Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

I just wanted to 'share' my thoughts for all on this site....I can read certain posts and my heart wants to reach out with a word or words .....just to let you know 'you were heard'.....

I think many of us would like to know that someone does hear us....and someone cares....and someone is walking the same grief journey....in their unique way.....for that unique child....but we do share a common mourning....

 

Sandy....I listened to you.....you have a large burden of caretaker responsibility on your shoulders...and other grief burdens...just wanted you to know we are here to hear you....

 

This Spring has been such an eye opener for me.....last year....Daniel recovering from open heart surgery....I raw with grief...and I was in a 'panic' over the planning and details of 'how to scatter and bless' John David's ashes...with Grace..Love...Remembrance...

   I was working in the back yard the other day....and I was wondering 'why' I did not do anything last year....

   then I have my moment...'OH YES'....

that is a weird strange feeling....

 

For all that are approaching that First Angelversary....I can share what I experienced...

When I was on that boat.....I could not believe that 365 days had passed since I lost my John David....

   I think for a grieving parent.....a day can seem like a year.....

and a year can seem like a day.....for the pain...that 'hit' that strikes you right in the heart..is still so acute...

and we are blindsided every day with our persona's trying to let what happen process in every cell of a parent's heart and body and mind....

it is relentless....the emotional struggle....the physical ...and the mental....

Keep in mind that we are human....with a Super Human Love for our child...

What one does on the Angelversary is not measured by how we love that child or how we choose to spend that day....it can be a visit to 'their resting place'.....a visit to a quiet Chapel....going out with their friends on a picnic and let the laughs intermingle with tears in recalling the fun times....

  Keep in mind...there will be future Angelversaries....and you can do something different...or keep the same venue ...on each one.....

    For me....as I am slouching and trudging on this second year....each morning I wake up seems as if it could be an Angelversary day.....the first thought is 'What will I do...without you'.......as the day passes...it changes to 'What can I do for you'......

As Dee says....'We can stand in their light...where they cannot'....

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....I think the first lesson that was imprinted on me was 'Family is Everything' and 'Family cares for Family'.....

there was a time when there wasn't a government handout on every corner....there were no social nets to catch people that fall in the cracks....or when someone would lose a job...or break their leg....could not work....

no.....all they had was family to go to...to lean on....and home was a place where you were always welcomed....

so.....maybe that was imprinted on you, too....it is not the worse imprint....but....it can be an imprint that could take advantage of a very caring and giving 'heart'....

     First....please remember Daniel's story....he had bad chest pains about 2 months after John David passed....every test was run on him....some even twice..(Aaron asked for that).....nothing showed ...then...in May his only symptoms were like an upper respiratory infection....then...open heart quadruple by pass surgery.....wham !  I was simply floored. Grief and stress are processed so different in each person. I am not telling you this to be an alarmist..but as caution.

     

I do understand you opening your heart and home to your sister and children....divorce is such a challenge...especially for one with 3 children...(I was once that Mom with 3 children...but I had my parents..full support from family...and did not have to worry about money or a place to live...nothing material...but still with all that..it was a very emotional and heartbreaking situation)...you mentioned 'the timing of it all'......and with all of 'Trista's special dates and calendar markers coming up....maybe you both will have something to offer each other for that dark place...some kind of light to shine on it. Really...this grief journey that comes with no map....we just have to try and make the best decision we can at the time..and do the best we can....and take it one day at a time.

    I find that since I lost my John David....time does not exist for me the way it used to.....it is hard to describe...maybe because I have one foot planted in 'yesterday and memory'.....and the other foot in 'this new normal'....and I am in a wormhole.....

   and I have the same thoughts, too.....'how have I survived?'.....I guess I have....

I am still standing...

        I do understand taking your girl's things and 'protecting the sacred'.....I have just started entertaining thoughts of 'sharing' some of John David's 'sacred' things....who should get 'what'....am glad I just left everything alone for these many months....I have a little more clarity of what would be meaningful and to whom it should go to....

       Thank you for sharing your 'yard work'....Trista's Garden....and your 'Solitude Garden'....and those pictures of Aiden...you can see the sheer joy of that little boy playing in Mother Nature.....and you are getting a lot of healing from Mother Nature when She can wrap her sunshine and wind around you....

   Is your Grama moving to live near you ? What a Win/Win that would be for both of you....when  you talk of her...I give thoughts to how easier it would be if Essie could give me some of her words and wisdom.....in a way....I feel her close by and hear that voice in my ear....I can remember many things she said....and I apply it to me now....and I can even remember some things I had not thought of in years and years....maybe because I need it so much now.

     I found it very unique that Trista had a dream of your Dad sleeping in a car.....and then....it happened...your girl had a lot of Star Dust in her for one so young...

    I do hope your Dad is in a place where he is safe.....and also....you and yours are safe from him....it is heartbreaking for your Grama I am sure....and her dealing with loss of her Trista...I wish our 'ordeals' could just come one at a time...

     I do believe you are doing 'ok'.....and it is 'ok' to just be 'ok'....not horrible...not great....just 'ok'.....I heard a song on Pandora...I wrote it down....it reminded me of Trista....will find the paper I wrote it on....I still don't know how to post songs..sigh...

[Mermaid Tears]

When one gets to a 'certain age'....it is good to have younger ones bring you music you would not know of...or hear....they can keep that young ear for you.....I had Jeremy for so long.....to bring that new music to me...he was 10 years old when I became a GRANDmother......and now....I have Austin....I told him that I think the new songwriters and singer of songs have a great depth to them....they have a net that throws a wide circle...to catch the ear of young and old...

  he recently 'sent' me a song by Brandi Carlile called 'In the Morrow'...he said it reminded him of John David...he was recently in a production of 'Rent' at the Cameo Theater in San Antonio last week end...only playing Friday- Sat. and Sunday...I could not go because I have some kind of eye infection....in fact I told him he would love my red eyes...for they look like Vampire eyes and would be a favorite of his when he was going through his Vampire Phase....

 

I do not know where this infection came from....too many tears ?

 

I heard this song on Pandora....I thought of Eri...Cara...Trista...'The Show' by Lenka......it has a cute..sassy...twinkly kind of melody and words....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I find that since I lost my John David....time does not exist for me the way it used to.....it is hard to describe...maybe because I have one foot planted in 'yesterday and memory'.....and the other foot in 'this new normal'....and I am in a wormhole.....and I have the same thoughts, too.....'how have I survived?'.....I guess I have....

I am still standing...

This is so true...how well written...time is a very elusive thing for me....

Yes, the other night was a late one...

******************

I too want to echo Susan's thoughts about reading what people post, pondering over words written with tears, sending prayers heavenward, and please know that someone holds your hand...and I am grateful you all have held mine...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

In the Morrow

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you so much Laurie....isn't that song and the words written with an invisible ink on our hearts....

 

And you have been such a deep well of support....and your ability to research and look in all the corners and report back to us what you have learned....

for this is a journey one has to 'learn'....there is nothing innate about it....

and I have found that this is truly an experience that you have to live it to know it...

there is not a book....a movie....another person....that can describe the grief of losing a child...

and the grief journey one has to travel...unless you have lost a child....

 

As Dee has said many times...'how very brave we are to live one day more after losing our child'

 

 

 

Dee....I know you are wrapping up another year....almost the end of May....

Randa and friends traveled to San Antonio on Friday for Austin's play....Pebbie threw up all day Saturday....and on Sunday I helped her with one of her 'school projects'....she was very droopy...said her tummy hurt from all the retching...but she and I have so much fun in creating them...she told me she wished she could go to school 'one day a week' in the summer...she has had a great year with a great teacher....love our teachers !!

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan,

Thank you for your words and for the music. I’ve been caught up in worry and questioning everything. Have I done enough? Have I done too much? Can I handle this? Am I putting too much on my husband? I have been overwhelmed. Thank you for sharing what happened to Daniel and his health. I am trying to optimistic but realistic. I know, with Terry (my first husband) the signs were there. We just didn’t see them. I was 29 years old and never thought… If he said his shoulder pain was a football injury then that’s what it was and so he saw a chiropractor instead of a cardiologist. I don’t talk to anyone about these things. I’m thankful for this this place. I just don’t share my ‘stuff’ with anyone and so I keep it all in and then it all seems so overwhelming. I talk about Trista a lot but just the good memories… never the missing, never the hard stuff. That’s mine and I hold on to it. I don’t feel like anyone gets it really and so I just keep it. I try not to put any other stress on my husband right now. My sis, well, I’m just trying to be there for her and she’s struggling. My Gramma has her own trials right now and she’s told me how it’s so hard because she has the pain of losing Trista plus the pain of witnessing my pain and not being able to fix it and so I don’t want to put that on her either. I’m just so thankful for this place and all of you.

I’ve thought about the same thing with the timing of my Sis coming. Maybe it’s not bad timing. Maybe it’s even right timing. Maybe I will need her with me during this time as much as she needs to be here and I would never ask her so…

What you said about Trista’s star dust … she told me, ‘We are made from the same star dust’. One of those magical things she would say.

Feeling a bit more grounded after my visit with my Gramma today. We got her all moved in and settled. It’s a nice place. It felt a little like home. Even though it’s a new place it’s still my Gram’s place filled with her things, reminders of my childhood. I think wherever she is will always feel a little like home. It was her and my Grampa’s wedding anniversary today. I was with her and Tris is with him.

[daveydow1]

Lora----I so agree....sometimes when we stop to think about it.....we wonder

how we were even able to go from minute-to-minute after the loss of our

beloved children. To me,.....sometimes it seems that it must have been

another 'person'....not myself.  But, we do somehow go on because our

dear children would want us to, and we have others who depend on us.

 

Wade----Thanks for the good song.

 

Dee-----I, too, like to fall off to sleep with thunder in the distance...seems

so comforting somehow.  Thanks for the video.....very nice.

 

Shannon ----I know what you mean about keeping the hard stuff to yourself.

I do that too.  As you said.....it's difficult, sometimes, to really talk about it,

especially when you feel that it is not fully understood by others.  I guess

that we must pace ourselves for taking on extra responsibilities. We do

get so tired, because grieving is hard work. Prayers for you and your

husband and children. Oh.....love pics of Trista's garden. Thanks.

 

Susan---I think that we fight against the 'new normal' for us after our loss,

and it's only natural to want to think of happier times.  We realize that the

new normal is now, but we can't help going back to those times before

our hearts were broken.  Peace to you.

 

 

Laurie----

Thanks for the song.....very nice. I had not heard it before. The

words fit grieving hearts....."Don't we always find a way to carry on".?  

I, too, like to 'sample' the new music. I admit that some

I don't like, but a lot of the music is very well-written and very good.

 

WISHING   PEACE    AND  TRANQUILITY   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry  

 

[ericasmom]

GOOD song Laurie, thanks for posting it, is that the one Susan wanted to hear???

 

Susan, the one thing that I wrote over and over the first 5 years after Erica left was that time made little sense anymore. It was like a twilight zone episode in so many ways, ticking slowly in the night and yet the weeks would zip past, where was I in all of it? Time had become a very abstract entity, no longer involving what time had meant, but now involving much more, suddenly it involved how time stopped and restarted in someone else's life. Totally knocks one off what balance they thought they had. Time has taken on a less abstract character now but will always be a bit off, the before and the after, the how can that be that long ago??? Take care of your eye, i hope it is nothing more than a few days of discomfort. Are you using drops? Hope Pebbie is also feeling better. I am in my busy times at school though we are not out until June 10th. I have SO much to do, oh well, I shall do it.

 

Sherry, no storms tonight but it is hot and humid feeling, I could use a cool breeze for sure. So many columbine have come up, some violet and purple tall stems as well as the standard columbine which I also love. The indigo is about ready to open as are some daisies. Husband dug in the cana and planted our dahlia bulbs. Fun times.

 

Shannon, I hope Gramma is fine in her new place, taking on the care of a 5 year old is no easy task and facing the anniversary of Trista's leaving while knowing that your Dad is putting pressure on the family has got to be enough, but I have a feeling that being able to be iwth you today makes her feel the same way you feel when with her...home again. I am glad of that for you both.

 

Thanks Wade for the great song last evening.

 

Sleep well All.

[wgreenlee]

Susan…

'What will I do...without you'.......as the day passes...it changes to 'What can I do for you’……  

 

Your words are so true.  It does provide me so much comfort to know others are “listening” and I’m always looking for that phrase…picture…memory…song to help me remember that life does…will…go on.  And sometimes it’s those things about your children that make it so.  Pain…heartache…compassion…and love…bind us together.

 

I just finished a ten hour middle school championship track meet and one of the varsity girls helping out asked me if I had a son or daughter, and for the very first time I was able to talk about Brooks without shedding any tears.  There were actually three girls and they just listened to me as I recounted a little about Brooks.  One of them said he must have been the kind of kid who always “gave” and she thought that was really nice.  I am already thinking about his angelversary as others are doing the same, and what you wrote already is easing my mind.  Thank you!

 

When I find a song I want to post, I go to YouTube and look it up.  Then I copy the URL address and simply paste that into my post.

 

Wondering if Austin plans to pursue acting as a career?  Poor little Pebbie…glad she had a good year at school…so important when they’re little.

 

Hoping that eye infection goes away soon.

 

Laurie…

Thanks for posting that song.  “We always find a way to carry on…”  The human spirit really is adaptable…finding out the hard way, but each day does bring something to hold on to.

 

Shannon…

Glad everything went ok with Gramma.  You have so much on your plate right now.  You have a giant heart of gold.  Renea’s mom just left, but I wish she could have stayed longer.  It was nice to have another person around the house.  I know your house will be full, but who knows how it might help in the long run.  I hope it does, especially as June approaches for you.  Hoping all goes well with your husband’s health.

 

Trista had so many wonderful sayings.  She certainly had a unique perspective on life…refreshing.  I would have loved to have had her as a student.

 

Her garden is beautiful…and you put so much love into it.  Like I said…you have a golden heart.

 

Sherry…

I think that we fight against the 'new normal' for us after our loss,

and it's only natural to want to think of happier times.  We realize that the new normal is now, but we can't help going back to those times before our hearts were broken.  Peace to you.

 

That is my “fight” daily, but the peace you offer daily seems to be finding it’s way slowly into my life.

 

Dee…

I looked up all the flowers you wrote about.  I wish I had a “green thumb.”  Trying, but it just doesn’t go too well.  We finally had a nice, long day of rain and sunshine today.  Played havoc with the track meet, but it was still so long in coming.  Hopefully it will help for fire season.  For some reason it made me think about Brooks too.  Rain and sunshine…

 

Debbie…

Thank you, but no reason to be sorry.  So much going on, but I know you were thinking about him, just as I do about Sam and everyone else…our angels are never far from my mind.  I truly think about them being together…faith that they all know and are connected with each other just like we are…

 

Hoping your days on the road are going ok and peace is finding it’s way into your heart.

 

Maryann…

Thank you, as well, but no reason to be sorry.  I constantly feel the love you all provide daily.

 

Kate…

How is Kim doing?  Seems like it’s going to be ok…  Little disappointed in those Canadians.   I want them in the Cup.  I think Jeff would like that if Boston isn’t there.

 

Good night my Indigo family.  Thank you for being "you"!

[lovU2themoon]

 for a grieving parent.....a day can seem like a year.....

and a year can seem like a day....

 

This is how it feels, time is strange now,

 

I didn't think i could live through Christmas without Lane

or mothers day, or my birthday or any days. 

I didn't think i could live one day without Lane, but the days have added up.

Will i live through July 18, his birthday?

Aug 9 2014, one year since he died?

 

I don't think to far ahead, one day at a time, although my counselor wants me to prepare for those day, think about the tough days ahead so i am not blindsided by grief when they arrive. 

My chest becomes heavier and tight when i think ahead  or of the future.

 

For those that traveled this road, what helped you? 

One day at a time?

Thinking about the tough days?

 

I have spend most of my journey being in THIS day, one day at a time, i find it extremely difficult to think of his birthday.... or Aug 9....

 

 

Thinking of you all 

 

Wanda

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Wade, you're right...Jeff would have been glued to the TV tonight watching the Habs playing. It was unfortunate that Price was injured earlier. If you remember he was the goalie that won the Olympic gold. Anyway, we'll see how things go at The Gardens tonight. We have a huge following of Canadiens where we live. Winnipeg is connected to St. Boniface... which is the largest French speaking community outside of Quebec.

 

Dee, I am envious...it sounds as if you have headed into full planting mode. Finally our weather is terrific. Supposedly heading into the high twenties (Celcius) this weekend. At long last!

 

Wanda, yes...one day at a time is for the  most part all that we can manage at the beginning. Eventually you will start to find that happiness will creep into your life again in little ways. It will come with patience and faith. This is a hard process to get through.

 

Susan, hope that you are taking good care of yourself.

 

Woke up this morning to a brilliant sun shining over the lake. It is going to be a glorious day. Bring it on! I've been waiting for this heat for months. I plan to spend the day in my gardens.

 

Thinking of everyone and wishing you all a really peaceful day. Love, Kate  

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wanda,

I’m not much farther down the road than you but I did want to respond to what you wrote. I tend to think ahead and worry about everything. How will I? How will everyone else? What should I do? Am I doing the right thing? It’s always been my personality to be the planner, the worrier and now, I think because of my grief and the PTSD, it’s much worse. My therapist is having me do the opposite… to learn to be more in the moment and only ask myself what do I need to do today or even just this moment. I’m trying to do that and it helps a lot but sometimes I still spiral and get stuck on that ‘what if’ track. Your counselor is asking you to try to look ahead so I’m wondering if there is some balance there, to somehow live in the ‘now’ and take it day by day but allow some time to look ahead and prepare ourselves a little. I don’t know. I’m definitely not a therapist. I just thought I’d share my experience and for me… your way works much better and I’m trying to learn to do that. I think, especially this early on, it should be whatever works. This summer is going to be a very hard one for many of us. Just living one day without our Children would have seemed impossible but we are… somehow. I know how you miss your Lane and I miss Tris too. It’s hard to get through one day so trying to think too many days a head can be just overwhelming. Just my thoughts.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dee, yes that is the song that Susan wanted. Just reading along...I am at my parents, drove down again with my youngest son, Thomas...still a little rough here...

 

Sigh...

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....as I have said....I feel you are at the right place at the right time....I know they 'need' you and Thomas now...maybe not in the 'physical' sense....but that for that sweet space when you are together...under one roof....I hope you are remembering to 'self care'....you have had to face a lot of strong winds from different directions...

 

 

Dee...how right you are....our life did 'stop'....the life we knew.....

and then we had to 'start' a new life...shape our 'new normal'....

 

 

 

I was just thinking over the week-end how I have changed...I have to process it all before I post what I find....

 

 

Shannon....I just want to tell you I think all of us are like you....we are all alike in the respect we don't tell people what we are 'really thinking'  or hurting...or deeply sad...beyond sad....

I don't think the people around me really want to know....

I think they are afraid...

I don't think they could handle it..

They would not know how to deal with me....

That is why I come 'here'.....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan,

Yes... I think for many ... we just don't share that deep deep pain. It's impossible to put into words, anyway. In a way it's to protect them because I don't want to put any of it on anyone else and also it's self preservation. Knowing it would not be fully understood.

Laurie,

I'm sure your parents are very glad to have you and Thomas with them. I was glad to read that he's doing okay. What about Christina?

Wade,

I read that you were able to talk about Brooks to those Girls and that's wonderful. I think it's so good to share our Children with others.

Sherry,

Thanks. Trista's Garden is just what I do. I don't know. It helps. I agree about pacing ourselves. There is so much that is just life and life happens. I am trying to not add to that by taking on things that aren't mine to take on.

Kate,

I'm glad your weather is warming up and you will be able to enjoy some sun.

Dee,

Good to hear the flowers are starting to bloom. I have columbine too, purple and pink and I love Dahlia's but I've never planted them. Just bought them in pots. I went to the greenhouse the other day and they had a shelf of clearance flowers. They all looked very neglected but they had lots of perennials for $1 so I figured even if they don't come back fully this year they will come back strong next year. There was also one little yellow dahlia that looked pretty sad. I brought her home she's starting to come back after lots care.

Hard day today. I got paperwork naming me 'executor of Trista's estate'. Made my trip to the bank to deal with the checks and bonds in her name. It was hard hard hard. Everyone there is really nice. They all know us and knew Tris. My bank is less than a block from our house and Trista went in a lot to drop off deposits for us, etc. Things like that are exhausting.

We had a lot of flooding here last night... big thunderstorms. We were lucky. Our landscape timbers and much of the mulch from Aiden's play area floated away and now are lining our back fence so we have some clean up to do. Other's got it much worse. Our business has had lots of calls for flooded basements and homes. I took Aiden out once the storms passed and he was so excited to run through the water. It came up to his hips in spots. Now the sun is shining and everything is drying out. I'm going to go to Trista's site in after Aiden's nap to clean up and see if the flowers are ok. There is a place just next door, the YS Botanicals with lots of flowers and plants. Some things you don't find everywhere. I think I might wonder around there for awhile too. Aiden likes it because they have garden ponds and ducks.

Thinking of everyone today and sending wishes for a peaceful day.

[Guest]

 

 

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[Mermaid Tears]

Lora....please let us 'see' what you have created for your Cara....I think it is so neat that you and Dee (might) get to meet up...didn't a group from this site have a get together some years ago....I 'sorta' remember reading a post about it...just can't remember specifics....

   It is a good feeling to know our 'children' can move away and find their place and footing....when my adult children were establishing careers...marriage...homes....it felt rather unnerving that they could really do all that.....without Mom...

   then I had to remind myself....I was the one that raised them to be so independent..I (thankfully) still get the calls 'about how to do this...or what to do about that'.....

[ericasmom]

Susan, it was years ago when Trudi came all the way from Australia, Bonnie from Texas, Colleen from Wisconsin, Carol from Massachusetts, and Marcia from Nevada??? ...and me from Chicago, and we met in Minneapolis, Minnesota for three days. We worked to make a video which is somewhere on this site where we named all of the kids that we knew at that time. We shared meals, tears, laughter, walks, our stories and our hearts. It was a wonderful way to spend some of our summertime. We joined after so many of our typed out heartfelt stories, and it made our hearts feel quite united.

[Mermaid Tears]

of course...my Dee...my Spirit Guide....had this experience....Thank You...Thank You.... I feel close to you....with the words and the comfort...and the abiding presence of you, Dee...

    am thankful that you connected in physical with all....can only imagine the sowing and the reaping....and all that you 'all' gained for coming together....who knows...maybe we or them or they or us...or who...can come together again...gee...all the way from Australia....???

[ericasmom]

Susan, we have had thoughts of more reunions, I am not a traveler though, so I always opt for Chicago. It is after all, a wonderful city in which to take in museums, the lakefront, festivals, shopping, music, great food, and there are many good hotels. I go as far as my car will go, I hate to fly and haven't in quite some time. I am such a wimp, but yes, Trudi was visiting America. She went on from us and toured several other states including traveling to Hawaii before heading home. I would be happy to meet you Susan and all those here, in person, up close and personal. Colleen is not far nor is Laurie, Sandy is pretty close too. One never knows.

 

Going to bed but just want to say that I have read everyone's stories today and in each I hear your heartbeat.

 

Some flowers from the garden and the window boxes.

[Jeff's Mom]

Lora, I know that your pot for the site will look beautiful. You will put it together with a lot of love and thought.

Laurie, you are going through an anxious time right now. I am sure that your parents appreciate your efforts to be there for them. Thinking of you this weekend.

Wade...as we watch...they are tied! We shall see.

Susan, so much on your plate to deal with. You have shown such kindness and compassion for your father. Your concern is apparent...and I think you handled it perfectly. Your gardening must give you such pleasure. I know that for me I feel such a sense of peace... and derive that much needed feeling of escape as I work and watch everything grow.

Today was a wonderful day. I could not have asked for anything better. The temps were perfect. The air was clean and calm. The sky was a perfect colour of robins egg blue. Slightly deeper. We have two families of house wrens that are now nesting in two houses by my gardens. They have come to know me. We work around each other. I have noticed over the years how their song changes at three different times as they are nesting. What a cheerful sound. My cheeky fox has done a no show the last few days and I am concerned for his wellbeing.

I am happy to report that my sweet friend is still doing her own thing. Our Vet has told us that she is the last of the five blind and diabetic dogs that is still being treated by them. Each day brings us challenges and ups and downs. Today she was very alert and perky. I took her outside and she really enjoyed just snuffling the air, etc. I like to sit with her every evening and give her my special TLC. She has definitely earned her Brownie points. Tomorrow I will give her a much loved bath....we no longer have her groomed. It is too stressful for her. I bought a lovely shampoo and conditioner and she will smell as sweet as my Mother's Day flowers when I am done. With any luck she can sit outside and dry in the warmth of the sun. I can't believe she is almost fifteen.

My life has definitely been altered dramatically after Jeff's death. It has taken me until now to find that I can actually find a degree of happiness again. I won't kid you...it will never be the same. How it could it? But in a strange way it has given me the courage to kick butt. To put that aside that no longer matters. To no longer sweat the small stuff. It has made me realize how precious each and every day is. How important our relationships are. That is what really matters. The rest is window dressing.

Wishing everyone a restful sleep tonight. Kate

[lovU2themoon]

Thanks for your advise.

This is just so..... there really are no words...

 

Shannon, i appreciate you sharing what your therapist is doing to help you along this journey, and not being a therapist, but being a parent who lost her heart, is more valuable then any therapy. I find strength in those who have traveled or are on the same road. Sharing our pain, our strength and our kids is so very valuable to me. I think of your Trista often. 

I too was a planner, i had a 5 year plan, for me, for Lane, Lindsay had her 5 year plan too.

Now i cant even plan a coffee out, or a meal. 

I am very good at avoiding anything that reminds me of Lane, i am sure she just wants me to address the avoidance, before i avoid EVERYTHING and stay at home.

I have such a hard time of thinking ahead to a life, a month, a week, without Lane. 

I miss him sooo much.

So yes for me, this day is enough.

 

Wanda, I just live in my own little world, still.  Some days I can smile and other days I wish the end of the world would come soon.  I just miss being with my girl, Cara.  The life of a grieving parent

 

Those are true words, someday i just want the end to come. Missing Lane is so overwhelming.

 

Wanda, yes...one day at a time is for the  most part all that we can manage at the beginning. Eventually you will start to find that happiness will creep into your life again in little ways. It will come with patience and faith. This is a hard process to get through.

 

Thank you Kate, i am not so sure sometimes, being happy again seems so far away,

but  for my Lindsay, i try  i try i try. Without her, i would not be here. She is amazing, and has been my strength when i had none.

 

Wishing you all peace. 

 

Wanda

 

 

 

[ericasmom]

Wanda, I have seen every way there might be to survive that first year, and I guess my thought is we get through it the way we do...no one way, no wrong way, no good way, just a way, our way. In my first year, I talked about Erica and to Erica each day, still do. I have a belief system that feeds my spirit and so I felt and still do feel that Eri is better than good but I missed her like we all miss our Dear Children: beyond words, beyond what we ever knew pain to be. I have often said that we have to learn to walk and breathe again in that first year. Expectations beyond these are not fair. I do understand your therapist wanting you to begin to look toward the weeks ahead, it will be a new process and we know that all processes take time, many steps, many missteps too. We fall, we lose ground, all of this normal in the new life we find ourselves in. I think that I always felt Erica as a cheerleader, trying to bolster me in each day. And so I found my biggest strength in the Girl that I grieved/grieve. She is rooting for me, for her Family and friends and I firmly believe that I do stand where she no longer can and try to shine a light, her light that she radiates on the people she loves most, on issues that are important to me and to humankind, on small moments that she would love to wallow in...

 

I do not like to plan too far ahead either, a few weeks, a month at the most as I just feel that more than that is not necessary in this new life.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I too was a planner, i had a 5 year plan, for me, for Lane, Lindsay had her 5 year plan too.

Now i cant even plan a coffee out, or a meal. 

I am very good at avoiding anything that reminds me of Lane, i am sure she just wants me to address the avoidance, before i avoid EVERYTHING and stay at home.

I have such a hard time of thinking ahead to a life, a month, a week, without Lane. 

I miss him sooo much.

So yes for me, this day is enough.

I was very much the same as I read in your quote above...so many plans, I had a very detailed job...

now just to make a meal and get through the day with a few odds and ends is the "plan"

I have PTSD as well...have for most of my life...(started after I was 25) so for me I have to be careful of too many "triggers" or my system gets overwhelmed physically...

It has seemed to help to get out of my immediate area -- so not everything is a memory "screaming" at me..."I used to do this with Jesse, I used to do that with Jesse" and so forth...

No, not many people want to really know what this path is like...and I am not the type to paste a smile on my face for someone else either...for me, those people who are meant to be in my life will come...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dee, I agree with your thoughts...is how I approach it too...

[Mermaid Tears]

Wanda...so many on this site will relate to where you are now on the grief journey....

we really don't travel on this journey...

we exist...we learn to exist...there is no map...or compass....

I did not seek out a therapist...I did have instincts...my first really felt instinct was to 'cocoon'....

and I own my business...a small apartment complex...I do all the managing...renting...I even do the make-ready jobs..(that is a term used to what you do when a tenant moves out...the cleaning/painting/repair/restore...I do hire a professional carpet cleaner).....my husband is my partner...my Handy Man...I am blessed in that he can do many things...I do have my Plumbing/Electrical/Air Conditioning Companies that I use....

with that said....

I could not just 'drop out' of my business....I have the best tenants in Brenham...I care 'for them' in the sense that I would never drop the ball...I do collect rents every month....but I had a Mission Statement when I bought them...'I wanted to provide the nicest and best place for people to rent that did not 'want' or 'did not want to buy' or 'could not afford to buy' a house...I have a belief that if it is all 'about money'...you will never be successful..

so....I dropped out of the 'social' and community events and organizations...and I even dropped gatherings..get-togethers..

and I was having a hard time doing that....

I found this site....and it was Dee that 'gave me my permission' so to speak...

She told me I was doing the right thing for myself....and many on this site let me know it was for 'self preservation' and 'self care' when I was 'cocooning'....

my instincts were right all along....my instincts were protecting me....

sometimes I look around and see all that I have dropped...and it amazes me...but I have not one regret...

I am 'still' cocooning....

I think it is normal...very normal....not to be able to plan on going for coffee...for now....you are protecting yourself..

you are healing...for your heart has been shattered...

that is the way I see myself...my heart is shattered at my feet....as I heal....I will be picking up those precious pieces and I will fashion a beautiful mosaic of my heart...it won't be the same heart...but it will be radiant in it's broken and mended pieces....and John David will be a part of each piece with Grace, Mercy and Love.

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

"Lonesome Dove"  in my back yard....

John David's all time very favorite book and movie....

how he loved Gus....

 

I always thought he was born too late....

he should have been born in another time...maybe around when my Grampa was born...1900....

[tobyfreefoot]

susan maybe some day we can get a group from the south together. is there someone else from texas? i'm in oklahoma.  there was a woman named maddy that is in texas, we are now facebook friends. i know i can't afford to travel as far as chicago but would gladly meet up a state or two over.

 

[mikesmomrs]

Susan (and all):  Here are some pictures from our gathering in Minnesota in 2009...August.

The first is one of all of us by a tree out behind the hotel, on a walkway there.  Dee's husband, John, took the picture.  At the end of the weekend, Marcia presented us all with copies of this picture, in a frame that has written on the top:  "We will be an encouragement to each other."  Romans 15:32  How appropriate.

The 2nd through 5th pictures are of the boards we made, using pictures sent to us by members of BI who wanted their child represented, but couldn't be there themselves.  We all gathered together in Marcia's room, all day, into the night, cutting, pasting, talking, laughing, crying...sharing.  Drinking chocolate flavored wine (yes, it was a new one on me!) among other liquids.. .when we got them all assembled, Colleen I think it was, had brought lights to insert on the boards to light them up.  We then each took turns reading some of the names of each child, saying their name, their date of birth, etc.   I think it was Trudi who took the movie of it, having gone to the store to purchase a camera just for that. 

The two last pictures are of the heart that we noticed on the tree, after the group picture was taken, as well as the butterfly that was on the tree to the left of us. 

It was indeed a wonderful three days for all of us...upon meeting, it was as if we'd known each other all our lives. Upon leaving there, we took with us something we would remember for the rest of our lives.   

[mikesmomrs]

Just to let you all know, Kimberly is still here with me.  She is having some problems with the healing, and doesn't want to travel until it is more stable.  She saw the doctor on Thursday, but it has gotten a little worse since then, so she may have a trip to the ER this weekend if it keeps going that way.  She is feeling okay, but is now having pain return in waves with this problem with the wound.  Thank you all so much for your prayers and good thoughts. She misses her girls so much, and of course, they do miss her, but they do talk on the phone.  They are busy finishing up the school year, and Bekah (17) has just finished a round of exams for her advanced placement classes and did very well.  Rachel (13) recently received "Student of the Year" award from William and Mary College, where she did an educational camp last summer and will be returning this summer. So, they are both keeping busy.  I've attached my latest picture of Damon (Mike's youngest, 9)....his mom works at the hospital and had his name embroidered onto the shirt.

 My heart, as always, is with you all; my prayers, as always, include you all, and my love, as always extends to you all. 

    

[Mermaid Tears]

Carol....I needed to see something 'sweet' this morning....what a handsome young man...your Damon....does he live close to you ? I so wish I could gather up all my family...and they live close by like it was when I was growing up....back then...people tended to live close to family...and GRANDkids would grow up knowing their grandparents...aunts and uncles and cousins were a part of every day life...instead of just a summer visit or a holiday visit....

   Gee....I do hope your girl can turn a corner in her healing....but it is a day to day recovery....and she did have major surgery....am sure the patient doesn't have much patience...for she wants to go home and be with her girls...the good news is that the girls are thriving and keeping up with their above average school work....they don't want to let Mama down....when school is out will they be coming to see you ?

 

Thank you so much for sharing the Gathering....I can only imagine how emotional that get together was....for each of you already 'knew' each other before meeting in person...and the common bond of grief is a tie that binds....it is not a tie we want for each other.....but with this journey I have discovered....that this kind of grief cannot be learned until you lose a child.

     Holding each other together...and holding each other up.....a rare kind of friendship circle.

I do like the boards....and that you shined that light for the parents that could not be there....was another special gift created by the group....knowing how important it was for the parents ...to have their child presented. That their child was remembered.

 

Gretchen....I think you and I are the only 'Southern Sisters'....there was a Mom named Dell from Texas....and her son and John David passed on the same day and year....but I have not seen her on this site in a long, long time...

    I just want you to know that your story of the little metal stars has stayed with me....many have shared 'stories' that stay with me....I don't know why.....I guess when you lose a child the 'little' and the 'sweet' small things shared are really the big things...and it takes one to understand one....

[shorty16]

Carol,

I have my picture of the Minnesota 6 on my mantel. I see it everyday.

That picture reminds me of the peace I had when I first met you guys.

It was like I had known you all my life.

The BEAST drove us around. We still have that truck.

Thanks for sharing that special time.

I really wish we could do it again.

Colleen

[Jeff's Mom]

Carol, so sorry to see that Kim is still struggling with health issues. I know that she is in the best of hands being attended too by her doting mom. Prayers for better days ahead for her. Also, thanks for sharing those wonderful pictures and the story behind your meeting a few years back. The picture of Damon is so cute. But don't tell him that! He is a really good looking young man.

Gretchen...I was wondering how your co-worker is doing. The man that was in the fire.

I am just quickly stopping in to say that I know it is your memorial day weekend. I hope that everyone will be able to enjoy the few days and have an opportunity to get out and enjoy the festivities.

We have an amazingly brilliant day today. Sunny and a high of 30C. (86F) I purchased a Japanese Maple tree the other day to replace the spruce tree that the dreaded pileated woodpecker did his number on. The leaves are a stunning colour of fiery reddish orange. If I see that bird he is definitely going to meet his demise if he comes near it. Have a decent day everyone. Kate

p.s. thanks again to everyone for sharing photos and stories.

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate...I had a Japanese Maple in the back yard....it died...but it is one of the prettiest trees ever....love the Dogwood and Magnolia's, too....

 

Yes...this is our Memorial week-end....I seem to be more emotional this year...

 

I am going to work in my back yard today....let Mother Nature take care of me...my eyes are better but still very red/swollen...anyway...they are a good excuse not to 'go anywhere'....

 

Becky....did you have your blood work done...? Just want you to know we are thinking of you...

 

Debbie....wondering where you and the big rig are today....I hope if you have got any info...it is positive for you....

[Mermaid Tears]

[mikesmomrs]

KATE:  Thank you for your continued prayers for Kim.  I am so glad that you are having a good day today, weatherwise.  It has been rainy and cold her for what seems like days and days (pretty much all of this past week)  Still raining and cool today, but supposed to see some sun tomorrow.  I hope so...all of my plants are huddled together on my porch, waiting to be put into the ground.  I've planted a few, but then the weather turned.  I am glad that you enjoyed the pictures.  And, yes, Damon is a good-looking lad, but most importantly, he is such a sweet boy that it just warms my heart to be with him. 

SUSAN:  So glad you enjoyed the pictures, too.  Yes, it was indeed a wonderful get together, and while sad that it was such heartbreak that brought us together, it was, like all here now, a good place for us (and our angels) to be in our need and sorrow.  We celebrated our children's lives together by remembering. 

COLLEEN: I have the picture here on my desk, by my computer.  Peace emanates from it, for sure.  Oh, yes, the beautiful BEAST.  I forgot to mention that...Colleen drove to the meeting, and she drove her beast of a car (I think it was a suburban, if I remember right) so that we would all be able to travel around together.  She knew how nervous I was about flying and figured that at least I wouldn't have to be traveling in a cab to go out if we went anywhere.  She was "taking care of me" even before we met face to face!  We didn't go out a lot...a relatively short trip to the mall and one to a shop that had special items, like crystals, some books and the like. The sign hanging outside was the "Eye of Horus" symbol, the ancient Greek sign of protection, and I think "The Eye of Horus"  was the name of the shop..  Marcia and her Bethany had a special link with that and it meant a lot to her to go there, so we all went.  They also had a labyrinth (sp?) there that we all wanted to walk.  It turned out to be a very small one, both the shop and the labyrinth, but we all really enjoyed that trip...a few of us found a special item or two to pick up and it was a nice outing.  I think that was when we got that chocolate-flavored wine, on the way back to the hotel.  LOL

[tobyfreefoot]

kate they won't give us any reports.  as far as i know from asking relative, he will need skin grafts and has had four surgeries so far on his ankle/leg.  whenever we have a really bad accident they won't discuss it as they violate all kinds of safety laws.

[ericasmom]

Carol, prayers for Kim to take a turn for the better and then the Best and be fully healed. I know being with you has got to feel comforting, nurtured by her Momma.

 

I have my Minnesota 6 photo here in my office at home. It sits on my book shelf alongside some important artifacts. Our trip was amazing and yes carol, the labrynth while tiny, and so tiny it made us laugh and laugh, but we walked the labrynth in order to receive the peace intended for all visitors. It was  lovely store, I have a photo somewhere and I will look for it. I loved Colleen's beast car, it held us all so well. I was the odd man out who brought a husband, so most the time he went off to read and I hung with the lovely women. We were supposed to go out to dinner with the folks that run the site, but it was raining and we wanted to just stay put so they bought us dinner there in the dining room. They asked us questions to help them determine how the site was being used. I remember the wine Carol, thought I would hate even tasting it but as it turned out, I enjoyed it.

[daveydow1]

Dee---Those are wonderful memories for all of you who attended 

the get-together in Minneapolis.  Seems so long ago.  Wasn't there

another meeting planned, but never came about ?  I loved when

Bonnie...(mom of Jason ?)  organized the  Pinnacle Days memorial

celebration and some people from BI made banners to be displayed

at the event. I made one for Dave and Lisa, and I still have it.....

Bonnie was so gracious to send it back to me, as I said I'd never

make another one. Your photos of the Minneapolis get-together,

and all your memories will live on for all who were able to attend.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hello to all. I had one of those perfect days. Everything in perfect timing and going along as it should be. The day was truly beautiful. A glorious breeze that brought a refreshing energy to my efforts in the garden. Finally I am happy to report that there are signs everywhere of bursts of new life. Nature has not disappointed after these long winter months.

Today was a really good day. Ross planted the maple tree...and we are hopeful that it will survive to give us "all" many years of enjoyment as we watch the leaves change to their glorious red tones. I headed over to a local greenhouse to pick up some things that I had purchased recently. The place was packed and everyone was anxiously browsing the latest new plants. I stood there and just drank in the aroma and ambiance. Food for my soul.

Carol and Kim...sending huge "Hugs" to you both. I do know how difficult this time has been. Kim...you are a trooper. And you have an incredible Mom. I hope that you will soon be back home with your kids. A good chance to spend time with mom however. Hang in there kiddo. You are going to be OK.

Susan...I hope that the tree will do ok. We shall see. It was worth the chance. I do understand that they are subject to several blights. How is your eye?

Gretchen...I understand the circumstances. Poor guy. Anyway, he was in my thoughts this last while and am sending prayers for his speedy recovery.

Sandy, enjoy.

Laurie, thinking of you.

Lora, how did it go today?

Well off to watch Father Brown a PBS program. Love to all. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Sherry....thank you so much for 'staying' on this site....you..Dee...Kate...Colleen....(many more..please forgive if I left out a name...you know who you are).....

    for those of us who come here....looking for just a sliver of understanding...a sliver of compassion....a sliver of someone who may know what we are thinking...experiencing...feeling....

    I think you all knew....how you were at the beginning of this journey....

and so....you stayed on....to help us...to let us know...you survived...

in the tears...helpless...hopeless pit...

   and that we were not crazy....we were just grieving and in deep mourning...

[Jeff's Mom]

Oh Susan, you are not crazed. Quite the opposite. You have experienced the worst thing that any parent could ever imagine. We are walking on hot coals at the beginning. The pain is so intense. Listen to me...I am not an authority...but having survived four years... I will tell you this. At the beginning...I read what was written here. I put it aside... as nobody... not even these people... could understand my pain... or so I felt at the time. I was a mess. I was afloat on an island. Isolated. Then slowly...oh so slowly...it started to change. I began to surface for air. The will to continue was strong and kept pulling at me. We all do follow a sort of course in this grief process. It is not set in stone as we are all different. But there are stages that we follow along this road.You will get through this. You will not be leaving your child behind. You will survive this and again find a new you. When I am overwhelmed I just take one day at a time. I hold strong to my faith in the certain knowledge that this separation from Jeff is temporary. I do know that I will see him again.

Off to watch Father Brown.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I've been here and reading today and thinking of you all. Tough day. I woke up with such a sinking feeling. So many triggers right now. The weather, the sun, the air, everything is so much like that day and I keep going back in my mind, reliving those moments. I deactivated my Facebook account a couple weeks ago. All the graduation posts and Mother/ Daughter things were too much right now. I need to cocoon now. I'm trying to be strong. I spent a lot of time working outside today. It helps. It was a beautiful day but the tears still just keep coming. My throat hurts from choking back the tears.

I skipped my cousin's wedding today. I just couldn't. She's such a sweet person though. Loves Tris so much. I know she understands. When I was pregnant with Tris she was 10. She was so excited she actually went to my ultrasound appointments with me. She was Trista's first babysitter other than my grandparents.

Trista, I love you Beautiful Girl. I miss you so much. Be with me as much as you can right now. I need you, Baby Girl.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Carol, thank you for sharing the pictures...the picture boards were lovely...it sounded like a wonderful time...chocolate wine?? hmm....

 

It is good that your Kim has you to care for her right now....at times "Mommy Care" is the best kind of care...

 

************************

 

Gretchen, sending out healing prayers for the young man who was injured at your work...I have heard burns take a long time to heal...

 

Debbie, how are things with your investigation? Are you doing okay?

 

Cherry, thinking of you today....

 

Wade and Ted, this is a hard day for all. May you find some rest today...

 

Kate, I hope your tree does well...maybe have a garden hose ready to squirt at the woodpecker if he comes near...

 

Sherry, how nice that everyone was represented at that gathering...and receiving the banner for your David and Lisa had to be a extra special touch....

 

Susan, I really thought the first writing from CF said exactly how so many of us view our lives...the before and after...

 

Been in a reflective mood lately....I have been on a deep pilgrimage of sorts regarding my faith and spirituality...events that have happened that inspired me to search in my soul and to reach out beyond the boundaries I held before...there are no easy answers for a journey of this type, it is a discovery and revealing...and the unexpected, the unknown,...then there are the constants, that have remained behind...

 

 

*********************************

 

Lora, Wanda, Mary Ann, Becky, Shannon, Colleen, Dee, and the rest of my BI family, I wish you all a peaceful night...

 

 

 

 

[tobyfreefoot]

shannon i see trista's angel date inching up.  I always find the days before the hardest.  do you have any idea what you are going to do on that day?  we always go to the annual party our family and another family have spent together for years,  (forest wasn't at the last one because he left for his trip and there was a burn ban on anyway. he died in the morning while i was still sleeping)  the next day we gather with spent fireworks and ribbon to decorate his grave.  it makes it so blinged out everyone has to notice which is what i want so everyone can see how much we love him and how special he is to us all.  i know some people don't have any particular plans just take their cues from the day.  either way it is an anniversary i wish we didn't any of us have.  i know this first year is so hard and i'm sorry.

 

i had friends try to convince me to go to my class reunion next month.  i can't imagine something i would rather not do.  i can't imagine (i had a graduating class of about 6-700) having to answer the "how many kids do you have" over and over and having to deal with the reaction.  the people that wanted me to attend were like well...we guess we understand. it didn't even enter my son's head, he was like what? you're  gonna be one of those lame people that doesn't go? when i reminded him most of my friends either won't be attending or are dead. he said yeah there is that and when i mentioned i didn't want to do the update with people he didn't say anything at all.  anyone else think it is overly crazy of me?

[tobyfreefoot]

here is a pic of lyra that allison just sent

 i don't know if i said before, my daughter sweetly named her lyra isabelle after a miscarriage i had when she was about 3 or 4.  i didn't know what sex it was but she and i secretly named her sarah isabelle, her only sister.  madelyn you know is madelyn dayne after forest dayne.  so incredibly sweet of her.

[tobyfreefoot]

boy did i mess this up

[tobyfreefoot]

here is a pic of lyra that allison just sent

 i don't know if i said before, my daughter sweetly named her lyra isabelle after a miscarriage i had when she was about 3 or 4.  i didn't know what sex it was but she and i secretly named her sarah isabelle, her only sister.  madelyn you know is madelyn dayne after forest dayne.  so incredibly sweet of her.

[Mermaid Tears]

Allison seems to share her Mom's heart....what a heart hugger she is....love the names....and the connection she gave in naming them....

   We have a very strong Southern way of naming the children in our family...

and Jesse named our 'new little man' ...Wyatt John....

   that baby girl just exudes 'Sheer Joy'....only children have that spontaneous 'spark'....and their joy is so contagious...even in the midst of doom and gloom....they share their smiles and give us a 'smile from the heart'....love this. She is a cutie-patootie....