Loss of an Adult Child

[Changed]

Danielle,  you’re right, it’s not fair.    I understand everything you were saying - such a mix of emotions .  Your head must be in a spin with it all.  
How is your diabetes behaving?    Please take any opportunities that come your way to switch off , if even for only half an hour, to give yourself a break.  Not easy, I know .      Peace to you, Roz

[Lisa M.]

Roz, you might be right.  I  too just recently installed Norton software. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Morgan is in surgery right now,  exploratory to try and find what is wrong. 

[Judith fay]

Prayers for answers

[Michael Rodriguez]

 

did it open ??? wife is putting fresh flowers everyday. does anybody know how virginia is doing?

[Changed]

Carol,  As scary as it all is - far better that the medics are taking care of Morgan and know what they are dealing with .  I hope that you get good news soon. Roz

[NiquesMom]

Danielle, it is a sad fact of life that it is not fair. I am so sorry for your new round of grief. I think they call that compounded grief. It is a shame anyone learns of loss, wouldnt it be lovely to keep those we love around us all the time? I believe in heaven and await the day I am reunited with my daughter and parents. It makes me sad that my 8 year old understands we all (including him) will die. I feel like he lost some of his childhood when Nique died. Please know we are here with you.

[NiquesMom]

Hi Michael, 

It has been a long week. Friday was our 16th anniversary, celebrated in the ICU by talking to the dr about if christopher were too choose to remove support. It was a very dark day, but he decided he still wants to fight. He is out of ICU, working to be weaned off the vent. Still holding out faith and hope he will come home, but also realizing I may not get what I want.

I was not able to see your photo but I am sure its beautiful.

Carol, How are you holding up?

Prayers for morgan, and for you! Keep strong, and let us know whats going on

[Shel]

Hello to my dear friends I’m so sorry I have not been on the site to respond but I have read your posts it’s just the pain resonates with me when I read each and every one of your posts and I can barely read or see through my tears this is my first post in a while and please know that I may not respond all the time but I am reading and listening I know the grief that you’re dealing with on a daily basis! I’m sitting here on this Friday night already upset and scared to live through my  first Mother’s Day without my son Blake and what that’s gonna be like waking up that morning I know you’re all feeling the same pain as well whether it’s Father’s Day or Mother’s Day it’s all the same horrible horrible pain! Thank you for listening tonight I’m sending love and virtual hugs to all of you!

[Mason’s Mom]

Mason's first girlfriend posted this on Facebook and I think she summed up so much about him and how big his heart really was. Makes my heart feel good to know others remember such good things about him

I don’t ever speak out about this topic. Some days I can’t find the words to talk about it. Emotions come in like waves even though time has passed. But I want to share some important things I learned from someone who I loved very much.. 

1. Never go to bed mad or upset

2. Listen to music or songs people send you because they have a message in them for you

3. Pull over on the side of the road to pick flowers and dance to your favorite songs

4. A little mud never hurt your boots, vehicle, or jeans

5. Sunday is for family shows and dinner traditions

6. ALWAYS say I love you every chance you get

7. Be kind to people because you don’t know what they are battling

8. “Life is too short not to eat that box of macaroni at 2 am”

9. Never judge someone by their past

10. Feed stray dogs/cats even if they look sketchy

11. Enjoy every moment because eventually it will only be a memory

12. Be grateful for little things like a back road, sweet tea, and good friends

Mas, I miss you so much!

[Changed]

Hi Carol, that is such a treat for you to read how much she ‘got’ Mason .  It made me smile - it sounds a lot like yourself too.  I remember telling you about a piece of music that moved me and you went and found it and listened and shared those feelings with me.  You are always very kind to people here and such a loving mum and family centric.   I’m so sorry that we have cause to live on with such sadness and that our paths crossed under such circumstances and not for happier reasons.

You didn’t mention Morgan so I’m hoping that means all is well and the heightened worry past.

I’m still blocked on this site - my Norton security doesn’t like it so I’m having to use another tablet without Norton - I hope it keeps working .   Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

Morgan is doing better,  we don't have all the answers but they did remove a portion of he he stomach.  She is sore and upset because she can't pick up Magnolia.  She can hold her but no lifting for now. Thanks for asking. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

that was beutiful carol, say hi to mason's ex on my behalf it just brought tears to my eyes....but good tears

[Mason’s Mom]

Thanks Michael and I will. 

[NiquesMom]

I love that carol. I am glad morgan is recovering, though the lack of answers must be frustrating. I am praying for her and you, sending virtual hugs.

Christopher has signed a DNR, and while he continues to fight to come home, I worry it will be a matter of when his heart stops again,  not if. I do see the blessing of having the chance to make these plans with him, in case. He told me he will get to see Nique and that made me happy and sad. He was not her father and they struggled in life. So the fact he mentioned her was sweet and sad all at the same time. 

I hate all of this, for all of us.

[Michael Rodriguez]

im so sorry virginia that it has gotten to this point........must be hard to face a DNR decision

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia I think about you often and I really hope it doesn't come to the use of the DNR. I am sure Christopher is exhausted and it is hard to fight such a hard battle.  It is good that you have had a chance to talk to him. It won't leave all decisions on you. Still hoping it is just a formality and never has to be used. 

[Changed]

Virginia,  I too hope that there will not be the need to take Christopher’s direction .    I cannot believe all you have had to cope with - I hope that you are able to recharge and keep on going .     I’m thinking you all.   Roz

[Changed]

Danielle,   How are you ?   I hope that you are feeling a little more on top of all your paperwork and admin - it will take time to gain full confidence that your not missing anything in the normal arrangements for running your house -   That , of course, is all necessary stuff but you will be having to look after yourself too - is your diabetes any better?  Your lovely dog must be of so much comfort right now and I think that you have a good circle of friends as well - that is something I do not have .   Take care.  We’re here for you.  Roz

[Lisa M.]

Sending hugs to all of you today.  Oh how I miss my son's hugs.  He was taller than I and his arms just seemed to envelope me so tightly.  My emotions have been off the charts as of late.  As Don's angel day approaches,  I relive every moment of his last days on this earth.   I hope he knew how very much I loved him.  I think of you all every single day and say a prayer to get us through another gut wrenching  day.  I appreciate all of you. 

[Ramona66]

HI all

I have been looking at so many post trying to get comfort or find out a way to ease this heartbreak and loss if feel everyday all day.

My daughter Vienna angel date was 1/20/22 at the age of 32 4 days before her birthday. She passed from covid complications. She was/is such a wonder, caring, loving person & mom of her two children ages 5 & 2 years old. She was also my best friend. We talked, txt or saw each other just about every other day. She was in the hospital for 18 days when she passed and we were not allowed to see her because of covid restrictions. That is one thing that eats at my heart is i couldn't be there to hold her hand and comfort her. I didn't go see her body I let her significant other Adam do it. It would have killed me to see her like that. He & her have the 2 children together and have been together for 13 year. 

 

When we had her service I did not go for the viewing because I just couldn't see my daughter like that. It almost killed me just to see the coffin. We had her cremated, which I keep praying was the right thing to do but Adam said they had talked about how they wanted to have their bodies handled and they both wanted to be cremated. I have some of her ashes in a beautiful butterfly urn and he has some for him and the kids. 

 

This pain gets worse everyday. I just want to pick up the phone and call her or txt her but i know I will not get a response. So I have starting getting heavy in reading the bible and trying to get on the righteous path so that when i close my eyes and take my last breath i will see her again. But now this pain is unbearable. 

 

thanks for letting me share. 

God Bless!!!

[Changed]

Hello Ramona,  I’m so sorry.    It is devastating that you have lost your precious daughter and everyone here will fully understand how horrendous it is to lose a child.   We all share your pain .   I lost my own son , David, five years ago - I must say that I have found the greatest comfort , besides my husband and daughter, here amongst the other grieving parents .   That sounds bleak but there is a bond amongst us that holds us up and I hope you will feel it too .    Kindest thoughts to you ,   Roz.
 

[Ramona66]

Thank you changed. This site has really helped. I have been all over this site just reading and knowing that what I am feeling is normal.  I will continue with this group for support because I have no one to turn to that can understand the pain I am going through but this group. The lost of a child is worst lost you can experience and people that have never lost a child can not understand that pain. It's a whole lot different than any other loss.  

[Changed]

Hi Lisa,   It takes a lot of strength as you approach dreaded dates.   I’m absolutely sure Don knew how very much you loved him and continue to love him .   Nothing is easy is it?    That going over and over events is exhausting but it is all part of our grieving - I felt as if my head, heart and body couldn’t believe what had happened and I had to keep looking at it all again - if that makes any sense.

Take care,  Roz

[Changed]

Ramona,   That is so very true - it is the cruelest thing that could ever happen to a parent.  There isn’t even a term for it - that must tell us a lot .

My name is Roz , by the way.   

You may find going way back to earlier pages on this group strangely helpful - I’m not sure if it makes us feel less isolated or unusual but it certainly helped me in the early months.

Roz

[Ramona66]

3 minutes ago, Changed said:

 

 

Thanks Roz.  I will definitely take your suggestion. I have read several posts over the last few weeks. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

ramona, my name is michael and i lost my son B (brian) to complications after surgery for a tumor removal in his back ....that was april 14 last year , so we are very close to that dreaded day. i also could not see him in the casket , i saw him a few times the night before while he was in ICU ....we burried him but only month ago we decided to pull him out and cremate him take him back home with us where he belongs.

b was not only my son , but my best friend ....we worked together and we would see each other everyday , he also lived with us ....we did most everything together as we had the same taste in sports and hobbies. 

we own a very large facility that manufacture broom dowels and handles , so we would visit our many suppliers of raw material at least once a week , now i go by myself ,,,,,so you are right as how painful losing a child is and you are very welcome to be part of our group and express your pain and sorrow whenever you feel like doing so

[Robert C.]

Hi Robert C.

Brand new member to greiving.com. This is my first step in dealing with our son's death. 

We lost our adult son, Patrick, to brain cancer, GBM, on October 24 2021 at 6:06 am. 7 days after celebrating his 31st birthday. 

It feels like a journey through hell for both of us. Cancer of any kind is horrible. Brain cancer robbed him of his ability to speak in the last few weeks of his life. I am going to apologize in advance for rambling, these past few days have been terrible for me. 

Life up till cancer had been just fine. Patrick graduated from college found a job in his field and had received his first major promotion the day before his first major seizure, Nov 30, 2017. By Dec 1st. they had removed a large tumor from the area around his frontal lobe. The Dr told us it was GBM cancer, it was always fatal and at most he would live five yrs.

His recovery was remarkable and he was able to return to work for almost 1 year. Cancer let's you hope and pray and believe you just might be the one to beat the odds. Then it crushes you with its return. 

Trying to keep this kind of short. Patrick passed away in hospice with me, my wife and our daughter by his side. All of us feeling like there could have been more we could have done. Something we should have seen. Memories we should have made some how between hospital stays and treatments. We are hurt, angry, grief stricken and feel like the life and happiness have been sucked out of us.

That's our story, cancer and death suck. A child, no matter their age, should never die before their parents. 

[Changed]

Hi Robert,   I’m so sorry that you lost Patrick and I fully appreciate all the emotions you are feeling.   Sadly , everyone here knows exactly how it feels.    Losing a child is so wrong and it changes us to the bone - life is forever altered and that takes a lot of getting used to.

You will find that we all have a different story that brought us here but from now on we are in it together and you are very welcome to join us. 

I’m Roz and I live in Devon , UK .   I lost my son , David, at the end of 2016 ( how I detest even seeing that year written down)  so that is five years of trying to get back on my feet. - I didn’t think that I’d survive such agony and all consuming sadness but here I am.

Much sympathy and empathy to be found here, Robert,    Peace to you, Roz

[Ramona66]

Hi Michael

Yes our stories are pretty similar.  The one thing that eases my heart somewhat is the last time a saw her while she was in the hospital was on video chat. She couldn't speak because she had this mask to trying to supply her oxygen. The last words I said to her was I love you will all my heart and I can't lose you. She died a few days later. 

She had been suffering for over a year with seizures every month when she was on her menstrual and the doctors could not figure out why. Every time she had one it would just drain her physically and emotionally. She was not longer herself. The last time she was in the hospital for the seizures she was in the for 7 days and for a few of those days they couldn't get them to stop. Eventually they found a remedy of meds that stopped them but she was not herself anymore. Every time she had one I was always there when I would get the calls at 3am from her boyfriend Adam. Didn't matter what time of the day or night I would be by her side in the hospital or at her home.  There are certain things she would tell me that when I look back she was tired. I don't think she thought she would die from covid but from the seizures. I tried everything to get her seen by a doctor that specializes in the types of seizures she was having and when I did a month or so later she was gone. I feel my daughter is a peace because her body was failing her and she couldn't be the Mom she wanted to be because of all the meds they had her on. 

 

Thank you for welcoming me to the group and I am certain you will be hearing from me quite often. 

[Jacqueline3]

Hello to all,

I am not very good with the internet or any type of group chat or discussion... I not sure of the etiquette and such.  Reaching out after losing Garrett was my first time to do so in any capacity.  I hope I am not intruding by posting on this site.  but I did want to tell  Carol,  I am glad to hear Morgan is doing a little better, I have been thinking of her.   My thoughts and prayers to all of you.

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

welcome robert c , my name is michael and right before your post , i introduce myself to ramona. most of the time i am the only male around here .....i figure most dads' hold back their  feelings !!!! i have been able to find some peace within my grief while being part of this group. B was about to be 29 on june 19 and i miss him so much !!! i have a bunch of pictures of him right here on my desk that i routinely change along with a cigar ( he enjoyed smoking cigars) ......so believe me , i know your grief because i carry it myself also. 

half of my heart has always belonged to B , the rest is to share with my daughter and the rest of my family 

[Changed]

Dear Jackie - you are more than welcome to post on or just read on any of our posts /sites - that is what we’d like you to do. There is no etiquette that I know of  so just go for it.
Please never worry about saying the ‘wrong’ thing or ‘upsetting’ anyone with a different take on beliefs or grief.   I think we all get a pass here to say whatever we want to - maybe give politics a swerve though ( that is in the owner’s rules and probably for the best) .  I’d like to think that we are supportive, tolerant and non judgmental of each other .

If you look back to a couple of postings here you will see Carol’s update on her daughter .     Roz
 

[Robert C.]

I promise I will read each one of your replies and stories a hundred times. Just can't do it right now. Started to unravel from the other page. Thank you for opening your hearts to a person in need. 

Robert

[Jacqueline3]

Thank Roz, don't even want to think about politics.  ugh... just trying to get through the day.   Michael been thinking of you, I know your one year is so close.  Robert, we are all here for you.

Thinking of you all,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

thanks jackie , yes ..... i am very close

[Jacqueline3]

The days do go by, but I am still at a loss to explain how it can seem like we just lost Garrett yesterday and at the same time feel like we have been writhing in a sea of agony for an eternity. 

[Ramona66]

Hi Jackie & Michael 

 

I can't even imagine what it is going to feel like a year from my daughter angle date. It will only be 2 months on 3/20 and everyday that goes by without her just gets harder. I find myself thinking about every holiday or occasion and she is not going to be here to observe with us and it is agonizing. It really seems like there is no end in sight for this pain. But I just pray everyday for the Lord to give me strength and peace. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dear Ramona,

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.  It is six and a half months since i lost my Garrett.  He is my son but also one of the best friends a person could have.  I do understand how you feel, I think of all the things I will not see Garrett do or experience... all of the things I will do or experience without him and my heart and soul break all over again.   He was just 22.  When we passed his 23 birthday, I thought I would not survive.  The pain does get harder and harder for me as well.  I know that all of us will grieve the rest of our lives  and that is a hard realization to accept.  I just want my precious Garrett to come home..   I am still just going through  the motions much of the time.   I am a painter and I sew, that has been something that I have done to keep busy and create which is something that I have shared with all three of my children.  It helps some of the time but mostly, I am still searching for a way to cope with the unimaginable and agonizing loss of my son.  I am thinking of you.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Ramona, Robert, Jackie...so sorry you are all going through this. This is the worst thing i have ever experienced, and it is so true that if you have not lost a child you will not understand. My 18 year old daughter died 12/21/17, in a car/pedestrian accident. I remember not thinking I could survive 4 days, but it has been over 4 years now. Most days I can just keep trucking along, and then a wave of grief will just hit. I know I will never be the same person, my smile rarely reaches my eyes anymore. 

But you will find moments of joy, and try to allow yourself to feel happy even if it is only for a moment. 

I know I will see my daughter again one day, and try to enjoy being here with my husband and son until I reunite with her again.

Please give yourselves space and grace.

[Jacqueline3]

Thank you Niques Mom for the encouragement...  I am so sorry you lost your daughter.  It changes you forever...

[Robert C.]

Yes thank you NiquesMom. This is the 22 week without Patrick. I have realized my wife and I haven't even scratched the surface of this journey. 

The kind and thoughtful insights are a great blessing. We have run across a few acquaintances that implied it was time to move on with our lives, it's all we can do not to want to yell and scream at them that they have no idea....there will never be a day we won't feel the loss of our son in one way or another!  In time God willing we will be a complete family again. 

[Mason’s Mom]

12 hours ago, Jacqueline3 said:

Hello to all,

I am not very good with the internet or any type of group chat or discussion... I not sure of the etiquette and such.  Reaching out after losing Garrett was my first time to do so in any capacity.  I hope I am not intruding by posting on this site.  but I did want to tell  Carol,  I am glad to hear Morgan is doing a little better, I have been thinking of her.   My thoughts and prayers to all of you.

Jackie

Thanks Jackie,  it is a relief to see her color and energy returning. We are not here to judge wach but to support one another. 

[Mason’s Mom]

On 3/17/2022 at 2:39 PM, Ramona66 said:

HI all

I have been looking at so many post trying to get comfort or find out a way to ease this heartbreak and loss if feel everyday all day.

My daughter Vienna angel date was 1/20/22 at the age of 32 4 days before her birthday. She passed from covid complications. She was/is such a wonder, caring, loving person & mom of her two children ages 5 & 2 years old. She was also my best friend. We talked, txt or saw each other just about every other day. She was in the hospital for 18 days when she passed and we were not allowed to see her because of covid restrictions. That is one thing that eats at my heart is i couldn't be there to hold her hand and comfort her. I didn't go see her body I let her significant other Adam do it. It would have killed me to see her like that. He & her have the 2 children together and have been together for 13 year. 

 

When we had her service I did not go for the viewing because I just couldn't see my daughter like that. It almost killed me just to see the coffin. We had her cremated, which I keep praying was the right thing to do but Adam said they had talked about how they wanted to have their bodies handled and they both wanted to be cremated. I have some of her ashes in a beautiful butterfly urn and he has some for him and the kids. 

 

This pain gets worse everyday. I just want to pick up the phone and call her or txt her but i know I will not get a response. So I have starting getting heavy in reading the bible and trying to get on the righteous path so that when i close my eyes and take my last breath i will see her again. But now this pain is unbearable. 

 

thanks for letting me share. 

God Bless!!!

Romona, you are so fresh in your grief. The things that go through our mind can make us feel out of control and we question our sanity. I saw a grief counselor for a few months.  It helped me learn to focus on other thoughts. I tell everyone we suffer from PTSD,  my mind seemed to be on an endless loop, getting that call, being told we didn't make it in time to see him, climbing in the back of the ambulance to touch him and tell him how much I loved him. If you have an opportunity find a counselor.  We are here to listen and offer comfort,  we understand your pain. 

 

[Mason’s Mom]

19 hours ago, Robert C. said:

Hi Robert C.

Brand new member to greiving.com. This is my first step in dealing with our son's death. 

We lost our adult son, Patrick, to brain cancer, GBM, on October 24 2021 at 6:06 am. 7 days after celebrating his 31st birthday. 

It feels like a journey through hell for both of us. Cancer of any kind is horrible. Brain cancer robbed him of his ability to speak in the last few weeks of his life. I am going to apologize in advance for rambling, these past few days have been terrible for me. 

Life up till cancer had been just fine. Patrick graduated from college found a job in his field and had received his first major promotion the day before his first major seizure, Nov 30, 2017. By Dec 1st. they had removed a large tumor from the area around his frontal lobe. The Dr told us it was GBM cancer, it was always fatal and at most he would live five yrs.

His recovery was remarkable and he was able to return to work for almost 1 year. Cancer let's you hope and pray and believe you just might be the one to beat the odds. Then it crushes you with its return. 

Trying to keep this kind of short. Patrick passed away in hospice with me, my wife and our daughter by his side. All of us feeling like there could have been more we could have done. Something we should have seen. Memories we should have made some how between hospital stays and treatments. We are hurt, angry, grief stricken and feel like the life and happiness have been sucked out of us.

That's our story, cancer and death suck. A child, no matter their age, should never die before their parents. 

Robert,  I agree we shouldn't out live our children. We lost our son December 17th,  2017 and we all live with the what ifs or we should haves. Don't apologize for talking about your loss. I believe it is helpful to talk about it. You should be proud of his accomplishments. 

[Mason’s Mom]

As I read the post I am Thankful for this group and I hope some of us who have passed painful milestones can be of help. Roz and Virginia have helped me and I feel a connection with them that can't be replaced. 

Everyone grieves in their own way and time.  Only someone who has lost a child will understand. Robert you won't just move on, your life has been turned upside down and you will forever changed. My husband doesn't talk as much about his pain, but I see it. My daughters deal with their grief so differently. My oldest doesn't talk about it and gets very uncomfortable if we mention it she talks about her brother but no talk of grief.  My youngest will call or message me and tell me when she has a bad day she also believes her brother is watching put for her. 

Romana, I paid my son's cell phone bill for 3 years because I couldn't bear the thought of turning it off.  I would call just to hear his voice.  I recorded his greeting before I finally had his number disconnected. 

[Robert C.]

Mason's Mom 

Thank you for confirming what i/we feel in our hearts that this wound will be with us for life just as the love for our son and daughter will be there forever.  Right now it's very raw and angry for me. 

[Robert C.]

I am reaching out for the life raft. I would normally be stoic and suffer in silence like I did when my folks passed away. This hurt is so much deeper. I have no way of explaining. I do know if I don't talk about his death and our pain, it will eat me alive and I won't be of any use to my family. 

[Jacqueline3]

Dear Robert,   The last few months I had taken my son to the doctor and ER so many times for an elevated heart rate.  They ran heart tests and everyone kept telling me he was fine.  No one looked any further.  As is turned out Garrett had a liver abnormality that was causing his heart rate to elevate.  The abnormality turned his blood acidic and by the time it fully reared its head, it was shutting down his organ systems.  he was only 22.   I have gone over and over what should I have seen, what had I missed,.....  I am angry as well, sometimes the rage is overwhelming but once its spent, then quickly on its heals comes the utter despair....  People have said the most painful, stupid things and it hurts so very much.  One person told me losing Garrett was not the end of the world and I flew into a rage... It is the end of any world I have ever known!!  My Son is gone!!  My emotions are so raw and volatile, there are times I feel so overrun by them.  I am usually much more even tempered.  That is the way I have felt Robert... I need to talk about Garrett and his loss and that I love and miss him so very much.  That is why this sight is so important to me.  I can talk here.  Two of my three children have had medical issues...  I have always been a fighter,  We have a problem then okay, pull up our boot straps and lets find a way to get through this and fix it.... Losing Garrett had knocked me to the ground and I am still trying to even get to my knees.  For the first time in my life, I am broken and unable to even find a way to stand.  Talk, rant, rage, cry, scream.. I and everyone else here will listen, we are feeling or have felt the exact same thing, not matter the circumstances of our loss.  No parent should ever have to endure this pain.

Hugs and love,

Jackie. 

[Robert C.]

Dear Jackie, thank you for sharing Garrett's story. I am glad those feelings are not unique to just me. 

People say the stupidest things attempting to be well meaning.  It really pisses me off when it happens. 

My wife shuts them down with I know you mean well but if your not sure what to say just don't! I guess we have become very blunt to avoid unnecessary pain.