Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie, I'm so sorry. It does go to prove her character but now everything is on hold. I'm thinking of you. I hope you get some time for you today to rest. I can't imagine how draining. I'll be sending you prayers today.

Dee, I'm glad you're feeling somewhat better. I loved the writing you shared today.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Prayers

We breathe in prayers-

those spoken and those just emitting from humans in their daily movements.

"Dear God, Dear Lord, oh God...please help..."

We breathe them in unbenounced to us and as we breathe out-

ours are added into the jumble.

And this goes on and continues throughout our lives-

Imagine the prayers that have mingled with your soul.

Dee, this is so true and so beautifully said...

 

As we age, it seems like more and more we deal with the sad things of life, until we are ready to let go to a place where there is no more tears or sorrow ...

 

**************

Shannon, I have told the story of the swans that flew directly overhead when I first visited Jesse at his site...and then later a flock of them flew over my house...

 

A couple of days ago I learned that swans were a symbol of the eternal soul...

 

I am glad the doves visited you that morning and brought you some sweet remembrance...

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Shannon, yes there were cameras inside, but by the time the charges against Jasmine were filed and we were aware of all of it, they had already been taped over, but the owner of the establishment stated to me that they also keep a log book of all incidents, and there was no incident recorded that evenning. He did not show up for court for the peace order issue, but hopefully will for the criminal charge. 

 

Beaautiful day today, in the 70's and sunny. helps my spirits for sure. Jasmine is hanging tough, thinking about becoming a lawyer... lol, after the poor example she saw yesterday, she felt she could have done as well herself!

[Mermaid Tears]

Had to get on....I have a very, very busy day.....

Dee...I love that prayer....

and I have this little background kinda..sorta....prayer that runs in the back places..

God help me..please sustain me...give me stamina to run this day...You have given me courage..You have given me strength...now...give me the Will....

 

Laurie ...you were talking about having a 'sign' from your Jesse....at the store...

I think the 'signs' from our children will be 'something' that speaks to only you..(or the person)....

and for 'some' reason....'you know'....

the swans....the doves....the shaft of light...the song....the dream...the phrase...the hearts....

 

I have something to relate....but later...don't have time to post now....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

 

I do remember the story of your swans. I think I read it shortly after finding this 'place'. I'm so glad you got that gift. I agree with Susan. They are special gifts and when they happen we just 'know'.

 

Susan,

 

Those prayers... I say them so much that sometimes I'm surprised to realize that I'm praying. God, Please help me do this... repeating over and over the mantras of my heart.

 

I've been working in the garden but had to take a break to take Zak to the school for rehearsal for the 'one acts'. He has 4 different parts. They are just short one act plays written by students and performed by students. I'm excited to see him act. He also told me today that for his sustainable agriculture project he chose to do organic gardening so that he can work with me in the garden. I'm thrilled about that too. I'm looking forward to working together with him.

[Jeff's Mom]

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[daveydow1]

Cherry-----I agree.....it takes so much out of us, as parents of a beloved child

who has passed over into heaven.  So difficult to understand, and many times

we're plagued with the 'why' and 'if-only' type questions.  All our darlings are

near us....for sure.  They are in another realm, of course,......one where we

cannot go....but sometimes we are fortunate enough to get a sign or a dream

from these heavenly ones, and we can hold those things close to our hearts.

 

Becky-----Oh...so sorry about your day in court with Jasmine.....poor girl. I

can understand your frustration and anger at the way that it went, and the

way the judge was so biased.  Hopefully, with a new lawyer, the criminal

charges will be taken more seriously. Will it be that same judge?  I hope that

it will be a different one that will put justice before prejudicial feelings.  I

know how frustrating it can be to have only one day in court, and not be able

to have the true facts be told, without all the spin that is many times put on the

case.   Wishing you good luck, my friend.

 

Dee----Hoping you are getting some good rest.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,     Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

Hello everyone...so very sorry I have not been back before now...every time I was going to post, there would be a change in the situation before I could get in front of the computer.  First let me say thank you all so very, very much for your prayers and good thoughts and concern.  It has been one roller-coaster of a week.  Up and down...doing better, doing worse, maybe going home...no way going home.  Kim has been in the hospital since  Sunday night, and it does look now like she is not only going to need the surgery, but that she is not stable enough to travel back home to Virginia and so they are going to do the surgery here.  We will know more about the process and procedure on Monday.  (Basically, it is a partial rebuild of what they did in '05 [the ileostomy]...though not as extensive.)  Right now she is very dehydrated, and also her white blood cells are up.  They did some stitching of a tube placement and unfortunately, the stitches came out, so they "jerry-rigged" it yesterday and so far it seems to be holding.  One good thing is that she found out today that the doctor who has been seeing her here worked at the same hospital in Virginia where she had her original surgery in '05.  That knowledge seemed to make her feel better, and she is beginning to relax a bit now that things are little more certain as to the how and where.  She has been very emotional and easily rattled, but that seems to be calming down.  I think it is the recent decisions that have helped.  She doesn't feel so "in the dark" now, and more in control.  She has not eaten since Sunday afternoon, but today had some soup and kept it down.  The surgery is very complicated and carries more risk than the usual we find with surgery, so we are all praying that things go well.  I know that you all have been praying and thinking of us, and this means a great deal to all of us and we thank you so very much. 

It seems that so much has happened this past week that I could write a book just about the last 6 days.  But of all the things, the most important is that Kim came to a decision that has brought her some sense of peace.  Of course, one of the things that bothered her most was that she felt she was abandoning her girls by staying here to have the surgery, but they have both reassured her that they want what is best for her and they understand that right now, traveling is not on the list of "best things" for her.  She will do as much of her recovery here at my house as needed.  Unfortunately, her recovery periods are historically complicated and lengthy, but we move forward with hope for the best. 

Mixed in with all that is going on with Kim, today was a day of much emotion.  I don't think my husband's face was out of my mind for more than a minute or two all day, and I found myself checking the clock and thinking "50 years ago, at this hour, I was waking up," or later "getting my dress on," or "heading to the church" etc.  Tears have fallen more than a few times throughout the day, but I do try to bring myself to a joyful memory to help stem the flow.  Worry about Kim has diminished my strength and ability to do that somewhat.  I do know that he has been with me, all this week...he has left many "gifts" and they have brought me great comfort. 

 

I would like to share my late afternoon/early evening of this day.  After spending the afternoon with Kim, I went to the store to get the balloons to take up to the cemetery.  I had to go to a store closer to home than my usual place, due to time constraints.  They had three different "heart" type balloons, and I chose two of them, and one that was decorated with "Happy Anniversary."  At the last minute, I reached back for the third heart balloon and went to the counter.  When they were rung up, I noticed that one of them was twice the price of the others.  I had mistakenly picked up one of those really big balloons instead of the smaller one I had reached for at the last minute. (all the packages were the same size)  I went to return it before they started to blow them up (because I don't normally care for those big balloons), and then I remembered something from earlier in the day.  I was in the car, heading to the hospital, and I asked out loud "well, honey, what BIG thing are you going to do today?  It is our 50th anniversary, so I guess you will come up with something big for that."  I looked down at the package and saw that it was 32" across, and had an outer heart and an inner heart.  I smiled to myself, and knew I had not only my "BIG" thing in my hands, but that young Mike had added his "little touch."  (When we see two hearts, we have always said it is both of them touching us with a gift.)  I met up with daughter Cathi and we took them to the cemetery.  As we were leaving there, my foot hit what I thought was a rock, as I headed back to the car.  I looked down, and in the middle of the road lay a broken piece of roadway, all by itself, staring back up at me; a perfect heart.   When I got home, first thing I had to do was to take Lucy out.  I turned the TV on as I was going out the door, so it wouldn't be so quiet when I got back.  When I came back in, I looked up and the movie "Despicable Me" (the original one) was playing, on one of the regular network channels, that rarely plays full movies.  The first "Despicable Me" movie was one of hubby's very favorites, and he must have watched it a dozen times or more, enjoying it just as much each time, often with me sitting by him, enjoying his joy. I guess he wanted to watch it yet again. 

 

BECKY:  Just want to say that I am so very sorry for what you are going through with the inept justice being doled out in the courtroom regarding your daughter.  I pray you are able to speak more freely at the next meeting.

SANDY:  I too did not know that your husband had his surgery.  Prayers that all will go well with his recovery and he will gain more strength each day.

SUSAN:  Your whispered prayer is one that runs through my mind many times each day.

DEE:  I am glad to hear that you are doing better.  So sorry that you were down for a  bit and I hope you continue to feel better each day.  I love your poem "Prayers."  So very true...I find myself breathing and praying on each breath some days. 

SHERRY:  So good to see your Davey's smile.

SHANNON:  Glad to see that you are getting out into the garden...too soon for us here...still very chilly nights, near freezing now and again.  Good luck to Zak with his plays.  When we lived in our old house, we had a family of mourning doves that we saw return each year...even one winter they stayed..we saw them huddled together in twos, in the tree by our deck, snow blowing hard and fast around them.  Yet there they sat, like they were as one...braving that cold weather and snow.  And they were different shades of grey/brown.  No white ones. 

LAURIE:  Love that you heard from your Jesse at the store...these "communications" keep us going...bittersweet, yet strengthening us by reminding us of their continued presence and thus bringing us comfort.  I am so sorry about the day in court.  It pains us to know that the justice needed is not coming through. 

KATE:  Very much love the pictures you posted...such a peace-filled place, and when one thinks of the "signs" you've encountered there, the heart skips.  You and Ross are in my prayers and thoughts every day.  As far as I remember, I had never mentioned that hubby's very favorite flower is the very one you posted...same color as well.  That is what I brought to the cemetery today.  Thank you so much for the posting.

WADE:  So very sorry for yet another loss in your life.   Your already wounded heart is aching with another sorrow.  Your gifts and care for everyone on this site are so inspiring...you suffer your loss, heart breaking, and yet find the time to do for others so admirably. The video you made for Debbie...such a special and loving thing to do...I watched all of it, entranced, and felt myself on the back of that snowmobile...snow flying every which way, breaking through the stillness of the day with a sense of flight into a different world.   

DEBBIE:  Sometimes "staying still and breathing" is all we can do...and sometimes it does indeed lead to us "feeling" the knowing of what to do next, or maybe even just the feeling of new strength surging through us.

CHERRY:  I related so much to your question of why does God choose to let one stay and take another.  It confuses me sometimes and when I start to "question" too much, I must sit back and let my faith fill my heart again and take me back to a place of comfort in the knowledge that my son and my husband are with their Heavenly Father, and the "why's" and "if only's" slowly recede, and I am calm again...til the next time.  I too see Mike as an "older brother" to those younger who come into the realm of eternity.  I believe, like many if not all here, that all of our children are together, and that is why we are together, here on this site...they have led us here...they know the comfort we will find and somehow direct us to this very place, thankfully.

TED:  Your poem reflected on what all of us hear feel and experience..."Please be my friend and lend me your ear."  A plea of all who are lost in grief, yet one that is so seldom met, other than by those walking the same path, sadly. 

 

Sorry for the lengthy post; sleep is elusive and time is a stretched out void of wondering "what next."  Prayers are on my lips throughout the day, trying to push worry away, but Kim came so close to leaving us when she had the original surgery, that the fear has returned and chills me yet again.  Your prayers are so very much appreciated.  Thank you all, again. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Carol....I have been up since 3 AM.....sigh.....wishing I could have some of that healing sleep....for I can really 'feel' healing and vigor when I can sleep.....I have learned not to fight it...just go with it....and let the day take me...

    I can so relate to that feeling of...fear....fear of a parent thinking they could lose another child...and your Kim in her situation can let the mind spiral in every direction....it seems as if she has stabilized...and the surgery can be performed there...it would seem to be very unwise to move her.....

  and of course...a Mom wants to be by her children....but the girls know that Mom isn't away from them cause she wants to be...one silver lining is that she can have you by her side during her recovery period...and you are right....recovery is a most important phase in surgery. If recovery isn't done right....the patient can end up in a worse situation.

   A friend of mine just had a liver transplant...she is at Baylor Medical Center in Dallas....staying at the Twice Blessed House..she is doing good....but...this phase of her recovery is a matter of life or death.

    You have had some very tiring and stressful days.....I do believe that I would rather chop cotton than be vigil at a hospital....for some reason...it simply drains me....and I have wondered about that...for all I do is 'sit'....it goes to show that stress can have a very physical effect on our body....more than we can know. It leaves no mark on the outside....it is all on the inside...

     You reaching for 'that' balloon.....your hand was guided....and I do like that 'big heart'....the only way your partner could show you he was celebrating your special day with you....and was in memory with you all day...

  My Mom and Dad really celebrated every anniversary.....(it just gave my little Mommie a reason to have a party)....and how very 'big' I would feel for she would let me be a part of the celebration...after they had passed....I would still honor their wedding date...and then...our 'new little man' was born on December 14th....giving me another reason to celebrate that date.

       I like the 'road heart'....it seems your boys will stop at nothing to put something into the spotlight to let you know they are near you...

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

 

See this photo...I will tell a little story about it....

    When Daniel was in the hospital...with his open heart surgery....my son, Aaron and I came back to Brenham and went to the Maifest coronation....(had 3 GRANDchildren in the royal court)....I left as soon as it was over...so tired...Aaron stayed to be with Randa and family...and he was going to spend the night with them so he could have a good talk and visit...

    I was in deep ...thought and thinking...of John David...wishing he could be with us...needing that boy so much...I went to bed and asked for a sign or word or dream....from him....I had had the visitation dream....wishing and praying for another...

   in the morning...I could hear John David saying...(I was in that sleep/awake gap)....'Mom...remember the tulips...'...he said it over 3 times...

   I woke up...and was trying to make sense of it ...and then....I remembered years ago...he was on his way to Whidby Island...where he was to be stationed...(he was in the Navy)...and on the way...he saw these fields and fields of tulips....

he called me when he got there .....it was during the day...Daniel was at work...Jeremy at school...he gave me info on his address and phone numbers...and he told me how he thought of me seeing those acres and acres of tulips...and how I would love to see it all.....he knew what flowers meant to me...for Essie was such a flower lover....

   now....that is a conversation just between him and me....and I have not had a rhyme or reason to recall that small conversation....so small...so trivial...it came back to me in vivid recall.....where I was standing in the kitchen...every little detail...what I was wearing....the sunshine coming through the window...Lucy on the floor...the kitchen in sharp focus...and all our conversation...his voice...

   it was Mother's Day that morning......and Austin...my GRANDson....brought this Mermaid vase ..filled with tulips to me...

         how about that ???

[Guest]

.

[ericasmom]

Lora, thanks, i took that half day and was back on my feet on Friday and back at work feeling quite good. Thank goodness it was a 24 hour thing. It is going around though, same symptoms for most, extreme achey muscles and exhaustion with some queasy feelings. Blek.

 

Carol, my goodness, the up and down of it all. I am holding you and the family close in prayer and sending great strong hope for Kim and the doctors to understand exactly what to do to put Kim in good shape again. Tons of hope your way, her way and we ask that all Angels send their energy to Kim for healing.

I love that Big Mike was able to find his voice with you on your Anniversary, I have to say that I am not surprised by he and Mike Jr. ability to communicate nor with your ability to see the signs. A double gift back and forth. They are grinning as you discover the many ways that they join you. And they will sit with you and with Kim at this worrisome time, passing the hours with their support and love in place.

 

Susan, my what a great energy that was, the tulips said three times and then the full memory of why and when. John David knew how to let you know that not only was he with you and his Dad, he was in a place of great beauty. Lovely.

[SamDsmom]

Just on quickly. I'll be back later to finish reading and post. Susan, I have to tell you the tulip story is beautiful. The smallest thing. John David thought of his mother. It so reminds me of Sam. Just those quick little calls. I just heard a song our I just saw something that reminded me of you. Those are the things that are rare in relationships. I miss those little quick calls.

Carol,

Glad Kim is doing better. Happy to hear your balloon story. You got that just when you needed it.

More later..... Hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Debbie

[Jeff's Mom]

I am totally convinced that our child sends us messages when we appear to need them most. Carol, your heart shaped stones that always seem to appear out of nowhere when you most need them are more than a coincidence. And Susan, your tulip story gave me the chills. I know for my part how comforting it is to just have that connection again in knowing they are still with us in spirit. They send their love and encouragement in whatever way they are able.

 

Yesterday late afternoon when Ross was asleep I found myself sinking into some form of melancholy again. I really longed to just have Jeff in the room for our usual talks. Some days I  feel that ache that his absence brings more than others. Then last evening when I least expected it I had an email from one of his good friends that I had not heard from for ages. Just hearing from him seemed to bring Jeff closer in a way. And the best part was that he was giving him credit for supporting him many years ago when he was lacking the drive to continue with his education. Today he is just  short of completing his PhD in music. He plays the classical guitar and will be touring both the States and Canada. He has also just finished recording an album. Well, I have to say it brought tears to my eyes. I knew that Jeff had reached out yet again to let me know that through this young man he was saying "Hi" to me again.

 

Lora, yes, I agree that the movie did have some cheesy moments. Yet...the message was lovely. So much what we need to hear when we are experiencing this loss. It gives hope to those that are suffering. I am going to try to attempt to make it into the bench this afternoon. Here's hoping.

 

Sandy, I hope that they have been able to manage to control Kelly's pain better this past day or so. I feel that by keeping Ross in a full spinal for four days that it helped him to recover slightly and not experience the extreme discomfort with that type of surgery. I'm thinking of you both and hoping today is going to be a better one for you both.

 

Love to all, Kate

 

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

I know many are nodding their heads on this....

our child calling to us...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

From Carol's Post:

 

" Sometimes 'staying still and breathing' is all we can do...and sometimes it does indeed lead to us 'feeling' the knowing of what to do next, or maybe even just the feeling of new strength surging through us."

 

Carol, this where I was at on Friday before the hearing...my husband and I were placed in a private conference room to sit before the hearing...I just sat at the table and cried...went into the courtroom, once Rupnow was a no-show...went out in the hallway and cried...(they issued a nationwide warrant for her arrest now)...

 

Went afterwards to the site with husband and cried...went home and just exhausted...I did remember the "just breath" from here, that is all I could do for that day and barely that...

 

I am glad that your Mike's gave you lovely signs they were near...

 

Continued prayers for your Kim...said some in the middle of the night too as I wake up....

 

Also prayers for Sandy's hubby and for Ross...

 

...still reading...

[Steve s mom]

I actually did hear Steve's voice calling out ( or I thought ) I did soon after he died

Once saying goodnight mom when I walked out of the bathroom by his room ,and another time I heard him say I love you mommy ....but of course when I went into his room he wasn't there

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Found this song to share, it was written for a young man who died while climbing some mountains in southern Arizona...

 

The Other Side by Mark Ireland

 

https://myspace.com/markirelandmusic/music/song/the-other-side-by-james-linton-7337730-7138914

 

If you place your cursor over the 01 listed to the left of the song's title, the 01 will change to a button --  just click it once it changes to the sidewise arrow to play.

 

 

Partial lyrics:

 

On the other side we will shine

The sorrow and the tears left behind

If only I could hold you one more time

Then I would never leave the other side

You don’t have to wish upon a star

You already know deep within your heart

Hold onto the truth

And I’ll be waiting here for you

On the other side

 

...found this song to be meaningful and to honor the young man who left...

 

*****************************

 

Also, thanks to all who shared their stories of signs from their loved ones...it is the eternal connection to Jesse that keeps me going...

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie...will listen to the song later....had such a busy day yesterday and the day before...

   Daniel was up and down all day Saturday....said he had a spasm in his neck and back....but it ramps up my concern...I would find him in bed...then he would get up...then I would go out..come back..he would be in bed again....we got to the wedding at 5.....just a gorgeous day....I was circled by people that we have such a connection to...like an invisible thread that winds around us...

  the bride was Lori...her second marriage...her daughter is a Sr. in college...and can sing like a songbird...her husband left her when the child was 4.....Lori is 50.....the groom is Rusty....same age...2nd marriage....no children...

   am so happy they found each other...and can hold hands and have 'that dance' for the rest of their lives...

Daniel started wilting...wasn't feeling good....so we left at 8...I could have stayed but I wanted to be with him...in case he started feeling worse.....

   I know when he has inner stress...and mourning....he mowed the grass on Friday....and he had mowed it on Wednesday...

I don't say anything....thinking he just needs to do something and hear a motor....

 

Tears have a way of exhausting...and cleansing a person....maybe a way of spending that inner turmoil..and just breathe is one way to get from minute to minute until you can gain control...

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan, mowing the lawn is a  healthy way to release the stress. Also, it's good for the lawn.   I always enjoy reading about weddings and happy endings. So pleased that they had a lovely day.

 

Laurie, thanks for thinking about Ross. He is now down sleeping and I am just waiting for him to wake up to prepare dinner. I managed to get into the site to a certain point. Unfortunately, at a low spot the water from melted snow was fairly deep and so I had to turn back. Maybe in a week or so it will be more  dried out.  I decided to walk into the old campground site that is opposite the woods. There are log cabins and yurts that are rented out during the summer. The yurts are an interesting idea. They were built two years ago and are really popular with young people. Each one has it's own private enclosure and faces the lake.  Anyway, no encounters with bears. Guess he has moved on.

 

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening. kate

[Tbearw58]

Hello everyone and thank you for being here it helps to know that I am not alone. Had to go to the storage unit today and put some things in saw a picture laying on a box there of Nick and his daughter Alyssa. It was a group of photos of her and him they both looked very happy in each one and on the top it said merry Christmas to the worlds best dad love Alyssa I cried for awhile. The photos reminded me of how great a dad he was and how happy it made him to be a dad. The ex has told Alyssa that Nick was not her biological dad but Alyssa is ok with that she loves him as her dad no matter what anyway we talked about it for awhile. Thinking of all of you praying for peace in your lives.

 

[lovU2themoon]

Went and saw Heaven is for Real on the weekend with another mom who lost her daughter in a car accident too.

 

i need to believe my Lane is at that wonderful place surrounded by loved ones. 

 i need to know its a peaceful, loving place just like that little boy saw...

 

I cried through most of it, so did my friend, so did the fellow beside us.

 

I was exhausted by the end, also, it was the first time i  have been ``out`at night since Lane died

I still have great anxiety leaving my house, almost did not make it, ativan helps along the way.

and my friend who travels this journey too, is an amazing, and supportive, and helps me thru the anxiety. 

 

Wishing you peace tonite..

 

Wanda

Lane`s mom

[mikesmomrs]

Kim will be going in for surgery either later this morning or Tuesday morning. ..depending on whether they can find a time on the OR schedule this am or tomorrow. I am truly concerned and trying desperately to turn it over to God, finding it very difficult to "let go and let God." I normally put my trust in Him completely, but it can be difficult at those times when we are faced with situations similar to others that have not ended well...I know that He is always with us, but I also know firsthand, (as all here do) that in prayer, sometimes, sadly, the answer is "no." I know "our Mikes" are with us as always...I was doing my hair this morning, getting ready for church, when I picked up a silk ribbon hair scrunchie and needed to trim some loose pieces of ribbon from it before I put it in my hair. As I bent my head down while then putting it in my hair, my eyes drifted down and saw on the sink top the clippings from my trimming job... (SUSAN...I LOVE the tulip story! Amazing. Simply amazing!)

[Jeff's Mom]

Carol, we understand your fear and concern about this surgery. We are all sending our love and prayers for a successful day today. We are here for you. Thinking of Kim and sending love.

 

Wanda, I too loved that movie. The message gave hope to all of us...particularly those of us grieving that  there is a beautiful and wonderful place that our kids have gone to. I found it very comforting.

 

Susan, hope Daniel is feeling better today.

[ericasmom]

Carol, thoughts of love and hope and healing are on my heart right now. May Kim travel this hard time well, may the doctors know exactly what she needs and when she needs it.  Sweet Mikes and Lord, please enter the day beside Carol and Kim, Cathi and all of the boys, and Kim's Daughters down south. Let the stars align so that all is well.

[Mermaid Tears]

Carol....my son, Aaron is an Emergency Room Trauma Surgeon....(I asked him why he couldn't be a Plastic Surgeon and help his Mama out)...

anyway....he told me there was no such thing as a 'safe or simple surgery'....and we should not take anything lightly...

    we will be 'sitting shotgun in spirit' with you...it will be a long ...hard day to get through...prayers have power...and they are with you and Kim today.

 

 

Wanda...I so understand that feeling of 'being safe in your home'....I think it must be a knee jerk reaction to the grief...and feeling so vulnerable.

 

 

My Thoughts....

 

IF.....there was a Pulitzer Prize author that wrote a book...that could give me 'a word or words' about where my boy was...I would read it....

 

IF....there was a word written on the back of a cereal box...that could give me 'a word or words'

about where my boy was...I would read it....

 

IF..there was a movie that won every award given...that could present and give me an eye view of where my boy was.....I would watch it....

 

IF...there was a Mickey Mouse cartoon....that could present and give me and eye view of where my boy was....I would watch it....

 

I have no pride...I am wide open....I have no boundaries....no lines drawn in the sand...I am willing to search in any venue.....to have even a tiny particle of knowing...where my boy is...

....Game on....I am ready....

 

IF....I can even have a small peep hole into where my boy is...that will sustain and keep me...

 

So...if the movie...'Heaven is for Real'.....gave even a sliver of comfort....then that was meant to be your message....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Hi Everyone,

 

Every time I get on here lately. I notice I’m already logged in. For some reason my computer has started logging me in on its own.

 

I had a busy weekend. My step daughter, Madison was here so Aiden had his sister and playmate to keep him busy and I was able to get a lot of yard work done. I got some wild flowers planted in the front flower beds. They are starting to look nice. We don’t get much sun in the front so I’ve filled the beds with perennials that do well in shade. Last year we planted a weeping pussy willow and it’s doing well.

Yesterday Zak and I planted about 60 berry bushes… blackberry, raspberry, and blueberry. I hope they do well.

 

Dee, the plastic baggie ‘greenhouses’ are working great. All of our herbs are doing well and I’ve started some mini sunflowers called sunny babes to add to Trista’s garden.  Our tomatoes and peppers are also doing really well and Zak and I have started zucchini, broccoli, carrots, beets, and lots of lettuces.

 

I hung my hummingbird feeder two days ago. It’s still a little early but I read online that I could get some of the early migration visitors. Yesterday, I did… one little male ruby throated hummingbird. The butterflies are also returning. We’ve had the little purple, white, and yellow ones for a couple of weeks now, followed by the little orangish ones. Yesterday, I saw my first swallowtail. It came right to us. The kids and I were in the front yard and it flew right up and all around us. Madi screamed and ran away. The funny thing was she had just been telling me a few minutes before that she wants to hold a butterfly. When one practically lands on her she freaks out. It stayed with me quite a while and landed at my feet long enough for me to take some pictures.

 

Staying busy seems to be what I need right now. Especially when I can be outside. I feel so close to my Girl outdoors. I think of Trista’s cousin, Jessie’s tattoo… In Her Garden She Lives…

 

I spent a lot of time Saturday at Trista’s site. Madi saw a pretty garden stone at the store that had a space to personalize it. She wanted to buy it and paint Trista’s name on it so we did. I thought it was a sweet idea for an 8 year old to have.

 

Lora,

Tris and I have the same type of relationship as you and Cara … mother/daughter, sister, best friend. We did everything together. I went to the thrift shop the other day just to look around. I hadn’t been there since Trista left. She loved thrifting. I found a hummingbird garden stone for her garden and a really neat humming bird feeder in colors that I knew she would love. I bought both for her.

 

“Holidays are so hard me, it seems that it always takes me awhile to regroup from them and I just like to go into my own little world.”

 

I feel this way too. It does seem to take a while to get my strength back.

 

Susan,

The tulips… wow! Thank you for sharing that story with us. What a beautiful way for John David to show you his love. I loved reading that. Sleep is still hard for me too. I don’t fall asleep easily and wake up many times during the night.

 

Kate,

I’m so glad you got that message from Jeff’s friend just when you needed it and that it lifted your spirits. Sometimes I believe our Kids use others they were close to help us when we need it.

 

Carol,

I’ve been keeping you and your family and Kim in my prayers. I thought of you so much last night. I pray for strength and recovery for Kim. I can understand that fear. Those Guys of yours keep showing you they are near.

 

Wanda,

I haven’t seen the movie yet. I have the book, though. My mother in law went to see it yesterday. I understand the anxiety. I don’t leave the house much and still can only go on my own to places within my ‘comfort zone’. I don’t travel too far outside my little town alone. I’m glad you have that friend to lean on for support.

 

Ted,

I know those pictures of Nick and Alyssa pulled at your heart. Those things are so beautiful and so heartbreaking at the same time. It’s not only biology that makes a ‘Dad’. It’s more about the love and it sounds like there was no shortage of that.

 

Laurie,

 

How are you doing? I haven’t listened to the song yet but I will. Thank you for sharing all you do. I bought a little indoor greenhouse to keep Trista’s cacti in and when I went to her site on Saturday I saw her friends had brought some there. Now when I see them I also think of Jesse and his cactus garden and how you found chunks of cactus in the sauce.

 

My Grandma shared a dream with me. It was so different from anything she’s ever experienced. I wanted to share it here. I thought of all you’ve discovered and shared in the area of NDE’s and things and thought maybe if you ever come across anything like this you could let me know.

 

My Gramma said she was lying in bed but not asleep. She was kind if that place in between that’s so close to a meditative state. Then there was this point of light in her vision. It started to get bigger and was a circle of white light. At the same time the darkness around it started to take shape and she realized she was peering into a cone shape or a tunnel but it had definite structure and texture to it. It was dark but not just black space. That’s how she described it to me but she said it was hard to put into words. She said it wasn’t like she was in the tunnel but more like looking through it. Then she saw a figure approaching and she realized it was my Grandpa. He came right up to the ‘tunnel’ and looked directly at her. She wasn’t sure if he could see her too or not. He looked for a moment and looked peaceful and happy then he turned and walked away. As he left another figure approached just behind and looked in just as my Grandpa had. It was Trista. She had the same peaceful, happy expression and then turned and walked away, following my Grandpa. Then the image faded and she was wide awake. She said her first thought was, I couldn’t have just dreamed that because I haven’t even fallen asleep. She hasn’t dreamed of my Grandpa since he passed but she said it was very much him but not the way he was when he was sick. She said he looked more like he did in his 40’s… very healthy.

 

Susan,

As I was posting this, I saw your last post... a little peephole to where your Boy is... I wonder if that isn't just what my Gramma received.

 

The garden stone Madi picked out for Trista. We took it to her site with some spring pinwheels.

 

The swallowtail that visited yesterday

 

Zak helping me plant 60 berry bushes

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Ted, your son Nick was very honorable to hold Alyssa as his own daughter and to be a daddy to her in the absence of one. That is very noble in today's world and it is wonderful to hear how he poured himself into this child, daughter of his heart...

 

Wade, how are you doing? Thinking of you and sending warm thoughts your way.

 

Wanda, I am glad that you found some comfort in the movie, I think that God has used it for His purposes, to bring about a healing to those who are hurting, to help people realize that this world is not all there is...Know you are missing Lane and all the happiness he brought to you...

 

Carol, continuing to send healing prayers for your daughter, Kim...it must be meant to be that you are able to care for her during this vulnerable time and know at the same time how difficult that is for you...

 

Kate, hopefully the path will dry up soon, your plants sound wonderful that you purchased the other day....sending prayers for Ross...

 

more later....

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade....how are you? Have missed you and wondering if you have hit that 'Velvet Black Curtain'.....?

Maybe you are trying to recover from all the struggle of grief...

it is so exhausting...if all you can do is read....please know you are thought of...you and your Brooks...

 

 

Ted...once again..'the WHY'....why do people do some of the things they do ? But I am happy you got to be with your girl.

Keep this in mind....and you can tell your GRANDdaughter....

the characters in 'The Greatest Story Ever Told' was...

an unwed Mother...

and a Stepfather...

 

Shannon...thanks for sharing that 'amazing story'.....am thinking it was a 'visitation dream'....and so dear...so sweet...and yes....sorta like a peep hole into where they are....sweet....

 

I am thinking there is more to all the stories of getting enough vitamin D...

I do believe that Mother Nature has healing power beyond our scope...not even charted...

and Mother Nature is wrapping her arms around you and yours when you are working in the soil....planting seeds...flowers ..plants...you are helping her to put on her best in show....the bounty from the earth....love those photos ....post more when they start to grow and flower....

 

Kate...Daniel is better....just having 'back problems'....will be happy when you can make your trek to the bench...and....I do believe that friend showed up...(was guided)....to contact you at just the right time....you were going to a lonely place..and had been through so much with Ross....and your boy knew you needed those words to sustain you....

[shorty16]

Shannon,

Great memories you made tending Mother Earth.

That is one thing I learned about this grief journey. Every moment is a potential memory. It is up to us whether it is a good memory or a not so good one.

Shannon, you created some great ones!

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[shorty16]

My friends,

I too believe our kids send us signs.

I felt Brian go through me the night he died. I received the dreaded phone call, stood up to leave and felt a rush through my chest. There was no fear at all ...NONE. I had just been told Brian was in a terrible crash and this rush pass through me..Bringing me peace.

I did not realize what is was until over a year late. A mom posted on here the same experience I had, but she knew her daughter had died at that time. That is how I know the time of Brian's death. Almost a full hour before his death certificate states. They worked along time..to no avail.

I cherish that memory of what is to come for me.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan, this is a picture of  one of the yurts that I mentioned on my walk yesterday. You can see that we still have snow on the ground. You had asked me a while ago how I managed to find happiness after what has happened. I guess it is in finding joy in the moment and living in that moment that gives me happiness. 

 

Shannon, I love your flowers. I have posted a picture of a Dot Com Lily that is so pretty. It is one of my favourites. Working in the garden is so healing.

 

Also a picture of a Pincherry that grows along the path leading to Jeff's site.

 

A calming picture of the Bow River along the route to my son's home.

 

And the last one is a pic I had posted previously that is sure to bring a smile to your face. That little guy is giving them a run for their money. But oh, gosh he is so cute.

 

Sandy, thinking of you today. Please let us know how you are holding up. Were they able to get Kelly's pain under control?

 

Colleen, I too remember your earlier post about the moment Brian died. I also see how much you have grown stronger and learned to find that new path you walk starting too bring you happiness again. It is so encouraging for those that are new to this journey to see that life in time will continue again. Differently...but definitely continue it will. After my stroke years ago I thought that nothing could be worse. Then Jeff died. And I can say with all honesty that it has been like clawing my way up a steep slope with one hand. But now I can see the top.

[Mermaid Tears]

Colleen....I remember your story of having that 'rush' pass through you....and how it calmed you and you had this amazing feeling of 'peace'.....

what a priceless gift...thanks for sharing that again....for there are 'new ones' that need to hear that...

 

Kate...I see bright eyes that look like little 'stars' on your GRANDdaughter....I do believe that children gain a lot of wisdom having a family pet...

 

Thanks for posting those photos....I do believe you live in a super beautiful place on this earth home...after the snow melts...

 

 

For some reason.....the word ...sustain....has become a recurring word for me....maybe I am in need of being sustained...

I think I will need stamina for the road ahead....

I think I am balancing the grief burden somewhat better...

maybe I see the road ahead and know I will have to walk it without that boy...

I will need sustenance for the trip...

I guess that I will have to pack a lot of faith...

[mikesmomrs]

Double post.

[mikesmomrs]

Kim has been in the OR for 3 1/2 hours...took her in at 4:15...they said they won't really know anything until they are actually in there. ..going too look with a laparascope first to see if it just needs repair. If not then they will have to do the incision. When they first did the original ileostomy in '05, the incision on the front was 18" long and took a very long time to heal. I am praying that is not the case this time. Actually, i'm just praying. Thank you all for your prayers and good wishes and your support. ♡♡♡ I feel you all here with me, in this room, surrounding me with your love and friendship.

[Sholl1955]

Carol, I am praying for Kim and the entire family.   It is so hard to have to wait hours when someone you l love is in surgery.  

 

It has been a week since my hubby was admitted to the hospital and 4 days since his surgery.,  He was moved today to a Rehab facility to continue his recovery and to regain strength in his legs and back so he can get back to walking.   I am concerned about his comfort as he still is having a great deal of pain.  But I know that Physical Therapy will help with that in the long run.  It was so hard to leave him there.  But it is very close to home and and I need to remind myself that I am not the only one that can care for him.  So I need to put him in God's hands.   So, Gabby and I are here and she is stuck like glue to me.   My thoughts are with everyone on this site and I would like to chat with all of you, but am so weary tonight that I think I will just rest.   So I will remember you each in my thoughts and prayers .   Have a restful night.

 

Sandy

 

 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Kim has been in the OR for 3 1/2 hours...took her in at 4:15...they said they won't really know anything until they are actually in there. ..going too look with a laparascope first to see if it just needs repair. If not then they will have to do the incision. When they first did the original ileostomy in '05, the incision on the front was 18" long and took a very long time to heal. I am praying that is not the case this time. Actually, i'm just praying. Thank you all for your prayers and good wishes and your support. ♡♡♡ I feel you all here with me, in this room, surrounding me with your love and friendship.

Sending prayers for Kim!

[mikesmomrs]

Oops...sorry...another double post. ..danged phone!

[mikesmomrs]

Thank you God....Kim is out of the OR and " doing well." The surgery wound up being somewhere in the middle of the "most extensive" to the "least extensive." It turned out to not be a "repair OR rebuild" but a "repair AND rebuild." They "repaired" the intestine and "built" a new stoma. I know that sounds kind of graphic and personal, but I didn't know how else to say it and I know Kim doesn't mind my telling you all, because she knows and respects how close we are. I don't think she'd approve of my posting the details on my public Facebook page, though! :-) We all want to thank all of you so very very much for your support and prayers and most of all, your surrounding us with your love. My family knows how much you all mean to me and it means so much to them that you are so loving towards me and my family.

SANDY: praying your husband does well in rehab and they are able to help him get back on his feet soon.

[wgreenlee]

Carol...

Sending prayers your way.  Thinking of you as you, Kim, and your whole family go through this.  Praying fervently to God to provide some light and healing to Kim right now.

 

Been a struggle this last week and some.  Last Tuesday a young man, David, and young woman, Ana, died in a car accident here in Carson.  I didn't know Ana, but knew David and his family.  They called me up last week and wanted to know if I had been satisfied with the funeral home, as they were thinking of using the same one and saw Brooks' little headstone I made.  Today they buried David right next to Brooks.  When I visited Brooks on Saturday I saw the mound of dirt and thought it must be for him.  I just got back from visiting Brooks, and the "gravediggers" were putting the dirt and sod back on.  I take Brooks' things down each Monday morning so the lawn people can mow and trim and was putting everything back.  They were very nice and we talked while they worked.  Wanted to help, but they said I'd get my school clothes dirty.  Didn't care...  They finished and then started to cut another grave right next to David's for a service tomorrow.  They said they had another one to prepare for Saturday too...it is Debbie's, my teacher friend.  Brooks now has many new neighbors this spring.  I've seen them do this a few other times as well.  I asked them if they had done Brooks' site and they said yes.  Kinda nice to know the people who actually laid him to rest.  Told them they did a very nice job and I appreciated it.  They said that's the least they could do for those moving on.  There are three of them and they are Native American...Washoe Tribe, I imagine.  Anyway, one of them is quite elderly...he only shovels a little dirt now and again, but seems to know where to find the graves and how to do the other stuff.  He told me that my boy's spirit is still here and just waiting to find a new way to come back to us in whatever form will be the most natural.  He even mentioned it is good that I have that wooden headstone with Brooks' picture so that it will be easier for Brooks to find his way back to me.  Not really what I believe, but for him to comfort me in that way was what I needed.

 

Just so much stuff that I should be doing with Brooks right now.  He always helped at the track meets.  Had a big one on Saturday and missed him.  We have testing this week and I always make breakfast each day for my testing group, and he would always help me cook or serve it.  We tried to make it special so the kids would think the testing was really important. Kind of a tradition now and the kids wanted to know what I was going to make.  I almost told them no, but didn't have the heart, so today we just had cereal and bagels and fruit.  Tomorrow I will make scrambled eggs and sausage and Wednesday I'll make a french toast bake.  Sure do wish Brooks could help.

 

Thinking of everyone...

[wgreenlee]

Carol...

I am so happy for you and will continue to pray for Kim's recovery.  I needed that good news, too.  Thank you, God!

 

Sandy...

Praying the same for your husband.

 

Hoping for peace and good to come to everyone!

[mikesmomrs]

Wade." ..Thank to you so much. I know that Brooks is very proud of you for continuing to keep up the breakfast tradition. ..I know it must be difficult though. I am glad that meeting the men working in the cemetery gave you comfort to when you learned they had prepared Brooks site. it reminded me of the day we placed young Mike's stone. Mike wanted to be cremated and we all had keepsake urns, per his request, with the remainder kept in a regular-sized urn at our house. A couple years after he died, his wife and I decided we wanted some "place" to go and so decided to install a flat stone at the cemetery. His boys wanted to put a small amount of the ashes under the stone, so we made an appointment with the staff to set the stone in place on the day we put the ashes there. When we got there the two men were waiting...they both had a Red Sox t-shirts on...it allowed us to have moment of smiling, especially for the boys. They thought it was awesome.

[ericasmom]

Carol, so sweet of you to let us know that Kim is out of surgery and resting. I am so glad. You must be zonkered but relieved. Are you staying the night? Get some sleep. I continue prayers that Kim heal and repair with each day, that she feels better than new soon.

 

Sandy, I am glad that your Husband has been moved to a rehab placement. I am hoping that your going home allows you some deep sleep as you must need that by now. Prayers continue for your hubby too, to heal and repair, no more pain.

 

Wade, the breakfasts...made through the tears and pain of more loss, I am so sorry for more loss. I sure do get it. I also know what healing it is to provide for those kids, the way they in turn, provide so much for your heart.

In three years after Eri died, I lost 6 contemporaries and a young woman that our family knew and my kids knew all their lives. Two years later, 3 more friends passed and my former husband as well. It makes no sense, it just is. Somehow, it just is.

[SamDsmom]

Carol,

Glad to hear about Kim. Hopefully the worst is behind her. Praying for a speedy recovery for both get and Sandy's husband.

Wade,

It is so special that you carry on those traditions. I'm sure you have such a positive effect on your students as you so obviously did Brooks.

Do you think more people are dying around us now our are we so hypersensitive to it that we feel it deeper?

For me today, I am going to try to keep controlling people at bay. It seems that since my Sam left that is all I have surrounding me. Our maybe it's just that I notice that more also.

I will read everything from the last few days and write more later. I'm feeling a little down today. Must be the weather. Sad for all those poor people in the south. Hope everyone is safe.

Hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Debbie

[Mermaid Tears]

Carol and Sandy.....many on this site rejoice that your loved one came through the surgery....and now....will be in recovery and in a place of healing...and that is a day to day situation...

and please remember to 'self care'.....the 'caretaker' can become so rundown....they can become as sick as the patient...as Dee says.....get that healing sleep...and then it will be a win/win for all.

[Jeff's Mom]

How true Dee...how true! Carol and Sandy, so pleased that you have crossed this first hurdle. Make sure you are both taking care of yourselves. You both must be exhausted after the past stressful few days. Hoping each day sees a positive improvement.

 

Wade, so many losses in such a short time. The breakfasts made at a time your own heart aches is a clear indication of what a kind and giving person you are.  

 

Debbie, those blue days are ok. Take good care of yourself.

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade....I can only 'imagine' how it was to stand there and witness someone you know...being put to rest...next to your Brooks...the talk with the guys at the cemetery..having another notch in your belt for knowing of another family going through the grief journey...

  after I lost my John David...my Aunt Mildred died...my Dad's only sister..and last surviving sibling...how he loved her...he talked to me before he died of certain things he wanted me to do for her if he died before her....and I carried out his wishes...then...I just could not go to the funeral...I felt as if I let the family down...her children...my cousins...but...I was just running on empty...then my cousin died.(my Dad's family)...and once again....I just could not go.....and then another cousin died..(my Mom's side of the family)....and I did not go to the funeral....a couple that lived across the street from us..Miss Francis and Mr Gene....we became so close with....they reminded me of my parents...Mr Gene flew 'the hump' during WW11...well...she died...and just like my Dad...Mr Gene died 8 months later....I did go to Mr Gene's funeral...but not to graveside services...my sweetest friend here in Brenham...Suzy..she owned the doll shop...she passed...they had a 'celebration of life' service...no funeral...a couple of months after she died..and I did attend...

      I thought I had learned every life lesson....my BFF Margaret Ann and I use to say...'we have suffered everything except the death of a child'.....she passed away 9 years ago.....and now when I 'talk' to her....I say...'I lost my little boy'...but I like to think she was 'there to greet him'.....they both had a very close relationship...(she is my friend that named her first born son, John David)....

    I find myself learning 'more' life lessons now....another book is open...and there is a vast universe of knowledge for me to study....

 

Your idea to have the breakfast for your students is stellar....not only do you feed the student knowledge...but feed them with nutrients as well....is a good thing. They will remember that always.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Carol, so glad to hear your daughter is out of surgery...take care of yourself too...it is easy to forget to keep hydrated and to eat something nutritious...

 

Sandy, continued  healing prayers for Kelly...

 

Wade, I thank you for sharing the older man's wisdom today...what I needed to hear too...reminds me of the scripture that "our natural body will be raised a spiritual body" and with a much greater ability...

 

It is so kind of you to cook breakfast for your students...

 

Susan, yes for me there is definitely a different book open, and I agree with Dee's thought, of so many passing -- "It makes no sense, it just is. Somehow, it just is."

 

Debbie, I tend to stay away from a certain overbearing personality type as well...I think when the death of a child happens there is just so much happening to us internally that we need to find that inner voice that is evolving out of our child's death, or should I say "our own death"...because who we once were has passed as well...and this evolving is ongoing...with many bumps along the way...

 

...For myself I have also let go of some of the "dogma" that I had accepted at one time...I have never been a group follower anyways...I have found in my own detailed study of thanatology (death), that there are certain commonalities that have emerged no matter what...and also personal experiences that indicated there is much more to one's existance; and that not all there is, is visible to the eye...some truths must be found when one is ready to hear...

..there is much research going on the current study of consciousness surviving death by some very brilliant researchers...

 

Sending warm thoughts to Cherry, Mary Ann and Wanda...

 

Sherry, the other day my mom had a momma fox and her tiny pup come in the yard...my mom said the little one was hopping straight into the air,  playing  and running around...for some reason it made me think of you with all the critters that pay a visit...hopefully the hawks have left your bird feeder alone...

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie...what you wrote opened up a portal....

  when our child passed....we, too, passed....passed into another kind of life...and living...

for we can never be 'the same'...

and the framework of the family changed...

evolving...

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

 

 

We understand those dates....that don't make headlines....

the Nation doesn't take off work for....don't we ?