Loss of a Mother

[chicagogina]

Yesterday would have been Mom's 91st birthday. It was a year ago on September 20th that she left me. Not a day has gone by when I haven't missed her, many days more than others. Life is so scary right now, being all alone, and now with this stupid economy the way it is. I am trying to move on and be the daughter I know she would want me to be. I just miss her SOOOO MUCH still, and I think I ALWAYS will!

When you're not married and don't have kids, or a pet, or anyone to focus your attention on after being with and loving and caring for your Mother for SOOO LONG (my ENTIRE life!), what in the world do you do to give your life MEANING again, and so you don't just feel like a hamster in a cage on one of those wheels, spinning and spinning but never really getting anywhere?? Life had so much meaning and purpose when Mom was with me, but now? Not so much. I am existing just fine, but I want to ENJOY life again, not just exist! But I don't know how or what to do ...

[stephysteph13]

im here if u need to talk. my moms anniversary is the same as your moms! i miss her ALOT to more than anyone could ever imagine!

talk to me

[chicagogina]

Hi Steph --- Your Mom's birthday was the same as my Mom's (10/10), or their death date is the same (9/20)?

[stephysteph13]

the death was the same. sept 20th was 2 yrs for me =/

[lisamden]

Hi Chico and Steph i've been a member awhile but haven't posted yet, our mums share the same anniversary the 20/09/ she died last year and mums birthday is on the 20th oct. I'd love to chat if you want, with losing them at the same time and all. x x

[timesremembered]

I can't believe it has been almost 5 months without my mom. It feels like a forever without her, yet it feels like it happened yesterday. My dad gave my mom a "room" with her stuff in it, and her pictures up and I just broke down when I walked in there today I cried and cried. I don't like this.

[need2talk]

I know what you mean about the time thing....starts to mean nothing....100 days could be 100 years and at the same time, yesterday. There's no sense of moving on. I'm at nearly 11 months now and though I'm dreading the 'anniversary' maybe that will start the healing process?? At the moment I just feel sort of stuck. When we lose them suddenly, unexpectedly and young, there's just no time to prepare or expect or imagine life without such an important, key member of your family. I think we have to feel this sorrow in order to heal. So hard when we simply just miss, miss, miss them. x 

[Guest cloudsaj]

i'm right along with you.  its coming up on the 11th month on the 26th.  the year anniversery is going to be really hard.  not looking forward to that.  it's hard right now, just tonight i was trying to finish some cross stitch pictures on my own but its hard because i'm not that good and my mom was the best she could do it so well.  now i don't know how i'm going to get my pictures done.  i just miss her so much and it doesn't seem like it's been almost 11 months.  my school is lacking these days as i don't have much interest in doing anything lately.  till later have a good night all

 

 

[Guest CindyM]

I lost my mother 2 !/2 months ago. I miss her so much. She was such a special person, and I miss the many times she would give me advice. She was so wise. I miss just talking to her. It feels like I am living in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. Oh how I wish I could wake up and she would tell me it was just a bad dream. I know she is in a better place, and I will she her again in heaven, but it is so hard living without her. I still have so much guilt over her death. If I had did this or that  or made her go to a specialist. She trusted me and I feel like I failed. I became a nurse for her and now my mama is dead. The one person I wanted to help the most I couldn't. Something I think I need to quit being a nurse because I couldn't help my mama, so how good of a nurse am I.  My mama got hepatitis c from a blood transfusion when I was born. My mama told me never blame myself for her having hepatitis c, but I know she wouldn't have gotten it if I hadn't been born. My mama died from liver failure. I wish I could have done more for my mama on earth, but I know she will be waiting on me when we are reunited again and she will have open arms. I just hope it just gets easier. I loved my mama so much.

[minnababy]

i can't do this anymore. 1 year and 3 months. i'm a mess. i've stopped eating. everything's so fucked up. sometimes it's like it was all just a dream, like i never had a mum at all. i've lost my family. i've lost everything. it never gets any better. nothing makes it better. i just want my mummy back.

[need2talk]

Last time I saw you was one whole year ago today...how can that be mum? We sorted the laundry out together, I kissed you bye bye, 'see you soon' I said....... but never again...... where are you mum? Are you ok? I love you so much mum ... this hurts so much, there just aren't words. love you,love you,love you x

[Guest Judysdaughter]

It was my mom's birthday yesterday she turned 62.  On October 30th, it will be one year since she passed away.  I miss you so much mom it's so hard not to see you, hear you, feel you around me.  You are with me though I do feel your presence and your encouragement.  I also feel your disappointment when things are not going well with me.  You have been the only constant person in my life where I knew I was loved no matter what.  What a big change not doing things with you, talking to you, getting frustrated sometimes.. lol.  You have taught me so much in life and death what a gift from above you are to me.  Do you sense how much I miss you...how much I love you?  I beg just to see you one more time just to hug you.  I know you are in my dreams and they feel so real.  When I wake up it's disappointing that it was only a dream.  I want to be with you really bad, but I know it will happen in time.  Just please stay with me....let me still feel your presence.  You are my best friend and always will be.  Since I moved after your death I am not close to the family and that's hard.  It seems like we are drifting apart and I know you didn't want that.  It's just amazing how much I need you...how selfish it makes me feel....I just want you back....I just wish I had 5 more minutes.  I love you so much... Happy Birthday Mom...someday.... someday again I will feel your arms around me.

[suelowe]

Hi, it's been a long while since i was last on here, but I'm searching for my mum.  She died 4 and a half years ago but it's starting to scare me a bit. It's starting to seem real to me. God, how I miss her!

 

I'm in therapy at the moment, so I don't want to talk to a therapist, but I'm beginning to feel the loss again.  One of my friends has both of his parents alive but it pains me to see them both (i also lost my dad 14 years ago, i've said about this a few times).

 

I don't know what to do anymore.   Oh man, it's mad.  I wanted to tell someone.

Sue x

[butterfly13]

It will be 5months soon since my beautiful mom died.The reality of her being gone for good and never coming back is finally sinking in and it's killing me!!It's not getting easier,it's getting harder to live without her in my life,theirs so much I want to tell her.The pain of this loss is unbearable.I wish to god I could have her back!!

[suelowe]

Butterfly13, 5 months isn't that long after the death of a loved one.  I thought I'd be 'over' the death of my mum after a few weeks, and a friend (then friend) said it would take me a while to get my head around it.  Four years later and I'm still really taken aback by her death.  It's 14 years for my dad and it still makes my stomach turn.

Grief is probably the biggest thing I've had to face in my entire life.  It does my head when people go on and on about how their parents are alive and what have you, espcially when Christmas and other special events like birthdays etc, are peeking round the corner.  I get heavy feelings in my stomach and all.  I know people talking of their parents when alive is part of their lives, but in my opinion, it's like a reminder that by the way, our parent(s) are no longer here. 

Hope you take good care of yourself, take each minute and hour as it comes. Everybody's different.

God bless

Sue x

 

[solemate]

Hello to everyone on the boards - just wanted to say that I am still hear and often read the postings - For me life is rolling along.  I am doing voluntary work and trying to relax.  I am also trying to loose some extra weight that I put on after the deaths of my parents (comfort eating!) The medication is working and I am not as teary as before.  I have decided to not look for work for a while and just concentrate on surviving the depression that seems to have taken hold.  I hope everyone is travelling OK and I wish you all well. Take care Gayle

[solemate]

[user=0]Judysdaughter[/user] wrote:

It was my mom's birthday yesterday she turned 62.  On October 30th, it will be one year since she passed away.  I miss you so much mom it's so hard not to see you, hear you, feel you around me.  You are with me though I do feel your presence and your encouragement.  I also feel your disappointment when things are not going well with me.  You have been the only constant person in my life where I knew I was loved no matter what.  What a big change not doing things with you, talking to you, getting frustrated sometimes.. lol.  You have taught me so much in life and death what a gift from above you are to me.  Do you sense how much I miss you...how much I love you?  I beg just to see you one more time just to hug you.  I know you are in my dreams and they feel so real.  When I wake up it's disappointing that it was only a dream.  I want to be with you really bad, but I know it will happen in time.  Just please stay with me....let me still feel your presence.  You are my best friend and always will be.  Since I moved after your death I am not close to the family and that's hard.  It seems like we are drifting apart and I know you didn't want that.  It's just amazing how much I need you...how selfish it makes me feel....I just want you back....I just wish I had 5 more minutes.  I love you so much... Happy Birthday Mom...someday.... someday again I will feel your arms around me.

Judys daughter - I was very taken by your wonderful words about the loss of your dear mother and how you are feeling.   I do know the pain and heartache of the loss of a mother and I am sending you big hugs from australia.  There is a Birthday remembrance on the link of Loss of a Parent - you may wish to also add something special from you about your Mother or anyone else.  I feel the burden of your heart and the sadness that eats away at you.  For me I have started to feel a little better after the loss of both parents together. Therapy and medication can sometimes help.   I have learnt to talk to my Mum (and Dad) and this I do mostly in private - I often look at their picture and although its only been one and a half years - there are still teary days but there can be days where I just smile and say how much I miss them. Most of all I wish you well and know that you have support on these boards - there are so many wonderful people who can offer suggestions or just big hugs.  I am often blown away by the sincere wishes of support from our friends on these boards.  Take care and allow yourself space and your own time to go through your journey.  Gayle.

[need2talk]

Gayle, I hope you're ok...your words are always comforting. I'm toying with the idea of some therapy. My mum's birthday is this Saturday 1st November, (I saw the picture of you and your mum, it was lovely, you're very alike!) then the anniversary I'm dreading 24th Nov, will mark One year since we lost her. I hadn't realised just how much this time of year would affect me. The leaves on the ground, the clocks going back, the temperature, even the smell in the air has me whooshing back to that awful day, and it's so scary and sad and, yes, still surreal. I thought I was doing ok, but not so....this has all crept up on me again. Tired of feeling so low, I keep trying to set myself goals, but my heart isn't in anything.

 I'm scared to mention it all to work colleges, even friends.... they sort of look at me with a mixture of symphathy and are clearly uncomfortable that I haven't moved on.....One even said, back in February, I must be "careful not to wallow in grief".(it had been 10 weeks then) Like I was allowing this to happen or something!

Anyway, all in this together I guess........hugs from the U.K. xxx  

[butterfly13]

suelowe-    Thank you for your comforting words.You're right,5months isn't that long,my father died 7yrs.ago and it still hurts,the difference is,when he died I had my mom to help me get through the really hard days,now I just feel so alone.I know what you mean about people talking about their parents and how it just makes you want to cry.Both of my parents died in their 50's,all of my co-workers still have both of their parents-most in their 80's.I'm happy for them,but it just makes me realize how much precious time I will never have with either of my parents.I miss them both so much!!!

[timesremembered]

I'm not quite looking forward to the holiday season, this will be the first everything without my mom, and I don't like it. My birthday is coming up and I am not really excited for it or anything, my dad is going to try to make it the best he can, but it definatly won't take the pain away that mom isn't there.

[chicagogina]

Last year was MY "first everything" without my Mom and it was horrible. I gotta tell ya that I THOUGHT things would get better during the 2nd year. But, with the holidays looming on us once again, I find myself thinking more and more about how much I miss Mom and getting more and more melancholy.

I even asked my sisters if we could all go around the table at Thanksgiving this year and say what memory of Mom/Gramma we were most thankful for. They said "no," that it would be too depressing. I was like, "WHY do you guys NOT want to EVER talk about her?! It's like you want to just sweep her under the carpet, like she never existed, when she was always such a HUGE part of ALL of our lives? I just DON'T get it?!"

Their reply? "When Gramma or Danny (my brother) or Joey (my nephew) died, Mom never talked about them again after they died." And I was like -- "ARE YOU KIDDING?! She talked about them ALL THE TIME ... to ME!" That's cuz *I* was the one who lived with her ALL of my life and *I* was the one who she trusted and who was her BEST FRIEND. They went off and made their own lives OUTSIDE of the home I shared with my Mother ALL of my life. So, of course, they just DON'T get it and they NEVER will! Unbelievable!

So, here I go ... into yet ANOTHER holiday season without my Mother and my Best Friend and the ONE person who cared about ME more than anything else and put ME as #1 in her life ALL the time. Now I am NO ONE's #1 anymore and I just go through day after day, getting better and healing SLOWLY, but STILL hoping for some purpose and some REAL JOY again in my life ...

[searchingpeace1974]

Today has been 4 weeks.  Everything is so raw and the reality of him not coming home ever again is sinking in each day.  I am struggling with my daddy's birthday right around the corner on November 16th, his favorite holiday- Thankgiving and then there's Christmas and my parents 39 year anniversary in January.  We pray for Spring to hurry up, the warm air and begging for lighter easier days.  This panic feeling and the lump in my throat won't go away.  I wish he was here, he was too young and this is too hard to face

[chicagogina]

I was where you are now about a year ago, searchingpeace. My beloved Mother and Best Friend, with whom I lived for my entire life, died on September 20th. Just 20 days later would have been her 90th birthday. Shortly after that was Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then one of the longest, darkest, saddest Winters I have ever experienced. It was the longest, hardest year of my life.

I still miss her more than words can say, and not a day goes by when I don't think of her. But time DOES ease the pain a bit. There was a time when I couldn't even utter the word "Mom" without bursting into tears. Now, I still cry once in a while, but not as often and for not as long. The void will ALWAYS be there. But, time will ease some of the pain.

[alysonm]

I miss her today. So much. It's like today it hits me that she's dead. She really is dead. How can that be? How can my mom be dead? I miss her so much. Time isn't helping. A year and a couple months and crap she's still dead and I can't quite comprehend it. I just want to see her in person and hear her voice, have her make all this pain go away. I can't even explain the yearning I'm feeling for her. I hate my life without her. I just want to see her, be with her. What am I supposed to do without her? I'm so lost. I'm dropping out of school. Again. I can't do it. It's not getting easier. I miss her. I hate this I hate that she died. I hate living now.

[alysonm]

Today is worse. Much worse. God I miss her so much. I don't have words to even explain it. Will this gut wrenching grief ever go away. I feel like dying would be better than this. I can't do life anymore, it so hard. I just want to be with her. I don't know how to live without her, I'm doing this all wrong. I can't work, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't go to school. I can't do counseling right, I can't be with my family. I just want her to come back adn for things to to go back to they way they were. Why did she have to die? Why? I hate my life.

[butterfly13]

I understand how you feel,every day I miss my mom more and more.Before I open my eyes every morning I pray that these last 5months have only been a nightmare,that I can reach over,pick up the phone and call her like I did every single morning-I would give anything to be able to hear her voice again,hear her laugh,see her smile.I can't believe I have to live the rest of my life without her.Where is she?Does she miss me too?

[timesremembered]

I have nights where I just lay awake just dreaming of just a hug from my mom. I think of how much stuff I would want to tell her, and how much I've grown up over the past few months at college, and all the stuff I do know. She'd be so proud of me. I have a friend here who's mom calls her all the time and even when we are together, and it kills me  because I know my mom would do that  like she used to, and I'd be fine with it and she complains about it. My birthday is next week..and I really am not looking forward to it at all.

[Guest Judysdaughter]

Today marks one year since the death of my best friend, my mom.  I took today off work to drive to the cemetary (3 hours) and visit my mom and bring her yellow roses.  I know my mom is not at the cemetary she is in heaven and in my heart but it's just the principal of honoring her memory next to my grandparents and aunt where they are buried.  I miss her so much this just sucks.  Her birthday was on the 24th and now 6 days later - 1 year since she has been gone.  If I only had 5 minutes with her again I would cherish it.  I get really jealous when I see other people still have their mom's but I know I shouldn't.  My mom is in my heart and I have to accept that's what I have until I am joined with her again.  I wish you all a better day and thank you for letting me be apart of this board.  It helps knowing I am not alone in this struggle.  I love you mom!

[chicagogina]

I SOOOO understand that HUGE HOLE in your heart and that gut-wrenching sense of loss and sorrow, timesremembered. I lived with my dear Mother and Best Friend ALL of my life! I NEVER married, had children or moved out of my childhood home, where I STILL live ... but WITHOUT her now. EVERY DAY is hard. It IS. And it is REAL. I felt the SAME way you do at the beginning. Some days I STILL do ... Like life would just be SOOO MUCH BETTER if I were just dead, too ... and WITH her and my Father (who died when I was 13) ... instead of CONSTANTLY having to face life ALL ALONE! It TOTALLY SUCKS!!!

But then, I remember her smile and her laughter and her loving face ... And I remember that she, too, experienced SO MUCH LOSS and was SO STRONG in the face of burying a son, 2 husbands, and a grandson! I don't know HOW she got through it! She was one INCREDIBLY AMAZING woman; that is FOR SURE!! And I have to remind myself every moment of every day, that she is looking down on me. She is proud of me. She still loves me and knows how much I love her and how much I miss her. She wants me to have a happy, fulfilled life and return to her one day with a smile on my face ... and run into her loving, waiting arms again. THAT is what keeps ME going.

May you be blessed to know that your Mother loves you and is ALWAYS close by, timesremembered, and may you hold TIGHT to HAPPY memories of her so that they can guide you and give you comfort.

[DawnFisher]

Hello -

I am posting Kelly's original post from the home page of www.beyondindigo.com/forums under the "Please Tell Us" thread "Beyond Indigo Reunion."  I thought that many of you might not have seen it there.  If you are interested in atteding a Beyond Indigo Reunion - or would like to help us in the planning stages...please post on that thread.

Thanks!

Dawn

Beyond Indigo

 

 

Hello all,

We are thinking about hosting a Beyond Indigo Reunion in Peoria, ILL next spring. It would allow people to meet other Beyond Indigo members in person. Could you please let us know if this would be something that would interest you? We would have social events by type of loss (child, parent, spouse etc). If this is of interest for people we would also be looking for "hosts" for each type of loss to plan events for that loss group. Please chime in!

Thanks

Kelly

Kelly Baltzell

President

Beyond Indigo

[chicagogina]

Just posted on the thread to which you are referring, Kelly. Thanks!

[sdksays]

Dear All, I too lost my father a few months back. None of us need not panic coz the truth we know is the physical one. The subtle truth is unknown. Loss of body is not loss of life. But to our bodies, it is certainly a loss unless we too join them some day. Whenever we are emotionally missing them, it is our helplessness on certain aspects where our father/mother/sister/brother/friend whom we would have lost may have been stronger than us. The younger ones are remembered due to compasssion and love in our heart when we miss their innocence.

Arent we more selfish in spending our time in emotions rather than concentrating on learing those aspects what we miss from our loved ones which I feel is a true obituary. Kindly correct me if I am wrong.

[need2talk]

sdksays....?? Your opinion and possibly an understanding that has bought you comfort. Personally I don't feel the word 'selfish' corresponds with grief in any way. Emotion's like sadness, bewilderment, shock and fear are normal when you lose a much loved parent. Something I will not feel guilty for.

Time will hopefully bring some measure of comfort...that is all we can hope for.

[sdksays]

[user=19198]need2talk[/user] wrote:

sdksays....?? Your opinion and possibly an understanding that has bought you comfort. Personally I don't feel the word 'selfish' corresponds with grief in any way. Emotion's like sadness, bewilderment, shock and fear are normal when you lose a much loved parent. Something I will not feel guilty for.

Time will hopefully bring some measure of comfort...that is all we can hope for.

It would be a diviation of topic if I start on this. But please tell me "When will you be in grief" if you are not associated with it? No time. That simply means to say that when anything emotional is attached to you, you are in grief. The attachment with yourself is the root cause and your loss of attachment has caused you grief. This is just an other form of selfishness that we always need our father/mother/brother/sister/wife/children to be around us till we live.

[alysonm]

I do not think that grieving is in any way a form of selfishness. Is a reaction that you have no control over. And yes it does have to do with attachment, and certainly the level of attachment may predict the severity of grief. Of course the more attached you are to something the more severe the grief response will be. Grief certainly isn't something that shouuld be judged. No one can predict the grief response of another person, but it definitely is not selfish for a person to grieve, because that person can not help it, it is an involuntary response to loss. And it certainly is not something that anyone should feel guilty for- a response that they have no control over.

[Guest Jozeff]

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[alysonm]

I miss her so much. I don't know what to do. Tonight is bad night. I can't stop crying. There are so many things that I miss tonight. I want her back. It is so hard for me to see anything bright in the future at the moment. I do not want Thanksgiving to come, the second without her. HOw can it be the second one already?This one is much harder. I want to skip the holidays. Life is so hard right now. I wish she was here. I need her. NOthing is ok. I don't know if it will ever be ok ever again. I don't what to do about anything anymore. I wish I could wake up and this would all be over, either that or go to sleep and not wake up at all.

[need2talk]

Me too,   a year on the 24th November, how??? Oh mummy! Where are you? so much pain  I love you  I miss you x

[Guest cloudsaj]

i'm right there also with you guys...it will be a year on the 26th of november.  sooo hard.  miss her so much.

amy

 

[butterfly13]

alysonm- You wrote exactly what I'm feeling!It's been 5 months for me.I feel like I'm losing my mind!

[lifes1k]

6 months is just 4 days away for me.... I was doing so well... went to a hospice support group felt like I was working through the process of grief... I felt sad but nothing like lately... It is like this has all just happened all over again. I am feeling depressed and insecure and I just don't even want to get out of bed... (if it wasn't for my children I wouldn't)... My sister and I are leaving town for Thanksgiving something I have never done... I am trying to find something to be positive about to pull me thru this but wow I think this is the worst I have felt since her passing! Everyone said the holidays would be hard but I had no idea!

For those of you who went thru this last year, please any advice or suggestions would be helpful, as much as I want to skip the holidays I can't do that to my children!!!!!

[Guest CJ]

My mom died five months ago.  It was the most painful moment of my life.  I had been doing well for about a month.  I started to wrap Christmas gifts today, and I had a meltdown.  I just cannot imagine Mom not being with us for the holidays.

[ramsfan]

My Mom passed away August of last year.  Soon after was Thanskgiving, her birthday and then Christmas.  All my "first" have passed.  What was once  unbearable has become tolerable.  There is not one day that goes by that I don't think  " c ould I have done more for her or if I only could 5 minutes more."  I miss her so much my stomach hurts and the feeling of wanting to scream for her is still there.  I dislike the holidays - they have no meaning to me.  But I have grandchildren still needing me and my children who look at me for direction - little do they know I'm broken inside.

I keep a journal for my mom - I write to her as if she was on vacation.  I keep her posted on things going on with my family or current events.  Things I know she would find interesting.  This has helped me yet at times the tears cloud my eyes but I continue.  I talk about her all the time even though I know it makes others feel uncomfotable but it makes me feel better.  

Don't hold anything in - cry if you want , talk about her - but whatever you do don't hold anything in.. most of all don't forget how to smile.  Your family still needs you.

[alysonm]

I just want to go home. I want to see her. I want to go home for Thanksgiving. But she isn't there. I just want this to stop being real. Ramsfan, my mom also died last August, so I have also been through my firsts. BUt it isn't tolerable for me yet. All of my siblings except for my twin, are spending Thanksgiving with either Friends or their spouses family. And we have no where to go. I just want my mom to be alive so we can go there, so our whole family can go there. I miss her so much. I hate being alive without her. I know I can go to my grandmas, but it isn't the same without my mom there. And her sisters just remind me of what I don't have anymore. I'm so sad. Why did she have to die? I want to sleep until Jan.

[sunkenspirits]

I know how you all feel. Both my parents as I've mentioned here died within the last 14 months and I went for a couple of months and was generally fine. But lately I've been terribly homesick for a home I can't go back to. I moved in with my sister's family to avoid being homeless and I truly appreciate their kindness and they are nice to me, but their life is much different than the one I shared with Mom and Dad. It wasn't always great, but we were very emotional people who always had someone to confide in, to comfort eachother in dark times. And that's something that I need now so much and have no one for that, despite being in a house full of people. The holidays just make it worse because I feel like I'm not really part of the group, but an outsider that barely knows their names, much less what to say to them.

But before anyone judges them, it's not them, it's me. I grew up in a much different environment than they did, and that is what makes it hard to fit in. They are all very streetwise, tough, and discussions usually revolve around things I don't know anything about or understand, due to culture differences. They don't really understand the relationship I had with Mom and Dad. Emotions, as well, are something to just let go of, not express, and so I am trying, but it feels like I'm in a little psychological box that is getting smaller and smaller. The more I try to hide my feelings, the worse my health seems to get from the stress. I have no other alternative at the moment, so I'm trying to figure out how to make this work, but I don't know how.

I thought moving up here would be a chance for a change of scenery, pace, and give me an opportunity to get away from it all, start anew and for the first month or so, it seemed that way. But now the realization is setting in that this is now my life, not the one I left behind and that I can't go back. And I don't know how to deal with it. I'm starting to even think that death isn't such a bad thing and that scares me.

As to the holidays, Thanksgiving was always a big tradition with my parents and I. Dad would spend all morning cooking while Mom and I watched the parade and even after Mom died, Dad came into watch it with me as we shared stories about her, with a tear or two. Now, I'm not selfish. I don't think that my sister's family shouldn't have their traditions and fun like always because of me. I am just not sure I can handle joining in or pretending that I'm okay. I am trying to see if perhaps I can go out somewhere for the day rather than being home. My sister says I might have a good time, but it's too soon, too painful. Maybe next year it won't be so bad.

Sorry for the rant. Just couldn't help myself.

[nikimissinmymommy]

My Mom died on May 31st. She was 53 years old. She passed away in her sleep and the coroner could not tell us why. I cry so much, everyday. I honestly feel like I can't and don't want to go on sometimes.

I live in Norway and call my sister a few times a week. I hate being alone here and not having anyone to really talk to. Last Thanksgiving I was at home. Little did we know it would be my mom's last. My grandma, mom's mom, passed away while I was home on Nov 17.2007 and then my mom 6 months and 14 days later.

I feel for my kids that are 3 and 6 because they really won't remember what a wonderful person she is. I keep a journal and write everything in it that comes to mind from her favorites to how I am feeling. I want my kids to see it someday so they will be able to read it and know her a little more. Especially my son because he was her favorite grandkid. The hubby tries to be here for me, but since he still has both his parents he cannot imagine how painful this is. I lost my best friend, mom, and part of my soul on that day and never got to say goodbye.

[lifes1k]

sunkenspirits,

Take it from my experience don't hold in your emotions regardless of how your sister handles things, I understand the need for you to conform but it will make things worse as you are finding out! I thought I was handling things by not letting emotions out and now they just come out on their own, sometimes at the most inappropriate time. It is ok to grieve different from your sister and her family but just make sure you grieve! Maybe talking to a third party will help there are options for help if thinking death sounds good and that scares you my suggestion would be seeking help! And if ranting helps you feel better than you should do it

A wise women told me to be thankful this season for all of the wonderful things my mother passed down to me and all of the wonderful memories I have of her! Cry but then smile in the thought that we will always and forever have a guardian angel next to us and you know her name!

I hope we can all get through this holiday season a little stronger! Hang in there!

[Guest cloudsaj]

today is a really sad day.  it has been one year since my mom passed away.  it doesn't seem like it has been that long.  i miss her so much.  and with thanksgiving and the holidays there just not the same.  first thanksgiving without her.  not sure what really keeps me going some days but i do know its hard.  hope everyone is doing alright. 

aj

 

[sunkenspirits]

Thanks for the advice lifes1k. It comes and goes, and so some nights I feel as I said and others it's not as bad. I am not planning on jumping off a bridge just yet. It helped to get all that I was feeling out last night though. I think it's great to have a place here that we can express our thoughts with others that share the same types of feelings...

I haven't decided what I'm going to do about Thanksgiving yet. Not feeling very good, so may just sleep the day away...

[lifes1k]

My boyfriend's mom passed away last night, just 7 months after my own mother! I can't tell you how it feels, like it is my mother all over again and I did not know her very well! I think I cried harder and more than he has. Although he is still just numb! I would never wish this on anyone! It is hard not to be selfish right now even though I know this is not about me! I knew it was coming she had cancer (just like my mom). Even though I have gone through it I don't know what to do or say! Wow I was not prepared for this! I guess we never are!!