Loss of an Adult Child

[Mason’s Mom]

Michael and Lisa, I know how those dates on the calendar bring such pain and a reminder of the loss of our children. I wish I could tell you after the first you you magically feel better. It changes after time but like Roz said there are still dark times. 

Danielle I know how frustrating finances can be, my daughter is working on an accounting degree and she talks about all the tax laws and how challenging it is. She Has an internship with an accounting firm.  Don't beat yourself up for not being on top of everything. You have so much emotional trauma you should not expect to think clearly. 

Lisa, why does grief and greed seem to go hand in hand. You don't have to share the death certificate or any other details with daughter in law.  Do what you feel is right in your heart.

Judith, I am sorry you have to deal with the existence and not allowed to see your geand children. 

Roz. It has been challenging to login recently. I hope things are improving for you.  People we thought were our friends don't understand us. We know your pain. I think about you often and have so much respect for you. You are such a strong support line.  Thank you. 

Morgan is a little better. The transfusion helps her headaches and she is regaining some energy. Now to get answers for why.

Peace and comfort to all,

Carol

[Changed]

Judith,  that is so cruel - how could he tell a six year old that he cannot speak of his mother?   That is like a punishment.  You must be so worried about your grandson - is he alone with his father?     You sound really worn down by it all - I hope that things can become more manageable for you soon. Roz

[Changed]

Carol, that seems to be taking them a long time to give a diagnosis- it’s good that she is feeling that she has more energy now though  - fingers crossed that they have fixed everything with the transfusion and she just needs rest and a chance to strengthen.   Thanks for your kind words btw Roz x

[Changed]

I’ve probably remembered this before…….  There was a mum who posted here for many years before I joined and was still helping newbies until a couple of years ago.  Carol and Virginia will remember her too.  Anyway, she suffered and struggled for years with guilt over her adult daughters death and would often say that you could search the world over and never find the answers as to why my child?   God knows she tried.   On the anniversary of her daughters death she would go to an ice cream shop and order up - she and her daughter used to love doing that - so it made her feel very close to her.  She went to a different town each year and this particular year she wrote that as she entered the shop the manager was calling out her daughter’s name!  it was an unusual name too so double shock - he was calling out for the young girl who assisted there but what a huge coincidence .  It gave her so much pleasure that somehow her daughter was part of the timing.     Roz

[Jacqueline3]

Evening everyone, I am just getting home from work.  It was a hard night and I missed Garrett so much.  Jolene is doing a little better but still has a long way to go...We did finally find two wonderful doctors who have bent over backwards to help her.   Thank you for asking.  It is a comfort to get on and "Hear from and Talk" to everyone.  I am thinking of you all and hoping that the turmoil and added pain on top of your grief and heartbreaking loss will get easier and find some resolution.   I am still grappling every day just to get though and I know that you all can relate.

My heart goes out to each of you

Jackie

[Judith fay]

Changed,

I have been told alot not to cry and to just let go and act like  My Christina never existed. I tell them unless you have experienced  a loss of a  child in my case 2 daughters. DON'T  TELL ME your opinion. 

My loss my Journey.  People deal  with  death differently .  I had a friend who cried everyday for her  dog but got over her daughter death quickly. Unless you can get inside someone head you don't  know what they are even thinking. I am at a loss

Mom of Christina (TinaBug)

[Judith fay]

Changed,

My Grandson Brodie has 2 sister he sees every other week. I still see the girls my daughter would have wanted me to still see them They miss her too. I recently  started having heath issues I'm  trying to deal ontop of everything else. My daughters  Angel day is coming up on July 23,2022 My grandkids call it the day we celebrate  Mommy. I  have no peace I feel like the world is caving in on me.

Mom of Christina

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Judith,

I am in the same boat.   I hate that any of us are here but I am glad to know someone else knows what I am feeling, because I too keep getting the "you need to pull yourself together"   I did not gain 20 pounds, I lost my precious Garrett, my son and best friend!! and I keep dealing with the magnanimous injustice to Garrett.  He deserved to have his life too, So did Christina,and Dasha and all of our children deserve to live their lives!   The closest semblance of comfort I have are the birds but there is no peace, and the comfort does not last.... I am usually sobbing as I sit on the bench watching them.... I will never be the same, my heart and soul are shattered....

I am with you Judith,

Jackie

[Judith fay]

Jackie,

I'm  here for you. My heart is broken too

Do you have a picture of Garrett I would love to see a picture.

I have had a bad day My Sister decided to get a tatoo with my daughters name on her arm I just lost it I think anybody who does this should ask me first. My first daughter that passed Dasha died on my sisters 16th Birthday. She went out last year and got her name and didn't  ask me then either. I went and got angel wings for my first daughter on my left arm Then the right arm a rose with my daughter nick name  my dad gave her TinaBug. I  went through another box of my daughter things and found her Journals

I read alittle then cried the rest of the day.

God I wish this nightmare would end. I want to hug my girl again and see her beautiful  smile hear her funny laugh.

Her Angel days is coming up in July 

People tell me it should be getting easier but for me its just Not.

I will  keep you in my prayers Jackie

Mom of Christina and Dasha

[Changed]

Dear Michael,    So sorry for you.  Roz x

 

[Lisa M.]

Roz,   We picked up the trailer last week. It was awful it was full of kitchen garbage from their home. When my husband tried to take the trash out they called the police on us. My husband and my daughter-in-law's mother came to an agreement that they would split the cost of pulling the trash away. We told them no we'll just pay for it we're just done where we wanted to be done with the whole or deal. My daughter-in-law is still not speaking to me because I would not give her the copy of the death certificate and I won't give her any more money. Honestly I'm OK with all of this I just need to do what's best for me at this point. I still have contact with my granddaughter and her mother which I know my son would want me to do and I have just Started interacting with just the 2 of them. I will get through it but the next month is going to be very rough. Thank you so much Ross you're in my thoughts all the time.

Michael,   sending hugs to you. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

today is B's angel date , but i have lived the day and not the date,i have been going over evry moment since last wed since we first saw the tumor, and just second guessing my decisions , i wish i could have taken other avenues ....it hurts, i just decided to stay home and do a little bit of praying as it is also easter. watched the pope's mass .....judith her angel date will be the same as any other day , plenty of sorrow and pain

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael, you have been on my mind all day.... I was getting ready to text and saw you had already wrote something.   I am holding you hand.   Judith I know that Christina's is coming fast.   I do have several recent wonderful pictures of Garrett.  I will have to figure this contraption out to put one her.... Please send me one of Christina.  I am headed to work and very sad...  Michael, my heart goes out to you...

Love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

54 minutes ago, Michael Rodriguez said:

today is B's angel date , but i have lived the day and not the date,i have been going over evry moment since last wed since we first saw the tumor, and just second guessing my decisions , i wish i could have taken other avenues ....it hurts, i just decided to stay home and do a little bit of praying as it is also easter. watched the pope's mass .....judith her angel date will be the same as any other day , plenty of sorrow and pain

Michael thinking about you today. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

thanks guys

[Judith fay]

Jackie

This is my Christina

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Judith,

Christina is so beautiful.  this is my precious Garrett...  Michael how are you this morning?  You were at the forefront of my thoughts yesterday...

[Michael Rodriguez]

good morning, im ok i guess......

[Jacqueline3]

Michael, B is so handsome....   I know how you feel.... I can imagine a sense of emptiness, loneliness and a profound despair.  That is what I keep imagining  i will feel the day after August 30.   I am thinking of you...

Love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

[Mason’s Mom]

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Carol, Mason is such a handsome young man!  It has made me both smile and cry to put beautiful, loved faces to the names I hear spoken with such overwhelming love!!

Dearest Michael, I love the pictures..  It is wonderful to see B!..

[Lisa M.]

Michael, sending hugs your way.   Our children are beautiful. Here is my Don with his sister at her wedding.   He gave her away and he was so proud. His angel date is May 12.  It will be one year and I am reliving every day leading up to that.   Knowing you are all here comforts me.

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Lisa, Don is a handsome young man.   I am so sorry your are reliving every moment.... I am thinking of you Lisa and always here to talk... Thinking of you.

[Michael Rodriguez]

thanks, they all seem to have huge smiles and all of them so good looking.....and so full of life that it is so hard to understand how all this could happen.  

[Jacqueline3]

I agree Michael, it is so damned unfair and unbelievable... They are all so beautiful and their smiles tear into my soul!    I hate like hell that any of us are  here, it makes me sick inside but I would be so lost without all of you!  Thank you for holding my hand in this hellish nightmare.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Judith fay]

Jackie,

Your Garrett is handsome.

I am just a mess today Thinking  about everyone on here who's  lost a child or  anyone...

Looking at all the pictures everyones been post all the loss heavens got alot of special Angels..

Thanks for sharing Garretts pictures

Mom of Christina

[Jacqueline3]

Afternoon Judith... I am here for you.   I know, it is so heart wrenching.  I have been sobbing for several days...  Thank you for sharing and everyone else who put pictures up... It has been very moving and heart warming ( as well as heart breaking) to put faces and smiles to the names I hear spoken with such love.   Hang on Judith, talk...if you need, I certainly spill everything out when I cannot contain it.... I am thinking of you and everyone on this day.   I am feeling broken and lost, I miss my Garrett and I worry about my two girls....  Why is life so damned cruel...  I miss my boy so damned much.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

 

[Jacqueline3]

Hey guys, is anyone there.... I finally did it and my mother hung up on me....  I am tired and so weary of my dear Mum telling me all the grandkids have their problems....Why does she say that and tell me my niece is getting married like my life in not in tatters!    I snapped "AT LEAST THEY ARE ALIVE!" and Mum said good bye and hung up.  Just sad and weary and feeling very alone and heartbroken and lost.   

Jackie 

[Changed]

Jackie,  that is very hurtful.  Your mother will have gone away and had a think about how that went - it would have been nice if she could have phoned you back and let you talk with her .   Do you think that she is in denial or that she is protecting herself?  It’s common for those close to us to believe that it will upset us and make things worse if they mention our grief - they move the conversation away and we are left hanging.    Have you tried sending your mum a letter letting her know what you need so she can digest it without having to instantly respond .

We will be pleased for our friends and relatives when they have lovely events in their lives but we would hope for some sensitivity from them too.   I have a friend who goes on endlessly telling me how fabulous her son is and what a great father he is - good - but please cut me some slack and don’t labour the point - I get it - I’d know she has forgotten that my son has died and is no longer there for his son - I understand that - it still wounds me though.  I could remind her and embarrass her but I let her run her course then change the subject.   BTW her son is not really that nice to my friend but I don’t mention that and maybe that is why she tries to convince me and herself that he is wonderful (?).  
I hope you are ok.  Roz

[Changed]

Beautiful happy photos- I’d like to think that they are all together ,along with my David , with no worries or pain .  Roz x

[Changed]

Shel ,  are you still reading here?  Thinking of you . Roz x

[Jacqueline3]

Thanks Roz, I know part of her problem is that she wants me to be "better" and she is 85 years old.... It still hurts though.  I am sorry your friend is such a douche about your conversations and I would most definitely say she has to make him sound better than he is toward her.  ..I have often thought the same...that I hope our children are there for each other like we are...  I am okay.  I am trying to get back on an even tread today but  I feel worn and tired.   How have you been Roz,?

I am thinking of you

Jackie

[Judith fay]

Had a very sad night My yougest Grandson was screaming and crying for his mommy I told him come to Grandma he said No i need mommy she always makes me feel better. I finally got him calm his sang a song to his mommy's  urn and k8ssed it goodnight. 

We got up Easter morning hunted eggs

He is smiling today. But my heart breaks for him he is only 6

THinking of you all  Happy Easter

Mom of Christina

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Judith, I am so sorry, that had to be heartbreaking..  I hope you were able to gather a few smiles today watching your grandchildren.  We did not celebrate and no one contacted us so I guess we are truly on our own.... It is a sad realization.   Today. for me was just another nightmare day in this waking hell.  I am thinking of everyone.  I hope some form of comfort found you today...

Hugs and love,

Jackie

[Judith fay]

I smiled today watching my grandkids hunt Eastets eggs. They mad a special egg for  christina. I felt bad enjoying  my day because she the one that they wanted

I will say a prayer for all of you tonight.

Jackie thank you for listening  I really dont have anybody else who understands  the pain I feel. You all  are amazing

Mom of Christina

[Jacqueline3]

Morning Judith.  I am happy you could smile with for Grandchildren.for at least a few moments.   I have the same issue Judith.  If I smile, semi-enjoy something or god forbid laugh, I feel guilty, like I've dishonored Garrett, It makes me feel like im saying my life is fine now and IT IS NOT!   IT IS A NIGHTMARE FROM HELL!  I WANT MY SON TO COME HOME!   Heaven forbid if I say that to anyone of my family other than Joe or Jolene... they placatingly tell me that he cannot, as if I do not know that, it breaks my heart every second of every day.   This weekend, I was told I need professional help.  I am seeing a grief counselor!  I am doing the best that I can at the moment.   It was a rough weekend here and I am feel tired and old now. I do feel the same Judith, all of you on this site are my lifeline... No one else understands as all of you do.  You have saved my sanity more than once.

love to all,

Jackie   

[Michael Rodriguez]

morning all , start of a new week. jackie, we all want our children back , their is nobody in this site that would not give their own lives for their own kids., i would swap mine for B's in a heart beat , even if it meant i would still not see him , but that is what parents do ....i know that people can not understand what we go thru every moment, every day of our lives .....but we have no choice to put our best effort and our best face going forward. regretfully we do not have a choice, we all feel sorry for our selves and it tears off our hearts apart . 

but we have to understand that only us parents carry this cross. try to go back and remember of people you knew who passed on ,,,,a friend of garret's , you have lost track of them just as others have lost track of ours ....we , as mom and dad , are the ones and only that will suffer the loss till the day we die .....but , life goes on ...so try to relax, take a deep breathe and realize that will go one day at a time , carrying our cross but surviving ....just remember to take a deep breathe and one step at a time!!!

[Jacqueline3]

My dearest Michael....I am crying and laughing at the same time..... While I would like to scream and rant, I also want to hug you with gratitude at the same time.   I know in my heart and soul you are right.  We are the ones that will carry the love and the pain of losing our children, of missing them and what would have been.   I am slowly getting to that realization that others are unmeaning to be cruel in their ignorance and their desire for us to be "Alright".  I will go through the day and somehow, I will claw my way through it... I really appreciate all of you here, without you, I would not be here.  .

Thank you Michael,

love and hugs,

Jackie 

[NiquesMom]

Seems I missed a lot. Havent been on for a while.

Michael, I hope you found a tiny sliver of peace on the anniversary.

The people who tell us to move on must be grateful to never feel this pain.

I hurt everyday but usually put on a smile.

Though it does seem to get harder to fake sometimes.

Christopher is at rehab. Trying to get him home but he cannot be safely discharged. Try to see the reasons this is all happening. Some i see, some i don't. He told me again today he is ready to die, even with all the progress he has made. All I can do is support him and show him how loved he is.

Hoping the daughters that are sick (jolene and morgan i think?) Get better soon, answers found, bodies healed.

Hoping jobs are going well, paperwork easier for you danielle.

I read all the posts and have failed to mention some, but I think it is so unfair when we are dealing with this grief to have so much more crap thrown at us.

[Michael Rodriguez]

thanks virginia.....made it !!!! how is kyle ?

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia good to hear from you. Morgan is maintaining her blood levels for now. 

We are getting ready to have a fishing tournament to fund the scholarship so we have been busy getting sponsors,  getting people pre-registered and the last minute details finished. These tournaments and scholarships are difficult because I get upset to think he isn't here, but I feel compelled to keep going.  Last years recipient is doing so well and I feel good that Mason's legacy lives on.

Jackie and Judith the one breath and one hour at at a time is the only way to cope sometimes.  Remember to take a DEEP breath it is cleansing.  Sometimes I just stand in the middle of the room and take deep breathes and close my eyes. 

Michael, you have summed it up, we want them back so much.  So many times I wonder why him and not me. I will never understand I just have to accept and keep going. I give myself pep talks all the time and I talk to him. He would tell me to snap out of this and be happy. 

I sign off most of the time with Peace and comfort because that is what I want desperately. 

Carol 

[Jacqueline3]

Morning to all,

Virginia it is good to hear from you.  It is always good to hear from everyone,  I think of you all so much.   I am still taking the deep breaths and sobbing every other moment.  I am trying to find some ground and at times I do find a little but just like now I see Garrett's precious face and realize he isn't coming home and then all goes to hell.  I know that you all can relate to that feeling.  Jolene is getting there, not as quickly as I would like.  Her body is so unpredictable with the genetic disorder.  It is cry and worry, cry and worry.   I am still trying to figure out how to live this life that I do not recognize. 

Thinking of everyone

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

8 hours ago, Jacqueline3 said:

Morning to all,

Virginia it is good to hear from you.  It is always good to hear from everyone,  I think of you all so much.   I am still taking the deep breaths and sobbing every other moment.  I am trying to find some ground and at times I do find a little but just like now I see Garrett's precious face and realize he isn't coming home and then all goes to hell.  I know that you all can relate to that feeling.  Jolene is getting there, not as quickly as I would like.  Her body is so unpredictable with the genetic disorder.  It is cry and worry, cry and worry.   I am still trying to figure out how to live this life that I do not recognize. 

Thinking of everyone

Jackie

guys , i am so glad to be part of this group instead of lookin for "professional help"!!!! i just found out that my wife,my daughter and stepdaughter are seeing psycologists....and they are worst than i am...ive got you guys and way much cheaper....so thanks and a high five to all!!!!

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael,

I will say talking to all of you helps me a hell of a lot more than the grief counselor that I am seeing.   I miss all of you when there are no posts.  You guys get me through the days... have helped me through these agonizing 8 months since I lost my precious Garrett.... How can it be so many months when it feels like just yesterday.that this hell began.    I will echo Michael's sentiments... thank you all so damned much!!

Love and hugs,

Jackie 

[NiquesMom]

I went to a grief counselor for a few months. She didn't help. This group and the monthly meeting with Compassionate Friends helped so much more.

Kyle is ok. We had dinner with Christopher last night at the hospital. Christopher asked Kyle why he was crying at night; Kyle said because he is afraid Christopher will die. It depresses me that my 8 year old is so comfortable talking about death. Maybe part of Nique death was to help Kyle deal with this??

[Didi]

Hi all.  Been a little bit since I've logged in and chimed in.  Nicole's Angel date is rapidly approaching and I am more of a mess than I realize.  Forgetting stuff; getting angry over nothing; self-pity; the whole gamut of shitty stuff.  I warned people at work I will be more strange than usual (LOL) during the next few weeks thinking they would understand, but they don't.  Not their fault and not their deal, right? This is my deal.  I just need to keep my head down and do my best.   

We see a grief counselor once/month now.  He's very good.  We always feel better after our session with him.  And we have so much of her left here on earth.  Her 5 boys keep us more than busy when they're with us.  Their father is always willing to let us see them which we know is a blessing.  I kept a robe of hers in my closet that still has the smell of her favorite perfume.  And we visit her gravesite when we can as do so many others.  There is always fresh flowers when I go there and someone left a cute little Easter egg and butterfly statue last week.  So sweet.

I hope people are right when they say we will see her again.  I hope there really is a beautiful place where she is perfectly happy and has no more worries or sadness.  She deserves to be out of all the misery she had here.  She struggled so much to make things right for her and the children -- unfortunately, she looked in the wrong places.  Barked up the wrong trees. She had so much to offer and had a heart bigger than Texas! 

Thanks for letting me share.   

[Lisa M.]

I too am fast approaching Don's angel date.  I am trying to stay busy but somedays it doesn't help at all.  I have well wishers at work but honestly,  I wish they would just keep their comments to themselves.   One lady just keeps telling me " I need to see someone".  "Maybe that would help me not cry so much. "  She doesn't get it  at all.  I  just want to tell her to stay away from me.   I  appreciate you all so much.   You are my therapy. You all understand what I'm feeling,  not some one who probably hasn't experienced what we have. I have not been posting but I do read every day.  Wishing you all some peace and comfort today . 

[Jacqueline3]

I am four months from the date we lost Garrett and I cry all the time...People keep telling me to pull myself together but they do not understand... this is my child I am mourning!   I finally cleaned the leaves out of my flower bed today... I kept putting it off, Garrett and I did that together last year.... We did so much together and those things I have so much trouble doing.   I sit and cry, talk to Garrett and watch birds hoping my precious boy can hear me....  it has been 8 months and I am dying inside a little more each day.  The most help I get is from talking to all of you, Yet the comfort is a double edged sword, I hate that any of us are here.   I do not know how to live this life.   The rage has lost its acid bite but now there is just overwhelming despair and sadness and a loss as to how I continue to live this horrible life.   I have been helping my eldest which is what keeps me going, but when her health is better and she is back on her feet, then what.... what do I make of this life without my youngest child?  

Lost and hopeless today,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

6 hours ago, Didi said:

Hi all.  Been a little bit since I've logged in and chimed in.  Nicole's Angel date is rapidly approaching and I am more of a mess than I realize.  Forgetting stuff; getting angry over nothing; self-pity; the whole gamut of shitty stuff.  I warned people at work I will be more strange than usual (LOL) during the next few weeks thinking they would understand, but they don't.  Not their fault and not their deal, right? This is my deal.  I just need to keep my head down and do my best.   

We see a grief counselor once/month now.  He's very good.  We always feel better after our session with him.  And we have so much of her left here on earth.  Her 5 boys keep us more than busy when they're with us.  Their father is always willing to let us see them which we know is a blessing.  I kept a robe of hers in my closet that still has the smell of her favorite perfume.  And we visit her gravesite when we can as do so many others.  There is always fresh flowers when I go there and someone left a cute little Easter egg and butterfly statue last week.  So sweet.

I hope people are right when they say we will see her again.  I hope there really is a beautiful place where she is perfectly happy and has no more worries or sadness.  She deserves to be out of all the misery she had here.  She struggled so much to make things right for her and the children -- unfortunately, she looked in the wrong places.  Barked up the wrong trees. She had so much to offer and had a heart bigger than Texas! 

Thanks for letting me share.   

Didi,  it comforts me to see others have been to visit Mason's graveside. I feel the same and want with all my being for our children to be a beautiful place with no sorrow or pain.