Loss of an Adult Child

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Well, we fired the first attorney, and are preparing for court with 2nd one, and will appeal the first case for the peace order. Just tonight, my daughter is on her way to meet with the 2nd attorney, and again sees this woman in our town, and the driver once again flips her off. The drama continues...

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky...do you have any of this that you can bring to court....if not...it will only be hearsay...you have this recorded by phone...or witness ??

 

 

Laurie...or someone...can you please post the song....Angel Flight....??

[Angel Boy of Mine]

yes, Jasmine had a witness with her, but I have told her she needs to try to take a picture. She just never knows when to expect her. So sick of this behavior.

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky...am only bringing this up....because...your lawyer needs to tell you....a good lawyer....you need proof...hearsay will never stand up in any court....ever....

[Mermaid Tears]

A witness will do....but that witness needs to know...she will have to go to court and swear what she saw...

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Hey Susan, it was Jasmine's boyfriend, and he will go and swear to what he saw. 

[lovU2themoon]

We too have had another young person die in a car accident, an 18 yr old girl. Ironically, the young girls dad's girlfriend is the women i dealt with at the bank, who gave me such a hard time about Lane's estate

Funny how people come into our lives and the reasons why. Maybe i came into her life to allow her to be more compassionate when her own tragedy struck. 

Heartbreaking for the girls family, and everyone regardless

 

Thursday we have a meeting at Lane's high school to petition the government to do something about the highway, to install lights or reduce the speed along that 17km stretch. I struggle with going, not really ready to go to his high school, but if i can help so another family does not have to go thru this, and help make the road safer, I might have to. Not sure, could just sent my sister too, she offered to go. 

Lane's name is on a memorial plaque in front of the office, makes my stomach turn to realize its there. 

 

My antidepressants must be working,(i am on two different ones)  i seem to no longer fell that incredible desperate feeling, that overwhelming need to be with Lane, 

Now if i could get rid of some of the anxiety, i might be able to get out more. 

 

Thinking of you all

Wanda

 

to many names on this plaque, most of them killed on that 17km of highway that runs from the high school, and along 3 communities. Lane's name is last. 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thanks Wade, see you posted the song...

 

We both must be having a sleepless night...it is 1 am now...was my birthday...I just am  having a hard time with this is now my life

 

[wgreenlee]

Becky...

Hoping so much that everything works out.  Go get that girl and let the court hear the truth...  The truth will prevail!  Tell Jasmine that we are thinking and pulling for her.

 

Carol...

Again, so thankful for Kim's surgery and the complete recovery she will make.

 

Dee...

"It makes no sense, it just is. Somehow, it just is."

 

It all makes no sense at all.  Lives shattered for no reason.  I just feel so helpless lately.  Sat with Brooks again this afternoon and saw that big pile of dirt waiting to fill the hole, just as it filled Brooks' hole.  I wanted to dig it all up and see my boy one more time. Just once more, God.  It's been so long.  Everything I was...everything I did....who I was...was for Brooks.  Now, there is none of that.  I will have to come to grips with that, but the days seem to be getting harder.  The more I try to cope, the less I am "me."  Brooks was "me."  I know it will get better...there were beautiful flowers at the grave.  

 

Thank you all for the help and comfort.  Guess I just need to get back on the horse...

 

Susan...

Here's the video...I'd never heard this song and it was good to hear.  Little things...

 

[SamDsmom]

Wade,

Somedays are more tolerable than others. About the time I think I get a little relief, a far away memory, a smell, something little can trigger the reality and it all comes crashing down again.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I’m catching up on reading. Yesterday seems to have been rough for some of us.

 

Debbie,

Yes… so many triggers…

 

Laurie,

It sounds like your birthday was a hard day for you. I remember mine last year. It was just over a month after Trista left and I didn’t want to acknowledge it at all. I hope today is better for you. I’m keeping you in my thoughts.

 

Wade,

Thank you for sharing the story of the man at Brooks’ site. It was good for me to hear too.  I’ve always loved the Native American cultures. My family has roots in the Cherokee Nation. My great great grandmother was full Cherokee on my Gramma’s side. I’m so sorry for all the pain and loss you’ve been witnessing around you. It’s all so hard.

 

Wanda,

I can understand wanting to help make changes in Lane’s honor and to help prevent other tragedies. I’m doing that too in our community to make changes at the intersection where Trista was killed. I also know how hard and how painful it is. It brings it all to the surface. I’m thinking of you and Lane. I’m glad that the antidepressants seem to be helping some.

 

Becky,

I’m keeping you all in my prayers and my prayers are for truth and justice.

 

Sandy,

You and your husband and family remain in my prayers.

 

Yesterday was very very hard. I had high anxiety all day. By evening it had turned into a full blown panic attack. The day was so much like the day I lost my Trista. Sunny and warm, thundershowers in the evening. My husband took Aiden out with him. The storm hit and it started with high wind and hail. It didn’t last long but long enough for me to panic. He didn’t answer when I called. He was driving so I’m glad he didn’t but it fed my fear. By the time they got home I was in a total panic attack.

 

I still struggle with the reality of my life. There are times it hits me, many times a day. My stomach drops my heart constricts and the thought… My daughter is really gone. To me, it’s like the opposite of that joyful realization I would have so often after Tris was born and with each one of my kids. That sudden jolt of realization that would come even as she grew… when she was 2, 8, even 17 years old. When, going about our normal routine and I would just look at her and it would hit me. She is mine. I did good. And I would be so grateful for this gift of life… of this amazing person. And now, I’m hit with such an opposite realization. My Girl is gone. I am still so thankful and grateful for the time I had with her. I still look at her life as a precious gift but I just want her back. I know she won’t be walking through the door but there is still a part of me that has not and cannot accept this. I don’t know if I should be past that at almost a year but I’m not and I don’t know if I ever will be. There is a part of me that cleans her room, not to preserve but to prepare. There is a part of me that tends her garden for her return.

 

There is a Spiritual teacher here where I live. I talked with her shortly after I lost Trista. She took part in a healing ceremony that was done for us. She told me that everything on earth is a reflection from heaven. Every tree, every flower is a concrete, physical symbol of the beauty of the other side. I’m not sure I quite understand the concept or what she meant but the thought, I liked. She said when we do something loving here the love is felt in heaven. When we plant a tree, tend the Earth, create a work of art, offer ourselves in service to others… it is all felt in heaven and when we do those things in honor and love for someone ‘over there’ they feel it. Their Souls receive the gift. They may not receive physically the flower that we plant but they do receive the love. I love that.

 

My Gramma’s dream has carried me over the past days. I did some reading and found that people have related experiences that are very much like those described in NDE’s through lucid dreams and meditation. I do believe this was a visitation and that my Gramma did see my Tris and my Grandpa happy together.

I’m thinking of everyone today sending wishes for a peaceful day.

[Mermaid Tears]

Wanda...applause for your community coming together to get that 'death highway' under control.....numbers do not lie...and by doing that....who knows how many families will be saved from this grief journey....please keep us informed on how it goes...it may shed a light for many on this site that now knows that something needs to change in their traffic laws...

 

If you really feel like it would be upsetting for you to attend....and your sister will....(and don't feel guilty...this is a time for you to take care of yourself and know your limits)....maybe you could write something she could read.....or....bring the newspaper article that was so well written.

    I think depression and anxiety are 'very normal' this early in the grief journey....please don't 'ask too much of yourself' at this time....

 

Wade....those words are meant for you, too.....'don't ask too much of yourself at this time'.....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Carol,

I’m so glad that things went the way they did for Kim. I’m sending prayers for a speedy recovery and for rest and comfort for you.

 

Colleen,

Thank you for sharing the story of ‘feeling’ Brian. Those stories shared do help my heart.

 

Kate,

I loved seeing the pictures you posted. The lily is beautiful and what a breathtaking view. My favorite though is that little sweetheart and her puppy.

 

Susan,

I agree about the healing powers of Mother Nature. I know it is when I feel the most peace. I am going to make an outdoor meditation spot for myself. I already have the spot planned. There is a small bit of space… maybe 10 x10 between the walls of my deck (it’s elevated) and my fence. It’s closed in on three sides which makes it feel very private and secure… perfect for panic attacks. I’m going to fill it with flowers and plants and windchimes and have a sacred spot outdoors that I can go.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I read this today and wanted to share it... so true and beautiful.

 

The truest words of all: I will not forget you.
You are in my waking thoughts,
my sweetest memories, my dearest dreams.
I will not forget you.
You have touched my soul, opened my eyes,
changed my very experience of the universe....
I will not forget you.
I see you in the flowers, the sunset,
the sweep of the horizon
and all things that stretch to infinity.
I will not forget you.
I have carved you on the palm of my hand.
I carry you with me forever.

~ Ellen Sue Stern (Living With Loss, 1995)

 

Trista Mae,

I love you so much. You have touched my soul and opened my eyes. I will carry you with me forever. Love, Mom

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie.....belated Birthday wishes...I do hope you gave yourself some kind of 'gift'...maybe you read an article that opened a portal...maybe you re-read something that gave you comfort...maybe you sat quietly and let Mother Nature give you a hug with her arms of wind....

 

 

Shannon....those words are for you, too....'don't ask too much of yourself'.....

  I, too, have been asking myself....'should I be farther along on this grief journey'....

but...Dee has said there is no time marker...time limit....

these are uncharted waters for all of us....

maybe something happened in the Universe...

I felt crummy and cruddy all day yesterday.....I did not get 'one' thing accomplished...

 

I do like what that Faith Healer said....that all good things we do are felt in Heaven...

and I like your idea of a 'space' for you....a place to rest your sorrow...and lick the broken places...

So many will relate ...'I would pat myself on the back....look at that kid of mine'....

just bustin' out with pride...

I do believe we are a very brave group....Dee has said...'how brave we are to even live one day after losing a child'...

we are the bravest when the tears are running down our face...and sobs break our hearts....but we carry on...

     maybe it is the change of seasons that has us tangled up...

I do believe your Grama had an amazing visitation dream...

I copied that poem...thanks for sharing...

[ericasmom]

And Susan, I do mean that with my whole brave self. I remember those six days in the hospital, knowing that ERica was going to leave, walking all of her buddies down that long hallway to say goodbye over those 6 days. I was brave but shaking like jello in a bowl andthose first two years especially after ERi did leave, stronger than I knew because I felt so exhausted and so hyper all at once, I had no focus of any sort, just a wandering soul and found my strength all around me in the outdoors. I remember feeling that I am not weak, how could I possibly be weak to have traveled this terrible sadness and to have lived on day past my Girl? How could that be weakness. STrength and bravado does not always look like it sounds, sometimes it is a bowl of shaking jello, but oh, the amazing qualities that lay within. I remember days when I wished to just lay on the pavement along my walk and sleep, too tired to go on and face the rest of the day, but I went forward anyhow, had to, still here. Still here for a reason.

 

Love the visit for Grandmom Shannon.

[shorty16]

Shannon,

No truer words have ever been spoken. Love the poem.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[daveydow1]

HELLO TO ALL  MY INDIGO FRIENDS.........Yikes....I am so behind with reading/posting.

 

 

Laurie-----

Thanks for   your  kind words.  Yes, we do see a lot of critters out here.....Some

are welcome sights, others....not so much. My husband has been observing a very large

raccoon who seems to be living high up in  a maple tree about 100 yds. away.....he watches it

with his binoculars. It may be a lg. male, or perhaps an expectant female.  It comes down out

of the tree each evening about 8 p.m.  I believe that you have observed something that is

rarely seen......a mama fox with her baby.  While I have seen foxes in the wild areas once in

awhile,......I have never seen a fox kit with its mama.  Such a site it would be to see.

 

Wade-----Thanks for posting the video.

 

Dee----I agree that somehow, we do have strength in times of hardship, but that we

seem doubtful about how we were able to have it.  Your experience when ERi  survived

for 6 days, and without medical hope of recovery must have been unbelievably difficult.

I guess we just somehow keep on going, and gain strength along the way with the help

of nature, or wherever we may find it.

 

Carol-----I'm so glad that Kim is doing better now.  I can attest to the worry and anguish

that goes along with serious surgeries or medical procedures.  My daughter, Becky, also

had surgery last Oct. for a complicated bowel problem.  We were like your family....praying

and praying for her survival and recovery.  We were blessed that it turned out well.  Your

story of your family taking some of Mike's ashes to be placed under the marker was very

touching.  Also, it must have been a pleasant surprise to see the kind workers  there with their

Red Sox t-shirts on.  Prayers for Kim's continuing recovery.

 

Shannon----thank you for posting that lovely poem.  What energy you must have had to plant

all the flowers, pussy willow, and 60 berry bushes! Wishing you luck with them.  We have

some raspberry bushes back near the grape arbor, but the birds or raccoons always beat us

to the punch each year, and strip all the berries off before we can get to them.  Now, I gave

up hope, and consider the berries as their 'dessert bar' .....my gift to them.  

 

Stevesmom----Hearing Steve's voice is a sign that he is very near to you.

 

 

Kate----

So nice that Jeff's friend sent you a message. These seemingly small things can

mean so very much to us.  Peace to you.

 

 

   WISHING      PEACE   &     COMFORT     TO    ALL   INDIGOS.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

[SamDsmom]

Thinking of everyone tonight. Too tired to respond individually, but we are taking a few days if so I will be able to catch up over the weekend.

Today I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope. I have to focus and try to balance. Sometimes I just want to let go and fall off. It is so long. Don't know if that makes sense it's just a thought that came to me

Sam I love you. You live on in my heart. I miss you.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Debbie,

It absolutely does make sense... Walking a tightrope and wanting to fall off. Dee talks about how she felt like just lying down where she stood on her walk. Just stopping is something I wish for too. Sometimes I visualize just going away... As far away as possible. Of course, I would take my grief with me wherever I go but I could leave everything else behind... All those things that just add layer upon layer to our suffering. I could go away and shut it all out and just be alone with my grief. That's not feasible, I know but I still think about it.

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This was on my FB this morning....

and it is the recurring theme in all we post on this site...

'who' we were

'who' we are now

not only dealing with the grief journey

but dealing with 'the new life' we live now

foreign to us in familiar places

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee...and so many on this site talk of the sleep patterns so chaotic....

grief by itself is so exhausting...

and you would think that we could sleep like a baby with the 100 mile an hour emotions that we can cycle in just one hour...

and so I know now...more than ever....the connection between the broken heart and the shattered mind...

not knowing how to process this horrific situation we find ourselves in...

for there is simply nothing in the earth home....material world....spirit world...book...classroom...seminar that can prepare you for this ....

and our grief journey is unique as our child was unique...

like snowflakes...no two are the same...

no cookie cutter recipe...

mourning does have some common stages

but they are never in an exact order

and I think there lies the confusion we encounter

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan,

Your words are so true. It is exhausting.

 

Today has been really tough. It's my anniversary. It's also Beltane/May Day...the halfway mark between the Spring Equinox and Summer Solstice (Trista's Birthday). She loved all the Celtic holidays. It's also 11 months today. My husband brought me flowers for Trista's garden. They're beautiful. I feel like I've let him down because I just can't smile today. I've spent the entire day with tears just ready to spill over. They have quite a few times today and I feel he had more expectations for me today than I can give.  

 

Thinking of everyone tonight.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....

so many can recite your words....

the sunshine day....the love of our family...

and yet...our lips quiver...

tears just slide slowly down our face...

we are just a mosaic of who we were...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

From Susan's FB post earlier, "I have some friends that say, “You will get out of your funk someday” and “You have to keep y our chin up”, etc. Well my chin is just on my face and I am not in a “funk”! I am only living a “new” life. My old life included my son being alive.…"

 

Susan, this is so true. It is hard somedays just to breath...

 

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening...

 

 

[ericasmom]

Indeed to all things said there. I love that Susan said, well my chin is just on my face...perfect answer back to those who tell us to keep our chin up. Stiff upper lip and all that. I know that they may mean well, but many times they are saying, you need, NEED, to get better because you are making ME uncomfortable.  I do continue to say, that their being uncomfortable is their problem, certainly cannot be mine.

Sleep and time, never the same again, very abstract for many years for me. I will though, happily report that sleep became more readily accessible as a few years went past the initial loss of Erica Eileen. Ebb and flow, the cycling back of the stages of grief, never linear and never in order and yes, they do cycle through many times.

 

Laurie, thanks for sharing that pretty poem. We carry them with us, and even though we lose the sharp edges of some of our memories, we remember the most important parts.

 

Shannon, I do remember that 11 month mark, the countdown toward a year, the unbelievable amount of time, the wish and frantic prayer that we never had to be in this place, in this loss place. Crumbled. It is good that your husband brought you flowers for the Tris garden, but it does not mean that you owe him or anyone a happy face, it simply is good that he thought to do that. A kind act needn't have an expectation attached.

 

Carol, how is KIM?

 

Sherry, tomorrow it is supposed to feel like spring here, it has not felt like spring for many many days. The ground temp is till only about 48-52. Too cold for planting most veggies.

[wgreenlee]

So many poignant, yet beautiful words shared lately.  I am always so blessed coming here.  May will be a tough month with all of our birthdays, Mother's Day, and our anniversary.  Always used to be the best month...so many celebrations...school ending...baseball playoffs.  Gotta get used to it...

 

Wanda...

Way too many names on that plaque.  Hoping all goes well at your meeting tonight.  I imagine it is already done.  Prayers to you for strength and guidance.

"Funny how people come into our lives and the reasons why. Maybe i came into her life to allow her to be more compassionate when her own tragedy struck."

Yesterday I was just leaving Brooks and I saw a car pull up with a man driving.  There had been a burial right next to Brooks that afternoon, and I thought maybe it was the husband coming back to visit so I turned around and went back to Brooks' site.  His name was John and his wife had just passed on from complications from MS.  We had a good long visit together talking about our loved ones...we helped each other.  I'm glad I stayed.  I will post the beautiful flowers that were at his wife's site, along with the flowers at David's site right next to her's.

 

 

Susan...

Happy Belated Birthday!!

 

Sleepless nights...yes.  That saying has so much meaning for all you mothers.  What a beautiful thought!

 

Debbie...

Hoping you have a couple restful days.  Even though I have been working so hard, I know that I always feel better when I get a day with no obligations...no special worries...just "my" day to do whatever.  I hope you have one of those.

 

Shannon...

"I still struggle with the reality of my life. There are times it hits me, many times a day. My stomach drops my heart constricts and the thought… My daughter is really gone. To me, it’s like the opposite of that joyful realization I would have so often after Tris was born and with each one of my kids. That sudden jolt of realization that would come even as she grew… when she was 2, 8, even 17 years old. When, going about our normal routine and I would just look at her and it would hit me. She is mine. I did good. And I would be so grateful for this gift of life… of this amazing person. And now, I’m hit with such an opposite realization. My Girl is gone. I am still so thankful and grateful for the time I had with her. I still look at her life as a precious gift but I just want her back. I know she won’t be walking through the door but there is still a part of me that has not and cannot accept this. I don’t know if I should be past that at almost a year but I’m not and I don’t know if I ever will be. There is a part of me that cleans her room, not to preserve but to prepare. There is a part of me that tends her garden for her return."

 

Out of all the shared feelings on this site, that seems to sum it up best for me, too...the poem too.  During certain moments I still sometimes forget that my boy is gone. I know it's unnatural, but I also just can't accept this new reality.  Should I be beyond that?  And every time that happens I just want to scream aloud like the first few months.  I love Renea dearly, but Brooks and I shared a special bond, partly because of "father and only son", but also I was the main driving force in his recovery.  I was always there no matter what.  Always there for playing catch or the batting cage...helping him make a little extra money.  There is a poem I read somewhere about God just loaning our children to us, and He thanks us for taking care of our children, but now it's His turn...well, I want my turn back. 

 

And Happy Anniversary!

 

Susan...

"Wade....those words are meant for you, too.....'don't ask too much of yourself at this time'....."

 

That is such good advice...partly because it's just good common sense, but, and this may sound a little "off," I want all of you to know I am making strides in my grief.  I know this is a place where we can tell "all," but it's always refreshing to hear others are having good moments....gives me hope.  You all are so inspirational...with everything going on in all of our lives...you find the time to listen...share...comfort...and provide that special "hope."  When I feel really bad and need to vent like lately, I also want to provide that "hope" back.  Hopefully this made sense.

 

Kate...

Watching Montreal in overtime...you can't give up three goals in the third period and let the team back.  I would like them to play the Wild.  Always thinking of Ross and praying for good health to come his way.

 

Canadians just won!!!

 

Dee...

"STrength and bravado does not always look like it sounds, sometimes it is a bowl of shaking jello, but oh, the amazing qualities that lay within. I remember days when I wished to just lay on the pavement along my walk and sleep, too tired to go on and face the rest of the day, but I went forward anyhow, had to, still here. Still here for a reason."

 

I really needed that...thank you!  Sometimes trying to be strong just doesn't work too well, but society says that's the best way.  Pooey on that!  We are all still here for a reason...yes, I still have "good deeds" to do.  Still wishing you guys would get your spring weather.  70s today and the sun is shining.  I love just sitting in Brooks' shade tree now...listening to the birds...watching the little bunnies run around everywhere.  I know we need rain, but the sun is just so nice.

 

Sherry...

We have a big old coon that comes up onto our deck at nights.  Doesn't bother our cat or the stray that Renea is trying to make into our second cat, but it sure is big.  Renea thinks it's really cute...the eyes, of course.

 

Thinking of everyone else...all of you!

 

Me and Brooks...

 

 

After getting home yesterday I reached into my pocket for the quarter and nickel that Brooks left me in his truck...carry them every day...and they were gone. Became a little frantic and looked everywhere...that's just not me...but I thought I betrayed Brooks a little because I had lost them.  Well, when I went to visit him today that quarter and nickel were stacked up right on his site.  They had fallen out of my pocket after taking this picture.  Huge relief...not sure it means anything other than maybe I shouldn't be taking any "selfies," but maybe Brooks needed to borrow it...must be cheaper to buy stuff in heaven.

 

Love you, son!  I'll be ok, buddy...I really will.

[wgreenlee]

Renea came home from bowling tonight crying and the first thing she said was, "May used to be such a fun month."  It's only May 1st...it will be a long month.  Her mother is coming tonight to Reno to bowl so that will be nice.  Just need to keep busy.

 

Good night all!  Sweet dreams of your beautiful children!

[Tbearw58]

Renea came home from bowling tonight crying and the first thing she said was, "May used to be such a fun month."  It's only May 1st...it will be a long month.  Her mother is coming tonight to Reno to bowl so that will be nice.  Just need to keep busy.

 

Good night all!  Sweet dreams of your beautiful children!

Wade my thoughts and prayers will be with you all this month. I will be in Vegas on the 14 15 16 My daughter is getting married.

[Jeff's Mom]

Had lunch with someone the other day. I felt uneasy and could not really settle. She spent the entire time talking about her kids. After lunch we decided to go into a little store that carries so many attractive and tempting items. The salesclerk who was waiting on a lady glanced up as we walked in. My companion quietly mentioned that she was an angel reader??? Whatever that is. She then asked her if we could have her number, and if she could give us a reading some time. Well, I have to say that I was very upset with my "friend". I did not want any part of it. The fact the woman was dressed like something from a gypsy caravan show and had hair dyed four shades of red also led me to be skeptical. She was not one bit like the sweet and average woman that gave me that message about Jeff a year ago. I turned to my friend and told her that I was satisfied with the message I had received, and that from now on it required faith and determination to keep going. I had the only message I needed and for free! I'll hold on to that.

 

On the drive home she turned to me as said," You must have been upset when Jeff died." Well, duh!!!! You think? Bar none the best one liner to date.

 

Wade...awesome! Good game. Glad you found your coins. I too carry a four leaf clover and a St. Christopher  medal that Jeff had in his wallet. The flowers are beautiful.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Kate, I am sorry your lunch did not go as planned.

 

My thoughts on people being able to see people in spirit form...I have come to know that some people just can or at certain times this can be triggered by nearing death and visibility to that realm emerges. My son's death has made me have to rethink my paradigm.

 

I think these "mystical" occurrences are so precious to those of us who have lost someone; these experiences become sacred. I feel like God has allowed them to help me carry on. That Jesse's spirit/his true essence exited his physical body that day...but he exists in another freer form.

 

I have been hesistant to share this with many since there are the "naysayers"....and I cannot bear to have questioned what little has been given to me in compensation.

 

My own experiences and research has shown me that there is much more this physical, three-dimensional world....and believe this knowledge will and has helped me to better assist those who are leaving this physical earth soon. My uncle currently is on his deathbed and is not expected to last much longer...he is the grandfather of my cousin's son, also named Jesse, who died in April of 2012.

[Jeff's Mom]

Laurie, I am sorry to hear about your uncle. Keeping him in my prayers.

 

I agree about your experience as being very personal. I also feel that it was given for us to use as a source of comfort. I agree with Susan that we respect your decision. I feel for me that having that one experience was all I needed to know that he is ok... and now I need to move forward with my life...going to readers, etc. on a regular basis will not give me any more info then I had from the first message. It was positive.

 

I was just reading on the internet about a group of kids from a slum in Paraguay that have formed an orchestra by turning garbage around their homes into instruments. Recycled oil drums, wood, etc. is collected to make violas, cellos, etc. I just heard them perform Pachelbel's Canon. It was very moving. They are touring our city and giving free concerts.

 

Lunch the other day was no big deal. It was just a lunch out. I was more aware of the sad truth that this is now the new norm for me. Listening to those that have not been touched and are unaware of my loss. 

 

It is a very overcast day with a light rain falling. I spent the morning planting hanging pots that I hope will thrive once they see the outdoors!

 

Sandy and Carol...thinking of you. Sure hope that the past few days see an improvement.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wade,

I’m sending prayers for peace, comfort and strength for you and Renea. I think May will be hard here too. My anniversary, Mother’s Day, and then getting closer and closer to June 1. I’m so glad you found that change at Brooks’ site. I know how important those things are. I imagine your Boy knew you would need that back.

 

Dee,

Thank you. I did feel bad. The flowers were very nice and I was appreciative. He wanted to take me out last night for dinner but I just couldn’t. It was the second time I let him down with our anniversary because his first suggestion was a weekend away but that seemed impossible right now. My anxiety is so high right now and the thought of being away from my boys for that long seemed terrible. I know he thinks he will help by getting me out of the house and taking my mind off things but that is just not what I need right now.

 

Kate,

I’m sorry for the way your lunch went. I’m sure in some way your friend thought she was helping but I would have been angry too for being put in that position. I believe in your message from Jeff at the tea house. I just know that it came from your Boy at the time that you needed. I’m not sure what an Angel Reader is but there is an author I used to really like. She wrote a lot on Spirituality. Now, I’ve noticed recently she has turned much more commercial and offers things like 6 week online classes to become an Angel  Reader or Realm Reader (not sure what either are). I do believe very much in people who are able to communicate with the Spirit World. I’ve met some. Because I am very interested in understanding this I’ve put myself in that circle here and I went to that workshop. I’ve had experiences that I know are very special and came from my Girl and even before losing her I’ve had other experiences. I agree though, there are many people who just take advantage of those who are in need and searching. I think that’s very wrong but it happens. I don’t believe a 6 week online course teaches anyone that connection.

 

Laurie,

I believe very much the same as what you shared in your post. I don’t believe these experiences are ‘supernatural’. I believe they are very natural but just not understood in our society.

 

“My thoughts on people being able to see people in spirit form...I have come to know that some people just can or at certain times this can be triggered by nearing death and visibility to that realm emerges.”

 

This is my belief too. I think of it as a gift just like art or music. Some are just born with a natural ability. I even believe it can be learned by some just as a person with a deep drive to learn to play an instrument or paint can learn while others just pick up the brush and create a masterpiece. Just my thoughts on something far beyond my comprehension.

 

I’m sorry to hear about your Uncle and will be sending prayers for your cousin and family.

 

Ted,

It was good to see your post. How are you?

 

Susan,

“We are just a mosaic of who we were”… This is so true. Our lives are shattered and we cannot pick up the pieces and put them back together because such a huge piece is missing. So, now we have to create something completely different.

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....we all respect each other on this site....and I respect your choice to delete your post....or leave it...

 

I think each of us have had some kind of 'spirit experience'....a 'sign'....a 'visitation dream'....etc....

and we can share it here...not for exploitation...but for a chance to let another parent know that maybe what they experienced is 'not looney tunes'....

maybe it is a 'real thing'....

I hold dear to my heart what others have related...

it gives me 'hope'....

I search for hope...

[Mermaid Tears]

My Thoughts....

 

IF.....there was a Pulitzer Prize author that wrote a book...that could give me 'a word or words' about where my boy was...I would read it....

 

IF....there was a word written on the back of a cereal box...that could give me 'a word or words'

about where my boy was...I would read it....

 

IF..there was a movie that won every award given...that could present and give me an eye view of where my boy was.....I would watch it....

 

IF...there was a Mickey Mouse cartoon....that could present and give me and eye view of where my boy was....I would watch it....

 

I have no pride...I am wide open....I have no boundaries....no lines drawn in the sand...I am willing to search in any venue.....to have even a tiny particle of knowing...where my boy is...

....Game on....I am ready....

 

IF....I can even have a small peep hole into where my boy is...that will sustain and keep me...

 

So...if the movie...'Heaven is for Real'.....gave even a sliver of comfort....then that was meant to be your message....

 

 

I posted this (I think) last week....

   I do need to hear from Kate...about that lady coming up to her...

Laurie..I do need to hear about your messages...and all that you research...and all that has happened to you...

  Shannon...I do need to hear about your Grama's dream....the butterfly that sat on your foot...

I do need to see Dee's shaft of light....Colleen's 'rush' that went through her.....Lora's dream before Cara died....

   I do need to hear the smallest 'sign'....

 I do need 'hope'....

[Jeff's Mom]

I decided to delete this... as after further reflection... I determined that it is too private to share with others. That we either believe these things, or we don't. It's a personal choice. I agree with Laurie on this subject.

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....once again...your family will be 'circling the wagons' around another loss in your family circle..offering prayers for your stamina and strength to carry through...

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you Kate for posting your experience again....many new ones will get much comfort and 'hope'....

[hoosiermom]

Hello Indigo family

 

Feeling such a weight of sadness on me, my very dear friend lost her 8 year old daughter almost a year ago and she is having a memorial service for her this weekend.  Of course I am attending, wouldn't even think of NOT going, but it does have me down...lump in my throat, tears in my eyes.  This brave little girl was diagnosed with neuroblastoma at the age of 3 and battled it for five years until her little body could take no more.  Upon diagnosis, my friend was told to take her girl home and make her comfortable, but my friend would not accept that for an answer.  She did her research and found a hospital in New York that had great success in treating this type of cancer.  Her determination gave her five more years with her precious girl, more than what was ever expected. 

 

Katie was a very special little lady.  She touched many lives and had such faith!  Even though my Brianna and Katie did not know each other in this life, I want to believe that my girl was there to greet her and bring her Home.  "Heaven's better, Mommy" is what she told her mother before she passed, and I'm going to take her word for it!

 

Gearing up for my youngest daughter to graduate high school in June, then off to college.  This is such a bittersweet time anyway, but for those of us who have had a child die, it can be downright terrifying.  We KNOW what can happen to our children out in the world. 

 

I will think of every one of our angels when I light the paper lantern and send it off to Katie on Sunday afternoon......

 

Love and light to all,

 

Jenn, Brianna's momma forever!

[shorty16]

Kate,

I have a friend like that. She is clueless on the depth of pain we carry every day.

Forgive her, she knows not what she says.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wade, what a touching picture of you by Brook's site....it was sweet that you stayed with the other man in his grief...and walked along with him on this path of grief for a little while...we all need as much kindness and help we can get...

 

Ted, thinking of you today...

 

Susan, thank you for your words...and for the prayers for my uncle and his family...I think you might like the "Heaven is for Real" movie...my sister plans on taking my mom to see it too...

 

Jenn, it is good to see your post...since you know this loss and what it means it should be a great comfort to your friend who lost their daughter...

 

Shannon, I know this last month to the first  year mark is hard, hard, hard...that month was a blur for me...thank you for sharing your experiences with me as well...

 

Kate, thank you for all the help you have given to so many of us on this site...perhaps it will be dry enough to get to Jeff's bench soon...

 

.....Kate and Sherry...you both will appreciate this...last night I was at my kitchen table and the dog kept on whining...then I heard a thud outside my back door...I went to check on it and flipped the yard light on...almost yanked the door open when I saw a HUGE black bear on the bottom of my steps...about 6 feet away...that is way too close for comfort...I only hope he does not decide to come back...I told my husband he will have to move the garbage cans from the house...and he was the one who decided to dump food scraps in it...hmmmm...

 

Colleen, good to see your post...

 

Lora, how are things with you?

 

Wanda, Mary Ann?? Debbie??

 

Carol, how is your daughter coming along?

 

Becky...wishing you a peaceful day...sending HUGS...

 

Dee, hopefully you are not as rainy down there as we are up in northern WI...how much longer of school is left?

[Mermaid Tears]

We have Maifest this week-end in our Brenham....a very traditional celebration....my children..and now my GRANDchildren are in it...coronations tonight and tomorrow night...

 

Wade....isn't it the strangest thing....that a key chain...a crumpled letter....a card made in school by little hands...a shirt...and

Brooks change in his pocket....can become priceless treasures ? We become guardians of the small and every..every day dates and markers....

  I am so glad you could stand by that man....and give your sympathy...but more...your empathy...it is like I now have another way of 'seeing and feeling'....I was not a careless person before....I have a new kind of skin I am living in...maybe that is a

'gift' of having another kind of knowledge in reaching out to others in their loss and pain....

   I like your photo with your boy...

 

May is going to be one of those 'hard rock candy months'....

 

Sandy and Carol....am wondering how the patients are doing....and also....how you are marching through your days...

 

 

[Tbearw58]

Hello everyone I went and took Nicks quad out to the dunes and rode. This was his and my favorit place to be in all the world. It was empty dispite the fact that the weather was perfect 78 deg and clear skys wow. I did not make it 300 yards out on the dunes before I had to stop because the tears were so much I could not see my way that happened many times yestarday being my first time out without Nick riding along with me. It was fun to ride but it was not the same and I have not decided if I will stop doing it and sell everything or keep going right now I will wait and not rush into anything but it just seems so differant and empty without Nick. When I was sitting on the sea wall a Bald Eagle flew down the beach and turned and flew right over me, This is the first time I have ever seen a eagle and I have been going many times a year for over 30 years in a row. So i wrote Nicks name in the sand and called his name from the top of the biggest dune took photos and my first selfie ever. Had a good day just very hard on my emotions. Thank you all for taking the time to listen to an old dad talk about his son. As you can see i was in almost the same spot as the Nick and Alyssa pic I use here

 

 

[shorty16]

Ted

These are firsts. Firsts are always hard. Sounds like riding those toys brings you some joy. I hope that joy grows with time.

Our boys are always with us.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[ericasmom]

Ted, I am glad that you went out to the place to experience the sport you loved to do with Nick. He was riding along with you, grinning more than likely at how proud he is of you to try this on your own. I think it is smart of you to not rush into selling it all, it may just be something you find that helps you feel closer to Nick. Maybe, maybe not, but smart to wait. Those tears and the yelling his name, that eagle...well it seems to me you and Nick had the beach and dunes to yourselves.

 

Jenn, I am sorry that your friend lost her Girl and what a brave little one she was. We have a child at our school is fighting this kind of brain cancer and it is devastating. But yes, those wonderful golden words from the little one Katie, that Heaven is better. I think that your Girls are hanging out, finding the joy in each new thing. Congrats on your youngest getting prepared for graduation. Big steps, and yes, worries go right along with change.

 

Shannon, I know it is so hard to feel you are letting others down. There are no words that can adequately explain to those who want more from us, just why we are unable to be that person they used to know. I hope that your husband can hang on and come to understand a bit more how to let the day unfold as it will without adding anything more to it.

 

Wade, I so love the money story, finding those coins back graveside. I love the selfie too.

 

Susan,I will pray that you are infused with a sense of hope upon waking tomorrow and enjoy the festivities.

 

Laurie, it was cold all day, the sun finally coming out at around 6:00 this evening. Odd, it was damp and 50, so not cold but that dampness and wind felt colder. I am hoping that it will be in the 60's tomorrow. We so need to warm up the soil so as to plant. We are in school until June 10th as we make up those 4 snow and cold days.

 

Tired and going to bed with wishes for a good solid sleep for you all and sweet dreams/maybe visits.

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

 

 

This kind of wisdom...cannot be taught...

it has to be lived...

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sending this out to all on this site....

some of the words ring true of many who are put on the grief journey...

and family and friends drop away...stay away....go away....

and we are hurt by their leaving us in such a vulnerable time...

and then we find....kindred and caring ones...

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

John David....today marks 21 months ...

I grieve...

but the scales are still tipped in your favor...

I would rather have had you...

and have this deep mourning...

than not to have had you...

I am holding on...

You are still shining through...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan, those are lovely pictures you shared...thank you....I had several thoughts that ran through my head when I saw your Christmas picture...first being that John David was close at your side...that is what I miss so much...know you do too...your other sons are very handsome....

 

Ted, know the bittersweet memories in doing those "favorite" activities without your child...I believe you will know in time if it is right for you to keep or get rid of the "big boy toys" that were shared...I think it is: does it help you or hinder you...

 

I wanted share this thought...while we seek to find some comfort with others who share similar losses, there is an aspect of grief that one carries alone...the secret tears, the calling out to our loved child, the desperate longing to hear their voice...WE JUST WANT THEM BACK.

 

 

 

[ericasmom]

21 months is a long long time Susan. One day is too long so 21 months is ridiculously long. My heart to you as  you look to the day for messages and hope. Love the photos and the sayings.

 

I spent the day outdoors for the most part, so pretty out, 65 degrees as it is supposed to be this time of year. We worked on our hands and knees weeding and then hung out and chatted over the yard fence with a y oung couple who moved in last fall. I got to hold their little baby boy for about a half hour as we visited. He is so pretty. Just one of those sweet days. The clouds are forming now, some purple and gray, a front coming which will unfortunately change this weather and not give us a repeat tomorrow. Cooler tomorrow by 15 degrees darn-it. Oh well, this was lovely and we will have more.