Loss of a Father

[jackiewitter]

Hi Tara, This is the new format.  Appears there are alot of features as Kelly promised.  I received an email this morning of your post.   Hope everything is going well with you.  Hanging in there is the best you can do, beat's the alternative!  I have Ben's Iraq address now.  I know that Cindy (in alaska) wanted it, so if you want to send him a card or something just email me and I'll get it to you.  If everything is working like it was before all you need to do is click on my profile and my email address is there.  Take care of yourself..brace your self for Halloween.  You might try to do something special that will allow you to celebrate and still feel that you have your dad's presence with you.  I think I am going to wear one some of my brothers clothes on Halloween.  If anyone ask who I am I will just say that I am my brother!  Sometimes when days are rougher than others, I carry his cell phone or wear his socks.  Just a way that I try to keep him close.  Take care little one, peace and blessings, Jackie

[mofirefly]

Hi Out There - I'm not sure how this new site works either, but hope to have time someday to get the hang of it - been back at work to help fill in and it's taken away my free time.  Hope all those out there who have connected together on these boards will continue to give strength to each other as we continue our long journey...on a road that seems to have more potholes than the dirt road I travel to and from on.  I think of you often and hope you are all traveling on to new horizons.  Take care!

[jackiewitter]

mofirefly, Hi!  Have not heard from you in a while.  Hope all is well.  You are absolutely right about the pot holes!  Seems just when you get past on juncture, then another pops up.  We just muddle through here..  Holidays are coming up and we will be headed back to the beach for Thanksgiving.  That's what we did last year and it did seem to help.  That was our first holiday without Jeff and while there were still moments that seemed difficult, the difference in scenary helped.  Take care & post more when you can.  I miss you!  Peace and blessings, Jackie

[cindyinalaska]

Hi everyone!

I have some sad news to share...my grandma passed away on Friday night.  Her funeral was today.  The doctors say she died of a broken heart...that she willed herself to die.  She just couldn't live without my grandpa and my dad, her son.  To have the three of them die in the past 10 months has been so painful.  I don't think that it has hit me yet that she is gone too!  It's just so sad.  I am happy for her that she can be at peace and be with my grandpa and my dad, but I will miss her so much!  

 Tara...How are you doing??  I haven't been able to email you!!  I'm sorry!  It's taken me awhile to get used to being a working mom.  The most difficult part though, besides Mark being gone has been the snow!  We just had 14 inches in the past few days!  All of my neighbors who normally help with snow removal are out of town too....so the girls and I have been doing ALOT of shoveling!!  Please let me know how you are doing. 

I do have some good news....Mark comes home in a week.   Five days sooner than expected!

To all of my BI friends:  I hope tonight finds you all well!  I will talk to you soon!  Cindy

 

[alex329]

HI CINDY................OH MY GOD AM I SOO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS YET AGAIN...............I DONT KNOW HOW YOU CAN HANDLE ALL OF THIS...............TODAY IS 10MONTHS FOR ME..............YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 MORE MONTHUNTIL THAT DAY........................ANYWAY AGAIN I AM SO SORRY YOU LOST YOUR GRANDMA,I WAS VERY CLOSE TO BOTH OF MY GRANDMOTHERS AND IT HURTS ALOT............I AM SO HAPPY MARK IS RETURNING SOON TO BE WITH YOU AND THE GIRLS............AND THEN HE CAN SHOVEL!!!!! WHEN DO YOU LEAVE ALASKA??????????????? SOON I HOPE............IM IN NY AND WE GET 3FT SOMETIMES AND I HATE IT...........ITS PRETTY AT  FIRST BUT THEN IT NOT SO GOOD...................SO I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL BUT WE WONT SEE THAT UNTIL JAN OR FEB............THIS NEW SIGHT HAS THROWN ME FOR A LOOP,IM CONFUSED A LITTLE BIT BUT I HOPE I FIND YOU OK TONIGHT............................TAKE CARE AND KEEP WRITING.................TARA:)

[cindyinalaska]

Hi Tara....can you believe we have five years left until we can leave Alaska!!  I have no idea how I am going to make it here that long!  I can't wait to get back to the "real" world! 

I don't know how I am handling my grandmas death!  Can you believe that I just feel numb....is that normal??  I guess the better question is..Is it "normal" to lose three family members in just 10 months????  When this hits me...I think it will be bad!!  Thank you so much for your support!  I don't know what I would do without this website!!  Talk to you soon, Cindy 

[alex329]

CINDY..........PLEASE HANG IN THERE.........WE ARE JUST STILL GRIEVING ARE DAD:S AND THAT IS THE WORST FOR THE BOTH OF US..............STAY STRONG AND KEEP WORKING,IT SOUNDS LIKE ITS BEEN A GOOD THING FOR YOU.............ME TOO...........I LOVE TO GOT TO WORK,IT KEEPS MY MIND BUSY..................MARK WILL BE HOME SOON!!!! TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND FAMILY ,THATS WHAT I DO AND IT HELPS ALOT.................I WILL TAL WITH YOU SOON, I AM OFF TO TRY TO GET SOME KINDA SLEEP................YEAH RIGHT!!!! HAVENT DONE THAT IN 10 MONTHS!!!! BUT I TRY...............I MISS MY DAD SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH STILL.......................WHEN DOES IT GET EASIER????? I DONTTHINK ANYTIME SOON...............GOD BLESS AND TAKE CARE,ILL BE ON AND LOOKING FOR ALL MY BI FRIENDS...............I STILL NEED YOU GUYS..............NITE TARA

[alex329]

CINDY..........PLEASE HANG IN THERE.........WE ARE JUST STILL GRIEVING ARE DAD:S AND THAT IS THE WORST FOR THE BOTH OF US..............STAY STRONG AND KEEP WORKING,IT SOUNDS LIKE ITS BEEN A GOOD THING FOR YOU.............ME TOO...........I LOVE TO GOT TO WORK,IT KEEPS MY MIND BUSY..................MARK WILL BE HOME SOON!!!! TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND FAMILY ,THATS WHAT I DO AND IT HELPS ALOT.................I WILL TAL WITH YOU SOON, I AM OFF TO TRY TO GET SOME KINDA SLEEP................YEAH RIGHT!!!! HAVENT DONE THAT IN 10 MONTHS!!!! BUT I TRY...............I MISS MY DAD SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH STILL.......................WHEN DOES IT GET EASIER????? I DONTTHINK ANYTIME SOON...............GOD BLESS AND TAKE CARE,ILL BE ON AND LOOKING FOR ALL MY BI FRIENDS...............I STILL NEED YOU GUYS..............NITE TARA

[cindyinalaska]

Tara,

The job has been wonderful!!  It really couldnt have come at a more needed time!  The people I work with are fantastic and I feel like I "fit" right in!  I know how bad you are feeling with the holidays coming up...it will be so hard, but we will get through it!!  For tonight, try to get some sleep...and I will talk to you tomorrow??  Hopefully!    Cindy

[mindy10]

Dear Guest, I know exactly how you feel.  First I want to say im sorry for your loss.  My dad died of colon cancer and the last 2 1/2 months of his life where pure torture for him and the family.  To watch a father get weaker and weaker each day and then be so helpless and watch him be so anxious and confused nearly killed me.  I hated to watch that and even a year later I have the visions in my head.  I pray that as the days go on we both can start to have the good memories of our fathers and the bad images will fade away.  Mindy

[cindyinalaska]

Hi,

I hope this is ok....My kids helped me put this picture here for me.... it is of My dad, Rick who died December 13, 2006, My Grandpa Clay, who died February 9, 2007, and my wonderful grandmother who passed away a little over a week ago on October 19, 2007.  I miss them so much and I just wanted you all to see them.  Cindy

[cascade77]

My dad died 4 years ago, unexpectedly, went away for a long weekend and had a massive heart attack. I went home immediately to help my mother and ended up taking care of not just the funeral details, but basically becoming the "parent" for 2 months because my mother could not handle the loss, was medicated and my brother went awol, his way of dealing with it, i realize this now, but at the time it left a lot on my shoulders.

When I finally went back to my own home, i started a new job, which lasted for only 3 months because there was so much down time all i could think about was my dad, so i moved on to a different job that kept me busy constantly.

Now, 4 years later, and 2 jobs later, I am again starting a new job and suddenly I am reacting to the stresses with uncontrollable crying jags, freezing up at my desk and having anxiety attacks. So I decided to see a therapist, and what has come out of that is the realization that i never actually grieved for my dad, i kept putting it off, being the strong one and now this new job (which was supposed to be wonderful) has me terrified each morning.

I try to cry and when i try to cry nothing happens, but when i least expect it and in the most inopportune times, i can't stop crying. So, i decided to give this a try, to try and grieve for my dad so that I can let all of what is pent up in me, let it out, finally.

Since this is hiting me now, at the start of a new job, i would love any advice on how I can deal with this while at work, how i can cope better, cause talking about him has made it feel like it just happened, like 4 years has not passed and instead it has only been 2 months.

thanks.

[jackiewitter]

Cindyinalaska.   Hi, I love the picture.  It is absolutely wonderful.  I was going to spend sometime looking for one of my Mom, Dad & Jeffrey as well.  It just helps identify you so much.  I just think it is beautiful.  Send me an email when you get an opportunity and I'll send you Ben's address in Iraq.  He had his first patrol about two weeks ago, he said it was very uneventful.  I told him that was a good thing, don't get comfortable thinking all patrols were going to be uneventful.  I miss him so, I am ready for him to come home, but that will be a while.  He said his first day at Camp Striker made him think so much about his Uncle Jeff, he said he knew Jeff would be proud of him and he knew if Jeff were there they would be kicking butt together!  All is good here, just trying to prepare for the start of the holidays.  Memories of what Jeffrey and I did as kids during Halloween are flooding my mind.  I should be more grateful that I have those wonderful memories rather than feeling sorry for myself that we cannot make any more.  I am going to check the rest of the boards and begin working.  I was so good to see your post, I have missed you.  Take care of yourself, and thanks for sharing your loved ones with us.  Peace and blessings, Jackie

[jackiewitter]

cascade77,  I read your post and probably don't have much advise, but I did want to tell you what I did.  My father died 3 years ago after dealing with horrible affects of  Alzheimer's and then two years later my brother died in a work related accident.  Because of the circumstances surrounding my brothers death, it affected me in a much different and more complicated way.  I have posted before at BI that I felt that the three days employers provided for grieving was merely a drop in the bucket.  I still find myself distracted at times.  When I returned to work I was still dealing with OSHA and the Medical Examiner, there were many things that I had to take care of from work, then there were the emotional meltdowns.  I told my manager that I did not feel that I could continue working and she was very patient with me.  I explained that I did not know when I would "return to myself".  I searched the Internet frequently for news articles on my brother, I just "spaced out".   I found that if I took short breaks more frequently that helped my focus.  As soon as I felt like I was drifting away, I would go outside and just breathe for a few moments.  Tell your people around you what you are going through and that you just need a few moments to regroup.  I know that it worked well for me and hope that it will help you.  I thought that the grief for my brother had kind of overridden the grief for my parents, but that is not how it happened...the new grief with Jeffrey just multiplied to include all three.  There's not a day that goes by that one of them is not heavy on my heart and on my mind.  Sometimes all three.  I'll pray for you that you can adjust, my mother has been gone since 2001 and I know how it feels to think you are past something and then it just hits you as fresh as the day it happened.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  Peace and blessings, Jackie

[hannahjordan]

Hey, I am sorry for your loss. I am also 22 and we lost my Dad suddenly on the 16th September. He was my best friend and we did so much together and he never acted like my Dad as such, he was so young at heart. One night he went to sleep and never woke up - it was a genetic issue. It doesnt seem fair! I feel I am lucky though to be finding a drive in me to carry on with my career. Its nice to know so many people are in the same boat!

 

Hannah x

[dollface]

The new boards look really good--

Here is a pic of a painting that Kaziah Hancock did of my father.  It hangs in my mothers home.  Kaziah has been on the Today show and others for painting pics of fallen soldiers at no cost to the family.  I applied for the painting so my 2 year old son would have something that resembles the grandfather he never knew.

I hope you are all doing well today.  Please remember my friend whose father is dying of bone cancer in your prayers and if you have any suggestions I may pass along to her, please let me know.

Tracy

 

[solemate]

hi  - I love the painting - it is great - what a wonderful gesture - my Dad has just died and I would love such a picture - could you please email to me at  costigan@bigpond.net.au - some details so I could make contact with the fellow who painted it.  Also how did you get the picture on the site???  I tried and ended up with the picture on the posted side. - your instructions on how to do this would be appreciated.  - Gayle - My thoughts and prayers are with you and your friends and relatives

[dollface]

Gayle:

The painting was part of "Project compassion".  This organization paints portraits of U.S. soldiers who have lost their life mostly in Iraq.  When I contacted Kaziah, I explained to her that my father passed of Multiple Myloma--a cancer that came as a result of the Agent Orange used in Vietnam.   I explained to her that on 9-11, I was with my father and he told me to call my mom and tell her he wasn't coming home--he wanted to go to the closest Army Base and do what he could for his country.  The fact was that there was no way the Army would take him--he lost his hearing in Vietnam and was so sick from this cancer.  I knew that this organization was for the Iraq war, but by the time I finished telling her about my Daddy, we were both in tears, and she said her-herself wanted to do his portrait.  She runs the program and will usually assign the soldiers to other artists.  She is truely sent from God.  You should check out her website--just google Project compasion and it should come up.

As far as posting the avatar, I went into My Account--it's not to bad to figure out--just new to all of us at BI. 

Thank you for thinking of my friend.  I know she looks toward me for some kind of reassurance, and I don't know how much I can give her.

Tracy

[solemate]

dollface, thank you so much for the instructions on how to do the picture - this is me and my dear Mum and Dad.   I will be taking their ashes to Ireland early next year.  Dad was killed instantly and we turned off Mum's life support some few hrs later on the same day.  I have been busy scrapbooking Dad's memories and have found this to be a good therapy.  I cry, laugh and have fond memories of the times we all had together.  I was lucky to have given Dad a scrapbook of his time in the Korean War and I know he was thrilled to receive it.  I wish you well and will try to contact Project compassion, however I think that I would not be eligible for a painting.  We all need to keep our memories within our hearts and look ahead.  Its only been 7 mths since that day that changed my life, and I am only starting to feel an acceptance that they are both gone.  I may feel different tomorrow - who knows? We all react so different in our grief and I know for me it has been extremely hard (and still is)  - take care everyone - gayle

[lynnny]

Hi everyone. Have not been on in a bit and i love the new site. I attached a picture of my dad a month prior to his passing of cancer. he is in the pictures with his grandkids.

Dad passed 8/27/06 and it seems like yesterday. My mom sold the house we grew up in and now moved to florida to be closer to my sister and grandkids. I see pictures that my sister mails to me of my mom's new house and just cry because my dad should be enjoying this time with her as well......

Some days are just really sad and then others I think of him and smile of all the good time. 

 

[dollface]

Happy Veterans Day Daddy--Sorry we didn't make it to the memorial today.  I love you and thank you for all you have done and I am very proud of you!

Your little girl,

Tracy aka dollface

[tginmalibu]

Thank you all for sharing here. It's helpful to feel like I'm not alone My Dad died suddenly just three months ago and I am as crushed and lost as I was when it first happened. Maybe more, in fact...time seems to just make it worse. It seems I don't care about anything, including work, or finding a man. I envy people who can move through these emotions so quickly.

[ottogirl]

hey guys im new to this. so i guess i should tell you why i am even here.

 

well i am now 16 but i lost my dad in 8th grade when i was 12. He went in for a hip replacement surgery and took a turn for the worse. his cause of death was sepsis. i was devestated. i was so angry i was about to go to highschool the most important thing in my life. the time i really needed him he just left. nothing made sense from then on. i was so mad at him. I always thought that he made me the charity case for the world now. everyone is going to feel bad for me and i hated that. i didnt want people to do that or treat me different. i didnt think this would change i felt that i was stuck in this slum forever. This is where the reason i am here comes to play it gets so much better. It is the hardest thing you will ever do  in life if you are a kid who lost your dad or mom. the hardest but that makes you so much stonger than more than half the world. Dont let this paralyze you. Your loved one wouldnt want that. I am the oldest of 3 i have a brother who is now a freshman 14, and a little-er brother who is 12. they were so young when my dad died to young to become the men of the house. Loseing your mom or dad is the hardest thing you will ever do everr!! but listen you will be 10 million times stronger than before by sticking it out. Not by giving up, not by bottleing it all up. but by letting people know you will get upset its just what happends but you arent going to be controled by it.

 

to all those kids my heart goes out to you. and if you want to talk i am always here.

thank you

love

ottogirl.

[tginmalibu]

I can't believe you are 16, and you are so wise. God bless you. You are right. Thank you for lifting my spirits. I'm so sorry about your Dad. He must have done something very right during the short time you had him here.

[4froggies]

Today is 6 months since my dad died.  I can't believe half a year has passed. 

I miss him so much, I am struggling to find who I am without him in my life.  Too much is happening in such a short period of time, today the 6 month mark, this Saturday is his birthday, next Thursday the start of our first holiday season without him--I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning knowing that I am one day closer to having to face the inevitable.

I keep hearing that it will get easier.I keep hearing that one day I will not focus on the pain but remember the good times and rejoice in them.  I am not sure that day will ever happen.

My Mom still has his stuff the way it was when Dad died. I can't bear to look at it, but the thought of it not being there is even worse.  Sometimes I sit in his chair just to feel close to him. When he first died it still smelled of him, now it doesn't, but that doesn't stop me from trying to smell him.

Sometimes I forget what he smelled like, what he felt like, what he sounded like.  On those days I hope to God that this is all a nightmare and that I will wake up and Dad will be with me.

But that never happens. I am still in the now and he is still gone.

I am so sad today.

 

Michele

[tginmalibu]

I'm so sorry about your Dad. If it helps, it feels exactly the same to me and to many others and until this terrible first year of "firsts" passes, I guess we have to just literally try to make it through one day at a time. I know it's hard, you are strong for making it six months. But if there is one thing I've learned about grief, it's that we all need to do it in our own way. I like what the 16 year old girl who lost her Dad so young said when she said not to let this own you. It's hard because it's all we are thinking about I know. I am sending good thoughts out to you wherever you are are that today, you can make it through the day and maybe something special will happen to surprise you. I hope so.

[mofirefly]

Just stopping in to see how others are doing - I don't see any posts from those I remember and unfortunately don't have enough time to catch up on the new posts.  Hope all who are traveling this road are doing ok and someday have more good days than bad.  Take care!

[cindyinalaska]

Hi Mofirefly!

It's been awhile since I've seen a post from you!  Hope all is well with you and your family!    I'm not able to get here to BI as much as I used to...I started a new job recently and there never seems to be enough time in the day to get things done.  I have also been hoping to see Tara and Jackie....I suppose they are busy too! 

Anyway, I am so glad that you posted tonight..I've been thinking about all of the people I met here in those first few overwhelmingly painful  months after I lost my dad.  You have all been a god send!  I truly mean that!!  I am doing ok these days....some days are better than others.  I have mixed feelings about the upcoming holidays...some days I feel ok to go ahead and celebrate and decorate for Thanksgiving and Christmas because my dad loved this time of year, and other days I just want to forget that they are coming up....I guess I'll just have to wait and see how I feel.  I'm not sure if you read that I just recently lost my grandma...thats 3 deaths in the past 11 months.  I feel a little numb...I'm not sure that my brain has quite accepted that they are not here anymore.  Next month, on the 13th, it will be 1 year since I lost my dad...to be honest with you...it feels like time has flown by...yet its hard to believe that this time last year I was on the phone with him...getting ideas on what to buy for Christmas.  I still wonder how I will feel when that first year mark arrives.  I am taking December 14th off from work...that was his birthday.  I hope I am able to celebrate his life and not be overwhelmed by the fact that he's not here.  I think I am starting to ramble...so I guess I better go.  To all of you who have lost your dads....I am deeply sorry for your loss.  Please know that you are not alone..we are here for you.  I hope to talk to you soon.  Take Care, Cindy

[solemate]

Hi Mofirefly - I am still here also - just hopping from site to site with thoughts of Mum and Dad - Has anyone any tips on how to survive the first christmas without our loved ones - I was to have Christmas at my home with my dear parents - now they are both gone it will be so hard - I had already bought special things for them and the setting of our table.  Lunch will be hard for me and I am not sure I want to celebrate at all.  During the last 7 months I have already had Dad and Mums birthdays, their wedding anniversary, x 2 serviceman memorial days, my birthday, my son and daughter's birthday, my husband's birthday, our wedding anniversay not to mention Mothers and Fathers day - Im not sure I want to go through another anniversary date....  I feel the pressure building up already - I find it hard to go into the shops with lots of Christmas decorations everywhere.  - Any tips would be grateful - solemate

 

[tginmalibu]

Hi Solemate, I'm so sorry you are feeling so sad, I understand. This will be my first Christmas without my father. I know exactly what you mean about the pain of even thinking about celebrating, because it was my father's favorite holiday, he went crazy with the presents for all of us and the grandkids.

It's just too hard to imitate the usual holiday, but with the missing loved one or loved ones lifted from the picture. Too hard for me. And maybe for you.

I don't know if his is hepful at all, but I felt the same way about dreading the holidays and xmas especially. The best idea so far is to do my best NOT to repeat the traditions of the past..to take a little 'vacation' from those traditions and make new ones. Tgiving we are driving to visit cousins we haven't celebrated with in 20 years, relatives that honestly my Dad was neverso crazy about but I kinda like them. ;-) So that will be new and lighter. Then. Christmas my mom and I have saved up to spend the holiday at a nice hotel about an hour from our house where they are gong to have a tree and Christmas dinner and there is a church nearby. The hotel visit is our gift to each other. We will be togehter, but conected to no typical traditions.

I'm not saying we won't return to our old traditions and lunches and visiting with the grandkids next year. But this year we are making changes . Maybe you can create your own version with this same idea ?

Either way I am thinking of you and sending thoughts and prayers, this is so hard. It will ease, they say.

[lynnny]

I have to agree that the holidays are tough. Last Christmas may dad would have been gone only 4 months and it was really tough. I did not decorate my house like I normally do. (In fact in a year I have not decorated for any holiday and usually do). It was soooo hard going into stores with all the decorations. We all got together as a family, same as we did every year but this time, no dad. I have to say it was really tough. We laughed and cried, spoke about all the good memories of dad and what he would be doing if he was here right now.

This year I am still sad but with time I have decided that I do want to put a tree up and decorate. It is going to be hard and I am dreading it but I will put the xmas music on and do it. Last year I did not even want to hear any xmas music.

It took my mom over 6 months to even touch things the way they were when dad left them. Just one day she knew it was time and decided to pack stuff up and give stuff away. In the year, Mom has just sold her house and moved to FL to be closer to my other sister. It makes me sad that dad is not enjoying this new venture with her but she is really very happy with the change.

I too remember trying to smell everything that was my dad's for his smell. His chair, shirts, watch.....slowly that goes away though. It is the video tapes and pictures and our memories that will keep them in our heart....

I still only have dreams of dad being sick with his cancer and when i wake up i say oh it was only a dream and believe he is still alive. Then I remember and say no he is not and get sad...

I wish everyone a good holiday season and know you will all get through it even if it is sad but with everyday tears will turn to laughter. Although tears still come!

THanks for listening to me. I needed to vent because of the upcoming holidays and I just plain ole miss my daddy.....

 

[mofirefly]

Hi Out There - To all who are approaching their "first" holiday season without their loved ones, please remember to be kind to yourself...allow yourself to do what you feel like doing and more importantly not do what you don't feel like doing.  I joined these boards after getting thru all the firsts simply because I had thought somehow I would feel so much better, and so when I still felt lost I came here for support and I'm forever grateful to know that losing a loved one leaves you feeling lost and alone for a very long time, if not forever, and you simply have to rebuild a life that has a huge hole in the middle - but it is possible.  Cindy - I hope your job is one you enjoy, as working does seem to be a tremendous help (I just recently went back to work on a temporary basis to help out where I use to work).  Work does take up our mind and keeps us more focused on the here and now.  Solemate (Gayle, if I'm remembering right) - I think of you so very often and when I read your posts and see how you are dealing I marval at how well you seem to be having lost both parents so suddenly where I only lost one suddenly.  I hope we hear from Tara sometime soon - I had hoped she was keeping in touch by email....and if any of you wish to reach me on email, the address is in my profile.  If I'm unable to get back on the boards before Thanksgiving - I hope all of you traveling this road will have a moment to give Thanks for something in your lifes - even if it only that you are thankful for having loved someone so very much that you are now in pain because you miss them  -  Take Care!

[solemate]

Dear Mofirefly - I always enjoy reading your posts - you are a remarkable person, often just saying the right words at the right time.  Thank you for thinking of me - I too think of you often.  I have been down a little trying to self talk my way through the agony of having to agree to turning off my Mum's life support system only  three hours after Dad dying in the car accident.  People still say to me that I should be happy that they have both gone together. What is there to be happy about - there I go again - I know that if Mum had of gone first and Dad survived, he would have been so lost without her, so I guess I have to agree that because they both went together, they are at least together.  I just miss them so much and still have tears as I type.   I have decided to create something for the site so we can all member our loveones at Christmas.  I am writing to beyond Indigo with a suggestionfor Christmas - hopefully a basic idea can flow to something worthwhile for all of us. To everyone on line - I wish you peace and hope that we can all get through the tuff times.  Thank you all for your continued support, it is often your comments that seem to boost my down times. Thank you - Gayle

[alex329]

HI ALL........IM NOT DOINg SO GOOD THESE DAYS...........I AM SO LOST WITHOUT MY DAD,ITS SOOOOOOOOOO HARD AS YOU ALL KNOW...........I DONT FEEL LIKE DOING ANYTHING TO CELEBRATE THE HOLDAYS,BUT I HAVE TO.........JOEY IS 11 AND I CANT DO THAT TO HIM.........I KNOW THAT BUT AT THE SAME TIME,I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT CUTTING DOWN OUR TREE LIKE WE DO EVERY YEAR.......................I JUST DONT HAVE IT IN ME.........................WHAT DO I DO???????????????  MY IN-LAWS WANT ME TO GO TO THERE HOUSE AT THE CAPE FOR THAKSGIVING,THEY THINK I NEED A CHANGE OF SCENERY,SINCE MY DAD LIVED 2 DOORS DOWN FROM ME................I CANNOT GO!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE TO BE WITH MY MOM AND UNCLE AND MY SIBLINGS,IF I CAN EVEN DO THat WILL BE A CHORE..............I HATE THIS AND I HOPE TO FEEL ALOT DIFFERENT AFTER THE HOLIDAYS BUT IM ALSO SCARED ALLL OF THESE FEELINGS WONT GO AWAY AFTER "THE FIRST YEAR" SO IM IN A RUT AND NEED TO GET OUT....................im sorry for the caps,i forgot................i miss all of you guys but just trying to keep busy but am not doing that great...............why is this soooooooooooooooooo friggen hard to get thru????????????????????? i hate it...............i feel like such a weak person..................i just miss my dad sooooooooo much and dont get me wrong i do have ok days andi see a grief counselor,buuuuuuuuuut theres only so much another can tell you...............these are my feelings and noone can change them..........whatever degree they may have.....................he was my buddy always and this just is not right..........................sorry,just venting....havent been on in awhile..................................i really hope all of you are better than i...............im really trying but its just sooooooooo hard...............................i didnt know it would be so bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hi to candy ,and cindy,and jackie................miss you guys.............hope all is ok with you and your families tonight....................love tara

[kindpls]

I recently lost both of my parents.  Dad passed away first and then 18 days later mom passed away.  Actually she had a heart attack the day before dad died.  The doctors told us that she was willing her self to die.  My parents had been together 56 years.  We had been told that dad had two months to live and he lasted only two weeks.  Dad was mom's caregiver.  Things have really been complicated due to the closeness of their deaths.  We are still battling with the trust lawyer and trying to sell their house - long distance.  They have been gone 8 months.  Some days are easier than others - but none of them are easy.  I am not looking forward to the holidays and expressed this to my husband.  His response to me was "get over it and move on".  WOW......talk about stabbing me with a knife.  I know that there is no way I have been easy to be around.  Nothing makes me happy.  Everything can send me to tears.  But this response from him...........  He lost his father several years ago and was not really close to him.  Grieving time - one week.  I was very close to my parents, probably talked to them ever day or every other day, my father stayed at our house for about 3 months before he passed away.  None of this was easy.  And.......oh yea, my 23 year old step son had to move back in because he got into financial trouble.  I miss my parents so much, and the one person that I thought understood, does not.  I am so angry and hurt by his comments.   

[solemate]

Dear Kindpls - I too lost both my parents - on the same day - dad was driving (in the rain) and lost control of his car, he died instantly and several hrs later we drove from the morgue to another hospital to see my dear Mum only to turn off her life support system.  I know how you must be feeling as this happened on 25th March this year so the date must be close to your dates.  I too was extremely close to my parents, they lived only within a close walk from me and lived in a unit owned by me.  I saw them almost every day and my grief is inconsolable at times.  My husband son and daughter have been a great help but my sister and her husband have choosen to be distant.  I too have been through some tough times with them both dying on the same day and in different locations. My mother actually died at the scene of the accident but was revived (albeit she was unconscious) technically as dad died first and was responsible for the accident - he has responsible for my mum's death.  I know it was just an accident - and thats the way I have been dealing with the issue.  We seem to be about the same age as my children are young adults   I feel your pain and still have bad days.  I have asked Beyond Indigo to create a site for postings for Christmas - I notice that this has been done under Holidays  - Be kind to yourself = there is no limit of time to our grief.  One day one year several years - I doubt I will ever move on - just learn how to cope with the loss and live with positive memories.  For me the shock, hurt and loss of my parents has been to date the worst situation that I have had to face.  Opening the door to a policeman who had bad news,  making decisions during stress and dealing with day to day situation  have taken its toll both physicaly and mentally.  I guess that you may be the same. Grief counselling has helped and scrapbooking my parents memories.  I would love to hear from you more and welcome you contacting me on my email address  - I wish I could reach out to you and just give you a hug and say hello.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.  Take care and when you feel like it post again, it certainly helps to vent out any feelings in this safe forum.  I too have a birthday in September and am 1 year older than you. Love to hear from you on my email address costigan@bigpond.net.au  gayle

 

[mofirefly]

Tara - Sorry to see you are having a down day - and hope that you will be blessed with one that isn't down soon.  The holiday season is stressful enough but ever more so when you are feeling so lost and alone.  Please continue to be gentle with yourself - and don't over do simply for your son as I feel (as you probably do to) that he is having trouble dealing with the loss as well, but kids as so very great at living in the moment and living fully.  Coming to these boards as you know is a great place to release some of the emotions that no one else can ever begin to understand, but at least here we can share our thoughts and feelings and gain some strength from knowing we do not travel this crazy road alone.  If you ever want to reach me, my email address is in my profile - as I check my emails a little more often that I can get on the boards.  Please take a DEEP BREATHE and try to find some peace this holiday.  Take care.

[alex329]

HEY CANDY..............THANKSGIVING WAS NOT SO GREAT ,WE ALL FELT THE LOSS OF MY MY DAD THIS DAY.................BUT WE WEREALL TOGEHTER AND THATS WHAT MATTERS TO US NOW..............AND XMAS WILL BE THE SAME WAY IF NOT HARDER....................HE COLLAPSED ON THE 23RD AND DIED THE 26T OF DEC...............WE HAD TO TAKE HIM OFF MACHINES ON XMAS EVE....................SO ITSS GOING TO BE HARD,I KNOW,,,,, BUT IM REALLY TRYING TO BE UPBEAT FOR MY N JOEY...............BUT ITS SOOOOOOOOOOO HARD....................I JUST WANT XMAS TO PASS ON BY ME............BUT ILL BE OK..........I HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!! I WIL DO IT FOR JOEY,THATS WHAT MY DAD WOULD WANT,,,,,,,,,,,,,JOJO WAS HIS LIFE AND BEST FRIEND EVER.............................................ILL KEEP YOU POSTED AS TO HOW XMAS WENT FOR US HERE.......................IM SURE WE WILL BE OK...........THERE ARE SO MANY OF US TO GET TOGETHER AND KEEP OUR MINDS BUSY...........................NITE LOVE TARA...........................HOPE ALL SIS WELL WITH YOU TONIGHT......................

[alex329]

HEY CANDY..............THANKSGIVING WAS NOT SO GREAT ,WE ALL FELT THE LOSS OF MY MY DAD THIS DAY.................BUT WE WEREALL TOGEHTER AND THATS WHAT MATTERS TO US NOW..............AND XMAS WILL BE THE SAME WAY IF NOT HARDER....................HE COLLAPSED ON THE 23RD AND DIED THE 26T OF DEC...............WE HAD TO TAKE HIM OFF MACHINES ON XMAS EVE....................SO ITSS GOING TO BE HARD,I KNOW,,,,, BUT IM REALLY TRYING TO BE UPBEAT FOR MY N JOEY...............BUT ITS SOOOOOOOOOOO HARD....................I JUST WANT XMAS TO PASS ON BY ME............BUT ILL BE OK..........I HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!! I WIL DO IT FOR JOEY,THATS WHAT MY DAD WOULD WANT,,,,,,,,,,,,,JOJO WAS HIS LIFE AND BEST FRIEND EVER.............................................ILL KEEP YOU POSTED AS TO HOW XMAS WENT FOR US HERE.......................IM SURE WE WILL BE OK...........THERE ARE SO MANY OF US TO GET TOGETHER AND KEEP OUR MINDS BUSY...........................NITE LOVE TARA...........................HOPE ALL SIS WELL WITH YOU TONIGHT......................

[alex329]

HEY CANDY..............THANKSGIVING WAS NOT SO GREAT ,WE ALL FELT THE LOSS OF MY MY DAD THIS DAY.................BUT WE WEREALL TOGEHTER AND THATS WHAT MATTERS TO US NOW..............AND XMAS WILL BE THE SAME WAY IF NOT HARDER....................HE COLLAPSED ON THE 23RD AND DIED THE 26T OF DEC...............WE HAD TO TAKE HIM OFF MACHINES ON XMAS EVE....................SO ITSS GOING TO BE HARD,I KNOW,,,,, BUT IM REALLY TRYING TO BE UPBEAT FOR MY N JOEY...............BUT ITS SOOOOOOOOOOO HARD....................I JUST WANT XMAS TO PASS ON BY ME............BUT ILL BE OK..........I HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!! I WIL DO IT FOR JOEY,THATS WHAT MY DAD WOULD WANT,,,,,,,,,,,,,JOJO WAS HIS LIFE AND BEST FRIEND EVER.............................................ILL KEEP YOU POSTED AS TO HOW XMAS WENT FOR US HERE.......................IM SURE WE WILL BE OK...........THERE ARE SO MANY OF US TO GET TOGETHER AND KEEP OUR MINDS BUSY...........................NITE LOVE TARA...........................HOPE ALL SIS WELL WITH YOU TONIGHT......................

[alex329]

HEY CANDY..............THANKSGIVING WAS NOT SO GREAT ,WE ALL FELT THE LOSS OF MY MY DAD THIS DAY.................BUT WE WEREALL TOGEHTER AND THATS WHAT MATTERS TO US NOW..............AND XMAS WILL BE THE SAME WAY IF NOT HARDER....................HE COLLAPSED ON THE 23RD AND DIED THE 26T OF DEC...............WE HAD TO TAKE HIM OFF MACHINES ON XMAS EVE....................SO ITSS GOING TO BE HARD,I KNOW,,,,, BUT IM REALLY TRYING TO BE UPBEAT FOR MY N JOEY...............BUT ITS SOOOOOOOOOOO HARD....................I JUST WANT XMAS TO PASS ON BY ME............BUT ILL BE OK..........I HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!! I WIL DO IT FOR JOEY,THATS WHAT MY DAD WOULD WANT,,,,,,,,,,,,,JOJO WAS HIS LIFE AND BEST FRIEND EVER.............................................ILL KEEP YOU POSTED AS TO HOW XMAS WENT FOR US HERE.......................IM SURE WE WILL BE OK...........THERE ARE SO MANY OF US TO GET TOGETHER AND KEEP OUR MINDS BUSY...........................NITE LOVE TARA...........................HOPE ALL SIS WELL WITH YOU TONIGHT......................

[alex329]

HEY CANDY..............THANKSGIVING WAS NOT SO GREAT ,WE ALL FELT THE LOSS OF MY MY DAD THIS DAY.................BUT WE WEREALL TOGEHTER AND THATS WHAT MATTERS TO US NOW..............AND XMAS WILL BE THE SAME WAY IF NOT HARDER....................HE COLLAPSED ON THE 23RD AND DIED THE 26T OF DEC...............WE HAD TO TAKE HIM OFF MACHINES ON XMAS EVE....................SO ITSS GOING TO BE HARD,I KNOW,,,,, BUT IM REALLY TRYING TO BE UPBEAT FOR MY N JOEY...............BUT ITS SOOOOOOOOOOO HARD....................I JUST WANT XMAS TO PASS ON BY ME............BUT ILL BE OK..........I HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!! I WIL DO IT FOR JOEY,THATS WHAT MY DAD WOULD WANT,,,,,,,,,,,,,JOJO WAS HIS LIFE AND BEST FRIEND EVER.............................................ILL KEEP YOU POSTED AS TO HOW XMAS WENT FOR US HERE.......................IM SURE WE WILL BE OK...........THERE ARE SO MANY OF US TO GET TOGETHER AND KEEP OUR MINDS BUSY...........................NITE LOVE TARA...........................HOPE ALL SIS WELL WITH YOU TONIGHT......................

[alex329]

HEY CANDY..............THANKSGIVING WAS NOT SO GREAT ,WE ALL FELT THE LOSS OF MY MY DAD THIS DAY.................BUT WE WEREALL TOGEHTER AND THATS WHAT MATTERS TO US NOW..............AND XMAS WILL BE THE SAME WAY IF NOT HARDER....................HE COLLAPSED ON THE 23RD AND DIED THE 26T OF DEC...............WE HAD TO TAKE HIM OFF MACHINES ON XMAS EVE....................SO ITSS GOING TO BE HARD,I KNOW,,,,, BUT IM REALLY TRYING TO BE UPBEAT FOR MY N JOEY...............BUT ITS SOOOOOOOOOOO HARD....................I JUST WANT XMAS TO PASS ON BY ME............BUT ILL BE OK..........I HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!! I WIL DO IT FOR JOEY,THATS WHAT MY DAD WOULD WANT,,,,,,,,,,,,,JOJO WAS HIS LIFE AND BEST FRIEND EVER.............................................ILL KEEP YOU POSTED AS TO HOW XMAS WENT FOR US HERE.......................IM SURE WE WILL BE OK...........THERE ARE SO MANY OF US TO GET TOGETHER AND KEEP OUR MINDS BUSY...........................NITE LOVE TARA...........................HOPE ALL SIS WELL WITH YOU TONIGHT......................

[alex329]

HEY CANDY..............THANKSGIVING WAS NOT SO GREAT ,WE ALL FELT THE LOSS OF MY MY DAD THIS DAY.................BUT WE WEREALL TOGEHTER AND THATS WHAT MATTERS TO US NOW..............AND XMAS WILL BE THE SAME WAY IF NOT HARDER....................HE COLLAPSED ON THE 23RD AND DIED THE 26T OF DEC...............WE HAD TO TAKE HIM OFF MACHINES ON XMAS EVE....................SO ITSS GOING TO BE HARD,I KNOW,,,,, BUT IM REALLY TRYING TO BE UPBEAT FOR MY N JOEY...............BUT ITS SOOOOOOOOOOO HARD....................I JUST WANT XMAS TO PASS ON BY ME............BUT ILL BE OK..........I HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!! I WIL DO IT FOR JOEY,THATS WHAT MY DAD WOULD WANT,,,,,,,,,,,,,JOJO WAS HIS LIFE AND BEST FRIEND EVER.............................................ILL KEEP YOU POSTED AS TO HOW XMAS WENT FOR US HERE.......................IM SURE WE WILL BE OK...........THERE ARE SO MANY OF US TO GET TOGETHER AND KEEP OUR MINDS BUSY...........................NITE LOVE TARA...........................HOPE ALL SIS WELL WITH YOU TONIGHT......................

[alex329]

HEY CANDY..............THANKSGIVING WAS NOT SO GREAT ,WE ALL FELT THE LOSS OF MY MY DAD THIS DAY.................BUT WE WEREALL TOGEHTER AND THATS WHAT MATTERS TO US NOW..............AND XMAS WILL BE THE SAME WAY IF NOT HARDER....................HE COLLAPSED ON THE 23RD AND DIED THE 26T OF DEC...............WE HAD TO TAKE HIM OFF MACHINES ON XMAS EVE....................SO ITSS GOING TO BE HARD,I KNOW,,,,, BUT IM REALLY TRYING TO BE UPBEAT FOR MY N JOEY...............BUT ITS SOOOOOOOOOOO HARD....................I JUST WANT XMAS TO PASS ON BY ME............BUT ILL BE OK..........I HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!! I WIL DO IT FOR JOEY,THATS WHAT MY DAD WOULD WANT,,,,,,,,,,,,,JOJO WAS HIS LIFE AND BEST FRIEND EVER.............................................ILL KEEP YOU POSTED AS TO HOW XMAS WENT FOR US HERE.......................IM SURE WE WILL BE OK...........THERE ARE SO MANY OF US TO GET TOGETHER AND KEEP OUR MINDS BUSY...........................NITE LOVE TARA...........................HOPE ALL SIS WELL WITH YOU TONIGHT......................

[ownedby3]

I hosted my first Thanksgiving this year and what a strange holiday it was without my dad.  The one thing that made me happy was that his headstone was put in, so in some small way I think it was a gift from him to us on Thanksgiving.

One holiday down and one to go.  I'm not sure how we are going to make it through without my dad and my uncle.  Just making the apple pie and looking at the creamed onions made me think of him and brought tears to my eyes.  It's weird not Christmas shopping for him.  It's all just very weird.  I'm trying to still celebrate the holidays because I know that's what he would have wanted, but it's so hard.

I miss him so much and have so much to tell him.  Miss you dad!!

Denise

[4froggies]

ownedby3---you sound like me.  This was my first thanksgiving without dad, I also hosted it. I did that so we wouldn't focus on his empty chair at my parents house, where we always used to have thanksgiving.  Luckily the stress of the day didn't allow me to lose focus and ball my eyes out like I really wanted to, but the first thing I thought of when I woke up was how dad wouldn't be eating turkey with me this year.  My first in 30 years....

Unfortunately, his headstone isn't in yet (he died May 12th). My mom wasn't quick on the move in the ordering process and almost cost him a headstone in 2007, but luckily they just poured the concrete for the footer so it should be here shortly.  As glad as I am to know that he has a headstone, i don't know how I will react when I actually SEE his name on it, that makes it so so real. Just the thought of it makes my stomach upset. 

I miss him so much, I dont' know how or when this will ever GET better....

 

Michele

[ownedby3]

Hi Michelle, I do remember you.  Your dad died before your wedding if I'm not mistaken and your brother walked you down the aisle.  You had the green/blue bridesmaids dresses?  How are you and your husband?

I have a feeling my boyfriend and I are going to get engaged over Christmas.  We've had one bumpy road right after my dad died but things are finally back on track.  I accidentally saw evidence that the engagement is coming but I'm not sure when.  Don't worry I didn't see the actual ring!  I am trying to gear up for it and the wedding planning process without my dad.  I'm looking forward to our family having something to celebrate.  We've buried 3 close relatives this year.  My dad, my uncle, and an uncle in-law.  Along with a cousin being diagnosed with a rare form of cancer, she's doing well but there is no cure for the form of cancer she has so she's just battling it out with her husband and 3 young kids.  We need a wedding, we need some fun.  But it's going to be gut wretching to plan it without him and to not have him with me in person that day.

I've already decided if we ever have a boy I'd like to name him William for my dad and my boyfriends dad who also died and was named William.  But we could nickname him Liam instead of Bill as both our dad's were.

So now, I'll get through the holidays and hopefully a much much better 2008 is ahead.  I'm glad to see you are hanging on like me.  It's crazy that 4 months have gone.

Take care,

Denise

[4froggies]

I do remember having spoken with you, it has been awhile since I was on the boards, I kind of stay away sometimes because it is easier for me to avoid than to deal with it all.

You have a good memory.

My husband and I are doing well, things have been tough at times, he says I am meaner than i used to be, which I can't say I disagree with. I get really jealous, kind of petty and a little overbearing at times, but I know it is all because of dealing with dad.  We just moved into the house we had built last week and I was really hating the situation because his dad was over helping us with a lot of stuff and all I could think about was how I didn't have a dad and how he would never see what I had accomplished....ridiculous I know, but I end up lashing out in anger because I am thinking things like this..

A wedding and marrage IS something to celebrate.  I was ready to cancel our wedding as I was so devistated, but I instead did it in honor of my dad knowing that he would have been heartbroken to know that ruined it in any way.  I am sure your father would have felt the same way....

A very good friend of mine is from England. He came to the States just days after my dad passed and I met her dad the day after I buried mine.  She and I became such close friends one night at a party because we were talking about how close we were to our dads and we instantly connected over it....long story short--I hope you find strength in this--upon first meeting her dad, he said he was sorry to hear of my loss and of course I said the whole "it's ok" thing....he then said to me "being a father myself, I know that your father would never have left this world had he not known that you were with exactly who you should be with and that you were safe".  That is what gave me the strength to go on with the wedding. Knowing that my dad never would have left me in a bad spot, because that is just how deep a father's love is....

Honoring your father in your son's name is a great tribute. I am allowing my brother to have that honor (my brother is already a Junior).  I am going to have all my kids initials be BRC (my last name is Cyrek) as my dad's name was Bruce.  So it is kind of my silent tribute to my dad's memory. 

Good to speak with you again, drop me an email if you ever want to talk.  I love talking wedding stuff, so if you need help....!

 

Michele

 

[ownedby3]

It's funny your husband says you are meaner.  That's exactly what Brian said to me in October when I think I bottomed out over everything.  He said I snap at every little thing. I finally said I snap at EVERYONE and I hate EVERYONE right now.  I hate life right now.  And right now I need to feel what I feel and it's nothing against him, I love him still but I'm having a really tough time.  I got so mad at everything I just wanted to move out and leave.  I'm good at running away.  But instead, I went away for a week to Vermont with my mom and spent time with her and my aunt.  It was just what I needed and very relaxing.

I am now working out again, doing pilates and I started acupuncture for stress.  The acupuncture has helped a lot.  I also read this book called 90 Minutes in Heaven which is a true story about a guy who goes to heaven for 90 minutes but comes back.  It was very good and made me feel a little better though I am not sure how true it really is.  Oh then I bought a book on getting back my spirit.  So I've done a lot of work on ME lately, which I haven't done since the last year my dad was dying.  I am in some small way starting to live again and like you not around here as frequently.

I'll keep you posted on things on the wedding front.  Thanks for posting what your friends dad said.  That's very nice and just brought a tear to my eyes.

Denise