Loss of an Adult Child

[Changed]

Virginia,  good to hear that Kyle had a good time for his birthday and that you have a target date for Christopher to aim for.   Probably best that he is where he is for the time being where he can get professional care until he has picked up a lot more and gives you all the chance of an easier run once he is home.  Take care.  Roz

[Robert C.]

Happy birthday, Kyle

[Jacqueline3]

Hello to all,

Everyone is very quiet.  I hope okay.   I have had several hysterical and inconsolable days.  I miss Garrett.  Even writing this I still at moments have the surreal thinking this cannot be real.... I love and miss Garrett so damned much!

jackie

 

[Robert C.]

I have had that feeling today. Had a meltdown at the Vet's office when they told us our dog had to be euphenized. In the last 6 months and 2 weeks we lost our son and both our dogs. Today sucked! 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Robert, I am so sorry.  I know how much comfort dogs and animals can bring.   I have a pitbull that has been a comfort to me.  I am thinking of you,

Jackie

[Robert C.]

Just can't seem to catch a break. I know it's the loss of Patrick which is still a raw nerve, so my perception is off. I just need life to be steady for a bit, nothing major happening for a few more months. 

[NiquesMom]

Robert, I am worried I need to put our dog down. Waiting for my husband to be home before I take him to the vent so my husband can say goodbye if that is whats needed. 

We have had this dog 15 years, going to be hard to not have him in the house.

So sorry for the compounded grief you are feeling.

[Changed]

Always hard to say goodbye to our pets but it takes on added complexities when we are deep in grief already .    Sorry that you are both facing this.   
David’s dog died a couple of years after Dave died.  His dog was poisoned and died - our reactions were so intense- apart from the obvious sadness, shock and horror at what had happened we were all plunged into a deep confusion of thoughts.  Took quite a while to sort out our heads , if indeed we have.    I like to see Dave and his dog walking together again - may be fanciful but what harm does it do? 
Thinking of you both, Roz
 

[Changed]

It’s now 2 in the morning here in England and I’m up on my own.  I put on you tube to listen to a song - it always go so wrong.  I have terrible thoughts running through my mind that were not there before.  It’s as if I overdose on the emotion of the song and tip into this pit of despair .

my son would not begrudge me an escape into music so why do I feel guilt and, I think, punish myself with opening up again the images we work hard to pack away.  I can’t  imagine anyone handling my child’s body after his death - it can’t be possible that it’s true.  Why would that matter so much to me - what they would do to him?  It’s not worse than him being dead .  I try hard not to go there.  I need to find that item about what atoms do , some physicists speech- it helped me in the early years just to get over my ??, I don’t know , my revulsion at the thought of people touching him ,  examining him, burning him.

Im so sorry to burden you all - I felt I had to run here for some reason - you have all got your own horror show going on and I must be scaring you that you’ll still be like this at 5 1/2 years on .  It’s not constant , like you are now,  as bad as I am right now,  it’s always there but not so heavy . Just now  I let my mind go free into my misery, if someone had been with me I don’t think that would have happened - I would have stayed in the safe zone.

This is why I’m writing here - because it’s helping me regain control rather than sitting and sobbing and going into a spiral.    When my mum died 8 years ago , Dave said he’d fly home from Australia but I thought he should wait and come in happier times - so he went to church at the same time  that we would be for mum’s funeral in England.  To be connected with us all - afterwards he went out on the cliffs looking over the ocean and danced with his gran.   He told me he knew she would love it  as she would in life.    What a mess I’m in.

 Could write on and on but I’ll spare you all.    Thanks for being there.  This is a blip.  I’ll put music on again but not tonight - next time I’ll be careful not to go there .   I’m going to bed now and I must steer myself away from too close a focus so I can sleep for a bit.      I’ll probably delete all this in the morning .   What have we turned into - no wonder we don’t tell professionals everything - only people who have to walk this road would understand .   All the parents here on this forum , who have gone before us , would confirm that.  This is all normal.   Roz xx

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz,   It is 11:30 pm here in Pennsylvania.   I just got home from work and read your message.

You were the one who reached into the very dark pit I was in not so very long ago and gave me your hand.   I was on the other forum and you reached out.  You saved my sanity that night several months ago.   I am calm tonight, was calm on the way home from work, which I never am, I sob the entire way to and from.... I was upset wondering why I felt more calm than usual, now I know it was my turn to reach a hand out to you. 

 You are not scaring me.... I know in my heart that this pain I feel, that we all feel will be with us in one form or another for the rest of our lives.   I do not expect this pain I feel for Garrett to ever go away.  He is my son and I love him...forever and always.  I hate that any of us have to go through this, live this way, long for our children this way.   The truth will not change for any of us.... We just want our children to come home, to be safe, to laugh with us and we want to hug them close and never let go.

I do not think it is strange that you were and are upset about people touching Dave's body, examining him.   I had and still have the same thing.  When the funeral home picked Garrett up, I was hysterical.  They were moving my boy and I was not there.  Were they being gentle?  Were they treating him with respect and care?   I did not want anyone touching Garrett and then I had to ask for an autopsy to know what the hell happened to my boy.

One of the questions I asked Garrett every day is how the hell am I supposed to live my life without him?   I don't want to do that.  I don't ever want him to think that going on and living in this waking hell is easy for me... It is not... He is not here!  It does not matter how much time passes that fact is one I want my precious Garrett to know... It will never be easy for me.  Because he means the world to me!   I love him and I miss him!  How could living a life without him be easy?   You are the same with Dave!  How can living a life without your precious son be easy.... It is not even 51/2 years later. 

I hope you can get some sleep but I also hope you read this tonight so that you know you are not alone.  Take my hand Roz, I am with you tonight when the darkness closes in... we will find the light together.

Love and a huge hug,

Jackie

[Robert C.]

Dear Roz, no need to delete your post. Music reaches your very soul. It brings up every emotion, both happy and sad. My wife is a classic rock person, my son and I enjoyed rock and metal and the tons of other names they tagged rock with from the 70's to the 2020's. I find peace in his music as long as it isn't screaming at me....my wife still can't listen to it without crying. 

Since Patrick was on hospice, there wasn't an autopsy needed. As his mind shut down every other organ did the same thing. I try my best not to think about the rest. Ours was a direct cremation, which is what he wanted.  I hope you find some peace and sleep tonight. As Jackie said, thank you for being there when we needed help. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, I know we have talked about music in the past I still struggle and rarely listen while I am alone. Music has been a part of my life since a very early age. I have always loved music and now I feel the absence just another part of me that has changed. Don't apologize for expressing your thoughts,  I have had the same thoughts. Since Mason was young and no apparent health issues he had an autopsy. He was taken to the state medical examiner's office and they had his body 4 days. I have struggled when we have traveled the roads they drove to transport him. I was devastated to think about what they were doing,  then to read the autopsy was torture. I only read it once. Those are the dark hours and the still creep in.  I have not been in a good place recently so I have been quite. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

[Michael Rodriguez]

guess what roz, i am also having it rough this morning .....i have been working and taking care of everything i need to do , but tears have been flowing for quite a while now....once i had a chance to get away from all.....i had to open , i had the necessity to find that you guys had written something , i needed some comfort that, regretfully, only here i can find.....with all of you, all of us , walking this God forsaken road.  i miss my son so much , i now only pray for his soul i dont care to pray for anything else....every morning and every evening , before i leave home and as soon as iget back i go to his urn and kiss it and tell him how much i love him.....like everybody here i yourn to have my child back , it was not suppose to be this way.......

[NiquesMom]

Roz, they did an autopsy on my daughter as well. I remember being so upset that I couldnt get her body released before Christmas. She died on the 21st which was a thursday. And of course everything closed for christmas and I dont know why I thought it would be better for her to be at the mortuary instead of the medical examiners??

I go to the dark places when I cant sleep, doesnt happen too often but guess what?? It happened last night. Woke up at 1015 (frog fell into the house a/c) and couldnt go back to sleep so my mind always remembers the darkest day of my life. I remember I took kyle to get a gingerbread house, took silly pics of him in a light up reindeer nose....all as Nique was laying in the road, 100 feet from home. Why? Why did she have to cut across the road? Why couldnt she have stayed at work on her break? Why? Why? Why? It never ends. I miss her so much. Wont get to see her get married, be a mom, show me what she was going to do with her life.

This isnt fair. I dont like this. I want to change this. 

Crying as I type this. Tired of this life.

[Jacqueline3]

Hello to all, it seems as if everyone is struggling more intensely these passed days and weeks (If that is even possible!)... It is not supposed to be this way and I still scream to the heavens for taking my precious Garrett.  I go to his room and he has a rack behind his door he hangs all of his sweat jackets.  He loves them.   I hug them close and bury my in them and for a moment, I can almost feel Garrett.  that and I watch the birds....I too have tears running down my face, there is an endless reservoir of tears of agony and longing... I love and miss Garrett so much and I just want him to come home.  Say that to the wrong person and they are convinced your crazy... I know in my heart that cannot happen but it does not mean that I wish with all my heart and soul that Garrett could just come home and this horrible nightmare would be over..  I am as well tired of this life I do not recognize... A life that is more like hell than any life I recognize.  How do I survive this cruel life...

Love and hugs,  I am thinking of you all...

Jackie.

Judith?  You okay?

[Jacqueline3]

hello to all, hope everyone is finding some form of comfort, even for a short time.... I am still trying all I can, research methods to get rid of the catbirds and bring all my other birds back... my two little downy woodpeckers and I believe it is a red bellied woodpecker are the only three other birds still coming...  The area was just full of all kinds of birds until these little demons showed up.  It is depressing and it makes me cry even more. 

Virginia I am so sorry your day out with Kyle and the gingerbread house has such horrible memories, I am so sorry.   Garrett was home that last week and I feel like he declined right under my nose.... why did I not put the pieces together.  He was released Monday morning from he hospital and  the doctors, (three specialists) said he was okay.... Yet his breathing was a hair off later in the week... why did not not see it!   A week after he was released from the hospital that said he was perfectly fine,, he passed away.   I have gone over that week over and over and over again... and now I see a plethora of little things I should have seen... Why didn't I?   Sorry, bad weekend, I miss Garrett so much... We are coming up on nine months... How the hell can that be? 

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

19 hours ago, Jacqueline3 said:

hello to all, hope everyone is finding some form of comfort, even for a short time.... I am still trying all I can, research methods to get rid of the catbirds and bring all my other birds back... my two little downy woodpeckers and I believe it is a red bellied woodpecker are the only three other birds still coming...  The area was just full of all kinds of birds until these little demons showed up.  It is depressing and it makes me cry even more. 

Virginia I am so sorry your day out with Kyle and the gingerbread house has such horrible memories, I am so sorry.   Garrett was home that last week and I feel like he declined right under my nose.... why did I not put the pieces together.  He was released Monday morning from he hospital and  the doctors, (three specialists) said he was okay.... Yet his breathing was a hair off later in the week... why did not not see it!   A week after he was released from the hospital that said he was perfectly fine,, he passed away.   I have gone over that week over and over and over again... and now I see a plethora of little things I should have seen... Why didn't I?   Sorry, bad weekend, I miss Garrett so much... We are coming up on nine months... How the hell can that be? 

Jackie

jackie i see the same things as you do the same signs, regretfully hindsight is the only one with 20/20 vision

[Jacqueline3]

 Thank you Michael, it has been a hard weepy weekend.  Needed some reassurance, god the guilt at times is horrible.  I never wanted to let my children down and I feel like I failed Garrett in the worst way possible.  How are you doing Michael?

[Michael Rodriguez]

31 minutes ago, Jacqueline3 said:

 Thank you Michael, it has been a hard weepy weekend.  Needed some reassurance, god the guilt at times is horrible.  I never wanted to let my children down and I feel like I failed Garrett in the worst way possible.  How are you doing Michael?

surviving .........

[Changed]

Jackie, so sorry that you have had such a difficult weekend and the catbirds are upsetting you so.  I don’t know what they are like , I don’t think we have them .

The guilt is crippling- deserved or not - i remember one of our member’s her daughter drowned in the bath upstairs . She heard a noise but didn’t go up.  Normal noise stuff around a house with older kids . She beat herself up something shocking with guilt.  Poor women , all the what ifs.  
just today a member of parliament was on tv - his adult daughter had died in a bike accident two years ago - he had heard the sirens and flying ambulance nearby but didn’t imagine it was his girl .  It was just 100 metres from his home and his anguish was that he was carrying on with normal things on that Sunday morning as his daughter lay dying.   So much hurt and guilt  in his voice .   He said that if he had been in his garden he may have seen her cycle past and she would have stopped to speak with him and not have had the accident.   We can see that these parents should not be feeling guilty,  grief is hard enough without blaming ourselves unnecessarily.   You and Michael did what we all do when we put our trust in the medical profession at times of need - that is what we are meant to do .   Believe me , most of us can find something to blame ourselves for .

Go easy on yourself,  Roz

 

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you Roz,  How are you doing?  I have been thinking of you.  I went outside this morning and cried and my two woodpeckers and a beautiful cardinal, among others visited me....  I cried even harder.  A few catbirds but the others came too. 

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Changed]

I’m ok Jackie, I packed away my darkest thoughts again.  Kept away from music for now since that meltdown too.   That is what will change for you as the months and years go by - you will never get over your loss but you will regain control.  You won’t always be tearful even though Garrett will always be on your mind.  It does get easier, honestly.  You are still processing everything that has happened that completely altered your life and wellbeing.  It is a lot to process and there can be no time scale - it takes as long as it takes.  We don’t move in one direction and that can be disheartening and there is huge guilt when we do find a source of enjoyment.   
Even  the rotten fact that this is forever is enough to make us feel like throwing the towel in , we cannot change that reality , all we can do right now is to let everything take it’s course.   
If you have the same page up here as me then you will see a poster ‘Ericasmom’ , tap on her badge and dip into some of her past posts - she is so wise and helpful.   If it is quiet on here and you need reassurance then her past messages would be enlightening and encouraging to you.  It spans years and you will see the changes.  Dee, no longer writes here but everything she said is still relevant.

Roz x 

 

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

49 minutes ago, Changed said:

Jackie, so sorry that you have had such a difficult weekend and the catbirds are upsetting you so.  I don’t know what they are like , I don’t think we have them .

The guilt is crippling- deserved or not - i remember one of our member’s her daughter drowned in the bath upstairs . She heard a noise but didn’t go up.  Normal stuff around a house with older kids . She beat herself up something shocking with guilt.  Poor women , all the what ifs.  
just today a member of parliament was on tv - his adult daughter had died in a bike accident two years ago - he had heard the sirens and flying ambulance nearby but didn’t imagine it was his girl .  It was just 100 metres from his home and his anguish was that he was carrying on with normal things on that Sunday morning as his daughter lay dying.   So much hurt and guilt  in his voice .   He said that if he had been in his garden he may have seen her cycle past and she would have stopped to speak with him and not have had the accident.   We can see that these parents should not be feeling guilty,  grief is hard enough without blaming ourselves unnecessarily.   You and Michael did what we all do when we put our trust in the medical profession at times of need - that is what we are meant to do .   Believe me , most of us can find something to blame ourselves for .

Go easy on yourself,  Roz

 

thanks roz......

[Changed]

Michael, when do you make your move to be nearer your daughter?  I think it will do you good.   You are obviously a busy man but a change to your routine will be a beneficial jolt .  I’m sure that now you can take B with you it will make it easier.

After losing David my husband and I still had to make long haul trips to see our only grandson, David’s boy.   It was a huge effort to liven ourselves up and expose ourselves to all the tribulations of LH travel.   We had to have expensive medical insurance for world travel because of my husband’s type 1 diabetes and the length of time we were travelling for - so we took out annual policies.  Anyway, we decided, on the spur of the moment, to take a trip to Italy .  We’d just got back from visiting our grandson in Australia so were already out of our zombie mode.  All insured up and a cheap last minute holiday deal.  We were ready to scrap the trip right up to the morning we left - it seemed like too much trouble and easier to stay at home.  We did go - it was only for a week.   I’m glad we did though.  We were quiet , not mixing , just taking it all in - the beauty, the history.  In the evening we’d go to the restaurant just eat , leave and go back to our room    But you know it did us a lot of good.  We visited Pompeii and quietly moved around the uncovered roads and buildings with heads full of thoughts.   The whole trip gave us something different to think about and discuss.  Our daughter was delighted to see us partaking in life again .    
Sorry , I know I can chatter on once I start ‘talking’ .   If it were now that we were going on that trip, years later, we would be able to be more friendly and social- that is how we are changing.  Still with a sadness and grief as part of us but able to give more of ourselves.     I feel like I know everyone even though we’ve never met.  Roz

[Changed]

Carol, a bit concerned about you - did all the organisation needed and emotions it intensified take it out of you?    I hope it’s nothing else that you need to deal with 
You take it easy and do what is necessary for you.   Love , Roz

[Ramona66]

Hi All

 

Looks like we were all feeling the same this weekend. Last week was so hard for me. I felt so much grief and heartache is was excruciating. Still feeling the same today. I can't stop crying and missing my daughter, Vienna so much. I just want to talk to her and hug her. She was the one of all my 4 kids that was extremely close. She always loved hanging out with me. I feel so lost. The pain is just so unbearable. It has only been 4 months for me but it just seems to get worse every day and as i read your post I realize it will never get any easier. 

I slept with one her sweatshirts this weekend just trying to get close to her. I have not desire to do anything any more. The one thing I am thankful for is she gave me 2 beautiful grandchildren that give me some solace but unfortunately I can only see them on the weekends because I have to work. I have not desire to work anymore but know if have to to pay the bills. It takes all my will just to get up in the morning and come to work. My co-workers are great but I just can't stand being around people, watching them laugh or complaining about small things. I know it is something I have to deal this but just hurts so much. I don't know if any of you have religious beliefs but I am a Christian and that give me an outlet. I read my bible, say my prayers & listen to my Christian music to give me some relief. 

 

To the new members of this group, so sorry you have to be here but this is a wonderful group. it's nice to have someone to talk to that can relate what we are going through. 

 

Hugs and prayers for you all. God Bless. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

2 hours ago, Changed said:

Michael, when do you make your move to be nearer your daughter?  I think it will do you good.   You are obviously a busy man but a change to your routine will be a beneficial jolt .  I’m sure that now you can take B with you it will make it easier.

After losing David my husband and I still had to make long haul trips to see our only grandson, David’s boy.   It was a huge effort to liven ourselves up and expose ourselves to all the tribulations of LH travel.   We had to have expensive medical insurance for world travel because of my husband’s type 1 diabetes and the length of time we were travelling for - so we took out annual policies.  Anyway, we decided, on the spur of the moment, to take a trip to Italy .  We’d just got back from visiting our grandson in Australia so were already out of our zombie mode.  All insured up and a cheap last minute holiday deal.  We were ready to scrap the trip right up to the morning we left - it seemed like too much trouble and easier to stay at home.  We did go - it was only for a week.   I’m glad we did though.  We were quiet , not mixing , just taking it all in - the beauty, the history.  In the evening we’d go to the restaurant just eat , leave and go back to our room    But you know it did us a lot of good.  We visited Pompeii and quietly moved around the uncovered roads and buildings with heads full of thoughts.   The whole trip gave us something different to think about and discuss.  Our daughter was delighted to see us partaking in life again .    
Sorry , I know I can chatter on once I start ‘talking’ .   If it were now that we were going on that trip, years later, we would be able to be more friendly and social- that is how we are changing.  Still with a sadness and grief as part of us but able to give more of ourselves.     I feel like I know everyone even though we’ve never met.  Roz

my wife does most of the traveling as of late .....she came back from portland about 6 weeks ago and she leaves back to portland on june 8 , and then they are (wife,daughter and son in law) to ireland to the wedding of one of nikki´s best firend.

we are planning on a 6 week tour of europe next year .....fly into madrid rent a car and drive thru spain,france , germany ,austria and last italy ....my mom was born in genova so the will be our las stop

[Changed]

That sounds like quite a trip , Michael.  It will be interesting and varied.  It will throw up lots of points of interest as you move about.   When David was here we spent many holidays travelling around Europe - my mother lived in Kent and we’d leave our dog with her and catch the ferry over to France or Belgium start our tour .   Such happy times - but a sobering thought that David is not here for me to remind him of them .

Difficult to enter into anything enthusiastically without it feeling a bit ‘wrong’ but the right thing to do when we are able to - whether it’s distant travel or a change of scene locally - walking somewhere different for instance.   Roz

 

[Changed]

Hi Ramona,  I’m glad you have your religion to bring you comfort - I’m sure it will mean a lot to you.  I’m a Christian too but I don’t go to church or read my bible anymore.  I can’t even pray these days  but I do still live my life to the same values as I ever did. 
It is very raw for you, four months of agony and longing.  I’m sorry.   We do all understand how unbelievable and unbearable it is.
Wearing Vienna’s sweatshirt or holding it near is mirrored by many of us just to feel close to them.  I wear David’s gloves throughout the colder weather walks - it feels as if I’m holding his hand.  My husband wears one of Dave’s sweatshirts- I like to launder it and hang it up again . I have some moccasin slippers of his parked next to my mum’s moccasin slippers ( she died two years before we lost David) it gives me comfort to see them together.   We all do whatever we can to help ourselves cope.

Thinking about you,  Roz

[NiquesMom]

I know my daughter can send messages through song. Leaving the hospital this morning so tired, get in the car to drive to work, and the song on the radio is Kenny Chesneys "everything is gonna be alright." Read the lyrics, I know its Nique reminding me she is still beside me, helping me though I cannot see her.

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, so much going on. My husband is not doing well.  He had a lot of health issues,  he has has 3 urinary tract infections in the last 3 months.  He has had some blood tests and they are concerning,  he has had a history of skin cancer, aggressive deep, he needs to see a specialist so we are waiting for an appointment. I he has arthritis in his hips and shoulders so he struggles with exercise.  My oldest Morgan is still not 100%, my youngest recently had her heart broken and is very depressed. I am very stressed and feel like I am carrying a very heavy load. I miss Mason. My heart is physically hurting. I read everyone's posts but haven't had the energy to post and certainly don't have any words of encouragement. I have a hard time understanding why some of us face so many challenges. I try to live a good life and have tried to instill good values in my children. It goes back to the same old question  WHY? Sorry for rambling on and I don't want it to sound like a pity party, just trying to get up each day and keep going. 

[Changed]

Carol,  that is a lot to be worrying about.   It is hard for us to keep going with normal , everyday stuff when our sad hearts and heads are so full of the loss of our children but when we have other important issues  confront us then it can become overwhelming .  
Trying to find the strength to be everything you want to be for your family will take its toll.    You will only be able to deal with each day as it comes and you all get some answers.   Will your husband have to wait long for his appointments? 
The unfairness of  life is there for us all to see - that is why we can find comfort in the fact that we have all faced the very worse and there is genuine understanding amongst us.    Why bad people crashing through life causing misery to others whilst good , kind , folk are cruelly taken from us is a mystery to me. 
Right now there is a lot of dilemmas for you to be thinking about and very little you personally can do to put them right.  That impotence is hard for us to accept .  Keeping positive and supportive to your family is the best you can do whilst the doctors get them fixed but if you are already flat and exhausted then that is a big ask - the truth is we worry, worry, worry. 
I hope that everyone improves and anything needing medical intervention is quickly resolved.  I know that you are on high alert and terrified.  Try to keep steady,  Roz x

[Jacqueline3]

Morning to all,

Carol, you have much on an already full plate.  I hope your husband is feeling better soon.  it is difficult to watch others hurt our children and we can do nothing but be there.   I hope Morgan improves a little with each day.   Jolene is the same, not 100% but slowing moving in the right direction.

Virginia, I do believe our children are close.   I think the are talking to us and sending us messages to help us through.  It is listening and finding our path to hear them.  I know Garrett.... if there is a way he can reach me, he will.  I know he talks through the birds. (and not every bird... I know even saying it, I might sound like a crazy woman to many) but I know he does.  

On a particularly bad day, I sat and cried that even the birds weren't helping and I know how much he loved to listen to their songs....The next morning a very large wild turkey was beating on our livingroom window.... I came running out to all the ruckus... This enormous bird stopped, looked for a second then sauntered away like he had all the time in the world.  In the 22 years we have been at this house we have never had a damned turkey in our yard.  Garrett would have made a ridiculous but pointed gesture when he was here and my boy always spent time with his old Mum..... good times and bad.  He was always there with me.    I have had too many very strange encounters with birds (specific birds), especially cardinals and woodpeckers and mallard duck (Garrett loved woodpeckers and I have always had a fondness for cardinals and mallard ducks)  to not believe Garrett is talking to me....

I am thinking of everyone,  I feel your pain, knowing it is the same agony and longing that I feel every second of every day.  Thank you for sharing this horrible journey with me.  I would be lost without you.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

i am out of words today. carol you are really going thru a lot, just come and vent whenever , i dont think any of us are going anywhere , this is our refuge !!!! so we are always here to listen ......jackie, some times i will find some serenity and peace like if everything is normal and B is still around......no idea , but could those moments be that he is in reality close by ????? i wish it could be true

[Jacqueline3]

Michael, I have no doubt that B is close.   Listening to you talk about him and the relationship you share, he would not want you to suffer even though he knows it the tables were turned he would be suffering horribly as you are....  I cannot explain the absolute assurance I feel but I truly believe our children are close and trying to help.   I know I have said before that I am not a religious person but a spiritual person instead.  I have felt and seen things in my life that leaves no doubt that there is life beyond this....  It has always been my belief and there are times I know Garrett is talking to me....too many unusual, unexplained happenings especially with the birds.  It is not the same as having our beloved children close and hugging them; without end but I cannot shake that feeling even in my darkest hours...

Judith, we have not heard from you for a little, Are you okay, love?

love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Morning to all,

Thinking of you one this holiday weekend.   I am not doing anything, I do not feel like celebrating anything.  I am thinking of Garrett and missing him terrible.  Starting to get more birds back at the feeders, I am still fighting the catbirds, nasty creatures....  ...Hoping you all have a few moments of comfort and peace this weekend.

Judith, I hope all is okay...

jackie

[Changed]

Jackie , I looked up catbirds - they are such mimics- not the most stunning lookers though.

A quiet weekend is not a bad thing - of course it gives us more time to dwell but since those same thoughts are with us always it won’t make a lot of difference.   It’s not a holiday weekend here but next week we have extra days off for the queen’s jubilee ( we call them bank holidays , like Christmas and Easter - do you?). I think my husband is going to an airshow then so I’ll have the day to myself - I’m going to slob around.

There is a surreal vibe to life and then there is the awful sickly shock that it is actually for real.  I don’t know if that ever fully goes away.  
Good to hear that your daughter is showing improvement even if it’s only slowly.   
Try and get out for a walk and a bit of fresh air if you can but getting some idle  rest will be beneficial too.   I’m good at that but like a swan I’m all laid back on the outside but my head is going 20 to the dozen just like their legs.   Roz x

[Jacqueline3]

Roz. you said it perfectly.... There is a surreal vibe to life and then that sickening reality that our sons are not here.   I will never get used to that blow to the face and stomach when the realization comes in and rocks my world with a nauseating strike.  I don't think it will ever go away Roz.  this is not the life we envisioned living and none of us ever wanted it.  We didn't even dare think of it, even that was too painful.

We do not call them bank holidays to my knowledge but that is what they are, I never thought  of it that way.  I am tired all the time and I know some of that is depression and sadness.  I have to stay on myself, all I want to do is just sit in silence.... so  I have been spending a little time outside, when it isn't raining, working in the flowerbeds... mine are as non-fussy as I can make them, but the weeds always come.  I have reworked my area with the birds trying to get rid of the catbirds.  They fight amongst themselves terribly, at the moment though they seem to be leaving the other birds alone and their numbers have dropped a little.   I have also been trying to sew a little but I keep getting sidetracked... I think I will put the sewing away and try painting a while.  And I am still working.. I don't really like going but it has helped.  It is a very repetitious job but that seems to help and the people have been kind... and no customers which has always been what I did as a cosmetologist and florist.

Try to have a good weekend Roz, and do something for you on your day alone, something indulgent...

Carol, I hope you are feeling a little better.   I saw my first indigo bunting here and I thought of you!  I would not have known what this beautiful bird was but I looked it up after you mentioned it.   How are your girls doing?

Judith, still hoping to hear from you. 

I keep thinking of the families in Texas that now have to begin this heinous journey and to my own anger I wonder why this violent young man was allowed to walk while our children were taken.... now twenty-one more mothers and fathers will have to walk in our shoes.

I love and miss my Garrett so much, wish I could just hug him close and squeeze his hand.

I am thinking of you all,

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Danielle Masata]

Hello all. I feel so badly that my life has been in such turmoil that I haven’t had a moment to write. I have never cried as I have crying these days. Everything upsets me. Plus, my computer’s security system, McAfee, makes it really hard to get here. I’m now on my phone and not really good with my overactive autocorrect and a fat index finger. (I can’t believe how fast my sons can type using their thumbs!)

life is somewhat settling down but still overwhelmed with probate court crap as I work on my husband’s estate. I so dread learning how much this cost me. My husband handled all of Patrick’s probate but still I needed to get involved and be assigned Executrix. Insult to injury. It won’t allow parents or spouses time to grieve!

However, maybe the local court system isn’t so bad. The latest twist in my son’s case is that the dealer is now charged for Manslaughter!  Yeah to the New Jersey courts.  It won’t bring back my son, but it helps to know that the dealer may have to think about drug dealing.  When I didn’t hear him express his condolences 18 months ago, I wondered if he even cared. Win or lose, he should care.

Maybe I can get on more easily, now that I’m using my phone, not my computer.  Cyber hugs to all of you. You are in my thoughts and prayers as we cope this new world of ours. —Danielle

[Jacqueline3]

Danielle,

I am glad to hear the dealer has been charged.  I am so sorry you are going through all of this.  I hope you can find a chance to breathe through the pain and crying.   There are days I can barely lift my head enough to suck in air.  Thinking of you.

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Danielle Masata]

Thanks Jackie. I don’t know if it’s just exhaustion or that it’s the process of grief. It’s been 4-5 months since my husband passed and 1 year, 4-5 since my son passed, but I have been feeling SO blue. I shouldn’t. It’s sunny and warm so at least the weather is cooperating, but it feels as if I’ve been more upset now than when this first happened. I think of your posts when you shared about your nonstop tears. That’s me now. I close my door at night and the dreadful silence is so deafening. Thank goodness you here understand. 

[Jacqueline3]

Danielle, I have the same... all of this is in some way much more unbearable than in the beginning.  I cry just as much now, eight months later as I did in the beginning.  While some things have changed, the realization that Garrett is not here becomes more profound and more painful.   The missing and longing is more real and the realization that my life has forever changed and not in a way that I would like.is a blaring trumpet. 

Others move on and in most cases  they do not want to talk about our missing loved ones or our continued pain.   I have found that to be difficult, especially from my family whom I have always been very close to.  While they say they are busy, I think the truth is even more simple than that.. they do not want the ugliness and pain of my life to touch theirs.  if they listen to me cry and sob for my precious son they have to feel just for those moments the intense pain I feel all the time.   I know that sounds bitter and I am, I will admit that willingly.  I want my Garrett to walk through the door and say "Hey Mum, can I borrow you for a minute?"

I do think it is all part of grief and losing one so loved and dear, but I think, we as those left behind know that the pain and longing are not going away.  I  struggle and crawl just to get through the days and I walk with my grief like a ball and chain around my neck, choking the life and joy from me... I hope eventually I will learn to pick that ball up and perhaps be able to look at that painful grief in part, as an expression of love, the love I have always had and continue to have for Garrett, because I would not hurt so badly if I did not love my son so very much...

I don't know....  Garrett and his absence have never left my mind and I miss him terrible but I will say again what I feel to the bottom of my soul... I believe my boy is close and he is trying to help me... I know if he could be here, he would... That belief and the strange damned things the birds do are the only things that keeps me sane, and talking to this group of souls walking the same path as me.

I am very maudlin at the moment and I think about this all of the time,.   I truly believe all of our children and loved ones are close and they are trying to reach and comfort us.  The love we share is the link between us and our children even as we are separated right now... Sorry for rambling... just sad and missing Garrett.

love and hugs to all

Jackie

 

[NiquesMom]

Today Nique would have been 23. Forever 18  My husband was very emotional, telling me he misses her even though they did not get along well in life.

A dragonfly landed on my sons hand and then landed on my head, I think it was her.

Its 8pm and the only person to comment that it was niques birthday is my brother. I thanked him for bringing her up because no one ever does.

Do they remember her? Her laugh like a hyena? Her love of all things japanese? The gap in her teeth? Her curly, untameable hair? Her huge heart and how she would fight any injustice she saw? How she could drink an entire gallon of milk in a day? How she loved both horror movies and Disney movies? The color purple was her favorite? Tuna sandwiches with extra mayo?  I could keep going but it just hurts that barely anyone mentions her. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

[Changed]

Virginia, what a beauty she is, adorable.   Happy birthday Nique darling.  
So lovely for her to have touched you and Kyle today.   I really do think that there is something in that.    
A sad day that Nique is not here but a good date because she was born and brought such love and joy to your lives.  
It is all so tough and miserable to navigate this life we are living .   Sorry for us all.  
Is Christopher feeling any stronger and less painful? 
love, Roz

[Jacqueline3]

Oh, Virginia, Nique is adorable.  I loved the older picture you posted as well, what a beautiful young lady and what a smile.  She made me smile!  ( and that hardly ever happens).  Happy Birthday Nique.  I am so sorry that others have added to your pain.  I had to cry uncontrollably when I read your post....I hope that Nique and Garrett have met....His favorite color was purple, he loved tuna fish and horror movies, he drank milk by the gallons and he too fought the injustice he saw... .  Garrett would have turned 23 on January 17th.  They had so much in common.  I just spoke to my Mum and she was gushing about all the other grandchildren and what they were doing, not one word about my girls or Garrett.  I too wonder if anyone will remember the wonderful things Garrett did... the wonderful young man he is and the wonderful older man he would have grown into.    I am broken tonight....

Happy Birthday Nique!  I am thinking of all of you Virginia.  especially Nique on her birthday.

Love and hugs to the birthday girl and her family...

[Changed]

Danielle, I expect you are coming out of the understandable shock phase of losing your husband - it’s such a lot for your mind to get to grips with let alone your body.   Exhaustion and a depressed state are not surprising given all you’ve had to deal with.   All the necessary paperwork you have had to conquer  and then the court case - punch drunk comes to mind.

We are here for you, Roz

[Changed]

Jackie,  I read here for a long time before I felt I could ‘speak’ and I heard the same thing that you were saying to Virginia, how you wonder if your kids are together , them  being so similar.  The long time members always talked of their children being together because of their similarities- sport, music, art , it was a relief to think of them all meeting up and enjoying themselves.  It brought huge comfort.  Embrace it .     When Michael and Robert were talking about their sons and their interests I could visualise the boys hanging out together .  What a wonderful image, them all happy and mixing together and their knowing that all we parents are going through is in just a spec of time -  to be forgotten when we join them all again.  Roz

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz what beautiful images and words... Thank you,! 

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

4 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

Today Nique would have been 23. Forever 18  My husband was very emotional, telling me he misses her even though they did not get along well in life.

A dragonfly landed on my sons hand and then landed on my head, I think it was her.

Its 8pm and the only person to comment that it was niques birthday is my brother. I thanked him for bringing her up because no one ever does.

Do they remember her? Her laugh like a hyena? Her love of all things japanese? The gap in her teeth? Her curly, untameable hair? Her huge heart and how she would fight any injustice she saw? How she could drink an entire gallon of milk in a day? How she loved both horror movies and Disney movies? The color purple was her favorite? Tuna sandwiches with extra mayo?  I could keep going but it just hurts that barely anyone mentions her. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

So precious 💖. Happy birthday sweet girl l. The dragonfly had to a kiss from your sweet girl. 

[Mason’s Mom]

9 hours ago, Jacqueline3 said:

Roz. you said it perfectly.... There is a surreal vibe to life and then that sickening reality that our sons are not here.   I will never get used to that blow to the face and stomach when the realization comes in and rocks my world with a nauseating strike.  I don't think it will ever go away Roz.  this is not the life we envisioned living and none of us ever wanted it.  We didn't even dare think of it, even that was too painful.

We do not call them bank holidays to my knowledge but that is what they are, I never thought  of it that way.  I am tired all the time and I know some of that is depression and sadness.  I have to stay on myself, all I want to do is just sit in silence.... so  I have been spending a little time outside, when it isn't raining, working in the flowerbeds... mine are as non-fussy as I can make them, but the weeds always come.  I have reworked my area with the birds trying to get rid of the catbirds.  They fight amongst themselves terribly, at the moment though they seem to be leaving the other birds alone and their numbers have dropped a little.   I have also been trying to sew a little but I keep getting sidetracked... I think I will put the sewing away and try painting a while.  And I am still working.. I don't really like going but it has helped.  It is a very repetitious job but that seems to help and the people have been kind... and no customers which has always been what I did as a cosmetologist and florist.

Try to have a good weekend Roz, and do something for you on your day alone, something indulgent...

Carol, I hope you are feeling a little better.   I saw my first indigo bunting here and I thought of you!  I would not have known what this beautiful bird was but I looked it up after you mentioned it.   How are your girls doing?

Judith, still hoping to hear from you. 

I keep thinking of the families in Texas that now have to begin this heinous journey and to my own anger I wonder why this violent young man was allowed to walk while our children were taken.... now twenty-one more mothers and fathers will have to walk in our shoes.

I love and miss my Garrett so much, wish I could just hug him close and squeeze his hand.

I am thinking of you all,

love and hugs,

Jackie

I hope the cat birds leave the others alone. I had to stop watching the news about the children in Texas. The pain is to familiar . Girls are a little better.  Thanks for asking.