Members lovU2themoon Posted April 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 no colouring of eggsno Easter basketsno Easter egg hunt (Lane always had blue ones to look for and yes even though he was 16 last Easter he loved looking for the hidden eggs with my younger nephew and my nieces son )no feeling blessed this Easter. I too wish i could fast forward i am not sure where i want to be, probably more than 2 years from now. Maybe to the time i will be reunited with Lane. Thinking of you all...Wanda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guests Guest Trista's_Mom Posted April 19, 2014 Guests Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 Wanda, "I too wish i could fast forward i am not sure where i want to be, probably more than 2 years from now. Maybe to the time i will be reunited with Lane." I know this feeling. Cherry, Thank you. I love that book that Trista made. I think it not only shows the love she has for her best friend but who she is. I understand... that Mother/Daughter relationship. I know the regrets but as a Mom... I was being a Mom. Yes, if I knew my daughter was leaving early I may have done things differently but I didn't know that. Instead I raised her as if she would be here much longer. Did I make mistakes? Yes! Do all parents make mistakes? Yes! I know Trista knows how much I love her and that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. That's all we can do as parents. I think it's the love that matters and it's the love they take with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted April 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 oh Wanda....thinking of you....Shannon....standing with you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wgreenlee Posted April 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 deleted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted April 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 Wade....I see you were awake early..early this morning....you deleted your message...maybe too much pain in the words....that is ok...for words are all we have here on this site to let the 'sob...the scream...the hurt...the longing' out...and we share that with you.... this is a hard 'holiday' to get through... Shannon....I was 're-reading' Trista's little book of suggestions she wrote to her friend... out of the mouths of babes...so much wisdom.... really...it could be a little guide for us grieving parents...the 'wear long skirts'....is unusual....I wrote an essay years ago titled..'When They Wore Dresses'...I was writing about the 'feminine having strength and courage' even with skirts on...I am guessing she wanted her friend to feel a little more feminine or maybe just 'dress up' somedays to feel prettier.... I know you are busy with all the company....but giving your sister some solace and care is what family is about... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted April 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 Remembering and loving our children... Sending love and hugs to heaven... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted April 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 Oh my, thinking of everyone that is new to this journey. I remember vividly those first couple of years how the memories of past holidays brought me to my knees. I will tell you this...that as hard as this process is...it will soften with patience and time. You can't force things...they take there own course. You walk along that road filled with all of those years of incredible memories. How could it be otherwise. For it is what we have now to give us courage and comfort. My life has been forever altered by the events of these past few years. I feel as if I have suffered a form of post traumatic stress. The mind can only absorb so much hurt and loss. I guess it wasn't until only recently that I felt as if that trance like state was starting to lift. The need to continue living in the here and now kept pulling at me. As easy as it would have been to have given up and just let go was very real and scary. Far to real. There was nothing between me and my maker and my own will to continue. And to continue on this new course is what became my new reality. It's like waking up from a long and deep sleep. Starting all over again. Rather then looking at all of the losses I have forced myself to focus on what I do have that is good and positive. It takes work. It doesn't just happen over night. But life is joyous and filled with so much beauty. Yes, it is...even though we have been given a terrible blow to deal with in losing our child. Yet he was my son and he played a major role in my life. What could be more positive? That and knowing I will see him again in time. It gives me the courage to keep going. Today I am grateful for much. Grateful for the surgeons and doctor's... and all medical personnel that have given their time and skills to help my husband. That today... thanks to them... he is home and able to celebrate tomorrow with me. It will be a simple day and yet nothing on this earth could mean more to me. Life is good. Sending love to all... for a day filled with peaceful and happy memories. And hopefully a few laughs... even if the tears fall. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted April 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 Kate good to see you. Good to feel your sense of peace and joy with today. I agree with Kate, it takes a lot of time and energy to get to aplace in your lives where you can see and hear and feel goodness again, but it does come as we read in testimony from all of us here for a longer time. We do find life to be good again and early on, that almost sounds like a slap in the face, but it isn't it is the path our Kids hope we find. I had a great time with the Ladies last evening, we laughed and we cried a bit too as we wandered the ups and downs of our family, but mostly we laughed. Shannon, I remember when you posted Trista's book to Abby, I loved seeing it again. She is/was an old soul, so filled with the lessons for those in need, so able to give. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted April 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 Dee and Kate....oh yes....thanks.... for staying on this site....waving to us....listening to us...reaching out to us ...that cannot see daylight for our eyes are filled with tears....we are on our knees trying to pick up the shattered pieces of our hearts and our lives...giving us comfort....for you know how the beginning of this journey is so very painful and dark... I am still in the 'Memory' stageI am not in the 'Acceptance stage' yet...I am moving along.. Thank all that have been on this site for a long time....you do shine a light on this horrific dark path... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted April 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 Laurie....that is the first time I have seen that amazing photo of your Jesse....if you posted it before...I missed it...thanks for sharing.... what better background than all of Mother Nature around him....sunshine dancing through... We just had the second round of workers to leave....we had the first set yesterday....and will have the finishing crew on Monday..... Wade....we are having work done on our existing pool.....tile and a Quartz plaster....it is a job that I have put on the back burner...but glad it is getting done....helps me make a forward motion... Daniel and his buddies are out in the country for their Annual Hog Roast...it is #11....they get together at a friends place....spend the night...shoot targets...fish...chop wood...play poker...on Saturday all the families and many friends gather....they bring lots of food and get to eat the 'hog'...they also bar-b-que chickens..brisket..ribs....it is always the Friday and Saturday before Easter..... I am so glad I have to stay here to attend the pool filling....we have 3 hoses filling it up....I am not in the right place to be around people.....I went for awhile last year....just stayed about 30 minutes...and left.....even though it was April 8th I was with John David....it is still Easter...no matter the date....and that was the last I was with him.... and I am very emotional....and I don't want to be around any people... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted April 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 I sometimes 'wonder'....if.....the Universe granted me an hour with you....what age or time would I choose...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted April 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 Kate, it was good to see your post...think of you often...are you able to get to Jeff's bench yet or is it still too snowy up there...we lost most of our snow today...only some very small patches left.... Dee, Carol, Colleen and Sherry, thank you for sharing with us...and helping us along this road.... Shannon, I agree with Dee, your girl had insight that sometimes escapes people all during their life... Wanda, understand what you are saying totally, we are not doing anything for Easter...it is just too hard and for us, we are in a position where we do not have too...I know it is hard, and I hear your pain and see your tears... Sherry, I think no matter how long one is on this path there are those moments...I remember talking to my friend's mom, she was in her 80's by then...wonderful southern lady from Virginia...had over 10 children of her own and adopted 6 more abandoned children...I believe this was in the 1930's...she told me the story of how she had lost 2 of her children...one as an infant, and the other when the child was about 3...her voice was still thick with emotion and sorrow as she told me her story... Susan, I understand not wanting to be around anyone...I feel the same today...everyone here either had to work or is out somewhere....but I need the space today...thanks for the comment on Jesse's pic... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted April 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 KateYour post is my thoughts on paper.Could not have said it betterColleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted April 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 Shannon,I used to think that same thing..."I want to fast forward to get this pain to lessen.This pain is like a furnace that molds and purifies us for the masters use.This depth of grief changes use and we have to get to know who we are now. For me, I am much more knowledgeable on how to talk to and treat a person that is hurting. My heart wants to take some of your pain away. I too sat at home in shock when the rest of Brian's friends were taking part in Senior HS event. Please hang on. I am throwing you a life line of hope for a future without this depth of pain.Colleen, Brian's Mom forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted April 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 Susan, most of posted at the same time...very sweet picture your John David....thank you for sharing...no matter what age, we still hold them oh so close... Colleen thanks for checking in...wishing you warm thoughts on this holiday...maybe warmer down in the lower half of the state I hope...still a cold breeze up here... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted April 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 Laurie I agree with Susan, that photo of Jesse is beautiful as he stands in front of a Sycamore tree. I love Sycamores. He has the smile of an outdoors-man, just happy to be out in it. Susan, hard question indeed, I could not answer it ...love that photo of John David. Colleen, I would guess you enjoyed some nice weather today. We were in the mid to high 60's and it was perfectly lovely. Hope you are having a good day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Guest Posted April 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 20, 2014 ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wgreenlee Posted April 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 20, 2014 Tried to share this last night but it just took so much out of me. Been looking through more of Brooks' stuff...lyrics and writings and found this on my computer. He liked using my Mac for the GarageBand app. Hadn't really looked at his files since... He was continually messing with his lyrics before recording the music so this must have been a rough draft before recording "If Only." To the one who helped me up each and every time i fell. The one who always believed in me when i no longer believed in myself. You’re my hero. If only I was perfect... maybe then i could earn your trustas it stands now just a fragment what it once wasall the disappointment and empty wordsall the new beginnings this time we’ll make it workyet i always seem to make you sadmake you wish we could travel back in the pasta couple years back to the day that i got my first bagso you could try save me like the loving dadthat you are always been always will be i knowaskin what happened had such high hopesshoutin to the world how lucky you areto have me as a son soon to be a shooting starbut i crashed and i burned and i kept on burninghard lessons learned if only i was perfecti could take back all the lies the fightsprecious time lost all your sleepless nightsyou stayed awake waiting for a text a calla sign i was alive sometimes never came at allor the times you picked up and got a jail recordingit’s sad when you sleep better knowing that i’m locked up tell yourself now he’s safei know he’s not alone in the streets this latewhat did i do to deserve a miracle such as youyou’re an angel who shed his wings to help me get through if only i was perfect...you’d never have to feel that way againfeeling beaten down and worthless, i know you’re at the very endif only i was perfect...i could make up for the pain i causedpain you didn’t deserve which stays the moral of the story is if you wanna use drugs and run the streets, you better be prepared to accept the consequences. Always be prepared for anything because Death could be right around the corner. Brooks, I would never change one single day...not one...for ours was a shared life...both joy and pain...but you gave me so much. You became a better man, and you made me better, too. I just wish I had your strength. I never had to battle like you did, and in the end you made me so proud. I will try to get back on track and make a difference so you can be proud of me. All my love to you my beloved son...Dad Hoping for good things for all of us! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wgreenlee Posted April 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 20, 2014 HAPPY EASTER ... to all my Indigo family. HAPPY EASTER, SON ... love, Dad! Here's a mosaic I made from all the photos, sayings, and other stuff. To get the HD version you need to click on the link so you can save it to your computer and then you can zoom in to see all the little individual pictures. Thank you for everything you do...for the love, empathy, wisdom, and simple friendship that helps mend broken hearts. http://www.easymoza.com/index.php?p=31&t=10&s=82d7da687ad82343541ec010d215ce03 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted April 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 20, 2014 HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE. I have been trying to keep up reading. I think about all of you and all of our angels many times a day. I wrote a long post the other day updating you all with what is going on with all the attorney but I lost it when I was almost done. I was to tired to do it all again, but I hope to be able to update you soon. I am sorry that I have not been here for the new parents to the site because I know how important that is. Wade thank you for the wonderful basket of eggs. I can't see the pictures because I only have mobile access and can't get flash player, but I will see it as soon as I get back home. I do want to say that this day has brought home many emotions for me. I know not everyone here shares my same beliefs and faith. And I respect that completely. However, I need to share how very grateful I assign that the Lord sent His Son for us so that we can meet in heaven. I am holding tight top my faith today because I know Sam and all of our angels are there waiting for us. Sam, I know you are with me. I can feel your presence today. For the first time since you left I can feel you on my heart. I miss you so very much. I'm not giving up. Happy Easter. I love you.Praying for peace and healing for all my friends. I am so very grateful that you are all in my life. Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted April 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 20, 2014 Wade,That is beautiful. He speaks of the love he has for you.This is a treasure!Colleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted April 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 20, 2014 The weather in Wisconsin today in beautiful!That bring a smile to my face.Sending love to all those who walk my road.Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted April 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 20, 2014 Lora, I went today to Jesse's site, was able to clean it up a bit...new flowers, picking up debris...talked to him there...know he can hear me and see me still...wishing you a restful day today, it sounds like you need a break after working so many hours...may you find peace and comfort today at Cara's site... Wade, have read Brook's writing to you...several thoughts come to mind...I see how hard he was trying to overcome those things that ensnared him...his love for you is so evident...and he knew you deeply loved him despite those inner struggles he had here...and now is healed from...and is complete in God's love and care. Debbie, thank you for sharing an Easter greeting...I am sorry you lost the other post...I have done that myself a few times...I send prayers for the outcome on the legal proceedings...yesterday I was more of an emotional basketcase than today...it seems to have leveled off a bit for now... This past Friday we received notice from the Victim Coordinator dept. that we have another court date next week...this process is exhausting in itself... Colleen sending love back...wishing a peaceful day for you.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissKylie Posted April 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 20, 2014 I sometimes 'wonder'....if.....the Universe granted me an hour with you....what age or time would I choose...? Susan, these words strike my heart as you loved John David so much from his childhood to adulthood. You have so much love in your heart for him. I love the photo that you shared when John David was still a little boy. Kate, thanks for reminding that life is still beautiful. May God grant total healing to your husband. Shannon, it’s just really hard to accept why someone we love so much and someone who is beautiful inside out should be called to go home. When this world needs good people who can share more what love is really all about. There is no true love in my heart until I gave birth to my daughter Kylie and experience to mother her. And my love for her will be the most beautiful love I would ever felt in my whole life. Wade, Brooks’ poem “If only” shows how much he’d also want to give back the unconditional love you continue to give to him. And he must be so grateful up to heavens how you showed what miracle is like on earth. That inspite of imperfections, Brooks will always be given what is best by his daddy. Cara, getting exhausted helps us get numb from the real pain that we feel inside. I can feel Lora would tell you to get some rest for a while. Colleen, agree with you that we become more knowledgeable how to talk to and treat a person that is hurting. And when people express their hurt and pain, we don’t ask them to suppress it. We help them get through it. When my daughter was battling with cancer, we used to go outside in the morning to get some fresh air, a man came up to me to offer his help, some food supplement to boost immune system (December 30). Kylie did not have fever after 24 hours of drinking the food supplement and we were so happy. Kylie used to have fever every 4 hours when she was diagnosed with cancer. And then more hours later, we lost Kylie (January 1st). The man saw me yesterday, I was holding my baby boy. And he shared to me that he also lost his first born child a long time ago to a hydrocephalus. His faith and worship to God continues inspite of his lost and made me remember, “First love never dies”. Kylie is my first born and my first love. And saw the man is also grieving just like me. But tried to help. If only it’s in our capacity to take away other’s pain. It’s almost 3AM here. It’s almost the same hour that I lost my beautiful girl. I admire you all for the courage in walking this path, And this is the path that we cannot choose to detour or go somewhere else. Dee, as you always say to deal with the “How” rather than the “Why”. Good to hear that you had a great time and a ladies night made you laugh mostly. Laurie, looking at your Jesse. He’s so full of life. He must be so much more..in heaven. Wanda, no easter egg hunt is also true for me. I would always turn away whenever I see pink bunny headband just like the one I gave to my Kylie last Easter. Lane knows how much you love him. And he might be wishing you smile like in your photo…while dancing with him. Carol, Ted, Mary Ann, Sherry, Debbie, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Happy Easter. Tamara, so sorry to hear the lost of your son. Everyone of us here shares our thoughts and feelings on how we deal with our losses. This site helps me to stay sane. I lost my 5 year old girl to a cancer, January 1st this year. Thanks everyone for letting me share with this group. I love you so much Kylie!!!!!!! I miss you so much!!!! - Mommy Cherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted April 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 20, 2014 Happy Easter to everyone! I certainly hope that your day has brought you some form of peace and happiness. Today turned out to be a very nice day. We woke up to lovely sunny skies and the temperature is just beautiful. Someone had asked me recently if I had had the opportunity to walk into Jeff's site. Unfortunately, no. The snow has melted to the point that it is very wet and mucky. Also, I found another concern this past week. There appears to be a bear that is living in the close vicinity. I will have to make a trip into the city to Cabella's for some bear spray before I tackle that hike alone. They have just come out of hibernation, and I am in no hurry to meet and greet one by surprise. Wade, I have enjoyed so much reading all of your poetry, as I have everyone's. Along with all pictures, etc. Thanks so much for sharing with us. Love to all and sending warm wishes for a good evening. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wgreenlee Posted April 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 21, 2014 Just got back from spending some quality time with Brooks...refreshed me. Danielle and one of her friends came as I was there and we had a nice talk. She has moved down to Carson. She said she just couldn't stay in her bedroom, and I sure understand that. Had a couple other friends of Brooks visit earlier and left some beautiful flowers. Thanks Jess and Zandra! Kate...Hoping this new warmth will dry up the muck so you can go give Jeff a big hug and tell him how the hockey is going. Canadiens are up again tonight. Always thinking of Ross! Laurie...Love the picture. Outdoors like usual. Looks like birch trees in the background. Cool shirt, too. Handsome man...your son! Hoping that your visit with the Victim's Advocate goes well and produces positive results. Wanda...Thinking of you today...we would have even made Brooks a basket...sounds funny for a 24 year old, but we would have put some cool stuff in it. Thinking of you and Jasmine. Dee...Friends are so important. Glad you had that time out...laughing and enjoying special company. Today was a day of "goodness" and it was refreshing. Thank you for that hope. I'm looking forward to getting back to work this week. Awfully long break...we even have tomorrow off. Susan...It will be so nice for you when the pool is done. I hope you post some pictures. The hog roast sounds great, but it is also nice to just be alone sometimes. I need that, as well. Hope your Easter was peaceful and good memories sustained you. Kids and Easter eggs sure go together. Love that smile. Now they just throw those eggs onto a big lawn and it's a race, instead of a mystery. We would always find eggs days later that weren't found and we had forgotten. Looked like a good place to hide eggs. Lora...Yes, you deserve some down time. Lots of hours...sounds like me when I work in Alaska. Hoping your day was restful with some peace. Debbie...It was quite a large file, but it will be there when you get home. Kinda fun looking for the individual pictures. I do this with my students and hide a math problem in the collage, and the first one to solve it gets a prize. Where are you at now? Sam is definitely with you. That is one of my saving graces...I believe fervently that our children can see or feel us and God allows that interaction...some how...some way. Always hoping for a good resolution in your battle with the railroad. Fight the good fight, Debbie. Colleen...Thank you for all the good thoughts and hugs. Sorely needed and a big boost for me. Amazing how that works...friendship from hundreds of miles away can make a difference, and I am always so thankful for that support. Shannon..."I think it's the love that matters and it's the love they take with them." yes...yes...yes. Looking forward to pictures of Aiden and his Easter hunt if you have some. From Faith, Tiffani's momHow can I not be full of gratitude. When I wake up next to Tiffani and she says good morning mama I love you, and thank you God for another day! ❌⭕❌⭕ A parent's plea...a parent's dream...I'm thinking of you Faith...Brad...Tiffani...Bailey and hoping still for many more days like today! Becky...Ted...Carol...Sherry...Tamara...Sandy...Maryann...Betty...and all other Indigos...thinking of you and wishing peace today finds you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted April 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 21, 2014 Wade.....what Brooks wrote really touched my heart....my 5 boys were not 'angels'.....they each put us through some rocky times....they each had their own agenda....they each expressed sorrow for putting us through those hard times....I had to remind them...there was never a time we didn't 'love them'....we just didn't like the behavior...when my boys would do something wrong...I would just love them 'harder'.... they taught me a lot....the 'true' meaning of unconditional love...and that cannot be taught in books or a class.......I still think it is the sweetest gift....how a child can raise a parent.... Last Sunday...Hunter Bear came over with a friend to work on a Science project....he rummaged through John David's Memory chest and got this shirt and put it on.....it was John David's favorite shirts.....I told him to keep it....for I know he will treasure it....as I have done all these years..... Friday...Daniel and the boys went to the 'country' for the Hog Roast....Daniel has taken them since they were 5 years old...now they can put up their own tent....here is Jackson, Ricky and Hunter Bear Saturday morning...they love to spend the night out there.... And Pebbie decorated some eggs this year... The workers left on Saturday....what a hard working crew they were....and I was just spent physically and emotionally...emotional stress puts more strain on me than physical work....for sure....I took tulips to all my Golden Girls....I think I like to do things for them because I don't have my Mom anymore....and one..Miss Audrey is the same age of my Mom...she is 90...but..gee....she is so active...and has a razor sharp mind....I told her that I was thinking of 'doing nothing' on Easter....we were invited to go to Lea and Ron's...(Jackson's parents).....and she told me that many times she just 'bows out' of a holiday get together....and she told me I was at the 'age' when I should become a little 'selfish'...for myself... I just love the wisdom my Golden Girls give me....So.....I did just that.....spent Easter at home...had phone calls with the kids....and woke up very refreshed this morning... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted April 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 21, 2014 Good Morning All, on a warm and almost muggy day, the 21st of April. Today Michael, my first husband and Dad to my kids, would turn 67. Happy heavenly birthday Michael, dance and fly freely with Erica by your side. Yesterday, it was my birthday and it was a glorious one indeed. The kids walked over for some Easter/birthday breakfast. It was so lovely out that we spent most of the morning outdoors. Erica had a basket waiting in the magnolia tree. The kids gave me a lovely gift adn we had breakfast. I went for a long walk and then we got ready to go to see the kids again at Shannon's moms home, just a mile or two from here. We had a great time, outdoors again most of the time. Eri's cousin Lucia was there, they are very close in age and close buddies. What fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted April 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 21, 2014 Dee....Happy Birthday...a day late....but the Best Wishes are the same.....love..love that Bunny Girl of yours....so happy the weather and the 'birthday breakfast/lunch' were working together to make it all festive and happy....we had a beautiful day here in South Texas, also.... I know many are ready to kiss the long winter good-bye... I remember last Easter we drove to League City to be with Jesse's family...and it was Wyatt John's first Easter...and a holiday has a different 'feel' to it...when we have a baby around...it makes it all 'new again'.... Wade...am so happy that Brooks friends could share a part of the day with you...and him...when sorrow is shared...it doesn't feel that heavy... Ted....how are you doing ? Easter is a hard holiday to get through....maybe because Spring is on it's way....a change of seasons also creates a 'time moving on' kind of feeling....and without our child beside us...it puts us off balance... Lora....gee....when I think I am busy...I read your posts and know there is someone else that works even more hours....you and I spent our Easter 'at home'....it was the first Easter I have not been either going somewhere or hosting the get together at my home....we went to Houston in 2012 to be with John David....last year to Jesse's home....I felt a little guilty for not going to Lea and Ron's....and being with Randa and her family ...but I did need some rest...and feel good today....and the world kept on spinning.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted April 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 21, 2014 Dee, happy belated birthday! Your little Erica is so cute in her bunny ears...it sounds like a wonderful time....also wishing your Michael a happy heavenly birthday this year as he shares it with Eri.... Susan, your golden girls sound like such a treasure, and I know you are a special blessing to them...Miss Audrey gave some very wise advice, I just rested this Easter too.. Your Pebbies looks like she is having a great time dying the eggs...I like the way the new kits have the cellophane wrappers...Hunter Bear looks so natural in the red shirt of John David's... It is slightly raining here -- a light mist -- that most likely will bring out the green and the spring peeper's...I do not think I am ready for spring this year...but time is moving forward...I am not in step... Wade, thank you for the gift of the eggs with hidden pictures, you are always so thoughtful and kind...something your Brooks shared in common with you... Kate, hope you do not run into a grumpy bear on the path to Jeff's bench...I have only seen two in the wild at a distance...and it was close enough... Cherry, I noticed you mentioned the hour your girl, Kylie, left this earth...I still get hung up on that hour of leaving to their new home...I can only say to keep posting here...there have been so many with kind hearts that will listen; and as they share their stories, perhaps you will find a thing or two that will help you on your own journey...sending you hugs today.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted April 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 21, 2014 Oh yes Wade...thanks for the 'Easter Eggs' ...am sharing that with my kids and GRANDkids...you give us so many 'gifts' on this site....the kind that you can't buy in any store.... Laurie...I thought of you yesterday.....knowing you were 'at home'. too.....we let Easter float down on us....and just carry us...am glad you got to go to the Jesse's place....the sun rises...the sun sets.....and we march on ...limping... Kate....I feel you have had some kind of amazing 'breakthrough'....I feel it coming from my screen....how you felt 'one' with the universe...stardust....the night you woke up to see the moon...the eagles... you have walked through the dark valley....and came out on top of the mountain... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted April 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 21, 2014 Debbie....I was at HEB...(grocery store in Texas).....and saw a woman in an 18 wheeler..her husband driving...thought of you...did you get home for Easter ? Have you received any reports that can give you more information....? I hope you can get some good reading while you drive down all those roads...have you read 'Heaven Is For Real'....I have that one on my list.... I shine a light in every corner that can give me even a sliver of 'hope'.... Cherry....I went to the Chamber of Commerce this morning to attend a short meeting....some were talking about this sweet family from Brenham....their 6 year old daughter has cancer and they are all at the MD Anderson Pediatric hospital in Houston....she is not going to make it....the family also has a 4 year old boy...and the Mom is pregnant....I do not 'know' this family....I 'know of' them.....(that is the way small towns are)..... the church they attend has been caring for the 4 year old...mowing their lawn...cooking food...running errands...so the Mom and Dad and grandparents can be at the hospital 24/7.... how I love my Brenham....I just wish every parent that has to face this horrific ordeal could have the love and support that this caring circle of people provide... I am so glad you had caring people around you when she was in the hospital...even the care from strangers... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted April 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 21, 2014 Dee, a belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY! So happy to see that your day yesterday was filled with sunshine and fun. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted April 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 21, 2014 Susan, I am not too sure about a breakthrough...but I do feel more positive and in control. I had the opportunity to see that movie I had mentioned the other day in my post. The funny thing is that prior to the show they had approximately fifteen minutes of previews of upcoming movies, etc. Mostly futuristic stuff, etc. The noise was deafening. Then everything settled down and they began the movie. It was like a calm in the storm. Slow, peaceful... with such a beautiful message. I left feeling so good... and it confirmed what I already knew. The little boy is just a sweetheart and I could not take my eyes off of his angelic face. What a little sweetie. Thinking of everyone and hoping your week will be a good one. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Steve s mom Posted April 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 21, 2014 deleted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Steve s mom Posted April 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 21, 2014 has anyone heard the song i'll be there by escape club >i cant upload u tube . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted April 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 21, 2014 Steves Mom...Laurie can post the song for you.....I guess I will learn one of these days.... Kate...I am going to read the book first....thanks for the preview....am so happy you are on some solid ground and feeling in control.... I guess that is an 'under' the skin kind of feeling...we find we have 'no control' for our children in their dark hour...and that feeling of 'no control' can spin out in other areas of your persona....making one feel helpless...and hopeless...and useless... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted April 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 21, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Steve s mom Posted April 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 21, 2014 Thank you so much for posting the song I heard it on Easter and it helped e make it thru the day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Guest Posted April 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) . Edited February 25, 2017 by Guest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted April 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2014 Lora, thanks for being there...your site for Cara looks beautiful...it looks warmer down there as I noticed the potted plants... Mary Ann, it is a very touching song...we all need those things to pull us through the day. I found an excellent article written by Dr. Lani Leary...I have been reading and viewing some of her material lately. She is a professional therapist in hospice care with many years of experience and she is very compassionate. Her article on unexpected death... http://drlanileary.com/2013/08/20/unexpected-death-spins-our-world-upside-down/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted April 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2014 Lora,Cara's spot is beautiful. Such a wonderful monument. I so understand about needing a good cry. It can be cleansing and sometimes eases the pressure of the pain.Susan,Funny that you thought of me today when you saw the woman in the big truck. We are not near you, but we were in Amarillo this morning. We didn't get home for Easter, but will be there in a couple of weeks. Maybe a big picnic or a trip to the zoo would be nice. Love the pictures of the kids. I'm so glad that you got to spend the day doing just what you wanted yesterday.John David looks so proud of those eggs in that picture.Dee, Happy belated birthday!!! Your little bunny is so adorable. It sounds like you had a very nice relaxing day.Maryann,Thank you for the song. For some reason, it seems that music touches a me very deeply sometimes. Your song was beautiful.Kate,Thinking of you and Ross. When you mentioned the bear, it made me think of the time we spent living in yhe UP. We bought a cabin that had only been used in the winter as a snowmobile cabin. The first summer that we were theee, I woke up the first morning to a 450 black bear sleeping by the front porch. It was a little unnerving, but we soon got used to them. Tyey are beautiful creatures, but I wouldn't want to meet one alone out on a trail. I had to go to the eye doctor last week. I have always had excellent vision, but the last 6 months or so things have been getting blurry and my eyes have become sensitive. Come to find out, I need bifocals. I have ordered glasses and hope to get them soon. I'm hoping that I will be able to focus on reading better. Susan, I ought the book, Heaven is For Real. Can't wait to start reading it.Laurie,Jesse David's picture is awesome. He looks like he belongs out doors with nature. Such a handsome young man. My heart goes out to you this week as you prepare for more court proceedings. I will be saying extra prayers.Shannon,Sam made a book for me when he was 8 or 9. It was about a trip to a football game that I took him to. It is in storage in Georgia. I haven't been able to get back there yet. I think about those things like that that I have still packed away...treasures.Cherry,I think of you and Kylie often. You are on my heart. Becky, Wanda, Colleen, Wade everyone else in my prayers.I have a picture of Sam and his sisters on his second Easter. I think I have posted it before. Also I got a new one yesterday.Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted April 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2014 Laurie...thanks for posting that 'song'....so much emotion...and love and sing song....for us to hear... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted April 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2014 Thank you to everyone who has been thinking of me and asking about me and my daughter. She is still the same. She did call me last week, but I can't tell any change. As long as I know she is still breathing I have hope.I have not been here so much, trying to keep peace wuth my husband. It just seems easier that way. But I find that things build up on me. Trying to keep the happy face, not really having anyone to talk to about how I'm really feeling. There are so many things that I haven't even shared here, but I think I would like to spill it all now. I hope that's okay.First of all, the attorney. After getting the police and coroners report, he called me last week. He said that the police investigation was an absolute joke. At the very least it screams incompetence. At the very worst it is some kind of cover up, for whom I'm uncertain....the city, the railroad, the festival promoters, perhaps the police chief came back to work on Monday after a weekend at the bluegrass festival and tried to cover the incompetence of his officers? We don't know. They ruled it an accident. They did no scene investigation. The police report says Sam was laying parallel between the tracks. The coroner ruled it a suicide. He said that he was laying across the tracks with his neck on the rail. The railroad video shows him parallel between the tracks.The ccoroner told me on the phone that his BAC, officially was .21, which matches the forensics report. The police report says that it was .41. I have all of these conversations recorded. Which is legal in the state of Kansas as long as one party is aware of the recording. The train was traveling 12 miles over the speed limit in town. They couldn't have stopped even if they hadn't decided he was a bag of trash. There was no mention of trackers in the report like the police told me. They said they had trackers follow his path to the tracks. The attorney said that he could subpoena the railroad tape, but as bad as this case was handled, the railroad attorneys would have a field day with it in court. He is such a kind man. He has offered to proceed pro-bono if I decide to go ahead. I have 90 days to make up my mind. He recommended that I not read the reports but said he would provide them if I would like copies.I just want my baby back.So, last week I called CPOST, it is an organization that looks into police misconduct. Come to find out, the investigator I talked to used to work under the police chief in Winfield when he was a Captain on the Wichita police force. She said that she didn't know why I was told some of the things I was told, but she was sure it was jyst a misunderstanding and that I needed to understand that being a policeman is a very hard job and everyone makes mistakes. She was sorry for my loss but thought I might try to see it from their side. Maybe the lied to me about somethings because they thought it might make me feel better. REALLY???? So I guess that is a dead end.So now there is something else I'm dealing with. When Sam got his job a few years ago he was so excited about his benefits. It was his first big adult job. He had vacation pay, health insurance and life insurance, etc... He called me and told me that he had 10,000 life insurance but that he had taken out $30,000. and made me the beneficiary. He said that he wanted to make sure I had a little nest egg if something ever happened. At the time, I remember saying, nothing is going to happen, silly.Sam worked at the same company as his father. His dad has worked out there for 35 years. It is a small company, the headquarters is in Illinios. They make steel farm buildings. Anyway, Dave, Sam's father can be very mean at times. Never to Sam, but he has very little respect for women, me and his daughters, which is one of the big reasons we got divorced. Well the first thing he told me when I got to town was that Sam had told him that I was the beneficiary of his insurance so I might want to think about that when we went to tbe mortuary for arragements.At the time it made me angry. NO amount of money is worth my son's life. The thought of getting money from that made me ill. The motician told us we could sort it out later. That was on Monday. The following Monday, I called the insurance company. I was told that it would be paid out through the company that Sam worked for as it was a group policy. She said that they don't keep any policy information there it all cames from the company when there is a death.I called Sam's work and was told that I was not the beneficiary, that Dave was. I asked when Sam changed it and was told that it as basically none of my business and if I wanted to push it I would need a court order. I asked Dave about it and he would never give me a straight answer. He said that he found out at work and he would take care of it. He said that he would split it with me because he felt like that is what Sam would want. The thought of making anything from Sam's death felt so dirty and wrong that I let it go.I thought Dave was trying to change. I thought that we had put the past behind us. Jack, my husband now helped us try to deal with the police investigation. He actually seemed to be there more for Dave at times than me. We spent Sam's birthday there as a family, we spent Christmas there. It was all good until....the police ruled the death an accident, which means that Dave stood to collect $60,000. He soon got the payout. He called me to let me know he got it. He said that he wanted to get some new furniture and take his new girlfriend on a trip. I told him I thought that was great. I said that I would like to gave a little to pay for a private investigator to see about finding out what really bappened to Sam. He told me that he really didn't think so. He said, " Things work out the way they are supposed to" "I have my closure now and I think you should move on to". "Goodbye". That is the last time I have talked to him. I tried to call and text him for about a week, but he would not answer. He told my daughters hat I was mad because Sam left him as beneficiary. Well, I decided to let it all go until about a month ago. My oldest daughter, Afton is a single mom, works full time, is going to school. She needed some dental work, her van broke down, and her dad decided to give her Junebug, who needs medication, which is not cheap. She went to his house to ask him for a small loan until she got her tax refund. He was mean to her. When she started to cry, he told her that she was a mess to get out of his sight.After talking to Sam's best friend and learning some other information, I filed a complaint with the insurance commissioner. Patrick said he knew Sam did not change that beneficiary. Sam worried about me being out on the road and wanted to make sure I was always ok if he wasn't here to help me if I needed it. I hadn't heard anything, so I called them on Friday. She told me that she had copies of all the paperwork from where Sam worked. She said that they forms are not right. She said that she would like to tell me more but she wanted to wait to make a determination after the department had done further investigation.I believe they changed the beneficiary for a loyal employee of 35 years. So that is what I am dealing with right now. I feel like everyone, the police, the city, the railroad, his employer and worst of all his own father have no regard or respect for the precious wonderful gift that has been lost. I don't care about the money. What I care about is that my angel is gone.SAM, I AM TRYING SO HARD. SOMETIMES I DONT KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS ANY MORE. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I LOVD YOU.THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME WRITE THIS. IM SORRY IF IT IS TOO LONG. I JUST FEEL LIKE A BOMB IS TICKING INSIDE ME SOMETIMES. MAYBE THIS IS ALL A DREAM. ONE OF THOSE BAD LIFETIME MOVIES I USED TO WATCH ON RAINY SUNDAY AFTERNOONS. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE IM THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES OR REMEMBERS WHAT WAS LOST. A PRECIOUS LIFE. A GENUINE SOUL, KIND AND LOVING.DEBBIE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted April 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2014 The physical, cognitive, emotional and spiritual work of grief usually takes longer than we expect. Griefwork is active, repetitive and painful, but necessary if we are to go on loving and living well in a new world without your loved one. As you do this work, your grief will soften, and you will find that you do not forget your loved one, but rather bring his memory into the future with you. Within your griefwork is a choice… the choice to carry your loved one within you, in a new relationship, and to continue loving. The work is not easy, but it will change your experience from powerless to powerful, and from hopeless to hopeful. Laurie....thanks for sharing this..... Once again...again and again....I come to a crossroad it seems a 100 times a day.... Grief is such a slippery slope...we can either drink from the cup of bitter...or stand in the light of better.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted April 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2014 Ask My Mom How She IsMy Mom, she tells a lot of lies,She never did before.But from now until she dies,She'll tell a whole lot more.Ask my Mom how she isAnd because she can't explain,She will tell a little lieBecause she can't describe the pain.Ask my Mom how she is,She'll say "I'm alright."If that's the truth, then tell me,why does she cry each night?Ask my Mom how she is,She seems to cope so well.She didn't have a choice you see,Nor the strength to yell.Ask my Mom how she is,"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth,Just say your heart is broken.She'll love me all her life,I loved her all of mine.But if you ask her how she is,She'll lie and say she's fine.I am Here in Heaven.I cannot hug from here.If she lies to you don't listen,Hug her and hold her near.On the day we meet again,We'll smile and I'll be bold.I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom,With all the lies you told!Unknown I found this on the Compassionate Friends on FB......it sums up how it is for many....'I'm Fine'.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted April 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2014 Debbie, so good to have you let loose those demons haunting your days. You have so many things going on at once, not the least of it being that you need to put on that happy face to keep up appearances. I welcome your longer posts, and by the way, not too long at all, not ever. we need to know how you are and the events that took you there so that we can send our energy to you. So today, may you receive all of our good strong thoughts for your finding a way to best represent your Son and uncover the misdeeds of those whose investigations were shoddy. Peace Chicky. Susan, your words this morning are a prayer and hope for all those new to this journey, including you My Dear. Lovely. To All, I am in busy mode, loving you all and thanking you all for your comments and your comradery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted April 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2014 She Let Go by Rev Safire RoseShe let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.She let go of fear. She let go of the judgments.She let go of the confluence of opinions swarmingaround her head.She let go of the committee of indecision within her.She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely,without hesitation or worry, she just let go.She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go.She didn’t search the scriptures.She just let go.She let go of all of the memories that held her back.She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.She didn’t promise to let go.She didn’t journal about it.She didn’t write the projected date in her day-timer.She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.She just let go.She didn’t analyse whether she should let go.She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line.She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.No one was around when it happened.There was no applause or congratulations.No one thanked her or praised her.No one noticed a thing.Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.There was no effort. There was no struggle.It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.It was what it was, and it is just that.In the space of letting go, she let it all be.A small smile came over her face.A light breeze blew through her.And the sun and the moon shone forevermore. Debbie....when I read your post....this came to me....to send to you....it is not meant to be advice....or a cure all for all that is going on around you....I just thought it would bring you a little soft breeze in your worried mind and breaking heart... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted April 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2014 Debbie....I agree with everything Dee posted to you.....it is never 'too long'....for us to share what is going on in and around you.....I have to be honest here....my heart simply breaks for you....many come on this site with some very sad...beyond sad experiences they have to go through WHILE dealing with the grief of losing their child.... IF...you were sitting in a mansion....sleeping on satin sheets....waited on by servants....this grief journey would still be the hardest thing you would ever have to do..... Many....have situations and circumstances that just pour salt on the wounds.... layers and layers of injustice....'The system not working for the innocent'.....and miles and miles of rocky roads to travel for the truth to be told.... It is almost crippling in scope to fathom 'the how and why' to get light to shine on the dark... I am almost at a loss of words to describe how very sorry I am for you....that you have so many issues coming from so many directions....and from so many different people....that are not on your side....they don't have your back....and they have no empathy or consideration for you.... and they are the ones that should be walking and holding your hand...on this grief journey.... I am going to offer my thoughts...nothing is written in concrete It seems that the police did botch the investigation.....there is a lot of murky waters there....with what you have posted...I presented the question sometime ago....'could someone have hit him from behind with a board/stick/heavy object and then placed him on the tracks'.....can the autopsy show if he was alive or dead when the train hit him....the thinking with this is...'could someone had hit him hard...killing him...and then placing him on the tracks to make it look like the train hit him and caused the death'...... Now...for this to be the scenario....there would have to be 'someone' or some...that witnessed either all or part of that... One would have to go back to the 'source'....and question people that were there that night...and maybe...someone did see something... As for your 'ex'.....it does seem as if the change in his persona happened 'when' the insurance money and new girlfriend came around..And I would bet that Sam did not change the beneficiary....Please....do not think that insurance money is 'getting paid because your child died'.....and neither is it 'blood money'.....for all of us would take a bullet for our child...do not think of it as a 'gift' because your child died....Think of it as a 'Stewardship'.....you are given 'something' to 'care for'....and respect....and a lot of good can come about from that....you are to handle the money in a way that it can 'grow'....and can be a benefit to many in need. I was raised to think of 'money' and 'inheritance' in that manner....a lot of respect is given to money.It is said that 'money is the root of all evil'....that is not so.....'people' that use money in the wrong way...is the root of all evil... From all that you have told us about your Sam....of course...he would want you to have that in your care.I don't know what all you will have to do to find out about the insurance...but.....please....do not let anyone bark you down...or tell you ..'you are just after the money'.....this is the time to stand up for what is rightfully yours. And....I think you have some 'bully personalities' around you....I apologize if what I posted offends one or many on this site....I am just trying to communicate what is in my heart...and what I would tell you if we were face to face.... Also...'control freaks' don't like for anyone to have any information they cannot control....think about that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted April 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted April 22, 2014 Debbie, I would agree with Dee and Susan. You are fighting for Sam, just like I have to for Jesse. As far as insurance goes...Sam's wishes should be respected....it is to honor him in doing what he wanted and not allowing lies to stand --- you are his voice -- and those things that were in his heart should be respected financially and otherwise. I knew right away that was said about Jesse and the accident was a lie because he told me. Praying for strength for you and that the truth would prevail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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