Loss of an Adult Child

[Say Neysa to me]

Dear fellows in grief, It has been 20 years for me as of March 30, 2022. I lost my beautiful loving first child Neysa, on that day 20 years ago. It never got any easier for me. Life never became normal again. Unless you want to call what you go through the rest of your life..your new normal. After all these years and inspire of my faith..I still weep and grieve for my daughter. My life has never been the same and I am not the same. Oh you will find that someday you will laugh and enjoy life again to some degree but you will always be thinking of how they would have loved what you are doing or you feel crushed when someone else's daughter gets married or has a baby or some other milestone that your child will never meet.You are happy for those experiencing such wonderful life events and you don't begrudge them...you just can't help but feel cheated and that your child was cheated and you wonder why it happened. How does God decide? And why can't I ever be as happy as I was before the accident? Is something wrong with me? Even so, if there is..do I even care? You eventually go back to work. For me it was a year but I frequently snuck off to the restroom to cry at the hospital I worked at as a nurse. It was that or cry at my computer or in front of patients, coworkers, or visitors. This went on for years but lessened at work as time went by. I wish I could say I was so close to God that in time I could gracefully accept the loss and fall back into living my life cheerfully and contentedly....but that is not how it happened for me. I developed severe clinical depression and have been in treatment for such ever since. I have good days and bad days and sometimes mediocre days. Not one day goes by with out her on my mind. Not one second is my heart not sore.You do get used to the pain at times but it's always there waiting for you. The only constant in your life now. It doesn't abandon you or let you down. It is ever present in varying degrees of strength. Sometimes you almost think it is asleep but it will quickly and keenly remind you of it's presence and it's reason to be in your life. The first week and for so long after...so long that I can not say exactly when I stopped wondering how the sun was still shining..and how could the birds sing as if nothing were amiss? How did everything look and feel so foreign to me yet no one else seems to notice at all. I thought everything looked out of focus and off kilter..like either my perspective was off or the world had slipped into a twilight zone like atmosphere. My new perception of reality was a nauseating realization that though things appeared off balance and sounded of key...the reality was that I was off balance...and would remain so for an indeterminate amount of time. I was able to realize that most of what I saw and heard was a result of my skewed perception after the most traumatic event in my life. I can't remember how long those sensations lasted either. During the period of intense grieving for the first 10 years I forgot many things I experienced. There are gaps in my memory. As a result I feel I have lost so much time...not just to the grief itself but also  the loss of memory is directly related to the devastating trauma of grief...I never made that connection for some time. I just knew I was forgetful and seemed to be losing time. I could still remember my nursing skills, and art skills, the words to every song I Ever knew but I was forgetting appointments, events, and conversations. That has improved but the lost memories are still lost. I have had to learn to pace myself. I became more of an introvert and began to self isolate. I never totally stopped self isolating although I do manage to come out of my cave from time to time and I even try new things I never did before. Now though I find I am in a hurry all the time and feel as if I need to make up for lost time. I have so many projects going on and I hope to complete them all. I am finally taking better care of myself too. I don't want my daughter to tell me I wasted the last years of my life grieving and never did anything. So I am trying to do everything I possibly can ....while I continue to grieve. My grief in public is quieter and more gentle and some people may notice the sadness in my eyes but never know the reason why. I have always heard that there is no right or wrong way to grieve...be it short or long..or inward or outward or some of both..be it tearful or stoic..or angry sad or broken or any combination of any range of emotions...we will suffer it. It is the dear price we pay for the love of our precious child. It gives us just a glimpse of how our Savior must have suffered...and he endured so much more than I. I never asked for this...I was not given a choice...neither was my child. She endured her part. Now I have to continue to endure mine...how ever long it takes. We all do. What choice do we have? I still have great empathy and love for others. There are moments of  jou...small and quickly dispersed like the scent of orange blossoms you drive by and try to keep inhaling because you want the delightful fragrance to last and last..but it doesn't...so you enjoy it while you can. Such is life. It was never meant to be easy most of the time...we actually are meant to suffer and endure. We are meant to persevere and overcome...and become better from our trials and tribulations. It is not what we are thinking when we lose a child or any other loved one. We can rarely think of anything else. It is easy to be selfish and feel sorry for ones self at such times but if we give in to such feelings all the time.. we may find ourselves stagnant, bitter, and empty with nothing left to give or feel. So ...did I tell you I still have bad days and good days after 20 years. Sometimes I still break down and cry like a broken heart is all I am. Sometimes I smile and I look at photos and I remember too. Sometimes those photos bring on the tears in the middle of a smile. I just never know how my day will be. Who really does?I don't want anyone to forget my daughter either but sadly those who have never suffered loss are uncomfortable around it. It is so important to talk about your child and your loss. It can be difficult to find someone willing to share that grief. But when I can all I want to hear is my childs name. I ask for someone  to Say Neysa to me. That means everything to me still.

[Michael Rodriguez]

Good morning Neysa !!

[Ramona66]

Say Neysa to me

Thank you so much for sharing this. Beautifully said!

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Say Neysa to me,

I had to cry after reading your beautifully worded addition.   As I think of the rest of my life, I have envisioned it in much the same way.  thank you for sharing your story.  When you feel able or wish to, I would love to hear more about your Neysa.  She sounds so lovely.  My Garrett is my best friend and my son.  He had one blue eye and one green eye, the only of my children to get my green eyes and ... he could make me laugh, oh how he could make me laugh.  He had a sense of humor that was unique and spontaneous and very laid back.  I love and miss him so much, every second of every day.   I am thinking of you and your precious Neysa and this horrible nightmare of a journey we all have been unwillingly forced to take.

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Morning to all,

I have been thinking of you all.  I am lost and broken, as usual this morning.  My one moment of peace with with the birds that Garrett so loved is gone.  Now I have a horde of demon catbirds that have taken over my feeder area.   I did get the bluejay (it was the two groups)  to move on but these catbirds are just horrible.  I had so many woodpeckers and no matter how I put food out for them the catbirds devour it within the hour.  Since hitting six months (two months ago) i have been even worse, crying, screaming at the heavens... and I did not think worse was possible. 

Hello, Neysa... I too have the problem that I am afraid people will forget Garrett, so many now will not say his name and for me it makes me so angry... I feel it dishonors him and his life and all that he did and still does for those close to him. 

I love my Garrett and god I miss him.   AS you all can tell, I am already weepy, crying and absolutely miserable,   I am existing, if you can even call it that.

love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

morning all , i have always said it.....we exist , we no longer live......jackie, it is my opinion , (we still have a lot of B's friends showing up at home and they know that they are always welcome ,( my wife even buys different beers as some will have coors lite and others michelob ultra) ...they are welcome to go into the fridge and take whatever they want without asking , we consider all of B s close friends our adopted kids. but we know that they will move on and forget about B , not completely but they will ....even nikki , my daughter , who loved her brother more than herself , will eventually remember him and still have a piece of broken heart but will be able to ,move on........we the parents are the ones that will carry the pain thru our existence , never to have normality ever again. never to enjoy a birthday or a xmas or any other special day.....this is our cross to carry , conmes with the territory i guess , i remember when he was born , i remember his childhood ,him growing up...the headaches , the midnight worries ....i would go to bed and i would wake up and look at the bottom of my bedroom door  to see if there was any light still showing .

as long as there was light showing that meant that brian wasnt home yet.....when i could not see any more light , meant he got home and put off the lights ...... so, now i could finally sleep peacefully as my grown son was already at home. but he was still my baby boy , i did not care he was almost 29 ....... how can we not love our kids , how can we not suffer their pain, how can we not still and forever suffer not having them close to us, reaching out to them .......we are b rought into this world to create life and then we lkeave it to the next generation, it is against nature that our kids should go before we do .....sorry all the venting and yiberish ......i just miss and love my son and i needed a good cry.....feeling sorry for myself 

[Changed]

Lisa, how are you coping today?   I know it will be extra sad - I’m thinking of you.  Please take care - you will have been building up to this first anniversary for quite a while and you may be surprised at the state of anticlimax now it’s arrived - I know that we who have been talking here for a few years have found that to be so.   Still sad and full of regret though , as always.   Love,  Roz

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you Michael for talking to me...  I have been crying this morning as well, I have an unending supply of tears, inside and out.    I do not think you are feeling sorry for yourself... You are missing B.  there is a big difference.   I am missing Garrett and his companionship and his jokes and laughs. 

love and hugs,

Jackie 

[Michael Rodriguez]

7 minutes ago, Changed said:

Lisa, how are you coping today?   I know it will be extra sad - I’m thinking of you.  Please take care - you will have been building up to this first anniversary for quite a while and you may be surprised at the state of anticlimax now it’s arrived - I know that we who have been talking here for a few years have found that to be so.   Still sad and full of regret though , as always.   Love,  Roz

Im also asking Lisa , how are you holding on? it is just as bad as the last 364 and will be the same tomorrow. when i got close to april 14 was just anxious if something worst was to happen , it came and went just as the rest of every other day....was the same pain and same sorrow , nothing changed

[Jacqueline3]

I am thinking of you too LIsa.and holding you hand.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Robert C.]

Morning everyone, it feels like the love of life has been sucked out of us as well. We do the same thing every day. We just go through the motions. Take care of what has to be done and to hell with the rest of it. In my mind I think of something to do that we might enjoy but ten seconds later the thought has turned sour because I remember Patrick would have enjoyed this, but now I'm sad and don't want to do a thing. 

Just existence. The world has moved on. His friends have moved on, which they have to do at their age, all of them being 30+ yrs some with families, all with bills to pay. The calls have ended. We are left with the memory of his death, sitting in the hospice room watching him slowly pass away, not able to say a word .....and we cry

[Judith fay]

Robert,

I have relived the night my daughter died everyday for almost 22 months  now. I do the samethings everyday. Before I laydown and try to sleep I here the paramedic  tellung me she didn't  make it. I see everyone around me moving on and I just can't.  I had a really bad meltdown  Tuesday

I was angry at my daughter for leaving me  and her kids behind. I cried the rest of the day. I dont think that  time will heal me. I am forever changed. Patrick  just like  my christina would want us to still enjoy our lives and be happy again. I hope that one day we can both find life happy again.

Jackie,

Thank you so much for checking on me.

Somedays I just cant function . Getting on here reading all your thoughts and talking about your Garrett. Your compassion for everyone is AMAZING.  I am thinking of all of you and pray for a way for all of us to keep moving forward.

Mom of   my Angels Christina and Dasha

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

47 minutes ago, Judith fay said:

Robert,

I have relived the night my daughter died everyday for almost 22 months  now. I do the samethings everyday. Before I laydown and try to sleep I here the paramedic  tellung me she didn't  make it. I see everyone around me moving on and I just can't.  I had a really bad meltdown  Tuesday

I was angry at my daughter for leaving me  and her kids behind. I cried the rest of the day. I dont think that  time will heal me. I am forever changed. Patrick  just like  my christina would want us to still enjoy our lives and be happy again. I hope that one day we can both find life happy again.

Jackie,

Thank you so much for checking on me.

Somedays I just cant function . Getting on here reading all your thoughts and talking about your Garrett. Your compassion for everyone is AMAZING.  I am thinking of all of you and pray for a way for all of us to keep moving forward.

Mom of   my Angels Christina and Dasha

 

i relieve the moment the doctor stepped out of the ICU and told me that B did not make it ......i was all alone in that waiting room since 7:00 pm the night before , i had the feeling that he was not going to make it , but i still had some hope .....i just felt dizzy and landed on the floor ...that was 11:50 am wed april 14 2021. i relieve that moment over and over again

[NiquesMom]

My husband wants to quit dialysis because he hurts too much. Do I support his decision or encourage him to keep fighting? 

I didn't have to do this with nique, and I am so scared of making the wrong choices or saying the wrong thing.

 

[Changed]

Virginia - I don’t know what I’m talking about - but I didn’t know it was painful . Is Christopher cramping ?  I would imagine he has informed his team so they can give him meds to relieve the pain .  I wouldn’t encourage him to stop or keep going until they have tried to make him comfortable - it is ultimately his own choice , of course,  but hopefully it can be overcome.

Such a lot to face for you all.     Roz x 

[Mason’s Mom]

Lisa, I know how hard this day has been. Words are of so little comfort.  Just know we are here.

Virginia I can't imagine the stress of your situation. I imagine Christopher is tired. Will he have to have dialysis the rest of his life?

I have been struggling so much pain and stress. Just want a moment of peace. 

Carol 

[Jacqueline3]

Evening all, It is late and I am home from work, where I thought of Garrett all night.

Robert, those horrible last moments are the ones that come to torture us, I remember seeing bubbles of blood come out of my precious Garretts mouth as he clung to life and I begged him to stay with me.  Ever time I have that thought I get sick and have to fight throwing up.  I have been trying instead to remember him laughing hysterically or telling me one of his corny jokes.  I have been doing my best (sometimes my best really sucks!)  not to relieve those horrible moments but the ones we shared in love and happiness, even ones where we were at odds are better than those horrible moments.   I know Garrett would want me to remember him in a different light... that is the thought I try to keep in my head... Garrett deserves to be thought of when he was at his best...   And again my efforts are mediocre at best but I keep trying...and yes I cried all day today, just wanted Garrett to come home.

Lisa, You have been on my mind.

Carol, I am sorry you are having such a hard time, Are you done with the tournament and selection of recipients?  Can you rest?  I know this has to be so hard on you.

Virginia, I am so sorry for all you are going through.  I agree with Roz is there anything they can give him to make the dialysis less uncomfortable and painful for him.  I am sending love and prayers to all of you and wishing a positive turn for Christopher.

Judith, you are my friend!  I have days too (many, many days) that I cannot function, I am barely even existing. . You showed me a picture of your beautiful Christina...  I do not know how to live this life Judith but we can do it together, all of us here at this place we never wanted to be.  We do it for our children that were so wrongly taken from us and for those left here that still need us  and we do it for each other.   I need you Judith and everyone on this site to keep me sane on days when I cannot keep myself sane .  I know you have lost your two girls Judith but hang on to me and all of us and i will most definitely hang back, I am struggling without Garrett.

Just because Garrett is always on my mind... When he was a little boy, in the second grade, he was asked to list one way we as people could conserve water....  His answer was

"Drink Milk"

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Robert C.]

It seems so strange to me that people scattered all over the place and at different parts/places of this horrible journey can have the same thoughts at roughly the same time, just uncanny. It's happened twice that I can think of in our group. It's quite possible that we cycle through the same series of thoughts every day so we are bound to be thinking about the same thing. 

My mind has been stuck "waiting for God" to take me just so I can be with Patrick again. I know this sounds morbid but as he died I did too. Now I will gladly welcome death as soon as it comes. Not suicidal by any stretch. Just ready for a release of the pain. Until that happens I will continue to exist. 

It's a shame we don't have a doctor moderating at times like this. Oh well y'all take care, I'm not in a happy place right now. Time to turn in for the night. 

[NiquesMom]

Hello all,

Christopher has a pressure sore on his tailbone. He is in constant pain. It is a double edged sword that he needs to move to help it heal but it hurts to move.

Reliving the final day: I used to do that everyday, I would lay in bed and cry my eyes out and remember that long walk down the hospital hallway. As I get further into this, it doesnt happen as often. I remember people telling me not to focus on the last day. I had 18 years with her and she is more than just that last day.

Robert, I known what you mean. Waiting for death. I am not suicidal but when Nique died I felt it would be fine for the good lord to take me as soon as possible. Now, with my husband so ill, my 9 year old needs me, more than ever. The only reason I think I continued was for kyle. He was only 4 when she died and He deserves to have a mom trying to be here for him.

Her birthday is in a few weeks. We always had a swimming party for her. I miss the chaos that was my life when it was all 4 of us.

[Changed]

Jackie, you managed something very unusual on here - you gave me a chuckle when you told us what young Garrett had advised about saving water - drink milk!   Lovely, thanks.    
I try hard to think of happier times with David and not be stuck in thoughts surrounding his death - I seem to be more inclined to go right back to him as a little boy where life was as it should be and there was lots more to come.  We were fortunate to have that time.    If I try to recall more recent happy times I inevitably focus on how close to his end we were without our knowing it -  it’s sad that a dark cloud has fallen on happy memories.    
I’m sorry I cannot be more forthcoming with information about my son’s death - it is nothing sinister but his widow is a public figure and she asks me not to share their details on a public forum.   This place is, although it feels very private , open to anyone to view .  
Although everyone here lost their child in very many different ways we all come together in our grief and I focus on that.     Take care,  Roz 

 

[Changed]

Carol, it is unusual for you to sound so exhausted- can you go to ground for a while and catch your breath ?   You have been coping with such a lot of late and it sounds as if your batteries need a good  recharging.  The years of grief can leave little strength for when we need it for other pressing, worrying times in our lives - we find it from somewhere but I don’t think it comes without a cost .  Virginia is having to dig deep too at the moment .   
Have you now completed the tournament and decisions ? - that would be an enormous relief that you can now relax.    Of course, family health matters will always be the biggest concern - that will never end - I think I am on high alert at all times . 
Important that you take care of yourself right now , Carol,  remember the advice when you fly = put your own oxygen mask on first otherwise you wont be able to help anyone else and you will become the casualty.

I saw David in a dream again last night - it was brief .  He was well - he was walking in a hurry and I called to him to show him a petition I had about something or other.  He was wearing a foreign style pill box hat in a burgundy colour.  We are Scottish stock - he was very fair skinned with pale eye colour - we burn easily so I was glad to see he was wearing that odd hat.    How bizarre that I feel today , as a mum, that I’m pleased about that.   I just told my husband about it but it made him cry. 

I was up in London this week and on Wednesday I went with my daughter as her +1 to Buckingham Palace for the Queen’s garden party.   It poured raining all day - everyone dressed up like dog’s dinners getting soaked.  Queen not there but Prince Charles and Camilla were , along with Princess Anne and a host of others.  Not really my cup of tea but a huge experience- nice to be with my daughter though.  It was all an awful effort to keep up the jolly but I did ok and pushed away miserable thoughts of how I would have liked to have been telling Dave all about our visit.   He would have laughed .   Maybe that is why he was in a random dream .  Even being aware that I’ve had any dream at all is rare for me .

Hope you can get a restful weekend in mind and body.  Roz

[Michael Rodriguez]

7 hours ago, Robert C. said:

It seems so strange to me that people scattered all over the place and at different parts/places of this horrible journey can have the same thoughts at roughly the same time, just uncanny. It's happened twice that I can think of in our group. It's quite possible that we cycle through the same series of thoughts every day so we are bound to be thinking about the same thing. 

My mind has been stuck "waiting for God" to take me just so I can be with Patrick again. I know this sounds morbid but as he died I did too. Now I will gladly welcome death as soon as it comes. Not suicidal by any stretch. Just ready for a release of the pain. Until that happens I will continue to exist. 

It's a shame we don't have a doctor moderating at times like this. Oh well y'all take care, I'm not in a happy place right now. Time to turn in for the night. 

good morning , the first few months i felt very strong about death , same as you not "suicidal" but i was ready to go and be with my son......after 1 year has gone by , i am still ready to go whenever im called , but i no longer are desperate to die as i was at the very beginning of this horrible journey. i have found that finding some quiet time and reach out to God and the Virgen Mary (im catholic so i ask ´people to forgive me if they are offended) has helped me heal some , i am not a devoted , go to church everyday read the scriptures type of guy , but i feel a sense of comfort on just asking for the well being of B´s soul. and having faith that indeed, when my time comes, he will be waiting for me.

[Michael Rodriguez]

14 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

My husband wants to quit dialysis because he hurts too much. Do I support his decision or encourage him to keep fighting? 

I didn't have to do this with nique, and I am so scared of making the wrong choices or saying the wrong thing.

 

 

14 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

My husband wants to quit dialysis because he hurts too much. Do I support his decision or encourage him to keep fighting? 

I didn't have to do this with nique, and I am so scared of making the wrong choices or saying the wrong thing.

 

virginia, i will regret for the rest of my life not having a second opinion and just doing what brian wanted to do ....i will blame myself for not being able to sit down and think about what we were about to do .........will his life not be at risk leaving dialysis?

how do doctors feel abvout his decission ......im sorry , here i am puting even ,more pressure on your head ........really have nothing worth while to say as i cant imagine the hell you are going thru right now.

[Jacqueline3]

Morning all,

It is raining here, another grey day, just what I needed.  I have been crying spontaneously, more than usual (how is that possible?).

Robert I too died when I lost Garrett and the idea of moving on to the next plane does not fill me with the fear that it one time did.  Being with my son, makes me happy.  I am not suicidal either, which is the first thing people say if I menton anything... (it is a mistake I made when this nightmare began, I am more careful now.)  and isn't is a shame we cannot just talk and express ourselves and our pain.   it is a dilemma to me that I can feel so dead inside yet sitil writhe with the most agonizing pain I have ever experienced, all at the same time.

Michael, I wish Garrett's "two best friends" would at least call,  The three of them did everything together.  I have not heard from them once.   It breaks my heart and makes me angry for Garrett.  Garrett  deserved better.  They moved on without so much as a :"Miss you buddy." or checking on his family.  I know Garrett, he would have checked on their families (because of his friendship) continually.   If i think about it, it fills me with rage so I try not to think about it.   If I mention it, then I am accused of wanting everyone to know my pain or wanting attention (from my one brother).  Personally I would rather crawl in a hole and wallow in my misery alone yet it would have been a respect they showed to Garrett and their long friendship.  it just makes me sad.

Roz, I am glad I made you chuckle.  Garrett loved his milk!  I can barely have it in the house now, but there are times I need it to cook, which too has become a chore.  I am glad you saw David in your dreams.  Your adventure in London sounds interesting... it would be an experience, I am sorry you could not tell David in person but tell him anyway.

Virginia, I am sorry to hear of the pressure sore.  I know they can grow to a decent size and be very painful.  Healing will make the skin tight and even more painful.    Anything they can give him to soften the skin around the pulling....Please forgive me if I am being intrusive..My Grandmother had them and it was difficult years ago to find anything that would help.  I was hoping they had made some advancements.

Carol, i hope you are feeling better,.  Lisa how are you this morning?   Judith, I am thinking of you.   I am thinking of everyone, all who do not post as often as well.  Take care everyone...

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Ramona66]

9 hours ago, Robert C. said:

It seems so strange to me that people scattered all over the place and at different parts/places of this horrible journey can have the same thoughts at roughly the same time, just uncanny. It's happened twice that I can think of in our group. It's quite possible that we cycle through the same series of thoughts every day so we are bound to be thinking about the same thing. 

My mind has been stuck "waiting for God" to take me just so I can be with Patrick again. I know this sounds morbid but as he died I did too. Now I will gladly welcome death as soon as it comes. Not suicidal by any stretch. Just ready for a release of the pain. Until that happens I will continue to exist. 

It's a shame we don't have a doctor moderating at times like this. Oh well y'all take care, I'm not in a happy place right now. Time to turn in for the night. 

 

Good morning All

 

Robert - my thoughts exactly. 

 

Good bless you all!

[Judith fay]

Hey all,

Had a bad night. My daughter comes to me in my dreams and she keeps telling me MOM  It's  not over keep digging. I have alot of Questions about how she died! Her boyfriend knows more then he is saying. 

I am dying inside. I am feeling  hopeless. 

I feel like my  world is never going to be the same or get better

Mom of Christina and Dasha

[Robert C.]

Judith keep digging until your satisfied you have the truth. Jackie, your right, never make that comment in public. I once did at the Dr's office. Now I fill out the suicide form everytime I go in for a checkup. Now if I hear anything that remotely sounds like that question the answer is Nope. Never. 

[Jacqueline3]

Judith, listen to Christina, I do not believe in coincidences....  You deserve to know the truth, but be damned careful!!!     If her boyfriend is hiding something, HE DOES NOT WANT IT FOUND!   BE CAREFUL  Have the police spoken to him?  Will they help you?  I know I have spoken about my eldest daughter's assault.   The people that hurt her were merciless, there is massive damage to her insides.   People can be cruel and evil.... please get help from someone who deals with these kinds of people.  Judith I am here for you any time you want to talk!

Robert, I have not made the mistake again....I am with you, that is my answer as well, No, not at all.

Thinking of everyone,

love and hugs Jackie  .

 

[Changed]

Yet another week gone by.   Thinking of you all .

I was shocked when after a few months of losing Dave a nurse practitioner at our local surgery ( as I was getting an annual blood test)  was making small talk and asked if I’d been away.  - I’d just returned from Australia and scattering my son’s ashes..  I started heavy crying and she was actually worried for me  - that I was ‘still’ so distressed !     No wonder we clam up when confronted with such ignorance.  
For me, only a parent who has lost their own child could possibly understand just how complex this grief is.   How totally devastating it can be.   How we can be depressed but not be clinically depressed,   how we can be feeling guilt at being alive when our child isn’t and not care about ourselves but not be suicidal.     
However,  we have had members on this forum who have attempted suicide.  Members who have turned to the bottle or leant too heavily on prescription meds to cope.  
I believe that talking to each other here offers an insight into what is ‘normal’ in this abnormal state we are in.   It allows parents to say what they feel and how all embracing the pain is and ,hopefully, offers them some comfort .    Roz

 

[NiquesMom]

When I started having trouble sleeping i went to a dr (new dr because we had moved). I explained about my daughter and not sleeping and needing some help. 4 years later they still have my file marked as Depression. I got so mad because even though I am depressed at times I think it makes perfect sense and i do not need any meds for it. All I went in for was help to get some sleep. I told them to take it off my file.

Never tell anyone that you are sad or dont fear death, it gets put in a file forever.

I dont know if the dialysis is forever. Trying to get that information to help christopher decide what he wants to do. He doesnt want to die but he is so tired.

I dont get many dreams of nique, so I cherish everyone.

I am tired of being tired.

[Michael Rodriguez]

2 hours ago, Changed said:

Yet another week gone by.   Thinking of you all .

I was shocked when after a few months of losing Dave a nurse practitioner at our local surgery ( as I was getting an annual blood test)  was making small talk and asked if I’d been away.  - I’d just returned from Australia and scattering my son’s ashes..  I started heavy crying and she was actually worried for me  - that I was ‘still’ so distressed !     No wonder we clam up when confronted with such ignorance.  
For me, only a parent who has lost their own child could possibly understand just how complex this grief is.   How totally devastating it can be.   How we can be depressed but not be clinically depressed,   how we can be feeling guilt at being alive when our child isn’t and not care about ourselves but not be suicidal.     
However,  we have had members on this forum who have attempted suicide.  Members who have turned to the bottle or leant too heavily on prescription meds to cope.  
I believe that talking to each other here offers an insight into what is ‘normal’ in this abnormal state we are in.   It allows parents to say what they feel and how all embracing the pain is and ,hopefully, offers them some comfort .    Roz

 

roz, you are right....at least i feel that this group has help me cope with the reality of my new existence better than any shrink or counseling. i believe that i am able to cope better with the reality than my wife does .,....her mood is always bad , and i can understand her (BTW she is a very good painter, she has won several awards world wide) , my mother in law lives with us and she has dementia , which i understand is not as bad as alzheimers but still cruel. so dealing with her all day must be rough , ive ask her to join this group and she says that she will not express herself to strangers.....ive told her , that we are not strangers anymore, we know how we all feel and what is hurting us the most and what we are going thru. i wish she would seek help ..... think her biggest problem is her sister , lives in sarasota and will not take responsibilities over her mom....today she is having this huge wedding in Roatan, Bay Islands (which is here in Honduras) my mother in law fell last thursday , 4 stitches in her chin , couple of broken tooth and broken pinky finger .....as soon as the wedding is over , she is headed back to the states instead of taking a 50 minute flight from the islands to Tegucigalpa to visit her mom.....sorry but i had to get it out of my chest

[Jacqueline3]

Morning all... I have stopped seeing the therapist I was seeing.  She was okay and listened without judgement but did not offer anything.  All of you  have experienced what I am going through, are unwillingly, like me, standing in the same shoes.  we do it together minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.   there are times when I am sinking and one of you or several will come to my mind and know you are with me in this same hideous boat we are trying to keep afloat.  It gives me comfort and I do not feel so very alone.  

My cousin was "kind enough" to call the other day then made the remark..."Don't you have closure yet?" as if I were a freak and then talked about her kids and life...  I will never have closure and my life and my person will never ever be the same... part of me is missing, taken without my consent from my life.... I miss Garrett and the longer I write the more tears fall.

Michael, I do wish your wife would speak with us.... My husband will not either... 

Judith, I am thinking of you and hoping you have found someone to help you.

Virginia, I hope Christopher can find a burst of energy and a decrease in pain. 

I have only had two dreams of Garrett and in both he is a small boy and I am running around frantically telling myself I still had time to save him, I have to get the doctors to find the problem with his liver  Then suddenly I run into a door and I realize it is already too late, Garrett is gone and I did not save him.   I wake up a mess and remain that way for several days. 

Just thinking about it, I am crying harder.   I miss my boy so damned much.  I still look down the hall from my spare bedroom, where I sew thinking I will see him step out of his room, that lovable grin on his face..

love and hugs to all

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

5 minutes ago, Jacqueline3 said:

Morning all... I have stopped seeing the therapist I was seeing.  She was okay and listened without judgement but did not offer anything.  All of you  have experienced what I am going through, are unwillingly, like me, standing in the same shoes.  we do it together minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.   there are times when I am sinking and one of you or several will come to my mind and know you are with me in this same hideous boat we are trying to keep afloat.  It gives me comfort and I do not feel so very alone.  

My cousin was "kind enough" to call the other day then made the remark..."Don't you have closure yet?" as if I were a freak and then talked about her kids and life...  I will never have closure and my life and my person will never ever be the same... part of me is missing, taken without my consent from my life.... I miss Garrett and the longer I write the more tears fall.

Michael, I do wish your wife would speak with us.... My husband will not either... 

Judith, I am thinking of you and hoping you have found someone to help you.

Virginia, I hope Christopher can find a burst of energy and a decrease in pain. 

I have only had two dreams of Garrett and in both he is a small boy and I am running around frantically telling myself I still had time to save him, I have to get the doctors to find the problem with his liver  Then suddenly I run into a door and I realize it is already too late, Garrett is gone and I did not save him.   I wake up a mess and remain that way for several days. 

Just thinking about it, I am crying harder.   I miss my boy so damned much.  I still look down the hall from my spare bedroom, where I sew thinking I will see him step out of his room, that lovable grin on his face..

love and hugs to all

Jackie

i do the same , i head upstairs to our bedrooms and ill look at the end of the hall and say " hi brian, love you brian" just as i did before .....i would get home around 7 and as iwalked to my bedroom to take a shower , he would be coming out of the shower himself and walking into his bedroom .......a person i know , he is older than i am , but we went to the same school ....lost his son 21 years ago in a car accident , he was 15 !!! he till misses his son everyday .....so all we newbies should get true to the idea that this is our life going forward 

[Jacqueline3]

I recognized that this was a new life, the day I lost Garrett, yet the reality of that realization takes a while to sink in and it is a painful, agonizing realization..  And that this pain and longing, while they may morph and take on different forms from time to time are emotions and needs we will walk with for the rest of our lives.  it is a bitter pill to swallow... I just want Garrett to come home.

love and hugs to you all

jackie..

[Changed]

Jackie , those dreams are horrible.  You poor thing - you are in misery all day long without taking it into your sleep.    I wish that you could ‘forgive’ yourself for something you couldn’t control.   You would be the first to reassure anyone that they should not hold themselves to blame for their child’s death, no matter how similar the circumstances to your own , wouldn’t you?   We all look for answers, reasons, blame - as if any of that can change what has happened to our families.   You did not cause Garrett’s death - you did everything expected of you and put your trust in the doctors  - please try to stop punishing yourself.  
I remember talking with Carol about when we meet our children again - after the hugs and kisses our conversation will  focus only briefly on their death, or our own death, but rather the whole of our time here and what we got up to.    
It’s said that such profound grief does not change in any way but as time passes our lives grow bigger around it so that it becomes part of our lives rather than all of it as it is in the early months or more.        It is a huge effort to carry on - but honestly it will not always be so hard.  Roz

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you Roz  I miss so much just talking to Garret and hugging him close..  It is so lonely without him here. 

love and hugs

Jackie

[Dianas Mom]

This is my first post here. On April 18th, I lost my beautiful daughter, Diana. I'm now a member of a club no parent ever wants to join. I've read a number of the posts here and my heart aches for each of you. I've had friends who have lost a child in the past. I felt so sorry for them and couldn't even imagine how painful it would be should I lose a child. Now I know. There are no words to describe the pain. When my daughter was born, I knew I'd been given a precious gift to care for, protect, nurture and love. I cradled her in my arms, marveled at how beautiful she was, felt her warmth and soft skin next to mine, kissed her gently and held her close. I never thought I would one day bury her. Every day is one more day I'll never again see her smile or hear her laugh or tell her that I love her. I know the heartbreak each of you are suffering. The grief is brutal. I am crushed and just want to go to sleep at night and never wake up.

[Changed]

Hello Diana’s mom,  I am truly sorry that you have lost your daughter , Diana, and are now filled with such a sadness that no one would think possible.  You will be so raw .   
We have parents on this site who have also recently lost their own child - I believe you will find some degree of comfort just knowing that they understand and share what you are feeling.

My name is Roz and I find it unbelievable that my handsome, kind son,  David,  died five and a half years ago.  
Please feel free to join us here as much or as little as you wish.
Strength to you as you face each day,  Roz

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dear Diana's Mom,  My name is Jackie.  I am so sorry for you loss.   I lost my precious Garrett 8 months ago, He was just 22 years old..  I never knew pain before that moment..My heart is shattered yet it continues to bleed tears of agonizing pain and longing..  Know that you are not alone, even though it will seem like that at times.  We are here for you always and we are walking the same unwanted path that you now walk.

love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Hi diana. I lost my 18 year old daughter 4.5 years ago.

Still seems weird to say that.

Know that we all understand the feelings and thoughts you have. You are not crazy and I guarantee someone on here can echo what you feel on any given day. Meaning you are not alone.

[Jacqueline3]

Morning all,  I wonder if there will ever be a time when I can put a "good" in front of that.   At this moment in time I cannot even fathom that.  The beginning of another week on this heinous journey.  I miss Garrett so much, I just want to sit and cry.   I hope everyone is doing okay and at least holding their own.  I am sad, broken and feeling rather hopeless.   I have still been fighting the demon birds that have taken over my feeding area for the lovely birds that would come.... It saddens me beyond measure and makes me feel even more alone.  Jolene has several tests this week so I am hoping for the best.  Carol, I hope your daughter is doing better..   Judith I hope you have found someone that will help you with your search for answers.

Bradley and Diana's Mom, I am thinking of you and your families as you begin this unwanted journey.

I have been thinking of Neysa, how are you?

To all, I hope you were at least able to sleep a little this weekend,

love and hugs,

jackie

[NiquesMom]

My baby is 9 today. Love him and wish Nique was here to celebrate with us.

[Jacqueline3]

Happy Birthday Kyle.  I wish too Nique was with you all.  How is Christopher?  How are you holding up?  Thinking of you all.

How is everyone this morning?  I am the same, sad and broken...

thinking of you all

Jackie

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

happy b'day kyle !!!! come on ,let us make it a happy day for kyle. poor kid has gone thru so much. just think how many 9 years old have had to endure what kyle has had too !!!!!! im sure it will make him a better man for the future but in the mean time he is just a kid 

[Mason’s Mom]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KYLE

[Lisa M.]

Happy birthday day Kyle!

[Changed]

Virginia,  gosh,  Kyle’s nine already?   Massive birthday wishes to him.  Have you got anything fun planned ?
if Kyle has not seen this problem solver before maybe he could give it a go……..

a farmer has two fields - each of them on opposite sides of a river.    He has a rowing boat to get between the two.

In field A he has a fox,  a chicken and a bag of seed.   He has no cages or pens.   He wants to move all three to field B but he can only take one at a time.  
If the fox is left alone with the chicken he will eat it.   If the chicken is left with the seed she will eat it.

How does the farmer solve this dilemma?    Roz x 

( of course no one said he couldn’t take them in the boat more than once…

he takes the chicken over to field B.  leaves the fox and seeds in field A  Returns to A and collects the seed and takes that over to B.   Returns with the chicken and leaves her in A.   Collects the fox and takes over to field B where seed now is.  Returns for and collects the chicken from field A and takes her to join the fox and seed in field B.       Job done, Kyle) 

[Changed]

Jackie,  I hope Jolene is improving and her tests are encouraging - all these extra worries can weigh very heavy.   How is work going, have you settled in now?  Roz

[NiquesMom]

Thanks you all for the birthday wishes. We celebrated with dad on sunday and party with his friends yesterday. He had a lot of fun so I think it was a success.

I believe he will be a better adult after losing his sister and dealing with this hospital stay. I hope he has empathy and a kind heart like he does now.

I swear I heard Nique last night. Laying in bed, not yet asleep i heard clear as day "mom!"  Turned over because I thought kyle needed me but he was sound asleep. Had to be her.

Christopher is ok, it was hard for him to not be home for the party. But he is still fighting. Hope to have him home in july.

[Michael Rodriguez]

i am so glad that kyle had fun and such great news that now yoy have a day for christopher to be home ....now you can count the weeks and not dread the months behind !!!! so glad for you virginia , and as far for nique , i envy you ......i wish for that every night that i will hear B call me dad or mike ,,,,dont care