is younger than Garrett... Now that is the talk of the family and I am both angry and lost... right, wrong?  I don't know but that is what I feel.... Robert I am glad to hear from you...

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

good morning, i am trying to reply to all the comments , but everything has been said ...we all can relate to each other feelings .....that is why i do not believe in counseling , as robert said , why open up to somebody that is not living our day to day ,raise your hand if the first thing that comes to your mind every morning is your child that is gone , not the ones that are around .....who can understand that if you dfo not live it? robert, B's one year was 10 days ago , here i am , i survived it, just as you survived patrick's 6 month yesterday. 

virginia, you and carol  have more strength than all of us put together. and i when i dont see a post ftrom either one of you i feel sad and more lonely and realize that something else is missing 

[Robert C.]

Good afternoon to all. Hope today has been better than yesterday. I am keeping a positive outlook and so far it has helped. Michael, I think you may have hit the nail on the head. We have survived and surviving may be the best we can hope for at this leg of our journey. 

Jackie, our daughter who's one year older than Patrick informed us she has one of the cancer markers and one of the autoimmune diseases. She has decided not to have kids at all. She told us there was no way she was going to pass on cancer to child ever! I can't blame her. She has lived this nightmare right beside us. I understand the sadness. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

God ....i am so sorry for her and all of you. Robert , how old was patrick ?

[Robert C.]

He was 31, she's 32. She developed all her mess right around 30 yrs. old. Her maternal grandfather had cancer as well. He was a Vietnam veteran exposed to all those chemicals back then. Even the VA hospital didn't deny where he got it from. My wife, her sister, her brother and our two children have one form or another of cancer. To top it all off my wife's mom was a small child, from Spain, who lived through Hitler's use of poison gas and crud. Which he tested on the area where she lived. A giant double whammy for cancer to be potentially passed down. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

Oh God !!!! B was almost 29. so basically the same age 

[Robert C.]

It's horrible isn't it! All I see is the loss of lives and the loss of all that potential goodness from our children. 

I really looked forward to seeing happy adults with families, grandkids to spoil. So I am mourning the loss of my son and the loss of being a grandparent and all that goes with it. 

Such great plans I my mind.....all down the shitter! The golden years of retirement. I know those are selfish thoughts, but they are still in my mind along with everything else. Back to a counselor...i don't know if I would say all the above to someone not in my shoes. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

B worked with me, the last 10 years of his life we spent it together at work and at home. i have my daughter that lives in portland and , she also can not have babies ....so they are looking to adopt ......i have built my business over the last 30 years , i have forgotten when was the last time i took a vacation ...it was about 12 years ago.....and all my effort was for brian, if i pass today , both my wife and my daughter will just sell it ....my wife has no financial worries .....she just came back from the states aon april 13 and its on her way to europe on june 6 ,,,,,and i just give thanks that i have a thriving business.

[Robert C.]

That's what our daughter is thinking about if they decide. Right now she makes more money than her husband. She said if she gets another promotion she'll work and let her hubby be the stay at home dad. Works for me. 

I told her she could support us as well if she ever makes " big bucks"  she thought that was funny. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

im in the same boat.....my daughter makes much more money than her husband ,and he is a lawyer......my daughter is in marketing with a large firm 

[Mason’s Mom]

Robert,  I wasn't sure you were still following this group. It is good to stay connected.  I didn't join for months,  I couldn't put into words some of my darkest thoughts but I feel comfortable sharing here. Those hopes and dreams we had for our children are stolen from us. Mason loved babies and children,  he would have been such a good dad and I wish my Granddaughter could know her uncle. I cried when I found out I was going to be a Grandma,  I cried when she was born because she will only know him through our stories. Sometimes she has a look that reminds us of him, tugs at my heart. 

Virginia and Jackie I really believe the birds and other things are here to comfort us. 

Michael, the more we share the more we find pur children and we all have so much in common.  Grieving parents worldwide share the same pain. We are not alone. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

[Robert C.]

Carol, I've been reading the posts just couldn't post. Every time I started to write it just made me upset. Been in a dark place. 

[Judith fay]

Jackie.

Im so sorry. I wish I knew what to say to make it better for you. I am feeling the same way about My Christina. Her Angel date  is coming up on July 23 and i feel the same way you feel about Garrett. I am jyst list too and I hate when people give advice and  have no clue if they haven't  list a child.

This past weekend I had my sister up and my niece  we watched movies  talked about Christina  shared memories  good and bad.

I was just miserable i have 4 sisters we all had daughters  They try and tell me move forward thats what she would want frankly i am sick of people saying that to me its been 20 months and I still cry everyday

They dont know my pain they have never list a child i have lost 2 daughters. My heart fills broken beyond repair. If you need to talk  I am here for you. I feel your pain. Griefs  got no time line.

I will keep you in my prayers Jackie

Mom of Christina

[Robert C.]

Judith Fay, I just read what you said about grief having no time line. Totally agree. Also with the b's about moving on, moving forward. It seemed to me that my wife and I are frozen in time. Our son died and so with him we died as well, many parts of who and what we were. All that died at 6:06 Oct 24th. We'll move foreword when we get our son back! Until then I am just biding time. 

We are trying to put a positive face on as we walk out the door. It's a mask and not a good one. I know it's unfair to the rest of the family but the whole world is much darker through my eyes right now. We barely function and those are the good days. I say more on these posts than I do anyplace else because this whole group has been so accepting. Thank you all for this. Prayers to everyone of you and your families with the help of God we will see our beloved children on the other side and the pain will be no more. 

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Judith,

I wish I had the same magic words but there aren't any.  I still feel like I am an open bleeding wounds and  I cry all the time....I am really tired of people saying that as well,,, pull yourself together or take more pills... I am sorry you keep hearing the same.  I am here for you too Judith, always if you need to talk....I Hang in there, I know your Christina's year is not too much before my Garrett's.   I don't know how the hell I have made it this long.  I am dreading the entire month of August.  I.always look on the site, multiple times a day to hear what you all are saying.  You are my lifeline.  I am drowning and I know it, it is a chore to keep my head above water. 

Robert, I am trying the mask too but everyone keeps telling me they don't even recognized me... and I have just gotten to the point it is "tough ****"  for them... I don't recognize my life and I miss my Garrett.  The pain is always there just rolling over my every nerve and feeling....if I let go it becomes a volcano that puts me on the ground and I cannot even function, I am incoherent and inconsolable.   I am doing the best I can. 

I feel like all blinders are off and we are all walking in hell. Gee whiz I bet you all cannot guess how I am feeling this morning.  I am lost as always, clawing my way through the day.    I am looking forward to the day I can hug my boy close again.    I am thinking of all of you... I hope some comfort touches you today/

Jackie.

U

[Michael Rodriguez]

it is kind off so weird that at the end of the day, we are all people of so many different backgrounds, places and cultures , yet the grief that we carry is exactly the same ....i read Carol´s posts, Virginia's, Robert´s , Jackie......all of us carry the exact same feelings .....that despair to have lost not only our children, but also a  huge part of us ......how we do not want to hear , " you know Mike ,  Brian would not want you to suffer , he would have want you to move forward " ....,.you know what , its all a crap of BS ( pardon the french)....if B would have wanted that also , HE is alsio wrong  ......because i love him and i miss him everyday  and as i have said a million times i would give my life for him, in less than a heart beat !!!!!! 

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael you have said it so well,  We are all the same and love does cross all boundaries... Our love for our children have brought us together, our need to have someone suffering the same pain,  to hold our hand and understand us and keep us sane in this time of great despair and hardship.  How the hell do we live from this point forward until we can hug our blessed children again.    I too would give my life for Garrett to be able to live the life he deserved.   God I miss him, every second of every day....I  hope some measure of comfort finds all of you today.

Love to all of you,

Jackie

[Judith fay]

I am so Thankful for all of you  You guys listen and dont judge me. I wish everyone was like that. I feel like I am stuck in a black hole with Noway out.. I cant just move forward and act like everythings fine. I have been told alot of BS also. Unless you have walked in my shoes dont just my anxiety  and Grief its real and I would NEVER wish this on anyone. My heart aches every minute  of everyday. I see my  Grandkids

Doing well and it hurts me to know she is missing all of it. I am trying to make sure  her youngest  Brodie remembers her his dad wont allow him to speak of his mommy

I AM BARELY  HANGING  ON!

Mom of Christina

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Judith, I am right here with you and I know the sensation of Barely hanging on.  Please hold on to  me, to all of us.  I would not wish this on anyone either.  We will walk together as long as it takes, perhaps that is the rest of our lives but that is okay.   WE LOVE AND MISS OUR CHILDREN!  and no one can take that from any of us.. Talk to me Judith..

Jackie

[Danielle Masata]

Dear friends... we are all suffering, that's so true.  I feel as if part of me died when my son died.  It's a part of me that has changed and has hardened and will never, ever be the same.  He was so beautiful, so uniquely handsome, so kind, so creative, and smart.  Of all the parts that I miss, it's the fact that we don't have grandchildren to spoil and gush over.  Without grandchildren, there is no future, only memories.  But thank goodness I have you to share these feelings with.  It allows me to vent, to grieve, to know I am not alone with these awful deeply sad feelings, to cry, to scream and still feel okay.  I so wish my husband had found this site because I know he suffered too.  He probably suffered more because he never had an outlet.  And he was deeply, deeply involved in helping my son, especially after he retired four years ago.  So what happened?  One year and one day after my son died, my husband asked me to take him to the hospital.  Within 5 days, he died.  His body feel apart.  The cause?  You could say it was his heart, his blood, and it's all true.  Because the real cause of my husband's death was heartache.  His body literally broke down.  In two days, we will be attending his funeral service and reception. I can't believe I have to do this again in my life, and so soon.  I am not ready to say good-bye.  No one is.  But this double loss feels so unfair.

So want to read a strange "coincidence"? The other morning, in my twilight of almost waking up, I was thinking about our finances and some tax circumstance if I established my kids as beneficiaries, which my husband was always so focused on.  And I got a little pat on my backside.  It was the kind of thing my husband would do.  And I swear, it was as if he was right there, with that little pat.  I looked to see if my dog swiped her back foot at me and no, she wasn't anywhere near. That's when I suddenly felt like I doing okay, making the right choices, and my dear husband was happy with how I was moving along. Oh how I miss him, them both.  It hurts and I'm lonely, I can't imagine how my life will change without these two most important people in my life.  I try to go one day at a time, but soon I will need to come to terms with this: it will be just me making decisions and going-it-alone and that's scary.

[Danielle Masata]

  At the beach near us.

[Michael Rodriguez]

danielle , good morning .....,it will always be one day at a time , one foot going forward the other one right behind! judith , i have been here since, i guess almost a year, i remember searching for some blog that would help me cope with losing B , and this place has been so helpful , so just keep on venting that we are all hear to read and give our thoughts , we got to help each other .....and i wish my wife would reach out to either this one or some other grievance place.....i think writing out your feelings to people that really understand and are living those same feelings makes it easier to cope your everyday

[Jacqueline3]

Danielle, it is good to hear from you.   I know you have had a lot to sort through.  I do not believe in coincidences...I think our loved ones are close by... a belief I need to remember when the despair is so overwhelming and I feel like I am barely hanging on by my fingernails.   Garrett as well had no spouse or children and it makes me so sad, he would be a wonderful father and husband.   I am saddened I will never get to see him experience that joy.   Judith, how are you this morning?   I am thinking of you all,

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Have your seen the covid commercial about the young adults that dont want to get vaccinated? There is a line one guy says to his friend "if you were to die that would literally kill me."

That line makes me so mad that whenever that commercial comes on I have to change the channel. 

We continue to live even though we are torn apart, obviously whomever wrote the lines has never experienced such a great loss and still had to continue in life

Talking to my husband last night, he said if he dies he is afraid he wont go to heaven and will keep waiting for me. I told him if his heart stops again to go on home, and I will be there when kyle is ok to be without me. He is fighting so hard to come home, but we never know when the last day is

[Michael Rodriguez]

47 minutes ago, NiquesMom said:

Have your seen the covid commercial about the young adults that dont want to get vaccinated? There is a line one guy says to his friend "if you were to die that would literally kill me."

That line makes me so mad that whenever that commercial comes on I have to change the channel. 

We continue to live even though we are torn apart, obviously whomever wrote the lines has never experienced such a great loss and still had to continue in life

Talking to my husband last night, he said if he dies he is afraid he wont go to heaven and will keep waiting for me. I told him if his heart stops again to go on home, and I will be there when kyle is ok to be without me. He is fighting so hard to come home, but we never know when the last day is

tell him not to think about death , he will pull out ...he has been at it for so long ...if the lord wanted him upstairs , he would have long be gone !!! and when he dies, of old age , i am sure he will go to heaven .....nique will just have to wait for him a bit longer 

[Mason’s Mom]

Danielle,  I honestly believe what you experienced was a gentle pat on the back. He is saying you got this. Take comfort in those signs., they are subtle but be open to them. 

Virginia I know what you mean about the commercials and the callous way deaths are reported. I have to tune out so much and even over hearing conversations and what some people consider to be devastating.  Sometimes I want to scream you want to know what a bad day, month,  year really is lose a child. The only thing I can imagine would be more painful would be to lose more than one.

Judith,  it is so hard and exhausting to just get up and put on a face that the world finds acceptable. I feel like I haven't rested since Mason left us.I hurt physically just can't relax and rest. Sometimes after a  really good cry I feel a little relief. 

Jackie saw more birds today,  now I think about you and Virginia. 

Michael you have such kind words. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

[Judith fay]

Jackie,

I am  not good . I got a memory  notice on facebook I clicked on it and it was my christina laughing  and joking around with her sons. I spent the day crying and feeling just done and wanting so bad to go be with my girls. How are you all doing? I feel like i dont ask about you all enough.

Mom of Christina

[Robert C.]

I can't get near his FB account. Too many raw memories right now. 

[NiquesMom]

Judith, if I want to really cry i will listen to niques voicemails. I have about 10 of them, from the last 6 months of her life. Nothing really important in most of them, but the one I always listen to is her wishing me happy birthday.

I don't believe the missing ever goes away, maybe softens. I have a coworker whose son died 35 years ago, and the changing of the seasons always sets her off and she schedules time off work. It depresses me to think this sadness will just always be a part of me. I dont think I will ever be truly happy again because my family is incomplete.

This is my Nique.

[Michael Rodriguez]

3 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

Judith, if I want to really cry i will listen to niques voicemails. I have about 10 of them, from the last 6 months of her life. Nothing really important in most of them, but the one I always listen to is her wishing me happy birthday.

I don't believe the missing ever goes away, maybe softens. I have a coworker whose son died 35 years ago, and the changing of the seasons always sets her off and she schedules time off work. It depresses me to think this sadness will just always be a part of me. I dont think I will ever be truly happy again because my family is incomplete.

This is my Nique.

 

On 4/24/2022 at 5:15 PM, NiquesMom said:

My husband tried to stand

hi christopher !!!

3 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

Judith, if I want to really cry i will listen to niques voicemails. I have about 10 of them, from the last 6 months of her life. Nothing really important in most of them, but the one I always listen to is her wishing me happy birthday.

I don't believe the missing ever goes away, maybe softens. I have a coworker whose son died 35 years ago, and the changing of the seasons always sets her off and she schedules time off work. It depresses me to think this sadness will just always be a part of me. I dont think I will ever be truly happy again because my family is incomplete.

This is my Nique.

i am sorry ....it left with out my comment of what a cute girl .....how come all have these beautiful smiles on them ??!!!!!

[Jacqueline3]

Morning to all,  I still cannot at the "good" to any greeting.  I don't know if I ever will. 

Virginia  What a beautiful picture of Nique!  She is beautiful.   Her smile is transfixing.

Danielle, I loved the picture of Patrick.  Such a handsome young man, he has such a gentle expression in the picture.   He seems like such a gentle soul.  I wanted to tell you that when you posted, but I had been such a mess that day...

Robert, i can understand that, I am even having trouble going in Garrett's room now... I cry hysterical.

Judith.  I am sorry.  I know the feeling of wanting to just be with Garrett.  Your grandchildren need you,  Jolene needs me.  I need you... I have been such a mess the past couple of days.  I cry every day too, multiple times a day, it can be as simple as seeing an apple pie, my Garrett loved his apple pie.  I miss him so much.   I know you miss Christina and Dasha, I know your heart is broken and shattered just like mine.  Our hearts will never be the same, but I still cannot help but believe our children are close, looking over us.   In the spot I like to sit, there are two little woodpeckers who show up every day.   I never really see woodpeckers, I hear them but dont see them..  These two, male and female come every day.  Yesterday I was so bad.  I drove to work and talked and cried to Garrett the entire way.and parked, and heard a rapping.  In the tiny tree directly in front of my .car, sat one of the same type of little woodpeckers.  She (no red spot on her head)  sat for a moment when I got out and then as I stood next to her she started and  just pecked away.  I could have reached my hand out and touched her. but my closeness did not seem to bother her and I stood there with tears rolling down my face.  I cannot help but believe that is my precious son telling me he is with me....  Of course I am needy as hell.....  I am here for you Judith.  We will get to a place where we can function together.

Love and hugs to all

I am thinking of everyone,

Jackie

[Ramona66]

Hi All

 

It has been a while since I posted anything but I read your comments ever day. 

 

I just seem to be having a really hard time today. Yesterday I woke up and I felt a little comfort. I was sitting at work yesterday, it was slow, so I went on facebook and I was watching a video my daughters mother-in-law had posted the day before of my daughters 2 year old son. Right after the video ended the next video came up automatically and it was bunch of pictures she did as video of my daughter through the last 10+ years. I tried watching it then after a while I had to stop it was just too hard. That sensation came over me again as to WOW!!! She is really gone and I will never get to talk or see her again until I close my eyes and take my last breath. 

 

This pain is just so unbearable!!!  I pray for us all because we are all feeling that same distraught, heartbreak and loss. 

[Ramona66]

I also started righting a journal talking to her. I started on her 90 days of being and angel. I just jot down what I am feeling that day just like I was talking to her. It gives me some relief but nothing will ever make the pain go away. Do any of you have a journal to your kids?

[Michael Rodriguez]

10 minutes ago, Ramona66 said:

I also started righting a journal talking to her. I started on her 90 days of being and angel. I just jot down what I am feeling that day just like I was talking to her. It gives me some relief but nothing will ever make the pain go away. Do any of you have a journal to your kids?

i do ....i have almost 20 pages written to him ....i tell him all kinds of things , but always how much i miss him and love him.

[Lisa M.]

I too have a journal.  It helps some how. Thinking of you all. 

[Robert C.]

Virginia that's a beautiful picture of Nique. Not much to say this evening. Can't do fb or listen to a VM. Was watching the tv and thought what a nice night to play catch outside then reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I had been looking at Pat's little League pictures on the wall and it triggered that thought. 

Thinking about all of you tonight, with hopes of finding some happiness and peace. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

19 hours ago, Robert C. said:

Virginia that's a beautiful picture of Nique. Not much to say this evening. Can't do fb or listen to a VM. Was watching the tv and thought what a nice night to play catch outside then reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I had been looking at Pat's little League pictures on the wall and it triggered that thought. 

Thinking about all of you tonight, with hopes of finding some happiness and peace. 

i was watching the draft last nite , and it was the second time that i watched it all alone in my bedroom.....also , during lunch i started watching a you tube video on jeeps off roading , but were no competition , just a bunch of guys having fun .......could not find the strength to watch all of it. 

this morning my wife got a picture from a lady that would do comforters for my wife store and that lady found a picture that she took of brian , in the middle of a road where he got out of the car because he saw this guy beating up a girl , ran him away and stayed with her until the cops got there.....somebody he did not know , but that was my son. im so proud of B, i just wish i could have told him more often ,i wish i could have hug him more than what i did, told him how much i love him more often than what i did ..... i just miss him so much