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Loss of a Mother


boneca123

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Hi everyone, it has been so so long since i talked in here,i hope some of you remember me. It has been very hard this past couple of months, i was doing great with everyone's support and all but then something happened. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but i have been fighting my depression again and i think i am going to loose it soon. I have missed all of you very much. All of your kind words and thoughts help so much. This was officially my first x-mas with out my mom because last x-mas when we lost my mom it was so fast that we just got through it but this one i really felt. I feel like my a piece of my heart is missing and perhaps it is in a way but i just don't know what to do. I'm sorry everyone for not writing sooner, and I wish everyone the best of this comming year that we've entered. Bless you all.

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lostwithouthismom

hey guys...well the holiday season has came and gone and well i can say this has been the most fullfilling one for me since my mom .....my sister and nephew have gone home now and once again life is calm and quiet here a little too much.ive been dreaming a bunch of my mom lately and just being able to see her and talk to her in my dreams sooths my soul just enough to keep on going.

Its nice to know some of you are able to talk about your lost ones with your family.my sister and i dont really talk about her that much right now although my dad still does alot.funny how that is though and yet sad? we both love her so much and she was whole world and now that shes gone we cant even sit down and talk about her because the pain is too much.one time recently my sisters friend mentioned our mom when they were talking and i just sat there listening but inside i just wanted to tell her to stop talking about her because every emotion that dwells on my mind when i hear my mothers name or think of her.its so strange to me because ever since she passed i have wanted nothing more then to talk to someone about her and everything on my mind regarding her illness/things i did while she was sick/her last couple days/and how empty and lost i feel without her right now.its not fair my mother was such a good person and she didnt deserve to go through what she did.why if we are all part of god's plan and his children how could he let her go through that.how could mine or anyones god let there even be a cancer on this earth and us have to watch our mothers and fathers and everyone and everthing we ever cared about go through something as horrifying as cancer.over a year i watched her battle it so hard with a possitive attitude and truely thought she would beat it because my heart wouldnt look the side of it and then it changed so fast and my it started to sink in with me the final days she was gonna be gone soon and why if it was her time didnt god take her sooner and not make her go through that day after day after day.i try to find the reasons why everything happened when it did and why she had to suffer like that so long and all i can come up with was it was either her strong will to survive and beat it and god gave us all more precious time with each other or that maybe it has something to do with me and my smoking every day when she was sick and he waited and waited for me to change so he could heal her and maybe she would still be with me today if i had just quit.i dont know i wish i did but i dont.i wish god for whatever your reasons you have would put that pain on me rather then my mother because she was earth angel to our family and helped us and held us together like mothers do.i know i cant try to comprehend myself what my mother went through but i know that the pain is right there as much for our family right now.a part of us all died the day she left us and the emptyness will never be replaced until the day we pass too.

i remember after she passed i was in a state of shock or something becuase up until the final days when everything crashed down i believed with her and so suddenly she was leaving.i remember her last night she was unconscious and my mind is right there again shes struggling for every ounce of air and im standing there watching her and there was nothing i could do to help her.i ran into the other room and brokedown and told god just to take her then.i couldnt see my mom like that so i went to the couch and fell asleep exausted.my auntie woke me up later that night and told me she was gone she had just taken her last breath.i was in state of peace myself then because i was relieved it was over and there was no more pain for my mother.she was free.i crawled into bed beside her and just lied there crying crying while i held her hand and gently stroked my hand back and forth through her hair that was finally growing back since she had stopped chemo a few months before just wishing that moment would never end and i would never have to let her go.i will never forgot this moment as it was the last time i ever got to hold my mother and the feeling of utter peace and pure love that my mother brought me.i think i handled the funeral different the others? i dont know but looking back at the ceremony the night before they buried her while everyone was in there saying theyre goodbyes to her and sharing stories and playing gospel music all night together with each other i just wanted to be alone and went outside 30 mins after i got there and just went into our van and sat there.i didnt feel nothing i just sat there.the next day they put her into the ground but i never seen that.i was there but i just turned and walked away and went back into the church.the day after i packed my stuff and moved back into my old town with my dad and vowed to myself that day i would never abuse my mind again.

i dont think we ever truelly *recover* or *get over* ones death that means so much to us.sure i could let time does it tricks or i could talk to a counsellor like ive wanted to so badly since she left but have been scared inside how to ask for it and now it just seems its too late and i cant anymore.yet even if i did do that i know it would help me that much more but still i dont think ill ever be the same again.i dont think we ever get over the void after losing someone we care about so much.we may grieve the right way and finish all the steps they say theyre are but in the end when were alone and just thinking of that loved one the emptyness will return.that feeling in our hearts that aches for our loved ones that gives us that unfullfilled empty feeling that im sure you know what im talking about.

im sorry for making this so long its just that once i get thinking of my mom and well you all know how it goes im sure....i just wish i see her one more time if thats all god could spare her so i could tell her how much i love her and that i think of her everyday and shes not forgotten and that im sorry for the things i did when she was ill.although they are becoming memories due to the wonders of time deep down inside me they will always stay.the feeling that i abonded her when she no I needer her more then we ever would in this life.i do believe she has forgiven me and my heart knows this yet in my mind those memories stay and are just as fresh as if it were yesturday.the pain that she had to endure was more then i could ever imagine and watching her day after day with her smile that melts me when i think of her how she was so strong and fought for all of us and taught me so much fills me with joy and peace and love.yet the other side with all the pain and watching her as she lay helpess to breath,as her ribs and insides were there no more during her final months,how in the final weeks it was such a battle just to change her,or how i watched her eat one the days cancer allowed her to watch she could.mostly fruit salads she would eat then minutes later im right there rubbing her back as she throws it all up and i change the garbage can.this cycle haunts my mind and reminds me of the pain she endured for so long.god knows i wish it was me lying there and not her so she would never have had to be in pain ever.she didnt deserve that.nobody does

guys its been awhile me writing this and although im sorry for making this so long and i dont expect to have the answers given to me im also relieved that i can share this stuff and not let it stay buried inside me.

this is alot of deep stuff i know its just brought on because i miss my mom so much right now and feel lost and empty without her and i cant stop thinking about how she still be here wthi us and about my old life.my life with my mom and growing up and everything and how we were so happy and more then anything i just want to thank her for always being there for me and for givivg me every chance i ever needed to succeed in life.i see the world and how little some have and how many children are without theyre parents as well and im just so fortunate and grateful for the wonderful parents god blessed me with and just miss her so much i love you so much mom.

guys once again i have to go now)

hope you all had good holidays and new years and that you made it through these painful memory induced holidays.say your prayers my mom and dad always used to say to me every night before i went to bed))) thinking and praying and hoping you guys are ok as well for myself.

goodnite bye guys)

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Hi guys, im back at my desk after the christmas holidays and to be honest im glad its all over. i got sick and tired of work parties and alike...none of which i attended, even though i was continually accused of being boring!...never mind, i dont really care.

for some reason i found my second christmas without my mum harder than last year which was our first. i dont know why it was harder...maybe because we were all so numb last year?. i hope you all coped with this "special" time of year ok without your loved ones, i really hope so.

i feel a little unable to write much today...im just finding my feet again upon my return to the office....but im praying and hoping that your all ok and look forward to reading and hearing from you all soon.

also, lets all keep a thought or two for the tens of thousands of people lost and for the people who have lost others in the asia disaster...

i will write more tomoro....but hi to all the "new-comers" and to the other guys who have been here for a little longer....you know who you all are.

russ.

ps-good to hear from ya cliff!

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My Mama died of lung cancer on October 6, 2004. She died seven weeks after diagnosis. Mama was 68, and gorgeous and vibrant, she hadn't smoked in 25 years. I am 38, unmarried. My mother was my rock, the person I went to for everything, be it relationship advice or any other stupid question - can you freeze mushrooms? She's gone now, and I still sometimes forget and want to pick up the phone to call her.

My sisters and I cleared out her house over the holidays and now I am left with painful muscles and painful memories.

I am feeling everything I have read that you are all feeling. I often have a sense that this isn't real. SometimesI feel like I have fallen down the rabbit hole - did this really happen? How am I still standing? Where is my Mama?

I have written at length about Mama's illness and death (at her request), the url is http://www.retrogirlie.com/Diary/diary.html.

I live for your stories about when you lost your parents, and what you felt, and how things played out. I know I am not alone, but sometimes it feels that way.

This is all part of life, but god, sometimes it is so very hard.

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Muffet,

My mom passed away on October 5th, 2003. When I saw the date of your mom's death, it really caught my attention. I went to your website and read many of the stories. What a beautiful tribute to an obviously beautiful woman. So many of your stories are reflections of my own relationship with my mom. I think of the many things that you mentioned about your mom and how they relate to my own relationship with my mom. I know that you are struggling greatly right now because I have been there. This was my second Christmas without mom, and it wasn't any easier than the first. I, like you, love to remember the things about my mom. You actually reminded of things that I almost forgot about. My mom also loved to be in her kitchen, and was also very conscious about her appearance. Although she didn't look anything like herself when she passed away, she was able to die with dignity because of the people who cared for at the end. I wasn't able to be with my mom in the end like you were. I had been with her for the last two weeks around the clock, and was at home when she passed away. It was 1:05 am when her nurse called and said her breathing was very laboured. I hung the phone up and was trying to pull myself together when the nurse called back and said that mom was gone. The guilt still haunts me because I wasn't there with her, but I believe she wanted to go when we weren't around. I am married and have four children so I needed to be at home at times during the day and night. I also wrote a special letter to my mom which I read at her funeral. It was very comforting for me to share with others just how much she meant to me and my family. Mom also left me her wedding rings and my sister was left a beautiful diamond ring my dad had bought her a few years ago. We have many similarities to our stories which has really encouraged my to write you. I hope that you find this site helpful, because I certainly have. The people on this site are so supportive and encouraging that they have made an amazingly difficult situation bearable for me. This is a place where you can share your thoughts, feelings, and your pain. Please take care of yourself and don't hesitate to leave a message because it really does help in the process of your healing.

Lynda

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Another Wednesday. Mum died on a Wednesday. 28 Wednesdays since she left me. I miss her so much. Love you, love you , always and forever. Seems this is all I can say right now.

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Tonniie, Thank you so much for your post! It helps so much to hear from someone who has gone through what I have endured. And the similarities, including the death dates of our mothers - well, it makes me realize that I am in the right place.

It will be three months tomorrow since Mama died. That just seems impossible, it seems as though it just happened. Three months? Where did the time go?

Did you have moments when you truly felt like you were going crazy? I mean like having a complete feeling that you are not *you* anymore? I was certain that my job was in jeopardy. Certain, with nothing to lead me to that conclusion. I was completely wrong. My job is fine. I think I am having an identity crisis. Is that normal?

Adione: My Mama was diagnosed on a Wednesday and died seven weeks later - on a Wednesday. I hate Wednesdays, I really do. It's been 12 Wednesdays since Mama died. I am sorry for your loss.

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Muffet,

There were many times when I thought that I was going crazy because everything seemed so surreal. I still have those moments very often. I have numerous times when I think to myself that I need to go visit mom, or call mom. I have never been able to get my head around the fact that she is gone, because it just doesn't seem possible. How can my mom be gone? I have had her my whole life and now I can't see her anymore. Like you, I feel lost and distant from what is going on around me. From the day my mom entered the hospital I was at her side day and night. I took nearly four weeks off work, and when mom passed away I became so sick that I was at home for another five weeks. I ended up with pneumonia. I have had this surreal feeling since the day mom died, I don't know if I will ever be able to shake it. I guess what I am trying to say is that all of what you are feeling right now, is perfectly normal. We all need to grieve and to deal with loss our own way, and if we don't I believe it could end up being very unhealthy. This site allows me to talk to people like yourself about a subject that only we could understand. You can't possibly understand what it is like to lose your mom until it happens, so it is often difficult for others to understand. Each day will bring you more peace in your life. I love all of your stories on the website because it truly is a wonderful way to remember your mom and share who she was. If I can help you in any way please don't hesitate to ask, because you have helped me over the past few days. You obviously want to remember the special times and the special person that your mom was, and I think that is the most beautiful way you can respect your mom's memory. Take care.

Lynda

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My beloved mother died Nov 8, 2004.My was less than a month shy of 75 She was diagnosed August 8. She died of pneumonia related to brain cancer. My family took her off life support and watched her die. My sister and I never got to say goodbye. I am angry that the Drs. were not straight with us. Mom would have made different choices. The outcome would be the same, but her death would have been on her terms. She could have settled her affairs personally and said goodbye. Instead we had to do it all with her best interests and wishes in mind.

I just miss her so much. It was all so sudden, its still numbing to me. She was the mom people dream of. I was so lucky. I have no loose end, no regrets. She and I loved each other everyday. My parents are divorced. Mom was remarried 40 years to a very nice man. But..neither are the parent mom was. I feel like an orphan at 49. I have my own kids, 19 and 22. They are the light of my life, so I am so lucky. They keep me going. She loved them so much and accepted them completely. Its a huge loss for both of them. My beautiful son just fell apart. Cried in my arms.

I get grief counseling and just try to live each day. All I really want to do is sleep eat and read, and not go to work. Geez...those bills just keep coming in, don't they?

Thanks for listening. This seems like a really warm nurturing place.

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Hi Everyone....I've been away for awhile...and I apologize! For thenewcomers...I'm so sorry for your losses. You all are definitely in the right place to find people who understand and relate to the same things you are experiencing. Hopefully as time goes on...it will get better for all of us...at our own pace....so don't push yourselves into thinking by a certain time...you "have" to get over it...or feel better....it'll happen...when it happens. Seems the ones who hasn't been through this are the ones who think we should be better by now. They mean well I'm sure...because they just don't understand....but we all do....feel free to express whatever you are feeling...at anytime...we are here...24/7!

Hugs to all! Take care...and God Bless

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Thanks for the support. I went tonite to temple. Its the 30th anniversary of my brothers death. He died in a car accident when he was 22. Just the prayers were enough to melt me down. Too close to mom. I was with my sister. Just us...no mom, no brother. Just my sister and I. Such a lonely feeling. More calls today from Mom's friends. She was beloved and I think she told all of them to take care of my sister and myself...So sweet, but overwhelming. I have a whole group of mothers, just not mine. I am grateful though. It was mom's way.

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Today is my first year anniversary without my mother. I was listening to the radio . something she liked to do. I kept hearing them mention Elvis and his songs. Then I found out today would have been Elvis birthday, and my mother just adored him. I never thought about it before today that the dates are the same, her death and his birthday. Strange things happen. This day just keeps slowly creeping by. I try not to cry but the tears come out on their own. Don't get me wrong I miss my mother terribly. I would love to have her here with me everyday, I just would not want her to suffer like she was. I wish she could be here one more time to hug me and to make all the pain go away. I miss you mama and I will always love you. I know she is with me my wind chimes have chimed all day since this morning. I must go and I welcome all the new people to this site.

Have A Nice Day and SMILE ! Wendy

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Wendy 1,

I am glad you let us know that today is the first year anniversary, it helps to let people know about it and to be heard today. I went through what you are going through just over 2 months ago, and I know how you are feeling. What a great way to remember your mom today by doing something that she would have been herself if she were here. What a coincidence about Elvis's birthday being today, I think there is a message in that for you. I know that your mom is watching over you today and everyday. She feels your pain today and understands your tears, we all do. Take care, and don't hesitate to call upon us if you need to.

Lynda

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Tonnii,

Thank you so much for responding to my message. That meant alot to me. I check the site all the time. I am glad to know that we are all here for each other. God Bless and take care.

Wendy

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hi guys....im still here...just seem to be lying low at the moment. my inner spirit has taken a beating. welcome to all the "newcomers". im sorry for all your losses...i hope youll find a little bit of strength and peace of mind here...

hugs to you all.

russ.

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Hi Everyone

I lost my mom to breast cancer over 3 months ago and I find it is harder now then it was then. 9 days before she passed away, I also gave birth to a little girl, my mother's first grandchild. She was so excited about this child, and I was excited about sharing it with her. I am devestated that this is not going to happen. I am also devestated that my daughter will not get to know her grandmother. My mom was my best friend. We did everything together, and I feel so lost without her. Weekends are the worst as that is when we used to hang out- I dread Saturday's now. I have been trying to get out more myself, and I have been meeting other new mothers, but it breaks my heart when I hear them talk about how involved their mothers are with their kids. I feel so cheated. I feel like this is the time when I need my mother the most. My mother in law also passed away from cancer about 6 years ago, so I now feel like I live in a world of men, and I hate it- thank god I had a daughter. I know things will get easier with time, and that this pain will subside, but it just hurts so much. I am really glad I found this site, as its nice not feeling so alone in this.

Kristina

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Kristina,

I am so sorry for your loss, but delighted to hear about the birth of your little girl. You have found a great site to leave messages on because we all understand what you are going through right now. Please stay in touch.

Lynda

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hummingbird13
Hi Everyone

I lost my mom to breast cancer over 3 months ago and I find it is harder now then it was then. 9 days before she passed away, I also gave birth to a little girl, my mother's first grandchild. She was so excited about this child, and I was excited about sharing it with her. I am devestated that this is not going to happen. I am also devestated that my daughter will not get to know her grandmother. My mom was my best friend. We did everything together, and I feel so lost without her. Weekends are the worst as that is when we used to hang out- I dread Saturday's now. I have been trying to get out more myself, and I have been meeting other new mothers, but it breaks my heart when I hear them talk about how involved their mothers are with their kids. I feel so cheated. I feel like this is the time when I need my mother the most. My mother in law also passed away from cancer about 6 years ago, so I now feel like I live in a world of men, and I hate it- thank god I had a daughter. I know things will get easier with time, and that this pain will subside, but it just hurts so much. I am really glad I found this site, as its nice not feeling so alone in this.

Kristina

Kristina, I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my Mom in September due to Bladder cancer. Someone shared with me that if I do everything like My mother did than my children will know their Grandmother. My Aunt has suggested I make a scrapbook of all the things my mother loved, with pictures and things we enjoyed doing that way years from now my kids can look at it and learn about their Grandmother. I don't know if that will help but I feel at least I will have put something together to share with my childrens's children hopefully. Just know that we are all here for you and there are a lot of wonderful people on this site, I have found such peace with being able to share with others here.

Hummingbird

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lostwithouthismom

hey guys

russ buddy are you feeling any better? i wish there was something that I could say or do to take away the pain but from my own experience i know its not that simple.I too have had many days where i felt my inner self was beat and so tired of living with the sadness and incompleteness(if thats even a word lol ;/)we feel without our loved ones.sometimes just listening to music or watching a movie will remind us of our loved ones and the pain is there again.there are so many good memories of our loved ones and although there's usually few bad memories about theyre life it seems to be those ones that haunt our minds and just wont let us forgot them.for me when i think of my mother i usually feel sad about the way she died and it haunts me and the only thing at that moment that can bring me even the slightest relief is sheding a few tears.it does help just to let some of the pain out.i know some days when we just long for our loved ones passed so bad there is no words that would matter much as words can not bring back them back to us and cure our broken hearts.these days hopefully come less and less as time passes and just do wahtever you have to to make it through them.days like this make me us wonder and question everything life and everything about it.at least this is how i feel or felt before.

hope your feeling better these days russ and that your taking the time for yourself right now.i hope you find some of that inner peace for yourself that we all long for.without love and inner peace we are a completely lost.one day at a time...it really does work :) the gift of time

hope your all doing ok right now

cliff ;)

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lostwithouthismom

Avril Lavigne-Nobody's Home,Evanescene My Immortal,Tea Party-Release,Evanescence Before The Dawn,Seether-Broken,Stone Sour-Bother,Hoobastank The Reason

Movie-The Unsaid very touching and somehow reminescent of this person i know.

i strangely have a bond with each of these and just the feelings i have kept inside.i will say no more bye now

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HI guys, hope your ALL feelin a little stronger as you wake up today:

cliff, so good to hear from ya...yeah, ive been lost inside recently. my spirit has taken a beatin from many outside influences to, let alone from the obvious. as we all know we dont need a particular reason for feeling low, but for me im just stressed out at work and also knowing that the inquest and court case which surrounds my mums death will start next thursday. we as a family hope that after this case, for as long as it takes, will bring closure for us and my mums name and spirit can rest....its been a terrible 19 months for the family having not only to come to terms with our loss but to hear and read medical reports made by the hospital and now from our countries health system's law department, who will also be in court with their lawyers. things i never wanted to know about how my wonderful mum died, just keep opening up all the more in my totally shattered heart and sole....we're doin this as family and for my mum!!

cliff...mate...how are you? how are you "doing" lately? keep staying strong buddy...im still behind ya and think of you and your situation often. how is your dad? and your relationship with him now? sorry for my questions....it just seems ages since we all "spoke". be good to hear from you again mate.HUGS

ps-avril is soo cool!!

keelynn: friend....thx for your unending support from across the waves.HUGS

there are sooo many of us here now...i am totally unable to remember everyone...but for all those who have just found the site..welcome..be brave, take little tiny steps and find peace and love within yourselves and your families.

nicole (hows lucas?), mcd, tonii, robin....ALL of you...love and best wishes.HUGS

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Hi everyone and a warm welcome to the newcomers. I'm sorry for your losses and believe me, I can really feel your pain.

For those who had just managed to go through their first Christmas without their mom, I'm with you.

Russ, I'm sorry you have to go through the inquest and court case. It would be really devastating for my family if we were to take up a case on my mom's death. When I've the time, I'll go to the earlier pages to read about the circumstances of your mom's death. Be strong as always.

Cliff, hope you're doing fine. There will be ups and downs but hang in there. I cried when I read your earlier post because I could relate to some of the emotions you were feeling and I really felt your pain. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kristina, I dread Saturdays too. My mom passed away two months ago and for the first few Saturdays, I don't know how to spend the day without my mom. I used to spend all my Saturdays with my mom at the dialysis centre. Every Saturday night I feel very sad because she passed away on a Sunday morning at around 3.50 a.m. For the first few weeks after the death, I used to wake up every morning at around that time. I broke up with my boyfriend of 20 years just a couple of weeks before my mom got very ill. I feel sad that my mother would not be at my wedding (in the future) and that she would never get to see my future husband or children. My children would never get to see their grandmother. It's so sad, isn't it? You are not alone in this. All of us here understand your pain. Take care.

Wendy 1, I understand how you feel. I also wished my mom could be here one more time so I can hug her like I used to, this time holding her for a long long time, afraid to let go and telling her how much I love her. Take care.

Bon125, I'm sorry for your loss. I can relate to you because our wounds are still so fresh. My mom passed away on November 14, 2004. Her death was also sudden to us since she had recovered from her illness and was discharged from the hospital. But she died, two days later, from heart failure after a dialysis treatment. I am also angry with the doctor and the nurses who were taking care of her dialysis treatment. Feel free to talk. We're all here to listen.

Lynda, I actually envy you because you had managed to spend so much time with your mother before she passed away. You were able to take time off work to take care of her. I'm sure your mom really appreciated that. I wished I could do the same and I always regreted I could not. I managed to take a week off to take care of her discharge from the hospital, spending two days in the hospital with her. After that, another two days in the house with her before that dreadful dialysis treatment and she left us. I still feel surreal sometimes and can't seemed to shake off a nagging feeling of wanting to scream that I want my mother back. Take care.

Muffet, yes I too sometimes feel like I am not me. Sometimes, at work, I just sat at my desk doing nothing. I felt empty. I used to worry about my mother in the office and would sometimes call the house to check on her. In the earlier days when she was in better health, she would call me and tell me what to buy for her dinner. Now, there's not going to be such calls anymore. Then, I am always anxious towards the end of the day and would quickly finish work to rush home to see my mom. Now, there's nothing to rush home for. Be strong and we're listening.

Adione, I understand how you can dread Wednesday. I dread Saturdays and on the 13th and 14th of the past two months and for months to come, I would be crying my eyes out. My mom passed away exactly two months ago on November 14. I missed her so much too. I'll be reading your online diary soon. Be brave. We're here for you.

Hi Boneca123, hope you are doing better already. Grieving is like a rollercoaster with its ups and downs so depression can come and go. I too am trying not to fall into depression since my mother's death two months ago. I just spent my first Christmas without my mom. My family went somewhere for a holiday away from the house. I am already dreading next Christmas. I know it's going to be something like what you said, an official first Christmas without my mom. For me and my family as well, a part of us died too when our mom died. Be strong.

Mcd, Christmas had been hard for most of us here. You're in my thoughts and prayers too. Take care.

Saralynn, You are so brave. Keep it up. This Christmas was also my first Christmas without my mom who passed away on November 14, 2004. Keep writing and tell us more about your web page. Take care.

Tanatopsis, you are not alone. All of us have felt at one time or another those feelings you had felt. Keep writing and be strong.

Windy, thanks for sharing with us. Hope you are doing fine. Take care.

Heather, hope you're doing fine. For many of us, this Christmas was the first without our moms. Glad you did well. A tree to honor your mom was a good idea. Take care.

To everyone else whom I have not personally replied, I hope you are all doing fine, take care and be strong.

Pebbles

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hi pebbles..ill save you the trouble, although ill try to keep it brief. mum was a generally fit 60 year old...and her death came just sooo unexpectedly.

about 3 months before we lost mum she developed a little trouble breathing...nothing bad and none of us including her doctor were worried, infact we just thought it was an extension to her mild asthama. as time went on the breathing didnt actually get much worse until about one month before the day that changed my world....

about one month before her breathin got increasingly difficult, but still didnt cause much trouble for her and didnt cause much concern until about 2-3 weeks before when she did start to look a little frail and had lost a small amount of weight. Until now the doctors thought she had a chest infection and kept giving her antibiotics!!

after numerous visits to her gp and specialists with blood tests and such like they diagnosed her to have diabetes. we all sighed with relief because with thought it could be the dreaded "C". (i hate that word).we all thought that was it and she would get better with the right drugs....how wrong we all were.

but i think it was about 2-3 wks before she died the doctors started to get a little concerned because her breathing had not imporved and i think mum did too, although being mum she never let on. her gp sent her to hospital instructing them to scan my mother for a possible blood clot within her lung. (im startin to feel a little emotional.....)

unfortunately the hospital failed to give my mum an electronic scan for one reason or another but gave her an x-ray instead, which we know now would never have shown up the clot because the lungs are too fine and detailed for an x-ray to see.

anyway (sigh) after weeks of what we now know were errors on the hospitals side and their failure to pick up the seemingly large clot in her lung, she died in a hospital emergency room, full of panic, over worked and underpayed student doctors with defribulators, from heart failure, my dad saw the whole terrible thing....im tearful and near crying point...its not good in the office! :-) it was the hospitals procedures and lack of "quality control" that lead up to her death...not what happened in the emergency room on that horrible day...

we know now that if they had have scanned her they "more than likely" would have seen the clot...given her drugs to thin her blood and the rest would be history...but they didnt..god dam place....

thanks for your interest and request to know...although i find it sooo hard to talk about the above it helps...my counsellor advises me to talk about it to get it out of my system. its just soo hard....

to all....enjoy your wkd...back monday!:-)

russ.hugs.

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Hi Everybody,

I hope you all are doing well tonight. It was a nice windy day in the state of Alabama. I wanted to share something. Today my last living great aunt was buried. She was my mothers aunt. I went to the funeral today. This is the first time since my mom died that I have been or done anything like this. Everything was strange today, I felt lost. Both of my mother's sisters and her brother were there. I stood next to my Aunt Bettie, she took care of my mother when she was born. My aunt was 18 when my mom was born. There was not one person she didn't tell that she was going to do her best now to help see after me. When we all went in for the service we set together and I just wish I could have turned and looked and my mother would have been there. I sat next to my Aunt Bettie, she held my hand and held me the whole time. She was a great comfort. I feel as though my mother would have been proud that I was there to take her place. Although it was hard, I done it for me her and my family. I figured out today they need me just as much as I need them. God let me do this today for a reason, It all goes back to strength and faith. Even though It was a hard day I did enjoy seeing all of my mothers family again. I Love my Mother and I miss her so much. I beleive she would have been proud of me today. I felt her with me and I felt like I belonged. Thank you for letting me take time to share something nice with you all. I look at it this way even though I don't have my mom there are many more of her family just like her. I am very blessed to have good things in my life. I know God looks after me and puts me in these odd situations for a reason. Good Night to you all and have a good nights sleep.

Wendy

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i am relay sorry to hear about your mum i lost my mum 2 and i am 14 she was murdered and i hope that you get the help u need and i am happy that you are blessed with good things in your life sorry again bye xxx layla a very depressed teenager

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Hi Layla,

My name is Wendy. I am very sorry to hear about what happened to you mum. You are at such a young age to be without her. I am 34 years old and the pain is no different. I lost my mother to cancer Jan 8 was 1 year ago. I took care of her and made all of her discussions for her. If there is sometime you would like to share your story, of course when you feel ready we will all be here for you. One thing about this site is you are never alone. Take your time and just know we will all be here for you. Again, I am very sorry to hear about you mum. It is always better to talk and let things out and what a better place than in a group like this where people can relate to you.

Welcome to the site and I send you hugs and more hugs!!

Wendy

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Hi everyone,

Ive not been here in awhile.I have had a very hard time without Mom(like I know all of you had the same problem)through the holidays.Well not just that I have a hard day everyday.I have been so down,I let myself get sick.Ive been home from work for over a week.I have missed you all.Sorry I havent checked in in a long while.....love ya all....Tracy

p.s welcome newcomers.....

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Hi Russ,

Hope you had a good weekend. Thanks for sharing with me your painful experience. My situation was a little similiar to yours but my mom was actually seriously ill then, being an amputee and diabetic, had high blood pressure, arrhythmia and CRF. My family had thought that dialysis could save her or at least give us a bit more time with her. But we lost her unexpectedly only three and a half months after she first started having dialysis. In our case, it was the nurses and doctor who treated her at her last dialysis treatment who failed to see her bad condition and just sent her home to us that night. About six hours later, she suffered fatal heart failure at home.

I understand how you feel and I know how hard it is to talk about it. Because I know I would not be able to control my tears, I seldom talk about my mom's death to my friends. I relate my story to my online support groups and like you I am in tears as I type. But I do feel better talking about it. It somehow helps me get in terms with my mom's death.

I am still angry, like you, over the circumstances leading to her death. She was in the hospital for three weeks and just two days before her death, she was discharged. Since she started treatment at this hospital, I had seen 'errors' (mistakes), nonchalant attitude, wrong diagnosis and like you said, hospital procedures and lack of 'quality control'. All of these had made my mother suffered more than she needed to. It hurts me so much thinking about what she had gone through and when we managed to get her well again, we were so happy. But our happiness lasted only two days, she suffered death at the hands of the hospital staff this time.

I have actually written a 'grieving' letter to the hospital. I told them I knew my mother was going to die but had not anticipated it to be that soon and definitely not under those circumstances. I found it hard to accept the circumstances prior and leading to her death. But my case would be difficult to prove as my mother was already very ill from CRF and considered a high risk patient for dialysis treatment. I'm sure those people would just say that she died because her weak heart could not take the dialysis anymore and she wouldn't have long live anyway. I guess, I find it most difficult to accept the nonchalant way the doctor had treated my mother.

Anyway, I wish you strength and good luck at the court. I sincerely pray that you will have a good closure to your grief. My thoughts and prayers are with your father too. Hugs.

Pebbles

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Hi Layla,

Welcome to the family. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. How are you doing? I'm sure everyone here understands what you're feeling right now. Feel free to talk to us when you are ready. We're listening.

Pebbles

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hummingbird13

Well I had been doing good for a couple of days until someone started talking about someone they had lost at work, then all of a sudden I just felt this overwhelming fear that I will never see my Mom again. I got so panicked I had to walk out of my office, once I left I just broke down. It's crazy how sometimes you can feel ok and then it just hits like a brick all over again.

Pebbles, I am so sorry for your loss, its such a shame that those in healthcare sometimes forget that the person lying in the bed could be there Mom or Dad and get so detached. I too have some concerns about how my mother was cared for and really feel that because they did not give her a tranfusion that that caused her heart attack this after a heart surgeon said she had a strong heart with no problems. Your story and your sharing helps me to know I am not alone.

Layla, I have only been on here a short time but I will tell you that we are all here for you and just know that no matter what time it is or what day it is we all share a common heartache, missing those that we love. Please take care of yourself, we are here for you.

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I am new to this site. I finally got the guts to write in this forum. So everyone knows a little about what's going on in my life. I lost my mom July 3, 2004. She was 52 years old and died from a tragic car accident. It was the worst news I have ever heard in my life. I found out that she was planning to come for my 30th birthday July 26th. I hadn't seen my mom for 6 months before the accident cause I moved to PA.

First I'd like to say to everyone that I'm sorry for your loss.

hummingbird13 I know what you mean. I haven't cried about my mom's death in a month. I thought I was doing better but just this past weekend I became depressed and felt like a little girl who just wanted a hug from her mom. I wish she was here and I miss her a lot. I was picking up my daughters on Friday, from school, when all of a sudden, she just came to my head and I couldn't stop crying. I had to call my husband because I didn't know if I could stop crying. Fortunately, between my husband and kids I was able to stop crying. But the whole weekend I felt guilty, mad, and sad. Luckily, I have a husband who has and still is very supportive. I felt better after I spoke my feelings with him. For now at least. I don't know when I'm going to break down again which is very scary for me.

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Hello everyone! I am new to this site and have read most of your messages. I first want to say my thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

On November 7th, 2003 my life was turned completely upside down. My mom was killed in a horrible car accident, she was only 49 and I was 21 at the time. It was a single car accident, so there were no witnesses. I will never know what caused it. One thing that does help me is that they told me it was instant so she didn't have to suffer. My mom was my best friend, she meant the whole to me. We had a relationship that words will never be able to define. I never thought in a million years that I would loose her. I miss her so much, life just isn't the same and never will be. I know it will get easier but some days I feel like it never will. Also it seems like people have forgotten about it, no one calls or asks me how I am doing.

I hear people talking about going shopping with her moms and doing this that and the other. I will never have that again. I just want her to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. It's a very lonely feeling. There is nothing like a moms love, her being so proud of you, always bragging about you (making you blush in front of people!!) never judging you, loving you unconditionally and those awesome hugs, not to mention her cooking. She will not be here when I get married or when I have children. Trying to fight the tears as I write this, sometimes it's a loosing battle. It's just very depressing and it seems like no one can fill her space. Although I do wish they had a website were you can adopt a mom!!! :-) I guess I am just having one of those days.

On a positive note, my boyfriend for 4 yrs proposed December 23rd of 2004. He is so wonderful, he has been here for me every moment and so understanding with everything. He is really God's gift, my angel. I know mom is watching over us, our guardian angel...just wish she was here to do that!! It's like you would give anything for one more moment, to see her, hear her and hold her. But that isn't how it works. It's Gods will and everything happens for a reason.

Gena

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Hi Gena,

I know exactly how you feel. I am very sorry to hear about you mom. I lost my mother Jan 8th 2004. She had cancer of the lung and liver.You sound alot like me. I know if we had one more time to just do anything, I would want to hug my mother and tell her how much I love her and that I miss her very much. You are right things will never be the same. I just know that we have to live life with a huge void in it. There is nobody in the world that can ever fill those shoes. I know that now I took my mother for granted that she would always be here. Little did I know that my time with her was short. I am 34 and my mother was 58 when she passed. I just try everyday to stay postive and feel she would not want me to be sad. She told me before she died to try to be happy so people could always see her in me. It works, more people tell me all the time you look and sound just like your mother. She would be happy to hear that. One other thing we have in common is everybody just treats me as if nothing ever happened. I just want to tell them please hold me and listen to me, because I lost my mother. I don't want people to feel sorry for me I just want to know if they care. It's wishful thinking, but I know if I adopted a mother I am afraid she would not be what or who I would want her to be. Congratulations on your engagement. I wish you both happiness and I know your mother is happy that you have your earthly angel with you.

Welcome to the site,

Wendy

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Hi Gena,

I know exactly how you feel. I am very sorry to hear about you mom. I lost my mother Jan 8th 2004. She had cancer of the lung and liver.You sound alot like me. I know if we had one more time to just do anything, I would want to hug my mother and tell her how much I love her and that I miss her very much. You are right things will never be the same. I just know that we have to live life with a huge void in it. There is nobody in the world that can ever fill those shoes. I know that now I took my mother for granted that she would always be here. Little did I know that my time with her was short. I am 34 and my mother was 58 when she passed. I just try everyday to stay postive and feel she would not want me to be sad. She told me before she died to try to be happy so people could always see her in me. It works, more people tell me all the time you look and sound just like your mother. She would be happy to hear that. One other thing we have in common is everybody just treats me as if nothing ever happened. I just want to tell them please hold me and listen to me, because I lost my mother. I don\'t want people to feel sorry for me I just want to know if they care. It\'s wishful thinking, but I know if I adopted a mother I am afraid she would not be what or who I would want her to be. Congratulations on your engagement. I wish you both happiness and I know your mother is happy that you have your earthly angel with you.

Welcome to the site,

Wendy

Hey Wendy,

Thanks for responding! I am so sorry about your mom. I wish I could take all the pain away for you. Unfortunately I can't, but I can tell you this. I am here for you, I know how important it is to just listen to someone and not change the subject. You know some people try and make you laugh, it's like just let me cry and get it out!

Yeah I never thought I would loose her so soon. It's so funny how the smallest things will remind you of her. I don't really like when I have dreams about her, in my dreams she is here with me. I wake up and reality hits me that she isn't, makes it harder for me. Like they always say you never know what you have till you loose it. I don't know about you but I can't even look at her pictures and cards she had givien me. I know this sounds really awful, I haven't even been to the grave site or to the accident site. It's been 1 yr, I feel so guitly but I can't seem to force myself. I start having panic attacks and non stop crying. I know I probably shouldn't feel so bad because she knows how much I miss her, but I can't help it. It's too real, it really just scares me. I know I should face it, one day when I am ready I will. I have come to know....can't rush things like this.

That is too funny, people tell me that too...you sound just like your mother! I am thankyou, wouldn't want to sound like anyone else!! ha Yes I have always tried to keep a positive attitude and keep a smile on my face. Some people are like I couldn't do it, I don't know how you walk around so happy all the time. Well I still wake up every morning and I am thankful for that. So why not be happy. You wake up with a choice, to be happy or mad. I choose to be happy. Although don't get me wrong...I HAVE MY SAD DAYS! Most people just don't see that. It's so nice having someone to chat with that understands how you feel, you know. Thank you so much! Hope you have a wonderful day! :-)

Gena

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I am new to this site. I finally got the guts to write in this forum. So everyone knows a little about what's going on in my life. I lost my mom July 3, 2004. She was 52 years old and died from a tragic car accident. It was the worst news I have ever heard in my life. I found out that she was planning to come for my 30th birthday July 26th. I hadn't seen my mom for 6 months before the accident cause I moved to PA.

First I'd like to say to everyone that I'm sorry for your loss.

hummingbird13 I know what you mean. I haven't cried about my mom's death in a month. I thought I was doing better but just this past weekend I became depressed and felt like a little girl who just wanted a hug from her mom. I wish she was here and I miss her a lot. I was picking up my daughters on Friday, from school, when all of a sudden, she just came to my head and I couldn't stop crying. I had to call my husband because I didn't know if I could stop crying. Fortunately, between my husband and kids I was able to stop crying. But the whole weekend I felt guilty, mad, and sad. Luckily, I have a husband who has and still is very supportive. I felt better after I spoke my feelings with him. For now at least. I don't know when I'm going to break down again which is very scary for me.

Jaj726,

I am so sorry to hear about your mom's accident. My mom also was in a horrible car accident, she was 49. I know you are hurting so bad. Just know that crying is ok, don't get upset because you are upset. I seem to have my worst times when I am in my car alone. I drove my cell phone bill through the roof because I would have panic attacks while driving by myself. So I would call people and talk all the way from work. I hope you feel better soon. I am here if you want to talk.

Gena

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lostwithouthismom

hi again everyone:)

just reading up on some of the posts and the part about people not asking us how we feel and talking about our past loves ones is because they know how much pain is involved with losing someone so close and maybe they feel like asking you questions about it will cause you too much uneeded pain when were already going through enough.at least i feel this way personally.my granny and auntie's always ask how im doing and everytime i just tell them the same thing *im ok* or *good*.it doesnt matter if im not doing ok and want to talk to someone about it i just tell them what they need to hear so we dont have to say anymore about it.i dont want to burden them with my pain and i think the reason the rest of my family never talks about her infront of me or asks how im doing is exactly the same reason.they dont want me to start thinking of her because the know that was the toughest expereince i ever had to go through in my life and was totally unprepared for it and everything that surrounded that year and 1/2 was full of pain.so i think for the most part they just avoid the whole *feelings* thing with me and that im healing or coming to terms with losing her.maybe so or maybe they just dont know how good i am at hiding my true feelings and keeping them to myself buried away because the pain and guilt was too much and it tore me apart everyday since she left us.I have so many good memories with her and i and lots even when she sick believe it or not.how proud i am of her and everything she taught me about so many good things during that time she was ill that will live me always yet the dark memories of the silent pain i caused her with my own choices and just during the rocky unpredicable every minute struggle that got wrose and wrose as the days went by.i remember reading some scriptures during her final days and i never really cried during that period and i think thats part of the reason my family think i was ok and was gonna make it through it alone.well the numbess and cold reality set it the year after and i turned 18 then it just seemed i was going through so many life changes and just shocked how different life is without my mother.i do believe this is just part of destiny and everything happens for a reason.that doesnt fill the void created i just hope i can get stronger as days go by.most of the time i really im ok with the situation and can think and actually smile when thinking about my mother but then i always remember the dark memories and they totally cloud everything.its hard to let go of the past when you had nothing but terrific memories of the times and life was complete for you and then we lost her and forever we are changed at that moment.nothing will ever be the same.

glad i got some more of this stuff out my system .i got lost in what i was saying again but everything reminded me of those years and so i got started again.lol :)

hey Russ...how's it going these days bud.about your ? my dad is truelly great and he really understands me more then anyone what im going through.he does'nt really push anything with me and even though we dont really talk about how were feeling etc..well at least i dont with him we have a silent understanding with each other and know if each other is really doing good ok or not.anyhow for the most part im really good these days alot better then it sounds i think.it just sounds bad because i get full of different emotions when i think of her and thats why i just have so much to talk about regarding her illness and passing.well thats all i can say right now i need to go!

hope your doing good yourself bud and everyone else here ;)

cliff

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HI Cliff. hey buddy hows things? you sound like your getting back on track, well done dude...we're all proud of you. Although i realise its a long haul for ya...your on track mate and thats the most important thing. i pleased also that your dad is cool. did you "reveal all" to him like you were thinking of doing? keep goin cliff...im still here! :-)

as for me...im lost at the moment cliff...thats why i havent written anything for so long. i "visit" every day and read all the message from all the guys. even since ive been "here" at this site our family has grown so much...i can remember all the names anymore (smiles)

my mums court case came to a climax last wk and after two days of intense pressure, stress and pain from hearing really painful things about how my mum died the jury came back with a decision that flabbergasted everybody...even the coroner (judge)...we're gonna take it further now and will never stop until we have the right decision for my mum.....

i feel so lost right now...i felt i was making progress over the past wks/months...but i feel like im on that snakes and ladders boards again and that ive slipped down a great bunch of places....god dam i just miss my mum sooo much...

im just taking it slow again...spending time with my great girlfriend and with my dad...he's still not very good and sometimes i wonder how long he will be in this pit of grief...its all time i guess, and its different for all of us...

it will soon be my mumma's 62 b'day...im not looking forward to it at all...and before i know it itll be 2 yrs since we lost her...right now the pain hasnt subsided AT ALL!!!....infact sometimes it feels like the gap in my heart has got bigger....

thx for thinking of me cliff...and remember, im still here...reading your mails and everbody esles...

my strength is very low but my ambition to pull myself thru this pain and remember my mum as i want to...with warmth that makes me smile instead of with tears is what pulls me thru....

im still here for you and all...stay brave cliff and keep those demons at bay sunshine :-)

guys....new comers and and "veterans"...im wishing you strength bravery and peace of mind...hugs to you ALL

russ......

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Hello to all of you. I am new to the site. I lost my mom just two weeks ago today. It was a complete shock to our family. She had not been ill. We'd had a wonderful Christmas and she and my dad had just returned from a cruise over new years. She died of a heart attack three days after they returned.

After reading many of your stories, I feel lucky in some ways. My mother didn't suffer and she lived her life to the fullest up to the day she died. But it is very hard not to have been able to say goodbye. I miss her so terribly and I worry so much about my dad. They were married 46 years and were inseparable. I hate for him to be alone.

I reallly have a hard time believing this is real. I guess I'm still in shock. I live on the other side of the country and the night it happened my dad called and told me. I immediately got a flight and arrived the next afternoon. Her body had been taken to the mortuary. I wanted to go see her, I guess to have proof that it was true. My family convinced me that I shouldn't, that it would be too upsetting and that is not her anymore anyway. So I didn't go. She was cremated the next day. Now, I am haunted by the idea that maybe there was some sort of mistake and if I'd gone to see her, I might have discovered that she was actually still alive and they'd have gotten her out of that mortuary into the hospital and she'd be with us now. I know that's crazy and I need to stop thinking that.

I miss her every moment of every day and I mourn the loss of the future. My son is ten and he was so close with my mom. I thought she would be here to see him grow.

I am very sorry for all of you. Thanks for reading my story.

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Hi Iris. First i shall say that im so sorry to hear of your loss. i hope you have woken this morning with more vigour and strength than what you had yesterday.

i, like you, lost my mum suddenly and very unexpectedly 19 months ago. she was only 60 and i was only 29. since then life has been tough to say the least. sometimes i feel like i cant go on with the physical and emotional pain. i feel like my life is stuck in a rut and i cant get out of it. my father who was married to my mum for 40 years has broken down and is only a shell of the man he used to be. i too hate seeing him alone and with no future with mum. sometimes i feel the same, like i will never be able to grow properly without the guidance of my mum. i "care" for my dad almost daily, often leaving no time and space for myself, but somehow i feel like its my "job" to....who knows why.

i miss my mum so much........

i too didnt know whether or not i should see my mum. i chose not to in the hospital, but after days of anguish i decided to see her in the chapel of rest. this vision now haunts me and with hindsight i wish i hadnt seen her because it wasnt my mum if you understand. only YOU can make these decisions. for sure listen to your loved ones advice but only you can decide these things.

for you iris the pain will be unbearable...i know how this feels, really i do. as time goes by you will experience a roller-coaster ride of emotions, ups and downs, highs and lows.

your son will always remember his grandma'. i lost all my granparents by the age of ten and yes i cant lie i have missedout on alot but i have never forgotten them and never will....i still love them dearly...

my advice, if you can call it that, is to take things slow. take yourself thru the journey of grief slowly and at your own pace because it is only you who can truely understand the way you feel and the pain you have.

i have seen a counsellor for the past year....she helps me in a way that no-one can understand, just to unload my feelings to someone "unattached" to me is fantastic. maybe this could be an avenue for you?

i hope you will find this site helpful and necessary to get you thru the first days and weeks. we are all here to "help"....24/7....we're looking forward to hearing from you next whenever your ready to write.....be brave iris, your strength will only come back with time....

hi to everyone else....hope your all good, hugs to you all.

russ

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smileygirl847

Hi, I'm new to this site. My mom died a month and a half ago, on december 15 from lung cancer. I was with her in the hospital when she died which I think was a good thing but it was also a very difficult for me to see. My mom was such a strong person and was in control of her life to down to the last hours when she told us she was ready to go. Her funeral was on my 18th birthday. I have been having a really hard time dealing with her being gone. No one I am close to has been through the loss of a parent so I have a hard time talking to my friends about it. I never realized how much she did for me and my family. I have two older brother who are in college, so without my mom it is just my dad and I in our house and most nights he works late. It is hard not having my mom around now while I go through the college application process, and visiting schools, and deciding where to go. A lot of things this year will be very difficult without her. I think hearing from people who have lost their mothers as well will be helpful for me.

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Hi. I just found this site. I just...need to reach out to someone who understands. My mom died on July 5th 2004 in her sleep. She had fought lung cancer twice and won, against all the doctors predictions. They think it was her heart.

My birthday was the day after the funeral.I turned 28. I delivered her eulogy and pretty much put the whole funeral together. I'm the youngest of two girls. The 'Rock' of the family. I don't feel much like a rock anymore. I feel like time is standing still. The wound is still so fresh and it just doesn't seem real. I can't really look at pictures yet or really even talk about it. Pictures seem to come alive and the memory of the moment they were taken replay in my mind like they are on mute. All I want is to hear her laugh again.

She made me the center of her universe and then my son(who is turning 4 soon). Now I feel lost. My cheerleader and friend and mom are gone. I have a wonderful husband and father but my mom and I had a close and sometimes complicated relationship. We talked almost every day and saw eachother several times per week. I know that I need to get things out but I just don't know how. I feel myself pull away when the conversation may come up, not that anyone asks. For a long time I wanted to scream and hit anyone who asked the dreaded question:"how are you?". Now that I'm ready no one asks. Its like everyone has forgotten. My husband asks but its unexplainable why I can't seem to come up with the words. Its like dodging a land mine. I just zig zag the question.

I don't know anyone who has lost a parent. Its the lonliest feeling. I seem to be the first to do or go thru things. We have great group of close friends but they don't know what to do. I was the first to move out and in with my now husband, first to get married, first to have children, first to buy a house, and now first to lose a parent.

I just feel so numb. I'm binge eating and I know that isn't healthy. I'm stuffing my feelings and hiding them. I'm the secret keeper in my family and now that mom is gone I'm stuck with it. Its like there are a million things trying to get out of me all at the same time and I don't know where to start.

I know I'm depressed I can see the symptoms. Its like looking at myself and not being able to do anything about it. My husband sees it, he tells me he wishes I was happy again. I know he means well but it just makes me feel worse. I want to be happy, I want to enjoy life again. I just feel like I'm stuck in a well and theres no Lassie to run for help.

Thanks for listening.

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Alexie and Smileygirl847,

It sounds like you have a few things in common. Dealing with the loss of a parent or anyone you love, for me has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I hear you, I feel your pain. I did have a few of my husband's friends come forward to tell me, I know how you feel, as they lost a parent. I am coming forward to tell you you have both come to the right place. Here is where you can vent and cry and scream. We understand, when others may not. You cant just be "happy" again. It will take time to laugh, to smile. Sometimes you will and you will catch yourself. You will think of your mom. I know I did. I did not know how I could ever smile, laugh or be happy again. I do laugh. I smile. But I always miss my dad. He is always with me. He is in my heart and soul. I did order those bracelets. http://www.metoo.org

I love this idea. I feel the need to share. I want people to know, I am still hurting. That I am changed forever.

I hope this helps a little.

Know you are not alone.

Compassion & Hope, Meg

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Hello EVERYONE...iam new to this site but thank God i found it!i lost my mom is a terrible car crash october 23,2002 and i could never ever start to tell you how bad it still hurts...i have to take care of my handicap brother.i know thats what she would have wonted me to do.its very,very hard still today i go to her grave at least 2 a week.iam so sorry for everyones loss.i know the feeling and it seems years pass by so fast but the pain is forever

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Hi. I just found this site. I just...need to reach out to someone who understands. My mom died on July 5th 2004 in her sleep. She had fought lung cancer twice and won, against all the doctors predictions. They think it was her heart.

My birthday was the day after the funeral.I turned 28. I delivered her eulogy and pretty much put the whole funeral together. I'm the youngest of two girls. The 'Rock' of the family. I don't feel much like a rock anymore. I feel like time is standing still. The wound is still so fresh and it just doesn't seem real. I can't really look at pictures yet or really even talk about it. Pictures seem to come alive and the memory of the moment they were taken replay in my mind like they are on mute. All I want is to hear her laugh again.

She made me the center of her universe and then my son(who is turning 4 soon). Now I feel lost. My cheerleader and friend and mom are gone. I have a wonderful husband and father but my mom and I had a close and sometimes complicated relationship. We talked almost every day and saw eachother several times per week. I know that I need to get things out but I just don't know how. I feel myself pull away when the conversation may come up, not that anyone asks. For a long time I wanted to scream and hit anyone who asked the dreaded question:"how are you?". Now that I'm ready no one asks. Its like everyone has forgotten. My husband asks but its unexplainable why I can't seem to come up with the words. Its like dodging a land mine. I just zig zag the question.

I don't know anyone who has lost a parent. Its the lonliest feeling. I seem to be the first to do or go thru things. We have great group of close friends but they don't know what to do. I was the first to move out and in with my now husband, first to get married, first to have children, first to buy a house, and now first to lose a parent.

I just feel so numb. I'm binge eating and I know that isn't healthy. I'm stuffing my feelings and hiding them. I'm the secret keeper in my family and now that mom is gone I'm stuck with it. Its like there are a million things trying to get out of me all at the same time and I don't know where to start.

I know I'm depressed I can see the symptoms. Its like looking at myself and not being able to do anything about it. My husband sees it, he tells me he wishes I was happy again. I know he means well but it just makes me feel worse. I want to be happy, I want to enjoy life again. I just feel like I'm stuck in a well and theres no Lassie to run for help.

Thanks for listening.

Alexie,

I read your post on Beyondtalk.net.. something not sure where i found it at.

You talk about losing your mother in her sleep. I'm going threw the same thing. My mother passed at the age of 50. I called that day to talk to her over the phone and my dad told me he had something to tell me.. my mom passed away last night. I was like.. what? I don't understand...and so on.. and I still don't understand. Was no warning. I guess anurizim (spelling) or her heart. My dad didn't do an autopsy and after the funeral had her burned. That was all to werid for me. Anyway, I'm very depressed, my life is ... well i don't know. My husband can't help me, he was gone to Korea for a year and 2 weeks later she dies. This was almost 2 years ago.

In this time, i got lonely, sad.. needed someone and meet this man. I think my marrage is over. Just a matter of getting up the courage to tell him. I've tried with him, told him i needed hugged something!!! I have to find someone who can make me feel alive again, and feel loved. I am scared to do the divorce but i'm no long happy in my marrage, although i don't have to do anything but be here lately. He doesn't even kiss/hug/ me.. i worry how he will feel, what ppl with think. But I am dying here.

If nothing else i got to type this and express some of my feelings. I really don't have anyone to talk to in the middle of the night like my mom. It hurts.. I don't wish it on anyone...

Lensey

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hello

i just found this site.. and honestly feel kinda strange writing.. but i guess let me just share a little about me.

I am 29 years old.. married have three adorable boys.

my parents divorced when i was still an infant. and my dad married my step mom before i was even a year old...

i lost my real mom when i was 20 to a disease, kinda like alhtimers (sp?) but where the back part of her brain deteriated.. so she lost all her mobile skills, walking talking etc.. she developed phenomioa and could not fight it off.

now this affected me, but not in a normal way i guess because my mom had moved away out of state to live with my sister when i was in the sixth grade, because of her illness, i only saw her right after she moved and then again several months before she died.. so i had already delt with the seperation so to speak.

and yes it was hard when she died.. but different...

wich now brings me to the present..

i lost my step mom (very much my real mother never knew a time whitout her) the day after thanksgiving this year.

somewhat unexpectidly..

she had gotten sick in august had a spell where she couldnt breath. my dad rushed her to the emergency room.. the debate was out if she had a heart attack or n ot if she did it wasnt a real bad one.. but from that day on she went down hill. just aged tremendously.. in and out of the hospital.

and we all knew we would be lucky if we had her another year..

we were all together thanksgiving had a good time.

and the very next morning she had the same type of spell, couldnt breath etc.. kinda just out of it..

now this time my step brother went and got her.(my dad was out hunting, becasue that early morning she felt fine told him to go) so my brother went to take her to the ER.. she died before he got there...

you know i kinda have just dealt with things.. you know one day at a time..

but what brings me today is this..

about two weeks ago my dad brought it to our (me, my step brother and step sister) (we were all raised together) that he is spending some time with a "friend" we know this woman not closely but know of her..

and back in my child hood i remember there being an argument and this lady's name being the middle of it.. as my step mom coudlnt trust her.. kind of thing dont really know more than that..

now to me it is no considence that my dad is spending time with this same lady only a month after my step moms death..

so as you can see i have many many questions..but yet at the same time belive my dad is grown and can do what he pleases...

wich now brings me to my major tormoil.

i tend to deal with things by not dealing with them so to speak, but the last week.. after calls from my step brother and step sister to discuss this issue, i have been having these vivid dreams or nightmares about my dad and step mom just fighting aruguments just viciously...

now they had there share of arguments but nothing like i am dreaming...

i know it is my mind trying to deal with this... but it is jsut physically and mentally exhausting to me...

i am thinking that i need to go talk to my dad,

my dad and i arnt close, i mean we are but i have never really carried a real important conversation with him..

i would always go to my step mom or whatever,

but i am thinking it is time

well thanks for listening..it just helped to get things off my chest..

Teri

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Hi Gena,

I just was wondering if you still were out there, and how you are feeling these days. I hope you are doing well.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Wendy

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Hi everyone,

Welcome to the newcomers and to those suffering recent losses, my deepest condolences.

Russ - sorry to hear about your mom's case. I wish you strength and hope for the future. I don't want to say more to add to your hurt.

Cliff - glad to hear you are doing fine.

There's another holiday coming up in my part of the world and I'm planning another escape from my lonely house. My heart keeps breaking to pieces as I make my reservations as I keep wishing my mom could be with us. I'm missing her tremendously these few days and the past keeps playing in my mind. I keep remembering pieces of the past here and there. Again, the 'should haves' and 'should not haves' replayed in my mind again and the tears just could not stop.

Thank you for listening.

Pebbles

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Hi Gena,

I just was wondering if you still were out there, and how you are feeling these days. I hope you are doing well.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Wendy

Hey you!

Yeah I am still here! How are you? I had a really rough night last night. It was horrible. I just miss her so much. I could not stop crying, I finally fell asleep. We had superbowl here in town and all I could think of last night was my mom. What fun I was, ugh. I woke up this morning with huge puffy eyes.

What have you been up to?

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