Loss of a Father

[cindyinalaska]

Hello everyone,

I found this in the paper a few weeks back and thought I would share it with you. (It was posted from a daughter in memory of her dad).....

We do not need a special day to bring you to our minds. The days we do not think of you are very hard to find.

Each morning when we awake we know that you are gone. And no one knows the heartache as we try to carry on.

Our hearts still ache with sadness and secret tears still flow. What it meant to lose you no one will ever know.

Our thoughts are always with you, your place no one can fill.

In life we loved you dearly; in death we love you still.

There will always be a heartache, and often a silent tear.

But always a precious memory of the days when you were here.

If tears would make a staircase, and heartaches make a lane, we'd walk

the path to heaven and bring you home again.

We hold you close within our hearts, and there you will remain, to walk

with us throughout our lives until we meet again.

Our family chain is broken now, and nothing seems the same, but as god calls

us one by one, the chain will link again.

...Author Unknown

[alex329]

hi candy and cindy ,and all others following my story........so far ia have been to 4 drs.....an er,a hemotologist,a chriopractor,an ob.and today my final stop...the neuraologist.......with all the blood taken and cat scans and xrays.....and a host of all other tests...............they all came up with DEPRESSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! there is nothing wrong with me but too much stress and sadness...........the neurologist said today......when your mind cannot handle any more grief,your body takes over to handle some of it thru physical symtoms.........like all of my back pain and numbness all over..............i cannot believe it ,buti have no choice.........there are no other drs to go to.............im depressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i never knew it could effect someone this way..............its crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have so much pain...its not going away..........but im done going to drs.....theres nothing left to do but heal.............how do i do that????????????? that is my question..........and when does it happen??????????? its scary for a dr to say your depressed........now what do i do?????????????? i already take meds for it and im in counseling........thats all i can do..........just scares me is all....................i wanted a quick fix....like a pinched nerve or something like that..........no luck...........i cannot fix this problem quickly and that bothers me alot...........just wanted to give you an update of my situation..........good news is .......nothing really wrong with me..........but its kinda bad news seeing im still in pain.........inside and out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this death thing has thrown me for a loop and more........i just want to be back to myself again.........................nite all.......tara

[cindyinalaska]

Hi everyone,

I'm so glad to see that the boards are back up and running. I hope everyone is doing well....I missed talking/sharing with you all. Talk to you soon, Cindy

[mofirefly]

Hi all - I didn't realize how much coming on these boards meant to me until they suddently disappeared. I hope they stay up now. Tara - please try and let the frustration you are feeling slip away and realize that at least you don't have a number of things you thought you had, but depression is a serious illness and even tho it's treatable it will take some time. Try to focus on any small thing that happens that makes you feel better and hopefully those moments will start to fill you mind and heart with better feelings so that you will be able to start to learn how to live with the sad as well. Take care!

[alex329]

im with you candy.......didnt realize i needed to be here until it was gone..........i didnt like it at all..........thank you kelly for fixing the problem.............i guess i depend on it to share all my feelings........its a good thing.............so to let ya know im doing ok........it scaredf me to hear the word depression but what elsae can i expect at this point...........i am sad but i really dont feel depressed...........but for me it just may be all physical pain in dealing with his death............but i am healthy say 7 doctors............so i will just try to move on the best that i can and think im doing really good............well today is exactly 6 months i lost my dad...........im doing a little better than when i first started writing on here.......but i wont lie,its been hard for me with having anxiety all my life and then a blow like this brings it all back...........i really do think thats why im suferring so much,the anxiety hit home for me all over again out of nowhere it came back when he died suddenly............i know ill be ok and will have another child ,its just on hold for a few months until i feel a little bit better...........im proud of myself actually........going to work and getting out everyday and joey is out of school now so weve been hanging out and swimming...........just takes some time to back into the groove.......like i said i really do not feel depressed ,im sad of course but i go on..........it must be underlying in my body and i dont realize it.....hence the physical pain.............im glad were back together again........cindy how are you???????????? candy i hope your family is ok tonight...........i missed you all so much...........who knew?????????? i hope that doesnt happen again...............i was worried it wouldnt be back on ever.............goodnight all.............tara

[Guest Guest]

I loss my father to lung cancer on father's day and I buried him last friday. I still can't believe he's gone. I have dreamed of him every night. I want the hurt to stop its to much.

[alex329]

dear guest ,im sorry about your dad........believe me i know this pain your are feeling......im at 6 months and its not gone yet!!!!!!!!!!!! it scares me so much.......when does it go away.......probably not ever but i do want it to get easier and soon!!!!!!!!!!!!! 9 doctors have said im healthy but i feel the worst i have ever felt in my life!!!!!!whats going on with me?????????? im freaking out......i do not feel depressed unless i dont know what it feels like.......im just sick all the time and am in pain.......physically.......all tests come back ok........im at a loss and i hate this feeling.........i will keep in touch with you all.........nite tara

[mariposa]

So I made it through Fathers Day and my birthday (both on the 17th) That day was so very hard! It was the first fathers day and birthday without my dad. I wish you all peace and healing hearts.

[mofirefly]

Tara - I want to let you know that there is such a thing called "walking depression" - heard about in on tv and looked up some info on it. It's similar to walking pneumonia - you have the disease but you are functioning....so perhaps that is where you are at...able to function and sometimes even be happy, but still very depressed inside. Try not to fight the feelings - find ways that you can relax your muscles and free you mind so that your spirit inside can start to heal. I thought I knew a lot about depression but there is so much more to learn and let's face it, losing a loved one is a darn good reason to be depressed. Hope you are having a better day - Oh - I tried to email you (from your profile) when the boards went down, but it didn't go thru, not sure if I copied it right. The boards being here has been kinda like a life preserver for me that kinda hangs on the wall ready for use when I feel like I'm sinking. Take Care!

[alex329]

hi candy........if the boards ever go down again.........its ....wignot115@yahoo.com...........i also felt alone without the boards...........so please write me if that happens again.........i really do not feel depressed,just sad without my dad like everyone else here...........i just think its my anxiety kicking in overdrive!!!!!!!!! ill just take one day at a time and hang on tight...........im healthy but i feel terrible,,,,,,just stress ..............thanks for checking on me and writing back to me.......i look forward to your emails..............nite all.....tara

[cindyinalaska]

Hi Tara,

I wanted to check in with you to see how you are doing. I hope you are feeling better!! I've been doing ok....just trying to keep busy this summer. Right now I'm getting ready to go on vacation. I've been trying to get my house ready since we are having a house sitter stay here while we are gone. This will be the first vacation that we are going on that doesn't involve visiting family. Normally, we would be heading down to Oregon to visit my dad...I just can't go down there this year. I guess I'm just not ready to go down there knowing that he won't be there. It will be seven months on the 13th since he died...I still can't seem to wrap my mind around it. My Aunt is having a family reunion in August...it makes me soooo mad!!! My dad tried so hard to get his family together...and they always made excuses why they couldn't go...and now they are going to have a reunion without him!!! He was always the one who planned the barbeques, parties and reunions (which were always so much fun!!)...and his brothers and their families never appreciated it and almost always one or two of them would cancel or not show up. My sister was also very upset about it and told my aunt that it was too soon for her to go to a reunion without our dad being there. Why can't they just wait a year to have a reunion??? None of them seem to think about our feelings...I mean our dad just died...and they are thinking "lets have a party!!" WHAT!!! I just can't help being angry about it!!!

Well I've got to go....Its supposed to be 82* today and I need to mow the lawn. I hope your feeling better...talk to you soon, Cindy

[mofirefly]

To the guest who lost their father on father's day - I want to express my sympathy to you - that day is hard enough to endure without a dad, let alone have it be the day of loss. Your heart must certainly be broken. The pain of loss does seem to become a little less harsh at times - but it takes time, and there is no guideline for how much time as each of us walks this path of loss at our own speed. I imagine it as having a severe wound - that's been wrapped up in gauze - that allows brieft moments of less pain - until the bandage needs to be redone - and the wound tho healing is once again so very visable and painful. I loss my dad Feb 01 to an illness that had sorta taken him away two years earlier...so my journey without a dad has been much longer than yours, yet I still come to the boards as this is a wonderful place to let go of some of the pain for there are many others here waiting to help if they can. Please take care.

[alex329]

hi candy and cindy.........thanks for checking on me.........i dont feel good...what else is new............im goinmg to a grief counselor on july 11th and hopefully that can help me in some way.........im physically sick all the time!!!!! its stress,they say...........im just hoping for some good days here and there and im trying to keep busy and get my mind on other things.........the more i dwell the worse i feel..........so i obviously do not handle death to well............god help if something happens to my mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i will need to be committed!!!!!!!!!!!! so one day at a time for me............ill keep you all posted and hope all is well with all of you ,,,,,,,,,its so very hard to lose a parent...i had no idea...........please newcomers...keep writing it does help in this joyrney of grief..................we will be here for each other..........take care candy and cindy!!!!! my buddies..............nite tara

[cindyinalaska]

Hi,

Guest who's father died on Fathers Day,

I am so sorry that your dad died. I know how hard this is for you and I just wanted to let you know that I am truly sorry for your loss. Please keep coming here to these boards...it is a way to share your pain and your grief with people who really do understand what you are going through. I hope that you are doing ok today...you are in my thoughts and prayers, Take care, Cindy

Mariposa,

I'm glad that you made it through your birthday and fathers day....both days were very difficult for me as well. I just couldn't even get into celebrating my birthday...I was waiting all day for my dad to call...which of course he couldn't. It was just a very sad day. Take care, Cindy

[cindyinalaska]

Hi again,

I forgot to say that I am leaving for vacation today!!! Hawaii here I come!!! I'll talk to you all in a few weeks. Take care, Cindy

Tara, I'll email you while I'm on vacation (I think the hotel has internet)...Take care, and let me know how you are doing. Talk to you soon, Cindy

[Guest Guest]

Hello,

I lost my father 2 weeks ago after a 6 month long battle with pancreatic cancer. Today was a terrible day for me. I was deleting old voice mails and I had one from him and the rest of the day I just wanted to cry. I am unfortunately not getting much support from friends and my husband is away on business and I'm just getting so overwhelmed. I know that all of you can relate to me right now and that is very comforting. Hope you are all doing alright.

[alex329]

dear guest, we all can relate ............i also has a voicemail i listen to over and over of my dad....................i love to hear his voice....sad but good...........i dont want to forget his voice..............please keep coming here its a good outlet ........im on 6 months and still having a very difficult time with this...........on meds and in grief counseling..............it helps.........and i like it here because we all feel the same way.............it cant hurt..........being depressed is all part of this process the docotrs tell me............it feels yucky but we have to get thru it................im a mess but i still keep going and trying to do my everyday routine as hard as it is for me..................and it is hard!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hope i have helped in some way...................nite all tara

[mofirefly]

Tara - Hoping that the counseling will be of tremendous help to you and maybe you can share some of the info you get with those of us here...and you are NOT a mess - you are doing the best you can and that's all you can ask of yourself!

To the guest who mentioned the voicemail - I was just wondering if you were able to keep it or not. I remember how hard it was to come across things that I wanted to keep hold of but was unable to. I am fortunate to have both my parents on video from when the celebrated their 50th anniversay. It is a comfort at times to hear their voices.

To Cindy - Know you may not see this, but wanted to let you know how envious I (and perhaps others) will be of you going on vacation - I've heard that word but it seems like forever since I've actually gone on one. Hope you enjoy each and every minute and that it refreshs you as you have been thru so very much.

To all the others who may be reading - I hope is that you are finding your way along this journey and know that there are many caring people here traveling along with you in cyberspace

TAKE CARE ALL!

[lynnny]

Hi everyone-

I can not believe next month is a year my dad will be gone. Time flies but it seems like forever ago. I miss him everyday.

To all the new guests-we do understand how you feel. In fact this is the only place I could come to in the beginning when I had no one else. My friends never spoke about it with me. It was like it did not happen. People become uncomfortable. This site is great and so are the people. I am blessed to have found it.

Mariposa-I am glad you got through fathers/birthday. That must of been really hard. I have not spoken to you in a long time and wanted to say hello.

my biggest problem over these months is dreaming of my dad as being sick and always dying in the dream. when i would wake i would think 'oh it's just a dream' nope....still happens but not as much.

I do also think what were we doing this time last year with dad. He got diagnosed in march 06 and passed in august 06 so most of the thoughts of last year were going to chemo and radiation...I do know he is in a better place.

has anyone read '90 minutes in heaven'? It truly touched me...

thanks to all

[mindy10]

HI LYNNNY. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT THE DREAMS. MY DAD PASSED ON FROM COLON CANCER AND THE LAST 2 1/2 MONTHS OF WATCHING HIM DETERIOATE WAS PURE TOUTURE. TO THIS DAY I STILL HAVE DREAMS OF HIM BEING SICK. HE IS ALWAYS SICK AND THE DREAMS. BUT THE LAST WEEK I HAVE HAD DREAMS THAT HE IS HAPPY IN MY DREAM AND I REALIZE IN THE DREAM THAT HE IS DEAD. BOY I HATE THAT WORD. BUT WHATS FUNNY IS HE IS HAPPY IN THE DREAMS THAT HE IS DEAD SO MAYBE HE HAS PASSED OVER AND IN A BETTER PLACE NOW FREE OF PAIN AND SUFFERING. IM SORRY YOU LOST YOUR DAD TO CANCER IT IS ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS TO WATCH A LOVE ONE DIE OF. I CAN NOT REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES WITH HIM I JUST KEEP GETTING FLASH BACKS OF THOSE TERRIBLE LAST 2 1/2 MONTHS. HOPEFULLY THEY WILL BE REPLACED WITH THE GOOD MEMORIES I HAVE OF HIM THROUGH THE YEARS. I READ PIECES OF THAT BOOK WHILE I WAS AT THE PHARMACY WAITING FOR A PRESCRIPTION I SHOULD BREAK DOWN AND BUY IT BECAUSE IT SEEMS VERY INTERESTING AND GAVE ME PIECE KNOWING MY DAD IS PROBALBY WITH HIS FAMILY AGAIN. MINDY

[nickche]

Lynnny,

Yes I read "90 minutes in Heaven" shortly after my dad died (almost 6 mos ago) and it was a great comfort to me. I passed it on to my mother then my daughter. At first I didn't have any dreams at all. My dad came to me in a dream about a month ago. He was wearing his usual flannel shirt, walked over to me and gave me a great big hug. He didn't say a word. It was so real I woke up crying.

My dad had a massive stroke and suffered for about 3 weeks before he died. I can't imagine watching him suffer for months. That must have been so difficult. I read recently that with time the images of their suffering are replaced with good memories before they were sick. I hope that happens more for you and Mindy too.

Another book I would suggest to read is "Wisdom of Our Fathers" by Tim Russert.

I read it every night before I go to bed and much of what is said about fathers I can relate to my own dad.

Take care,

[lynnny]

Thanks nickche and mindy! It truly does help to know that I am not alone despite the fact that it is for a sad reason.

I am going to take a look at that book. thanks.

my sister and i were just speaking tonight about how we can not believe it has been almost a year and that we just remember him sick for those months. I do pray every night that I will dream happy dreams of him, so hopefully one day. Who knows maybe I do and don't remember. Thanks again for all the support. I am sorry for your losses. Day by day we get alittle better and it helps to know there is this site for all the new/old guests to talk. Have a good night. Lynn

[dollface]

Hi all--my, it's been a while since I've posted here. Daddy's been gone over 4 years now and reading how much pain you are all in--I remember, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I'll tell you all this--as time goes by, when you think of him, you smile instead of cry (however there are still times I just sit and look at his tree in my yard and bawl). You will start to remember the good times, before he was sick. You'll remember the things you did together when you were a child, and the things you did that made him so proud--remember, you could see the pride beeming from his eyes, his shoulders back and chest puffed out as if to say "look at MY CHILD, MY LITTLE GIRL!". That's what keeps me smiling--remembering his smile.

They say that you shouldn't dwell on the day they left us--hard huh? They lived soooooo many other days of their lives. Try to dwell on the best days you had together instead of the absolute worst. I've tried this and it has helped. I think of the 4th of July "display" I would put on as a child for my parents. You know, it wasn't much more than bottle rockets and fountains, but it made my Dad so happy every year. That was one of his favorite holidays. I thought about that this 4th, and it brought me back to that time. It was such a happy time for our family. Yes, it made me kind of sad too, but with time, it's easier to think of those times and be able to turn those tears into a smile.

I think of you all a lot even though I don't post here. I try to keep caught up on the boards while my son is having his breakfast--he looks so much like my Daddy!

Bless you all and feel free to contact me--I've been there.

Tracy

[lynnny]

Thanks Tracy for your positive words. You are right about all the good times and as time goes by I am sure that will be the thoughts most prevelant. Your post made me cry with sadness but also to know that life does go on and it is short. thanks again......

[alex329]

hi all.............i went to my new grief counselor today,she was awesome.............i dont feel so abnormal now.......in fact she said 6-7 months is still very recent in loss...............i may still be in shock but i dont think i am.........who knows........its just such a crazy feeling as you all know............i have good and bad days..........she did say that noone goes backward in grief and only moves forward...........you may get stuck here and there but never go back..........i was glad to hear that!!!! so theres nowhere to go but forward.............it may take time but your always going forward............i loved her and am going back in 2 weeks..........it helped alot to hear that everyone she sees goes thru this.................although i do know that from talking to all of you................we all sound alot alike...........except i have awful physical symtoms...........does anyone feel aches and pains all over like i do?????????????????????????????????????? im sore all the time.............they say its stress................anyone have this body pain????????????????????? let me know...........i feel like im 90 yrs old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hope all is well tonight with my bi friends...............nite tara

[dollface]

lynny:

As I said before, I lost my daddy 4 years ago, after a 7 year fight with painfull cancer. I pray every night that I dream of him--still I have only had one or two. I also pray that I will remember the dreams in the morning. A lot of times, we will dream, but will only remember the ones we were having right before we woke up. I watch and read a lot of Sylvia Browne and this is what she recommends. So try to remember to ask the good Lord to help you recall your dreams in the morning.

tara:

I hope you start feeling better soon. Are you getting up and out, seeing friends and socializing? Sometimes, when we are grieving, we tend to shut people out, stay at home, sit and do nothing. Getting out can do wonders for the soul. I had a place where all my friends went every night after work, but after I lost Daddy, I didn't want to go back---felt as though they would feel awkward towards me and not know what to say, so maybe they just wouldn't talk to me at all. 2 weeks later, I walked in and received tremendous support. It turns out that they just didn't know WHAT to say as they hadn't lost parents so how could they know how to help? I know you don't feel as though you should do anything for yourself right now--anything you may enjoy to much--but maybe you need a day trip to a spa--or just a friend come over and do a spa day together? It's not only the treatments you can get done, or do on your own, but the feeling of taking the next step and doing something that will make you feel good. Just a thought that you may try. Also, be carefull of those meds--I don't know what your on, but, well, just be carefull.

Those of you who have voicemails from your fathers---how very lucky you are! My father was deaf, so phonecalls were not an option. However, I did print out the last e-mail he sent me that told me so many things. But, I have it in the safe, where I only read it if I come across it. I think that helps me not to dwell. At first when I would read it, I would cry like a 2 month old. Now, I still tear up, but I can almost feel him giving me a great big hug and it gives me a sense of relief. Just don't get to caught up in listening to those all the time. Maybe you should save them for special days.

I'm glad I've come back to the boards. I still have bad moments (days have turned into moments now) and sometimes I just need to read the support here.

God Bless--

Tracy

[lynnny]

oh alex, I feel like I am reading my own thoughts when I see your posts. Let me tell you. I too had tremendous stress(which I did not know was causing it) and there were days when I would not be able to walk or stand because of the pain in my lower back. I too did a ton of test and meds. It really does have alot to do with stress. my muscles tense up really bad and my body goes out of wack! who would think stress could do such bad things.....I still have my neck/lower back/leg pains....I do sometimes take a muscle relaxer at night. I went to a pain management doctor and discussed options....Also, it hurts so bad that the only exercise I can do is be in a pool....Other stuff hurts so bad. I have to say that it has been 11 months since my dad passed and I have more good pain free days than bad now...I really wish you well and do understand....take care lynn

[alex329]

hi lynnny, thanks for sharing that with me,i now know im not crazy and making this up!!!!!!!!!!! i know people and family think im nuts but im really in pain.............its awful..........10 doctors later,and nothing..............so i guess im healthy but just stressed out over losing my father.................i hate it!!!!!!!!!!!! and horrible anxiety on top of all this!!!!! i was doing so good with my anxiety and then that happened to me.......and it all came back..........yuk!!!!! im fighting ,,,,,i will not let it take me over again........it did for so many years,i cant let it again..............im trying my best..............my dad wouldnt want me so nervous as he was his whole life,(thats where i got it from) and he hated it so much.............he never traveled,or did to much because of his nervousness............just like me...........it runs in his family...........out of 6 kids im the only one who got it............its an awful way to have to live............im in counseling and am trying to overome it,i am not a strong person so its hard for me................my poor son,,,,,,hes so outgoing and he just flew this past weekend to n.c and he loved it!!!! thank god hes not like me....................anyways im rambling,sorry.....thanks for listening to me....again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nite tara

[Guest Guest]

Hi everyone, I am new. I lost my dad July 10th from a long courageous battle with diabetes and lung cancer which then spread to his brain. We buried him on Friday. Yesterday and today have been the worst. Usually on the weekends I visited him at the hospital (he hasn't been home for 6 months).

I also feel terrible that I left the hospital on Monday night after he was admitted. They told us they would stop his kidney dialysis and would enter into hospice. I stayed most of the afternoon in the emergency room with him and my mom and around 9pm he was into a room. My mom left around 9:30 because she was exhausted I left around 10:30 p.m. I was going to stay the night but figured I'd come back early the next morning and be prepared to sleep their the rest of the week. I rubbed his head, told him I loved him and I'd see him in the morning. He was out of it and sleeping but hopefuly he heard me.

I woke up at 2am and felt like someone had splattered me with water. I feel it was a sign my dad was on his way to heaven. I got a call from my mom around 6:30 a.m. that he died. I am SO sad that he died without us there and was alone. I know I shouldn't beat myself up over it but it really makes me so sad that I wasn't there.

I miss him so much already. I got back to work on Wednesday so maybe that will help ease things. When does this start to get easier? I can't fall asleep at night, perhaps I should ask the doctor for some Ambien. Like I said, yesterday and today it has really hit me.

Thankfully I found this board. Maybe I'll find some peace of mind here. Thanks everyone for letting me share my story.

[nickche]

Dear Guest,

I am so sorry for your loss but I am glad you have found this site as it is a comforting place to come to where others have experienced and are experiencing the same pain as you. It has been almost 6 months since my dad died. It is still difficult to say those words. I miss him terribly.

I understand how you feel bad about not being there when your dad died. I too had left my dad after being by his side most of three weeks. He suffered a massive stroke when he was visiting my brother out of town. My mom and I left on a Saturday to come back home to prepare to move him to a nursing home. I kissed him and told him I would see him in a couple of days. I got a call early Monday from my brother saying he had taken a turn for the worst and was not expected to make it even for us to take the 7 hour trip back up there. He died on Tuesday. I still feel guilt for not staying and being there. My brother was the only one by his side while the rest of the family sat vigil by the phone. It was horrible. A nurse told me that sometimes they wait to let go until their loved ones are not there. I don't know if that is true or not but I do know it would have taken a huge toll on my mother to watch him go. She always hung on to the glimmer of hope that he would recover.

Be gentle with yourself, take care and keep coming here. It helps.

[lynnny]

Dear Guest,

I am so sorry for you loss and also glad you found this site. It took me a few months to find this site and I don't know what I did without it.

I just think how new everything is for you and hope you know that you can come her for all the support you need. I lost my dad 11 months ago to lung cancer and truly the one thing my sister and I regret is not being there that night in the hospital with him. It does take time and just lessens but I still think about it.

You will find comfort in talking about him and how he is in a better place. Even though it is really hard right now. I experienced that my friends avoided conversations about my dad. I just spoke to a co-worker on friday about my dad and teared up. It really still does not feel real.

I wish you comfort and please keep coming here because we all know what you are going through. This site still helps me so much.

[Guest Guest]

I hope someone can help. I lost my father on June 30th. He died suddenly in his sleep of a heart attack. I got the call at 2 am from the police who were escorting my mother to the hospital. My dad was only 54 and was an incredible man. He was so good to everyone and the love of my Mothers life. He was also my daughter who is 5 years old best friend. They did EVERYTHING together!!!!! He would spend hours playing barbie dolls with her and always wanted to be with her. I have 4 brothers who do not live near by so I feel the weight on my shoulders to take care of my mom. It has been 15 days and I just feel so helpless. She hates to leave her house and refuses to come live with me and my family. I am getting very frustrated and feel like I have not had the time to grieve myself because I am too worried about my mom and being strong for her. Tonight I made her upset and I truly think it is because I am just so angry.

[alex329]

hi all........i dont know where to start....so many new people here........first of all i went to a bereavement session the other day and this woman had worked for hospice and she told me that the people wait until their loved ones leave to pass on.........she had seen it over and over again,and the loved ones were so upset but it was the dying person who had wanted it that way ,for you not to see them go............i left my dad while he was still on his breathing machine(after a sudden brain anurism) i couldnt handle seeing his last breath as did most of my family..........i just knew i couldnt handle it...so i said my good-bye before that happened...........and im ok with that.........my dad was only 68 and a great man who loved life and kids...........he was my sons best friend since he could walk!!!! joey is now 10 1/2 ....my dad died almost 7 months ago and im a total mess........joey seems ok.....we talk about my father alllllll the time and kiss his pic goodnight.................its very hard but i have had alot of support from this site and i hope you will all return and chat with us whenever you need to vent............it helps and there are so many great people here to talk to .......i may not be the best support for you since i am having such a hard time myself......but i will help if i can.........for me , i really do think its beacuse it was sudden.........the counselor said when its sudden death it can take twice as long to grieve for that person........i didnt like to hear that but it makes sense.............im all freaked out and my body is out of whack...........emotional and physical symtoms keep happening to me...........its so crazy.............i never knew it could do this to a person.................i know im not crazy but sometimes i feel like i am......................hope your all well tonight................nite tara

[mofirefly]

To the guest who lost her dad June 30th - I can only imagine how much pain you are in. The fact that you upset your mom because you were angry if probably something quite of few others of us have also done. And you are right in that you can't go thru your own grief right now because of trying so hard to be there for your mom. It's a messy situation and you are just now having to deal with so very much that will happen on this long journey you have started. I hope you will come here to these boards whenever you need someone to hear you pound out your pain on the keyboard. Take care!

[mofirefly]

Tara - I haven't been able to get on the boards much at all these days but I do hope you will find some peace by going to the bereavement sessions - and as I've mentioned in the past - any info you get there, please pass on to those of us who are unable to go to such a place. Much as you may not have wanted to hear it, sudden deaths do bring on there own issues and it hasn't been studied much that I can tell and although many here who have lost a loved one after an illness probably know, once death comes and takes your loved one it still seems way to sudden....but there is a difference, as I lost my dad to an illness and my mom in a car accident, and the shock of the sudden death leaves you in a completely different place. Hoping you will start feeling better more often that you feel the aches and pains. Think of you and so many others often, but like I mentioned, I have way to much happening here close to home that keeps me from posting or for that matter even getting to read posts as much as I did in the past.

EVERYONE HERE - PLEASE REMEMBER TO BREATHE AND TAKE CARE!

[alex329]

thanks candy!!!!!!!!!! i really hope you and your husband are ok tonight........i know that must be so hard for you..........i honestly dont know how you do it.........you are a very strong person.......as i am not......i wish i was........i wouldnt be going thru all of this mess..........im really trying but its so hard...........come back on whenever you can....we like to hear from you.......god bless to all of you ........nite tara

[mofirefly]

Tara - You are too STRONG!!!! You have been dealt a rotten hand and you are handling it the very best you can. Please try to be easier on yourself ok.

My husband is doing ok, what's on my plate right now is that one dear friend who lives an hour away just had brest cancer surgery and I'm trying to help out there but even more important is my high school friend who just had cancer surgery in May has now lost her husband (to an aneruisum, like your dad) but this friend is 2000 miles away so I'm on the phone quite often to her trying to give as much support as possible...it kinda drains my emotional reserve and when I come on the boards my heart just aches to reach out but I'm too depleted to be of help. I only hope that I'll be able to come back sometime soon and offer a small helping hand of cyberspace support to others as these boards have helped me so very much on my own journey. You just plain take care of yourself, your son and husband and try to mend. Take care!

[ownedby3]

It has been a week yesterday. Where does the time go? I am trying my hardest to put the guilt behind me of me not staying and not being there when he died. A friend of mine said something that really made me think and that is that my dad protected me from harm all my life and he wanted to protect us in death too. I am trying to repeat that over and over. I also remind myself he's not sick and suffering anymore. He was sick for 10 years and went through hell the last 6 months.

It is SO strange being at my mom's and not going to visit him at the hospital or nursing home. So I've visted him each day at the cemetary and told him I miss him and love him. I have tried to tell myself that he's all around me even though he's not here physically.

I dread getting engaged and married, who will walk me down the aisle? Who will dance the father/daughter dance? Will I have one or not? How will I have him at my wedding though not physically, how can I memorialize him? I thought about putting a table in the reception with both pictures of our dad's and then put 2 candles lit and 2 corsages that they would have worn had they both been alive. I also want to memorialize them at church too. Since both our dad's have died, now our kids will have no Pop Pop's. I dread having children, he won't be here to meet them. All of these things make me cry.

Denise

[mindy10]

Denise all the things your feeling are natural. I myself was not there when my father passed on and I do not regret it. I was there a few days before and said my goodbyes then. He was dying of cancer for 2 1/2 months. When my mom called to say he was passing on that day I could not bring myself to go sit with him and watch him take his last breath. I know my dad would not of wanted me to be there because he knew I couldnt handle it. I thought I would regret it but I dont. Thats a good idea to have their picture and flowers by them. My husbands niece did that for her mom. I know its hard. My dad has been gone a year and I still miss him so much and I know I always will. Life will never be the same without him but I do beleive it will get easier. I have my good days and then there are days I think of him and just start bawling my eyes out. I still have the awful memories of him dying for 2 1/2 months I hope those subside and are replaced with happy ones. Take care. Mindy

[cindyinalaska]

Hello Everyone,

I am back from our vacation in Hawaii. We had a great time there...the weather was wonderful!! I felt guilty about having a good time when my mom was back in Oregon by herself. I wish she could have come with us, but she has their flagging business to run on her own now.

Every where I went all I could think about is how much my dad would have enjoyed going on this trip. We always talked about meeting up somewhere for a "dream" vacation. We talked about going to Disneyland or on a cruise someplace wonderful. I always thought we would have time. That is the hardest thing to accept...we will never be able to do that.

While I was in Hawaii, we went on a tour of Honolulu. The tour guide remimded me so much of my dad. He was just goofy(in a good way)...having a great time visiting with all of us tourists. He was just a happy guy...young at heart...skipping around and talking to the kids. I kept thinking to myself that this man was like a twin of my dad (not in looks, but in personality), when my husband leaned over and said "he's just like your dad, man I miss him!" I just started crying...it's strange how you can feel so alone with a bus full of people. It's such an overwhelming and painful feeling...I just miss him so much!!! I suppose I should get to bed now...I've only had a few hours of sleep last night. Take care, Cindy

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

ownedby3

HI Denise

I haven't been on the boards for a while.

I got married on May 5th, I lost my Daddy on 10th August last year.

I was dreading my wedding Day, I wasn't sure how I would cope.

I went to his grave the day before the wedding and I put his DAD cufflinks and a letter I had written to him about how I felt about him not being able to walk his little girl down the aisle, I sat by his grave and cried, I told him that I would do him proud and try to enjoy our wedding day. I really feel this helped me.

I had a special candle made which was lit through the whole ceremony and the evening reception next to our wedding cake.

The priest also wrote a special prayer about my Dad, and we had a photo of me and Dad on the back of the order of service.

At the end of our wedding dvd we have a photo of me and Dad too.

My little brother walked me down the aisle, which was really tough for him.

My now husband changed his name by deed poll, so we kept both our surnames in honour of my Dad.

I managed to get through the day and enjoy it.

Its been 11 months now and I still have bad days, yesterday was a really bad day.

I have also set up a website for family and friends to visit.

If you put memory of alan muchmore in google it will come up with the site.

I understand your fears, my Dad would have been such a great Grandad and his Grandchildren will never get to be loved like I was by such a special man

Take care

alwaysdaddysgirl

Michelle

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[missustoad]

I was just beginning to post on another part of the boards. My dad finally got his wish and was brought home yesterday afternoon with the help of hospice, a truly wonderful organization. My mom told me not to come up to their farm, but I felt I had to. My dad was barely able to breathe, seated in his chair, and we didn't move him to his bed, just moved the chair back and his legs up to make him comfortable. A few neighbors stopped by. Each time, he opened his eyes and briefly said hello. He asked me for a cold cloth for his head, and I massaged his legs and arms. I went to bed and my mom slept in the livingroom where the hospice bed was set up. At 1:00 AM she woke me up with the exact words I had dreamed she would say (I'd had this dream over and over): "Mel -- I think Dad just died - I can't wake him up." She kept speaking to him over and over, but he was gone. She called my brother and his wife who live just down the road and they immediately came up. The hospice nurse lived some distance (we were in the country) but arrived about 40 minutes later. My dad had saved up his tiny bit of strength to make it home to die in the house he had come to be adopted in so many years ago in the 1920s. I am devastated. I know he was suffering and it was for the best, I know he was very old, but I miss him so. I am glad I was there to be with him at the end. I was afraid I would be too afraid to be with a dead body, but I just kept talking to his spirit, which was probably still in the room. I had talked to him about what I'd read about Buddhist stages of death and dying, and how similar their monks experiences of the white light was to current science. He was clear and lucid (for the most part) to the end, just very uncomfortable. He said he wished he could find the off button. I guess he found it.

All our neighbors said he was the finest person they'd ever known. I jokingly said it's like having Gandhi as your father. You can never live up to it.

I would like to hear from any of you who have been through this pain right after your parent died.

God bless,

Melody

[ownedby3]

I am right there with you. My dad passed away last Tuesday and the pain is horrible at times. Yet other times I hear and can feel him with me. Unfortunately, my dad was in the hospital and we were told he would enter into hospice. We didn't stay the night, he died that night. I have not yet forgiven myself for leaving him. It breaks my heart that he was alone. My only solice is that I said goodbye, I loved you, and I'll see you in the morning. I should have realized when my mom saw a tear run down his cheek that night in the ER that he knew it was time to go.

I've cried every day since. I went back to work and cried there. I miss him terribly. I talk to him a lot and hopefully he can hear me and is watching over me. Life is just not the same and I don't think will ever be the same.

He called me his pride and joy and I think it actually was the other way around.

[solemate]

Melody, you Dad would have been listening and been so proud of you. I too know that pain, however mine was different in that I was told by the police that my father (and mother) were in a car accident and that Dad died at the scene and Mum was on life support (this was turned off several hrs later) I couldnt accept that Dad was gone unless I saw him. I asked the funeral parlor for a viewing and they were very reluctant as Dad had massive injuries. I needed so badly to see him, touch him and say my goodbyes. I did see my Dad and all I saw was my Dad. Yes he was cold to touch but he was definately my Dad. It probably seems morbid to many, but I needed to touch him and know it was him that was there. I found it therapudic and found some peace that he was gone. The pain we feel when we loose our Dads is very real and deep. I am so pleased to see Daddysgirld back on the boards. I am glad the wedding went well, your Dad would have been watching you from the right side of your heart. Take care all

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

Hi all

So sorry I haven't been on the boards for a while, I've had alot going on.

I got through my wedding day without my precious Daddy.

Then my Mum has moved out of the family home ( she lives about 2 doors from my house now) we also moved house when we got back from our honeymoon, the family dog has also been rehomed because my Mum is not well enough to look after him, so we've had alot of changes, things are starting to settle down.

I had a really bad day this week and cried when I got home from work uncontrolably, I feel so lost and lonely, Dad was the only one I would always turn to in times of need, LIKE NOW!!!!!He would always know what to say to make things better, but he's not there, I feel like I have lost so much love and support. Don't get me wrong my Mum has been great, even though she's finding it hard, but I just want my daddy.

My Dad was my best mate, I am a clone of him, looks and personality, I just feel like part of me died when he did. I lay on my bed and cried while holding his t-shirt that I kept, I just wanted him so much, I feel like i'm going backwards.

Maybe its because Its coming up to a year since we lost him on 10th August, I have organised a buffet at my house for family and friends on the 10th in celebration of Dad's life.

Soulmate hope you are well and doing okay?

stansbaby hope you are doing okay? Haven't seen you on the boards for a while

Thinking of everyone and glad we have these boards to talkon

alwaysdaddysgirl

Michelle

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[ownedby3]

I am also happy to read about Michelle's wedding. Right now I dread that day and also will have to remind myself my dad would want me to have a happy day. My brother and I are not close at all so I think I'd have my mom walk me down the aisle. Michelle, did you do a father/daughter dance? I am pretty much set on skipping that. I love your cufflink idea too. Michelle I like your 1 year celebration idea, I'm sure your dad is super proud of you and will be watching over the celebration.

I have cried every night when I go to bed, I wish he was still here.

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

I am right there with you. My dad passed away last Tuesday and the pain is horrible at times. Yet other times I hear and can feel him with me. Unfortunately, my dad was in the hospital and we were told he would enter into hospice. We didn't stay the night, he died that night. I have not yet forgiven myself for leaving him. It breaks my heart that he was alone. My only solice is that I said goodbye, I loved you, and I'll see you in the morning. I should have realized when my mom saw a tear run down his cheek that night in the ER that he knew it was time to go.

I've cried every day since. I went back to work and cried there. I miss him terribly. I talk to him a lot and hopefully he can hear me and is watching over me. Life is just not the same and I don't think will ever be the same.

He called me his pride and joy and I think it actually was the other way around.

Its still very early days for you and it will take time for you to cope better, you never get over it,but you will find ways to cope better.

My thoughts are with you and I know the pain you are feeling feels like it will never go away, it does get easier, you will have good days and bad days.

I completely agree with what you said about you being his pride and joy, when maybe he was your pride and joy.

I am so proud of what my Dad achieved in his life and how he put our family first in everything he said and did, he was such an inspiration and so special and I don't think I will ever understand why he was taken from us, or why any of our Dads were taken from all of us, when we obviously needed them so much, from reading the boards all of our Dads were very loving and meant so much to all us sons and daughters, it seems so unfair that we are all in so much pain, at least we all have each other

TAKE CARE ALL OF YOU

alwaysdaddysgirl

Michelle

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[alwaysdaddysgirl]

I am also happy to read about Michelle's wedding. Right now I dread that day and also will have to remind myself my dad would want me to have a happy day. My brother and I are not close at all so I think I'd have my mom walk me down the aisle. Michelle, did you do a father/daughter dance? I am pretty much set on skipping that. I love your cufflink idea too. Michelle I like your 1 year celebration idea, I'm sure your dad is super proud of you and will be watching over the celebration.

I have cried every night when I go to bed, I wish he was still here.

I danced with my brother after I danced with my husband and it was very hard, because it should have been my wonderful Daddy. I am very close to my brother, he has been amazing, he is also getting married in September( I'm a bridesmaid)

He was there when my Dad died.

If you want to email me personally my email is chellmuchmorehill@yahoo.co.uk

I wish my Dad was still here too, I still sometimes cry at night.

How did you lose your Dad?

I'm sending you a hug from England

XXXXX alwaysdaddysgirl XXXXXX

[ownedby3]

My dad has been sick for 10 years. He found out he was diabetic about 10 years ago which he kept under control. But his kidneys failed so he had kidney dialysis. Then he got some crazy blood disease, but thankfully recovered and dealt with both.

1 year ago he had a spot on his lung and had that removed. It was in 1 lymph node but we didn't think it would spread so soon. He couldn't have chemo because he had no kidneys. 6 months later (this past April) he had 2 tumors on his brain and he tried radiation, which did nothing to help. He died 3 months later. He died almost exactly 1 year after finding out he had lung cancer. I hate cancer and hate that he struggled and suffered for almost 10 years. Two days before he died he still thought he could get out of bed and wanted to walk. He didn't realize he couldn't. He was such a fighter.

Thanks for the hugs!!

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

ownedby3

bless you it all happened so quickly, your Dad certainly was a fighter from the sounds of things, I hope coming on these boards helps you.

Cancer affects so many people, I lost my Nan in 1995 to cancer, my mum lost her friend and one of my close friends lost her Dad in April this year.

I did a sponsered race called the race for life on Sunday, we managed to raise over £500 between 3 of us and the whole race raised £400,000 for cancer research, its a 5km run for women, I do it every year, its a great way to show our support for families and friends who have lost people to this horrible disease.Where are you from and do you have anything like this?

In England they do it across the counties

Lots of Love

alwaysdaddysgirl

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P.S Did you manage to have alook at my Dad's memorial website?