Loss of an Adult Child

[NiquesMom]

I feel like I missed a lot.

Jackie, my best advice is to only share your pain and true feelings with those willing to hear you. If your family cannot hear you, you cant force them to. Very few people talk to me of Nique, which really depresses me, but I can't make them mention her. Normally when I talk of her it is a memory, something she would have liked to see or do. I talk with Kyle a lot because he will ask if his sister would have liked whatever we were doing. But I keep my tears for myself. I know most people dont know how to respond so I try not to bother them. Because it hurts more when they dont respond in the way I need.

Trying to move forward with kyle, trying to keep in touch with Christopher family but only the ones that ever tried with me. The rest of them can live with their regrets for not making more of an effort with their brother while he was alive. I have a few regrets but not many. We all have different paths to walk and I am trying not to worry about them on their path. While they are my sons relatives, I dont have to try as much as I did when my husband was alive.

I try to tuck my pain inside and only let it out when I am around people that support me.

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you Virginia, I think of you and Kyle often.

[Mason’s Mom]

3 hours ago, Jacqueline3 said:

Thank you Carol,   I am glad Morgan was able to go.   I have not been able to go back to the cemetery myself yet.  How is Morgan doing?

Jackie

Morgan is better,  thanks for asking.  How is Jolene?

My husband is having a bladder scope on Tuesday,  so I hope it goes well. 

[Jacqueline3]

I am glad Morgan is doing better.  Jolene is doing okay, they have run test to see if she has an autoimmune disease that affects the iron in her blood using it up.    She is still way too thin and has trouble keeping food down.  she has to have a bone marrow biopsy to age the tissues of her tissues due to the Ehlers Danlos syndrome. but they are waiting for several months since the biopsy is invasive and hard on the body.

I will be thinking about your husband on Tuesday, I wish him the best.

love and hugs

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

I keep dreaming my husband is alive. Why? I didn't do this when Nique died. Or my parents. I know he is dead, I watched the last breathe. So why do I keep making plans in my dreams that he is coming home? Anyone else experience this?

[Jacqueline3]

I am sorry Virginia.  I do not have that... just dreams that Garrett is young and I have time to find the anomaly with his liver and time to save him and always at the end I realize its too late.

My guess, and it is just my guess is that you lived for so long with Your husband in the hospital struggling to get well and heal that perhaps your mind is protecting you in your sleep from the reality.  It is just an assumption, but I do know the mind is  powerful and it can protect us when we need it....  I am with you and Kyle.  as always, keep talking and I will listen.

love and hugs,

Jackie

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

believe it or not , i went to see my sister last night and her husband passed away 17 years ago really young ....i believe he was 57 years old, had an aneurism that caused a stroke that left him paralyzed on his right side......terrific engineer had a great career building bridges and was playing golf when it happened. when he was young , played professional baseball , great center field , did all kinds of sports and he was the poster man for health ....yet it happened.

lasted 4 years after the stroke , my sister was telling him how often he would have recurrent dreams of him exactly of what you are saying , so i guess jackie's theory might have some merit to it 

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  I hope the dreams are good. Maybe it is coping method for you to dream of Christopher. I am still waiting for good dreams of Mason. 

My husband's test did not show any signs of cancer or a tumor. So good news.

Michael it doesn't make sense sometimes for perfectly healthy people to get sick or die.  Sounds like an amazing guy. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

[Dianas Mom]

I'm not living, just existing. Broken, shattered, no end to the despair, all I feel is pain. I tell myself that I need to be grateful for what I have, but I don't feel grateful, just lost and alone with grief that never stops. I have the memories of my daughter Diana, but she is gone forever. I will never again see her smile, hear her laugh, hold her close in my arms, tell her I love her. The children we have lost would want us to go forward and find peace and comfort. We are all changed forever, a part of us has died with them. I try to hang on, then I think if I could just go to sleep and never wake up again, I would have peace.

[Changed]

Dear Diana’s mom,     The all encompassing pain that you are suffering is very familiar and sadly there is no healthy way to make it stop.   Your grief for Diana is something that all of us here fully understand and the finality of it all hits us repeatedly like hammer blows.   I wish there was something I could do or say to lessen your hurt .

Your grief will alter over time to become something more manageable and you’ll be able to regain some control but you will not stop loving and missing your daughter , nor would you want to. 
 

In the early months of losing my son , David,  I felt like I was going insane with the horror of it all - I don’t know how I survived or if I even cared if I did or not.     You are not alone in feeling as you do after your life has been devastated.       We are here for you ,  Roz 
 

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Dear Carol,   Such a relief for you all with your husband’s results - I hope you will feel a good bit of weight lifted from your head and heart.     Really good news.  Roz x

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Virginia,    Do those dreams make it harder for you when you wake up  - that it’s not true?   I hope that you are doing ‘ok ‘ given what you have gone through.   It would be lovely to have Christopher visit in your dreams healthy again but odd that in them you’re still making plans for his return from hospital .   Maybe your head is still trying to catch up and process everything as you had to resist being too optimistic for so long whilst he was ill .    Roz x   

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Jackie,   How are you today?   I hope that the words with your family from the weekend have quietened down and you are more steady.   It’s not healthy to have lots of extra emotional stress dumped on you as you are pretty much to max capacity already.    Keep out of the firing range and let them consider how they are helping (!) without trying to justify themselves and winding you up all the more.    Roz x
 

[Changed]

Robert,   Are you still reading here?   I hope that you are .   Our heads are full to the brim with all the thoughts surrounding our lost children - mine buzzes along all the time going over and over the same ones .   It is so miserable to be without them .   Take care,  Roz x

[NiquesMom]

I just woke up from a nightmare. Called the facility to see if Christopher ashes were in and they said he was there on a vent. I was screaming at the manager, asking how he could be on a vent. I already made this hard decision once, how could they do this to me?? Terrible terrible dream. So tired of these dreams.

[Jacqueline3]

Virginia, honey, I am so sorry.   How are you now?  I am thinking of you....

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

good morning, i feel for you virginia ....that struggle that you are going thru must be unbearable .......just vent...we are all here for you

[Judith fay]

NiquesMom,

I have had bad nightmares since my Christina  died. The one I had a few nights ago was bad The funeral  home called me and said Christina is ready to be picked up I rushed down and they had lost her  ashes..

I woke up crying and shaking all over

I wish i could wake up from this nightmare I have been living  since July 23,2020

I miss my girl and still cant believe  she is never coming  back home. I relive the night they told me we couldn't  save her every night before i go to sleep. I hate the nights now I have no peace only heatache. I feel broken. 

Mom of Christina and Dasha my 2 😇 

 

[Danielle Masata]

Hi all. So sorry I’m not regularly responding, but I try to read the entries every night. I have had difficulty getting onto this site. Could be my overactive security system, but I know I’m not the only here who has also had trouble. I can only access this cite on my phone and I’m just not good typing with those tiny keys. 
 

sorry you had a terrible nightmare Virginia. Awful, but it shows how stressful your experience has been these past very hard months. I hope it’s been a good distraction to be back at work. 
 

I’ve had a difficult time with my losses recently. Even though my husband was such a quiet guy, he was always here when I came home. We always talked about whatever outing I had come back from. So often recently, I know he would have loved the neighborhood updates. I also really, really miss his sense of humor. Sometimes it was just a funny twist of words, but at least once a day, he’d throw out a quip about something— usually from something on tv. But I miss those groaner laughs. wish I knew how to replace that!
 

And I’m still struggling with the loss of my Patrick. Coincidentally, I heard my youngest son talking about his brother and it just broke my heart. They were quite close. Is it not a surprise I’m still struggling. Worst part: I just can’t used to being alone.
 

At least it’s summer here. I so appreciate the longer, sunny days. It’s nice having friends or family here for coffee or a glass of wine and sit outside. I dread the colder months and now that we’re past the summer solstice, I know we lose a little bit of sun every day. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Danielle it is good to hear from you.   I can understand your grappling with everything.  You have been dealt so much.    After the run in with my family last week I feel as if I am back at the beginning, what little ground I had made is gone and I cry desperately for Garrett, I ache to hold my son close and tell him how much I love him.   My family is of course acting like everything is normal and the horrible things that were said and done never happened.   I am so tired.

Virginia, I am thinking of you and Kyle.  I hope the dreams become easier...

Judith, I am so sorry you are having dreams as well.  This is a nightmare we are all walking in the most fragile state we have ever been in.  Judith, I am truly glad to hear from you again, please hang on and talk.... I will listen and so will every other Mum and Dad on this sight.  We feel you pain.

thinking of all...

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Hello to all, I hope your weekend is at least a little comforting....  After this fiasco with my family, I feel as if I am back to the beginning.  What little veneer I had built up to help get through the days is gone and I am once again an open copiously bleeding wound.  I know it is a matter of sinking in my heels again and sliding one foot as far as it will go at the moment.   I am so broken and sad and there is rage for the inability of my family to "GET IT".  they showed so little regard for the loss of Garrett that my heart shattered anew.     I want nothing to do with any of them and that is a new sensation for me.  I don't even know what  else to say.... I am just speaking aloud, trying to find some footing where I give a **** about anything again..  My beloved Garrett when he was drawing, I loved to watched him, he always looked so content and happy.

[Jacqueline3]

[Jacqueline3]

One of the last pictures of have of my Precious Garrett.  Having a hell of a time missing my boy....

[NiquesMom]

Jackie that smirk is precious! I hope you stop waiting for your family to change. People rarely do and they showed their true colors already. I know its easy for me to say, but I hope you can find some peace coming here.

Danielle, although I have my 9 year old, I feel so alone. Christopher was my best friend, we did everything together. I miss just holding his hand, always held his hand while we sat on the sofa or drove in the card. Miss chatting about absolutely nothing. Its hard as an adult to make friends, everyone is so busy. Our house is just too quiet now. In 4 years we went from 4 people and 2 dogs to just 2 people. I hate this new life but I am sure I will find my footing again.

It is 4th of july weekend, everyone so concerned about going to bbq, or fireworks. I cannot summon the energy for it. Worry I am failing kyle but maybe he doesnt have the energy either.

I came across some pics from about 7 years ago. Bbq in our backyard, Nique and kyle playing with glow in the dark bracelets, everyone so happy. Miss those days.

[Jacqueline3]

Virginia, what a beautiful smile and her smiling eyes.... Nique is precious!   I am thinking of you.  I do not have the energy to celebrate either...Garrett and I used to talk about everything.... god I miss him!    Love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Dianas Mom]

My daughter Diana reached out to me in my mind today. She looked at me with love and said in a caring voice "I'm with you Mom". She wanted me to know that she is still here with me even though she is physically gone. It was so comforting, if even for just that moment in time. 

[Jacqueline3]

Diana's mom,  hold on to that feeling and the knowledge your daughter gave you.   I do believe our children are close by, I always have.   We need to learn to hear and communicate differently and that is not an easy thing because we miss them so very much..   I am happy for you that you could see and hear your Diana....

Love and Hugs,

Jackie 

[Michael Rodriguez]

[Jacqueline3]

What a handsome young  man Michael and that smile! 

Love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

thanks jackie !!!!! that was my spoiled brat .........i sure miss him

[NiquesMom]

Beautiful smile, michael!!

[Michael Rodriguez]

thanks virginia.....how are you holding on ??? kyle, how is he doing ?

[NiquesMom]

This weekend was rough. Christopher was supposed to be coming home by the 4th of july. I ended up hurting my back yesterday and laid on the bed all day. Dr thinks it might be my grief. Whats weird is I didn't have the health issues when Nique died (not that I remember anyway)

Do any of you have new health issues, or ones made worse, since your loss? I always had intermittent back issues, but this has been ongoing since march. I am just tired of hurting, emotionally and physically.

How are you Michael? If I remember you are planning to move to be closer to your daughter right? How's that going, or correct me if I have it wrong??

[Michael Rodriguez]

my pains , physical ??? i think they come with age !!!! hitting the big 6-0 in september .......my knees , my back ....everything hurts ......no, only way that would happen is if could sell my business .....it was B's !!!!! so i do not have anybody to take over..

it is not huge but we do have 207 permanent employees and about 20-40 temps at any given time.....oh God , i wish i could sell it and retire , but i would not go back to the states and live.....i would retire right here in honduras , i would love to retire in roatan , love scuba diving and fishing ....i lived in the states off and on for most of my life until i was about 28 ....and when my father passed i came back as i was the only single sibling left.....so i came back , got married and got out of the family business and built my own ....now i only visit the states and after 10 days im ready to come back home .

and if you have the means , you are able to have a better lifestyle here with less money that in the states .....for example super markets here are like walking into a winn dixie or a publix.....and then you have walmarts all over the place...ñ.so its very much the sAme culture ..... we are 2 hours away from miami

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My daughter was visiting for this past weekend - it was lovely to see her but I’m left with the saddest , sobering realisation that it has been so long since I’ve seen David and I never will again in this life. Roz

[Dianas Mom]

Roz, My son visited me for a few hours recently. His visit made the loss of Diana even greater, knowing I will never have another visit with her. The grief is relentless, ripping and tearing at my heart. I will always miss and love her. I'm incapable of experiencing any emotions other than the unbearable pain and loneliness that comes with the loss. 

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Diana’s mom,   It is all very raw for you still,  I remember wanting to take myself away - to be alone with my grief in the smallest most basic place -  it was unbearable trying to function within this horror show and not being able to put anything right.   I know that it is beyond belief the emotions that you are dealing with - we all feel for you.   Roz

 

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Virginia,  it sounds rough.  Your body must have been in a very stressed state for a long time - I hope that you are feeling some lessening of the pain in your back.   Thinking of you.  Roz x

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia I think the stress of trying to hold everything together especially when we have other children is physically very hard.   I feel like I never get enough sleep or real rest. Some days just getting up and putting on an act like I am carrying on as normal is exhausting. I see the age when I take a Good look in the mirror.  Our bodies suffer with the pain of loss. You have experienced so much it will be hard to regain any semblance to normal. At least our new normal. I hope you have someone near that can provide a helping hand. 

Roz, those thoughts hit hard, the knowing our boys won't show up for the next holiday or family gathering.  Always the empty chair or the phone call to just say hi, Mom. When I talk to my sweet Magnolia I tell her about Uncle Mason and how much he would adore her. Just knowing all she ever know of him is what we tell her really hurts. 

Michael the years and age certainly take a toll. I can imagine the thoughts of selling your business is like losing another piece of B. Same reason we have Mason's truck. 

Diana's mom, sorry you struggling so much. 

Jackie hope those birds are still visiting and you are doing well. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

[Jacqueline3]

Evening everyone....I am home from work...After the run in with my family last weekend, I have been very vulnerable and emotional.  Talking to my youngest Daughter Gily and she gushed and talked about things she was doing, my grandson and All I could feel and see and hear was Garrett was not coming home, he would not get the chance to any of the things that he wanted to do or meet a lovely young woman who would see the wonderful man I always saw.   I have been crying nonstop for over a week. 

Diana's Mom you said it perfectly, the grief and pain are relentless.   I am in the same boat, that pain and the horror and cruelty of what has happened permeates my every breathe.  I miss my Garrett.  I just want to hold him close and tell him how much I love him.  I cried the entire way home from work and I cry the entire way there... it is the same every day...My heart shatters anew.

Carol the birds still come and there are some the just do the strangest things at the perfect time. once or twice I might believe a coincidence but not the hundreds of times these animals have acted and done things that are strange and personal.    I know those unique recurring  times are Garrett, speaking to me.   I had a very strange encounter with a very large spider two days ago and that too I know was my son. 

god I miss him.  I love that boy so very much and like I keep telling people and therapists... I don't know how to live this life without my son, my best friend!

To everyone,

love and hugs..

Jackie

[Danielle Masata]

Hi all you “members” of this new family, Roz included  

I so remember similar experiences of what you are going through Virginia. About 5 weeks after my husband died, I experienced incredible vertigo. I had never had that experience before although my dear husband would joke how I couldn’t stand on one foot, like an ostrich, in yoga class. So maybe vertigo isn’t so strange, although for me it was intense. I was bumping into walls and always had to resettle if I got up to move or walk. It’s gotten a bit better, but I can still be wobbly. 

And I still fully expect to have my husband walk into the kitchen after I was out, to check in with me. Ask how it went. Who did I see? The quiet can be so intense that sometimes I just leave the tv on so I hear something when I come home. 

I love the photos Jackie and Michael.

Today marks 1 and 1/2 years since my son died. I am in such disbelief that he has passed. May he rest in peace, the peace he never truly found while here on this earth. { I am happy you have your father with you. He missed you.} In a few days, it will be six months since I lost my dear husband. Everyday I grieve for the loss of companionship. {The dog is just not the same without you and she’s more attached than ever.}  I found out today he had signed up for a subscription to a newspaper. The subscription ends in 2037. That’s in 15 years! If only. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Danielle,

It is good to hear from you.  I am so sorry you had vertigo on top of dealing with pain and such great loss.  I can hardly believe how fast the time has gone... a year and a half and six months.   It all seems like yesterday.  It is 10 months for me and I am still expecting Garrett to walk into my writing room and say.  "Hey Mum, can I borrow you for a minute."   It both feels like just a nightmare yesterday and an eternity of painful hell.   I just do not know how to life this life.   

My precious birds are still coming and while the catbirds have settled down and become one with my family of birds..... I now have squirrels, chipmunks and one very large female deer eating from my feeders....I just want to do this because it makes me feel closer to Garrett and there is a peace watching the small delicate creatures.  It is the one time when I watch the birds, I don't feel like I want to rip whats left of my broken heart from my chest....  I keep trying different tactics but the interlopers keep outsmarting me..

I am thinking of you all...

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Lisa M.]

I had a meltdown this morning on my way to work.  It came out of nowhere.  I miss Don so much it is overwhelming.   This is the month for both my Mom and brother's angel days.   I can't seem to pull it together.   It is I believe, the combination of all of this that set me into a tail spin this morning. I still feel so lost.   I want to pick up the phone and call him.   I just want to hug him again.   I have not had any signs like some of you have had.  No birds, no dreams, just me and my thoughts.  I think of you all often.   My prayers go out to all of you.   I'm going to try and fall asleep and hope for a better day tomorrow. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Lisa, I am sorry everything hit you so very hard yesterday.  I am sorry about your Mother and brother.  Don sounds like such a wonderful young man.  I know the feeling of missing him to the inconsolable level.  I know we are far away from each other but I am with you.   I know I keep saying that and I hope I am not annoying anyone, but I believe all of our children are close by trying to help us.   Don is with you Lisa. I believe, this is just my strong belief, that our children are also learning to speak this new language we must learn as well.  It is subtle and frustrating because we hurt so damned bad and just want our child.  Don is with you Lisa. Love and hugs to you.  I hope today is a little easier for you... I have found I have no jumps in feeling better, just some days are a little more bearable, a few less tears those days, I manage to keep them inside on rare occasions..

  I am a little over a month away from the day I lost Garrett, I have been crying just as much now if not more... How can it be a year?   I miss my boy so damned much, it tears at my heart and soul every day....

love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Jacqueline3]

Morning everyone,   Really struggling these passed two weeks, like I wasn't before (thats a laugh).   I do not know how to live this life...  I see Garrett everywhere but Garrett isn't there....  Just talking and crying.   I hate everything and everyone with their family intact that acts like I should be happy and carefree....

Sorry for the maudlin mood, cannot seem to shake it

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

no worries , seems like all of us are struggling as of late .....yesterday i took about an hour off , where i locked my office door and told everybody not to bother me and went back to writng to B ......it had been a while since i had last done it.....told him about home and work but mostly on how much i miss him ......that is always the main theme. 

yesterday, while driving home ...i saw a guy that i guess would be B's age , curly hair ,beard , heavy set ....and i stopped until he caught up with me ....just to see the resemblance ....cars honking at me ....i did not care .....just wanted to see some resemblance of him....so i guess we are all struggling more as of late 

[NiquesMom]

No apology needed jackie. We all understand that depressed, drag you down feeling. Many days it is a "fake it until you make it" attitude for me, and that's after almost 5 years. Hard to believe Nique has been gone that long. December will be 5 years. I still cry, I look at our family pictures and wish that they were still here. But wishing and crying doesn't change the fact of how alone I feel. My family rarely mentions Nique. My coworkers wonder why I was dealt a life with so much loss. I wonder too.

But i also know I won't always feel like this. But it will always be a part of me, just around the corner, waiting for me to be in a good place and smack me in the head screaming "she is dead!!" 

Guess I am in a mood too

Woke up this morning and I could feel my husband face, I was rubbing his cheek, he needed a shave. First visit, hoping for more.

[Jacqueline3]

Thanks Virginia,  MY family doesn't mention Garrett either, Joe's family hasn't even bothered to call.   I have had so many beautiful encounters with the birds, ones I know are from Garrett.   I would love to feel his face.  I was always pushing the hair away from his ears telling him he needed a haircut.  I can still feel his hair on my fingers.... I hate this life, I don't know how to live it without Garrett.  He deserved a full life too.   I am almost to the day I lost him and it is already making me sick.

I am really maudlin and inconsolable today.

Love to all,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

I attended a funeral today in the same church where Mason's funeral was held. I would not have gone but it was one of best friends mother's funeral and I felt she needed me. It was terrible, I cried through the entire service. It was the first time I had been back. 

Virginia, I can't imagine what you face every day. I hope you continue to have those visits. 

Michael, I have had similar experiences, I see a young man with Mason's build and hair for just a split second I think hey there's my boy. It has literally taken me to my knees.

Lisa, such a hard month for you. I like Michael's idea of writing to B. I talk to Mason everyday.  Sometimes just to say I love you. 

Jackie, it is hard to keep thinking about all the things our children are missing and they didn't out live us. My hope is that are in a better place and they aren't suffering. I have seen a post several times Showing a young person climbing a ladder and a quote "mom, I have gone before you and I will hold a spot for you by my side ".  The birds are a reminder of your son. 

Danielle hope your health is improving. 

Roz, hope you are finding time for getaways with your husband. Do you hear from your grandson from time to time? Can you reach out to him if you want?

Peace and comfort, 

Carol