Loss of a Father

[lilly511]

Hi Cindy,

I too am sorry for your losses. Kathleen gives the true, yet not good sounding, answer. Time. I lost my Dad in 2002, the first time I had lost a family member. Since then I have lost 3 more, and each time I reminded of Dad. It just takes time.

I also ask you all for your thoughts and prayers today. One of my co-workers who was so helpful to me when my daughter passed...her father has passed away. In just a year, she has lost her mother, brother, son, and now her father. Keep her in your thoughts.

Thanks,

John

[mofirefly]

Cindy - You've had so very much to deal with in such a short time. You asked "when does the shock wear off" - well it does eventually, but then you have to deal with everything while actually being more aware of it...don't want to scare you by saying that, it's just I feel I was in a state of shock for the first year and it has made the second year harder, simply because everyone thinks I should be better by now. Enough of that, just do you best to get thru each day (or minute or second for that matter). It does become more bearable, however there will be times when you may think you've made some headway, only to be set back....but please don't despair....this site is a place to come to and let our all your feelings and get support from others and I hope my rambling doesn't come across badly - I just reponded to the remark of when does the shock end - So please TAKE CARE!

[jackiewitter]

Cindy, like my other friends I too am so very sorry for your loss. That probably sounds cliche, but one thing that you will find here so many of the same pains you are going through and will go through, others have first hand knowledge of. I will address only one aspect of the pain you are going through and that is the abruptness of your fathers death. I will tell you one thing that a dear, dear friend from this site told me, regarding your father and the cause of his death, you may never know, and you may have to accept that. I know how very difficult that is. It seems in your mind if you can put a name or a reason to it, then it will help you accept it. I now believe that is untrue. I believe that the people who know how and why their loved ones passing are no better off than I am. I believe the people who had time to prepare are no better off than I am. When you love some one so dearly and they are taken from you either abruptly or from a lenghty illness in which you had time to say goodbye, the pain is still there and it is no less intense for someone who had time to prepare. It has been six months for me and there are days that are not as difficult, but then there are days that seem worse. I will pray for you and your family. I think you will find a great deal of comfort at this site, I know that I certainly have. To be able to talk openly with people who are experiencing many of the same things seems to help a great deal. Peace and bleessings to you and your family. Jackie

[jackiewitter]

Nickche, I understand your feelings about shopping for your father-in-law. Try not to be too hard on your husband. Like I said earlier, they don't get it. My husband simply cannot comprehend why I don't want to get out of bed. He just does not understand. I have tried to talk with him and most of the time it comes out blabber, I just sound like the person that needs to be put away. If I cannot explain it, how can I expect him to get it? I have tried to keep an open dialogue with my husband, even if it only be the words "I am sad today". He seems to have a little more patience when I tell him that I am not having a good day rather than just cry and expect him to understand. Actually most men are like that anyway, they would rather you just say "leave me alone", they don't really care to know why, just tell them what to do! The last thing that I want is to lose my marriage along with what I have already lost and I feel that there were times that I was periliously close. I wanted to leave, I just didn't have the energy for it. While dealing with my grief was at times all that my hands could handle, I had to realize that I have a husband and I have a family. I know some of the daily task seem unbearable and if they are, then don't do them. Explain to your husband that you cannot do them, short brief explanations work best! There are things that are unexplainable, like transferring my dead brothers phone numbers into my new phone. I am not ready to let go, so I hang onto what I have to. There are things I am not read to do yet, like clearing out his apartment, I will do that when I feel I am able to handle it. If you are like me, I try to please everyone, but this is a time when I simply cannot. I feel as if I am hanging on by a thread and what makes sense to me is what I do. I know the pain of missing those that you love, and the envy when someone has what you don't. My husband calls his father every two weeks. I told him once that if I had my Mom, Dad & brother back, I would call them daily. Heck, I would move them in with me! I hope you have found some comfort on this site. It has been a lifesaver for me, quite possibly literally. I will keep you in my thoughts and my prayers. Pease and blessings. Jackie

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Cindy, I am so sorry for your pain and loss--both losses in such a short time can be nothing less than devastating. Nothing anyone says really helps much in the beginning, but what does help is the feeling and knowing that you don't have to make this journey alone. There are so many out here who have suffered such great loss and pain, and every one of us is thankful to be led here to find people to walk with us, and to lend our hearts to walk alongside others that follow us in our grief.

I lost my son in a horrible accident. I don't know exactly what happened when he died or what led up to it, but I know the end result is that he just isn't here. That hurts so badly. I've talked often with my mom who lost her folks some years ago, and she still cries in silence for missing them so. The pain never goes away, but we learn to adapt in time to a different life, and we go on. One thing i am ever grateful for is that my son's death was quick. He did not suffer. I have a very close friend whose parent is dying a horrible slow death to cancer. It is so painful my words cannot even begin to describe. When I see this and reflect on my own situation, I can find comfort in just knowing Joey didn't suffer. I will never know on this side of life what happened, but I do know he is safe, free, and home in the loving arms of God. I hope and pray you can find a littel peace in knowing your dad did not suffer, and neither did your grand-dad. They just went according to the time that was chosen for them way before they were born. Our roadmaps in life are various lengths in time, but the destination is the same. How our end pans out is a mystery. Some of us are blessed and we go quietly and quickly. I pray I am one of those... God be with you and lift you up in His merciful love. Love & Hugs, Claudia

[twenty3]

Hi my name is Zach im 21 i have never talked to anyone about my fathers death and i think it is time i atleast share it with people who know my pain before i go crazy from having all these bottled up emotions. September 26 1997 my father died at the age of 42 from heart failure i had talked to him on the phone about 4 hours before he passed away we talked about everything and i think he knew it was his time because he kept telling my sister, brother and i how much we meant to him and that he loved us. The next morning we all found out that he had died two weeks later my sister ran away and i was left to fend for my 6 year old brother and i mom was working two jobs to support us so i didn't have anyone to talk to. 4 weeks later i lost my only living grandmother and grandfather still no one to talk to. so here i am now 21 and still haven't talked to anyone this is the first time i have let it out and as some of u had said the pain never goes away you just find different ways to cope or just bury it like i did so if anyone has any advice on how to deal with this pain or ways to talk about with family and friends please let me know im running low on life right now and i figured this might help to this day i still haven't been able to cry over the loss ive had does this make me a bad person?

[mofirefly]

Zach - In no way are you to consider yourself a bad person simply because you haven't cried over your loss! There are many people who have a lot of trouble letting their emotions loose, and since you've done such a good job of bottling yours up, they may stay that way. You've just now reached the age society considers being an adult...yet you have had to be the adult much sooner than you should have had to. Coming to this site is a great first step in "talking" about what happened and how you are dealing with stuff. There are many others who are traveling this lonesome road and we can gain a lot of help when we read each others stories and it can also help to encourage others. The pain unfortuneatly doesn't really "go away" but it does become something you learn to live with...but each person does so in their own way. At your age, you have so much to look forward to that this may be the time to try to put the past events into perspective...and I in no way mean forget that they have happened ok? I do feel as you share your thoughts, it eases the burden you have been carrying alone for too long. Take Care!

[jackiewitter]

Zach, hi there. My kids are close to your age, 26, 24, 22 & 18. We also have had several losses in our family recently and it has been quite difficult for my kids, especially my boys. I told all of my children about this site, I believe my youngest daughter has been reading but not ready to post yet. I would like to tell her about you if you don't mind. It has probably hit her the hardest, my father died on her sixteenth birthday and my brother died 15 minutes after her 18th birthday had passed. Her boyfriend is in Iraq now so she is struggling with emotions as well. Plus at 18 it's hard to put those things into perspective. I admire your ability to say how you feel. I hope you will return here and if you are comfortable, I will ask my daughter if she would like to email you. Take care and may you find peace and comfort. Jackie

[sylviac]

Nickche--hope you are doing okay on this rocky turbulent path--just wanted to say you are in my thoughts

[alex329]

HI EVERYBODY.....IVE BEEN READING ALL OF THESE AND AM GLAD TO KNOW IM NOT ALONE....................MY DAD DIED SUDDENLY THE DAY AFTER XMAS 06!!!! SO ITS ONLY BEEN TWO MONTHS............IM NOT DOING GOOD AT ALL....HE LIVED 2 DOORS DOWN FROM ME AND I SAW AND TALKED TO HIM AT LEAST 10 TIMES A DAY!!!!! MY 10 YEAR OLD JOEY WAS HIS BUDDY AND THEY PLAYED EVERYDAY SINCE HE COULD WALK.........MY HUSBAND JOE WAS ALSO VERY CLOSE TO MY DAD...LIKE BEST FRIENDS.........I HAVE 5 SIBLINGS AND WE ARE ALL VERY CLOSE ..I ALSO HAVE ALOT OF CLOSE GIRLFRIENDS I TALK TO EVERYDAY........AND MY MOM TOO.......BUT I AM THE BABY AND AM FEELING IT THE WORST OUT OF EVERYONE.........MY DAD HAD A BRAIN ANURYISM.......SO IT WAS QUICK.WE DID KEEP HIM ALIVE ON MACHINES FOR 3 DAYS UNTIL MY OLDER BROTHER WAS RUSHED HOME FROM KUWAIT TO SAY GOODBYE.........IT WAS THE WORST 3 DAYS OF OUR LIVES.......I CANT GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD AND NOW I HAVE ALL THIS PANIC AND ANXIETY ATTACKSLIKE IUSED TO HAVE A FEW YEARS AGO..........I FINALLY GOT IT UNDER CONTROL AND DOING GREAT AND NOW THIS...........WE WERE GOING TO TRY FOR ANOHTER CHILD BIT I HAVE TO PUT THAT ON HOL;D FOR A WHILE UNTIL I CAN GET THRU THIS MESS!!!!!!!!!!I LOST 2 BABIES LAST YEAR IN MISCARRAGES......IM SO SAD THAT MY DAD DIDNT GET TO SEE ANOTHER CHILD OF MINE........HE WAS WAITING FOR US TO TRY AGAIN AFTER XMAS...........SO NEEDLESS TO SAY IM A MESS!!!!!!!!! I MISS HIM TERRIBLY AND I CAN SEE HIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW AS I WRITE TO ALL OF YOU........THATS HOW CLOSE WE WERE..........MU UNCLE STILL LIVES THERE AND I GO OVER EVERYDAY TO CHAT WITH HIM...............MY DAD WAS ONLY 68!!!! BUT ANURYISMS RUN ON HIS SIDE OF THE FAMILY...........HE DIDNT KNOW HE HAD ONE...THANK GOD.........NONE OF US KIDS WILL GET CHECKED....WE DONT WANT TO KNOW EITHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY DAD WAS SOOOOOO SCARED OF DYING SO I FIND A LITTLE COMFORT IN KNOWING HE DIDNT KNOW IT WAS COMING!!!!!!!!!!! IM JUST MISSING HIM SOOO BAD AND HAVE THIS NERVOUS PROBLEMS TO DEAL WITH AS WELL.............ANYONE WHO CAN RELATE TO ME...PLEASE EMAIL ME................TARA

[nickche]

sylviac,

Thank you for thinking of me. I guess I am doing o.k. right now. I have kept myself so busy with work I wonder if I am masking my grief at times. I also feel I need to be strong for my mother. Things seem to hit me at the strangest times. I can talk to people about my father and his memorial service without losing it, they even start crying. But then I lose it in the middle of the grocery store or driving in my car for no apparent reason. Grief is unpredictable.

Sometimes I cry reading others posts on here and feeling their pain. This truly is a good place to come to at the end of the day without being judged for release of emotions.

[jc1030]

nickche,

Reading your post, I see myself and the grieving that I've been doing since my dad died.

You're right, the grief will hit you at the most unexpected times. I can't help but breakdown when I think or talk about four awful days or viewing his body at the funeral home before it was shipped off for cremation. Or remembering the last time I saw him before he had his stroke. It's hard for me to visit my mom because of all the things in the house that remind me of him. I try not to breakdown when I'm at work, especially since I have an overly cheerful boss that basically tells me in a nice and diplomatic way to get over it already.

It definitely takes time to begin accepting the loss. It's been almost 4 months, and I still I'm in shock as if it happened yesterday. I agree with you this is a very good place to talk things out.

Jeff

[cindyinalaska]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for replying to my post. It has meant so much to me to know that I am at a site where people really do understand what I am going through because you are there too. When I am feeling down I re-read your words and they bring me comfort and I know that I am not alone. I am trying not to dwell on not knowing why my dad passed away. I know that I will never know why...and that I have to accept that. It has been 9 1/2 weeks since my dad died...I'm taking it one day at a time. I miss him so much. I miss talking to him on the phone. This is the longest that I have been without talking to him. Knowing that I will never talk to him again breaks my heart. I have had dreams of him..and we are talking and laughing...they feel so real. Thank you all for your kind words and for your support. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Cindy

[mofirefly]

Jeffreyssister - Just read your post from 2/15 and wanted to respond to the mention of your husband only calling his dad every two weeks. I've lost both my parents, my husband still has his. If I didn't remind him to call them, I doubt if he would. They only live 10 miles away, and yet if I don't ask him if he wants to go see them, he never mentions it. I've had way tooooo many run ins with my in-laws to be close, but I have done my best to let my husband know he should be in touch with them more (they are 79 & 81 and not in very good health). At times I get so angry at all of them I can't stand to be around them. Then I realize I was so very fortunate to have a very close relationship with my parents. I had even planned on living in an apartment next door to my mom if anything happened to my husband (who has Parkinsons, same as my dad). I'm rambling, or I should say venting...but you remark about your husband brought out too much emotion in me today to just keep it bottled up, so I guess you could say I blew the cork. I'll close for now. Take Care!

[alex329]

HI EVERYONE..........IVE ALREADY TOLD MY STORY OF MY DAD.........BUT IM NOT DOING SO GOOD 2 MONTHS LATER ....I MISS HIN SOOOOOO BAD WE WERE VERY CLOSE............I HAVE ALL THESE HORRIBLE FEELINGS .......IM SCARED SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN TO MY MOM AND I REALLY WOULD FREAK OUT............SHE GOES EVERYWHERE WITH ME......AND WE ARE FRIENDS ALSO............I HATE THIS PAIN AND WANT IT TO AWAY...........MY DAD WAS A GREAT GUY AND FULL OF LIFE.........SO THE SUDDEN THING THREW ME FOR A LOOP............IM A MESS........I HAVE GREAT FAMILY AND FRIENDS BUT I FOR SOME REASON I NEED TO HEAR FROM OTHER PEOPLE FEELING THIS LOSS................IM TRYING TO MOVE ON BUT ITS REALLY HARD FOR ME............WELL YOU ALL KNOW HOW THAT IS............

[nickche]

Today is the one month anniversary of my fathers death. I think it is kind of sad that I have to come here to express myself when I am sitting in the same room with my husband of 15 years. I am so grateful for the support I have received from all of you and from reading about the loss that others have experienced.

What gives me the greatest comfort is knowing that my dad is in heaven rejoicing with his parents, brother and many friends.

I know I am just beginning on this journey of grief and healing but I can also feel myself changing in a good way as a result of this path. I worry less about the little things and what others think of me. I have slowed down and become more introspective and compassionate toward others.

I pray that all of you will have a sense of peace tonight as you go to sleep.

[twenty3]

thank you to those of you who commented on my story i appreciate you taking the time to read it and comment. jeffrysister you are more than welcome to email me and tell your daughter if she needs someone to talk to im here. I am in the United States Navy and am deploying to iraq in september so i can relate to the emotions she is feeling. All of you are in my prayers. my email address is usnavybamf@hotmail.com feel free to email me with comments on my story or if you just need to vent or talk thanks. Zach

[mofirefly]

Alex329 - Being scared after losing someone is part of the journey. A lot of people start focusing on stuff that might happen and it can be overwhelming at times. But if you try to replace the fear with another emotion it can lose its grip on you, and then you get the chance to try and move on. Fear immobilzes you...but it can be done. To me your loss is very recent so maybe your feeling you should have moved further ahead by now based on what others seem to say or do. We each move at our own pace and there are times when you take one step forward only to be pushed back three. Try now to enjoy the time you have with your mom as much as possible, while trying to push the fear to the back of your mind...and maybe come here and release your fearful thoughts whenever they get to be too much...it seems to help. Take Care!

[alex329]

THANK YOU FOR WRITING BACK TO ME IT SEEMS TO HELP TO HEAR FROM YOU ON THIS SITE.............KEEP THE EMAILS COMING............IT IS VERY RECENT AND I THINK IM LOOKING FOR A QUICK FIX TO THE PAIN AND I KNOW THAT CANNOT HAPPEN............BUT I HATE THIS FEELING!!!!! I MISS MY DAD SOOOOOOOO MUCH.........I KNOW I HAVE TO GO ON BUT JUST DOING THINGS I WOULD HAVE NORMALLY DONE SEEM SO OBSOLETE............LIKE WHY SHOULD I GO GET MY NAILS DONE??? I DONT HAVE MY DAD ANYMORE...........WHY SHOULD I GO TO THE MALL.........HES NOT HERE...........AND I HAVE DONE BOTH OF THOSE THINGS JUST TO KEEP MY MIND GOING...........SO I GUESS I GOT THRU IT SOMEHOW AND I GUESS I AM SUPPOSED TO GO ON EVERYDAY LIKE THAT............RIGHT??? I JUST GET SICK OF SITTING AROUND BEING SAD THAT I HAVE TO GET UP AND MOVE AND I HAVE A 10YR OLD SON THAT WANTS ME TO PLAY AND BE ALIVE BUT I JUST DONT WANT TO BUT I DO IT FOR HIM............I KNOW THATS GOOD.........SO IF YOU ALL COULD JUST KEEP WRITING TO GET ME THRU THIS DIFFICULT TIME THAT WOULD MEAN ALOT.........TARA

[mofirefly]

Tara - as long as you come to the site, there will be others to help you. I went back and read your first post and didn't realize you lived so close to your dad and had such a great relationship...it explains the pain you are having, and as you said, there is no quick fix. Don't feel bad if you sit and feel sad at times...you are already getting up and being involved with life...and I've heard that someday it won't be something you have to try and do for others, you'll actually want to do it for yourself. I think it's great that your son is pulling for you to be alive...think of him as a life preserver that is going around you and trying to save you from drowning in your sorrow. Just keep taking one tiny step forward!

[alex329]

HI..........I DONT KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT I THANK GOD YOU ARE HERE FOR ME..............LIKE I SAID BEFORE IT JUST SEEMS SO UNREAL TO ME.........I HOPE THAT WILL PASS IN TIME.I THINK ITS DENIAL...AM I RIGHT???? HE WAS THE LIFE OF THIS STREET........HE PLAYED STREETBASEBALL EVERYDAY WITH MY SON AND 10 OF HIS FRIENS..EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE LOVED ALL THESE KIDS AND THEY ARE ALSO SO LOST WITHOOUT HIM...THEY ALL CAME TO THE WAKE AND PUT A SIGNED BASEBALL IN THE CASKET WITH MY DAD!!!!!!!!!! THE WHOLE STREET TEAM SIGNED IT.........HE WAS ALSO KNOWN AT THE LITTLE LEAGUE GAMES SINCE JOEY HAS BEEN PLAYING BALL SINCE HE WAS 5........THE WHOLE TOWN KNEW HIM AS JOEYS GRANDPA AND HE NEVER MISSED AGAME......NOT EVER.........ITS JUST CRAZY TO THINK IN APRIL LITTLE LEAGUE WILL START AND MY DAD WILL NOT BE THERE..........ONE OF THE COACHES CAME TO THE WAKE AND HE TOLD MY SON JOEY ...GRANDP IS WATCHING FROM THE SKY BOX NOW..............THAT BROKE MY HEART............JOEY IS DOING GOOD WE TALK ABOUT MY DAD ALL THE TIME............HE EVN SAID THIS MORNING ..MOM...IM GOING DOWN TO GRAMPS!!!!!!!!!!! MY UNCLE STILL LIVES THERE SO HE WENT DOWN TO VISIT,,,,,,,,,,,,BUT IT WAS SO HARD TO HEAR HIM SAY THAT...........WE ALL STILL SAY THINGS LIKE THAT..........SO IM JUST THANKFUL FOR THIS SITE AND AM HOPING IT WILL HELP ME COPE WITH THIS SUDDEN DEATH..........TARA

[mofirefly]

Tara - That things seem unreal is probably a stage of denial...and you might feel that way for quite a while, but don't let that upset you. I think its our brains way of keeping us sane...because even tho you are in so much pain, if it weren't for a part of you being in denial, it might be worse. Not sure if that makes any sense. I know that my folks are gone, but I still find if unreal at times, and it's been 6 years since my dad passed and 18 months since my mom left, but even tho I know they are gone, at times I'm not sure I've fully accepted the reality of it. Your son sounds amazing. My granddaughter is one of the few people you will talk about my mom without any hesitation...and I appreciate that so much. I sometimes think others just don't want to say or do anything to upset us, so they just stop mentioning the ones we miss. This is going to be a crazy ride for you, but just try to hang on. Candy

[alex329]

I KNOWWE WILL NEVER KNOW IF THEY HEAR US BUT I TALKED TO MY DAD FOR 3 DAYS WHILE HE LIE IN A COMA FROM ABRAIN ANURISM........I HELD HIS HAND AND KISSED HIS FORHEAD AND JUST KEPT PRAYING WITH THE ROSARY WRAPPED AROUND HIS HAND.......WE ARE NOT A RELIGOUS FAMILY BUT I WAS GRASPING AT THAT POINT.....WE KNEW WE HAD TO SEND HIM TO BE WITH HIS PARENTS AND BROTHER.........THE SOUNDS THAT CAME OUT HIM.THE RATTLE.........AND ALL THE MACHINES AND IT LOOKED LIKE HIS BREATHING WAS HURTING HIM....I CANT STAND THAT THOUGHT.............I CHOSE NOT TO BE THERE WHEN THEY REMOVED THE MACHINES AND HE WOULD TAKE HIS LAST BREATH........ALL MY OTHER SIBLINGS WERE THERE.........I JUST CHOSE TO SAY GOODBYE THE NIGHT BEFORE.........XMAS NIGHT!!!!!!!!! IT WAS NOT GOOD.........BUT I KNEW I COULD NOT HANDLE HIS LAST BREATH............I HOPE HE HEARD ME TELL HIM OVER AND OVER I MUCH I LOVED HIM!!!!!!!!! I KNOW HE KNEW BUT I JUST WANT SO BADLY TO KNOW IF HE HEARD US TALKING TO HIM............I WILL HAVE THAT IN MY MIND FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE..............AND THAT SCARES ME........THAT WASNT HIM..........HE WAS ALIVE ALL THAT DAY...........WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO HIM?????????? I STILL DONT BELIEVE IT..........SORRY FOR RAMBLING..JUST VENTING...........TARA

[alex329]

THANK YOU CANDY.........I REALLY DO HAVE A GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM ALL AROUND ME BUT WHEN MY HUSBAND AND SON GO TO BED I JUST HANG OUT HERE AND TALK WITH ALL OF YOU.......IT HELPS............IM A NIGHT OWL.........IM 36 AND DONT WANT THIS TAKING OVER MY LIFE ..EVEN THOUGH IT FEELS LIKE IT HAS.........BUT IT IS SO SOON....I KNOW.............THANKS TO ALL OF YOU.......ILL ALWAYS BE HERE TO HELP GET THRU THIS..........

[mofirefly]

Tara - I believe your dad heard you. I was with my dad and talked with him up until his last breath. Like you, I try to come to these boards, usually at night, once my husband has gone to sleep as I've been a bit of a night owl most of my life. So from one night owl to another, time to try to get some sleep, tomorrows just around the corner. Take Care!

[alex329]

THANK YOU AGAIN...........I AM GOING TO BED NOW..............AND WE HAVE A HISTORY OF NIGHT OWLS ON MY MOMS SIDE..............MY HUSBAND DOESNT UNDERSATND IT BUT IVE ALWAYS BEEN THS WAY................ITS MY TIME ALONE I GUESS.............NITE TARA..............ILL TALK TO TOMORROW NIGHT IM SURE...........THANKS

[mofirefly]

Tara - Just a quick note as we've had a bit of a family situation arise and I may not get on the board for a couple of days. My husband has been an early riser and eary to bed for ages but I prefer staying up late and sleeping in...just one of our many differences. Hope you are ok. Take care!

[alex329]

THANK YOU CANDY FOR WRITING BACK...I HOPE ALL IS WELL WITH....ILL TALK TO YOU SOON...........TARA

[cindyinalaska]

Tara,

I lost my dad suddenly on December 13th. He was only 54 years old.

He would have turned 55 the next day. I flew in to help plan his funeral on his birthday. Then my grandpa died exactly two months to the day that my dad passed away. It seemed so unreal. It's been almost 10 weeks now since my dad died and I still can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that he's gone.

It is so unfair! He was such a good person. He loved to tell jokes and make people laugh. You couldn't walk near my dad when a song was playing on the radio or watch out.. he would be spinning you around...dancing and laughing. I miss his laugh and him whistling...to the point of it being almost annoying. I would give anything to hear that now. He had such a zest for life. He had so many friends...and they miss him so much. I had just talked to him on the phone a few days before he died. We talked about the Christmas decorations that he had just put up..he was so proud of them. We talked for an hour about my girls, what to get my mom for Christmas and everyday stuff. I can't believe that was the last phone call I will ever have with my dad. That last call runs through my head everyday. Christmas was his absolute favorite holiday. Christmas and his birthday...he loved them..how unfair to be taken away at his favorite time of the year. I was waiting to call him again until his birthday..I never got to make that call.

Like you, I am so scared that something will happen to my mom or to my husband. I have been making my husband call me as soon as he gets to work everyday. I even made him sell the car that he had been driving and get a big truck...which I know that he didn't mind getting. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind...I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything either. Most days I get up and ready for the day..I take my girls to school and come back home and go back to sleep or do the bare minimum of stuff that needs to get done. I hate this feeling. This is not like me at all. My "best" friend barely calls. I have seen her 4 times since my dad died. What's up with that! I'm trying to be understanding..she might not know what to say to me, but come on...this is the worst thing that has happened to me in my life and she wants to give me "my space"! WHAT THE!!!

Anyway, I'm Sorry...I kind of lost it for a minute. Man, I didn't realize how much I was keeping things in until I started writing!

When you need to talk,

I'm here. Cindy

[alex329]

Tara,

I lost my dad suddenly on December 13th. He was only 54 years old.

He would have turned 55 the next day. I flew in to help plan his funeral on his birthday. Then my grandpa died exactly two months to the day that my dad passed away. It seemed so unreal. It's been almost 10 weeks now since my dad died and I still can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that he's gone.

It is so unfair! He was such a good person. He loved to tell jokes and make people laugh. You couldn't walk near my dad when a song was playing on the radio or watch out.. he would be spinning you around...dancing and laughing. I miss his laugh and him whistling...to the point of it being almost annoying. I would give anything to hear that now. He had such a zest for life. He had so many friends...and they miss him so much. I had just talked to him on the phone a few days before he died. We talked about the Christmas decorations that he had just put up..he was so proud of them. We talked for an hour about my girls, what to get my mom for Christmas and everyday stuff. I can't believe that was the last phone call I will ever have with my dad. That last call runs through my head everyday. Christmas was his absolute favorite holiday. Christmas and his birthday...he loved them..how unfair to be taken away at his favorite time of the year. I was waiting to call him again until his birthday..I never got to make that call.

Like you, I am so scared that something will happen to my mom or to my husband. I have been making my husband call me as soon as he gets to work everyday. I even made him sell the car that he had been driving and get a big truck...which I know that he didn't mind getting. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind...I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything either. Most days I get up and ready for the day..I take my girls to school and come back home and go back to sleep or do the bare minimum of stuff that needs to get done. I hate this feeling. This is not like me at all. My "best" friend barely calls. I have seen her 4 times since my dad died. What's up with that! I'm trying to be understanding..she might not know what to say to me, but come on...this is the worst thing that has happened to me in my life and she wants to give me "my space"! WHAT THE!!!

Anyway, I'm Sorry...I kind of lost it for a minute. Man, I didn't realize how much I was keeping things in until I started writing!

When you need to talk,

I'm here. Cindy

[alex329]

CINDY..........I EMAILED YOU BECAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE ME AND HOW IM FEELING WRITE ME BACK WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE.......WE ARE IN THE SAME BOAT.........IM NOT FEELING ALL THAT GOOD MYSELF RIGHT NOW BUT IF WE CAN STICK TOGETHER WE MIGHT BE OK AT SOME POINT..........BUT I THINK IT MAY BE TO SOON FOR US........ITS ONLY BEEN WEEKS FOR YOU AND I AND IT DOESNT SEEM TO BE GETTING NY EASIER...............FROM WHAT I HAVE READ WE ARE ONLY IN THE FIRST STAGES OF GRIEF............THAT SCARES ME............WHEN WILL THE PAIN SUBSIDE.????? IF EVER.............I GUESS WE JUST HAVE TO TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME.........I JUST WISH TIME WOULD GO BY FASTER............IM HAVING A REALLY HARD TIME WITH THIS......AS YOU KNOW.......TARA

[daddy301]

today is the day one year ago that my dad died. It is still so horrible

I never could think of being without my dad so I never prepared myself for his death until he went into hospice. For 2 weeks he just wasted away, couldn't eat. He as on morphine so he wasn't in too much pain while the colon cancer killed him. He got sick after christmas 2005 and then died march 06. Up until 4 weeks before hospice the dr. (after making a ton of tests and cat scans and MRI)we thought it was a kink in the bowel. How after doing all those tests could they miss a tumor that was so huge and wrapped around organs that they could not remove it. My father had rectal cancer 16 years ago and faithfully went for his colonscopy every 3 years. He had the test 2 years before this happened. Obvisouly they missed something. I am still so angry that these doctors tell you if you get these tests colon cancer is curable. I also feel so bad that I couldn't talk to my dad about his dying without falling to pieces. My mother and sister always acted like I should be in good spirits for dad and not upset him. How strange - he knew he was dying, he was in hospice and he refused any medicine other than morphine - not like they could give him chemo it was past that stage. And a year later every time I see my mom I want to cry and talk about it and she keeps telling me not to get so upset He had to die we wouldn't want him to suffer. No I don't want the sick person back I want the healthy person back. My dad ate correctly followed all the dr. orders and still died.

I have such a hard time remembering all the good times and just remember the last weeks. This year I have relived every day. I knew each morning how many days until dad would be dead

It was all so wierd - I was the oldest and my mom waited for me to get there (we were planning the funeral before he died, a friend had told me it is easier if you have a terminal patient because you are so exhausted and it is one less thing to do). We go to leave and my sister said I am going too. Well that meant no one with dad - so I said who is going to stay with dad and her comment was that she needed to be there to p lan the funeral. So I didn't go. It was so inhumain to just leave him alone. He wasn't out of it , he would fall asleep and then wake up and had all his mind functions. Families!

I could go on forever.

debbie

[mofirefly]

Tara & Cindy (and so many others) - Just reviewed earlier posts..and saw that you two lost your dads so near Christmas, and then both have come to this site. It sort of seems like you both were led here to help each other. I know when I first started posting Oct 06 I came across another person who had lost her mom three days earlier than I lost mine (hi to Septemberspain if you are reading). Keep sharing your thoughts with each other (and the rest of us) as it really does help.

Daddy301 - I saw your post on anniversay. It sounds like you are closer to my age as you said your dad had been a part of you life for 50 years (if I read the post right). I can't imagine how people survive losing someone when they are young, but it certainly isn't any easier when you are older. You are never "prepared" for the pain it causes.

May all of us who has come across Beyound Indigo do their best to take care as we travel this journey without a map.

[alex329]

HI EVERYONE..........I ALSO THINK CINDY AND I ARE ALOT ALIKE WE HAVE BEEN EMAILING EACH OTHER FOR A FEW DAYS NOW AND IT DOES SEEM TO HELP.........I KEEP TELLING EVERYONE I KNOW ABOUT THIS WEBSITE..........EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A HUGE FAMILY AND ALOT OF CLOSE FRIENDS THIS IS JUST DIFFERENT FOR ME AND IT HELPS ALOT...........I DONT KNOW HOW LONG ILL BE COMING HERE BUT IT WILL BE FOR AWHILE IM SURE!!!!!!!!!! 2 MONTHS IS NOTHING WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR DAD WHO WAS ALSO LIKE YOUR BEST FRIEND..............WE WERE VERY CLOSE..........I AM BETTER THAN I WAS AMONTH AGO SO I GUESS THATS A GOOD THING........IVE BEEN OUT OF THE HOUSE INSTEAD OF LAYING IN BED ALL DAY LONG...........I JUST CANT DO THAT ANYMORE.ITS NOT ME.........IM SURE SOMEDAYS I WILL DO THAT BUT NOT EVERYDAY LIKE I WAS...........I GUESS IT JUST TAKES TIME.........I WAS TRYING TO RUSH THE PROCESS IN THE BEGINNING OF ALL OF THIS BUT SOON REALIZED THAT WILL NOT AND CANNOT HAPPEN....ITS A PROCESS..........IM NO EXPERT ON THIS BY ANY MEANS IM JUST SPEAKING OF MY PERSONAL ISSUE AT HAND...........THERE IS NO QUICK FIX IS ALL IM TRYING TO SAY AND THAT IS WHAT I DESPERATLEY WANTED..........SO I WILL JUST HANG ON TIGHT AND GO WITH IT........I DONT HAVE ACHOICE..........THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING SO VERY KIND TO ME AT THIS HORRBLE TIME IN MY LIFE..ITS BEEN A GODSEND...........ILL KEEP READING AND WRITING BACK.........THANKS TARA

[oilyducks]

hey everyone....tara i know what you mean about spending days in bed...and i know that it gets easier as time goes on. On tuesday it will be 5 months since my dad died ( that sentence is still so hard to admit) but now its only about once a week were i dont want to get out of bed...and on the days where it doesnt hurt, ive learn to cherish them and enjoy them to the fullest...now when i miss my dad i miss him more, but the days are fewer when i feel as if i cant go on...i think that it does get easier and there is no way to make it easier but to only accept that it takes time.

[Guest Guest]

My father died two weeks ago tonight, very suddenly and at the young age of 60. I had just returned from a business trip and receieved the call that rocked my world. My mother called my cell phone hysterical and declared, "your father is dead." I went into auto pilot with a strange and complicated sense of emptiness.

He had worked the last day of his life despite feeling very ill. He had an abdominal aortic aneurysm, he died immediately after it ruptured. Because it was an untimely death, his body stayed at the house until the state police and medical examiners arrived. They live in a rural area and it took close to 5 hours before his body was removed. I live 1000 miles from home and my husband and I got in the car immediately to come home after receiving the news.

I'm not sure how I'm going to live the rest of my life without him. I'm only 30 years old, I was sure we had many good years left. Nothing feels the same anymore. I don't even have the capacity to cry. I feel numb. Liz

[cindyinalaska]

Liz,

I am truly sorry about your dad! I received that same phone call in the middle of the night 10 weeks ago. My mom said that my dad had died and I was left holding the phone not knowing what to do, and not quite grasping what she had just told me. He died suddenly, with no warning, so I know how lost you are feeling right now. My dad was 54 years old and I also thought there would be many more years that we would spend together. My husband can retire in seven years and we were going to move back to Oregon so we could have “our” time with him. I’m sure that you are still in shock that this happened. I felt numb until about a week ago. I think it’s our minds way of helping us to cope with such a shock. My heart is breaking for you. I know that you are devastated. Please try to take care of yourself. Tara, on this site made me realize that I needed to get out and do things. Yesterday was the first time since his death that I went to town by myself. Try to be around your friends and your family and when your ready… try to get back to doing the things you did before…You will be OK! You will find great people on this website who know exactly how you feel because they have been there too. They will help support you through this painful time. Take care, Cindy

[fisk74]

Cindy -

Thank you so much for your response. I'm desparate to validate my feelings. Hearing about others' losses will help me come to grips with this. I am very sorry about your father as well. I kept telling myself that next year I'd move back to Vermont, next year I'll be closer to my parents and now he's gone. I'll always regret the fact that I put my career in front of everything else. He always told me that he understood why I had to leave home and that he supported me, but since his passing my mother has confided in me that he was very sad that all of his children had left. What happens when the numbness wears off? Regards, Liz

[jc1030]

Liz,

Sorry for your loss. Since it's only been two weeks since you lost your father, what you're going through is normal, and you still have a ways to go. When I lost my dad at the end of October, I felt the same numbness. Today I'm still trying to deal with the shock of his passing.

Some of the things you've been talking about such as your regrets and what you had hoped to do with your dad. We've all gone through the same process. During our lives, we all takes certain things for granted, but deep down inside I'm sure you're father understood that you had your own life to live. When my dad had his stroke and died days later, I had just come back from vacation and he had his stroke a few days later when my mom called me frantically while I was at work. I still occasionally go through the guilt and regret of not seeing or talking to him one more time, even though in no way I could've predicted this to happen.

It doesn't matter how old your parents are or how much you think about this, you're never fully prepared when it happens. I can only hope you will start your road to recovery, and come back here anytime. I've learned that writing my feelings out on message boards like this has been very useful.

Jeff

[alex329]

HI LIZ ,IM TARA....CINDY TOLD YOU ABOUT ME AND MT STORY IS ON HERE........I TO LOST MY DAD TO AN ANURISM(BRAIN) ON DEC 26...06.........HE WAS 68...AND NEVER KNEW IT WAS COMING....SO I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!!! ITS SUCH A HORRIBLE SHOCK TO YOUR BODY...BELIEVE I KNOW..........I TO AM STILL IN DENIAL AND THINK OF HIM ALL DAY AND NIGHT...........YOU SHOULD KEEP COMING HERE FOR SUPPORT..IT HELPED ME ALOT...CINY AND I ARE IN OUR 30"S ALSO........FOR ME I CANT IMAGINGE THE REST OF LIFE WITHOUT HIM............ITS A NATURAL REACTION......EVERYONE SAYS THE SAME THING...THANK GOD.......I THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY!!!!!!!!!! IM BETTER THAN I WAS A MONTH AGO BUT I KNOW I HAVE A WAYS TO GO IN THIS PROCESS.........ITS ALOT TO HANDLE AND STILL TRY TO MAINTAIN A SOMEWHAT NORMAL LIFE............CINDY.....IM SO GLAD YOU GOT OUT TODAY....GOOD FOR YOU.......ANYWAYS LIZ........WE ARE HERE WHEN YOU NEED US........NITE TARA

[fisk74]

Jeff & Tara,

Thank you so much for sharing your stories. Your feelings and experiences really are helping me to come to grips with what has just happened. I know you're right that it doesn't much matter when it happens or how it happens, we're never really prepared to say goodbye forever.

You have no idea how much better I feel tonight, just having a safe place to talk is such a blessing. Thank you for your kindness!

Liz

[alex329]

HI LIZ........IM SO GLAD YOU HAVE READ OUR STORIES...WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT............I HOPE YOU A GOOD NIGHT.........IM GOING TO BED NOW I JUST CHECKED TO SEE YOU HAVE WRITTEN AND YOU DID...........THAT MADE ME HAPPY THAT SOME OF US COULD HELP YOU IN SOME WAY............THIS WHOLE SITE IS ABOUT LOSS AND GRIEVING SO ITS THE PLACE TO BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR US ANYWAYS.........ITS A CLUB WE DONT WANT TO A PART OF BUT WE ARE.......SAD TO SAY..........WE WILL TALK SOON......NITE TARA........

[jackiewitter]

thank you to those of you who commented on my story i appreciate you taking the time to read it and comment. jeffrysister you are more than welcome to email me and tell your daughter if she needs someone to talk to im here. I am in the United States Navy and am deploying to iraq in september so i can relate to the emotions she is feeling. All of you are in my prayers. my email address is usnavybamf@hotmail.com feel free to email me with comments on my story or if you just need to vent or talk thanks. Zach

Hello Zach,

I sent you an email earlier. My daughters boyfriend is home on leave. He will be leaving Wed. She's been pretty occupied since he has been here. She said she definitely wants to talk with you though. I have given her your email address. I hope everything is fine with you. Her grandfather passed away 2 years ago on her birthday and then 7 months ago my brother passed away the day after her birthday. I think it just brought back all the memories of her PawPaw and she has been struggling with it quite a bit. She loved her Uncle Jeff, but I think it just brought back all the memories of her PawPaw and she is hurting quite a bit. It would probably be good for the two of you to talk with someone closer to your age. I hope that you can help each other through this. I know that talking with my friends on the siblings site has been quite a bit of help for me. My prayers are with you, I hope that you are settling in more with where you are. That's really all that you can hope for is that you are able to accept where you are and go with it. It's like a bad amusement park ride, all you can do is close your eyes and hold on as best as you can. My prayers are with you. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[chele721]

Hello, this is my first time posting here. I lost my best friend in the whole world...my dad. It has been 3 weeks and 1 days since he died of a massive heart attack in our home. We lived with my dad (meaning my children and my husband) as we help care for my mom with mental illness and now just diagnosed with early dementia. I can't even begin describe the overwhelming grief I have. I feel completely paralyzed. I miss him so much..I can't take it. We did everything together. We had coffee every morning before he left for work and had dinner together everynight. My oldest daughter who is 15 is handicapped and they were inseparable. It is so hard for her. It breaks my heart. She keeps trying to get me to call grampa on the phone. I miss everything about him. Evenings here are so lonely without him. I dread the weekends as with did stuff together all weekend. I went everywhere with my dad and talked to him several times a day on the phone while he was at work. I just want him back. I can never even imagine my life being ok without him. The pain just gets worse. I miss him so much. I have read some of your stories and I am really glad that there are people going through the same grief as I....I thought I was going crazy. Look forward to talking with many of you.

Michele

[mofirefly]

chele721 - So sorry you have had to find you way here as it means you have lost someone you loved more than ever. This is where you can let some of your emotions out and read how others are coping. It is something that is different and yet sometimes the same for each of us. Your loss is so recent and that you lived with him shows me that you will have lots of emotions that will go up and down faster than any rollercoaster on earth. You are most definitely not going crazy. Just try to hold on, it does eventually become easier to carry the burden of loss, but please be sure to allow yourself to heal at your own pace. Take Care!

[alex329]

HI MICHELE..........I PROMISE YOU ...YOUR NOT GOING CRAZY.......THATS EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT TOO...........MY DAD LIVED 2 DOORS DOWN FROM ME AND WE WERE VERY CLOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS A LOSS I NEVER KNEW COULD HURT SO BAD.........ITS ONLY BEEN 2 MONTHS FOR ME AND IM HAVING A REALLY HARD TIME WITH THIS,BUT I HAVE BEEN GETTING OUT MORE THAN I WAS...........I LAYED IN BED FOR WEEKS AT FIRST.......AND I HAVE A 10 YEAR OLD SON THAT WANTED ME UP AND ALIVE..........MY HUSBAND TO.........THEY WERE REALLY GOOD TO ME BUT I HAD TO GET UP AND DO THINGS EVEN THOUGH MY DAD WASNT HERE WITH ME.............IN FACT IT WAS A VERY HARD NIGHT FOR ME TONIGHT.....MY MOMS BDAY IS TODAY AND WE ALWAYS GET TOGETHER FOR ALL BDAYS AND HE WASNT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY HADNT BEEN MARRIED FOR 20 SOMETHING YEARS BUT THEY WERE GOOD FRIENDS,SO WE ALWAYS HAD PARTIES ALL TOGETHER WHICH WAS NICE FOR US KIDS..........BUT I WAS VERY SAD TONIGHT AND I FEEL ABD FOR MY MOM.........HE JUST WASNT THERE AND IT REALLY BOTHERED ME...........IM SORRY FOR RAMBLING ABOUT ME I CAME ON HERE TO HELP YOU!!!!!!!!!!! YOU SHOULD VISIT THIS SITE AND FIND SOME COMFORT THAT YOU NOT ALONE...........WE ARE ALL FEELING WHAT YOU ARE FEELING...........MY DADS DEATH WAS SUDDEN ALSO...........AND I THINK THATS WHATS MAKING THIS SO HARD FOR ME...........HERE THAT DAY......GONE THAT NIGHT!!!!!!!!!! ITS NOT REAL TO ME................JUST KNOW WE ARE ALWAYS HERE.........ALL OF US............CINDY AND CANDY AND JEFF..ETC....THEY ARE A GREAT HELP TO ME..........NITE TARA

[fisk74]

Hi all - it's been a long weekend. Dealing with the grief is so overwhelming and now my mother has come to live with us until she can deal with being home without him. She has been dependent on him her entire life (financially and emotionally). She never paid much concern to the finances or things that needed to be done around the house. This is were it gets really complicated... my father's estate is a complete mess. He didn't have a will and his life insurance barely covers his business debts.

Now, not only am I grieving his untimely loss but my brother and I are trying to come to terms with this tremendous financial responsibility. Part of me is angry that he wasn't better prepared and part of me feels guilty for not realizing how bad things were for him. If he had only asked for advice or help... maybe things would have been different. I would have given up everything thing I had to make his life better and less stressful. I wish he would have shared his burden with us. Ugh... now i'm crying again...

[daddy301]

I am so glad to hear people say they just don't feel like getting out of bed

I think I did too much after my father died. I really felt like staying in bed but 2 days after the funeral my daughter had testing at her new school for kindergarten so I took her because I felt guilty that my husband had taken off some time while I was at the hospice with my Dad. Then it was her 5 yo party - and I didn't want to upset her and cancel and she cried when I said I was going to stay home. So I went and everyone means well - they want to express their sympathy and I just felt like crying more. Now it has been a year and I still feel like staying in bed. Maybe it is just this anniversary date but I really do push myself most weeks to get going and get to work. Life is so busy that I think it is hard to take the time to grieve properly. Now after all the sadness I am back to the angry side. Why did Dad have to die of colon cancer. He went for his scopes every 3 years to the month. And then I see an ad on TV about how noone has to die of colon cancer and I just yell at the TV. He supposedly had a great doctor who did the scopes but apparently he really missed something that in 2 years this cancer had spread so much and wrapped around organs that there was nothing they could do to take out part and replace things. I guess one day I will accept this. as my mother says you have to go on. She is from the generation that doesn't show their tears very much. And I inherited all the emotions for the entire family!

it feels better to write this stuff down and get out of my body

Debbue

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

Hi all

I haven't been on in a while.Its been nearly 7 months since I lost my best friend and Daddy.

Isn't it strange how one day you're ok and feeling like you're moving forward, then you wake up in the morning and you feel like you are back to where you started.

I am getting married in 8 and a half weeks, so I've been busy organising that, then last night I dreamt I was crying for him and then he was alive again and he gave me a big cuddle and I woke up this morning feeling terrible and thinking it was a bad dream and that my Dad was still alive, then obviosly reality hit and I realised it was a dream!

I still look for his car and personalised number plate even though his plate is on my car! I'll be out walking the dog and think, i'll just give Dad a call or something happens, i'll just call Dad and tell him, but I can't!

I was talking to my Mum at the weekend and I didn't realise what I was doing, (My Dad and I were very close, I'm close to my Mum too, but my Dad and I had a really special bond) I say to my Mum how much I miss my Dad and she said she sometimes wishes it was her who died instead of Dad, I felt awful, has anyone else been in the same situation, I obviosly reassured my Mum and told her to stop talking rubbish, but I didn't realise what I was doing and making her feel like she was second best.

[kathleenplocinski]

Hi everyone,

I haven't written a while and I agree that one minute you feel pretty good, and then the next minute you feel pretty bad. I am having a horrible time going through my dads things and giving his clothes away. My mom has been going through his closet and drawers putting his things in bags to give away. When I go over to their house I find myself taking things out of the bags and bringing them back to my house and putting them in my closet. I wear the sweat shirt that I bought him when I was in college to bed. I going to night school every Wednesday and my mom takes care of my daughter. I then spend the night at her house. It gives her someone to talk to. Well, I find myself walking around the house when she goes to bed. It's like I am looking for a clue to where my dad is. I know he is not there. I held his hand when he died. But, it's like I looking for a note or something letting me know he's ok. Is this normal?? Kathleen