Loss of a Father

[alex329]

HI KATHLEEN...........I HOPE ITS NORMAL BECUASE IM DOING THE SAME THING!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY DAD WAS APACK RAT AND SAVED EVERY CARD OR NOTE .ANYTHING........ITS HARD TO GO THRU THE STUFF..........WE(THE 6 KIDS) HAVE DONE IT A COUPLE TIMES BUT WE ALWAYS LEAVE WITH BAGS OF STUFF TO TAKE HOME...........ALL MY NEPHEWS TOOK HIS TIES.......HE HAD COOL TIES AND THE BOYS ARE ALL IN THERE 20"S SO THEY WANTED THEM............HIS CLOTHES WILL EVENTUALLY HAVE TO GO TO GOOD WILL..........HE LOVED CARHART COATS....SO ME AND MY SISTER AND ONE BROTHER EACH HAVE ONE AND THEY SMELL LIKE HIS COLOGNE.........WE WHERE THEM OFTEN!!!! I HAVE THE ONE HE WORE EVERYDAY.........ITS VERY SAD BUT WE CANT LEAVE IT FOR MY UNCLE TO DO....SO LITTLE BY LITTLE.........WE TAKE SOME THINGS........I ACTUALLY WENT TO A GRIEF COUNSELOR AND SHE SUGGESTED THINGS.......SO I FOUND A WOMAN WHO DOES MEMORY QUILTS.........SO I HAVE HIS FLANNEL SHIRTS,JEANS.PICTURES,TIES.ANYTHING WE WANT CAN BE PUT ON A QUILT..........IM HAVING ONE MADE FOR MY SISTER FOR HER BDAY IN MAY!!!!!!!! WITH HER PICS AND SPECIAL THINGS OF MY DAD..........AND THEY YOU SPRAY IT WITH ARAMIS(THATS WHAT HE WORE) AND YOU HAVE HIM WRAPPED AROUND YOU FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I THINK ITS A GREAT IDEA AND GET WAIT TO GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST WANTED TO PASS THAT ON FOR ANY OTHERS HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME AS I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I THINK WE ARE ALL TOTALLY NORMAL..WE ALL SOUND THE SAME............THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!! TARA

[daddy301]

You probably aren't making your mom feel like 2nd best. She is probably hurting a lot too and realizes if she went she would be ok - your dad would have to deal with the death not her.

I live in Maryland and my family is in Philadelphia. I can't tell you the number of times I am driving up 95 and think he'll be there when I get there waiting at the door for us. and then when I get there and he isn't it is doubly hard. I started to tell myself every day that daddy isn't there anymore and I can't call him on the phone but that was way too depressing and had me a wreck every morning. It is terribly hard to see his chair and him not in it. I imagine it will always be like this, how can you ever replace someone who was the best. And anytime we had a mecahnical problem we always called dad and I still find myself saying to my husband I'll call daddy and see what he thinks.

The one thing I regret is that my mom gave away all my dad's stuff in 2 weeks and I was a little freaked out. When I told her I wish I had known because it would have been nice to have something of his. She really thought that was nuts so I didn't get anything with his smell. I am glad we took tons of movies at all family events so we have his voice and self to look at. While it makes me sad that he isn't here when I look at the tapes I also get some sense of comfort. Good nite everyone

[kathleenplocinski]

Tara,

Thank you so much for responding to me. I am glad to know that I am not nuts. I think the quilt is a wonderful idea! I am going to have one made for me, and maybe my sister who was with me the night my dad died. I feel a little better....thanks...kathleen

[mindy10]

HI KATHLEEN, I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. WHEN I GO TO VISIT MY MOM I WALK AROUND AND TOUCH ALL THE THINGS I REMEMBER HIM TOUCHING RIGHT BEFORE HE DIED. I TOUCH THE BATHROOM SINK BECAUSE HE USE TO HOLD ONTO THAT FOR SUPPORT. I TOUCH THE ARM OF THE COUCH BECAUSE THATS WHERE HE LIED HIS LITTLE HEAD WHEN HE WAS DYING FOR 2 1/2 MONTHS. IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE IM TOUCHING HIM. SO YOUR NOT CRAZY WE ARE JUST TWO DAUGHTERS MISSING OUR DAD. TODAY I WAS PLAYING A TAPE AND MY DAD WAS SINGING MY WAY ON IT. HE HAD A BEAUTIFUL VOICE BUT WAS TO SHY TO SING FOR US KIDS. IM SO GLAD I GOT HIM ON TAPE ONCE WHEN I HAD A KEREOKE PARTY. MY 2 YEAR OLD SAID MOM YOU HEAR THAT AND I SAID HEAR WHAT AND SHE GOES PAPA SINGING. OF COURSE I GOT HYSTERAL CRYING. I COULDNT BELIEVE SHE REMEMBERED HIS VOICE. SHE WAS 18 MONTHS OLD WHEN HE DIED. I REMEMBER HIM ALWAYS SAYING MINDY'S HERE WHEN I WALKED THOUGH THE DOOR AND TODAY I WAS BEING MORBID AND THINKING WHEN I WALK THROUGH THE GATES OF HEAVEN I WILL HEAR HIM AGAIN SAYING MINDY'S HERE. MINDY

[jackiewitter]

Mindy, Your thoughts of heaven's gates is not morbid at all. I can hardly wait for the day that I can be with my Mom, Dad and little brother. I just know that Daddy will sing for me! My dad also sang, but he did sing for us as children. All of his songs were old and most of them were sad...I guess during the depression era they didn't learn happy songs! I caught myself singing one of his train songs the other day. My mom died unexpectedly, as did my little brother. My father passed away after my mother and he missed her so much. It breaks my heart to know how much he missed her. I am a only girl with 3 (now 2) brothers and I was always Daddy's girl. It is so hard to now be the "adult". I just caught the part where you said you could imagine yourself walking through heaven's gates and it just lightened my spirits. I know that one day, I will too, and I will see my family again. Wow, what a ton of catching up we will have to do...not to mention what a butt chewing they will get for leaving me here! I had to remind my oldest daughter today to take all the sorrow that she was feeling and try and move into the memories of the happy times. She called me shortly after and reminded me of some things that she had forgotten about her Uncle Jeff. It seems that when they are not here you have to dig deeper for the memories; that's when I have found some of the best ones, when I am trying very hard to replace the sorrow. I know it's so very hard when you have children because that is your first focus, but try to replace some of the saddness with memories and remember, that he will be there waiting for you at heavens gate. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[nickche]

Jackie, You sound so similar to me. I was also daddy's little girl with two older brothers. Even though now I am middle age with grown children of my own. I too keep going with the thought that my dad is in heaven rejoicing with his dad, mother and brother and singing "Casey Jones" with his dad. My dad also loved Willie Nelson. We played the song "On the Road Again" with a collection of pictures at his memorial service. My mother is still living but misses him so much. They were married for 61 years so it is sad to see her so lost at times.

I have to take out pictures often to bring back the happy memories. My husband and I were gone over the weekend and when I called home to check our messages I almost expected to hear my dad leaving a message wanting to know if we were home yet. He would always call wanting to know we made it home safe.

My thoughts and prayers are with us all tonight who are missing our "daddys".

[kathleenplocinski]

Hi Mindy,

Thanks for your kind words. First, I am glad that i am not going nuts by walking around my dad's house looking for whatever it is I am looking for. When I think back on the night my dad died, I can say for a fact, that I no longer fear dying. Because I am the baby of 7, and my parents were much older then my friends parents, I grew up always fearing the day they died. Having seen my father die, which was a horrible thing to see because he suffered quite a bit, I no longer fear dying myself. I am afraid of suffereing like he did, but I am not afraid of the end result. I look forward to being with him again. I know he will be the first person who will be waiting for me. we were very close. I think the problem that I am facing is that I can't get myself to feel happiness. I smile and have fun, but I won't allow myself to feel truely happy. I don't want myself to feel that happiness because I can't imangine being truely happy without having my father around. I don't know if that makes sence. I feel like part of my heart has been amputated and now I am left to learn how to live with what is left. I guess that is where time takes place. It's just hard, as we all know. Well, one day at a time. kathleen

[jackiewitter]

Nickche, At my father's funeral my little brother and I chose a song "Life is Like a Mountain Railroad". It's very very old and my dad used to sing it all the time. We surprised my other two brothers, we had orginally chosen very conservitive music and then we sprang that on them. My father had alzheimer's and the last three years were a rapid descent into that childlike world. We were blessed that he never got angry or violent. My mother passed away four years before my dad and though her death was sudden, it was in pain and anxiety, she tried so hard to hold on for Daddy. She did not want to go into the hospital because she somehow knew she would never come out. Daddy passed away with beauty. He was only in the most advanced stages for 3 weeks, he could no longer talk with clarity and he was no longer able to walk. But on his final day, I sang to him, I held his hand, I lay in the bed with him and I saw him smile as he left this world and join my mother. My little brother was there also, we watched as Daddy left us, I just had no idea that Jeffrey would join them so soon. I feel so very alone sometimes. It is sad when your family is gone. It takes part of your identity. But....I get up every morning now knowing that I will join them one day and that makes me smile. I am like Kathleen, I no longer fear dying, that's the only way that I can get to them, through death. I am not in a big hurry to jump on the train, but I am ready. But I do miss them so very much...so say a prayer for me and I will do the same for you. It was by God's grace that he put me with my wonderful family, it will be God's grace that allows me the rest of eternity with them. Peace and blessings...Jackie

[alex329]

HELLO EVERYONE........I WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME.........ALL I THINK ABOUT NOW IS DYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I THINK IM GOING NOW TO LIKE ME DAD...........IT CONSUMES ME ALL DAY AND NIGHT.............ITS AN AWFUL WAY TO LIVE........AND IM SOOOO SCARED OF IT..........I KNOW THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO PREVENT IT BUT I DWELL ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME...IM DRIVING MY WHOLE FAMILY AND FRIENDS CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SEE A COUNSELOR BUT I JUST CANT GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD..................ANY SUGGESTIONS THAT MIGHT HELP ME????????????????????????????? TARA

[alex329]

HI ITS ME AGAIN!!!!!!!! IM STILL UP.........IM NOTICING THAT WE ARE MOSTLY WOMEN ON THIS SITE.............THIS DADDYS LITTLE GIRL THING HAS GOT ME GOING CRAZY..........I HAVE AN OLDER SISTER BUT IM NOT DOING GOOD AND SHE IS...............I ALSO HAVE 4 BROTHERS.....IT JUST SEEMS LIKE IM HAVING THE HARDEST TIME WITH THIS........HE DID LIVE 2 DOORS DOWN FROM ME AND MAYBE THATS WHY............IT JUST WILL NOT SINK IN THAT HES GONE.......WHATS WRONG WITH ME??????????????????? IM BETTER IF IM TALKING ABOUT HIM .....WHICH I DO ALOT!!!!!!!!! WITH MY 10YR OLD SON,MY HUSBAND AND OF COURSE THE FAMILY........BUT ITS THE WORST WHEN IM ALONE ..LIKE NOW...........I JUST GOT IN FROM WORK AND CANT SLEEP YET.......SO ITS HARD FOR ME........I JUST WANT THE PAIN TO GO AWAY NOW!!!!!!!!! MY DAD WAS ALEX AND HIS BADAY IS 3/29...SO IM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT DAY.............BUT WE ALL PLAN TO BE TOGETHER AND GO TO THE CEMETARY AND HAVE A COORS LITE WITH MY DAD!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVENT BEEN THERE YET SO THAT WORRIES ME ALSO...........BUT I HAVE TO GET THRU IT..............SORRY FOR RAMBLING ...JUST NOT HAVING A GOOD NITE...........THANKS FOR BEING HERE..............TARA

[Guest Guest]

HI ITS ME AGAIN!!!!!!!! IM STILL UP.........IM NOTICING THAT WE ARE MOSTLY WOMEN ON THIS SITE.............THIS DADDYS LITTLE GIRL THING HAS GOT ME GOING CRAZY..........I HAVE AN OLDER SISTER BUT IM NOT DOING GOOD AND SHE IS...............I ALSO HAVE 4 BROTHERS.....IT JUST SEEMS LIKE IM HAVING THE HARDEST TIME WITH THIS........HE DID LIVE 2 DOORS DOWN FROM ME AND MAYBE THATS WHY............IT JUST WILL NOT SINK IN THAT HES GONE.......WHATS WRONG WITH ME??????????????????? IM BETTER IF IM TALKING ABOUT HIM .....WHICH I DO ALOT!!!!!!!!! WITH MY 10YR OLD SON,MY HUSBAND AND OF COURSE THE FAMILY........BUT ITS THE WORST WHEN IM ALONE ..LIKE NOW...........I JUST GOT IN FROM WORK AND CANT SLEEP YET.......SO ITS HARD FOR ME........I JUST WANT THE PAIN TO GO AWAY NOW!!!!!!!!! MY DAD WAS ALEX AND HIS BADAY IS 3/29...SO IM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT DAY.............BUT WE ALL PLAN TO BE TOGETHER AND GO TO THE CEMETARY AND HAVE A COORS LITE WITH MY DAD!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVENT BEEN THERE YET SO THAT WORRIES ME ALSO...........BUT I HAVE TO GET THRU IT..............SORRY FOR RAMBLING ...JUST NOT HAVING A GOOD NITE...........THANKS FOR BEING HERE..............TARA

[Guest Guest]

Hi I am also grieving for my dad who died on October 28th 2006, boy it sure is hard everyday when I think about my dad he was such an inspiration and always there to help me with whatever needed to be done. Everyday is a challenge to get by not to have my dad on my mind and always a tear in my eye. I miss my dad so much it is hard to explain to people without them saying you need to get on with your life. No one know what I go through everyday.. He was my dad my friend my kids felt like he was there second father. I miss my dad and I know I will see him soon maggie

[kathleenplocinski]

Tara,

I know what you are going through. I am the youngest of 7 and we were all very close to my father. Because I was the youngest, and grew up almost as an only child because of the age differences, I always felt like the one that was to take care of my parents. When my dad became really ill last June and had to get a trache and feeding tube put it, my brothers and sisters didn't know what to do. My dad didn't want hospice because the thought of dying never crossed his mind. He was a fighter. Because my mom is old it would have been too much to take care of him while he got better. So, I decided to quite my job and learn how to care for him. I took care of his trache and feeding tube. My 3 year old and I lived at my parents house for 2 months, until I knew my mom could handle doing all that was needed to be done for my father. By the time I left, my dad was doing pretty well. All my brothers and sisters and mother could not believe all that I was able to do. Even doctors had told me that I sould go into the medical field because I did a great job. Now, I have always been very afraid of needles and shots. I never thought I would be able to place plastic tubing through a hole in my fathers neck! But I did. It is amazing what you can do when you love someone. I would have given my dad one of my lungs if I knew it would have a 1% chance of working. I guess what I am trying to say is that our strength comes out at different times. I was so strong for my dad when he was alive. I put all my engery in making him better. When he died, I kept wrote and read his eulogy and sang a song on my guitar. But right now, I am so sad. I am taking this harder then anyone of my brothers and sisters. Not that they don't feel horrible, but I am just having a difficult tiime letting him go. I am not strong right now. And, I guess that is alright. It's alright to not be so strong all the time. I now I am rambling on and I am sorry. Some times I feel better when I talk about my experience. I know what you mean when you say it is hard when you are alone. I feel the same, that is when I usually come here. I hope you begin to feel better. Think of what you dad would want for you. Would he want you to be so afraid of death that you can't enjoy life? I have been so afraid of dying, before I saw my father die, that I have not been able to fully enjoy somethings that life throws our way. Try to live for your father. Try not to think of dying so much. I try to live the way my father wanted me to live, and when I think about death, I think about seeing my dad again one day. I don't know if I am of any comfort. You are in my thoughts...kahleen

[Guest Guest]

Hi Everyone,

I've quickly looked through these messages - I'll look more closely later, but I felt better seeing so many women feeling the same way I'm feeling right now. My father was killed instantly in a car accident a few months back. I feel completely ripped apart. I, too, was Daddy's little girl (I'm 40 years old). Age doesn't matter - actually, it deepened the relationship. I truly appreciated what a wonderful man he was. I feel for all of you, because I can see you're where I'm at right now. It's horrible. I am now cured of hypochondria - I no longer fear dying because I hope with all my heart that my last day here will be the first day I'm with him forever. If I tell my friends that, they think I'm nuts....I'm not suicidal, I just know that when my day comes, he will be the first face I see. I don't think that such a strong bond can ever be broken.

My heart goes out to you all.

[chele721]

I can relate to all of you and your extreme grief. I also am 40 and has always been daddy's little girl. I have 2 brothers who weren't nearly as close to my dad as I was. I am totally ripped apart. I cry all day long. I am so depressed...nothing seems important to my anymore. I am miserable in my marriage and I just want my husband to go away. I can't even imagine the rest of my life without my dad. I lived with my dad so everything around me all day reminds me of him. We did everything together. He was more of a father to my kids then their actual dad. Sometimes I just feel I can't go on. I have no self-identity. We were so much alike....we could almost read each others thoughts. I just....I dont know...(tears are pouring) I just want him back. Even it wasn't for my kids...I wouldn't even get out of bed or leave the house. I am in a 12 step program and it's taking everything in me right now....to just not go numb myself. I am trying to go to alot of meetings....but nothing seems to help. I keep hearing it will get better...but I know it won't. It just keeps getting worse....and I get more and more depressed. It just helps to be able to come on here and talk to other people who really understand.

Michele

[alex329]

HI EVERYONE.........IT WAS NICE OUT HERE TODAY AND MY DAD WOULD HAVE BEEN ALL DAY WITH THESE KIDS...AFTER SCHOOL.............WELL THE KIDS WERE OUT BUT HE WASNT...........IT WAS VERY HARD TO SEE THEM ALL PLAYING IN FRONT OF MY DADS HOUSE WITHOUT HIM................THEY ALL LOVED HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST CANT BELIEVE THINGS JUST KEEP GOING ON WITHOUT HIM.............DOES THIS SOUND CRAZY????????? HES NOT HERE SO WHY DO WE STILL GO TO THE MALL OR GO TO WORK..ETC...........I KNOW WE HAVE TO BUT ITS LIKE WELL HES GONE THINGS SHOLUD JUST KEEP GOING..........I KNOW WHAT I MEAN ...IM SURE I SOUND CRAZY TO ALL OF YOU........OR MAYBE NOT.........I REALLY THINK FOR ME ITS BECAUSE IT WAS SO VERY SUDDEN THAT I JUST CANT GET IT THRU MY HEAD THAT HES NOT HERE AND NEVER WILL BE AGAIN..............I SEE MY COUNSELOR TOMORROW SO THAT SHOULD HELP ME SOME..........SHES REALLY GOOD............I JUST FEEL BAD........AND STILL EXTREMELY SAD ALL THE TIME........BUT SOMEHOW I KEEP ON GOING WITH LIFE WITHOUT MY DAD...............I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!! MY HEART HURTS ALL THE TIME...........AND I ALSO AM SOOOOOOOOOOO SCARED OF SOMETHING NOW HAPPENING TO MY MOM........I WOULDNT BE ABLE TO GO ON WITOUT HER............WE FIGHT BUT ITS BEACUASE WE ARE SOOOO MUCH ALIKE..........BUT I WOULD MISS HER SOOOOOOO MUCH.........IT SCARES ME......SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND...........I KNOW SHE IS STILL HERE BUT THE THOUGHT OF THIS HAPPENING TO ME AGAIN WITH MY MOM HAUNTS ME...............SHES ONLY 68!!! BUT SO WAS MY DAD..........ITS AN AWFUL FEELING I KNOW THAT MUCH..................THANKS AGAIN FOR LISTENING TO ME........TARA

[cindyinalaska]

Hi Tara and everyone..

I haven't been here in a few days...my computer wasn't working. We had a guy come over last night and he fixed it in like two seconds flat!! You don't realize what a lifeline that you have in a computer until it's not working!!!

Well....I have been really down the last couple of days. Yesterday it was 3 months since my dad died. It's still so new..and I really hate the ups and downs that I feel on a daily basis. Most days, I still feel like not getting out of bed!!! I do... but it's hard!! This is not like me at all. When will this get easier???????? I know we are all in the same boat...I'm thinking of you all and hoping everyone here is ok. Take Care, Cindy

[cindyinalaska]

Hi again,

Has everyone heard the song by Jo Dee Messina..Heaven was needing a hero? It was played on Extreme Home Makeover on Sunday night. It's a great song!!! Just thought you might like to check it out. Bye for now, Cindy

[alex329]

HI CINDY....GLAD YOUR BACK ON.........I FEEL THE SAME WAY.........SOME DAYS I GO OUT AND ABOUT FOR AWHILE ,OTHER DAYS ARE SO AWFUL FOR ME.........I WENT TO MY COUNSELOR YESTERDAY AND SHE SAID.......STOP FEELING GUILY FOR BEING HERE WITHOUT YOUR DAD........IF ANYTHING TAKE YOUR DADS PASSING AS A MESSAGE TO YOURSELF HOW PRECIOUS LIFE IS.....ENJOY IT TO THE FULLEST WHILE YOUR HERE.......STOP THINKING OF DYING...WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE SOMEDAY..ITS A PART OF LIFE...........LIVE YOUR LIFE NOW.....EVEN THOUGH WERE GRIEVING DONT WASTE YOUR LIFE AWAY WORRYING ABOUT EVERYBODY ELSE DYING..............WHICH IS WHAT IVE BEEN DOING..........SHE SAID GET OUT AND DO THINGS EVERYDAY...........WE ARE STILL HERE WE HAVE TO GO ON...........I KNOW ALL SHE SAID IS TRUE ...BUUUUUUT IM STILL SOOOOOOOOO SAD............BUT SHE ALSO SAID YOU HAVE TO KEEP YOUR MIND ON OTHER THINGS .....THATS THEY KEY...OF COURSE THERE WILL VERY SAD DAYS ..THATS ALL IN THIS PROCEES OF GRIEF..........BUT YOU HAVE YOUR FAMILY AND WORK AND A GOOD LIFE...DONT WASTE IT...........SO I KEEP THINKING OF WHAT SHE SAID...........SO HOPEFULLY IT WILL GET BETTER IN TIME AND TIME IS ALL THAT HEALS THIS HORRIFIC PAIN WE ALL FEEL........WE ARE ALL DADDYS LITTLE GIRLS AND THATS WHAT PAINS ME SOOOOOO MUCH.............I WAS THE BABY AND WE WERE SO CLOSE........SO I WILL CONTINUE TO GO TO HER AND TALK TO ALL OF YOU.........THIS DOES HELP ME ALOT.....KNOWING WE ALL FEEL THE SAME WAY.............IT HAS TO GET BETTER SOMEDAY........JUST DONT KNOW WHEN IS THE PROBLEM.............ILL TALK TO ALL OF YOU SOON...........TARA....HOPE YOUR ALL DOING OK TONIGHT...........

[mofirefly]

Tara - Thanks for sharing what your counselor said to you...I hadn't thought about feeling guilty for still being here and reading that gives me some insight to how I'm handling things. I agree that going out and taking part in life is the right thing to do, and it does seem to help the grieving, but the missing of our loved ones will be a part of us forever. Hope you are doing ok. Take Care, Candy

[1914128]

Hi my name is debbie. I lost my father on July 24,2006. my life has been very different now that my dad is not here. I'm a mother o 4 kids and they help me make through the days. I feel bad , i feel like i'm not being the good mother to them all my sadness i let them see,but i dont know even how to deal with the lost of my dad. Mydad was my bestfriend.He was always there for me and now he gone and its such a struggle.On the day my dad passed away my kids, me, my boyfriend, and my sister saw are father and grandpa take his last3breathes and it was the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with.i see it over and over and how hard it was for my kids and my little sister and i could not even hold it together for my them.When he passed something inside of me went with him. I'm not sure if iwill be able to move passed his lost.

[1914128]

Hi my name is debbie. I lost my father on July 24,2006. my life has been very different now that my dad is not here. I'm a mother o 4 kids and they help me make through the days. I feel bad , i feel like i'm not being the good mother to them all my sadness i let them see,but i dont know even how to deal with the lost of my dad. Mydad was my bestfriend.He was always there for me and now he gone and its such a struggle.On the day my dad passed away my kids, me, my boyfriend, and my sister saw are father and grandpa take his last3breathes and it was the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with.i see it over and over and how hard it was for my kids and my little sister and i could not even hold it together for my them.When he passed something inside of me went with him. I'm not sure if iwill be able to move passed his lost. AS MORE TIME GOES ON IT STILL HARD.THEY TIME WILL EASE THE PAIN.

[Guest Guest]

I lost my ex husband on feb 11 2007,my name is Donna, i have recently lost my ex husband, we had 6 children together, twins girls age 21, daughter 19 son 16, son 13 and a 8 year old son.. I moved in with him when he first was diagnosed with esophagus cancer, our divorce was rough, I gave him custody of my son 16, 13, and 19 yr old daughter after much advice from my lawyer against this, I felt giving my children a choice was the right thing to do, I was so wrong, we've been divorced for over 6 years, eventually there was a court order for my ex husband to stop telling the kids stuff like "your mom's a cheater" "she's going to burn in hell" and every aspect of the divorce, we came to terms with it but the kids in his custody did not.. when he got sick I moved in giving up a high paying job took care of him and the kids taking everything on.. I was there for every apt. chemo, blood work up etc even taking him home under hospice care that btw was barley even there for me, he had it rough, his hallucinations were horrid, I tried to keep the child from seeing this as much as possible, to this day I have nightmares reliving his death, I loved him very much just not in the way when we first were married, there was a lot of physical and mental abuse..now my girls seem to be adjusting each day is different, my 16 yr old son who once was so close to me now hates me, writes letters of death, drinking, he's been getting into trouble at school smoking and drinking,now he's completely closed up to me, I know he's grieving, he got away with a lot with his dad, but I'm much different then his dad, I don't give up or give in. I tell all my children how much I love them,giving each of them as much love and support as I can, I'm not back to work yet and won't until were moved and settled. it seams the only time he's decent to me is when he wants something, money, clothes, his requests are non stop, he's been caught stealing from me and stores. I'm at my end, I'm a tough love kind of person but I'm wearing down, physically emotionally, I need to know if anyone has gone through this, where I should go from here, my children that were under his care is unruly, they lie so much, lazy and expected to be waited on never picking up after them self's..if anyone has resources please help!!! I'd love to hear from you..

thanks

[asheepoo21]

hey everyone.

i havnt written on the dads section lately because ive been really focused on my mom's part of this. for me, 17 years old, and i have to talk about the death of my mom AND my dad. it sucks so much.

Tara, i have read some of your post's and i understand everything that you are going through. It's a little different with me though because I was a lot closer to my mom than I was my daddy, but of course I loved them both with all of my heart and it kills me that i have to wake up every day knowing that my parents are in heaven without me and im here, 17 years old, trying to finish up my senior year, getting ready to graduate, go to college in the fall, and get married and have kids in the future, and try and pursue my big dreams without both of them. Its so not fair.

all of you out there suffering a loss, please please please stay strong. i know its tough, i really do.. but you have to stay strong for you and for the rest of your families and your parents, moms or dads alike.

I dont know what I would do without all of you on this site because nobody around me understands what I am going through because all of my friends have their parents and its not fair at all.

stick in there guys.

-if you all would like to know more about me, please dont hesitate to ask or just look at my profile on here and read my story; you would be AMAZED.

ashley

[mofirefly]

Asheepoo21 - just wanted to say I left you a message on Mother forum. Take care.

[alex329]

HI ASHLEY.........I AM SOOOOOO SORRY THAT YOU HAVE TO GO THRU THIS AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE.........AND BOTH SEEMS SO UNFAIR........YOU DO SOUND LIKE A VERY STRONG YOUNG WOMAN AND KNOW WHAT YOUR DOING IN YOUR LIFE...THAT IS GREAT ........I AM 36 AND AM HAVING SUCH A DIFFICULT TIME WITH THIS..........I AM VERY CLOSE TO MY MOTHER AND THATS WHY I AM SO SCARED NOW THAT IF SHE PASSES ,WHAT WILL I DO???? I AHVE 5 SIBLINGS BUT THEY ARE NOT MY MOM!!!!!!!!!!!BUT I TRY SO HARD NOT TO DWELL ON THAT BECAUSE SHE IS STILL HERE.........THANK GOD...........I HAVE BEEN A LITTLE BETTER LATELY BUT I THINK OF MY DAD ALL DAY LONG EXCEPT FOR WHEN I AM REALLY DISTRECTED BY SOMETHING BUT ITS STILL VERY SOON FOR ME SO I ACCEPT THE THOUGHTS AND TRY TO REMEMBER THE HAPPY TIMES...........ANYWAYS I JUST WANTED TO WRITE YOU TO TELL YOU THAT YOU SOUND LIKE YOU ARE A VERY STRONG PERSON AND THAT HELPS ME..........THIS WHOLE WEBSITE IS AMAZING............ITS SORTA LIKE CHEERS.........EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME........WELL EVERYBODY KNOWS THESE FEELINGS OF THIS GRIEF WE ARE GOING THRU..............THANKS FOR WRITING ...TARA

[asheepoo21]

Tara-

No problem. Everyone tells me that I am a very strong person, and in some ways I can tell myself that I am, but then again, I just feel so weak inside, but I keep that inside of me to show everyone that I am strong. One piece of advice that I can offer to you is to try not to think about what your life would be like if you didnt have your mom because you are going to dwell so much on that and you arent going to be able to enjoy the time that you do have with her while she is still living and then when something does happen to her, you are going to be upset because you spent so much time thinking about her death that you missed a lot of good times with her! Everything that you are going through now, although I know that it is still relativly early for you, is going to make you a stronger person and you are going to be able to show that to people and be able to see that yourself. I can already see how much I have matured through the losses that I have experienced and how it is going to help me out, and hopefully i can help others, in the future.

As time goes on, you will start to focus on the things that you really need to focus on and not think about your dad 24/7. Right now it is just too fresh for that to happen so you are going to think about him all of the time. But I know that I get a lot done now that it has been a while, to where when it had first happened my head was always somewhere else thinking about my mom and dad. But periodically, several times a day, i do think of them. Some of the craziest things make me think about both of them, things such as smells, movies i see, songs i hear, things people say, things i read, etc. but most of the time it makes me happy because I can remember those things.

Stay strong, you will get through this, we all will, I promise.

Ashley

[alex329]

ASHLEY..........IM SO HAPPY YOU WROTE BACK TO ME.........LAST NIGHT AFTER I WROTE TO YOU I WENT AND CHECKED BACK TO YOUR HISTORY..I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU HAD TO GO THRU ALL THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO MANY LOSSES AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE ..AND HERE YOU ARE OFFERING ME ADVICE...............YOU ARE A VERY STRONG GIRL AND YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOURSELF!!!!!! AND ALL OF YOUR FAMILY HERE AND GONE ARE NO DOUBT VERY PROUD OF YOU............GET THRU COLLEGE AND HAVE LOTS OF BABIES AND A WONDERFUL LIFE WITH A GREAT HUSBAND.............YOU DESERVE IT...................I FEEL LIKE IM TALKING TO A 30YEAR OLD PERSON.............I KNOW IT WILL GET BETTER IN TIME ..I JUST WANT TIME TO HURRY UP IS MY PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANKS AGAIN FOR WRITING...YOU ARE TRULY AN INSPIRATION TO ME...............NITE TARA

[asheepoo21]

Tara-

I'm really glad that I can be on here and help out others just like you and I, but it makes me really happy that I can help you out and it makes it even better that I am a teenager helping out and adult. But i'm really glad that I can do it because I know how much it helps. Life is going okay at this point right now. i think i've finally settled on a college I think I want to go to Indiana University because i went to their open house and I LOVED IT. I'm really excited to start in the fall because i'll finally be out on my own (im getting an apartment with one of my friends) and i can start the beginning of my career (which is to be an othopaedic surgeon- i LOVE the field) I am actually going to spend my spring break with my knee surgeon going into the office and into surgery with her just to watch and learn, which i have done before, but I loved it so much that I want to do it again. My doctor is my biggest mentor when it comes to this and i'm really glad that I have her to do so.

anyway, if you need anything, just let me know. keep in touch with me on here, i check in daily.

take care babe.

ashley

[oilyducks]

having to go to the funeral home. My father died in october, recently was his 5 month anniversary of him dying and what would have been his 54th birthday on March 6th and also my 20th birthday on the 11th, the first birthday i have ever had with out being able to celebrate it with my dad. his death has been hard to deal with but i definitely thought i was doing better. I was at school, eating brunch on sunday when my phone rang and i knew it had to be bad news, my mom called to tell me that my grandma passed away that morning. I couldnt believe it. the other day i went to the funeral home, the same one we used for my dad and my other grandma and grandpa to make arrangements. it was so hard being there but i am dreading going there 2morrow for the wake and i know i have to go for my mom and for my grandma but i dont know if i will be able to handle being there, i can picture it the way it was on my dads wake and i just dont know how to handle it again. i feel like the whole thing is happen again and in a way it is but it is just so hard. thanks for letting me vent.

alicia

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

I haven't posted in a while.

I lost my father very suddenly to heart failure 7 months ago he was 55!!

I am finding that it gets harder as the months go on, I am getting married in 6 weeks and I can't believe that my Dad will not be walking me down the aisle, we were so looking forward to that. I also keep seeing people that look like my Dad recently.

It hurts so much and I feel like I want to cry ALL the time.

He's going to miss out on the most important day of my life, my children won't have a grandad, why did this happen, I keep looking for a reason, still not finding answers.

[cindyinalaska]

Alwaysdaddysgirl and Alicia,

I just read your posts and I am so sorry that you have lost your fathers too!! I was surprised to see that both of your dads were so young! So was mine...he was 54, he died the day before his 55th birthday on December 13th 2006!! I really don't understand why they had to be taken so young...with so much life yet to live. My dad didn't even get the chance to retire!! That's just not right! He would have been able to visit my family here in Alaska for months at a time...to see his grand kids... in just a few more years!! It isn't fair that we have to accept this new future, that we didn't ask for, with our dad's not here!! I just want you to know that I know what you are going through and I am so sorry for your losses!!

Alicia,

I am sorry that you lost your grandma too...My grandpa died just 2 months after my dad. He went to the same funeral home that my dad went to. The funeral home remembered my mom's and my uncle's names from when my dad was there!! I wasn't able to go to my grandpa's funeral because I live to far away. I had just seen him in December for my dads funeral and he was doing really well and was in pretty good health. He was in a car crash in January and was sent to a nursing home where he wasn't taken care of very well. He fell out of bed and fractured his skull and cut his arm pretty bad. I guess it was just too much on his body and he passed away. Most of my family went to his funeral and it was really hard for them to be there seeing my grandpa gone so soon after my dad had died. My younger sister just couldn't go... it was just too much for her to handle. She is having a really hard time right now and hasn't been keeping in touch with myself or my sisters. I guess we all handle grief in our own way. I hope she is OK!! I know that going to the wake tomorrow will be hard for you! I just want you to know that I will be thinking of you during this difficult day!! Take Care, Cindy

[mariposa]

Hi everyone. I lost my father 6 months ago. He was 53 years old and had prostate cancer for four years. I'm coming to a point where I can deal with it a little bit better but its still so very painful. I guess I can control more how and when to deal with my feelings. Not always though. Sometimes the tears just flow when certain memories come back to me. I know he's gone but I still can't believe it. I'm sorry for all of you who lost your fathers. My heart goes out to everyone. I know the pain. I wish I could make sense of it all. The only thing I can think of is that if we didn't experience the things we do, the things we suffer through then we wouldn't know how truly precious life is. Suffering such a tremendous loss helps us to grow and learn. Maybe it's not a lesson we want but I'm starting to realize thats just how it is. I never truly understood when someone would describe someone else as being bitter. I mean I understand the meaning of the word but not until I saw my dad suffer for 4 years with a horrible illness only to die at the end of his life gasping for air..thats when I realized what that meant. Going through all the crap I did and seeing how hard life can really be. Thats when I understood why and how people can be bitter. I made a conscious decision though not to be like that. It's not me to be like that anyway but I can understand why some people could be like that. Life is hard and I guess no one ever said it would be easy. Nothing worth anything is easy. I hope you all find inner peace and can come to terms with your loss.

[carla76]

hello everyone ~

i havent written in quite some time ... i was in the middle of writing an email regarding the one year memorial mass for my father when my brain turned to mush and i had to stop ... someone a few months ago had written that they could still not say the words "when my father died or my father is dead or had passed away" ... i am still in that situation ... i cannot believe, honest to god, that it will be a year that i haven't seen my father smile at me on april 9th.

wow, even writing this i've turned into a crying machine .. over the past few days, since march 12th to be exact, i have been reliving the memories of bringing my father to the hospital and cleaning the house to make sure everything was right in order when he came home ... going to the store and buying all healty foods and juices for him to start a health kick ... i cannot believe its been a year .... one of my best friend's lost her father in january of this year ... she often asks me if the pain goes away and i chuckle and tell her no ... the memories change ~ i think of me and my pop laughing and making fun of my mom and laughing all the time ... i think of really really wonderful times .... i wish i could say that those thoughts have brought me peace ~ but im not sure i can ... i dont know if i have found peace yet ..... i dont know if any of us have really experienced peace ... if so, please let me know what it feels like ... please .... my thoughts are always with you all .....

[asheepoo21]

I have posted this on the loss of mothers page also, but I want to put it out there for all of you here.

I am in a psychology class and currently on the death and dying chapter, I will share some of the things that I have learned with you and things that have helped me through this LONG process!

I can share with you guys a little that I am learning through my death and dying chapter in my psychology class that might help you.

The grieving process goes like this (in no special order though)

-denial

-numbness

-pining (hurting)

-dejection

-recovery

things that you can do to help yourself make the process easier on you are things such as..

-be VERY patient with yourself

-take care of yourself physically (eat healthy and get exercise)

-limit time with negative people. you need people who you can relate to and people who will talk positive around you

-cry.. its theraputic, and so is laughter. BOTH ARE NORMAL

-give yourself permission to grieve and give that same gift to your family.

-prepare yourself for the reoccurrence of intense grief feelings months or even years later.

**but the best thing your can do about grief is GRIEVE! its the price we pay for loving!

i hope some of this can help you all.. take it easy!!

[Guest Guest]

I still count the months and it has been 15 months. Shouldn't I be believing my father is gone. I still have his ashes and I know he wanted me to go to a certain place to let them go. Probably not the most healthy thing to do. To hold onto them.

The rest of my life is going on 'as usual'. But I really, really miss him and wish we could still share some laughs and time together.

We always shared our Reader's Digest with one another and talked about and laughed at the humor sections. I read the most recent one and just knew that he would have laughed at the same silly ones I had read. But now, I am lost again.

Someone asked me the other day what is the secret to going on without your loved one....I said there are more than one because everyone is different.

I feel so sad these days. I am grieving and I can't see even trying to go into that with anyone outside of here. I know here I am understood.

Thank you.

[alex329]

HI EVERYBODY................IM NOT DOING WELL AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TONIGHT IS MONDAY AND THURS IS MY DADS BDAY.................WE ARE ALL GOING TO THE CEMETARY TO HAVE A BEER WITH MY DAD.AND IM GETTING BALLOONS TO RELEASE FOR HIM................I HAVENT BEEN FEELING WELL AT ALL.........I HAVE HAD ALOT OF BLOOD TAKEN THE PAST FEW DAYS AND AM SO WORRIED ITS SOMETHING DEADLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE ITS JUST SO MUCH EMOTIONAL STRESS I DONT KNOW...........I JUST FEEL SO OUT OF IT AND HAVE BAD NAUSEA AND AM DIZZY.............WE WILL SEE............BUT IM REALLY SCARED IM GOING TO DIE NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT GO ON LIKE THIS..........HE WAS TAKEN SO SUDDENLY AND I WAS ALREADY A HYPOCHONDRIAC LIKE HE WAS ..NOW I THINK I AM DYING NOW..............MY POOR FAMILY..IM DRIVING THEM CRAZY BUT I REALLY DONT FEEL GOOD,COULD THIS ALL BE STRESS FROM NOT HAVING MY FATHER WITH ME AND HIS BDAY COMING UP SO SOON?????????????????????? FEELING AWFUL IN NY............TARA

[cindyinalaska]

Hi Tara,

I hope you are feeling better today. I bet it's anxiety that's making you feel so sick. Did you get any blood tests back yet? I'm glad that you went to the doctor to get your health checked. The best thing you can do right now is make sure to take care of yourself. I think that we get so bogged down in grief and depression that we forget the we need to take care of ourselves in order to be there for our families. I will be thinking of you and your family tomorrow...take a deep breath...and just take the day minute by minute if you have to. Let yourself feel the pain...I think we have to in order to heal. I haven't been letting myself grieve for a few weeks and I feel like I am ready to explode!! My husband thinks I am doing so well....I'm just hiding it better I guess. I know that the pain will eventually come to the surface...I just hope I am ready to feel it again!! Please let me know how you are doing...I know how hard tomorrow will be for you!!! Take care, Cindy

[cindyinalaska]

Dear guest,

I'm so sorry that you lost your father. My dad died 3 1/2 months ago...sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. The pain of losing my dad is like nothing I have ever experienced before. The friends that I have that live near me really don't understand because they haven't lost their fathers. I hope they don't lose their dads for a long time....I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone. It really sounds like your dad and you had a great relationship...he sounds like a fun man to be around. That's how my dad was too. His laugh is what I miss most. I hope you are doing ok today. Please come back to these boards...we really do understand what you are going through. I hope to talk to you soon...Cindy

[redsgirl]

Hello Everybody,

I found this site due to a paper the funeral home gave me. My dad passed away on March 1, 2007 at 6:35 am. I miss him very much, have never felt a loss like this one. My dad had a very lengthy illness -- dementia and my mom and I were his caregivers. It doesn't seem to matter how long an illness is, it never prepares you for the end. I go talk to him everyday at the cemetery. It helps me. It still does not seem real to me. I have experienced so many different feelings the last almost 4 weeks. All of my friends and family have been supportive and very nice to me, however, I felt I needed an outlet like this one to help me through this time of my life.

I wish you all the best in your journeys of grief. Hoping to get to know some of you.

Thanks so much.

Redsgirl

[kathyanne]

Hi all,

I haven't been here in a long time but I understand how everyone feels (to the extent that I can). I lost my Dad - my best friend - last March 30th and while I made it through the holidays the last few days have been like I'm reliving his death all over again. It's awful! I thought that I'd progress and I feel as though I'm back at square one... this time with a huge sense of hopelessness. Dad was the light of my life and now that I've lived a year without that light? I don't know, I thought it would get better and if anything it's gotten worse. My grief books say that the 1st year anniversary can be just as tough as the first week but it's so damn hard! I'm 36 and feel like I have nothing to live for anymore. I have a long history of depression and Dad was the one person who could pull me through - now there's no one. I guess life is looking very black right now. Does this pass? Sorry to ramble, everyone I know thinks I should be moving on but I can't.

Kathy

[alex329]

HI CINDY.........MY BLOODWORK WAS ALL NORMAL.........ITS STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU FOR CHECKING ON ME .........KATHYANN,IM ALSO 36 AND I WAS HOPING IT WOULD GET BETTER AS TIME WENT ON BUT YOUR A YEAR INTO THIS PROCESS AND HAVE ALL THE SAME AWFUL FEELINGS THAT I STILL HAVE..THAT SCARES ME BUT I KNOW I WILL BE THE SAME WAY ....BUT I WILL GET THRU IT SOMEHOW....REDSGIRL, I HAVE A HUGE FAMILY AND LOTS OF CLOSE FRIENDS BUT I STILL COME HERE TO TALK ....IT DOES HELP...........WE ARE ALL GOING THRU SUCH AN AWFUL PAIN THAT NOONE CAN DESCRIBE.........MY FAMILY KNOWS OF COURSE BUT ITS HARD FOR MY FRIENDS AND I UNDERSTAND THAT.....I ALSO WOULD NOT WISH THIS PAIN ON ANYONE...........I NEVER KNEW HOW BAD IT WOULD HURT AND IT WAS JUST SO SUDDEN THAT I AM REALLY HAVING A HARD TIME............IT DOES HELP TO GO TO MY COUNSELOR.........IT CANT HURT..........IM REALLY TRYING TO GET OUT AND KEEP BUSY LIKE SHE SAID.....IT KEEPS MY MIND BUSY FOR AWHILE.....YOU ALL NEED TO KEEP COMING HERE TO GET THRU THIS........I LOOK FORWARD AT NIGHT TO MY NIGHTTIME FRIENDS AND YOUR EMAILS...............THIS JUST TOTALLY SUCKS BAD....BOTTOM LINE.......AND THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT...........AND I HATE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!NO CONTROL OVER THIS........I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO GO ON WITHOUT MY FATHER .....ITS NOT FAIR..............WELL NITE ALL...........HAPPY BDAY DAD(FOR TOMORROW)......TARA

[mofirefly]

To all of you who are facing the "first" year and then finding that because you've been told things get better after that, well, in a way they do get better, but you will still have times when something (a song, a smell, etc) will put you back to square one. The best thing about coming to this site is that you can be trueful about how you are feeling and no one is going to think "shouldn't you be moving on" and stuff like that. Until a person experiences a loss like those who post here, they can't possibly know what it feels like (did we know before our loss happened)? This place is a safe place to come to to release feelings, find support and comfort and know that you are not alone, as there are many others who have gone thru this before you and are still at times having bad days, but also having good ones...isn't life full of bad and good days all the time. Not sure if my thoughts are getting down on paper the way I want them to, but please know that others care and will be thinking of you as you travel this bumpy road and will try to lift you up whenever you fall into a pothole. Please take care!

[stansbaby]

It has been a long time since I have been on here. To bring everyone up to speed..my dad died on June 7th 2006 of sudden cardiac arrest while he was jogging. He was 51.

Days are still hard. Some days harder than others. Last night was a bad night as I was having flashbacks of having to go identify the most beautiful man in my life in a hospital morgue. Those thoughts are haunting and I try to push them to the back of my mind, but unfortunately the thoughts arise anyways. I find myself thinking of the funeral....oh how I try to forget how his beautiful hands were then so shriveled and hard. It just breaks my heart into a million pieces.

Anyways, for all of you that everyone tells you that time will heal...well....it doesn't ever heal. What time does is teach you new ways each day to cope with your loss. I don't think we are ever "healed" because there is always that hurt there. But we learn in time different methods to deal with our saddness.

God bless each of you!

-Andrea

[nickche]

Mofirefly, Your words are very comforting and I appreciate your insight.

Tara, I am so glad your bloodwork came back fine and you are o.k. Isn't it crazy what stress can do to our bodies and mind? I am thinking about you today as you deal with your dad's birthday. My dad's birthday is in November but I am dreading Easter and Fathers day. Having family around will help.

Redsgirl, I know you will find comfort here. My father died (it is still hard to say that) on Jan. 29th of a stroke. He had a major heart attack last March so I did spend much of my time taking him to dr. appts. monitoring his meds and helping my mom with caretaking and cooking. He also suffered from a form of dementia. THere is definately a void after they are gone. Some days I think my mom is doing better than I am. They were married for 61 years. Just know that grief will hit you at the strangest times. Sometimes I still feel numb. Sometimes I start crying for no apparent reason.

Keep coming here it helps. There is no judgement just acceptance of feelings and others that can relate to what you are going through.

[alex329]

HI ALL.......WELL IM STILL HERE!!! I MADE IT THRU THIS AWFUL DAY SOMEHOW.........WE HAD A IG GROUP GO TO THE CEMETARY TODAY,IT WAS SO NICE OUT HERE,A BEAUTIFUL SPRING DAY WHICH MY DAD WOULD HAVE LOVED!!! WELL WHEN WE GOT TO THE CEMETARY THRY HAD HIS MARKER ALL MADE,JUST NOT PUT IN YET,,,,,,,,SO WHEN THEY SHOWED IT TO ALL OF US IT WAS VERY HARD TO SEE IT......ACTUALLY WRITTEN IN STONE AND SO FINAL.......THEY WILL PUTTING IN THE GROUND IN A FEW DAYS.........WE ALL HAD A BALLOON TO RELEASE SO THAT WAS GOOD..........WE STOOD AROUND HIM AND TALKED AND CRIED.....AND LAUGHED A FEW TIMES JUST THINKING OF THINGS THAT HE DID OR SAID..........AND TONIGHT WE ALL WENT OUT FOR A FEW DRINKS .......NORMALLY HE WOULD HAVE BEEN WITH US DOING THAT SO IT WAS HARD..........HE WAS A FUN LOVING PERSON.....LIKED TO DRINK BEER,WORK OUTSIDE(ALL DAY LONG) PLAY POKER WITH ALL HIS KIDS AND GRANDKIDS.....HAVE PICNICS AND PARTIES........HE WAS JUST A GREAT PERSON AND I MISS HIM TERRIBLY!!!!!!!!! I NEVER FEEL GOOD ANYMORE...........ITS ALL FRIGGEN STRESS.........I CANT STAND IT..........NICKCHE ,THANKS FOR CHECKING ON ME............I STILL THINK SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME BUT I HAVE TO STOP DWELLING ON THAT ALL THE TIME................ANYWAYS THANKS FOR LISTENING TO ME THE PAST FEW WEEKS AND WEEKS TO COME............I FIND COMFORT IN KNOWING IM NOT ALONE AND IM NOT CRAZY FOR ALL THESE FEELINGS I HAVE.............I NEVER HAVE HAD A PAIN IN MY HEART LIKE THIS...EVER!!!!!!!!! I WANT IT TO GO AWAY.............AND NOW!!!! BUT I KNOW THATS NOT POSSIBLE..........IM HANGING IN THERE THE BEST THAT I CAN FOR NOW...........NITE TARA

[mofirefly]

Tara - I'm glad the weather was beautiful today. Know this was a very hard one to get thru, but you did...so to paraphrase an old saying "that's one small step for some, but a GIANT LEAP for Tara" Please continue to take each and every moment one at a time...you'll find a way to heal at your own pace. TAKE CARE!

[carla76]

tara ~ i'm glad you were able to celebrate your father's birthday the way that you did ... my father's birthday was october 29th.. i live in chicago and the weather is normally cold at that time of year and for his birthday the sun was shining at its brightest ... my father was from Peru and its customary to have a mass and celebration of life for the person ... my father's closest friends came to the gravesite (good lord that word still makes my stomach sink) and they sang and played the guitar ~ we sprinkled red and white flowers all over the ground ... it was really beautiful .... my father was a huge fan of dunkin donuts coffee ~ we had placed a cup of coffee right between all the flowers ...i know he was looking down and laughing with us ~

i am certain your father was looking down at you and your family as well ...

[mariposa]

It's been 6 months since my dad died. I broke down last night. I just kept thinking about everything. About him being sick for years and watching him take his last breaths and I kept picturing him in the coffin. I just broke down and I cried so hard I felt like I couldnt breathe. All the pain rushed back, all the pain from the moment I saw him take his last breath it rushed back and hit me so hard I thought only everyone here would understand me. Thanks for listening.

[mariposa]

Stansbaby (Andrea)

You're so right. I don't like when people say time heals all wounds because I think although I have good days I have horrible ones too. Lately I've been feeling better but last night was bad. I just posted a message about how horrible I felt and how I broke down last night. I don't think that time will heal what I feel because it will always hurt. I will always miss my dad. I will always carry the sad memories of seeing him so sick and dying in front of me. How can anyone be healed from something so heart renching and traumatic?