Loss of an Adult Child

[Jacqueline3]

Dear Robert, you are so not alone in your feelings.  I am still at moments chanting this cannot be my life, this cannot be Garrett"s life.   Your wife has the right idea.   I hope you can rest tonight, I am going to try again but it is usually up and down and tossing and turning.   Something that has helped me.... Garrett used to love to listen to the birds when he woke up in the morning.   He always said there was a stupid one and when it was singing its horrible songs the others wouldn't sing, (I have to smile a little, he had such a grand sense of humor).  Through this past winter there have been an unnatural amount of birds to the side of the house.  I go out and talk with Garrett where the birds are and it makes me feel as if Garrett is near.  All through winter the birds were there and they would come in groups of three and sit in groups of three.   I have three beautiful children and I am a crafter and painter and I always do everything in groups of three.   I am not a particularly religious person but I am a spiritual one.   I believe that our love for our children and their love for us is a bond that holds us together despite all that has happened and one day we will all be together again.  Our unbearable pain is a reflection of our deep love for our children.  I believe with all of my heart that our children are close and trying to help us through this ordeal.   Hold close to your love for your boy and his for you,   It is our lifeline through this unthinkable ordeal

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Robert C.]

Than you Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Little bit of good in my life: they are going to allow kyle to see christopher on tuesday. So I am taking the day off and we will be at his bedside all day. Going to bring games, maybe we can watch movies, definitely let kyle snuggle his dad. It has been 201 days. We all need to be together in the same room again.

[Robert C.]

That is great news! 

[Jacqueline3]

That is wonderful news!

[Changed]

Virginia,   Kyle will be so excited to be enjoying time with his dad - I’ll be thinking of you all.  Roz

 

[Mason’s Mom]

17 hours ago, Jacqueline3 said:

Dear Robert, you are so not alone in your feelings.  I am still at moments chanting this cannot be my life, this cannot be Garrett"s life.   Your wife has the right idea.   I hope you can rest tonight, I am going to try again but it is usually up and down and tossing and turning.   Something that has helped me.... Garrett used to love to listen to the birds when he woke up in the morning.   He always said there was a stupid one and when it was singing its horrible songs the others wouldn't sing, (I have to smile a little, he had such a grand sense of humor).  Through this past winter there have been an unnatural amount of birds to the side of the house.  I go out and talk with Garrett where the birds are and it makes me feel as if Garrett is near.  All through winter the birds were there and they would come in groups of three and sit in groups of three.   I have three beautiful children and I am a crafter and painter and I always do everything in groups of three.   I am not a particularly religious person but I am a spiritual one.   I believe that our love for our children and their love for us is a bond that holds us together despite all that has happened and one day we will all be together again.  Our unbearable pain is a reflection of our deep love for our children.  I believe with all of my heart that our children are close and trying to help us through this ordeal.   Hold close to your love for your boy and his for you,   It is our lifeline through this unthinkable ordeal

Love and hugs,

Jackie

Jackie we had a similar experience. In our area we have whippoorwill birds, when Mason was little he always heard their call as Skip the Buttercup.  We always teased him and his entire life that it what he called them.  The spring after we lost him our house was surrounded by them each evening,  one was so loud outside our living room window.  My husband would mute the TV and would just listen. I can't imagine that it was just a coincidence. Keep watching and listening I believe they are trying to comfort us.

Virginia I am so excited for you and Kyle. 

[Robert C.]

The day before Patrick passed away he was moved from the hospital to a beautiful hospice room at another location. 

The morning he passed away we looked out the widow of his room and on the ground was a flock of red Robbins. I felt like it was a sign they were there to take him to heaven. I didn't even know the story behind Robbins until after his passing. 

[Robert C.]

In the week that followed we saw many flying around our home. My hope is the story is more than coincidence and they were the souls of those to passed away leading our son to his final resting place in heaven. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Robert,  how can we have 3 stories about birds and how it seems to correlate with our losses. Surely not coincidence, I have to continue to hold on and believe these are messages meant for us.

Carol

[Jacqueline3]

Evening to all,

Carol, Robert, I love both of your experiences with the birds... I don't believe in coincidences.  I do believe the birds are telling us something.    When my Dad passed, my Mum placed one single red rose inside his casket just from her.  it was late December and we had so much snow and ice that year.  A week later Mum went back to the cemetery and all of the flowers on his grave were wilted and frozen except one beautiful red rose that was standing straight up and was not touched by the weather.  I always told my kids that was Pap telling Grandma he loved her.   After Garrett had to leave, I went back to his place of rest and all of the flowers were wilted and dead except one beautiful red rose standing tall in the middle of one of the arrangements.   I have to believe that was my boy using Pap's message to let us know he loves us.   I sit here crying tonight, once again it has been a rough, heartbroken day.  I wish Garrett could just come home but I know that he cannot.  I know he would if he could.  I keep looking, and talking to Garrett, letting him know Mum loves and misses him so damned much.  

Love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Robert C.]

Jackie, This week has been very tough of us as well. We just collapsed today and rested. I think it helped. My wife is in your position, why can't he come home? Just for even a second. Just for her to hold him one more time. 

I do my very best not to fall into that hole. I know if I do it will be days before I can function again. I really don't know if men and women grieve in the same way? I saw a funny video a long time ago, might have been George Carlin. 

It was on the difference way men and women process. Men like to have neat little boxes. Work goes in one, friends into another and so on....where women don't use boxes they wire everything together with dates and times then the activity, so you have memories and feelings attached to each event. Your able to recall all those immages attached to a single event. 

I am betting he was on to something, especially such a strong emotion like greif or sadness. Might be the reason I can hide my greif better when we are out having to do something. Might also be the reason I'm here now! I opened the box and everything spilled out. 

Not even sure why I've written an essay on this...but for fun look up George Carlin' s sketch on the subject. It might make you feel a tiny bit better. 

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you Robert, I will look that up, god knows I could use a laugh.   Just cannot believe this is the life our families have to live.... Wasn't supposed to be this way.   Thank you Robert.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Didi]

Hi.  New to this site.  Never thought I'd be part of this kind of group.  My daughter was killed in a car accident on 5/6/2021, so we're coming up on one year.  Both my husband and I are in grief counseling, but I still feel so hopeless and lost.  I cry every day.  We help her x-husband take care of her children, 4 boys, just about every day.  I'm considering taking a leave from work as I simply cannot get it together.  I can't seem to remember the smallest details of what I have been doing for over 20 years!  Some days I wonder if dementia has reared its ugly head along with this relentless grief!  I am a funeral director and was back at work 2 weeks after Nicole died.  Maybe too soon? 

I joined this group because I feel so alone and was hoping to find people who really understand.  Friends & co-workers don't mention anything because they simply don't know if it's ok to bring it up & I understand completely.  I just need camaraderie.

[Jacqueline3]

Hello Didi, I lost my 22 year old son Garrett August 30 of 2021,( my 60th birthday), god I can hardly write that year.   It was unexpected abnormality to his liver that showed no signs to connect the dots until it was way too late.    I also cry multiple times every day and I waver between utter despair, crying and rage...   I cannot function for long either before I have to go outside and scream to the wind and cry.   I can feel your pain.  It becomes a constant companion, even if for a moment it is not at the forefront of your heart and thoughts, it is always there and it never stays out of the limelight long.  I always feel guilty then if for some reason I have to concentrate on something else other than the wrenching pain.  I feel like I have betrayed Garrett and my love for him.   I too started grief counseling but it doesn't seem to help.  I am with you... I feel broken and lost.   We are here for you Didi and we understand.   My family, whom I have always been close to keep telling me to pull it together, which does not help and it just upsets me...   I'm glad you found us, yet I am so damned sorry any of us have to be here.

love and hugs,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

virginia , i am so happy and glad that kyle will be able to see his dad !!!! im sorry , but i just feel i know most of you personally so forgive me if i seem to personal ......how is christopher doing ? how are you doing ?

i am also getting to that one year mark on april 14 and i still can not believe that my B is gone .....God how i miss my son !!!!

here, in honduras, fathers day was celebrated yesterday and although we used to celebrate the american date , all you heard yesterday was happy fathers day , i tried to stay away from all that as much as i could .......i will for now and forever despise father's day ,or birthdays or whatever holiday .....i can not bare them with out my son

[Mason’s Mom]

Didi, I think most of us experience the foggy mind. I know I haven't slept well since losing Mason.  It seems every time I think things are getting better something new pop up and I can't rest. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Just now, Michael Rodriguez said:

virginia , i am so happy and glad that kyle will be able to see his dad !!!! im sorry , but i just feel i know most of you personally so forgive me if i seem to personal ......how is christopher doing ? how are you doing ?

i am also getting to that one year mark on april 14 and i still can not believe that my B is gone .....God how i miss my son !!!!

here, in honduras, fathers day was celebrated yesterday and although we used to celebrate the american date , all you heard yesterday was happy fathers day , i tried to stay away from all that as much as i could .......i will for now and forever despise father's day ,or birthdays or whatever holiday .....i can not bare them with out my son

Michael,  I know what you mean about holidays and the one year mark coming up is very emotional. Vent if you need, we understand 

[Jacqueline3]

I am sorry Michael, that had to be terrible.  Thinking of you

 

[Changed]

Hello Didi,   My name is Roz  - I am truly sorry for your loss and I do hope that you will find some comfort amongst us.     We all share the devastating , distinctive grief of losing our children 
I lost my son , David, five years ago and the son he left behind lives with his mum in Australia - I live in the UK with my husband and my daughter lives a few hours away from us  in the UK also.

Sadly, there are quite a few parents posting on here who are at a similar time in their grief  as yourself - I found that to be strangely calming when I was in the early months after losing David allowing me to feel connected and supported by others who really did understand.  I hope that you will get the same benefit .

Take care,  Roz

 

 

[Robert C.]

Didi, I just joined this group. Your not alone, these folks are fantastic! We lost our son to brain cancer 22 weeks ago. I felt like a sinking ship before finding a group of people who have all experienced the loss of a child. You are not alone

[Robert C.]

I guess I did not pay attention to the page #'s. There are 1322 pages of different individuals greif on this one topic, if I am reading it correctly. We truely are not alone and it's such a shame so many people are in the same boat as us. This makes me sad. Today marks the start of the 23rd. week without our son. 

[Changed]

Robert,  I watched the vid you mentioned - it is so true.  We walk by the sea each day and sit at a particular spot just to take a look - my husband stares off to the horizon and I often ask what is in his head as he stares . Nothing apparently,  where as mine is chokka full - just as George said.     
However, I have found that,  in the years since my son died , my survival has involved compartmentalising my grief.   It means I can function around others.      I will live with my sadness over losing David forever and that is always with me .  I don’t break down at the shops anymore and I have found coping strategies for the triggers.

One thing I have noticed is that sometime last year I stopped being shocked that David had died.   For the first four years or so I would suddenly react as if I’d just been told he’d died all over again - I’d be physically ill with the shock .   I think about him and what had happened all the time but these shock waves would come out of the blue and floor me, then they stopped ( or at least I think they have) .  Nothing else has changed in me - I still relive his death and think about him all of the time.   I’m still incredibly unhappy and miss him so much - I love him beyond belief.   Maybe it’s a stage and I hadn’t  actually fully accepted what had happened - I still don’t want it to be true .   The joy left my life -  only interacting with my daughter and my grandson on a FaceTime feel like genuine pleasure these days.  
 I think all that was more than anyone wanted, sorry.  Roz 

[Changed]

Robert ,  you posted as i was about to send.   Yes this site has been going for ages , before my time , and most have moved on.  One or two of the originals pop on now and then but it’s only a small number here now. Lots of them the same people who post on loss of adult son.  Roz

 

[Robert C.]

I think I'm a little farther along in the greiving process. I know I went through a long horrible anticipatory greif that my wife did not. 

It was right after his first resection, the doctor walked out looked us straight in the eyes and said it appeared to be GBM brain cancer and it's terminal. I couldn't even breathe after she said that.  I know a piece of me died that very second. I was in shock for weeks and those words have played in my head ever since! The happiest times we had were always smashed to pieces as that phrase played over and over. I think all the scheduling and Dr appointments forced that sentence to the back of my wife's mind. So we are not in the same place with our greif. 

[Jacqueline3]

Roz and Robert, I was looking at the page numbers too when I first came over to this site as well a couple of days ago.  It was upsetting.  Robert I enjoyed the video as well, as much as I do these days... I did get a couple of small laughs with was so nice, thank you.   I start a new job tomorrow, I thought is might help... now I am not so sure, I don't want to go..   The last job I worked, I actually worked with Garrett.  We both worked at the same place and our shifts overlapped by three hours... We worked the job three years together,  Garrett stayed on after I left.  It made me so proud and inspired to watch Garrett.  All I can think about tonight is I will be going to this job without him.   After the girls left home, (they left the same week over six years ago and went in different directions)  Garrett and I did so much together... The job was a fluke that we worked together but it is was a joy and so much fun to share that experience with my son.    I know I am rambling. sorry.   I am worried now. With this job I cannot go outside and cry and talk when the grief hits me and I need to talk to Garrett and see the birds....   Now I just feel like a broken, old lady and I am scared, how pathetic is that.

Jackie

[Robert C.]

I also noticed my thoughts are disjointed and I seem to ramble all over the place typing here.  I shouldn't have opened that box, it might have been to early for me, but it brought me here and that has been a good thing. 

I've read so many posts in the last couple of days and have realized the one main thread in each one is the agony the survivors go through. The stories of each life differ as much as each death. What's left is each and everyone of us trying our best to cope and help the others out along the way.  And it sucks!

[Jacqueline3]

I am so sorry Robert, that had to be horrible.   I am so sorry.   The night they airlifted Garrett to the trauma hospital, they incubated him to help with his breathing... Just before I kissed him, told him I loved him and he said..."I don't want to die Mum,"   I of course replied,,, "You are not dying, I am bringing you home!"    that did not happen.   Garrett's words play over and over in my head and it makes me sick... I broke my promise.  I did not bring him home... His words haunt me...

Jackie

[Changed]

Robert,   That all sounds too awful for you all.     I cannot imagine how terrible it  was  - how devastating.   It’s beyond anything any parent should hear about their child.   I’m so sorry , Robert. 

I cannot go into details of my son’s death as his widow has requested that I don’t .   I took down my original posts .    He was ill but we didn’t think it could take him - we were on opposite sides of the world and I’m not sure if he kept stuff from us.   It breaks my heart.    Roz

[Robert C.]

Jackie, your not pathetic by any stretch. I haven't been back to work since Patrick died. I know in time I will be able to, but not right now. I retired in 2015 after 34 yrs on the job. Grabbed a little part time job so I wouldn't be under foot around the house. It lasted 1 year. I quit the day of Patrick's first seizure. 

I am fortunate to have a pension that keeps us a float. A new job will be nice as a way to stay busy and keep my mind occupied so I won't have empty time on my hands. Night time is empty time and I become depressed so easily. 

[Changed]

Jackie,    Good luck with the new job.     I hope there are some nice people there.

I wouldn’t worry about posts being rambling or anything else for that matter -  we get things off our chest  .  Roz

 

[Changed]

I don’t work but I think it must be good to have to concentrate .   I was called to jury service a few years ago - ugly cases over two weeks - I had to pay attention whilst there but when I got home it was as if all that suppressed personal grief boiled over and I’d dissolve - by the second week I was steadier so maybe a job would have been good for me.  Roz 

[Changed]

Jackie,   When you said that to Garret you will have helped him - you were not to know what would happen - can you think of it as words of kindness to lessen his fear ?   You didn’t let him down or lie to him - what else would any parent say in that situation ?  Please don’t torture yourself.  Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

Jackie,  working helps me. My coping method is to stay busy.  It is the quiet, down time that gets me. I hope it helps you too.

Carol

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you everyone, I will try.... Thanks Roz, I will try to look at it that way.  It is so hard, I can see his beautiful face....

Thank you,

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Hello all....so many new people. I found great comfort in the Compassionate Friends group meetings, sometimes is was hard to make the meetings as they are in the evenings and I had work and my son, but it really helped me to physically talk to other parents. When we moved to FL I did not like the group here so this website has been wonderful.

Michael, Christopher is doing much better. They are supposed to remove the trach today, he is only on 1 liter of oxygen, trying to remain cautiously optimistic. Worried he is rallying, so part of me is thinking about what I will need to do to bring him home and part of me is planning his funeral. Feel split in too. Just going to make tuesday as good of a day as I can, it might be the last time all 3 of us are together for a long time.  I know how you feel about birthdays and holidays, the only reason I continue is for Kyle. He deserves to have as good of a childhood as I can give him, its not his fault I miss Nique.

Didi, I went back to work after 2 weeks. I had to, bills to pay, health insurance, etc. Routine helps me but I also would go sit in my car and cry, or cry in the stairwell or file room; then slap a smile on my face and go back to my desk.

Jackie, I started a new job 8 months after Nique died. I didnt mention her for the first couple weeks, and then when I did I found out 2 other women in my office had children that had died. Best place for me to be. I hope you find peace with the new job.

The foggy brain has not left me and i am over 4 years in. I have learned to write everything down if I want to remember it. Kyle gets frustrated with me because I will ask the same question multiple times. I just tell him "mommys brain doesnt work as well as it used to."  I also still dont sleep well, used to sleep all night long without waking and now I am up every few hours. Tonight I got 5 hours of straight sleep but woke at 130am and could not go back to sleep.

I hate that this is my life now and wish my daughter was here, but I just try to live each day the beat i can until I am with her again.

[Michael Rodriguez]

hey jackie , how is the first day at the job ? i am sure you will be just fine. 

[Didi]

Thank you all for your responses to my initial post.  It can be daunting to "walk" into a new group. 

Sounds like your new job is going well, Jackie.  It's crazy how we can so easily find others who are going through the same loss.  I, too, started at a new location -- same company, tho.  We had our daughter's funeral service and burial at the funeral home/cemetery where I was working.  I felt maybe a new environment might help me get through the day without those memories.  It's only been a couple of weeks, and I am still feeling like I want to take some real time off for myself.  My hubby says give it some more time.  He's probably right.  Staying busy is better for me in some regard.  

I want to share I woke up this morning feeling totally lost.  Crying and not seeing any way out.  I logged on to this site and stumbled onto an article "Tips to Make Your Way Through Grief."  For me, I immediately felt hopeful and just a little peaceful about my journey.  I am so grateful to have found this group!

[Robert C.]

Didi, I think your idea of a new location was a smart move. You also need time to mourn. I kept the loss bottled up inside way to long. 

Finding this group has given me a different perspective, not only the sheer number of people in the same boat, but also with time I will develop better coping skills along the way. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

on may 11 last year , almost a month after B left us, i started writing to him. i just opened a word spreadsheet and started writing , i have been doing it ever since......at first it was every day ; now ill go a couple of weeks with out writting.....i always tell him how much i still love him and forever will and how much i miss him. i tell him about my days at work , about bhis friends that  come and visit and of our common interest.....for example jeeps' ......he had a JK and i had a grand cherokee ....now i have a gladiator and his mom got a wrangler JL ....so we have 3 real jeeps at home......the one that will never, ever be sold is B ....anyway , he put so much into it that is one of the nicest jeeps around....i use it at least 3 days a week .....we all got jeep tatoos ......we are also falcons fans , so i guess some time today i will tell him that matt ryan is no longer our qb , same as i told him when julio jones was traded last year. .....he was my best friend , still lived with us and every time i go upstairs at home i look at the end of the hall to his room and say "hi brian" .....everyday i ask the lord to give me a sign and i have received hints that the lord has replied ..... you have to have faith,love and hope .....that will keep you with them forever

[Robert C.]

My son loved jeeps. His first car was a Grand Cherokee. He wanted a Wrangler so bad. He just didn't fit into it very well. Patrick was between 6-04 and 6-05 and 300 lbs. He picked his second favorite a 2015 Dodge Challenger. Like you I don't think we could ever sell it. 

Thank you Michael, your post brought back a happy memory. 

[Didi]

I just re-read my earlier post and realized my fog-brain was still in full force!  I commented on Jackie meeting co-workers at her new job who had also lost a child....it was NiquesMom.  Geez.  Does this EVER get better??  I swear..everything I say I question whether it was on-point or if I have, yet again, misunderstood, misread or just missed the whole point!  

[Changed]

Didi,   I shouldn’t worry about getting people here muddled up - it is a lot of new ‘voices’ to get used to all at once but after a while many will be like old friends .    Roz

 

[Changed]

Virginia,   The news about Christopher is very welcome I’m sure and swinging to the positive.      Enjoy your visit on Tuesday and give yourself a break for the day from the ‘what next ?’ thoughts ,  if you can .   The very best of vibes to all three of you.  Roz

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

you are welcome robert !! B was a big boy also. though not as big as patrick , he was about 5'11" and was about 240lbs. i live in tegucigalpa but my factory is about 20 miles away. im about 1 1/2 mile to the interstate so it takes me less than half an hour to get to work. ever so often , i wil take a mountain trail and it takes me about 3 and half hours to get home , and i wish i could do it more often ....i go by myself , which gets the wife really upset (some spots have no cell coverage) but it is my alone time with him .  

yes virginia, just relax tomorrow and enjoy christopher and kyle together.....please.....for our sake, if you do , it will show we can get some peace sometime

[NiquesMom]

 I took kyle to the thrift store as he decided to outgrow all the clothes we had. I saw a racket, like a tennis racket, but it is asian (japanese maybe). My daughter loved all things Japan and I would have bought it for her. I have not bought anything for her since she died. But I couldnt leave the store without it. Its cute, kyle can use it outside, but it really just reminds me of her

[Changed]

Virginia,  is it a little sign from Nique ?   I’d like to think so.    Roz x

[Jacqueline3]

Hello to all,

Thank you for all the encouragements and well wishes.... It means a great deal to me!  It went okay.   I felt out of my element and as crazy as it sounds I was upset that I could not get outside to see any birds.  Everyone I met however was exceptionally nice and that helped.  It is going to take me a while but I did get the first one in.    Virginia, I have to agree with Roz, it looks like a gift from NIque.    I cannot imagine getting rid of any of Garrett's things....thinking of all of you...

Love and Hugs,

Jackie

[Changed]

Well done Jackie, that was a big step.  So glad it went well for you. Roz

[Jacqueline3]

God, I don't want to go back... Thanks Roz...