Loss of a Mother

[solemate]

hi Jane - I have sent you a private message - gayle

[ramsfan]

Libra1

I'm spending Sunday with my mother in law also.. I already feel my husband and in laws are walking on egg shells planning something for her  but trying not to "upset" me .  I would rather them talk about my mom them to act like nothing has happened. 

Be strong and I'll take my own advice as well!

It's almost over.

Ruth

[mofirefly]

Ramsfan and Libra1 - I as well will be at the mother-in-law's home Sunday...my third Mother's Day that I have to spend time there without being able to be with my mom.  I do not understand why people around us don't even mention someone we have lost on these special days - it's like it's taboo.  And when they reply it's because they don't want to upset us - well, sorry, I'm upset already and believe that I will remain upset for quite a long time.  I feel this year if no one mentions my mom, I will try my very best to mention her by name each and every time I can - She is so very much on my mind and in my heart.  The month of May was always her month what with Mother's Day, her anniversay on the 11th and her birthday on the 30th.  Sorry to be rambling - guess I just had to get some feelings out.  Do take care!

[ps90247]

Hi, All:

Mother's Day is tomorrow (Sunday, May 11) in the US.  I used to look so much forward to this day each and every year, but this day I am dreading it.  I can't wait for it to be over with.  I have been so down this entire week leading up to Mother's Day.  This will be my first Mother's Day without my mom.  I hope that after tomorrow, things will get a little better.  I already went through what would have been my mom's 79th birthday this past March 18th.  That was so, so tough and emotional.  Tonight, I will be attending a pre-Mother's Day celebration with my wife and stepson, but it still is not the same.  I told both of them they are both so very lucky to still have their moms on this Earth.  My mom made sure I was taken care of after she left but I would gladly give all that up in exchange for having her back a few more years.  Losing my mom is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  I will never totally get over it.  I just hope that we can all get through tomorrow without too much pain and sorrow.

Paul

 

[solemate]

This post is for my Wonderful Mum on her Mothers Day - Mum I cant believe its one year one month and 16 days since you and Dad left me.  Time has been unkind and there have been some dark days without you both.  I look at your photos today and tears have already started. I miss you both so much and although I try very hard to break the demons inside, they often come to the surface.  The pain I feel is sometimes so strong that my heart feels like its breaking. I know that you and I had such a special bond and I hope that you have and are still proud of me.  I try to live by yours (and my) values and thank you so much for loving me and teaching me life.  When I took yours and Dads ashes to Ireland and Scotland it was just like seeing  x 3 of you, your Irish relatives look just like you, one was even called your name Eileen. I felt you were alive again - they made be feel so warm and welcome.   This day was always special for us - it was a girly thing - I would cook a lovely meal and set the table so it was just right. We would have gone to the markets together and browsed around looking for that something special for your dolls.  I dont have that same energy since you have gone and market trips can be very emotional. You have taught me many things and I hope that I have been passing these down to my daughter, your grand daughter.  You would like her new boyfriend he is good to her and she is starting to be a lady and not a 'tomboy'  Today will be lonely with family doing their own thing and I will go to a Mothers Day service - Say hello to Pat for Paul, he misses her so much (and so do I)  I  can hear you now - Happy Mothers Day - same to you. Love your darling daughter Gayle

[robinann202]

 Yes, I have been reading through these posts from you all, we r in the same boat, to say the least.  I know it really is hard to deal and cope with.   I try to look at it this way, I deal with this daily--everyday--loss, missing, asking why, wondering--all of it. I lost my mom at age 58, I just turned 28.  My mom was hospitalized on the 17th of april, and died with me May, 4th.  It was 1,2,3.  I had no time--Week before hospitalization--everything was normal, pretty much.  Mother's day is one day i always dread and it is hard to see everyone out there--treating their mom's to a nice day--whatever.  I cant do it, havent for 9 years.  My mom was buried on Friday and Mother's day was Sunday, it ripped me apart-and I lost my mind.  I had a Dad who was sick at the time--and who only was worse with all of this.  He was incapable of taking care of himself.  I had to be there for him too.  My father later had a massive heart attack and I rushed him to hospital only to find out he died on the table, without even trying to repair--or "fix"  his heart, this was 2004.  I know what all of you are saying--and I know it doesnt seem fair--it isnt.  I am going treat tomorrow like any other day--try too.  I went to cemetary today--and I will go back tomorrow--maybe plant some flowers-idk--Every day I grieve, I miss my mom, dad, g/p--friends--everyone.  The best that anyone of us can do is to take one day at a time, living life to the best that we can.  i know it seems like it isnt enough--or it cant be--I know I had to change--I had to really decide--what i wanted to be like....It is very hard--to make any decisions or fight when you feel the pain of loss.  We all need to be strong and just live day by day.  Keep you loved one's in your heart--always thinking of the good times.  They are with you--they are missing you too--did you ever think of that?

[stephysteph13]

why do we have to suffer? mother's day without a mom? this sucks majorly. and i feel so crappy. and no one understands ughhhhhhh

 

[severn]

Yesterday I lit a candle for Mum, and wrote in a card I bought for her (I buy cards for her birthday, and for mother's day, and keep them in a special 'Mum' box with her letters and other things). Stayed home all day. You know it's the advertising that hurts the most and it's unavoidable. It seems to assume 'everyone has a mother'. The phrase 'don't forget your mother on mother's day' has a different meaning for us doesn't it?

The hardest part is when the candle dies out. I walk back into the room and it's gone, and there's just a stub. I put her framed photo back in the usual place, put the card on the bookshelf for a few days, and put the stub in the bin. And it hurts so much. It's like it's representative of her life flickering out.

Just know everyone that on this difficult day I'm thinking of you. And missing my mother right along with all of you missing yours. Hugs.

[robinann202]

Yes, that's what I did too today, stayed home alone.  Might plant some flowers this week sometime at cemetary.  Mother's day is always harder, but it is an everyday missing, dealing,coping.  Hope you all are okay.Robin

[thinkingoutloud]

I thought of the people on these boards yesterday, and I cried.  For all of us missing our moms at such a tender time of year.  It has just been over a year since my mom had a sudden heart attack and left me, and there are some days I feel so alone.  I know she thought I was strong enough to go ahead without her, but I think she had too much faith in me.

I try so hard to be a support to everyone else, and inside I feel like I am dying piece by piece.  I've gained 30 pounds, and I don't really even care.  I sometimes wish I could just eat myself to death.  (That was until yesterday when my kids told me about people having to be removed from their houses with forklifts after they die.  I think I was a more dignified exit....)

I have never in my life just stayed home from church, but I did yesterday.  My son was supposed to say a few words at the service about his mother and he said he couldn't think of any nice things to say about me anyway, so he skipped.  I couldn't face it with that and missing my mom, too.

My brother has been living with us due to his divorce, and he has been rude and feisty lately, too.  I feel like I can't make anyone happy.  And I want to retreat from life and keep reading and eating and never come up for air.

Then I feel quite guilty because I do have supportive friends and I do have kids at school who think I am wonderful.  Why does it matter so much when it is family?

My biggest fan was my mom.  I miss her so much I can't believe how bad it hurts.  I wear one of her rings on my necklace to feel close.  And I am supposed to be the adult.

I see my two remaining aunts having problems with memory, etc., like my mom did, and I worry about them, too.  I have always been close to them, and it hurts to see them going down the same path their three other siblings did.

I just needed a chance to complain.  Thanks for lending an ear.  As my dad always says, "Cheer up, things could get worse.  So I cheered up and sure enough...things got worse!"  I still know I have been greatly blessed.  At least I have something wonderful to miss.

[thinkingoutloud]

I love the way you said it...."I'm upset already and will probably be upset for some time to come."  That is perfect!

[robinann202]

I did plant the flowers at the cemetary for my mom, nana, and aunts--they look great--all their favorite colors.  I did make it there today--I'm happy I did....

[ginahunt3]

I hate to differ, but you are so wrong. I felt the same way since my Grandma died almost 3 yrs. ago, & sometimes I still feel that way. She raised me to be a strong, independant woman & I know that she would be angry with me if she knew how I was feeling, even the day after she died. What I'm trying to say is that your mom raised you, she knew what you can handle. There is not a second that goes by that I don't think of them, Grandpa died 2 mos. ago, & miss them like crazy, but I know that she would hate for me to feel that way. I'm pretty sure your mom would feel the same. Just knowing that is what keeps me from curling up & withdrawing from life.

[thecherrytree]

    Hey everyone. I just came across this website and after reading a few posts I joined and now here I am. This seems like a thread to tell stories so I guess I'll tell mine. I grew up with a dad, a mom and a sister nine years my senior. We lived in a modest house with a huge yard on the water. My parents were lucky enough to snatch up what was a cottage in a great neighbourhood before prices started to go up. So that's where I grew up. My parents were happy, and very much in love. They did whatever they could to help my sister and I grow, and that included putting us in a private school even though we couldn't overly afford it.

When I was 8, my mom got sick. She was 44 and I was about to turn 9 three days from then. She just wasn't feeling well and was sleeping in the day and almost bed-ridden. I don't remember much of this but what I do remember is that she checked into the hospital on a Thursday night. I was so confused, and would go to her bedside crying and my sister would pull me off of her and tell me to stop crying, to not let mom see me cry. Friday was my birthday and that night I remember my dad, my sister and I in the living room with the lights off, just looking out the window, eating homemade cake that my moms friend had made. She passed away on Monday. I still don't completely understand what happened, except that she had an anurism in the back of her neck, at the bottom of her brain. They were trying to fix it and I guess there was some sort of complication and she died.

8 months later my dad started dating someone. She had a daughter near my age so I just thought of it as a new friend. I was too young to realize that my world as I knew it was changing. My sister had moved out and my dad decided to sell the house and move the 2 of us in with his new girlfriend. I didn't even pack up my room, it was packed for me. There are books and things and memories that weren't kept that I'll never get back. I didn't fit in with my dad's new family, and there were a lot of problems. He was changing and I felt increasingly more like an outsider. I barely talked to my sister and went through a hard time in school even up until I graduated. Low self esteem being a big part of the problem. My dad was distant and we fought a lot of the time. He didn't participate in my life. He didn't seem interested in hearing about what was going on with me, or coming to see any of my drama performances and things like that. My dad is a nice person, I know he loves me and I love him but he is incredibly distant and I don't think he knows how to be a father to two adult girls. It's as if we've moved out and now he has another family that he spends all of his time with. My sister and I now live together in an apartment in the city. We completely support ourselves without any help from our dad. He doesn't call me unless it's necessary. If I want to see him I have to call him and set something up. It is very rare for my dad to call me and invite me to dinner. And he has definitely never called me and asked me to go out and do something with him, as fathers and daughters normally do. I feel like when my mom died, a big part of my dad went with her. The rug got ripped out from under my family. We were supposed to be one thing, and this event completely changed us to the opposite. A big part of me is angry that my life isn't what it was supposed to be. (And I realize that some people will not agree with that, and that my life path has always been this, but I think differently.)

and that's my story, mostly.

I'm open to any words of wisdom.

[mofirefly]

The Cherrytree - I don't really have any words of wisdom so to speak, but after reading your post I felt I should at least respond - that I'm so very sorry you have had to endure the loss of you precious mother at such an early age and so very near your birthday.  You seem to be somewhat understanding of your dad's behavior, but I can tell that doesn't help with the pain you've had to carry for so very long.  This is a place to come to and release your feelings and have support from others.  I'm not able to get on the boards as often as I use to or post very much, but I do hope you will continue to read and post for as long as you wish....and that it will bring you a measure of comfort as it did for me when I started posting.  Do take care!  By the way, the post from Diegos is probably spam...and will soon be deleted.

[sheela]

i lost my mother june 6th of last year and its coming up fast its on this friday. i feel so scared and alone, she was just about my only family left, my father is mentally handicapped he didnt get enough oxygen to the brain as a adult, so he just doenst understand or relate at all to what i am going thru and i mean at all. he is in another world. he and mother divorced before i was born, i often wonder what she ever saw in him at all. he is a handsome guy and was as a younger man too, but come on you need more than that to have a decent husband ya know ? her first husband had just died a year ? earlier in a terrible massive car crash in kansas. grandma said that maybe she was just hurting so much that she just wasnt thinking at all ?

my father was very cruel and mean to my mother all the time. he wasnt there in his mind enough to understand that it was very wrong ? but anyhow my point is that i just feel so alone. i have had such a hard least week. i had a massive migraine all of last week i have gotten them since i was 15 and they have never left me, i get usually at least one a month. anyhow i finally felt better on friday and went to run errands and all and when done got on the elevator ( i live on 11th floor in a downtown section 8 dump) and the elevator with me and another lady on it was going up and down hard like a yo-yo. how that is possible i dont know, but thats what it did. the last time it was like this it was a rubberized cable that had needed to be replaced etc. its like the cable was acting like a yo-yo i am surprised that it didnt just fall and crash with me and the other lady on it. plus to top all of that off i am terrified of elevators.. great huh ?

i know i need to move i have lived here with mother since 1995. thats when she first got real ill and couldnt do anything anymore and went on disability and i went on it too my migraines just became so bad and nothing at all and i mean nothin helps them it didnt then and it doesnt now either. anyways mother passed away this friday june 6th of last year. so sad.. i just dont know what to do  or how to escape that day. part of me feels like its such a sacred day and her b day is also like its the day of Christ's b day or his death day if that makes sense and i dont want to leave that day i want to go on forever so that i can just sit and remember her.

i have a aunt left who lives 750 miles away from me and i dont have a vehicle at all i would love so much to get to go and see her. shes such a sweet lady. she is my moms oldest sister. and i have a drug addicted sister who does nothing all day long but drugs. i feel so sorry for her but cant help her. i am in such a state of grief right now myself. i dont know what i could do for her anyhow even if i tried. i want to meet some one but dont know where to start at. its been so many years since i had a boyfriend at all like since i was 15 was the last one that i was real serious about wanting to spend time with, he was cute & rich but had problems. anyways i just needed to vent thanks for listening to me.

 

i feel like i need to cry today i have been thru so much lately,  first having a major migraine all week almost and then the elevator, then when i got home after getting off the elevator from hell which i didnt think was possible i figured that we would be stuck in it or something, i came in and put some pot roast that i had made in the microwave and it got to hot and popped it sounded like a bullet no kidding i thought i had it. i hollered  and ducked, the neighbors probably thought i had been shot, and then this afternoon gettting to the kitchen to get lunch i pulled out a plate and down came another one but it was breakable one and it broke all over, the little kitty was sitting right beside where it had landed at and she went running as fast as possible, and i almost did too. thank God i didnt get cut  and that she didnt get cut either. had to clean that all up and now i feel like i have a headache again coming on.. i wonder why ?

but i am hurting so much for mother, i miss her so much i just cant write on here and describe how much i miss her in my life. she was all i had.

 

 

 

 

[minnababy]

june third. eleven months since i lost my mummy. i'm not sure how so much time can possibly have passed. the day she died is engraved in my mind like it was yesterday. i can't believe that a year ago i was looking after her, i'd give anything to have that back again. i'd give anything to have her back again. just to have one more minute with her, just to have the chance to say goodbye, i'd give up anything. because nothing really matters anymore. i lost my whole world the day i lost my mum. i want to go back again to last year, maybe i could do better at looking after her, maybe i could have saved her. in one month it will have been a whole year since i lost her, every time i think about it, i want to be sick, i can't breathe properly. i don't still want to be alive on july third. i don't want to have lived a year without her, and i certainly don't want to live more than that. am i supposed to have got over it by now? that's how everyone makes me feel. they make me feel so guilty just for feeling sad. i'm not doing it on purpose, i just miss my mum, it's hard to force yourself to be happy all the time when part of you has been ripped away. i don't want to be alone today. but everyone's busy with their own stuff. i doubt anyone even remembers. everyone else carried on with their life, but mine got stuck. i can't move on. i'm stuck a year behind everyone else. i'll be 21 in july, but i don't even remember my 20th birthday. i'm so lost without her. and when i'm sitting all alone crying, i pick up the phone and i have absolutely no idea who to call, it hurts so much just realising that i'm all alone. i haven't lost my friends or my boyfriend, i just can't talk to them about it. they always look so awkward or annoyed. they make me feel like i should just get over it now, stop being sad cos it's annoying and i'm no fun anymore. i even phoned my mum's phone the other day. it makes me feel so stupid, but for all these months i've been unable to delete her number from my phone and the other day i just pressed call. i knew her phone would be turned off, i turned it off myself. but just to hear the phone beep and tell me the number i was calling is not in use, it hurt. but still i kept ringing. part of me hoped she'd turn on her phone and answer. it's all just stupid dreams. but being without her, it hurts more and more every day, it's really hard to get through this completely on my own. i miss my mum, i just want her to come back. why is that so much to ask, just to have what pretty much every other girl my age takes for granted? 

[mofirefly]

Minnababy - Absolutely nothing you did is stupid - you are simply so torn apart that nothing other people think you should be doing is possible for now.  There is NO timetable for grieving!  For many others on these boards the day of the loss of their mom's is a day that will never go away.  I remember how empty I was the first year, then how lost I was the second, now I'm in my third year and will still break down in tears if my mind slips off to what happened Sept 8th 2005...but last year on that anniversay of the accident something really great happened, so I'm doing my best now to replace the negative event with the better one....it's not easy, but it is doable.  Losing your mom is something that will change you - but it doesn't have to be a change for the bad, I hope and pray that you will find you way on this very long journey.  On July3rd - if others are so busy with carrying on with their lifes, you know you can come here and be surrounded by others who will identify with your loss and hold you up in cyber space.  For now, simply take one moment at a time and try not to let the actions of those around you upset you - I do believe that when they seem annoyed or say stupid things like you should be better - it's simply because they themselves have yet to experience a loss of someone they loved so deeply.  Please try to remember to breathe deeply and do take care.

[minnababy]

Mofirefly: Thanks for the reply. It feels stupid though, y'know. I mean who phones someone who they know is dead. There's just always that little bit of hope, every time my phone rings or whatever, that maybe it's her, maybe she didn't die, maybe it was all some big mistake. It feels like i'm living just to get to the day when i get to see her again, because that's what it's like. Like i just have to get through for a while without her and she'll come back, like she's just on a trip or something. Today is tough, no-one even remembers what day it is, it feels like i'm the only one. And i know it's cos to most people, her death didn't change their life completely, and there's no way they can understand, i just wish they'd try. Everything i've read says there is no timetable for grief and it takes however long it needs to, but its hard because i feel pressured to get over it, to just get on with things, to be strong and i don't want to be. I want to curl up in a ball and cry and have my mum look after me and make everything okay again. I can't imagine getting to the third year, even the second year. I want to just give up, i don't want to live without her anymore. I miss her so much.

[robinann202]

Minnababy,

I am so sorry for your loss.  If you want to roll up in a ball and cry--do it.  I feel for you, I was there, and I am still missing my mom after 9 years.  I am 36 years old--I lost my mom the same age as you--It rips you apart and changes your world, I know.  One thing I can say to you is you are going through your loss the way you need too--nothing is wrong.  Phone calls--ringing mom's number--I did it too--the first year--yes I did  I would call her at 1130-1200--everyday on my break and talk to her--everyday--Do you know how long I called the business of hers?--she was a hairdresser--We traveled--went to hair shows--she was my best friend and then some.  I thought I would see her--across the room--or outside somewhere--wlaking whatever.  It is okay--that these things are going on--I know it is terrible and it is not fair--I know.  You cannot change this, it will never be--she isnt coming back--but i'm sure she is with you.  I would think that by the way you are talking and the feelings I'm getting from you--your mom is amazing.  I feel she would not want you to be feeling like this and wanting to give up--I'm sure it hurts her as much as it hurts you.  You will become stronger eventually, nut it will always be there--the pain--the feeling of longing.  I can tell you to do something positive with it--write--journal--just write--everyday.  Write ur feelings down daily--go back in a year--re-read-you will be healing.  You are such a smart girl--I can see in your writng.  Do not feel like a fool--you lost ur mom--a big part of ur life--there is no time limit--a time phrase--period--whatever.  It takes time--everyone is different--You will be able to live again--it will always be there--it just gets alittle more tolerable--u get use too.  I wish you the best, and plaese write me--message me--I would love to chat with you.  I was there--and i am still there in ways--I can listen and be a friend--but it is worth alot, really.  Your friends--it happens--they dont know what to do--say--it is hard.  They just do not know-and they will find out when they lose someone--unfortunately.  Just find someone to listen--if you cant just keep talking here--we are all friends and we are going through the same things....Alot of strength and support is right here.  I have been involved in about 5 different websites offering grief support--in 9 years--and I can say that this is the best one availible--my opinion, idk about anyone else...Take care--Robin

[robinann202]

Sheela,

I am so sorry you are going through this and I feel your pain, as well as everyone else's in here.  We all are hurting and it is so sad that life is this way, but it is. you sound like such a sweet lady--i read alot of ur posts.  I too lost my mom, it was devastaing--and I was in shock for good while, wouldnt accept.  I did not live for a good three years after.  I was emotionally and physically devastated.  It hurt so bad, and still does.  Now, I am use too-or accepted, have no choice.  Keep praying, and remember mom--all the good things--fun times, her smile--laugh--what you did together.  When the 6th comes--remember all that--get rid of the bad--as you say---try too.  Pray.  I will say a prayer for you tonight just so that you will be okay--and I hope it does go okay.  I lost my mom at 28--and dad at 32.  It has been so hard--I have lost so many in the last 9 years, its unreal--do you write? Journal? poetry?--I know you mentioned you are alone--I am pretty much too--I have two brothers--a neice, nephew--and a few friends.  I am alone alot.  I know it is so hard.  I'm sure your mom is okay and at peace.  I'm sure she is with you--feeling the same as you..  She must miss you also--but i'm sure she is okay.  I'll be thinking of you on the 6th--Stay as strong as you can--Robin

[mofirefly]

Minnababy - Hey there, phoning her is not stupid and I've done it as well and I imagine others have too.  We all seem to try to hold on the the slightest possibility that they are not really gone - and I don't mean that as being in denial - I mean it in that it just plain hurts too much to believe and admit.  It does become easier - and I know that is very hard for you to believe right now because I never thought I'd get to feeling any better and spent many a night bawling.  Again, try no to feel pressured by those around you - they really don't understand and might not ever understand.  Those of us hurting here on these boards do understand - we were so very previlaged to have had someone in our lifes that we loved so deeply and who loved us in return that when we lost them - we lost a part of ourselves.  Please try to believe that you will heal - you will always have a scar - but you will heal.  Do take care!

[thinkingoutloud]

Minnababy and Sheela,

I promise you it is possible to live through more than you think you can handle or want to handle.  Time just keeps marching on, and before you know it those ugly anniversary dates are staring you in the face reminding you of all you lost.  I just made it through the first year, and the time approaching the anniversary of Mom's passing was the absolute worst.  Everything was raw and hurting, but when the date comes and is gone, the pain lessened for me just a bit.  I really miss my mom.  She was the fun in our family.  Never a dull moment, and she spent so much time making everyone feel loved and wanted.  She lived every moment with zest, and it will never be the same here on earth without her.  I feel for you as you approach these tender anniversary dates.

I teach school and was in talking to the principal one day after school.  She lost her mom about a year and a half before I lost mine last year.  She has always seemed to stoic about her loss before, because her mom had been very ill.  We started to talk about our moms and had a crying jag together.  As she said, when we are ill or stressed we want to turn to our moms.  They have always been there for us. Then when this biggest of all stress comes, they aren't there. 

I guess this baby bird finally got shoved out of the nest.  I wonder how high up in the tree my nest was and if I am going to get it all together or just splat through life?

Hang in there.  People don't know what to say or do, and so they want us to get over things because then they don't have to look at their own situation, and recognize that maybe someday they will lose something precious, too.  Often they are disconnected to some degree and will not realize what it is like until they go through the same experience.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone, even though I believe with heart and soul in an afterlife complete with families.  The interval pain is a nightmare, especially on those emotion-laden anniversary dates.

God bless you through it.  I will include you in my prayers tonight.

[DianeS]

My mom has been gone for 17 years and there are still times when I find myself automatically reaching for the phone to call her.  In the early years I'd go as far as picking up the phone before that stab of reality hit my heart.  My dad died this past September and I still have not changed the "voice dial" for his number on my cell phone.  I still say "Dad" to dial my step mom now.  I just can't bring myself to change it yet. 

I understand what you mean about wanting your mom here so badly, but not wanting her here suffering as she did at the end.  That's the rub, isn't it?  Death is so out of our control.  It is one of the things in life that we have absolutely no control over.  I think I hate that the most. 

You do adjust to your mom being gone...even though you don't want to.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of my mom and still miss her terribly, but the pain is not the same as it once was.  Now it's just a longing.  Like you, just one more hug would be enough...or we think it would be.  After that one hug though, we'd surely want another one...and another one...

Hang in there,

DianeS

[carlawarla]

Dear Valentin, I think you are a really disgusting person. This is a web site for people that have suffered a big, hearbreaking loss and you take advantage of it to adverstise your junk? I don't know if there really is a God but your conscience should be enough  I'm not a mean person so I hope , for you, not to see you agian on this site unless you're entitled to.

[DawnFisher]

From time to time, spammers (computers) break into the site with junk like guest Valetin posted.  I check the forums every morning and delete these nuisances. They are not people posting - just automatic spam generated by a computer that has found a hole (a way into) this thread.

If you notice anything offensive sooner (Trudi is a big help this way because of the time difference - she's way ahead of us timewise) feel free to contact me through tech support - that way you'll see notice if someone else has already notified me.

Thanks,

Dawn

Beyond Indigo

[Guest Linsue54]

My darling Mum died 4 weeks ago on 14th May at around lunchtime.  Life goes on around me, yet I want it to stand still, I want to be with her again, but for her not to be in the pain and discomfort she was in.  I want to feel happy again, I want my Dad to feel happy again, it feels that life without her can't have happiness in it.  I love her so much I miss her so much. 

[solemate]

Hello everyone on the boards - I started a new board "honour memory board" so we could place comments about the good things that we remember about our lost loved ones - Although painfull to me, it helps to remember the good things that I remember about my parents.  I encourage anyone if they feel the need to post to do so - it can be very rewarding.  Take care  Gayle

[need2talk]

Dear Linsue54,        So sorry to hear of your sad, recent loss. There's no easy way I'm afraid, but there are people here who feel your loss and understand. I'm 6 months in... the pain can be unbearable some days, and the disbelief, but we DO bear it, we do adjust gradually somehow. Time is weird in all this, weeks, months... mean nothing. I found that I kinda got a bit obsessed with dates for a long time. I still measure stuff against that date. Made a promise to myself to stop counting days after 100....it didn't feel healthy. Then I let go of the weekly count eventually too. It's these small goals that told me I had a little control over my grief.

It's so early for you. Don't expect too much of yourself. Allow your own time to grieve, don't be told when you should be 'moving on', it's crap. Try and remember to smile about her some days, painful as it is. Stay strong...

Jane x 

[Guest linsue54]

Hi Jane

Thank you for your kind words.  I do have good and bad days.  Life goes marching on, as muc as I don't want it to.  I wish with all my heart that I was sitting beside her bed now.  I resent the fact that days and weeks are going past so quickly.  I suppose all that is normal.  My daughter became engaged this week and we had a family party, but without my Mum there to share the moment, it are tinged with sadness.  I have had some tough and sad times in my life, but nothing compares to this.  And seeing my Dad's pain is difficult.  They had 60 years together, if it is bad for me, how much worse is it for him.

I do smile at some of the thing I remember about her, then I weep.  I know things will become easier for us, I am so lucky to have had her for so long.......... Hey, I am beginning to sound like her!  That was her saying, "I am so lucky"  She was ill for 30 years, and her more recent problems caused me and my sister to give her more time, to enable my dad to have a break, they were precious days with her. I knew she wouldn't have long, not that she had anything like cancer, I just felt that time was precious.  Like a child I asked for cuddles from her.

 Her last weeks were very difficult, does that explain this pain.  I don't think so.  A friend said that the way she was dying was better than her going quickly, as I had time to say things, and that was true.  I have times in  those weeks that will stay with me, but also times that haunt me.

Sorry if I am rambling.

Lin

[Guest LoriMangione@yahoo.com]

I am new to this website.  I had lost my mother, my best friend to Stage IV Lung Cancer on 7/28/07.  I can't believe that is almost a year.  It feels like just yesterday.  I love her and miss her so much.  I still can't believe she is gone.  I still keep asking why???????????  I am so lost without her.  We did everything together.  We saw each other every single day.  My life isn't the same anymore.  Somebody please help me with this terrible grief that I am going through.  Thanks.

[clittlelady]

LoriMangione,           I'm so very sorry, from the bottom of my heart for  your loss and the heartache you are suffering.  I came here tonight  on another forum, to pour out my heart regarding my 28 year old son, who is still alive, but is drinking himself to death.  I've reached a dead end, a brick wall, the helpless place that no parent wants to be.     I found this website almost three years ago, when I reached out, in the darkness of the night, with tearfilled eyes and found this place, a wonderful, soft place to fall.   A place to share and receive sincere love and support from complete strangers who have experienced exactly what you have and are and will be going through.    I saw your post and just wanted you to know, I've been where you are.  Knowing their death was inevitible and forthcoming, for me, became the force that kept me determined to make sure all of her wishes were met and honored and that she would leave this world as comfortably as she could and carry her dignity with her.  I was the youngest of her five children and her only daughter.   I was her late in life baby girl.   We were so close.  She was my Mother and Father, since my father abandoned us before my birth.   I can tell you that for me, I was determined that no matter what my weaknesses had been in this life (and trust me, we all have them), that I would not let this important time and place be hindered by anything or anyone.   It was definitely all about HER.   And it was extremely difficult to say the least and heart wrenching to take care of her.   I brought her back to her home to die.   And she knew that was what we were coming home for.   Her face beamed with a smile from ear to ear though when the ambulance attendants brought her back into her home.  I had already been her primary caregiver for the last eight months, but the last three weeks, were so exhausting emotionally and physically. Then again, at the same time, I felt it a great privilege and a tremendous sense of love through all that was taking place.    I had an elderly sitter with me that had worked for my mother for the last three months before she died.   This little lady was an angel in my eyes.   Her name is Miss Lillie.   She will always be in my heart.  She had seen death many times and was there to guide me and to help me know some of the progressive phases, as did one of the home health nurses.   Having someone to help prepare you in that is truly a good thing.    I wouldn't leave my Mother's side.   It was all so surreal.   I live in Northern Louisiana and the day before my Mother died, Katrina hit.  I had relatives who had come up from the souther part of the state, to say their goodbyes to my Mother.   Looking back now, it was all a fog.  Didn't seem real at all.   I had gathered some of her favorite christian hymns on cds and had her music softly playing in her room, old southern gospel style.  I would sing some of her favorites to her.  Her sitter would read her bible to her.  These were some of my Mother's favorite things.   She weighed all of 80 pounds,   she was in diapers and I tended to all of her personal needs.  I wouldn't let anyone change her but me and carefully, lovingly, treated her as the precious little lady she was.   I had the opportunity to whisper to her that I loved her and thanked her for all of her sacrifices she had made for her children.   I told her how very much I would miss her every day of my life.    I told her I didn't want her to go, but that when she felt it was time, if she heard angels call her name, that she should go and that we would see her again someday and always keep her love with us until that time.    The night before she left me, I was holding her, laying next to her in her bed.  She began to raise her arms and look up to her ceiling.    She had had a stroke and could not speak clearly at all, in fact I was the only one who could make out what she was saying.  When her arms were completely outstretched,  she began to smile the most beautiful, illuminating smile.   My heart sank and I asked her what did she see?  She said clearly, very clearly and slowly,  "Angels, Everywhere".   I put my face next to hers and gently kissed her.  I told her again, that I believed there were many Angels around her and again that I loved her and go when she thought she should, that everything would be okay.     She was unconscious the rest of the night and at 8:24 the next morning I watched her take her last breath, very peacefully.    She left.   I held her and loved her, knowing those days would be no more.   I'm not going to lie to you, it hurt.  My oldest brother who was there that morning when she died, he is an active alcoholic.  Not recovering.   However, during those last days of my Mother being here, he was totally sober and I am eternally greatful for that.   He had offered me pills to numb me during the days prior to her death.  I refused them.  I have never taken pills and these were prescription Xanax, no illegal drugs.  I suppose if a person ever needed something, that was the time I could have.  Strangely as it may sound,   I wanted to feel every little thing.    The hurt, the bittersweet goodbyes, the feeling of being proud that I helped honor her wishes, no life support and dying at home, in her own bedroom,  I needed to feel that.   I did not leave her precious little body until the coroner arrived.    These are some things that some people never experience.   Again, it was all very surreal, bittersweet.   I stood in her driveway as they brought her out and drove her away from her home, for the very last time.     Then....  Then, I fell to my knees and cried like a small child and cried and cried and cried.    When I was able to get up,  I felt cleansed, relieved that she would suffer no more, that her pain was over, that she left as she wanted to.    At that moment  I picked myself up and reminded myself that her journey has ended and that  my journey is still ongoing.    This is life, this is the cycle that we all go in and it reminded me of a saying about obituaries when they list the birthdate and the dash and the death date, that it is the dash that's important, significant.  It's what we do between the dates that counts.   The loss left a very large hole in my heart.  I will never be the same.   I will be okay, but never the same.    Sometimes we have to grieved hard,  but it is BECAUSE we LOVE HARD that we GRIEVE HARD.  We're suppose to feel that.   I see life so differently now.  All my aunts died before my Mom.   I have no women in my family left to talk to.  I decided that I'm going to live life and not just exist.    I want to live and love and  Honor my mother and the things she taught me to believe and stand for.    The grief takes many different phases and it is different for each person.  There is no set schedule.    Don't let anyone tell you when or how to grieve.   Your love for your mother and hers for you will always be there.   You will still feel it.  It doesn't go away.    You will find strength that you didn't know you had.   You will get through it and live.    I will pray for strength for you as your grieve the loss of your Mother.    I haven't been here in a long time, but coming here on a daily basis was a great part of my healing.    I've made many friends, some who have come and gone, but their words of encouragement and love will always remain in my heart.   I will check back tomorrow, to see if you've returned.   I'll be here, if you need me.    

[need2talk]

Hi Linsue, hope you're doing ok? We've both lost our lovely mums in very different ways it would seem. My mum was just 63, we lost her suddenly, just before Christmas .We found her at home, alone. Couldn't say goodbye, (hurts). Still dealing with the shock, (she wasn't ill or anything). My daughter(10) is my stength, mum adored her so I stay strong for her. Hard to enjoy much, but I know I have to try and live. 

I remind myself that I'm lucky to have had a love so strong and that my grief is a measure of this. I was never going to have her forever. Just wanted a little bit more time......

Surround yourself with your Family and love them all...it helps.

JX

[perfectfan]

It's been barely 6 months since my mum passed away and now horror engulfed me when we realised dad's suspected of colon cancer.  I'm so scared now, I can't imagine losing a dad, which I hope will never happen in the near future.  i can't imagine how am I gonna take this blow.  He's going for the endoscopy (spell?) on 9th July, I hope it's not cancer.

[minnababy]

wow, i can't do this anymore. it's my brother's birthday on monday. i'm trying to make his 18th birthday as special as my mum made mine. it's not fair. she should be here for this. the one year anniversary is coming up - july 3rd. 10 days after my brother's birthday, two weeks before mine. urgh. when i think of it, i want to be sick. it's hard enough getting through every day, i don't know how i'll make it thru that one. i can't even explain how it makes me feel. there just aren't words. i can't even talk about my mum anymore. if i'm telling someone a story which involves her, when i get to the point where i need to say 'my mum did this...' or whatever, i always change it to 'we did this..' or 'they did this...'. i just can't get the words out. why? i want to make my mum proud, but at the same time i'm just not bothered about anything anymore. i have no-one to talk to. everything was better when my mummy was alive. without her, i just don't want to be alive anymore. i hate the flashbacks. sometimes i see her how she was the day i went to see her in the morgue. i begged her to come back, but it was too late by then. and you'd think that that would make me realise she was gone, but even now, almost a year later, i still can't make myself believe that she really did die. it's like maybe she'll come back one day, and every day that she doesn't come back, it hurts a little bit more. i suppose i'll be waiting my whole life. i don't know what to do anymore. nothing gets any better. and everyone makes me feel like i'm being stupid, like i should be okay by now. i don't care whether how i'm feeling is right or wrong, it's how i feel and i wish people would try to understand, because really who is anyone to judge me when all their mums are still alive? there's so much i feel, but it hurts too much to write it. i don't actually think there are any words which can describe how i feel anymore.

[solemate]

minnababy - I have written you a private note - Solemate - gayle

[k9iamnot]

One evening three years ago my mother called me to tell me my father had cancer.

I drop the phone and drove to be with my father. My Mother was in denial along with most of my relatives. His sister thought she would drive down and take him home with her and make him better. My brother thought that we could feed him good food

let him rest and he would be ok. I called his doctor and got the straight truth he had six months to live. My brother had to call the doctor himself so he could acccacpt it and deal with it the best way for him would be.

I walked into my fathers room the same way i had done for fourth one years and he said to me I am dying dori. I said to him i know dad but not today.

We talked about everything we forgave each other for harsh words that we had exchanged over the years. I thank him for being a wonderful father,husband and provider. My mom and dad wear married for fifty years i grew up in the same house all my life. I thank him for that and many other things.

He ask me why he got cancer. I said to him this may sound crazy but i feel we have been blessed by god . He wants you home but have given us the chance to say good buy. Some people die unexpectedly or sudden and their loved ones are left to grief without being able to say goodbye.

The night of my father departure from this life to the nest. He waited till i was by his side. he had fell in to a coma the night before and i had to drive six hours to be with him. His sister was there his wife his son, grandchildren and great grandchildren.

The nurse from hospice told me she never experience anything like my fathers death before his heart stop thirty minets after i arrived.

[k9iamnot]

If it is cancer help him deal with it. If he is scared comfort him.

do not cry in front of him Help him accecpt his death. Let him knoe you will be ok.

[thinkingoutloud]

I like the way you express how this way of death was a blessing. God wants you home, but he wants us to have the time to say goodbye.  You are right, it is a blessing.  I helped my mom for the last year and a half of her life almost every weekend.  She lived about 100 miles from my home.  And every single time was a blessing for me.  I sense in the words you wrote that God has given you a gift of expression.  Thanks for sharing it with all of us.

[solemate]

hello everyone on the boards - well today was a step backwards for me.  I had a visit to my grief counsellor.  She is a wonderful person always ready to listen and has a endless supply of tissues.  We discussed lots of things and that I felt I should be better than I obviously was.  I know I have bad days when the world is rotating around me and I am just a blob in the middle.  Sometimes there is a glimmer of hope and that I am feeling OK and even feel like doing something for me.  Lately I feel everything coming back to me, all the grief, pain, sadness etc.  little things set me off and I fall effortlessly backwards.  Perhaps its time for some drugs! - I am not keen on any medication for this type of situation.  Can anyone comment on whether they have helped you or not.  I was on some natural tablets that were of some help - but I know that I probably need something stronger.  I miss my parents dearly and am constantly saddened by their loss.  Recently I read a posting (elsewhere) by my estranged sister.  Her posting upset me further - she felt that the loss of her parents was not as important as the loss of her son.  I know she is still grieving over the loss of her 22 year old son 5 years ago and I feel that her decline in her relationship with me is mostly due to her grief for him.  I cant help but feel that a loss is a loss no matter who we loose and the circumstances in which they leave us.  Grief is such a personal thing that no-one ever experiences the same as someone else.  I find it so hard to be happy these days and do the things that Mum and I enjoyed together.  If you are listening Mum, I love you and Dad and miss you all the time.  To all on the boards take care - gayle - sorry to ramble but tonight I am feeling a little low

[thinkingoutloud]

I miss my mom terribly, too, and I cry when I think of the loss.  But the first major loss I had was my brother.  Although it was a long time ago, I freely admit it was harder than losing my mother for this reason....I didn't know anything about how loss felt.  It made it deeper and more gutwrenching at the time.  Now, although the newer loss is here, I know a little about how to deal with it.  That makes it seem easier to handle than the first loss so many years ago did.  It is not that I love my mother less.  I miss her more than words can express.  It is just that I am more capable (still not capable at all if you could see inside my heart) because I have found that I can endure, and I will endure because she would not want anything less for me. 

It is only the perspecitve of time that has allowed me to see this.  My brother passed away in 1985, so I have had plenty of time to learn to handle missing him, even though he was my best friend on earth. When my mom passed away, although I am able to handle it better on the surface, deep down I fell I have lost a part of my soul and I miss her more than words can say.  But speaking from an analytical standpoint, it is easier to deal with her loss, because I know what to expect from the pain. It has taken a lot of years and maturity to understand this perspective.

I don't know if this helps in understanding your sister at all.  Also, as my mom said when my brother died, somehow it upsets the natural order of things.  Your kids are supposed to outlast you and carry on a part of you.  When they die before you do, you feel like you should have been the one to go, so they could continue.  Then when things don't work out like you expect them to, it is hard to wrap your head around it.

I think the most important thing is to remember to be kind.  It doesn't help us to do competitive grieving.  We need to hold hands and just hang on.

God bless you in your journey.

[solemate]

Thanks thinkingoutaloud for your comments - I have a hugh heart and hope that my sister will one day come around from the dark place that she is in.  I can forgive her for her nasty actions and cutting comments, but I doubt she will ever change. The deaths of our parents have taught me that life should never be taken for granted and that it can be taken in a moment without notice.  I am still experiencing bad days and feel that I should be seeking medical help in  the form of medication.  My Mum wasnt one for taking pills and neither am I.  Today was a funny day - the date 25th is the date that they both died - at the time (approx 8.30am) I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness, I snapped at my darling husband and just started to cry.  I realised only later that the date was the 25th and that the time was the time of their deaths.  I dont know what to make of it? Was it a sign by them to say hello? or am I just still suffering depression and grief?  I am confused and numb. - something good needs to happen so that I can move on. hoping for a something? - take care everyone - gayle

[countrysinger]

[user=0]LoriMangione@yahoo.com[/user] wrote:

I am new to this website.  I had lost my mother, my best friend to Stage IV Lung Cancer on 7/28/07.  I can't believe that is almost a year.  It feels like just yesterday.  I love her and miss her so much.  I still can't believe she is gone.  I still keep asking why???????????  I am so lost without her.  We did everything together.  We saw each other every single day.  My life isn't the same anymore.  Somebody please help me with this terrible grief that I am going through.  Thanks.

I'm new here too..not sure what I'm doing yet??My mother died many years ago when I was only 19...I wasn't as close to my mom as you  were.I'm not sure there is any answer to how to deal with your loss...you really never get over it...so many reminders...I'd say you are fortunate that you and your mom were close..now you have lovely memories,with probably no regrets..and sorry to say"life will never be the same",unfortunately.I'm so sorry for your pain.

[mofirefly]

Gayle - I'm so sorry you are having a rough time.  This journey can be exhausting at times.  If you truly feel you are in need of medical help, then seek it, but if you are having any second thoughts about taking medication, please review your true feelings.  Unfortunately, pills can only lessen the pain or depression for a time, the underlying cause is still there, ready to raise it's head at a moments notice.  Sorry if I sound a bit bleak, but I feel you are a very special person, and I wanted to try to share my thoughts with you in the hopes of making your pain a bit less.  I still marvel that you are able to get up and breathe after losing both parents in an accident, while I only lost my mom.  Do take care!

[solemate]

[user=15510]mofirefly[/user] wrote:

Gayle - I'm so sorry you are having a rough time.  This journey can be exhausting at times.  If you truly feel you are in need of medical help, then seek it, but if you are having any second thoughts about taking medication, please review your true feelings.  Unfortunately, pills can only lessen the pain or depression for a time, the underlying cause is still there, ready to raise it's head at a moments notice.  Sorry if I sound a bit bleak, but I feel you are a very special person, and I wanted to try to share my thoughts with you in the hopes of making your pain a bit less.  I still marvel that you are able to get up and breathe after losing both parents in an accident, while I only lost my mom.  Do take care!

Dearest Mofirely - thank you for your words of support - I value your comments and suggestions.  Yes I seem to be having a rough time - then again so do many of us.  I will consider the medication issues as you suggest.  I really thought I was doing so well - always trying to look on the bright side of life and not dwell on my losses.  I guess the demons have a strange way of creeping up upon you when you least expect them.  Being unhappy seems to be an issue - Im just not the same happy person I used to be.  Someone suggested to me recently that because I have lost 2 at once that I should divide the time since their deaths by 2 then I can see that it really has only been 6 mths.  That doesnt seem to make sense to me? Anyway thanks mofirely - how are you going? I often think of you and the many people I have got to know on the boards.  I continue on my journey and hope that a little happiness comes my way shortly.  My goal is to take the courage to get out my dear Mum's antique sewing machine she used on a daily basis to make dolls clothes.  I will try to sew something simple to start with as no doubt the materials will be stained with many tears!.  I am saddened that many younger people are now on the boards and are in deep pain.  I wonder how we can all help these younger people travel through their journey.  Certainly the boards are helpful - if any younger members are reading this perhaps you could start a new board just for younger people who have had a loss - your pain is different to mine in that I have had 53 years with my Mum and Dad and you may have only had such a short time. albeit we all feel the heartache of loosing our dear Mum (Mom/Mummy)  Take care everyone - Gayle

[perfectfan]

[user=20082]countrysinger[/user] wrote:

[user=0]LoriMangione@yahoo.com[/user] wrote:

I am new to this website.  I had lost my mother, my best friend to Stage IV Lung Cancer on 7/28/07.  I can't believe that is almost a year.  It feels like just yesterday.  I love her and miss her so much.  I still can't believe she is gone.  I still keep asking why???????????  I am so lost without her.  We did everything together.  We saw each other every single day.  My life isn't the same anymore.  Somebody please help me with this terrible grief that I am going through.  Thanks.

I'm new here too..not sure what I'm doing yet??My mother died many years ago when I was only 19...I wasn't as close to my mom as you  were.I'm not sure there is any answer to how to deal with your loss...you really never get over it...so many reminders...I'd say you are fortunate that you and your mom were close..now you have lovely memories,with probably no regrets..and sorry to say"life will never be the same",unfortunately.I'm so sorry for your pain.

Aye, I lost mine 5 days before my 17th birthday.  However I don't feel inferior or incomplete without a mother because for the past 16 years I had a wonderful mum, one who has groomed me into an individual i am today, a refined person with etiquette and social manners, an amibitious and goal orientated person I am today.  Everyday I am grateful for all that she has taught me.  She resides forever in my heart.

I had a typical love/hate relationship with my mum, but overall our relationship were as close as sisters.  We were totally inseparable.  And yes, it is very true to say "life will never be the same again", but take light in knowing it's better to have lost a mother who cared and loved than to be with a mother who doesn't act like one.  In a way, we are all blessed with the experience and maturity ever since our mum's demise. 

Stay strong!

[countrysinger]

Good to finally get a reply from someone...............oh that was young to lose your mother...yes you are right in what you're saying here.....I had mine for 19 years,but that doesn't seem long enough.............................my poor dad has been alone now for 41 years...kind of sad for him,I'm sure he's been lonely too.

[Guest Felics]

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[minnababy]

in six days it will be a whole year since i lost my mummy. i don't know what to do. i don't know how to get through that day, even just thinking about it now i feel like i'm going to be sick and i can't breathe properly. i want to die too. i don't want a year to have passed, it makes it seem like forever. it makes it feel like i should be a bit more okay about it, when in reality it hurts more than ever. how can all this time have passed, when it feels like only a few weeks ago that i last saw her? most of the time i can't even believe she's gone, i still believe she WILL come back, maybe that makes it easier to deal with. but my head just won't believe that she's gone forever. yet sometimes it's like she was just a dream, because it seems so long ago that i had a mum, maybe i just dreamed her, maybe she never existed. my head is a MESS. i can't even put into words how i feel, especially about the anniversary, i'm really not sure i'll get through it. i miss her every day. everything was just better when she was alive. her ashes are still at the funeral directors, i feel so guilty. but i don't know what to do with them, we never had a chance to have that conversation. i can't properly remember happy times, just when she was ill and suffering and fighting to breathe. no-one should have to suffer like she did. i still have flashbacks. a year ago today i seriously thought she'd got at least a few months left to live, but she was torn away from me. i want her to come back, i need her to, even just for a few more minutes with her, i'd give anything. even just to tell her i love her one more time, to hear her say she loves me...sometimes it's hard to make myself remember how much she did. and it's hard to remember her voice properly, i'm so scared of forgetting. 19 years with her wasn't anywhere near enough.

[countrysinger]

YEs that's just what I was saying...19 years was not enough....I hate Mother's day when everyone else gets to buy nice stuff for their mother,and I don't.....it's been over 41 years now since I lost my mom but yes it's hard to deal with .....you sound just like the way I am right now..dealing with the loss of my older sister,3 months ago.I can hardly believe it either.It just doesn't seem real...sometimes I think it was only a bad dream..my head is also like yours..messed up bad....I'm so sorry for you...I miss my sister more with each passing day.................I know I haven't helped you ,but I want you to know you aren't alone.....xoxo