Loss of a Father

[cindyinalaska]

Hi Tara,

It's been a few days since I've been on. I just got back from Anchorage last night. Mark had his final surgery on his foot...he's doing great. I managed to get all of the girls' school clothes shopping done while I was there, which is good since school starts on Monday!! Tara, I'm so happy to hear that you can start planning for a baby!!! That's so exciting! And...good for you going to the appointment alone!! I know how hard that must have been...I still hate doing things by myself! I'll have to make this short, we have nothing in this house to eat...I better get to the store. I'll talk to you soon, Cindy

[alex329]

hey cindy............i had to go to the market today also...........the house was empty!!!! i had to fast on thurs night and had my colonoscopy on friday morning..............all is ok with that.................so today i had to get out to the market and stock up...............i didnt before because i knew i had to fast and didnt want anything here to eat!!!!!!!!!!!!! so were all good now...............im glad mark is doing well...............i have also started school shopping but we dont start until sept 6th here in ny..................so i do it little by little,,,,,,all of joeys school supplies is done........over 100.00 later.............thats insane to me...........and we have two pairs of "yankees " sneakers that he had to have..............so now just the clothes we have to get............probably next weekend.............and he starts soccer soon for 8 weeks..............he loves it!!!!!!!!!!! its cool to watch him play............i hate the heat so for me soccer is a fun sport where i can relax and be cool at the same time...........hi lynn thanks for writing to me that helps alot...............im really really trying and i think its working!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!of course its till hard as you all know but im doing better and im feeling better............so i will just push myself everyday to get by..................joey said to me today ........i miss gramps..........he always played street baseball with us..........i said joey you go play and he will be there with you.................and he did go play.............it was very sad................but ikep telling him that "grandpa al" is watching you always..............you were his best friend and he loved you more than life...............hes with you..........i really do think my dad loved joey more than his own 6 children............he was obsessed with him.............he loved him like crazy.............they were best buddies...........so hopefully my dad does watch over him like i tell joey he does...............i wish i knew for sure but i cant............but we will keep the faith and pray that hes around us always......................nite all...............tara

[ownedby3]

Last night I had a wedding and it was an extremely tough night for me. Of course I left the room during the father/daughter dance. And made it through the rest of the reception ok. I got back to our hotel room and just cried. Today I'm crying a lot. I miss you a lot today dad. Hope you are enjoying heaven, I wish you could have stayed here with me longer. See you some day!

[mariposa]

alwaysdaddysgirl,

No nobody says anything about the pictures. My mom has pictures up and so does my sister. Before my dad passed away he had won a trip over the radio to go anywhere in the world. He won that trip a couple of months before he passed. The radio station sent the recording of him on the radio to my mom. Now that is really hard for me to hear. We played it at the reception following the services. It was so hard to hear. My mom use to play it all the time. Each time I would hear it I'd be in tears but as for the pictures..it does make me sad but it's comforting also to see them.

[mariposa]

Ownedby3,

I'm so sorry about the wedding. I could just imagine how hard it was for you. I've been feeling especially sad this past week. I miss my dad so much. At one point I was in tears for four days in a row! Does that mean I'm depressed? When will I feel better?! Next month it will be a year since he died.

[mariposa]

lynnny,

Yes I remember chatting with you. So it's normal then. What were going through. I can't get my dad out of my head either. I've been getting anxiety too that it makes me feel ill. I keep getting stomach aches. Sometimes I just sit there in tears and it's so very overwhelming and I feel empty then numb.

[mariposa]

Elly1234,

Elly alwaysdaddysgirl is right. Don't feel guilty. I think we feel that because we're still alive and we can't help but to feel things and to deal with other things in our lives because as hard as it is life goes on. So please don't feel guilty. I'm sorry about your day.

P.S.. Sorry everyone. I put up 4 posts instead of posting it all in one. It's because I kept going back and reading everyone's posts.

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

alwaysdaddysgirl,

No nobody says anything about the pictures. My mom has pictures up and so does my sister. Before my dad passed away he had won a trip over the radio to go anywhere in the world. He won that trip a couple of months before he passed. The radio station sent the recording of him on the radio to my mom. Now that is really hard for me to hear. We played it at the reception following the services. It was so hard to hear. My mom use to play it all the time. Each time I would hear it I'd be in tears but as for the pictures..it does make me sad but it's comforting also to see them.

I that's lovely that you have his voice on tape, but also hard at the same time, I have a video of my Dad's 50th suprise birthday, I still can't watch it yet and its been a year now since I lost my Dad.

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

Last night I had a wedding and it was an extremely tough night for me. Of course I left the room during the father/daughter dance. And made it through the rest of the reception ok. I got back to our hotel room and just cried. Today I'm crying a lot. I miss you a lot today dad. Hope you are enjoying heaven, I wish you could have stayed here with me longer. See you some day!

Ah bless you, you sound like you are having a tough day.

I sent you a hug, I hope you felt it!!

Special occasions are always hard, but you've got through it, well done honey!!

WEddings are always tough, I have my brothers in 12 days time, I just hope I can hold it together, especially as my hormones are all over the place with the pregnancy!!

Look after yourself

I'm sending you another great big hug

I hope it helps alittle bit

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alwaysdaddysgirl

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Michelle

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[lynnny]

mariposa-

not sure if it is normal but good to know we are going through the same thing and not alone......i just don't know what is normal these days....in one week it will be a year and i feel like i am doing the final countdown again.....it was last year on this date we were told he had a week to live.

so now everyday this next week i will just be thinking about what was going on last year....the one thing i do remember is, how much pain he was in and how we know he is ok....

also, about pictures around the house. we all have pictures of dad around. it took me the longest to put up pictures. I do have some up now but i would not say i look closely at them. i know they are there but i do not focus on them because i will cry.

thanks everyone for listening and being there (virtually) for me : )

[alex329]

hi all..............im just checking in with you............havent seen any posts from my friends lately, and i just wanted to make sure your all ok tonight.................i do worry about myself alot but i also read these posts and these stories stick in my mind............they are so sad ...........as my story is sad also but alot of these new posts sound so much worse than mine did................like the wedding story...........i had my dad at my wedding and thank god i have it on dvd.........that was the last time he was recorded and that was 1995!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but its very cool to watch ,although i havent in awhile, i will eventuaLLy..........just all of these new sad stories bother me...............it just never ends,,,,,,,,,,someone is always dying!!!!!!!!!! i hate it............today is 8 months that my dad collapsed on his kitchen floor and was in a come for 3 more days after that and died on 12/26/06...............he died of a brain anurism............sudden and quick and i cannot get over it...............im trying my best but im all messed up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sudden death is not a good thing,i cannot deal with it................i just hope i will be better soon.................im ok,but not great..............i can only try my best and move on ,but its soooooooooo hard for me.................my dad and i were so close..........my heart feels empty..............and i feel lost some days...........like.......how can he not be here?????????????? ever again??????????? it just doesnt register in my mind that i will never see him or hear him again...................i cant help it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want my daddy back..................i was the baby of 6 kids and im of course having the hardest time with his death..................ive been to counseling and it helps somewhat but i really do believe now that only time can fix my pain..............it does get a little easier as the months pass by............but i still hurt...................i will talk to all of you soon........................nite tara

[ownedby3]

I was having a good week until Wednesday night when I had a good cry in bed before I fell asleep. Then last night I was crying too. I really miss him and wish I could still visit and spend time with him and just tell him one more time I love him.

Then my mind was going because I know my boyfriend and I are going to be engaged very soon and I some how have to figure out a way to be happy and to plan a wedding. I had dreams of a big wedding and a traditional wedding. And now don't want a wedding if my dad can't be here. My dad has been with me for all major events in my life, graduation, etc. and the biggest moment of my life and he's not going to be here for just sickens me. The thought of it instantly makes me cry. We had a wedding in a totally different church last weekend and just being in the church made me cry. And then they sung Ave Maria. That made me cry and reminded me of his funeral. Then I know I want my mom to walk me down the aisle but she brought up my dad's brother (my uncle) who I am close with. Thinking my dad would have wanted him to walk me down...I want my dad, not my mom, not my uncle. IT JUST SUCKS and I HATE IT!

Maybe I can convince our families to have a destination wedding, though that's never what I wanted either. I dread having to be happy when my dad's dead, perhaps that's why my boyfriend is holding off on the proposal. He probably knows I'm not in the right place right now. And people get all excited and ask "are you engaged are you engaged" and I just glare at them and say "no it's really not the right time". Why is all this constantly on my mind anyway?!

[mofirefly]

Hi All - Haven't posted in what seems like forever - but reading just now I wanted to post my thoughts on how it is hard to have happy thoughts while we are so very unhappy. I don't think anyone can explain how difficult this is...but it happens so very much. We seem to feel guilty for feeling good and all of us know that the loved ones we are missing so terribly would never want us to continue to be sad. We will ALWAYS miss them - but we need to try very hard to remember them at times when they too were feeling happy and smiling and even laughing so that we can be happy, smile and perhaps laugh as well. At some point I do believe the memories of past good times can overshadow the ones of our time of loss (which will always be there) - we just need to try our best to refocus on the good. I'm in no way saying this is easy - in about two weeks it will have been two years since my mom was killed in a car accident and it's been 6 1/2 years since I lost my dad. There are times that the only way I can deal with it is to think of them being on a trip and having a great time together and that I'll be hearing from them soon - I have to force myself not to think about the fact that I have no idea when we'll be together again and that it will be in an entirely different way. I do hope each and everyone who has found there way to these boards will be able to continue on this journey of saddness and along the way feel that the burden of loss is lighter. Take care!

[mindy10]

Hi everyone. Here is poem I gave my mom a while back and it brought her some comfort. It might of been posted here before but I thought I would post it again. I know how hard it is to be without your loved one but remember they are always with us and I do beleive that. Mindy

I Remember

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.

I could see that you were crying. You found it hard to sleep.

I whispered to you softly as you brushed away a tear,

"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."

I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,

You were thinking of the many times your hands reached out to me.

I was with you at the shops today. Your arms were getting sore.

I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.

I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care.

I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there.

I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.

I gently put my hand on you, I smiled and said "It's me."

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.

I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.

It's possible for me to be so near you everyday.

To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."

You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...

in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning

and say "Good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning light"

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,

I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.

I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.

Be patient, live your journey out... then come home to be with me.

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

I was having a good week until Wednesday night when I had a good cry in bed before I fell asleep. Then last night I was crying too. I really miss him and wish I could still visit and spend time with him and just tell him one more time I love him.

Then my mind was going because I know my boyfriend and I are going to be engaged very soon and I some how have to figure out a way to be happy and to plan a wedding. I had dreams of a big wedding and a traditional wedding. And now don't want a wedding if my dad can't be here. My dad has been with me for all major events in my life, graduation, etc. and the biggest moment of my life and he's not going to be here for just sickens me. The thought of it instantly makes me cry. We had a wedding in a totally different church last weekend and just being in the church made me cry. And then they sung Ave Maria. That made me cry and reminded me of his funeral. Then I know I want my mom to walk me down the aisle but she brought up my dad's brother (my uncle) who I am close with. Thinking my dad would have wanted him to walk me down...I want my dad, not my mom, not my uncle. IT JUST SUCKS and I HATE IT!

Maybe I can convince our families to have a destination wedding, though that's never what I wanted either. I dread having to be happy when my dad's dead, perhaps that's why my boyfriend is holding off on the proposal. He probably knows I'm not in the right place right now. And people get all excited and ask "are you engaged are you engaged" and I just glare at them and say "no it's really not the right time". Why is all this constantly on my mind anyway?!

As you said your Dad was always there to share big events and congratulate you and be proud of you and you want to hear him say these things to you when you get engaged, he would be the most excited out of everyone.

Have you heard the song 'take good care of my baby' When this played my Dad would sing this to me, everytime I hear it now it makes me cry.

As you know I got married on May 5th this year without my wonderful Daddy, I was dreading it to be honest, my little brother walked me down the aisle which was very tough for him, I did a speech at the reception because I wanted to thank so many people but I also wanted to mention my Dad.

in the run up to the wedding I found it very difficult to get excited because the person who was most excited about his daughters special day was my Dad.

I found the dress and called my Dad to ask him to come and have a look, he said he wanted to wait until the wedding day, he wanted a suprise, he never got to see me in my dress or walk me down the aisle(i'm crying my eyes out writing this) I really don't get why he was taken from me when he was, my little brother is getting married next Saturday too, he missed out on both his childrens weddings and now his first Grandchild too.

My Mum is really finding it tough at the moment, it was a year ago on Friday that we buried him and she had a really bad dat that day.

Surely this will get easier soon, Its been a year!

Mindy10 that poem is beautiful, I will be sending a copy to my Mum and Brother

Thinking of you ALL

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alwaysdaddysgirl

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[ownedby3]

Hi Michelle, thanks for your reply. I just wanted to send you happy wishes for your brothers wedding this weekend. Do everything you can to have a good time because that's what your dad would have wanted. I'm sure he'll be watching from above and smiling down on you all. And if nothing else cutting up the dance floor with you all!

Denise

[alex329]

HI ALL..........IM JUST CHECKING INTONIGHT WITH ALL OF MY BI FRIENDS...............I HOPE ALL IS WELL TONIGHT WITH ALL OF YOU..............IM DOING SOMEWHAT BETTER THESE DAYS BUT BY NO MEANS AM I "BETTER" I AM JUST GOING ON WITH EVERYDAY LIFE AND TRYING TO HANG ON THE BEST THAT I CAN...................I MISS MY DAD TERRIBLY AND NOT A SECOND GOES BY WITHOUT ME THINKING OF HIM...............MAYBE THAT CHANGES IN TIME BUT FOR RIGHT NOW THATS HOW IT IS FOR ME.................SUNDAY WAS 8 MONTHS AND IM STILL HAVING A HRAD TIME WITH HIS SUDDEN DEATH,THEY SAY 8 MONTHS IS NOTHING.....................SO I GUESS IM WHERE I SHOULD BE............I HOPE SO ANYWAYS..................ITS JUST SO SAD TO ME,I WILL NEVER HEAR HIM CALL MY NAME FROM OUTSIDE MY BEDROON WINDOW WHILE HE WAS WALKING HIS DOG BELLA..............HE LOVED HER SO MUCH...............BUT HE WAS AT MY HOUSE EVERYDAY ,SEVERAL TIMES A DAY...........HE LIVED TWO HOUSES AWAY FROM ME............SO IM REALLY MISSING HIM ON A DAILY BASIS.................ITS EXTREMELY HARD MOST DAYS BUT I HAVE BEEN MOVING ON THE BEST THAT I CAN.....................WELL I HOPE YOUR ALL OK TONIGHT................I THINK OF YOU OFTEN AND HOPE LIFE IS BETTER FOR YOU..........................NITE TARA

[lynnny]

Hi everyone-

well monday was a year that my dad has been gone. wow time really flies and it's weird how i just reflect on what we were doing this time last year. I had a ton of anxiety the weeks before but monday was just really sad....i looked through pictures and spoke to my mom and sister about dad.....

well i hope everyone is doing ok and having a good week. lynn

[mindy10]

God do I hate these nights. My father has been gone a year and I still have these nights where I hysterically cry. My dad died of cancer and the terrible thoughts of the last months sometimes run through my head. All those days of going to see him and feeling sick to my stomach to see him the way he was. Being so scared to walk through the door because I knew how bad he was going to look as the days went on. Those thoughts of seeing a man that was half the weight of what he was before cancer. What brought it on was I was watching the Boston Red Soxs and me and my dad always watched them together. I remember right up until the last day he would still watch them and I remember feeling happy knowing he was doing what he liked best but now realizing he was so sick I dont even think he enjoyed it. Sometimes it drives me crazy of how he had to die. I wish I could remember all the happy memories and I sometimes do but those last days of his life where so bad and they always come back to haunt me even a year later. My thoughts go out to all of you who have lost a dad. Mindy

[ownedby3]

Hi Mindy, my dad also had cancer and died just about 2 months ago. I felt the same, I never knew what visiting him would mean on a day to day basis as the end. He got so skinny and fragile. But he never once stopped fighting. Even the day before they brought him to the ER with low blood pressure and decreased breathing he wanted to get up and go for a walk (though he didn't realize or forgot he was no longer able to walk). My dad was brought to the ER at 9am on Monday morning and he died at 6am the next morning. It all went so fast. My mom and I thought he knew the end was near because he had a tear streaming down his face when I finally got there from work. When they finally got him up to a room around 8pm that night I stayed with him til late and then went home to grab a few hours of sleep. But I fought myself and thought perhaps I should stay, I really didn't want him to be alone when he died. I told him I loved him and I'd see him in the morning, he couldn't talk at this point. Well I left and he died after my mom and I were fast asleep.

I woke at 2 am feeling like water had been splashed on me. I knew at 2am it was a sign, he was gone. The phone rang at 6am and my mom told me the news.

I just like you hate thinking about his end stage of cancer. He wasn't home for 6 months, he was at a rehab facility. Maybe we should have had him home. But he always protected us and I think in his worst times he always protected the two ladies in his life, even at the end. He watched golf and the Yankees til the end. But then one night asked why there wasn't football on, totally confused that it was summertime. I too am stuck remembering the last days, months. I hope it gets better, but I miss him SO much. My thoughts are with you too

[mariposa]

Ownedby3 and Mindy10,

I also lost my dad to cancer. He had it for 4 years. He was always in and out of the hospital but at the very end of his life he was in the hospital for 6 months then in hospice for a week. I took my vacation to be with him everyday while he was in the hospice. The day I went back to work when I got out of work my mom called me and told me to go to the hospice immediately. I went and all my family was there. I walked in his room and he was struggling to breathe. It was horrible. I felt so helpless. He went on like that for about an hour then he died. I to am replaying all those horrible memories of seeing him so sick. He was only 52 when he died! I am glad I was there though. When he passed away he was surrounded by his family...all his brothers and sisters, my mom, sister and I. At least we were the last ones to see him. It's such a horrible memory that is so indescribable but I'm just glad we were the last ones he saw. It will be a year in 2 weeks and I'm having such a hard time coping. Sadness lives in my heart and I feel so alone.

[mindy10]

Dear ownedby3. I had a similar situation when my dad passed on. I couldnt handle going down to see him take his last breath. I said my goodbyes two days before he passed on. All day he had the funny breathing. Everyone came to be with him but me and at 1:45am my mom told him I could not be there I was home with the baby and five min. later he passed on. Exactly at 1:55 I woke up from a sound sleep and looked around the room. At that moment my sister called to say he was gone. I beleive he came to say goodbye to me. So I believe your dad came to say goodbye to you to. Moments like that give me strength realizing there is a life after death and again someday we will be together again. My heart goes out to all or you that had to watch a love one suffer so much. Mindy

[mindy10]

Hi Mariposa. I know what you mean about the unbearable memories. Not only do we have to grieve for the one we lost and miss them but we also have to live with those unbearable memories of them suffering from cancer. Its very hard to live day by day without them. It feels like a piece of you is missing and it will never be the same. I do beleive life is never the same once you lose a parent. You can still go on and be happy on days and laugh and joke but they are always always on your mind. Its been a year and not a day goes by that I dont think of him and miss him and wish he could watch my daughter grow. Everyday she does a new thing and I think I wish dad could be here to see it. Life does go on but will never be the same. Mindy

[solemate]

Happy Fathers Day yesterday to Henry from his daughter Gayle - Dad I visited the Memorial Garden in Canberra where I arranged for your plaque to be fixed to the Returned Servicemans Section - It was lovely - many tears and my thoughts of you are still very raw. Love you heaps and miss you every day

[dollface]

It's been a rough couple weeks for me. My husband lost his grandmother on the 17th of August and it was really bad. She had been really sick and weak for so long. He spend that morning with her--3 hours. I didn't go because I had to get our son home for his nap. We had to go out that night to celebrate my husband and my sisters birthdays. His mother called at 11:30 and grandma was gone. How could we have gone out and had fun when grandma was struggling to breath????????

So, we get through all of the services--we have to leave on vacation on the 24th. That went pretty well until the 30th--Daddy's birthday. I picked up my glass in one hand and my son in the other and we did a happy birthday toast as a family to him and I LOST IT! All I could think about was how I saved up for so long one year to buy him that White Sox jersey--or the last birthday card I got him--------on the front....Little girls need their Daddy's---------on the inside.......Even when they're all grown up. Now I need him more than ever and he's not here to talk me through my life. Not here to be a Grandfather to my son. I knew this was going to be tough, but my goodness--this really sucks!

Now, in a couple of days will be the date we celebrated his last birthday. I thought I'd been doing so good over these last 4 1/2 years. Now I'm having this set-back--I DON'T GET IT! Maybe it's because death has just simply surrounded me ALL summer. 3 friends lost parents, one of them also lost a brother in law, now grandma. I hope Grandma was the last to go for a while--I'm not sure how much more I can take.

[mindy10]

Sorry you had so much loss lately. I do think that puts you in a mood. I think even years later we will still miss our father. I still cry hysterically somedays and mine dad has been gone a year. Life is just not the same without them and never will. We will still laugh and joke but there will always be that piece of us missing. I tell my husband its like there is a whole in my heart now. What stinks is as life goes on we will keep losing ones we love and I dont know how I can handle that. I have a 2 1/2 year old and she is what keeps me going. I talk to her about my dad all the time. I want her to remember him. When I show her pictures she still says thats papa. He was sick and he is now up in the sky. I hope your days get better. Mindy

[Guest Guest]

Hi everyone,

My name is Khadija and I'm new to this website so I hope you'll bear with me. I lost my dad 7 months ago, to a massive asthma attack. I think I'm still in shock because although I knew my dad had asthma, he had hidden the severity of his illness from my sister and I. I miss him every single day. There are still times when I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, it hurts that badly. I know I'm getting better because when he first died I cried HYSTERICALLY every single day and had to withdraw from classes for the semester. Well, I'm back in college full time and I also work part time. I'm abstaining from alcohol right now because I want to make sure that I never turn to liquor to ease my pain but... for the past month now I've been eating everything in sight and I think I'm doing this because I'm so incredibly lonely (my roommate/best friend has been out of the country for the past month). I try to work out everyday and that helps a lot but after school and work I come home to an empty house and THAT'S when the pain of losing my dad hurts me even more (and that's when the binge eating begins). Do you think what I'm feeling is normal? Thank you very, very much for listening. Please take care everyone and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Best,

Khadija

[oilyducks]

Hey everyone,

my dad died 11 months ago today, this very day i held his hand while he took his last breaths. I miss him more now then i ever have before. He was diagnosed with cirrohosis a long time ago, but i found out about it at the end of last august, i took care of him, spent everyday at the hospital and traaveled back and forth from school, i got him on health insurance and extra money because he was broke. I was responsible for everything, i feel like it is my fault he died because i screwed up. I just want him here with me, i dont want it to be a year next month, i jsut want everythign to be normal i wish that it could. does this feeling ever go away??????

[cryingeyes]

It has been a very long time since I posted. Dad died over year and a half ago.

The only thing I can say....is I am still learning to live without him, and yes I have some good memories and remember funny quotes he used. But I still miss him and I do still remember those last moments and those last breaths.

Miss you Daddy. I keep telling myself all of the suffering that he endured was not who he was. He was generous and kind and a good, good person.

Life is a gift. His life was a gift from God. I could never have asked for a better more perfect person than the man he was. I do not apologize for still grieving. I embrace it. One day, some day I will see him again. When it is my time. I hope I am honoring his memory-sometimes I wonder. Then I say-every thing will be alright. It will.

[alex329]

hi everyone..............im doing somewhat better these days ...........much better than a few months ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! candy and cindy and jackie............i hope all is ok with your families tonight.............i check here often but i do not see my bi friends..............maybe thats a good sign..as i am not on as much either............trying to keep busy and working on another baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so i will hope to hear from you guys soon...........im so sorry fro all these new entries as they are going thru a hard time,and i still am going thru it..........just a little bit less pain..............dont get me wrong,im still a mess without my dad....................it just seems i can breathe on most days...........when before i couldnt even do that.............its an awful thing losing your dad,especially when your daddy little girl like me and so many others.................and it was so sudden for me,im still trying to get it thru my head that he is not here.....................i just cannot wrap that around my brain yet(9 months later) i just cannot do it.................i miss him so much and still wait to see him at my front door calling me like he did everyday for years.....................................he lived two house away from me and he was here all the time..................i just cant handle it yet...........................but im better than i was............so there is hope for you all...............nite and take care.................tara

[cindyinalaska]

Hi Tara,

I'm so happy that your doing better....I think I am too. It's so wonderful that you are trying for another baby! Let us know as soon as you find out that a new bundle of joy is on the way!

I havent been on here as much as I used to...yes, I think it's a good sign...that maybe my heart is beginning to heal. I do come by here often to read the posts, but I haven't posted on here for awhile. I can't believe that its been nine months for us since our wonderful dads passed away. Some days I still think I am in complete denial..like you said, it was just so sudden...for both of us. I wonder if this is the beginning of the acceptance phase of grief?? I don't know.

I know there are going to be plenty of bad days to come, but hopefully there will be more good days than bad ones. The holidays are what I am dreading the most....especially Christmas. My dads favorite holiday was Christmas...he loved it. It will be a tough December for both of us. I'm just so glad that I met you here on BI...together we can get through this first year mark.

I hope all is well with you and your family tonight.

I'll talk to you soon, Cindy

[mofirefly]

Tara & Cindy - I'm so glad I stopped in to check posts tonight and saw one from each of you. Been VERY busy myself but think of you two often. Now all we need is to hear from Jackie. For you two it's been nine months, for me last Sat was two years...Yes the good days are more than the bad, but unfortunately there are still bad days...but you learn to live with them and try really hard not to dwell on them. I thought when I hadn't seen posts from you two that perhaps you were emailing each other instead. I too have noticed how many more posts there are and sometimes feel bad that I haven't had a chance to connect with them and then wonder if I should leave the boards and try to stay in touch by email....but the boards are still such a place of comfort for me that I can't - so I apologize to anyone I upset by coming on here to simply say Hi to those I have connected with here in cyber space. To each and everyone who is traveling on this road of loss, watch you step, there are plenty of potholes, but the trip is one that is taken by many, each in our own way and at our own speed. TAKE CARE ALL!

[jackiewitter]

Tara & girls! I cannot tell you how excited I am about the efforts on the baby. My daughter had a baby 2 weeks before my baby brother died and I cannot tell you how that precious child saved my life! He brought so much joy to me at such a dismal time.

I spent the past weekend telling my youngest son goodbye. He is leaving for Iraq the end of this month, this was his last trip home before he leaves. His brother and sisters spent time with him all weekend and it was very nice to have all my kids together. They are all very close in age (26, 24, 22 & 19) and it just warmed my heart to see them interact. There were many tears shed this afternoon, but I will always remember the lunch we had today, watching the kids share food and laugh.

mofirefly, I read where you just went though your 2nd year I hope that you managed through. Sometimes it seems like this has been for the longest journey and then there are days that it seems like yesterday. I agree that I am at a point where there are more good days than bad. I do not feel quite ready to leave the boards yet. I find such comfort when I can help someone else, and I do care so much about so many of you here. All the girls that have prayed for me and comforted me from the siblings board and then the precious people that I have here as well. I am sure at some point I will be ready to leave but it's not now. I hope you do not feel compelled to leave because there are so many new people. You have been a source of comfort for me and you can continue to do that for others.

Please would the three of you say a special prayer for my son. He is doing what he thinks he should be doing as so many young men in Iraq believe. After loosing my brother so suddenly, it's easy for fears to creep in and crowd my mind.

Hope the coming week is good to all of you and you find comfort. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[alex329]

HE WE ARE STILL HERE.........THANKS FOR CHECKING IN..........CINDY,CANDY AND JACKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WERE ALL OK AND THATS GREAT BUT WE MUST KEEP IN TOUCH LIKE THIS..............I MISS YOU ALL SO MUCH.............BUT ONCE IN AWHILE I JUMP ON TO SEE HOW YOUR ALL DOING AND IM GLAD ITS GOOD NEWS FOR ALL OF US...............JACKIE I WILL SAY A PRAYER FOR YOUR SON.................I KNOW THE FEELING ,MY BROTHER IS 46 AND MAY BE DEPLOYED ONCE AGAIN TO IRAQ...................MY POOR MOTHER,HOW SHE WORRIES......ITS NOT AN EASY THING TO GO THRU,WE WORRIED SO MUCH WHEN HE WAS THERE BEFORE.................ITS SO CRAZY BUT THATS WHAT THEY WANT TO DO.............I GUESS.....................i wish all of life was just hapy and no sadness but i have learned the hard way that is not possible..................for example..............a 32 yr old girl died the other day in my hometown due to complications from a c-section!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the baby lived but she died................our whole town is so disturbed by this,how could this happen????????????? why her????????????? so now the father has to raise this baby and a 6yr old by himself.........................its so very sad, why does this happen to good people??? they were all in the waiting room waiting for a new baby and then the mother dies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just cannot get my mind around that........................its so very sad............................what we all go thru is very sad................................i wish i could take all of our pain away but i cant..............it does hurt to much too often....................................i amm so glad to hear from all of my bi friends......................nite girls...............love tara

[cindyinalaska]

UGHH....I just lost my LONG post!!! I'll have to re-write it!!Tara are you still on here???

[cindyinalaska]

WOW...Jackie and Candy!! You have no idea how happy it made me to see that you both posted here tonight!! I just want to thank you both from the bottom of my heart for helping me thru these past nine months. I really don't know what I would have done without you both! You always had just the right words of comfort that helped me get through the darkest days of my life. You are both such a blessing! The two of you have been there for Tara and I since the beginning...even though I havent met the three of you in person, I consider you all wonderful friends. Please continue to post...I will too...I think I am coming to a point where I can be there for someone else as you have been for me. I still have my bad days, but I am having more good than bad lately...I hope that will continue.

Jackie, I want you to know that I will be praying for your son while he is in Iraq. My best friends husband went to Iraq last year. I prayed for him every night and worried about him every day. I thank god that he came home safely this past November. My husband is also in the military... so far there are no plans for them in Iraq, but you just never know..things change daily in the Military. If you feel comfortable with giving me your sons address while he is in Iraq, I would love to send him some care packages from North Pole Alaska!! Let me know what you think! And please remember that we are here for you when you need us!! Talk to you soon, Cindy

Tara...I'm so sorry about the girl who died. It's just so sad! What a shock to hear that someone has died so young and while having a c-section. I just feel so horrible for her and her family.

[nickche]

Jackie,

My heart goes out to you as you say goodbye to your son. I have a son in his 20s and I can only imagine what you must be feeling. From reading your previous posts you are an incredibly strong woman with a strong faith. Prayer is so powerful and has gotten my through some very difficult times in my life. I will pray for your son and trust that God will keep him safe. He also has lots of guardian angels watching over him.

Thank you for always being there for others. We are here for you.

[kyle34]

I haven't posted here in a while but I'm still having a hard time trying to deal with the loss of my father. It's hard to grieve for someone that hated you and treated you like ****. He abused me when I was a child and that continued until I was in my teenage years. My siblings don't understand because he treated them great and my mom just tried to make excuses for him. They think it was all my fault and how I acted. I never new when I came home if I was going to get a beating or not. He always took me to the garage and my mom and siblings knew what he was doing but just ignored it. How can a father hate their own child?

[jackiewitter]

Hi all, it's really good to see you all here. I cannot tell you how much comfort I get from coming here and talking with friends who know exactly how I feel, whether it be crappy, scared or elated that I managed to get through a day without tears! Talking to each of you, Candy, Cindy & Tara has been a great blessing.

It's funny I had never posted here before because the loss of my father was such a peaceful event that I never had the grieving as I did with Mom or with my brother. I just happened to run across Tara one night and it broke my heart. Blessed Tara, there are things that simply are not for us to understand. When I had my oldest daughter there was a young girl in the opposite room from mine, I was not so patiently waiting for a cesarean when she had a heart attack and died. How hard it is to celebrate the birth of my first child when at 20 years old I was right across the room from someone close to the same age just suddenly gone. You go in for a joyous event and then die??? How much since does that make? I struggle with the same thing so often. Especially when I hear on the news of gang members and murderers hurting someone, and I just wonder "What were you thinking God? Jeffrey wasn't hurting anyone, why didn't you just take one of those low life pieces of crap?" Then I have to remember I can't even figure out how to use all the features on my cell phone, what do I know about ruling a universe? You have to know in your heart that He is controlling all things; even when we feel like they are spinning out of control.

Cindy, please send me your email address, mine is in my profile. Please do not feel obligated to send him a care package, but a postcard or something would be great! As soon as I get his address I will forward it to you. Thank you again for the prayers, I cannot begin to tell you how much that means to me. All my children have very strong faith, so when you tell one of them that you are praying for them, it means a lot. His older brother bought a New Testament that would fit in his pocket so that he could have it with him all the time. Don’t misunderstand at all, I have raised four rowdy teenagers…I know what it’s like to have police at your door or find things in their room that could get them in a ton of trouble, or skipping school; but all four of them have always held onto and come back to their faith. So when I tell Ben you are praying for him, it will mean a great deal to him. And the same grateful heart to you to Nickche.

I have rambled on enough, I would like to address Kyle34 as well, but I will have to pray about it. I don’t want to jump up and say something without sincere thought and prayer. I hope you are able to find some peace. I used to tell my kids that when they get hurt by someone, it only provides better understanding and compassion on their part so that one day they can help someone else who has been hurt; while they may have learned to be more compassionate, it really didn’t help their feelings at the time, so I will be cautious not to say anything to you that would further your pain. I will however pray for you if you don’t mind.

Peace and blessings all.

Jackie

[ownedby3]

Hi everyone, I haven't posted in awhile. It was 2 months on Monday my dad died, then 6 years for 9/11 (I was 2 blocks away) so what a week. I feel like my life is spinning out of control and I don't know who this person is. I have been fighting with my boyfriend for the past two weeks and have gotten so fed up I've thought about moving out. We hardly talk, I am always annoyed with him and I'm not sure my feelings are valid at all. I know I'm being totally unfair but I don't care. I am trying to do things for me again but I really just go through the motions. When does this terrible feeling end? When will I feel like myself again? Right now I feel like Cybil from that movie. They crying has stopped for now, but it's changed to me just being nasty and short. And mainly Brian gets the wrath of me. Any ideas of what to do before I not only lose my dad but my boyfriend too?

[mofirefly]

Ownedby3 - My only thought is if you could talk to Brian sometime when things are a tiny bit under control emotionally - and try to let him know that you aren't sure why you are acting the way you are because you don't have control of yourself right now. Anger is very much a part of loss - and it is very hard to figure out what to do with that emotion. Many of us on the boards have written that we've been told we were short-tempered with those around us - but it just doesn't seem to get thru to people that when you've lost someone you love - you are angry - and that emotion has to come out - and if they will just try their best to realize that they are simply getting bombarded with things that you have to throw out but that you really don't mean. As for when does the feeling end????sadly no one can say. We each have to deal with this loss in our own way. It's been said you shouldn't make any drastic decisions while so hurt and lost in pain - so please try to realize that even tho nothing makes any sense to you and you truly feel your are spinning out of contol that you are in no way completely lost. Many others have gone down the same crazy road you are now traveling. Have you thought of letting Brian read your posts - as sometimes writting down your feelings and then having someone read them can get a message across more that speaking - since there are no interruptions. I do hope you have quieter days ahead. Take care.

[cindyinalaska]

Hi Jackie,

I would love to send your son a little something from Alaska. It makes me feel good to help make the day of a soldier "over there" a little bit brighter. If I could send something to all of them, I would!:0) I think a package from the States will help the soldiers remember how much they are appreciated and missed. If you are comfortable with this, just let me know the address when he gets it. (I already have some ideas to put in a package for him)) My email is next to my name here on BI...I'll talk to you soon, Cindy

[alex329]

hi cindy and girls........that is so nice of you to send jackies son a care package..........im sure he would love it..........im just up checking my email after working tonight and just wanted to say hi to my bi friends.........hope all is good tonight with you girls and your families.........ill talk with you soon................nite tara

[suelowe]

Hi, sorry to jump in here, but ive been having dreams of my dad, think i had one of him last week, and one of him last week. Miss him loads. I dawned on me this morning that my dad can only communicate with me through dreams (he can through a photo too, but it's clearer through dreams), which sort of confirmed that he has gone over. He passed on 14 years ago!! i should be well awake with that by now! i suppose really i should face facts....or maybe i'm kidding myself. i should accept that my dad (and my mum) can talk to me or see me through dreams.

It's like when something's right under your nose (ie the fact a loved one has died) for a long time, yet your scared to face it, or you don't wanna face it, but somewhere along the line, (ie, not talking to them in person anymore cos they've passed on) you go 'oh yeah i never thought of that, so that's why that happens' and i'm either dozy or oblivious that this is the way it is. i hope i make sense.......

Sue x

[mindy10]

Okay has anyone seen this. My friend just sent it to me. Get the Klenex out.

[ownedby3]

Hi Sue, be very happy you are having dreams. I know I wish I was having dreams of my dad but that hasn't happened yet. I hope one day I'll see him in a dream.

Has anyone gone through the anger stage of grief? Someone told me I should do an exercise of going to a place where no one will hear or see you and just allow yourself to thrash out and allow yourself to tell your dad how angry you are that he's gone. And really let it rip from the bottom of your soul, yell and cry. I was wondering if anyone has tried this. I'm thinking I could probably use this right about now. Just wondering if you all have dealt with this any other way.

Thanks, hope you are all hanging in and doing ok.

Denise

[ownedby3]

I'm not sure how much death I can take. I was woken at 1am this morning my mom telling me my uncle was found on the bathroom floor unresponsive. He died. They think he may have had a stroke. My dad's brother, the one who was there all the time when my dad was sick and watched over us. Now he's gone too. Why would God take them both so soon? My dad only died 2 months ago. I just can't take it. I just can't.

[mofirefly]

Denise - I'm so very sorry you are having to endure yet another heartache of loss. There are no answers to the questions you have that would be of any help right now as your pain is all consuming. Please do your best to take care of you - meaning - let yourself rest whenever you need to as your body has been hit very hard and the physical results can be tremendous; try to refresh your spirit whenever possible by listening to music you enjoy or eating something that you enjoy because it is OK to enjoy some things even tho you are so unhappy...not sure that makes any sense...but please don't try to make sense of why this has happened as it may only add to your feelings of spinning out of control. PLEASE TAKE CARE.

[mariposa]

Ownedby3,

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your father and your uncle. My grandma passed away last year and 3 months later my dad died too. That was his mom that died and then him so soon!! You wonder how you'll get through it but believe me you find the strength. Somehow someway you find it. Even at the times when you feel like you have no strength to carry on you will because those times when you feel you're at your weakest and saddest time you're still healing even if you don't see it or feel it. Last week was a year since my dad died Time doesn't heal all wounds but it does make it more bearable. A little easier to deal with (just a little bit easier) Right now as I'm typing this I feel so very sad and I'm missing my dad so much but in a way I find hope...there has to be better days otherwise why am I here? I wish you all peace in your hearts. Miss you daddy so much!!!!!!!!!

[Guest Guest]

It's good to know that there is hope for the future...I just lost my dad in August, and 2 days later I started law school. I'm having so much trouble adjusting to it, and it doesn't seem like I'll ever get any better. He was only 56...and we don't even know how it happened. He was just found at his house after we didnt hear from him for a few days. Denise, I'm so sorry about your losses. I haven't tried anything for the anger part of it, but that does sound like a good idea to just let it all out. I'm struggling with that too because I have to keep it together all the time at school, and I need a way to release everything I keep bottled up throughout the day. I did try grief counseling, but it wasn't for me. I'm hoping that being on here will help a little.