Loss of a Father

[cindyinalaska]

Hi everyone,

Thank you all for your responses. My kitten, Simon, is doing good. He went through his surgery and came out of it just fine. He had some kind of reaction to the anesthesia...he kind of became a psycho kitty for a while which scared the doc...but his is doing much better now.

Melody, I completly agree with you...our pets do give us unconditional love. They are there for us whenever we need them, they don't argue with us or roll their eyes at us...they are our best friends that we can confide in and they never let us down. Your little Buster sounds like he has been a wonderful member of your family and has given you so much love. I hope that Buster is doing ok....

Tara, I'm so happy to hear that you had a good day! Are you keeping yourself busy while your hubby and son are out of town? I usually do the painting thing too...it always seems to take up most of the time when Mark is away. In October, Mark will be leaving for six weeks!!! That is going to be so hard! I'm just glad that I will have my girls with me...although at 13 and 15, they don't find it fun to hang out with mom anymore:o( Keep us posted on how you are doing...I hope that you have many more good days to come!! By the way, we have another thing in common....I'm 35 and Mark is 45...we both like older men ;o)...LOL

Talk to you soon, Cindy

I forgot to say that Mark will be having surgery in a few weeks on his other foot...I'm beginning to feel a little bit of anxiety over it!! It just seems like its one thing after another...you know???

[alex329]

hi cindy........im so happy your doing ok..............thought you had small toddlers running around..............when mark is away you can come talk to us like im doing right now..............the boys call everyday and they are having a great time.........maybe someday i can go with them again................jopey was 2 when i went to canada so he doesnt remember me being there................anyways,i have been keeping busy.in fact me and my mom are hanging out at the pool tomorrw as it is going to be over 90 again here in upstate ny...............i hate the heat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it makes me sick!!!! i have asked all the doctors about it ,but they say it might be my meds or my thyroid.................so who knows.............i love winter!!!! i worked tonight it was crazy busy,and thats so good for me...............my family came up to eat dinner,thats was cool...............then i went to the local elks club to meet my family at 10 30 at night ,my dads band was playing there.............he was the guitarist and his best friend the keyboard player.....................on his break he came over to talk with us and we got talking about my dad............we laughed alot..............so that was good..............he also told me that he wants me to see a very good friend of his(a priest) as i was leaving he said ill talk to you and let you know when....................so ireally think im going to go ,it cant hurt.............right????????????? he knows what a mess i have been .............so maybe that would help me.......................ill let ya know how that goes,whenever it happens............................... well i have had a very tiring night so im going to bed.....................ill talk with you all soon.................peace to all of you...............nite tara

[alex329]

hi all...................i am not having such a good night. i hate being alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they call me a few times a day but i want them to come home now( i dont say that to them) i was not alone today as i was with my mom and sister swimming.........but i have to say my sister just doesnt seem affected by this...........shes ok..........i guess shes like my grandmother and my aunt..........they are just strong people.........she works alot too and i dont know how she deals with her grief when shes alone........but next to her i seem like a mental person!!!!!!!!!!!!how can we be so different.........i know we are but it just bothers me is all............i want to move on like she is................im really missing my dad alot right now............im sure its just so much time to think is the problem..............but its hard being home alone for 10 days..............but im really trying to get thru it on my own................i thought i was going to be at my moms house all this time but im home...............this is where im comfortable...........so thats a good sign........i guess..........how can it be somedays im ok and others im a mess.............i hate that.,one or the other...........i know its normal but i still hate it..............i just pray that notjing happens to anyone else in my family for a long long time............me and my mom are sooooooooooooooo close its crazy............i cant even talk about it........ i talk to her at least 10 times day and she lives a few blocks from me so i see her everyday!!!!!!!!!!! buti cant worry about that right now..........i have enough stress........im just venting tonight as i am alone and bored out of my mind!!!! so writing just helps me keep my mind off the bad thoughts................thanks for being here............peace to all..........nite tara

[cindyinalaska]

Hi Tara,

I hope tonight you are doing ok. I am really dreading when Mark leaves for Texas in October.....the girls will be in school and I will be alone all day, everyday...YUK! I am not working right now..just before my dad died, I was offered a job with a reality office, and a day later, my dad died. I was in no shape to take a job at that point, and now...seven months later...I am still without a job. I just havent felt like doing anything. And now, with Mark about to have surgery and the girls starting school, and Mark leaving for six weeks,...well you get the idea. Being in Alaska without my husband here will be a full time job in itself. Just keeping up with the snow, vehicles, the house and kids is hard enough without starting a new job. I have no idea when I will get back out into the world...and after all of this time, I am a little scared to get back out there...you know??

As for your sister doing ok with losing your dad....don't forget that looks can be deceiving. Everyone around me thinks that I am doing great...getting on with everything just fine. Wow..do I have them fooled! I feel like I am dying inside. Anyway, just a thought...

Sorry for rambling....talk to you soon, Cindy

[alex329]

hi cindy ,thanks for writing to me.............when mark is away you can write to us and we will be here for you.........just like your here for me while my guys are away............the days i do not work i spend sitting on my bed watching tv...........or doing chores and sometimes i go out..............but i just dont feel the same anymore and they say thats normal...........i used to love to shop and i dont want to anymore.............im still having some trouble eating but its getting a little better..............i have been getting out more and doing things during the day but some days i dont do to much,.......i love my perennial garden that iwork very hard on keeping up,,,,,,,,,,so that makes me happy...........i do however dread winter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it actually scares me to think of being stuck in my house................i know snow is nothing for you in alaska........but im in ny and we got 3ft last yr right after my dad passed away and i was freaking out.................he died the day after xmas.......and the 3 days before that were the worst days of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!! so now i dread xmas and i have a 10 yr old son.............how am i going to get thru the holidays?????????????????????? they are coming soon and you know its our first yr without our dads..............im nervous about it..........then i say to myself...i got thru his bday in march,fathers day in june..........i was ok..........not great but ok............so maybe that will be just ok for me at xmas time............i cant let my son down...........i will my shopping online,its easier that way.........anyways thats a few months away but of course i am worried about it now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just got in from work so i am unwinding now...........i have my house locked up like fort knox!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i do not live in a dangerous area.........i grew up 2 blocks away in a residential area............buuuuut i have all lights on and doors and windows locked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was never like this before.....................but everything changes and we have to accept it and go on..............i dont know how as of yet but im really really trying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im so much better at work when my mind is busy...............i know that so i have to keep doing it............................im not a stupid person,just a sad person................as all of you are to...................once again i will say this grief thing totally sucks and i f...ing hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well on that note i will stop writing and go to bed.............long night..............i will talk to all of you soon..................peace to all of you tonight.............nite tara

[alex329]

hi cindy..............i tried to email you my number so you can call if you need to............it says its the wrong email...............let me know of your new email if want to..............like i said before.................6 weeks is a long time...................so if ya want to chat let me know............you have my email............nite tara

[redsgirl]

Hey all,

Haven't been here in awhile. Just been missing my dad today. Got my cell phone out to look at his picture. Have not been to grave in a little over 1 wk. Will probably go this afternoon. Had a dream about him about 1 mo ago. He was wearing overalls with a green shirt just standing there. I reached over & kissed his cheek & he hugged me & we said I love you.

Well, just thought I would share today.

Take care.

Redsgirl

[Guest Guest]

My name is Kyle and I am new to this website. I just need someone to talk to. I lost my dad several months ago to cancer. My family gets very upset with me because the feelings I have about my dad. They don't seem to understand why I have hard feelings towards my dad and they won't listen to me. When we were growing up for some reason my dad was really hard on me. I was the only one that he really treated bad. Nothing was ever good enough for him. I remember my dad telling me that I was the bad kid and I never did anything right. He would tell me that he was so hard on me because he had to teach me how to grow up and be a real man. I would come home from school and he would yell for me to come out to the garage. He would tell me something I did was wrong and he would take a belt to me. My siblings never got the belt. Now that he's gone there are sometimes I feel like I let him down and maybe I was this horrible kid that never did anything right. My family gets mad at me and tells me if I wasn't so bad then my dad would have treated me better. He treated me this way up until he passed away and I'm having a really hard time understanding what I did wrong. Did I deserve this treatment? Why doesn't my family understand how I feel?

[bbarbie55]

Kyle

Don't even think less of yourself. You couldn't have been a bad kid because you are sensitive to others feelings. I'd tell you live your life you did nothing wrong if you couldn't please him then that was his problem. You only need to do what you know is right don't let this screw you up anymore and control your life. I'll be praying for you.

Deb

[princessdss]

It was one year ago that I heard the voice of my DISTANT SISTER say Dad s Gone...and I won t gforget the scream no daddy no daddy.........and it changed my world from sibings i no longer have to thehouse i remember being picked apart liike vulutures and no moreholidays as i new it and family and now one year later is it my kids and my partner for life and THAT IS IT they are stil fightong over money STUFF and items but for me I HAVE MEMORIES...in loving memories of POP POP

[alex329]

hi all,,,,,i read the past two stories and they are so sad to me................i have 5 siblings and we dont fight at all...............but there was nothing to fight over..............so that made it easier on us............im sorry you have to go thru this...........family is family but for some reason when money is involved people change.........its very sad to hear that but i know it happens alot............im sorry for you...........like losing your dad wasnt enough ,now this ...........i would not be able to deal with that ...............i hope you find some comfort here............we are all going thru the same pain as you are.............we are always here if you need us.................nite tara

[kyle34]

I think one of the things I am having a hard time with is how can you treat your child that way. I used to ask my dad before he passed away why he treated me so bad and he told me he was trying to make a man out of me. He told me it was my fault that he had to punish me the way he did and I only had myself to thank for that. I don't understand why I was singled out from my other siblings and now I feel like I will live the rest of my life wondering why my dad did not treat me like he did my siblings. Dealing with death is hard enough but I don't know how to deal with the guilt that I disappointed my dad in some way. My mom does nothing but take up for him and my siblings tell me I need to get over it. I wish I could have fixed things before he passed away. Even though he treated me the way he did I loved him very much and tried very hard to make him proud of me but I failed.

[riensmum]

Kyle, my heart breaks for you and your pain, but hold your head up high and be proud of the person you are. Reading between the lines tells me that you are a compassionate caring person. Don't spend too much time wondering "what I did wrong" or that you failed. You haven't failed anything - in fact I think you have passed one of the many mammoth tests that the universe puts to us - despite all of the put downs your sensitivity shines through. Be extremely proud Kyle of the person you are today. Love and light to you.

Judi (Riens Mum)

[cindyinalaska]

Hi Tara,

I'm sorry I wasn't able to respond earlier...I was painting Sara's room. It turned out very nice...even being lime green now! ;o) Please try to email me again..I think the mailbox was full....It would be great to talk over the phone! Six weeks is a long time...it will be the first time Mark will be gone that long since my dad died. It's so nice to have you all here, so we can help each other thru the rough times. And I've been thinking about Christmas too!! The month of December will never be the same will it?? It will mark the first year of our dads death and it will be our first Christmas without them here with us. (Actually, my dad died on the 13th of December...but I was in such shock that I don't even remember those first few weeks after he died....Christmas included) I start to feel panicky just thinking about it!!! Anyway, I better get going...If you can't get thru to my email again, please let me know. Talk to you soon, Cindy

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

HI all

Well tomorrow it will be a whole year since I lost my wonderful Daddy, I can't believe it, I am having a little get together at my house tomorrow with family and friends to celebrate his wonderfull life.

I miss him so much still, some days are easier than others, not sure how I will be tomorrow though.

My Mum was supposed to be spending the day with me, but she has been in hospital since Monday and was told today that she has to stay in for the weekend, so she'll be in hospital for the anniversary of her husbands death, that sucks!! She needs to get better for my brothers wedding on September 1st.

I've not had the best week so far!!

Someone hit my car on Monday, I guess its just a lump of metal that can be fixed, but i could have done without it!!

princessdss my thoughts are with you today, I'm sending you a hug from the UK x

My uncle also made an appearance last week and started asking my Mum about whether my Dad left him anything, I couldn't believe it, its a year down the line, he hasn't called to see how we are, especially my mum, because she is terminally ill and now he's asking for money, he had a go at me for my Dad's website, he said it was too personal, how dare he tell me how to grieve for my Dad, it made me so mad!!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Take care everyone

alwaysdaddysgirl

Michelle

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[kyle34]

I feel so alone. My brother came over and started a fight with me and told me it was all my fault the reason my dad treated me so bad. I don't even know how to grieve for him. I don't know how much longer I can stand this. My wife is so supportive and I hate it that she has to hear all this from my family. She doesn't deserve that.

[alex329]

hi cindy...............another thing we have in common.........i have a brand new can of paint for my nursery9when i do actually need it) its lime green!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love it!!!! i went to my doc today...they had to lower my zoloft as i was having sooooo much trouble sleeping........but she thinks im doing alot better,so that was good to hear.............i think i am a little better.........not great but ok for now............my husband and son are home safely.........thank god!!!!!! so i have alot more to keep me busy during the day...........its a good thing..............school starts sept 6th here.........so we are going to keep joey busy until then.................of course the dreaded school shopping!!!!!!!!!!!!! i went the other night to get his school supplies.............a $110.00 later i was done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and that just for 6th grade...............its so crazy what they ask for now...........but its over......so now just the clothes..............cindy ill try to email you again.........................nite all................take care tonight..................tara

[elly1234]

HI, im Elly, im new. im 15 years old and i lost my dad to renal cancer 8 months ago. 14th December 06, 8:58 am. ive got two sisters, 16 and 19. im 15. i just wrote a whole message out, then lost it accidentally, and im too tired to write it all over again! basically, it hurts more than words can describe. teachers, friends and others were overly sympathetic for about a month after, then it seemed like everyone suddenly forgot. major arguments go on in my household over things i don’t want to say. unfinished business kind of stuff. i hate crying in front of others, i cry silently at night mostly. i dont want attention, i just want others that can relate to my situation. my two sisters are fantastic, i laugh a lot with them and feel happy around them. no i realize suddenly i need to talk to people who dont know about me. i don’t know why really. my dad got cremated at the ripe old age of 49. always fit always healthy, cycling to work, never getting drunk, the family man. so much love inside him, so much care, so many bear hugs. he used to smooth my back to get me to sleep at night, now i lay here without anyone. sometimes i pretend daddys coming into my room, like he used to he always said 'night night, hope the bed bugs dont bite', and i used to say 'if they do, use dynamite!'. It’s the silly things like that i miss more than anything. his smile, the way his eyes went crinkly so you could tell he was truly smiling. his funny laugh, his soft, familiar smelling hair. his peircing blue eyes, strong yet soft. his motorbike was his pride and joy, he was always tinkering away at it in his garage. ive got a picture of me, about 3 years old, sitting on it with him standing behind me, his strong arms leaning on it. it makes me cry every time i see it. daddys space. i was the one out of us three girls who used to go down into it and help him, he even made me my own little tool kit. i remember the first time i went in there after he'd died. all his little tools still laid out so carefully on shelves and in his tool kit, his bicycle and motorbike on opposite sides. his brown work sandals next to the cupboard, which he got a lot of wear out of! his smell was instantly recognizable. he called me his little 'rib', as i was really small when i was younger. when he first got ill, everyone thought the tablets would work. we had hope for a couple of weeks, then we were told the tumors had grown. in his stomach, leg, neck. he was located to his bed. because my aunt was a doctor, he didn’t have to go to a hospice. he stayed at home and fought for weeks. i never knew how ill he looked until i look back at the photos now. when the tumor formed in his brain, he became confused. these were the darkest times. my sisters asked his to say what colour dress i was wearing (a black one), and he said 'a lovely red dress.' the worst time was, in his confused period, came into my sisters room, where me and my sisters were. he had his oxygen on. he sai 'girls, you've got to help me get better.' my oldest sister had to look away to hide my tears. my second oldest sister jjust stared. this was the moment when i knew it was all over. he finally lost his battle in december. i decided to go to school for the first time in weeks, and on that day he died. i still feel guilty now, though everyone says it was better i didn’t see him. when i saw my auntie after being led to reception, all she said was 'dads gone.' i collapsed into her arms and wept more than ive ever done so in my entire life. even though i'd been building up to this moment for so long, the words were as strong as a nuclear bomb. when i got home, i forced myself to see him one last time. i went in, and time seemed to stand still. he was clammy, pale and just not him. i remember picking up his fingers gently and letting them fall back down again, limp and lifeless. daddy had gone, and his three girls worlds had fallen apart.

Life’s still hard now, every where I go fathers are with their children, laughing and hugging, holding hands and chatting or eating ice creams. Shops selling magnets saying ‘if at first you don’t succeed ask dad to help you’ make me feel sad because I know I don’t have a dad to turn to anymore. Going to friends houses is hard, my best friends dad has recently turned 50, and seeing all the 50th birthday cards everywhere was difficult. In Spanish class I had to talk aboujt family, and I learnt past tense just so I could talk about my dad. Sad music is a no also. I’ve recently done race for life recently with my family, and raised over £100.

I cant write all my memories down in one message, but I think I’ve got most of what I want to say now, all I want now is to know how others are coping and if they have any tips for me!

anyway, this is most of my story I hope to get some replies from others who have had the same ordeal, other people who were always known as ‘daddys girl’. I know loads of people are in really similar positions, and it is comforting to know that im not alone in grief. Thank you for using some fo your time to read this

xxx

[kyle34]

Hi Elly. It's great that you and your dad were so close. I lost my dad 4 months ago and we didn't have a good relationship at all. My sisters were Daddy's girls too. There's always going to be certain times it hurts the worst. My mom pulled in my driveway this afternoon and when I went to meet her at the car she was crying. I asked her what was wrong and they were playing one of the songs they sung at my dad's funeral. I wish I had a close relationship with my dad like you did. I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what I did wrong for him to treat me so bad when I was growing up and even up until he died. I would give anything to have him back just so I could figure out what I did wrong so I could fix it all. I always wanted a close relationship with my father but he did not want that relationship with me. He had that relationship with my sisters but not with me. I know it's hard and you will have some hard times in front of you but as long as you have family to support you then everything will be okay. I'm having to deal with this alone because the rest of my family blames me for the kind of relationship I had with my father. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Kyle

[kyle34]

My life is falling apart. I'm trying to deal with my father's death and I'm all alone. My wife told me today she wanted a divorce. I don't want to lose her but I know I haven't been there for her. I'm having a hard time because I know my father didn't love me like he loved my sisters. I don't know how to handle all of this. It's too much. I love my wife and I don't want to lose her but I told her I wanted to try and work things out. She told me I would have to change and stop thinking about the past and how my father treated me.

[dollface]

Elly--

Bless your young teenage heart! You have talked about your father so eloquently, I feel as you are a beautiful person, inside and out. You are so lucky to have had such a relationship with your Dad. You were his "baby girl", huh? I was my Daddy's too. You're younger than I was when I lost mine. I was 27, but only 19 when he began getting sick. I am now 31 and can tell you that it takes time, the difficult times still come and go, but there are less of them. Tears turn into smiles when you remember the times you spent together.

You write so well, you should keep a journal of your grieving process. You could end up helping so many people. And in turn, help yourself.

Peace and love,

Tracy

[mamabets]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Dad...

I love you and miss you, always~ I will forever remember how you "called Danny home" and made sure that I would always know that he is now, safe with you.

You are the best and the garden is in full bloom!

Bets

xoxoxo

[alex329]

hi all............im not having such a good night............we have this annual festa at our local church right down the road from me and my dads house..........rides,games, food etc...........my dad loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!! well we were all there tonight and he wasnt..............it was not easy but we all had an ok tme..............they played "johnny be good" in honor of my dad..............because all the pople there knew my dad.....................it was so sad but very cool at the same trime.................i hope he ws there with us,in spirit................i wish i knew for sure buti guess we never will know..................i really thought id be ok by now but .......oh my god im not.............its scareing me..........why after 7 1/2 months am i still a mess??? i hate this..............i just want to move on with my life and i just cant seem to do it yet........................why???????????? its not a long time ,i know but im still so very sad....................i miss my dad soooooooooooooooooooo much it hurts..................i just want him back..............and i cant have that...........i hate that too................it was just to sudden for me and i cant get my mind to except it yet.....................its freaking me out ..............when does this end???????????? i need to move on.........its just to hard for me.............................night all..........tara

[missustoad]

I can't ever imagine recovering from my dad's death. Seven months-- a year -- ten years. He was an amazing man and the gaping hole in my life won't be filled by one single person. It will take dozens of new experiences, new friends, and new actions on my part to begin to heal (still under a month of mourning for my dad).

God Bless You. You have the right to still be grieving and remembering those happy memories.

Have you ever thought of creating a permanent online memorial? I created one for my dad at in-memory-of.com. It cost $100 permanently and so all the relatives kicked in. It was better than flowers because no matter where they are, they can add their thoughts/photos and I approve them.

You are all sisters and brothers in my own suffering heart.

Melody

hi all............im not having such a good night............we have this annual festa at our local church right down the road from me and my dads house..........rides,games, food etc...........my dad loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!! well we were all there tonight and he wasnt..............it was not easy but we all had an ok tme..............they played "johnny be good" in honor of my dad..............because all the pople there knew my dad.....................it was so sad but very cool at the same trime.................i hope he ws there with us,in spirit................i wish i knew for sure buti guess we never will know..................i really thought id be ok by now but .......oh my god im not.............its scareing me..........why after 7 1/2 months am i still a mess??? i hate this..............i just want to move on with my life and i just cant seem to do it yet........................why???????????? its not a long time ,i know but im still so very sad....................i miss my dad soooooooooooooooooooo much it hurts..................i just want him back..............and i cant have that...........i hate that too................it was just to sudden for me and i cant get my mind to except it yet.....................its freaking me out ..............when does this end???????????? i need to move on.........its just to hard for me.............................night all..........tara

[kyle34]

How can you mourn for a father that did not love you? I know my father did not love me because of the way he abused me. He also told me up until he died that he never regreted it. He told me I deserved it. It has been 4 months now since his death and now I'm trying to deal with the rest of the family because they tell me the same thing. They tell me I deserved the beatings I got. I know he is my father but I don't know how to grieve for someone that did not love me.

[mofirefly]

Tara - I'm so sorry to hear that you are having so much difficulty with the loss of your dad, but I want to remind you that there is no time limit on how long your griving will take....for me it's almost two years since I lost my mom, and up until just recently I couldn't bear how I felt - but lately the events that are taking place around me have dragged me back to caring for those people I love that are still with me. I will always miss my parents and if I dwell on how suddently my mom was taken from me I still lose it - sudden loss is a completely different event - Please be gentle with yourself - you will always miss you dad - but the grief of that loss will become something you will be able to learn to carry with you as you forge ahead in this life. Please take care! Candy

[mofirefly]

Kyle34 - I haven't been able to read all of your posts, but this most recent one so please forgive me for replying if I get facts wrong. You ask how to mourn someone that didn't love you - my thoughts are that you yourself have lost a piece of your makeup and therefore you may not mourn the death of your dad the same as many others on this board - but you will mourn a loss none the less. I would think you would have a lot of anger issues to deal with and I hope that you have a support around you, but if not, please come to these boards and vent out your feelings - others will gather around you here in cyber space and offer whatever support they can. You may never know why you dad felt the way you say he felt, but you need to try to discover what to do with your feelings so that your life will not be burdened by the past. Take care!

[kyle34]

Thanks for your reply Mofirefly. It's hard to get over what he did to me. I'm trying my best to forget. He only beat me as a kid but as I grew up he treated me like crap. He would run me down in front of my girlfriends and even tried to make a move on one of them. I know it's in the past and I am trying to move on but I wished I had a father that loved me.

[ownedby3]

Hi everyone. I am back from 7 days of vacation in Mexico and I have to say I feel a lot better than I did before I left. I am sleeping again so that's one thing down. I really tried to focus on myself and got massages and just relax. Taking care of my dad for so long really took a toll on me and my mom. I did get upset when I met a lot of honeymooners and really starting thinking again how much I'd miss my dad the day of my wedding. But one of the couples I met also lost her dad so she gave me some guidance. Everyone asked why we weren't engaged yet. I used to hate that question when he was alive and now I hate it even more. I think we will get engaged before Christmas but now is not the right time. I am pretty sure he knows that I can't be happy right now about being engaged, something my dad really wanted to see. I'm pretty certain Brian will wait til the timing is better.

Friday night before flying home I got teary eyed at the hotel because I always came home from vacation and shared every bit and piece of my vacation with him. Everything from what I ate to what I did. That made me sad. I played golf for the first time on vacation and took lessons because my dad's last wish was that I learn to play golf - he LOVED golfing. I wish I could have told him how horribly I played, but hopefully he was watching and laughing right along with me!

It's funny, we were in the plane flying and I was looking out the window trying to see if I could get an image of my dad in heaven. I haven't had any dreams yet or anything but thought once I was in the puffy clouds he would come to me. He has not come to me yet, but that's ok.

I got home Saturday and got more sympathy cards and the tears started flowing again. I went to my mom's yesterday and she has the picture board from the funeral on my dad's dresser still, I am sure to her it's comforting to see him everyday but every time I see that I cry.

I guess I should just go back to Mexico and drown my sorrows in massages and margaritas! Hope you are all well.

Elly - what a beautiful thing you wrote about your dad. I can't imagine the pain you are going through being so young. I too am the baby girl and daddy's girl so though I am older I am right there with you.

Kyle - my older brother and dad had a ton of issues (it's only me and him), it would take me days write it all. I am not sure how my brother has dealt with my dad's death as I am not close with my brother either. I took my dad's side growing up and as I got older and my dad got sick I was there, my brother couldn't deal. I have a lot of anger towards my brother still and in my dad's dying days really lost what little respect I had for my brother but I have realized I can't control what happened, though I try, I have to take care of myself and not control what happened in our childhood. But my dad and brother had tangible issues, so it's really not my problem that was between them, not me.

I would just say to try to find a place to channel your feelings, perhaps church or even a therapist or friend. Personally my therapist has done wonders for me. She often tells me "your dad did the best he could" and I truly believe that. It may not have always been good, but for him it was the best he could give. Being here is a good start. Try to stay positive and know that you have a lot of friends here.

[mofirefly]

Kyle34 - I don't feel that you should necessarily forget what has happened in the past, but try to move on to the future without it holding you back...the events of your childhood shape you as an adult. It sounds like you father had a lot of issues he never resolved and I wouldn't want that to happen to you as well...since you sound like you are a caring person who has been deeply hurt. I realize this is not the forum to discuss issues away from grief, but there is a board on this site that deals with beliefs - and if I were on that board I would want to remind you that you do have a heavenly father that loves you - and I know from my past that accepting that is difficult to do when you have not had a close relationship with a father here on earth. Please take care!

[alex329]

hi everybody...........havent been on...........trying to go to bed early and have good days.............im so sick of sitting around..........i was so busy at work tonight.im just here un winding now.........well i had very good news at my doctors today...........he gave me the ok to try to have a baby!!!! i will probably wait until jan......just to get thru the holidays........seeing as my dad died the day after xmas.................i will see how the next few months go for me.............then hopefully i will be on my way to have a baby..................im doing much better than i was............i still have bad days alot but now they are not alllllllll very bad for me...........it just takes time...........im still a crazy mess............but im better than i was.............so i consider that good news........im working at my job better,and getting out walking at night.....trying to lose weight that i put on after my dad passed.........even thogh i didnt eat ,at all..........i did drink alot to get thru it.....not anmymore................i had to get over that and i did.............it wasnt a good thing for me.........or anybody to be doing to themsleves..........but it got me to sleep so i drank......now i have to be healthy to have another child........so thats my focus now............its a good thing............i have never had to go thru this before soit is very hard for me all the time,but i do go on...........and that wasnt even possible a few months ago..........not for me anyways.............and im not totally at that place yet......i just know its getting just a little bit easier to wake up and get out everyday..............i have to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my dad would not want me to sit in my room all day and be so sad i make myself physically sick.............and thats what i kept doing everyday,,,,,,,,,,throwing up and staying in my room................i cant do it anymore............so im ok,for now..............that could change in a day.......but ill take it as it comes..............im so sad to hear all of these new stories...........i feel so bad for all of you.............please keep writing ..it has helped me greatly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all of these people are so kind and genuine and thats hard to find these days................we are all in the same boat as you and we know the pain that you all feel................its an awful pain but we have no choice in the matter..........so we all come here to vent and chat with one another as friends................im sorry for your losses.....................take care and god bless all of you......................nite tara....ps cindy and candy and jackie..............i hope all is well tonight with you.....ill be here if ya need me....................nite again tara

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

Good to see some familiar names on here

ownedby3- How's things?

I know what you mean about telling your Dad everything, when I got back from my honeymoon, my husbands Dad picked us up and it wasn't the same.

My DAd would have wanted to know every single detail, instead I sat in the back of the car and cried, it the little things that meant so much that can't be replaced, that's what makes this process so hard

Hope you are all well, well as well as can be expected anyway.

It was a year on the 10th August since I lost my precious Daddy, we've managed to cope through many milestones:

1st my Mum and Dad's 30th anniversary, next Christmas and new year, MY WEDDING, his birthday and fathers day and now the 1st anniversary of his death.

This year I wasn't having such a great week, my Mum was in hospital and was supposed to come out on Friday 10th (1 year ann. of his death) and she called me to say she had to stay in for the weekend, so I was most upset.

I had the day off work and I realised that my period was late, so I did a test and it came out positve, I'm having a baby! Its great news and that we found out on that day, but it would have been my Dad's first grandchild and I so wished I could have called him that day, he would have been over the moon and he would have been the best Grandad, just lie he was the best Daddy.

I'm so excited, but I know my child will miss out on so much love and that really hurts.

Anyone else know what I mean?

alwaysdaddysgirl

Michelle

XXXXXX

Take care all

[ownedby3]

Michelle - Congrats on the baby news! Perhaps it was your dad sending you a sign? Maybe you can look at it a different way and it can give you a little peace. Your dad wanted his anniversary day to be special for you in some way and wanted to make you happy. Perhaps that's his gift to you. Now not only will you remember your dad on the 10th but now you'll remember your new baby too. I know it's tough because he's not here to see your baby but he knows and is doing the dance of joy in heaven!! Didn't you say your dad was hilarious and a comedian/jokester and always made you smile? I truly believe in signs and am convinced this was a sign from him.

Ironic story for you, my mom's neighbors mother died of cancer and she was trying to have a second baby. The daughter ended up getting ovarian cancer and no longer could have children. All this while her mom was dying. Anyway, her mom kept telling her in the hospital she wanted to go to the 6th floor in the hospital (the maternity ward). Anyway her daughter kept thinking her mom wouldn't and couldn't die until she knew her daughter got her wish to have a second child. Well her mom died obviously without my neighbor having another child. About 1 year after her mom died she got approved to adopt a little baby from another country. She's convinced her mom went up there and raised hell and sent their second daughter to them. Her second daughters name is Mary. That story sends chills up my spine!!

As for me, I am doing ok. It's hard to believe 1 month has come and gone already. Your dad dies Aug. 10th last year and mine July 10th this year. I am doing a lot better than I was 1 month ago so it's slow progress. I think we will always find something that will strike a tear and I am starting to be ok with it.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. If you don't mind my asking, what's wrong with her? You definitely have your hands full and are one strong women dealing with such a full plate. That said, congrats on your new little baby, babies always bring joy and smiles to families so I'm sure your mom is thrilled!!

[dollface]

Michelle:

WOW--what a blessing! My best to you, your family, and your new peanut! I know what you are going through. I lost my Daddy in May of 2003, and found out I was pregnant in January 2005--a year and a half later. First thing through my head------How do I raise a child without the #1 person in my life cheering me on? How will I teach my little boy about the grandfather he'll never know and love as I still do. Well..........It's been almost 2 years since I was blessed with a beautiful son that I truely believe was sent to us by my father. "Hand Picked" if you will.

It takes a lot of work to get through the hard days. You have to remember in these next few months, as you are preparing, that you need to think about yourself. I actually find myself now, when my little guy does something I know my dad taught him, I just look up and smile.

Shout it out here anytime--I get it.

Peace and Love--

Tracy

[Guest Guest]

My name is Steven. My wife just lost her father a couple of months ago. Since then she has started drinking and has become very abusive. Nothing I do is right. I am trying to be there for her but she will not allow me to be. She will not allow me to sleep in our bed. She stays drunk constantly. The other day I walked in the house and as soon as I walked through the door she threw a glass that hit me right above my eye. I would never hit a woman but I don't know what else to do. Anybody have any ideas?

[mofirefly]

Steven - My first reaction to your post was thinking that two wrongs don't make a right...please do not respond to your wifes behavior with actions you will later regret. It is so sad that she has chosen such a distructive way of dealing with her pain over the loss of her dad. You need to try to find some support around you where you can recieve guidelines on what to do. Have you left your computer on to this site where she might be able to read some of the other posts and realize that she is not alone in her pain, but she needs help in how to deal with it without the support of liquor. All I can offer is that anytime you need to vent your feelings, these boards are a place to do so, and hopefully that will bring you some relief. Try to take care of yourself, you are not responsible for your wifes actions, but I realize that they are troubling you. Please take care.

[mofirefly]

Tara - was happy to read your latest news and I think you have made a very wise decision to wait until after the holidays to start planing for a new addition to the family. Your dad would be delighted to know that you are getting better - and I hope you continue to have many more happy days to ward off those rotten ones that seem to pop up out of nowhere. I've been off the boards way more than on - seems a lot of others I'm use to seeing on have been off as well. I sometimes think it's life that pulls us away from the boards...but I still come back because it is still a great place to let go of my thoughts and to read how others are doing. May each of those here take care tonight!

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

ownedby3

Great to hear from you, thank you for your reply, I hope you're right and it was a little gift sent from heaven to make a bad day into a good day, I wasn't sure how I would be on the anniversary of his death, and when I found out I was expecting ( we have been trying) I was late and left it a few days and thought I would do it on a significant day, and I'm glad I did, it made the day easier for my Mum and my brother and me.

My Mum has a terminal illness called schleroderma and raynards, she's had it for 14 years, she only has 26% use of her lungs and has ulcers on every finger and is in alot of pain with her hands, but she keeps her chin up and my brother and I keep an eye on her. She has to go to hospital every 3 months for a weeks worth of treatment, which always helps.

My brother is getting married on 1st September, so she wants to be well for that.

Wow what a great story too.

I think you are doing great your kind words really help me and you are still in the early stages of grief, but you are helping me and others on here I'm sure. I was numb for about 6 weeks after, I would get to work and not remember driving there, I was on another planet for a long time after it happened.

I have a feeling you're going to be just fine.

PLEASE look after yourself and keep in touch

dollface

Thanks for your words of encouragement, it must have been tough for you and I know that I will shed many tears over the next few months at each trimester which passes

Take Care ALL

alwaysdaddysgirl

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Michelle

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

Just something my Mum said the other day.

do you have photos of your Dads in the house?

I have lots of photos of my Dad, I did before he died.

My Mum says she can't have any up yet.

What's people's views on this?

I want my photos because I don't want to forget his wonderful smiling face.

[mariposa]

hi alwaysdaddysgirl,

I have photos everywhere of my dad in my house. On the refigerator I have photos of him and my mom (an old one when they were teens and the most recent one they took) In my living room I have a nice photo of him when he was in the military. In my room I have a photo of him and I when I was little and one of him and my grandma (his mom) She died 3 months before he did. I need to see these photos everyday. Even though he's gone he's still a part of me. Somedays it's hard to look at the photos but It also helps to see his face.

[ownedby3]

I have a picture of my mom and dad up and one of me and my dad at Disney World a few years ago but my dad was not in many photos. Most of the good ones are now on a poster board from the funeral. The pictures I dread not having are me and him on my wedding day. As I typed that I just started to cry. Uhg!

Thanks for the kind words Michelle. I am doing good. I also might add that I have a Life Coach so to speak (not a therapist) so she has given me a lot of guidance on grief and what I am feeling and has made me think of things I haven't before, she's helped me tenfold. And also helped me while my dad was ill. I'm not sure what I would have done without her.

I have heard of schleroderma, a few friends of our family are battling it so I know exactly what you are going through. I am glad to hear she is managing it to the best she can. I'll continue to say prayers for her.

Too bad you live in the UK, you sound so similar to me and I bet we'd be good friends!!

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

ownedby3

ah bless you, I found the months leading up to my wedding very tough, but on the day I was full of strength, it wasn't easy, but my Dad would have wanted to see me and Geoff happy on our special day, you too will find the strength when you get married,whenever that may be.

I think we would be great friends too,shame about the distance but at least we can still chat on the boards.

Your life couch sounds great, you sound as if she really helps, we weren't given any support at all, my brother and I went to bereavement councilling a couple of times, but it didn't really help, so we just tried our best to get through it together, my Mum, my brother and me have helped each other through it the best we can, you have good and bad days, and soon less bad days, but it takes time and patience, there is no time limit, I still have days where I feel like I'm back at day 1.

Mariposa and ownedby3

Does any of your family say anything about the photos, like 'they can't look at them'

I want photos everywhere, they still make me sad, because I miss him so much, but I couldn't hide them away.

Photos are memmories and they are memories I don't want to forget, which is why I have lots of reminders of my memories all over the house

What time is it there? Its 8.48PM here in the UK

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

alwaysdaddysgirl

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Michelle

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[elly1234]

just wanted to say thankyou to all the people who replied to my last post, i really appreciate it. it makes me feel a bit better to know other people have gone through the same situation as me, or who have given me advice/support.

todays been alright. ive been a bit worried recently, as ive been upset about a boy that i like. ive been thinking about him alot, then i feel guilty because if i should feel upset about anything it should be dad. i know i shouldnt feel guilty, but i cant help it. every day brings a reminder of the pain, such as photos or dads clothes. i have found a way of getting to sleep if im finding it difficult, i spray some of my dads lynx spray on my pillow and it smells of him, which is comforting. last night i really wanted to hear my dad say goodnight to me, then i felt i would be able to sleep. i really dont know how i manage to get through the day sometimes, when all i want to do is stay in bed.

daddysgirl- i have a few photos of my dad up in the house. im always scared im going to foget his smile or his face, so i look at them every day. i find it easier havng pictures up, as it make sme feel like he hasnt gone completely. my mum cries quite alot at photos, so i understand why some people dont want them up.

dollface- thankyou for the advice. ive started a diary now, which is helping me sort out my thoughts and feelings, so thankyou very much.

kyle34- thankyou for replying to my message, your situation sounds very difficult, i wish you all the best.

thankyou to anyone else who i havent mentioned who replied,

elly

xxxx

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

Elly1234

Don't feel guilty about feeling upset about other things, I know its hard and its still early days for you, but there is no need to feel guilty.

I used to feel guilty if I laughed, now I don't feel so bad, but sometimes I still wish I could tell my Dad what had made me laugh or I wish he was here to share it with me.

Grief is tough sweetie, it takes time and patience, some days are harder than others, but you'll get through them and I'm sure your Dad is very proud of how you are coping.

Take care Elly

alwaysdaddysgirl

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Michelle

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[ownedby3]

I don't have many photos so no one says anything to me. My mom has the poster board collage next to her bed on my dad's dresser from the funeral and when I went there last week I asked her if it was hard having that there. Because every time I see ALL those pictures at one time it makes me cry. She likes it and finds it comforting. I think everyone is different when it comes to photos of their dad's. I only have 2 pictures out but I really like having them, one is above my bed. I say hello to him every day

[mariposa]

Next month it will be a year since my dad died. I thought I was doing better but the last four days I've been in tears. I couldn't even go into work today. My bf says maybe I should go to therapy to "talk to someone" but I don't want to do that. I don't see how talking to a complete stranger about my personal feelings would help me. I dont know. I mean yes I know you're all strangers here but in a sense you're not were all sharing the same thing. I really don't know what to do. I guess I must be depressed if I keep crying non stop. My dad died from cancer. I was there when he died and I keep replaying that moment. It was horrible. Seeing him take his last breath and struggle to stay alive. We told him it was okay to go. We'd be okay and he was such a good man and father but he'd shake his head. He did not want to go. He didn't want to leave his family. I miss him so very much and I'm finding it hard these days to get through each day. I thought I was okay but I keep replaying everything that happened last year at this time.

[lynnny]

Hi mariposa-

In 10 days it will be 1 year that my dad has been gone. If you remember he too died of cancer and we started chatting back then. I can't believe it is a year already.

I assume what we are going through is normal. so to say. I have been having anxiety attacks these past few days because of remember what we were doing a year ago today and how he has not been here.

When i lay down at night i can't get him out of my head. The images of his last days and then at the funeral home. I just get so overwhelmed.

I was told by one of my friends who worked with hospice that noone prepares the mourners for the 2nd year.

I said what do you mean???? She said the 2nd year you have nothing to compare the last year to and what you were doing with your dad. I just know that everyday until the 27th is going to be tough....I am thinking of you during this time.....

[mofirefly]

Tara & Cindy - I haven't seen a post from you two in a while - I myself don't get here as often as I'd like to - I hope you two are emailing each other and keeping your spirits up. Just wanted to drop in and let you know I was thinking of you two. Take care!

[alex329]

hi candy and cindy and jackie.............i have really been trying to keep busy and going to bed early these days...................im doing alot better now that the zoloft has kicked in.............i actually went for for blood work the other day by myself..........sounds stupid ,but for me is a big deal..........my mom goes with me everywhere but she couldnt that morning,she was watching my 4yr old nephew..............so i went alone and got thru it............i also had a test done today and all is ok with that.........aftert 13 doctors..yes 13......i am totally healthy......just stressed from losing my dad.................im on on my way to healing and moving forward........somewhat anyways............im not dying like i thought ,so that is a good thing and a huge relief to me..........so now i have to move on.............i have no choice but to just remember my dad and all he did for us and his great personality............its so hard to do but now that i know im not dying i have to go on............weird..... i know...........I HOPE ALL IS OK WITH ALL OF MY FRIENDS TONIGHT.............. i will chatwith you soon.............days are getting a little better for me.............but im dreading the holidays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cant help it.........it scares me...............nite all.............tara

[lynnny]

Hi tara- I am so happy for you. You sound like you are doing better and that is good.....i was reading through some posts and am glad things are looking brighter....have a good weekend! lynn